#i talk too much and ppl are like we're friends
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just getting into the habit of asking people who randomly reach out to me on social media to re-hash how we know each other again.
#i talk too much and ppl are like we're friends#but i'm like naw i just fish with a really big loud net#clever net also#wink face#or not clever#lol i have hits and misses#a lot of misses#entp#mbti#meyers briggs#personality#personality type#no shade#i just can't remember
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i finished thesis, won an award, and have graduated.. hello 👋🥸
#i'm not coming back but :') hello#i forgot i even had tumblr still on my phone djdkdkdkdk#i just opened it for the first time in ??? 5 months or smth i think idk for sure#life is weird :')#remember when i said i wanna drop out every day of my life :') bc i suck at design#welp i won an award for my design thesis :')#jsjdjdkdkdkdj#turns out having friends kinda changes your life 🫂#having friends at school has actually :') made me a happier more normal person lol#i haven't been miserable?? i haven't wanted to kms ... i have been so happy and yes school was shitty but i wanted to go and try hard bc#my friends motivated me to stay and try and that's crazy :') idk#felt really loved and like i belonged somewhere for the first time in my life 🫨 like woah ppl like me and wanna be my friend? me??#:') i'm really happy... isn't that weird#i used to want to kms every other day hsjdndkdkdks lol 😭#now i'm like 😭 every day i look forward to waking up bc i'm happy and i have ppl who love me and i wanna see them again and i wanna spend#time with them again and play games with them again :')#literally stayed up till ??? 4 am yesterday talking to one of them like#😭#god jm djjdkdkdkd idk :')#my life is good...#???? IM NOT MISERABLE IDK GUYS#wild af#even winning the award was such a shock like 🥲 damn . who ? me?#ppl from like :') this big design thing in toronto we're praising it too like djdjdodjdkdj#:') it's kinda crazy.. i was super !#man.. i cant believe how 5 months ago i was gonna kms 🥸👆 and now i'm like erm actually maybe we do need to live#:') anyway#i hope ppl on here are doing good 🫨🔨#it is sad to not be here as much but also 👋😌 i'm happy to be free at the same time so ✨
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sitting on a text like. oof. i care. sorry.
#logbook#like fr when i make a new friend irl and we exchange numbers im always going. ..is this too much? too soon?#idk how much ppl offer to listen to or share or. or anything. im just like. kind of private but im open to being open too.#he admitted hes tired and has a lot going on rn cause i said he looked drained and im like. do i say it.#do i go hey man you can always hmu if you need to talk or whatever. is that weird. sighs.#hes cool ive enjoyed getting to know him. we're supposed to hang out sunday too. . .mm idk.
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i just came out to a real life person and i think im having a heart attack
#IT WAS SO UNPLANNED I HADN'T THOUGHT ABOUT IT AT ALL I DIDN'T EVWN THINK WE WERW FRIENDS??#she lives in the building next to mine and we go to tui together to divide the auto fare and we've been walking home 2-3 dino se#and she likes kpop and kdramas#but like there isn't that Spark yk like oh ny god i love u best friends forever its a little awkward and formal still#but we were talking about something and oh my god#when we reached home we were standing uski building ke neeche and she was like i want to introduce you to my childhood bestie i think you#two will like each other#and i was like kinda weirded out like um are we that close yet i thought we were just classmates 😭😭#so i asked ki oh why all of a sudden#and she's like 'i like you' and i look at her and laugh and she said STOP LAUGHING i don't meant it like that im straight ok#and idk something in me snapped i was like oh are u homophobic too?#but pls she didn't know what it meant 😭 so i explained ki do u hate gay people then#she said no no ofc not SO I JUST BLURTED OUT KI good cause im bisexual#THE SHOCK ON HER FACE OMG im saying this now in freaking out now but at that time i said it really coolly and proudly without fumbling#my voice didn't drop down to a low volume or waver or anything (which im so proud bc she's like the first irl person ive come out to face#to face??????? i mean obv childhood friends don't count they're all gay#but anyway she was like OH and then SHE FUMBLED she was like oh nice i respect u very much and it was so awkward i was like haan haan shut#up just don't tell anyone very few ppl know 😭and she wasn't done she was like so as i was saying#we're growing old and real good friendships are getting harder to find and i like you (stop laughing!!) and i hope we don't jinx it#and she literally touched a wooden table lying there and said touchwood???? 😭😭😭😭😭#now i am thinking why did i tell her she's so extroverted she talks to everyone we go to the same tui this town is tiny#she could tell everyone my parents could find out#but also a part of me is relieved cause im so sick of hiding something that is such a small yet imp part of me#and if she tells everyone then cool maybe there'll be more queer people i can't ve the only queer person in this town and we could be#friends and my parents eh they'd never believe something like that they'll ask me if it's true and ill say nah just rumors dumb kids#and they'll believe me because they'll want to believe me so bad#so no harm#i still don't feel very bestfriendy with her but maybe my standards are too high 😭 idk ig i can't see myself being friends with her#for a long time if we weren't forced by circumstances and i don't like her that much but im happy i got to say it#literally said it omg 'kyunki main hu. bisexual' FUCK THAT FELT GOOD
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#personal#i think that like... the dam's broken. for lack of a better term#or i guess the ice ???? idk man#either way. been messaging back n forth with him like crazy for the past few days#i just decided that like.... whatever. if i feel like saying something i should just say it to him !!!#and i think me being open has led to him being open....#god its so hard when both ppl only really talk when they have something to say JFJDJDJDJDJDJDJDJJD#like... i cant even make up a reason to talk to him. i cant pretend to be dumb n not understand anything. he'll know its bullshit NDJDJDJDN#n e way...... defs met my match here lmao. but really its been so nice just being able to talk to him when i want. bc waiting until being i#person was getting so !!@@@ long !!! like god. i didnt know i could miss someone so bad...... its so !!@@@@@@#gah !!!!!!!!!!!!#n e way. things are goin in the right direction#and hahaha !!!!!!@ i have a game plan to make sure we stay in touch too !!!!! me n one of my other friends promised to keep in touch with#each other and i was like oh should we invite everyone else. and she was like oh !! maybe ____ so i was like !!!!!!!!#so true !!!!!!!!!!@#gosh im so excited i really like them both so much we're all similar temperaments so ya..... ive wanted to make sure i keep them JFJFJFJD#n e way. we still havent asked him but hopefully he says yes !!!! bc he always sits behind us n im just like !!!! ik you wanna sit with us#so just sit beside us istg !!!! but ah ... i think hes shy#god hes so cute#and shes like not competition btw. like..... she has a bf. she knows i like this guy now (i spilled. i couldnt hold it in 💀💀💀). and ya !!#hopefully exciting things coming!!!
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i swear to g-d im& not even the jealous type but jfc i HAAAAAAATE this feeling when im& just lowkey like. who's :)))))) this :))))) bitch 👀👀👀👀🔪🔪🔪🔪 :))))))
#arcana.vents#& its like. kinda irrational bc we're just friends & just vibing & we're not even together but like. i cant help it so fuck me ig lmao#like obvi he can have friends & shit & w/e so im not gonna like. tell him anything bc i dont wanna like push him away or push anything yk??#& he said he missed me & everything but like. damn. why arent you talking to me like that. i wish you would talk to me like that.#i miss you too & i wish you would tell me you loved me more :<#im just like bitch chill he aint even your man. but he's sweet & good to me & he's deadass one of the funniest ppl ever.#& we have literally so much in common & he said i was a miracle & resilient since birth & that sb should make a documentary about me ehehe.#& we're both autistic poc4poc & have a lotta solidarity between our communities & he makes me blush & giggle & i love his curls & his smile#& the color of his skin's so pretty & he said that it'd be neat if we just. played videogames in a pillowfort#& he makes spongebob refs & he likes anime & horror & buffy & ethel cain nicole dollanganger & lana del rey & he got a nasty ass vocabulary#& he said it'd be cool if we explored abandoned places together & go to concerts together & he has the cutest name ive deadass ever heard#when nicole said ''when i see you i cant find the words to speak my cheeks go as red as two big cherries'' & ''you're so cool''... YEAH.#im gonna start fuckin chewing on the fuckin walls dude. im GNAWING at the bars of my cage. i need him to firmly grasp it.#i wanna feed him the world's sweetest strawberry!!!!#we have lost the entire fucking plot besties lmfaoooo#& i rarely if ever feel like this for cis dudes & my mind is blaring sirens like he gonna leave me im just. getting war flashbacks to. yeah#the red sirens be blaring like HE'S GONNA ABANDON ME!!!!! its so irritating#ill be goddamned if i EVER feel replaced to that degree ever again. id actually rather get hit by a car & throw myself into the sea lmao#UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH BPD SPLITTING I HATE YOU#this was from a few hours ago but i forgot to post it so lmao
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everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏
#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too#things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄#jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that#having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically#and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me#despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence#and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik-#she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh#and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space#and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she-#likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man#i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them#theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road#theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill-#finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me#old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc#anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included-#bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately#also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that#im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it..#ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too#its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes#regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a#fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling#and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........#sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!!#.diaries
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horrifying self recognition through the other aside this has been an actually not terrible start to The Family Gathering tbh
#my cousin who i havent really seen in a while came up to me and asked abt my pronouns because i came out to the fam a while ago#and he didnt really remember what id said (which. fair. its a big family w lots of things to remember)#and so he asked what my pronouns were and i told him and he promised that if he ever messed up i needed to make him#do like 5 or 10 pushups lmao#and ngl. its the sweetest thing anyone in this family has ever said to me abt that#everyone else has kinda just. moved on. and either forgotten that im not a girl or purposefully ignoring it.#and idk maybe i should stand up for myself a little more but ive been practically a doormat all my life#and idk. its hard using my voice and establishing boundaries when ive let ppl bulldoze over me for almost 20 years.#sigh. anyway.#im gonna be thinking about that all day tbh it was genuinely so sweet#and i am also being consumed by The Loneliness again <3#just. i want someone to just talk to about all this??? someone who isnt in my family because they all have stakes in it too?????#we're all grieving. i aint special.#i just want to talk to someone about it in person so they can hold my hand while i cry myself to sleep because ngl#thats what it looks like we're doing tonight#im just. tired of feeling alone in this enormous family where it seems like im the only odd man out#and also ykw the Not Having Any Irl Friends loneliness too. thats also pretty significant.#not saying my internet friends arent great i love yall so so so much but it has just been .#a really really long time since ive had a good cry n hug session w someone.#sigh. im tired i need to go to bed#winter speaks#personal
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Sorry for another vent post but here goes
#like i'm not looking for a relationship ok ? but i met this guy and we've been hooking yp#but like he is being all sweet and caring and he is great don't get me wrong#he's like eddie munson i'm not gonna lie#but at the same time he doesn't get my jokes and when i make a sarcastic comment or something funny he always thinks i'm being honest#and then he's too sweet if it makes sense in normal convos? BUT if i am ganuinely distressed (which i am a lot you guys know)#he is just not very emotionally intelligent 😬 and like it's all fun and wtv but i feel like he might like me more than i like him#and i called him babe once bc i had this girl friend who calls everyone babe and i spent like 3 days with her so i called him that#and now he always calls me babe and i'm like 😐 pls stop but i can't tell him to stop bc it will seem rude#and yeah my friends that know him are like he's such a cool guy and so sweet and everything and it looks like we're dating#but like we're not man we're not i met him a few weeks ago#anyway i think in reality i'm trying to find bad things about him just so i can justify not liking him and sabotage the whole thing bc +#+ i'm too afraid lmao#i think i'm emotionally unavailable and don't want a relationship or feel ready for it at all#i feel like i'm starting that age most ppl have at 18/19 of exploring and just vibing except i should have gone through that then#but i never got the change bc of abusive relationships and being at home and not having freedom to just exist#and now i do and i feel like if i start dating someone i'll lose my freedom again#which should not even happen in a healthy relationship but that's how i feel#maybe will talk about this to my therapist see what he says#i think i know what he will say like 'you're just afraid don't think about it too much tell him how you feel'#and i HAVE told him generally how i feel and that i don't want to move mad about it and he was like 'no were just getting to know eachother
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i feel like my friends are ghosting me..
#my partner and i stopped dating so theyre my ex now#but it was mutual and we talked and we're still good friends#it was literally so logical too like im asexual theyre very much not#im very romantic they think theyre aro or at least demiro#we we're on opposite sides of the spectrum#and they just couldn't develop long lasting romantic feelings for me and i was okay that#still am#just bc you dont love romantically doesnt mean you cant love#but they just liked me as a friend and i respect that#plus i myself was debating the continuation of the relationship due to this a month before they brought it up#im an overthinker thats the only reason it took so long#main point: they were kimda my link to this certain group#of really great ppl! i love them a lot#and they talk to me and think of me#but i never get invited to hang outs#i see texts in the group chat that say “cant make it have fun tonight”#and i have no idea what theyre talking abt#i feel ghosted#and i really hope its not bc me and this person stopped dating#bc ive made sure they all know it was mutual and we are still friends#its literally just the same but no kissing or holding hands anymore#like nothing really changed yk?#i get theyre closer that's not an issue#but im friends with them too#a larger friend group hangout and i dont even hear of it#im not trying to say i should be privy to all plans no#im just saying as a friend i feel left out#longevity of friendships shouldn't matter in that kind of situation#right?#am i just being a pissy boy?
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one day it'll be crazy if i meet someone irl who actually likes and plays ffxiv before meeting me
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#and not in an event or whatnot that is related to ffxiv too. ragh. AND NOT SOMEONE RANDOM you just meet at a mall... someone#who could become a friend i mean. argh. that is the dream indeed.#idk my two closest friends in relation to ffxiv are 1. one of my best friends who i met thru twt and ARGHHH I LOVEU SM /P#and 2. really cool guy friend who meets a lot to me and is just slightly older but i met this guy in my 1st xiv server and we're still#buddies :(( rlly thx bro. to both of these ppl. and gods the rest i've met in my fcs and statics and whatnot i love everyone so much#even if i barely talk to any of them anymore LMFAO but okay one day i will need to and want to meet someone into ffxiv and. irl.#maybe college! i doubt anytime highschool that will happen. fr.#even college seems unlikely tbh ..... ig it just really depends. i'm way too used to gamers i meet playing the same exact games all the tim#and claiming they play so many games and like gods i love all games sure go ahead but. be fr. i'm just lonely and a tad bit bitter ig lmfao#anyway rambles OVER !!! will do school stuff and random stuff and gods i'm so tired i just want to rest. and not worry abt tmrw.
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yo............... weirdo behavior. get well soon and by get well soon i do mean eat glass
#i was talking to my therapist abt the ways antisemetism functions#and one of them is the way we're always being graded on our jewish-ness#its very telling that ive got friends that were raised in the tradition that dont think they're Jewish Enough#ive got friends that don't think they're Enough because they were adopted and don't have the lineage#and ppl like me whose family made the choice not to practice but you can't opt out of the generational trauama#whether we talk about it too much or not enough it's very weird that we're always graded on a curve#and then told antisemetism isn't real by people that wanna play the antisemetism magic simulator#like i cant tell u the number of times i've been in rooms with people i THOUGHT i could be comfortable with--#only to have them say the most vile shit you've heard because they didn't know there was a jew present#/b#& no it doesn't affect me as directly because i don't practice but don't ask me to sit here and pretend it doesn't#like when you're cultivating a space that is hostile towards jews maybe it's not any wonder they aren't more vocal
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🥺🫶🏼 can i just say i really love my friends sm
#🌙.rambles#not even just my friends just rlly a lot of ppl in my life#do you ever just think about how life was before you meet certain ppl#n how since then maybe you've. had so many special memories n experienced feelings you've never really thought of before#NOT NECESSARILY IN A HFKADSJLF /r way though it's mostly /p okay 😭😭#like say 3 ppl esp this year that i think very well changed my life#this'll be incredibly obvious who i'm talking about but oh well#met one 3rd month of the year n another the 6th month n the other the 3rd to the last month (10th month)#i'm not sure if they know well enough how much they mean to me 🥹 quite possibly wiling to bet that#i love them more than they'll ever know. maybe even in a. wait no i'm not gna continue that last bit but yeah <3#IM SORRY IM LIKE SENTIMENTAL RN BCS#HLDJFAKDSJF UHH#i usually am the one that likes to give so receiving stuff like gifts n then yk the thought n sentiment behind it all just#IDK it warms my heart so much it really does. so much other stuff too but my mind is so dead rn#^^ ykyk who you are btw w. the gifts hfdalsjfkld I RLLY DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY#everything about it just makes me happy n arghh there's so much to say but my ability to word is dying rn it sucks !!!! but. 🥹🫶🏼#n then w another online friend there's like. esp ffxiv rn w her hehe WE'RE GNA MAKE THE FC IN A BIT N IT'S HDFLKSDJ#n then w my irls i have sm to say to them But im too shy.. maybe i cld write them in a letter#BUT HERES THE THING IM NATURALLY AFFECTIONATE I DONT WNA WEIRD MY FRIENDS OUT WHO MAY BE#SHY W IT OR SMTH?? 🥹 dilemmas.. i'm rlly just romantic w gifts oh well FUCK IT#hdfkjaldfd my mind is a mess rn wait!!
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Just saved my mother from getting scammed out of 600€ how tf does this keep happening!!!!
#she fell for mlm marketing AGAIN#luckily she doesn't know how to pay for things online so she told me about it#like she literally walked into my room like 'I want to try these products recommended by a friend of a friend :)'#me '..have u checked any reviews? what about the brand? is it well known? what are the nutritional values like?'#her 'well no but she said she also uses them n they work great! n they give her extra energy + lowered her blood sugar n cholesterol [etc]'#me '......how much it it?' her '150€ but she said it's a sale package so I'm actually saving money!'#me 'LMAO no. we're gonna background check the brand and products first. I want to see the ingredients list n nutritional values + reviews.'#anyway most reviewers said they were tricked into paying 120€ monthly n they got horribly sick after using said products#also the brand was fined 1 million euros for false advertisement via mlm scheme bs#the reviews were either 1* and furious or 5* and obvious ads (like I ended up reading them aloud like a tv ad instinctively)#also the 150€ order my mother was setting up? at the bottom of the page in fine print it said it was 4×150€...#like spending 150€ for random supplements is INSANE. but 600€???????#oh n guess what? when I looked up the ingredients it turned out that they can interfere w all of my mother's meds#after all that my mother rushed to tell the scammer that she spoke too soon n that given her many health issues–#–she's got to think about it some more before buying anything#I've been protecting her from scams since I was 11 when she almost got scammed by my dad (again)#when will she start getting sus vibes from ppl using the same exact tactics over n over again...#not victim blaming her#I just don't understand..#dy talks
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#LOL why do i even worry#heard from my friend n we're meeting in 2 weeks. also invited my crushy wushy LMAO. god.......#this is so JDJJDJDJDMDMDMMDMZ#like i had a Feeling id be hearing from her but then i was like ah whatever.... i'll message her tomorrow no matter what JDJJDJXJXJXJ#and lookie lookie she messaged me hehehehhe#ive missed her so much JDJJDJDNDN#i was watching seulgi's channel n i was like omg.... shes just like my friend I MISS HER XJKFKKFKRMDX#and i get to see .... too so JDJDJJDDJDKDMD WOOOOO#the way he responded was so like nonchalent like lmao ok. like overly casual. like oh ya i should be around that day JDJJDJDJDJDMD#IDK WHY BUT THATS SO FUNNY LIKE LMAO. hes a specific funny made just for me like idk how to explain. i read his messages in his voice#n i just JDDJDJDD GOD HE IS DJTK4KD#so consistent. like i scream. he messages just like he talks. i cant handle it. like im the same way ive been told.#and maybe its the usual case with ppl but JDJDJDJDK IDK#the way he talks/texts is so specific.#god im obsessed with him like hes a kpop boy or somethin. god help me#to think last night in my past 3am thoughts thinking i was over him LMAO SO FUNNY SOOOO FUNNY GIRL#personal
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We saw you join the falloutwiki server after we invited you, but you left? We can't find you there anymore!
Im an incredibly skilled join-immediatly-leave-er in pretty much every server there is in the fallout fandom. Also we talked in person I know who you are whyd you send me an anon
I went on a slightly unrelated rant in the tags LMAO I already wrote it there's no going back
#sorry i saw the list and would rather not#have some affiliations that make me uncomfortable#sorry :/#sunflower asks#plus servers i usually stay in are either ones i joined when i was like 18-19 and then. uh actually that's it#besides a few mod servers now since im learning. but strictly adult ones#kinda makes me sad now that i think about it. cause i joined all those when i was 18-19 and mad and easily influenced#so i made a lot of decisions i regret. and was very easily influenced by a couple ppl#and i feel very stupid about it. i was younger and eager to make friends! those friends were not good choices#and i ended up being pretty awful to some very nice people bcs i wanted to stay close friends with the other ppl#not going to name names obviously.#those ppl were awesome and made me feel very welcome and are some of the only ppl who are actually into the same things i am#but i was really awful to them bcs there was someone i liked on what ill call the 'opposite' side of what we were into#and i wanted that person to keep liking me. but they were very very vocal abt being grossed out w this and that.. stuff the rest of us were#actually into and happy abt. stuff im STILL into now and was into in the past. but pretended i wasnt so that person would still like me#and it got me really fucked up. and that person we're still friends but rarely talk anymore#and it didnt go anywhere however that was my choice as i realized id made a really really big mistake#mind you. person reading my way too long and oversharing tags. this was like.. 2 or 3 years ago now?#and i STILL feel bad about it. I literally think about it 5-6 times a week. and not like in passing like genuinely often genuinely bad#im actually an adult now and actually got my stuff together by pretty much cutting every single person i knew off entirely#and spent 2 years just suffering doing nothing completely alone. and now it's impossible to make friends#and i feel really really bad about it. i shouldve been and behaved better. but i didnt and really paid the price for it#and i feel very isolated and alone pretty much constantly. i dont think i will ever find a group of people who were so accepting and kind#and actually into what i was into with zero judgment again. cause we're not a big fandom. and those were pretty much the only ones#ive wanted to reach out to apologize on multiple occasions but figured it wouldnt matter#then i remembered 2 of those ppl owe me art i paid for and never got..... so i think about that often too.....#ah the irony there. it is not lost on me#but yeah thanks for reading this fucking ESSAY in the tags
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