#i struggle to write but... maybe i can draw?

[sauce-salad-bowl]

drabble idea where sans is an author underground and reader is just a video game character okay send blog post it’s under there 🤝🤝

This is embarrassing. He doesn’t even know what to write. Sans scoots away from the empty document on his computer, face buried deep in his hands. Maybe he should just cut his losses and go to sleep. Again.

But he doesn’t go to sleep. He mopes for a minute, then glances back at his computer and sighs, pulling himself closer again. Instead of agonizing over the blank page, he opens the UnderNet.

Scrolling will totally help him forget his problems.

And it does, for a few minutes.

He leaves five or twelve comments on Papyrus’ page, swipes through a few videos, only to quickly stumble onto another drawing of you. The caption says:

‘miss this game sm. whose ur fave character? ^.^’ His thumb hovers over the keypad for a moment for a moment, then he ‘likes’ it.

It was a few years ago from now when he was getting coffee with Alphys, and she was gabbing to him about the things she had found in Waterfall. He was surprised when she handed him a copy of a video game he had never seen before.

“keep it, alph. you’ll appreciate it more than me.” Sans tried to respectfully decline, honestly thinking he’d be too lazy to play.

But Alphys insisted, her claw tapping the package. “I found a b-bunch of copies, actually. I-I’ve been trying to p-pass them around, get a bunch of p-people i-into it.”

“and how many you got so far?” he asked, placing his skull in his palm.

“Uhm, Undyne! A-and Asgore, for a f-few minutes…” She pushed the game towards him on the table. “And th-they both liked it! C-Can you just try it out?”

Sans shrugged and took the game from her, doubting that he would. But he could give it to Papyrus, maybe he’d get a kick out of it. He glanced at the cover, decorated with humans in odd-looking outfits. You didn’t stick out to him, not at first.

The video game ended up on the bookstand, under his quantum physics/joke textbook, for weeks. He was a busy guy, okay?

It would’ve sat there longer too, had Undyne not been over soon after. She grabbed the dusty case and insisted that they all play, waving it around wildly.

“It’s got swords and chainsaws, awesome characters, and a totally badass story! We’ve gotta take turns between levels!” Her eye had sparkled, and Papyrus had squealed at the thought, and that was how Sans found himself on the couch, sandwiched between them and watching them play.

It was a simple RPG adventure. And honestly, it didn’t seem like anything crazy to him, so he was content with just watching. But of course after a while his brother was shoving a controller in his hand and insisting he have a turn.

“alright, alright. ulna’t get your radius in a twist.”

“OH MY GOD, SANS. JUST PLAY.”

He snorted, but complied, actually enjoying solving some of the puzzles. He thought the art style was neat, too. And the NPCs were kind of interesting.

Especially you.

You were a loyal companion to Sans’ character, and he immediately noticed how… endeared he was by you. Your dialogue genuinely made him laugh out loud— he was definitely stealing some of your material. And your character just had this… aura, no, mystery about you, like you knew something more than he did.

Maybe this game was cooler than he thought.

Sans found himself quickly exhausting your dialogue options. He was just curious about what you had to say. When Undyne started to complain, he blinked, and handed the controller to her. He’d gotten distracted.

It’s only really spiraled from there. After playing the whole thing through right after Undyne left, he’s been a fan of the game ever since.

But if someone really asked him about it, he’s not sure what he would say. He liked it, but not much else. Because he wants to seem casual about it. He is casual about it.

That’s why he’s here now, a few years later, struggling to get down thoughts about you onto his keyboard. Super casual indeed.

He sucks in a breath, finally opening the document page again. You didn’t just fascinate him. He thought about you constantly, more than he’d like to admit. He found himself seeking you out outside your game, which worked well since it became pretty popular on UnderNet. He’s read his fair share of theories about you, only half of which he agrees with.

He wasn’t sure at all what to make of it, but he knew he liked thinking about you a lot. Sans had a lot of time for daydreaming as a sentry, since no humans ever actually came through. But that didn’t mean he couldn’t imagine you, shuffling past him in the snowy forrest.

Can he write about that? Sans puts down a few sentences, but it doesn’t really go anywhere, so he deletes it.

It’s not like he hasn’t tried with, y’know, real people. But he’s found that it’s a lot of effort to make relationships work. Sans has had a few great ones, but things always just sort of fizzled out. He hasn’t given up on it, but there are only so many folks down here. And he has a funny habit of finding his way back to you.

Is his little crush odd? Uh, yeah, maybe. But when his chest swells at the thought of you, or he thinks of a joke he just wishes he could tell you, he has to admit that he’s never really felt like this before.

He startles at the sound of pots banging downstairs. Papyrus, probably starting on dinner. For some reason, he wonders if you’d like his brother’s cooking. He pictures you at the table, eating and laughing with them in their living room. It’s sweet, but he shakes his head. Still underground. Not quite what he wanted.

When he thinks about what would really make him happy, he sees himself on the surface. The sun is hot against his face, and there’s a sky that somehow never stops. And when he looks, the hand entwined with his is yours.

Suddenly, he knows what he wants to write about.

+++++

hi what’d you think?? i was sitting in bed and gardening, and this idea that i’ve had for a while kept bugging me, so i opened my drafts and had to expel. i’ve had writers block all day so im hype that i actually came up with something, even if it’s not what i planned on writing.

uh i hope it makes sense?? its late where i am, cant tell if it makes sense!! im going to bed 🛌

[izumiphoenix]

This post (and the thoughtful question and insights from @rivereverie too!) put into words so many things I’ve been thinking about recently – especially how layered and vulnerable that first night with Astarion really is. It’s not just about desire, manipulation or even growing trust… it’s also about him trying to reclaim something important, even if he doesn’t fully understand what or how to yet. And that moment can feel comforting and painful, meaningful and messy – and still very special.

I’ve tried to write about it, but it’s been really hard to express. Still, I completely agree: while it’s natural to want to protect him, especially after learning the truth, and I’ve felt that too – trying to entirely shield Astarion from intimacy kind of erases the fact that he’s allowed to want it – or not want it – in his own time, in his own way.

If you try to shield him from sex entirely, it stops feeling like an equal relationship. It can make Astarion feel like there’s something wrong with him: like he’s someone fragile who needs to be coddled, not a whole person capable of facing this and making his own choices. And that, in a way, is just another form of not seeing him fully, not believing he can get through this, or be wanted or loved as he is. Even if that’s not how you feel at all, it may look that way to him.

Reclaiming autonomy is such a crucial part of his journey. He doesn’t need a partner to make choices for him, even with the best intentions. He needs, I believe, someone who will support him, stay consistent, make him feel safe. Maybe gently check in if he’s clearly not okay, especially if he hasn’t noticed it himself. But not someone who draws those lines on his behalf.

As someone who struggles with boundaries myself, I think I’d find it equally frustrating if someone crossed a line I thought I’ve set or tried to set it for me. I might place it too far or too near at first. I might misjudge it and end up hurting myself or someone else. But that’s a necessary part of learning how to define it and protect it (I hope that makes sense!..)

And I also think the fact that you have to spend that first night with Astarion in his romance is important to his arc. Some players understandably wish it weren’t necessary (and I’ve had thoughts like that too) but it adds a lot of emotional weight to his arc, even if the moment isn’t entirely “positive.” It’s part of what makes his later growth so emotional and meaningful. It’s not very comfortable experience, but it is an important part of his path to healing and freedom.

And that’s why the grave scene hits so hard. It shows just how far he’s come and how different that intimacy feels once it’s truly real, based on trust, respect and love. He stepped back and learned to experience a kind of closeness that wasn’t physical – and that’s what led to that moment of genuine connection.

I remember crying during that grave scene. I don’t think any other love scene in media ever touched me like that. It just felt so right and so heartbreakingly beautiful 🤍

Hi, I hope it's alright to ask your thoughts on something about Astarion. I just think your posts always show a very deep understanding of Astarion as a character, especially in regards to his complicated views on sex and intimacy, and I really appreciate and respect your analyses. I'm only on my second playthrough, so I like to hear from people who have played a lot more than I have.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Astarion’s state of mind in the first sex scene in act one (I'm currently writing about it). The more I think about it, his experience seems to be a very complex mixture of both positive and negative that exist simultaneously. These are just some of my current personal thoughts (all of this in the context of the PC being someone who treats him well and is generally a good person):

This is the first time he's getting to have sex on his own terms in 200 years, and that's probably liberating, in a slightly terrified and overwhelmed way. He is likely trying to convince himself that he feels more empowered and in-control than he actually does, because he needs that feeling. 

He knows the PC better than he ever knew any of his past targets, but he doesn’t yet believe that they truly care about him, either.

The sex ends up meaning more to him than he thought it would, but I also imagine it isn't exactly enjoyable for him, given his dissociation, feelings of disgust, and the fact that this was all just supposed to be an act. 

He is also probably struggling to reconcile the fact that he’s growing to genuinely like the PC with his belief that they are fetishizing him (this also connects with your incredible post about Astarion’s feelings about feeding on the PC at this point, and how biting during sex can be enjoyable for him, though still uncomfortable in that he views it as transactional) 

He feels like his performance here is important to his survival, because in his mind he is using sex as currency to get the PC on his side. The transactional nature of it is probably comfortable in its familiarity, yet no less disgusting for him.

 So what I’m ultimately trying to ask is: 

In your opinion, how much of this experience feels positive to him vs negative? 

Which of the feelings mentioned above do you think are at the forefront of his mind going into the encounter? Which ones “win out” over others? Are there more factors I forgot / didn’t list?

(I hope I made this sound somewhat coherent. I’ve had a hard time articulating my thoughts about this scene.)

First of all, thank you so much for your kind words 😭 I’m always very touched when people say they enjoy reading my stuff. I don’t know if my understanding of the character is so relevant, all I can say is that I relate to him on many levels, and therefore I analyse him from my personal perspective. Which also means that my posts are just one interpretation among many others.

Now, concerning this scene, there’s a lot to unpack. And I first have to say that there is no clear answer to the question "Did he enjoy it or not?". IMO, it will always be yes and no. And I'm only offering a personal analysis of this ambivalent situation.

Proceed at your own discretion because I’m going to talk about trauma, SA, sex-work and complicated relations to sex in general. Be careful.

Please, keep in mind that al of this is pure speculation (and forgive the typos😅)(and this post is long and chaotic, sorry).

I globally agree with all your points, and I love that you mentioned the complexity of his feelings during this scene. We can all agree that he has contradictive feelings about sex in Act 1. It's not just disgust, not just hedonism, not just attraction, not just manipulation: it's all of this and more.

And that’s one of the things I love about the writing of this character.

Sex is always complex (for everyone) but for survivors it’s even more complicated. And I love that Astarion’s narrative stands against the “perfect victim” tropes and the idea that SA survivors are incapable of enjoying sex. Despite the decades of SA, Astarion still enjoys it and wants it, but his desire is tainted with self-loathing, with fear. He deals with those through defence mechanisms and what I’d call “automatisms” from his former experiences and obligations.  

That's why before I answer your questions, I want to add one point which can also work as a foreword to the rest of the post: Astarion is attracted to the PC.

He says it during the confession scene, and there's no reason for him to lie at this point. Likewise, if the PC tells him they can be together without having sex, he's indeed relieved, pleasantly surprised, but he jests about it being a challenge.

I think there's some truth in those words: it will be somehow challenging. First because sex is the only kind of intimacy he's known for 200 years; it's will be difficult to "quit the habit", to discover and get used to new ways to get close to someone. Secondly, because he does find the PC attractive and probably wants to be able to have sex with them without feeling bad about it.

After all, it seems like he enjoyed sex very much before Cazador turned him, since at the beginning, he thought he could still enjoy having sex with his targets.

Meaning sex wasn’t something that disgusted him before all this. He might be able to remembers (deep down) that sex can be 100% enjoyable.

Yet, it doesn’t necessarily means he’s now incapable of enjoying it; it only means that it’s going to be more complicated. He needs to rediscover how to fully enjoy it again – on his own terms – now that he’s free to give his consent.

Take the brothel scene for instance; if the PC have sex with Astarion and the Drow twins after dealing with Cazador, he's at first very excited about it. And I don't see any lie here, he's genuinely enthusiastic.

Unfortunately, during the orgy, he realises that it’s not for him ( not yet at least). Being with many people, and/or with someone that is not the PC is still an experience that triggers is trauma. But he didn't know that, he wasn't expecting his trauma to manifest. He wanted to do it, he wanted to enjoy it.

Not only he falls back into his old mechanism: sex as a performance, Astarion as an entertainer who must give the best performance to his partners, paying no attention to his own desire and needs. Followed by dissociation, which is something that happen automatically. You don't decide to dissociate. It's your brain switching off because the reality is too uncomfortable. It's survival.

Anyways, this bad experience is typical of what can happen to someone who's healing. It's normal. You want to explore your sexuality, and sometimes it works perfectly well, and sometimes not. That’s what healing is about. It's not linear, and sometimes it's messy.

It is true that some SA survivors are perpetually sex revulsed. And some of them become sex-addicts. And for most of them, it’s somewhere in-between. Still capable of enjoying sex VERY MUCH, but also finding themselves disgusted by sex sometimes for reasons they can’t really explain. There’s no rule as to how survivors experience sexual attraction. 

All of this to sat that it is clear to me that Astarion experience sexual attraction, that he is attracted to the PC and that even in Act 1, an important part of him wants to have sex with the PC.

Back to your points.

Control, habits and defence mechanisms

I like how you said he “is likely trying to convince himself that he feels more empowered and in-control than he actually does, because he needs that feeling.”

There’s definitely something in his mind that still thinks as a slave, something which believes that he must have sex to be safe. Because it was the case for as long as he can remember.

Seducing people, sleeping with them without thinking about his own needs, that's part of his habitus. His body has been a tool for so long that he still sees it as such.

It’s ingrained in his mind, and even if he’s regaining his agency, some of the seeds planted by Cazador persist in his mind (and will until the Act 2 confession). Astarion says it himself, it's instinctive. And as you put it, it's somehow comfortable, it's charted territories.

A part of him tells him his only value relies on his sexual skills. Therefore he associate sex to a “safety net”. But he probably hasn’t acknowledged that yet in act 1; he prefers to lie to himself and pretend he’s sleeping with the PC because he has become the puppet master. It's easier to think that way. But in fact, it was just a automatism, his survival instinct. So even if he’s really attracted to the PC, Astarion is still driven by fear and by a need to control how the PC feels about him (precisely because he's so afraid to lose control over the situation). And sex is the perfect tool for that. His body is the perfect tool.

[I can recall a few number of times I had sex with people while lying to myself and pretending I 100% wanted it, pretending I was the one in control, when in fact, I had sex with those persons for reasons that had nothing to do with my own desire. It doesn't mean I didn't find them attractive, it doesn't mean I regret having sex with them, but it still means that my motivations weren’t what I thought they were, that my decision to have sex was still controlled by something else in my mind, something different from my actual desire. I acknowledged it months and sometimes years later.]

When Astarion welcomes the PC in the clearing, he’s performing. When I say he’s performing, I mean in the way he presents himself and how he expresses his desire. He puts on the mask of the “mysterious sexy vampire”, keeping his voice low and his smirk sharp. He plays his part, the one he's played for years. He pretends to be the lover he thinks the PC want him to be, the overly seductive vampire with his exaggerated declarations.

I think there are several ways to explain why he feels the need to perform:

It has always worked with his target up to now

That's the only way he knows

The exaggeration is also a shield behind which he can hide his vulnerabilities

Let me explain that last point : Saying a simple “I’m attracted to you, I want to be with you tonight”, without all the grandiloquence, is not something he would do at this point (even if that's how he feels), because that would make him look vulnerable. That would mean being honest with himself and with you, letting you see his raw desire, so to speak. It would feel too real (I purposely insist on that word and you all know why), and it's easier to exaggerate the whole thing and to pretend to be the hedonistic and over-the-top vampire. After all, he’s confident, he’s been doing that for years. He knows it works. He knows he’s hard to resist.

But when you think about it, he's obviously lying, saying he wanted this to happen since his first meeting with the PC... Come on, the first time they met he was ready to kill them.

It's a lovely lie, just like the "I love you" during his second proposition for sex (I talked about it here), but when you look into it, it's far grimmer. Once more, there's a parallel between sex and death: "to have you"= Killing you. I already talked about that connection here, so I'll just quote myself: "It's possible to see Astarion's offer to kill you as a foreshadowing of him offering you to have sex with you. And considering what sex means to him at this point of his life - a tool to manipulate, which can lead to his partners to death - the parallel between the two in early act 1 makes a lot of sense to me."

But oh, They survived that first night with him! The PC is still here in the morning! That's new! It never happened to him before, waking up next to his partner. He needs to control this unusual and terrifying experience! Quick!

So I tend to think that the little remark about the PC being loud all night falls along those lines. He displays the (exaggerated) hedonistic, and over-confident part of his persona, as a way to reassert that he’s the one in control. As if saying, reminding them: "I made you (the leader of the group) scream all night because I decided to, and everybody knows about it. I’m the one calling the shots.” 

But I think it's also as way to hide how he really feels about that night. So instead of opening up and saying how he feels about it, he teases the PC about their own enjoyment. Another defence mechanism.

And yet, the mask cracks a little bit when he asks if the PC want to lose themselves in him; he suddenly looks terribly sad…

That’s probably a line he’s said thousands of times before and those who agreed did get lost… in death

It brings him back to the feeling of being a toy for others to enjoy, for people to use so they can "lose themselves"

The feeling on his face there is what he's trying to hide during this scene. He's wearing that mask (which will come back later if you ascend him), because he needs to protect himself. Not even sure if he acknowledges it at this point. It's an automatism.

But I believe that as the night unfolds, he finds himself enjoying it.

Maybe that’s just me, but I tend to feel like he’s getting more like his playful and silly self when you let him bite you. Whereas if you trust him to not bite, he keeps on performing, in control, like he was told to do by Cazador. 

If you let him bite you, you roll on the ground and he looks pleasantly surprised. And I think he starts to have fun here.

(Shadowheart, please)

And I think he can enjoy it even if he dissociates. As I said, the switch is automatic when the brain finds itself in a situation that represents some kind of danger or discomfort. For two hundred years, Astarion experienced sex in a way that was all but comfortable, sex he didn’t really want. It makes sense that his brain automatically switches off. Even though he’s having a good time here, intimacy itself is a trigger, no matter how much he's enjoying it. It’s instinctive, just like flirting is instinctive to him, paradoxically.

And I find the way he explains it quite interesting: he pretends it’s because of his bloodlust, because he didn't want to get carried away.

You see in his eyes that he’s lying. And I kinda like it because it’s sooo relatable. Finding excuses to justify dissociation or plain detachment during sex? yeah, that something I did, with answers along those lines: “I didn’t want to hurt you/I didn’t want to be too intense/I didn’t want to be too loud/I didn't want to scare you/I'm a little tired/etc."

And I still think he enjoys it even if he’s not 100% into it. He keeps his distance (mentally, emotionally) and it’s normal because he’s careful, because he doesn’t really know how to let go. And (healthy, happy) sex is about letting go completely, it‘s about trusting someone and allowing yourself to be completely free from your mental and physical restrains and automatisms.

It’s easy to understandable why he can’t fully let go: he’s afraid, because he’s not 100% sure he can enjoy this, because he doesn't know how the PC will behave, and because he still must be in control.

His body knows how it works, so he lets his body act automatically,  that body which have danced the same dance thousands of time. He doesn’t have to think and it’s easier not to think. Easier and apparently safer than following his true desires. Here again, it's an automatism: his body knows, he can switch his mind off, protecting it from potential bad memories, protecting him from his own desire and feelings, protecting him from the temptation of being himself.

He can’t let go, he has to be in control. if only to make sure he will offer his partner the best performance. Even if he's enjoying the moment because the PC is respectful, playful, gentle or whatever you imagine for this first night, he can't let go.

As you said, he’s convinced the PC is only here for his looks – But think about it: Astarion himself never offered anything other than sex, he didn’t pretend he was in love with the PC. He only offered his body. By doing so, he's also protecting himself from potential feelings (theirs or his) of attachment and affection.

It's like saying “Don’t get attached to me. It’s just SEX”. He pulls up his own walls to keep the PC outside. It's another contradiction: he suffers from being seen as a beautiful and shallow individual who’s only good for sex, but he says upfront that he won’t give more than sex. He keeps the PC away (emotionally) while suffering from it. That’s another defence mechanism, combined with the fact that he probably still see himself as a "mean to an end" (unconsciously), unable to see that he can be someone else than the "hedonistic and heartless vampire."

Besides, it's probable that he doesn’t believe it’s even possible for anyone to care about him. So he anticipates a potential emotional disappointment by saying that it’s only sex, convincing himself as much as to convince the PC that there’s nothing more to expect from it.

Positive/negative experience

You asked how much of this experience feels positive to him vs negative. Let's recap.

Positive feelings:

Excitement (first time having sex on his own terms + he’s attracted to the PC)

Physical pleasure (sex + blood if the PC lets him bite them)

Fun

A sense of freedom

Relief and a sense of pride (they fell into his trap)

A newfound affection (they trust him, they respect him)

Good surprise (he can still have fun while having sex!)

The PC being who they are (more about this later)

Negative feelings:

A sense of obligation

Fear

PTSD

The need to perform and make sure they enjoy it

Habits that make him serve instead of just enjoy the moment

Guilt

Confusion

Disgust

Feeling of being used (even if the PC isn't exactly "using him"; they accept his offer and they're not to be blamed for it)

One could think that the negative feelings are more important, and true, those bad feelings can be destructive. But I don’t think the unbalance is so evident, maybe because the positive feelings are all completely new to him, therefore they may be particularly powerful.

But in fact, they're all entangled and messy, and I believe Astarion himself can’t really make sense of them.

And later, he sums it up all on his own.

What we know, is that a few days later, he remembers that night as a good experience. And exceptionally good experience.

And tbh I think that’s what matters: What he makes of this night, how he digests and, remembers it, and he looks back at it. It was special. Special enough for him to admit it.

He admits it feels different with you, it feels good with you -- but he can't yet get rid of the negative feelings sneaking back in the back of his mind, ruining what should be a lovely moment.

As for the main feeling at the forefront of his mind… I don’t think it would be one feeling, but more a motivation: “I must stay in control” (whether he succeeded is up to discussion). In the end, I think he manages to suppress his main fears, to keep a certain distance, while at the same time finding himself surprised to be enjoying it.

Questionable motivations and enjoyment

As a SA survivor myself and a former sex-worker, there are so many things that fall close to home both in terms of ptsd, of performance and habitus. I perfectly see how desire, obligations, attraction and disgust can mingle until they become difficult to set apart. {Mind you, I’m not saying that sex-work and sex-abuse are one and the same, far from it. One can be a sex-worker and have never been abused].

In the case of Astarion, he’s first and foremost a survivor, and even if he compares himself to a prostitute a few times, he had no choice in doing it. Therefore, it's not sex-work, it’s human trafficking.

Yet, it's still transactional, and just like a sex-worker, he had to perform, to let the partner(/client) believe that he wanted them, that he wanted it, that he was enjoying it, even when it wasn’t the case. Remember how he made Sebastian believe he was head over heels for him.

During the first night with the PC, Astarion decides to have sex without anyone forcing him to do it. But he doesn’t do it out of sheer lust and attraction. He does it because he wants to keep himself safe and he thinks that’s the only way. Which is, imo, closer to what a sex-worker would do: having sex for money because they need that money to pay the rent or whatever they need to survive. No one is forcing them, except the material conditions and (in Astarion’s case at least) cognitive bias (the belief that he’s “only good at that”) + long terms habits.

And just like a SW, he has to make them believe that he's totally into it (believe me, client don't enjoy it as much if the SW doesn't pretend to be attracted to them).

Look at him, he’s performing. He's said those lines multiples times before. Even the movement of his hand: it’s theatrical. It’s planned and calculated.

This too is instinctive. He's done that for years and he is good at it.

Look at the shift, look how easy it is for him to put on a smiling face to "open a lot of doors" (and legs).

And after pretending to be attracted to those persons, he had to pretend sleeping with them didn't affect him. That too falls close to home.

That line in particular. SO FUCKING RELATABLE IT HURTS.

In my experience, there had been bad experiences. But you go on, because you need to. And to protect your own sanity, you stick to the idea that it's fine, that you can do that again. That it doesn't matter.

But it does matter.

And yet....

In the case of SW (which should always be consensual), being with a client can be a nice experience. Some clients are attractive, some clients are very sweet and respectful, some clients are very good fucks, some clients are all of this (and some clients are bastards but we’re not talking about them here). In any case, they are still clients. As a SW, I didn’t see them as potential ‘real’ lovers, and I wouldn’t have considered sleeping with them in any other situation. It doesn’t mean the experience was bad. I had genuine O with some clients and really enjoyed the company of some of them.

It seems contradictory, but it's real.

Back to Astarion: at the beginning of the meeting it ultimately starts with a performance, like the SW pretending they really want it (whereas they're only do it for money), but it might turn into a really good moment for everyone involved.

And IMO, that's more or less what's happening here with Astarion.

It's a tricky thing to explain because I really don’t want to look like I’m promoting forcing anyone to do anything. Sex should ALWAYS happen in a situation in which all the persons involved are 100% sure they want to do it, and 100% sure their partner(s) want to do it.

But there are exceptional situations (such as sex-work or what Astarion’s going through here, and I can think of other cases), where sex remains enjoyable even if the original motivations weren’t that clear. It’s not fully incompatible. Clearly, that’s NOT a healthy way to deal with your sexuality!!! But it can happen. And the main point here is that it still relies on consent. The person fully consents to do it, but they do it for “questionable” reasons (whether they acknowledge it or not), and they enjoy it in spite of having questionable reasons to do it. It can happen.

I think that’s what happens to Astarion at this point.

(That being said, I repeat it: ALWAYS make sure your partner is fully into it, and NEVER force yourself to have sex if you’re not 100% sure you want it!)

From a transaction to something else

It’s interesting to notice that if the PC refuses to have sex with him in the clearing, he doesn’t really seem to care.

He’s probably disappointed because his plan failed, but his reaction is very different from the reaction you get if the PC rejects him after the first night (my post on this matter here) when he seems really sad to be rejected. It means, I think, that this first night was REALLY meaningful – his heartfelt reaction to your rejection to spend another night together makes it clear. That first night was special since his reaction to your refusal is so very different.

In any case, if the PC refuses during that first night, he says he thought you had an “understanding", and it somehow evokes me something like a transaction (as you rightly mentioned in your message).

And it's not the first time he compares sex with the PC to a transaction. The first time he offers them to sleep with him, he presents it as a reward for letting him bite the PC. It's transactional: You let me feed, I give you sex.

He thinks that’s what sex is about. He has never known anything else, or maybe he did a long time ago but can’t remember.

I wrote that long post about how feeding him can be quite problematic given how he might see it as a transaction (here and here): Offering the the vampire bite kink in order to be fed and survive. It’s the same here.

He knows the PC enjoyed being bitten, he’s convinced they're attracted to him, and by being the one who gives "a reward", he presents himself in a position of control. I “allow” you to have sex with me, since you want it so much: I’m the one making that decision, having more power over you.

After all, in his mind at this point, sex is a question of power. (And if he ascends he undeniably falls back into that pattern; treating sex as a reward, as something to use to better control the PC)

You put it rightly in your message, there's also some sort of familiarity with that transactional system that is deeply comforting.

I won't lie, back in the days, it was sometimes difficult for me to be with someone who wasn't a client, because my partners then didn't expect anything from me. Whereas clients always expect something specific, if only in the SW's behaviour, or/and concerning the acts themselves. And it was comforting. I knew what I had to do to please them. But as I said, it didn't always keep me from having a good time with some clients. It's not incompatible. That's why I think Astarion can still enjoy it even though he's performing, and can get attached to the PC even if it started as something more or less transactional.

And that's precisely why it must have been so destabilizing for him!

After all, when that first night together happens, he appreciates the PC (you need enough approval to sleep with him). As you pointed out, they've already spent several days/weeks together, shared a lot things... That's new to him, sleeping with someone he knows and appreciates.

As a SW, I had defined through the years a clear line between people I met for the job, and people I met outside of it. There was no confusion between the two, even for the long-terms clients – even for the clients I cared about. I liked them, but we weren’t friends, we weren’t partners, we weren’t lovers. And we would never be.

I would say that in the case of Astarion, that separation exists, but it’s not as well defined because, despite his experience, all his partners were destined to end up dead (for all he knew) and he barely knew them anyway. He didn’t have to clearly define that separation because there was no opportunity, no room for him to get attached to them. He saw a target, seduced them, slept with them and they disappeared forever.

It was “easy”, he didn’t have to question the nature of his relationship with them. Whereas after that first night with the PC, they’re still there, alive, and they’re still being this great leader who cares about him and his needs, who values him as a person, someone whose company feels good. His habitus is all messed up and his mental pattern is no long relevant.

{From personal experience, and SW put aside, many years ago, before I really started working on my traumas, I forced myself to believe that I didn’t need affection, tenderness, care. I would never allow myself to cry, I refused to get attached to people (except some very close friends). Because I wanted to be in control of my feelings, I thought it made me look stronger, not showing any kind of vulnerability. I was 27 or 28 when I first experienced genuine tenderness and care while having sex and I realized that there was a softness inside me I had hindered for years and that I actually loved tenderness. Before that, I would run away at the first sign of affection, because it made me feel deeply uncomfortable (and vulnerable).  And when I finally accepted to experience it, it was completely destabilizing. It felt good, but I needed time to adapt.}

Astarion realizing that he wanted something real, soft, and gentle with the PC might have had the same kind of effect, but worse.  Because he was supposed to be manipulating the PC, to pull the strings, and he suddenly found himself being “manipulated” by his own feelings.

It must have been terrifying for him, realising that he could feel something like this. Because it means he doesn’t control himself (his feelings) as much as he wants to, as much as he thought he could. He "falls" for the PC, the expression itself being one of vulnerability.

For him, falling in love = falling into a trap. He was supposed to be the one crafting that trap, and he ends up being trapped by his (uncontrollable) feelings.

That's why he can sound so cynical about your affair. This banter is from Act 2 if you romance him:

He feels uncomfortable, not because you had sex, but because it actually means something, and he doesn't not how to deal with it. It's easier to joke about it than to admit that maybe he's not so much in control.

It's not the PC's fault

He’s hurt, he has PTSD, but he can now think by himself and make his own choices, for better or worse.

It’s normal for us, fans who know the rest of the story, to worry about him and to not want to have him do something he's not fully into. But we should give him some credits and let him experience sex his own way.

When you’re a survivor, sometimes you have great sex experience, sometimes your PTSD will ruin it, and you won’t be able to go through with it. Sometimes you have sex for bad reasons, sometimes you regret it and sometimes you’re proud of it. Sometimes you have healthy sex and sometimes you use it to hurt yourself. It’s normal. That’s what healing is about and how you learn to define your boundaries.

Astarion didn’t have any body agency for two centuries, it’s coherent that his first experience as a free man is driven by questionable reasons. You can’t expect him to immediately find a healthy way to deal with his sexuality.

For instance, if you don't sleep with him at the party, he spends the night with Lae'zel, and imho it's even worse.

She shamelessly uses him like a toy, and he knows about it. But it's still his decision to sleep with her, even if his motivations aren't "good". You can't take that away from him on the pretext of protecting him. He doesn't need that kind of infantilisation. Same thing when he decides to sleep with the PC.

The thing is that the PC can’t know. As benevolent and respectful and selfless as the PC is, it’s part of Astarion's storyline that they don’t notice anything. He does his best to keep the mask up because the last thing he wants is to look vulnerable to you.

And he knows it's not the PC's fault. He slept with them for questionable reasons and he feels bad about it; not because he thinks they hurt him, but because he knows he mostly hurt himself, and he feels bad for manipulating the PC.

He doesn't blame the PC for it, and I'm sure it's not because he's deluded by his sense of guilt. After all, he never blamed his targets for sleeping with him, even the "villains" among them. They're not the enemies.

Those who hurt him didn't hurt him because they accepted to sleep with him, but more probably because of their behaviours during sex.

Besides, if the PC uses the confession dialogue to trick him into sleeping with them again, Astarion accepts before realising how disgusted he feels about it, and there he blames the PC for it, because here they explicitly abused his trust, using his vulnerabilities against him. It's still difficult for him to say no, especially to someone he respects, but he can say no when he's not taken aback in his most vulnerable moments (again: he doesn't sleep with the PC at all if there's not enough approval). Sleeping with him that first night doesn't make the PC an abuser.

In act 1, the PC has no way to know how Astarion is feeling about sex, The PC is one that fool who wanted to love him...

Trust

I already mentioned how pleased he looks when the PC let him bite them, and I think it has to do with trust. They accept to spend the night with him although they know he's a vampire and they trust him not to drink too much. Look at his reaction if the PC warn him not to bite.

He's really disappointed, enough to put an end to this affair. The tone he uses here doesn't seem 100% genuine, though, masking indignation? frustration? sadness? I don't know, but the "it's about pleasure" sounds so fake to me.

He nonetheless decides to not sleep with the PC - he listens to himself and realises he doesn't want to spend the night with someone who can't trust him. The PC has taken back their trust and reduced him to his vampiric nature (as something bad). Whereas if they sleep with him, they show him that they accept him.

That’s what makes that night so special: not thanks to some sort of “collective ecstasy” but thanks to mutual trust. The PC trusts him not to hurt them. Astarion trust them not to abuse him. He’s not ready to be vulnerable, but he allows himself to enjoy that moment with the PC, despite his plan, despite his past. Because they've both come this far and the PC has proved him multiple times that he could rely on them. It’s a fragile trust at this point, but it’s still more than  what he’d ever had before.

An essential step

IMHO this scene is essential in the romance route. I know some players wished there could be an option to romance him without sleeping with him, and I perfectly understand why. Realizing that he might have not be totally into it is painful. It’s uncomfortable. I also understand that if the PC is demi-sexual/ace, it makes the romance road a bit awkward. And it’s a valid feeling.

You can romance him without sleeping with him as Karlach origin, and that's because it's Karlach. The tension arises from the fact she can’t and wants it so much (for good reasons), whereas Astarion can and wants it somehow (for questionable reasons). That road is specific to them both because they are a mirroring one another.

Karlach aside, the thing is that in terms of narrative growth and storyline, this first night is the starting point of his healing journey. For the first time in 200 years, he has sex in a safe environment. For the first time, he finds a partner who trusts him enough to sleep with him even though they know he’s a vampire who could bite them. For the first time in his existence he can have real fun while having sex, he can be silly and roll on the ground. And maybe during this moment, he’s no longer the “sexy vampire” but just a man frolicking in the forest with someone he's attracted to. And again, it's still his decision, no matter how "bad" his motivations are. We should give him some credit.

I think it’s a brave move from Larian to put the players in that situation, to make them face the harsh reality of trauma. The harsh reality of being with someone who has such complicated feelings towards sex because of their trauma. It’s real. Very real. And it feels good to be seen.

You don’t always know the past of your sexual partners. You don’t always know what’s in their mind when you’re sleeping together. And if you happen to learn the harsh truth, it stings.

The Act 2 confession wouldn't be such a powerful scene without the first night. Astarion wouldn't have appeared so brave. Telling the PC about his former motivations must have been incredibly difficult, telling them "I wanted it but wasn't really into it" is freaking brave, and it's a token of trust he gives to the PC. Without that first night, it would have fallen flat. The PC would have just felt some kind of pride for not falling for his flirting and...that's it. Good, have a medal. Instead, the narrative puts the PC in an uncomfortable position, asking them: "Can you accept that? Because that's what trauma looks like and it's ugly."

That first night is inherent to Astarion's storyline, and to its message. That man goes from someone whose only reason to exist is being a sensual, sexual being in a cruel environment - someone who cannot connect with others without sex - to a man who finds out that he’s more than that, that sex doesn’t have to be dangerous, that’s it’s so much more than a game of power. And when you compare his grandiloquent attitude during that first night to his behaviour in the graveyard scene, it’s even more telling.

Those two scenes need to exist side by side to make sense, to reveal the evolution.

Everything about him in the graveyard scene - his body language, the look in his eyes, his voice - is a reversed image of that first night. He’s at peace, he doesn’t have to use those stupid lines about “mutual ecstasy” and how he will “taste you”, he doesn’t look down on the PC or look away. He looks into their eyes and tells them with his own words that he’d love to have sex with them.

But you have to experience both situations for the graveyard one to be so powerful. To witness that beautiful evolution. And Astarion too; he has to experience a “not so real” night with the PC to know that he wants something real with them.

It makes it all the more meaningful and sweeter. And imo, the graveyard scene is so freaking hot! Much more than that first night! Because it's genuine. It’s simple. He knows what he wants, his motivations are clear. It’s a man telling his lover “I want you”. A man who's learning to decipher what he really wants and to express it. And it’s more than enough.

[Let’s be honest, it’s been quite challenging to write all this. I rarely talk about my past online (for obvious reasons) and this scene means so much to me. Analysing it feels a little bit like analysing myself. And if you ever went through therapy, you know how hard it is xD In any case, that’s still my pov, based on my personal experience. I don’t pretend I hold the keys to a universal truth about it. We all have our own experience and sensibilities, and all of them are valid, even if we don’t agree in our interpretations.]

Thank you again @rivereverie for giving me the opportunity to dig into all this. I hope my humble opinion will help.

Last thing, a moment a god I wrote a short fic about Astarion’s preparing himself for that first night, and it’s here.

[plutonious]

something something @starlightseer’s tags over here

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Why would you—That's not—I just wanted to ask for help, why did you have to go and make it awkward???

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[cimmerian1275]

@shaotie hope u dont mind the @ but i instantly got reminded of all your incredibly well-written, leo-angst fics with this idea. Thought youd love to read the angst potential of this one <3

Anyways-

Im gonna ramble about this because like woh, wooohhhh, whuuuhhhhhh... Its gonna rattle around in my brain for days. I love these quietly sad stories.

Ive read some Robot Leo fics and theyve destroyed my feels with their sad or unfinished endings where Donnie's just made a simple AI thats incredibly Leo-like n all. One of em (that was finished) just had a super vague "they act too real to be just an ai but the author never confirmed nor denied" so it was left up to interpretation... and the ending was happy/sad with the ai asking to be "let go/let me rest in peace" kind of thing.

But this??? THIS!? HHHHRRRRRR......

THE POTENTIAL!!! They dont know its possessed by the actual Leo thats slowly just manipulating the AI/taking control more and more overtime?? WHU

His bros wouldnt want to get attached to that thing bc, its just a robot! Just Donnie's way of coping that theyve all reluctantly agreed to... (THEYRE STILL GREIVING) Itd probably be rlly awkward for everyone else having a robot clone of your dead brother/friend/sensei walking around. And he gets more lifelike overtime bc Leo's slowly taking control!? Starts getting eerily more accurate to the real Leo? They begin to notice the mannerisms an AI (even one so advanced) somehow has begun to perfect to an insane degree, says things an AI shouldnt even know/be able to come up with but the real Leo does. Does the voice of the robot slowly get closer and closer to Leo's real voice because of the possession? Instead of recorded sounds and reactions, does it start making unique sounds because of it? (Did donnie program the AI/robot to have his memories??? If not, then itd freak them out if it began recalling/referencing things only Leo and the fam knows about. But thatd probably clue them in an ruin the end goal of the plot tbh... BUT STILL)

And when it starts breaking the coding, and disobeying commands, and trying to hang out with the bros who are just severely disturbed and no where near ready for Donnie's eerily similar robot to interact with them, that seems to be trying to replace Leo? What line did Leo cross for Donnie to destroy the robot...? Did his brothers draw the line or did Donnie? Did Leo approach one of his brothers and try to comfort them but it backfired? Did Raph order Donnie to do it? The robot could remind Raph of that possessed rabbit (yk the one hehe) or Mikey couldnt handle seeing Leo's face on a robot, or Donnie couldnt take something of his going awry again when the AI stopped listening... especially when THIS project means so much to him? Maybe theres a final straw, and all the little things just pile up until someone snaps. But on the other hand theres just Leo's ghost trying to return to his fam, spend time with them. Leo doesnt want to be alone so he spends every moment he can around them. He probably isnt fully aware/there at first either... Does he know hijacking the robot wasnt intentional? Does he think Donnie planned this/made a body for his spirit, or that its an accident. OR, did he see Donnie making a robot and take this as his opportunity to return? Didnt know if itd work because his spirit form was so weak, but took a chance and tried anyway?

Can he control it when its powered off? When its powered off/charging is Leo forced out or does he 'sleep'. Does it even need to be charged? Maybe he doesnt need sleep.

What about that learning curve when he begins to override the AI? Whats that like? He probably feels powerless/like a spectator at first, but when he first finally makes the robot follow one of his commands...? The implications!! If he can control it he can come back instead of just watching like an outsider.

But, the thing is when he breaks the coding/doesnt follow whatever rules it just backfires on him because they dont know its Leo possessing it. Does Leo know they dont know? Probably, pretty quickly. Hes just stuck here trying to live a second life. Maybe he tries to tell them, but everyones in denial, or just think its Donnie's coding gone haywire again and become self aware like Shelldon.

Trying to think about whats going on for Leo when Donnie destroys the robot hes living in... just hurts too much to put into words........ that whole situation D:

Little idea I just had:

After Leo's tragic death, Donnie builds a robot that looks just like Leo (like in all those fanfics). The twist? Leo's actual spirit possesses the robot.

At first, Leo's ghost can't do much. He's weak, and so the robot just follows its intended programming while Leo goes along for the ride. But slowly, as Leo gets used to his new existence, he learns to override the robot's AI, and basically use the robot as a new body. But, there's a problem.

Leo's brothers don't know that the robot is possessed. So when Leo starts to disobey the robot's programming, it causes issues. Donnie barely convinced the family to let him undertake this project, and now, his robot is getting far too invasive, clinging to it's "brothers" even when explicitly commanded not to. Of course, this is just Leo trying to interact with his family after being thrust into the spirit realm. But in everyone else's eyes, it's a weird and creepy robot, with faulty AI that can't understand boundaries.

Finally, Donnie has enough. The robot crosses a line, so Donnie takes it out into a sewer tunnel and destroys it, smashing it into scrap metal. The family is glad to be rid of the thing, which they began to see as a flawed coping mechanism. But Leo's spirit still clings to the robot.

And Leo is terrified. He doesn't understand what happened, or why Donnie would do something like that to him. Leo had been using the robot to live a second life, to speak and move freely, to talk with his family. And once Donnie destroys the robot, that is all ripped from him. Without a vessel to ground him in the mortal world, Leo is forced back into the spirit realm, separated from his brothers all over again, rejected by his family. And in his confusion, Leo gets angry.

Strange little things start to happen in the lair. People get calls that just play static, mystic powers fail more often than usual, Donnie's tech malfunctions. It's weird, but no one minds too much.

Then, one day, Donnie walks into his lab, to see Leo's robot, sitting on the table. It's perfectly repaired, to the extent that no one could even tell it was broken in the first place. It's eyelights are on, and it slowly looks up at Donnie.

"I hate you," It says in a perfect copy of Leo's voice. "I hate you."

And for the first time since his robot was finished, Donnie understands that something is very, very wrong.

[v-arbellanaris]

tbd later

i think tht pisses me off the most abt the dalish in terms of how theyre written is the conflation between like. land back movements when it comes to the dalish vs zi onism and how basically this is addressed in truly horrific ways no matter which route you decide to go down

others have done loads of posts on the dalish being allegorical for indigenous peoples, so i wont reiterate that too much. but the problem is that with the addition of datv this is... simply not true. the elves are not the first peoples of thedas -- the dwarves are. the elves, mirroring z ionism, literally show up in the waking world, and violently colonise the space and hoard the resources. im still 98% sure that solas' orb in dai was a titan heart, and the elves were literally mining for lyrium. there are direct parallels between the arguments that z ionists make for settler colonialism in p alestine vs the in-world justifications for the "war" on the titans & dwarves. the ancient elves literally steal the bodies of the titans, mirroring i srael's history of stealing organs and even skin from p alestinian prisoners. elves' arguments of the lands being theirs etc is simply... untrue. and land back movements for the elves when we take this history into account is... an argument for settler colonialism. the land they were "given" by maferath, i.e. the dales, was literally never theirs but it gains such a sinister overtone, and again, parallels western nations "giving" p alestine to z ionists who demanded a state, with the assumption it was "theirs" first. and it wasn't.

at the same time, bw has gone out of it's way to draw clear parallels to the history of the j ewish peoples - between things like the long walk, the exalted march on the dales (harding even says "never again" when you get to the exalted plains), history of slavery for modern elves, etc - all create such a frustrating conflation between j ewish people and z ionism that pisses me off to no fucking end.

it's damn near impossible to solve for me as someone who is neither indigenous nor j ewish, because this representation is not for me. either i ignore datv and the end half of dai to draw more strongly on parallels between indigenous peoples and the dalish, at the expense of ignoring j ewish representation in the narrative. or i buckle down and directly address the z ionist nonsense, which leaves me with a horrible argument for indigenous land back movements. like how do i rework this!!!!!!!!!!!

when i fucking get you, bioware. when i fucking get you, david gaider!!!!!!!!!!!

[beneathsilverstars]

oh no i’ve always been the one in my family saying “everyone write your christmas wishlists! i want to buy everyone lots of presents so you have to write lots of ideas! it’s wishlist time! here’s the google doc link please fill it up! what do you mean you can’t think of anything!!”

but i think sometime between last year and this year i became the sort of adult who can’t think of anything….

[araneitela]

Me staring at test results: It makes so much sense for her, but if I don't specify or elaborate, then we end up with the fanon take. Ugh, how do I easily explain that if you look at the word 'sex' through a much more old-fashioned lens instead of the modern one, that you'll get a vastly different picture of it?

/takes angycat.png typing to my tags

[inorganicorgan]

I used that error message generator to make some errors for Rumi and Sera (for future use in art)

[mimir97477906]

im so sosry for ranting abour this again but auhgufhgh im making a ref sheet of my ocs for myself beacse EVERYTIME I DRAW THEM THEY LOOK SOOOSK DIFFERENT os i thoguht maybe this can help me memorize their faces but EVEN THO IM USING GUIDELINES THE SAME CHARACTER LOOKS LIKE DIFFERENT PEOPLE ITS JUST A HEAD TURN AROUND I CANT DO THIS I FEEL SO VIOLENT WHY IS MY ART STYLE HAVING AN IDENTITY CRISIS HOWWWWWWW DO I FIX THIS

[ruinlost]

I have done it,the about page is completely updated now I have added all ive been meaning to add to it including updated art..huzaah-!

[dunmanticarchivistsmain]

istg one more beautiful piece of writing inspired by my self indulgent doodling and im gonna explode into one million pieces on fire <3

Round 3 fired and away! For your latest art, I'm sure we will have a perfectly normal conversation about this (and secret life tomorrow once I've watched it). Not sure if I need to put warnings on this, somewhat heavy on the selfwhump in the first bit

When Scarlet Pearl rose from the crater of Scott's sacrifice, she was untouched by the violence, as though the carnage of the previous day had not occured. Mindlessly she set about collecting the detrius of the casualties, a half-remembered habit of tidying up. A battered diamond chestplate, a bloody sword, a splintered bow. All with no body to bury. Nonetheless, she piled it into individual chests and heaped a mound of dirt over each. Sticking a sign over these graves, she left an epitaph for their ending.

"Scott, the star that went off with a bang"

"Martyn & Cleo, divided in life and death"

"Impulse & Bdubs, something wicked their way came"

"Etho & Joel, the boat burned, everything burned"

At last, with Jimmy and Tango's death already marked, she made her way back to her tower, a single leftover sign tucked away. One with her name on it. One last ending.

The lonely perches of her tower loomed out of her exhausted reach. It didn't seem worth the effort, to climb all the way up, to where pain had made its home in her heart. Scarlet Pearl wondered aloud, to no one but Tilly, if she should just dig her own grave and wait for death to claim her.

A reply unexpected came from the rustling in the brush.

"Who's there?" Scarlet Pearl called out, gripping her axe, then thought better of it. She did after all, call for the end. And Tilly didn't seem to mind whoever was out there, tail wagging and head tilted in confusion. A state of mind shared by Scarlet Pearl, for she was sure of being alone. She was cursed to be; victory had ensured it. She fell to her knees, letting the happy, silly look on Tilly fill the imminent void.

"You", whispered a voice that was at once familiar and foreign to her ears.

"That's not an answer mate", her head turned to the source of the voice.

Stepping out was an impossible figure. A worn blue hoodie, flowing brown hair and piercing grey eyes. Scarlet Pearl had to look away, she could not meet her mirror's gaze. Was it one of pity? Was it contempt? She could barely guess from a glimpse; would Death be so cruel to use herself in its image?

The question of who was an instinctive one, but the thought made her shudder, jumbling her words "who- why are you here?"

"You. I'm here for you."

"Get away from me!"

Shaking her head reflexively in denial, Scarlet Pearl fumbled for a weapon, finding the sign with her name on it and raised it in one shaking hand. In the depths of despair, her instincts found she would not let Death take her without a fight yet. She was Scarlet Pearl, undefeated and unscarred, survivor of the death games-

The apparition, as she was fully revealed in the moonlight, was no perfect replica of her. Patched up scrapes, bandaged wounds littering her unarmored skin. They looked to be in a real rough state, Scarlet Pearl could easily take on this version of her. But there was something about how her mirror carried themself, the gentleness in their voice, that paralyzed Scarlet Pearl. Not from fear or resignation. But an ugly, painful envy of the affection in her mirror's eyes.

How could she love or be loved ever again?

This Pearl sank to her knees in front of Scarlet Pearl, interlocking one of their hands. Scarlet Pearl was torn, her touch starved self cried out for the first human contact in days? Weeks-, wait human? That hand fit in hers so smoothly, they were undeniably her own.

"You're not Death" Scarlet Pearl said, feeling exceptionally foolish for being unable to recognise herself. Tilly clearly did, nuzzling between the two happily.

"I am no more Death than you are," the other Pearl agreed, gently prising the sign from her other hand, leaning it against the base of the tower then capturing her limp fingers with their own warm ones.

"I'm just the you, who you'd let lead you home."

The last gasp of adrenaline faded; oh Void she was so tired, so bone-deep tired of being alone. All Scarlet Pearl could do is clutch those hands, as though they'd fade away if she didn't.

But they were already were, the Pearl-that-was-her slowly becoming less substantial as their warmth lingered and spread.

"Don't leave me! How will I get home? Where even is a home for me?" she cried plaintively, the numbness wearing off, the pain sweeping in.

"Hold me in your heart. Hold your hurts; and hold closer the hope of their healing."

She could already feel her grasp slipping, her mauled mending mirror of a self, fading, no, melding into her. Gashes opened where swords have left their mark, bruises bloomed with a fresh vengeance and her heart felt like it was torn from her chest anew.

"Home is where they are waiting for you."

The last wisps of their fingers parted and Pearl collapsed, falling forwards-

Pearlescentmoon fell out of this world Pearlescentmoon joined the game

Into loving arms.

[ozzyfromthecafeteria]

trying to search for tips for doing art sucks because some of them are just. oh do this style! oh don’t do this style! thog don’t caare about stylization i need to learn Shapes and Colors!!

[geometricalien]

15 people, 15 questions

Tagged by @ultfreakme thank you!! 💕💕

1.) Are you named after anyone?

My first name is biblical and since my parents are Christian and my sibling also has a biblical name, I always presumed it was bc of that. My middle name though is actually a last name from my lineage

2.) When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday! It was day 2 of being home alone since my roommate left for the week and I was feeling particularly lonely since another friend wasn't able to hang out with me the last couple of days in addition to feeling isolated from family during the holiday season Plus being on my period --- yeahhh

3.) Do you have kids?

No. Nope. Nuh uh. Ask me again in 10 years

4.) What sports do you play/have played?

I did volleyball and basketball a lot in my youth, did soccer in elementary school

5.) Do you use sarcasm?

Sometimes. Mostly only with friends when we know we are being sarcastic and are playing it up? Otherwise, I'm just such a literal person I hardly use it elsewhere (even when my friends and I are joking/using sarcasm we often say "just kidding" afterwards)

6.) What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Honestly height and hair. I have such bad face blindness, and I've had it forever. But I'll remember if someone was taller/shorter than me and their hair color

7.) What’s your eye colour?

Grayish blue. They were described like ice before if that helps

8.) Scary movies or happy endings?

Depends on my mood. I like horror movies and there are just so many different kinds- I haven't found a movie that genuinely scares me in a long time though... The last one I remember was Nope. I walked out of the theater and was just watching all the clouds in the sky fkdlsajf

9.) Any talents?

Nothing is really coming to mind... I guess I'm crafty? And it shows itself in different ways. I enjoy the process of creating. Be it in writing or drawing or baking and decorating or following steps- I enjoy having a vision and creating it

10.) Where were you born?

Usa

11.) What are your hobbies?

I read books and fanfiction, I write fanfiction, watch anime and shows, cook, bake, play genshin impact. I've been playing wordle every day for almost a year now. I like tactical stuff with instructions- like legos or putting together furniture- I got this DIY book nook last week and spent like 8 hours putting it together. In school as part of the STEM program we learned how to draft both by hand and on the computer through CAD and Solidworks- those were fun. I miss that. Again it uses that same part of the brain as legos. I also like playing with cards. I have solitaire and pinocle on my phone. I was also learning how to play chess (like the strategy part)

12.) Do you have any pets?

My family home has the cat I got my 8th birthday (barn cat, brown tabby with four white socks on his paws). In the apartment though there is my roommate's black lab, half ragdoll half Siamese cat, and who knows how many fish that keep having babies

13.) How tall are you?

5'10'' (on a good day sshhh)

14.) Favourite subject in school?

MATH HELLO! (......... but also the drafting classes damn i miss those)

15.) Dream job?

Can there be such a thing as having extreme trivia knowledge on my fandoms? I'd like that alot but otherwise.... I'd like to work at one of those cat [Blank] things. Be it a café or a bar or a bookstore (that'd be awesome!!) I think that would be fun

Tagging @alienjack @szivtalan @glitt-erm @amnestyaubrey @farklelucas @brazilian-whalien52 @bloodyspade0000 @traditionalartist @illbebuyingallofthoseflowers and anyone else who sees this and wants to hop in ☺️

[aria0fgold]

I'm fired up now. No more struggling, I'm going to finish this drawing before June 30th and I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN!

[andr0nap-02]

Say, friend, its never too late to start writing...Should you need some help, my Dms are open and ready to assist! Im an amateur fic writer myself who has received some feedback in past, so i can help you get at least a small head start.

But you gotta promise us that 50k Alloid fic, got it?

ive dabbled in a bit of writing... but i always get burnt out around 2k and never touch the doc again 😔✌️

i appreciate the encouragement tho!!!