#i really wish i could kill myself
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#kawaragi momoka#girls band cry#garukura#WHAT IF I KILLED MYSELF#based off the opening scene in ep 8#guys i get so so sad. she looked so happy#she really believed in her dream#MAKES THE FALL MORE PAINFUL YOU LNOW#(BUT YOUR DREAMS HAVENT DIED YET!!!!)#edit: i wish i could get the gradient darker at the top#but then i wouldnt have good contrast with the border at the top#and also this paper wasnt made for handling heavy washes of water ahaha#anyways i really like how it looks irl…! its a little smoother… i had to up the saturation to get the ink to look as vibrant as irl#(the blue is soo pretty… im glad i still had a nice amount in the tiny 10ml bottle 😭)#(its herbin blue calanque btw… if ur into fountain pen inks and stuff)
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truly continually obsessed by the dynamic of dream "who could stand an eternity of this" of the endless and hob "i'll fight death behind the denny's for one more day of life" gadling, never fails to make me go AHHHHHHHHH
#hob will really lose his wife and two children and still be like 'i still want to see the new chimneys tho'#and dream will face one minor inconvenience and be like i wish i was mortal so i could kill myself#i'm exaggerating but YOU KNOW#IT'S THE DYNAMIC#AHHH#dreamling#the sandman
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google search how does one un-fp their fp
#beautiful princess disorder#the struggle is unfortunately so very real#thing is i cant talk about this without peoole being like ooh heheh thats a crush#LIKE NO IT FUCKING ISNT IM A CAPITAL L LESBOOOOOOO#this doesnt really make much sense sorry im sore tired and tttweakinggggg.#i wish i could. unattach myself. because its so hard giving So much more of a fuck ykwim like bro dgaf ive been leftnon read for an hour#speaking of which that isnmaking me violently andgy like Stop STOP IMMGOING TO KILL UOY WITH MYOWN YWO HANDS#whos scared of double texting? me but i do it anyway because im pathetic like that#please answer me boy i miss you#worked up like this ovee an american is nasty work
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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save our daughters. i just can't anymore with the news. oh god i wish i was young.
#kolkata#rape/noncon#my friend (who is a man) just told me that she was held down by other females while she was being raped. i just want to kill myself#i wish i could protest and go to kolkata#protests are happening in Bangladesh but not in ctg#i just can't man#I really just can't do it anymore#but hey modi said happy independence#what's the point of independence?
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Me, when Sebastian joins my party for the first time: Okay, this time I'm not going to forget about you, Sebastian. I'm going to make an effort to use you a lot this playthrough so I can better understand you.
Also me, immediately forgetting about Sebastian while finishing Act 2 and making it halfway through Act 3 before I finally notice his Faith quest: ......................Oh. Right. My bad.
#da2#dragon age 2#sebastian vael#listen in my defense..........i don't like bringing sebastian anywhere sksksks#okay look i seriously tried but every time i bring him somewhere i always think man i wish i had brought someone else#and also i do just forget about him! i finally added him to my party at one point and he had 24 points to spend...#that's how long i neglected him after i promised myself i was gonna use him more and then i didn't#it's not that i don't like sebastian as a character though i do tend to side eye him A LOT... it's just that i like everyone else more#even aveline like i'd take aveline over sebastian any day and that's saying something... or is it? i have a lot of feelings about aveline#whereas my feelings about sebastian could maybe fill a thimble...it doesn't help that in my canon run as a mage hawke#i romance anders and well... sebastian wants me to kill anders and my hawke is like 'do i approve of blowing up the chantry? complicated.'#'am i breaking up with anders for this? absolutely. do i still love him? mmhmmm. am i going to kill him sebby? i'd sooner set varric aflame#then sebastian threatens to bring an army to kirkwall and leaves so i can't say i have the greatest opinion on him#even the time where i did kill anders and he stayed in my party he was just... there#and then he glitched out and started t posing while asking if ed ever found out what anders wanted to do in the chantry so..... yeah#but even this playthrough where i'm playing as a lady warrior with a different personality and everything... i'd just rather use anyone els#also keep him away from bethany i do not approve sksksks she's too good for him#i want to understand and see the different angles of him like with the other companions but i've yet to convince myself to do it#also sebastian romancers out there can you like... explain? genuinely can you explain the appeal? i'm curious#because of all the love interests in da2 i look at sebastian and you'd think i'd maybe be more interested? but it's like...#i know about the chaste marriage and everything like that's fine i don't need sex to be a thing in the relationship but it feels less like#an asexual romance and more like... y'know... being with a priest and i guess that's just not one of my kinks? sksksks#i guess there's also the prince angle but i romanced alistair in dao and kept him a grey warden i don't really care about royalty power#and i don't have issues with him being a part of the chantry [well i do but yknow what i mean] since i romanced cullen in dai#and his whole deal with the chantry and magic and shit makes his romance interesting to me but sebastian is just.... a bit too much i think#i don't know i'd like to understand because i really don't but i also keep forgetting about him
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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When I say bones has ocd I think of him as like a very high functioning dissociative who can do all his surgical procedures with a calm that cannot be taught and the steadiest hand uve ever seen and then 15-20 mins after clocking out completely falls apart at the seams because this job is in competition with the wiring of his brain but he does it anyway because he can't bear to see people suffer when he has the ability to help I see him as someone who could barely look at a diagram of the human body in school without passing out because every time he did he'd remember that's what his insides look like and those pictures would grow and mutate in his head until he could feel them, he's someone who can do his job well because he's spent his entire life managing those visions and mental distancing is an art he's mastered entirely and he can open people up because he sees opened up people all the time anyway. He sees them everywhere. It's just life
#ocd bones#leonard bones mccoy#this is how i wish i could be#i wish seeing insides everywhere all the time would be enough to numb u to them but nah u really gotta work at it#and i have! i used to not be able to look at my own skin without seeing things#but i tattoed myself last year!!!#so things do get better#i cant be a doctor tho lmao#idk just a nice thought that someone could#like hes just so good at living with himself that hes thrown himself into the same environment that his brain was killing him with#ultimate form of exposure therapy just become a surgeon fhskdhfj
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Yknow how people say having to live with your parents forever as a disabled adult gives you poison damage? Yeah.
#i just want to walk to the bathroom or get some goddamn food without hearing conservative men yell at a crying liberal about abortion#i dont want to hear about one 'victim of war' who was an eleven year old getting graphically raped in front of their parents.#back home that happened in front of parents and the parents got off to it.#and conservatives love to milk the tragedy of rape while having no sensitivity towards actual sa survivors.#like stop fucking talking about it to further your political agenda. youre desensitizing ppl and making them Not Care. youre getting nowhere#sometimes i wish i could just tell my family 'hey i was raped and bullied so bad by my doctors last year that now seeing that stuff really-#-upsets me.'#but they would probably a)not believe me and b)tell me its something i have to overcome so they can keep watching their shows.#i wish i could kill myself just temporarily to prove a point.#i wish literally anyone cared about what happened to me. i wish manipulating ppl via self harm actually worked.
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~ ~ ~
#I hate who I am when I start missing human contact and feeling lonely#I start missing someone who was awful to me simply because they were reliable in talking to me every day and at least sort of my friend#I start craving the connections that you see in media even though I know those types aren’t real#it seems like everyone else has more people and better people and closer people in their lives than me#it seems like everyone has best friends and partners that are closer to them and better for them#and idk it just feels like things are missing from my life#I have a partner but I can’t always talk to them when I need to because they can’t always handle a conversation#I have a best friend but he barely ever answers my calls and things feel distant between us lately#I have other friends but they’re not the kinds that I feel I could turn to for help when I’m lonely like this#I have my parents but neither of them are very good at comfort in these situations#and I just want to cry because I feel so completely by myself and I don’t know what to do anymore#I just want someone to talk to and who will listen to me when I need help and advice and be there for me#I’m starting to really miss the wrong people again even though I know I’m better without them in my life#but at least I could send them anything and get a response fairly soon when I needed to#at least for a while they were very close to me and i think that’s what I really miss most of all#just the closeness of another person since I don’t always feel that with other relationships these days#it’s times like these I wish I’d just killed myself at 16 so I wouldn’t have to keep dealing with this over and over forever#it’s times like these I wanna fade away#if I’m going to be alone anyway then why bother keeping others around at all? why not just break off and go be a hermit somewhere else?#but I can’t do that because I have too many responsibilities that I need to take care of#idk maybe I should just kill myself and get it over with#pretty sure I wasn’t supposed to make it this long in the first place#I mean I’m being facetious cause I’m not overly suicidal and I’m not actually going to do anything#just kinda wish I could in a weird sort of way#like missing the feeling of a blade slicing my skin since I stopped cutting a long time ago#just want more out of my relationships and from myself and from my life and idk how to get any of that#personal
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want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#actually i dont mean bald i just mean all one guard length#but hhhhh maybe i'm in an awkard stage maybe not i just CANNOT live like this#middle part is frustrating because it's not perfect in the way it sits side part is frustrating because i look like a girl#i feel like i could go all in with the 4 and then sorta texture a bit with the 2 guard HOWEVER having used the 4 previously. i know#how short that is. it might not look good so i worry#the bright side is it would grow out a bit by the time of the parade but augh i hate this#i'm currently a tightly wound ball of rage sorry. i didn't eat much of anything 2day#tried to call the hospital to get help with the letter/consulation thing preceding top surgery and they were NOT OPEN so idk if they will#be open tomorrow or not. the passage of time has gotten very vague all of a sudden#iiiiiii do not think i am doing well. lol. idk why though! god forbid any of it have a reason#i almost wish i'd relapse just so i could like. eat food again#idk i don't think it would solve it but i feel in my heart it might make things easier#buuuut because relapse is Bad For Me i guess i have to avoid it. well i want to anyways.#one bad day would not a reset make but my previous day happened this year already so...#i dunno it's been so long that i feel like it's not valid or whatever cause it was at an age where i can say it was a 'phase'#.............. i dunno what to do with that information. anyways.#i mean so what if i went all in on it again anyways? i kinda miss it lol. it's not like i could do any serious harm??#(potential infections aside.)#i just want to be creative and i CANT because my stupid brain will NOT think of anything#and the majority of what i have concretely written of this was written... get this .... right when i was trying to stay clean at first#correlation does not equal causation ........ sighs#i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle because i WANT IT to be that bad again#i've never really regretted it & it's never really been because of anything#i just started because i was curious about why someone would do that. that's all#i dont think i've EVER had any of the mental distress i see people in when theyre in these spaces#in one journal entry i made this big deal about wanting to kill myself but *i didn't want to*. i never did.#like sorry old me but it is REALLY hard to believe i've ever been depressed depressed#i just want things to be better and they never are :/ this should be everything i wanted and its just ... not#i'm not really sure how to ....... oh tag limit ok hold on
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*starts listening to the thg playlist*
augh -1 health
oof -1 health
ugh! -1 health
mmf -1 health
ugh! -1 health
augh -1 health
etc
GOOD that’s the effect i wanted >:)
#i wish so badly that i could annotate it. when will my husband (8tracks annotations) come back from the war#i made a rule that i was not allowed to take any songs from the soundtracks#until it was all finished and then i can pepper the best ones in sparingly#(abraham’s daughter & gale song & everybody wants to rule the world r going on there for sure)#i wanted to make myself get really creative without the crutch of the soundtracks although they r bangers#like we HAVE to start with the woods by daughter because it’s about sisters.#and if you forget that the hunger games is a story about a girl who loves her sister you have lost the plot#o children by nick cave is about children killing and being cleaned up and shipped off on a train. like ok#eat your young is self explanatory#so is kill our way to heaven (really digs into the mentality of a tribute imo)#glory and gore is on there because i genuinely thought lorde made that song for the movie#die first? well that’s katpee to a T (people who call them everlark u are boring and people who call them peeniss that’s too much for me)#(i think katpee is the funniest ship name ever so i’m using it)#who are you really is like who are you. really. but also i have nothing left to lose / see me bare my teeth for you !!!!!!!!#GOSSIP BY MÅNESKIN. FINNICK SONG. SIP THE GOSSIP DRINK TILL YOU CHOKE.#17 by ladytron :| also a finnick song perhaps :| but works for the other victors also :| they only want you when you’re 17 :|#AND THEN FEED THE MACHINE IS SO MUCH FUN RAAAAAAAAA WTF IS A LABOR UNION HEY (HEY) YOU (YOU) FEED THE MACHINE#if you only listen to one song on the playlist is should be that one because its just such a banger#wires by the neighborhood is like help me kill the president we’re gonna send him straight to hell (and it rules)#and then feel something by jaymes young is about a young person who is emotionally damaged beyond repair 🙃 had to end it on that one
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yk i genuinely don't think ive ever been able to actually express my gender dysphoria out loud to another person cos with my family they'll get uncomfortable or think im somehow bragging bc i have the misfortune of a hyperfeminine body, with therapists im always trying not to say smth that makes me sound too self hating to get letters written, and with other trans people i don't want to upset them. idk writing it down just feels like im cataloguing everything that's wrong with me but I don't think ill ever have anyone i can talk to about it either
#i guess i got lucky in some ways with PCOS and my face is androgynous#but just even besides my weight my body type itself is just. not doing me any favors when it comes to passing#maybe if i was skinny i could deal with it or fat with an otherwise masculine body but both just feels very insurmountable#like ive just never seen a cis man that looks anything like me even guys that r the same weight#hell even trans men never look like me#idk maybe t will help with it longterm and at the end of the day it is what it is. like i don't have to like my body to be kind to myself#been considering lipo with top surgery too bc i just#i don't even have the typical pcos body type that is a little more masculine#like ugh. realistically ik i always cover myself head to toe anyways and that nobody is rlly looking that hard#in most photos if im dressed well i just look like a guy with wide hips. most strangers who've seen photos of me#assumed i was cis esp with clothes that diminish the hips#but i wish i could look at myself naked and not be utterly disgusted and alienated at almost all my features is all#ik itll get better with top surgery and i do have things i like like my shoulders and calves#but man just. i know i am not the first to express this but being a 5'3 fat man with an hourglass figure is not fun!#they literally do not make mens pants in my size 😭 at least not ones i can go try on in a store#i would just really like to kill the transphobe in my head mostly. or at least show his ugly ass to somebody else.
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ohhhb venting...
#its getting bad again!#and i don't know how to talk about any of it#my brains main thoughts throughout the day are 'im going to fucking throw up' and 'i should kill myself'#the anxiety has been giving me legitimate chest pains lately (i think its the anxiety)#and i cant lie down to sleep without my brain going all ballistic and self deprecating#i relapsed sh again and i fucking hate it because i was almost a year clean#it got so bad my brother dmed me asking if im okay#i have to be positiveee this is a manic depressive episodeee i wont do anything permanent#i feel like im gonna throw up. and kill myself. i wont. but oh my fucking god i thought i was over this#i dont know what to tell my brother like do i admit im fucking losing my mind or do i try and keep it palatable.#like 'yeah ive been uhh convincing myself not to walk into the street on the way home wbu'#what even is there to say#i feel like im too much for what im worth#people care about me and it only makes their lives harder#people have problems and theyre all my fault#i wish i could just not exist. even if for a short period pf time#i feel like im bringing more stress and anger into this world than the good things that come of me#i feel like everyone that gives me a chance is going to end up hating me#i feel like everyone that loves me will only see who i really am and end up resenting me#i feel like i cant breathe without ruining something good for someone#im sorry#i dont think ill ever feel like im truly doing okay
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I hate being probably schizophrenic I really hate it here
#I wish my life was better#like. this year has shown me why most of us try to kill our selves for real#and like I’m not allowed to do that so I’m not going to but#having a brain that doesn’t work like everyone else you know or even everyone else on the damn planet is so isolating#on top of catatonic episodes that have been getting worse and worse for me where I can’t communicate except to agree to stuff#if I didn’t have such good friends I think I’d be dead on the side of the road somewhere rn and I’m so grateful for them#just wish I could like. actually communicate in ways that make sense#I feel bad that I frustrate people with decisions I make because they make sense to me but no anyone else#idk…#I think I really should be living in a community or something but there’s no freedom in that and I don’t want to give up my freedom yet#sitting in my works parking lot trying to make myself go in and not waste my gas lol
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