#and if i go to sleep ill have nightmares
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why can i never breathe lol
#fuck im so sick of this shit#i just want to feel fucking normal for once in my god damn life#ts was so real when she said ‘i hate it here’ me too#i used to think it was smth else but no i just can never fucking breathe#and if i go to sleep ill have nightmares#but if im awake im still in a fucking nighymare#when will i fuckinh wake up#dereality tw#and i feel awful all the time when im fronting#so i worry i annoy my friends and burden them#‘friends’ as if i have more than like 2 friends lol#why wony this pain fucking stop#wheres the fucking off switch#im only workinh so hard for a future so i can go home#but whats waiting for me back home?#fucking nothing.#god there’s so much running through my mind#vent#leo.txt
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"Don't kill me. I'm not a nerdy prude. I'm not a loser!" "Of course not, Richie. But you have lost. Everything."
A digital painting of Richie Lipschitz from Nerdy Prudes Must Die. Welcome to the emotional devastation station that is my son.
Don't ask me how many times I fully repainted this. Details under the cut! (Also tumblr hates quality so click the image for better quality)
Shout out to @to-our-own-fairytale for letting me bounch ideas off of them and both them and @roanawayspoons chatting with me about npmd
also @roanawayspoons got jokingly mad at me for painting a bunch of details into the shirt and then covering them up so here they are
#npmd#npmd spoilers#nerdy prudes must die#richie lipschitz#jon matteson#jons eyes were ridiculously hard to paint oh my god#im so normal about this character dont look st me#i have wicked widked eye strain now woooo#starkid#art#my art#greyscale#thats my art tag#digital art#fanart#digital painting#now im going to sleep for several days and rest my hand then finally start watching the nightmare times#ill probably dislike this in the morning but im too tored to care right now
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Hello guys!!!!! Aforementioned project is finally finished 🫠 It was meant to be just a simple weekend project, and ended up being 30+ hours over the period of like four days. I don't think I'm an actual normal human anymore. This is the project that caused everyone in my life to question my mental and physical wellbeing and health. But I'm super excited to share this all of you!!!! Please enjoy!!!! Even if you don't like vettonso, I hope this is still interesting????
If you make any, please reblog this or tag me in it! I'm excited to see what other people, other than just me suffering alone in my bedroom, make out of this!!! <3
#jesus christ i cant believe i actually made this 😭😭#originally earlier last week i was like ahhh i wanna draw more of them in different eras(like the timeswap au)#and then randomly wanted to draw every single racesuit(nightmare)#and then im like WAIT I CAN MAKE A PICREW OUT OF THIS#no joke when i say i dont think i was a human this weekend#it was truly: eat. sleep. draw. eat. draw. sleep. draw. eat. draw. draw. sleep.#the screentime count on my ipad is soooooo fucking bad im ashamed dhfjfkkg#i dont think picrews are meant to be made in the span of a weekend#*weakly* i did it~#again as i said in the description. please request if you want anything added!!!#i dont know if ill get to it immediately bcs i just spent 30+ hours psychologically torturing myself#i actually feel so ill JSJFKGLGLG but im happy w it and i wouldnt have gone back and changed any of the process#tho the evolution of 'im having so much fun' to groaning every time i opened up my ipad again was so funny#thank you so much to suzuki i could have never have done this without your support and encouragement 🥹🥹#hoping this picrew works as a blood sacrifice to the good health and wellbeing of the amr24. the car that is launching today!#also istg i am going to dm shill and self reblog this with no shame. it is my magnum opus(as of now)#now i am going to sleep and not touch my ipad for a while djfkkglg#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#catie.art.#vettonso#normal posts that catie normally makes in a normal fashion
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Okay I’m all for the “Pip doesn’t have a family in America” trope all the time, as well as the abusive foster family/orphanage Pip.
But y’know what I’m recently coming to absolutely love?
Positive, loving, nurturing adoptive family Pip. Like, yeah, I am gonna put that little guy through tough situations, he does suffer, but what if I want him to just have a happy family? Nothing bad happens to them? I think it’s a topic that should be explored more.
Like, what if this couple adopted him?
I just think a good domestic home life is really sweet & I want him to have it
Like, LOOK AT THIS ART
#like he can have a room that’s all his own. have his own bed to sleep & be warm & comfy in#food always on the table#parents that will listen to him & give him more than the time of day & love him unconditionally#he can be woken from nightmares & call for mummy & she’ll comfort him & sing him back to sleep#gently running her fingers across his forehead to calm him further#a father who he practices archery with#AND THEY GO CAROLING TOGETHER EVERY HOLIDAY#& Pip not trusting them at first. just waiting for the shoe to drop & being sent back to the orphanage AGAIN.#he doesn’t open up much & calls them by their first names for a while#but eventually he realizes that they aren’t going to abandon him & he just breaks down & cries#completely in gratitude that someone finally loves him#& also dealing with when he falls ill for the first time & them having to treat someone with a MUCH weaker immune system than their used to#that is a close bonding moment for them#I could go ON about this omg#pip pirrup#south park
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If ur waiting on a reply from me (and i know a couple of folks are rn) thank u for ur patience in waiting. I'm working on typing things up but today is just. idk how to put it but i keep winding up grumpy and my replies i feel are suffering for it. Pls know i do wanna chat and exchange ideas, I'm just trying to make sure the Grumpasaurus Rex side of my brain that's v loud today isn't mucking them up before i send them 🫂🫂❤️❤️
#text post#like it's genuinely nothing just bad takes online some shitty messages in my inbox on here and reddit and not sleeping well at all#attempted a nap i woke up from like tenish minutes ago and it was all a realistic nightmare#in which ct house was somehow connected to nd condo & i kept getting caught on one side or the other at a time#unable to touch or talk to anyone until i was fully on either 'side' for a good while#made the flow of time feel fucked up and i fully expected this to have been a longer nap considering how time felt in there lol#but yeah. I'm trying and im v grateful to y'all waiting for being patient with me. thank u & i promise ill have my shit together soon#(aka might take an edible and just. idek. bake maybe? my brain isn't happy doing anything rn but cookies are always good)#have a potential call with mum later i need to prep for#...worst case scenario i try to nap a bit more and hope i don't wind up stuck in that weird hallway from my dream again#worst bit was the nd cats and my mum and ct cats and Housemate on each side both trying to get me out but couldn't#really don't wanna feel as stuck as i did in this dream but hey!! maybe it's trying to tell me something lmao#not entirely sure what but that's nothing new for me lmao#normally wouldn't post like this for replies but everyone waiting follows me so i figure this reaches everyone easily enough#& hopefully is better/more useful than me going radio silent bc my brain is being a baby abt shit that means nothing lmao
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screaming in the club
time for another vent in tags
#so i was joking and i thought it came through but im also dumb and autistic and my jokes dont always cross. sO#i was joking about one of my roomates not seeing Nightmare Before Christmas before bc i was showing 2 of them my picture vinyl of it and whe#n one of them said they never saw it i said “but you were a loser on tumblr in the 2010s wdym” and their fiance was just rude to me and i th#ought it was clearly a joke but ig not and they lowley attacked me for it? im just?? i tried to clarify that i was joking and they know im a#utistic. hell the one i was joking to is also autistic but idk so now i feel like utter shit especially after all i did today thst juet drai#ned me. ive been trying to fix our 2nd shower. i had a meeting. i had an extremely hard therapy session. and i showered today. its been hell#like i am trying to get thru relapsing on SH and my ED and ofc they dont know but that shit made it worse and i dont want to say anything bc#then ill feel like im guilt tripping? idk but im also super nervous about a HRT appmt i have coming up and i cant afford it and we have no#food in the house i can eat rn and no one has gone shopping. i cant go shopping either bc i cant drive/dont have a car. and its making it#harder to help get back on track with eating when theres nothing for me to eat? so everything is fucking amazing right now.#the only meals i could POSSIBLY have and all claimed by the one roommate i was joking with. it all takes up half our freezer too so thats#fucking awesome. all this food for one person and none that i can eat or the other vegan in the house can eat. i have been hungry for DAYS.#all there has been for me to eat is cup ramen and grilled cheese. AND SOMEONE WHO WASNT FUCKING VEGAN ATE ALL THE VEGAN CHEESE IM GENUINELY#SO PISSED OFF? like dude yall have your own cheese wtf#the thing is its already really hard for me to tell when i am actually hungry bc of years of ignoring it so when i actually feel it and ther#es nothing it really gets to me. im so tired and idek where my EBT card is to get myself something. its all just so much.#i just want to lay in my bed and sleep for days. but i cant. i have too much shit to do. like even just tomorrow i have to clean the#bathroom. mop the kitchen. do dishes. shovel snow. and just generally take.care of shit because since we have 2 roomates MIA right now and#no one else wanted to do shit i had to step up and i am STRUGGLING. i have been for a while. the thing is everyone that didnt sign up for sh#it didnt have much going on besides probable seasonal depression#i relapsed. have debilitating mental health. i can barely get out of bed before 4 pm. and i have to take care of myself and my cat.#im so close to snapping on them at this point#i need the one roommate i actually like to come back or i swear i will lose my shit. hes only been gone for 6 days but HOLY SHIT#everything has gone to shit#vent over ig im going to sleep soon. still hungry if i cant find something.
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I’m trying so hard to hold it together, y’all. But I’m nearing the point of constant travel, social demands, stressful situations and work for such a sustained period with almost no break or personal time—all right after the end of graduate school, keep in mind—that I’m finding it difficult to continue functioning at all. I pulled a muscle in my back from exhaustion last week, but was forced to just keep going. I can barely even sleep anymore. I love my family, I love my jobs. But it’s getting bad, I won’t lie
Update: I love y’all ❤️🩹
#I hit a point of exhaustion where I laid down for 2 mins & crashed for 2 hrs#but I was in and out of#nightmares#the entire time#what sleep I’m getting is no longer restful because I have so much stress#currently fighting with a friend and my teacher on top of everything else#social anxiety#so debilitating that checking email rn makes me nauseated#all I want is a day to sit alone and relax and write my fanfiction#or do any individual activity#without being asked to go anywhere#or being fussed at by someone#it wouldn’t totally fix the problem. but it might help#mental illness#mental health#stress#disability#disabled#ableism#cptsd#ptsd#anxiety#social anxiety disorder#generalized anxiety disorder#depression#intrusive thoughts#there are so many problems with#accessibility#boundaries#not all of them are their fault. but the gaps in understanding get exhausting. & I have to insist on more limits even when ppl get mad
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Encase anyone was wondering why I’m blogging at 6 in the morning, yesterday was not a good day for me and I forgot to sleep.
#Emile's Arts#Mario quickly becoming the go To Comfort Character#An INTERESTING development for me at 23 years old#People are SCARY man that's. That's the lesson of yesterday#People are very very scary even when they're not meaning to be#Anyway I'm fine NOW#And I was never in a situation where this kind of reaction was deserved#I'm just a coward#Me at Mario at 4am because we both have anxiety based insomnia#The only Mental illness Luigi DOESN'T have he's out like a rock in his own bed#This is my SECOND polycule where the dynamic is;#Trauma based Insomnia + Nightmare Based Insomnia + Guy who could sleep through a hurricane#Cool great awesome this cannot keep happening to me#People can be SO intimidating without even trying and without knowing and never know ya know??#One time ONE TIME Zayne told me I seemed like an Intimidating/Scary and Pushy Person and it stuck with me SO hard#If you think I'm scary now I'm not PLEASE don't think that I'm a mouse a little guy please understand#YES I use to be in a fight club but now my bones are glass and I can't speak to another human being with my mouth words#I am NOT scary PLEASE believe me I am but a little dude#What is the point of this??#I dunno I think I'm venting#Is this what venting is???#My brothers are scary is the point I was on I have 3 very big very opinionated and very hard headed older brothers#And all three of them terrify me without knowing it#And how could I tell them that??? and what would come out of telling them that???#They're not going to CHANGE there's not a thing I could do or say to change this dynamic we have#Thank GOD I have parents who love every little bit of who I am or I would simply have absolutely nothing#What IS this post fdkgjdfkgjkdf#Mario my beloved Brother of all time safety and comfort and care#Everyone always talks about Daddy/Mommy Issues but where's the support group for Brother Issues#For Siblings who were totally traumatized by their older Brothers huh??? Where's that???
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ok its 11 i can talk about this because it doesn't count (because its 11)
#daisy.txt#SOBBBBBB i wanna do something for benny byt im still in art block#i swear to fuck college is crushing my self confidence right now but ANYWAYSSS#icanttt i canttt i want to do something but i cant draw or write right now and finals are coming up in a few weeks too sobbb#i need to feel satisfied or ill have nightmares. no reason its just if i go to sleep in any way emotionally off my mind descends upon me#like an angry deity#🎰.benny
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i love christmas in theory but its scary to me how little i remenber to do things
#im blaming it partially on work bc im so fucking tired when i get home but holy shit#ive had to write myslef multiple to do lists all over my apartment and i STILL dont remember to do things until last minute#what is happening to meeeee#i havent been sleeping well either like. consistently. for the last week and a half at LEAST#and im afraid to take melatonin bc it makes me sleep through my alarm sometimes and i cant risk thattttt#on my nightmare arc . in my memory loss era. its concerning but also. shrug emoji !#ill be in the car like . i have to do x and x and x after work and then i get home and i KNOW i had those thoughts#but i cannot for the LIFE of me remember what they were. and then its 10pm and i need to go to bed because i wake up at 5am#and i dont actually fall asleep until 1am because of the mental illness so ive been running on 4 hrs of sleep for the last two weeks#im in pain theres so kuch stuff that needs done and i cant remember any of it
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gugh :(
#neo.txt#went to sleep age regressed+having a physical trauma response/tactile hallucinations about my csa-#-and then had a nightmare about getting physically and emotionally abused by my parents. not cool#only got 6 hours of sleep before i got woke up by my mum so. prrtty shit 6 hours#gonna go sort my minecraft thing so ill probably nap after that#now im havingb TWO trauma responses. layered
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I started watching Suits today and have been playing the sims nonstop and have been reading nothing but fanfiction about gay firefighters and articles about how the CIA started a domino effect that created al qaeda and the taliban so yes I’m doing super well mentally
#I’m honestly like doing okay in a lot of aspects like I feel like I’m taking steps towards having a life I enjoy#but taking small steps over a long period of time gets so exhausting#and I keep saying ‘I just need to keep going and keep trying to add things into my life that bring me joy and then life will be better’#but it’s taking so fucking long and I’m tired of the ‘just keep going’ part and wanna get to the ‘every waking moment isnt a nightmare’ part#like can that happen now please#and I keep getting too cocky and thinking I’m there and universe does its best to push me down and put me in my place#I have a great day with a new friend at a beautiful location? cool but ur gonna be in such bad pain u can’t stand for at least 3 days after#i go out to eat with my family? sick but ur gonna get nauseous no matter what u eat and ur gonna be so exhausted ur gonna sleep for 2 days#and it’s just never gonna end is it? bc that’s the chronic part of chronic illness#this is the life I’ll be subjected to until the day I die#anyways not even my deep mental anguish can stop me from obsessively reading about the Soviet-Afghan war#and the main guy of suits is such a pathetic babygirl and I’m obsessed with him#and my sims are about to graduate college#and I’ve been writing and I made new friends and was invited to an event with them and am going to a dance party in a week#and I’m trying really hard to remember that things aren’t always awful
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Woke up from the most vivid war trauma nightmare, fuckk
#i couldn't distinct it from reality having realized its practically the end#i was with my family all curled up together while the sirens spoke about warning people to get ready for the worsf#of course that even then my abusive mother found her way to haunt us through this nightmare by calling my little sister and yelling at her#while she tries her best to not break down#while my father practically accepted its the end and admitting goodbye#i want to cry#i feel so fucking cold#i don't want to go to sleep again#ill try to stay distracted and do something anything else but to go back into this shitt
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ive made a horrible mistake. dont click on my blog until tomorrow afternoon MINIMUM
#i changed my pfp from athena btw#not par art#seriously this is a nightmare#i cant change the font.#the background is permanently that blurry star gif.#the home button is inside of the box that's supposed to be the music box#because the actual home button is broken and i dont have time to fix it.#i should NOT have tried to change my blog's theme right before going to bed... i have work and im already half an hour late to sleep!!#probably just going to use one of those artist premade themes when i get home tmrw. the crappy workarounds can be reserved for my main blog#and i forgot to mention but also literally all of the art is uncredited rn. this isnt staying. help me#OH OH NEVERMIND I FIXED THE BACKGROUND ill have to see what else i can do tomorrow before i get sidetracked again#hno no double nevermind the home button thing is fixed now too I'm so awesome. i would sacrifice sleep any day for this
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...
#i feel like im trapped in a nightmare rn. like ten min ago i was working on this application#so im summarizing information from an already established project design with no fucking idea if they is the way they want it#knowing im probably doing too much bc the guy was like yea just throw some of these ideas together. like what the fuck do u mean??? u just#gave me the project outline fuck u. and im listening to discordant dreamy vaporwave music and my boss is texting me like#did u reach out to ur last co author abt reading thru ur manuscript bc apparently i misunderstood when she said she last talked to him abt#when he could read it. its due on tuesday. which is also when im traveling home#so fucking i guess i have to hope he looks at it Monday so i cant actually edit in time to submit it that next morning or the night after#i land and get home and hope to god there arent any setbacks in submission#and it feels like a nightmare bc ive managed somehow push myself back to the brink of collapse. im exhausted despite sleeping like 10hrs#last night. at least its raining so i dont have to go sampling tomorrow#im just so tried. this application feels pointless and a waste of time bc i have these fucking manuscripts hanging around my neck. but i#said id apply so im fucking doing it. its close to done. ill finish it tonight but god at what cost#a little more than 48hrs and ill b home. assuming nothing terrible happens. home but not quite off the hook i guess#i just wanna lay on the floor for a while. lay on the floor and sleep for a while#my brain is too heavy for my head#unrelated
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almost 80 days out without cymbalta now, googling when these goddamn nightmares and occasional brain zaps stop and apparently. sometimes they just don't. or not for months. and im not even at a full three months off of it like 💀
#text post#the nightmares are the Worst like literally i would rather have sleep paralysis eps than these#and it's been every fucking night late and every nap where i sleep even sort of deeply#my love to everyone posting abt london mcm bc it's made my waking up from this most recent one much better ❤️❤️❤️#and taking my mind off the idea that this is just. not going to stop#i wish i knew how this might affect my ability to start on another snri or ssri but im not finding much on that#but i am finding a lot of 'cymbalta changed my brain forever & ruined it as much as my mental illness'#so that's. not what i was hoping to see even tho i already knew it was out there but still
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