#i think i was in general surprised by how much hawk was the main main character

[cakebatteronabrickwall]

I finally sat down and watched Fellow Travelers and, while many things can be said about it, here is what stood out to me: It is a love story. Yes. But it is also a story about time. More importantly, a story which over and over battles with the concept of "too late". For example, Jackson is dead by episode 7, but the scene of Tim going to see him after the birth succeeds it in the chronology of the story. Or, we know Tim and Hawk have been seperated for quite a bit in the most current timeline, but their lives intersect on every other level that comes before it. The storytelling (aided by the editing) makes all these moments exist side by side; the love, the tragedy, the everything else, by playing around with these 30 years. You can't be too late when time doesn't seem to exist in a linear way. And then there is the final scene, which may as well have been the first. This scene illustrates that it also is never too late for change or for the truth, because here is Hawk, after everything, finally able tell his daughter about the man he loved. Freely. Without fear of judgement. Without fear of his own truth.

Love is beyond measure. So is time. So is truth.

[ohnoitstbskyen]

Oh no. Sir I believe I'm going to need you to explain that Dragon Age 2 opinion, that is a BLAZING hot take

I really don't think it is. Although of course all of this is personal opinion, not some sort of divine proclamation on high about which video games people are allowed to prefer, so take please it in the spirit it is offered.

Origins is a worldbuilding walking tour as much about explaining its own in-universe lore and fantasy history as it is about either its characters or the actual story that is happening in the game. It's a cool world! With some great lore! But also it is built entirely around Generic Fantasy Plot Structure #1 and never particularly seems interested in innovating, or surprising the player. On top of which, a lot of its setting and lore is pretty weakly sketched and doesn't really get developed into something either visually or narratively compelling until it gets built out in later games.

And while Inquisition has some genuinely fantastic characters, everything else about the game suffers very badly from the plague of BioWare Magic™, i.e. the production was an absolute mess up until the last minute when five hundred extremely overworked and underpaid creative geniuses somehow managed to wring a functional experience out of the trainwreck. It was made with fucking Frostbite of all things, jesus christ, it's holding together with spit and duct tape.

Now, Dragon Age 2 shares a bunch of the problems of Origins and Inquisition. It too bears the hallmarks of "our executives couldn't plan a healthy game production cycle if their lives depended on it" with a lot of unfinished content, half-assed sidequests and a truly frustrating over-reliance on a combat system that isn't half as engaging to use as it needed to be.

But Dragon Age 2 also has something neither of its siblings could ever even hope to match: an actual compelling protagonist.

Like, listen, I know people adore their headcanons about their Wardens and Inquisitors, and it has made for some truly amazing fanworks, but Hawke is literally the only actual character out of all of them. Hawke has conflicts, problems, needs and drives that actually inform and push the story forward, they have a family and a history and a reason to give a sh** about the central conflict of the narrative.

In Origins and Inquisition both, your character becomes the main character of the story entirely because of fate and random chance. You are the Chosen One and you are the only one who can Save The World because you're the last of the super special elite fantasy Hero Squad, or because you got some green magic stuck in your hand by being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Because the character is a complete blank slate onto which the player is expected to project themselves, random chance and circumstance are the only tools the plot can use to position them as main characters. There is no character to drive them to it.

In Dragon Age 2, Hawke becomes the champion because they're trying to build a new life for their family in Kirkwall, and end up embroiled in the chaos and politics that befall the city as a natural consequence of living in it and dealing with the conditions of it. Hawke and their family's needs and wants drive their actions, and push them to engage in endeavors that influence the course of history. They have agency (in the conceit of the narrative, at least) over how their life turns out, they make choices that have consequences, rather than being dictated into the position of Main Character by a literal looming apocalypse that permits no other course of action.

And I'm not about to sit here and claim that Dragon Age 2's story is perfect or that every character is a masterpiece or that every plotline is amazing. No, there's plenty of scuff and jank and things that have aged poorly and unresolved plot threads and all the rest of it.

And I am definitely not forgetting the godsdamned DLC where BioWare threw it all overboard by inventing a Special Bloodline Plot where oops it turns out Hawke actually IS a special chosen one specially chosen by a special fate to have a special role in Saving The World because they're special because of fate and destiny and blah blah, I still think that was phenomenally stupid (especially when Corypheus wasn't even Hawke's goddamn main villain to deal with what was any of this supposed to add to their character ffs BioWare)

But even with all its problems, the simple fact that Hawke is a character you can give a shit about independent of your own projection as a player - the fact that Hawke isn't just an empty bland blank slate with no personality, no traits, no wants or needs or drives - that has made Dragon Age 2 infinitely more memorable to me than either Origins and Inquisition. I think about it to this day. I think about Hawke to this day. I care about what happens to the character in a way that I just simply could never bring myself to do with either my Wardens or my Inquisitors.

[marley-manson]

Watched The Billfold Syndrome. Generally a good episode but not much to say about it. Hawk and BJ are evil to Charles in this one lol and it's a pretty funny subplot in which Charles deserves his revenge. The main story is touching but the actual hypnosis scene is too silly for me to take seriously unfortunately. Love how empathetic Hawkeye is there though, and the way he reaches over to place a hand on dude's back while Sidney is hugging him, like he can't help himself but try to comfort him too <3

A few little details:

-- Love the lack of gendering in the Thompson twins joke lol, though this didn't feel quite as conspicuous as the similar RJ Hardlidge joke. Still, you got Hawkeye canonically eager to see a nude guy, with the open possibility that he thought they were both men. (Also idk if the Thompson twins are real people or an invented name for the show but ngl I'm kind of curious if anyone does know.)

-- Hawkeye's little "I played Hamlet" is one of his typical jokes that follows a 'surprising (false) statement -> punchline' pattern and not a random lie or a truth he wants to downplay afterwards, because he follows it with the punchline, "I was the only one with access to a skull." His "I didn't really play Hamlet" is a jokey way of saying he regrets volunteering lol, because Sidney already knows he didn't play Hamlet, because of the aforementioned punchline.

-- Hawk says "or Rita Hayworth with a moustache," with a backwards glance at BJ so therefore I'm saying it's canon that Hawkeye thinks BJ is hot aside from the moustache but the moustache isn't a deal breaker.

-- There's a background moment in the O-Club scene where Klinger is eavesdropping on Hawk and BJ's conversation with Charles, and he realizes they wrote the telegram and are about to admit it, and runs lmao.

[greypetrel]

thank you for answering, here is my reaction request, feel free to deny it if it's something you don't feel like doing:

Dragon Age 2, between Acts 1 and 2. Mage!Hawke, Fenris, Varric, Aveline + whoever else you would like to include. FenHawke being the main focus:

Hawke faints while walking around Kirkwall, surprising everyone, eventually they find out Hawke has been starving themselves to make sure their family has enough to eat… I headcannon that magic and spellcasting consume a lot of the bodies natural resources, so mages need to consume more calories, hence why they like bread and cheese so much

Hello!

Sorry if I’m late, it took me a little thinking and I am generally a little intimidated from writing Fenhawke, as much as I love to read it. It feels like so much has been told already, but I eventually took the courage. Thank you for pushing me towards something I wouldn’t have done on my own, I hope you’ll like it!

I interpreted it as “how each would react seeing Hawke faint” and went with it. For Fenris, it’s a little ficlet. I had my fenrismancer Hawke in mind, but I tried not to make it too specifical for him. I only allowed myself one little concession, which is some terrible humour (and a reference to pop culture, let’s pretend in Kirkwall they know Backstreet Boys as a travelling band of dancing minstrels). Adding Sebastian too even if he's not recruited yet. It felt bad to leave only him out, and I think it'll be sweet to have him around. everything under the cut, because with no one's surprise, IT LONG.

Varric: “Hawke? Shit, Hawke! Don’t do this to me, you’re too heavy for me to bring you back.”

He will bring you back on his own if he has to. You’ll wake up in a room at the Hanged Man, with Varric and Anders in the room. Anders will sigh and bid you good morning, and comment that you have been lucky in not bumping your head against something. You just need to eat, and plenty. Before going, he will tease Varric about acting like a mother cat defending her kitten. Once alone, Varric will sigh and tiredly scold you: You only should have told him that you had trouble with food. Didn’t you trust him for help, already? After Bartrand, you’re a little like family, and he’ll love to help at least you. No, he’s not at all offering you a room and plenty of food because he may or may not have made you the main character of a thing he’s writing. Pointless slander.

Aveline: “Hawke? Hawke, wake up!”

She didn’t move you, in case you bumped your head too strong. She called a guard passing by to bring Anders here, you’re waiting for them to be back. She’ll ask you how you’re feeling, you fell down like a wet shirt and she got worried. You’re also looking pale, and she told you that you were overdoing it and she doesn’t want you to be sick and- Her rant gets interrupted by Anders. He heals you, checks that your skull isn’t in fact broken, does a check up. He frowns and tell you that you really need to eat. Aveline’s worry only grows: You’re not eating? Why? How? Why didn’t you ask for help? Of all the shenanigans and reckless things, she wasn’t expecting this. She grumbles, helping you stand and forcibly bringing you to the first inn in sight. On her: she never really thanked you for helping her out of Fereldan and into the city, this seems a good chance as any. And oh, the Guard Captain will know that people in Lowtown have no food. He’ll know it.

Anders: “What- Hawke!”

You’ll wake up with him glaring daggers at you, complaining that you’re an idiot, and you thought you could hide it with him? Oh no. He knows of being hungry, and you really only had to ask him. He’ll produce from his pocket a linen cloth with some homemade snack in it. It’s a bar made with cereals and honey and dried nuts: the wife of a patient gave some to him this morning, he’s happy he was late to meet you and he forgot the one he wanted to eat for breakfast in his pocket. He’s fine, he ate yesterday and you didn’t. He’ll urge you to eat: it’ll give you enough strength to make it home. He'll tell you that you can’t help anyone if you starve yourself: and that if you need help, you have friends to ask for. You can ask him, after all: you showed him your friendship more than once already, and he’d be glad to give something back.

Isabela: “Hey! It’s too soon for swooning!”

She managed to drag you into a shady corner, out of the way. She’s sitting beside you with a dagger out, to make sure no one gets any ideas. She’ll ask you if you made sweet dreams, and tease you that she’s beautiful, but you could at least contain yourself and avoid swooning. It was really embarrassing on your part and look, she was forced to show a conscience and that was very rude of you. She’ll tease you while fussing over you, and a joke after the other, it’ll turn out that you’re just hungry and not eat it. You can tell her, or your stomach will grumble. Her smile will turn sad, but she’ll cast everything off with a joke. That’s just it? You’re hungry? Why didn’t you say sooner! She knows just the place: the dirtiest hole in the Docks, it’s not the Hanged Man but it can hold its own. More interestingly, the innkeeper owes her a favour, and it’s surely lunchtime, somewhere. She could eat and she will: you can come with her if you’d like. She won’t make you feel bad one minute, and accepting her help will only seem like your own decision, not as pity.

Merrill: “Hawke? Hawke! Oh Mythal, no no no!”

You wake up with a balsamic smell in your nostrils: focusing, it’s Merrill’s hand, crushing some dried leaves with her fingers. Your feet are up on a wooden crate, and she rolled her scarf under your head as a makeshift pillow. She smiles when she sees you’re awake, and lowers her hand to start trafficking with her pouches. She tells you that she got worried, and didn’t know what to do. Thankfully you were close to the stalls she buys her fruit from, and she asked the kind lady that owns it for help to move you to the side. She also gave her the crate, you know that when you faint is very important to keep your feet up? So the blood can rush to your brain again, you need that more than your feet. Not to say that you won’t need your feet anymore! She fumbles with words, and soon enough you’re both laughing. She keeps smiling, and tells you that when people fainted, in the clan, the Keeper always said that some sugar was just what was needed. She picks some dried fruit from a pouch, and urges you to eat it: it’ll make you feel better right away, she’s sure. She dried the plums herself, and always carries them and some roasted nuts with her, as a snack. You can have it, come on. She gave you a full handful -your handful of it, but if you make her notice, not thanking her right away, she’ll casually shrug and say she can’t never tell with humans, you’re all so bigger than elves. Her pouch is already secured at her belt.

She’ll wait for you to eat and be ready to stand up again, chatting all the way about her clan, and what she did when someone was sick. She pushes on good food and plenty of rest, very casually. Once you’re ok, she’ll insist to stand by your side, and accompany you somewhere. She’ll suggest the Hanged Man -it’s close!- or Anders’ clinic, but will walk you home if you insist. Anywhere you go, you’ll be discreetely served food without an explanation. It’s not lunchtime, but people are eating with you. If you go home, the next morning there’ll be a basket full of groceries and food. No note, nothing at all: but a small pouch filled with more dried plums.

Sebastian: “Sweet Andraste, Hawke!”

You wake up in a shady corner, this time under the covering of a stall. He knew the stall-owner, they met in the Cathedral and prayed together. He sells cheese, here, you can have some, lad, it will make you feel better. Sebastian isn’t doting on you, properly, but he is helpful. He asks you if you’re feeling well, and if he can help. Please let him help, it’s the least he can do to repay you from your kindness. Pointing out to him that he doesn’t have to do it, you didn’t help him to have anything in return will make him sigh, heavily. It’s with the utmost seriousness and sincerity that he’ll answer, promising you that he’ll help you nonetheless. Not only because the Maker wants him to, but because your differences don’t matter much. He won’t leave any companion he spent time with in need. He may not be sure of what he wants to do in life, but he’s very sure that he wants to help you and show you some kindness. As you have shown him. Can he offer you something? Can he help? Your choice in accepting it or not: he won’t recognize what’s going on, but whether you want to be brought at home, to Anders or anywhere else, you have him by your side. He’ll stop by your house the next day to check you’re all right. The moment he’ll know you haven’t been eating? It’s not stealing from the Church if the food was meant to be shared with those in need.

Fixing a Hole (🎶)

[ FenHawke || No warning || 2389 words ]

And it really doesn't matter if I'm wrong, I'm right Where I belong, I'm right Where I belong See the people standing there who disagree and never win And wonder why they don't get in my door - Fixing a Hole, The Beatles

The world blurred first, and then it quickly became black.

“Hawke?”

It was the last thing Garrett heard, noticing with exhilaration what was happening. A last moment of clarity when he felt his limbs losing strengths and saw the world shifting. Fenris’ voice sounded alarmed, which only contributed to the excitement of the moment. Thankfully, everything went black and he lost conscience before he could blush.

He dreamt of the farm.

A sunset in early summer: the air was still warm from the long day, and the sun painted the wheat field in firey oranges and golds. Everything looked gold, and Garrett smiled at the sweet memory. He could smell the fields, the earth baked by the sun, and he knew that if he turned, he would have met with Bethany, leaning out of the windowsill and calling him for dinner. He longed to turn and see her, and at the same time knew he shouldn’t. It was still too painful, at least in his dreams, to see his little sister there, smiling. If only…

You can have it.

Someone whispered, voice brought by the wind. Garrett closed his eyes, away from the sunset, away from childhood and happiness. He had been happy, then: he didn’t fully realize until everything was lost. But it was not the first time he dreamt of home. A home where they thrived, a home where they had been happy, a home where he didn’t let Bethany die, and Carver hadn’t hopefully been killed by the Wardens he left him with. A home where he could look at his mother in the eyes without feeling blame and guilt creeping up his throat.

It wasn’t the first time and he knew what to do.

Take a deep breath, concentrate on how your chest rises and falls, on the sensation of air filling your lung. Stay in the moment, in the present, the past is gone and the future an illusion. The dirt under your feet, the smell of summer in the air, the warm caress of the last sunrays: they are gone, you can’t have it, they don’t exist anymore. They burnt and you couldn’t have done nothing to prevent it.

He concentrated on the good things he had: he was alive, his mother was alive, things were looking up and soon enough he would have sold everything and had the money to get a home for real. He had some friends, some real ones that knew he was a mage and he didn’t need to hide from. He loved them, and they loved him back. They wouldn’t want for him to stay there, lose himself in dreams. Kirkwall was nice, from the bazaar in Hightown the sunsets were pretty. Prettier, when he was there, leaning on the balcony and chatting with-

“You can have this. You can have me.”

He startled, his eyes opened as he felt a hand closing on his own. At his side, there was Fenris, looking at him with his usual serious expression. Something melted in his eyes, tho: something soft took place of the constant challenge he saw in them, the suspicion and mistrust. His heart did a double leap as he saw his lips curve up in a smile.

“You just need to say yes,love. And we can stay here. Forever. Far from Templars, far from Magisters. Far from guilt. It will be just as you want, and I will never leave your side.”

For the first time in years, Garrett felt tempted. He didn’t realize he had it so bad for the elf: he was good company, reliable in battle, and he liked him, sure. Physically, and his humour. He also knew it was impossible, between him being a mage and the other’s past. And now… He realized that yes. That was what he wanted. Something impossible in real life, and…

… Something was wrong.

The way Fenris turned, the way his lips opened in a wide smile, showing teeth, and he leaned so minutely towards him, still holding his hand.

“What about Danarius?” Garrett forced himself to ask.

“What about him? He doesn’t matter.”

“Don’t you want to get your freedom? End the chapter?”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. I have you, I’m happy like that.”

Garrett closed his eyes, the illusion clear as day in front of him. He held his hand, lingering on what never could have been for a moment still. It had been nice, until it lasted.

“He would never say that.” He opened his eyes and smiled at the demon. “And I would never say yes to him. Not in this way.”

He explained. Kindly, because it was just the way it was. Getting angry wouldn’t have brought him anyway.

The face of Fenris rippled and twisted in a snarl, the details got blurred.

I know your one desire.

“Oh well, as the wise man said.” He sighed, letting that hand go. It had started to grow talons and pinch uncomfortably against his own, anyway. “Ain’t nothing but a heartache.”

He quietly sang, stepping back and snapping his fingers.

Magic, at least, always came easier in dreams. He watched, as flames engulfed the demon, Fenris’ shape twisting and morphing, showing horns until he blinked, skin turning purple, teeth growing sharp. A piercing shriek filled the air, and soon enough everything was on fire. The wheat in the field, the old oak tree at the end of the courtyard, the chicken coop, the well and the farm, Bethany still on the window, frozen in place.

Would you set your own home on fire? The demon shrieked, in a last attempt at swaying him.

Garrett smiled, genuinely sorry for ruining the demon’s day like so. It was its nature, after all, and a part of him was grateful for the small glimpse of clarity it gifted him. It was easier to fight, if you knew your limits and what you wished.

“I already did.”

His eyes opened, and he looked blearily at… Wooden planks that looked old and like they were just about to crumble to dust.

Not the sky framed by Lowtown sandy buildings.

Weird.

“You’re awake.”

Garrett turned, blinking bleariness away. He didn’t recognize the place, but he recognized that voice.

Fenris was sitting on a stool, leaning his back against a wall whose paint was so scrapy and dirty that it could only mean that they were at the Hanged Man. For a moment, Garrett thought it was yet another dream. But the elf was typically grumpy, and frowned at him with an expression that was all too familiar.

“Am I?” He asked, still dubious.

“Hawke.” Fenris rolled his eyes, already exasperated.

It only made Hawke grin, calming down as he realized that it wasn’t, maybe, a dream. Only one way of knowing it. He just needed to wait for the right occasion for it.

“Where are we?” He asked instead.

“The Hanged Man. You fainted on the street, we were close.”

“You brought me all the way up here? I’m flattered.”

“So little you think of me, to believe I would have left you in the middle of a street?”

Hawke turned to his side, to face him better. His head still spinned something nasty, and he knew that standing up would not have done him any good. He saw one too many patients in Anders’ clinic to know that he would have had to be dragged up to bed again. It wasn’t a particularly appealing option. Or well, it was, but the context was wrong, and as many things he would have joked about, that wasn’t one. So, he just settled down better, and looked at Fenris in front of him, turning serious.

“I do not. But thank you anyway.”

“For what?”

“For staying.”

He saw the other scoffing, averting his eyes to the side and shrugging it off with a remark on how irresponsible it would have been, after a whole year of looking up for one another in battle. It brought a smile on Garrett’s face.

“How are you feeling?” Fenris asked, after a while.

“I’ll be good, I just need to lie down a bit.”

“Hawke.”

“I swear! I’ll take a nap and be as good as new. Nothing happened.”

“Hawke.”

“What’s the worse it can happen? Maybe I’ll die, so what. Everybody dies, sooner or later, is just another part of life. Never understood why people are so scared about it… I’ll be one Mage less, at least.”

“Hawke.”

There, the chance. He didn’t think about why that “Hawke” sounded different. It was all typical, but…

“Do me a favour.” He asked him, sighing as he rolled back heavily on his back. “When I die, cremate me.”

“Are you-”

“It’ll be my last chance to have a smokin’ hot body, after all.”

He arched his back, stretching just for show. The low, exasperated groan that followed was part a victory, part a relief. It wasn’t the Fade after all. In the Fade, all the demons laughed at his jokes, they were a great appreciative public.

“If you’re jesting, it means you’re feeling better.”

Hawke turned, grinning from one ear to the other as the elf, in a clear complaint, kicked back the stool and rose up. He saw the faintest trace of a smile on his face, and it was then impossible to pretend he was sorry.

“Leaving me so soon? All by myself? What if I die.”

“I’ll risk having you on my conscience.”

He reached the door and opened it, placing half a step on the threshold. He hesitated then, eyes lost fixating on something in front of him and brows furrowed in thoughts. Hawke stayed there, not that there was much choice but that.

“I am not so cruel as to leave you in such a state.” He said, finally, as if each word burned in his throat. He turned towards Hawke, still a crease between his brows that wasn’t totally obscured by a silver lock of hair. “I know we have… Our differences, but the next time, please tell me.”

Hawke frowned at that.

“Tell you what?”

He couldn’t know, could he? He would expect Anders to notice, or Merrill. People with experience in treating others. Surely not the broody warrior. As much as he tried to flirt with him, suddenly the idea of being so much in the open, so vulnerable and raw, scared him. He swallowed, not daring lowering his eyes first.

“Just tell me, Hawke.”

He didn’t say another word: just nodded to the side, casting him a look that was all too eloquent, and on another person, another less broody and aloof person could almost have been taken for worry, went out the room, without a word more or waiting for an answer.

Hawke turned on his back and groaned aloud, covering his face with both hands. Of all the people he could faint in front of, it just had to be Fenris. His typical luck. The one he shily wanted to impress, and the one that he didn’t really feel like he could complain about his situation without sounding whiny about it.

He wondered how he was gonna pay for the room.

He wondered, a little later, how was he gonna pay for the full meal that was brought inside the room. Steaming soup, a whole roast with vegetables, drowned in gravy on the small table before he could protest. Peas and potatoes with a thick slice of ham. Two pints of beer.

Hawke almost fell ashamed, but it was a fleeting moment. Fenris shrugged, as he took a big gulp from the tank and scrunched his nose in disgust, glaring at the offending beverage. It broke the tension, and soon enough they both were eating and drinking, friendly arguing about whether beer or wine was better. Hawke laughing and Fenris smiling.

“Fenris?” Hawke asked, in the end when conversation has naturally ended and he felt better, both physically than emotionally.

“Yes?”

“I do not think you’re cruel.” A pause. “I never did.”

An eyebrow rose in his direction, skeptical, as the only answer he got.

“You just have shitty opinions about us mages, but cruel? Nah.”

He huffed, shrugging it off, and rose again, changing the topic abruptly and informing him it was time for him to go. And that the room had been taken care of and not to worry about it. He could stay until the next morning. A pang of guilt and shame rose back in Hawke’s throat, but he nodded, without complaining.

“The next time you feel like I need to change my mind, please find better ways to prove it.” The elf told him, helping him out the bed when Hawke insisted to at least rise up to bid him goodbye. With his belly finally full after days, he felt strong enough for it.

“Were you worried?” Hawke meant it as a mock, but it slipped out of his lips without a bite. It sounded all too hopeful for his tastes and he would have bonked his head against the wall.

“Yes.” Fenris just replied, seriously enough.

“Ah.” He averted his eyes, embarrassed. “Well, I’m sorry and… Thank you, I mean, for helping me. You didn’t have to.”

There was silence, for a full minute, heavy and tense. Or maybe it was Hawke reading too much into it, as the topic fell dangerously close to feelings and crushes he knew were totally one-sided and would never have been reciprocated.

“I am of the understanding, that helping is one of the basic requirements of friends.” Fenris finally spoke. “It would be pointless to be so lucky as to have some, without accepting help in return.”

He patted, quickly, his shoulder, and nodded a goodbye, leaving him for the night. Hawke, smiling again, stepped out of the door, watching his back as he strode down the corridor.

“Fenris?”

“Yes?” He stopped and turned.

“Is the mysterious benefactor that paid for this Varric, or is it you?”

Fenris bent one corner of his mouth.

“I promised not to tell. But I’d order the lobster for breakfast.”

Garrett Hawke hated Kirkwall. He missed the countryside, the wheat fields and the pumpkin patch, fresh vegetables and a clean stream. Today, tho, he hated it a little less, and let hope bloom in his chest.

[hopelesshawks]

Safe Haven

Hawks x Reader

The coffee shop au that I thought would be quick and then got so out of hand so fast omg. But hopefully it's in a good way

While this fic is sfw, the blog posting it is 18+ only, minors dni

Content Warnings: hurt/comfort, egregious use of italics, unreliable narrator (almost entirely on Hawks' end), Keigo being touch starved and desperate for affection bc he deserves more of it

General Masterlist Kofi

You flip the sign at the front door of your shop from open to closed. It’s late and you’ve cut off the main lights to discourage anyone from trying to come in. The only thing lighting up the interior of the dining area is the neon sign of your logo and the spillover from the fluorescent light of the stock room in back. It’s a friday night which means it’s time to go back over your inventory in detail and make note of what needs to be restocked. Your apartment is right upstairs so you don’t mind staying even later. There’s something peaceful about the area when the moon is high in the sky and every other business has closed for the night. There’s not much foot traffic at 1am, understandably so, which makes you feel like your shop is its own little lofi haven. 

You’ve got a special playlist just for wrapping up for the night and it plays softly over the speakers as you wipe tables and counters and put away chairs. It’s easy to get lost in the familiar routine and the fall of rain outside only contributes to the easy atmosphere. As you finish up cleaning you know the stock room is waiting for you but you decide to take a second to just enjoy the moment. You lean against the front counter and let your eyes flutter shut, focusing instead on your other senses. 

The smell of roasted coffee lingers in the air, cut by the smell of the disinfectant you’ve just used to wipe everything down. Life Goes On by Agust D plays over the speakers and it pairs perfectly with the heavy patter of the rain on the windows as the storm grows a bit stronger. It hasn’t started thundering but you wonder if it isn’t far behind. If it continues into the morning the foot traffic on the road will be less which means a slower day for the shop. You can comfortably afford to have some slow days so you’re not too worried by that, if anything it may be nice to have a peaceful day considering the approaching summer will likely mean workers, students, and tourists alike flooding in to escape the heat with fresh pastries and iced drinks. 

You may have stayed wrapped up in your musings for a while yet if not for a sudden thud at the front door that interrupts your thoughts. You jump slightly as your eyes fly open. You’re not 100% sure what you expected to find. You don’t usually get entitled customers demanding entrance after closing considering you’re open until midnight and crime is rare in the area considering how frequently Hawks stops by. 

Speak of the devil…

Hawks’ silhouette is impossible to mistake. His prosthetic wings aren’t quite as grand as his original ones were but they are just as recognizable. Especially considering it’s his back that’s pressed against your door, his head thunking against it with a quieter thud than the initial one that had caught your attention. As you slowly approach the door you can already tell he must be exhausted. You can hardly believe he’s flown in this weather considering how much it’s coming down and on closer inspection he looks absolutely drenched. He’s a regular at your store, likely because it’s the only coffee shop that stays open late in the area, but that still doesn’t explain why he’s here now. Alarm bells are going off in your head that something may be wrong, which is perhaps why you find yourself unlocking the doors and pushing open the one he’s not leaning against. 

“Hawks?” you ask hesitantly as you lean out to look down on the weary pro hero. 

He blinks up at you, his eyes slightly widened in surprise. It’s clear he didn’t think anyone was still in, which only makes you all the more curious why he’d come in the first place. 

“You’re still here,” he notes and it’s not really a question but you find yourself nodding all the same. 

“Sorry didn’t mean to bother you,” he mumbles and he seems millions of miles away. It’s a bit off putting considering the version of him you’re used to seeing. Sure he’s been a bit more subdued ever since the great war against All For One and the League of Villains, but he’s still made most of his public appearances with a reassuring if not cocky grin and a quick witted tongue. None of that seems present in the man at your feet now. 

He stands again and it’s concerning how much effort it seems to take as he moves to leave so you’re quick to intercept him. You quickly surge forward to help support his weight, wrapping a hand around his arm as the other goes to his back to help support him. 

“Why don’t you come in?” you find yourself offering.

“But you’re closed,” he protests, eyebrows furrowing as he starts to shrug out of your grasp.

You tighten your grip to prevent him from going anywhere. He’s plenty strong enough that he could easily have still escaped if he wanted to but the movement still gives him pause as he brings his gaze to meet yours, confusion and something else that looks suspiciously like smothered hope marring his golden irises. 

“Doesn’t matter. You shouldn’t stay out in this weather anyway you’re soaked,” you insist. 

That seems to be enough to convince him to follow you as you bring him into the warm safety of the cafe, closing the door behind you both and locking it again. When you look back to Hawks he’s frowning down at his feet where a puddle is slowly forming as rainwater dips off every inch of him and onto the floor. 

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll clean it up in a moment,” you assure him as you pull him with you behind the counter.

The store room light reminds you of what you still need to get done but you ignore it for now. You’ll get Hawks set up and then come back for it. You’re not entirely sure what he needs but you have a guess of what could at least start to help him feel better, so you guide him deeper back into the store where no other customer has ventured before. He’s tracking water with each step but you don’t really care as you guide him up a tight stairwell and into your apartment. It’s small and cozy, the lighting soft to make the transition to bed easier after the brightness of the stock room lights. You pull him past all your various succulents, stuffed bookshelves, and worn leather couch, into your bedroom and then the en suite bathroom attached to it. 

“Get out of those wet clothes and take a warm shower. I’ll leave some clothes for you to change into on the bed and then you can come down and find me in the stock room if you’d like,” you explain gently.

You wait until he’s given you a nod of understanding, clearly still trying to process the generosity you’re showing him, and only then do you give him a soft smile and leave to give him privacy. You raid your drawers to find a hoodie and drawstring sweats that are oversized on you to leave for him. You leave them on the bed as promised and then head back downstairs. 

The first order of business is to clean the floor back up but it doesn’t take long. You can’t help but think of the look on Hawks’ face when he’d realized he was making a puddle. It was far from a catastrophic mess and it took you almost no time at all to clean, yet he’d looked as if he’d committed some criminal offense; as if his presence was nuisance enough and dripping water on the floor was only adding insult to injury. Part of you wonders what could possibly make such a beloved pro hero, someone who must be used to being met with praise and adoration wherever he goes, look like that. 

Then you remember the broadcast years prior that had revealed who his father is and you wince. With a father like that… Well it’s not your place to speculate, especially considering the basis for your speculation is information Hawks hadn’t willingly given. 

To distract you from wandering thoughts and the memory of weary golden eyes you begin taking inventory as you’d originally intended before Hawks showed up at your door. It’s an easy enough process, comforting in its monotony, and you almost forget entirely about Hawks’ sudden appearance at your doorstep until the man himself makes his reappearance. You’re about halfway done with inventory at this point but you pause to briefly appraise your guest. He looks more present than when you first found him outside and soft in the borrowed clothes. He’s left his prosthetics upstairs, probably to dry off with the rest of his things, so you can fully take in the much smaller remnants of his natural wings. You can tell he feels a little wrong footed so you decide to offer him a lifeline. 

“Want to help me with taking inventory?” you offer, figuring it will ease some of his discomfort if he feels like he’s helping instead of burdening you. Your instinct seems to be correct because he straightens a little at the offer and gives a somewhat eager nod. He doesn’t respond at all verbally, which throws you a little considering you’ve never seen him so quiet. Still you decide it’s best not to point this out, instead carefully explaining your process and handing him a notepad to take note of what you tell him to. 

The process moves a little faster with you able to just call out what you will need to Hawks instead of pausing to take notes yourself. Your music is still playing and it fills the silence between each note you tell him to write down. It should feel odd considering this has always been a solo process for you. You’ve got a few employees who help out but you always take the closing shift yourself since it’s never too packed for one person to handle and that way no one has to make their way home so late at night. It feels natural working with Hawks though and he seems to appreciate having a task to do. 

“That’s the last of it, how about you head up and put the kettle on while I finish closing stuff up down here?” you offer once you’ve finished. It’s ticking past 2am by now but you still can’t imagine sending Hawks home yet. Especially considering the rain is still coming down pretty hard. Again having a task to do seems to help him relax into the space and he gives you a short nod before disappearing back upstairs to do as told. You finally turn off your music and the neon sign in front, leaving the stock room light for last before going back into your apartment. 

You’re not sure how much losing so many of his feathers has dulled his heightened senses so you make sure to make a decent amount of noise as you enter your apartment, intentionally stepping on the creakier floorboards so he has plenty of warning that you’re coming. You notice that he cleaned up the puddles he made earlier and when you enter the kitchen he’s already gotten two mugs out and set them by the stove. Your gaze lingers on them as you realize he’s inadvertently grabbed down one of your favorites. He seems to misinterpret why you’re looking at them because he suddenly gets a bit sheepish. A slightly self-deprecating grin that looks closer to the Hawks you’ve seen on tv spreads across his face as he reaches one hand up to scratch at the base of his neck where he still wears his hair shorter than he once did. 

“Sorry, didn’t mean to rifle through your cabinets too much but I figured I should at least get mugs for us,” he offers with a chuckle that may have been convincing if you hadn’t seen the state he was in when he first arrived. You wave off his concern with a flippant gesture of your hand, moving to the drawer where you keep all of your tea. 

“No apology necessary, thanks for getting them for us,” you reassure as you select out a chamomile tea for yourself and an even more soothing blend of lavender and butterfly pea for Hawks. The latter is one you crafted yourself, still a bit of a prototype before you’ll roll it out into the shop. It’s worked for you on especially stressful days, so you hope it can similarly help him shake off whatever it is that sent him to your doorstep. 

When the kettle goes off you quickly move to fill both mugs, pressing your favorite into Hawks’ hands even if there’s no way for him to know the significance of the gesture. Tea now in hand, you guide him over to your couch, allowing you both to settle in comfortably with your hands wrapped around your mugs and your backs pressed against opposite arms of the couch. Your knees are pulled towards your chest, he’s got one knee bent and resting on the cushion so that foot hangs off the edge and the other foot is firmly planted on the floor. He looks torn between settling in more comfortably and bolting, but a deep inhale of the steam wafting off his cup seems to help ground him. 

For a moment silence dominates as you’re unsure whether to pry or not and Hawks seems to have no intentions on being the first to say anything. It’s not a particularly comfortable silence but it’s not quite awkward either, just laden with tension at all of the things being left unsaid. It’s not like the two of you have ever done this before, although the ease of the whole process to get to where you are now may suggest otherwise. This is uncharted territory and as curious as you are to explore it, you don’t want him to spook him either. 

Just as you’ve resigned yourself to the silence, Hawks finally clears his throat to catch your attention. His gaze doesn’t leave his tea and he still looks vaguely uncomfortable, but after another moment you watch a mask slip into place as he finally forces himself to address the elephant in the room and meet your eyes. 

“So I’m guessing you’re wondering why I just showed up like this,” he chuckles and it’s more convincing this time. 

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” you shrug and for a moment his mouth twitches into a more authentic smile before he carefully schools his expression once more. It’s almost a jarring contradiction to see such a curated look on his face while he’s wrapped up in your comfiest clothes. 

“I owe you an explanation,” he starts but you quickly correct him. 

“You don’t owe me anything.”

The words seem to catch him off guard in how absolute they are. From someone else it would probably sound like a platitude but you say it with such conviction that he can’t help but believe you. A part of him that sounds suspiciously like his HPSC handler warns him against opening up, but your insistence that he need not explain himself has ironically made him want to explain himself to you even more. Whatever pretty excuse had been on his tongue melts away and instead he finds himself formulating something more sincere. 

“Thank you for that. Thank you for all of the hospitality actually. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be here when I showed up,” he replies and the only word he can use to describe the way you tilt your head in apparent confusion is adorable. 

“But you came anyway?” you ask. 

“But I came anyway.”

“Do you mind if I ask why?”

He feels his smile go a bit sad. He doesn’t mind the question, actually he was sort of hoping you’d ask it. As deep down as he buries him, Keigo’s never quite managed to completely cut out that inner child that craves love and understanding while only getting contempt or indifference. 

“I was just… exhausted. This was on the way and I just needed a safe place to catch my breath. It’s–”

Keigo’s eyes shut as he leans more heavily into the arm of the couch and blows out a breath. 

“It’s been a long day. Too long. I needed to land and wait things out for a bit before I could make it the rest of the way home.” 

When he opens his eyes again he expects to find something akin to pity on your face but instead only finds understanding. It makes his stomach do an odd flip and he quickly takes a sip of his still too hot tea to hide any reaction that may have shown on his face. He burns his tongue in the process but at least it gives him a physical sensation to focus on and ground himself in before he does something stupid like pour his whole heart out to you. His heart’s beating just a little too fast for comfort and he needs to slow it down if he wants to avoid embarrassing himself.

“I’m really glad this is a safe space for you. If you ever need a place to crash land, I’ll always welcome you here,” you reply so innocently, so genuinely, and just like that his heart is racing all over again. Do you know what your words are doing to him? Do you realize how rare and precious a gift you’re offering up so casually?

“What if you’re not here or I show up even later next time?” he asks because part of him needs to find the catch. Every salvation he’s ever received has had a catch, why should this one be any different?

“I’ll let the employees know you’re allowed in back if you come during opening hours and I’m not here. I’ll also give you my number in case you come after hours. Just call me and I’ll come let you in, even if I’m still half asleep when I do it,” you shrug. You shrug. As if you aren’t offering him the world. He could almost cry with it so instead he just nods and drowns himself in his tea, now a safely drinkable temperature. 

Silence dominates the room again as you both drink your tea but it’s definitely comfortable this time. It’s almost unnerving how much he feels his guard lowering and the lower it goes the more he longs to reach out to you. You’re right there. If he stretched out his legs they’d likely brush yours where you’re curled up at the opposite end. It could be so easy to just close the distance, just a little bit, just enough to soothe the growing itchiness beneath his skin that creeps in when he’s at his most vulnerable. But years of abuse and strict HPSC approved training aren’t so easily overcome. 

He doesn’t move, doesn’t reach out to touch the way he so desperately wants to, doesn’t do anything even though his inner child screams and begs for it in a way young Keigo was never actually allowed to. He just sits there, drinking the tea you picked out for him and hating himself and his parents and the HPSC for turning him into someone so incredibly starved for affection and yet absolutely terrified to receive it. 

He mourns when he finishes the last of his tea. A quick look out the window reveals that the rain has stopped, which means he’s all out of excuses to stay in the warmth of your apartment. He’s got his own little safe space hidden away in his apartment that he’ll likely sleep in tonight but it feels so far away and lonely right now. Maybe you’ll hug him goodbye. You seem friendly enough to be the type to hug people goodbye and even the HPSC couldn’t begrudge him accepting it since not doing so would be rude. It would be all too brief but it would be something at least. Maybe just that much will be enough to soothe the ache inside him for a while, calm the longing until the next time he cracks and brings himself to your doorstep. It could be enough. He wants more, so much more he feels it viscerally, but it could be enough. 

“Come here,” you suddenly say, setting your now empty mug on the floor next to the couch since the coffee table is just out of reach before stretching your legs out across the couch and reaching your arms out to him. 

He blinks at you confused for a moment. Do you have a mind reading quirk or is he just that obvious? Do you really mean what you’re offering or do you just feel bad for him? Thousands of doubts fill his head and threaten to pull him into a downward spiral but when you just continue to extend the offer with a soft and genuine smile on your face, they suddenly don’t seem so loud. He still moves hesitantly, like one false or too quick move may break the trance of the room and cause you to withdraw from him. Hawks is famous for his speed, but right now Keigo’s pace is almost glacial as he sets down his own mug just as you had and then shifts forward in your space. He expects you to meet him in the middle and give him a quick hug but instead you take hold of his wrist and tug him into you with surprising strength. Before he knows it you’ve settled his head against your chest, your heartbeat right beneath his ear, like it’s nothing. Like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Like this is a normal thing the two of you do together even though prior to tonight the most the two of you have done is talk and banter while you prepare his coffee. 

At first he’s stiff in your arms and it must make you worried you’ve overstepped some boundary because your arms around him start to loosen but he won’t have that. Can’t have that. Not now that what he’s craved for so long is finally right here. So he hurries to reciprocate the embrace, bringing his arms up to wrap around your torso and squeezing, perhaps a bit too tightly. 

“Don’t,” he pleads, and the word comes out so soft, so sad, so pathetic that he can hardly stand it. But you don’t judge him. Of course you don’t. You just lean down to press a kiss to the top of his head before bringing a hand up to card through his hair. 

“I won’t. You’re safe here Keigo. You’re safe,” you assure him. 

It should feel like a violation when you say his real name. It’s certainly felt that way any time someone else has said it since it became public knowledge. But somehow he just knows you’re only doing so because this moment feels too intimate for his hero name. If he told you not to use it he has total faith that you’d listen and maybe that’s naive of him. Everything from his training and upbringing tells him that it’s beyond foolish to put so much trust in anyone, let alone someone he knows as little as he knows you. 

But you’ve also been a constant in his life ever since he first wandered into your coffee shop maybe a year or so ago. At first he was just coming in because you make a mean cup of coffee and the shop is conveniently located, but at some point he knows he started coming in just for the sake of speaking with you however briefly. After all, now that he thinks about it there were definitely times he stopped by only to see one of your employees at the counter instead of you and make some flimsy excuse for why his daily caffeine fix could wait. Maybe everything has been building to this without him even realizing. Somehow you’d carved a space inside him without his notice and it should terrify him but it’s hard to see it as a bad thing when he’s here now, your heartbeat steady beneath his head and your fingers gentle against his scalp. 

“Why’re you doing this?” he asks, his voice rasping softly. 

“Because heroes deserve to be taken care of,” you say but he can tell there’s more to the sentence you’re not saying. 

He pulls back just enough to look up at you, searching your face for some sign of discomfort or regret, but he’s only met with the same hesitance he had already picked up on from your tone of voice as your hand stills in his hair. 

“But?” he prompts but you shake your head and resume running your fingers through the blonde strands. 

“Not ‘but’, ‘and’,” you clarify as you gently bring his head back to your chest. He goes easily enough and braces himself for whatever else you’re about to say. 

“And since you’ve been coming in, I don’t know. It feels presumptuous to say but I feel like the more I see you the more I can see just how much is on your shoulders all the time. I can’t even imagine how difficult that must be. How lonely. I just… I want to give you some place to lay all of it down for a little while. It’s not like I can go out and do what you do but–” 

“Thank you,” he interrupts, cutting off any attempt you might make to diminish what you’ve done for him tonight. He feels more than he hears the start of your protests, so by the time you’ve actually started to say them he’s already had enough time to sit up and force your eyes to meet his. 

“Don’t. You have… you have no idea how much this means. So don’t say ‘it’s nothing’ or ‘anyone would have done it’ or something really stupid like an apology. Just accept my appreciation. Thank you,” he insists.

He watches you nod your head with wide, stunned eyes, clearly not expecting him to be so insistent with his gratitude. It would be so easy to lean down and press his lips to yours. He can feel it in the air, that subtle tension that makes the space between the two of you feel electric. But he’s been selfish enough for one night and he doesn’t want you to think he’s only doing it because you’re here and he’s feeling vulnerable. So he uses the grip he still has on your torso to shift you both until you’re laying on your sides, legs slotting together as if your bodies were made for each other as he settles you both comfortably into place. 

“Let’s just stay like this a little longer, then I promise I’ll get out of your hair,” he whispers, his heart pounding in his chest. 

“Stay the night. Only if you want to, obviously, but… I’d like it if you stayed,” you confess, smiling so warm and sweet.

“Okay, then I’ll stay.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

The two of you end up falling asleep there on the couch, and wrapped up in you and the smell of old leather and roasted coffee, Keigo thinks it’s the first time he’s known what a home could feel like.

A/N: This was so shamelessly self indulgent and self-inserty oops. Low key worried Keigo’s dialogue came out ooc but I’ve literally been working on this all day and it’s 1:30am now so we’re sending it lmao hopefully y’all have enjoyed

Taglist: @ahtsuwu @karamfilmare @larkspyrr @hutaoscoffinn @black-rose-29 @touyasdollmain @izukiss @moonstormmyuna @kingdomkeigo @dnarez @mandalorian-baby-bird @reinersbrat @simpsfortodoroki @unlogical-ella @crowned-peony

[hawke-jpg]

At @moominhands behest here is my game list thing! <3 Reasoning under the cut:

Favorite game of all time: If i absolutley have to pick one it'd have to be Shadow of the Colossus, tho runners up are definitely ICO, FNV, Okami, Windwaker and Twilight Princess. it's hard to choose just the one honestly there's so many more too, but this game was so influential and i sunk so many hours into just exploring the world and taking in every tiny detail, it and ICO really changed my perspective on games in general.

Favorite Series: Dragon Age, it's camp and has a lot of issues, but it gave me extreme brain rot and i love it a lot.

Best Soundtrack: ICO, this game has barely any music! But when it does, it really goes all out, the resting theme and the erie music before the final boss are my favorites.

Favorite Protagonist: Hawke, from Dragon age 2, this is surprising to absolutely no one.

Favorite Villain: Dormin from SOTC, I love this thing, is it even really a villan? who knows but it's very cool and i love the voice acting for it! runners up are the shadow creatures from ICO for similar reasons and The Master from Fallout 1.

Best Story: Night in the Woods. This was really hard to pick tbh i could've put a few in this spot but this is one of my favorite story focused walking sims and i love to revisit it.

Have not played but want to: Disco Elysium, I've attempted to play this game on console very briefly once but couldn't get used to the controls. Now that i have a PC I'm planning to play it but i need to be in the right headspace for big CRPGs as i find them hard to get into so, i just need to wait till the time is right to play it. I also want to play Hades.

You Love, Everyone Hates: The Last Guardian, everyone hated this game SO MUCH, especially at launch.. Heaps of streaming people who had only ever played Shadow all expected it to be SOTC again but when it turned out to be much closer to ICO with only some elements of Shadow people just hated it so much for what it wasn't. This game much like ICO can be frustrating at times but it's really good and had a lot of love put into it, the A I of the Creature Trico is especially cool as it learns depending on how you interact with it and becomes more responsive and easy to direct. It's certainly not a game for everyone but it didn't deserve the amount of disdain it received on release.

You Hate, Everyone Loves: (please don't kill me for these I don't actually hate them they're just not for me) Kingdom hearts, I tried multiple times to play these games and i just couldn't get into them, they're just not for me i think, i don't really find the gameplay or story elements particularly engaging. Sad! a lot of my friends really love these and seem to get a lot out of them. I never had the chance to play them as a kid though so i feel like i may have had different opinions if i'd started playing them earlier. Last of us 2, The weird opinion split when it released between bigots who hated it cause women and queer people were in it and then the other people saying it was the most profound piece of media ever was really frustrating because it kind of shut down a lot of good faith criticism. I think the main problems i have is that it came out in a really depressing time where something with such a bleak and unsatisfying ending came across as a bit gauche even though the devs couldn't have anticipated it. And that there's a bunch of good elements about it that just didn't really stick the landing for me, or were handled poorly imo. Personally the overall message it's going for via it's gameplay and story had already been done, and done better over 10 years prior (see Shadow of the Colossus; Ico was a stated main inspiration for the first last of us and i'm pretty certain Shadow was for part 2 considering the parallels), and it would've been quite ground breaking back then but now it's not so much. Again this is personal opinion of how it's just not really for me.

Best Art Style: Okami! Kind of self explanatory, even on ps2 this game's graphics still hold up because of that art style, and i love how it was incorporated into the gameplay.

Favorite Ending: Zelda: Twilight Princess, love this game, the climactic boss rush and the story conclusion is so good, it's such a long game and the characters go through so much it all really wraps up nicely even with it's melancholic tone. This was the first Zelda game i fully finished so the ending had more of an impact on me too because of that.

Favorite Boss Fight: Crimson Helm, from Okami, this guy is super fun to fight, cool design, great arena, always a good one to revisit.

Childhood Game(s): my first ever game was Duke Nukem DOS on the floppy disk on my dads old computer, it's a side scroller that's sound effects are drilled into my brain. Frogger i got later on the same computer once dad upgraded his for work, it was the first game i ever finished. and Nintendogs i got much later again with the old clunky silver DS, i played this game way too much.

Relaxing Game(s): Lil Gator Game, it's so fun and cruisey to play, really charming and great controls. Flock, I only played this recently but it's so fun, very pretty, you just fly about and spot new creatures to list in your encyclopedia! A Short Hike, really great chill vibes, i love revisiting this one every now and then. Proteus is also a good one.

Stressful Game: Mass Effect 2, I love these games but they're so stressful trying to avoid people dying from random dumb choices you make hours prior omg! 2 is especially bad for it off memory, i remember writing up a strategy sheet for that last big level so i could avoid people dying.

Game you always come back to: Drakan The Ancients Gates, I love this one, it's a bit janky but it's got a really weird and interesting world, with a weird plot and bizzare character design.

Guilty Pleasure: The Dog Island, this game is so silly but i played so much of it as a kid it was kind of ridiculous, so i really enjoy revisiting it every now and then, it's also kind of bizarre in terms of how the story is written.

Tons of Hours Played: Baldur's Gate 3, I've only played it through twice but it's stacked up a bunch of hours, really good tho! others that I've spent way too much time with is Dragon age Inquisition, Animal crossing NH and NL, and of course SOTC but i dont actually have the hour count for that one, i can only assume.

[reedfulton]

hii!! I was wondering if we can get some of your charlie/fulton hcs, or just about them in general. I saw on your fulton rarepairs post that they were one of your pairs and i’d love to hear more on what you have to say about them (bc you didn’t get to in the post) bc I really love them and their paring.

omg absolutely!! sorry, i've totally abandoned tumblr because of school commitments and stuff so i hope this ask isn't too old lmao. but anyway, here are some of my hcs for them!! they're one of my favorite pairs ever and i'm honestly very surprised that more people don't ship them.

i've always said that i think they're childhood friends. i think i posted something about it a long time ago and then proceeded to not elaborate on it, but i always thought that fulton's home life wasn't great and so he was kind of allowed (or forced) to wander minneapolis/stillwater just to get out of the house. i did the math at one point and realized that the diner that casey works at is kind of in-between the heart of minneapolis and stillwater, so it wouldn't be insane to think that fulton might have ended up at the diner a lot as a kid. i think he and casey became 'friends' first (casey practically adopted him) and then when casey brought charlie to the diner because she didn't have anyone to watch him, they became fast friends

their friendship started off so well because fulton was extremely shy and charlie could talk to a brick wall and make good conversation, so charlie didn't really expect anything from fulton and fulton has no problem sitting and listening and retaining information from stories and stuff. that's kind of how their relationship works too lmao. charlie's always talking about random things and his wikipedia deep dives and hockey stats and fulton will definitely talk back if he has something to say, but sometimes charlie just needs a sounding board and fulton is more than happy to be that for him (and charlie is very impressed with all the random stuff fulton remembers just because charlie's the one that told him)

fulton's had a crush on charlie since they were in peewees. i don't think they were still super close when fulton joined the ducks, but they definitely still spoke to each other in class and stuff, and fulton joining sparked their friendship (and fulton's feelings for charlie) again. it's a super cute puppy-love kind of crush, and fulton has absolutely no clue how to deal with it lol. it's also definitely why fulton was watching the D5 games before he ever joined the team, and why he was so ready to fight the hawks the second he had the opportunity.

they definitely have one of those relationships where most people can't even tell if they're best friends or dating. they don't really do PDA (other than charlie laying on him like a cat, which he also does with a lot of people), and 'dude' is their main term of endearment in public lol.

casey LOVES fulton so much it's insane. charlie jokes that when they come home for breaks, she's more excited to see fulton than she is to see him and hes right

fulton's the little spoon but he'd kill anyone that ever found out

charlie is exactly 3 inches taller than fulton and it pisses fulton off to NO END. charlie knows this and definitely teases him about it.

i think once charlie bulks up a bit (probably like junior/senior year) they get to a point where they can wear each other's clothes and then just. never stop. at this point they don't even know who's clothes originally belonged to who anymore.

their first kiss happens after a game where charlie got injured and fulton felt so bad that he couldn't do anything about it that he's fussing over charlie in the locker room afterwards and bumbling his way through apologizes and charlie just. kisses him to shut him up as a funny haha joke but then realizes how fulton reacted to it and is like "oh shit this is actually A Thing"

fulton fell first charlie fell harder

they don't do PDA but they're all over each other the second they're alone. both of them have definitely made the other one irish goodbye at multiple events just so they can go home and make out and cuddle

sorry if these make ZERO sense i definitely was Not writing these at work :D. but i love talking about them so thank you so much for this ask! if you have any other prompts or ideas for them or anything do not hesitate to reach out, now that my semester is over and i'm just working full-time i totally have extra time and want to be more active on here :]

[pikapeppa]

OC Name Meanings

Thank you so much for the tag @elveny! Your answers were so good and thoughtful that I feel like mine are going to be so dumb in comparison LMAO.

Rules: Search and post the meaning of your OC’s name (if you made their name up or they go by a nickname, post an explanation of how it came to you)! bonus if you can find something for their last name too.

*********

All right [cracks knuckles] I'll start from the top.

Mass Effect (original trilogy): Commander Adriana Shepard. I named her after my husband because he introduced me to the game. NOT VERY ORIGINAL, but named with love? 🤣

Mass Effect Andromeda: Mara Ryder. I honestly cannot remember why I chose this name for her. Vibes, probably? I often just pick a name that "feels" right...

Dragon Age Inquisition: okay, I made up sooo many fucking Lavellans, and when I first started writing, most of them were just named after Game of Thrones characters. This includes Elia, Arya, and Lyanna.

(By now, you may have noticed that all my OCs have names ending in "a". I do like names ending in "a." I am consistent that way. 😂)

Athera Lavellan is the DA:I OC whose name is the most thought-out. I borrowed it from FenxShiral's Elvhen book of names, and it means 'part of a dream', which thematically tied into her romance with Abelas.

But then there's Tamaris, which is another name that I chose because of vibes (it "felt right"). I will admit that I know someone named Tamaris and I love the name, but I was also surprised to find that this is coincidentally a name from FenxShiral's name dictionary - a fact that I used in my fic of her and Felassan.

Dragon Age 2: Rynne Hawke. Her name was also chosen for vibes; 'Rynne' struck me as a kind of fun, playful name. I think in-world, she is named after a great-aunt. (It's been a while since I revisited her, I think this is the lore. 🤣)

Dragon Age Origins: Yara Mahariel. BACK TO THE TRIED AND TRUE METHOD OF USING GAME OF THRONES NAMES. 🤣💀

Baldur's Gate 3: my main Tav is Eilaena Valderol, aka Brynn Bladetongue. THIS WAS THE NAME I THOUGHT ABOUT THE MOST. Her birth name, Eilaena, is a drow name broadly inspired by the goddess Eilistraee. Her last name is her mother's name, which I used a D&D name generator to come up with. Her criminal alias, Brynn , was borrowed from an adventurer she admired who was a regular at the theater-tavern where she grew up. 'Bladetongue' is a stagename-like surname that she came up with; in her words, it's masturbatory (flattering herself for her silver tongue), and she likes the alliteration. She's half-wood elf/half-drow, and she purposely gave herself a human-sounding alias to fuck with people LOL.

My other BG3 OC is Tavanah. I liked the idea of using the default "non-special" name of 'Tav', but making it special by having her romance, Rolan, be the only one who calls her by her full name.

Tagging forward: once again, to genuinely anyone who wants to play!!! But let's start with @seabirdsong @iamcayc @novarunestone @elinorbard @crackinglamb @johaerys-writes @alyssalenko @vorchagirl @hollyand-writes

[kiwipineappleparasol]

TTYD Remake — Chapter 3, 4, & 5 Ramblings

I suddenly realized I forgot to post all my rambling here! And then I beat the game haha. But I will post my notes like I did not just Watch the Credits Sequence today . So do not fear! This is only for Chapters 3 4 & 5

I like when they show all the partners out together! Like at the Thousand year door or the blimp cutscene with them all riding together … That one made me unreasonably happy when starting chapter 3 haha.

I was . Literally kicking my feet giggling hysterically when I saw that the photo standee now actually does a little photo op??? I was sooooo happy oh my god . Noone asked for them to make the standee actually interactable to this extent but they did cause they could ! As a kid I would always pretend I was getting photos in it so this literally shot an arrow directly at my Child Self . This game is for meeeeee.

The fact your title screen has your Yoshi color on it! Suuuuuuper neat, I was quite surprised by it -- I just love the title screen in general . How everyone shows up as they join the cast! So fun. Another one of those details just added because they could ! I named my Yoshi Hot Dog by the way . And it was pink! I always wanted the pink one as a kid haha -- but I never got it.

I spent so much time talking to every NPC in chapter 3 it was embarrassing . And I don't think I even saw every piece of NPC dialogue despite my best efforts . Chapter 3 was such fun for me to go through I looooooove Glitzville . One of my favorite chapters for sure

I can appreciate how much foreshadowing there is for everything in this chapter now that I'm older… Bandy Andy and the Seven Wonders are an obvious example -- he directly foreshadows both Grubba's motive and his own demise. NPCs won't stop talking about Prince Mush, especially the juice shop lady -- who is obviously Jolene in disguise… My favorite might be this extremely obscure piece of dialogue if you talk to the freelance cameraman on the second floor, he tells you that Rawk Hawk used to be such a polite guy; he even sent Prince Mush a cake before their match! … Yep. Super Polite Guy! Bet that cake wasn't poisoned.

The way Bandy Andy's disappearance is like. All but unsaid is so cool to me. He just vanishes from the hallway and is silently replaced like nothing happened. But if you talked to him, you'd know exactly what he investigated that caused his disappearance. Loveee chapter 3.

Shellshock eating the cakes will never not be funny to me 🍰 that and him calling Mario "baby" is just inherently amusing to me. Mario is NOT your babygirl.... (End of Chapter 3 Notes)

THEY DID IT THEY CHANGED THE TRANSLATION !!!!! 🏳️‍⚧️ we looooooove you Vivian . I will give her The World . They also changed the translation for Jerry though too! Originally, he said he had to stop Luigi from wearing a dress ever again, but now he says he can't let Luigi fumble around in heels again because he might just kill someone . Jerry Character Development we love to see it .

I love the fact all the NPCs have different little voices it just adds so much … And I still can't get over all their cute little animations.

VIVIAN'S THEME IS SOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD!!! I will be listening to this Again . The spooky battle theme rules too . Such great Spooky Atmosphere they set with this chapters music and visuals .

Doopliss rocking in his little rocking chair was an absolute highlight for me . Look at him . I love his room so much . All he does is sit around, watch TV and curse the townspeople all day. He's bored!

the partner hints can be very silly . I really like how because Goombella DITCHED Mario for his poser in Chapter 4 that Vivian becomes the main partner hint girl for a time ! Love extra Vivian content .

I had the W Emblem badge when I got to chapter 4, but I was thinking that it wouldn't affect how Doopliss looked, let alone random NPC dialogue. But color me shocked when Doopliss stole the Wario Color Palette and the townspeople said he wore purple and yellow! This attention to detail is so cool.

The reveal at the end of the chapter ! How the paper ripped away to reveal his true form ! How Mario's shadow state was peeled off like a sticker! Finally a good use of stickers in Paper Mario . (Laughtrack)

My mother wasn't pleased that we had to beat Doopliss up because "look at him he's so cute he didn't do anything wrong." But she did say he should give up Mario's identity because his true form looks much better which is true. (End of Chapter 4 Notes)

Arfur saying he wants to talk to Swindell but he can't find him anywhere … You walk over two feet and see Swindell across the bridge. That got to me LMAO. That and Swindell calling some guy hopping into people's chimneys dashing. Happy Pride!

Mario tipping his hat to pay his respects to Scarlette …

FLAVIOS SINGING VOICE IS SO FUNNY. imagine being on a ship forced to listen to that for days on end.

The sequence of them all going overboard was Awesome love seeing everyone drown . But actually just so many of these cutscenes look so good in this remake !!! It's almost hard to appreciate them all because they set such a standard for them all!

Keyhaul Key looks so good actually. I mean I love all the new graphics in general it just really was hammered in here. Like wow. This game looks awesome. I love the battle theme here too.

Flavio and Pa-patch fighting over who's the Bravest Coolest Guy only for them to both quiver behind Mario is both entirely expected and very amusing. I Enjoy whatever is wrong with them.

(not) LORD CRUMP DOING THE FUCKING 👉👈 POSE??? hilarious. Also him Evilly Apologizing all the time. AND WHEN HE PICKED UP MARIO OVER HIS HEAD. why didn't he just drop him over the bridge and get it over with .

Koops saying "here I was feeling depressed … Mario, whack this guy" after they realized Bobbery wasn't dead . LMAO.

"Um. No. Not fair. I hate you all." Has got to be one of my top ten favorite lines from this game now.

The amount of joy Flavio riding on Yoshi with Mario brings is insane it's so funny to me. Two grown men piggybacking on a child . The only downside to the new pipe system is that you can no longer do the Flavio glitch and keep him forever.

Bobbery's partner hints are so full of personality… Also you can interact with the winch with every character and you bet I did that just to see what everyone said. I like how Koops didn't even know what the sluice gate was called, it feels very in line with him growing up in a peaceful village doing Nothing. Me too buddy.

I Can't Believe It Was Lord Crump This Whole Time! … Is what I would say if he hadn't told us earlier. I mean his disguise was flawless. Can you imagine Lord Crump doing this 👉👈? (Joking Statement)

CORTEZ SHAKING WITH RAGE WAS SOOOO FUNNY . He is SEETHING. also him eating the Skull Gem . Yum yum! I love this whole sequence with him and Flavio so much. His cabin is soooo pretty in the remake. They really went all out with the coins and gems here. I had to take so many screenshots !

THE SHIP FIGHTING SEQUENCE is great . I watched it twice just because I could .

I can't get over this dialogue from Pa-Patch after chapter 5 . The only explanations I can think of is 1: this is somehow offensive in Bom-Omb Culture or 2: he realized this sounded like he was flirting with a widower who just barely stopped blaming himself for his late wife's death. Bad look.

[cinematicsstuff]

My evening tribute to Hayden and Natalie who used their talent to bring life to two main characters of the saga, letting us enjoy their amazing chemistry as Anidala.

They, at the time, had to face very harsh criticism. It was "IN" to vomit on the prequels, and Hayden and Natalie, two young actors who were kind of starting, were the ideal targets.

Thus, critics and fans of the original trilogy spat on them, confident of being holders of the objective truth. Aren't we, as humans, conforted when we think the same as the majority, free to bully ?

I was even surprised to read, as far as yesterday, an article from I don't know which website that ranked their chemistry among the worst in cinema.

[It also reminds me of a journalist from the Times who wrote, not so long ago, that now "we should forgive Hayden Christensen", when I believe it should be those who fought in a pack against him who should apologise for the hate they spewed on a man who, deep down, had done nothing wrong, and, this, while that hate has aged very badly. It's not because you work for the Times that everything you write is necessarily valid, and there, for once, the article not only validates the bullying - how ugly -, but doesn't manage to catch the thread of history.]

What's even more interesting is that, I listened to a podcast with Ewan and Ethan Hawke for Raymond and Ray's PR, and Ewan was saying how much he hated when critics judged which pair has chemistry and which doesn't, because all that thing was a way to put actors down.

~

I'm confident to say these people were wrong.

Hayden and Natalie made a whole generation dream, and this generation is there today to tell how much their version of Anakin and Padme means to them.

They have inspired millions of people, and as such, deserve all the love.

[princess-of-the-corner]

Honestly, the more you talk about it, the more I want to hear about Endeavour's PR. Who's on it, like, number of people? What is their main stance before Enji starts turning his life around? What do they fight him on? Which specific thing finally gets him to fire them? Plus, which poor sap finds himself suddenly going from note-taker to head of PR (you know there had to be at least 1 decent person in there that never got promoted, but actually supports what Enji's trying to do).

HONESTLY LIEK

it's fuckin.

Enji kinda has just. Hired PR people in general and gave bare-minimum instructions and trusted them to know what they're doing. So it's a combo of letting them have free rein on things he doesn't feel he has time for (like letting them handle every time the media accuses him of having an affair or having a bastard child, overall management of his twitter page), or taking their advice on ways to improve his image in the eyes of the public(this can range from 'covering gray hairs' to 'fielding which charity events he attends as he can't go to all of them').

But ofc this has kinda swung into the PR team kinda.... either assuming his wants/viewpoints to make statements, and/or them telling him what's 'right' based on their own feelings vs. what he wants. And Enji is just dealing with so much else and the whole point of hiring them was 'handle this so I don't have to' that he rarely checks in to keep an eye on things. (which is how he doesn't know gay people exist even though the last like 4 years have been spent with the media accusing him of having an affair with Hawks lmao).

And I have two thoughts on things where the PR team acts without Enji's permission that leads to a complete 'scrap the fuckers and start over with more checks in place'. Like there's /more/ on the whole, but these are the only two I have specific thoughts on

One is- I have a specific scene planned out for this where it's Enji gets dragged out with Midnight and Snipe's drinking night, and this is post-finding out about gay people which those two are aware of him being queer. So they're suddenly getting notifications of his twitter posting something even though he's right there and not on his phone so they're like 'uh you might wanna check this out'.

Enji's kinda surprised because usually the PR team does get /some/ permission before speaking for him, did kinda say 'yeah just handle certain things without notifying me'. And it takes him a minute to even realize what they posted as, having only known gay people exist for like a month, isn't up to date on subtle homophobic phrases like 'traditional family values'.

ofc he immediately borrows Midnight's phone to use her twitter and post a response video of 'fuck off, my PR team posted that and I will be talking to them because I am here for the lgbt community'.

Which yeah opens up him investigating into that and finding subtle and less-than-subtle things that they've been doing for his image. And while it might have /technically/ helped keep his popularity up, it does against things he thinks are right.

And the second incident is bigger which is. Idk if he finds out through investigation or if Natsuo says it after Enji has worked to gain back some trust but like.

A little bit after Toya first 'died', Natsuo did try to go for exposing the fact that Enji is a bad parent and trying to get that info out to the media and like get cps involved and such. But the PR team caught wind of it and shut it down HARD. Very guilt-tripping, threatening, and even bringing the Commission into this situation to prove to the kid that nothing would be done, and if he continued to try then, well. The middle child isn't usually missed all that much.

Enji is. Very. Very pissed at this. The not telling him, the fact that they threatened his kid to preserve his image. The fact that this contributed to some of the family drama because Natsuo assumed Enji knew and had them cover for him when, again, he had no idea at all and would've taken Natsuo's grievances a hell of a lot more seriously if he did.

It's. It's a LOT.

[itsnothingofinterest]

With hindsight how do you feel about my hero? If things keep the course and this is the final arc and everything wraps up after the heroes win how has your view and opinion of past chapters changed?

Personally the story is very different from where I thought it'd be when I first started watching the anime. The villains didn't end up being what I hoped they'd be and the ones I'd hoped would get more time and action ended up falling off, same with some of the students. The biggest change for me has to be the pros, originally I didn't think much of them and figured they'd only be cool background pieces while we focus on the students. But now I actually enjoy the pros as characters and my favorite character arc isn't one of the kids or villains but an adult hero.

Hmm, that's a question to get the introspection flowing. How fun.

For one thing; I definitely didn’t expect the villains to be as major players, or such favourites of mine, as they ended up being when I started the series. I mean I always knew in my heart Shigaraki was gonna be the major villain player, more successful and with more to him than Overhaul or AFO. (Man, remember when people hoped Overhaul would take over as main villain from Shigaraki? Wild, right? I think they said the same of Stain too back then.) But that he reached near deuteragonist status surprised me.

My opinions on the pros as a whole have definitely lessened, but thinking about it, most opinions on individuals haven't really changed; main exceptions where my opinions dropped being Hawks and Jeanist. Maybe Mic too, after he nearly blasted Korokumo. But All Might, Wash, or Kamui Woods I feel about the same as ever for. And Endeavor I always hated since his intro, and though I may hate him more now, it’s not really to a significant degree (like, we always suspected Rei didn't consent to all her children, so 301 confirming that could only do so much). But as the other heroes lifted him up and defended him, it dragged them all down. As did realizing how much they were complicit in; Tartarus, the Commissions’ corruptions, and other such red flags waving atop hero society as a whole which the pros seek to uncritically defend.

And more recently, I'm afraid I’ve given up on Deku and the next generation fixing their predecessors' failings (without outside influence anyway). He never really got around to the idea of “surpassing All Might” in anything but quirk ability. That Shoji proposed a passive non-solution to the prejudice that inspired tons of villains while Shinsou started using the red flag battle tactics of using prisoners as weapons against villains is also not helping my perception of the next generation of heroes.

It's a big reason why I keep putting all my hopes, if this is the end, into Deku realizing Shigaraki’s points on the failings of hero society are right and convincing him to work together to find non-violent solutions to those points (instead of the alternative I’m most worried about, Deku insisting he’s just brainwashed by AFO and all his critiques should be ignored). My hope is that this way, Tomura's development could sorta fill in for the development Deku didn't get by never thinking about these things. I'll admit it's kind of a rushed easy-out; but if this is the final arc then it’s either that or this setting is doomed. And despite my critiques I actually do like Deku, and I don’t want him to see hero society rot further under his watch because he’ll be the hero who fails the next Shigaraki(s). So I’m praying for a last minute course correction away from that possibility.

[kakusu-shipping]

for your mha s/i

🩺Doctor: What is the worst injury that you/your self-insert has sustained in canon? If so, what was the cause and did you recover? What was your f/os reaction?

🔥Flame: Do you/your self-insert have an enemy? If so, who is it and why are they so hated? What was a particularly heated moment between you two?

@i-put-the-s4p-in-s4pphic

I actually have FOUR My Hero Academia Self Inserts, none of which I've talked about sense I stopped watching the show a while ago... So to make up for it I'll talk about all four of them!!!

Thankyou so much for your ask!!!

🩺Doctor: What is the worst injury that your self-insert has sustained in canon?

Hero - Luckily a lot of his injure have been pretty minor compared to Taishiro's. Not to say he hasn't been injured, both as a Hero and a Pro Baseball Player, but nothing that really stands out as too impactful. Taishiro plays it tough but he's a big ol worrier when someone he cares about gets hurt, so he'll fuss over Gumball if he so much as sprains and ankle though.

Villain - Complete opposite of Gumball, he's sustained so many Critical Injuries it's rather difficult to pinpoint on of importance. AFO found him both easy to fix and rather entertaining to break. When he started living with the League his rate of injury decreased, but the amount of worry increases. Jin especially freaked out when he as so much got a paper cut.

Student - This S/I is still sort of a WIP but if I were to guess, his worst injury would probably be something caused by the Hero Commission, probably while tagging along behind Hawks for training, before he was adopted by Nezu. He probably doesn't talk about those times much though, so neither Nezu nor Ojiro know about it.

Civilian - This S/I is also in WIP even though they're the oldest MHA S/I I have, they're probably the least finished just due to proximity to a Main Character combined with how far behind the series I've fallen. I image they might be injured during the War Arc for some reason but.. That'll just have to wait and see. Sorry for the non-answer!

🔥Flame: Do your self-inserts have any enemies? If so, who is it and why are they so hated?

Hero - Less of an enemy and more of a Rival; He and Shishido don't get along, much in the way Shishido and Gang Orca don't get along. It only got worse after he stole one of Shishido's Interns, Shoda, after a HLB match. He thought the kid made a good pitcher, what can he say!

Villain - MANY. Comes with the Villain territory. While he never actively met him, he does share the rest of the League's hatred for Kai Chisaki, both for killing one of his son's beloved friends, but also for being responsible for his brother's death. He was also the one set to keep eyes on the UA spy, and while he doesn't consider them enemies, he wouldn't be surprised to find out they think of him as such. He wouldn't blame them for it, either. (he's also constantly ready to throw down with Endeavor, though the opportunity never presented itself)

Student - Like Nezu probably the Hero Commission in General is Enemy number 1 to him, but the one person he puts the most blame on is Hawks, just do to proximity. Nezu's tried to convince him Hawks is like them, a victim of the Commission, but that's a hard pill to swallow when you're 14 years old and were constantly threatened if you couldn't keep up with someone twice your age. He'll probably be bitter about it for a long time.

Civilian - His wonderful beautiful person son, Neito Monoma's, parents. He's of course, very polite and calm and put together on the outside, but they drive him crazy. That's his perfect son boy boy son. They don't appreciate him like he does. If there wasn't an active war going on he'd fight them for custody and win. Neito pretends not to see the cracks in his not-legally-adopted father's patient smile.

[kainagant]

Do you think they'll bring back lady nagant before the manga ends? I'm always wondering how her ending will be written tbh

....maybe? i'm not sure. i don't even like her middle that much, to be honest. her backstory and personality and design are top tier, but from the start i never liked how horikoshi handled her face heel turn. or just her arc in general.

the thing is that in the first place her siding with all for one was kind of clumsy. it's only revealed through deku's terms that her heart really wasn't in it, which shouldn't even be a surprise since it was well established that she is sick and tired of being a gun for hire, and i can't imagine that she'd be happy with capturing a minor and delivering him to be at a legendary supervillain's mercy. but again, this isn't portrayed very well.

and then her flip flop to siding with deku again also felt incredibly hamfisted. i can still justify why she would do that in my head, but just from what we see actually happen it doesn't make any sense why deku's speech towards her made a difference. overall i just think she deserved a much longer arc that delved deeper into her actual thoughts and feelings as she went through everything.

her appearance in the dark hero arc as the main antagonist made a lot of sense, but the execution was just terrible. because the dark hero arc followed the events of jaku city, when heroes were retiring left and right and public sentiment was at an all time low. none of this likely was a surprise to lady nagant. because she always knew that the idea of "peace" was a fragile illusion. you could even say that the symbol of peace was a fragile illusion, because he really was. people were allowed to live in ignorance of just how weak and flawed heroes could be. because people were never told that heroes were just human, and that they had the capacity to fail. rather, people were encouraged to rely on the invincibility of heroes, so overall very "i told you so" when that fragile illusion crumbled.

if they bring her back at all, i can probably only expect like. one or two panels cameo, epilogue style. even though i firmly believe that she deserves a lot more. i want to see her and hawks healing from their trauma, maybe even working together to reform or dismantle the hpsc. i want to see her watch hero society change in a way that ensures that heroes like her are not allowed to continue down the dark path she traveled, and when a bad apple slips through the cracks, that its not covered up. i want her to tell class 1-a "it's okay to be a human, before you're a hero" and i want her to yell at society "heroes are just human, and if you're not okay with that then fuck you". but i don't think we'll see much of this, realistically.

[alovelyburn]

@ayustar​ I think I’m just allergic to incredibly long posts which is hilarious coming from me, but it is what it is.

Reference to the conversation here:

I’ll be honest, I’m not much of an “I want to see the characters I dislike suffer” type of person anyway so the drive to watch a character be humiliated is kind of beyond me. Sometimes I guess you could call it justice and sometimes it’s narratively interesting but I don’t get a thrill out of it or anything.

I’m also not prone to disliking characters at all - 99% of the time I either don’t care about them or like them to one degree or another.

NOW. As for what Griffith is doing....

Obviously we don’t know for sure, and I could be incredibly wrong about this, but HONESTLY I kind of think he’s doing exactly what he seems to be doing: building a single nation for humanity that functions as a haven and incorporates all types of people, including former humans like the Apostles.

I don’t think there’s going to be a secret trap, or that he’s secretly trying to destroy humanity or that he’s secretly got a sausage machine under Falconia turning humans into food for the Apostles. I just don’t. Unless it’s a punishment for criminals I guess? That would be less surprising.

And I think the core issue with Griffith, the reason that he can be (and usually is) seen as the villain, comes down to as few major things:

1. The paradise he builds is metaphorically constructed atop the graves of the Hawks, whom Guts loved, and Guts neither places any value in peace  nor gives a fuck about humanity as a whole, so he doesn’t care how nice Falconia is, nothing will ever justify the cost to him. Since Guts is the main character the reader tends to be inclined to root for his perspective over the opposing perspective, but as Miura himself said that doesn’t mean that Griffith’s perspective is inherently wrong, it’s just a matter of which direction or angle you take on it.

2. The question of the cost. Not just the deaths of the Hawks but the sacrificed innocents around the Tower of Conviction, and the loss of the world outside Falconia - the monsters, the chaos, the death - is it worthwhile? It’s a bit like the question of whether gaining security is worth losing one’s freedom. Falconia may be a lovely place, but building it required massive sacrifices, one of which is ongoing (the relative safety of the world before Griffith merged planes), not to mention that you don’t really have any choice but to live there if you want to survive. Is that worth it?

So like, do the ends justify the means? Is it worth losing the world before to gain the world that he’s created? It’s sort of a question that needs to be answered on an individual level and people are bound to disagree, thus Miura’s statement that the world Griffith creates is more convenient for some people (and implicitly therefore not for others).

It also fits the philosophical difference between Griffith (representative of the collective) and Guts (representative of the individual) - for Griffith losing individuals (even if he loves them) is preferable to betraying the collective (for example by letting their deaths go to waste), and to Guts it’s definitively the other way around.

My general feeling, and this is veering into theory but it is what it is, is that Griffith/Femto was sent to the world to kickstart the next age of humanity, and that the age in question is reached through the tunnel known as the Age of Darkness -  a period of monsters and tumult and violence with a high mortality rate that people look back on later and say, “that sure was a dark time.” But i think the idea is that when they look back, they’re no longer in a bad place - they have arrived at the light that lives inside the darkness.

There are a lot of reasons I think this - among them being the actual in canon references to Griffith bringing a new age (and the comment from IoE that his actions will bring humanity salvation or suffering), and the fact that the old Godhand, the ones in the Void Eclipse, are drawn to resemble ancient deities and monsters which implies to me that the age before the last incarnated Godhand was similar to the ancient world.

Miura had also said that the end of Berserk would delve into Taoism and Qi which, look I am not an expert in Taoism by any means but... google it sometime and a lot about the nature of Berserk and characters like the Godhand and Griffith may become clearer.

The biggest and most revelatory thing that I found while looking into it after reading that quote is this site (the site looks janky because it’s old, but it’s a site created by a professor for the use of their students):

While many Western religions emphasize a duality between good and evil, urging devotees to embrace the good and spurn the evil, Taoism saw these moral qualities as two extremes of a single spectrum. Virtue did not lie at one end or the other of this spectrum, but through carefully maintaining a balance between the two.

Then it talks about Yin and Yang, the most common expression of this principle which I’m leaving out because this is long but it’s at the link above if you’re curious. Then...

These traits appear oppositional on first inspection. However, that opposition is only a surface illusion in Taoist belief. In fact, the two states of nature require each other. Just as an art student knows that negative space around an object is what creates the outline of positive space in a drawing, the enlightened Taoist knows that suffering, pain and misery are necessary for traits like contentment, pleasure, and happiness to exist. Sickness and health are the same phenomenon; they are just at far ends of that same phenomenological spectrum. Masculinity and femininity are also the same thing; they are both the phenomenon of gender expressed in opposite ways. Love and hatred are also the same phenomenon, and so on. 

Which is kind of how you end up with things like Griffith being both light and dark, or Guts and Griffith’s complicated feelings about one another and the statement from Skull Knight that they are half of one another.

And I just....

...if I’m being totally honest I think these things are already evident in the series so I’m not at all surprised but i am smug as hell because of all the arguments I had about this back in the day.

But I mean one of the big things about Asian media (at least in my own personal experience which is limited, so don’t take it as a universal) is that you get a lot of conceptual stuff that western audiences aren’t used to because our media tends to be more concrete and deal in more definitive concepts. And this is one of the big reasons that the west has a hard time interpreting Berserk and... I think it’s slightly exacerbated by  the way Berserk kind of masquerades as a Western-style revenge story.

[swallowerofdharma]

What Guts is for Griffith

a dispassionate analysis written for a better understanding of both characters and of Berserk

Part 3: I have always been the monster

On the night of the waxing moon, traditionally celebrated in Japan on the 13th of the ninth month, and known as Jūsan'ya (十三夜, thirteenth night), two main events of this arc take place. Because we culturally focus so much on verbal statements, on speech and rhetoric especially, lots of attention has been given to one of those two events: the conversation between Griffith and Charlotte, overheard by Guts and Casca, when Griffith talks about dreams and what he thinks a friend is. I already talked a little about one of the inspiration for it (in part 1, where you find the ** symbol). But I would like to analyze here the emotional aspects of the events surrounding this conversation, and especially Guts’s accidental murder of the thirteen years old son of general Julius. Let’s consider this two events, taking place on the same night, on a specific date, and let’s look at them together because they are very closely related to each other.

Guts is on his mission to assassinate Julius and witness a violent interaction between the general and his son Adonis during sword training, a moment that brings him back to memories of Gambino and himself as a child and unleashes a series of unresolved emotions. Guts is telling himself to not be distracted and careless, but it doesn’t work, and he ends up accidentally killing Adonis in a moment of surprise. After fleeing from the guards through the sewers, he falls unconscious and dreams of Gambino and Zodd. In the dream Zodd kills Gambino severing his head, and stabs child Guts in the chest, only to be revealed that Zodd is Guts himself, turned into a monster. One could argue that Guts didn’t have the intention to kill both of the times referenced here, with Gambino and Adonis, but there is definitely a habit to kill ingrained into him, because of the violent environment that has always been around him, a reality where the only option is sleeping with a sword in his hand.

There are so many things to unpack here that I am a little bit intimidated by the task.

I think one of the things that should be noticed is how Guts often emotionally correlates his relationship with Gambino with the one he has been building with Griffith. Guts’ affective habits formed around those few affectively charged transactions within the lonely and hostile world he grew up in, and he tends to replicate some dynamics and insecurities that he internalized. For example, he always felt that he owed Gambino, that he was indebted to him, that he had to prove himself to obtain some kind of attention, let alone affection: “I was always desperate. Always trying to get you to appreciate me…” In the same way, in the instances when Griffith helped him on the battlefield, he felt that he owed him every time, like he failed a task and he only needs to be useful. But the reality is that Guts never could satisfy Gambino, like Adonis couldn’t give his father joy: “Such a young child. How merciless. In the end, not once did this boy get to make his father smile”. But this reality speaks for Gambino and Julius’s own shortcomings, their emotional repression and unavailability as fathers, not for their children’s failure to satisfy them or gain their love. And maybe only being useful and ready to kill aren’t the things he needs to do for Griffith, to be acknowledged or to gain his respect and affection.

Guts’s appearance and expression - when he goes looking for Griffith at the tavern and finds that he isn’t there, and when he goes to the palace to reach him - reveal his state of devastation. Guts is still drenched and dirty, bleeding from an arrow wound and with a completely empty and vacant stare. He looks like he has been hollowed out. At his lowest point since he joined the band of the Hawk, he only asks for Griffith, barely registering anything else that Casca said, except for his location. He hasn’t formed any other meaningful relationship with the others and he is looking for the only person that can offer him reassurance. It is at this moment, when he needs Griffith the most that he sees him with princess Charlotte, under the waxing moon outside of the palace. And he would have gone to him anyway, if he wasn’t for Casca stopping him. And in doing so he would have carelessly given himself away, and Griffith too, since the assassination was to be reported soon after. He is upset and unthinking.

In this state of mind he overhears Griffith and Charlotte conversing.

But let’s take a step back. At the autumn hunt, Griffith was struck by an arrow in the chest, an attempt to eliminate him and stop his fast ascension to military glory. He already suspected the general, but still investigated the origins of the poison on the arrow and had one of the maids surveying Julius’s movements. Why does he need proof of his suspicions, though, if he is just coldly planning to eliminate one of the people standing between him and the throne of Midland as part of his “evil plan”? He only has Guts to present his evidence, he hasn’t talked to anyone else, but he wants Guts to know that he has good reasons to accuse Julius. Does he think he needs to convince Guts to kill him? Is he looking for justifications for himself? I don’t believe that pure self defense and survival instincts or even cynical machinations are the only motivations, because we also have seen his expression of open hatred for Julius, who is guilty of looking down on him for being born a commoner, born to obedience. Griffith’s actions from now on are becoming more vicious, as he is encountering a new type of battleground, half obscured by shadows. When Griffith calls Guts to his room, he explains the situation clearly to him: “This is… an assassination. It’s fundamentally different from crossing swords with an enemy in battle”. And he underlines this: “It’s for those reasons that I’m asking you to do this. Can I count on you?” Guts dismisses this cautionary tone from Griffith, like he thinks his loyalty or dedication are being questioned: “It ain’t like you. Just cut to the chase, and order me to do it. Like always”. Guts is behaving like a subordinate, requesting Griffith’s orders without discussing the plan or objecting Griffith’s motivations. This behavior, this reliance on Griffith’s judgment only, shared by the members of the band of the Hawk, could be a contributing factor for Griffith to believe that a real friend should be an equal, should be able to object and challenge his point of view, or offer another opinion. I admit I don’t know if I understood well enough what is shown in these scenes, that are rich of so many nuances that I could be also misinterpreting them. But I noticed a similar dynamic previously, at the time of Guts’s very first battle in the band of the Hawk, being in the rear guard. Griffith asking: “Can you do it?” and Guts replaying: “It’s an order, right?”. I can’t assess if these interactions hide a challenge, a confirmation of allegiance, but it doesn’t seem to me to be an equal exchange, as if the balance between Guts and Griffith is off somewhere. If we were to use the same terms used in Aristotle’s Ethics, it seems to me that it’s primarily Guts here responsible for only offering a friendship of utility to Griffith. He isn’t doing it intentionally, he doesn’t seem to know differently as a consequence of his affective habits.

It would come full circle later on, in another crucial moment between Griffith and Guts, with Griffith expressing doubts about using Guts this way once more and much more openly: “Does it seem cruel? I involved you in this filthy scheme… and I didn’t even get my hands dirty. Do you think that I’m cruel?”. And Guts’s words won’t offer him any reassurance, only the reaffirmation of the importance of following the dream till the end. All these moments are orchestrated to be in dissonance, always out of sync. An array of missed opportunities for understanding the other or being able to help in their moments of vulnerability. Two people with complex needs, that they weren’t able to address in any significant way, trying to connect with each other but always missing the right moment.