#i sleep more than im awake
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happy mother's day lmfao
bonus (the girls are fightiiing):
#and thus eddie caused a category 5 neighborhood disaster bc he tried to flirt via sandwich questions#which is a totally valid way to flirt. Totally.#what's more romantic than being able to bring people their favorite sandwiches without having to ask#idk im not a romantic. almost wrote tomantic. i dont like tomatoes either#welcome home#scribble salad#welcome home fanart#welcome home puppet show#in all honesty during last night's festive breakdown i had the doodled Thought above#and scribbled it in my phone notes#it feels good to not only have an Idea but to also Get It Out#yaknow? i dont get that often#brain usually has half a thought then fizzles out and decides to go lay down for a full week#also here's a niche concept that is incredibly funny to me:#a neighbor swearing and wally immediately being like NO!!! THE RATINGS!!!!#he has to snipe them before they can get the full word out. how sad :'{#alsoX2 special thanks to these doodles for keeping me awake#i had decided not to sleep when i drew this and i can't fall asleep before ten otherwise ill wake up 4 hours later wide awake#with no hope of getting back to sleep#and another s/o to barnaby for being incredibly pleasant to draw. he does not fight me like the others do
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[PUT INTO PLACE, TIED DOWN AND ARRANGED,
AND IS NEVER THE SAME, AGAIN.]<-listen to my favorite songs.
VAMPIRES ARE WONDERFUL ARENT THEY. THE FLESH IS SO MUCH MORE DURABLE. SO MUCH STRETCHIER THAN HUMANS. THE STRESS DOESNT KILL A VAMPIRE THE SAME WAY IT DOES A HUMAN. YOU CAN TAKE THEM APART THREAD BY THREAD AND LEAVE THEM WIDE AWAKE WITHOUT WORRY OF THE BRAINMATTER SPOILING UNDER VINEGARY AGONY.
#cw gore#WEEEE WHIPPING OUT ALL MY BELOVED PIXEL HORROR GAME SOUNDTRACKS FOR THIS ONE#STILL A WIP#SORTA. FORKSFORKSFORKS INSPIRED ME TO START WORKIN AT IT AGAIN. AND NOW IT LIVES. IT LIIIVEESS!!!#MOSLT.Y ATLEAST. I MIGHT MESS W IT MORE LATER. WE SHALL SEE. ANYWAY GABRIEL MONTEZ HUH. WOW POOR GUY#THERES A FASCINATING FEELING THAT COMES WITH BEING ON A OPERATING TABLE.AND BEING IN IMMENSE PAIN#ONE OF MY FONDEST MEMORIES IS LAYING ON A DENTIST CHAIR. SHAKING AND INVOLUNTARILY CRYING AFTER MANY MANY#NEEDLES TO MY THE MOUTH. I METABOLIZE THE NUMBING STUFF QUICKLY APPARENTLY. THEY NEEDED ALOT OF NUMBING SHOTS#BUT I WASNT AFRAID OR DISTRESSED. THE DENTIST WAS VERYVERY NICE AND ALSO UH. PRETTY. BUT THATS BESIDE THE POINT#THE POINT IS. THAT IT WAS FASCINATING TO REALIZE MY PHYSICAL RESPONSE TO PAIN UNDER A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT#I DIDNT KNOW HOW EASY IT WAS TO SHAKE AND TO CRY PRYVIOUS TO THAT EXPERIENCE.MY DENTAL ADVENTURES CONTINUE#THEY CONTINUE TO HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHAT ITS LIKE FOR PAIN TO BOIL AWAY THE TIME. TO DISTORT THE PASSING HOURS AND CONSUME EVERY THOUGHT#DO YOU REMEMBER PAIN? THE MOST SEVERE PAIN IN YOUR LIFE? NOW WILL YOU IMAGINE RED LIGHTS? RED LIGHTS AND SHIFTING FIGURES#NOW WILL YOU IMAGINE PAIN UNRELENTING.PAIN WORLD SHATTERING.PAIN IMMORTAL.CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING PULLED APART#THE HUMAN MIND CAN ONLY WITHSTAND SO MUCH PAIN BEFORE IT SHUTS DOWN AND HIDES.IT NEEDS TO PROTECT ITSELF AFTERALL. PAIN CAN ALTER#PAIN SHIFTS THE CHEMISTY OF THE MIND OF THE FLESH OF THE SOUL. FOR HUMANS ATLEAST. BUT YOU ARE NO LONGER HUMAN#YOU CHOSE OTHERWISE DIDNT YOU BOY.BECAUSE YOU WANTED MORE.STATUS.POWER.APPROVAL.SECURITY.SAFET.Y.#OHHH YOU CAN WITHSTAND THE PAIN FOR THAT. FOR ALL THAT. YOU WERENT TOLD THERE WOULD BE PAIN BUT YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WERE PROMISED.#ITS ALL WORTH IT IN THE END. NOW LETS JUST HOPE SOME BLONDE TWERP DOESNT PROVE TO BE STRONGER THAN THE STRONGEST PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE#LETS HOPE NO ONE FUCKS THIS UP. LETS HOPE NO ONE FUCKS THIS UP. I LOST MY TRAIN O THOUGHT#anyway dawww poorr gabeee that shit probably huuurrrrtttss but so much time has passed that your body got tired of screaming and squirming#why havnt you passed out yet? maybe you might as well have at this point. like sleeping with your eyes open and your nerves awake#OH HEY FUNFACT ABT THE ART. I FOUGHT W IT ALOT. TOOK A LONG WHILE FOR ME TO BE REMOTELY HAPPY W THIS.#i was thinking abt pixel horror video games when i made it.just as i do with all great things ofc ofc#i love you pixel horror game i love yooouuuuu.i struggled so much w the colors for so LONNGG UHGHGHGH but im finally happy...im finally fre
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I’m actually starting to get worried about how sleepy I am always… I dunno like I nap constantly and then am still so exhausted im fighting to stay awake past 9/10pm and haven’t made it to even 1am in quite a while when usually I would stay up until 3 or 4am regularly no problem :/
#I mean I haven’t been taking my adhd meds but like that’s not a new behaviour and hasn’t had this result before#I dunno it’s really odd#like so tired it’s a problem#I think my energy is okay some days but if im ever relaxed at home#or horizontal for more than like 30 minutes im fighting to stay awake#I also do have sleep apnea but tiredness like this has never really been a thing#well actually I guess my energy hasn’t been consistent either and want to sleep or do sleep#just a few hours after waking up#hmmm#i also stopped taking my Zoloft but again I do that a lot and I don’t get quite as sleepy but maybe im wrong
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this song is the equivalent of a time machine for me
#weeping as im typing this#my grandma loved to play fairuz early in the morning every day and i always was the only one awake with her because all of my family loves#sleeping in besides me and my grandma and we would sit and listen to fairuz and drink coffee together and she would randomly come and place#kisses on my head😭😭😭😭😭 and very quietly sing along the songs and she would sound a million times more angelic than fairuz herself#❤️🩹#Spotify
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Wrote tha note to put on their door in the morning.
Do u think my sleep deprived frustration is evident lol
#speculation nation#bc guess who is still awake. thafs right. this poor sod#im so exhausted and yet the thump thump thumping continues#it makes me want to bang on the ceiling but i know that wont help#i dont even know what the noise is now. rapid fire thumping in a way that sounds like#more frequent than would naturally be audible from just normal thumping.#it's definitely not a sex thing. it almost sounds like the dull popping of fireworks#thouhh i know it's not that either.#my best guess is that it's the keyboard i started hearing last friday#but i havent heard them practicing nearly as much as ive heard this damned thumping#im#actually tempted to just go up there and knock on their door#it's 1 am and the thump thump thumping is continuing.#i just want to fucking sleep
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girl help the bad decisions have consequences
#okay tbf its not half as bad as i thought itd be#been feeling like im kiiinda close to collapsing during pe and sometimes i said weird shit with less awareness than normal#but thats okay soooo#i mean. my friend stayed over and then spontaneously slept here#so we decided to watch some more gravity falls#and play point and click horror games or watch youtube videos of scarier horror games (neither of us handles horror well)#and listened to some magnus archives#accompanied by monster energy because fuck yeah#i had like a third over and drank that before breakfast after waking up i think i could see colours and smell balance for a second#got three hours of sleep. was more awake than ever at school even on the rare occasion of a full 8 hours#also it was so worth it#and i mean when else are we supposed to make horrible decisions??#a biscuit's rambles
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sneepy cozy....
#cats#(medical stuff mention for tags)#poasting confortable image of boye for peace and serenity and such forthe#I have little weird episodes sometimes where I get shaky (but like violently like 'would spill a drink if you were holding it beacuse#your hands are moving so much' type shaky) and weird and sick feeling but usually it passes in an hour or less. but last night I just#literally couldnt sleep I was shaking so much and my heartrate was up a ton and wouldn't go down even after like 6 hours plus super nausea#so I went to the hospital and now shall wear a heart monitor for a week. which hopefully it's just some weird drastic low blood sugar#event or something and there's nothing actually going on. ekg + ct scan for blod clots + virus panel + almost all of the blood work seems#normal so... aa.......#Though me being so privacy focused hrggh... I basically have a constantly bluetooth connected device around me#since the monitor comes with a cell phone that is constantly transmitting data to the place. which they said they'll call you#if they see anything weird which is also scary. random phone calls... but definitely better than letting an issue go unadressed lol#the phone is also not meant to be more than 10 feet away from the monitor at any time so I put on this old tactical fishing#vest thing thats like navy green with 100 pockets and im just using one of the giant pocketson the side as a phone holder#my enormous silly vest just to keep one little phone#ANYWAY... because I got up early the morning before and didn't sleep at all and spent nearly all day in waiting rooms and such#I have been awake for like 32 hours striaght. which I'm sure also does not help with an elevated heartrate lol#feeling shrimp emotions or whatever people talk about unlocking at a certain level of stress and sleep deprivation#and also no food or water. after a while they brought me like 3 saltines and some ice water but I basically also haven't eaten since 3am#last night and it's 2pm now..#thus............ bapy............. baby boye....... he will help ease all ailments with his baby powers...#And no I dont drink energy drinks or anything with caffiene really I'm afraid of all substances on the planet essentially#My body just likes to become shaky and weird randomly even when I'm not conciously anxious about anything/have had no caffiene/etc#and I guess I'm always more nervous about getting anything heart related checked out because of my arm/shoulder/chest area injury stuff#... i literally have constant chest pain all the time. it moves around but i nearly always have some sort of pain or pressure in my chest#so when people are like 'oh well a little weird heartrate is fine but watch out if you have pain!' it's like... i always do lol.. how am I#supposed to tell the Bad Pain apart from the Always Pain when the descriptions of Bad Pain are very very similar#AAAANYway.... hrghh... i wanted to be very productive and finally post drafts and wrok on things today. but alas..#I can at least post small image of soft boye.. though he recently got into stuff in the bathroom whilst left#alone and knocked things into the toilet.. So perhaps not an innocent and NICE boy.. but still.. a soft one .. beautfile....
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in a horrible embarrassing no good turn of events i woke up today squirming and grinding against a pillow between my legs ..?? was i doing it in my sleep ..???? it will forever be a mystery to me...
#like i dont usually move much!! in my sleep!! or at all really#but i usually have a pillow between my legs bc of how i like to sleep#so like .? this is new. and perplexing. much to think about i fear#like woke up mid squirm and mid making a little noise(?????) i think ?????#which like. whuh. huh?? whuh???#even when i was doing leik. pk mn sleep where it tracks if u Make Noise it never picked up anything for me so like. thats New .?!?!#was i DREAMING liek i dont even dream!!!!!#it was also one of those liek. wake up at 4am go back to sleep type things so like. what !! what !!!#this is my diary im more embarrassed than anytjing like. i didnt know i could do that!!#now im sitting here at work like what if ive done it before and i just didnt know. what then. what is my recourse#unfair sick and twisted that im apparently squirmy and whiny but only when im not. AWAKE to be aware of it!! bitch!!!#i can never sleep w anyone again )like sleep next to them#because what if like were sleeping and i do THAT it's EMBARRASSING
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. vent in tags rq lol < 3
#IM STILL ON SICK LEAVE#IM STILL SICK AND IN PAIN EVERY DAY#HAVING BLOODY STOOL AND CRYING FROM PAIN#ugh. this is why ive been so inactive. ive gotten so so tired#i literally do nothing but lie down and sleep#its been MONTHS#its literally been what. more than 3 months now#ive been shitting out blood and unable to do ANYTHING for more than 3 months and it continues#i even got another injection of biological medicine yesterday#but here i am its almost 3am and im once again bloodshitting and struggling and staying awake because of the pains#i need to jump off a bridge rn oh alter throw me into the sea
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the spoonie experience is driving somewhere and then having a random flare up and suddenly realizing you don’t have enough spoons to drive home and now ur sitting on the floor of a store getting weird looks while you wait to miraculously gain enough energy to make it back to ur car and then not crash and die
#spoonie#chronic fatigue#chronic pain#chronic illness#?#i think??#is chronic fatigue in the chronic illness umbrella or its own thing???#idk i don’t have the spoons for this#the fact that i literally got a perfect 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep last night too#and yet i ate brunch and now i cannot see all the colors are blurring together my eyelids feel like lead#i crave nothing more than to sink into the ground and cease to exist#to sleep and then never wake up#not bc i don’t want to be alive but bc i literally just want to sleep forever simple as that#and i don’t even *want* to sleep either#i *want* to be awake and alive#but the world is like im wearing foggy glasses and breathing is exhausting#OH SHIT SPOONS#SPOON DELIVERY#LETS FUCKING GO#BYE IM RUNNING WHILE I CAN CYA
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oh god wait. so if the episodes are "days" to the puppets, and traditionally, new episodes air once per week... then are the puppets only ever awake for one day per week? if that, cause wouldn't episodes only be about an hour long, probs less? so they're awake for however long it takes to film one episode, and then they sleep until the next.
and if Wally doesn't sleep...
#h. hold on a second hold. i need a minute hold on-#is wally awake and alone in the dark for a week at a time#waiting for his next chance to see his friends. to see anyone at all other than Home#how does it feel to him when he goes an episode - maybe multiple without seeing certain neighbors#bc it was implied on the website that some episodes don't have every character interact with wally during his shenanigans#oh fuck and if the show Ended... and he continued on... how many years has he been in the empty dark with only creaks for company#sobs loudly i cant do this-#welcome home#welcome home puppet show#i really hope they get to be awake each 'day'#i put it in quotes bc wasnt it also implied that their days are vastly different from ours#but they probably arent. theyre probably sleeping for a full week at a time#clawing at the walls over this im so emotional#do you think wally like... goes to their houses to visit them while they sleep#hm now im remembering that barnaby and wally sleepover piece clown drew#and im seeing it in an Entirely new and Vastly More Sad light
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strated writing and gave up on 2 separate posts basically just yelling about how mad it makes me that n24 is so misunderstood and accomodations are so unavailable. MAN
#.pdf#rd#theyre in my drafts now so i can look at them later and get mad again probably#“what do you mean you need to sleep more its one in the afternoon” ya and i went to bed at 9 in the morning fuck offfffff#im not waking you up at 3am just cos thats when im awake and energized goddamn#also been told “you just need to get up and come do work for like three hours every morning to get your body back on track”#(by my dad whose office i informally work at. to clarify the work part of that)#and its like. i think youre not understanding how bad of an idea that is. when i was still in school i almost fell asleep while driving once#when i push myself to be awake when my body needs sleep i start to be in physical pain. god. is it SO horrible of me to want to avoid that#i mean i feel like if it hurts thats probably my body saying Hey dont fucking do that! and the supposed moral and societal value of being-#-awake during the fucking day is not more important than my health!!!!!!!! GODDD#i just wanna live my life in relative peace and get decent sleep sometimes#n24
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"Wowie I'm so excited!! I can't wait for-" *falls asleep*
#im super excited about starting testosterone but my chronic fatigue/depression/whatever the hell this is is killing me#eee i want to jump around and dance and squeal but im so fucking exhausted#i slept for FOURTEEN HOURS why??#i know sleeping too much can make you feel tired too but hhhh#thats not jt because i always feel like this no matter how i sleep#hell i feel MORE awake when i DONT sleep#like i could pull an all nighter and have more energy than this#...oh wait#..i might be onto something#there is theoretically a chance that my sleepinv pills are making my drowsy for longer than they used to#but I cant not take them#like i will not sleep at all if i dont take them
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why can i never breathe lol
#fuck im so sick of this shit#i just want to feel fucking normal for once in my god damn life#ts was so real when she said ‘i hate it here’ me too#i used to think it was smth else but no i just can never fucking breathe#and if i go to sleep ill have nightmares#but if im awake im still in a fucking nighymare#when will i fuckinh wake up#dereality tw#and i feel awful all the time when im fronting#so i worry i annoy my friends and burden them#‘friends’ as if i have more than like 2 friends lol#why wony this pain fucking stop#wheres the fucking off switch#im only workinh so hard for a future so i can go home#but whats waiting for me back home?#fucking nothing.#god there’s so much running through my mind#vent#leo.txt
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i hate summer so much yall
it's already 80 during the day here and my ac doesnt work. Everyone telling me they love the summer is wrong and crazy. come back and tell me you love the summer when your bedroom is 80 degrees at 4am.
I usually sleep prety well these days but tonight i can't seem to stay asleep, even with my fan on and pointed right at me. The ac is on too, set at 65 but the themomerter in my room says otherwise. we've been texting the landord Repeatedly. The Ac repair man never calls
#this post has no Real meaning#other than me bitching into the void bc i got 4 hours of sleep and probably wont' be able to go back to sleep#bc i fucking hate the heat and it makes me grouchy and overstimulated#i am texting the landlord again at a more reasonable hour#but for real#if i hhear one more person say how excited they are for the warmer days i'm gonna lose it#i bet they have nice cold bedrooms and work in an air conditioned office#then again#the girls who work style at my job wear hoodies in the summer and complain of being cold#while im in a tshirt and shorts and Sweating#so maybe i just don't handle heat very well#either way#i needed to bitch and no one i know is awake lol#d rambles
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Wild how much more tired i am when im medicated. Not even just right after i take my meds, its All Day. Like i never thought i was that hyperactive, but its… its Significant
#im switching to taking my adhd meds at night bc they make me sleeby af#and ive been like. up and down all night since i started them so i could use the sleep help#so i havent taken anything today and even though ive barely slept i felt more awake than yesterday on the same amount of sleep#sev rambles
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