#i remade the blog good job me

[datura-tea]

holy shit this year marks 10 years of this blog and moz!! i can't remember the exact date i started posting here - my archive says i have one post from november 2013 but let's disregard that - but i do remember it was around late 2014/early 2015 :)

^ one of the very first moz art pieces i ever drew, for fallout week 2015!!

memories and art through the years under a read more bc it got long

2014 → baby's first rpg!! i started playing fnv on my cousin's jailbroken xbox late 2013 and finished mid 2014 and i loved every minute of it. i remember waking up at 8am and playing almost nonstop until 2am the next day haha!

i didn't play moz on my first playthrough - but i did start creating a character that would eventually become her: a shorthaired ex-boxer who punched her way through obstacles when diplomacy failed. i remember she spent a lot of time with boone. i liked him then, because he saved my ass more times than i can count. but i digress. this is draft 1 moz essentially

2015 → this is the year that i was doing my thesis so i could graduate but i was so depressed and stressed about it that i distracted myself by replaying fnv on pc, where i played through the dlcs for the first time. i fell in love with the dlcs' oversarching story; particularly ulysses, who i became obssessed with, especially since i couldn't find any content of him at the time. in the game, i played as moz; i had most of her personality and choices down, but her backstory was still up in the air.

fun fact: this was an existing sideblog that i remade to be a fallout blog so i could look for ulysses content, and when i couldn't find any, i made some myself, featuring moz as my main courier six. originally, i didn't ship them, but eventually i ended the year as a courier/ulysses otp shipper.

this was the year i started drawing digitally - my uncle let me borrow a drawing tablet and i used an old copy of photoshop i pirated hehe

2016 → i graduated this year!! and promptly fell deeper into my depression. this was the year that it got so bad that i had to be medicated. through it all, this blog and moz and ulysses and my fandom friends were with me. and for that i am truly grateful :) this was the year i figured out how to lock transparent pixels so that i could color my lineart lol

2017 → i started hammering out moz's backstory this year i think. there's a lot of sketches of her and her family in my files. i experimented with shading and backgrounds here but that experimentation was pretty short-lived

2018 → i started using references seriously!!!! i did a lot of oc on oc kissing this year, featuring mostly moz and many friend ocs haha

2019 → didn't draw much this year. actually this year was a blur and i can't remember much from it except from it being the year of my terrible no good bad copywriting jobs... anyway i did manage to continue my courier/ulysses brainrot and make this piece, which i'm still proud of

2020 → pandemic time. i spent a lot of time asleep at home and i think this was also the year i started doing commissions?? shoutout to anyone who has ever commissioned me - thank you so much, i truly appreciate it!!

2021 → i switched from my old-ass pirated photoshop to clip studio paint and never looked back. also i did a bunch of commissions for my grandmother's surgery, which failed, and i distracted myself from the sadness by drawing my ocs over and over and playing disco elysium

2022 → by this year, i've got moz down pat and have started vaguely developing other ocs instead. but she's still always at the back of my mind

2023 → i bought new brushes from true grit texture supply and immediately found new favorites that i started using for everything. i tentatively started incorporating background elements in some pieces!

2024 → while it's still too early to say where this year will lead me art-wise, i will say that i started experimenting in realistic paint studio (which i bought in 2021, the same time as clip studio paint) a few days ago and i'm liking the results so far. we'll see!

all in all, these last 10 years have been quite a ride, but i'm glad i stuck around and i'm glad you guys stuck around too!! much much love 💖💖💖

[foxglovefaun]

i remade my blog recently (relatively!!), and im genuinely so fucking happy i found your art your blog and ocs again thru the booping; i first discovered you via that pride art back in 2023 and i genuinely felt so much comfort with that piece!!! ok that is all, i have nothing much to say except that i love your art, and i think you've improved since!! :3

omg!! that's so good to hear! it's so easy to get lost in this version of the web, so it's kind of amazing that something as chaotic as the Boops brought me to you again hahaha It makes me so happy that piece was comforting to you. ;0; I wanted nothing more than to just hug everyone but i am but one guy, so an art was the closest second i could get. <3 It's so good to know it was doing its job. I'm not sure what I'll do this year, but im excited to find out!

thank you so much for reaching out to say so ;w; It truly means a lot to me. I hope you have a great rest of your week and that comfort finds you wherever you go <3 (attaching thePride 2023 piece too for those who havent seen it)

[donnerpartyofone]

I'm on your Tumblr because we used to be mutuals, but I'm more of a lurker these days and I've remade several times under different handles and understand exasperation/hesitation at refollowing. I'm sincerely not trying to bait anything here, it's just that I've been depressed for the majority of 2024, and I think a really bad habit I've fallen into is not expressing gratitude to those who have a genuine impact on me. I'm sorry if this is uncanny and too parasocial. I have always admired how incredibly self-possessed and well-spoken/read/watched/cultured you are. I get an older sibling vibe from you that I never had growing up. You are one of the smarter people in the room for me. Sorry I'm sending this on anon, you don't have to publish it, in fact I hope you don't! I think you're one of the best blogs on this site and many things you have posted/blogged about have caused me to dig deeper within myself. In recent times, I appreciate that you force a situationally depressed individual (me) to challenge themselves for the better, if that makes sense. I'm sorry if this is disturbing!

[posted with permission] Man I have not been able to wake up all day for some reason and I owe some writing tomorrow, so this is actually a really helpful warmup exercise to try to get myself moving/thinking. I really appreciate this. I think your idea about expressing gratitude is really important and it's something I've been trying to do also, though maybe in a broader sense, like if I see a really inspiring movie (or whatever) I try to follow the impulse to write to the filmmaker and tell them. In my mind there's this invisible wall between creators and "fans" and that's usually fake; it's very likely that the people who made some of your favorite media are not rich, their futures are not secure, and they don't even necessarily know how their work has affected people. Worst case scenario they don't write you back, but only a snob would be actually bothered, and sometimes you even make a friend. I think the same principle can be applied to, you know, bloggers or whoever. Certainly I run this blog for myself first and foremost and I don't think I would or could stop even if absolutely no one was paying attention--it's a real compulsion and I think it's reasonably healthy to find ways to be in conversation with yourself--but it's valuable to know when you've been understood by anyone at all.

Not to make it weird but in Hebrews I think there's that verse, "If today you hear the voice of God, harden not your heart." That's really powerful outside the bounds of religion. To me it means, when you get that shred of energy or inspiration that says "I could do the dishes right now," do them immediately before you can talk yourself out of it! When you get that little spark that is so easily snuffed out by overthinking and taking that dangerous minute to round up excuses, that spark that you might be able to do the laundry, send the letter, watch the tough movie you're "never in the mood" for, pick up the book instead of watching TV, take a fucking walk, whatever it is: if you practice surrendering to these impulses immediately, almost without deciding, your life can really start to expand. Actually I believe it literally keeps your brain alive, to keep making it process new information, even if it seems trivial or you don't fully feel like it. But anyway a lot of us don't follow the impulse to say to someone "Hey, I think you're doing a good job" because it's so easy to imagine lots of different reasons they won't like it. But honestly that's unlikely (as long as you're not demanding something in return), and if someone responds poorly to that then chances are they're kind of an asshole.

(I mean sometimes I fail to respond to a message or an obvious social cue but it's usually because I just get overwhelmed by other parts of life and/or I'm not extremely skilled in forming and maintaining connections in any normal way. But it's rare that somebody has tried to reach out to me and I was like secretly hating them for it.)

Depression is really hard to talk about--I mean it's easy to VENT about, but it can be hard to converse about. There's that (American?) thing where you feel like no one should say anything that isn't *CEO voice* solution-oriented, and that's when people either avoid the topic entirely or react with all kinds of unwelcome and/or irrational advice. I have the illusion of being all full of wisdom on this because I've been severely depressed since I was really little and obviously there's something wrong with my whole operating system, but one of my best friends--who is not naturally depressive--is in such a bad way and it's not her fault and possibly there is no way out for real, and of course I have the urge to pump her up and keep her afloat, but if I'm too positive it will be totally dishonest. I have to split the difference between cheering her up and like, not lying to her. I'd be a total hypocrite if I denied her the understanding and acknowledgement of darkness that I myself always want and rarely get. It's hard, but on the individual basis it's useful to try to map the nature of your own depression and notice how it operates; just observe and take notes even if you can't see a way to control it right now. It sounds like you're doing some of that, there is a lot of dignity in that activity.

These are my thoughts off the cuff, with any luck they provoke something useful. Now I feel like I'm finally ready to shower and have ill-advised beverages and do my stupid homework assignment. Thank you for your thoughts, and the helpful prompt, and I hope you have a good day and/or night, for real.

[dragon-fan]

Raising a Wolf: A furry visual novel (Devlog #2) Basic Mechanics

Another update after *Checks notes* a few weeks? Man, time sure flies when you're sick.

Doesn't matter. Recently I've made some improvements to the game, but I don't want to disclose them quite yet.

Today I wanted to talk about basic mechanics - what the game is about, since I didn't see a lot of visual novels doing this kind of stuff so I thought I'd explain the fundamentals at play here.

But first, I wanted to show those amazing character designs, made by @wheatu!

As you can guess by the title of the game, the main mechanic of the game is raising the kid. How do you do it? Well, by setting his schedule of course!

At first, you have limited selections of activities but as the game progress, more stuff opens up to you.

So far the schedule allows you to plan two activities for the kid and one "parent action", something you, the player character does while the kid does his own thing - for example you can try to work more to earn more money, however, it will come at the cost of your relationship with the kid.

Also fun fact - there were two other versions of the scheduler before I settled on the current one. And let me assure you, this one will definitely change too.

The next stop on our adventure through basics is the stats screen. I swear I remade this thing like four times, and I just can't be satisfied. Trust me, I'm only keeping this eyesore for testing purposes (so everyone playing and testing can see what is going on), and I will for sure change it into something more pleasing to the eyes in the near future.

On this screen, you can see the current stats and skills of the kid. What's the difference between the two? Stats are big colorful texts (Physical, Smart, Social, and Creativity), and each contains two skills (for example, Strength and Stamina are part of Physical), although I might add more.

The general idea for this system is that each stat is the sum of it's skills. So for example, if kid has 40 points in Art and 10 points in Music his creativity is a nice 50, which is quite a lot. During various trials and tribulations across the game, kid's abilities will be tested, sometimes by stats, sometimes by skills alone (for example, trying to join the sports team requires a high physical overall, however running for a long time requires just stamina.)

Besides stats you can also see here the level of kid's stress (if it reaches maximum kid will need a while to rest), parent's job (determined at the beginning of the game, it decides how much money you start with and earn each month), monthly income (determined by the previous point), and current money (which you can use to buy stuff for the kid.)

There's also wildness which is.... a bit harder to explain. And I think this post is already long enough (Thanks for reading so far by the way!)

I'm still working on the first draft of the script, and some features, but I'll try to make the next blog post soon... or at least sooner than my this one.

Thanks again for reading, and hope you'll have a good day!

[veebs-hates-video-games]

I keep forgetting or not having the energy to do the next one of these. It's going to be two in one again, this time for Glitchhikers: The Spaces Between and Vengeful Heart, which are the two "wokest" games I've played in a while (in a good way).

Glitchhikers is the only thing that's ever given me a dialogue option to declare the concept of the hero's journey to be an act of colonialism (we make fun of Campbell on this blog, and also Jung while we're at it), and Vengeful Heart is probably the most openly revolutionary thing I've played since A Bewitching Revolution (which is also great and you should give it a try).

I played the original Glitchhikers over a decade ago when it first came out. It was only like 15 minutes to go through it once, but it was the exact right thing I needed to see at that exact point in my life, and it's still one of my most memorable experiences with a game ever thanks to that. The new remade and hugely expanded version didn't quite do it for me in the same way, but it was still interesting and had some stuff going for it.

It's very much an experimental art game experience and not something big on gameplay, and it can be a little clunky or frustrating to interact with sometimes as a result. The park section in particular was mostly just annoying for me rather than me getting much out of it.

It can also be kind of on the nose with some of the dialogue and the messages in it, and some of it left me feeling like yeah I've seen multiple posts about this on Tumblr except they expanded on the idea with a thousand more words and it led to a bunch of discussion that added a lot more to it.

When it gets stuff right I really like it though. The train segment of the game avoids those problems entirely for the most part, both because it's a fixed path that makes navigating it a lot easier and because you run into each character multiple times. That latter thing is particularly important because it lets them flesh out the conversations a bit more and spend more time with each idea or theme, which it really benefits a lot from.

I think the final airport section was probably my second favorite. It's a bit tedious wandering around the empty space, and it's kinda blunt with its message, but it did a good enough job presenting the idea that how things are framed and structured matters for how we perceive and think about them, whether it's architecture or stories or ideas. It's a very "I see what you did there" way to wrap things up, but it works.

And then Vengeful Heart is just good. It's a postapocalyptic cyberpunk dystopian VN that manages to be appreciably worse than the way things are in the real world but not by so much that it's not immediately able to be related back to real life. And while the setting and situation are pretty dire, the story itself is about disempowered people joining together to work to do something to change it. Not without struggles and loss along the way, and not with a universally happy ending where everything is magically fixed, but with hope for their actions and sacrifices leading to continued change and improvement in the future.

They absolutely nailed the PC-98 aesthetic better than I've seen anyone do it in a while, and it feels like someone could've made the artwork 30 years ago. A lot of the music is pretty good too and sets the tone well.

Its biggest strength is its characters though, which is always a good thing in a medium and genre that relies so much on them. There are strong women and PoC and queer people and disabled people and student activists and working class union members and more all working together, both learning from each other but also having conflicting ideas and motivations at times, and of course the evil billionaires and militarized cops and private security you'd expect from the genre too. I really liked how a lot of them were handled, and I kept thinking about some of them for days after I finished the story, completely unprompted.

I could see myself going back through the train section of Glitchhikers now and then to meet different characters and see what they have to say, but Vengeful Heart is the one I expect to end up fairly high on my list at the end of the year, and I'm really looking forward to whenever they finish the next thing they've been working on.

[flameandindifference]

I definitely thought it was interesting to see a Lucius blog! I never played the games but years ago, I remember a friend telling me about them - she'd always liked horror films and everything scary and the games honestly sounded really atmospheric and creepy from what she described! They honestly remind me a lot of the Omen movies, which is also about a young boy who is the son of the devil! I'm excited to learn more about Lucius as we interact! I think you're doing a great job with him!

I'm shirking the 'can't respond' thing because I don't get much chance to talk about the games via asks.

You would be completely correct on The Omen comparison. It's pretty obvious, in the first game especially, that the developers took HEAVY inspiration from that movie and from Damien. While the first and third games are good enough that I would vouch checking them out yourself... I would advise just looking up a cutscene comp of the second game if you want to follow the story because the gameplay there is abysmal.

It's pretty clear through all three games that the developers have a love for horror movies and they like slipping in references here and there, including a Children of the Corn reference in game two and a full Psycho parody/reference in three.

The only reason I don't think the games got that much attention and, thus, aren't that known is that there's very clear budget constraints.

It's the worst in two but there's hints in three... like really bad pop in and a complete lack of atmospheric music while you're running around as Lucius.

It's three games that are all a mixed bag but two out of three of them are pretty good.

The first one was actually remade into an 8-bit form and is available on Steam, I believe.

[mirag2001]

BLOG ASSIGNMENT #3

I didn't know who Candyman was up until extremely recently. Even though I did grow up in the States, my parents would share different stories of boogiemen from their home country, Mexico. I would hear stories of "la llorona" or "el cucuy," but not the Candyman. My first introduction of Candyman was when the newest movie was being advertised. I would see it in ads before YouTube videos, and I was intrigued. I love scary movies, and this one looked like it would actually freak me out. However, at the time, I never got the chance to watch it. It wasn't until this class, where I saw it was assigned that I was excited to be able to see it. Though after watching the first Candyman (1992), I was glad they remade it. The first Candyman was extremely problematic. I mean, I'm not going to deny that it didn't freak me out, especially the scene with the bees in Tony Todd's mouth, but the overall themes were more unsettling. 

The first thing I noticed was how the housing projects were depicted. They were run down and dangerous, implying that violent people only lived there. I thought that this just added to the harmful stereotypes that black people are "violent" and "animalistic." I thought it was interesting to hear in the documentary shown in Thursday's class that the crew brought more trash and made the area in which they were filming look worse than it actually is. The other thing that I noticed was that there was a clear "white savior trope" in the movie. I don't like it when movies do this, especially when it's a movie that is surrounded by people of color. Helena, the white woman, was the one showing the story, having to explain how the housing projects were bad to Bernadette, a black woman. And because of this, Helena was seen as the "good" character, and the other black people in the movie were depicted in a bad light, like the other people living in the projects. I just felt like those types of storylines are never needed. People of color can be their own saviors, and it's a shame that it's usually never portrayed that way in Hollywood.

 I watched the new Candyman a bit hesitantly. I was afraid that it would be the same narrative shown in the first movie, but I was pleasantly surprised. This movie did a good job of scaring me to no end. One of my biggest fears is the things I can't see, so using the mirrors and only being able to see him through them was terrifying. I like how the new movie addressed the problems in the first one. The latest movie talked about gentrification, and there was no white savior trope, showing black trauma, but this time, it was told by black people. Overall, I liked how this new movie showed the same horrifying story but without all the harmful themes from the first one.

[movieremakesandmore]

Comparison pt. 2 - Animation

Scooby Doo, Where Are You! (1969-1970)

When you hear the words "Animated Movie" what movie comes to mind? For me, I think of Coraline or How to Train Your Dragon. Others may think of My Neighbor Totoro or Into the Spider-Verse. So many generations of children have experienced the Scooby Doo franchise. But in this blog post, I will be comparing animated movies of the 80s to the 2010s, specifically Disney films. While most animated films are directed towards a younger audience, they can be enjoyed by people of all ages. Disney starts off strong making films everyone's heard of such as The Little Mermaid and The Fox and the Hound. They even remade The Lion King and Beauty and the Beast as live action films. The remakes are good, but they just don't have the magic and originality of the animated versions.

Beauty and the Beast (2017)

Emma Watson did a great job as Belle, and I like how the live action movies can bring these lovable characters to life. However, since I grew up only wanting to watch cartoon movies as a kid, I don't think I would have liked the live action at that age. Cartoons help build children's imagination, and can be as unrealistic and magical as the animators can make them. On the other hand, Gen Z college students like myself seem to enjoy watching their favorite childhood cartoons become realistic and new. I personally think it would be interesting to see producers try and make movies like The Nightmare Before Christmas and Toy Story into live action films.

Puss in Boots: The Last Wish (2022)

Overall, I think that people will continue to support the production of live action remakes and animated continuations. Sometimes, its the live action movies that are made into animated films like the Diary of A Wimpy Kid series. I believe the main reason why we continue to pay to see these animated films is for the nostalgia. We all saw how popular Puss in Boots: The Last Wish became when it was released last year as a sequel to the 2012 film. It's surprising to me how a whole decade can pass and a movie can still stay relevant in today's film society. These are just a few examples of animated movie remakes, but there are still many more we have not discussed.

[gnosticreign-a]

@ofhope asked: 🎂 — age and/or birthday (or just birthday if that's fine!) // ❤️ — what are some of your best qualities? // 🎶 — favorite song at the moment? // 🎁 — what have you accomplished in the rpc that you’re proud of? // 💯 — share three random facts about yourself that your mutuals may not know about you, please!

munday asks! | accepting!

🎂 — age and/or birthday (or just birthday if that's fine!)

april 12th!

❤️ — what are some of your best qualities?

more best qualities? well, i can do some vocal imitations and whatnot. deeper male voices like zhongli aren't perfect, but they certainly get the job done in flustering the chat.

i've also been the happy game master of a few PBTA campaigns, too. i've actually got notes for another, but there's lots of context behind this one.

🎶 — favorite song at the moment?

it really depends what i'm in the mood for, but i do think that Hitoshizuku_Yamasankakkei on youtube is a good artist to start out with if you want to understand a facet of my musical vibes. Sister’s ∞ mercY is a bop.

🎁 — what have you accomplished in the rpc that you’re proud of?

oh, i really have to think deeply on this one.

i guess another thing to be proud of is how well people tend to take to my aus. shredder raphael, my aforementioned au 2012 donatello, even some aus i've pitched here and there to others have been warmly embraced.

shredder raph actually has his own blog i remade recently, but again, i...need to crawl back on it. but i've at least gotten his muse to stop pestering me nearly as often!

💯 — share three random facts about yourself that your mutuals may not know about you, please!

my first alias arriving into the rpc was "TC"! it was actually short for a full-on alias as well, but that's from an age when i was much cringier online. so. "TC".

Coryn was actually made from the "genderbend" of myself, "CT". CT was only actually used in a homestuck rp with a friend, like, twice. still, i decided to keep some of CT's character, such as his initial abrasiveness and internalized homophobia.

while Coryn leans more into my Aries sun, Johanna leans more into my Capricorn moon. the fact that Zhongli is also a Capricorn means that i have a plausible reason to do so, although this was very unintentional at the time.

[shackhal]

My plans for now...

Hello everyone.

As I said before, this blog will be a way to post about myself, my life and stuff I like and I do. So this time let me speak from my mind and stuff I plan to do.

First, since I remade my online portfolio and reactivated my freelance work, I was thinking on how to promote my stuff in a passive way. Although I can keep promoting in some ways, I don't want it as a daily or weekly activity and to be annoying for others...and for myself. As currently I do have a job that I like, my mind is more focused on the work experience than the additional money.

So, I thought about some ways, like:

Once a week, make a pixel art image and post it in social media. It's gives online presence, traffic and it can be used as an art practice. Or...

Make more game assets content. It gives more art practice and, if done right, it can give additional income.

But there is one thought it keep popping in my mind: my own games. Although almost all of them were made during game jams (and I like them), their graphics are not good. Currently I saw them as a bad showcase for my art skills. Just look at this image:

Not so pretty, right?

So let's see...

Graphic improvement on my games.

Gamedev and work management practice.

Online traffic doing progress' posts.

A bit of income??

Workload increase.

Programming stress.

Those are the pros and cons I can think of it... It is worth a shot.

So that's what I'll do. Time to improve my games' graphics. I can also revisit the mechanics and make some changes, to give them more appeal. But I won't make new content if possible. The main focus is the new graphics and some adjustments.

It's also a good time to do it, as Devtober is coming. It's a gamedev event where the objective is to build good habits and routine while making games. If you are interested, fell free to join this year.

In my case, I'll need to remember how to use GameMaker again though. It could be fun.

[anthonycrowley]

hey! i dm'd you but i want to thank you again for this, it was really sweet to, like, care. so i kind of want to go over why i chose to leave, why i genuinely don't like followers, and why i'm totally down to delete if it gets like that again.

basically, for about the last 6 months i was on my last blog, i wasn't in good place. it wasn't anyone's fault, really, and in hindsight i think it was mostly due to my personal life and ending up in a job i hated (i'm reasonably sure i developed some stress ulcers from it, but i'm out of there now and i love my current position and i'm fine), but the tumblr thing...wasn't helping. i think i got an influx of followers from getting into spn, and while it wasn't the first or even the biggest group of followers i had gotten all at once (that was probably gomens), it did seem to have the most. i don't know. people who treated me like a public figure or something. and on some level it was worth it because i made some amazing friends from that period, but it made my blog. just really hard to use.

and by public figure i mean it felt like for the first time it was kind of. hard to talk. on my own blog. it felt like everything i was saying was either getting criticized because it wasn't what people wanted me to post (i had someone complaining that i stopped posting as much gomens, and then when i remade blogs they continued to complain on all of my unrelated posts on my new blog that they chose to follow me on that i had stopped posting gomens. this was not an isolated incident, but it was the worst) or that i couldn't say anything without someone going 'elaborate on that' at best and 'i'm offended by this completely normal thing because i disagree with your analysis' at worst (and i don't mean me genuinely being shitty, OBVIOUSLY call me out on that, this was like personal opinions shit that effects no one). and a lot of this wasn't even from my direct followers, i was just a big enough blog that people thought they could come and just complain at me about something taken out of context.

the thing i'm getting at is that like. you want me to not feel weird around you? treat me like a real person who's on this platform for fun. i know i'm joking about tips and shit, but tumblr, unlike most other social media platforms, is not something you can make a career out of being popular on. people were treating me like i was, like, a youtuber with subscribers who between getting jokes is getting brands deals. i'm a fucking office worker, i don't make money at this, the only thing that made me popular here is funny one-liners. i'm not perfect. obviously. and if i've made a mistake, please, tell me, but i felt like i couldn't do anything right, so as long as people don't start that shit again i'm cool with not going heavy on the block button for your first offense.

that was the big thing, i guess. i think there's also a certain level of i felt like there was some parasocial relationships people were developing (similarly to 'why don't you post this' but this was like, assuming you were my friend and talking to me the way, for example, hallie or nessa - people who i have been friends with for years - would talk to me' instead of wanting me to perform like a dancing monkey. but that's neither her nor there), so like. again, i'm literally just a random person, please don't do that. and i think high follower count kind of just makes it so people think they CAN be parasocial with you on here, if you know the follower count is high, and honestly the more people in general the more likely it is that there's people who are going to be weird at you. hence why i really did enjoy having a small following, and honestly would prefer to not have followers. but i can deal, i guess.

again, as long as people don't start treating everything i say as if i mean everything literally or start treating me like we've been besties for years, i'll be fine. and i am in a much, much better place than i was a year ago. i just also learned how to use the block button and will nuke myself if i want to :)

[wingdingle]

i work a full time job in healthcare and ive been naturally awake since 6:30 today and here i am, posting on the same blog ive owned since i was 12 that ive never remade and whose url ive only changed twice ever and icon 3 times, and simulta eouslt sowing tomato seeds and pretending i dont have to get ready for work and also ive had major surgery done within the past 6 days and i bleeded thru my scrubs yesterday. man the way i think and express my words is just soooo not conducive to the little posts people make throughout thsir day like i cant emphasize enough i am on 5 different medications right now and i still think and talk like this even when i try not to <3 yesterday after i got home me and bf had a long talk and we had a major epiphany and i realized my goal especially as an autistic person is not to be understood but to simply be allowed to exist and accepted as is. a little bit nonsensical and slow and hard to understand a lot of the time. my words are not there to express information all the time, they are there to express happiness and comfort and enjoyment in my surroundings a good 75% of the time. i could talk on and on forever when im happy and even if the person i was with wasnt hearing a single word i would be ok. i am just happy to exist . MY SEEDS

[just-antithings]

So I'm the anon from the other day talking about accidentally following an anti cuz they were a Dabi stan. So I never unfollowed that blog I found the anti through cuz their blog is pretty much just reblogs and they haven't noticed me so 🤷‍♂️. This was good tho cuz that Dabi blog had remade and now has a carrd with a DNI hall of shame level DNI. On top of the usual bs about proshippers, it lists several other blogs by name and says DNI if you interact with any of these blogs, with links to the blogs and with the warning that on the blogs you'll find incest stuff..... Which is why I'm planning when I have the spoons to actually go to these blogs and follow cuz I already know this person's definition of incest is dumb af and so they might have done the job of finding proship Dabi stans for me lololol. And of course I blocked the remade blog so I don't have to worry about them seeing me and putting me on blast.

Cursed DNI? hand it over

[1tooru]

tagged by @loves0ft and @jinings ty!!

  rules: answer questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better! name/tickname: tenri/tenriri/tenten gender: she/her star sign: gemini height: 145 cm/4′9” (feel free to stomp on me pls and ty) birthday: may 22 favorite band/groups: yikes ive got a lot bts, mx, tbz, nct,, n.flying, txt, apink, rv, exid, 5sos/1d 2014 white boy music still slaps, the nbhd, waterparks, the 1975, babymetal favorite solo artist: keshi, frank ocean, khalid, rich brian, dpr live, ph-1, iu, wonho, conan gray, lauv song stuck in your head: cheating is a crime by takayan last movie you watched: pride and prejudice (2005) last show: just started alice in borderland !! when you created this blog: ive had a lot of different blogs since 2013ish but remade to this during the end of june last thing you googled: ‘20cm frog raincoat’ other blogs: one for fic recs and another for anime how many people are you following: 92 how many followers do you have: 1k+ average hours of sleep: 4 on a good day lucky number: 5 instruments: piano what I’m currently wearing: tank & shorts bc its hot like the devils ass here dream job: pianist or artist :( dream trip: japan :// i was supposed to go as a post grad gift this summer to visit my grandparents but miss rona said no favorite food: uhh i inhale everything, but lets go with musubis since its the last thing i had nationality: asian-american ; japanese/chinese/filipino favorite song: right now its blue hour by txt top three fictional universes you’d like to live in: hq!!, animal crossing, mme

dont have to do this but tagging: @dumplinjin @taepioka @vguk-s @babieemochi  @jiminmochis @atsumu-brainrot @2bosoos @rrrintarou @cinderblockxgarden @di5appearer @feistychim 

[abarbaricyalp]

handholding- 10/12/13

hugs - 34

kisses - 7/13/27

touching - 47

sambucky :)

Buddies, I literally cannot believe I managed to get all of these done without being too repetitive.

Handholding 10: Happily doing everything with one hand if that means they don't have to let go is already posted on my blog and on AO3: ElisabethMonroe: (til i carry you home) Your Hand in My Hand

Reblogging with AO3 links in a second

Kisses 27: Desperate Kisses

Inhale My Soul

(Listen, listen y'all, you don't know how many different universes of them dying and bleeding out in each other's arms y'all aren't reading here. I didn't do that to you. You're welcome)

Dissolving hadn’t felt like anything. Sam wasn’t sure he even understood what was actually happening. Maybe he’d thought it was just a trick of the reality stone. Maybe human minds weren’t meant to comprehend anything close to what had happened.

Coming back felt like dying.

He woke up on his back and he couldn’t breathe. It was like he had no lungs at all, just a trachea spasming in his throat without air, like a gills with no water. He grasped for the ground and the feeling of dirt was horrifying, a grave waiting to swallow him down into the Earth. The wind was knives on his skin. His suit felt like it was trying to pry his spine from his ribs. His legs ached like someone was trying to stretch the bones on a crank.

He must’ve screamed but there was no air to make a noise.

Finally sight came back and the first thing he saw were the trees falling over him, ready to crush him and hide him again.

Had anyone seen him disappear? No one was by his side. No one looked for him.

No, the trees weren’t falling. They were swaying in the wind. The sun kept gliding down through them with every shuffle of the leaves.

It was so quiet he felt like he could hear the leaves sighing as they grew.

It took him too long to realize the ragged breath that broke the silence like a gunshot came from his own chest. The hands digging his own grave shot to his chest, felt the rise and fall of his ribs and lungs, the proof that he was breathing. He was alive again.

He rolled onto his side and heaved until his ribs creaked, still firmly attached to his spine. There was nothing to come up, but the noise was comforting, the ache that he could name and handle was safe. Human. Living human.

His knees were in his legs when he leaned back on his haunches. They sank into the earth but the grave didn’t swallow him down. No unwilling sacrifice to be taken from him. He brought his dirt covered fingers--firm and whole and attached to him--up to his face. He found his cheeks, a beard with edges that were too straight for a man who had died and been put back together, his teeth. They throbbed in his gums like they were all about to fall out but they were there in his head. His tongue.

He could speak.

“Steve!” he shouted and his throat screamed in protest, the air in his lungs turned to fire. “Steve!” he called again and forced himself to his feet. His boots were tied. His pants were still tucked into them. There was no blood, which seemed wrong. He felt flayed open and left to soak into the ground. How could there be no blood?

“Steve!”

God, if Steve was dead…

Sam couldn’t lose more people. He couldn’t fight his way back. Not after this. Not while everything hurt so fucking much.

“Steve, please, God, where are you?!”

“Sam?”

Sam whirled around at the tired voice. The trees danced in his vision. The grass clutched at his legs, which still felt like they were being stretched out and sunk into the earth. The trees were going to take him over. The grass was going to eat him again. No one was looking. No one would find him. Why wasn’t anyone ever looking for him?

“Sam?” the voice called again.

Footsteps. Crushing grass. A metal screech in the bark of a tree. A colorful curse. “Sam, fuck, shout again!”

Sam stumbled forward, breaking free of the natural world trying to take him away again. He shoved himself away from a tree and crashed into a warm, solid, human body.

“Jesus, Sam,” Bucky breathed and wrapped his arms around Sam tightly. It hurt in the best way. Sam held him back, face hidden in Bucky’s shoulder. He didn’t even care about what gore he was smearing all over himself. Bucky’s hand came to the back of Sam’s head and Sam almost expected it to hit exposed brain but it didn’t. Instead his calloused fingers brushed over Sam’s short hair, smoothing over the natural lines and divots in it until goosebumps erupted over Sam’s skin.

Right. Things could feel good. That was part of being human and alive.

He had no idea how long they stood there. His shoulders were aching, but in a pleasant way that reminded him that there was something he loved right in front of him, in his arms.

Bucky was the first to move, stepping back half a step, a quarter of a step, barely any at all, just enough to bring his hands up to either side of Sam’s face. The cheeks and the mouth and the skin that was all there and new again. He tilted Sam’s head back, eyes intense and clear in front of Sam.

Had it not felt the same for him? Was he not grappling with his ridiculously weak claim to existence? Or, fuck, was this how he always felt after being frozen and woken up? Had he been going through this for seventy years with no one to run to? With no one to hold him and remind him that things could feel good?

Sam’s fingers tightened in Bucky’s vest and just as Bucky was starting to say something Sam couldn’t honestly answer--something about how he felt, if anything hurt, if he needed medical attention--Sam hauled him down into a desperate kiss. Their noses smashed together and pain bloomed across Sam’s face, made his eyes water, made him want to sneeze, made him want to lean into it all the more, like the pressed-on-bruise ache of Bucky’s arms around him.

He felt Bucky’s teeth notch a split into Sam’s lip by accident, crushed together with nowhere to go. Finally it softened. Bucky’s mouth pressed against his until Sam felt like he could actually breathe, until he could make his mouth do what he wanted, catch Bucky’s lower lip between both of his, wring out a noise he’d never heard the other man make before. Bucky’s hands on his face kept him close and Sam’s fingers tightened in his vest. He wanted to crawl into Bucky’s chest--felt like, maybe, he could after being unmade and remade. Their noses knocked together again as Sam tried to turn his head, kiss the other side of Bucky’s mouth, let Bucky bruise the rest of his lips.

Bucky pulled away, but didn’t let go of Sam’s face. Cool air flowed into Sam’s lungs until all of his bones and muscles felt like they slotted back into place.

“I can’t tell you how fucking happy I am to see you alive,” Bucky breathed.

We should talk about this. That. Later.

“I thought everyone was gone. I don’t know… I didn’t know how I came back. I thought it was just me.”

Bucky shook his head. “No. There’s hundreds of people. Not everyone, but at least half of us.”

Half of them.

“Oh my God,” Sam said. “Thanos won. He wiped out half of the universe.”

“I think that was us. I think...someone brought us back,” Bucky said. Pain flashed over his face as he looked at Sam and then pulled him in for another kiss. Sam tried to understand a second chance in it, but all he could feel was Bucky and relief and adoration. He wasn’t sure where that one came from more--him or Bucky.

“There’s still a fight,” someone said from behind them. Another magic shithead. Terror clutched at Sam’s chest like magic itself was enough to unmake him again, take him away again. “There’s still a world to save.”

Bucky’s hand found Sam’s between their bodies. Sam took a breath with lungs that almost seemed to work again. “What’re we waiting for then?” he asked.

Kiss 13: Frustrated Kiss

Better Than None

“Barnes, you wanna jump in? Any time’s fine,” Sam called out, though the volume wasn’t actually necessary, since he had an earpiece in and Bucky was only a few feet away, leaned on what was left of a building’s wall.

“Nah, you seem to be handling it just fine,” Bucky called back with a nod.

Sam ducked under the robot arm that had been flung at him. “Barnes, I swear, as soon as I get my hands on you--” he threatened.

“Y’know, normally that gets me going but seein’ as you were so anti-giving me a good luck kiss, I don’t know if I believe you anymore.”

“We don’t have time for this!” Sam threw the shield to cut through seven wire-y necks and caught it at degree 355 of its arc.

“It’s just a kiss. Takes two/tenths of a second,” Bucky said.

“I meant this dumbass argument.” Sam jumped out of the way of an electrical charge and Bucky watched it sail dangerously close to his head.

“Damn, maybe I am lucky without you,” he said and didn’t move at all.

“Bucky,” Sam sighed and ripped the head off of the nearest robot.

“Hot. Wish I could show you my appreciation.”

“How does me not giving you a good luck kiss translate you into not giving me any kisses?”

“It only seems fair. You’re putting my well-being at risk. There should be consequences.”

“That’s not how it works! You’re the one not--” Jesus, he didn’t have time to fall for the bait. He freed a mini-EMP from his utility belt and hurled it at the cluster of robots trying to scale the debris that first responders were using as a barricade to the rest of the street. A few seconds later, the robots fell away, powerless and useless.

“I kind of felt that in my arm,” Bucky said.

Sam growled out a huff and stalked over to Bucky. He shoved the front of the shield against his chest a little roughly and leaned in to kiss him, mostly teeth and irritation. The bastard still looked pleased when Sam pulled away.

“Good luck. Now will you please go do your job?”

Bucky grinned, all teeth and victory, and bolted into action.

Kisses 7: Passionate Kiss

Hand holding 13: Linking hands during s**

Bring Heaven to You

Sam swore he could feel Bucky’s mouth all over him. Every inch of his skin felt electric and alive. Frankenstein’s creature surging to life after a bolt of lightning, every nerve and muscle singing at the same time, overwhelming sensation in the best way. Like a freefall that keep him tethered to the mismatched hands clutching at his hips, his ribs, his chest, his shoulders, his thighs, the backs of his knees. Like Bucky couldn’t decide where he should be shocking Sam back to life either.

Bucky dragged his hand down Sam’s side, flat and steady so Sam could feel the golden band on his finger scorching his skin like it was made of fire. Like vows and rings and heavy promises weren’t enough to prove they belonged to each other, like they needed it written in flesh and blood like everything else about their lives.

Hahahaha, no. The rest is on AO3. Link in the reblog

Hand holding 12: Possessive hand holding

A Green Monster, And No We Don’t Mean The Hulk

“Welcome back to the show, Captain America!” a bubbly, young talk show host greeted. Bucky assumed he’d watched at least a few seconds of the program at some point when he was making it his life mission not to leave his apartment, but he couldn’t place her name for the life of him. “And you brought Mr. Barnes with you!” This she said with much less genuine enthusiasm and didn’t seem all that thrilled to have to look away from Sam to address Bucky.

“Well, you know I can’t stay away too long,” Sam said with a friendly smile. He held out his hand and the host took it in both of hers. It was less a hand shake and more an excuse for her to hang onto Sam, it looked like.

Sam and Bucky sat in the cushy seats for guests and, even though they’d already walked through the staging of this whole farce, Bucky was still deeply tempted to take Sam’s seat so he was between Sam and the host.

“So, Sam, last time we saw each other, you weren’t yet Captain America.”

“Funny how fast things like that can change, right?” Sam asked with twinkling eyes. Bucky wondered if the cameras were bolted down and if he could wrench one free even if they were.

“Well, I think it’s still not soon enough,” the host said and tossed her long hair over her shoulder. “You’ve always been Cap to us here. You’ve been so vocal about your mission statement as Captain America, so I won’t make you repeat yourself.” Sam nodded gratefully, though Bucky knew he’d repeat his goals and wishes until he ran out of breath if it meant one more person heard them and got inspired. “So I thought we could focus on what’s going on behind the scenes with you. Has anything else changed for you since you’ve been back?”

As if coming back to life wasn’t enough.

“Oh, definitely,” Sam said. “Buck and I just finished flipping a house down by my sister. Y’know, we got decent temporary accommodations--Buck still has his in New York--and staying with my sister again was nice, but there’s nothing like having a house to come home to that’s just ours. No pre-teens stealing all the food outta the fridge immediately after grocery shopping.”

The host laughed along with Sam, though her eyes couldn’t quite keep from flickering to Bucky. “It’s fun that you’re rooming with Mr. Barnes. Does it feel like having college roommates again?”

Sam frowned, opened his mouth to answer, ran through a bunch of diplomatic ways to say what should’ve been obvious but wasn’t because this lady was into Sam. Which, like, Bucky couldn’t blame her for. But he was anyway.

He reached over to grab Sam’s hand where it was picking at a loose thread in his pants. “Actually, it’s more like just living with a partner,” he answered for Sam. “That’s something else that’s changed too, huh?” he directed at Sam. “Turns out, with consistent showers and therapy, he thinks I’m pretty charming.”

Sam frowned again and scoffed. “No, I do not. That hasn’t changed.”

The host laughed again, forced but a decent show anyway. “Sure, we all love a good bromance,” she said.

Bucky’s eyebrows shot up.

“Don’t,” Sam warned.

“It’s a lot like a bromance, yeah. Just without the B,” Bucky said. “We kind of figured my name had enough Bs to last us for a while.”

“Sam, are you saying--”

Sam sighed and brought his other hand up to the bridge of his nose. “Unfortunately. And, yeah, he’s always like this. Some kinda puffed up bulldog or something.”

Bucky’s fingers tightened around Sam’s. “You’re my partner. I’m allowed to tell people that.”

“You don’t ever stop telling people.”

“Can’t blame him,” the host pointed out. Okay, maybe some of the hostility was misplaced, Bucky thought. Only some of it. “How did we not know about this, Cap?” she asked jovially, though Bucky thought she was still a little upset.

Sam shrugged. “Guess it’s not as exciting as superheroing. And cameras keep ending up destroyed,” he added pointedly.

Bucky narrowed his eyes at the accusation. “Half the places we go could be classified as an active war zone. It’s not always on me that media cameras get crushed under debris or aliens or something.”

“Every single one that catches you touching my face?”

Bucky shrugged.

“So...how long has this been a thing?” the host asked.

“Since before Sam took the shield. It’s actually a package deal. If you want the shield, you have to have me.”

Sam rolled his eyes and let out another long suffering sigh. “I’m sorry he’s ruining this interview.”

“Oh, no, I’m about to win an investigative journalism prize, I think,” the host laughed.

“I don’t know how investigative it is when your subject is physically incapable of shutting up,” Sam said, looking over at Bucky with a glare and the smallest pout that made Bucky want to kiss it off of his face.

So he did, holding their interlaced fingers next to their face to hide from the cameras at least a little bit.

Hugging 34: Hugging while grabbing butt

Get Sprung

(Man, I meant to put this in the fr@ story and forgot :/ )

The building came down faster than Sam expected it to. He supposed well placed explosives would do that. What happened to uncertain, uneven dynamite? Why was everything electrical and precise nowadays?

He had no idea how Bucky managed to get Sam and the shield bundled in his arms before the ceiling came down. He didn’t know how Bucky had managed to kick a piece of wall upright and then locked his metal arm to hold the shield in place above them. He had no idea how Bucky knew it’d make the perfect alcove for them. For someone who pretended not to know what math was when AJ asked for help on homework, he was very calculation savvy.

Bucky slowly freed his arm from the straps of the shield. The rubble shifted a little, pressed a little closer, and then stilled again. They both let out a small breath. There wasn’t enough room to lay out totally, or to stand fully, but they weren’t being crushed. Bucky’s arm joined the other around Sam’s waist. Sam dropped his face to Bucky’s shoulder and let Bucky’s pulse drum against his cheek for a second.

“Are you grabbing my ass?” he finally asked and Bucky coughed out a startled laugh.

“Yeah, you better hope it’s me and not some darkness monster.”

“Couldn’t blame the monster if it was,” Sam said.

“I gotta make sure it’s still there. Would be a shame to lose America’s ass, y’know.”

Sam shook his head and pulled away from Bucky enough to light up his wristlets. He shook them off and rested them on pieces of concrete and rebar to light the space.

Bucky sank down to the ground, legs bent a little to accommodate the space and Sam followed him down, settling between his legs.

“So, now we wait, huh?” he said, reaching for Bucky’s hands to tangle their fingers together.

“Guess we gotta,” Bucky agreed. “Are you hurt?”

Sam shook his head. There was still a ringing in his ears from the explosion and he was sore from Bucky tackling him out of the way, but nothing felt crushed or cut or broken. “You?”

“I’m fine,” Bucky said and then let out a breath at Sam’s arched brow. “I mean it. I’m not playing tough or anything. We got lucky. It came down on us, not sideways into us. I think there’s something lodged between the plates in my arm, but I don’t want you to do anything about it until we’re safe. It’s functional right now. I don’t need to be down an arm if we have to dig out.”

“We’re not gonna have to dig out,” Sam said. “Torres’ll track Redwing to us.”

“How’s your dumb robot?”

Sam reached for a wristlet and navigated to the Redwing menu. “Operational. Some exterior dinging, but nothing serious. He’ll be functional if we need.” Sam set the wristlet aside again and sighed. “Fuck, that was close, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah. C’mere,” Bucky said, opening his arms. Sam shifted forward on his knees and leaned against Bucky’s chest, hugging him close. “‘M glad you’re okay,” Bucky murmured, lips brushing Sam’s temple.

Sam nodded and rubbed Bucky’s waist for a second. “Buck?”

“Yeah?”

“You’re grabbing my ass again.”

“I know.”

“Alright.”

Touch 47: Touching their elbow to get their attention

Quiet Birds Circling in Flight

(Jeez, the only thing that came to mind for ages on this prompt involved a spaceship but these men have SEEN aliens and spaceships so that’s not as fun :(((((( )

Sam stood outside the cenotaph long after everyone else had left the service. And that was quite the feat in and of itself. It felt like the mourning could go on for years. There’d been enough tears around him that he wasn’t sure what his own would add to the spectacle.

To everyone else, the cenotaph was a mausoleum. But Sam had been next to Bucky when he told the military to quietly bury him in the cemetery where his parents were both buried. “You know,” Bucky had said one afternoon while they watched the cenotaph being built stone by stone, engraving by engraving, “I’d wager that most mausoleums are just cenotaphs. Grave robbing and reactions to grave robbing mean probably everyone just got moved somewhere safer.”

“Plus decomposition.”

“Well, shit, Wilson. When do you stop being you after death? When does dirt become dirt again? When isn’t it your resting place? Does it even matter where your body is when alls said and done? Is that ever actually you or just a space filler?”

Sam had elbowed Bucky’s ribs and they’d each taken a piece of stone and pretended they didn’t see.

Sam weighed the shield against his shin, knocking it slightly to the side, and then looked up at the stone one ten more feet above his head.

Steve would hate this so much. Sam felt like he could feel his raging blush from the after life. Sam and Bucky had both asked for something more muted, something quieter. Hell, something that would do good for the world Steve was always trying to save. All this money and work and art, for what? A place to take pictures for likes on the internet?

No, Sam had to remind himself, it was a place for memory too.

As much as Sam kind of hated the whole thing, he couldn’t deny that looking up at the effigy of his friend inspired him the same way glancing over at him had in life too. The words wrapping around and around the base of the cenotaph sparked the same intense pride and righteousness they had the first time he heard them.

Maybe he didn’t hate the cenotaph. Maybe he just wanted the real thing back.

He startled at a gentle touch at his elbow. He thought it might’ve been another mourner come to offer condolences, though those mostly went to Bucky when someone was brave enough to approach him. Most people hadn’t looked at Sam twice. Not when Captain America was, in theory, laying in rest thirty feet beyond.

Sam was not in the mood to listen to anyone else talk about the time Steve smiled at them in a cafe or grabbed their cat out of a tree. If he heard his name again, he was going to break down.

But he had the shield now. He had to do the things Steve did. Smile when he didn’t want to. Hide any sign of weakness, lest it reflect poorly on the red, white, and blue he carried now. So he ground his teeth together until his gums ached and turned with a screwed on smile.

But it wasn’t a mourner. Not a random one anyway.

Bucky still had his fingers on Sam’s elbow, a sad look on his face. Dawn was creeping over the horizon and Sam realized with a start and a bloom of despair in his stomach that he’d spent the entire night in the park.

“Think if we wait two more days he’ll shove that stupid stone shield out of the way and come out?” Sam asked, voice wavering like a flag in the wind.

“We would literally never hear the end of it if he did,” Bucky pointed out.

Neither of them smiled. Neither of them really meant their jokes.

Sam finally broke down.

He collapsed against Bucky’s chest. It wasn’t until he lost his breath in the middle of a sob that he realized he wasn’t the only one shaking. Bucky was crying too. They clutched at each other, both terrified they might drift away, that the other might decide this was too difficult too and go back to something better at the first opportunity.

Sam didn’t even blame Steve. He’d laid awake in the temporary accommodation the government had put him up in and tried to convince himself that if he was in Steve’s shoes, he wouldn’t have saved Riley and stayed in that timeline. But he couldn’t. He knew he would have, almost certainly. And it wasn’t fair to ask Steve to give up a happy, quiet ending after more than a century of fighting and hurting.

But understanding it and accepting it didn’t make it hurt any less. “What are we supposed to do, Bucky?” he asked with an irritatingly genuine hiccup at the end of his words.

“I don’t know,” Bucky said, sounding for all the world like he was grinding his teeth together, trying to pull himself back together. “You have a lot more options than me.”

And it was true. Sam had had a job. The Air Force had reached out since he’d been back stateside. He had a family who missed him, who he missed. But it felt like something heavy and tethering had been locked away in that empty cenotaph. He didn’t want to walk away yet.

Bucky stepped back, kept a hand on Sam’s elbow. “For now, we should get back home. You need to sleep.”

Sam didn’t want to sleep. Everything hurt too much.

“Sam, come on,” Bucky insisted. “You don’t have to make any decisions right now.We could both use a few hours of being quiet, right?

Sam reached up to wipe the tears from his face. He had the shield. He had to act like it. “My place or yours?” he asked, still watery.

Bucky pretended like he didn’t notice. “Yours is nicer than mine.”

“And I have a bed.”

“I have a bed.”

“It’s unassembled in a box.”

Bucky squeezed his elbow and then tugged him into a brief hug that Sam was pretty sure they’d never speak of again. “Let’s get out of here. He’s not goin’ nowhere.”

Sam rubbed at his face again and nodded. “We-- We should order in. When’s the last time you ate?” he asked as they walked away.

“I had a better breakfast than you.”

“You didn’t have to give a speech.”

“Yeah, I’m surprised you didn’t throw up in front of everyone.”

“Shut up, I’m a great public speaker.”

“Sure, Wilson.”

“Screw you, Barnes.”

The dawn bloomed before them.

Do not stand

By my grave, and weep.

I am not there,

I do not sleep—

I am the thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond glints in snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain,

I am the gentle, autumn rain.

As you awake with morning’s hush,

I am the swift, up-flinging rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight,

I am the day transcending night.

Do not stand

By my grave, and cry—

I am not there,

I did not die.

[nvctmgone]

🌌        —        original  character  emoji  asks,  sent  in  by  @wightwulf​.

what  was  the  inspiration  behind  your  oc?  what  was  the  first  thing  you  decided  about  them?

back  in  2018,  I  had  gone  through  a  ( relatively  minor )  car  accident  and  it  had  left  me  very  shaken  up  to  the  point  where  I  wouldn’t  drive  unless  I  was  going  to  work  or  coming  home  from  work,  so  I  was  home  a  lot  in  my  free  time.  in  the  past,  whenever  I’ve  been  in  a  deep,  depressive  funk,  my  go-to  comfort  muse  to  pour  my  feelings  into  and  explore  had  always  been  sidney  prescott  from  scream.  unfortunately,  at  this  time,  there  was  someone  active  in  that  fandom  that  I  was  very  uncomfortable  with  and  I  didn’t  feel  comfortable  being  on  that  blog  or  writing  that  muse.  I  decided  to  try  my  hand  at  creating  a  horror  original  character,  and  had  made  jordan  on  a  whim.  she  had  a  different  name  starting  out  and  a  completely  different  backstory;  in  2019  I  revisited  her  and  remade  her  blog  entirely,  overhauling  her  backstory  in  the  process.

around  that  time,  I  had  reached  a  point  in  my  own  journey  of  accepting  some  terrible  things  that  had  happened  to  me  in  college  to  where  I  felt  comfortable  exploring  unsavory  /  taboo  topics  in  an  original  character,  and  I  knew  that  the  right  story  to  tell  with  jordan  would  be  one  that  was  both  intimately  familiar  to  me  and  one  that  is  pretty  much  only  seen  in  media  if  it’s  being  used  for  shock  value.  I  wanted  to  tell  the  story  of  a  trauma  survivor  who  doesn’t  let  the  terrible  thing  that  happened  to  her  define  her  life,  who  persists  to  forge  her  own  path  and  who  still  wants  good  things  out  of  life,  and  who,  when  pulled  back  into  the  thick  of  it  by  her  abuser,  stands  her  ground  and  fights  back.  while  my  experience  with  my  trauma  is  very  different  from  the  story  I  wrote  for  jordan,  the  general  elements  are  still  the  same,  such  as  struggling  to  accept  what  happened  and  to  accept  that  it’s  not  your  fault,  and  persisting  despite  society  being  staunchly  against  you  at  every  turn.  the  very  first  thing  I  decided  about  her  was  that  she  was  going  to  be  someone  who  has  survived  terrible  things  and  has  been  determined  to  move  forward  and  find  something  good,  because  I  think  there’s  a  lot  of  power  in  that,  and  that  was  something  that  I  needed  to  see  when  I  was  going  through  my  own  journey  of  healing.

obviously,  bringing  something  that  heavy  into  the  rpc  has  to  be  handled  with  care,  and  I  owe  many  thank-yous  to  all  my  friends  back  in  the  early  stages  of  creating  jordan  who  read  over  my  rules  and  bio  pages  and  helped  me  tweak  things  or  fine-tune  things  until  I  felt  that  I  had  put  up  enough  safeguards  so  that  anyone  still  on  their  journey  of  recovery  would  not  be  triggered.  what  goes  hand-in-hand  with  this  is  the  fact  that  assault  is  never  explicitly  written  out  on  my  blog  and  never  will  be,  any  and  all  references  and  writing  about  what  happened  is  centered  on  jordan’s  responses  to  it,  her  feelings  around  it,  and  how  it  has  impacted  her.  likewise,  elliot  has  never  been  featured  much  on  this  blog  aside  from  his  status  as  an  abuser,  and  while  I  have  created  an  npc  graphic  for  him,  his  face  is  scratched  out.  I  will  never  fancast  a  face  claim  for  him,  nor  will  I  ever  try  to  explain  why  he  did  what  he  did,  because  it  doesn’t  matter.  there’s  no  logic  or  reasoning  behind  harming  someone,  and  there’s  no  space  for  abusers  here,  regardless  of  the  fact  that  this  is  all  fictional,  because  at  the  core  of  it  all,  it’s  based  around  very  real  things  that  happen  and  that  people  experience.  

my  goal  has  always  been  to  handle  these  topics  responsibly  and  with  care;  it’s  an  ongoing  process  but  one  that  is  integral  to  me  above  everything,  and  I  hope  that  I  have  done  a  decent  job  and  continue  to  do  so  in  the  future.