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teaveetamer · 1 year

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I am curious, I've been watching the discourse going on for a bit without getting involved and at this point I feel like I have to ask.

What is the desired result here? Why are you engaging in the discourse at all? Clearly this is not a discussion, so what do you gain from interacting at all?

(I will send this to several people, just out of curiosity)

Alright anon allow me to explain what's been going on with me on my end.

The year is 2019 (yes, we're doing this). FE3H has just come out. I play it and rather enjoy it actually. I've got a couple of ships that I'm into, some fanfic I want to write, etc.

I go onto Reddit to chat with people about the game. Now I don't really like Edelgard, but I'm chill, I'm open to discussing the game and getting alternate viewpoints. Initially it's more or less fine.

Then some posts start coming up. People start getting really aggressive about this. I'm trying to have a conversation, but it feels like their goal is just to shout me down. I get in arguments, I get in fights, I get misgendered, I get called a bigot, I get frustrated, I get ablest rhetoric spewed at me, and I waste my life.

Stop. Take a look at myself. I'm literally sitting here arguing about Edelgard von fucking Hresvelg for hours of my day. I'm annoyed, I'm irritated, I'm always in a bad mood. Ugh.

Now it's 2020, early times I think. I resolve to stop looking at Reddit so much with regard to this game. It's not worth the hassle and the frustration. I should be, like, out doing things and having fun not wasting my time arguing with a bunch of weirdos on the internet. I want to have fun again, not be angry. I delete the Reddit app from my phone and install a blocker on my web browsers, even.

Start using Tumblr for more than just shippy stuff, and find people who agree with me, who are saying the things I've been saying. I stop feeling crazy for liking the game the way I like it. I make a few posts on my main blog but you know what, I don't really want my main blog embroiled in this shit, though I want to add my voice to the conversation. So I make this side blog.

Make some posts. I get flooded with asks from other people about the game, saying they agree with me and they're thankful that they aren't the only ones who think the way I do. I think within like a month of existing this blog had double the posts of my main blog (which has existed since 2016, so for four years at that point), most of them from asks.

The blog was initially for me to vent and throw in my two cents here and there, but I figure I'll keep it around in regular use because people seem to be benefiting from it.

Early on I tried to establish a rule for myself that 1) I wasn't going to go looking in any main tags (e.g. the Edelgard or Edelgard Positive tags) for stuff to reblog or talk about, and 2) I wasn't going to go into any Edelgard specific spaces looking for stuff to talk about (e.g. r/Edelgard or even Dimitri-critical tags). However, anything maintagged that was looking for a fight (e.g. a Dimitri-critical post in the main Dimitri tag) was fair game.

I'm not perfect, but I did try to stick to that rule. I talked about things that happened on the main FE Sub or FEH sub. I did my best to encourage my anons to not go seeking out stuff to bring back to me from Edelgard spaces. After all, this blog was meant for venting and having my own personal space where I could talk about my views without getting accosted. I thought it would be petty for me to go bring back stuff from other places.

Moving into 2021, I was kind of done with 3H. I was still getting like dozens of asks a day about 3H discourse. I'd answer one and five more would pop up in their place. By now we're like, well beyond 3x or 4x the amount of posts I have on my main blog. I'm getting kind of tired of it. It's a lot of the same points over and over and over. We're in pandemic times, so I can't even walk away from it and do something else IRL for a while before coming back to it. I feel like I'm wasting my life again. I feel like I've said anything and everything I could have possibly said about the subject. I ask people to stop talking to me about Edelgard. Eventually, everyone mostly obliges.

I still chat about it here and there, but I'm chatting about other stuff too. This blog is still about venting just about venting about more than 3H. A lot more petty fandom shit in general.

Now we're in, like, 2022. I don't remember exactly, Pandemic Time makes some of this a bit of a blur. I notice a new kid on the block, doing basically what I'd noticed happening on Reddit. Going into the wrong tags. Picking fights. Posting things in the wrong tags. Picking fights.

I'm over it, I'm done, I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. I block the dude. Most people I know block the dude or ignore him. We figure he's new here, he just hasn't learned the etiquette.

He gets increasingly hostile. I'm not really paying that much attention, just getting info about it from the fringes. Again, we figure eventually he'll just go away if we ignore him.

Then Nilsh gets harassed off the platform.

My mutuals are getting increasingly hostile anons and combative reblogs.

At this point I'm relatively unaffected. I guess because I don't tag anything, so he didn't find it.

And you know what? I'm still like "he'll get bored. He'll leave eventually." We were all like "just ignore him, he'll leave eventually."

People try to explain tags to him. Try to help him curate his experience so he quits arguing with people who don't want to talk to him all the time.

Then Moonlitboar gets harassed off of the platform. They take the URL. He's bragging about having done it. He's spreading this vitriol to other platforms and convincing others to join in on the harassment.

And I'm like. Okay. This dude isn't leaving. This is what he wants. His goal isn't to talk about this game—his goal is to hurt us.

I unblock him and respond. We go back and forth. He stops... for a time.

Here's the thing. I didn't re-block him after that, and I didn't do that for a couple of reasons. First, because at this point I'm still hopeful that he's just unaware of what he's doing, and that he'll acknowledge how messed up it was and apologize. I'm all for second chances. The second, because he's dangerous and I'm worried that if I don't keep tabs on him, he's going to try to hurt me.

It's not long until he's doing the same shit again. He tries harassing BWIIDT, he tries harassing FantasyInvader, he tries harassing Ezra, he tries harassing RandomNameless, he tries harassing Emblemxeno, he tries harassing Gascon, he tries harassing people I've literally never even heard of. I keep calling him out, and he tries harassing me. He calls me hysterical, accuses me of acting like a victim. Tries to make me feel stupid and small by saying I don't have anything worth his attention to respond to.

(By the way dude, my point about that was that you were being misogynistic but treating discourse like it was only worth responding to if it came from a man. See, I noticed that you only liked to attack people you thought were cishet white men like yourself, even if we were saying basically the same things at times. The fact that you continue not "debunking" any of my posts doesn't upset me; it proves my point)

He blocks me. I can't say for certain why, but my bet is that he realized people were actually listening to what I had to say, and having a queer woman question the actions he purported to be for the benefit of queer women wasn't a great look for him.

He's still trying to harass me. He's taking screenshots, he's using my name, he's @ ing me. He's casually lying about me. He's using sexist rhetoric implying that I shouldn't be listened to because I'm just too ~in my feelings~ and he's the true victim of my hysterical victimized martyr complex (geez, you sure a a feminist ally for that one, aren't you?)

You know, I did actual research when one of my anons accused him of being a trump supporter and tried to lie about him? I burned an entire evening on that, because I didn't want to be spreading lies about people. Meanwhile he lets his anons casually and repeatedly misgender me without so much as a passing correction, and he hangs out with people who spread lies and slander accusing others of heinous crimes.

And you know what? If I knew it was going to be like this? I'd still waste that evening and correct that anon. It's not about getting a petty win or convincing people he's a bad person for me. It's about being respected.

So to get back to your question. Why am I doing this? Because I have to. Because I know that if I don't he's going to hurt someone else, just like how he hurt Nilsh and Moonlitboar. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, after all. We ignored him and he didn't leave, so now we have to say something.

What's the desired result? I want to be respected, like I've tried to respect them for almost the entirety of this blog's existence. I want my boundaries acknowledged. I want him to stop hurting people for no other reason than to hurt them, because they don't agree with him.

When will I stop? When he stops.

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growandrecover · 2 months

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hey… this is kinda weird cuz iam not used to writing a stranger and telling them about stuff that feels so personal as an 3d but I need help in some way. So my story: I started restricting a couple years ago, it went downhill pretty fast and I was hospitalised soon. I then spend almost a year recovering in clinics. I got back home, everything went quite well (just some up and downs but nothing serious) until about a month ago… I am starting to feel worse again. Following triggering accounts (it seems like an addiction), foodnoise, guilt… u name it. There is still this spark of hope and this part of me that wants recovery but I feel like I suck at both, the 3d and recovery… thank u for listening

Hi, anon. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there too.

I know the feeling of wanting to engage in ed behavior but also being miserable and wanting to escape it. I know you're not going to want to do this, but from an outsider's perspective, I think you need to tell someone. Based on the fact that you've been hospitalized (sounds like at least once?), I'm assuming you have a therapist or help of some kind? Or at least still have their contact information? If so, I would strongly advise you to reach out to them. If you're still in contact, and see them on a regular basis, they need to be made aware of this asap.

I know, I know. You don't want to give up the ed, the rules, the "body", or whatever it may be. Been there, done that. But as someone who has done this NUMEROUS times, I'm going to tell you what I wish someone would have told me: You might be scared, and that's okay. You want to keep the ed and the body you think/know it'll give you. That's valid. But you also want to be free of it. That's valid too. But as we both know, the ed only ever hurts us. I know it feels good in a roundabout way, and you may feel like you're in control, but you're not.

If you're unable to seek professional help, I'd unfollow those accounts. There really is something sickly satisfying about them, and I think that's part of what draws us in. But if you can just get them out of your feed, that could help with the thoughts. When I feel like I'm on the verge of a relapse, I have this one model I always look to for a trigger, and I go and search for her pictures. But getting her photos out of my phone completely (even on Pinterest, Tumblr, TikTok, Youtube, all of it) always helps get my mind out of that space. Seeing it just makes it worse.

I know that Tumblr is the home of ed content, and Twitter is getting there too. If you have to, delete the app off your phone. Just get rid of the temptation.

If you need accounts to scroll through, try looking through recovery accounts. You may not be able to follow their advice right now, but at least seeing that mindset could be beneficial.

I apologize that this is so short, but I think the most beneficial thing for you would be to get professional help if you can. I'd hate for you to relapse. (I'm not shaming you if you do!! I'm just saying that I know that feeling, and I hate that other people feel it as well)

If you need someone to talk to, I'm always here for you, anon. You can do this <3

#asks

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quintinh43 · 5 months

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Hi love! So I have a question… what helps you and writing your fics. I’ve been wanting to post something’s I’ve wrote, but to me they aren’t really that good, so I’m just wondering what are like your inspirations when writing because yours is so so beautiful

Hi loveee, thank you for the compliment it really warms my heart 🫶🏼🫶🏼

Ok, so the first thing I have to say is, honestly, I write for myself most of the time! For me, writing is stress relief cause I get to escape into my own little world of my creation.

That being said, I started sharing my writing because I felt it would help me improve. I can't even tell you how stressed/embarrassed I was with the first Quinn fic I posted on tumblr, even though I have been writing and posting fan fiction for yearsssss. It's pretty daunting to try something new and sometimes you just gotta close your eyes and jump.

My main thing was, it's ok if I think it's bad, I know I'll get more comfortable eventually.

With all of that in mind, here are some things I do to help me get into the flow of writing or help when I'm stuck on a scene etc. And just help me in general!

1. I need background noise!! This is different for everyone, but for me, I like background noise. If you haven't tried it, I would definitely recommend trying it, again it is different for everyone. I usually listen to instrumentals, or I'm watching Brooklyn 99 in the background. Idk why, but for some reason, Brooklyn 99 really turns my writing brain on! Maybe try a show/movie that is familiar to you!

2. I write on my phone! Everything gets written in my notes app, and when I'm done or close to done, I will copy past everything into an actual doc and then edit it on my laptop. I find that writing on my phone is less stressful. Maybe I'm traumatized from uni, but writing on my laptop just feels like a chore. Plus, if you write on your phone as soon as inspiration hits, you can write! You don't have to wait for an opportunity to get out your laptop and yadda yadda.

3. When I'm frustrated with my writing, I leave it for a little while and then come back later. In between, I'll try to look at writing prompts/scenarios on pinterest/tumblr and just think about how I would write them.

4. Write how you are comfortable! I'm big on metaphors, similes, and like flowery figurative language, so that's usually how I try to write. Another big thing for me is I want to feel when I'm reading, so I try to write in a way that mimics feeling. For example, if you're writing a scene where you wanna portray anxiety I find that in real life. When I'm anxious, my thoughts feel rapid and stunted. So I'll write short, choppy sentences. Or when I'm trying to portray the feeling of love, I'll write longer, softer, sentences, cause to me the feeling of love is something that you want to keep around.

5. Another thing I like to do, is I try not to mention something if it isn't gonna be useful/have a purpose. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I love throwing in those useless spare details cause I think they elevate the story. But when I used to write, I used to be super detailed about everything, and I found that it was a drag to read.

6. I'm not a big planner, I feel like planning limits me. Sometimes, I'll jot down a few bullet points of what I know I want to see, but other than that, I don't really plan. I also don't really write in a liner fashion. Sometimes, I'll start writing in the middle of a scene because that's what I'm most inspired to write, and then I'll go back and connect the beginning and such.

7. Don't delete your writing!! If you've written a scene and you don't like it anymore and think it doesn't fit, or it doesn't flow, font delete it! Copy paste it into an empty note/doc and then you can delete it from your main piece. I find that keeping my "bad writing" helps me grow. Plus sometimes I'll come back and use the scene later, or I'm a different fic! You never know.

8. Don't be afraid to take inspiration from your favorite writers! If you like the way someone writes descriptions, feelings, or something, try to reflect that in your own writing! Doing that really helped me to develop and flourish my own writing style!

All of that said, you know yourself best, and at the end of the day do what works for you. I hope this helped a least a little, and if you ever wanna hop in my messages and talk more I would be so so so honored 🫶🏼

And last but not least, I had to save my best writing tip for the end!

Write on the toilet - idk, but as soon as I'm on the toilet, all the ideas come flooding to my brain, and I literally can't stop writing. Judge me if you will, but hey, it works.

#sophs anons #writeblr #writing advice

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robinruns · 1 year

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What a day. Oof.

(editing Robin here, this got long, sticking it under a cut)

I couldn't get up to get a workout in... or make lunch for myself... or breakfast. I did pack my gym bag with the intention of going to the gym after work because it is both hot (summer) and the air quality is garbage (Canada blowing smoke on us). First hour of work was literally one of the most excruciatingly boring meetings I've had to sit through. We got a massive software update and it will taking used to since so many things are just like second nature to me. There are lots of bugs still that kinda make me question why they weren't sorted out in the literal years this has been in development. It's gonna be even more of a cluster fuck tomorrow I think because we have to do the end of the month work. Oh and the fuckin window washers were there so I think I lost a solid hour and a half right off the top this morning. Ugh.

Not having a lunch meant I had to go to the grocery store for lunch. Going to the grocery store meant going out in the gross haze, and then of course, bad choices were made. Bad choices that involve getting a big bag of chocolates and then eating like 90% of it, so my therapist will be hearing about that on... whatever fuckin day I have therapy again. Next Thursday? I dunno. I had to cancel my appointment this week because I had to take my car to the mechanic. Then karma came around and I got my massage appointment (that was supposed to be this afternoon) canceled on me. Whatever. It's not like it wasn't already rescheduled once.

So with a gut full of chocolate, almonds, and bad choices, I went home instead of the gym. Well not directly home, I stopped off at the library and got the book I placed on hold last week. I dunno how long I have it for though. Whoops. My mom says the shortest time that you can have a book checked out is typically 2 weeks, so I'm gonna try to have it done in two weeks.

With all the commotion this morning I completely forgot about Frank's reverb sale until about 10:30 and of course like everything was gone. Oh well. I did get the We Didn't Start the Fire (1989-2023) (Fall Out Boy's Version) (from the Vault) 7" vinyl though. And the Benadryl Subreddit 7" from LS Dunes as well the other day. And new Taking Back Sunday is coming on Friday. Small glimmers of hope on the horizon.

I just feel mentally and emotionally spent this week and we're only halfway through. Tumblr hasn't been the refuge it sometimes is, so I deleted the app from my phone with the intention of just clearing my head from it for a while. I get notifs of asks and I'm like "Oh great, what method of suicide will the anons be suggesting now? Will they be creative this time, or go with an old standby?" Fun times.

I lowkey (highkey) hate that I'm hungry right now. Like I know mentally that I have had a disgusting and inappropriate amount of food this afternoon, but sadly chocolates are not filling. The self loathing is high. The desire to do something desperate is high. The knowledge that my clothes won't fit well is weighing (ha) down on me like crazy and it just makes me panic and again, makes me want to overcorrect in the other direction. How did I end up on the mailing list for 75 Hard? Probably another time like this. But maybe it's what I need? But do they account for dangerously hazardous weather with their outdoor workout requirement? Like? I get the idea of getting out in the rain or cold, but like wildfire smoke? Eh.

So the last few days have not been fun. Could be worse (NOT A SUGGETSION UNIVERSE), but sure as hell could be better.

#and that's not even the whole spiral my mom went down on Monday because of her dental work and money issues #which is a VERY touchy subject for me #like ma'am let me direct you to my student loan debt that i've (thankfully) paid off #pisses me off #everything does some days #today is one of those days #tw suicide mention #tw disordered eating

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angeldiaries777 · 1 year

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trigger warning mental health, online addiction. personal stuff!!! i don't want to post anymore. part one of two.

i don't want to try so hard anymore. going to be real here for a sec i don't like my life. i don't like who i am. i don't like this app. i don't like this world or any of the people in it. i do need help. i need a lot of help. i don't like this blog anymore. its not fun. its not carefree. its just something i do now subconsciously with zero effort. its not me. its not cool. i don't like it. i'm not enjoying it at all. since i deleted quite literally every other app this is where i go on for everything. and thats just toxic. i am not having fun like i said a thousand times before. i just want my thoughts and things i liked at the time to be docutmented somehwere on some account because i know i will forget. i am very miserable in my life and with myself. i know that i need to stop using this app as much as i do and same with a few others and certain accounts on websites i just have nothing left in me. i've always posted online. ive always interacted online. i've always been obsessed with watching content and consuming media books movies shows music etc etc. and i'm feeling fatigue from it. idk how many more fucking lana del rey gifs i can reblog till i lose my fucking shit for good and end it all. everything that inspired me is dull. the relationships and parasocial relationships i form with celebrities characters and people online is just plain unhealthy. especially when its causing me to ignore the ones i have in real life. i need a break. i need a break from all the media i consume. i need a break from music and from tumblr and from everything else that is slolwly rotting my brain. the attachment i have to these apps is unhealthy. the amount of time i spend on my phone or ipad or literally any other device is actually sickly. i need a break from looking at or even just holding my phone for so many hours a day. i need an actual sleep schedule and i need to not wake up at 4am and have my first thought be to open tumblr or to save pins on pinterest. i got rid of so many physical items and cut off so many people but the actual thing hurting me the most is my addiction to the internet and to media. i need to stop posting. i need to stop interacting i need to stop watching videos and movies and listening to music at the rates that i do. it is unhealthy at best and detrimental to my life and health at worst. its like those interventions they have for people with alcohol or other addictions. ive known this about myself for a long time and it only worsens the more time passes. i have issues!!!!! i have real issues in my real life that will not be solved by venting about it to my 8 followers. i need to stop. i need to sit alone with my thoughts without a podcast or an album playing in the background. i need to see what my life is like and who i am without all of this. without the things i thought i liked. the things i thought were keeping me alive and sane and healthy were actually the most destructive. i need to stop relying so heavily on things that don't exist. all these pictures and people are fake. i"m not a character or a stereotype. im a fucking person. whenever i got a negative comment i used to lay awake thinking about that. its not okay anymore. its affecting my life way too much. i don't want to think of the world and only think of what i see online because i don't love my reality. i don't want to be sad anymore. i don't want to know what that person across the world thinks of that topic or what kim kardashian had for breakfast. i want to actually live my life again for what it is and not what i wished it was. because truth be told i am very blessed in sooo many ways and i take it for granted so often. i am so much more than that sad face emoticon on somebodys phone screen. i don't want to see the same pictures of bella hadid on every fucking app with the same generic text and font over it. i don't want to consume copious amounts of self help content anymore whilst refusing to actually do any of that self help when im clearly not qualified and clearly need professional help.

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kissbeginswithkay · 2 months

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using social media on my computer after my phone got dropped in the river is just making me sad like am I seriously waiting 10 seconds for every TikTok that's either an AI reading off a tumblr post or something worse about the cybertruck? what am I doing with my life.

thank god I go back to college tomorrow, I need something to occupy my time other than scrolling on my app of choice

I am sad that I could end up losing a lot of my photos though :(, I finally started making art again after a while of really bad art block and now I can't even draw on it anymore.

On the flip side, charged up my pink DSi and my fucking ZTE phone with 8 GB on it. DSi is pretty great cause it has more photos of me as a child than my parents do, plus it's got So many photos of the shows I used to watch (almost naked animals, fetch! with ruff ruffman, adventure time, steven universe)

I literally have like, 43 pictures on it. But it's literally a time capsule because all my messages are from 2017-2018. My lock screen and homescreen are stolen photos from when you search up "pink aesthetic" in Google, and my profile photo is stolen art of Frisk because I loved Undertale so much despite never playing it (I was on Undertale Amino when I was 12-14....yes I'm still weird)

I don't even have the heart to delete Episode off my phone despite it not even getting past the loading screen because it can't connect to the server from 6 years ago. It's the only app I have on it.

I'm trying to find my pink 3DS because not only does it have memories but I modded it too, and I think it could be cool to have with me :).

My garage is just full of memories that I thought were lost, we still have a fucking NES where me and my sister played super mario bro's 3 (still love that game by the way), and an Xbox 360 where my dad would play call of duty: ghosts daily.

I'm not gonna call the late 2000's-2010's the golden era cause everyone does that but I do think it's kinda the last time when gaming consoles had much more thoughtful intent on making stuff meaningful and fun for children, whereas nowadays that's what indie game developers are doing. I'm gonna see if I can find my 3DS now, thanks for reading.

#kayposting #old memories

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dndiguess-blog · 2 months

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2024年7月26日 — Progressing

It's been exactly one week since I wrote my last journal post here, and I honestly thought it would have been longer? I've been sick so I guess that might be why the time has felt slower.

Since it's been a week I want to collect my thoughts, progress and current goals in one place again, and this time I'd like to look back on my last journal post to see what goals I've ended up completing/if I've changed my mind on something since then.

Overall I've definitely managed to be more organized compared to other times I've attempted to self-study japanese. My problem has usually been that after learning hiragana and katakana, and some of the most basic sentence structuring (xはyです, etc.) I lose a sense of structure and natural progression and end up overwhelmed when trying to choose a new focus. So far I haven't ended up feeling like that this time. I've also allowed myself to not rush and take my time with every step of the process, which I think have helped.

In my last post I listed my resources I was using at the time, and also the goals I had in mind. The app I've been using the least is HeyJapan. I downloaded it as an alternative to Duolingo, and while I do like it better I've still found other resources to be more useful for me personally. I haven't deleted it from my phone yet, but if I don't feel a need to use it soon I probably won't keep it for much longer.

I've actually mostly been using Genki 1 so far. I haven't progressed much in the book, I'm just starting chapter 3. I've been taking pretty detailed notes and combining the explanations in the book with watching videos of people explaining the same concepts, as well as trying to spot these concepts "in action" while watching other youtube videos or tv-series in japanese. One of my favorite youtube channels to watch for listening excercises currently is Speak Japanese Naturally. She has a series where she vlogs different activities in her life and narrates over them. There are always japanese subtitles in her videos, and I've noticed that she adds english CC as well so they're optional depending on your preference. Her vlogs are a pretty perfect level for me right now. She speaks in a good tempo for my brain to be able to make out words ^^'. I've been watching with the english subtitles off, and just trying to make sense of what I'm hearing by the little vocabulary I know and context alone. Sometimes I end up looking something up, but it's mostly if I: a) understand almost all of a sentence and want to know the last pieces, or b) I'm very curious about a word/kanji/etc. If I get caught up in looking up every word I don't know I end up getting overwhelmed (and it takes too much time) so this works best for me.

Other than that I've used my dictionary app, Shirabe Jisho, a lot. I like to find journal posts here on tumblr, or other short snippets of japanese writing, and go through it bit by bit using the app. There's an option to bookmark words and kanji and sort them into folders, so if I find something interesting or something I find useful I bookmark it.

The app also has a flashcard function built into it. You can make your own flashcard decks using the bookmarking feature, but they have a lot of premade sets as well. I'm currently using their JLPT N5 Kanji deck whenever I have some free time. I'm mostly focusing on recognizing the kanjis meaning until I know it confidentily, then I attempt to memorize at least one reading of it. This isn't going very fast either, but that's perfectly okay with me!

As for current goals; the chapter in Genki 1 that I'm working on currently goes over the basics of verb conjugations, so my short term goal is to finish the chapter and probably do some writing excercises where I try to use those concepts. I also want to try writing more in general. Other than that I'm going to keep working on the kanji in my flashcard deck.

Until next time! さようなら！

#langblr #learning languages #language learning #language blog #nihongo #japanese #journal

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abceltic · 2 months

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Good evening

Hello everyone, I've been trying to use my phone less so i havent been online. I deleted all social media except twitter and Tumblr on my phone. I am going to delete them and only use them on laptop though. When i get my new camera, i may redownload TikTok but only on laptop so i can post footage i'm taking. It'll be an old Sony camera, I'm really excited about it :)) My days feel a lot more fulfilling without using my phone so much, i dont restrict it (yet) as i consequently use it less as a result of deleting my primary apps. Also, this may be strange but I've attempted to listen to less music, not when im inside but, when outside. I feel I often miss many of my surroundings and the environmental noise as Im listening to music through Spotify, It's uncomfortable , i guess, to be with my thoughts and to be somewhat bored at certain points but, itll also be good to sit with my own boredom. There's nothing wrong with boredom and i dont understand why im so "against" it ... Lol That's another Topic, I want to be more present, to be able to sit in my boredom. It's okay to do nothing but, the feeling of boredom is so... Urgh. A restlessness, you carry a certain excitement, a need, a want, to do something yet there's nothing available. Actually, no, there is always something available, even if you think there's nothing. I sat in boredom today and after ten minutes, around ten minutes at least, my brain felt like it was actually conjuring up something and finally making do with its surroundings and available items or areas. It felt great. So, now i know that I am capable of that and i can in fact do something Lol. It seems simple but, Oh my god, It was harder than expected, i really did have to try. And, I started Journaling again. I didnt realise how much i have to say. it's been what... 2 days? 2 days of actually using it. It's in the image down below and I've been cutting out photos of images i've taken, writing down thoughts, writing down quotes, "Philosophical" queries, opinions, arguments, drawing, using stickers and making art. I'm really happy for the art as drawing has always been something I've really enjoyed and I've always done it but with this, theres no pressure and i can make collages, draw to my heart's extent. So, it's already getting bigger and all i can feel when i look at it is joy :) . Here's the journal from the side:

Good bye!

#blog #daily blog #blog post #no social media #journaling #notebook #commonplace book #knowledgejournal #my photos #work in progress #art progress #mutuals #mutuals?

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jennydreadfulofficial · 1 year

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The De-Cluttering

I think if there’s one thing that my life needs more than anything, it's a good ol’ de-cluttering. And not just my apartment, although yes that, too… I’m always doing my best with it, but things just have a way of piling up so fast.

The same goes for every other aspect of my life, including my online life. I first appeared online in 1995, but it was when I first got on social media 14 years later, in 2009, that my current situation really began to develop.

Now it’s another 14 years later and it’s become clear that it’s time to re-think things once, again.

Dave started me thinking about this by deleting his own Facebook and Twitter, but I couldn’t quite bring myself to delete my actual accounts. I’ve posted so much over the years, so if anything, they could be great sources of content for future projects, both personal and business. Not to mention that I have built up a certain following on these different platforms, and I wouldn’t want to lose those avenues of promotion.

What I have done, though, is deleted certain apps from my phone. It was something that only took a couple of seconds to actually do, but it’s a huge step for me, nonetheless.

I’m not deleting any content and/or profiles, at least not right now, but I am taking a step back. I have deleted the Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, and TikTok apps from my phone.

I have an addiction to checking those apps over and over and over again. I know they’re designed to make you want to do that, but it works a little too well on me. So, I’m going to restrict myself to using those websites on an actual computer, only. You know, like the old days! :-p

That’s it. I think that’s a big enough step for now. I just want to try and focus more on the stuff that really matters… the stuff I’m creating (or at least want to create). These apps also prey on one thing that has dominated a lot of my life: loneliness.

I'm an oversharer because I've just found it to be an effective way to connect with others, even if it works to my detriment, at times. What can I say, my free-spirited, yet seeking nature has led me down many paths. :-p

All in all, I just feel that I will be better off, the more I can clean things in my life up. Frankly, I can use all the help I can get. :-p

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arjunasearth · 2 years

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Instagram-Fasting: Day 2 - Reflections and Observations

It all started when I was talking to a girl last week and she told me that she deleted IG as it distracts her from studying. I felt instantly triggered-but in a good way-as I felt reminded by the universe to do the same. I already deleted it for certain time periods in the past and it helped me a lot to decrease distraction . So I felt motivated to do the same and see what happens. Super sponteneously decision, but feels good anyway. So here are a few things I notice during my time out. I will add and adjust the list for my own observation.

The automatic impulse to open Instagram but instantly closing it again; observing my own automatic behaviour and reprogramming it.

Much less anxiety and looping thoughts

Thinking about certain Insta-Profiles in particular that inspire me and contain useful information that TRULY helps me to learn more

No Insta-App on my Phone -> Less Distraction--> More concentration for various tasks throughout the day

Stronger will to write and reflect more on Tumblr

Practicing Gratitude in the morning instead of instantly checking my phone, improving my sleep quality , waking up calmly and less stressed, more structured

No constant overstimulation through the application itself

Less 'pseudo-perfomative' behavior: The (programmed) urge to share everything is decreasing; more conscious reflection , more being in the moment and more awareness in general

More enjoyment of the Now

More privacy

Less energy drain

Less time on Social Media and more time for creative tasks, trying out new things and using digital media differently; extending my creative skills, experimenting with music and digital art

This is not the first time that I am doing an Instagram-Detox, but the first time that I will protocol it now and then for my own reflection improvement. I sorted out my followers a few months ago or so, therefore I follow profiles in IG that inspire me / people I know. I also made the account private a long time ago. It was a really good decision tbh, but there is still the risk of 'overconsuming' certain people though. Ive noticed that I follow people on IG who I personally know or had a friendship with, but have no contact anymore except for the Instagram-Contact. That often leads me to 'consuming' these people and checking their profiles out. This may trigger various emotions, with certain people in particular. As this is a very psychological process, I want to use this Detoxtime efficiently and find out why. Am I still interested in these people and want to see what's going on in their lives, altough we havent really talked (in person) for years? Am I missing some people? Or are they presenting me parts of their lives that I miss in mine? What do they reflect?

Will anyone of the 'local' (I follow many people that live in the same hood as I do, and they follow me on IG as well)people (or any other people that follow me) 'miss' me or will feel the urge to talk to me? Or will I miss certain people and feel the urge to talk to them personally and meet them ?

So many questions but I will let the answers flow naturally, without forcement. I think they will crystallize as I'm gonna reflect and write much more about this process. All I know is that I'm pretty done with 'consuming' people digitally that are not even interested in a single, real conversation with me. I've been asking myself why I follow certain people that I don't interact with anymore at all and what it does give me. On the one hand, I am curious about what is going on in their lives and what they do. On the other hand, I feel like something is missing in my life: celebration, freedom, travelling and social contacts. This realization leads me to the insight that they mirror me things I miss in my life instead of things that I appreciate and have. This can be a good reminder to myself but also signals the comparative behaviour I still have about these issues. A reminder to focus more on HOW to transform these deficits in my life and with which methods instead of feeling anxious and loop-thinking about what is missing in my life. The subliminal comparative behaviour that is (especially between women!) generated on Platforms like IG may indeed have a much deeper impact on my mental health that I would have thought before.

#realtalk #detox #timeout #highereducation #concentration #mentalhealth

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wanderingandfound · 2 years

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Suicide cw (I'm fine I just can't sleep, cw is about somebody else).

Meant to go to bed at 10 and let this be a day I did pretty much nothing but feel sick.

Was on track to go to bed at midnight and opened up the package from the new-ish mail pharmacy to see a fucking ad about portion control. Went to unsubscribe from ads and the site glitches. I'm mad now. Take my meds at 12:11.

I'm mad so I try to distract myself by playing Two Dots and listening to the newest episode of F@tT. Admit that this is not helping me sleep.

Try reading some one shot fic in a fandom I don't really care about. Finish that one and try to find another but I'm not really feeling it. (The search features a canonically suicidal character and the attempts come up in the fic. I don't think this is going to affect me.)

It's 1 AM.

Get some half-remembeted lyrics stuck in my head. Look them up, get the band. Put that band and another and "sleep" into 8tracks. Scroll through and choose one that isn't labeled "SAD SAD SAD" or depressed or heartbreak. The first song so happens to be the one in my head, what a neat coincidence/stroke of fate. The next song starts playing. I shut it off. I'm thinking of someone I was *briefly* Twitter mutuals with and later found out they ended their life. I'm thinking of them. Before we were mutuals they had purged their AO3 of everything they had written and all the comments they had left and deleted their Twitter account. They created a new Twitter account and I followed them there and they followed me back and we talked about our fandom a couple of times. I didn't realize they had deactivated until much later. They may have come back and deactivated again I don't remember. Found out many months later from another Twitter mutual that they had taken their life. I barely barely knew them but it still makes me so sad. (I don't know if they ever had a tumblr. When you search their name here one secret santa gift comes up. If you go to that person's blog you see other secret santa works from that year in that fandom. One of these is an 8tracks mix. Probably because I refuse to update the app and get ads, my 8tracks app forgets my recent history. And has my last played mix as that one from the secret santa event.)

Write this all up on tumblr. Now it's 1:30 AM. So fucking late.

I need to put my phone down and sleep but I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I found out the Twitter mutual died quite some time ago, but I'm still so sad. And long before they took their life they purged the art the created and the conversations they had from the intenet.

I've never been good with the ephemeral.

Ff.net is dying. Twitter has been sabotaged. People are deleting their art from DeviantArt due to AI. An algorithm came through Tumblr and purged it of so much stuff deemed adult. Tumblr loses millions of dollars every year.

#personal #learning to function

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elocinnicole · 3 years

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Fool For You: A Love Story in Four Acts

Pairing: Daveed Diggs x Black!Reader

Rating: M for sexual situations and language 18+ Minors DNI

Word Count: 3K

Summary: Reader and Daveed are yet again forced to be in the same space as the magazine releases Daveed’s cover at a party.

AN: Okay, so this was supposed to be three parts but as I was writing this third part, it was too long to post on Tumblr. So it's now four parts which I'm finished up right now. Part Four will be posted tomorrow.

Part Two Part Three Part Four Series Masterlist

The lyrics of Ari Lennox filled your apartment as you finally placed the last moving box into the recycling bin you could officially call it your home. It’s been about two months since you did the photoshoot with Daveed, and it was finally going back to the way it was before he was thrown into your new life. A notification ping from your phone drowned out the song you were listening to. Picking up your phone you smiled widely, Tai made you sign up for the dating app, BLK, a month after you moved here, it has been a while since you were in a relationship, so you figured why not. Well, shortly after creating your profile you matched with a guy named, Eric. You were a little hesitant to message him when you initially received the match, you’ve heard of online dating horror stories, and being a fan of True Crime made you a little bit paranoid about meeting up with strangers. If it wasn’t for Tai messaging him back for you, you probably would’ve just ended up deleting the app. Honestly, you’re glad that she did, meeting Eric was probably one of the most exciting things that have happened since you’ve moved to LA. You sent off a quick good morning text, not expecting an answer anytime soon. Eric told you during one of your first conversations that he’s a chef, so you knew that his days are extremely busy.

Flinging your phone onto your bed you went about your day organizing your closet. Three glasses of Cabernet and four wig try ons later, you hear the anticipated tone from your phone. You quickly walked back to your phone and smiled widely seeing Eric’s name and picture light up your screen.

“Hey, you.”

“Hey, I just wanted to call you real quick. You know, hear your voice before I go back.”

“You on break?”

“Yeah, just finished the rush.”

“You know, even after a month I have yet to try your cooking.”

“Well, we can fix that, how about you come down after we close. I can cook you.”

“Are you allowed to do that? Have people in there after hours?”

“Girl, it’s my restaurant. I run shit up in here.” You playfully rolled your eyes

“Don’t be rolling your eyes at me.”

“I was not rolling my eyes,”

“Whatever, you know I know you.”The conversation always flowed so easily with Eric he always knew what to say.

“So, what time should I be over there?”

“We close early tonight, so meet me here around 8:30?”

“Sounds good, I’ll see you then.”

“See you later.”

Daveed huffed as he finished his last rep, this seemed to be the only thing he’s done since seeing you. He couldn’t get you off his mind and it was driving him crazy. He couldn’t even go to the store without thinking about you. Several knocks at the door pulled Daveed out his thoughts, he was thinking about you all the time, no number of cold showers could get you off his mind. He felt like he was a teenager again, not being able to control himself.

“Yo Diggs?” Daveed sat up to see Rafa outside the gym doors, he waved him over and he came in with a black laptop bag in tow.

“You know you got like three girls in your apartment,” Daveed groaned loudly into his hands

“Damn, I forgot about them. They still there?”

“Uh, by there do you mean cooking you breakfast as we speak, then yeah. Fuck you get into last night?”

“Man, you just saw what I did last night a few minutes ago.”

“Anyway, I was coming by to talk about the show, but I can come back later?”

“Nah, nah. Let’s go I’m hungry anyway, did you eat bruh?”

Daveed and Rafa walked into his penthouse and was met with three women sitting in the kitchen already eating breakfast. Their heads perked at the front door opening.

“Hi Daveed,” they all said in unison, Daveed smirked while Rafa shock his head in annoyance, making himself at home he headed straight for the fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen.

“Hello ladies, this is my good friend, Rafa, Rafa, these lovely ladies are…” Daveed trailed off, fuck he forgot their names

“Ayanna,”

“Bailey,”

“Tiara,”

“Right, right, Ayanna, Bailey, and Tiana—”

“It’s Tiara,” she emphasized

“Tiana, right.”

“Is your friend single, Daveed? Maybe we can all have some fun later,” Ayanna said eyeing Rafa suggestively who went wide-eyed looking at the three women over his coffee mug

“Oh I’m so not interested, but please continue.” Ayanna frowned

“Ladies, I appreciate the breakfast, but y’all gotta get the fuck up outta here,”

“Excuse me?” Bailey questioned

“So, you just gonna kick us out like we’re some groupies?” All three women glared at Rafa when he snickered loudly

“I’m sorry, it’s just the irony of this situation is something that I am personally living for right now, please, continue, I’m not even here.”

“Look, it was fun but y’all gotta roll out.”

“Now?”

“I think that’s what he means.”

“Rafa!”

“Whatever, let’s go we don’t have time for a nigga that buys Costco brand toilet paper.” Ayanna spat

“Excuse me?” Daveed exclaimed, offended

“I mean it really is a better buy, though,” Rafa commented

“I told y’all we should’ve left with Tristian Thompson,” Bailey said glaring at Daveed

“Broke ass Corbin Blu,” Tiara said eyeing Daveed up and down

“The fuck? Get the fuck out,” Daveed said

“Gladly,” The three women gathered their things and made their way out

“Bye ladies!” Rafa called out, Daveed closed the door and glared at his friend

“What? I’m not the one that fucked three random women. The fuck is up with you bro?” Daveed walked over to the island in the kitchen and pulled himself up so he was sitting on it.

“I ran into Y/N,” He said pouring himself a cup of coffee.

“What? When, how, where?” Daveed sighed heavily

“She was directing the photoshoot for that magazine cover.”

“Shit,” there was a brief pause before Rafa spoke again, “did you talk to her?”

“Uh, not really. I tried to but then she literally said ‘fuck you,’ and left.” Rafa shrugged thanking another sip of his coffee.

“I don’t blame her, you know this is some really good coffee, they brewed this themselves?” Rafa added absentmindedly

“Bruh, can you focus?”

“Man, I told you, you were dumb as fuck for pulling that shit in New York. You treated her like a fucking Netflix show, you fucking canceled that after one season. Shit, less than that, y’all motherfuckers ain’t even make it to the midseason break.”

“Y/N couldn’t be with me; she had her job in New York. I fly all over the place, it wouldn’t have worked.”

“She was in charge of your photoshoot, so she would’ve made her way over here, eventually. So, you decided to be a jackass and just ghost her. It’s like y’all had one long-ass one-night stand. Bro, you didn’t even ask her, you just left. If I was her, a ‘fuck you' would’ve been the nicest thing I said to you.” Daveed sighed, finally taking a sip of his cup

“This is like the best coffee,”

“Ain’t it! I don’t know Diggs you might have to fuck those girls again,” Rafa teased

“Shut the fuck up bro,”

You walked into the dimly lit restaurant, Lauryn Hill’s “Nothing even matters” playing softly over the speakers. There on the floor laid a trail of rose petals. You followed the trail and it led you to a table where Eric was sitting there waiting for you.

“Hi,” you greeted

“Hi…you look amazing.”

“Thank you,” Eric pulled out your chair and allowed you to sit before pushing your chair in.

“So, for dinner, I made us some herb-crusted lamb, roasted veggies, and sweet potato purée and for wine, we’re drinking Merlot.” Your mouth watered as Eric listed off what he made for you to eat, one of the perks of dating a chef. When Eric left to grab the food, you took in the decorations Eric put up throughout the restaurant. Despite this being very romantic and you loved how Eric paid so much attention to detail, you couldn’t help but feel that all of this is a bit cliché. It could be the roses it all felt a little overdone. What were you thinking, here is a man that cooked a three-course meal for you and he wasn’t expecting to have sex, well at least you hoped that wasn’t the only thing on his mind.

When Eric came back, you smiled shoving all of those thoughts into the back of your head.

“What’s that?” You asked as he placed the plate in front of you

“Black pasta with lemon, garlic, and prawns.” You moaned aloud taking your first bite, Eric smirked at you as you responded to the food.

“I see that you’re enjoying it.”

“It’s delicious, the lemon and garlic pair nicely with the prawns, I love it.” Impressed, Eric raised an eyebrow

“Since when did you know so much about food?”

“Well, I like to cook from time to time.”

“That’s adorable,” Eric smiled, yours on the other hand faltered slightly.

“Adorable?”

“Yeah, I mean people always tell me they love to cook when they find out I’m a chef or they talk about my food like they’re a judge on Chopped, it’s cute.” You smiled softly before going back to your food.

“So, I was this event coming up this weekend,”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah, it’s for work and I was wondering if you wanted to come with me, you know be my date.”

“Of course, so what kind of event is it?”

“Um, it’s a magazine release party, there’s gonna be a lot of people there and you can finally meet my friend, Tai. If you don’t want to you don’t have to—”

“Y/N,” You stopped your rambling and looked at Eric, a sheepish grin on your face.

“I would love to go with you, what time should I pick you up?”

Friday came quicker than you wanted it to, you were walking back to your job from your lunch break. When you walked into your office and froze. All at once, your legs couldn’t work.

“Y/N,” There he was in all his glory, Daveed was standing two feet away from you. Tai probably told him where your office was.

“How the hell did you get here?” You demanded, closing your door as soon as you turned around Daveed had pushed your body against it.

“Daveed,” You breathed

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you ever since the photoshoot.” Daveed dragged his hands all over your body, you knew this was wrong, but you’d be lying to yourself if you said you didn’t miss this. You bit back a moan when he massaged your breasts through your shirt

“Daveed, what are you doing?”

“I’ve missed you, Y/N. I know you’ve missed me too.” Daveed said, his body was so close to yours you could smell that cologne that you absolutely loved. You know he did that shit on purpose, jackass. Then his tongue was in your mouth, you couldn’t even catch a glimpse of his face, he was so urgent and instantaneous. You wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him closer to you if that was possible. When he placed his hands underneath your thighs you took that as a signal to wrap your legs around him. Groaning, he ground his hips against yours, you pulled away to moan aloud at the friction. Daveed took this opportunity to nibble and bite along your neck. Knowing that you loved that you offered more of your neck to him,

“Y/N, Y/N, Y/N!” You jumped and suddenly you were back in your office, but Daveed wasn’t there, you were sitting at your desk, a blank Word document open on your computer screen. Tai stood outside your office a look of confusion evident on her face.

“You okay?”

“Uh, yeah, yeah, I um zoned out for a moment. What’s up?”

“I was going to ask if you were ready?”

“Ready for?”

“To leave, Shanita said we can go early to get ready for the party,” You shook your head in realization

“Shit, I forgot. Yeah, I’ll meet you downstairs.” Tai nodded before walking away. You have no idea where all of that came from, you hadn’t thought about Daveed since the photoshoot why were you fantasizing about him now? Especially since you’ve met Eric, you brushed it off and began packing up not wanting to keep Tai waiting any longer.

After you and Tai got your hair and nails done the two of you went back to your apartment. Tai was going to do your makeup and then ride with you and Eric to the magazine release party.

“So, I finally get to meet this Eric,” Tai said you playfully rolled your eyes while taking a sip of whatever cocktail concoction that Tai made for you.

“Yes, and I think you’ll like him, Tai, he’s a good guy.”

“Well, that’s all rainbows and butterflies, but what’s the sex like?” The expression on your face was all the answer Tai needed

“Bitch, y’all ain’t have sex yet?”

“No, we’ve been taking it slow.”

“We’re in our thirties who the fuck is taking it slow?”

“Me, bitch, I mean. There’s definitely been opportunities, but we just, I don't know, haven’t.” You shrugged

“Hopefully, you get the back broke tonight. Your pussy got cobwebs on it.” You playfully rolled your eyes

“Shut up, Tai.” Your phone started to ring, this is probably the one time you were excited to get a phone call on a Friday.

“Hey, you.”

“Hey, Y/N.” Taken aback by the tone of his voice you raised an eyebrow.

“Is everything okay?”

“Um, I’m not gonna be able to the thing tonight.” Your entire disposition changed in an instant. One, you were excited for him to come see the first photoshoot you directed, two, what the fuck was a thing?

“Oh, what’s going on? Is everything okay?”

“I’m really backed up at the restaurant and I just can’t get away. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay.” You replied dryly

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I understand.”

“Y/N, it’s not fine, I can tell by your tone. Come on, talk to me.”

“It’s fine, Eric. Really, don’t feel bad.”

“Y/N—that’s the kitchen I gotta go, talk to you later?”

“Yeah, bye.” You sighed heavily hanging up the phone. You turned your head to Tai, and she already had a shot glass waiting for you.

“It’s shot o’clock, we not about to cry over a man we ain’t even fuck yet.”

You and Tai arrive at the party and there was a large crowd of paparazzi already there. It was no surprise to you, Daveed had become a high-profile celebrity since the two of you were together. Your boss, Shanita approached the two of you with a small but serious smile on her face.

“Great, you’re here!”

“Isn’t this a bit much? Do we really need the red carpet?”

“It’s Daveed Diggs you know how many celebrities are here right now? We got Tracee Ellis Ross, Naomi Campbell, and Chris Evans in the same damn room. So, yes, a red carpet is necessary. Anyway, I came over here to tell you that you and Tai are sitting at the same table with Daveed and his guests.”

Guests? That means more than one, who did he invite? What if he invited his parents, you’ve been around his mom plenty of times but his Dad you met once over FaceTime. What if he invited the entire cast? You haven’t seen them since Daveed left and you planned on keeping it that way.

“Y/N, you okay sis?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Okay, let’s sit at our table.”

“You go ahead, I have to go the bathroom I’ll check up with you later.”

You let out slow even breaths, your hands gripping onto the bowl of the sink. You stared yourself down in the mirror, forcing yourself to calm down. What the hell were you freaking out about, this is your night as much as Daveed’s you directed your first photoshoot with the most sought-after actor right now. After collecting yourself, you started to leave the bathroom and the door swings open. Damn.

“Y/N!”

“Jasmine!” You were slightly caught off guard when she engulfed you into a hug

“First all of, you look amazing!” Jasmine complimented

“Thank you, I’m guessing you’re here with Daveed?”

“Yeah, the whole crew is here, what are you doing here? Did you design the event?”

“No, I directed his photoshoot.”

“For real? Daveed me the showed me some the other day, girl those pictures look great!!”

“Thanks, sis-Jasmine, I really appreciate it.” You tried to walk past her but she called your name.

“You know, we really miss you, back in New York. We all do.” Jasmine said sincerely you simply nodded your head

“I miss you guys too, see you out there.” With that you walked out of the bathroom, keeping your head down, silently praying you weren’t going to run into anyone else.

You let out a breath when you saw that Tai was the only one sitting at the table. Taking your seat, you sipped from your wine. Not even twenty seconds later, Daveed and Rafa walk over to the table, surprised at seeing Rafael you quickly gulped the wine down and not without earning a questioningly look from Tai.

“You good?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Hey Daveed,” Tai greeted

“Hey,” He then looked at you and sent you a quick nod and you sent one back.

“Hey, Y/N, how have you been?” Rafa asked, excited to see you

“I’ve been good.” You fiddled with the place card in front of you, feeling the look Tai was giving you. The first part of the dinner was probably the most awkward dinner you’ve ever experienced. It seemed like you were the only table that wasn’t casually talking to each other. Just before dessert, Shanita called you and Daveed to the stage to unveil the magazine cover. You hated speaking publicly, which is why you’ve preferred to work behind the scenes. Hopefully, this night will end quickly and you can wipe your hands clean of Daveed Diggs.

Tagging: @nikole-witha-k @pinkbonnetandglasses @inuyashalxver @chrisevanswife0405 @cocobutterbaby

If you want to be tagged click here

#Daveed Diggs #Black!Reader #Daveed Diggs x Black!Reader #Fool For You #Jasmine Cephas Jones #Rafael Casal #elocinnicole #Hamilton RPF #Daveed Diggs Imagine

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missazura · 3 years

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Hey, a thing that really helped me with staying offline; either logging out of social apps (I usually log off tumblr when I want to read fanfics/actually watch a movie without constantly opening tumblr to scroll. I still click on the icon and then go "ah right. I don't really want to be on tumblr atm.") or putting on music while in browser.

If you have data or wifi to spare, finding a game that has a reward system for leaving your phone alone is also great! I used one where you had little trees and bushes that could grow! Depending on the type of tree you picked, it could take 5minutes or more for it to grow, and it helped me immensly when I was studying and didn't need to use the internet!

Once the phone is taken care of, I can usually find things to do. Reading or just listening to music. I started writing and doodling while listening to soft music. I managed to watch movies! For my enjoyment! Not because I wanted to talk to folks about them, but just because!

As a perfectionist, I can telk you that fingerpainting random stuff is great. There is no need to know what you'll end up making, there's no need to actually keep it afterwards. You can go wild with your hands on that paper and then tear it to pieces! 8D

Essentially, I hope you find something that suits you.

thank you anon. those does sound lovely. I think I tried that tree app before but it didn't last long bc I uninstalled soon after. some days, when I get unbearable RSD? I'd delete my social media apps off my phone. it doesn't take me a long time to reinstall them about an hour later and check if I have unread messages, only to be disappointed when I don't and now the apps back and I don't bother to delete it again.

it comes from my big fear of missing out. hell I'm even awake because of that thing and that's why I'm here in the first place. I really do miss the times when I get a day off from social media stuff, mostly bc I'm avoiding my friends via self isolation (which isn't a good reason) but those days are so peaceful. I'd try to find things to fill up my time and I even painted a piece recently as well. I struggle so much bc I have this constant fear that if I leave, everyone will forget about me. if I'm absent, people will celebrate it, and they don't remember that I exist. at least that's how my fears play out in my head all of the time. it's something to talk about with my therapist I'm sure.

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youre-on-your-ownkid · 3 years

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I owe you an explanation so hi. also I'm not copy pasting this so @i-dont-like-a-gold-rush hi to you too

basically, ever since the word about my offline school reopening started, I started to have anxiety attacks at the most random of thoughts. I thought I was over the whole new school thingy but apparently not... it's easier to talk to people over text and calls. just when I was starting to get used to these people, a huge change occurs again and suddenly I have to meet them and act like I'm one of them.

but I still calmed myself down by saying that mom and dad would never allow me to go, cause there were transportation (buses haven't started) and covid issues. that is, until that day I was talking to you, and our teacher suddenly told us that we have to come to real school to give our exams. it's compulsary. those giving it online will be evaluated, but not given marks because apparently, the minute offline school starts, they think we're gonna start cheating.

anyway I blanked for a second, the next thing I knew I was deleting all the apps on my phone. I've always been the kind of person to prioritize grades over everything idek why I do it but yeah. so the fact that I might not get marks for the work I do just shocked me. also it started to sink in, that not only do I have to now go compulsorily to school, but the first thing I'll do when I get there is give an exam. and I'm reallyyyy not good under pressure. then all my incomplete work started floating in my mind and I just flipped completely. I don't know why it mattered so much to me, but I think the marks thing was the last screw for moi.

I left the meeting, feeling like I was about to throw up (which I didn't, cause I hadn't eaten breakfast that day) and just paced around the room trying to breathe but I couldn't. it was a full on panic attack, and I forgot all the tips I had read about them earlier when I used to have them regularly. my brother wasn't home that day either, though I doubt he would have been of help. so when I finally started to breath after 30 minutes or so, I was in too much of a shock to register what I had done.

immediately after, I got called into a class representatives meeting about somebody acting out, and for some reason I was the only one who could talk to him so I didn't really have time to recover. the others kept talking about school and my head kept spinning and spinning and spinning. I think the only way I calmed down was by listening to music afterwards? and that's when I installed discord and tumblr again.

so yeah. there you have it.

Oh god omg, I'm not disclosing your name or stuff cause ik you wanted to stay anon. Ok so yeah I totally get why you freaked out, I've always prioritized grades too. I mean you toh got the news of offline classes and uninstalled... Maine toh online exams ke pehle hi uninstall kar diya Tumblr and discord from my phone lmao.

Also I get the changing schools and settling down stuff. I've literally changed 3 schools in my life... So yeah it does take time to fit in but I'm sure you're gonna be ok. Just, look I know you're a very good student, I don't need to see your report card for that, so I'm sure you don't have to worry about work load when offline school reopens. But j get the part about pretending to be alright... Cause yeah school toh jate hai padhne ke liye but we do need friends... And it's kinda hard for you considering you've never interacted with them in what, 2 years? But yeah, just, don't worry. Everything will work out perfectly fine... I mean, all of them will like you, I'm sureee. I mean, you must've seemed tolerable enough to make you my friend so eh. But yeah, don't worry, it's gonna work out. -;-

Also like, WHAT IS IT WITH THE FUCKING GOVERNMENT NOT VAXXING US YET FORCING US TO SCHOOL PHYSICALLY SMH, FUCK THEM.

Also, final note before I probably log off from the tab: @i-dont-like-a-gold-rush here ya go

#asks

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