#i think she's just got multiple aspects and this is the one which manifested during this particular mantling

[unironicallytes]

Dear Brother's mythos is actually much more in-depth with regards to this and requires an entire lore post with illustrations of like 3 different manifestations and an explanation of the Mantling of a Mephala Champion who left behind the husk of her mortal corpse amidst apotheosis

but I think this is a hilarious image that sums up the AU's stance on the lore fairly simply

(mandatory disclaimer that i love lore discussions and never attribute my fanon interpretations as "truth". im annoying and i love it when 20 contradicting things exist in fiction and all have a bit of the whole. besides i only recently came around to the Mephala/Mother thing when I remembered mantling was a thing lmfao djkhsdkfh shout out to Sheogorath 2)

[luciacaminoz]

what was Soledad like before she met Julian? :3c has she changed a lot since her Embrace? if she could give advice to her past self, what would Sol say?

hi wiz <3 thank you so much for asking about sol and im sorry this one took me a while! some of this is CRINGE but im free

Sol was a pretty normal kid growing up in most ways, easy-going and lively and maybe a little too mischievous for her own good – not to be purposefully troublesome, just innately craving excitement and too many experiences at once (as much as she tries to dampen that down later). She has an older brother, Tiago (@/kentuckycaverats asked me more about him but I want to read over a couple things before I publish the ask aghh) that she idolized — they were kids born to Filipino-Mexican immigrants and had moved around several places between Soledad, California and Sierra Vista, Arizona while growing up, and were essentially each other’s entertainment during the multiple interims of not having other close friends. Sol was definitely a little tomboy, probably average-to-low grades in school and eventually would drop out to apprentice under her dad and brother at her dad’s mechanical workshop once they settle permanently in Sierra Vista. This is how she’d end up getting her scar – freak accident with equipment.

The main issues in Sol’s life during her teens and twenties were lack of purpose and direction, which manifested as an excessive restlessness. After her Embrace, it mutated into a sort of mania – like all negative aspects of her new condition simply wouldn’t sink in. A bit of daredevil edge developing here – often would give that impression of someone at a party who is yeah, great company, but also making you nervous about how far they’re taking some things. Julian was a very young sire and he also has a manic energy to him – I think they got carried away more than a few times despite a lot of the lessons he tried to instil. That sounds a bit dark and at times it was, but for ten years it was akin to a bizarre undead honeymoon period. Lots of disconnect – again not fully registering that she was clinically dead and that Julian had killed her. On that note btw, Sol asked for the Kiss. I’m not victim blaming LOL – I know she wouldn’t have realized fully what she was getting into (in fact she was flirting and mostly thought Julian was funny and a little crazy when he slipped up on the vampire thing and rolled with it) — just a part of the backstory fanfic. She was also the one to first initiate intimacy and the blood bond (yet again without taking it seriously, but Julian had only been kindred 5 years longer and I honestly don’t think even he at that time would’ve understood the full extent of the situation they’d find themselves in because of her rampant carelessness either, in his defense lol).

During this period… nothing Sol loved more than cutting Julian’s idealistic prattling short with a suggestive touch and watching his thoughts go off road like the geotracker for a split second. Kisses to slow down or silence; if he’s still trying to put together a sentence afterward, she’d redouble efforts until, for once, he’s the one looking to her wondering what happens next. Intimacy is where dynamics get switched between them, but I don’t think he minds. Julian’s not as physical as Sol is (tbh she is very needy for a kindred but I think even with the sexual desire present, it’s still more of an emotional/comfort thing for her she won’t let go of – she can be intense in that regard) but he is more than happy to go along with anything that’s got her showering him with attention. All fodder for his novels in the meantime :p

In the later 2000s, when he becomes a lot more serious about Changing The World, and after Sol’s diablerie of Aila (which is where things get distant, cold, and honestly kind of spiteful between them for a few months of early 2010), Julian makes use of his crazy ass willpower stat to cut contact and leave — for his vision, for the fact that it had already begun what with an Elder’s essence now present in Sol, and to sever their bond. Man needs full use of his obsessive tendencies to build a tech empire yknow – not having Sol constantly in the back of his mind and her clinging to him. Likewise she has the opportunity to come into her own without that same weight and influence – how he thinks of it at least. He does keep tabs on her during those ten years, making sure she’s alright and staying afloat, sometimes sending work her brother’s way in Sierra Vista too, etc.

Sol is not doing well here and it’s where she changes the most. The separation also initially has Julian a little emotionally ragged due to the nature of the bond, but past the artificial I do think he actually cares deeply about Sol in his own weird way. He believes he’s doing what is the best (frankly only option in his mind) for the sake of the future of the Masquerade with Project 2100; maybe having her be at the center of his work is part of it.

Anyway – out of trauma, Sol develops the bulimia derangement after diablerizing Aila, which strains everythingggg twice over. Despite not getting along at this time, Julian leaving without warning still grossly exacerbates how often it would trigger due to a kaleidoscopic meltdown of too many messy feelings on top of the strain of their bond breaking down over the course of the first year. Really just fucks her up good and hard struggling to get it all under control while figuring out what the fuck she’s going to do with herself. Lots of accidental hunger frenzies, lots of suicidal ideation — there’s this snippet from last year where she’s immediately like boohoo I’m gonna walk into a sunrise (also my fav Julian meme). I imagine she lost humanity during this period until finally getting her shit together as a courier and learning to shut off and distance herself from the intensity of her feelings (while still not giving into the callousness and mindlessness of the Beast).

She doesn’t engage in her predator type as a precaution and instead drinks from bags, which leaves her feeling perpetually unsatisfied and wanting (Sol™), but she pushes that down – goes pro at pushing shit down over the course of the next few years. Selfishly, in her mind, she would rather drain a blood bank than kill someone, which is stupid because she’s hurting more people the other way, but it’s the distance and disconnect. Doesn’t stop guilt from eating away at her when she thinks too hard, but again: push that shit down.

And hey, she got the lime green geotracker in the divorce 🥴

For advice, I was thinking for a while because as her mama I wouldn’t want her to look out for herself or heal or anything to change LMAO. Even in character and before her personality 180, Sol had such a restless spirit and was prone to depression and impulse, I don’t think she would’ve lived or chosen to live a long mortal life as it was, or if she did it would not have been fulfilling to her. Unsatisfied as always! As much as she resents Julian for what he did to her in the name of Project 2100, buried way down deep and unbeknownst to herself (maybe she just refuses to acknowledge it…), there’s twisted excitement in being this catalyst – in having purpose. This is why she still subconsciously leans towards Julian’s suggestions during Night Road, and why she keeps the 2100X serum in her veins once infected. Also, she does just love him too 😭

BUUUT, considering all that, I think if Sol knew she would be Embraced and have to leave everything behind, she might advise her younger self to cherish that time she had. Like a lot of teenagers she was distant from her parents, not even out of dislike because her family was very loving. She was very close to her brother Tiago (and that’s one thing that hurt a lot on top of no longer having Julian from 2010-2020 – that she couldn’t simply go home and see her brother; that her heart was broken, that she was dead, and that she was left with no one). She wasn’t as close to her parents and often clashed with what her mother out of differing views and opinions. Mom and Dad worked extremely hard to prop Sol and Tiago up for their futures but of course Sol wouldn’t have cared about that much at the time… so looking back she would appreciate them more — and maybe developing a better relationship with her parents and going along with what her mother wanted for her would’ve changed her request that night she met and got to know Julian. Maybe he would’ve done it anyway.

Her parents are dead by the events of Night Road, so it remains one of her biggest regrets, not saying goodbye. She keeps an heirloom topaz and mahogany rosary and in lonelier moments of confusion or despair or guilt will apologize and pray to/for them. Sol was never as religious as her parents (devout Catholics) wanted growing up and before her Embrace, but with the absolute desolation she felt after things came crashing down and actually processing her situation, she takes comfort in what she watched them take comfort in during her childhood. More than anything I think she is agnostic — but she feels this is her only connection to them, and as silly or futile as it might seem to her sometimes, the only way she can reach out to them after leaving without a word – to keep them with her even after their passing. Her courier alias of Soledad is in part of where she was born, and an homage to her mom and her mom’s reverence for María de la Soledad (which was also a mural painted on her dad’s workshop)… and it works with having the same nickname as her real name: Solona :)

AND A WIP!

whew!!! thank you so much for asking and letting me ramble!!! you are a gift wiz, i got so excited seeing your ask<3 thank you for always being so nice about my art in the tags too, you make it a joy to share T_T <3

[katyspersonal]

There are plenty of evidences for many of these 🤔 Messmer IS a Demigod, not Demigod-adjascent like Godfrey or GEQ whatever, so it's fair to assume he was born after her ascension! And Radagon is a byproduct of her ascension! He also has red hair..

At the same time, Rykard is blond whereas being specifically Radagon's son, so Messmer could have had red locks without Radagon participating... Marika's alters genes are just odd! Meanwhile, Messmer's soldiers use the same stomp and roar attacks associated with Godfrey and he has Knights using Crucible Aspects which, again, links to Godfrey's Knights. A talisman depicting Godfrey is also found in Shadow's Keep! Messmer was certainly a product of the time before Radagon became relevant the way he is later 🤔 However, we're discussing biological parenting, Godfrey could've still been just a father figure But what Messmer and Godfrey REALLY share in common is having no ass gfgfhfjj

But the source of red locks to begin with is ALSO the curse of Fire Giants, even with Radagon, and Messmer is connected to it on multiple points! His flames curse his Fire Knights with red hair (with only Queelign being spared... so far) same as how Fire Monks and Arghanthy got red locks from Flame of Ruin, his Furnace Golems feature visage of Fell God by version of Hornsent and function on burnt sacrifices similarly to how Fire Giant summons Fell God by burning part of his body, and like Fell God Messmer is deformed and one-eyed!

The thing about Messmer though is:

If he was born with a single cursed eye that prevented Grace residing in him, that might have made him vulnerable for the powers that exist outside of Golden Light associated with Greater Will! Greater Will has a lightness Abyss at the center of itself (check Ymir's hat), and Base Serpent comes from lightless Abyss too! Messmer could've been born without the one thing preventing Base Serpent from manifesting. @sermessmer also has an interpretation that Greater Will itself had Marika birth Messmer as Base Serpent because it craved to remove the "bad" aspects of existence that contradict life and light and hoped Marika as new God could figure how to get rid of Base Serpent and I think this works too!

Then there is also the fact that Empyreans have genderbents installed (or have androgynous bodies like Malenia or Ranni), so there could've been gay sex with Gloam-Eyed Queen that did result in birth! Melina is somehow connected with GEQ's Destined Death and said to bear visions of fire like Messmer, and GEQ is connected with snakes as evidenced by Godskin Nobles having snake tail and Apostles having weapon with serpentine motif! Snake was also viewed as traitor of the Erdtree since Godfrey's Duelists, so, after war on Fire Giants but before Messmer was banished, so maybe the Snake traitor refers to Marika's conflict with GEQ?

And there is also an option that Messmer was not born Demigod but promoted to such by virtue of relation? The "Rune of Life" that is now Marika's has been the part of Elden Ring ever since Ancient Dragons, LONG before her ascension, she simply made it her symbol when she became a God! Maybe something fell on Messmer too by that effect, only, it was the power that opposes Grace's for some reason?

(I personally feel like it is a combination of things: Marika gets cursed during war with Fire Giants but it transmits to Radagon as manifestation of her order, that results in Messmer being born cursed but Godfrey was his bio father and assumed he got cucked at first gfhgj, being born without Grace results in Base Serpent torturing him)

[estro-boi]

cw suicide (not mine, I'm just venting), cw abuse

in 2017 i moved in with a girl because nobody would rent to her on her own. we were good friends and i knew full well that we wouldn't be by the time i moved out. given that she would be homeless otherwise, i did it. she made multiple suicide attempts during this period, each of which is seared into my memory. the first time she went into my room and stole all my benzos trying to overdose (thankfully benzos alone are pretty hard to die from unless you fall down the stairs or something). it was like 4am. she then demanded that i give her more (there were no more, she didn't believe me) or she'd leave and kill herself and it would be my fault. the second time she texted me the note while i was at work and i had to spend 45 minutes on public transport terrified that there was a corpse waiting for me at the end. when i got there someone had called an ambulance so my home was full of paramedics and cops. the bathtub was full of blood and she needed to get a ton of stitches at the hospital. i couldn't bring myself to put my arm in the tub and drain it so until she came home i couldn't go for a piss without seeing it and thinking about what i very nearly came back to. the third time she spent maybe a fortnight telling me she was going to kill herself on her birthday and if i told anyone or tried to stop her then she'd do it earlier. she'd sit in her room blasting the same incredibly depressing song over and over for two straight weeks while i just sat in bed hearing it through the wall and crying and not knowing what to do. one time she left a note and took some rope and disappeared in the middle of the night and i was searching through the woods in pitch darkness for over an hour trying to find her, again terrified that i'd get there too late. there were a bunch more incidents like this.

this was 18 months of my life, 18 months of constant hypervigilance for any kind of slight change in tone or behaviour that might indicate something was about to happen again. being the only other person around, her anger and frustration would get projected onto me, manifesting as constant emotional manipulation and abuse. any problems i had were a personal insult because i hadn't gone through what she'd been through. anything i did, literally as far as buying food for her dog because he'd run out, would turn into hours-long struggle sessions where every aspect of my character was torn to shreds. accusations that i was some kind of predator who'd only moved in because i was trying to fuck her came up a lot.

i got deeper into pills, i was getting shitfaced every night, i wasn't socialising, i was barely sleeping. by the end i was literally just staring at the walls silently because i was scared to do anything else. i couldn't leave because she had no means of supporting herself and the added stress might have been the final straw that killed her. even after she told me to leave, i kept paying rent for months because she couldn't afford it. she spent those months texting me more abuse, telling me on one occasion that I should kill myself.

there's no real point to this, i just need to vent it somewhere. it's been 5 years since i moved out and im still paralysed with anxiety whenever i do anything. i can't go to shows anymore, i can't meet people, im silent all the time because im scared to make noise. i freak out if im doing anything and i can hear someone talking because im afraid that i'll seem like im ignoring them, which was a massive flashpoint in that house. i barely leave the house to do anything. i feel like i haven't relaxed in years, im constantly on edge now because i had to be back then as a matter of life and death.

i never got any closure in any of this. i think about this girl every single day when some horrible memory or other bubbles up in my brain. i can close my eyes right now and see the bathtub where she slashed her wrists. i can see her at my bedroom door yelling at me to give her drugs that i didn't have. i don't know if she's alive. i can't talk to anybody about it. i tried to help my friend and it ruined my life.

[lukedanger]

Another one for @cannot-rest and the Ashley Appreciation Week. This one focusing on Ashley and (Paragon) Shepard’s dichotomy.

One aspect of Ashley and Shepard’s relationship, specifically with Paragon Shepard, that I think is often slept on is that at the end of the day their motives are not that different. The game would have us believe it to be an opposites attract because Ashley is coded to prefer Renegade choices. The ignorant would have us believe she is everything Paragon Shepard should stand against. In truth, their motives are remarkably similar, only looking different because of the lens that their motives are shined through and the experiences with authority shaping their outlooks accordingly.

Ashley herself says that she sees Earth’s interests as her own, and we see it early. She takes a huge risk as the most vulnerable crewman on the SSV Normandy to check Shepard about the wisdom of allowing two potentially very unreliable unknowns on the ship with full access to systems they had no business accessing as auxiliaries to the marine detachment. And going by how many people want to nuke her for it, I’d say her fears were well justified. Come Virmire, she repeatedly volunteers for the most dangerous jobs based on available information. And if she had any inklings of there being glory, the sheer amount of undue hate she got in boot camp and beyond would put to bed any notions she had for the glory in war’s hell. She knows how the sausage is made, and is ready to make it if necessary.

Paragon Shepard joined the Alliance Marines not dissimilarly - they want to do what is best for the Alliance, and heavily believe that a part of that means being part of the wider galactic community. And as we all know, Paragon Shepard will go to great lengths to do the right thing and is willing to make the necessary personal sacrifices. And despite being viewed as naive by some, Paragon Shepard is not unaware of how the sausage gets made. They just look for alternatives, even if it means choosing the harder path to avoid a choice that otherwise would be necessary.  And make no mistake, when faced with the situation that demands the horrible choice be made with no way around it, Paragon Shepard can and will make that choice. Arathot and the slave-majority population trapped there learned that in the shockwave of the destroyed Bahak Mass Relay.

Both of them, however, recognize that these choices may be necessary but it does not make them good. The right choice, maybe, but not the good one.

Beyond that, both are exemplars in different ways. During training, the records of which were nothing but praise when Shepard accessed them, Ashley had helped train the recruits who were lagging behind and brought them up to speed. Even soldiers who benefited from her being discriminated against looked up to her and did not enjoy her being bypassed even if it was to their benefit. Paragon Shepard needs no explanation, being a living exemplar of Mass Effect’s theme about how people can come together. Unlike Ashley, though, Shepard was given all sorts of opportunities while Ashley was deliberately sidelined by the brass. After all, if Ashley gained a reputation like Shepard, wouldn’t that bring the entire Shanxi affair into a much closer light that might make certain individuals in power look extremely suspect?

And that is where their differences began to manifest. Shepard was encouraged to be a Paragon (or Renegade, as that may be) by the brass and honored accordingly. Ashley by contrast gave them everything and for it they kicked her into multiple crap postings to try and dead end her career. Those experiences shaped them both very differently. Shepard came out believing in the system, Ashley was driven to cynicism. She knew that if humanity was this bad amongst their own, how would humanity and aliens alike be in a wider community? Paragon Shepard comes to believe that everyone can work together. Ashley had seen the dark side of humanity enough to know that if push came to shove, looking out for their own was more important.

In Paragon Shepard, however, she finds someone who both respects her as a person and is willing to argue with her as a peer. If Shepard tells Ashley to drop the discussion, she does so immediately. If Shepard keeps engaging with her, though, Ashley opens up because Shepard has asked and is engaging with her in a debate. At the end of the day, both want the Systems Alliance to succeed. The main sticking point is that Ashley does not believe that Earth can rely on their allies to survive as if push comes to shove, they will sacrifice Earth and humanity to save themselves*. Shepard, by contrast, believes that humanity needs to learn from those who have already been out here in the galaxy and that they can work together. They may not see eye to eye on everything, but they at least respect each other and their differing opinions. *After all, humanity would do the same if the situation was reversed, and Ashley knows it. They threw her whole family under the bus and still are.

And then Shepard gets the opportunity to convince Ashley to reconsider* - to swap out the lens she views everything through and to consider viewing from Shepard’s more big-picture examination. Ashley starts to weigh whether Earth could sacrifice a bit now to pay dividends later, whether they can really work with everyone rather than having to assume they’ll go it alone down the line. Yet the motive is still the same - what is best for Earth and the Systems Alliance? The difference is she stops assuming the Tragedy of the Commons is inevitable. *You know, if this wasn’t locked behind a romance… imagine if Leliana or Alistair could only be Hardened if you romanced them. That kneecaps their entire arc, doesn’t it?

That difference is huge, but it also brings to light what I would say is the most important part of Ashley and Shepard’s relationship. They are two people with very similar motives at the core - they want to put themselves between the galaxy’s horrors so someone they will probably never meet or know about doesn’t have to face it. They are both Alliance Soldiers (literally by character class, potentially) and are loyal to it at the end of the day. They both want to do the right thing, even if they may disagree on exactly what that is. And they can respect each other enough to discuss the argument and talk like people who are not so thin skinned that the first sign of a point that is disagreed with must be met with nuclear fire or the airlock.

With Ashley, Paragon Shepard has someone who can give them the calling out they need when their idealism might blind them. Someone who can present a coherent argument that isn’t “hard (wo)men making hard decisions (while hard)” or “I just want to shoot the bad guy and be done with it” for why certain Renegade actions might be wiser. Someone who also helps highlight why Paragon Shepard feels - it’s not just doing good for good’s sake, Paragon Shepard has logical reasonings behind it. The ability to learn from their allies, to not have to go it alone even if they should be able to stand on their own two feet. Without Ashley, who really allows Shepard to show that side of them?

With Shepard? Ashley has an exemplar who gives her the chance that has been long overdue for her, who respects her views on affairs even if they differ and is willing to argue with her point rather than hide behind “you’re a Williams”. Someone who shows her that maybe the galaxy doesn’t have to be as cynical as she feels it is. That maybe people need to believe in the ideals more openly, how else will they become? Paragon Shepard is that someone who can remove that cynicism that Ashley is wearing as an armor harness while respecting why she wears it and not force it off of her.

This is a point that fanfic authors using Ashley should lean into. That while at first sight she seems to disagree with Paragon Shepard, she’s actually driven by a very similar motive. If anything, I would posit the argument that Ashley embodies what Renegade Shepard claims to be - the person who makes the pragmatic choice no matter how distasteful it might be. The difference? Ashley would rather not pick the callous options that Renegade does with glee and sanctimonious cynicism, and Ashley actually weighs the morality of her actions rather than dismissing it as baggage.

Too bad Bioware decided not to do anything with it, especially since Ashley’s cynical stance has a particularly gaping hole in it: “What happens if survival of the one species requires all the species to cooperate to save themselves?” Mass Effect 3 is the perfect situation to put Ashley in a position where her old stance would doom everyone and she damn well knows it. Kaidan would be confronted by the challenges of convincing people to do what seems to be obvious, Ashley is confronted by having to overcome her own beliefs to act on what truly motivates her and in the process save as many as could be saved.

[sleepynegress]

Spoiler-Filled Reaction to the 1st Ep of TFATWS: ‘New World Order’ ...

Okay, so I may switch up and do weekly recaps via audio. Either way, I’m getting something out before the weekend is up... Still!...  It’s a been a few days, so I can go a bit more in depth with my thoughts on that pilot ep.

~ So, that opening was quiet and down-to-earth. For me, it was hammering home not only the humbleness of Sam (despite the bravado, the man is naive in his optimism and *not* superpowered), but being stuck in his initial thoughts about the shield.   ...That it didn’t feel like it belonged to him. Sam’s personality, has been established as super-loyal and almost childlike in his feelings that things will work out and doing the right thing because it’s right (which is why he didn’t get paid enough BTW naive pride). 

-which comes into play w/ his conflict w/ his sister later... I’ll come back to that.

~ We jump into a dangerous mission that shows off Falcon’s personality. He’s gonna get it done with style and optimism even when working with equipment that needs a few updates.  The stunt coordination here was fantastic!  I legit whewed! aloud at Balroc paragliding into *multiple* helicopters... Sam’s hair-pin turns milimeters from canyon rock, propellers, and rockets... ~ I *loved* Torres’ fanboying. It felt like a parallel to Sam fanboying Cap, in CA:WS and evoked the well-established superhero trope of a person *marveling* aloud at what you’re doing making it so. much. cooler. (as an oldhead, the random black dude emoting about Superman’s suit after he comes out of a phonebooth, in the Reeves movie, is my earliest memory of this trope). ~ Then we see the Tunisia titlecard, which yea! it didn’t just say Africa, but ehh, once again “yellow tint” is code for “exotic” country full of brown people. It did cut through the typically more alt-right-tinged military propaganda w/ the Tunisian man thanking Sam for saving his wife, the bare minimum of humanization... but it saved the scene from just “backdropping” the people/culture w/o any humanity, at all, as is typical... That and the way these two BIPOC spoke to one another (there is a certain kind of rapport we non-white folk have w/ each other) was my first hint...that this showrunner ain’t a white dude. The joking about him knowing Arabic...like cheering/teasing when we show our range to one another.  Mainly, this interaction was to show that Sam is to Torres what Steve was to Sam in some ways...with a bit more “brazen kid” on Torres’ part, along w/ introing the idea of the Flagsmashers. ~ Then, naive Sam decides to donate the shield to the Smithsonian...because he doesn’t feel like he’s earned it and because in his mind it still belongs to Cap and because he’s out here trusting this governement even after all the B.S. he’s done lived through.  Even Rhodey was having his doubts... Maybe being around during the blip makes a person more savvy and cynical, IDK. ~ So, then we see Buck in therapy and since I’ve been through trauma, I know that mindset.  Sticking to routine is a big “win”.  Not really caring about anything beyond the bare essentials (yall saw that man’s apartment). And the feeling of being displaced would be amplified by the fact that this man is more so than anyone who has existed(!).  ~ I noticed that Seb leaned into his Rom-Merican accent, which was a great acting choice, it evokes his sense of having traveled without a solid sense of self in a place, because he was essentially, asleep all those decades, while the brainwashed aspect of himself was enslaved to Hydra. I LOVE his therapist.   Fannishness for a cute guy, means a lot of people don’t like her being “mean” to him... But I’mma tell you, as someone who actually has been in therapy for a good bit, you *need* someone who will call you on your bullshit so you can properly work on it.  I love that she’s also a vet and there’s nothing cutesy and coddling in a male-gazey sexy or motherly way. She’s doing her fucking job and not letting his ass slide. To me, that read as a hat-tip to a woman drecting this. So, we see Buck manifest his trauma w/ profound discomfort in his own skin.  He doesn’t know how to interact anymore, how to swagger in this strange time and place (because dude had all kinds of 1940′s swagger and juice back in CA:TFA) So, he’s just awkwardly honest, and beating himself up for that. But... he’s still alive, so he totally perked up in the presence of this attractive server and Yori notices and like so many old people, just busted his chops and skipped all the what he wasn’t gonna do and did it for him, w/ Leah’s confidant acceptance -ahhh, I luv her!- as an assist. ~ Then we flip back to Sam in Delacroix and we meet his sister and his nephews and his community(!) which really nails down Sam the man, the person, the human apart from his underwritten assists to the Avengers. We see that Sarah knows and loves this naively optimistic ‘I will find a way to fix it because it’s the right thing to do’ hard-headed brother.... but good-God! he doesn’t know shit about real-world day-to-day struggle... If you’ve seen Anthony Mackie in The Hurt Locker... one of the big themes explored, is how tough it is for vets who have been through explosions and firefights in another country... to adjust to day-to-day struggle in “normal life”. THAT is what Buck’s therapist was calling out when she said BULLSHIT to him saying he wanted peace (lol, no he doesn’t, like Sam he wants that righeous kind of adrenalin only being in action for “good” gives) and what Sarah is frustrated w/ is regarding him not understanding or respecting the kind of struggle she had to deal w/. ~ As an aside I *loved* her *nose-scratch* “Can I talk to you for a minute??” Whew! That is a black-ass way to let you know someone is pissed w/ you and wants to hash all the shit out. That’s why Sam avoided it, lol... ~ So, the date with Leah, who does all the right things...Goes terribly, because Buck is still too deep in his trauma focus on anything about how great she is.   Note, that just about everything that happened on that date reminded him of aspects of his trauma to the point where Buck, (being an absolute dick!) just fucking, walks out on her!!  I NEED her to chew his ass out for that and I need him to *not* be able to make it up to her (and I’d also love some fanfic, where Buck actually does *ahem* treat her well... I know Asian women be shorted in fanfic too!) ~ So, he goes to Yori’s apartment and stares like an obvious knucklehead (still dealing w/ being stuck in his trauma) at the alter to the man who was just in the way of that brainwashed aspect of himself, pays for the lunch and walks off...AND, NOTE!!  YORI DID NOTICE ALL THIS. So, this will eventually come to a head...yikes! ~ Then we’re back to Sam, and Sarah who tries to have that talk, but old boy ain’t trying to hear it. Insisting that he’s the man to swoop in and save the boat and the business *sigh* by some magic (hanging with magical beings...will do that, I guess). And Sarah smartly is just frustrated and skeptical, but lets him go on and try and fail in the same ways she already did so. many. times... in those five years. ~ And then we see bb Torres being brazen kid stupid amateur spy w/ the Flagsmashers. I honestly thought old masked dude stomped him to death, at first... The camera pan showed the cliched dead-man pose, after all.  I guess he pulled that (super!)stomp, which means... Flagsmashers aren’t the lethal villians here IMO.   I think they escaped from the *real* villian. ~ And then comes some real world racist bullshit... This scene at the bank *nails* a particular kind of frustratingly infuriating racism that is common. Where they will act like they are doing you a favor because they like and want something from you... but still won’t serve you in the same way they would a white person. It’s this strange willfullly “I like you negroes, you entertain me! -but fuck you -but I still like you!” patronizing thing that we know all too well. *whew!* That was real. And then that heartbreaking scene where after Sarah rightly told-ya-so’s.  -Sam is working on that mess of an engine and reality *finally* sets in when the key  didn’t even attempt to turnover.

~ Then Torres messages Sam (and he’s alive!) and we all know Sam knows these Flasgsmashers got super-serum, but isn’t saying. Even TORRES knows (bless his heart). ~ And from there we go straight to the U.S. government rubbing salty dirt in Sam’s wound with the new/fake Cap holding the shield aloft and winking like “It’s mine now, bitch!”. ---And the credits, I won’t get into except to say if you want ALL the spoilers in the credits, watch that linked video, I posted earlier. But they are SIGNIFICANT spoilers.

[autumnblogs]

Day 18: Engineering our own misfortune

https://homestuck.com/story/2939

It never occurred to me until now that being betrayed by Jack Noir, the first person to accept him for who he is in a sense, is probably a signifcant part of the reason why Karkat is so angry. It’s probably ironic that the Blood Player’s relationships all have a tendency to disintegrate. Poor guy.

All but one of Karkat’s coplayers will either die, betray him, abandon him, or break up with him before the adventure is over.

More after the break. CW: This one has some suicide mentions in it.

https://homestuck.com/story/2950

WV and the other Carapacians may have some instinctive level of awareness of the players’ classes and aspects - while their legend is ensconced in Carapacian Lore, WV instantly senses the narrative presence of the Thief of Light.

https://homestuck.com/story/2960

Now here is something interesting. I just picked up on it, even though it has actually been present all throughout - when the Narrative addresses WV, it addresses him with information he almost certainly could not know - in a call and response fashion! While he’s jumping from one thought to another in terms of John’s different correspondents, the way that he phrases his dialogue suggests that he is aware of what the Narrative is addressing him.

https://homestuck.com/story/2962

And by all accounts, what he is viewing here is not the literal material events as they unfold, he’s literally looking at the same panels we are.

https://homestuck.com/story/2974

Vriska’s gloating here has always given me chills. It’s in moments like these that she really shines as not just a bully but an authentic diabolical mastermind who is, at least at this point in the story, utterly indifferent to the lives of other people.

https://homestuck.com/story/2975

Vriska’s external locus of control excuses her of feeling guilty about creating Bec Noir. While she is 100% responsible for it, that doesn’t mean, in her mind, that she should suffer any consequences for it (although she’s perfectly happy to take the credit for creating him, it seems.)

https://homestuck.com/story/2992

I’ve always thought that the Dream Bubbles were an extremely cool plot contrivance - semantically linking memories together with dreams and death is a really cool bit of linking.

https://homestuck.com/story/3008

Just as Jade has had effectively no parent to help her find her way in life, she will now have to suffer a sprite who cannot give her advice either. She remains alone.

https://homestuck.com/story/3010

Bec, to a greater degree than perhaps even the Seers, is directly cognizant of interruptions by Command Prompts.

https://homestuck.com/story/3017

I’m starting to be able to actually pick up the themes of the whole Exile plotline.

It seems, in general, to be a parable on power and authority, with each of the Exiles representing one kind or another. You’ve got WV who aspires to be first among equals, democratically elected, a community leader and organizer.

You’ve got the White Queen, who fits classical tropes related to the Good Monarch, a symbolic authority.

You’ve got the Peregrine Mendicant, whose take on governmental duty is more that of a functionary - her self-concept is as someone who does what is needed.

And then you’ve got the Aimless Renegade, who, as a Mad Max Type wasteland cop, could be read as either a playful parody of eighties and nineties copaganda, or as a criticism of copaganda, or both - government as the State, an enforcer of constructed order.

Of all of them, it’s clear that WV and PM’s takes on power are the most useful. The White King and Queen are quickly slaughtered once Jack arrives, because without their magical mcguffins, they remain little more than walking talking symbols.

AR is an interesting case though, because his defining character moment is that he hesitates to follow his orders, and while it could be argued that everything that ensues is his fault for not being stone cold enough to do what needs to be done, I’d argue that his hesitation is admirable - Jack escapes to live another day, and the Mayor survives. The Mayor’s infectious compassion ultimately saves his own life through the AR’s refusal to let him die by destroying the command stations in Cascade, because AR is not willing to trade lives.

https://homestuck.com/story/3040

I’ve never been entirely clear on whether the Dark Gods should be considered evil or simply incomprehensible, morally uncategorizable - in any case, the unique nature of the Kids’ session seems to preclude an ordinary relationship with them. By all accounts they also seem perfectly happy to help Rose create the Green Sun as well, sowing the seeds that will grow into Lord English, their own murderer.

Whatever they’re up to is extremely unclear, and they mostly seem to be a wildcard. I’ll have to see if any of my Homestuck chums have thoughts about the Horrorterrors. With the exception of the Dream Bubbles and their ability to facilitate interaction between the living and the Dead, talking to the Horrorterrors seems to be at best an exercise in facilitating inevitable misfortune - they seem to be all but completely useless.

I suppose learning how to navigate the furthest ring comes in handy exactly once, since it enables the kids to fly to the Alpha’s universe.

https://homestuck.com/story/3043

Rose’s pessimistic dissatisfaction manifests in two ways during this conversation - the first is her contemplation of self-destruction. Along with her suicide mission, one of the very first things she mentions about Doc Scratch is that he wants to die - which clearly fascinates her. The other thing is that, suspicious of the version of truth that Skaia presents, and lacking an anchor, she is very easily swayed by characters who offer her an alternative truth.

https://homestuck.com/story/3045

It has just occurred to me that while Rose doesn’t do anything directly to harm her co-players the way that Vriska does, the main actual thing that they have in common, that I was having a hard time putting my finger on, is actually another parallel between the two of them and Aradia - by allowing themselves to be manipulated by forces of evil beyond human comprehension - Doc Scratch in particular - Rose and Vriska both make manifest all sorts of misfortune. In Aradia’s case, it’s her continuous manipulation by the voices of the dead.

Both of them create nearly all of their own problems, and while they’re at it, create immense amounts of suffering from other people who happen to be in the vicinity. And, according to the rules of the Alpha Timeline, both of them therefore give their assent to their misfortune. The Alpha Timeline is, of course, the same as the Glub Glub trap - if you refuse to participate, you are destroyed, but participation is horrible.

https://homestuck.com/story/3055

Couple things.

The first and most obvious is;

Monkey see, Monkey do.

We’re starting to see the fallout of Vriska’s attempts to acculturate Tavros - she’s tried to force a square peg into a round hole, and has had no luck. Tavros doesn’t fit her vision of an ideal troll, and he never will; that’s not the kind of person that he is.

The use of the word hero is what’s important here. Notice especially the way that he draws a line from physical fitness and personal worth - the ability to do important things that you want to do has become Tavros’ idea of how to self-actualize. He has internalized Vriska’s toxic ideas.

The other thing is that while Grandpa may not have literally committed suicide, but he is clearly emotionally checked out of life - playing Indiana Jones when he’s away from home, and interacting with fantasy women at his tea party, instead of engaging with his real life granddaughter.

Suicide’s a touchy subject, one which Homestuck touches on. As I’ve already said, I’m not going to touch on the Epilogues or HS^2, both of which also touch on the subject. It’s not a central theme, I don’t think, although either killing themselves or waiting around to die recur multiple times as possibilities in the minds of different characters, particularly the Lalondes and Striders. I’ll have more to say about each individual instance, but in both the insincere threat of suicide Rose uses in her early strife, and here in Act 5, the act of self-destruction is not motivated by despair, but by spite - for Rose, self-destruction would be an act to spite someone else who wants her to exist.

Grandpa Harley’s complete emotional absence from the life of his loved ones might be called a bit of emotional suicide. Checked out of personal reality completely to pursue a life of fantasy (and to facilitate Sburb), Grandpa Harley may as well have been dead from Jade’s perspective, even before he died.

https://homestuck.com/story/3056

The link between being a Hero Coolguy and Romantic (Reproductive) Success is drawn very neatly by Tavros, but because the premise is false, the conclusion is also false.

https://homestuck.com/story/3059

Vriska immediately calls attention to the way Tavros is parroting her behavior because of her influence - without all of the chest-beating and saber-rattling that Vriska does, the skillfully executed showmanship of being aloof and confident, there’s not that much difference between what Tavros tried to pull just now, and what Vriska has always done - even repeating her romantic faux-pas.

https://homestuck.com/story/3078

And we’ll pause here, before I get to another walkaround, which I will do tomorrow.

Not a lot that inspired me to talk in the 150 or so pages I got today. Lots of action in Act 5, but less emotional meat to dig into.

For now, it’s Cam signing off, alive but not alone.

[blacklister214]

Illusions (Chapter 4): Milestone

L.A., 1983

Caleb spun and dipped Delilah, executing the move with perfect precision. Dancing with a partner had, in life, been a bit trying for him, but he had to admit this wasn't as aggravating as he remembered. That was probably due to Delilah. She was nearly as much of a perfectionist as he was and didn't complain about going into overtime if it meant getting a routine right. Just as important, the dancer had no more romantic interest in him than he had in her.

If there was one thing he didn't miss about his old life, it was the constant hetrosexual façade he'd had to maintain. Constantly squiring empty-headed starlets around town had been exhausting. Unfortunately he'd had no choice. The fan magazines needed to report on his "womanizing" ways, or people would wonder why a man as handsome, rich, and charming as Caleb Covington wasn't settled down with a nice wife. A cad was acceptable by Hollywood standards. The truth about Caleb was not.

Attitudes towards those of Caleb's persuasion hadn't completely changed with the times, but within this small group of performers, he didn't feel the need to hide that aspect of himself.

"-I tell you this, and ain't just jive. Though I'm dead, I have never felt so alive." He flipped Delilah high in air and caught her with ease. Yet another benefit of ghosthood.

"I feel like a king with," He and Delilah poofed themselves into the chair they'd set up as the makeshift "throne" on the band platform. He used his scepter to cue to the band.

"When I swing with," This time they landed themselves on the room's chandelier. They rocked it back and forth while the musicians played the accompaniment.

"When I sing, sing, sing, sing, siiiiinnnnngggg" He held out his hand and together they jumped, vanishing in mid-air, only to appear on the main stage, Caleb on one knee before Delilah.

"With you!" The band executed the final notes and there were a few seconds of silence before the whooping started.

"That was the best we ever played!" Caleb stood, keeping his face impassive, but he silently agreed. He only hoped that didn't mean they would fall flat this evening. Ignoring the gushing, he moved over to the table where he kept his notes.

"We are knocking them dead tonight!"

"Or deader as the case may be!" Caleb frowned regretting, not for the first time, his audiences weren't a little more lively. Ghosts would enjoy their talents, but lifers would be awed.

"Silence all! Let's hear from our illustrious leader." Delilah's voice rang out clearly and everyone became mute. He could feel a dozen pairs of eyes drilling into his back. He sighed and turned to them.

"The show starts at 8. I expect everyone back in the green room by 6:30. Don't be late." The musicians seemed to deflate a bit. Good. The last thing Caleb wanted was for the band to feel complacent.

He knew better than anyone that the greatest performance often came when the performer felt they had something to prove. Everyone in this room now had the perfect motivation. They'd play their hearts out just to spite him.

Caleb could tell by the set of Delilah's jaw that she was not amused but she pasted on a smile and turned to the musicians.

"Quick, scurry before he decides to keep us all for more rehearsal." The band popped out one at a time until only his partner remained. Her hands went to her hips, the universal sign for an unhappy woman.

"Yes?" If she needed to scold him, they might as well get it over with before this evening's show.

"It wouldn't kill you to be nicer to them." Caleb cocked an eyebrow at her in a way so many of his fans had adored.

"Nothing would kill me at this point. That is the main perk of being dead." The expression on Delilah's face communicated he wasn't winning her over with his quip.

"Treat them well or they won't stick around. It's not like you're paying them and they need the job." Caleb smiled to himself, remembering all the tongue lashings he'd delivered during his life to castmates and crew members who hadn't been pulling their weight. If Delilah had known him then, she'd realize the kid gloves with which he handled his current band.

"They will stick around for the same reason I tolerate having them around. I am offering them an opportunity to perform again." That was all the carrot he needed to keep drawing them back. Caleb provided a venue, an audience, new music to play, and a star. What more could they possibly want from him?

Delilah stared at him a moment without speaking and then let her arms fall to her sides. She seemed less angry, but more...sad? Disappointed?

"If you keep pushing everyone away, you're going to end up spending eternity alone." Caleb fought the unpleasant roiling of his gut. He didn't care what Delilah thought. He didn't need her good opinion.

"I'm not alone." Warmth flooded him as he thought of Alex, pushing away all of the unpleasantness in the conversation. He smiled to himself, remembering he won't have to wait much longer before his next visit. He'd planned to drop by Alex's room at 5 pm, in a mere three hours.

"How is Alex?" Caleb's mind jerked back into the moment and he saw Delilah's expression had shifted again. She looked almost amused about something, but for the life of him, no pun intended, he couldn't imagine what. How had she guessed at the direction of his thoughts? 

Also, why was she asking him about Alex? She had only met him the one time, and things had been a bit one-sided. Still, Alex was an extremely charming child. Caleb had liked him from their first meeting and he liked almost no one. Naturally she'd be interested in the boy's well-being.

"Fantastic. He's the best student in both of his dance classes. The teacher put him downstage center. A little brat named Kimberly was furious, but cream will rise to the top."

Caleb had been unable to resist peeking in the classes from time to time. He'd wanted to assure himself that Alex was happy and the teacher wasn't completely incompetent. Caleb felt she wasted too much time on the hopeless students, but such was the nature of her profession. His opinion of the woman had greatly risen when she had given Alex his place of honor.

"Is it possible you're privately tutoring him as well?" Caleb frowned, wondering at the purpose of her question. Was she implying Alex didn't deserve to be the star in his class? That Caleb was unfairly giving the boy an advantage?

"I may have given him a few pointers. He has natural ability and the drive to better himself, so why wouldn't I assist him?" It wasn't as though Alex's parents would have been of any help. 

His mother would have to tear herself away from her many community-minded commitments. Heaven knew protests at women's clinics didn't organize themselves. For a woman supposed so committed to children and family she didn’t seem to spend much time with her own.

Alex's father had stopped his bullying ways since Caleb's intervention, but the experience had had an unanticipated side effect. These days Greg seemed a bit leery of Alex. Caleb suspected his threat had made Greg Mercer wonder if his four year old was in communication with a demon.

The man had actually nailed multiple crosses up all over the house, including in Alex's room. The Mercer family was also now attending church every Sunday. Grace was now always said before dinner. Still, it was an improvement over the unceasing criticism and Alex had been allowed his dance lessons. Overall it was a positive outcome.

"Caleb Covington, you are not the bastard everyone thinks you are." Caleb blinked at Delilah's pronouncement. Was she implying he was soft because he happened to spend a little of his time with a delightful child? He couldn't let that stand.

"Take that back." He pointed a finger in her direction in warning. Delilah's smile only grew wider.

"Fine. You're not the COMPLETE bastard everyone thinks you are. See you tonight." She vanished before he could refute her again. He resented the implication that he was in any way weak. He had worked hard to cultivate an air of implacable authority. To be a man both respected and feared throughout Hollywood. Was Alex's influence changing him somehow? Fundamentally altering who he was? 

Caleb closed his eyes, shutting out the world, and thinking only of Alex. Once again the feeling of peace swept over him. He let himself completely surrender to that feeling.

"-IS real!" Caleb's eyes popped open, startled. He swung his head around the empty ballroom. He had been certain that he had heard Alex's voice as clearly as if the boy were right in front of him. Was this another ability manifesting?

He closed his eyes and tried again, finding the place within himself that belonged to Alex.

"Is so!" There! Caleb frowned at the tone Alex had used. Alex sounded angry. Alex was almost never angry.

"Is not!" Interesting, he could hear other voices as well. This one seemed to belong to a young girl.

"Is so!" Not most witty of replies, but Caleb was proud of Alex's refusal to be cowed. It was often difficult for Alex to assert himself. Caleb had been working to help him overcome that fear and apparently those lessons were already paying dividends.

"Is not!" The little girl was practically screeching at this point. Caleb couldn't possibly imagine what could be getting both children so agitated.

"I see Caleb too! I see him right there. You can't because you're a meany-face!" Yet another voice. A boy this time. And what had he said? 'I see Caleb too!'? Caleb was more than a little surprised that he himself had been the cause of the argument. He generally encouraged Alex not to speak of him at all.

"Mommy! Luke called me a-" The girl's voice drifted off until Caleb could no longer hear her. Presumably she'd gotten too far from Alex.

"Luke? Are you sure you see Caleb? Because I don't see him." Alex's voice had gotten softer and Caleb could hear the worry in his voice. Alex had asked Caleb once if he'd still be able to see Alex when he got older. Caleb had assured Alex he would, but the truth was Caleb had no idea. Hearing Alex's voice now made him wonder if the boy had truly believed his comforting claim.

"I pretended." This 'Luke' didn't seem at all ashamed of his lie. An interesting contrast to Alex, who had once confessed to eating a stolen cookie less than a minute after taking his first and only bite. Alex hadn't even been the one to steal the cookie. Caleb had done it on his behalf. An ill-advised gesture as it turned out since Alex couldn't explain how he'd gotten the cookie from the top shelf of the pantry. The poor boy had ended up grounded for the week.

"Why?" Caleb was interested in hearing this answer as well.

"Because Sarah's a meany-face." Even Caleb had to admit that was rather sweet. This 'Luke' sounded as young as Alex, but already he had chosen to be Alex’s champion. Caleb decided he'd like to clap eyes on the child and thank him for his chivalry. It was sooner than he'd intended, but plans changed all the time.

Caleb found himself standing next to a large sandbox. The park. That would explain the voices of the other children.

"Caleb!" Alex yelled excitedly as he almost always did when Caleb appeared. How far they've both come from the day of Alex's 4th birthday when Alex had screamed in terror at the sight of him.

"He's here?!" The boy, "Luke" sounded nearly as excited as Alex did.

"Right there!" Alex pointed and Caleb watched and waited. Judging from the way Luke swiveled his head and squinted, Caleb could tell he was as invisible to the boy as he was to everyone else. After a minute the boy shrugged and waved. Caleb took a step to the left, just to be certain, but Luke's eyes remained on the space where Caleb had been.

"Hi Caleb! I'm Luke." Caleb loosed a small laugh. Though Luke couldn't see him, he still believed Alex that Caleb was there.

"Alex, please tell Luke that I'm very pleased to meet him and that I said thank you for being such a good friend to you." Before Alex could relay the message he was interrupted by the arrival of two women and the wretched child from earlier. The first was clutching the little’s girl’s hand, looking deeply affronted. The second lady, looking no lest incensed stopped before Alex’s defender.  

"Lucas Patterson! Did you call Sarah a 'Meany-face'?" Given the similarity of features, Caleb could only assume this was Luke's mother. Surely she wasn't taken in by the little girl's crocodile tears?

"Yes." Luke sounded no more contrite than he'd had early. The furrowing of the woman's eyebrows told Caleb the boy's mother hadn't missed the lack of repentance either.

"Then you need to apologize to her right this minute!" Luke's face turned positively mulish, making him resemble his mother even more. His arms folded across his chest.

"No! She IS a meany-face. And a tattle tale." Mother and son gazed into each other eyes, forcefully reminding Caleb of an Old West showdown. All that was missing was a tumbleweed rolling through the park. Finally Luke’s mother turned to the other woman. 

"I apologize for my son's rudeness. We are going home." The woman held out her hand to her child. Luke uncrossed his arms, looking as aghast as if she'd raised her hand to spank him.

"But Moooommmm-" Luke was brought up short by a look that even Caleb found somewhat intimidating.

"Say goodbye to Alex." Luke's posture flopped, signally that his mother had won the day.

"Bye Alex." He paused, then deliberately turned to where Caleb had first appeared. "Bye Caleb." Luke quickly stuck out his tongue at the little girl before at last taking his mother's hand. Caleb smiled, admiring the boy's moxie.

"I like him." Caleb turned at Alex's comment and found him staring after Luke. He realized that he could have just witnessed a major milestone for Alex. Alex was generally liked among other children, but he didn't have any one child in particular he was close with.

"Me too." Though he'd only seen the boy for a few minutes, Caleb was already convinced Luke was just the kind of loyal companion Alex deserved. Someone who would watch over him when Caleb couldn't. Someone who would listen to him.

"Caleb?" Caleb looked down and saw Alex was once more biting his lip. He hadn't seen that habit in months and it never boded well.

"Yes Alex?" The boy looked afraid. What question could be so terrifying that he was frightened to even ask it?

"Are you real? Sarah said you're not. She says I made you up." When the words finally came, Caleb realized he should have anticipated them. Of course his argument with the bratty child was upsetting him. Caleb had to consider his answer carefully.

He didn't want to tell Alex he was a ghost. Maybe one day the boy would figure it out on his own, but hopefully by then Alex would be so accustomed to Caleb it wouldn't have much of an impact.

"I am real. I'm just real in a different way than you are. But that's not always a bad thing." Caleb looked around for something to cheer Alex up. His eyes alighted on a portable radio. At present it's owner seemed to be asleep on a blanket. Not very intelligent of them really. They were practically asking for their device to be stolen. Really what he was about to do was a benevolent gesture.

"If I were like you I could do this?" He pointed at the radio and the power moved to the "On" position.

"-And it's magic if the music is groovy," The napper jerked awake and stared at the radio in confusion.

"It makes you feel happy like an old-time movie." Caleb recognized the song. It was one of Alex's favorites. They'd spend an entire afternoon with Alex's parents radio. They'd flipped through stations so Caleb had at least some awareness of what had happened to music in the fifty years he'd been in the dark room. Quite a bit apparently, and in Caleb's view, very little of it good.

"Do You Believe in Magic" had come on and Caleb had decided to add a little spice to the song by demonstrating his developing telekinetic powers to Alex. Alex had been as entranced as Caleb had hoped. As a consequence Alex fairly regularly wheedled Caleb into performing that song over, and over, and over again. It was no surprise when Alex spun to face him, all sad thoughts forgotten.

"Caleb, will you sing?!" Caleb did not know whether to chuckle or groan.

"I don't know Alex. You know it's not really my type of music." This too was part of the routine. Caleb, hemming and hawwing...

"Pleeaassse? You sing it so nice!" Alex begging and flattering...

"Alright, but only if you're my band." And then Caleb finally giving in. "Are we agreed?" Alex nodded eagerly. He held out his sand bucket with one hand and his shovel with the other in a ready position.

Caleb started snapping his fingers in time with the song. Alex obediently started tapping the rhythm in his bucket. When Caleb was sure Alex had the beat he transported himself to the top of the play structure's tower. Caleb sang down as Alex beamed up at him from the ground.

"I'll tell you about the magic, and it'll free your soul, But it's like trying to tell a stranger 'bout a rock 'n' roll."

Caleb swayed with the music, noticing something odd as he did. He would swear that people were looking at him.

"If you believe in magic don't bother to choose, if it's jug band music or rhythm and blues. Just go and listen it'll start with a smile, that won't wipe off your face no matter how hard you try."

They were still looking. A hope bloomed in Caleb's chest. He shouldn't indulge in it. He knew it was impossible and yet….

Caleb spotted a table about twenty feet away with some parents sitting at it. He instantaneously transported himself on top of it. Once Caleb appeared, there was no doubt in his mind that their eyes were locked on him. He soaked up their amazement like they were water and he a sponge. His eyes returned to Alex who faithfully kept tapping on his bucket from a few yards away.

"Your feet start tapping, and you can't seem to find, how you got there, so just blow your mind. If you believe in magic come along with me-"

He jerked his head at Alex to follow him. Disappearing once more, he re-materialized on an empty seesaw. He danced from the low end to the high end as he sang, aware a crowd was slowly converging on him.

It was incredible! The closest he'd ever gotten to the feeling was when he'd consumed five cups of coffee in the course of one hour. His entire being was buzzing.

"We'll dance until morning till there's just you and me. And maybe if the music is right, I'll meet you tomorrow sorta late at night, and we'll go dancing baby, then you'll see how the magic's in the music, and the music's in me." Caleb hopped off the seesaw and with a wave of his hand started it rocking up and down to the music.

"Yeah, do you believe in magic?" He pointed at an empty swing and with a twirled of his finger wound the chains and then released them to spin out. His audience clapped in admiration.

They were crowding him too tightly. He needed space if he didn't want to be revealed as noncorporeal. Caleb vanished and reappeared back in his original perch.

"Yeah, believe in the magic of the young girl's soul,"

The crowd sighted him and followed him like rats behind the Piper Pied of Hamelin.

"Believe in the magic of a rock 'n' roll, believe-"

Suddenly a collective gasp went up and people began buzzing, despite the fact Caleb was still singing.

"-in the magic that can set you free. Ahh, talking 'bout the magic."

"Where did he go? I hear him, but I don't see him!" Caleb waved his hands but no one took notice.

"Do you believe in magic?" He'd gone invisible again. Why? And where was Alex? He scanned the crowd. He'd gotten so caught up in the attention he'd completely lost sight of him. Suddenly he sighted the back of the boy's head. His mother had him at the edge of the grass, dragging him away from Caleb towards their car.

"Did you see that?! That was incredible!"

What possibly could be upsetting the woman? She couldn't have a problem with magicians. She'd hired one for her son's party last year. He'd have to speak with Alex about it later.

"Do you believe, believer?" It seemed at least one mystery was solved. The temporary visibility was connected to Alex. When he got pulled away by his mother, Caleb became invisible again. Interestingly though, he could be heard on his own. It hadn't worked that way with speaking, but singing apparently was another story.

"How did he do that? Mirrors and a speaker?"

"Do you believe in magic?" He'd never been heard rehearsing in the hotel, but that was inside an abandoned building. If Caleb moved his performance outdoors, then he could sing for living audiences again.

"In a park? Unlikely? Do you think we were all hypnotized?"

"Do you believe in magic?" Would it work for his band as well? He wasn't sure how he felt about singing with no accompaniment whatsoever.

"Why do you think he was here? Do you think he's drumming up business for kid's parties?" Caleb had been half-listening to the comments of his audience, but that last sentence got his full attention. He was about to show the man a taste of his "children's party" magic when his companion gave a disbelieving snort.

"A man that talented is not playing children's parties. Mark my words, in a few days we'll hear about him playing a theatre downtown. This was probably a publicity stunt." Caleb smirked to himself. That was more like it. Theatres. Sold out crowds. The adoration of millions. That his reality in life and that was his destiny in death. He'd make sure of it.

[angstmongertina]

Reunion (BoL&S)

I love writing sibling dynamics so much and oh my GOD I love Adrina.

This was meant to just be a shippy thing but it got serious somewhere towards the middle. And a bit out of control in general lol.

AO3 Link

He had barely set foot inside his former quarters after showing his… companions to their guest rooms before Adrina pounced on him, a smile bubbling on her lips.

“So…”

Tyril sighed, though if he were to be perfectly honest with himself, he wasn’t entirely surprised; his sister had always been far too keen on knowing the intricacies of his life, social and otherwise, and while that, in some ways, made her far more suited to the political dance that was Undermount society than he was, it also meant she was far too perceptive for her own good, or at least for his.

Then again, he had also deprived her of a year of such observations, and, if the state of his family’s estate, as well as its lack of servants, was any indication, it had been a trying year, during which time he had abandoned her to aid their father with minimizing the damage of his own folly. No, he had earned it, through his own actions, and he owed it to her for all she had done in the meantime.

Still, that did not mean he would make it easy for her, or dare show any sign of his resolution for fear of her pressing the advantage. Instead, he scowled. “So what?”

His disapproval had never had any effect on her, a fact that a year apart apparently had done nothing to change. She tilted her head, observing him with a gaze that vaguely made him feel as though she were seeing straight through him.

“So… Tell me about her!”

“Who?”

She rolled her eyes. “You know who I’m talking about! Csilla! Your… girlfriend?”

“Naturally. I return back to Undermount with a multitude of friends but why would you ask about anyone else?” He crossed his arms, willing himself to stay impassive despite her choice of words. “What about her?”

“If you genuinely think your attitude will get me to stop, you’ve clearly been away from home for too long.”

He sighed again. “Apparently so.”

“And…?”

“And what?”

His lips twitched as she scowled, suddenly looking much more like the younger sister he remembered from their childhood rather than the capable young woman she had become. “And tell me everything! How did you two meet? What is she like? Are you two really together?”

Taking the bait in spite of himself, he raised an eyebrow. “I believe you already asked her that last one.”

“Yes but I want to know what you think.” She grinned. “Besides, it’s much less weird to grill you for the details, especially on how you two even managed to get together, considering how stuffy and serious you are even at the best of times.”

The sound that escaped his mouth could only be called a groan, to which her eyes lit up. “Fine, but one question at a time.”

To his surprise, the sound that greeted his statement was silence for several heartbeats, before she smiled, an oddly warm expression replacing her typical teasing. “All right. What do you like most about her?”

Taken aback, he blinked. “I… was not expecting that to be the first thing you asked.”

“Oh, don’t worry. I have plenty of other questions too, but this seems the most important.”

At that, he couldn’t help but offer her a genuine smile. He had always known that he had grown up in a society where utility and consequence were the most important aspects of any interaction, but it was another thing entirely to realize just how ingrained it was in his view of the world, and how antithetical it was to everything he had witnessed in Morella, that her simple inquiry took him by surprise.

That, however, did not make the question any easier to answer, particularly when Adrina was studying him with that full intensity of hers. He cleared his throat, willing his face to remain neutral. “She… is determined.”

He was not entirely surprised when his answer earned him an eyeroll of epic proportions. “Of course she is, if she can somehow convince you to be affectionate. I have no doubt I can go ahead and add patient and forgiving to the list as well, knowing you.”

“I don’t know. I suppose… I don’t know if it’s because she was not raised in Undermount but she’s not like anyone I’ve ever met.” He paused, relaxing in spite of himself as he remembered those quiet nights and warm conversations of the past weeks, despite everything that had seemed to have gone wrong, despite the heavy weight of the world upon their shoulders. “I feel… comfortable around her. Like I could tell her anything and she wouldn’t judge me.” He shrugged, glancing away. “I suppose I feel like I can trust her, which is a rare feeling.”

He was turning red in the face, he was sure of it, but for once, Adrina had no quip prepared, no joke at his expense. Instead, she smiled, slow and warm. “That’s good. You might have thought you managed to hide it, but you’ve always been closed off to everyone, other than…” She cleared her throat, pointedly looking away as he shifted, and he looked down to find his hand clenched into a fist at his side. “Well, at any rate, I’m glad you found someone to support you. We, father and I, feared the worst when we didn’t hear back from you.”

Her expression was earnest and he looked away, finding himself strangely unable to meet her gaze. “I apologize. I… had much on my mind but I know now that I was also a coward to run away like I did.”

For a moment, the room was quiet other than his breathing, harsh in the silence, and the weight of his own confession hanging between them.

When Adrina spoke again, her voice was uncharacteristically hesitant. “Tyril? What actually happened? Father said you only told him that you lost a duel.”

He sighed heavily. “That I did.”

“But… You lost? How?”

Drawing a deep breath, he sat himself down on the edge of his bed, sweeping his gaze across the once-familiar room. Everything was as he had left it, that night he had returned from the Ancestral Masquerade, battered, bruised, and heartsick. It was easy, too easy, to remember looting through it all, blinded by grief and shame and, underneath it all, terror at what had befallen his only friend, at what would befall House Starfury. Even with his absence, with their fall from grace, not an item had been touched, left as he had last seen it, and he sighed again, brushing a finger over the wooden bedpost.

“How much do you know?”

“I know… I know that you came home from the masquerade and immediately left again without telling Father anything other than the fact that you lost a duel.” He flinched, but there was no judgment in her voice. “I know that your friend—former friend?—Kaya beat you soundly and won prestige for her house, that she has been acting… different than I remember from before she left, and that House Duskraven is now House Ascendant. And I also know that you were easily the best duellist in all of Undermount. So what actually happened?”

He sighed again, feeling the words stick in his throat, almost seeming to burn his tongue. “The Shadow Court.”

“What? You were serious?”

“Did you think that I was joking?”

Her expression turned sheepish. “Maybe? Though I should have known better; you rarely joke about anything. Perhaps it was more wishful thinking on my part.”

“I would not make light about Kaya.”

The smile she offered him was small, placating, and similar enough to ones from their childhood that he almost, almost, smiled back. “I know. It is just a… disconcerting thought, that the House Ascendent might be led by someone possessed by the Shadow Court. That does not bode well for Undermount.”

“No, it does not.”

“But… Are you absolutely sure that it is not some manifestation of her own ambition?” He opened his mouth to cut her off but he could do so, she held up a hand, and he forced himself to hold his tongue. “I know she was your dearest friend, but… There is no harm in being overly cautious.”

“I know who she used to be. She could not have deceived me.”

For a second, she met his gaze, eyes careful, scrutinous, as though weighing his curt words, and then she nodded and a warmth of affection flooded his chest.

“The Shadow Court, then. So they made her… what? Stronger so she could defeat you? How did they even get to her?”

“Technically, she went looking for more information about them. She thought there was more to the story about how they were sealed away, but…”

“She found more than she bargained for.”

At that, he sighed. “I do not know what their end goal is with Undermount. I do know that they made her much stronger and faster, and they may have to others as well.”

“And her cunning and ambition? She has taken over contracts and council sway, finding the most vulnerable points of each house and exploiting them to her own gain with all the precision of a surgeon.”

He hesitated. “I do not know. The Kaya I know is kind and humble, but clever too. It is possible that they did not need to change anything except for her morality… all of this. But the changes had to have started before her return. I should have noticed, should have found a way to have prevented all of this. I cannot ask for yours and Father’s forgiveness enough. But I will fix this. I promise.”

Her sigh was almost exasperated. “You need not do this alone. This is not just your fight.”

Despite the gravity of their discussion, the weight of his failure and its consequences, he could not help but smile, much to her apparent surprise. “I am quite aware. Csilla has informed me as such as well. Multiple times.”

When Adrina raised a single eyebrow, he shook his head, fighting in vain against the heat rising in his cheeks. “No, she has her own stake in stopping the Shadow Court. They have taken someone dear to her as well.”

“And does she know about Kaya?”

“She does. She knows that is what lead me out of Undermount in the first place.”

“No, I don’t mean like that.” That time, her sigh was lighter, amused. “Never mind. Speaking of which, however, have you had a chance to see…?”

“Yes.” The word felt heavy on his tongue, and yet somehow freeing as well, as though acknowledging it alone had taken off a burden from his shoulders. “We saw her just before coming here, at the shrine. She apparently wished to hand-deliver an invitation to this year’s masquerade.” He cast a keen eye over his sister. “You are not surprised.”

“No. Recently, she had taken to haunting our gardens more than she has any reason to, almost as if she has been awaiting your return to gloat some more.” She made a face, muttering something no doubt highly uncomplimentary under her breath. “It was beginning to get quite annoying, to be honest.”

He chuckled, nearly missing the sharp look she directed at him. “What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“Liar. You wouldn’t give me that look unless something was wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“Adrina.”

She shook her head, a faint smile on her lips. “Truthfully. There’s nothing wrong, per se. I just… am surprised, that’s all. You’re not the same as the person who left Undermount after last year’s masquerade.”

“I should hope not.”

She rolled her eyes. “Can I be sincere without you deflecting it for once?”

“I believe that is usually my role.” When she scowled, he gestured expansively towards her, earning him a genuine, if reluctant, laugh. “Very well, then. Go on.”

“Thank you, I…” She paused, her expression souring once more. “Well, all of that just ruined the mood, now, didn’t it?”

“For you, perhaps.”

At that, she snorted. “Yes, yes, I get it. I won’t draw out embarrassing you with all of this talk of emotions any longer. Though didn’t Csilla call you sensitive earlier? And I can’t even talk to you without you getting all embarrassed.”

He coughed, clearing his throat. “She’s… special.” Hesitating, he opened his mouth, but after a moment, closed it again. It would only give her more ammunition, and the prospects of going back to normal were still far out, too far to consider.

Still, she seemed to read his mind, her expression soft as she threw her arms around him for a sudden, tight embrace. “I like her, brother. I’m glad she brought you home”

He couldn’t help but smile as he hugged her back. “Me as well, Adrina. Me as well.”

[a-crimson-lion]

Further Discussion On Katsuki Bakugo

[Original Post Here]

@homez18

...I seem to have stumbled upon a rabbit hole which my hubris continues to lure me towards.

Because I genuinely want to have a discussion over your points (and I don't want to bog down my original post with too many reblogs), I'll move the discussions here.

[This isn't necessarily to flaunt my nonexistent superiority. I honestly think that you have a good argument going for Katsuki. I'm just seeing how my own analysis stacks on top of that. I'm no expert, but I'll give it my best shot. Also, spoilers for anyone else reading.]

Let's start with "I don't think Bakugo overestimates himself." This is an interesting point, which I believe does hold water. When I think about it, I realize that Katsuki actually suffers from a different problem, which I'll get back to later. As for "He's never shown to overestimate himself," that's... not entirely correct. As of late, I can think of at least TWO examples in the series where Katsuki could legitimately be overestimating himself. But first, let's address the basic issue.

9 times out of 10, Katsuki will UNDERESTIMATE his opponents.

This isn't without reason. Katsuki's strong, and he knows it. He's been strong since even before his quirk manifested, at least mentally. When his quirk kicked in, his strengths shifted to primarily physical, though he's still an intelligent person. However, even if he can gauge his own strength, he does an admittably horrible job of gauging others' strengths. Since he's been praised for nigh over a decade for having such a strong quirk, Katsuki's got the idea that he's among the best of the best. He might not be #1 yet, but he knows he's gonna get there eventually. The problem starts when he decides that everyone else is beneath him by default.

Don't tell me he doesn't underestimate others either when he tends to call everyone "extras" or just a crappy nickname (at least until he acknowledges them).

One instance where Katsuki distinctly underestimates his opponent is during the Battle Trial with Izuku. Granted, this is more of a hubris case than anything, considering Katsuki's absolute hatred for Izuku (that later does mellow out into begruding respect). The thing is, Katsuki knows Izuku has a quirk now. He knows his quirk is super strong (it beat his ball throw by 0.1 meters, after all) but there's still a part of Katsuki that believes Izuku is still a bug. He's still a worthless Deku, and to top it all off, Katsuki is convinced that Izuku hid his quirk from him since the start.

While his absurd self-centered persona is not the main focus, one must admit that Katsuki's hubris is a certain level of concerning.

So Izuku and Katsuki have a big showdown, and to Katsuki's surprise, Izuku pulls something else entirely. He manages to wreck the building above them, taking the explosion and allowing his team to pass. Katsuki thinks Izuku is looking down on him, but Izuku simply states that he wouldn't have used his quirk if he could have thought of someone else. And as Izuku collapses and the trial comes to a close, Katsuki is shaken by the fact that Izuku beat him. Worthless Deku beat Katsuki Bakugo, and he wonders if Izuku could beat him in other ways. Katsuki underestimated Izuku.

I've talked about Katsuki's obsession with strength previously, but the same idea applies here. If Katsuki wasn't so gun-ho on taking out the enemy (specifically Izuku) for the hell of it and actually tried to win the exercise, he might have been able to beat Izuku. But he's so caught up in his definitions of strength and victory that he ultimately falls flat, underestimating his opponent's capabilities to win, even indirectly. This dame idea comes back to bite Katsuki when Neito Monoma briefly takes possesion of Katsuki's headbands (granted, he does get them back later) because Katsuki didn't even bother paying attention to him, once again underestimating him.

Now, as I've stated before, Katsuki has overestimated himself at least twice. The first time was with All Might during the Final Exams. When All Might brings up his handicap weights, Katsuki has the gall to say that All Might's handicapping is "insulting." Katsuki knows that All Might is strong, he knows that All Might is the NUMBER ONE HERO, and suddenly handicapping himself is insulting? Granted, that's the same attitude he had against Shoto at the end of the Sports Festival, but just to put this scenario into perspective:

Katsuki is a 15 year old hero in training with a powerful quirk, a few months of experience, and versatile experience with his quirk among other strengths (including Battle Tactics).

All Might is an adult (age unknown) Pro Hero with a powerful quirk, years of experience, and, as a Young Katsuki once said: "No matter how bad things look, he always wins in the end!"

To put it simply, Katsuki is a Level 15 going against All Might, a Level 200 (whose handicap probably brings him down to Level 100).

Combined with Izuku (a Level 10 on his own), they might be a Level 30 (50 if I'm being generous) but All Might is still twice their skill combined, and Izuku and Katsuki's troublesome dynamic make it even more of a hinderance to fight against him. Katsuki even tries attacking All Might multiple times, even though he fails consistently each time, doing virtually nothing to change his strategy. It gets to the point where Katsuki gets straight up KO'd because he can't acknowledge that All Might truly is leagues ahead of him. Objectively, Katsuki knows that All Might is on another level, but subjectively? Shouldn't be too hard to beat him.

How would he have passed without Izuku again?

The second time Katsuki overestimates himself is actually fairly recent. Before Izuku and Katsuki head off to intern under Endeavor, they have a meeting with All Might. During that meeting, Katsuki remarks that he's be able to use all of One for All's quirks right then and there, whereas Izuku has only learned to *bloop* with his first new quirk.

Again, Katsuki is only focusing in the physical aspect of things, in this case OFA. We don't know exactly what All Might and Izuku told him about it, but I'd like to think they'd at least cover the basics of OFA's sentience. That, and the fact that since Katsuki is in on the All Might Tea Parties now, wouldn't he at least hear about Izuku's vision when he was undergoing the Black Whip episode? It's already been established that Katsuki has a strong quirk and is physically strong to an extent, but we've seen time and time again that his emotional strength needs some growing time. Plus, it has also been established that OFA gets a boost when it's motivated to save people. Katsuki has no such motives unless it benefits him. He's giving himself too much credit claiming he'd master OFA at that point.

Phew, that was long.

Otherwise, the rest of your argument is fair, homez18. Katsuki does fight to prove himself. He fights (and succeeds) to prove himself during the Entrance Exam. He fights to prove himself during the Quirk Apprehension Test (getting 3rd place and "losing" to Izuku in the ball toss, which pisses him off). He fights to prove himself in the Battle Trial (which is why he's so torn when Izuku wins). He fights to prove himself during all the events after that, like the Sports Festival or the Villain Attack at Camp. He does all that to prove himself.

The problem arises when he shuts out virtually everything else.

Yes, he should be mad at Shoto for not going all out at Katsuki during the Sports Festival, but he heard Shoto's backstory. He KNOWS Shoto hated his fire side, and saw how adamantly he refused to use it. He might not have heard what Izuku said to him in their fight, but Katsuki is so stubborn that he refuses to realize that people have issues beyond Katsuki. Not going all out against him is a personal slight. Being too weak is a personal slight. No one wins.

During the Villain Attack at Camp, Katsuki has every right to defend himself. But he's not defending himself. He's seeking out conflict because to him, fighting is the best part of being a hero. If he was truly defending himself, he'd have headed back to camp with Shoto, even begrudgingly so. Instead, he ignores Mandalay's warnings just because she brought up something about Izuku, and then narrowly avoids getting cut immediately afterwards, foreshadowing his poor choices.

TL;DR Katsuki tends to underestimate others more than he overestimates himself, and while he does fight with a warped sense of honor, it doesn't make his actions any more "noble."

Thanks for reading, homez18. I hope you enjoyed, and if you didn't? Well, that's on me I guess...

-Crimson Lion (24 September 2019)

[afinepricklypear]

Compare and Contrast: K Project vs. Bungou Stray Dogs - Part 2

Read Part 1

Story

In general, K Project does a lot better job of maintaining a consistent and focused story, especially in Seasons 1 and 2 than BSD, with almost no filler content.  There aren’t nearly as many open plot threads or divergences from the main story, and everyone introduced has a very cohesive purpose to the plot. This may largely be due to the fact that K was originally envisioned as a complete story, with the movie Return of Kings and season 2’s Missing Kings and other added materials being, somewhat, after thoughts consequently ordered due to the popularity of the show. Season 2 does offer a very decisive end to the tale, with the destruction of the Dresden Slate, mysterious source of all supernatural power. On the other hand, BSD is an ongoing serialized manga with no set beginning or ending that we, as the audience, are aware.  BSD’s author, Asagiri Kafka, isn’t telling a self-contained story with a determined beginning, middle, and end, so often times characters and plot devices are introduced which may not have bearing on the current arc of the story, they hint at things to come. This might be frustrating for viewers that aren’t interested in long-term serialized works, which does have the tendency to fall victim to filler episodes in attempt to make a certain quota or make up for any lulls in the story.

That being said, BSD, thus far, does a lot better with world.

In K, the concepts of Clans and Kings, the Dresden Slate, and the Swords of Damocles are never fully fleshed out satisfactorily, to the point that aspects of it feel completely illogical, convoluted, and conveniently there merely to move the plot forward. Fantasy stories are generally under no obligation to provide explanations for where magic abilities come from, K makes an attempt with the Dresden Slate, but overreaches with an established protocol of Kings and Clans in regards to these powers with no explanation for where or why these rules manifested or why anyone feels obligated to follow them. For example, the Red King Mikoto is not shown to care too much for being a King, or even wanting obligations to his Clan, yet he maintains it and his Clansmen show loyalty to it, and there’s no explanation beyond “well that’s just the way the Dresden Slate works”.  That would be fine, if this wasn’t established as the expectation of anyone who is “awoken” as a King. In that same vein, a lot isn’t really clarified in terms of what really happens to Clansmen when their King dies (Clansmen are shown to still maintain powers granted from their former King but that’s just speculation from viewers, and doesn’t make sense if there powers stem from their Kings) and what is meant to happen when a new King takes their place (though we do see Clansmen turn on the new Blue King, in regards to Munakata taking over Jin Hibari’s role, or choosing to continue following the new Red King, as we see in HOMRA with Anne taking Mikoto’s place). Worse, these rules are just universally known in a world that isn’t supposed to know about these Clans and Kings, leaving no one to explain these rules to newly awakened Kings although these rules are shown to be universally known and accepted by them. More questions than answers are raised.

In BSD, people being born with or manifesting abilities is shown to just be a facet of this world. It’s just one of the physical laws, much like how the sky is blue, grass is green, some people can conjure demons that kill you. This is just the world they live in, and in that sense, the people in this world are the ones that determine the rules that govern these abilities without expectation. This treats us to various different ideas and philosophies for how ability users should apply their abilities or how the users themselves should be managed. The government attempts to regulate ability users, through licensure for organizations that wish to operate as ability user specific. This provided a cool storyline where we see Port Mafia obtain its license to operate as an ability user organization during the Dark Era, through nefarious plotting on leader, Mori’s part, which also highlighted that the Port Mafia is a criminal organization because prior to obtaining this license they were operating without one. We also see the Armed Detective Agency undergo a plot to take their license away, and since they are the morally upright group, in their minds, losing their license means they will cease to exist. This places explanation firmly on the goals of their given society, something that is relatable and understandable for readers, and shifts it away from the realm of unexplainable and increasingly convoluted magic.

On the flipside of that, however, K does a much better job of balancing powers. Which brings me Nakahara Chuuya.

I’ll throw this disclaimer in here, Chuuya is my favorite character. I fell in love at first sight. Unfortunately, he gets little to no screen time, I could count on one hand his number of appearances throughout the first two seasons. He gets three episodes at the start of Season 3 that explores his history with Dazai, and I feel I’m in no way biased (**cough, cough** 100% biased) saying these are the best three episodes of the season. Then we see him maybe in two more episodes until he gets trapped in a book for the rest of the season, leaving me screaming furiously at the screen. Manga chapters that go beyond where the anime left off are not filling me with much hope for more Chuuya in Season 4. Seriously, I don’t recommend loving this character, you’ll only get your heart broken.

The problem with Chuuya that becomes rampant throughout BSD in other characters, is that he’s a side character for a rival organization and he is super OP. Since the creator seems adamantly against making him a more main character (either as antagonist or protagonist…hell, majority of his appearances have been to literally save the day for the heroes), not to mention the lack of anyone in our heroes’ corner that could reasonably take him on (even Dazai is outmatched despite his nullifying ability, because Chuuya also happens to be Port Mafia’s best martial artist) the only recourse is to leave him conveniently absent from majority of the story. Which, okay, this can mostly be explained away that he’s an Executive in Port Mafia and probably has a lot to deal with in terms of making sure their operations continue to move smoothly, but it leads to ludicrous scenarios such as the end of the Guild Arc when a whale sized airship is being dropped on Yokohama by the Guild. We’re told this ship will wipe out a large portion of the city. At this point, the Detective Agency and Port Mafia are on semi-good terms in order to stand against their common enemy, the Guild. You would think, large object being dropped on the city, Port Mafia has a powerful gravity manipulator on staff...one phone call to Dr. Mori, “Hey...do you mind sending Chuuya to take care of that whale bomb....or are you just cool with the city being flattened?” All Chuuya needs to do is parachute down, once he touches the ship, he could tear the whole thing apart and fling its pieces to every side of the ocean. They call it a day in thirty seconds, tops, back home for dinner. Yet, for some odd reason, the course of action that the Armed Detective Agency decides on is to send rookie agent tiger boy to infiltrate the ship and fight his way to a possible transponder they can use to reverse the ship’s course, despite having little experience, and no specialized abilities for the task, let’s not get started on the ridiculousness of that transponder anyways. This decision is based largely on the fact he once was held prisoner on the ship and so…should know his way around? I get that they supposedly don’t want to owe Port Mafia, but this kind of seemed like an odd time to play loose and fast with the city’s safety. The point is, Chuuya is powerful, which makes his lack of presence during crucial moments pretty heavy handed.

That being said, however, this OP situation, is a problem throughout with other characters as well. There’s no balance of powers, and characters are shown to do things that don’t fall within the realm of their abilities, may never have previously been display or given proper explanation prior to introduction, and sometimes comes across as just thrown in last minute as a plot device. A few examples, able to transform into a tiger also, somehow allows Atsushi to heal at a rapid level and regrow limbs. Forget about the implications that he’s got some “special” light attached to his ability, as well. In a recent chapter of the manga, we see a newly introduced character, one of the Hunting Dogs, slap a bullet out of the air and stop a large projectile with her bare hands. Her ability, however, is age manipulation so there’s no given reason why she should’ve been able to do those things. While it is mentioned that the Hunting Dogs are also genetically engineered, she did this to save another Hunting Dog who is duly is surprised by her actions and expresses that he could not have done the same. I’m baffled. This is to say nothing of the multiple time characters without regenerative or durable abilities are stabbed, blown up, and impaled, only to walk it off like it’s nothing. The Agency healer, Yosano, has an ability called Thou Shalt Not Die, she can heal someone but only when they’re on the brink of death, so her ability is essentially that trope in action films where the bomb is always disarmed with one second to spare. Let’s not even talk about the new revelation that Dazai can control his heart beats to the point he can use it for passing secret code. It becomes plot armor so thick that it entirely erases the stakes for our characters. They’re all treated as practically immortal, able to overcome anything thrown at them, I’m not even worried anymore when a character takes a lance through the heart, I know he’s walking it off in the next scene.

K is a lot more balanced with its abilities. None of the characters, outside of the Kings, feel so overpowered that they are impossible to stop and they’re not shown to be capable of things outside of their given abilities or established, and might I say reasonable, skillsets.  Even the Kings have their peers in the other Kings. Sure, Clansmen can dodge bullets, but if they’re hit by one it hurts and, notably in the case of Totsuka, it can kill. No one is getting impaled multiple times then walking it off. Mikoto is run through with a blade once, and as it should be, he dies. Not only does this maintain the stakes for our characters – they are at the end of the day mortal, and they can get hurt, they can be beaten, they can die – it also gives us a more complicated, and darker story with characters that we can relate to on an emotional level.

Read Part 3

[consciouskingdom]

Surviving R. Kelly....

This was hard to watch. Since the six part series premiered on Lifetime it has created a firestorm and we as a people have got to unpack all of this! To begin: I believe Every. Single.One. Of. These. WOMEN! And we ALL should.......BUT we don’t..... because the painful cries of Black Women fall on deaf ears. The series featured personal accounts from everyone including his security guards, back up dancers, his own brothers and most importantly, the survivors of his abuse. Their vivid and descriptive depictions of what they endured set social media on fire and everyone had an opinion to share. For everyone writing post, sharing memes blaming young black girls or still in support of Robert Kelly in any way - please read the following bullet points and get your life!

· Young Black Girls are not “FAST”, They are prematurely overly-sexualized, manipulated and preyed upon.

We can not attack young black girls for “seducing” older men. I’ve seen the memes shared with captions demeaning teenage girls that had older “boyfriends” picking them up from the high school parking lot...everyone is laughing & sharing their memories of this but ignoring the fact that these same men are aware of their power over a younger woman and exploiting it for benefit. A dominant dynamic is established when someone such as a young girl in poverty/lack thereof to basic necessities encounters a manipulator who will target that and use it to their advantage. Most of these young girls were thinking with a scarcity perspective fueled by desperation, craving more out of life and unfortunately predators were the respondents to their pleas as opposed to someone who could help.  These type of men willingly and strategically use their age, money and perceived power to manipulate a younger naive mind. Preying on their need for emotional attention, financial support and validation; young girls are met with psychological brain washing tactics that they are in no way prepared to fight against.   As early as I can remember - my body changed as I matured and older adult men were the first to comment and notice it. “Oh girl, you really starting to fill out”.....”You getting some hips and legs on you”...”You grown up now”.....”Come on over here and give me a hug, let me look at you”...comments like these occurred at family events, school and even my church growing up. Young black girls are objectified and violated in plain sight! And unfortunately because of that mindset that translates to our bodies are disposable and serve as an object of pleasure - no one acknowledges the pain endured when our innocence is stolen before we can even fully comprehend the full implications of the actions that are transpiring. Ask any black woman you know, she has a story in her childhood where this or something similar has occurred. The common misconception is that because it happens so often, the young girl is to blame because she is being “fast” or “frisky” and pursuing an older man but we ignore what the older man is doing to persuade and manipulate her to be there in the first place! Stop labeling her a whore, slut, fast or frisky! A young girl could be as "fast" as Sonic the Hedgehog but no child is promiscuous enough to entice an older person into being intimate with him/her if that older person did not have an attraction to children initially. We never question the motives of the predator but question the actions of those being preyed upon. In victim blaming, we blatantly ignore the psychological damage that young girls and women are suffering through daily. Predators are stealing their innocence resulting in damage to their self esteem and their ability to have agency over one's own body and life. That type of damage will literally permeate every aspect of her life until she is able to heal. Many who endure sexual traumas hide their hurt in the nearest bottle or whatever substance will numb the pain as they spend their lives drowning in shame. 60% of young black girls have been sexually violated before the age of 18 and the Black community can not just keep dismissing it as  “Oh, She just acting grown.”

·  “Consent” received from coercion and manipulation of a naive underage mind makes it null & void!

Many opinions argue that the women involved all participated willingly - I Call Bullshit! Within the black family that type of ideology runs rampant. By definition, consent is to give permission for something to happen or an agreement to do something. If someone is granting their permission for a sexual act to occur but it’s prompted by emotional manipulation, promises to aid in career advancement, physical abuse and fear: That’s. Not. Consent! Young black girls in under-served and inner cities are in circumstances in which older men are preying on their naïve nature, immaturity and survival needs. Living in poverty creates a scarcity mindset that forces you to result to desperate measures for basic necessities and financial support. Aside from being under the influence of substances I believe there is nothing stronger than being under the influence of mind manipulation. R. Kelly used vulnerability, power, money and persuasion to ultimately create their dynamic; just as an older family member or someone’s boyfriend will offer money and attention in the midst of their abuse of a young girl. Molestation followed by providing money and/or physical abuse is a form of control, NOT CONSENT! A known pimp & womanizer once said “Any boy can control a girl’s body but a Grown Man can control her mind” To see the parents of Joycelyn Savege and Domonique Gardner crying out for their daughters, popping up on Kelly's residences seeking their children was heartbreaking. They wouldn't speak to their families because that's how deep psychological manipulation is, its classic "Pimp" culture and was  heartbreaking to watch. The survivors are not to blame here! (Yes I'm saying it AGAIN just in case you missed it in the last paragraph)

· R Kelly’s personal experience with sexual abuse is a deflection tactic & does not justify him repeating the cycle.

During the series, R Kelly’s brother admitted that he and his brother were both molested as children. My heart mourns for all black children who endure sexual, physical, emotional abuse. We NEED to discuss the sexual abuse Black boys go through as well! Black boys are sexualized as early and often as young girls.  Calling a young black boy “sexy” or your “boyfriend” or stating you’ll be waiting for him when he turns 18 is predatory behavior. Unfortunately society encourages it when it’s revealed that a teenage boy has slept with an older woman but it’s still perverted! A real discussion about sexual abuse with black boys and the trauma they endure must occur BUT not at the expense of Black girls. During the series his own brother, Bruce Kelly, stated Kelly's attraction to young girls were a “preference”. Pedophilia isn't a preference, its a choice! Truly examine the amount of time, effort, money and energy put into creating the "pimp" dynamic of power that Kelly enforced; that's intentional, calculated and strategic. Being a victim to sexual trauma and knowing the damage it caused, could lead to a mindset of NOT repeating those same heinous activities....R Kelly didn't make that choice. He is wealthy, he could have pursued counseling/therapy and he didn't. To use his own abuse as an excuse is a defense tactic, his predatory ways cannot be justified because of a traumatic upbringing. This is precisely why I constantly stress the importance of therapy and counseling. The entire Kelly family needs help to not perpetuate this cycle.

· You can not separate the artist from the “art” when the art is a detailed description of his perverse actions and predatory lifestyle.

Seeing the comments online still crowning him as the “King Of R&B” literally sickened me. I personally recall being taught “I Believe I Can Fly” in elementary school, flapping my arms to scream the empowering lyrics. I recall my Mom cleaning our entire house with his songs crooning as we all sang along as I washed the baseboards. R Kelly provided a soundtrack for our lives. As much as we love “Step In the Name of Love” We absolutely must step away from this nigga! We can’t turn a blind eye to his actions because we love his musical genius. His security guards, producers who have worked with him, background vocalist and dancers ALL confirmed he had multiple bedrooms intentionally installed in his musical production studios. Read that again… he had multiple bedrooms *IN* the music studio…meaning he was sexually engaging and abusing young girls in between song takes. One of the survivors revealed that Kelly penned “You Are Not Alone” for Michael Jackson detailing her miscarriage of Kelly’s child while she was 17. Analyzing the lyrics he had Aaliyah sing for her debut single: “Boy be brave, don't be afraid, Cause tonight we're gonna, go all the way. Don't mean to be bold, gotta let you know, I gotta thing for you, and I can't let go my.. Age ain't nothing but a number, throwing down ain't nothing but a thang, This loving I have for you it'll never change”......

I know the music is catchy but don't compartmentalize just to serve what benefits you and undermines the severity of damage these women endured.

There is absolutely no way we can continue to separate the art from the artist when his art depicts the life he manifest and the young girls who are a part of it!

· Everyone surrounding Aaliyah during her time with him had concerns but no one took action!

A stage manager, his body guards, his entourage, his family, producers who created music for her, friends of Liyah who were also background dancers and toured with her all witnessed her relationship with Kelly. Per the docuseries, they all stated they had concerns but no action occurred to protect her. The bodyguard openly admitted he forged documents to aid in their marriage; at the time Aaliyah was only 15 years old. After Aaliyah's mother heard the background dancer Jovante Cunningham openly stated she saw Kelly having sex with Aaliyah she immediately denied it in a statement stating she and her husband were always with Aaliyah as she toured. With all respect to the Haughton family and the legacy of Aaliyah, her family failed her and everyone around her failed her. It seems her mother is afraid to admit the truth of this situation, not every parent can be around their teenagers 24/7 and that's okay. BUT don't shame others for speaking their TRUTH. It dawned on me after watching the details be described that perhaps he likely married Aaliyah so that she could get an abortion without having to get parental consent. If a murder is committed and someone witnesses it - they are an accessory to the crime. I'm demanding a legal reform that applies the same logic to everyone who enabled R Kelly!

After we've watched the episodes and read the countless memes, status post and tweets let us remember: Listen to Black WOMEN! Tears don't flow that easily nor does pain resonate in someone's voice like that without reason. Even if you deny the claims, we have legal documents that show Robert Sylvester Kelly married Aaliyah when she was 15. You can be pro-black and still hold Black men and women accountable for their wrongdoings.  A black girl’s life is more important than some hit songs. I commend dream hampton and the superb cinematic efforts she executed in creating this docu-series! It highlights a truth so basic it pains me that I even have to state it: Anything that harms Black Women harms black PEOPLE in our entirety....and R Kelly must be added to that list.

Bye Robert, Get some help!

(Note: If this was triggering for you or you need someone to talk to, please email us at ConsciousKingdomCK@gmail.com, confidentiality guaranteed...I love you)

ShopConsciousKingdom.com

[keplerinorbit]

Judgment: Shono Yoji

Continuing from my previous post about RGG Studios and their troubles with developing a well-rounded antagonist! I’m going to go in-depth on Shono Yoji, who isn’t the final combat boss but still looms over the entire story of Judgment. Again, heavy endgame spoilers ahead.

Shono’s endgame reveal is probably the best of any RGG game so far. He is genuinely fascinating from the moment he’s shown to us on-screen, and makes us very suspicious. Despite this, his withdrawn nature and his almost fearful way of interacting with everyone that confronts him makes us reluctant to think of him as the final puppet master.

( One of the early dialogue options actually has Yagami ask Shono if he’s frightened of Kido, which in the latter half of the game becomes a laughable notion. )

His character anchors the theme that a sympathetic human being with fundamentally good intentions can still be motivated to do horrible things. One of the best parts about his character is that his fear during the trial 3 years ago was genuine. The murder was an accident, and he panicked to cover it up.

His continued wariness over the years wasn’t fear of Kido, Ichinose, or even Kuroiwa– it was a fear of himself. A fear that perhaps what he did was not redeemable. That he had sacrificed his own morality for nothing in the end.

Just like Yagami, who couldn’t come to terms with the idea that he may have been wrong all those years ago when he got Okubo acquitted, Shono couldn’t come to terms with the idea that the murders he committed could be wrong. Yagami learned to face those fears again, while Shono never did. He just kept digging himself deeper and deeper.

Shono is at the heart of Judgment’s morality– he’s the darkness in everyone, a darkness pervasive in society as a whole. He believes that what he is doing is just, and others are drawn to that. They are willing to protect it, even as the cost grows higher and higher.

( At one point Mafuyu mentions that she understands where Morita was coming from considering his history. Yagami reminds her that it doesn’t matter what his motivation was. He was simply turning his eyes away away from a horrifying reality. )

But because of this, my biggest problem with Shono’s character comes from the murder of Terasawa Emi. The reveal that he personally killed her, before anyone else was involved, through the extremely violent and unforgivable method of stabbing her multiple times, injecting Okubo with alcohol, burning down the apartment...it was disappointing.

For starters, it just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. It’s not so ridiculous that it breaks your suspension of disbelief while playing, but thinking about it afterwards makes things weird.

He had to know about Okubo’s sleeping meds and gamble on the fact the Okubo wasn’t going to wake up to identify him while he injected Okubo, stabbed Emi to death, set the apartment on fire, and make his getaway.

To put this into perspective, Okubo was so close to the body that blood is splattered all over him when the police walk him out of the apartment. Emi had to have been dragged screaming out of the same bed as him and then proceed to be stabbed to death next to his body.

He had to make sure he could do all of this, including getting in and out of the apartment, without leaving any traces he was there. This apartment wasn’t in the middle of nowhere– these people had neighbors (they’re all standing around the building in that cutscene).

To add onto this, Okubo didn’t die in the fire– the police walks him out while he’s still conscious. This means that the police most likely arrived relatively soon after the fire started. Okubo either woke up on his own and managed to protect himself from the smoke, or someone called the police very quickly after the fire started.

Okubo managed to make it out alive and insisted that he didn’t kill Emi. Whatever investigation the police or prosecution put up for this murder, they didn’t detect anything. Shono is not a trained killer like Kuroiwa– his first murder, which wasn’t too long ago, was literally done in a state of panic.

There are possible explanations and excuses you can make, but overall it’s not the most believable sequence in the game.

Having said that, I don’t normally mind plot twists that push our suspension of disbelief. RGG games are rife with these, and they’re great, dramatic ways to raise the stakes or reveal aspects of the characters’ true nature. But this twist, this monstrous side of Shono, undermines the thematic weight of his character.

Because here’s the thing: Shono doesn’t have to dirty his hands for us to find him monstrous. He is most dangerous when he doesn’t dirty his hands, when we, as the audience, want to sympathize with him the way Mafuyu sympathized with Morita. When he is genuinely scared and horrified by himself when he murders a patient in panic, we can understand him.

This is the human part of him, a reminder that he never wanted to be evil. It is the encouragement by those in power like Ichinose and the existence of skilled hitmen like Kuroiwa that allowed him to embrace that monster inside him.

Judgment is not just the story of a single man’s warped morality. It is about a system and society that allows for that type of warped morality to manifest in terrible, terrible ways. It is about how members of that society, like Yagami and Morita, often choose to turn their eyes away and run from the truth when they’re forced to question their own belief about justice.

That’s why I was so disappointed.

Shono showing us that he was already a monstrous man willing to brutally kill an innocent girl is a twist that isn’t very clever, doesn’t further the story, and doesn’t add weight to Shono’s character.

It’s just part of Judgment’s inability to commit to the hard thematic questions of justice and morality. Instead, it forces characters into absolute good and evil categories so that Yagami, and the audience, never have to doubt.

[themostrandomfandom]

Hi! I found your blog the TKTD, and that fic and your theories have highkey gotten me back into glee :D your content is so interesting, thank you so much! I haven't read all of your analyses yet, so I may have missed something, but I'm still wondering a couple things 1. why did Brittany fail senior year? You've written a lot about her not being dumb (despite her intelligence being non-normative), and we know she's able to do at least very advanced math. It seems like her primary goal would be...

To move to the next stage of life with Santana, so why wasn’t avoiding failing out a bigger priority for her? Furthermore, as someone who was so involved with extracurriculars (Cheerios, glee), she must’ve needed to maintain reasonable grades to avoid academic suspension. So avoiding failing seems like something that would be on her radar? and 2. do you think brittany dropped the ‘if sex were dating santana and i would be dating’ line on purpose?

Hey, @savealtonrichards​​!

Sorry it’staken me so long to answer you! I don’t have much internet access these days.:p

If you’re infor a good ramble, it’s under the cut.

(WARNING:Here be griping about Glee writing—as one does.)

___

First thingsfirst:

Theout-of-universe stuff.

Glee is a show that’s difficult to categorize because while it ostensibly takes place withina realistic fictional universe (as opposed to say a fantasy or science fictionone), there are times when it noticeably deviates from reality.

Though thecharacters seemingly live in suburban Ohio in the early 2010s and areregular human beings living “regular lives,” there are certain aspects of theirexistences that absolutely strain credulity (even when one actively tries tosuspend disbelief).

Some ofthese breaches are obvious, like when Lord Tubbington is shown as being capableof using a computer. However, others manifest more as gaps in logic—the typesof minor “glitches” in believability that cause the viewing audience to go,“Wait a minute. That’s not how that plot development would play out in reallife.”

One exampleof this second type of breach is how between S4 and S6, the young charactersliving in New York, most of whom are supposedly tight on money, arenevertheless able to jet set back and forth to Lima seemingly every otherweekend, as if plane and train tickets are free and travel takes no time orenergy at all. Another is that Sue Sylvester could do all of the illegal,immoral, and just flat-out batshit insane things she does without ever being firedor prosecuted. Still another is that nineteen and twenty year-old kids likeBlaine, Finn, and Sam could be hired to coaching positions at their respectivehigh school alma maters, even though none of them holds a college degree orteaching certificate.

The breachin realism that is pertinent to our discussion has to do with Brittany’sacademic history—which as depicted in show canon is replete with gaps and holesand just doesn’t make much sense.

In episode1x07, we are told that for years Sue has been doctoring the grades of herCheerios, including perhaps Brittany’s. However, even after Will puts his footdown and flunks many of their teammates, the Unholy Trinity, including Brittany,continues to attend Cheerios practice. They are the only Cheerios who do.

How theyalone of the whole squad retain their academic eligibility is not clear.Santana may not be taking Spanish, as she’s not shown in the class. However,Quinn and Brittany most definitely are, so either they must be passing (whiletheir teammates are not) or else Will must have decided against giving them thefailing grades they would otherwise deserve, perhaps because he doesn’t want torender them ineligible for glee club.

WillSchuester is nothing if not a hypocrite, so honestly I wouldn’t put it past himto walk that particular low road.

In any case,the show never really clarifies to what extent Brittany may rely on Sue tomaintain a passing GPA.

ThroughoutS1, Brittany is reported to cheat off of Becky’s schoolwork in math class (seeepisode 1x09) and is shown attempting to cheat off of Quinn’s tests in Spanishclass (see episode 1x07), incidents which suggest that she does at timesstruggle with academic performance during her sophomore year. 

However, herstruggles are not explored in depth, and her continued eligibility for theCheerios would indicate that either she somehow manages to make passing grades,struggles notwithstanding, or else that interference from Sue renders herstruggles moot.  

Kurt alsoreports that Finn sometimes cheats off of Brittany’s math assignments (seeepisode 1x10). We don’t know if this cheating represents an isolatedincident or a pattern of behavior. However, if it’s the second option, then given that Finn maintains his academiceligibility for football even after having cheated off Brittany’s work, andconsidering that, unlike with Brittany, Sue is unlikely to have doctored Finn’sgrades, we can perhaps surmise that Brittany at least occasionally managesto earn passing grades on her own.

Even if Sueis pulling strings to keep Brittany on the field, come S2, the situationchanges, as in episode 2x11 Brittany quits Cheerios, at which point whatever“help” Sue had been giving her is almost certainly rescinded.

Shortlythereafter, in episode 2x13, Brittany remarks that hergrades are bad (“Totally. Most teachers think that by cutting class, I mightimprove my grades”), perhaps suggesting a drop-off due to a cessation in Sue’shelp. 

Even so, it would still seem that Brittany isn’t altogether failing, asshe apparently passes the eleventh grade and commences thetwelfth grade with the rest of her class.

The shownever specifies to what extent Brittany and the other glee kids must maintaintheir grades in order to stay in show choir. On the one hand, glee club is notan athletic program, so the rules for eligibility may be different than withcheerleading or football. On the other hand, glee club is seemingly anextracurricular activity in which students may “letter,” and it does have itsown governing board and competition requirements, so perhaps its eligibilityrequirements are similar or even identical to those for prep sports. To whatextent there may be “house rules” specific to WMHS as opposed to district orstatewide rules for all competitive show choirs remains unclear.

My guess isthat there’s got to be some kind of statewide threshold for eligibility,particularly as we’re told, per Jesse St. James, that the Carmel High kids in VocalAdrenaline cheat and doctor their grades in order to maximize their practicetime and minimize their schoolwork.

Whatever thespecific requirements may be, the fact that Brittany remains eligible toparticipate in glee club throughout her junior year is another point that maysuggest that even without Sue’s interference Brittany maintains a passing GPA. ThatBrittany is eligible to rejoin the Cheerios come her senior year also suggeststhat her eligibility remains intact as she finishes out the eleventh grade.

However,things seem to take a sudden downshift from there, both in terms of Brittany’sprospects and in terms of narrative sense-making.  

Come S3, we arefinally told that Brittany has a 0.0 GPA, though it’s never specified if that’sher semester, yearlong, or cumulative GPA. My guess is that it’s the secondoption, given that Brittany is told she must repeat the twelfth grade (asopposed to just making up a few credits during summer school or repeating multiplegrades).

That said,the situation surrounding her failure remains murky.

Prior to S3,Brittany has seemingly maintained a passing GPA, as is evidenced by heraforementioned progress through her freshman, sophomore, and junior years ofhigh school and her continued academic eligibility to participate in Cheeriosand glee club.

However, theshow never reveals how she has come by this passing GPA.

Our threemain options for explaining this phenomenon seem to be:

We can infer that Sue hasmanipulated Brittany’s grades in order to keep her academically eligible forvarsity sports.

We can infer that Brittanyhas achieved passing grades through her own efforts.

We can infer that perhaps somecombination of the above two options has taken place (i.e., that Sue hasmanipulated some of her grades, while others she earned through her ownefforts).

On the onehand, the show heavily implies that Brittany is a very poor student who wouldprobably be incapable of passing her classes if not for Sue manipulating thesystem on her behalf. On the other hand, given that Brittany maintains academiceligibility for Cheerios even when Will flunks many of her teammates in hersophomore year AND that she spends a significant portion of her junior year offthe Cheerios and still manages to pass, it would seem that Brittany is able tomake grades even during the times when Sue isn’t propping her up.

The questionsthen become: If Brittany can pass the eleventh grade “on her own,” then whydoes she fail the twelfth grade? Furthermore, how come Brittany is allowed toremain on the Cheerios and in glee club even once her grades start slipping?Why does her failure only come to light after it is essentially too late forher (or anyone else) to do anything about the problem? How come Sue, who hasnever had any qualms about manipulating her cheerleaders’ grades in the past,seemingly “allows” Brittany to fail her senior year? How come not a singleteacher or counselor at WMHS makes any efforts to help Brittany, even thoughshe is obviously struggling?

After all, Brittany’s 0.0 GPA seems to be a reflection of a chronic problem.

The firsttime we hear about said failing GPA is in episode 3x19, which is the sameepisode that features the WMHS senior prom.

For mostAmerican public high schools, prom takes place anywhere between March and June,which means that somehow Brittany is allowed to fail for at least one or two fullsemesters (or, more likely, given that many Midwestern American public schoolstend to run on the quarter system, two or even three full quarters) before Figgins tells her what’s up.

The school thenseemingly takes no action—at least as we see play out on screen—to helpBrittany course-correct for the final semester or two quarters of her senioryear.

She’s notput on academic monitoring or probation. She’s not assigned a tutor. MissPillsbury doesn’t set up any meetings with her to discuss her options or determineher future. No one writes her an IEP. She just crashes and burns until the endof the year, at which point she fails to graduate.

It strainscredulity that in today’s day and age Brittany could flunk out as “quietly” asshe did, without anyone—including her parents, coaches, guidance counselor,and/or girlfriend—realizing she was in trouble at any point along the way.

Where werethe midterm progress reports? The report cards? The summonses to MissPillsbury’s office? The failed tests that required the signature of her parent orguardian? Santana glimpsing an F on her Spanish essay and ripping Mr. Schue agoddamn new one because who is he to tell Brittany she isn’t conjugating verbsright when he can’t tell his own ass from an ñ?

Shouldn’tsomeone somewhere along the way have noticed something was wrong while therewas still time enough left to do something about it—and particularlyconsidering that Brittany is not only a student but a student athlete?

Per the OhioHigh School Athletic Association, a student must earn “passing grades in aminimum of five one-credit courses, or the equivalent, in the immediatelypreceding grading period” of athletic competition in order to be eligible toparticipate in a varsity sport, so in theory, after she fails that first term,Brittany shouldn’t be able to compete as part of the Cheerios squad at all, letalone be one of the senior leaders.

For therecord, the real life school districts in Lima, OH require a minimum GPAbetween 2.5 and 3.0 for student athletes.

One has towonder: Where is Sue in all this? How come she doesn’t intervene once she seesthat first bad report card?

After all,Sue has no qualms concerning academic dishonesty. By her own admission, she’s meddledwith her cheerleaders’ grades for years. Why shouldn’t she simply meddle in this case, too? Wouldn’tit be in her best interest to keep Brittany eligible to compete?

Come S4, Sueherself blames a “haze of pregnancy hormones” for preventing her from noticingBrittany’s S3 academic nosedive (see episode 4x02). Another contributory factor to her negligence may be her vicious congressionalcampaign against Reggie Salazar and Burt Hummel.

However,that Sue would allow Brittany to fail still presents a narrative problem, nomatter what her excuses for doing so may be, because the fact remains that academiceligibility is an issue that extends beyond her sole purview.

OnceBrittany fails the first academic quarter of the 2011-2012 schoolyear, shebecomes ineligible to compete in interscholastic competitions. The issue is outof Sue’s hands and into those of the Ohio High School Athletic Association.Some state official somewhere has the responsibility to mark her fileand bar her from any further participation in state cheer events.

—and yetthat never happens.

Somehow,Brittany remains a cheerleader (and member of the glee club) for the duration of the schoolyear, despite not passing a single class.

It’s one ofthose lapses in believability—those “Wait a minute. That’s not how thatdevelopment would happen in real life” instances—that takes Glee out of the realmof passingly realistic fiction and into the realm of exaggeration and camp.

There’s noway that Brittany could fail an entire year of school without facing anyacademic consequences—that’s just not the way that the American school systemworks, particularly when it comes to athletic eligibility.

How comeFiggins only notes Brittany’s failures in springtime? What is going on during the fall and winter?

For the record, episode 3x19 originally aired on May 8th, 2012. Within the universe of the show, the action of the episode may take place on the same date or at least a proximal one.

By allaccounts, someone somewhere along the way should notice what’s going on—if nota faculty member at Brittany’s own school, then some official on an athleticeligibility committee, or a college cheerleading coach scouting Brittany for anNCAA scholarship, or an auditor working for the superintendent, or a rivalcheerleading coach digging for dirt on Sue Sylvester’s stars.

Someone!

But no onedoes.

I mean,that’s what the show purports. 

Figgins knows enough to inform Brittany thatshe’s failing, but he doesn’t do anything to help the situation except to lectureher for neglecting her duties as the senior class president and badger her intoplanning the prom. 

Will and Emma, too focused on rescuing Puck from a similarfate, seemingly remain either oblivious to or unconcerned about Brittany’sacademic woes until she’s on the verge of failing her SECOND consecutive senioryear in S4. 

And Santana? She’s blindsided. Somehow, even though she andBrittany take classes together and meet up during every passing block and spendall of their spare time in each other’s company outside of school, she has noidea that Brittany is in academic jeopardy—not until Brittany springs the newson her at BreadStix just before what should be their joint graduation.

Not untilit’s too late.

That’s canonas TPTB at Glee wrote it.

It makes nogoddamn sense, but it’s what we’re stuck with.

So.

Onto thesecond order of business, then:

Thein-universe stuff.

Returning toyour original questions: Why does Brittany fail her senior year—from asituational and character perspective? How come she doesn’t work harder not tofail?

Though earlyon, Glee at times tried to play Brittany off as an accidental or even dubiousgenius—such as in the scene in episode 4x22 where she’s first shown solvingcomplex equations for the researchers at MIT—they later fully committed to herprodigy, acknowledging it as the real deal.

By episode5x12, Baby Girl is shown as being capable of tackling the Riemann Hypothesis.Her work at MIT is serious. By S6, she’s doing complex math for fun, albeitwith kitty doodles drawn in the margins. The Brittany of episodes 6x03, 6x06,and 6x08 is able to slip in facts and impressive logical arguments alongsideher usual Brittanyisms and one-liners. Her intelligence is no longer subject todebate.

So what’sthe deal with her flunking out of high school? How can someone capable ofprocessing the most complicated calculus there is fail at high school algebra?

Here’s thething: While Brittany is indeed a certified math genius, there’s not always aneat one-to-one correlation between “raw intelligence” and “academicsuccess.”

Lots offolks who are plenty bright—including many who have impressive naturalaptitudes in certain areas—fail in traditional classroom settings, even inclasses that by all accounts they “should be good at.”

Some havebehavioral tendencies that are incompatible with the classroom culture. Others findthe course materials boring, either because they already know the materialbeing taught or else because the material is being taught in a way that isn’tconducive to their learning style. Still others learn at a different pace thanwhat the curriculum may allow for, working either faster or slower. Many simplytest poorly or have trouble focusing. Organizational issues, language barriers,home circumstances (which may interfere with one’s ability to complete homeworkor come to class rested and ready to learn), individual teacher-studentdynamics, problems with bullying at school, health or disability factors, etc.,etc. may also affect one’s ability to “make grades.”

Many of thesmartest people there are have failed in formalized academic settings. Conversely,many people of average or even below average aptitudes have found ways tosucceed in the classroom. Other factors such as one’s work ethic, connection toteachers and mentors, support networks, accommodations, etc. can also impacteducational success.

In Brittany’scase, there are myriad reasons why, despite her certified genius, she fails herclasses.

For onething, WMHS is a substandard learning environment, just to start out with.

Theatmosphere there is toxic. Bullying runs rampant, with the staff either whollyapathetic toward, powerless to intervene in, or even sometimes party to theperpetuation thereof. 

The administration routinely mismanages its resources,spending an inordinate amount of money to support the cheerleading and footballprograms, though lacking certain other necessities—such as a functional specialeducation department, adequate handicap accommodations, and up-to-datetextbooks.

They also hire teachers who are both underqualified (such as Will,who teaches Spanish for years despite not actually speaking the language) andfrequently abusive (such as Sue, who should literally be serving jail time forthe way she treats the student body). 

Multiple times, it’s stated that theirstudents test at below average reading levels. 

While only a small percentage ofwhat Sue says should ever be believed, her claims that she doctors the gradesof her Cheerios to maintain their academic eligibility to participate in avarsity sport are seemingly accurate, as Will and Principal Figgins aver that such is this case. 

Not a single permanentteacher, principal, or guidance counselor at the school, with perhaps theexception of Coach Beiste, appears competent to do their job.

The hijinks ofvarious staff members and students regularly interfere with the learning day.

Rememberthat old post about JennaB. Lacey, the Hogwarts student who just wants to get a proper education but isconstantly prevented from doing so because she has the misfortune of being inthe same year as one Harry Potter, whose adventures and misadventures areconstantly interrupting her lessons and preempting her exams? Just replace “Harry Potter” with “Rachel Berry” or “SueSylvester,” and you’re basically describing the life of your average WMHSstudent.

Though wedon’t spend a lot of time following the New Directions kids through theirregular classes, the few glimpses that we do get suggest that much of thecurriculum they are subjected to is either outdated or else straight upobjectively incorrect.

While theepisode plays the situation for laughs, Holly Holliday’s points about the sexeducation at WMHS being painfully inadequate aren’t at all off the mark. Mrs.Hagberg seems to experience episodes of dementia while teaching (and is aself-admitted painkiller addict). She frequently forgets her spatiotemporallocation and has on occasion been known to teach that the Nazis won WWII. Will speaksSpanglish and buys into racist stereotypes about Latinos. Sue promulgatesconspiracy theories and unsubstantiated revisionist history, purposefullyspreading misinformation as if she were the White House Press Secretary.

Later on, inS6, it’s shown that a complete overhaul is necessary to update the school’stechnology and curriculum in order for the students to start performing up tostandards on their state tests.

—and there’sBrittany, who learns differently than most people do, stuck in the middle ofall of this chaos.

Honestly,it’s a wonder that any of the kids at WMHS achieve any kind of mainstreamacademic success. That Quinn gets into Yale and Tina into Brown is kind of ascholastic miracle, all things considered.

So she’s upagainst a lot of impediments as barriers to her learning just as a baseline.

Then add inher individual difficulties on top of the other stuff.

Brittany’sis a unique mind. It is unclear to what extent book-learning and traditionaleducation work for her. She has a tendency to metaphorize concepts, suggestingthat she is an abstract thinker. Her flair for malapropisms also intimates thather mind is organized in “webs,” with various like-words grouped together byloose strings of associations. Though she is mathematically intelligent, she isalso emotionally intelligent and physically intelligent, as well.

Early on,her genius seems highly intuitive, as she is able to pull numbers out of theair, though she is not always equally able to explain how or by what means she hasdone so. In time, her methods seem to become more examined and deliberate, withtheory underlining what was once a more reflexive capability.

She isperhaps something of an autodidact, able, for instance, to teach herselfSpanish, though she apparently doesn’t fare well in the class in high school.

Though fewpeople on the show, save Santana, realize as much, she frequently runs abouttwo or three steps ahead of everyone else in terms of her conversations andsocial maneuvers. Her zany quips and seemingly innocent demeanor throw peopleoff, to the point where they don’t pick up on just how wily and keen she canbe.

On the onehand, this phenomenon affords her some social leeway—because, after all, she’sjust “Brittany being Brittany.” On the other hand, it sometimes results inthose who fail to understand her talking down to her, infantilizing her, andblowing her off. 

Frequently, both Brittany and the people who engage with herwalk away from their interactions frustrated, Brittany because she’s beencondescended to, her conversation partners because they find herincomprehensible and off-putting. 

So. 

Considerthat many of her teachers—including Will—seem to be confused by the way shetalks and find her irksome to deal with and so tend to be dismissive of herduring classroom discussions.

Because herintelligence is non-normative, a teacher talking about A subject can get her thinkingoff on a tangent about B subject, C subject, and D subject, and pretty soonshe’ll be blurting out a question or comment about Z subject, which from herteacher’s perspective does not relate to the discussion topic at hand and mayeven derail the lesson, distracting the other students. The teacher then eitherreacts to Brittany’s question or comment with annoyance, shutting her down(such as Ms. Hagberg does in episode 3x02); or reacts with bafflement, ignoring her andglossing over what she’s said (such as Will does in episode 1x10). Either way, Brittanydoesn’t get her questions answered or her comments responded to in aconstructive manner, which means that, invariably, she doesn’t get what sheneeds to out of class.

By the timewe first meet her as a sophomore, Brittany’s reputation as a nuisance and“numbskull” precedes her.

Her teachersmake no effort to hide their low opinions of her intelligence.

In episode2x04, everyone ribs Puck for crashing his mom’s car into an ATM and gettingarrested. Brittany joins in the fun, remarking, “He may be the dumbest personon this planet—and that’s coming from me.” Though the moment is generallyjocular, the fact that Brittany’s teacher Will says nothing to defend her toherself speaks volumes. The incident is also not an isolated one, as later inthe season, in episode 2x17, Will directly questions Brittany’s intelligence toher face (“I get the three of you being on [the Brainiacs], but Brittany?”).

Tack on allthe instances when he responds to Brittany’s comments during rehearsals (andeven her later “cries for help” during S4) with bafflement at best and disdainat worst, plus the way he clearly talks down to her as if she were a youngchild rather than a teenager, and there’s no question that he thinks she’s adolt.

And he’s notthe only member of the WMHS faculty who feels that way, either.

SueSylvester is likewise a serial offender when it comes to calling Brittany dumband infantilizing her. Ditto for Hagberg and Figgins. Though we don’t get tosee Brittany interacting with many other members of the staff aside fromSheldon Beiste, Holly Holliday, and Shelby Corcoran—the last two of whom areonly at the school briefly—it stands to reason that there are other teacherswho share the same negative attitude toward her that the featured teachers do.  

At onepoint, Brittany even says that her teachers have told her that her grades mightactually improve if she were to slough her classes.

Brittany’s“stupidity” is widely viewed as a given.

Time andtime again, the show depicts people taking her intelligence for granted andassuming the worst of her capabilities. Such attitudes undoubtedly influencethe way that her teachers approach educating her. If a smart kid like Quinn orArtie isn’t grasping a concept, then teachers will try changing their pedagogyup, teaching the lesson in a different, more effective way. The same is trueeven for an average student like Mercedes. If she’s struggling, a teacher’simpulse will be to show her patience because there’s a good chance thateventually (with some hard work and extra credit) she’ll get it. But not so with Brittany, whom most teachers seem to viewas an idiot. Why slow down a class for her? Why assign different readings? Whytutor her after school? Their assumption is that she is a lost cause.

Sue potentiallydoctoring her grades—and those of the other Cheerios—also exacerbates theproblem.

Thoseteachers who are aware of Sue’s meddling, and especially the ones who have beenbullied by her into being complicit, may feel a lessened sense of obligation toreally teach Brittany or attempt to accurately evaluate her learning because,after all, no matter how Brittany performs, she’s going to be handed a passinggrade in their classes anyway.

Conversely,those teachers who remain unaware of Sue’s meddling may believe that givingBrittany a failing grade will result in meaningful academic consequences forher, which will then lead to her getting the help and attention she needsvis-à-vis the systems that are in place to prevent kids from “falling throughthe cracks.”

Of course,because Sue changes Brittany’s grades after the fact, Brittany never receivesany such help.

The systemsdon’t attend to her. Nothing in her file gets flagged. No one pulls her aside.She just gets passed along from year to year and class to class without anyoneever really taking an interest in her learning.

Either way,she’s left ill-equipped to succeed in high school.

On top ofeverything else, Brittany may also have an undiagnosed learning disability,such as ADHD or ASD. Though of course the show never states that she does havea disability (undiagnosed or not), some neurodivergent fans see in Brittany a kindred spirit whose experiences inthe public school system resemble their own.

It’sdefinitely possible that she could benefit from some accommodations.

But as faras we know, they’re never offered to her—not only because, as we learn from Sueregarding Becky Jackson, WMHS doesn’t offer special education classes, but alsobecause everyone thinks that she’s just “Brittany being Brittany,” and she’s a hopelesscase from the get-go.

So howeversmart Brittany may naturally be, she’s got alot stacked against her at WMHS, including antagonistic teachers, theabysmally low expectations people set for her, Sue’s interference with hergrades (and then the sudden cessation of that interference), her non-normativelearning strategies, and other possible factors.

Add in thatduring her senior year, she’s also dealing with some extra pressures outside ofthe classroom, and what we have is a recipe for a disaster.

Note: Ofcourse, the show deprives us of hearing Brittany talk about the aftermath ofSantana’s outing, suspension, and disowning in her own words, but HeatherMorris’s nonverbal cues show that Brittany’s upset during this period is hardfelt. It’s a stressful time in Brittany’s life, and even after the initialwounds have healed somewhat, Brittany still devotes much of mental andemotional energy to trying to ameliorate the situation, to keep Santana in agood place, to help her smile, and carry on. That’s not to say that Brittana’srelationship or Brittany’s efforts to make Santana happy cause Brittany to failher classes. It’s just to say that Brittany’s senior year is one in which shehas a lot on her mind beyond the regular cares of just being a teenager.

Thesituation as it is, it’s perhaps unsurprising that she should struggle.

However, thequestion still remains: Why doesn’t she ask for help?

No one, includingher parents, teachers, or girlfriend, seems to notice she’s academicallydrowning until it’s too late. But just because they don’t notice on their owndoesn’t mean that Brittany can’t alert them to the situation, right? So whydoesn’t she turn to Mr. Schue and say, “I need some extra help on my historyhomework,” or confide in her parents that she’s just bombed another Englishexam, or ask Santana if they can perhaps study for chemistry class together?Wouldn’t it be in her best interest to do so? Shouldn’t she want to graduate sothat she can get on with her life (and follow Santana)? Why not just reach outto someone?

Easier saidthan done.

Brittany hasspent her whole life being disparaged for “not being smart enough.” Is shereally going to admit she’s struggling to many of the same people who are activelycontributing to her struggles?

Sure,ostensibly, Mr. Schue is her teacher, and he’s supposedly an advocate for her.But can she really turn to someone who has routinely made her feel like anidiot and confess to him that she’s not understanding her classes—andespecially when she’s fully aware that, even if she were to ask him for help,he is probably not the best person to offer it, considering that he’s not actuallya qualified teacher?

The samegoes for Sue, who habitually preys upon Brittany’s vulnerabilities and has beenknown to blackmail students whenever she has any sort of leverage over them.Brittany would have to be an even bigger fool than the one people take her forin order to ask a favor of a megalomaniac of Sue’s caliber.

If Brittanywere to turn to her, the best case scenario would be that she would once againresort to doctoring Brittany’s report card—which is not necessarily an outcomethat Brittany wants. The worst case scenario would be that she would find someway to make Brittany’s life hell for having even approached her.

Brittany has to wonder: Is there any good that could come of prompting Sue totake action if she hasn’t already done so (unprompted) yet?

Not evenEmma is a safe bet, considering that she seems completely oblivious toBrittany’s plight, even though it is literally her job to be on top of it.

She doesn’t pushWill to include Brittany in his Saturday Night Fever competition alongsideFinn, Mercedes, and Santana (see episode 3x16). She isn’t present to participatein the “come to Jesus” meeting Figgins calls Brittany in for before the prom (seeepisode 3x19). Nowhere along the line does she show any concern for Brittany’sGPA, even though she has access to Brittany’s records and presumably has aprofessional imperative to counsel with her concerning her future.

If she can’tbe assed to take an interest in Brittany’s academic struggles even though she’sbeing paid to do so, then Brittany’s not going to beg her to get involved.

Her inactionhas already sent the message loud and clear: Brittany is on her own.

As for whyBrittany doesn’t turn to her parents or Santana for help, things arecomplicated on that side, too.

Since wedon’t know much about Brittany’s relationship with her parents aside from thelittle we see of it in S6, it’s difficult to say why she doesn’t approach themfor help. Maybe she fears disappointing them. Maybe she feels that they won’tunderstand why she’s failing. (They might assume she’s being lazy or goofingoff rather than facing legitimate roadblocks to her learning.) Possibly,they’re dealing with some kind of crisis of their own at the same time thatBrittany realizes that she’s failing, so she doesn’t want to “bother them” withwhat she’s going through. Perhaps she does approach them but they either can’t or won’t helpher.

There’s alsothe possibility that Brittany is reluctant to involve her parents in her issuesbecause she fears the consequences if they find out that Sue has been doctoringher grades for years. How can she explain to them why she’s gone from having apassing (and perhaps even impressive) GPA in years past to having a failing(and even abominable) GPA this year? She’d have to admit that Sue’s been fudgingher report cards to preserve her academic eligibility—and doing so might resultin her parents asking her questions that she doesn’t want to answer.

Either shewould have to say that she had gone along with Sue’s meddling (even though sheknew what Sue was doing was wrong) OR she would have to admit that Sue hasbasically been abusing and blackmailing her and the other Cheerios, making herscared to come forward about the academic dishonesty. The first option oversimplifiesthe situation. The second option is the truth but one that’s probably difficultfor her to cop to.

In any case,for whatever reason, Brittany either doesn’t bring her problems to her parents’attention or she does but they can’t (or won’t) help her.

WithSantana, things are different.

Brittanyknows that if she approaches Santana with her problem, Santana will not onlycare but also understand all of the extenuating circumstances. Santana knowsabout the Sue stuff. She also sees how teachers and other staff members tend toreact to Brittany. She’s fully aware of the injustice. She’s also fully awarethat Brittany’s genius is misunderstood—that Brittany is smart, though her smarts don’t necessarily translate to hertopping the Honor Roll every semester. Santana has the full view of thesituation, and there’s no question that she’d be sympathetic to Brittany’sissues and do everything in her power to get Brittany help, if Brittany justsaid the word.

The troubleis that Brittany doesn’t want to say the word—not when Santana has been dealingwith her own troubles, which, on the whole, from Brittany’s perspective, seem so much bigger and moreagonizing than Brittany’s own.

Brittanycan’t bring herself to interject, “Um, excuse me, Santana, but can we take a break fromdealing with you being outed the entire state of Ohio, suspended from school,disowned by your grandmother, and homophobically bullied so that we can talkabout my algebra test?;” not when she knows that if she points out that she isfailing, Santana will pump the brakes on her own plans and ambitions in orderto stand by her side.

She doesn’twant to hold Santana back when Santana is on her way out of their stifling, gay-bashingtown, onto bigger and better things. She doesn’t want to drag Santana herpersonal turmoil, not when Santana is just finally getting clear from theturmoil in her own.

—andespecially not when Brittany views her own failure as inevitable.

Yeah, shecould tell Santana, and, yeah, Santana would try to move heaven and earth tohelp her. But in the end, there’d be nothing Santana could do. Brittany wouldstill fail, not due to any lagging efforts on Santana’s part, but becauseBrittany has never been able to succeed in school no matter how hard she tried,because the whole system is rigged against her and always has been. No matterhow much effort Brittany expends to show people she’s got a fine brain in herhead—by winning a quiz bowl championship, writing for the school newspaper,becoming class president, dishing out wise advice, etc.—no one except for Santanahas ever been willing to give her a chance. They always see her as an imbecileor a child. Even Santana can’t change the status quo. So why drag her into it?

InBrittany’s view, it’s better for her to help Santana pursue her dreams outsideof Lima than to do anything that might cause her to turn back or slow down.

ThoughBrittany often projects confidence, the truth is that just like the other twomembers of the Unholy Trinity, she has some serious and deep-seated self-esteemissues. After so many years of people calling her an idiot and treating herlike a child, part of her wonders if they aren’t perhaps right (see her speech in episode 4x22). 

While shedoesn’t want to believe what the haters are saying, she also can’t help butfeel that maybe she is destined for Lima Loserdom. If so, then the last thingshe wants to do is drag Santana down with her—hence why she doesn’t mention herfailure to graduate until she’s sure that Santana leaving town and going toLouisville is already a done deal.

Is refusingto seek help from anyone a wise choice on Brittany’s part? No.

But havingdifficulty asking for help is a character flaw she comes by naturally. That agirl who’s been told “no” her whole life would be scared to ask anyone to takea chance on her and say “yes” makes sense. The behavior pattern is a consistentone that she displays throughout the show, such as, for example, in S4, whenshe stages not one but two separate public meltdowns in situations where sheneeds help but doesn’t know how to ask for it (see episodes 4x02 and 4x22).

Note: Thefact that Brittany actually brings herself to ask Santana if they can seekadult help regarding their relationship troubles in episode 2x15 shows just howmuch the issue means to her. Normally, Brittany would never suggest seekingoutside counsel, but in that case she wants so badly to set things to rightsbetween her and Santana that she petitions Santana to approach Holly Holliday.Her love for Santana outweighs her fear of making herself vulnerable.

Brittanydoes want to graduate high school. She does want to be with Santana andcontinue their relationship. She wants to escape Lima. She wants to prove thenaysayers wrong. She wants to start a new life somewhere where she’s notnegatively stereotyped and looked down on by everyone. She wants to livehappily ever after with the woman she loves. She wants all of these thingsdesperately, more than anyone really knows.

But she alsodoesn’t know how to get what she wants.

She feelsboxed in and like her situation is hopeless.

So she justtailspins until she crashes.

—and thetruly tragic thing is that nobody notices what’s happening with her until it’stoo late, either because they remain oblivious (like Santana) or because theyare apathetic (like Brittany’s teachers, coaches, and guidance counselors).

Per usual,Glee tried to play the situation for laughs, but there’s really nothing allthat funny about Brittany’s academic failures at all.

Like manystudent athletes, Brittany is a kid whose physical abilities have been valuedover her learning. As long as she’s helping the Cheerios to winchampionships—and make no mistake, like Quinn and Santana, Brittany is one ofSue’s superstars, whose dance and choreography talents are one of the main advantagesthat make the squad elite—then nobody cares if she struggles in her classes.It���s all about what she can do for the school and not what the school can dofor her.

Of course,in Brittany’s case, there’s even an added element of administrative apathy atplay beyond the usual “Just pass the girl so she’s competition eligible” bit.

Because ofthe way she thinks and acts, her teachers assume that she incapable of and/ordisinterested in learning. They allow their annoyance and exasperation with herto supersede whatever obligation they might feel to provide her with a realeducation.

The sad reality is that no one’s going to go out of theirway to teach a girl that they consider a) a nuisance to have in class; b)incapable of learning; and c) someone for whom grades don’t really matteranyhow, given that she’s one of the moving parts in Sue Sylvester’schampionship cheerleading machine.

So that’show Brittany makes it through grades nine, ten, and eleven: By being passedfrom hand to hand, with the faculty and administration turning a blind eye towhat’s happening because, ultimately, no one really cares about her educationanyway.

But thenBrittany enters grade twelve, and for whatever reason this system suddenlyfalls apart. Though she has previously made passing grades—some of themostensibly without Sue’s “help”—the coursework in her senior year gets thebetter of her.

Maybe thetwelfth grade material proves substantially more difficult than the eleventhgrade material. Maybe years of inadequate learning finally catch up to her. (Ifone never masters the basics of a given subject, then one can’t very wellnavigate more advanced material, after all.) Maybe the stress in her family andsocial life so distracts her from her schoolwork that she is no longer able to juggle it all, and she ends up dropping the academic ball. Maybe herteachers finally have enough of her antics and decide to grade her punitively. Maybea confluence of issues affects her.

Whatever thecase, she fails.

That no onein the WMHS administration takes an interest in her case is a tragedy. Thatshe doesn’t feel safe enough to ask any of her teachers or coaches for help isutterly heartbreaking. Particularly when we compare her story to Puck’s, thenumerous ways in which the system has failed her become painfully apparent.

No childshould flunk out of school because her teachers find her annoying.

—andespecially not when she is willing to learn, if only given the chance.

Throughouther time at WMHS, we frequently see Brittany taking notes in her classes andvolunteering answers during lectures, incorrect though some of those answerscertainly are. She isn’t a girl who sleeps through her schooldays or cutsclasses or goofs off. She’s trying her best. And as the way she really comesinto her own after she leaves WMHS proves, she isvery much capable of learning, albeit at her own pace and in her own way.

Imagine howvery different Brittany’s story could have been if even one teacher had realizedher potential—or had even just given her a chance of any kind. 

Not onlywould it perhaps have been possible for her to graduate with the rest of herclass, but her genius could have been recognized sooner. The entire course of her life could have been changed for the better.

As thingsare, Brittany eventually succeeds inspite of her experiences in the education system, not because of them.

Hers remainsa sobering story.

Anyway.

Then, toanswer your second question:

No, I don’tthink Brittany drops the “—if it were, Santana and I would be dating” line onpurpose. I honestly think it’s a slip on her part.

Here’s thething:

ThoughBrittana don’t get a lot of foreground development during S1, they do have asubtle subtextual, “in the background” storyline that centers on the tension between howSantana thinks they need to be versus how they really are.

Whilethey’re both truly happiest when they’re monogamous with each other, Santanacontinually insists that they maintain publicly visible sexual relationshipswith popular boys at the same time that they’re sleeping with each other—youknow, to project at least the illusion of “straightness.”

However,despite her interest in appearing “heterosexual,” Santana is never able to keepup her sexual relationships with boys for long. Puck inevitably cheats on her.Finn inevitably turns back to Rachel. She invariably ends up back in amonogamous sexual relationship with Brittany, who is more than happy with thearrangement, given that she and Santana are actually in love. The cycle repeatsitself ad nauseum, until eventually, between episodes 1x10 and 1x13, Santanaand Brittany fall into a prolonged period of exclusivity with eachother.

During thistime, they’re sleeping together, plus doing all of their regular “best friend”things—you know, like sharing meals and going out to movies and sittingtogether in the back of the class and writing each other cute notes andcuddling and linking pinkies and generally being, you know, GIRLFRIENDS—whichis why Brittany feels confused about the status of their relationship.

Santana hastold over and over again that just because you’re having sex with someonedoesn’t mean you’re also dating them.

But she andSantana aren’t just having sex. They’re also doing all sorts of relationship-ystuff. Plus, you know, they’re in love with each other.

So doesn’tthat mean that they’re dating?

That’s thequestion that’s in Brittany’s mind going into the infamous party line scene inepisode 1x13.

To quoteextensively from thispost:

During S1,Santana feels secure in her arrangements with Brittany as long as she maintainsa sexual relationship with Puck and he brags about it around school. As long aseveryone knows that Santana has sex with a hot boy and “likes it,” then Santanafeels safe to also have sex with Brittany, per her own druthers. Even afterSantana and Puck officially break up circa episode 1x03, things are cool becausethey still keep having sex and Puck keeps broadcasting the fact that they do totheir peers.

But then circa episode 1x10, somethingshifts.

Though Puck and Santana continue to haveintermittent sex, Puck ceases to boast of their encounters starting around episode1x10, when he begins to woo Quinn in earnest, trying to prove his worthiness asa father and partner to her.

When Puck ceases to brag, Santana getsnervous and feels as if he has rejected her. Is she doing something wrong?Doesn’t he like it anymore? Does he know her secret?

In episode 1x11, Santana sexts Puck in adesperate attempt to rekindle his interest in her, but her efforts don’t panout. Pucktana likely stop sleeping together between episodes 1x11 and 1x13,and, when they do, it likely causes Santana to fear immensely for herreputation.

Ironically, though the thing Santana mostfears in losing Puck as her beard is that people will find out the truth abouther relationship with Brittany, Santana can’t help but run to Brittany when shefeels Puck’s attentions waning. She panics her way right into Brittany’s bed,seeking the approval, affection, acceptance, and validation there that shedoesn’t get from Puck. In so doing, she probably reveals some emotionalvulnerability or even neediness to Brittany.

Considering that Brittany is in love withher, it’s hard for Brittany not to read significance into her actions and thinkthat they signal something big.

Hint: They do.

Brittany starts thinking more and moreabout what’s going on between her and Santana. Since Santana isn’t dating Puckanymore, maybe Santana could date Brittany instead.

It’s because Brittany has the idea ofdating Santana in her mind—and heart—that she blurts it out to the group in1x13.

“Sex isn’t dating.”

“—if it were, Santana and I would bedating.”

It’s Brittany voicing what’s in her heartbefore she can really stop herself.

That she has no premeditated intention ofouting herself and Santana is clear from the look on her face the second thewords leave her mouth and she realizes what she’s just said. She spoke what wasmeant to be a private thought aloud, and she’s scared to death about what theconsequences might be now that she has. She immediately glances to Santana,gauging her reaction, wondering how badly she’s just fucked up theirrelationship. Though the conversation quickly moves on from that point, herheartbeat most likely doesn’t resume a normal pace for minutes afterward.

Anyway, I’ve jabbered for a good, ol’long while now.

Thanks for the questions!

[rainbowshipping]

Why I Am So Tired Of Jandi

Ok so I’ve been thinking a lot about the promo, and just Andi and Jonah’s relationship in general. I think what has really bothered me about Andi and Jonah being together is that it feels like any development both characters have seen seems to disappear whenever they try to be a couple. In season 1 we had Andi standing her ground against Jonah and no longer following his every whim. But than season 2 rolls around and we hit the reset button, and instead of being honest with Jonah about how she feels like she was in “Were We Ever?”, she refuses to just directly tell him how she feels. This often manifested itself in Andi coming off as extremely petty as whenever Jonah would hang out with another girl or just not do any of the specific boyfriend things Andi wanted of him. I couldn’t completely comprehend this when I first started watching the show as by the time I did it was already in it’s second season, but having rewatched season one multiple times during the months long hiatus it just became more clear. And I saw a lot of people write this off as “they’re two middle schoolers, of course they won’t be able to properly share their feelings”, which may line up somewhat with Jonah’s character, but Andi displayed very clearly that she was capable of speaking her mind in a calm and direct manner. But it just disappeared. As for Jonah’s character, though the show has made a point that he is just awful when it comes to expressing his emotions, the only way they ever feel this should be confronted is through his relationship with Andi. What I mean is, it seems that the only reason that Jonah’s lack of emotional maturity is even a problem is because it hinders his relationship with Andi. Never mind the fact that this sort of personal flaw would have far reaching affects, but the idea that the only reason a boy like Jonah should ever try to better himself is so he can get with the girl he likes is just so fundamentally wrong. And I can’t stand how much of Jonah’s anxiety is being tied to Andi, when there are clearly other issues at play here the show refuses to confront. I don’t like making “How it should’ve happened” like statements, but honestly I feel the show could’ve done some interesting things in terms of having Jonah struggle with his feelings for Andi and realizing that even though he hangs out with a lot of people, there really isn’t anyone who he’s built a strong enough relationship with who he could confide with. Maybe even have him realize that part of the reason that he enjoyed hanging out with GHC was because they were all very open and honest with each other about their feelings and as such could support each other. Or maybe just any sort of development or expansion upon Jonah’s character would’ve been nice, as if he was going to stick around to be with Andi the least the show could’ve done was give some insight into his life outside of the GHC and frisbee. I know I’ve made plenty of posts joking about how crazy it is we still no nothing about Jonah’s family, but at this point it’s past comedic and well to the point of frustration, as this is a principle character who we literally have zero information on pertaining to his personal life. Something that became a much more egregious problem once Jonah started having panic attacks, and a lot of us were left wondering why he wouldn’t tell his parents. I just feel a lot of season two’s problems often tie back to the fact that it feels whenever we focus on these two’s relationship the story is just repeating itself. The reason I bring this all up is that it seems like we’ll just be getting a rehash of what we got in 2a but reversed. 

I’ll preface by saying that the promos do tend to be misleading, but even still it looks like Jonah’s going to try and make Andi jealous after he sees her wearing the shoes Walker made her. There just isn’t any other reason for him to invite Natalie after literally not mentioning her since “You’re The One That I Want”, and if this is what’s happening than it means Jonah will be acting exactly like Andi was in 2a, because let’s face it if Jonah were to similarly get a gift from another girl and Andi saw him with it she would’ve been just as petty. The reason this scenario is so frustrating is not only the fact that Andi should know damn well why Jonah might have a problem with Andi wearing the shoes Walker made her, but just how once again it seems like Jonah’s character is going to take twelve steps back after just in this last episode already seeming to have been more open with his emotions. I talked about this in my review of “Andi’s Choice” quite at length but it bears repeating: Jandi is constantly causing stagnation when it comes to the the development of Andi and Jonah and infects other good aspects of the show by having every other character get caught up in the drama of this relationship. Even though I’m not the biggest fan of his character at the moment, theres a part of me that’s actually looking forward to TJ hanging out with Cyrus as we might finally get to have Cyrus be able to do something not completely involved with the oh so important matter of whether Jandi is going to fall apart because one of them wasn’t looking at the other for 10 seconds. We all know this relationship is toxic, and at this point it’s just tediously absurd the lengths the show will go to to drag this on especially when they had the perfect opportunity to put this plot thread to rest by the end of season one but decided not to. 

[hopeishappinessff]

Holding Onto Hope: Chapter 36

Narrator:

Embarrassed. Humiliated. A laughing stock perhaps? No… no one was laughing. Final conclusion… an utter disappointment. He prayed for an escape… prayed that maybe he could somehow melt away into the cushioned chair he occupied. Or disappear into thin air, if at all possible. He wanted to simply spontaneously combust, because this was entirely too much to bear. Sure, he was aware that a day would come that someone would actually explain to him… him. He was a complex mixture of a human, he knew that. But now that the day had arrived for him to better understand just how complex… he couldn’t believe he hadn’t thrown up yet.

Through pursed, paper thin, pink lips, she sighed and kept her eyes trained on the healthy stack of papers splayed atop her shiny desk. His eyes were cast downward, but he wasn’t looking at anything in particular. He just knew he didn’t have the guts to look at either of them. Dr. Stevenson… or Dr. Yates. She was visiting him on a flat screen today, but for the first time in a long time… he couldn’t look her in the eye. No… not while they were both attempting to apparently ruin his life, yet again.

“Manic-depressive illness or manic depression… commonly known as, bipolar disorder. This disorder is characterized by extreme mood swings that include emotional highs, or mania and hypomania, and lows… depression. During the mania or hypomania phases, the patient will endure extreme euphoria, you will feel full of energy or unusually irritable. Hypersexuality, also referred to as compulsive sexual behavior or sexual addition, can also exist as a sign of the disorder and is described as a dysfunctional preoccupation with sexual fantasies, urges, or behaviors that are difficult to control. Episodes of mood swings may occur rarely, or in your particular case, multiple times a year and they will affect your sleep pattern, energy, activity, judgment, behavior, and ability to think clearly.” Dr. Stevenson read from one of the papers, now held captive between the tips of her fingers. She continued to pause occasionally between paragraphs, as if waiting for him to say something. But, what was he supposed to say? What could he say? What words could be said to make anything about this situation better? Yes, he was aware of his diagnosed mental illnesses. What he was not aware of was an ‘explanation session’… a dual therapy session with the sole purpose of explaining to him exactly what it was that he would be living with for the rest of his life.

“Dissociative identity disorder or DID… a severe condition in which two or more distinct identities, or personality states, are present in – or alternately take control of – an individual… often described by some, as an experience of possession. One can also experience memory loss that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness. DID reflects a failure to integrate various aspects of identity, memory, and consciousness into a single multidimensional self. Usually, a primary identity carries the individual’s given name and is passive, dependent, guilty, and depressed. The alters’ characteristics – including name, reported age and gender, vocabulary, general knowledge, and predominant mood – contrast with those of the primary identity. Certain circumstances or stressors can cause a particular alter to emerge. The various identities may deny knowledge of one another, be critical of one another or appear to be in open conflict. Possession-form identities often manifest as behaviors that appear as if a spirit or other supernatural being has taken control of the person.”

His chest was heaving, he was desperate for air… and for her to stop talking. Though his eyes were squeezed shut, he could feel the emotion brewing behind his lids… burning the corners of his eyes… itching to be released. He wasn’t even sure if she was still reading from that damned paper or if his desperation to stop hearing her truths was loud enough to drown her out, but he certainly could not hear her anymore.

“Dr. Stevenson…”

She tilted her head upward only a centimeter, but her eyes raised completely and her brows bent in the corners when she noticed Christopher sitting there, hyperventilating. It was the stern voice of Dr. Yates who finally shut her up and her heart rate immediately catapulted when she realized her patient was nearly on the verge of passing out.

“Christopher!” She half yelped, half gasped… because now his face was as red as the shiny polish on her fingertips.

“Dr. Stevenson, please…” Again, the melodic, firm sound of Dr. Yates voice was what planted Dr. Stevenson’s bottom in her chair, because she was well on her way to fleeing from the room to call on Richard and perhaps a few other security guards. She’d been on edge with this particular patient, ever since the failed observation therapy session that almost landed Dr. Yates in a hospital last year in December.

Dr. Stevenson cut her eyes sharply in the direction of the flat television screen and her lips pursed in an almost non-existent manner as she waited for further instruction from Dr. Yates. She sighed delicately and removed the glasses from the bridge of her nose, staring at the young man through the screen as he continued to struggle to compose himself.

“Christopher…” He tensed at the sound of her voice and held his breath completely until she diffused him, “Open your eyes.”

It was magical almost, the way she so easily delivered a polite command and his body responded before his mind could fully comprehend what she’d said. His eyes parted and blurred in an instant, because the tears were prepped and ready to fall, but just that easily… she’d soothed him into opening his eyes. Like the expert she was.

“Lift your head.”

Like a pained old man, he gradually lifted his head and eventually, his blurred vision had no choice but to lock eyes with her. She wore a smile on her gracefully aging face and when he saw it, he temporarily forgot that Dr. Stevenson was still in the room… staring at him cautiously.

“How are you feeling today?”

He went to drop his head, a natural reaction he’d inherited lately under the… circumstances. But Dr. Yates was quick to lift a question brow to accompany her smirk, catching his attention before he could confide in the back of his eye lids again.

Clearing his throat, he sniffled and sighed, not even bothering to acknowledge the tears rolling casually down his flushed cheeks “I’m… alright.”

With a sudden look of confusion, Dr. Yates tilted her head curiously and blinked a few times “You’re… alright? Are you sure?”

Nodding, he finally surrendered to the overwhelming urge to drop his head, but this time he kept his eyes open and simply watched the tears trickle into his lap.

“Well, if you are alright… are those happy tears that you’re crying?” She asked, confusion lacing her words.

Suddenly he became unnecessarily mesmerized by the tears he shed, but really he was just too ashamed to acknowledge the real reason Dr. Yates was questioning him… she knew he wasn’t alright. He constantly internally praised her for being so incredibly intelligent and vigilant, so he knew she knew… he was not alright. But he was embarrassed by that thought… embarrassed to admit that the response he’d just given her was really just a cover for the truth. He felt like a complete and utter failure. Here this woman was, reading directly from his personal file and dropping the truth on him in a way he could have never been prepared for. Dr. Stevenson always seemed a bit rough around the edges to him and she never seemed to be one to have much sympathy for a person like him… but in this case, could he really blame her? She was simply doing her job, explaining to him in detail exactly how fucked up he was.

“Chris, if you’ll just let me finish…” Dr. Stevenson began to ramble, but Dr. Yates was always one step ahead.

“Sara,” She cut her off quickly and politely, like a car in traffic with a driver kind enough to toss a hand up to acknowledge they had indeed just cut someone off, “If I may?”

Dr. Stevenson look peeved, annoyed that someone was doing her the courtesy of shutting her up and stopping her from sounding like a heartless witch. She sighed firmly through her nose, but obliged to Dr. Yates request by slowly lowering the piece of paper back onto her desk.

“Christopher… if I may?” She was asking for his permission now… permission to continue on with the dauting task of verbalizing just how much he sucked as a human being. With a quick glance up at the screen, he sniffled once more and nodded his head… okaying her to continue on with the torture.

“Now, from my observation Christopher, I’m not so sure if you are indeed ‘alright.’”

He didn’t bother to respond… didn’t even bother to raise his head in her direction again. She was about to call him on his bluff and he had no energy to deny it… he simply was not alright.

“Like most of us, you’ve got a story. And if you’re curious to hear it, from my perspective anyway… your story is quite remarkable,” That certainly got his attention and whether he desired to or not, his head lifted on its own accord and he frowned at her… because surely she was mocking him, “There was once a young boy who, due to a series of awfully unfortunate events, lived a very angry and not so happy childhood. He witnessed turmoil beyond his control… turmoil that no human, let alone a child, should ever have to witness. And often he felt compelled to step forth to take action against the turmoil… because it involved his family, his mother. He would do anything to protect her, even at such a tender age.”

“Christopher, I want you to understand something… that young boy, filled with anger and not so happy feelings, who was undeservingly stripped of his happiness and forced to endure a life style that some fully matured men have never experienced… that is your story. And sometimes, in order to protect itself… the human mind will create its own chapters in order to ensure you are able to stay on the path of your story. Your mind created its very own protection against the chaos around you, because it was all it could do to survive. Thus, your altered personality was born.”

Born. The way she spoke of it, of Kin… the way she explained him and his ‘birth’ was rather relieving to him. Somehow, she made it make sense. Because she was indeed an expert.

“This entity became a safe haven for you, but in turn… he would often wreak unnecessary havoc on those around you, because the sole purpose of his existence has always been to protect you… which allowed you, so you thought, to protect those around you. Even as a child, your alter existed namelessly. He became your strength, your courage, your ability to stand against anyone you believed to be a threat against you and your family. But then… one day… a small bundle of happiness pulled into the driveway next door. She stepped foot from that car and swarmed you with an almost foreign feeling of peace… of genuine joy. That’s a feeling that we all crave, isn’t it? Joy? But for you, that feeling had become so foreign and forgotten… the moment you recognized it for the first time in your childhood, it became addicting. Overwhelmingly so. Sy’Diyah… Hope… she charmed her way into your life by simply moving in next door and from that day on, you couldn’t get enough of her, the way she made you feel whenever in her presence, the pure love that you could identify with that seemingly only she could fill you with, the peace… oh the peace and the solace. It was truly an addiction.”

Addiction was right. His eyes shut again and this time he managed to conjure up an entire image of her perfect face, perfect skin, perfect eyes, perfect smile, perfect hair. He imagined her right there in front of him, her sweet smell wafting around him, as addicting as it was. Her stare twinkling as she smiled lovingly at him. Her bump… the baby bump, protruding directly at him to remind him of the love they shared. He missed her, incredibly so.

“Even now, as you sit and delve into the many memories and images you’ve got stored solely in her heart for her… you feel it don’t you, the peace?”

He nodded finally and sniffled hard, because he could feel the tears brewing again “Dr. Yates I… I miss her.”

“Understandably so Christopher. Please, open your eyes,” He obeyed, parting his lids to her magical charm, “You are here, in this facility, away from your loved ones and away from the one true love of your life… because you deserve to be the greatest version of you that you can be. For them, but most importantly for you. You are not to blame for the misfortunes of your childhood or for your minds natural response to the turmoil in your young life. Had your remedy, your altered personality, not been born… I am honestly not sure that you would have flourished to be the young man who sits before us today… I’m not sure that you would have survived.”

Chris had never thought of it that way. He stared at her through burning eyes thoughtfully, pondering the thought she’d just ignited in his mind. Had his altered personality not been born from his real-life chaos, would he have survived? Was he really too weak to stand on his own as a man… was Kin seriously all of his strength?

“But Dr. Yates, his file clearly discusses in detail his lifestyle before moving off to Georgia for school. It doesn’t make much sense to me that you don’t believe he would have survived in a lifestyle that he willingly chose to live.” Dr. Stevenson finally managed to find her voice after she too became deeply enthralled in the sultry sound of Dr. Yates explanation.

“Who said it was done willingly Sara? Who said any of it was done willingly? The violent habits and the entire lifestyle created solely by the alter, the excessive desire for multiple women and sex, which as you just read is a direct characteristic of the bipolar disorder… combined with the DID… these occurrences are not done willingly. Even the slightest hint of vulnerability and weakness from Christopher, and Kin has always been the direct result. I’ve examined Christopher’s case from top to bottom, inside and out. His diagnosis is simple enough, but once closely observed, more complex than I’ve ever studied. Christopher and his alter are nearly two separate beings, if not for the fact that they indeed share one physical form,” Swiftly turning to face him, she wore a grave expression that nearly startled him, “The most interesting observation during this process… your alter doesn’t even respond accordingly to your dosages. The only reason you’ve been able to avoid blacking out in your recent sessions is because of the months of intense psychotherapy that has been forcing you to focus. You see, the top priority in your case is not to necessarily treat any symptoms, because truthfully that is nearly impossible… but rather educate you in the art of focus.”

Dr. Yates was indeed correct, Chris had been on a daily regimen with the psychotherapy sessions since his last black out and truth be told, he’d been doing an outstanding job. In every way that he could, he’d been non-stop focusing. Whether lying flat on his back on the sterile cot in his room, counting the small specks decorating the tiled ceiling. Or sitting in a corner in the recreation room, tuning in only to the faint sound of the clock ticking on the opposite side of the room… even over the chaotic sounds of the other patients sharing the space with him… he always made sure to focus. And it helped, it truly did help. The tactic, surprisingly instilled by Dr. Stevenson, aided him in his quest to control his thoughts, which allowed him to keep control of his own emotions… and more importantly, it allowed him to remain in control of himself.

“And, of course, the additional dosages of Zoloft. Synced with the focusing strategy, I believe it’s been a big help…” Dr. Stevenson muttered.

“You are correct, to a certain degree,” Dr. Yates noted, “However, the medication is only used to address the depression, anxiety, and it suppresses any anger. Unfortunately, we have to remember that the alter may not always respond to it.”

Eventually, Chris noticed that his tears had completely subsided, though he was left with an aggravating afterburn along the brims of his eyes. What was really the point in crying? It was upsetting to hear such negative truths about yourself, but he mustn’t forget the focus and dedication he’d put into this entire process in the span of a few months. Several of his psychotherapy sessions had been much more intense than others, some often brewing emotions within him that he often felt as if he could not control. But, as Dr. Yates had mentioned, he had been in control because he had mastered the art of focus. In fact, he’d been so consistently focused and if he had nothing else to be proud of in this precise moment in his life, it was that small fact. It was quite a huge accomplishment for him because for the first time since he could remember, he was absolutely in control. He smiled at the thought.

--

Chris

I may have been crazier than I thought, I wasn’t quite sure. But I tried not to dwell on that because then I would really start to believe it and I felt like that would completely change me as a person. I didn’t want to change… I just didn’t want to deal with these illnesses anymore. But if they continued to set me up in these sessions with not only one doctor physically sitting in front of me, but one on the flat plasma screen TV right beside her as well… I would have no choice but to know that I was insane. I was pretty positive no other patient in this institution had to endure their therapy sessions quite like this, but this is what they thought it took to get through to me.

Shifting my gaze from Dr. Stevenson to Dr. Yates, who’s bright and beaming face sat perfectly aligned in the center of the flat screen television, I sighed softly and shifted awkwardly in my seat. They were both watching me curiously, waiting for me to tell them why I thought I should be released from this sterile prison. I fiddled with my fingers and looked past the flat screen and out the window on the other side of the office. In all honesty, I didn’t know why I should be released or… if I should. I mean, I felt like I was making progress… no, I was sure that I was making progress. I was putting forth a serious effort to get myself together because I did really want out of this place. But the real world… everyday life… the place right outside of the hidden barriers of this building… it scared me. Petrified might have actually been a better term. Yes… it petrified me…

“Christopher…” Dr. Yates was speaking now and the sound of her voice alone never failed to capture my attention, so without further ado I turned my head slowly to face her… or the screen that she was presented to me on, “Are you afraid to leave?”

Lord where did this woman come from? She wasn’t even technically in the same room as me, yet she sat there and read right through me like her office was located in the middle of my mind. I could feel Dr. Stevenson staring at me, just waiting for me to give her something to write in that little yellow notepad. But, as usual, I trained my vision onto Dr. Yates and readied myself to respond to her and I even kind of pretended that Dr. Stevenson wasn’t even there. She wasn’t who I wanted to talk to… she never was. I’m sure she knew it too, thus the extravagant television set up with my therapist on it.

“In a way… yes.” I muttered.

“Why? Why are you afraid to leave the institute?” Tearing my eyes away from the screen, I peered at Dr. Stevenson from the corner of my eye and refrained from frowning at her question. I hated the way she spoke to me so… so… typically. I mean, sure it was her job to ask me questions and understand the gist of me and all that jazz… but in my opinion, she didn’t know what she was doing. She didn’t know how to be in tune with her patients like Dr. Yates… she didn’t know how to do anything like Dr. Yates.

“I just am.” I turned to look back out of the window and decided at that moment that I would no longer be addressing that woman. This was a session between Dr. Yates and I and she… she was just filling space in the room.

“You’ll be leaving on a fresh slate… and you know that, you’re okay with that… aren’t you? The fear here… lies in the prospect that your fresh slate will be tainted by the horrors of the outside world… please, shut me up at any time and tell me that I’m wrong Christopher… you know not to be afraid to correct me.” She said, laughter mixed softly in her last statement. Smiling to myself, I slowly shook my head to not only indicate to her that I would not stop her because she was not wrong… but also because I could almost feel Dr. Stevenson tensing in her seat. In reality, she sucked and the more Dr. Yates took over these sessions with me virtually, I’m sure she was beginning to understand that more and more.

“So essentially, you’re not afraid to leave… you are afraid to come back.” Dr. Yates finished her observation and I glanced from her to the other occupant of the room, because at this time I didn’t feel as though she deserved the title of doctor, and nodded my head. “I just… I don’t wanna mess up again.”

They were both writing, jotting down whatever it was that they concluded from what I’d said. I could never understand the purpose of the notebooks and I never much cared for them. I was focused on the hand across the table from me writing quickly like I’d just said a mouthful and almost didn’t hear Dr. Yates speaking through the television.

“Would you mind, Dr. Stevenson, if I had just a moment of time with Christopher?” She asked. Her question surprised us both and while I sat still in my seat with raised brows, Dr. Stevenson turned to face the TV before glancing back over her shoulder at me and smiling tightly.

“Sure… take your time.” She didn’t even bother to look back at Dr. Yates. She simply rose swiftly from her seat and glided quickly out of the room. My eyes remained glued to the shut door for a moment as I absorbed what’d just happened… she was in her feelings, because a woman miles away from us just gave her the boot from her own office. I almost snickered aloud, but Dr. Yates cleared her throat and got my attention before I could.

“Christopher…”

“Yes ma’am?”

“No formalities now,” She chuckled, “How have you really been?”

“I’ve been good… better. How have you been?” I smiled.

She smiled in return “Why haven’t I thought to excuse that woman long ago?”

We both laughed, but softly because I really didn’t know how far Dr. Stevenson had ventured away from the door.

“I have been very well, thank you for asking. I haven’t had a successful opportunity to speak to you one on one since your very last session here at the school with me. I wanted to pick your brain a little off record, if you don’t mind.”

“No… I don’t.” She sat there smiling for a while in her signature pose with her hands crossed onto the surface of her desk. It didn’t really look like she even had the notebook in front of her anymore and for that, I was thankful. She really was only interested in having a completely off the record conversation with me… and in a way, I was kind of excited about that.

“I’m sorry that I could not actually be there with you, but you seem to be doing exceptionally well. Communicating comfortably and more frequently… that is phenomenal.”

“I guess.”

“You guess…”

“I don’t really like it here… the people.” I explained slowly.

“It’s not a comfort zone for you. That’s understandable. But you are doing wonderfully during your time with Dr. Stevenson. I must commend you there.” She beamed.

“Thank you.” I smirked.

There was a moment of silence that left me with my head down, unable to face her piercing stare, and I thought maybe she was waiting for me to speak again… so I did.

“Dr. Yates… I-I never got to apologize to you for what happened when you were here…”

“I cannot accept that apology.”

Quickly raising my head, I eyed her with furrowed brows and opened my mouth to speak, but… no words came out. What? Did she really just say that?

“You cannot apologize for something completely out of your control. What happened that day in our therapy session… that was something that you could not prevent, even if you tried. I don’t want you to feel remorseful in any way for actions that were not yours.”

I felt myself nodding as she spoke and though she was right, I couldn’t ignore the regret for what I did that day… but it did also feel a bit strange apologizing on behalf of that other side of me. I didn’t even know what’d happened… until they forced me to watch the footage. And as I sat there staring at the gray image of myself stalking around the room at her, eventually corning her and threatening her in a way that made my stomach churn, I knew I had to offer her an apology as soon as I got the opportunity to.

“I wanted to give you an update, about Hope.”

All the sadness and memories of that last therapy session with Dr. Yates went right out the window the moment I heard that name. Hope… my Hope… my heart.

“What’s wrong with her?” I blurted.

She laughed softly and shook her head as she watched me visibly flinch in my seat, nerves clearly on end “Nothing at all. She’s doing wonderfully… very focused on her studies now. Perhaps a bit too focused, but she’s doing well non-the-less.”

“That’s good…” My voice drifted off for a moment as I thought briefly about her face. Her beautiful face and her pink and always pouted lips and her cute baby hairs that wisped with even the slightest wind and her wild mane of hair that cascaded all over her head like a golden waterfall…

“She’s about eighteen weeks along… and she glows like a ray of sunshine every time I see her.” My heart sank… I hadn’t expected her to discuss the pregnancy. As I said before, I knew she knew that Hope was pregnant, but I guess I completely forgot that she was there with her and I was not and there was a high possibility that they were still in contact in my absence.

“How is the baby? Does she even know what she’s… we… does she know what we’re having?” I didn’t even know I was capable of speaking this fast again because everything I did in life now seemed to be done leisurely.

Dr. Yates seemed to catch onto that because I caught the smile on her face that almost looked like a proud mother watching her child take its first steps.

“The baby is fine… and healthy. She does not know the sex… because she prefers to wait for you to find out.” That right there… those words right there, lit me up from the inside out. I felt like the sun itself would consume my entire body and beam right through my chest. She wanted to wait for me to find out what the gender of our baby was… she wanted to wait for me for something in life period? That made me feel like… the proudest man on earth. It made me feel like standing up and running through the rest of this treatment program so I could get the hell out and run all the way to Georgia to her. She was waiting for me… she was still thinking of me… she hadn’t left me behind.

“Christopher,” Her voice snapped me out of my frantic and joyous thoughts and I blinked rapidly as I turned my attention to her, “My goal here is to help you. You being in this institution will not benefit you… you being out there, in the real world, with your loved ones will.”

The rapid blinking stopped abruptly and I damn near stopped blinking altogether as my heart began to race while I waited almost impatiently for her to go on.

“There is a deal in the works at this time and nothing has been finalized, but… I am working very frivolously to have you released into the care of your mother. There is an entire case pending and I’ve been preparing all things necessary to present to the board of the institute to prove that home treatment would better suit you.”

My eyes shut while she continued to speak. I’m not even sure what she was talking about, something to do with this case that was pending against me, but the only thing my mind could focus on was what she’d said about me being released. I had to repeat a mantra in my head… don’t get your hopes up… don’t get your hopes up… only for these people to let you right back down. But I would simply be lying if I said my heart didn’t flutter with anticipation.

“I cannot make any promises, but I can guarantee you that if you do your part… if you continue to excel in your sessions and you continue to maintain your cooperation with Dr. Stevenson and with whatever regulations they implement for you… I will do everything in my power to get you home.”

Mentally I tattooed those words on my brain and held onto them dearly… there was no doubt in my mind that I would hold up my end of that deal no matter what.