#i normally don't pick that rude option about being good but wow

[justanotherignot]

devnote: Horny.

[finniestoncrane]

do you think you could you write "pretending to be a couple" with some various pining riddlers?

thank you kindly for fueling my batman villain addiction <333

Pretend Couple

Riddler x GN!Reader, five little ficlets all around 500 words each lmao thank YOU for enabling me you precious angel! i hope i got enough pining in for you! this is so good so i wrote one for each of my riddlers!! was that a lot?? maybe but i couldn't stop myself so enjoy a lot of lil ficlets ;-;💚 request info • prompt list • send me a request • kofi minors DNI!! 🔞 cw for nsfw stuff: kissing, groping, taking advantage, pet names

Arkham!Riddler: Visiting Hours

"I'm just very sick of Harvey getting visits constantly, when no one is here to see me, Edward Nigma! How is that possible? Even Crane has had people in to visit him!" Unimpressed with the somehow indestructible levels of narcissism that Ed displayed, you rolled your eyes and sighed. "Uh huh...so you thought 'I'll make up a pretend partner'?" "Yes...rather genius, isn't it?" He smirked at you, eyebrows raised, patiently awaiting your praise, which never came. "And you picked...me?" "Well, picked is a strong word. I was simply left with you when the other options declined." "Ok, goodbye, Ed!" You stood up, taking a few steps away. "Wait! I'm sorry. That was rude of me, my dear friend. Truth be told I've always had an idea that maybe we could have been more than pretend partners at some point." "I thought you were smart, Eddie?" You smirked at him, and he grinned back at you, ever the fan of the playful teasing you shared, bordering on flirting. "Truthfully, being inside is getting to me more than it usually does. You know me, I am, truthfully, the alpha in every situation, but recently I've felt rather...neglected." You sympathised with Ed's need for attention and affection. It couldn't be easy for him. You reached a hand out to hold his, placing your palm on top of the back of his and soothing him wtih your touch. "I don't want the others to think my prowess and skills end at the intellectual. I think you'll find that I am a deeply and versatilely skilled man physically too." "Gosh, Ed." You leaned in closer to him, aware that several other inmates were watching your interaction, resigning yourself to at least trying to be there for him. You spoke loudly, confidently, and with an air of playfulness about you. "I'll have to come back for conjugal then." Ed blushed, his cheeks turning crimson immediately before he managed to give you a crooked and embarrassed smile in return.

Dano!Riddler: Office Party

He looked apologetic from the moment he had shown up at your apartment to pick you up. You had counted eight times from that moment until now, when you were about to walk into the venue, that he had asked you if you were sure you didn't want to just go home. "You're just here to look normal so that I can look normal too. You don't have to do anything, nothing that makes you uncomfortable. And you don't need to talk to anyone either. And if you want to leave at any point just let me know because-" "Eddie, come on! We'll have a nice time. As far as we are concerned, we're just two friends having a nice time together. And, granted it was rather silly to tell them you had a long-term partner, I'm sure we'll pass well enough." You grabbed his arm and pulled him inside, several people turning to look at you both as you entered. "Wow...they really are surprised that you could convince someone to be with you." You whispered it into his ear, leaning onto him affectionately. "What is it you've done at this office to make them think that, and should I be concerned?" You teased him, pinching his side and making him crumple in on himself before heading to get drinks for you both at the bar table. Eddie watched you, trying to hide the longing in his eyes from you. There you were though, pretending to be his partner, garnering looks of approval and, he could swear it, jealousy from the co-workers who either ignored his existence or outright hated him for being in their presence. You were the only person he had ever come across who had been bold and willing enough to push past his cold, shy exterior. You had warmed him, and he had fallen hopelessly in love with you. Several people stood by you, and you had them all laughing. It never took you long to be the shining light of any room, and Eddie loved that about you. As he stared, trying to picture a world where someone like you might genuinely consider being with him, you caught his eye. Smiling and waving, motioning for him to join your new friends, you blew a little kiss at him too, his heart fluttering as though he could feel it physically reach him. And as he joined you, standing slightly behind you, proudly and silently, you took your hand in his and had him wishing he was brave enough to ask you on a date and feel this happy and normal permanently.

Gotham!Riddler: Bold and Brave

You noticed when he came into the library, you always did. Every time Ed was in, he always made a point of saying 'hello' and 'goodbye' to you, an awkward but oddly charming, and heart meltingly sweet, smile accompanying it. He was so tall and striking, exactly your type. And you were sure on more than once occasion that he was trying to ask you out. But he had stammered, nerves getting the better of him, and had left quickly. And your shy demeanour and inability to speak up for yourself was, to say the least, detrimental to your plans to finally ask him out and do the hard work yourself. After noting which aisle of books he was going down, you counted to one hundred and then got up to make your way down the adjacent aisle, hoping to just be near him. You could hear voices, and resisting the urge to shush them, you listened in. "So what are you doing in here, Nygma? You staring at the librarian again?" Just a half hour before he had arrived, several police officers had come in to take a look at the archive, which had been broken into an burgled the day before. They were standing before Ed, clumped in a group. "Just ask her out Nygma, we've all heard you talking about her. You too shy? Maybe you could tell her one of your dumb riddles, that might get her wet, you never know! She could be a freak just like you!" As much as their words were cruel, it was nice to know that Ed's infatuation with you burned as strongly as yours did for him. "How about I go ask her out? Show her what a real man feels like? Then you can take a turn at my scraps, huh Ed?" They were laughing, cruelly. Your stomach knotted at the idea of him experiencing any sort of humiliation and before you knew it you had rounded the corner and were walking into the aisle, approaching him from behind as the cops hushed their laughter and pointed at you. Their faces dropped though, as you walked in front of Ed, put your arms around his neck dramatically, and kissed him hard, only pulling away after what was likely thirty seconds but felt like a blissful eternity. "There you are, sweetheart! I was looking for you when you came in. You must have slipped by me." You turned to face the cops, who stood slack-jawed and irritated. "Imagine him, being so busy he forgot to come and say hi to his girlfriend!" Ed smiled wide, beaming as the officers walked past you both silently and into the archive to finish doing their job. Stammering, desperate to find the words to say to you, Ed stood open mouthed. Feeling a lot less nervous than you ever had before, you spoke up. "You could take me to dinner, Ed. As a thank you?" He nodded silently, writing down a time and place for you on a scrap of paper.

Capullo!Riddler: A Ruse

"So you tricked me? There's no party?" "Not exactly, no." "I don't know why I was so stupid? I mean why would you, famed sleazebag bachelor Eddie Nygma, need a pretend date for one of your stupid friend's parties?" "Maybe you wanted to believe the lie?" He smirked at you, the same smile that made you want to punch his lights out on an almost daily basis, if not hourly. You weren't even going to give him the satisfaction of reacting, turning away with your face neutral, only stopping when he grabbed your arm. "No no no no, wait, just wait!" You turned back to him, arms folded. "Well? I'm waiting." "I just didn't think-" "As usual!" You turned again, making it four steps closer to the door before he had rushed around you and was standing between you and the exit. "Let me finish. I didn't think you would come somewhere with me if there wasn't a reason to, unless you were getting something out of it." "Those three days of silence you promised are priceless." "See! Quid pro quo!" "So you bribed me, tried to get me to pretend to be your girlfriend, had me feeling sorry for you. Just to get me somewhere alone?" "Well, it's a date...isn't it?" "Not if I'm being given something to go on it!" "Erm...think of yourself as like my escort for the night." "Try again, Eddie." You went to walk past him, but he held your arms, looking down at you, a look of unnatural and unfamiliar sincerity crossing his brows. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just...think we might have fun. If you can push past this?" "Push past what? Everything about this whole situation and about you as a person?" "Yeah, seems easy enough." He smiled and you rolled your eyes back at him, caught off guard when he wrapped an arm around your back, pulling you in to kiss him. With your hands out by your side, the started moving up in a bid to push him back, but instead you found your palms lightly landing on his suit jacket lapels, clinging to them and using them to pull him closer to you, deepening the kiss. When neither of you could breathe you both stepped back, tiny gasps passing between you. "Ha. I knew you liked me!" "You owe me four days of silence now." "Hmm...what can I get for a week?"

YoungJustice!Riddler: Family Issues

He stopped, knuckles raised at the front door, pausing to turn to you. "Ok, this will be fine right?" "Boy, your family really did a number on you, huh?" He let out a tiny laugh, trying to mask the terror in his voice, but the squeaking gave it away. “Look, it’s fine!” You took his arm in yours, smiling at him and nodding slowly, waiting till he started nodding with you before slapping his arm with your free hand. “I’ll be a great pretend girlfriend, no awkward questions about why you don’t have one yet, and then the only thing they can get on at you for is-” “-is the million other disappointments I bring to them, right.” “Right. Great!” Once inside, his mood was no better. There was a tense smile plastered onto his face, far too much of a grimace to pass as anything else, but either his family didn’t notice or they chose to ignore it. Every passive aggressive comment was met by your perpetually upbeat praise for him, and they commented on everything from the mundane to the deeply personal. “Eddie’s intelligence goes far beyond just science and maths.” “He makes an amazing eggplant parm.” “On the weekends we volunteer together!” “So far, he’s successfully executed five plans, with no help at all from me.” “I love his tooth gap, I think it’s cute.” “The colour green really suits him though, don’t you think?” “He’s so thoughtful, just yesterday he gave me this necklace!” Everything they hit him with, you were there to step in when he stuttered over his anxiety, stress at being questioned for every life choice he made rendering him almost speechless. After an intense hour, your sympathy for Eddie only increasing immensely by the minute, you were seated for dinner. The conversation all but mellowed out after the solid hour of deeply hurtful comments that you had batted back with such effort it truly felt like you were physically hurling them back across the coffee table at the kind of judgemental people who could raise someone so emotionally troubled as Eddie. You were allowed to think it, he was your best friend. His flaws were what you liked about him, they weren’t something to nitpick at or criticise. He was who he was. And as though he could sense that you were thinking about him, and the ordeal he’d already been through so far today, Eddie’s hand dropped below the table, nudging against yours. Without looking his way, not wanting to make a scene, you grabbed onto it firmly, squeezing it three times in quick succession. While his family were busy complaining about the way the soup tasted, he leaned to the side gently and whispered to you. “Thank you. Really.” You turned to him, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “You owe me.” You smiled and winked, turning back to your bowl as he blushed into the glass he took a drink from, gulping heavily.

[theinkstainsblog]

hey are you like,,,, a doctor bc if not then the fact that you diagnosed yourself means almost nothing? just asking bc you should probably go to a professional and get some help (if you don't want help then what's the point of even diagnosing yourself? makes no sense at all)

Oooookay wow there is a lot to unpack here.

I’ve actually spoken before on this blog and my side blogs about why I believe I have an anxiety disorder. I’ll do it again with some bullet points for you now but you really ought to know that this is an incredibly personal topic and it’s pretty fucking inappropriate for you to come in so rudely with this. I’m honestly happy to answer any questions people have about my mental health because visibility is important and that’s why I’m answering this even though you’ve kind of pissed me off with the way you asked. Just don’t expect me to be polite about it (like I would be if you’d asked nicely).

It’s pretty clear to anyone that knows me that my mental health is not good. I have panic attacks. I often don’t sleep. Sometimes I get so anxious I can’t go to class because the thought is terrifying to me. For a period I was self-harming, I still have intrusive thoughts about that even though I’ve been clean for a long while. 

When I say that I’m getting anxious about stuff I don’t mean “getting a bit anxious before a test or a presentation” because everybody gets those feelings. I mean having that panicky, heart thudding, hands sweating, want to cry, can’t breathe anxious feeling about twenty times a day every single day and when I’m not feeling that I’m feeling a heavyweight of dread in my chest about the next thing. 

For example, this morning that meant that I was panicking about going to my lecture because I haven’t been in a few days (that in itself is because I’m an anxious loop where I’ve convinced myself that I don’t belong at uni, I don’t deserve it and that everyone can tell I’m an idiot who’s here by mistake). I was anxious that someone would call me out on it, I was anxious that there was work I’d missed that I’d need for today, I was worried everyone would stare at me because they know I’m stupid, I was worried that for some reason I’d have to give a presentation I’m not prepared for. Then I got anxious about whether or not to wear a jacket - what if it’s too cold and I don’t? What if it’s too hot and I do and then people think I’m dumb because it’s not jacket weather? What if I need it for outside but then I have to take it off when I get there? What if I get caught in the arm and everyone notices and it takes me ages to get it off and they’re all judging me? What if while I’m struggling I knock something off the desk and draw attention to myself? What if, what if, what if. My whole day goes like that. I have to go through a list of a hundred questions for every tiny decision that I make - decisions that others can make in two seconds. I’m sure you can imagine how that gets pretty exhausting pretty quickly. 

It’s not like I just decided “oh that means I have generalised anxiety disorder then” one day either. I spent weeks looking into it (and no, that doesn’t mean the same as a doctor diagnosis and I could be wrong about it - although doctors are wrong quite often too so…). At first, I thought I had social anxiety because a lot of things that set off my anxiety are to do with worrying how other people are seeing me. When I looked that up though, it didn’t fit me. So I knew it wasn’t that. Then I see GAD so I looked into it and it was a eureka moment. Not only were all the things I knew to be true about my experience with anxiety on there, but so was a whole bunch of other stuff that I kind of thought was just me being weird (like sleeping for longer than a normal person - like 12 hours sometimes - and still being exhausted all the time). 

So with that in mind, it seems pretty damn likely to me that I have GAD. However, I still mention in my bio that its self-diagnosed not because I think I’m an expert but for the exact opposite - I am not an expert and people should know when I talk about my mental health that I don’t have an official diagnosis and that I am not speaking as an expert. I just wanna talk about it and help people out if I can. 

Also, anxiety runs in my family. My aunt and mum both struggle with anxiety. My mum has therapy every week. GAD can run in families or it can be caused by an abusive childhood. I didn’t have an abusive childhood but my mum did and a lot of my anxious behaviours and thoughts I’ve picked up from her. 

I’ve actually talked to my mum about this an awful lot. She’s not a doctor either - she is a senior nurse who’s been working for nearly thirty years though if that helps. And yeah she is biased because I’m her daughter so she can’t properly diagnose me, but she’s also a nurse so you know, she’s seen it all before and never ever makes a fuss if there isn’t a need. 

And yeah, I do want help with managing it. I’m getting some - I practice self-compassion workshops online which if you do them enough teach you to be aware of your body and feelings and get you to either let the anxious thoughts out like catharsis if that’s what you need, or other workshops that teach you how to head off an anxious thought before you get in that loop. But now that I’m at uni I’m also exploring options to get some counselling. And potentially a proper diagnosis. 

So yeah anon, I’m not a doctor. But I know myself a hell of a lot better than you do and I know this sure as fuck isn’t neurotypical because when I talk about it with people who aren’t anxious, they look at me like I’m mad. Now in future, bear in mind that this might be hard for people to talk about and also that it affects you precisely zero percent, so butt out and stop being ableist, Jesus.

Peace!

[vespidolive]

How say "no" to toxic friends if I have no others? They still want something from me and very often I don't wanna do that, but if I say no, they say that I am very rude. Sometimes it can be true, but I don't want to change myself because of that what they are saying. I am just veryyy honest and direct. Aren't that virtues? But people say this is unkind.

Okay with toxic friends guilt is their best weapon. They like to make you feel bad when you say “no” even if you have good reason for it, especially if its for a good reason. It is not rude to refuse to give people what they want. 

Wow, this got long. More under the cut!

Let me tell you a story: My sister and her boyfriend visited us for the holidays along with their giant 1 year old dog who was still acting like a puppy. 

Now the boyfriend drove them 5 hours to where I live and (as expected) he was tired. He also needed to get some Christmas shopping done and I was going to help him, since he didn’t really know what to get for my other family members that were staying with me. Wanted to make a good impression and all that. My sister wanted to see her friends who lived about 30 minutes away and wanted to bring their giant puppy. 

This is where things get toxic. She wanted to have everyone (including the dog) pile into my tiny two door car. She was barking orders for me to get the dog’s blankets so he would be comfortable in my car and told me to get my keys etc. Unfortunately for her, I told her no. My car is too tiny, the dog is already comfortable riding in their car, and it would be too much of a hassle to get a GIANT DOG into my car in the first place. It would be easier using their car due to it having more space and it had four doors. Sounds reasonable right?

Well when I refused to use my car and backed up my reasons behind it, my sister had a fit and pulled the “It’s rude for the host to make her guests drive! Do you know we drove 5 hours to get here! You are so rude!” card and attempted to lecture me on good and proper host etiquette. 

Now her boyfriend had no problem with it and even agreed to use their car as opposed to mine. He may have been tired but even he could see she was being unreasonable. 

We ended up using their car and despite my sister’s obsession to teach me how to be “proper”, the boyfriend got his Christmas shopping done and we had a good time. 

Now as for being honest and direct, in general these are virtues. However, some people are a bit sensitive. Some can’t take criticism for shit and accuse you of being rude, others have their self esteem so low it’s residing in the void. My mom always said there’s a time and a place to be blunt (aka honest and direct without considering others feelings) and a time to hold your tongue (aka console the person and tell them what they want to hear so they feel better). Honestly, I still have this problem from time to time. It’s one of those Unwritten Social Rules™ that don’t make much sense. 

Here’s how I got around it: If someone asks your opinion on something and you KNOW they won’t like it ask them a simple question back. “Do you want me to be nice, or honest?”. If they say “nice” lie your ass off and say the complete opposite of your opinion. Use an annoying voice too. That will really tip them off that your not being truthful. If they say “honest” tell them the truth in your normal voice.

Most of the time people will respond with the question with “Can I have both? :)”. Tell them no. “Why not? :) ” “I’m either nice or honest. I can’t be both. Now, do you want me to be nice or honest?”

The question allows you to be up front and give your friends an option on what kind of response they want. Do they want the “nice” response where you lie to them and give them what’s socially appropriate? Or do they want the “honest” response where you tell them how you really feel. Their answer says more about them then you. If they try to get “both” and whine when you refuse to give both then that really tells you what kind of people they are. They want it both ways and can’t handle to knowledge that you don’t agree with them (honest) or that they knowingly picked for you to lie to them (nice). 

Unwritten Social Rules™ say that people don’t like being lied too, but they also say that if people like it LESS if they CHOOSE for you to lie to them. Normal people don’t like thinking bad about themselves. They don’t like looking at their flaws. Putting them in a situation where they can have a CRYSTAL CLEAR look at their flaws can be used in your favor. 

I’ve been lucky where when I’ve had to ask this question, other then “Can I have both? :)” I’ve mainly gotten the answer “Honest.” Those that pick “Honest.” really do want your thoughts and aren’t gonna burst into tears/rage if they disagree. Those that pick “Nice.” are more concerned with their ego then your opinion. Those that try to get “both” don’t wanna see how fragile their pride is. They want “nice” but it’s more socially appropriate if they say “honest”. 

So here’s how it goes:

Friend: “What do you think about XXX?”

You: “Do you want me to be nice or honest?”

Friend: “Nice.”

You: -using deliberately annoying voice while lying- “OMG!!!! I think that’s the best thing EVAR!!!!!” 

Conclusion: Friend has to live with themselves that they can’t handle your honest opinion. They may also feel creeped out by your “Nice” opinion. Will regret not picking “honest”. They may also feel frustrated with themselves if they are not sociopaths.

Friend: “What do you think about XXX?”

You: “Do you want me to be nice or honest?”

Friend: “Honest.”

You: “I don’t like it. It’s awful and -insert rest of opinion here-”

Conclusion: Friend finds out how you feel about subject. They will take your feelings into consideration and may talk to you more about it later. Or may not. Either way friend does care about you.

Friend: “What do you think about XXX?”

You: “Do you want me to be nice or honest?”

Friend: “Can I have both?”

You: “No.”

Friend: “Why not?”

You: “I’m either nice or honest. I can’t be both. Now, do you want me to be nice or honest?”

-friend goes on a rant-

You: -not showing any emotion, shrugs- “That’s not my problem.”

Alternatively:

-friend goes on a rant-

You: -visibly tearing up or upset, shake head- “I am so disappointed in you.” 

Friend: “Why?”

You: “I thought you were better then this. Obviously, I was wrong.”

-If possible, you walk away from friend.-

Conclusion: Friend want to have it both ways but can’t. They want “nice” but it’s more socially appropriate if they say “honest”. The resulting rant makes them look bad in public. You find out their true nature. Friendship may or may not continue due to selfish friend’s outburst. Disappointing you may or may not make them feel ashamed.

The rant mentioned will most likely involve alot of guilt trips. Don’t feel bad. Stand your ground and when their ranting is over don’t give them anything. If you do get upset, let them know how bad they disappointed you. Nothing makes a person feel worse then disappointing someone. 

Either way, you get a measure of their character. If they are more willing to have you tell them what they want to hear or throw a tantrum when you won’t give them both, they may not be the best people to be around. If they have the balls to listen to your honest opinion, they are worth your time. 

I hope this helps! I know it’s long, but believe me, this has saved me some time when dealing with people.