#i never see anyone do captain mccoy

[papanowo]

what’s worse than a nonchalant jim kirk? yellow shirt leonard mccoy, obviously

mckirk week day 6 : transporter malfunction @mckirkevents

< this is less shippy than i wanted it to be i might make a sequel . . . >

[sprite-writes]

failed romantics

Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Reader (original female character)

Summary: Secrets can’t be kept forever, and what better time to reveal them than the Enterprise night shift.

Word Count: 5,902

A/N: yay another chapter!! I have been so excited to write this one since I started this series, I hope you all like it. As always very special thanks to @lightning-writes without them these chapters would literally never get finished LOL immediately after finishing this plz go check out their bucky series; good heart (faulty machine of a man) it kills me in the best way. anyways, thank you for reading plz like + comment if you enjoyed :)

Leonard can only barely make out Kirk’s face under the dim bulb, but he is pissed enough that Jim’s mug is the last thing he wants to see. The music is loud, so goddamn loud , loud enough that the whiskey did nothing for his headache. 

“This is not what I had in mind when you said you knew a place,” he yells over the music, staring down the side of Kirk's face. 

“What?” the captain calls back, still oblivious to Leonard's scowl. Kirk is absent, completely distracted by the crowd, more specifically the women . His gaze filters from person to person as they pass by the table, a dumb smile on his face the entire time. If steam could come out of Leonard’s ears, it would. 

“I said this isn't what I had in mind for tonight.” He reaches across the table and firmly flicks his friend’s temple. 

“Hey! What's your problem?” Kirk whines. Leonard is satisfied to have gotten his attention—finally. 

“You said you knew a nice place– you said it was a bar!” 

“Yeah and? This is both of those things!” 

“This is a goddamned petri dish!” 

It is. Leonard has refused to even allow his bare skin to touch the tabletop, weary of the unknown sticky substances covering it. There are so many bodies— human and otherwise— packed into the space, it's suffocating, and certainly a fire hazard. It's gross, downright unsanitary, and fucking loud.  

“You’re dramatic, Bones, it's nice enough. Loosen up! Maybe try to meet somebody. We’re only in Yorktown for a day, y’know?” 

Tipsy Kirk is a fucking idiot. 

Leonard recoils at the idea. The captain has gained this…habit lately. This advice-giving habit where he tells Leonard to relax, to get out there, to get laid, and every time it passes through Kirk's lips, Leonard becomes nauseous. He abhors this subject, he really does. The only thing he hates talking about more than his dating life is why he doesn’t have one. Sure, he hasn't had much of one since the divorce anyway, but whatever he did have quickly reduced to nothing after meeting Sunshine. He feels so childish even mulling his thoughts over, and how it feels pointless to consider any other woman interesting since he has already met Sunshine, who is the most interesting. Interesting and pretty. Interesting and pretty and kind. He shakes his head before he starts down his mental list (again). Somedays, it feels like his feelings will swallow him whole. It has been so long since he felt it, the wanting . Wanting to talk to her all the time, or hold her hand, or just be around her. It all makes him feel so juvenile, like he’s a lovesick teenager. She makes him feel like a lovesick teenager. It is the single most frustrating thing he’d ever experienced.

“I don't wanna associate with anyone who willingly steps foot inside this shithole,” he snaps, “C’mon man, let's go.” Kirk protests, of course, even more so as Leonard grabs him by the ear and pulls him up from the chair. He tells himself he’s doing Kirk a favor, that the last thing he needs is a hookup— that he’s certainly not taking out his frustrations on his friend. 

The pair weave through the bodies, with Kirk stumbling after his friend and out the door. The cool breeze hits them like a breath of fresh air, and Leonard takes it in. Kirk, on the other hand, furiously rubs his reddened ear. 

“What the hell was that for? Are you out to get me tonight?” 

Leonard feels a quick pang of sympathy, regretting lashing out. 

“Look, I’m sorry, but that place had me sweating like a damn sinner in church, there’s other bars, and it's getting late anyways–”

Kirk would usually push it, and Leonard could tell he wants to, which makes him all the more thankful he doesn’t.  

“Fine, fine, whatever but we are drinking when we get back to the ship,” he settles, leading the way home. 

Yorktown is cold and downright industrial. Leonard hates it. He would usually be thankful for a pit stop if it means he can feel non-artificial gravity, but, between the dirty club and Kirk’s antagonizing, he’s ready to be spacebound again. Both the Enterprise and the USS Endeavor are in Yorktown for the night, in the process of a personnel transfer. The streets are crawling with Starfleet members.

They walk in silence for most of the way, observing the larger-than-life city and the star crafts buzzing overhead. Leonard would be lying if he said he doesn’t feel a bit empty.  Perhaps the low-lit, music-blaring monstrosity would have felt more tolerable if a certain lieutenant was with him and not stuck with the enterprise night crew. 

“You know, I wouldn’t have even known that place existed if it wasn’t for Sunny,” Kirk laughs. Leonard scrunches his nose. 

“She recommended that barnyard?” he scoffs. 

“Oh god no, she told me to stay away from it. Said it was the grimiest place on this side of the universe. I just thought it sounded like a good time, y’know?” 

Leonard stares, really stares, and wonders why he keeps expecting better of Kirk. 

“You’re an idiot, and an ass. The woman gives you stellar advice, and you ignore it, and stick her with the skeleton crew.” 

Kirk stops so abruptly, that Leonard stumbles over him. 

“ I didn’t put her on the skeleton crew, she requested to be. You think I would make her work more than she already does? I’m not a tyrant, Bones.” 

What?  

“What?” Leonard says out loud. “Why would she ask to be holed up on the enterprise all leave?” 

“I mean, I would too if the alternative was running into my ex and all his coworkers.” 

Kirk laughs, Leonard’s head spins. 

“Her ex?” 

“Yeah her— she didn’t tell you any of this?” 

“She said she wanted Jameson to oversee the transfer, give him more experience or something, so you put her on his night shift.” 

“No? She wanted Jameson to do it because she used to be engaged to the Endeavors head of security.” 

Leonard blinks. And blinks again. 

“Dude, I don’t even know how to change the schedule,” Kirk adds. 

 Suddenly, despite talking to her everyday for close to a year, she feels unfamiliar. Engaged? He can hardly imagine it, nor does he want to. Pictures of Sunshine flash through his mind, and he clenches his fist. 

“Didn’t know she had been engaged,” he feigns a casual tone.

Kirk furrows his brows. 

“ You didn’t know? You of all people?” Leonard shrugs, as his stomach forms a knot. “She tells you everything, and she’s never mentioned Ryder?”

“Christ, his name is Ryder ?”

“I know! Douchebag name, right?” 

He doesn’t respond for a beat, which turns into several beats. The gears in his head turn and turn. Engaged . He doesn’t understand why the idea eats at him. He himself had been married for years. So what if she was engaged? There is no reason for him to be upset that his friend—a coworker–had an ex. 

He feels nauseous. 

Kirk clears his throat, derailing Leonard's train of thought.

“You’re right, it’s late, we should head back,” he says, offering a reassuring smile. Leonard follows him, hands in his pockets.

“Do y’know what happened?” he asks finally. Kirk casts him a sideways glance.

“What, between them? Not a clue,” Kirk says with sincerity enough for Leonard to believe it. “She wasn’t really keen on discussing it.” He pauses and looks at the ground as they walk. “I wouldn’t worry too much about it though, Bones, I think everyone sees she’s only really got eyes for one person these days.” 

“Don't start, Jim,” Leonard warns hotly, clenching his jaw. 

“Start what? I’m not starting anything. I’m just laying out the facts.” Jim hiccups. “She adores you, man, like adores -”

“Sunshine ‘adores’ everyone she meets. We’re friends—good friends, but that's all.” His patience shrinks as his annoyance grows.

Jim laughs mirthlessly.

“No, Sunshine and I are good friends. Whatever you two are is something else entirely-” 

“Anyone ever tell you you don't know when to shut up?” His tone is as cold as the night air, and Jim shuts up.

Leonard wishes Kirk would drop the subject, trip over a rock, or whatever it took to never have this conversation again. Really—what he truly wants is for everyone to stop dangling this hope in front of his face like a carrot. He’s not an idiot, he knows he spends more time with the lieutenant than his colleagues, hears her laugh more often, and knows her habits better.

 He knows what it looks like. He also knows that he's a bitter emotionally closed-off divorcee— 

He tells Jim that Sunshine is his friend because she is—and he denies wanting anything more because It's stupid to want things out of his reach. 

Frustration heats his cheeks and begins to bloom into a headache. He knows Kirk means well, but that fact does little to comfort him. 

“Alright, I’ll drop it,” Kirk surrenders, his voice soft. “But there is one last thing you should know,” He pauses at the crosswalk and turns to Leonard. Eerily stoic, his mouth pressed into a thin line. Leonard's breath hitched. 

“Ryder’s got nothing on you in terms of looks, okay? Seriously he's like, 5’7, and his face isn't at all symmetrical-”

Leonard revs up and smacks Kirk in the back of the head harder than he ever had and feels no regret. Not even after Kirk's high-pitched “ Ouch!”

“Would you quit it! You gossip like a damn schoolgirl!”

The sign blinks at them to walk, and Leonard drags Kirk across the street, fingers digging into his arm. 

“Ow, ow, I was just saying-“

“Wait a minute,” Leonard lets his friend go and smooths down his sleeve. “How do you know what he looks like anyway?” 

Kirk puts himself at a safe distance from the Doctor, cradling his arm. “Well, the operations manager would usually talk to the department heads during a transfer, but Sunshine passed him off to me. I said no at first, obviously, because I hate managing, but then she finally told me she was almost Mrs. Ryder Denver. So yeah, I spoke with him a few times, just business. Have to say though, I couldn't imagine them together. He comes off as a bit of a douche.” 

Leonard breathes deeply, reigning in the emotions that he doesn’t need Kirk to pick up on. The idea of Sunshine being engaged does enough to unsettle him without knowing that the man in question “ came off as a douche” . He feels something boil under the surface. 

“Yeah?” is all he can strangle out. 

“Yeah—He’s like a classic douchey security buff,” Kirk continues, unaware of his friend's white knuckles. “You know the kind– uptight, condescending, has one earring and thinks it's edgy-”

“Wears their uniform a size too small? Yeah, I know the type.” 

“Exactly, and Sunshine is so…so-”

“Heart-of-gold?” 

“Yeah! Opposites attract I guess, but I don't know, something was off.” 

To Leonard, the entire thing is off. All of it. Everything . He doesn’t understand why Sunshine decided he doesn’t get to know, why it is a secret in the first place, why she almost married a douche, why he cares so damn much . 

The enterprise comes into view like the sun on the horizon, and Leonard is relieved . 

“Your arm’s all right?” Leonard asks, an apology without apologizing. Jim knows this and breathes a laugh. 

“Yup, the ear’s fine too.” 

The Doctor nods, but his eyes remain trained in front of him. Through the glass window panes, he eyes the ship, eager to hide away in the familiar place. He would have opened the door for Kirk, as a gesture, but of course, the Yorktown Federation Port has to have automatic doors. He huffs, and the artificial lights illuminate his red cheeks. They approach their home in silent tandem, their shoes clinking against the hard floors. 

“You should talk to her, Bones,” Kirk breaks the quiet, head down while he taps the access code to the enterprise hull. “Ask her why she didn't mention the ex. I’m sure she has a good reason, probably one you'll wanna hear.” 

Leonard wants to be mean. He wants to shake Kirk's words off with an insult and go to bed. But he swallows his pride, and it goes down like nails.

“Yeah. Maybe.”

Hope. It bubbles up within his chest, and he pushes it down. Finally, the stark white enterprise interior greets him. He breathes a little easier. 

Kirk stumbles over the first step— “ Woah ”-- and Leonard steadies him with a raised eyebrow. “Andorian ale finally catching up with you?” 

“Pfft,” Kirk scoffs. “Couldn’t catch me if it tried.” 

Leonard pauses, then laughs, the first genuine one all night, and it has Kirk grinning back. 

The enterprise is empty, its residents still on the streets they just returned from. So, without restraint, they laugh, and Kirk stumbles, and Leonard forgets for a moment about the unsaid feelings under his skin. 

Kirk is an idiot, and he’s a good friend.  

He’s happy to banter about whatever comes out of Kirk's drunk mouth and to correct him when he takes a wrong turn in his own ship. Leonard claps his hand on his shoulder and drawls, “It’s this way, captain .”

“Uhh, no , Chekov keeps the good whiskey in his locker, this way,” Kirk insists with a point down the hallway, and Leonard is amazed at his eagerness to get blacked out the night before embarking. 

“Are you out of your mind? No way. You can drink like a fish when you don't need to fly a starship in the morning.” 

“What are you, my mom ?” 

Christ.

“No, but I pity the poor woman,” he huffs and gestures down the hallway leading to his quarters. Kirk frowns and scrunches his nose.

“Raincheck, Kirk, c’mon.” 

He begrudgingly obliges, having given his friend a hard enough time tonight anyway. The yawn that crawls out of his mouth a moment later corroborates Leonard's decision. He is tired, and Kirk shouldn't drink anymore, but he’d be lying if he said those were his only motives to end the night early.

“You win this one, Bones, but next time I swear we'll be out till sunrise,” he says between another yawn and a hiccup. 

“Uh-huh. Try not to trip.” Leonard reminds himself of the virtue of patience and keeps walking. 

Kirk manages to type in his room's access code all by himself, with only a moment of squinting, and a break to roll up the black sleeves of his turtleneck. Leonard is impressed, and the bar is low. 

“Drink a bottle of water, and get some sleep, We’ll talk tomorrow.” he crosses his arms over his chest and waits for protest. 

Kirk only hums. “You headed to your room?”

 The doctor's fingers drum against the doorframe. “Was thinking I’d check in on Sunshine,” he says, blinks, and rushes out, “and the rest of the Skeleton crew, of course.  Maybe medbay too, then I’ll hit the hay.” He fleetingly wonders if that sounds believable, or at least casual. 

 Kirk smiles a genuine smile. “Sounds like a good plan, Bones. See ya in the morning, and tell her I said hi .” Before he can react, his friend waves, and the door slides shut. Then, he’s alone in the hallways, and he has to put his money where his mouth is. 

Shit . 

The way to the bridge feels daunting now, like climbing Everest. Like climbing Everest with the shittiest rope ever. Like climbing Everest with the shittiest rope ever, several pounds of emotional baggage, and a Starfleet captain breathing down his neck.  He considers just going to bed, pretending he never even mentioned the whole thing. Maybe even pretend he doesn't care to get answers. He can just leave it be. 

The desire to see her trumps all of it. 

The halls are deserted, which he’s thankful for. He doesn’t need anyone around to watch him squirm in the elevator. A deep breath, a punch of the open elevator button and—

“I told you I don't have any threes! Go fish, again .” 

He sees the back of the captain's chair first, then Starfleet-issued black boots hanging off of it. The whoosh of the door draws the attention of the room to him. Eyes sweep through the vaguely familiar faces of the night crew, all six staring at him like they are waiting for an explanation, which he doesn’t really have. The heeled black boots plant themselves on the ground, the captain's seat swivels around. His heart works double time. 

“ Leonard ? Hi! What are you doing here?” 

Sunshine’s got a hand of cards between her pointer and her thumb, and a sweatshirt pulled over her uniform dress, and it distracts Leonard for longer than it should. He clears his throat, and it shakes loose the feelings stuck there. 

“Just thought I'd check in on our hard working night crew, who is surely on task.” He descends the bridge steps. 

“Well, then, you'll be happy to hear that I am, in fact, glancing at my station every 20 minutes, and I’m the undefeated go-fish champion.” 

She waves the cards at herself like a fan, legs crossed and smile wide. 

“Undefeated, huh? Glad to see your talents going to good use.” Her smile gets a bit brighter, and she does a quick breathy laugh with her nose. For a moment there's quiet, and Leonard begins scrambling for a way to ask her the thing he wants to ask her. The bridge is crowded, for a skeleton crew, he thinks. The redshirt to Sunshine’s left breaks the silence before he can. 

“I’m not sure if I’d call it talent…I’m pretty sure she's cheating,” they grumble, and Sunshine doesn't spare a moment, whipping the chair around. He can almost see the panic fill her eyes, like she’s just been accused of a heinous crime. 

“I’m not! Are you still thinking about that last round? Because that was—”  

Even Leonard winces a bit at her shrill tone, and he’s pretty sure she just woke the navigator who had fallen asleep at his station, so he claps his hands on her shoulders. 

“Sounds to me like this card game has you wound like a spring,” he interrupts her before her voice jostles anyone else awake. 

She pouts, lip jutted out and everything. 

“Let's go for a walk,” he suggests. He doesn’t even let his nerves talk him out of it. She looks at him curiously, her eyebrows drawn. 

“I dunno, I probably shouldn’t leave…” 

“I’m sure someone else can deal cards while you’re gone,” he tells her, already offering his arm. 

The Ensign, Leonard still doesn’t know their name, waves her off. “Go, Lieutenant, It's fine. I’m sure we can handle a few minutes without you.” 

She bites her lip and cautiously loops her arm around his, leaving the captain's chair to her subordinate. 

“Alright, but don’t start a new game without me,” she warns lightly. 

Leonard doesn’t get nervous with her arm looped around his, really he doesn’t. He’s headfirst into this thing now, no room for nerves. 

She drinks her whiskey neat, he learns, and it surprises him. Surprises him even more when she downs it like a shot. 

The walk there had been quiet mostly, except for when Sunshine regaled the stories of her card game wins. 

“Did you have a nice time with Kirk?” she asks politely.

“I dunno if I’d say that, but maybe Jim would disagree.” 

She laughs lightly, and her finger traces the lip of the whiskey glass. He doesn’t know if it’s the best idea, but he refills her cup. 

There is a beat of silence, and the conversation with Kirk pushes to the front of his thoughts. There's a heaviness on the tip of his tongue, the desire to ask why . Without really knowing how to. 

“Wish I could’ve gone with you guys,” she says, her gaze downcast. There's a rare melancholy to her tone, something vulnerable woven into it. 

“You could’ve,” he tells her, and her eyes pull from the table.

“I had--”

“Yeah, I know what you– I just mean–I’m sure Kirk would have given you the night off if you asked… God knows he owes you enough favors.” 

“I guess,” she shrugs, “it wasn’t really the best night for it, though.” 

He could go along with her lame excuse, vaguely agreeing that, yeah, there will be other nights. But the ache to know what exactly goes on in her pretty head has words tumbling out of his mouth. 

“Yeah, Kirk mentioned somethin’ like that,” he mumbles, nerves permeating the sentence. 

“...what?” 

Shit.

“I mean, he may have-”

“What exactly did he mention?” Her tone holds a sharp undercurrent of something rare for Sunshine– anger.

Leonard runs a hand down his face, suddenly thinking of all the much more tactful ways he could have begun this. The gentle buzz of alcohol still in his bloodstream keeps him from panicking. 

“Nothing terrible, just that there was someone in town you wouldn’t wanna see.”

“As if ,” she scoffs. “Kirk’s never been that vague in his life.” 

“…fair enough.” 

She groans miserably, fitfully pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands and burying her face in the fabric. 

“You were not supposed to find out like this,” she says, muffled. 

“And how was I supposed to find out?” He asks quietly, like the question will frighten her away. 

A sniffle comes from behind her hands–the sound tugs at his heart. 

“ I don't know. Maybe someone could have told you when I’m dead and then we’d never have to have this conversation.” 

He reaches for her slowly, taking her wrists in a gentle hold and pulling them away from her face, revealing her reddened nose and watery eyes. Her hands are cold, and grow stiff under his touch. 

“Sunshine. It's an ex , not a damn intergalactic scandal. There are worse conversations to have,” he reasons. 

“You don't get it,” she tells him matter-of-factly, pulling her hands from his touch. Embarrassment quickly heats his body, and he wipes his palms on his pants. 

“I’d get it a lot more if you talked about it.” He flexes his jaw, frustration bleeding into his voice. 

She narrows her eyes, punctuating her glare with a sniffle. 

“If I wanted to talk about it, I would’ve.”

“With Kirk? Because he seems to get it.” 

“Why are you acting so—”

“Concerned? Oh, I dunno because you’re my friend?” Exasperation colors his tone.

“I was gonna say entitled,” she grits out. Her anger comes out half-heartedly, sounding more like watery sadness than anything. “I don't tell you everything, and I don't have to. You’re not my-” She sighs. “Why does it matter? I was engaged for like, a year, and now, I’m not.” 

You’re not my–

Her half sentence sticks in his mind and sends blood rushing to his head. He thinks of all the things that he is to her: a colleague, a doctor, a friend. All the things he isn’t feels like a gaping hole. 

He watches her clench her fists and force her tears back. 

“It matters because it upsets you enough to work the night shift,” he sighs, the anger he’s been holding seeps out of his hands like water. “I’m not pressing you for the latest gossip, Sunny. I’m asking because it would be lousy of me not to.” 

She says nothing, taking in his words. 

“I’m no stranger to this stuff, y’know,” he prods her gently. “My ex-wife sent me running all the way to space .” He says lightly, and the corners of her mouth twitch up briefly.

“He didn't send me running, I sent him,” she confesses, shaking her head. 

“ You ?” 

“Me. The thing is,” she shrugs, “it should have worked, y’know? Like on paper, it was perfect. Ryder and I were academy sweethearts, liked all the same shit, were top of our classes, blah, blah, blah.” She rolls her eyes. “Our friends used to tease us, say that it wasn't fair, and we were too in love.”

“Sounds nice.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” she says, sighing. Her eyes drift nowhere in particular. “It didn’t feel nice after a while though. It felt suffocating. I was half a person with him, we were Ryder and Sunshine–and that was one entity.” Her tears dry on her lashes, as she becomes entrenched in the memory. 

“But the person we were wasn’t me . Because he never thought my jokes were funny, or my hobbies were interesting or my friends were cool, so I was willing to throw them all out. Eventually all that was left was him. His ideas, his wants, his needs. I was backed into a corner. I should’ve left when I realized but I loved him… and I was really scared of being alone.” 

She pushes her hair behind her ears and lets out a shaky breath. 

“I was a coward, and I couldn’t leave. I wanted to try and fix it, figure out who I was, and then maybe Ryder could love that person,” She shakes her head. “I was naive. Ryder always wanted someone I couldn’t be. Someone quieter or someone better at being a person. I’m always so all over the place you know? Too much for him.”

“You’re not–”

“It's okay, Len, you don't have to say anything.” she says, meeting his eyes again, taming the budding fire in his heart. 

The idea of Sunshine being anything but completely herself unnerves him. Her jokes are funny, he can’t recall ever laughing as much before she boarded the enterprise. Her ramblings about xenobotany and classic earth songs never fail to catch his attention, even when he barely knows what she's talking about. Being around Sunshine is as easy as breathing, and he’s starting to need it as much too. 

“Anyways, he proposed our senior year, like we weren’t a sinking ship, and I said yes and pretended like the ring wasn’t a last-ditch attempt to bring us back to life.” 

Her teeth sink into her lip, her eyes dragging to her lap.

“I don't know what it was, but one night I just…broke. I couldn’t keep pretending to be someone I wasn’t, or beg to be loved.”

A few tears slide down her cheeks, she scrubs them away with her sleeve.

Leonard wants to tell her that she should never have to beg for anything in the first place, least of all love; he wants to tell her that she's worthy just the way she is. His fingers twitch with the desire to take her by the shoulders and tell her over and over that she’s perfect, that she couldn’t be too much if she tried. Sunshine has always had a magnetic pull to her, drawing in everyone she meets with her warmth. The idea of anyone taking that away from her pulls his heartstrings tight enough to snap. He holds back his anger, refraining from telling her that Ryder is an asshole who didn’t deserve a second of her time. 

The wiser part of him knows that's not what he needs.

“We had planned to be on the USS Endeavor together, but I rescinded my application. I signed up to do on-planet research instead. I wrote a long letter, left it on our bed, packed up my things, and left.” 

She coughs in a way that he knows is covering up a sob and takes a deep breath. The sound sends a pang of emotion through him.

“It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done. We were engaged, for Christ's sake, and I couldn’t even look him in the eye when I left him. And don’t even get me started on the fallout. We had all the same friends, and our families were so close… it was all so humiliating . Everyone expected us to live happily ever after, and then, there I was, giving him back his ring in a coffee shop.”  

She knocks back the rest of her drink, like a consolation prize for getting all the words out. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Len. I never wanted you to think of me like that, as someone who would do that.” 

“ Sweetheart ,” he says like a plea, calling her attention. “No one in their right mind would think differently of you for leaving something that wasn’t good for you– or at least they shouldn’t.” 

She's shaking her head before he finishes his sentence. 

“But I–”

“I know. You didn’t go about it the way you maybe should’ve– or the way you wanted to. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make you any less… good.”

She hiccups, her chest rising and falling rapidly as another stream of tears drips down her cheeks. He can't help himself – and even if he could, he doesn’t want to – he brings both hands to her cheeks, wiping away the salty tears. 

“It's alright,” he says gently, swiping his thumb under her eye again. “You’re alright.”

She nods, breaths finally evening out, and his hands reluctantly fall back onto his lap. 

He remembers well the storm of feelings his divorce left him with. The gulit, the lonliness, feeling like the world was ending. 

“I get it, y’know. The shitty relationship, becoming somebody you don't wanna be,” the barstool squeaks as he leans on the counter. He hasn't talked about his marriage since he told the story to Kirk years ago. It feels odd to tell it again. 

“My ex and I met in college, fell head over heels, and I proposed a year later. I thought… well, we both thought we were soulmates. There was this connection between us that I’d never felt before, and I thought this must be it.” 

“After a year ?” she gawks. He casts her a sideways glance and chuckles. 

“A perfect year, mind you. Not a single disagreement, not a bad date– every day was straight out of a damn love story or something. Until we got hitched, that is. Then it was all disagreements.”

 He anxiously taps a rhythm on the bar top. The memory still burns him now, of the fiery conflict, of the sleepless nights. 

“We were the same in all the worst ways, stubborn, headstrong, prideful. We couldn't settle an argument to save our lives. It probably didn't help that I was in the middle of residency and pulling 100-hour weeks. It was miserable. I hardly recognized myself… I know I don’t have the best temper, but I never wanted to be an angry person.” 

He lets out a slow breath, “I was mad as hell when she called it quits, said a lot of stuff I regret. But she was right to do it. We brought out the worst in each other, I was just too narrow-minded to see it. All this to say, I’m sure I would have taken the night shift to avoid her too.” 

Sunshine rests a comforting hand on his shoulder, her thumb pressing circles into the muscle. 

“I’m sorry, Len.”

He leans into her touch without thinking about it. “These things happen,” he tells her decidedly. “When something’s not right, there's nothing you can do to change that. You do the best you can with where you’re at, that's all.” He pictures himself, young and full of fire, holding onto something that had already slipped away. “Which you did, Sunshine. I know it’s hard to see now, but I promise it gets easier.”

When he drags his gaze from the mahogany bar top back to Sunshine, she's watching him curiously. 

“What am I supposed to see?”

“That you were young, and scared, and you did what you needed to for yourself. Even if it's not shit you’re proud of, it makes you who you are. You learn, and it makes you better.” 

She says nothing, silently considering his words for several moments. “Well, it better get easier soon, because it sucks .” 

He chuckles, “That it does.” 

 She reaches right past him and grabs the half-empty bottle of whiskey.

“We should toast,” she says, the melancholy in her voice fading away, probably tucked back behind a wall. “To failed marriages.” 

She’s already refilling their glasses and lifting hers to bump with his. 

“Thought you ducked out on the whole wedding thing?” he teases. 

“Fine then, to failed romantics,” she impatiently shakes the ice in her glass, “Just do it.” 

He knocks his glass with hers and agrees, “To failed romantics, and night shifts, and all the other shitty stuff.”

Her face pinches as she finishes her drink. Gingerly, she takes both of their glasses and stacks them behind the bar. 

Like ripping a bandage off and letting the wound breathe, Leonard feels lighter. As Sunshine hops off the bar stool and straightens her uniform skirt, he can see on her face that she does too. 

“Thank you for the drink, and the talk, Len,” she says, and he waves her off. 

“Don't mention it.” 

“ Totally gonna mention it,” she grins, “and when the schedule suddenly gives you two days off in a row, you’ll know why.” 

He laughs, and shakes his head, “I don’t think that's allowed, Lieutenant.” 

“I have my ways,” she says innocently, as she saunters to the door. 

He watches her go, everything she’s told him still buzzing in his head. He can hardly make sense of everything he’s feeling at once, but there's one thought that sticks out among the rest, that sits on his chest, demanding to be heard. 

“Sunshine?” he calls before she’s gone, giving into his relentless mind.

“Yeah?”

When she turns around, he’s flooded with everything he’s ever wanted to tell her. How she has seeped into every part of his life since he met her, despite his once armored heart. How she doesn’t see it, but she's changed the entire atmosphere of the bridge, pouring life into it with her energy. How she's taught him how to be a better friend, a better man, even a better doctor. How she’s not too much, she's everything. 

 “You should know, you’re never too much, that's ridiculous. Anyone on this ship would agree in a heartbeat. Don’t know what I’d– what we’d do without you,” he rushes out. “I hope you never think you need to be anything other than who you are.”

She goes still in the door frame and observes him for a moment. He flounders in her silence, wondering if he should have just kept his mouth shut. She suddenly moves from the doorway, quickly striding towards him, the sound of her boots clacking on the floor. He has no time to react before she gently places her hand on his chest. She wastes no time, leaning down and pressing a warm kiss to his cheek. 

“Thank you,” she says meaningfully, searching his eyes for a brief moment before she turns heel again. She’s out the door without him even mustering up a word to say. 

His skin heats where her lips had touched him, a crackling feeling left in their place. He lifts his fingers to the skin, ghosting over the sticky remnants of her lipgloss. 

He sits, dumbfounded, knowing he’s gone somewhere there's no coming back from.     

[bardicious]

Spock's SNW Human-isms (Apparently an Essay)

This has gotta be one of my favorite parts of the episode. Everyone's already talked about Boimler's polite way of telling Chapel her and Spock's relationship is doomed and not worthy of note in the history books. Versus Spock and Kirk's legendary friendship romance T'hy'la status.

I am on the one hand, upset that Spirk will never be fully canon (because paramount is weak and so are it's homophobic fans), but delighted they're not really banking on the easy "Chapel was Spock's true love all along" because that would be fuckin disingenuous as hell, if you've watched ANY TOS episode or movie. Like, absolutely ridiculous. Beyond insane, and I can understand why it worries fans watching SNW. (though I think the reaction to them having any relationship is a bit much and childish).

Anyway, seeing Spock's early life and his fight between his supposed "human side" and "vulcan side" is such a big aspect of his early character. I get the impression that Spock fought hard to be Vulcan while he was growing up there, but held resentment to not being able to show his mother the "human" affection he thought she deserved. He saw her being ridiculed, her loneliness, his own loneliness when he couldn't fit in, and it broke his heart. A war between his emotions and his duties constantly firing. So enough is enough, he leaves Vulcan, because it's not right for him. And joins starfleet.

Starfleet's motto is accepting all kinds of people and understanding them. But lets be real, starfleet accepts Spock's skill, but not his personality or behaviors. He generally gets along with his crewmembers, but they don't really know him. Barring a few exceptions, maybe Captain Pike? But also not really. Captain Pike loves Spock, but my impression is he doesn't always get him. Not like Jim will.

Chapel gives the same vibes. She says she accepts Spock for who he is. But she likes the idea of the human!Spock inside of him. His human side who understood her better. Who, honestly, I think she would have kept if she was less ethical. But she's not. She's a good person, and that's not who Spock is, so it's not what she wants. But it's still this ideal of Spock she's grasping to. Of course, she doesn't want a more human Spock, that's a cruel thing to say, to think even. But ultimately Spock will never given her the behavior and emotional support she's looking for. It's just not there.

My impression of SNW Spock is that, he likes both T'Pring and Chapel, they're his friends, he loves them like a friend would, he protects them like a friend would. But both Chapel and T'Pring personify his human and vulcan ideals. They're the embodiment of what he should want. Not what he actually wants.

And once Chapel breaks his heart (possibly to "save" his amazing future), he will discard his attempts at "human" behavior. Begin to resent it. Hell, get a little racist with it. LMAO (Thinking of his interactions with McCoy - who's so human, or so willing to show his emotions, it irks Spock, because he tried that!)

It will be the crux of his feelings of shame. With Jim. Who's friendship and love is so important to him. But he just can't do it again. Quite possibly, maybe he should never try to love anyone again, because he's tried, and both options were so obviously wrong. How can he possibly fit in with another being?

But he can, because Jim's actually quite a vulcan human in some ways. Duty is the name of Jim's game. The greater good. The way Jim has decided to look at his own life and his family, and decided to take his experiences in a logical capacity rather than the emotional one Sam has taken everything in. Spock and Kirk are compatible, so naturally, that Spock and Kirk never had to try, they just know each other and understand each other. AND damn, everything about SNW just confirms Spirk, but I wish ffs, that they would "canonize" it.

[t0ast-ghost]

(Is There In Truth No Beauty?) S3 EP5 which sounds like a beautiful name. I think the truth can be beautiful…

Okay okay I’m going:

- Kirk absolutely GOING OFF on the Medusans “so utterly hideous” calm DOWN

- Dr. Jones sounds familiar (feel like I’ve heard her before)

- “I [Spock] was unable to accept. My life is here.” So are your boyfriends. Coincidence? I think not

- HEAVY FLASHING LIGHTS THIS EPISODE (be careful showing this to photosensitive friends)

- Kirk immediately flirting. So little do we get to see him out of soldier mode. This smile is what the great poets (fic writers) were talking about

- “Why isn’t it dangerous for you to be with Kollos. Spock I can understand, nothing makes an impression on him.” “Why, thank you, Captain.” “You’re very welcome, Mr Spock.” Never said he couldn’t flirt with two people in a single sitting

- “Yes, it’s very interesting. I might even say fascinating.” STOP FLIRTING

- MIRANDA BEAT DOCTOR MCCOY AT HIS OWN FUCKING GAME. Get owned McCoy. (I love McCoy but she was so right)

- Boyfriends alone in the conference room. Oops Spock left

- I think Miranda would have one of those bug catchers as a kid and a nice floppy sun hat with a drawstring. (She’s too curious about stuff and I relate to that so I think she would catch little bugs and look at them under a microscope)

- love when they have to lie down to fix something (thinking about those boots)

- McCoy is extra McCoy this episode (like his posture and face or smt)

- You know what moment it is…

- Kirk listening to how Dr. Jones perceives having a human relationship, he can’t not be relating this to how Spock feels

- “Ugly. What is ugly?” Yeah!!!

- ‘Miranda you can’t stop Spock.’ ‘He’s in danger.’ Kirk immediately lets her go

- They’re really shape here

- Spock smiling Spock smiling Spock smiling

- “James Kirk, captain and friend for many years. And Leonard McCoy… (laughs) also a long acquaintance. And Uhura, whose name means freedom. ‘She walks in beauty like the night.’” Imagine being McCoy and watching Spock laugh inches from your face

- HE HELD MIRANDA’S HAND… that’s really touching, I’m kinda liking Kollos and Jones

- SPOCK GETTING TO SHOW HIS EMOTIONS TO THE BRIDGE CREW… he looks so happily at Chekov

- “You are so alone.” Spock’s pining after McCoy and Kirk is overflowing into what Kollos experiences (self note: fic potential?)

- “Spock! Don’t look! Cover your eyes!” Okay I laughed at that line delivery

- I needed to take a break at this point because I started laughing really hard at this (you can kinda hear it at the end of the video)

- Then I paused the episode here

- If anyone can find that post with Kirk where it says smt like, ‘POV you’re a small bird he’s releasing back into to wild’ please link it

- I love how every time McCoy goes to attack he just runs at Spock and gets pushed back with a fist

- Her fit is giving drama teacher

- They had fun with cameras on this one

- I really like Miranda Jones

Masterpost

Episode written by Jean Lisette Aroeste

[izzy-art-879]

KND - The Filthy Crew (+ Cordelia) Headcanons

Since people liked my last KND Headcanons about Windsor, I've decided to make another one decidated to Captain James and the Filthy Crew because I feel like they don't get much attention. I also added my OC Cordelia Waves who you can learn more about here!

Captain James P. Dirt

He ran away from home when he was 11 after his mom tried to make him take a bath.

He acts as a father figure to the boys, even though he's annoyed with them most of the time.

He never knew how to shave, hence his hairy legs and stubble.

He avoids getting clean at all costs.

The P in his name stands for Pristine which means clean and fresh (how ironic).

He used to laugh at butt jokes when he was younger like his boys do.

When there's danger, him and his boys run like cowards. But if something or someone threatens his boys, he'll fight for them.

His room (or Captain's Quarter) is messy and filthy but it's relaxing for him.

He has a fear of rubber ducks because of Moby Duck.

When he was younger, his mom forcefully bathed with him cold water and scrubbed him harshly. Which explains his fear of baths and why he ran away from home.

Dr. McCoy

His real name is Diego McCoy.

He knows a lot about medicine, hence why he's the doctor.

He's known for his sarcastic and sardonic wit.

He can be pessimistic when things go rough and has a short temper.

His favorite animals are hamsters.

He specializes in health and helps the boys keep healthy because that filth and dirt can make anyone sick (even them but their immune system got stronger over time).

He's a fan of Yipper and superhero comics.

Along with Mr. Pee-ew, he enjoys teasing and playing pranks on others.

Mr. Slob

His real name is Cristian Nimoy.

Out of all of the boys, he's calm and collected even in the face of danger.

He's the brains of the crew.

Surprisingly, he can be sarcastic at times.

He and Diego playfully banter with each other and get on each other's nerves (mostly on purpose).

He stays calm in every situation but secretly freaks the freak out on the inside.

In his spare time, he likes to draw and color.

He is Captain Dirt's second-in-command.

Mr. Pee-ew

His real name is Parker Takei.

He is a prankster and enjoys cracking jokes.

He doesn't take anything seriously but panics when things get serious.

He doesn't like to admit it since he puts on a tough facade, but he's very sensitive.

He likes to keep his hair messy and wild. He hates washing his hair.

Back home, he had very strict parents so that was part of the reason why he was more than happy to be part of the S.S. Stinkypants.

He's the helmsman of the ship.

He really hates getting his hair wet or washed.

Spotty

His real name is Maxwell "Maxie" Doohan.

He's a bit of a worrywart and is the first one to panic when there's trouble.

He fidgets sometimes when he's nervous.

He's the lieutenant commander and chief engineer of the ship.

He's the one to fix the ship or a problem and doesn't mind getting messy when doing so.

He's a little shy, especially when it comes to meeting new people but is still friendly regardless.

However, he surprisingly has a sharp sense of humor when he comes out of his shell.

Cordelia Waves

Her full name is Cordelia Laguna Waves.

She hates litterbugs, especially litterbugs who throw their trash in the ocean.

She wants to make friends with everyone she mets and to travel the world to meet more people one day.

She's way too trusting for her own good.

She recently enjoys collecting mermaid dolls.

Her and her family are eco-friendly.

She's not a fan of dirt and mud, but will tolerate them for the sake of the Filthy Crew.

She enjoys running when she's human but often trips a lot due to her being new to legs.

She loves hanging out with the Filthy Crew boys (who secretly have huge crushes on her).

She sees Captain James as a weird but funny uncle figure.

If she was in the Kids Next Door, her codename would be Numbuh 12,080 which is the average ocean depth in feet and Numbuh 20,000 would most likely have a crush on her.

When she's human, she (unknowingly) gets many attention from the boys her age (much to the dismay and frustration of the Filthy Crew boys. They usually drive the other boys away when Cordelia isn't looking).

[fely-v]

I did not forget about the promise I made to myself to embody some of the ideas in the post from the link below.

https://www.tumblr.com/dahyeltal/718137638707740673/spones-day-is-on-june-26th-looking-for-some?source=share

I took the third idea from the "General" section and now I present my little sketch on this topic. I must warn you that English is not my native language and therefore I hope that the translator has done his job.

***

- I didn't know you played three-dimensional chess, Doctor.

- I also play regular chess, Mr. Spock. It's just that I usually didn't see the need to participate in the game with you. After all, it's not my privilege.

He moved one of the pieces to the upper tier. Spock raised an eyebrow in surprise.

- A privilege, Doctor?"

- Well, maybe you can call it something else. Yeah, just admit it. Are you really playing on this ship with anyone other than Jim? - McCoy tilted his head with interest, looking into the Vulcan's eyes. The doctor's lips twitched slightly in a smile

- Most of the people here either do not play chess, or are not ready to play with you specifically, because they know your abilities. I used to think they were doing it for fear of embarrassing themselves. Eventually, you will smash them to pieces. However, looking at your communication with the captain, I realized that you need not so much the game itself as your opponent. For you, chess is a good reason to devote time to communication and socialization, and for Jim it is a great release. And as much as I'd like to rub your nose in, Mr. Spock, I have no desire to deprive you and Jim of this little friendly ritual. Although, to be honest, sometimes my hands itched from the fact that I wanted to move a couple of pieces for someone's victory.

Spock silently considered everything that was said, while Bones bit his lip and considered his move. He found it illogical to argue with the doctor now. Considering that his words were not devoid of meaning, as well as illogical metaphors. Spock had never before paid attention to the fact that he always preferred to spend the game with the captain rather than with any other officer. Although there were certainly avid chess players on the board. He never imagined that one day, for example, Petty Officer Kendall Rumer would be sitting with him on the other side of the board. But even less did he expect that here and now his opponent in chess would be Dr. McCoy. Games with the captain always seemed fruitful to him, no matter how many rounds he won or lost. Inside, he always felt satisfied.

- I think you're right, Doctor. - Spock broke the silence, removing the opponent's piece from the board, - However, I should note that if I knew about your abilities, then you could join this, as you put it, "ritual". I don't think it would have disrupted our communication with the captain. I find it illogical to hide my potential.

- It's just that you've never asked about him, Mr. Spock. And since we're talking about potential... - With a precise movement, McCoy removed the white piece from the board, replacing it with a black one, and looked at the Vulcan with undisguised triumph in his blue eyes.

- Fascinating, - was all the senior assistant said, realizing that in about four moves the doctor would checkmate him with a probability of eighty point and fifty-six hundredths of a percent. In just one game, McCoy was able to transform in front of his eyes from a man who had everything written on his face into a mysterious doctor who sees and knows much more than he says.

[novemberhush]

5 Favourite Characters Poll and Tag Game

Rules: make a poll with five of your all-time favourite characters and then tag five people to do the same. See which character is everyone's favourite.

I know I did a longer version of this recently, but this is in response to the earlier tag from @littleblackraincloudofcourse , which I kept meaning to get around to and never did (sorry about that, and thanks for the tag! ❤️). Also, I promised the Tatort girlies (gn) that just because I went with Adam last time didn’t mean I had any less love for Leo (I love them both, your honour). Okay, here we go.

(I still haven’t watched the last series or Christmas special of Ghosts, and I’ve managed to avoid spoilers thus far - please help me keep it that way until I’m ready to watch it! - so I don’t know if the Captain’s name has been revealed or not so I’ve just went with ‘The Captain’ in this poll.)

I tag @smowkie @kinkykinard @firstdegreefangirl @all-or-nothing-baby @princecharmingwinks and anyone else who wants to play. No pressure on anyone who doesn’t! 😘

[dreamthinkimagine]

Music

For @nhasablogg

Music.

That was one thing people didn't think of when they thought of one James Kirk. They would think of Uhura or Spock, but not him. She could often be found singing to herself, and anyone who'd listen, in the halls and break room. You could hear the strings of a Vulcan lute being plucked into a beautiful melody as you passed Spock's quarters. He'd even play in the break room on occasion and allow Uhura to sing along. Jim, however, seemed to never even hum a tune to himself. So, Spock's human half was quite surprised to hear a kalimba from the other side of the Captain's door.

He stood there a minute, listening to the song. It was nothing like he'd ever heard. Oh, he had heard a kalimba before, but the song was nothing he'd expect from his Captain. It was soothing, relaxing, and he wanted to join the melody. He knocked on the door.

"Captain, may I enter?"

"Of course, Mr. Spock." The door opened to reveal Kirk sitting on his bed, the small, wooden instrument in his hands. "What's up?"

"I did not know you were a musician, Captain." Kirk chuckled.

"I guess you could hear it, huh? Well, I'm not so sure I'd call myself one per se, but I know a few songs. It's a hobby."

"Music is a most logical practice, Captain." Kirk smiled. 'Of course it is, Spock' he thought to himself. "As I also happen to play an instrument, would you care if I retrieved it and joined you?"

"Not at all, Mr. Spock." He thanked him and started speed-walking to his quarters. Running would be too emotional. Thankfully everyone ignored him, figuring he was busy with important work. Everyone except for Doctor McCoy.

"Where are you goin' in such a hurry?"

"To retrieve my Vulcan lute."

"That doesn't explain why you're in a rush."

"I have just discovered that the Captain plays the kalimba and -"

"You're gonna play together!"

"...Yes, in his quarters."

"Do you think Jim'd mind if I come?"

"You play an instrument as well, Doctor?"

"Not exactly, but I used to sing in the Church choir when I was a boy, and I like to think I can still carry a tune." He smirked. "It would certainly make his kalimba and your lute sound a lot better."

"You think you can 'carry a tune', or you can, Doctor?" Bones straightened out.

"I'll get some sheet music and will be by in a few minutes."

"Vulcan sheet music is much more complex than yours."

"Well, it's a good thing Jim and I won't be reading Vulcan music," he said and headed for his quarters.

***

Back in Jim's room, he happily plucked away at the keys to a nice little melody. He loved the sound, loved the way the keys echoed over one another. It was relaxing, and that was something he rarely felt being the Captain of a starship.

When his door opened again, he was greeted by Spock, lute in hand, and ready to go.

"My apologizies, Captain. I was approached by Dr. McCoy in the hall, and he is determined to join us."

"Well, I don't see why he can't. What does he play?"

"He sings."

"...Well, this should be interesting," he said with a small, yet surprised, smile.

"What do you wish to play, Captain," Spock asked sitting down in a chair.

"I don't know. What Earth songs to you know? Your mother is human, she must've sang some." Without another word Spock began plucking out an earth tune. Jim recognized it, but didn't know it on his instrument. He tried different keys, trying to find the right notes, but once he found them he caught on quickly.

Soon Jim was lost in the sounds. The lute and his kalimba mixed together so well, forming a sound relaxing to the ear. Nothing else mattered anymore. Just him, Spock, and the beautiful melody they performed for each other. "You certainly know how to tickle the ivories, Mr. Spock. Or, strings."

That's when Spock stopped playing and looked up at Jim, eyebrows furrowed. "'Tickle the strings', Captain? I believe you are confused." Now Jim stopped playing.

"Confused?"

"How can I 'tickle the strings' when I will receive no reaction from them?" Jim saw where he was going with this now. "When I pluck the strings on my Vulcan lute," he said demonstrating, "it makes a sound, as it logically should. But that is not the reaction to be expected from tickling." He reached over and scribbled his fingers against Kirk's side. Jim laughed and pulled away, placing one hand on his side as a shield. "Laughter is the typical response."

"I know Spock. It's an earth saying meaning that you're a good musician."

"The phrase is illogical." Jim laughed again.

"Well -" Kirk was cut off by his own laughter as Spock started tickling again. He quickly placed his kalimba on his bed, not wanting it to break.

"There is no earth instrument that produces a sound such as this. Therefore the phrase is illogical."

"Spohohohock!" He noticed that Jim's pitch got higher or lower depending on where and how he tickled. He began using Jim's laughter to create the melody they had just played.

"I believe a situation such as this would be better fitting for your phrase, though still illogical." Thats when the door opened.

"Alright, I didn't have any Vulcan or kalimba sheet music, but I hope this'll - what's going on here?"

"I have made a fascinating discovery, Doctor. And perhaps fixed an earth saying." Spock then demonstrated and played a brand new melody for McCoy.

When Uhura passed the door, she stopped for a few seconds, listening to the song and walked away humming the new tune. When people asked her where it was from, she'd say, "I heard it from the Captain."

Yes, music was now something people would think of when they thought of Jim Kirk.

[hummingbird-of-light]

In Our Favor

Part 247

McCoy

McCoy and Scotty had shown Francine and Granddad all over campus, chatting about their classes and friends as they did. As the afternoon began to turn into evening, the older Scott’s led the boys from campus to the kitchen they had rented. The building wasn’t too far from campus.

McCoy knew Scotty had sent a message to all their friends about coming to dinner; he had heard the first chirps of his comm before turning the volume off, but had continued to feel the slight vibration in his pocket.

Francine and Granddad had apparently already gone grocery shopping as the counters and small fridge held a number of bags.

“Everyone says they’ll be here,” Scotty said, looking down at his comm. McCoy pulled out his own and began to scroll through the group messages.

He smiled at Keenser’s simple thumbs up emoji and chuckled at Jim’s enthusiastic, overly exclamation marked yes. Though Scotty was wrong, one person hadn’t replied.

“Aporal didn’t answer yet,” McCoy pointed out.

Scotty sighed. “I know.”

“Will he come?” Francine asked.

“Who can say?” Scotty shrugged. “He’s been doing better about joining us.”

McCoy nodded his agreement. “He really has. Maybe Jaylah will drag him along,” he grinned.

Scotty smiled back. “Maybe.” He looked back at his mother. “How can we help?”

McCoy was content as he worked closely next to Francine and she showed him how she was preparing the meal. He had helped in her kitchen before, during his trips to Scotland, but never much more than cutting up vegetables for salads.

“Next time ye pair come home we’ll do some more Leonard,” Francine promised. “We’ll turn you into a great cook.”

“I’ll look forward to it,” McCoy smiled brightly.

Behind them the noise of their friends coming in and chatting was a familiar murmur.

“Hey!” called a loud, indignant voice and McCoy and Francine turned to see Jim staring at them from the doorway. “I wanted to help!”

Francine laughed. “Get over here lad!”

“Since when do you cook?” Jim asked as he set himself up on Francine’s other side.

“Since thirty minutes ago,” McCoy answered. “Gotta learn at some point. Especially if we get a place next year. Who better to teach me?”

“Oh Leonard,” Francine said, a faint blush rising on her cheeks.

“Well, all her recipes are up here,” Jim said, tapping the side of his head. “So if you need any other help Bones…”

“Thanks kid.” McCoy laughed at the scowl Jim gave him.

“Ye came!”

McCoy glanced over his shoulder at his husband’s exclamation. Aporal had just come in behind Jaylah. The alien girl caught McCoy’s eye and grinned quickly. The prince had quietly sent her a message after there had still been no reply from Aporal. McCoy knew if anyone would have luck getting the Andorian boy there it was Jaylah.

Aporal answered something to Scotty, but McCoy turned back to the stove and missed it. He could guess it was something sarcastic though.

Part 248

Scotty

"I can hardly miss watching the captain try to cook, now can I?" Aporal replied to Scotty's exclamation and Jaylah elbowed him in the side.

"Aporal," she hissed and gave him a stern look, but the Andorian just grinned.

"Is there anything we can do to help you guys?" Christine asked quickly to prevent an argument and Scotty looked over his shoulder at his mother, husband and friend, who were all busy cooking.

"I don't think so. Maybe we could set the table together," he suggested.

Christine nodded understandingly and they all got to work.

In the end, there was a task for every single one of them and it wasn't long before everyone was sitting at the table looking at the food that had been prepared. There was enough for everyone.

"It's so nice to see ye all again," Francine said, smiling at the familiar faces before looking at Aporal, Cora and Eugene. "And to get to know ye better. I really hope ye enjoy the food we made."

"It looks super tasty," Eugene replied, seemingly eager to finally try some. Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Well then, please help yourselves. Eat as much as ye can."

The plates were quickly filled and conversations broke out in the group. Scotty gave Leonard an affectionate look and their knees bumped together as usual.

"Well, eating this, I can tell ye really are a natural at cooking," the Scotsman said, trying something his husband had cooked.

Leonard blushed and scratched the back of his head in embarrassment.

"If you say so," he mumbled.

"Ha!" Jim laughed. "He couldn't have done it without me."

"Jim," Francine said in a warning tone and the young man winced slightly. Francine's eyes softened when they wandered to her son-in-law.

"Don't listen to him. Ye did a really good job, Leonard."

Leonard sent his mother-in-law a gentle and grateful smile.

"Thank you, Francine. With your help, I'll become a master chef."

After dinner they all cleaned up the kitchen together. Francine and Granddad said that they would give the key card back in the morning. It had gotten quite late and they needed some sleep.

The hotel wasn't too far from where they had rented the kitchen, so the little group of friends accompanied the Scottish guests on their way back, before they headed to the academy.

Scotty couldn't help but look at Jaylah and Aporal who were walking next to each other, chatting away. Scotty smiled to himself. Apparently the lass had forgotten all about the others and the thoughts they could have about the two of them. And Scotty was very glad to see that.

"It really was a nice evening," Leonard said, squeezing Scotty's hand gently and the Scotsman turned his head to look at him. He put his head on Leonard's shoulder.

"Aye, it was. All thanks to ye."

[dgcatanisiri]

Among the "canon will have its say" elements about how the characters of SNW and their fates that I do kinda worry about is how Sam Kirk is going to end up leaving Starfleet. There's the possibility that whatever is happening to the captives on the Gorn vessel will be part of what has him decide to walk away from the fleet.

If that is where he's heading, I do hope that it gets to be an ongoing and processing arc, bare minimum something that acts as his character focus in season three, rather than just "that experience was too much, I'm out" through just the next season premiere and maybe its aftermath in the following episode.

Mostly because we haven't really had Sam get his development in, considering he's not main cast (and, y'know, we're still seeing Ortegas not being given her full due at this point, two seasons in - the downside of ten episode seasons). So if this ends up being the catalyst, I hope it's not a 'one and done' kind of thing, but something that weighs on him and leads to more time and focus.

After all, Sam Kirk occupies this strange place in canon - he's connected to the character many consider "the first" Star Trek captain, "appeared" in one episode (in quotes since he was already dead and just portrayed by Shatner with a mustache, so I don't know if I'd consider that an appearance properly), but before SNW came along, all we knew about him was that he was James Kirk's brother, had a wife and three kids (maybe? McCoy calls Jim Peter's only surviving family in Operation: Annihilate!, but the earlier What Are Little Girls Made Of? said that Sam had three sons, so minor muddle there), and that he dies on Deneva. That's really about all we knew for certain about him for fifty-five years, until he showed up for Strange New Worlds. Novels and comics and games had various tidbits thrown out there, but they were never considered 100% canon and could be contradicted without a care by canon.

So I would like to see more development of this character while we have him. Obviously, I don't want to short anyone else in the cast either, but there are plenty of ways to incorporate him with these other characters, to have him paired up with them and develop him alongside them.

And for the record, I don't think they'd go in the "one/two episodes and he's out" route next season anyway, considering that one) they haven't really used him that much after going out of their way to involve him in SNW (since that short appearance in O:A just spoke about him as a colonist on Deneva, no mention of him having a Starfleet career), and two) there did seem to be some seeds planted for an ongoing arc during Lost in Translation, of him trying to work through his issues about his father's expectations.

Also it gives a way for them to keep bringing Paul Wesley's James Kirk back in, which... I somehow doubt that they're done with James Kirk in SNW at this point.

[noforkingclue]

Just One Year Chapter 9 (Bones x reader)

Just One Year tag list: @brilliantbutbatty, @440mxs-wife, @pile-of-bones-and-stars, @alinedeluce, @stephdavies95, @bubblegum-star-trek, @waleyfish

Star Trek tag list: @strange-old-worlds, @stardustnerd

Everything tag list: @greenrevolutionary, @byebyebreezywrites, @spngingerbread21, @layazul, @lov3vivian, @simonsbluee

Life had seemingly settled down into a routine for you.

It had certainly taken some getting used to being in a ship as large as the Enterprise. Most of your spare time was spent actually learning on how to find places. You were slowly getting more confident finding your way around but you still got lost.

It was a quiet night in the med bay. You had decided to stay up a bit late and catch up on your paperwork. Besides, you actually enjoyed being there at night. Most patients were asleep and while there were still people on duty there was a peace that wasn’t there during the day.

“Shouldn’t you be asleep?”

You looked up as Doctor McCoy’s voice cut through the peace. He folded his arms and gave you a pointed look and said,

“You don’t have to stay up this late.”

“I prefer it. Besides, shouldn’t I say the same thing about you?”

“That’s different.”

“How?”

“Because I’m the Chief Medical Officer. People expect me to be here.”

“People also expect you to sleep,” you said as you relaxed back in your chair, “You can’t function off of coffee alone.”

“That’s sounds like you’re speaking from experience.”

“Too many late nights at the Academy,” you said with a fond smile, “Practically lived in that library.”

McCoy slowly walked towards you and sat down opposite you. You put down the paperwork you were working on, knowing that you probably weren’t going to get much else done tonight.

“Why?” he asked

“Why what?”

“Why do you prefer staying up late?”

“Because it gives me time to think.”

“About what?”

“Just about life. How things are going.”

“You not happy here.”

“It’s been… challenging.”

“Oh?”

You sighed deeply and debating on whether or not you should tell McCoy about this. However, it seemed like he was trying with being friendlier with you. You understood that he wasn’t always the easiest person to get along with. At best the two of you had a professional working relationship. Maybe the Captain had told him to be friendlier?

“It’s difficult being away from Peter. Is it bad to say that I’m used to being away from my family?”

“If it’s what you’re used to.”

“Never really saw my Dad after he and my Mum got divorced,” you said, “Joined Starfleet practically straight away so I didn’t see much of Mum either. Then I met Peter and well,” you shrugged and smiled, “Rest is history. What about you? You got anyone back on Earth?”

“Got a daughter,” McCoy looked away, a hint of bitterness in his voice, “I try and see her when I can but not enough as I’d like. My ex-wife makes it as difficult as possible.”

“I’m sorry to hear that. It’s hard being away from those you love.”

“Yeah.”

A silence lapsed over the two of you. The awkwardness of the previous silences seemed to have been diluted slightly. A quiet understanding had passed between the two of you. As you tried to stifle a yawn McCoy gave you a pointed look.

“You need to sleep,” he said, “Can’t have you falling asleep on duty tomorrow.”

[jennawynn]

Chronotrek: The Final Frontier

They really went Star Wars here, huh? A cat woman exotic dancer with 3 boobs? When will they get real and give them two rows of nipples like real cats?

WAIT. Scotty and Uhura are together??? Why do I love this? Also that Uhura's actually silver.

They shot Pioneer??

You know... why aren't _men_ more offended by this kind of thing? That a whole bunch of men would just abandon their posts to slobber after a naked singing woman? Like do men not feel offended that they were so often portrayed as being controlled by their dicks?

I can't speak to how Nichelle felt about the scene, but at least Uhura seemed to enjoy it.

For all the Spirk, why not Jim/Spock/McCoy triad? lmao

Guess it happened. Not a candle to the 20k Spirks, though.

So I asked him, see, I asked him "What does God need with a starship," right? And then I shot him. You... shot. God. Sure. He shot me first, though. Then I blew him up. and then the Klingons shot him too.

I love how often Spock says "I'm incapable of a lie" even though that is a lie :joy:

A Klingon... apologizing?

My god that scene would make anyone a Spirk True Believer. I thought I was going to die. Not possible. You were never alone. Kirk gazes at Spock with open admiration and love. He reaches out and takes Spock by the shoulders. Please, Captain... not in front of the Klingons.

I'm not surprised this movie didn't do well. Kind of surprised that it wasn't really considered canon until SNW but /shrug. I didn't like it. Kept getting distracted while watching bc it couldn't hold my attention. The last 10 min or so were the only part that I was actually interested.

[t0ast-ghost]

S3 EP16 (The Mark Of Gideon) hmmm this sounds like something from supernatural…

I’m sorry I’ll never mention supernatural again:

- Sending Kirk down by himself? His boyfriends will be worried :((

- “I shall be interested in your description, Captain” “You won’t have long to wait.” This was said with so much lust

- Kirk calling to anyone and everyone. “Bones. Bones answer me.” D:

- Spock has immediate concern for his boyfriend

- Spock sees McCoy is on the bridge and immediately wants to escape to the planet. He’s not dealing with McCoy’s worry on top of his own

- “We must acknowledge once and for all that the purpose of diplomacy is to prolong a crisis.” Spock is so so angry he can’t go looking for his boyfriend

- “You mean you’re going to scan space for him.” My god he wants that man so bad. Scanning the entirety of space when he goes missing is not normal behaviour.

- Spock is very bitter towards bureaucrats and diplomats this episode and I agree

- Hey Kirk. Just this once buddy, don’t kiss her. Can you do that?

- On the video call McCoy looks seconds from snapping and Spock is right there with him

- I love when everyone was on Spock’s side like ‘yeah they fucking suck, I’m sorry bbygirl’

- Quilt ass vest

- Scotty is not going to take them besmirching his transporters

- Spock needs to go listen to Break Stuff

- Kirk’s ass It’s sad how sad Kirk is.

- pretty privilege

- “I envy you and your sense of loyalty. I want to ease your feeling of dread, your fear that all your crew no longer exists.”

- twenty four minutes and fifty seconds in. He’s kissing her.

- THE GREEN PEOPLE ARE JUST WATCHIJGBTHEM KISSWGAT

- ID BE SO FREAKED THE FUCK OUT NAH. No. Legitimate fear is to look out a window and see someone watching. this is a no.

- Time for me to ask what is happening

- Aaand they’re using Kirk in their little fucked up little experiments

- Spock is angy

- I like how there is legitimate character development. Spock and McCoy aren’t fighting, McCoy knows Spock is doing everything he can, short of just running in there. And Spock is getting visibly pissed off which McCoy I think would be proud of if their boyfriend wasn’t missing

- Kirk not afraid to fight some bitches

- “That’s the best possible decision you could make, Spock. I’m with you.” Kiss each other Character development yay!

- Spock is using ‘logic’ to break the rules and save Jim.

- Spock is protective of McCoy, McCoy is protective of Spock

- After Spock leaves Scotty walks up to McCoy with this look like he’s about to ask him if he’s dating Spock

- “I will not be long.” Is the equivalent of ‘I’ll be right back’ number one rule is never say it

- Trippy ass shippy

- If you’ve lived so long why are you dressed like that? Can’t contract a sickness AND can’t contract a sense of fashion

- This is awful

- Spock should’ve brought McCoy with him

- Spock THREW that man

- Spock is like, ‘don’t get in the way, I will bitch slap you.’ (Edit: three Spock comments in a row)

- PRETTY BOY PRIVILEGE (what’s got you smiling like that) if he smiled at me like that I wouldn’t survive

- “As crowded as my planet is, I wish for it to hold one more person.” *smiles* “Kirk to transporter control one to beam down to the planet Gideon.” ‘nah, bitch’

Development: I’ve found out how to cross things out I’ll use it for evil

Masterpost

Episode written by George F. Slavin & Stanley Adams

[sshbpodcast]

Don’t forget to remember these Star Trek memory wipes

By Ames

What did I start writing this blogpost for? I can’t seem to remember, so I might as well make a post about memory and how frequently our heroes in Star Trek seem to get theirs erased. We see enough tampering with people’s minds to give just about anyone an identity crisis, so this week A Star to Steer Her By will be focusing specifically on memory wipes.

Read on below and/or listen to this week’s episode (discussion at 1:03:36) for all the instances of memory wipes we could remember. And if I’ve forgotten any others, there’s an obvious reason for that… I didn’t feel like including them! Prepare to have your mind blown, and then reassembled again with some chunks missing.

[Images © CBS/Paramount]

“The Changeling”

An early instance of someone getting their mind erased happens when Nomad encounters Uhura and scrubs down her brain to try to understand why she was singing. It’s debatable how intentionally malicious this was but the results are the same: a vegetable for a comms officer. Somehow Nurse Chapel is able to teach Uhura how to be a person a little and we’re left to assume she’s relearned everything, though the implications are absolutely horrifying.

“The Paradise Syndrome”

Kirk ker-zaps his brain when snooping around an obelisk and manages to lose all his memories just in time to hook up with a hot native woman. As squicky as much of this episode is, Kirk’s not really at fault here because he literally has no idea what’s going on. If that’s not an effective way around the Prime Directive, as we discussed at length last week, then nothing is!

“Requiem for Methuselah”

Blink and you miss this one because it happens at the very end of the episode and doesn’t really get explained or lingered upon. After losing the love of his life of the week, Kirk is mourning Rayna the Robot and Spock doesn’t understand why. So when McCoy says it’d be nice if the captain could forget her, Spock (that cad!) decides on his own, entirely illogically, to go in and do something to Kirk’s memories without consent while he sleeps. It’s one of the most effed up things that Spock does, and many people won’t even notice it. Yikes.

“Pen Pals”

On the subject of our discussion of the Prime Directive from last week, here’s an episode that was pretty appropriate and has a memory wipe! It’s another sneaky way around lessening cultural contamination: just blank the relevant memories of the individual from the less developed society and it’s like we didn’t break our golden rule at all! Lucky for us, the Pulaski Method doesn’t work on all people or we could just use it in every episode and the show would never have any stakes at all.

“Transfigurations”

We’ve got an absolute ton of memory-related episodes in TNG, so let’s continue through with an amnesiac who’s evolving past his corporeal form and doesn’t even remember why. It’s kind of an interesting look at identity and a person’s potential, wrapped up in a kind of convoluted romance plot. But John Doe is a cool enough guy, especially when you look at memory loss episodes and how the individual still tends to shine through.

“Clues”

We brought up “Clues” recently when we discussed how Trek characters get possessed by entities quite a lot, so here’s a crossover in which they also lose their memories of meeting the Paxans. Like Pulaski performing a memory wipe on Sarjenka in “Pen Pals,” the reclusive aliens give a good brain cleaning to the Enterprise crew so that they don’t remember meeting them. Good for them!

“Conundrum”

Even better than the example in “Transfigurations” of amnesiac characters learning who they are is the episode “Conundrum.” The whole ship has lost their memories due to alien shenanigans, but the fascinating thing to watch is how the different crew members make assumptions about their identities through curiosity, logic, and wishful thinking while still acting fairly in character. They gravitate toward their natural personalities, which is kinda neat.

“Aquiel”

Trek doesn’t always nail mystery episodes, and “Aquiel” pulled out all the stops by including just about every red herring it could in this murder mystery in space. The top of those distractions was that the titular character couldn’t seem to remember anything about recent events for no good reason, except that there was a very good reason. Turns out nearly getting absorbed by a coalescent organism starts to wipe your memory. Who knew?

“Dark Page”

At some point (around, let’s say, “Half a Life”), TNG started writing Lwaxana Troi really well, and she gets a lot of really substantial character work in “Dark Page.” Lwaxana buried the memory of her deceased daughter somewhere in her mind. Maybe it’s a Betazoid thing. And in a much better memory-house adventure than catastrophes like “Distant Voices” and “Extreme Measures,” Deanna helps her through her trauma and it’s very sweet.

“Thine Own Self”

One more memory loss episode from TNG because there were just so many. With no memories of who he is or why he’s got so much radioactive material in his possession, Data makes himself comfortable on Barkon IV. Like the amnesia episodes discussed above, it’s very interesting to watch Data’s natural curiosity and intelligence pepper his actions even though he doesn’t know who he is as he saves the village from, well, himself.

“Equilibrium”

Moving on to other series, let’s trek over to Deep Space Nine and roll our eyes a whole bunch at how the Trill get retconned with just about every episode in which they’re the focus. It is from some big Trill conspiracy that the Dax symbiont had a whole past host’s memories removed so no one would know their big wormy secret. If it weren’t for Jadzia (or really, for Julian and Benjamin) uncovering the foul play, we’d have never learned about Joran. Oh no, big loss…

“Sons of Mogh”

Here’s another really unethical, rather uncomfortable one. If you can sort of shove Spock removing Kirk’s memories of Rayna under the rug, this one will be harder to justify. Bashir wipes Kurn’s memories with absolutely no consent because Klingon rituals seem barbaric and even less ethical to our soft Federation eyes. It’s a tough justification to make when you know that it goes against Kurn’s wishes. Ames wrote a whole fanfic about it. Frankly, he’s probably better off dead.

“The Killing Game”

Update 1/26/24: Apparently my memory got wiped at some point because I didn’t remember to include “The Killing Game” in this list when I first wrote it. But obviously the Hirogen blank the crew’s memories so they can play out their battle scenarios. And like in “Conundrum” and other amnesia episodes, it’s entertaining to see the similarities and differences between the French Resistance characters and their normal Starfleet personalities. No matter the circumstance, they will always fight for individuality.

“Unforgettable”

Moving on to our friends in the Delta Quadrant, let’s visit with the Ramurans for the very first time… every time we meet them! They’re a pretty neat race who naturally block memory engrams from forming in the people they interact with, and as a bonus they also have an instrument they can use on each other as well! So perhaps they can be blamed for how the romance between Kellin and Chakotay is adorable and yet perfectly forgettable.

“Latent Image”

On the podcast, we just covered “Latent Image,” which takes some of the squickier, nonconsensual memory wipe concepts we’ve just discussed, and actually brings the ethical debate to the forefront. It reminds me a bit of “Tuvix” which we liked so much because it explores the different sides of an equally impossible dilemma and puts a human face on it. Some may say Janeway makes a better decision here though.

“Workforce”

Update 1/26/24: Here’s one that we reviewed after this blogpost came out that I have to add since I never had these memories to begin with. When the whole crew gets abducted by the Quarren, they repress everyone’s memories so they’ll be docile, hardworking drones during their employment crisis. And like “The Killing Game,” it’s actually quite fascinating to watch how their personalities are reflected in their new characters, something I always love in memory wipe episodes. Tom loves B’Elanna no matter what, and it’s so cute.

“The Seventh”

Updated 1/26/24: Now that we’re finally doing our Enterprise watchthrough over on the podcast, I see I needed to add this T’Pol-centered episode to the memory wipes list. We learn that she underwent the fullara, a Vulcan mind-wiping technique that looks none too pleasant, because she was wracked with guilt for murdering a Vulcan defector to death. Apparently Vulcans aren’t logical enough to just get therapy.

“Observer Effect”

We brought up the Enterprise episode “Observer Effect” when we talked about possessions recently, so now I know to bring it up here too! Not only are the Organians possessing people’s bodies for periods of time, but they actively have a chat with a very pissed-off Phlox and wipe his recollection of it. Those guys’ definition of the Prime Directive has always been a little different.

“Despite Yourself”

Let’s jump ahead to Discovery. We didn’t mention this one on the podcast, but I wanted to bring it up here because it’s so messed up. L’Rell makes herself a sleeper agent when she crams Voq inside of Ash Tyler, turducken style, and blanks his memory, only to turn it back on later when it’s appropriate. And that happens to be in “Despite Yourself” when the poor guy is already having enough of an identity crisis.

“Reflections”

We here at SSHB (and I specifically) are quick to judgment of Lower Decks’s comedy, but it does also get a lot right, especially in the latest season! I’m particularly a big fan of Rutherford’s character arc, and the episode “Reflection” does some really great backstory building regarding his life before his implant, which is gone from his memory. He’s a fully different person from who he used to be, and I’m looking very forward to learning more as the show goes on! You never thought you’d hear me say that, didn’t you?

“A Moral Star” et alia

We give as much guff to Lower Decks as we heap praise onto Prodigy in its storytelling, characterizations, and pretty much everything else (opening title sequence, for instance). Somehow it’s still in season one as I write this so mild spoilers abound. I actually got chills when Gwyn lost her short-term memories by seeing Zero’s reflection outside their suit in “A Moral Star”. And then more chills later in the season as her and the Diviner’s memories are coming back! This plot development is still ongoing and I can’t encourage you more to check it out and see where they take it!

“Among the Lotus Eaters”

Update 1/26/24: Adding this one after the fact, so some spoilers for Strange New Worlds season two here. But this episode is just so clever in its use of memory to a very thought-provoking effect. The idea that memory is used as a way to control people and to exert power is so original and captivating that I just needed to come back and update this list. Knowledge of your own identity is literally power here on Rigel VII, and I’m such a fan of that kind of introspection.

—

My memories are returning, so let’s wrap this one up here. Let us know what other episodes you’ve remembered that have been purged from my mind somehow. Jot down a hand-written note to remind yourself to listen to the watch-along podcast over on SoundCloud or wherever you like to tune in, recall us on Facebook and Twitter, and remind me who you are again?

[greeneyedpixie99]

Stars *Leonard "Bones" McCoy* Prologue

Summary: After living in her brother's shadow since the day they were born, Eleanor "Nell" Kirk decides to take her life into her own hands. Joining Starfleet, she finds not only a place to belong but potentially, someone she wouldn't mind spending her life with.

Pairing: Eleanor "Nell" Kirk x Leonard "Bones" McCoy

Warnings: Mention of Character Death (George Kirk prior to the start of the series), Fear of flying, Mentions of puking.

PROLOGUE

My entire early childhood I dreamed of the stars, of flying through space looking at every new planet and every new species that the universe could bring. I would draw picture and write stories and even dig through old archives for any images of space I could find. My dreams were quickly squashed by my mother, terrified over losing her darling daughter. She took me to bed at barely eight years old and told me the truth of my fathers death, not the sanitized version that she told as stories when I was a child. She told me the whole truth, the distress call. The attack, the death of the Captain aboard the Romulan ship and then finally my father’s death minutes before I was brought into the world.

Ever since the fear freezes me. Whilst I loved to interact and speak with the aliens that would come to the local “watering hole” here in nowhere Iowa, the thought of traveling to their home world had me paralyzed with fear. The very idea that the Romulan ship that stole my father from me and left my mother a widow was free to float through space kept my feet firmly planted on planet earth. The closest I knew I could ever get to the once beautiful dream I had was easy to accomplish for someone with my brain- between medical school and my brothers shenanigans my life was so full I no longer worried about my old fears.

That is until my bedroom door was nearly knocked off its hinges barely after two am.

The comfort of my full sized bed was immense after nearly sixteen hours working. It was satisfying work but my bed was far more satisfying, or it would have been had my door not rocked clean backwards away from the frame to smack loud against the wall behind it. I didn’t even need to sit up to see who it was at the door. My brother was notoriously well known for barging in when he wasn’t wanted or least expected. Rolling to face the door, I raised a brow at the shadowed figure of my brother. His only features distinguishable through the shadow were his silvery-blue eyes, eyes that he shared with me.

“Jim, what did my door do to deserve you attacking it at-” Twisting my wrist to glance at the watch face attached to it I found myself groaning in annoyance. “Two in the morning.”

“I was just at the bar.”

“So?”

“So, you need to get up and come down stairs so we can talk. I have a lot that I need to say and I don’t want to do it with you half asleep and buried in blankets.” Rolling my eyes, I flipped back the blankets and slipped from the warm inviting bedding. Jim led the way down the stairs, his footsteps heavy footed and tense. Whatever had happened at the bar had to be something important for him to be so tense and somber.

My living room was a couple feet off the last step leading to the first floor, decorated with different plants and books and medical files that I was charged with studying after work to ensure that I would get my certification for M.D before I was thirty. Jim moved a couple old novels from the couch and sat with a loaded sigh, resting his head in his hands. The skin of my forehead drew tight, eyebrows nearly meeting. I had never seen my brother like this. Usually it was my job to act all tense and sad and uncertain.

“Jim, what’s going on? Why do you look like someone just told you mom died?”

“I ran into someone who knew about dad…” That was not even close to what I had been expecting. Mom made certain growing up than anyone who knew Dad, specifically those from Starfleet, stayed away from us. She didn’t want them around to influence us and our choices on the future. She wanted both her kids on earth not out exploring the galaxy, that was the best way to keep us here. No Starfleet friends of Dad ever came knocking.

“Okay… what did they say?”

“That dad would be disappointed in me, but what else is new. Everyone who's ever met dad has told me that. What got me was how he described us, our intelligence and…” His words faded out, uncertainty weighing down his shoulders. Whatever was going on or was said wasn’t sitting right with him. I didn’t like it, my brother was supposed to be strong and brave and certain at all points. He was cocky for a reason.

“And?”

“Admiral Pike said that we were wasting our potential or rather- I was wasting my potential, which was holding you back from reaching yours. That dad made a vow to the Confederation. That he went out saving our lives and that sacrifice should mean something.” Didn’t it? I thought. How did us living our lives, giving our mother peace of mind and making things better on earth not live up to the sacrifice our dad made. How did it make him less proud of us? Jim being a disappointment I could see but me? I was literally on the road to becoming a doctor. That was about as admirable as it gets.

“You don’t really believe that do you? I’m only a few years from being a Doctor. I’m working part time as a nurse right now to pay my way through medical school. You’re not holding me back by being an idiot Jim.” The faintest traces of a smile tugged at the corner of my brother’s lips but it was gone as quick as it came.

“I know that, but… You could be doing so much more Nell. I know the reason you stay here in Iowa is for me and mom, but mom’s got our asshole step-dad now and she’s got George. She doesn’t need you staying here to cater to her, you can go off and live your life. Both of us can… and I think the best way we do that is by joining Starfleet.”

“What?!”

“Think about it. There was a reason dad joined, it was a fluke accident that the Romulans attacked. I mean, that ship hasn’t been spotted in over twenty years, Nell. It’s as safe as it will ever be.” Sinking down into my maroon arm chair, I leveled a curious gaze at Jim.

“Jim, do you want to join Starfleet?”

“Honestly. When Pike first said something he issued it as a dare. Said I could make captain in six years. But the more I think about it, the more I want to. When I think about it though, you’re by my side. I remember your childhood dreams sis, the dreams you had before mom told you what happened to dad. I want that for you.” Sighing, I found my mind wandering to those dreams.

Dressed up all in blue, the science officer emblem on my chest. Phaser strapped to my thigh and a med kit clutched in one hand. Seeing the stars and testing new plants for medical properties. It would be a dream come true, but to get to Starfleet and work there required something I feared more than the dangers of space. Air travel, a fear born of an accident in my early childhood. The first time I had traveled without Jim or my mom or George or my step-father.

“How long do I have to decide?”

“Until eight am. Or you’ll have to wait another year.”

Sleep was fitful, dreams fighting with nightmares. Hopes fighting with fears. Even with the choice made and everything settled, every fear I had ever had was still there. Still prevalent as can be. The only thing keeping me from changing my mind on what I wanted was all my most important possessions packed into Jim’s bag. Insurance to make sure I didn’t change my mind last minute and run away. When the alarm sounded to wake me up I had barely slept a wink and was feeling more run down than when I clocked out the night before.

Dragging myself from bed I dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweater that used to belong to Jim. Everything looked different in the light of day, knowing that I wouldn’t be back to this apartment for a while. Doning my favorite worn leather jacket, I slipped on a pair of shoes and fled the place I’d called home for so long. Locking the door, I tucked the only key to the place under the doormat knowing mom would come and get it before too long.

Like agreed, Jim was parked by the road on his Motorcycle. His hair looked almost gold in the sunlight and I’m certain my own looked the same. No words were exchanged, instead I threw my leg over the bike and held on for dear life. The bike shot forward, speeding down the road taking us closer and closer to the start of a life I had all but deemed impossible. The wind blowing through my hair and tugging at my clothes was almost calming. A perfect way to ease the nerves before they shot up to space alongside me.

Starfleet recruitment takeoff wasn’t that far out of town, the last building barely fading out of view before the hulking construction sight for the next Star Ship came into focus. Weaving through workers and other Starfleet cadets my brother stopped the bike just feet from the shuttle. Suddenly my hands felt slick, sliding damp against the material of Jim’s own leather jacket. Climbing off first, I found my legs felt weak and weightless. The doubt was creeping in bad enough it took my brother nudging me past a man of graying hair to enter into the shuttle.

With Jim’s hand on my lower back we moved further and further into the shuttle, ignoring the jeers of two cadets who had clearly been involved in whatever happened last night. Jim just grinned and I decided it was none of my business. Near the back by the bathroom’s we found a set of seats, three total, completely open. I had to force myself to sit and strap in, clumsy sweaty hands struggling to get the belts in place.

No sooner had I buckled myself in did the distinct angry voice of a man echo off the metal of the shuttle.

     "Are you people deaf? I told you I don't need a doctor, dammit! I am a Doctor!" Pearing unceremoniously around the other cadets I found the source of the angry voice. A handsome albeit rugged looking man was being ushered from the bathrooms by an annoyed flight attendant. The look on both their faces said that neither wanted to be dealing with each other at that moment.

     "You need to find a seat."

     "I had one, in the bathroom Darlin' with no windows."

     "Sir, for your own safety, sit down or I will make you sit down... do you hear me?"

     "I suffer from Aviophobia, case you don't understand big words, it means 'fear of dying in something that flies.'"

     "Right NOW!" Clearly he wasn’t getting his way because he reluctantly settled into the seat beside me looking just as green as I felt. Aviophobia wasn’t a fun thing and it was even worse when two Aviophobics sat next to each other. The chances of me making it through this flight without vomiting was suddenly so much lower. Apparently he had sensed the same thing because he was giving me an appraising look, sizing me up. Probably wondering if I would be an issue if he needed to make a break for the bathroom.

     "I might throw up on you." I didn’t expect the weak laugh that came from me, or the flush that coated my cheeks. He was cute, but that should be the last thing on my mind right now.

     "If you do that you can guarantee I'll throw up on you." The man smiled a little.

     "I think these things are pretty safe for you two."

     "Don't pander to me kid: one tiny crack in the hull and our blood boils in thirteen seconds- solar flare might crop up, cook us in our seats- Hell, some of the damn passengers are blue. and wait'll your sitting pretty with a case of andorian shingles, see if you're still relaxed when your eyeballs are bleeding- space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence." Heartbeat skipped and then picked up to an unhealthy right, beating against my chest almost like a drumstick against a drum. The panicked look I was throwing Jim couldn’t be missed, thought it could be glared at apparently.

     "I hate to break this to you, but Starfleet operates in space."

     "Yeah, well my ex-wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce. I got nowhere to go but up. Got nothing left but my bones. Leonard McCoy." How would any woman want to get rid of a man this attractive? Offering a shaky smile, I forced myself to glance away from the nice way his beard set against his jaw and the warm coloring of his hazel eyes.

     "Jim Kirk and this is my twin sister Nell. Are you really gonna throw up?" I watched Leonard's face with mild concern and intrigue as he shrugged.

     "Maybe, though Nell looks more like she might." A small shaky laugh escaped my chest. This was going to be a loooong ride.

[thesconesyard]

One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Temporal Anomaly

Part 7

“How is he Bones?” Kirk asked. “Up to being debriefed?”

McCoy forced himself to focus back on the captain. Leo’s revelation that he was also McCoy and that he’d be married again someday had left his head spinning.

“I’d like the results on the blood test as confirmation first,” he told Kirk, “but the head injury is healed and there appears to be nothing else worth noting.”

“Your eyes are the wrong color, but they’re still Jim’s eyes,” Leo said after studying Kirk’s face. “Your hair is lighter as well. It suits you.”

“You look like I remember,” Kirk smiled. Mirth filled his eyes at the sudden confusion on Leo’s face. “The ambassador melded with me when we first met. I saw glimpses from your universe in his memories.”

“Ambassador?” Leo asked, obviously thinking. “Spock?!” he exclaimed. “Spock ended up here?”

“We have lots to talk about,” Kirk smiled. “If the doctor will release you…”

“Yes, he’s free to leave,” McCoy answered in a distracted voice.

“Care to join us, Bones?” Kirk called over his shoulder as he led Spock and Leo from medbay.

McCoy shook his head.

“We can compare notes later,” Leo grinned at him. “Doctor to doctor.”

With that they left. McCoy watched the door close behind them before he made his way to his office and sat heavily.

He was staring blankly at the wall in front of him when Christine walked in with a PADD.

“The results Leo,” she said, handing it over.

McCoy startled. “Don’t call me that!” He saw Christine’s eyebrow raise at him. “At least right now, please. Until this is all sorted out.”

Christine nodded sympathetically. She sat in front of the desk. “He’s you. It all checks out. His results are there next to your own from Starfleet’s records.”

McCoy scanned over the PADD.

“Are you alright?” Christine asked softly. “I can’t imagine how weird it must feel.”

“Don’t think it’s fully sunk in yet Chris,” McCoy said.

“Who is it you're going to marry?” Christine smirked.

McCoy looked up sharply.

“Is it me?” Christine said in an overly sweet voice. McCoy heard all his head nurse’s sarcasm.

McCoy made a rude hand gesture at her to Christine’s delight. She laughed.

“Is there even anyone you’re interested in?”

McCoy felt his face beginning to warm.

“No,” he answered her firmly.

“Ooo! A lie! Maybe Leo will tell me who it is,” Christine continued to laugh.

“Maybe he’ll tell me,” McCoy said. He could see what Christine was trying to do, distract him from the strangeness of the situation. He definitely appreciated her effort.

Christine stood. “I’ll let you look it over. I’m here if you need me.”

McCoy nodded and turned back to look at the data in front of him. Everything was a match. He blinked a few times and let out a sigh. Even though he knew it was entirely possible— Jim had met Spock from another universe after all— it was beyond strange to have it happen to himself. How had Spock felt when he met the older version of himself?

He huffed. Spock would never tell him. Trying to get details of feelings out of the Vulcan would be near impossible. Though, Spock had been becoming less uptight as they continued on their mission. Jim’s influence perhaps. They had been working closer and closer as a command team.

McCoy set the PADD on the desk. This was all becoming too much. He rubbed a hand over his face. A glance at the clock told him his shift was nearly over. What he could really use was a good meal and a stiff drink.

Shoving aside the PADD Christine had brought in, McCoy pulled his own closer and tapped out a quick message. Standing, he walked around the desk and left the office. Geoff was talking to Christine and he waved at both as he left medbay.

Down the corridors to the mess hall, he hoped Scotty would get his message and join him for a drink later. He needed a distraction to let his mind absorb everything and Scotty would likely be brimming over with everything they were learning from Leo’s ship. McCoy smiled briefly at the thought of Scotty’s enthusiasm.