#i saw it on a facebook post from my hometown years ago and saved it to my computer | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

daggerzine · 4 years

Text

Matt Addison from Mythical Motors gives us the skinny on the band and their new record (Moon Pies, too!).

I first heard about Mythical Motors from a Facebook friend. Mike Brown and I became FB friends a several years ago and I noticed from his posts that he’s a huge music fan and then, seemingly out of the blue, he told me he was in a band in his hometown of Chattanooga, TN. Mythical Motors is the name and rocking out is their game (thank you ladies and gentlemen). I went to the band’s Bandcamp page and noticed they had a lot of releases out. I then became FB friends with the band’s main songwriter Matt Addison as I’ve continued to check out their stuff. Off the bat you’ll hear a Guided by Voices influences, but here’s lots of other stuff brewing under and over the band’s sound (I hear The Beatles, The Who, a touch of prog and as you’ll see below Addison is a fan of Wire!).

The band recently released its latest record, the terrific Leviathan Messiah (on Painted Blonde Tapes). It’s definitely my favorite by them. If you’re not familiar with the band give a listen and then you will become a (instant) fan because you folks all have great taste in music. Read on, music fans!

When the set ends the rumble begins.

Were you born and raised in Tennessee?

Yes, I was born in Nashville, but I've lived in Chattanooga for most of my life.

Was there a record store in town that got you interested in music?

When I was in high school, a store opened up nearby called Chad's Records. Some friends and I would walk there after school, and I remember buying "The Official Ironmen Rally Song" single by Guided By Voices and Pavement's "Pacific Trim" EP on the day of their release. A lot of my GBV collection came from Chad's: Alien Lanes, BOX, etc.

When did you first pick up the guitar? How about any other instruments?

I starting playing guitar and writing songs when I was 14. As soon as I got a guitar, my brother and I immediately started playing and recording on a boom box. He would sing and I would play guitar, and we took turns playing other instruments. We had a small Casio keyboard (which I still occasionally use on our albums), various drums, and we would even bang on pots and pans. We'd basically use whatever was lying around.

Eventually, we graduated to recording on a cassette 4-track. My Dad found one at a pawn shop that was old, but very well made. He surprised us with it one day, and I never looked back. I was hooked on recording.

Was there any specific concert/gig that really was like a watershed moment that made you want to play music?

When I was 16, I saw Sebadoh play at the Masquerade in Atlanta. The next year, I saw Guided By Voices at the same venue. I had already started playing music by then, but those are the first two shows that had a big impact on me.

Were you in any bands before Mythical Motors?

In high school, I would occasionally get together with a friend or two and play music, but it was never a full band.

However, our guitarist, Johnny Wingo, was in a band called The Value in the early '80's. They were Chattanooga's first punk band.

”A higher stage, please.”

Where did you come up with the name, Mythical Motors? It’s got a nice ring to it.

When the band first started, we were called Heaven's Basement. We soon discovered that there was already a British hair metal band with that name, so it was time for a name change. I think we had a show already lined up at the time, so I had to think of something quickly. I've been keeping a running list of song titles for a long time. I found "Mythical Motors" on that list, and just went with that!

Tell us about the beginnings of the band. Was it the early-mid 00’s?

In 2006, I met our drummer, Brad Smith, at the first ever Robert Pollard show at the 40 Watt Club in Athens, GA. We played as a duo for a while, before adding Mike Brown on bass. Johnny Wingo started playing guitar with us a few years later. Before Johnny joined the band, we went through several lineup changes. At one point, we had Daryl Black playing with us on baritone guitar, and there was another lineup that included Hollie Stockman on cello.

Tell us about the making of Leviathan Messiah. I know you played all of the instruments….is that the way it is on most records?

Most of our albums have a few full band songs mixed in with songs where I play all the instruments. But, Leviathan Messiah is the 4th album that's just me.

Did the name Leviathan Messiah come to you in a dream? It’s a cool title.

Thanks! I came up with the title while writing the song "Faceless At The Altar." I think I had just watched the remake of Suspiria, which contains a great deal of evocative and horrific imagery. So, I was attempting to convey those types of images lyrically.

Big stage for a big sound.

Recording-wise, how is Leviathan Messiah different than your previous record 2019’s This Is What the Twilight Zone Was Preparing Us For?

Recording-wise they're pretty similar, but I definitely took a different approach to the songwriting on those two albums. I had written "Ring The Bells Burning" and "Twin Sun Trajectory" while working on This Is What The Twilight Zone Was Preparing Us For. Those two songs were a bit longer and didn't seem to fit on that album, so I saved them for the next one, which became Leviathan Messiah. I also included a pair of even older songs, "Liquid Mirror Measuring Cups" and "The Lifted Heart," which were left off of our album Elevated Levels.

So, Leviathan Messiah basically evolved in a sort of collage-like way. These longer, more fleshed out songs stood in stark contrast to the spontaneous and rapid fire nature of This Is What The Twilight Zone Was Preparing Us For.So, I decided to keep writing in that style for Leviathan Messiah, and eventually came up with the multi-part title track, which is one of my longest songs. Ultimately, I would say the album is a bit of a departure from our previous releases, despite still sounding like Mythical Motors.

Is Chattanooga a good place to be into independent/alternative music? Decent scene?

There's definitely a thriving punk scene in Chattanooga, and several great venues to play, including Sluggo's North, JJ's Bohemia, Barley, and The Spot.

I ask everyone, what are your top 10 desert island discs?

Guided By Voices - Alien Lanes

Neutral Milk Hotel - In The Aeroplane Over The Sea

The Magnetic Fields - 69 Love Songs

Genesis - Selling England By The Pound

Superchunk - Tossing Seeds

Bevis Frond - North Circular

Ghost - Second Time Around

The Beatles - White Album

Wire - 154

Guided By Voices - Suitcase: Failed Experiments And Trashed Aircraft

The latest record: Leviathan Messiah

What are some of your current favorite bands?

Lately, I've been listening to some of the other bands on Painted Blonde, the cassette label that released Leviathan Messiah. So far, I've heard great releases from Red Pants, Soda Pop, Be Cool Cowboy, and Pen Palindrome.

I've also been really into the label Paisley Shirt Records, who have great releases from R.E. Seraphin, Portabella, Sad Eyed Beatniks, Hits, Quad Super Six, and many others.

Didn’t you guys play one of the Athens Pop Fests? Tell us about that….sounds like a dream festival.

It definitely felt like a dream! We were the first band that played on the first day, and I thought it went really well. We became friends with a few of the bands that played that year, and have played shows with them in Chattanooga since then. It was an amazing experience, and I'm glad we got to be a part of it.

When not on lockdown, do you tour much or is it mostly local shows/regional tours?

Since everyone in the band has commitments with family, work, and school, we've never actually done a full tour. In fact, even though we've been a band for about 14 years, we've only played shows in Tennessee, Georgia, and Alabama. Whenever the pandemic finally ends, I would love to get out more and finally do a short tour.

RAWK

What’s next…more recording?

Definitely! I'm currently working on our next two albums, the first of which will be called Sleepwalking On Main Street. Before the pandemic, we recorded 3 full band songs, which will be included on these albums. I'm also planning to release a digital EP on Bandcamp tomorrow (June 19th) and any profit will be donated to Black Lives Matter.

Any final thoughts, closing comments …anything you wanted to mention that I didn’t ask?

I think that covers it! Thanks again for doing this interview!

BONUS QUESTION; Tell us something cool about Chattanooga that we might not know otherwise.

Krystal and Moon Pies both started in Chattanooga, so I guess our junk food is well-renowned.

www.mythicalmotors.bandcamp.com

www.paintedblonde.bandcamp.com

0 notes

columbiachi · 4 years

Link

Avicii: Two Years After His Passing, Steps Closer To Closure

“So wake me up when it’s all over…” —Wake Me Up, Avicii, 2013

Two years ago today, the world lost a legend. Do you remember where you were on April 20, 2018, when you heard that Avicii died? I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it. It was a Friday afternoon in New York, half a world away from Oman where he left us at the young age of 28. I managed to keep my composure at the office and that night, still in shock, I went to a club because I didn’t know what else to do. The DJ played ‘Wake Me Up’ and ‘Levels.’ Everyone shared a moment of silence and sorrow over the musical genius gone too soon.

I went home early and laid in bed watching Avicii music videos on my phone. ‘Seek Bromance’ … ‘Silhouettes’ … ‘Hey Brother’ … ‘Fade Into Darkness’ … until I broke down. It finally hit me. Tim Bergling was gone.

“This world can seem cold and grey, But you and I are here today, And we won’t fade into darkness…” —Fade Into Darkness, 2011

Today, two years since Tim’s passing, have fans found closure? I’m not sure I have completely—or if I ever will. But I’m steps closer, thanks to the generous efforts of his family and friends to share and commemorate his legacy.

My Introduction to Avicii

Avicii changed my life, and as cliché as that may sound, I know fellow fans understand. Just before Avicii’s breakthrough to what would be a meteoric rise to stardom, I was going through some of my darkest days: overcoming the loss of a loved one, failed relationships, self-doubt about pursuing my passion amid the recession. Nights out were about escaping my problems and I avoided house music because it just sounded like “untz untz untz” to me.

Then my friends introduced me to a song called ‘Bromance’ by Tim Berg, Avicii’s early name. Though instrumental and the precursor to lyrical ‘Seek Bromance,’ it captivated me with its unique melody. After that, I heard Avicii’s remixes of Daft Punk’s ‘Derezzed’ and Armin van Buuren’s ‘Drowning.’ I got hooked.

“Oh, sometimes, I get a good feeling…” —Levels, Avicii, 2011

I counted on Avicii’s melodies to lift my spirits whenever I was feeling low. Not only that, he was the producer-DJ who introduced me to the good vibes of the dance music community. Suddenly, it didn’t matter if I was with my closest friends or complete strangers—dance music made me happy.

Avicii debuted ‘Levels’ with Etta James‘s “Oh, sometimes I get a good feeling” vocals at Ultra Music Festival Miami in March 2011. The crowd went wild. It would become the defining EDM anthem of the decade.

I saw Avicii perform for the first time at Electric Daisy Carnival Las Vegas in 2011 and experienced the magic of hearing ‘Levels’ and ‘Fade Into Darkness’ live. By March 2012, Avicii had earned an introduction at Ultra by Madonna, who called him “amazing.”

A month later, Avicii blew me away at Coachella, DJing on top of a giant head. Immediately after, he embarked on his Levels Tour, the first all-arena tour for any EDM artist in the U.S. He took the production up a notch with the forehead disengaging from the skull so that he flew over the crowd while DJing, as if on a spaceship.

“There’s an endless road to rediscover…” —Hey Brother, Avicii, 2013

The world had fallen in love with Avicii’s signature sound, but at Ultra 2013, he threw us for a loop. Rather than premiering another ‘Levels’-like epic hands-in-the-air track, he brought a band on stage for live performances of songs from his upcoming album. They included ‘Wake Me Up’ with Aloe Blacc, an unlikely blend of country and EDM that fans were not receptive to. Many stopped dancing.

The sound turned out to be too advanced for the crowd at that moment. Avicii explained that the album was “about experimentation and about showing the endless possibilities of house and electronic music.”

“Its about how to incorporate acoustic instruments from different styles and influences you wouldnt expect and still stay true to your own sound and musicality which for me has always been about the melodies and positive energy,” Avicii wrote on Facebook on March 25, 2013.

‘Wake Me Up’ went on to become the highest-charting dance music track of the decade. That and similarly styled ‘Hey Brother,’ my favorite from the True album, pushed the appeal of dance music into the mainstream, setting it up for an unprecedented level of success.

“One day you’ll leave this world behind, So live a life you will remember…” —The Nights, Avicii, 2014

As Avicii played hundreds of gigs across the globe each year, I expanded my horizons too, as a fan. I opened up to different genres of dance music and experiences, traveling out of my state and country for events. In fall 2014, I was sad to hear he had ongoing health issues and decided to cancel his forthcoming shows. I caught Avicii at Tomorrowland in 2015, a journey I promised myself I would make at least once in my lifetime.

Several months later, he postponed the remainder of his shows for the year. In March 2016, Avicii announced he would retire from touring indefinitely. Devastated, I looked up flights for his final shows scheduled in August 2016 in Europe. When my friends bailed, I was faced with going alone or not at all, and decided on the latter. I figured I would catch one of his remaining performances stateside at his Las Vegas residency. Unbeknownst to me, they would be canceled. My only consolation for not booking a flight was the hope that Avicii would one day tour again.

“I’m going Bonnie and Clyde without you…” —Without You, Avicii, 2017

In his retirement note to fans, Avicii wrote he would “never let go of music—I will continue to speak to my fans through it.” Sure enough in summer 2017, he released his fourth EP, Avici (01), with the lead single, ‘Without You.’ It was an instant hit and though the dance music scene was without him playing as a headliner, the song made its rounds at events through other DJs. No one at the time foresaw the meaning the lyrics would take on eight months later when Avicii departed.

On April 20 two years ago, I couldn’t help but think back to a few weeks prior at Ultra 2018, when I had a glimmer of hope that the surprise closing act could be Avicii making a comeback. I remembered being disappointed that it was instead, as rumored, Swedish House Mafia.

After the festival, I went to an after-party in downtown Miami’s Entertainment District and as I was leaving at 3:30 a.m., something on the sidewalk caught my eye. It was stamp art of Avicii’s Stories album with the October 2, 2015, release date, just like the one he posted on Instagram days before his last show. It made my night. I could not believe we would no longer be able to look forward to more of his brilliant tracks.

View this post on Instagram

Just stepped on myself

A post shared by Avicii (@avicii) on Oct 15, 2016 at 11:19pm PDT

“You must have saved me ’bout a thousand times, I wouldn’t be the one I am today, If you hadn’t been a friend of mine…” —Friend Of Mine, Avicii, 2017

I never got to meet Tim, and after watching his documentary Avicii: True Stories seeking closure, I realized that my love for his music blinded me from really understanding him. It was clear from the documentary the physical and mental toll that performing had on him, and that he was never going to tour again. I felt bad for having wished he would.

“Can you hear me? S.O.S. Help me put my mind to rest…” —SOS, Avicii, 2019

On the one-year anniversary of his passing, I still felt a void. I was so happy that people close to Avicii were finishing the album he had almost completed, with familiar voices like Aloe Blacc on ‘SOS.’ “So heartbroken ‘Tim’ is your last album but your songs will get us through as always,” I wrote on Avicii’s memory board on the release date last June.

“We burn faster than light…” —We Burn, Avicii, unreleased

One of my favorite unreleased tracks, ‘Heaven,’ came out on Tim. The rest were songs he had not teased before. Avicii left behind dozens, perhaps hundreds, of tracks that never saw the light of day and many fans, myself included, have a desire for them. ‘We Burn’ and ‘Our Love’ featuring Sandro Cavazza and ‘Stay With You’ featuring Mike Posner, are just a few.

Like his posthumous album, though, we could be getting tunes that have not reached their full potential, by Avicii’s standards. While seeking solace in a familiar sound, we should respect and accept the wishes of his friends and family, who suffered a greater loss than any of us can imagine.

“Yeah you come to raise me up, When I’m beaten and broken up…” —Heaven, Avicii, 2019

When Avicii’s family announced they would be holding a tribute concert for Tim in his hometown of Stockholm, fulfilling his dream of having his songs performed by a 30-piece live band and the original vocalists, I was determined not to miss it for the world. I didn’t care if it meant traveling alone. This time, it was quite the opposite. Two friends stayed up with me until 4 a.m. ET and 1 a.m. PT to secure tickets.

Last December, with an Avicii sweatshirt I designed with “Live a life you will remember” from ‘The Nights,’ I made my way to Sweden. I stayed at a hostel, figuring I could vibe with a bunch of Avicii fans, and sure enough there were devotees from Norway, Dubai, Taiwan. Decked out in Avicii gear, we pre-gamed and caravanned together to Friends Arena.

I’m never sad at dance music shows—they’re my happiest place. But I got teary-eyed at so many moments of the tribute concert. It was the most emotional show I’ve ever been to, shared with more than 60,000 fellow fans from around the world. DJs dropped unreleased collaborations with Avicii, every live song was heartfelt, and the ‘Levels’ finale with indoor fireworks was euphoric.

Perhaps the way to get as close to closure as we can is to continue having tribute concerts, in different cities around the world. I know I’m not alone in saying that Avicii’s music has the power to lift you up from the lowest of lows—and that is how he continues to speak to us.

The post Avicii: Two Years After His Passing, Steps Closer To Closure appeared first on EDMTunes.

Check out the full story on EDM Tunes

#electronic #music #social media #trap #future bass #dubstep #edm #hip-hop #bass music #bass

0 notes

surveysonfleek · 6 years

Text

546.

A! What is your AGE? 26. Have you ever been to ALASKA? nope. Do you want to go to AFRICA? i’ve been before but not to the mainland. What is one of your biggest ACCOMPLISHMENTS? getting a degree. When if ever was the last time you were on an AIRPLANE? back in april this year.

Have you ever eaten ARUGULA? yes. What is your favorite ANIMATED movie? aladdin, mulan and the lion king. Do you have any famous ANCESTORS? nope.

Have you ever seen an ALLIGATOR? yes. Have you ever sprained your ANKLE? i feel like i have. When was the last time you had a doctor APPOINTMENT? i never really make an appointment, i just show up. Do you enjoy doing ART? sure but it depends on the subject matter. Have you ever gotten a celebrity's AUTOGRAPH? yes. Who is your favorite AUTHOR? jk rowling. Have you ever AUDITIONED for anything? no. Are you interested in ASTRONOMY? hmm not so much hey. Do/did you have good ATTENDANCE in school? yes. B! When is your BIRTHDAY? dec 5. What color is your BACKPACK? black. Have you ever done BALLET? nope. Do you know anyone who's expecting a BABY soon? yes, two people from work. Do you have BARBECUES in the summer? yeah sometimes. Does your house have a BASEMENT? nope. Do you enjoy going to the BEACH? hmmm sometimes. not usually tbh. What is your favorite BOOK? the harry potter series. What time do you usually go to BED? usually 3am. What did you eat for BREAKFAST? nothing. Do you know anyone who is BLIND? no. Are you wearing anything that's the color BLUE? nope. Do you know what BOOMWHACKERS are? nope. Have you ever been BLUEBERRY picking? no. Are you wearing a BRACELET? yes. Do you like the song BRIDGE Over Troubled Water? it’s okay. Have you ever slept in a BUNK BED? yes. C! Do you have a CAT? no, i’m not a fan. Do you drink COFFEE? not often. How much CASH is in your wallet right now? nothing, i hate carrying cash. Do you like COUSCOUS? eh, it’s okay. i don’t like nor hate it. How about CHEESECAKE? i prefer mudcake. What kind of CAR do you have? a suzuki alto. What is your favorite kind of COOKIE? any with a soft centre. Have you ever been in a CHOIR? no. Do you enjoy riding CAROUSELS? i’ll only go on it if it’s a short line. Are you sitting in a CHAIR? no, i’m in bed lol. Do you go to CHURCH? nope. What is/was your favorite CLASS in school? visual arts. Do you like COLORING books? depends on the images, but yeah.

Who is your favorite COMPOSER? i don’t have one. Do you like COWS? haha no. What was your favorite Halloween COSTUME? wednesday addams. D! Do you like DUCKS? not really. i don’t hate them though. What is your favorite breed of DOG? corgis. What would you name your DAUGHTER? no idea yet but i’ve loved the name sierra for the longest time. What is today's DATE? nov 16. Are you good at DANCING? not at all. Do you have DECORATIONS on your bedroom walls? nope. just a huge corkboard. When was the last time you saw your DAD? nearly two weeks ago. Have you seen the musical DEAR Evan Hansen? nope. Have you ever seen a DEER in your yard? no, that’d be a shock. Do you own any DIAMOND jewelry? yes. Do you like DOCUMENTARY films? generally yes, depends on the subject. Does your house have a DECK? nope. What's your favorite thing to eat for DINNER? it depends on my mood. How about for DESSERT? usually something warm like waffles, pie etc. Have you ever lived in a DORM? no. What's the last DREAM you remember having? i forgot. E! How do you like your EGGS? scrambled. Are your EARS pierced? yes. Have you ever seen an ECLIPSE? no :( next time! What is an activity you ENJOY? sleeping. Is your favorite animal an ELEPHANT? nope. When is the last time you rode in an ELEVATOR?: ummm. tuesday. Do you know anyone named ELIZABETH? yes, a supervisor at work. Do you believe that everyone should have EQUAL rights? yes.

Have you ever been in an EARTHQUAKE? i don’t think so. Are you EXCITED about anything? i’m excited to eat. i’m starving. Do you get a lot of EXERCISE? not enough. F! Have you ever been to FLORIDA? yes, once. Do you like FISH? yes. Have you ever been to the FAIR? yes. Who was the last FRIEND you hung out with? four of my friends. Do you like FIREFLIES? i’ve only seen them once but they were amazing!! Have you ever wished you could FLY? i’d rather teleport than fly. Do you like FROGS? no. What FOREIGN countries have you visited? singapore, philippines, fiji, usa, canada, uae, mauritius, england, france, italy, belgium, spain, greece, germany, the netherlands, czech republic. i think that’s it... Can you run FAST? nope. Do you have a big FAMILY? yeah kinda. Do you have A FACEBOOK? yes. Do you like FRENCH toast? yes!! Have you ever been to FINLAND? nope. Are you FEMALE? yes. Do you know anyone who lives on a FARM? yes. G! Do you believe in GHOSTS? nah. Are you good at GEOMETRY? nope. What is one of your GOALS? find a good career. Have you ever pet a GOAT? yes. What year did you/are you going to GRADUATE high school? 2009. Are any of your GRANDPARENTS still living? unfortunately not. What GRADE in school was your favorite? 11th i think. When was the last time you gave someone a GIFT? yesterday! Have you ever seen a GRIZZLY bear? i don’t think so. If a GENIE granted you 3 wishes what would you wish for? unlimited money, happiness and health for me and everyone i love. Does your house have a GARDEN? yes, a huge one. What about a GARAGE? yes. Do you like to chew GUM? yes. Have you ever done GYMNASTICS? as a kid. H! What is your HOMETOWN? i live about 30 minutes form my hometown. When's the last time you had a HAIRCUT? maybe three months ago. What HAND do you write with? right. Have you ever ridden a HORSE? yes. Do you like HOT chocolate? yes, but i only ever drink it in winter. When's the last time you ate a HAMBURGER? yesterday. Do you have neat HANDWRITING? not super neat, but it’s legible. What is your favorite HOLIDAY? christmas. Do you like the musical HAMILTON? i haven’t seen it. when i was in nyc this april every show was sold out but people were reselling their tickers for thousands of dollars. no thanks. Are you in HIGH school? nope. Do you enjoy HIKING? no, i hate it with a passion. What is your HEIGHT? 5'4". Who is your HERO? my parents. Are you HUNGRY? nope. I! Do you like ICE in your water? yes. Are you INSIDE right now? yes. What's your favorite INTERNATIONAL food? japanese and chinese. oh, greek food is nice too! and korean! Have you ever been an INTERN anywhere? yes.

Do you use the INTERNET a lot? everyday. What is your favorite musical INSTRUMENT? piano or guitar. What is something you're INTERESTED in? traveling. When was the last time you used INDEX cards? i never really did, not even when i was studying for exams. Do you like the color INDIGO? yes. Have you ever had a job INTERVIEW? yes. What's your favorite ICE cream flavor? cookie dough. J! Are you wearing any JEWELRY? yes, i wear my necklace and bracelet 24/7. Do you like JAZZ music? it sounds good but i don’t actively listen to it. Are you JEALOUS of anyone? no. Do you write in a JOURNAL? nope. What is your dream JOB? something that allows me to travel a lot. Do you know anyone who's a JUDGE? nope. Can you JUMP high? no. Do you know any funny JOKES? eh, not really. What does your favorite JACKET look like? it’s just a plain denim jacket from h&m. Do you know anyone named JOHN? yes. Have you ever played JEOPARDY? no. Have you ever seen a JELLYFISH? yes. How about a JAGUAR? i don’t think i have. not even at a zoo. K! Do you like KALE? from the very few times i’ve had it, it was good. Do you know anyone in KINDERGARTEN? i know someone that will start next year. Aren't KITTENS adorable? i don’t really like cats in general. Do you own a KEY to your house? yes. Do you have any KIDS? nope. Do you own a tea KETTLE? yes. Have you ever seen a KOALA? yes. Do you have a lot of KNOWLEDGE? i do. maybe not as much as other people but whatever. Have you ever worn a KIMONO? yes. Do you like KEBOBS? yes. Do you know anyone who's had a KNEE replacement? no. Are you KIND? for the most part, yes. Do you know how to KNIT? nope. Have you ever sung KARAOKE? yes. Do you always KNOCK before entering a room? not unless i know someone’s in there. L! Do the LEAVES change color where you live? yep. obviously only in autumn. When was the last time you did LAUNDRY? i don’t remember. my mum still insists on doing it coz apparently i don’t do it right. How many LANGUAGES can you speak? two. When was the last time you went to the LIBRARY? no idea. back when i was in uni i think. Do you know anyone who's LEFT-handed? yes. When was the last time you wrote a LETTER? i wrote a quick birthday message in a card yesterday for my friend, does that count? Post some LYRICS from the song you're listening to: not listening to anything. Do you have a driver's LICENSE? yes. Is there a LIGHT on near you? yes. Have you ever seen a LION? yes. LOOK out the nearest window. What do you see? the street. Do you buy LOCAL food? yes. Have you ever eaten LOBSTER? yes. How LONG is the song you're listening to now? not listening to anything. Do you like LEMONS?: only to compliment food. M! Are you good at MATH? very basic maths i guess. What is your favorite genre of MUSIC? rnb, hip hop, neo soul. Have you received any MAIL recently? yes. What is your MOM'S name? rather not say. Do you believe in MAGIC? no. i do love illusions though. Do you wear MAKEUP? yes. Have you ever been in a MADRIGALS group? nope. Do you put MAPLE syrup on your pancakes? yes! What is one of your favorite MEMORIES? any time i’ve gone traveling. What would you do with a MILLION dollars? pay off debts, give some to family, invest in a house and save the rest. Are there any words you often MISPRONOUNCE? probably. Can you see the MOON right now? nope. Do you enjoy going to MUSEUMS? yes, i’ll happily visit any museum. When did you last use a MICROWAVE? today. Do you drink MILK? only soy or lactose free. What were you doing at MIDNIGHT last night? sleeping. Do you MISS anyone? yes. N! Do you like your NEIGHBORS? i don’t really talk to any of them. Have you ever been in the NEWSPAPER? yes haha. Do you have a NICKEL in your wallet? yes. Is it NIGHTTIME? yes. Do you have any NIECES? yes kinda, they’re my cousin’s daughters. How about NEPHEWS? same ^ but my cousin’s sons. When is the last time you wrote in a NOTEBOOK? i don’t remember. Have you ever been to NEW York City? yes. What is your favorite/lucky NUMBER? 7. What makes you NOSTALGIC? looking at old photos, listening to old songs, watching old videos and/or movies. Do you have any NICKNAMES? yes, plenty. Do you ever take NAPS? only if i haven’t had enough sleep. Do you enjoy spending time in NATURE? not usually, but i can. Do you know anyone who has a NEWFOUNDLAND (the dog)? nope. Were you born in the NINETEEN NINETIES? yes. When was the last time you read a NOVEL? a couple weeks ago. O! Do you like to eat OATMEAL? nope. Have you ever been to the OCEAN? yes. Do you work in an OFFICE? no.

Are there any OAK trees in your yard? no. Do you like OLIVES? no, i hate them. Have you ever seen a live ORCHESTRA? yes. Have you ever been to the ORTHODONTIST? nope. Are you ORGANIZED? yeah kinda. Do you like OTTERS? yeah, they’re cute. What is your favorite OUTFIT? just a plain summer dress or a tee and leggings. When is the last time you were OUTSIDE? just then. Have you ever been to The OUTBACK Steakhouse? yes. What is something you're OBSESSED with? netflix lol. Is there a door OPEN nearby? nope.

Are you part of any ORGANIZATIONS? not really unless you count the union at work. P! Do you have a PUPPY? yeah but he’s not a puppy anymore, he’s an oldie. Do you like PAINTING? i haven’t painted in years. Have you ever had a PEN PAL? yes, just my cousin lol. Do you own any PALAZZO pants? nope. What's your favorite kind of PIZZA? meat lovers. What are you PASSIONATE about? tbh i’m not sure. is that bad lol. What's the best PERFORMANCE you've ever been to? beyonce. Do you get along with your PARENTS? yes. What's the last thing you PAID for? presents for my god daughter. What kind of PHONE do you have? iphone 7. Can you play the PIANO? i can but very basic stuff. What is your favorite kind of PIE? apple. Is PURPLE your favorite color? not my fave but i still like it. Have you ever been to a PLANETARIUM? yes. Do you like POETRY? not really. Do you carry a PURSE? yes. Q! Do you like answering QUESTIONS? sure. Is it QUIET in the room right now? yes. Have you ever made a QUILT? nope. Have you ever been in a QUARTET? no. Did you ever collect state QUARTERS? no. When did you last have a QUIZ in school? no idea, maybe five years ago. What is your favorite QUOTE? i don’t have one. Do you ever QUACK like a duck? umm nope lol. R! How often do you listen to the RADIO? every now and then when i do short driving trips. Do you like to READ? yes. Is it RAINING? no. it was earlier though. Have you ever been to a RALLY? nope. Name 3 things in your REFRIGERATOR: ketchup, cheese, water. Have you ever had a REHEARSAL for something? yes. Have you ever been to a RENAISSANCE festival? nope. What makes you feel RELAXED? massages. Does your family have REUNIONS? yes. What is your favorite RESTAURANT? i depends which cuisine. but i do love any kbbq. Have you ever sat on your ROOF? nope. Do you have a ROOMMATE? no, just family. Do you have a Labrador or Golden RETRIEVER? nope. Do you know anyone who is RETIRED? yes. Do you like RASPBERRIES? they’re okay. When you go to an event do you buy REFRESHMENTS? yes. S! Have you ever been SAILING? not proper sailing. Do you ever shop at a SALVATION Army? i have before. Do you like to eat free SAMPLES in the grocery store? sure. Do you have a SISTER? yes. Can you speak SPANISH? no. What SCHOOL do you go to? I'm not in school. Do you like the game SCRABBLE? yes. Have you ever been to SPAIN? yes. Have you ever been in a SPELLING bee? no. Name someone you know who is an amazing SINGER: eh... idk lol. When was the last time you saw a SQUIRREL? when i was in usa. Does it SNOW a lot where you live? it has never snowed here. Are you wearing SOCKS? nope. Do you own a SKETCHBOOK? yes, but i don’t use it.

When was the last time you took a SHOWER? today. Do you know the song from West Side Story called SOMEWHERE? idk. T! Who was the last person you TEXTED? my boyfriend. Do you like to drink TEA? i do but very rarely. Have you ever played a TAMBOURINE? yes. Who is/was your favorite TEACHER? tbh i didn’t have one. Do you like to shop at TARGET? yes. Do you have a TAPESTRY in your room? nope. What's the TEMPERATURE outside? idk probably around 20 degrees c. What is your favorite T-SHIRT? my oversized striped one. Do you own a TEDDY bear? no. Are you a TEENAGER? no. Are you interested in THEATER? not really. What TIME is it? 12:28am. Do you have a TRAMPOLINE? nope. Can you read music in TREBLE clef? nope lol. Have you ever had a pet TURTLE? no. Have you ever TUTORED anyone? yeah kinda. U! What is UNDER your bed? a lot of junk and early christmas presents that i’ve bought. Have you ever had to wear a UNIFORM for anything? yes, work. When was the last time you saw your UNCLE? in april. Do you go to a UNIVERSITY? no i already graduated. Do you live in an URBAN area? yes. When was the last time you used an UMBRELLA? i forgot. Do you know anyone who is a UNITARIAN? nope. Have you ever been an USHER? nope. Can you UNDERSTAND other languages? yes. What makes you UNIQUE? just the way i look i guess. When was the last time you went UPSTAIRS? just then. How many months are there UNTIL your birthday? less than a month. V! Do you know anyone who is a VEGETARIAN? nope. When did you last use a VACUUM cleaner? last week. Where is the last place you went on VACATION? vegas. Do you know anyone who plays the VIOLIN? nope. Have you ever wanted to be a VETERINARIAN? no. What countries would you like to VISIT? japan and the bahamas. Have you ever taken VOICE lessons? nope. What was the last thing you bought from a VENDING machine? a drink. Have you ever been to Martha's VINEYARD? nope. How about VERMONT? no. Do you like VANILLA ice cream? no. Have you ever VOLUNTEERED anywhere? yes. Are you registered to VOTE? yes. Do you have perfect VISION? no. i wish! W! Do you drink a lot of WATER? yes i do actually. What's in your WALLET? license, debit card, credit card, membership cards. Do you wear a WATCH? not since my apple watch broke :( What is the WALLPAPER on your computer? it’s of cityscapes all over the world. it changes every five minutes i think. Have you ever read the WARRIORS books? no. Can you WHISTLE? yes. Do you like WOLVES? tbh i’ve never seen any irl. What is your favorite WORD? fiasco. Is it WINDY outside? no. Have you ever painted with WATERCOLORS? yes. What time did you WAKE up today? midday. Are there any WATERFALLS near where you live? nope. Have you ever seen a WHALE? yes. If you have a dog does it WAG its tail a lot? whenever he sees anyone. Have you ever been to WASHINGTON, DC? yes. Have you ever been to a WEDDING? yes. X! Have you ever had an X-RAY? yes. Can you play the XYLOPHONE? i mean i can but i can’t play anything nice lol. Can you speak or understand XHOSA? nope. Y! Does your house have a big YARD? yeah, it’s huge. Have you ever done YOGA? no. Do you like YOGURT? sometimes. Do you have a YEARBOOK from high school? yes. Are you wearing anything that is the color YELLOW? nope. Have you ever had a YARD sale? no. What YEAR were you born? 1990. Have you ever heard the song YOU Will Be Found? nope. Have you ever been part of a YOUTH group? yes. What did you do YESTERDAY? had dinner with friends. What's something YUMMY you ate recently? tacos. What's the last YOUTUBE video you watched? some buzzfeed video of a girl going on a date with a real life vampire lmao. Z! Have you ever seen a ZEBRA? yes. What is your ZODIAC sign? sagittarius. Are you wearing anything with a ZIPPER? nope. Have you ever seen the movie ZOOTOPIA? yes, it was cute, Do you use ZIPLOCK bags? no. Do you know anyone named ZOE? no. Have you ever been to ZIMBABWE? no.

#survey #surveys #quiz #bored #questions

1 note · View note

jessylaurenxo · 7 years

Text

The story of us

** this may affect some people. DV triggers, miscarriage triggers, suicidal triggers**

I am in need of some serious advice/help. I have a long, emotional story that I need to share, so please bare with me. I have kept this to myself for a long time. No one I know really knows my story. People who don’t know what’s going on, look at me like there’s nothing wrong with me. They judge me and they talk about me like I’m making all this up in my head, that I’m crazy or something. So I need to do this for me. I need to help them understand what’s going on in my head. Or at least try. I’m so sorry if this triggers anyone or upsets anyone in any way. It’s hard to talk about, and it still really, really hurts. So please be understanding and try to keep an open mind. Some of you may work out who I am from this post; if you know me well enough and can read through the lines. But you won’t have known the full story. Not until now.

I have decided to turn to you all, because I’m at wits end and I don’t really have anywhere else to go at this point. I have been in hospital, seen psychiatrists, psychologists, doctors etc. I have been on antidepressants for quite some time now, and I have surrounded myself with my friends and family as much as possible. None of which has really helped. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety & PTSD, which began from the age of 15. I constantly think about ending my life. Last night I wrote a goodbye letter to my family and planned on taking 5 different types of painkillers. But I told myself that I’d tell my story first. At least that way I didn’t die without finally explaining everything. You see, I was in a 7 year relationship. And I’d like to say I don’t love him or care about him anymore, but I still do. No matter what he’s done to me, I stupidly still think the world of him. Because he was my first love. Admittedly we’ve been on and off for 7 years. For many reasons. Some of which I’ll explain in detail soon. But we recently only just ended it with each other officially 3 months ago. He blocked me on everything after that. It was physically impossible to get through to him. I tried to contact him when he’d finally unblock me off of something. Sometimes I’d get a message through here and there and he’d reply. But it was the same stuff every time. He’d yell at me and block me again. 2 days ago I managed to send another message through to him. He replied and we had a somewhat civil conversation. He then showed up at my place last night. We talked and he fought with me and blamed me for everything that went wrong in our relationship. He told me he didn’t love me anymore. Which was a massive kick to the chest because you can’t just stop loving someone after being with them for 7 years. It’s not possible. I think he didn’t mean it, but he was out to hurt me any way he could. The man standing in front of me wasn’t the man I fell in love with back in 2010. He looked the same. But his heart had changed and he was hostile and I had never known him to be like this, ever. He told me he had slept with someone not long after we broke up. He matched with them on tinder or POF. He had been seeing women from the moment we ended it and I was sitting around at home waiting for him to show up. Still in love with him. Thinking that it was just a silly little fight and we’d sort it out soon. Stupid fucking me. It explained why he was being so cruel to me. He knew he had slept with other people and that made him cocky. He knew I had been hurting and waiting for him. He knew he could hurt me and he did. Since he left I’ve been on a downward spiral. I can’t understand how he claimed to have loved me so much, but he moved on so quickly. My heart is the most broken its ever been. Sharing my life with him for 7 years and losing a child to him and having all these plans to spend forever together just keeps replaying in my head. I can’t escape it. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

It all began back in February 2009. I was 15 years old and on my way to my cousins’ 21st birthday party. Unaware at that point, I would meet my first ever true love. I mean, I had boyfriends before him. They mattered I guess, but they weren’t as emotional or meaningful. Just high school bullshit (getting cheated on etc). This relationship was different. I knew it from the moment I laid eyes on him that this was going to be different. Something I would take with me for the rest of my life. I kid you not though, the second I saw him, something hit me. I don’t know what.. I don’t even know how to explain it. I literally got goosebumps and everything stopped for what seemed like an eternity. I told myself that maybe it was a sign that he was ‘the one’. He made his way over to me and introduced himself. He was a high school friend of my cousins’. He was handsome.. with deep brown eyes and black hair. Not much taller than me, and quite a skinny build. But nonetheless, he took my breath away each time he smiled. A part of me knew at this moment that I was done for. He was 20 at that stage. We exchanged numbers that night, and we chatted here and there for about a year. He dated my other cousin for 6 months following the 21st party. He also lost his virginity to her. They broke up due to many things, although I don’t think I ever got the full story. I don’t think I ever will. We didn’t officially start dating until the following year. On the 12th of February 2010, I had arranged to meet him outside McDonalds in my hometown after school. I took my best friend along for support, and he had his best friend there with him too. We met up and we talked for ages. He then asked the big question: “Will you go out with me?”. My heart was so happy. Of course I said yes.

It was the beginning of something incredible.. and also something horrific.

We were inseparable. Or at least we tried to be. He lived and worked an hour away, and I still lived at home with my parents. We could only see each other on the weekends, which didn’t always go to plan because I never told my family about him that early on. They didn’t approve of a 20 year old dating a 15 year old. Which is completely understandable. So we had to sneak around for a long time to see each other. After 2 months of being together, he began to become odd. He was irritable and snappy. He told me that he wanted to have sex with me. In fact, he more so pushed for it and begged me for it. I was 15 and never had sex before. I was frightened and I knew I wasn’t ready for it. He threatened to leave me if I didn’t do it. Called me all these names and made me feel like shit. I didn’t want to lose him, so I built up the courage and I had sex with him. I lost my virginity to him in the front seat of his car, parked out in the bush. He tore me and I bled a bit. I was a nervous wreck and I didn’t enjoy it at all. All I could think of was the pain. I let him get off and I sat there shaking the entire time. He told me I’d get over it.. that it wasn’t right to make a man wait for sex. And because I loved him, I dropped it and just got on with life. From there our sex life began. The first few times were terrible, but eventually it got better and better and we did it all the time, sometimes 5-10 times a day. Our sex life was always great. The first 2 years of our relationship was relatively normal. We had our ups and downs, just like everyone else, but nothing too extreme. For the first 2 ½ years though, we lived away from each other. It was when I had just turned 19 that we decided to finally move in together. I hadn’t found a job where he lived, so the plan was to drive back and forth to my hometown to work at the job I had there until something else came up. That was all well and good, until I was made redundant as the business went under. I had no money and I was scared to be moving away from my family, but we had already found a place to live, so we made the decision to move in together even though he would have to support us for a while. I applied for hundreds of jobs in the first few weeks. Not one call. For 3 months I was jobless. All we did was fight. He was mad because he had to support us. He was only on a small tradie wage, so he didn’t take home too much money. Just enough to get us by. I stayed home cleaning the house all day and applying for jobs as best I could. Eventually something came up. But it was 6 hours a week worth of a job. I worked as a merchandiser and demonstrated products to customers. It wasn’t much but it made me a small amount of cash. But I admit I was immature and stupid back then. Instead of giving him the money to help us out, I used it to pay for my own bills here and there, and also bought unnecessary things. It didn’t help that the household was hostile though. I did/bought whatever I could to cheer myself up. We fought every day. I felt like I had no way out. I called my mum up to 10 times a day, and sat on Facebook trying to talk to family and friends, then got yelled at because my phone bill was through the roof. I had no friends down there, I had no one to talk to but him. He was always mad at me though. Which made it hard to want to be there. So this is where the depression kicked in. I tried to kill myself on many occasions. I slit my wrists, I tried to hang myself, I locked myself in my car and tried to gas myself, I tried to overdose, I tried to drink chemicals. All to which he saved me from. He then became violent and abusive. He broke many things during our fights. He threw things, punched walls, knocked things over, ripped up precious memories of us and broke things that I’ll never get back. Our fights were petty. They were the result of us struggling. He took his anger out on me and everything around him. At the start he’d only break things, but as things got harder and harder he started to use me as his punching bag. I remember two particular times that I need to tell you about that are very important. The first time was when I met a friend from school down there who I started hanging out with (let’s call her Erin). She knew things weren’t good in our relationship as I confided in her, and we started spending time together to take my mind off of things. She experienced his true dark side. One night we planned a girls night. We were going to go out drinking and it was her shout. I don’t particularly like drinking or clubbing. It’s never really been my thing, but she wanted to cheer me up, so I agreed to go. I told my boyfriend about it earlier in the week and he was fine with me going. That night he watched me be all excited to go out, do my make up, he even helped me zip up my dress and told me to stay safe. But suddenly he changed. He went quiet. It was like a switch had flicked. It all happened so quickly. I was all ready to go and Erin was on her way over in a cab to pick us up. I told him goodbye and that I loved him. I began walking towards the door. But he put his arm out and coat-hangered me. He knocked me to the ground and started to choke me, saying I wasn’t going out and that I needed to call her and tell her I wasn’t coming. He shredded the dress off of my body. Into tiny little pieces. Right in front of me. He ripped my bra and panties off and shredded them as if they were paper. He snapped the heels off my shoes, all the while with his grip still holding me down. I tried to fight him to get free but he was too strong. So I lay there naked and defenceless. I was crying in hysterics. Begging for him to stop. He yelled at me so close to my face that I had a bruise show up on my forehead from the pressure of his head against mine. He yelled until I started to go deaf in one ear. It rang for the next 2 weeks. To this day I still can’t hear out of it properly. He used to do that in every fight we ever had. Grab my head and scream at me/in my ear. He’d spit all over my face and there were times where he’d even bite me. He grabbed my phone and screamed at me to messaged her. “I’m sorry Hun, I’m starting to feel sick, I won’t be coming tonight..”. I tried to make it sound as normal as possible. She must have known something wasn’t right. She didn’t ask questions though. We slept in separate beds that night. He apologised the next morning and we got on with our life.

The second time was worse. He always told me if I ever got a tattoo he would leave me. He said tattoos were for sluts. And that every girl that had one was a skank. I have always loved tattoos and wanted them, but I was never allowed to get one. One day I was out shopping with Erin. He called after he finished work and asked me where I was. I told him where and not long after he showed up. He didn’t say hello, not even a hug, the only words that came out of his mouth were: “I’m going to the football tonight with my mates”. They had corporate box seats. I became upset. I was never allowed to go anywhere or do anything without his permission. He controlled my every move, but he could do whatever he wanted and it really hurt. I waited until we got home to tell him how much it upset me, but he still said he was going. I had gotten a job at the footy stadium so that meant I was working the footy game. It didn’t bother me that I had to work, it bothered me that he put rules down that I had to follow or I’d get in trouble, but if he wanted to do something there was no way I could stop him. He went out drinking and doing things without me all the time. If I even went for a drive somewhere to clear my head and he found out, he’d tell me I was costing him money on fuel and it would start world war 3. I was confined to the house and I hated it. So I found my balls and said, “if you go to the football then I’m going to get a tattoo”. He told me exactly what I knew he would. “I will leave you if you do.” Erin had witnessed the whole fight standing in our living room. I grabbed her by the arm and walked out. We drove to the nearest tattoo parlour and I got my first tattoo. I didn’t exactly get what I really wanted. A rash decision made in hast. I was still happy with it though. It had meaning to me. And I could have added a whole lot more to it down the track. He told his family and friends about it, and said it didn’t have meaning. That I was just stupid, and spun the story into a lie to make him look like the good guy, and made me out to be someone I wasn’t. I drove home and he wasn’t there. He came home not long after and he saw my arm. He went so red that he almost turned blue. He started packing my stuff and throwing it out the door. Strangely though, he started emptying the fridge first, before packing anything, which made me think that something wasn’t right with him. He threw all the cold stuff on the driveway and then began packing my stuff. He chucked most of that out on the driveway too. He also cut all the power cords to our appliances so that I 'couldn’t cost him anymore money’. I was baffled by that one. The police also found that one strange. They had never known anyone to do that. He told me if I wanted to stay with him I needed to get it removed the next day. He didn’t understand that it needed to heal first. But I told him that this was my way of standing up for myself. He walked all over me all the time and it hurt. I did what I had to do. Even though I’m not proud of it. He went to the football and got drunk. I went to work and worked my ass off for the whole game. I got home around 11pm and he was still out drinking. He stumbled through the door around 1am. I had Erin spending the night with me just in case. I told her things may get hostile. She was prepared. I asked her to pretend to call the police if she felt it was getting too much, just to try to scare him a little. Hopefully enough for him not to hurt me. He was very drunk. He started yelling at me. Calling me a slut, etc. I fought back and tried to explain to him how it felt to be in my position. He was drawing the life out of me. Even though I loved him so much. He began to break stuff. He grabbed me and he hit me. Multiple times. He pushed me over and held me down and started to choke me. I felt myself nearly fall unconscious before he let go. I glimpsed up at Erin who had done what I asked. She pretended to call the police. She had his attention. He released me and walked over to her. Unfortunately he called her bluff and saw that the screen light on her phone was still on and that she hadn’t called anyone at all. He told her off and then he turned back to me and started yelling again. This time Erin was frightened for her own safety. He was getting out of control, walking around breaking things and telling me he wished I was dead. He grabbed me again and I thought that this time I may not get free. He was too drunk to reason with. She dialled 000 and in the midst of him choking me and screaming at me I managed to get out a small 'No!’. She had already started talking to someone, saying she needed help, but when she heard me she hung up. He knew she wasn’t kidding this time. He freaked out and ran out the door and up the street. We jumped in the car and tried to find him but without any luck. The police kept calling and calling. They had every right too. You see, as much as I knew that what was happening between us was wrong, I loved him too much to ever call the police on him. I told Erin to answer the call and tell them that everything was fine and that it was just a misunderstanding. They said they needed to come out and see for themselves just in case. I returned back to the house after an hour of searching for him, and he was sitting in our carport with two police officers. He had told them the truth just in case we had already told them. He wanted to go out an honest person. That night they put a DVO against him. NOT ME. The police. I never wanted it. People believe I put it on him, but that’s not true. I fought SO HARD to protect him but they were concerned for my safety. My hair was a mess, my clothes were ripped, I had blood and bruising and bite marks on my body that were visible from our struggle. They did what they thought was right. And from then on, he never looked at me the same way again. He went to bed without one word to me. Erin stayed the night just for support. I took Erin home the next day and she never stayed again. When he finally started talking to me again, our fights got even worse. I knew I needed to leave. I was hurting him being there. I had organised my family to come take me home and help me move. I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t know how we’d get through this. We had neighbours in a unit next door that we became friends with. We’d chat all the time. One day during the week I was planning to move, he and I got into another fight. The worst I had ever experienced. The house was trashed. He took all his anger out on me. All of it. He held nothing back. He blamed me for everything that went wrong in his life. He told me I costed him too much money and that I was a whore and that I didn’t love him. He destroyed everything in his path. Punched walls, doors, windows, and me. I remember standing at opposite sides of the kitchen bench. He was seeing red with how angry he was. I was petrified. I tried to calm him down, to reason with him the best I could. I begged for us to stop fighting. I loved him so much and seeing him this way killed me. He grabbed a knife out of the block, reached over the bench, grabbed me by my hair and held it to my throat. He threatened to cut me up into tiny pieces and bury me where no one would ever find me. He pretended to run the knife across my neck and then he threw me back. To this day he claims he never said that. That I made it all up in my head. But I won’t ever forget it. He then threw the knife and in his anger he started smashing bench. He hit the liquid dishwashing detergent bottle. It exploded and got me right in my eyes. I fell to the floor in pain. Our yelling must have gotten heard by our neighbours but they didn’t come running straight away. In panic, he grabbed me by my hair and started to drag me up the hallway to the bathroom. I couldn’t see. I was scared to move. He just dragged me by my hair the whole way. I had a bleeding scalp from how hard he pulled. He yanked my head under the tap and turned the water on. I began to struggle to breathe underneath his grip. I thought to myself, 'this is it, this is how I’m going to die..’ I tried to tell him I couldn’t breathe but he wasn’t listening to me. My nose was blocked from crying so much that I knew at any second he was going to drown me. I had no oxygen. He was just holding me there. I tapped on his hand constantly and tried to make him let go but in his anger he wouldn’t listen. Suddenly there was a man in the room and the grip on my hair was released. I looked up through painful eyes to see he was pinned my his neck to the bathroom wall getting screamed at by one of our neighbours. I knew he was going to beat the shit out of him if I hadn’t of stepped in. I screamed 'No! Please don’t hurt him!’. The father and son next door had come running to save me. The son checked to see if I was okay. They wouldn’t leave until we explained to them what was happening. I told them as little as I could to try to help my partner. They told him to get help. And begged for me to leave him. Then we never saw them again. I moved out that week and we broke up. He claims that he went into a serious depression and that he was going to kill himself. I never saw it though. It became an endless roller coaster of us breaking up and getting back together again. This went on for years. We never moved back in together though. I ended up getting my own place. And he moved in with work mates. When things were good he’d stay with me. When things were bad I didn’t hear from him for long periods of time. The place I lived in last year, I had wonderful neighbours. He and I had a silly fight one night and I accidentally pushed him into my glass sliding door. Thankfully he didn’t get too hurt. Just a few cuts, but I was so upset. I apologised profusely. We stopped fighting immediately and I helped him. The neighbours came running because they heard the smash of the glass breaking. I wear glasses and I have terrible eyesight at night and the lights were off and I didn’t see the door there at all. Luckily it wasn’t up to door safety regulation as it didn’t have the white stripe that goes through the middle of it to make it visible at night, so I was so lucky that the real estate replaced it for me. He claims to this day that I did it on purpose. He also claims he went through the door, when really he was still on the inside with me, I know because I was still holding on to him when it shattered. I was so grateful he was okay. I bandaged him up and we stopped fighting. But afterwards he went and lied and told everyone that I was violent and crazy. Mind you his family hadn’t spoken to me in 3 years. He ran to them every time something went wrong and told them so many lies about me that they refused to have anything to do with me. For 3 years I had no contact with any of his family. As far as I know, they all hate me. They never gave me the chance to make things right. They just pushed for him to leave me. Told him I was bad for him. And he listened. He made no effort to tell them the truth. He lied to them about us dating, he lied to them about anything he could to make him look like the good person, when really it was BOTH OUR FAULTS. He never took responsibility for his actions. And now I have to live with the suffering of them everyday while he’s out sleeping around and enjoying his life. The police didn’t get called that night, but I told him this time round that it was my fault. That I took the blame for it. He was welcome to press charges for me pushing him into the door if he felt I deserved them. But he never did. Before I moved out of that place, he and I had one last serious fight. I had decided to move back home and be with my family because I found out I was incapable of having children. My body didn’t develop right and so the doctors told me I may never fall pregnant. They told me the time to try was now if I ever wanted to become a mother. But I knew my partner would never want a baby with me. He always said he wanted kids, but he refused to get married. I knew he wasn’t ready for kids though. He had recently gone through cancer treatment and was dealing with his own demons. The last thing he would have wanted was a kid. And so I suffered in silence. I wasn’t myself. He didn’t pick up on it though and as stupid as it is, it made me so upset. I told him I was moving and that I was leaving him. I gave him no reason why. With the unit almost empty, on one of the last nights I was there, he begged me to stay. He told me he’d buy me everything I sold and that he’d move in with me. But I couldn’t believe anything he was saying because he always made promises that he didn’t keep. He told me over and over again every time we fought that he never wanted to live with me again. That he didn’t see us lasting. Finding out about my infidelity broke me more than I ever thought was possible. Because I wanted nothing more than to start a family with him and finally be happy. I felt like if I had stayed, I was just going to let him down and that he’d never be happy with me because he’d eventually want children and I wouldn’t be able to give him what he wanted. It tore me to shreds to leave. But I knew he’d never understand. So I left. I moved back home to be closer to my family. They knew what was going on and knew I needed support. I still had a few more days left with the unit though, so I stayed in it while it was empty. He came around one night and eventually he got everything out of me. He was hurt and told me he would have still stayed with me even if I couldn’t have kids. That we could have tried IVF or adopted or something. He told me if I had or just told him what was going on, he could have helped me through it. But I was so broken, I just felt so ashamed and hurt, that I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. He eventually understood where I was coming from but he told me that he wasn’t going to take me back this time round. It broke me even more when I heard that. I didn’t end up staying with my family. I was literally there for a week and decided it was too much. I started applying for more jobs back where I was and found another place to live as well. I moved back and while we had been on a break, he had planned to go overseas to America for 3 weeks at the last minute with some fiends, because he wasn’t coping very well either. That killed me. Because this was his first time overseas and I had hoped that he and I would do it together. I’ve never been out of the country, and we had always planned to start off small and go to Bali or somewhere to get a feel of travelling before taking on bigger and better places. He had all these plans. I think that’s what hurts the most. Is that I have to try and somehow move on like they never even existed. While he was in America, we talked and we sort of fixed things. He came home and we made love. I had missed him so much. It was so good to have him hold me and touch me. Things were okay for a while after that. While he was away though, I had been doing tests and getting ultrasounds and things done to better understand what was wrong with my body. I had been taking medications that were playing up with my pill. I thought I was protected, but turns out I wasn’t. And a miracle happened. I conceived. On the day he got back from America to be exact. But, I didn’t know I was pregnant. Until I wasn’t anymore. I miscarriaged at work. Blood ran down my legs and I didn’t know what was happening. I told my boss I needed to go home and she saw all the blood. She called an ambulance and I went to hospital. Everything from there on was a blur. They told me I had miscarriaged. That I was pregnant for a whole month. They told me I lost it as a result of my body rejecting it. And I couldn’t understand why my body rejected it. I beat myself up over it so much that I very nearly didn’t come back from it. I kept asking God why he was doing this to me. Thinking I’d get an answer. Begging for him to help me. And it breaks my heart knowing that I carried a child, the child of a man that I loved so much, for such a long period of time and I had no idea that it was there. I hated myself. I felt disgusted and disappointed. I was a horrible mother, a horrible person. I kicked myself down more than anyone else. I was my worst critic. I tried so hard to fight the demons inside of me but they very nearly won this time round. I had no idea how I was supposed to tell my boyfriend. He once again didn’t pick up anything was wrong. So I found myself driving home to see my mum. I told her everything. My partner didn’t know I had left for the weekend. And I was avoiding talking to him because I was trying to deal with and accept everything myself. I was struggling to comprehend what was happening. Eventually I told myself he needed to know. I picked up the phone and I called him. I had no idea what I was going to say, but I had to say it anyway. “I had a miscarriage at work yesterday”. He was silent. He thought about it for a moment and then I explained further, telling him exactly when I conceived and how. And he understood. But he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t there to tell him in person. Because as per usual I try to run from the pain instead of deal with it head on. I told him I didn’t know how to tell him and that I was scared he would hate me. He began to get upset and I the only thing I could think of, was that he literally didn’t even care that I lost his child. I didn’t even give him the chance to let it sink it. I just assumed it meant nothing to him. And I think that really broke him. It broke me too when I realised how stupid that was of me to believe. Of course he would have cared. But that was the beginning of the end for us. He couldn’t get passed me not telling him straight away, and how I believed he didn’t care about it when he did. Although he never said he did out loud. He told me the last time we ever broke up, that he hoped I’d miscarriage every kid I ever fell pregnant with. That hurt more than ANYTHING he ever said or did in our 7 years together. In retaliation I told him that I hoped he’d die of cancer. Which broke my heart. Because I wanted nothing more, and still to this day, want nothing more than for him to be happy and healthy and live a long and wonderful life. So there you have it. The story of the best and worst 7 years of my life. I often wish I could go back and change everything, get a second chance to make things right. But I know I’ll never get that chance. I know that he doesn’t love me like he once did anymore and that I’ve done too much damage to fix things. I wanted to share my story and get it off my chest. I wanted someone to read it and maybe have it help someone with what they’re going through or help them decide to stay or leave their relationship. If I can help one person from this, that is more than enough for me. I’m still struggling to live without him everyday. I still miss him and love him. He’s not dead, but it feels as though he is and I can’t escape that feeling. I know there’s no coming back this time. He’s moved on and he’s happy. And that’s all I’ve ever wanted for him. To be happy. He will forever be a massive part of my life and I will take our memories with me wherever I go. To anyone that knows him and I, to any of our friends and family that may be on here, who have figured out who I am.. I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused and all the mistakes I’ve made. I’m sorry if I ever hurt anyone in any way. I’m trying so hard to be okay with him not being around anymore. No one will ever understand just how much he means to me. Even after all the things he’s said and done. No one will understand why I stood by him as long as I did. Stupidity, maybe in the eyes of some, but when you’re in love, you’re blind. And even though this love was a lesson that tested every limit I ever had, it’s a lesson I’m so grateful for. Love is a two way street, he did a lot to break me, but I know I’m not innocent either. We all make mistakes. I wish I could go back and fix mine. Maybe then he’d still be here. Once again, this is something I am dealing with everyday. It’s still very fresh and it hurts more than you can imagine. Please be kind or at least keep an open mind to what you have read. I’m so sorry for all of the DV/suicide victims/survivors out there and the beautiful women that have lost the babies they never got to hold or meet, I know how it feels. I live with it every day, the same as you. You are all so beautiful and strong, please don’t ever forget it. Take from this what you will, but don’t ever give up hope. I’m still fighting even though I don’t want to live most days. And I will continue to fight as long as I can. Thank you for reading. Stay strong x

#depression #you #destroyed me #broken #hurt #pain #breakup #empty #alone #suicide #suicidal #domesticviolence #heartbroken

1 note · View note

starsinursa · 7 years

Text

Shout-out to @saminzat for tagging me! Like I needed an excuse to waste time. ;)

LAST

1) Drink: Coffee... it’s like 10 p.m. at night, but I’m trying to stay awake to finish some work from the office (and yet I’m on tumblr doing this quiz instead, oops).

2) Phone call: A coworker called me so I’d have her new phone number.

3) Text message: “FYI, they don’t give you the money right back, you have to wait 4 - 6 WEEKS for a check in the mail, uggggh”. I bailed the same coworker out of jail about three months ago and went to the city municipal court today to get the bail money back... turns out things aren’t that simple.

4) Song listened to: Umm...so I’ve been listening to the Moana soundtrack pretty much non-stop for the last week. :D

5) Time you cried: A couple of weeks ago, reading the fic “Cursed or Not” for the first time (hey, you get to chapter 18 and try not to ugly cry, okay?).

HAVE YOU EVER

6) Dated somebody twice: Yep. Good ol’ high school.

7) Been cheated on: Not that I know of.

8) Kissed someone and regretted it: Yep. Good ol’ college.

9) Lost someone special: Yes, a couple of times.

10) Been depressed: Yep, special shout-out to my Prozac and Wellbutrin, love you guys. ;)

11) Gotten drunk and puked: Yes, a few times, unfortunately. Again, good ol’ college (although I can’t use that excuse for the last time because I had already graduated... to whomever had to clean out that train car up in Minneapolis, MN, about 2.5 years ago: I am so, so sorry, I’ve learned my lesson about taking it easy on the Everclear, you have every right to hate me).

THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS

12) Green

13) Purple

14) Blue

IN THE LAST YEAR YOU HAVE YOU

15) Made new friends: Kind of? Do work friends count?

16) Fallen out of love: Nah, gotta be in love for that

17) Laughed until you cried: Yes, most recently was while watching “Impractical Jokers” with my aunt (they took a guy who is terrified of cats and made him teach an improv “how to bond with your cat” class, okay, I found it hilarious as a cat-owner).

18) Found out someone was gossiping about you: Yeah, there’s a lot of gossip about everyone at my second job. Look, I’m sorry I go through all the water bottles, okay? I drink a lot of water...

19) Met someone who changed your life: Not anyone specific in the last year that I can think of...

20) Found out who your true friends are: Meh. I’ve always kinda known.

21) Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nah

HOW MANY/MUCH

22) Facebook friends: 256

23) Pets: Two! One dog, one cat, the best of both worlds.

24) Want to change your name: Nah, I like my name.

WHAT

25) Did I get for my birthday: Books, I always ask for books.

26) Time I woke up: Around 8:30 a.m. this morning

27) Were you doing at midnight: Probably surfing tumblr, tbh, I am sadly predictable

28) Can’t you wait for: MY VACATION THIS NEXT WEEK

29) Was the last time you saw your mom: A couple of weeks ago when I went home for a dentist appointment

30) Is something you wish you could change about your life: I need to buckle down and really focus on paying off a couple of bills. It helps having a second job, but I’m just so impatient.

31) Are you listening to right now: Nothing at the mo

32) Gets on your nerves: Whiners. Don’t get me wrong, I love to bitch and complain as much as the next person, but people who blame the world/ everyone else for their problems? Just....yeah.

33) Talked to a person named Tom: ...this question doesn’t make any sense. “What - talked to a person named Tom”? Also, no, I know several Tims, but no Toms.

34) Is your most visited website: Pffft, tumblr, of course, is that even a real question

35) Elementary school/primary school: [Name of my hometown] Elementary School

36) High School: [Name of my hometown] Jr./ Sr. High School

37) College: I’ve already mentioned in a couple of posts where I went to college, so I guess I’ll just say it: Kansas State University. EMAW!

38) Hair colour: Dark brown

39) Long/short hair: Long! It’s currently the longest it’s ever been in my entire life, I’m so excited (although holy shit, I shed a lot).

40) Crush: Nah, not for a while. I creeped on a cute security guard a few months ago, but he turned out to be a jerk with a classic “crazy ex-girlfriend” (I put that part in quotation marks because I have no idea if she’s actually ‘crazy’ but he kept insisting she was...which is, just, y’know, a red flag on his part).

41) Do you like about yourself: I’m actually pretty fond of my hair now, after a lifelong love/hate relationship. I also like to think I’m okay at singing sometimes.

42) Piercings: None at the moment, actually

43) Blood type: A+

44) Nickname: My family has always called me “Foo” (as in, “little bunny foo-foo”)

45) Relationship status: Single, ayyyyy

46) Zodiac: Leo (pffft, but not really)

47) Pronouns: She/her

48) Favourite show: Supernatural (of course!), Psych, Once Upon a Time, Firefly, Scrubs, Nikita, Game of Thrones

49) Tattoos: None. I’m too fickle, I’d get one and then change my mind two weeks later.

50) Left or right handed: Right

FIRST

51) Surgery: I had my tonsils out when I was 17 thanks to multiple bouts with strep throat. Oh my god, never wait until you’re that old to get your tonsils removed, it was absolute hell.

52) Piercings: My ears. If we’re talking unusual piercings, I had a “nape piercing” for a while in high school.

53) Best friend: Probably my cousin Kayla, since we grew up together

54) Sport: I played softball for several years as a kid, until I got a bloody nose when the ball hit me in the face. Then I had to quit because I was gun-shy. To this day, I’m still afraid of balls flying at my face (hehehe).

55) Vacation: I visited my dad in San Diego, CA for a week when I was ten years old

56) Pair of shoes: First pair of shoes? I don’t know, I was a baby. Probably some over-priced cutesy pair that never even got any use because I was a baby.

RIGHT NOW

57) Eating: Spicy Doritos

58) Drinking: Still drinking coffee

59) I am about to: Sort through my tumblr “Saved Drafts” and add tags for everything, then try to get some writing done

60) Listening to: Nothing at the mo (this is the same question at #31?)

61) Waiting for: Saturday when I leave for vacation! *o*

62) Want to see: Honestly can’t think of anything. I’d like to watch Moana again but it’s not on DVD yet?

63) Want to get married: Sure, someday

64) Career: Human services/ social work-ish? Basically, I work at a non-profit agency helping adults with developmental/ intellectual disabilities to get/ maintain services. Oh, and I also have a part-time job at an adult store. Gotta make ends meet, y’know.

WHICH IS BETTER

65) Hugs/kisses: Really depends on who they’re from. Probably hugs for the most part. :)

66) Lips/eyes: Aaagh, I don’t know... I love gorgeous eyes, but I also love me some tasty lips... y’know what, I’m gonna go with lips. Yep.

67) Taller/shorter: Taller

68) Younger/older: Older

69) Romantic/spontaneous: I can be romantic when I have someone to be romantic for, but I’m not the most spontaneous. :D Like, let’s just stick to the PLAN, okay?

70) Nice arms/nice stomach: Arms. I like squishy cuddly tummies anyways.

71) Sensitive/loud: ...I don’t know. Sensitive, I guess, because being around loud people wears me out pretty quickly. But sensitivity needs to have limits too...

72) Hookup/relationship: Relationship. Been there, done the hook-up thing, not worth it. Good ol’ college.

73) Troublemaker/hesitant: At this point in my life, I’d say hesitant. Trouble-making was fun in the past, but, like, I’ve got an actual career now that I could lose if I go around trouble-making/ hanging out with trouble-makers.

HAVE YOU EVER

74) Kissed a stranger: So, so many times. Good ol’ college.

75) Drank hard liquor: Yep. Still love me some vodka. It just mixes with everything, y’know?

76) Lost glasses/contact lenses: Contact lenses, yes, but luckily I’ve never lost a pair of glasses

77) Turned someone down: Yes. I hate doing that. I’m a horrible, cowardly person who would rather “ghost” someone than have to deal with an uncomfortable confrontation.

78) Canoodling on a first date: Depends on the definition of “canoodling”. Are we talking cuddling or snuggling up during a movie? Sure. Making out? Maaaybe, depends. No copping a feel on the first date though, c’mon now.

79) Broken someone’s heart: Yes. Breaking up with someone in high school is intense.

80) Had your own heart broken: Kind of, not really? The only person I legitimately had feelings for, I never told them how I felt, so they never really had the opportunity to break my heart but it hurt like hell anyways. Have I mentioned I’m a cowardly piece of shit? :D I mean, that was like 10 years ago in high school, but I haven’t changed that much.

81) Been arrested: No, thank goodness. There were a couple of close calls during my partying days, I’ve definitely been luckier than I probably deserve.

82) Cried when someone died: Yes. Doesn’t happen often, luckily.

83) Fallen for a friend: Not really? Had crushes on friends, had friends-with-benefits, yes, but never technically “fallen for” a friend.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN

84) Yourself: Depends on what we’re talking about here. In general, yeah, I like to think I do okay...

85) Miracles: Ehhh, I can’t decide. It’s a wonderful thought but I’m also kind of a pessimist realist. You know what they say: “hope for the best but prepare for the worst”.

86) Santa Clause: Not for many, many years

87) Kisses on a first date: Sure! End-of-the-date kisses are sweet.

88) Angels: I...think so.

89) Love at first sight: I don’t know? It’s a wonderful thought but I’m just not sure. Maybe not love at first sight, per se, but I think there are definitely people out there that you can just tell right away they’re going to be special to you.

OTHER

90) Best friend’s name: None, at the mo

91) Eye colour: Brown

92) Favourite movie: That’s a tough one... I think it depends on my mood. Do I want to laugh? Something trashy like “Sorority Boys”. Do I want to cry? Probably something steeped in existential crisis like “A.I.”. Do I want a feel-good adventure with talking animals? “Homeward Bound”.

Holy crap, that took like 1.5 hours. Anyone need an excuse to waste some time/ procrastinate/ be distracted? Tagging @magnificent-winged-beast, @helianthus21, @destielmixtape, @beesandangelkisses, @emotionally-compromised-idiot, @castielsgracex, @apritelleorai, @honeybee-and-batman, @sunshine-hunters, @waaaaaayward-assbutt, @cool-fallen-angel , and anyone else who wants to do it. :)

#about me quiz thingy #me #my personal life #i've been tagged #tagging other people

3 notes · View notes

ladyakahiko · 7 years

Text

So something happened to me a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been searching for the correct words to use to express it. I have a very busy week ahead of me and I’d like to get this all out of my mind so I can focus on the tasks ahead. However, before I get into this, a little backstory is necessary. This is going to be VERY long, so bear with me.

Summer of 2008--I was taking a biology class at my local community college. There was a quiet guy who sat in the back of the room, looking rather awkward. Sometimes he didn’t have partners for his labs. I honestly felt kind of bad for him, so I made an effort to reach out and have a conversation when our class went on a field trip to Kensington Park. Nothing major, just little niceties and general small talk. I didn’t really think anything of it at the time.

Fast forward to winter of 2009--our group of friends in community college always spent time hanging out in hallway next to one of the auditoriums in the main student building. We had our laptops out and we were planning a huge spring break trip to Canada (because we were all at least 19 but not yet 21 and wanted to go there to drink). Many people also hung out in this area, it was a popular spot for all the nerdy gamers. While planning the trip and asking who was in, lo and behold the guy from my summer biology class comes up and says “I would be interested, here’s my number.” None of us really hung out with him that much, aside from the random rounds of Super Nintendo (we had TVs from the A/V department hooked up back there) or some Settlers of Catan. We thought it was a little creepy that he invited himself on such flimsy terms, so we didn’t call him.

Moving ahead again, to the fall of 2009. Many people from our central group of friends at community college transferred out to Western Michigan University. Some ended up coming the same semester as me, others waited until later. I was really excited and enjoying my orientation with new friends, when suddenly I see him--community college guy. He greets me, saying “wow, we’re both here, what a coincidence, huh?” I kind of nod in agreement, but feel slightly creeped out nonetheless.

This time let’s go a little further forward, to spring of 2012. There was a big group of us nerds who all always spent time in the main floor lounge of our dorm building. Community college guy was among them, but I didn’t think anything of it. He enjoyed playing Magic: the Gathering which we often were playing, so it just seemed natural for him to be around. But right before the end of the school year, I had a crush on one of my good friends from this group. Long story short, we liked each other, things got complicated, other girls entered the picture and there was a big dramatic night at one of the local clubs that we were all out dancing at. The next morning, I get a text from community college guy, saying: “well now that (crush) is out of the way, would you consider dating me?” I was extremely pissed off by his tactless attempt to pick me up THE DAY AFTER something so horrible happened. I told him no and firmly expressed my shock and anger, but he comes back with “but we both came out to Western Michigan from our community college! Did you ever think that maybe it’s fate?” I nearly threw up, and worried about what exactly his intentions were for coming to WMU in the first place...

A few months later in the summer of 2012, he asks me out again. I’m feeling very exhausted by his attempts so I say, “fine. One date.” Thinking that if I act like an uninterested bitch the whole time, maybe he’ll get the message and finally leave me alone. He responds back, “okay, when can you drive to (town) to meet me?” I still lived in our college town to work over the summer, he went home. He asked me out and then expected ME to drive nearly two hours to come meet him. I was furious and told him there was no way I was going to do that. In retrospect, caving in and saying yes that one time was probably a disastrous idea...

Go forward one more year to spring of 2013. College graduation ceremony, we made it! I’m there with my best bro Stephen, and we see (guy) in the crowd too so we invite him to join us. We all joke around through the ceremony and make fun off our exes who also happened to be graduating on the same day. After the ceremony we go back to our old dorm building to take pictures together. (Guy)’s parents are beaming and seem overly excited to be taking pictures with me in them... I think nothing of it though and just focus on my post-graduation plans.

Move on to the fall of 2014. I’m in Japan! I made it! My childhood dreams were finally coming true. I posted information about applying for the JET program and other ALT dispatch companies for any friends who might be interested in the program. (Guy) shows interest, asks me a few questions, and to proofread his application essay. It was pretty terrible and I didn’t have time to fix every little thing, I figured he didn’t really have much of a chance of getting here to Japan anyway since he didn’t study anything remotely related to education or Japan in his university days. I gave him what help I could and was not at all surprised when he didn’t get an interview.

Not long after this, I’m planning my trip home for Christmas 2014. (Guy) begins to message me asking when I’ll be free during my visit. I say that I have many people to see in Kansas and in Michigan, so I probably won’t have time to see him (a gentle way of saying that he’s not high enough on my priority list to get time with me). He then continues on, he wants to know the dates I’ll be home, when I’ll be visiting Kalamazoo, when I’ll be in my hometown, etc. He’s REALLY pushing to see me. Finally, I just lose it and send him a very strongly worded message about how I’m not interested in him, how I’ve said no multiple times, and that will never change. I then blocked him on every social media outlet we were connected on.

When I’m actually home for Christmas 2014, he calls my US phone on several occasions to try to reach me. His number was still saved so I ignored it each time. At the end of this trip I was finally able to permanently deactivate that phone so he couldn’t contact me anymore.

Move ahead to some time in 2015--he makes a new Facebook account and tries to add me. I immediately block him and report the account to Facebook for harassment. Of course Facebook does absolutely nothing. I tell mutual friends who are connected to him to keep an eye on him and let me know if he posts anything creepy related to me or Japan.

In late 2015/early 2016 my best bro tips me off to the fact that (Guy) is still trying to apply to be an ALT in Japan. I freak out and contact my inner circle of friends in Japan and let them know the story, and ask them if they would have my back if this guy ever showed up. Most of my friends thought I was overreacting and just told me some BS things to calm me down. I could feel how annoyed they were with me, and I was frustrated that they didn’t seem to take my worries seriously.

Now this. This photo. A screenshot from a few weeks ago, when I looked at my phone for the first time that morning and saw (Guy)’s name there. Shocked didn’t even begin to cover it. Before I blocked both accounts, I looked at his Facebook page to see that he is STILL attempting to apply as an ALT, with a caption “I will apply every year if I have to!”

I’m at a loss of what to do. This has been going on for NINE YEARS. No one seems to take me seriously when I express how scared and worried I am. Everyone assumes “oh there’s an ocean in the way and he can’t possibly get accepted to Japan anyway.” But what if he does? He’s not giving up on this. I have nightmares sometimes about meeting him at an ALT welcome event in my region, and in the dreams I just always freeze. I don’t know what to do.

Saying “no” didn’t work. Going across the world didn’t work. Will this even stop when I’m married? Is marking myself as the “territory” of another man the only way to stop (Guy) from pursuing me? Or will he wait around in the shadows, hoping that my relationships go sour so he can spring in the next day again?

I have so much good going for me in my life in Japan, I don’t want it to be sullied by this worry anymore. There’s seemingly nothing I can do because he’s not physically stalking me, and online forums only tell me to “go talk to the person.” I can’t go the JET office or any other ALT companies and tell them not to let someone into the country. I’m powerless to stop him from finding me if he gets to Japan.

By posting this, all I want is for my fears to be warranted. I want someone to take me seriously. I know there’s probably no way for me to wave a magic wand and make this all go away, but on days when I’m worried or when I have another new Facebook account of his staring me in the face, I just want someone to wrap their arms around me and tell me that I’m okay. Tell me that I’m not alone in this. Just offer me a hug and a shoulder and a place to take refuge. That’s all I want, and all I need <3

1 note · View note

carolinacosmina · 6 years

Photo

(I posted this on Facebook the other day and am gratified by the heartfelt responses. Special accidental thanks to the podcast My Favorite Murder for setting in motion thoughts about violence and its decades-long tail on surviving family members.)

Forty-eight years ago today my maternal grandmother, pictured here on the right, was killed by her next-door neighbor. She was 67 years old and coming off the Van Dyke bus when the sociopath who lived next door to her was driving and apparently spotted her. He circled round and gunned it through the alley at the corner of Van Dyke Avenue and Dubay near McNichols. My other grandparents lived across the street from my mom's widowed mother and it was my dad's father who called my mom and told her there had been an accident and that Old Man Hosko was involved.

"Pan" Hosko was the sociopath who lived next door to Baba, as we called our Slovak grandmother; Pan/Pani is a Slovak honorific for elders. From an early age we knew to come inside the house immediately if we saw him outside. This caution disrupted the otherwise extremely exciting weekly event that was Massive Cousin Party Every Sunday which is what happens when you are Catholic and your parents grew up across the street from one another and both grandparents are still in those houses.

Baba's name was Anna and she arrived in the United States in 1935 with three children ages 14, 11, and eight. Her husband, who had walked back to their hometown of Sabinov from a Siberian prisoner-of-war camp after World War I, immigrated in late 1926. Baba was pregnant with my mother when he left and their separation was lengthened by the Depression. She made two failed attempts to join him, at one point making it all the way to Hamburg with her three children before they were turned back. In Detroit they lived in the old Slovak neighborhood around SS. Cyril & Methodius Church before they bought the house on Dubay, and had a fourth child, my uncle Joey. Her two sons graduated from Cass Tech and became accountants. My grandfather was a machinist for Briggs and died in 1953. Baba did not drive, used a metal shopping cart, spoke only passable English, and after she was widowed the nuns at Holy Cross Hospital gave her a job there but she later cleaned offices downtown, and sometimes when I see workers like that after hours I am reminded of her and think, I bet she loved that job so much.

Old Man Hosko was Slovak, too, and Uncle Joey said he was still alive in the 1980s, when he would've been in his 90s, drunkenly stumbling around Hart Plaza at the Slovak festivals. Everyone knew who he was. Everyone knew what he did. Everyone knew about his wife, who was wheelchair-bound from an automobile accident in which he was the driver; after my grandmother was killed Mrs. Hosko died when she "fell" out of her wheelchair and down a flight of stairs. Two years ago I was Googling his name and found a Michigan Court of Appeals ruling dated just days before the December 15 vehicular manslaughter case for which he was never prosecuted: Old Man Hosko's adult daughter Alice had petitioned the court for guardianship of her mother, which was denied on grounds of spousal privilege or some retro legal principle that ended when the courts needed wives to testify against their husbands in drug-trafficking cases.

December 15, 1969, was a Monday and my grandmother was coming back from some Christmas shopping downtown with a friend when she stepped off the Van Dyke bus. Her purchases included sets of matching pajamas for me and my cousin John; we were three years old, three months apart, and the youngest of her 13 grandchildren. I don't know what happened to the pajamas. I don't know how my mother and my aunt (pictured left) and my two uncles survived this, nor my older cousins who were young adults and knew her for so much longer. When I went to Czechoslovakia in 1987 to visit Bibiana K and meet my great-aunts Helena and Verona, they showed me the Western Union telegram my mom and her sister and brothers had to send.

A few weeks ago I was visiting my dad's youngest brother, who is 89 and has such amazing stories. I asked him about Baba and what he remembered about Hosko and he said, "You know he tried to kill his other next-door neighbor, right?" And he told me the story of the pregnant woman who lived on the other side of him on Dubay and an argument; Hosko said, "I have something for you," and went back in his house and came out and walked up the steps to her front door and fired a gun when she answered the bell. "The metal on the screen door saved her and the baby, it stopped the bullet," my uncle said.

I'd already been thinking about this, about the guardianship petition his daughter filed that was denied, who were the officers who came to the scene, was he arrested for even an hour, who was the Wayne County prosecutor who told my mother and her siblings that there was no case here. But the pregnant neighbor story put me right over. It is UNBELIEVABLE that he was not already in jail. My grandmother would've lived to go to Midnight Mass at St. Cyril's that year and maybe for many more after. Both her sisters in Slovakia lived well into their 90s.

As I wrote in the original Facebook post, this is a giant bummer of a story and apologies to my Giant Cousin Family; also if your name is Hosko and you like to Google yourself and found this, well, oopsies for that. This is all public record and a long-overdue remembrance of a grandmother I barely knew.

#MyFavoriteMurder #SSDGM

0 notes

abloggeringermany · 7 years

Text

1 Year Tumblr Diary!

Today it’s the 18th July 2017! I can’t believe, that it’s 1 year ago now, since I posted my first Diary Text on 18th July 2016 :O. I remembered how it came to this: I went to the Edersee with my grandma and grandpa on 14th July 2016, and it was so beautiful there, and I thought it was ad, that I can’t share the thoughts with others, and that I will forget this moments in a couple of years. So as I arrived home, I had the Idea to just write a diary. I first started to write it down on a normal paper with a pencil, but that was too old school for me. On 18th July 2016 I went to my grandmas house with my mother. In the evening, I decided to reactivate my tumblr account, that I created in 2014 for my old YouTube channel :P. I gave ashort Introduction of who I am, and then I wrote the first diary Text ^^.

Sometimes it was really annoying to write a text, I don’t wanted to write something in the evening, So I often wrote 2 Texts the day after. On the Christmas days, we had no Internet at home, and at my grandmas house, so I needed to write 5 Texts on 28th December 2016 D:. But I’m really glad that I made it now to 365 posts!... Oh wait... I forgot to post something on 20th December 2016. So it’s just the 364th post... but who cares?

I saw that I forgot the 20th December 2016, as I saved all the texts on my computer in April. But I remember what I did on this day. I needed to write 2 exams, becaue I went ill a couple of days before that. I needed to write chemistry and German on this day, and both tests were rather easy. (I got a 2 in chemitry, and in German I got a 3, but with 1 point to the 2, like always).

But now i’m coming to what I have achieved since this one special year. (Ok, it wasn’t special at all, but who cares.)

-I went to Denmark in the Summer of ‘16.

-After that we went to Wismar, Luebeck, Schwerin and Hamburg.

-I broke up with my 3rd Girlfriend L for the first time. We came together again on the same day.

-We broke up again, only a few days before my birthday. I don’t know when that exactly was, but I know it was short before the 22nd September ‘16. I destroyed all the things that she made for me, and cutted up all the post cards that she sended me, and sent her the detroyed stuff on Facebook a an reaction.

-I celebrated my 16th birthday with I and J. It was a cool day, but it was very disapointing to, because I only celebrated with 2 friends, and we just talked about the broke up with L, walked to Hanau and played Monopoly... The 2 also slept in my room.

-My friend I had a dispute with my old ex-girlfriend L in October ‘16. I was very happy about that. It also ended there friendship.

-S, and old friend of I and J, that we knew from Skype and Teamspeak, is talking with my friend I again. We all had a little dispute in May ‘16, because we thought that my friend I and S are in love and so on... It’s complicated.

-In December ‘16 L is writing me on Facebook again. It seemed like she still wants a relationship with me.

-I went to a christmas market with my friend I. I drank very much alcohol. My friend needed to bring me home, because I couldnt walk anymore. I really thanked her for that, although I never told her. Sad that we have no contact anymore, but life changes. I didn’t met her untill the 11th April 2017 again. It was the second-last time I saw her in the 16 years we know eachother.

-My old friend N, that is ghostly disabled felt in love with me too. I had 2 girls that were in love with me for about 2 months. I was very proud of me that 2 months xD. Normally, I’m not the boy for all this dramatic stuff.

-Me and my friend I have more and more disputes, since she ened her friendship with Le/L.

-I finished my home exam about child poornes in Germany on 14th November 2016. It was one of the best days of my live. I hated this topic so much...

-Christmas days :D I had no Internet all the time, so I needed to read books and cycled a lot more.

-On 4th January I shot a photo of the Frankfurt Skyline. It’s a personal ritual of me. I’m shooting a photo every year on the 4th January, to show how the Skyline of Frankfurt evolved in all the years. I started this in 2015. I always posted the photos on my personal Facebook page, that I nearly never use xD

-On the 10th January I need to held a presentation about the topic that I picked for the home exam. The day before, I had a big headache, and I nearly puked, because I was so nervous. I was the first one that needed to held a presentation of all students in my class. I got a 1 for it :D I was very happy about that. I directly called my grandpa and my father after that. I walked to my fathers flat on that snowy day. I couldnt use my bike on that day, because all of the snow, so my stepfather needed to drive me to school.

-On 12th January I had a big dispute with my Ex-girlfriend L, I blocked her after that. Since that day I have no contact with her anymore.

-In February I had the first REALLY BIG dispute with my friend I. It was about that she told me that i turned to an asshole since I broke up with L. And I laughed about her all the time. We had no contact since the beginning of the April ‘17.

-In the end of February N stopped writing me on Facebook, I’m glad about that, because she annoyed me. But I think she still loves me. I still like her, because I know her for so long, but she wrote me way too much messages :D

-On 2nd April I bought “something” for the first time, from a friend of my classmate M.

-On 11th April J celebrated his birthday. I drove to his city, that is about 100 Kilometers away from our hometown with my friend I. We took a train from Frankfurt. I still was in a little dispute with I, but the things were getting better with us, we even laughed about a couple of jokes in the train, but I recognised that she had become very arrogant. On J’s birthday we did very much stuff with J’s brother and his friends. In the evening I (me not my friend xd) nearly puked, because I ate so much. I stayed at J’s house untill 13th April, my friend I just stayed untill 12th April. It made more fun, as my friend I was away. The 12th April ‘17 was the last day I saw my old friend I, in the 16 years I know her.

-On 21st April I had the final dispute with my friend I. We had a big shitstorm in a whatsapp group with J, S, I and me. Since this day we have no contact anymore. S also broke up the contact with me, but stayed in the whatsapp group. my old-friend I leaved it. The things between J and me are still cool.

-On 4th May, my classmate F changed the class, because she were to dumb for the 10th class. She was my only real friend in the class, beside N and M.

-On 8th, 10th and 12th May I wrote the final exams in German, English and Maths. I was really nervous on the day we wrote thi exams, and the days before. I started learning for that 2 weeks before. In the end, they all were rather easy (except German).

-I visited Wiesbaden, the capital of Hesse on my own. Although I already cycled to this city by bike in April 2016, I didn’t visited it. Today I took the trains and trams to it. I really love trains and trams :P But I hate busses xD. Wiesbaden is a very beautiful city.

-Drama alert! Ok it was just a little notification. I heard from my stepgrandma, that is living in the same house as my old-friend I, that I is doing Party the whole night, because of her birthday. I was really surprised, that my mother and stepgrandma didn’t asked why I don’t celebrate with her. But it’s probably because of the fact, that my grandma (the mother of my mother) has birthday on the same day (3rd June).

-Drama alert again! Ok it was just a little notification... AGAIN. And it’s the very last time that I heard of I. On 12th June ‘17, S wrote me in the old whatsapp group, where my friend I, J, S and me were, that my old-friend I wants an apologize from me. I didn’t apologized, because I don’t think that we will get good friends after that, and I will lose my proudness if I’m going to apologize because of OUR dispute. We both were dumb, not only me!

-On 20th June I got a dispute with my classmate M. We experienced very much sh*t together. I did my first bike tour with him in May ‘15 (30 kilometers). We had an old whatsapp group, that I left, because he turned to a big asshole, since he found “cool” friends.

-Just 3 days later, I had my last school day. I got told, that I got a 2 in every final exam ^^. All in all I have an average mark of 2,1.

-In the first holiday week, I stayed at my granmas house for the first time without my mother. I stayed there for 5 days with my grandpa, untill my grandma left the hospital.

-My friend J drove to me and stayed there for 3 days. We played a lot of CS:GO, and experienced some stuff. We walked for about 20 kilometers, only because he needed to buy something in Dietzenbach xD.

Woah! That’s a long text xD. I didn’t thought, that this is goint to be that long :O. I think I even forget a couple of things. I wrote on this text one freaking hour. It’s very dark outside, my window is open and insects are flooding my screen now xD. But all in all I must say, that I don’t experienced much in these 365 days. I got a lot of disputes. The most of them were dumb ones. I did mistakes, and they did mistakes. But I’m not the person who is able to apologize to others. I often experienced, that when I apologize to somebody, he’s going to laugh about me, and I lose my proudness. That’s the reason why I stay hard and don’t apologize to someone anymore. Maybe it’s a mistake... That could be the reason why I’m so alone. My only friend is J, and I also share some contacts with my old classmate Mo. But I don’t know when I’m going to have disputes with them... I hope for better years to come :D

0 notes