#i think they really added something to the atmosphere and the melodrama of it all

[grimark]

i like bad special effects. meaning not just old and outdated (which in a lot of cases were actually groundbreaking for their time, but i digress) but also low-budget or rushed or just kinda corny and poorly executed. i think it adds charm where a lot of more polished productions are lacking.

[autistic-stedebonnet]

I wanna be with you

Yueki week day one: modern au | songfic

@yuekiweek

This is supposed to be based on the song “I wanna be with you” by chloe moriondo, but I got a bit carried away so it’s not as obvious that it’s based on the song as I would like it to be. I’m still kind of proud of it though, so I hope you enjoy! :)

---

Swimming in my t-shirts No matter the weather Say what you mean I want to be with you…

...And it's almost unnatural how lame I act around you Give me a chance To say what I mean Please do the same

I want to be with you

Summers on Kyoshi Island were, as Suki had once proclaimed: “Almost as hot as Avatar Kyoshi herself.” Of course, compared to the fire nation, it was practically cold; but cut a girl some slack, Suki has horrible heat tolerance (Kyoshi warrior uniforms are made to be breathable, ok?) Such a fact makes for a wonderful excuse in persuading your crush to sneak away to a secluded pond instead of meeting their other friends for lunch.

---

Suki sighed with a noticeable air of melodrama, vigorously fanning herself as if she was looking to create a hurricane. “Spirits, it’s hot,” she complained. She rolled over from her spot on the floor, moving to better face Yue, who sat in a nearby chair, slouching uncharacteristically and using Suki’s other fan to cool herself. “Tell me you’re not dying of heatstroke.”

“I am,” Yue replied. “Are summers here always so dreadful?”

“Kind of?” Suki chuckled. “It’s always hot but not this hot. Don’t tell Zuko I said that, he thinks the weather is mild.” She perched her chin in her hands and smiled up at Yue. “But that’s just because he was raised in the damn Fire Nation. He has no tolerance for the cold.”

Yue giggled, likely thinking of the time where they’d all gone to visit the South Pole and Zuko had done an impressive job at scowling the entire time, whining that it should be illegal for anywhere to be that cold.

Suki had always thought that Yue’s laugh was like the first snowfall of the year; especially the laugh only her friends got to hear. The one that made her entire face shift and her dimples show. Suki smiled involuntarily, her eyes flicking from Yue’s dark eyes downwards, coming dangerously close to her lips, which had been painted a shimmery pink today; the shine a result of another one of Sokka’s concoctions that shockingly, hadn’t killed anyone yet.

“Suki? Suki?” Yue waved her hand in front of Suki’s face, frowning slightly.

“Huh?” Suki shook herself from her reverie, a crimson blush slowly overtaking her cheeks. “Oh, uh, sorry, I just…”

“Daydreaming again?” Yue asked. She grinned and reached out her hand to help Suki up. “Stand up, we’re meeting everyone for lunch soon.”

Suki took her hand begrudgingly, muttering something about it being too hot to move. She crossed her arms over her chest upon standing up and furrowed her brows in feigned anger. “I’m not hungry,” She said. Then, her expression changed instantaneously and she grasped at Yue’s forearm, beaming mischievously. “I have an idea!” She cried, practically jumping up in the air.

Yue narrowed her eyes skeptically. “What?”

“Well,” Suki drawled, throwing her arm over Yue’s shoulder. “What if we ditched?”

“And did what?” Yue asked, putting her hands on her hips and forcing herself not to smile.

“It’s a secret!” Suki said coaxingly. “We just ate an hour ago-”

“They’re expecting us!”

“Gotta keep ‘em on their toes,” Suki countered, nudging Yue playfully. “Come on! Why did you say you left the North Pole again?”

Yue pinched the bridge of her nose, sighing heavily. “I said I wanted to experience the world and make a positive impact,” She muttered.

“And what experience do you get out of not ditching lunch?” Suki said. “I’m sure your parents would tell you to go to lunch.”

“Hey, that’s not fair!” Yue giggled, ducking her head down to hide her laughter. Finally, she looked up at Suki, who was inches away from her face and smiling pleadingly. “Alright, alright!” She laughed, pushing Suki’s face away from her and trying to ignore the heat spreading across her cheeks. “You win.”

“Yes!” Suki cried, pumping her fist in the air. She turned to Yue and her expression softened. “I promise you won’t regret this.”

---

After sneaking in an unnecessarily stealth-like manner halfway across the island, Yue and Suki reached a small mountain, with vines and moss creeping around every inch.

“Are we… rock climbing?” Yue asked slowly, raising an inquisitive brow.

Suki chuckled and shook her head. “No, stupid, come on!” She reached up and carefully brushed aside the vines, holding her breath until a large entryway revealed the mountain to be hollow and she heard Yue suck in a sharp, awestruck breath.

White sand lined the entrance for a few feet, leading to a shallow pool of crystal clear water. The roof was open to the sky, slightly obscured by vines and tree branches, but allowing streams of sunlight to dance along the top of the water and illuminate the room. Yue stepped inside hesitantly, running her hand along the stone wall, mesmerized. “How long has this been here?” She asked.

Shrugging, Suki followed her in and letting the vines swing back over the entrance. “For as long as I’ve been on the island, at least. Possibly decades, or centuries.”

“It’s magical,” Yue breathed. “It’s like we’re in a different world.” She turned to Suki, smiling softly. “I think this was worth missing lunch.”

Suki inhaled sharply, nodding. “Oh. Oh it… yea I agree.” She caught Yue’s gaze and stared for a moment, finding herself lost in eyes that mimicked the deepest parts of the ocean and the strong bark on the trees near Suki’s house.

“Suki are you… are you okay?” Yue inquired, gently moving to rest a hand on Suki’s shoulder.

Startled, Suki jumped slightly, before nodding her head and grinning. “Of course I am.” She grasped Yue’s hand and pulled her closer to the water. “C’mon let’s swim!”

“Are you sure?” Yue said doubtfully. “We don’t have swimsuits.”

“What does that matter?” Suki laughed. “Live a little.” She shed her robe and lowered herself into the water in her leggings and tunic, the latter of which billowed out around her like clouds in a clear, blue sky. Leaning forward and positioning her arms on the edge, she smiled up at Yue. “You didn’t miss lunch just to stand around. Yue, please.”

“Well what are we gonna do after? Walk around the island, half dressed and soaking wet?”

“Hey, you’re getting it!” Suki chuckled loudly. “Seriously though, no one will care if we walk around a little wet. If anything it’ll be refreshing, considering it’s boiling hot outside.”

“I don’t know…” Yue said, biting at her lip. “Are you sure?”

“I’m in the water, aren’t I?”

Sighing, Yue nodded in agreement. “Alright. But you owe me!” She added the last part on, laughing; and pulled off her dress and boots, folding them neatly at the back of the space and walking back to the water in her trousers and thin, flowy tunic. She took a sharp intake of breath as the cool water hit her skin, but adjusted to it almost immediately, falling beside Suki, the water coming up just a few inches below her chest.

The vines creeping down the sides of the cave and into the walls of the pond danced in the warm summer breeze, like tides lapping at the shore. Sunlight flowed into the pool like a waterfall of fire, lighting their faces with liquid gold. Yue stood in silence for several moments, her eyes closed, drinking in the atmosphere. She breathed in deeply, shoulders rising peacefully, and falling back down again, sending her unraveling into the water. She lay on her back, her hair floating around her like the midnight sky seeping into the ocean.

Suki watched, moonstruck, as Yue drifted gracefully through the water, her chest rising and falling in synchrony with Suki’s. Her hands fell to her side, almost numb, in a trance. She wondered if Yue’s hair was as soft as the pool made it out to be. Perhaps if she stood still for long enough, the moon would rise and wrap them in her embrace, and they could stay here forever. Suki sunk gently to her knees, her chin floating just above the water-level, breath causing ripples in the glass. Time felt still for a moment, like the Earth and all the stars were breathing in.

When Yue stood up, her gray tunic sticking to her skin and her hair falling in long, damp waves down her back, Suki didn’t move. She was motionless as Yue moved towards her, leaning down and mimicking her position so they faced each other, both submerged from the neck down.

“Hi,” Yue said quietly; even the smallest whispers reverberated off the stone.

Suki’s face flushed bright red as she processed how close they were; she contemplated ducking her head under the water and staying there forever. “H-hi,” she sputtered, her voice raising an octave.

Yue giggled, bringing a hand to her lips. “What are you thinking about?” She asked, a soft smile flitting over her face as she floated closer to Suki.

“I’m thinking- I’m uh- I’m.” Flustered, Suki burst out laughing; the kind of awkward laugh that somehow turned genuine and rocked through your body until your sides hurt. “Sorry, I’m… I’m just thinking about how happy I am right now.”

Yue’s breath hitched slightly. “Really?”

“Yea…” Suki’s flush had died down and her confidence risen. She moved forward until he rface was mere inches from Yue’s, their lips just a breath apart. She could feel Yue’s hair drifting forward and brushing at her shoulders every so often. “I’m glad we skipped lunch.”

“Yea,” Yue agreed. “Me too.”

They fell back, reclining against the wall of the pool, watching as the sunlight dimmed, well aware that there wasn’t much time before stars appeared and the air grew too cool to swim. A light breeze whistled throughout the cave, bouncing off the walls.

“Yue?” Suki asked, her voice hardly a whisper.

“Hmm?”

“I- I’m really glad that we’re friends.”

Yue stiffened almost unnoticeably. “Friends… yea,” she said, like the words had a bitter taste. “Is that… really what you mean?” She asked boldly.

Suki sat quietly for a moment, afraid that she couldn’t say the right thing. It felt like years before she finally said: “I feel safe with you.”

Yue nodded. “Me too.”

The words Suki wanted to say were stuck in her throat, and perhaps this was the perfect time to say them, but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it would ruin the euphoria. 

Yue, I love you, more than anything. I want to be with you. 

But there was time. They had all the time in the world, and for now, they could sit beside each other, frozen in time until the sun disappeared and they had to walk through the night in sopping clothes. There was time.

[needsmoresarcasm]

Favorite Books of 2019

I read a bunch of books in 2019. I loved a lot of them. Here are my ten favorites.

10. Because Internet: Understanding the New Rules of Language, Gretchen McCulloch

Most books about internet culture are garbage because they are written from the perspective of someone who is outside internet culture. Gretchen McCulloch, I am positive, is a part of internet culture. She was on fandom mailing lists and had a LiveJournal, I’m sure. She had to be to write Because Internet, which is an incredibly well written book about how language has evolved to fit online discourse. Because Internet is so fascinating, as it is able to explain thoughtfully (and compellingly) many things that internet people understand inherently. It parses through the evolution of a keysmash or an emoji. And it really helps show how language on the internet is not somehow the deterioration of language, but just another natural step forward.  9. HHhH, Laurent Binet

Originally written in French, HHhH deals with the entire genre of historical fiction. The narrator in HHhH is writing a novel about the murder of Reinhard Heydrich, a high-ranking Nazi official. That novel-within-the-novel is the bulk of the actual HHhH. But the narrator, who has spent years researching the actual facts, struggles with how much history and how much fiction he should be putting into the book. And so the book explicitly plays with the reader’s expectations, and comments at times on paths the story could take. The book works without the metatextual commentary, it’s propulsive and a little wry. But the added layer really just adds to the intrigue: what’s historical fiction supposed to do? And does any of it even matter? 8. Out East: Memoir of a Montauk Summer, John Glynn

Out East is a coming out memoir that deals with entirely internal struggles and not external hardships. Of course, there is an incredible amount of privilege at play for a coming out to be devoid of external hardships. And yes, the memoir, about a group of (mostly white) friends who rent a beach house in Montauk for a summer, is steeped in privilege, which John Glynn is acutely aware of. But John Glynn is not asking for your sympathy, he is instead telling a deeply personal story about self discovery and sexuality in the 2010s. He captures the world-shattering confusion and fear of learning that you don’t know yourself in a visceral way that still somehow maintains perspective. I cannot say that this book is for everyone, but man, was it for me.

7. Red, White & Royal Blue, Casey McQuiston The year was 2019, and everything was awful. Enter Red, White & Royal Blue, a wildly escapist fantasy that dared to dream: what if the world wasn’t on fire? So Red, White & Royal Blue is truly the most escapist novel out there, a fun romp of a romantic comedy that is entirely unconcerned with the disasters of reality. No, we’re just going to take the biracial son of the first female President of the United States and the charming, responsible prince of England and let them fall in love. Let hijinks ensue. Let this wonderful, bubblegum, fizzy drink of a novel enter your brain and wipe away all your worries. God, I had a blast reading this novel. Make everything gay 2020.

6. Soonish: Ten Emerging Technologies That’ll Ruin and/or Improve Everything, Kelly & Zach Weinersmith

Soonish is the exact kind of nonfiction that I want. It made me feel smarter and also made me laugh. Soonish takes on exactly what its subhead describes: ten emerging technologies (robotics, fusion power, asteroid mining, bioprinting!) that may or may not prove disastrous. It walks through the current science and then the possibilities, and how far off those possibilities are. And then it walks through the potential benefits and consequences. It’s an incredibly accessible read, written with the right balance of information and levity, striking that xkcd Randall Munroe balance. And it also has very funny comics and illustrations interspersed throughout, which will just bring your life so much joy.

5. Just Mercy, Bryan Stevenson

Too real. Just Mercy is too real. This is not the right space to get into all that this book says about racial injustice and the flaws of the American justice system. It says a lot, and it says it extremely powerfully. But Just Mercy is Bryan Stevenson’s memoir, too. And it’s equally powerful for what it reveals about Stevenson. It’s so incredibly intimate, and Stevenson really lets the reader into his mind. And I think that openness really makes the whole thing land. Because Stevenson is hopeful and dedicated, and being that close to his inner thoughts ends up turning his story into something inspiring, not enervating. There’s an anecdote about an old woman on a bench outside the courthouse that Stevenson describes, and Stevenson’s retelling is so sure of the overwhelming, indomitable potential goodness of the human spirit that I may have shed a tear. Or two. Or a hundred.

4. The Song of Achilles, Madeline Miller

I’m not usually one for deeply tragic stories, but The Song of Achilles I guess is the exception that proves the rule. Locked into the Iliad’s telling of Achilles and Patroclus’ fate, The Song of Achilles feels tragic from the first line. But every sentence builds their relationship and makes you invested, even as tragedy looms. The writing is gorgeous and almost musical; the passion swells and crashes like an orchestra. The book smartly focuses on Patroclus’s humanity to ground Achilles. It’s through Patroclus that we see and understand Achilles, which makes the sharp turns, where we see through Achilles, cut even deeper. In any event, the whole affair is horrifyingly romantic, and I loved it.

3. Homegoing, Yaa Gyasi

Everything about Homegoing is spectacularly audacious. It is an economical 300 page book with the weight, scope, and ambition of a thousand page page epic fantasy series. Homegoing begins by telling the story of two sisters who, by the whims of circumstance or luck or fate, end up on wildly divergent paths. In Ghana in the 18th century, one is sold into slavery and the other marries an Englishman. Homegoing then follows the parallel paths of their descendants through eight generations. Though Homegoing only devotes a single chapter to each character, it manages to develop those characters and their specific settings in more detail than some entire books can. And these chapters are great not only because of what they say about the larger themes of racism and colonialism and family and history, but because of the nuanced, particularized stories they’re able to tell about the individuals.

2. Picture Us in the Light, Kelly Loy Gilbert

Contemporary Young Adult books can feel hit or miss for me. Many of them end up feeling a little shallow or juvenile. And this isn’t a criticism of the books, but a necessary side effect of the fact that I’m not the intended audience. But Picture Us in the Light knocked me over with more force than any “adult” book I read.

Picture Us in the Light, at first blush, is a typical story about Danny Cheng, a Chinese American high school student worrying about getting into college, swirls with weighty plot elements--suicide, citizenship, poverty, familial sacrifice--but never resorts to melodrama. Each issue is treated with a deft, steady hand. But more than anything, it is just the story of Danny Cheng trying to figure out his life. His voice is specifically crafted to reflect everything he is: an aspiring artist, the child of immigrants, Asian American, maybe queer, a Californian, and, maybe most importantly, a teenager. Because Picture Us in the Light turns the youth of its genre, its audience, and its main character into an asset; it channels that unformed teenage energy of wonder, uncertainty, and anxiety to heighten every emotional beat. And mostly, it brims with empathy and optimism for Danny and, really, for everyone.

1. The Starless Sea, Erin Morgenstern

The Starless Sea is the reason I read books. As a kid, I fell in love with reading by devouring entire series, getting lost in a fictional world for days or weeks or months at a time. What made reading so addicting was the feeling of being entirely immersed in the currents of a story. It’s a feeling I don’t get from books much any more. I read too fast, I think too much, and, mostly, I’m too easily distracted. But The Starless Sea brought that feeling of having just spent two weeks reading every Redwall or Lord of the Rings or Ender’s Game book and no longer being able to discern reality from fiction. And for that blissful literary hangover, it was the best book I read in 2019.

The Starless Sea is about Zachary Ezra Rawlins, a video game design graduate student, who comes across an old, unmarked book in his school library. In that book, he comes across a story that impossibly contains a moment from his past, and the book proceeds to unravel that mystery. However, this plot summary is misleading in its linearity; The Starless Sea is structured as books within a book, chapters will switch from the story of Zachary to the story Zachary is reading to maybe a different story altogether. And in this way, it unfolds as a puzzle box, or maybe as nesting dolls, or maybe a Mobius strip (or maybe all three), where figuring out exactly what stories are being told only adds to the experience. 

You won’t find a review of this book that doesn’t call Erin Morgenstern’s writing beautiful or atmospheric or dreamlike, which is appropriate because Erin Morgenstern’s writing is beautiful and atmospheric and dreamlike. Between the whimsical descriptive flourishes and the outward spiraling fantastical plot, the book is always on the verge of floating away or spinning out. But Zachary Ezra Rawlins grounds the story; he’s real and genuine and good, and never have I rooted more for a character. He believes in the power of a great story, and that’s ultimately what this book is about: the ways in which a story can sweep you away. And, truly, The Starless Sea just washed over me, lifted me up, and swept me away.

[7hyuns]

entirely altered

sehun x reader

warnings; hmm angst, choking, smut, swearing

word count; 5.8k

song; the blackest day - lana del rey 

requested; uwu yes !!  

-  Ouuu! Scenario request for Sehun from exo? Anything will do! Thank you 😄

a/n; :/// i’m really not too sure about this one?? pls give me some feedback so i know if this is like. god awful [this also isn’t spell-checked yet. forgive me]

You sometimes thought that there was something seriously wrong with you. That maybe the universe had spun on its head when you had been born and left you with some fatal flaw that you could never fully place. The blissful years of your life before realising this were a time you missed immensely, although you were certain that if you were by some miracle allowed to go back, the colours you remembered being so vivid in them would fade out to the same dull greys that followed you now.

It was when you’d let your mind slip away from you and think of these things that you’d feel a little melodramatic. The weight of all your thoughts and memories would press themselves to your chest and make you feel as if you were drowning, which you knew from the moments after this feeling receded, was slightly over-the-top. Although, having the knowledge that all you could feel outside of this was a dull nothingness made you wonder which was worse, or maybe it just made you try and guess at which you preferred.

Deciding that this day was appearing to be a melodramatic one, you let yourself fall back onto the comfort of your mattress, surrounded by a tangled mess of a couple blankets and your duvet. A sigh bubbled past your lips and into the silent atmosphere of the room; even with the knowledge that you had nothing better to do than lay there in your sheets, you still felt a nagging need to get up for the day. You imagined making the effort to push yourself up and out of bed, the mere mental image making you groan in displeasure and curl further into the warmth around you. That same weight was holding itself languidly against you, making the idea of mundane actions feel like impossibly intricate tasks.

In defiance of the feeling, you pushed yourself upwards, swinging your bare legs to rest over the side of your bed until your toes skimmed the wooden floor, recoiling slightly at the cold. Over the course of your life, specifically when you’d decided you were prepared enough to move out to be on your own, you’d had to learn had to deal with your moods, as does everyone. As with the usual storm cloud that followed you on these kinds of days, you felt the need to catastrophise your situation when you already knew that rationally there was nothing wrong. 

You flattened your feet against the floor and stood up, pausing for a moment to look back in disappointment at the mess of covers that you could still have been sprawled out within. The natural impulse to attempt to find something productive to do got the better of you, and you went to your learned routine to prepare yourself for a day spent in the solitude of your home. You slipped yourself into the shower, wanting to see if the hot water would do anything to clear your mind, already knowing it would do little to nothing as it always did.

Positioning yourself in clear view of the mirror above your sink, you pushed some strands of wet hair away from your face as took a small moment to take yourself in. Usually, when you were feeling dramatic enough, you would pick apart your features and decide what you didn’t like about them, but the effort of doing that didn’t appear to be within you today. This made you unsure of what to do next, the towel that was wrapped tightly around your body feeling constricting for a second as your brain scrambled at the loss of routine movement.

The muffled sound of your phone ringing jolted you out of the moment, and you found yourself moving quickly to catch the call. You saw your friends contact name across the screen, a buzz of relief spreading across your chest knowing you wouldn’t have to carry the conversation for a longer period of time. You drug the answer icon across, sitting yourself onto the edge of your bed and reaching the loose towel in your hand to try and speed up the process of drying your hair.

“Why is it that you always seem to ignore my texts but answer my calls? Do you just like hearing my voice?” You heard a light tease once you’d answered, a small laugh passing your lips in response.

“I was in the shower,” you justified lightly, “is it an emergency?”

A light laugh met your ears, “Yes! Yes, it is. We’re all going out tonight and you’re the only one who we couldn’t reach,” you opened your mouth to respond before something cut over you, “I should really expect it by now, though, hm?”

You found yourself laughing softly again, eyes going to glance out the window to check the weather, seeing the sky was at a heavy grey. Your eyes dropped to the chair by your desk in your room, skimming to catch the sight of a jacket you hadn’t realised was still there until just in that moment. It made you fall into a bout of silence, your mind turning back to the last time that you’d seen the owner of the jacket, making you breathe in sharply. This gave you a spiral of other ways you could be spending the day, of all the different things you could be doing without having to work up the effort to head out into the cold air.

“Actually,” you answered after a minute, clearing your throat before continuing, “I think I might already have plans.”

“Ah,” you heard a light tease in response, “boy plans?”

You scoffed under your breath, “Uh-huh.”

Another bright laugh met your ears, settling any lingering worry that she’d be offended you weren’t coming because of a boy, “Well, have fun with your boy plan. Call me if the plans change, though?”

“Yeah, of course, have a good night,” you responded, mumbling out the usual string of ‘good-bye, I love you, be safe,’ before hanging up the phone. You sat blankly for a moment, letting your eyes fixate on the jacket as your hand snaked to touch the left-over marks on your collarbones. Your phone began to feel heavy in your hand as you tried to think of what you would say to him ahead of time, picturing the different ways you could string the text together.

You fumbled slightly, finding the message thread that you’d never gotten round to deleting and opening it up, briefly letting yourself see the other texts – always in fours, it seemed. It was always him that started the conversation, too, with the generic, ‘You busy tonight?’ which always seemed to be followed by a, ‘No.’ From then, he’d give you a time and you’d confirm or deny it to be good for you.

Thinking about in detail, as you seemed to so desperately want to do today, you couldn’t even fully remember the first time you met Sehun. It didn’t matter, you supposed, it wasn’t like that question was ever going to be asked by anyone but yourself. All that really mattered between the two of you was that you had an easy-going arrangement that worked for the both of you, for what you could only imagine was vastly different reasons. Sehun always appeared, at least to you, like he was just having a good time, and who could you be to see anything wrong with that? For you, though, you couldn’t really be sure why you were still seeing him. Maybe you just liked him enough to have him be something casual to fall back on, or maybe you were looking for someone who didn’t ask too many questions about why your moods were so quick to jump from one extreme to another. Either way, you’d found that in him, even if you’d never been one to contact him first.

           [16:11] You: are you busy tonight?

Sending the text felt strange, but the waiting around for an answer was even stranger. You picked at the different scenarios like a scab, although you could feel yourself actively getting annoyed with your own actions. You would have something to do tonight whether he responded or not, so why did it matter? In reality, you knew it was probably as simple as you wanting to get off while putting the least effort into the situation as possible, but that didn’t seem to click with the other part of your brain. The notification sound of your phone made you jump slightly, the sudden flicker of the screen that you’d been staring expectantly at adding to the sensation.

           [16:16] Sehun: depends, what time do you need me?  

You’d forgotten about the sensitivity that came with the dramatic feelings, and the bluntness of his response made your heart tighten in your chest. A moment of debate took place then, a beat too long for your liking, making you wonder whether or not you should overthink this or not before responding. You decided not to think further into it, but you found yourself re-reading the word need over and over like a scripture. Part of you wanted to scoff at the narcissism you weren’t sure he would find a way to convey over text, but the other part knew he was perfectly correct in the assumption this time around. No matter what mood you were in, he always found a way to fit with it and never seemed to complain at whichever way you treated him depending on which emotion was controlling your day.

           [16:20] You: whatever time you’re free

           [16:20] Sehun: i’ll be there by 6

///

To further prove your decision that today was a today based around melodrama, you had made sure you were absolutely and completely ready with ten minutes to spare. Having been doing this for a while, you knew Sehun was pretty good at getting there on time, but whenever you felt like this, you made sure to be ready faster. On other days, you couldn’t care less about being ready when he got there, and he’d wait patiently outside for you to be done.

For the most part, you got yourself made up for yourself in these moments, so you could have that feeling of being confident. But in this mood, it always seemed to be about impressing somebody else. You dropped your head back to rest on the back of your sofa, your skirt riding up slightly, although you couldn’t find the effort to care as a furrow found its way between yours brows. Generally speaking, you could barely handle your own feelings, especially the two prevalent ones that swarmed around you, which always lead you to wonder – how does anyone else? Your friends put it down to that just being your personality, and for that you supposed you were grateful, knowing you didn’t have to justify it to them. But there had been countless times when you’d been too dramatic and too emotional for a situation, and there’d been countless times when you hadn’t had enough or any kind of reaction to situations that needed one.

And, that, you supposed, drug you back to your earlier thoughts. Maybe you let Sehun come in and out of your life as he pleased because he dealt with your feelings without ever digging further into the situation. If part of the natural human complex was needing companionship, you were glad you’d somehow found someone who was able to fit with either mood without making you feel lesser because of it. And, even if you knew it would end with this mood, you found yourself beginning to indulge the idea of getting more from Sehun, of him feeling something more for you like you did. Or like you did sometimes. You could never be exactly sure whether you liked him because of who he was, or because you purely loved the attention and affection he was always so willing to give you.

A knock sounded through the apartment, and you wondered if you should answer the door slower in an attempt to appear less like you were waiting on him. A sheer and sudden rush of excitement got the better of you as you pulled yourself to your feet, padding your way to the front door as you double-checked yourself in the mirror. You pulled the door handle down to reveal him, dressed in jeans and a black shirt, slipping his phone into his front pocket as grinned at you.

“You texted first,” he greeted as you moved to let him step inside, the words calling for an embarrassed flush to cover your cheeks as you fumbled to think of something to say.

You assumed that after a while you’d find a sort of natural comfort with him, and be able to speak freely and not have the overwhelming worry of appearing to be something he would see as uncollected, as you did with friends. That never seemed to click into place, though, and you still found yourself struggling to find a sentence that didn’t sound bad in your own mind. In all honesty, you’d only seen yourself texting first if you’d gotten low again while feeling empty, as you imagined that would be the only time you wouldn’t care enough about his reaction to go for it.

Glancing back up from where you’d lost your focus again, you saw him continuing to grin at you, as if he’d automatically picked up that he was flustering you again. His ability to notice that detail made you wonder if he actively knew which emotion was steering you whenever he came over. You offered him a small shrug, giving up on finding the correct words to say as you began to fear the possibility of the atmosphere growing awkward without you speaking.

“You left your jacket,” you mumbled, feeling the lack of being prompted as soon as the words had passed your lips, making you internally cringe.

Sehun just hummed softly, “Alright, I’ll take it with me today.”

Your mouth felt impossibly dry, and your mind spun faster than normal as you offered him a nod in response. A swarm of irritation at yourself bubbled up inside of you, making your muscles tense; you’d never found this much awkwardness in conversing with him before. You felt unsure, like there were a thousand eyes on you, and you couldn’t figure out why. Of course, you never felt entirely natural in these moments, but you never felt as tensed up as you did right then.

The feeling of warm hands cupping your jaw caught your attention, making you glance up to see Sehun observing you intently, the slightest of furrows between his brows as he waited for an answer to a question you hadn’t heard. He quirked one of his brows at you in expectancy, a breathy laugh passing his lips as he realised you’d been too internally busy to hear him.

“What are you thinking about?” You heard him ask, and the question caught you slightly off guard. If you wanted to think about, which you didn’t, you couldn’t really remember the times that you’d communicated about anything other than what you wanted from one another. You couldn’t even remember a time when either of you had asked the other about their day, let alone what they were spending their time thinking about.

You let out a breathy laugh, mirroring his earlier reaction, almost in an attempt to assure him that everything was still as normal, whatever that was expected from you. “I’m, you know, a lot.”

He tilted his head at you in genuine curiosity, “A lot about what?”

Something tightened in your chest, and you felt the dramatic emotion that would have made butterflies flutter in your stomach if this had happened a few seconds sooner slip away as you felt that same emptiness attempt to curl itself around you. You shrugged softly, looking away from his eyes, “Does it matter?”

You expected him to blanch at this, or at least take some slight offence in your sudden bluntness. Instead, he simply grinned, “Not if you don’t want it to,” he mumbled, one of his hands dropping from your jaw to curl around your waist as he collided your lips with his. The action made it feel like your body was breathing out a sigh of relief, whether it was because you could almost say you’d missed kissing him, or just because it was giving you something else to focus on, you didn’t know, and you didn’t particularly care.

Your hands found their way to his hair, tugging on the strands slightly as he groaned softly into your mouth. His tongue skimmed along your bottom lip, and you found yourself letting him take control of the kiss with no concern over interrupting as he did. The window of letting go of any thought process was a small one, and you felt yourself jump at the chance to feel some form of completeness.

Sehun curled his other arm around your waist for a short second, his mouth leaving yours to trail sloppy, out-of-breath ones down your jaw and onto your throat as he grunted a small, “Jump.”

A small bout of nervousness ran through you at the request, being unsure of whether or not that was actually a good idea if you were going to be realistic with yourself. But, you had concluded in the few seconds you had to breathe clearly, you weren’t in the mood to indulge any rationality today. You gathered your confidence and jumped, feeling his arms curl underneath your thighs and catching you, holding you tightly against him as he walked you both backwards, stopping as he reached the beginning of the hallway to your bedroom. He slammed you against the wall, for a reason you couldn’t place other than some kind of overt desperation, but you also couldn’t find it within yourself to want to complain.

His grip on you tightened slightly, his lips making their way back to your own as his movements gained in their roughness. The kiss was sloppier than before, your lips moving against one another’s without him setting a rhythm, leaving you an opportunity to take some of the control back for yourself. You found yourself not wanting to, and instead you simply followed along with his messy actions until he slowed himself down, his lips again beginning to trail away from your own and down onto the skin of your neck. The harsh feeling of him starting to put pressure down on the places his teeth skimmed to leave marks you’d no doubt come across later made you release a soft moan.

“Sehun,” you moaned quietly, hoping he’d see it as a plea for him to finally move you both into the bedroom.

His movements slowed, and for a clouded moment you thought he was going to stop altogether, although a small hum left his lips a moment after, “Be patient.”

Biting back the huff that sat on the dry skin of your lips, you dropped your head as far back as it could go against the surface of the wall, giving Sehun more space to cover. You felt his teeth dig into your skin particularly hard, and you felt a surge of relief roll through you at the sensation, your mind buzzing in the aftermath of the sudden mixed jolt of pleasure and pain. A shocked whimper tumbled from your mouth before you could stop it, and through the haze you found yourself slipping into, you heard him chuckle in response.

All the feelings he’d been giving you stopped entirely, and you felt a rush of disappointment mingle with annoyance as you dropped your head forward in preparation to complain. You felt the sturdy surface of the wall behind you disappear, leaning yourself further into Sehun so you wouldn’t fall as his arms tightened around your figure again. The passage of time between him navigating his way to your bedroom was seemingly too long, and you found yourself attempting to leave as many small marks as possible in the free moments you had. It made you wonder what he thought whenever he saw the marks you’d leave him with, whether he’d see it as you did or if he thought nothing of them after he was away from you.

Your back hit your mattress, seconds later followed by Sehun hovering above you, his jean clad leg slipped between your thighs to knock them apart for him to manoeuvre between. His mouth returned to yours for the briefest of moments before he seemed to become impatient, his mouth moving to copy his earlier actions of finishing of the marks he’d started leaving. You couldn’t stop your mind spinning ahead of you, lingering questions in your head stopping you from being fully in the moment with him as you began to feel that immense pressure on your chest again.

“Do it again,” you moaned softly, your hands moving to thread through the strands of his hair as his met the hem of your skirt. He hummed in questioning, pulling himself away from you so he could see your face as you answered, “That thing, the thing you did earlier, do it again, please.”

The corners of his mouth turned upwards as he dropped his head down again, and seconds later you felt the same sharp sting of his teeth digging harshly into the skin of your neck as a collection of small whimpers met the relative silence of the room around you both. His hand slid up your skirt, moving to your covered heat as he pressed his knuckle down against you, making your hips grind upwards in search of more. You were always going to want more.

Screwing your eyes shut tightly to erase the thoughts in your mind, you pushed his shirt up, seeing him notice what you wanted as a complacent look crossed his features. The hand that had been pressed to your heat disappeared from between your legs to yank his shirt over his head, the fabric being thrown somewhere in the tidy space of your bedroom as his hands moved to bunch your shirt up. You pulled yourself to sit up slightly, dragging the bunched material of your shirt out of his hands and up off your body, dropping it onto the floor. He’s not going to give you anything more.

Your hands shook as they moved to cup his jaw, bringing his lips back to yours in a heated mess, your attempts to find a stable rhythm failing as Sehun took over. He detached himself from you, shoving you to drop onto your back as his weight disappeared from above you. You caught his eyes as he kicked his shoes off, his hands moving to undo his belt and push his jeans down his legs as he dropped to rest on his knees by the edge of the bed. His fingers moved along the skin of your thighs, teasing you with the idea of going where you wanted them before they changed course to meet the zip on your skirt, pulling it down afterwards.

Dropping your thighs open for him, his mouth immediately found it’s place leaving more marks onto your inner thighs, a place he usually left untouched. All the same, you found yourself pushing your hips up off the surface of the mattress in an attempt to gain a proper form of friction, but his arm slipped across your hips to push them back down, holding them still as he dug his teeth as harshly as earlier into the skin of your thigh. A loud moan of his name moved into the air, and he repeated this action a few times before you felt his fingers curl around the sides of your underwear as he pulled them down your legs, discarding them somewhere you couldn’t see. You’ll have to tidy all of this up earlier, when he’s gone.

“Sehun,” you whined, attempting to prompt him to do something more so your brain would get as clouded as it had mercifully been earlier. Another small laugh left his mouth as he finally began pressing minuscule open-mouthed kisses to your core. Your hips tried to move against the force of his arm, getting nowhere as he continued to give you the smallest bouts of friction. Moving your hands to curl into his hair, you tugged on the strands as he groaned against you, the vibrations from the sound causing you to suck in a harsh breath.

You felt two of his fingers press against your heat as you moaned slightly in anticipation, waiting for him to give you something more. The relief of finally having his fingers slip inside you made a string of moans pass your lips, his mouth moving to accompany the movements of his fingers as you felt the knot begin to build up in your stomach.

These actions within themselves were not particularly unusual, but what set the moment apart appeared to be that he didn’t seem like he was going to stop until you hit your high. Normally, this would just be used as a quick warm up to get you both ready, but as his fingers sped up their actions and his mouth moved along with them, you could feel the curiosity as to how far he was going to make you go begin to build up.

You felt your high hit you as his lips stopped their movements, relying on his fingers to have you ride out the feeling. Small moans of his name continued to leave your mouth for a few moments after he stopped, and you felt his presence finally make itself apparent above you again. The after-shocks of your high kept moving through you, your mind feeling completely clouded and full of thoughts that could only directly relate to the moment as you lightly whined again, pressing a weak kiss to his jaw in an attempt to have his lips back on yours.

A soft laugh met your ears, making you grin in response, “You feeling needy, princess?”

You wanted to scoff like you usually did when he teased you, but the use of the pet-name caught more of your attention than it should have. Instead, you just leant into the way he cupped your cheek, letting him bring you to his lips and press them against yours softer than he had before. The lack of desperation, or anything other than pure enjoyment of the sensation, in the kiss made your head spin, almost having to break away to avoid the heat creeping onto your cheeks. You hooked your fingers into the waistband of his underwear, pushing them halfway down until he caught the message enough to pull them the rest of the way off. His lips didn’t seem to want to leave yours, parting for a second to pull in a ragged breath before he reconnected your lips. This doesn’t mean anything.

It felt like your brain had switched onto white noise, your body feeling heavy at the idea of losing this as his lips finally disconnected from your own, dropping to press soft, rushed kisses over the blooming bruises on your throat. His hands moved to cautiously grip your hips, not having the same roughness as they used to. Part of you wanted to think that meant something, it doesn’t, you know that already, but the other part of you wants him to hurry up so your mind stops spinning. You grabbed at the hairs at the nape of his neck, tugging on them as you whined in protest with how slow he was taking things.

A breathy laugh past his lips as reached over your head to open the draw of your bedside table, his hand scrambling around for a second before he pulled out a condom, and you huffed as he deliberately took his time sliding it on. He lined himself up with your core, his teeth grazing the skin of your shoulder as he slid himself into your heat.

He set a slower pace than you wanted, but his hips snapped against yours hard enough for you to ignore that. A groan of your name made you want nothing more than to have his lips back against yours, but the opportunity to hear more of those noises spill from his lips had you holding yourself back. His hand snaked up from your hip, moving to cup your jaw, although you reached to grip his wrist as it reached your throat.

“Choke me,” you moaned, guiding his hand so his fingertips were gently touching the space of your throat.

He blanched slightly, his hips stuttering against you as his thrusts almost paused altogether. “Are you sure?” He asked quickly, the pressure against your throat already beginning to increase as he dropped his hand to rest comfortably against you.

You nodded up at him, eyes catching the slight glint of concern within them before you nodded faster, “Yes, yeah, completely, please,” you whined, watching him nod slowly in response before his hand tightened on the sides of your throat timidly. The unsureness within the action faded as his hips began snapping against yours again, and you felt your mind go as hazy as you had desperately been wanting it to.

A steady chant of his name passed your lips, your head dropping back again as he made the most of having his hand curled around your throat. His other hand slipped between your legs, drawing figure eights as the small moans that interrupted his name grew in volume as the knot in your stomach began to build up again.

Jumbled groans and grunts passed his lips, mixing with the chants of his name passing your lips, but as his hips began losing any sense of their steadiness or rhythm and increased their pace, his hand left your throat for a small moment before he moved it back, “Fuck, princess, you always make me feel so good.”

The mumble made his hot breath ghost against the skin of your shoulder, your high becoming an almost tangible thing as your mind kept itself clouded over, nothing breaking through the moment you were in with him. Sehun slowed for the shortest of seconds, “I’m close,” he grunted, his teeth skimming over the earlier mark on your throat, making you whimper from the occasional sting it caused.

You nodded against him, only trusting your voice enough to say his name. You felt the knot in your stomach begin to come undone as he moaned softly, signalling he was about to hit his release too. Just as he did, you heard him groan softly, “God, fuck, I love you.”

For a moment, you couldn’t even fully comprehend that any words had been spoken, your high hitting you impossibly hard as your mind became blissfully silent in the wake of his hips as they slowed to a stop. He stilled for a moment, hovering above you still as his hand left your throat and his body untangled itself from you, much to your dismay. You weren’t sure what the next movement was supposed to be; if you were supposed to ask about it or pretend it never happened. You weren’t sure what to think of it either, what your position on it was, but your mind was, once again, running off ahead of you as you struggled to keep up.

It was in the heat of the moment. He knows what he said. It’s not as deep as you’re making it. You’re never going to know if you don’t ask him.

Gratefully – or maybe almost comically tragically – you realised in this moment that the two emotions you were in a constant loop with were not the only ones that existed for you. The third feeling that entered didn’t bring you anymore hope, instead it reaffirmed the long-term theory you had that something must be wrong with you. It was a strange mix of that same emptiness and the feeling of some great catastrophe plaguing you, making your body want to curl in on itself.

You adjusted yourself to sit up, debating reaching for one of your stray blankets to cover yourself, but instead you simply pulled your arms to your chest, standing up and grabbing the hoodie that you’d discarded in your room a while ago and slipping it on. You noted that Sehun was already redressing himself, causing panic to rise in your chest as you struggled to find a reason to keep him there, or anything you could say to make the pain blooming underneath your skin go away.

He glanced up from where he was buckling his belt, catching your eyes on him and immediately dropping out from the gaze, evidently unsure of what he should do, as well. You couldn’t seem to stop yourself from thinking anymore, wishing you could gain that nothingness where you wouldn’t be thinking about anything. Then again, you supposed if you had that feeling you’d want that constant blaring melodrama to be making you think so much. And now, things felt even worse, because there was nothing to fall back on and search for stabilisation on.

Sehun himself seemed impossibly tensed, unsure of what the next move was supposed to be now that he didn’t know how to act with you. He knew how to act when you were being dramatic and clingy with him, and he knew how to act when you just wanted him to give you something else to think about. But now that he didn’t know what you were feeling, he felt completely useless.

“Hey, princess?” He questioned softly, holding his shirt softly in his hands as you nodded at him in response to the nickname, “what are you thinking about?” He asked gently.

You shrugged, not sure how to summarise all the things that were rushing through your mind, “Why…why did you say that?”

Sehun paused for a moment, “I…I don’t know. Maybe I really do love you.”

You curled your arms around your mid-section, trying to give yourself some form of comfort while you struggled to understand both what he was saying and all the things you were thinking. “Oh,” you offered, looking down at your feet as you struggled to think of how this was making you feel.

You glanced back up as Sehun pulled his shirt back over his head, “You know where I’ll be,” he spoke evenly, and you found yourself offering him nothing more than an unsure nod as he turned to walk out from your bedroom. You pictured the path he’d be taking through your apartment, backtracking until he reached the front door and left, hearing the sound of it closing behind him resound through the space.

Taking a quick glance around the room, your eyes looked outside the window as you saw the rain you’d expected since earlier begin to splash against the pane, before you dropped your eyes to see the jacket you’d seen that afternoon, realising he’d forgotten once again, which only lead to make you wonder when – or if – you’d get the chance to give it back to him.

[cardboard-moon]

40 Things You Never Wanted To Know About Me

You probably already know me decently well or else you wouldn’t be reading this, so instead of rehashing the basic (boring) “getting to know me” questions I dug a little deeper and asked myself about what’s really important. Here is the result: 40 Things You Never Wanted To Know About Me. Enjoy!

1. What Parks and Rec character am I?

While I could argue for almost everyone on the show I’m probably most like Ben Wyatt: a white, brunette, and sad man who eats soup alone on a park bench (minus his love of math and rollerskate kink)

2: Top 5 books?

To Kill a Mockingbird, The Secret History, A Prayer for Owen Meany, The Help, 11/22/63

3: Top 5 movies?

Chinatown, Star Wars, Rear Window, National Treasure (nick cage can be good in small doses ok) and Nancy Drew (2007)

4: Top 5 shows?

Parks and Rec, B99, That 70′s Show, Mad Men, Arrested Development

5: Top 10 most iconic vines?

1) Chris is that a weed/Mary is that a police

2) Hi My Name is Trey I have A Basketball Game Tomorrow

3) Rebecca It’s Not What You Think

4) The one where the girl is just hitting elmo with a baseball bat

5) Anything Kermit but esp. the one where he falls off the building

6) You Know This Boy Got His Free Taco

7) 2 Bros Chillin in the Hot Tub

8) Waelcom to my Keeetchen we have bananis and avocadis

9) Whoever Threw That Paper Your Mom’s A Hoe

10) i spilled lipstick in your valentino bag (yOU SPILLED WHAHULAUG LIPSTICK IN MY VALENTINE WHITE BAG)

6: Where do I see myself in 21 years?

One of my dreams in life is to marry the heir to a prestigious winery out in wine country. I have a vision of myself at 39, waking up at 10 AM on a tuesday and standing on my private balcony in my state-of-the-art spanish stucco villa. i am drinking a chardonnay despite the early hour whilst i observe my grape empire in my silk negligee. the only event planned for the day is a portrait sitting for my rottweilers (4 of them), for which i have arranged spaces in the family’s private art gallery. i am aging well despite the harsh california sun and my partner and i have a trip to tuscany planned for the fall. it’s a charmed life and i never tire of eating grapes  

7: Top 5 favorite cryptids

1) Nessie (Nessie is a true lady I believe in her)

2) Mothman (not real)/ el chupacabra (possibly real)

3) the kraken (definitely real)

4) Bigfoot (not real but a legend anyways)

5) the yeti (real only in russia)

8: Do I Believe in Ghosts

It’s a complicated topic and of course we will likely never know for sure but the short answer is yes. in my opinion though, what ghosts are is the important question: are they really the dead coming back to haunt the earth? are they just manifestations of energy that the mind interprets into recognizable shapes? hallucinations? or is it wish fulfillment and the reduction of tensions on a heavy conscience? our brains are capable of powerful things, but it begs the question as to whether if a human desperately wants something to be true does the human mind have the power to make it true? c. s. lewis mentioned once that he never understood the ghost debate since, given that ghosts are real, they have no real power over us or anything interesting to say. but i believe that just goes to show how the mystery is far often more important than the solution.

9: Best/Worst Month of the Year

Best: May/November (spring/fall in full swing, holidays, time off school, great atmosphere) Worst: August (too dang hot & start of school)

10: What is one of my embarrassing secrets

I didn’t learn how to tie my shoes until I was nine (velcro ftw)

11: What is my Dream Date

We go cryptid hunting in the woods and have a picnic in the dark; you supply dogs for entertainment and guardianship purposes, i supply drinks and the cryptozoological myths we are chasing. Afterwards we get gelato

12: Top 3 Presidents

(this is based solely on arbitrary opinion not policies) 1) Barry Obama 2) Lincoln  3) Millard Fillmore (his name is funny) 

Honorable mention: jimmy carter (he was the only noncorrupt man in office for like 30 years before barry)

13: Top 3 Vice Presidents

1) John Adams, if nothing else but for the drama this man caused 2) Walter Mondale 3) the big boy JB 

Honorable Mention: Nichard Rixon

14: Top 3 Secretaries of State

1) Madeline Albright 2) Henry Clay 3) Elihu P. Washburn 

(note: secretaries of state have the funniest names, like Hamilton Fish (1869-1877) rest easy Mr. Fish)

15: Worst Activity they make you do in middle school PE

Middle school P.E. is the worst in general but I’m going to say either grading you on your shotput skills (?) or BMI (??) or just the tuesday run in general (luther kids know)

16: Top 4 Worst Scents

1) Washing a knife covered in peanut butter 2) Really cheap perfume that they sell in checkout lines at convenience stores 3) Olives 4) organic deodorant

17: Top 7 Conspiracy Theories

1) The Denver Airport is an underground military fallout shelter designed to protect the 1% from nuclear warfare

2) A Roman pope adjusted the Gregorian calendar so that his reign would fall on 1000 AD so we’re actually living in the year 1783

3) Paul McCartney is dead and was replaced prior to the Seargant Pepper album by a lookalike named Billy Shears

4) The state of Wyoming is a myth

5) Avril Lavigne died and was replaced back in the early 00’s

6) The Titanic sank because too many people went back in time to prevent it from sinking

7) Not to be cliche George Bush and the military-industrial complex orchestrated the 9/11 attacks (jet fuel can’t melt steel beams and all that)

18: Inside jokes with myself

I’m not usually a “gamer” but every year without fail someone introduces me to a game exactly at finals time and I get hooked and it ruins my gpa and study habits. This year it’s Stardew Valley, last year it was Dream Daddy and the year before that it was undertale and I blame Jojo for absolutely all of it bc they are usually the instigator. Anyway, every year I joke with myself about what game will derail my grades this year

19: Top 5 Worst Tactile Sensations

1) Putting tights or leggings on wet, hairy legs post-shower

2) Running fingernails along cardboard

3) Sweating in a turtleneck

4) Having wet, salty hair after swimming that drips down onto your back and makes the top of your shirt damp

5) Reaching into a bag of grapes and only finding really soft, slimy ones

20: Best Cat I’ve ever encountered

One time my friend and I were leaving Romancing the Bean and walking back to her car and the fattest, fluffiest, softest ginger cat I’ve ever seen came trotting up to us and flopped over at our feet. He was such a good boy!!! And so friendly with strangers!! He was very well groomed and just wanted some love, and whenever we stopped petting him he would jump up onto our legs and leave little wet paw prints everywhere, I wanted to kidnap him

21: Best dog I’ve ever encountered

All of them

22: Best squirrel I’ve ever encountered

My dad has befriended a squirrel named Nutty that likes to sneak into his office when the door’s open and steals peanuts. if the door is closed he’ll bang on it and scream until we acknowledge him

23: If I were a furry what would my fursona be

I do not know because I am not a furry. HOWEVER someone who is well-versed in furry matters told me once that I would be one of those long, nervous dogs like a greyhound maybe and tbh I could see it

24: Favorite/Least Favorite Disneyland Rides

My favorite has always been haunted mansion, except for the halloween season when it’s nightmare before christmas and then it’s thunder mountain. I just love the outside atmosphere of the house bc I’m a slut for that southern gothic architecture style. Worst is splash mountain because there’s no seatbelt and LOGICALLY i know I don’t need one but it doesn’t stop me from having a panic attack every time I get on and we go up the big hill as I worry about being flung from the toboggan across the park

25: Least favorite restaurant within 10 mile radius of my house

I live over by Porto’s so I am #blessed to be surrounded by some really dope food. However there is a hipster place a couple of blocks over in Toluca Lake that only serves bizarre food like fried chicken in maple syrup with waffle fries and it’s surprisingly bland, so the lack of taste combines with how expensive it is probably makes it the worst (it’s also forgettable bc I can’t even remember its name)

26: Rank of JBHS history department according to how good of a parent they would be

9.Mr. Bixler - I have never had this man so I can’t say shit. NA/10

8. Ms. Snowden - I’ve never had her either but I’ve heard enough about her between Burroughs and Luther to know that this woman is kind of scary, intimidating and uptight, all things I personally do not desire in a parent. 2/10

7. Mr. Hatch - I love Scott Hatch but he is a tremendous mess of a man. Judging by his wife’s instagram photos his idea of parenting is taking naps while cuddling his children and letting his wife do the rest of the hard work. Plus he seems like the type to be too wrapped up in his own melodrama and too busy hangin out with his best friend Edward Frankenbush playing Xbox to pay much attention to his kids. However, he did skip the first day of school to take his daughter to kindergarten so he gets points for that. 4/10

6. Mr. Lee - Mr. Lee is a very respectable guy who seems like he does a very good job providing for his family. He’s ranked as middle of the road because he’s a naturally private person so I can’t speak to his parenting tactics or personality much, however the few stories he shared about his daughter were very cute and he does the typical teacher/parent things like making her his screensaver on his computer. Overall, a very quality dad and man, 6.5/10

5. Mr. Fitz - Kyle Fitzgerald is similarly a mess of a man, but the difference between him and Scott Hatch is that he seems to make an investment in his kid. He always talks about current events in terms of what idiocy his poor daughter will have to put up with which shows his devotion to her well-being and survival in a confusing world. Also he brought her in to go swimming once while I was working at Verdugo and I got to see them having a great time on the splash pad and it warmed my heart. Great dad 7/10

4. Mr. Piper - Richard Piper is such a good father but in a detached way. He loves talking about his son and wife just as much as he loves talking about planes. The real kicker? When he talks about taking his son ON planes and geeking out over history together. He also asked all of his classes for people looking for tutoring work when his son was struggling in math which is so cute. Good guy Rick gets an 8/10.

2. (tie) Mr. Frankenbush and Ms. Hacker - Ed and Jan are both beautiful people. I know Ms. Hacker is #divisive but I personally am a big fan and would die to have her guidance in my daily life. She’s always interested in what’s going on in people’s lives and sure she’s definitely chaotic but it’s a loving chaos that’s only looking to help other people. I’ve not had the pleasure of having Mr. Frankenbush but he always is hanging out with his son Joey and they love coming to the Burroughs pool and playing water polo together; they spend a lot of time together since his wife works so much and they have such a buddy friendship. Both of these lovely people are super devoted and invested in the youth and would make great parents. 9/10

1. Mr. Clark - A god. We don’t deserve this man and I can’t sing his praises enough. Were were all lucky enough to be Greg’s children I don’t think evil would exist in the world. 11/10

27: Worst book I read for school

Hands down Tale of Two Cities since it’s the only one I’ve never finished. Dickens just doesn’t do it for me I guess plus I get really tired of the one dimensional characters and how much he romanticizes Lucy

28: Favorite little-known tidbit of history

When Richard Nixon went to Soviet Russia as Eisenhower’s VP during the cold war his secret service agents detected higher than usual amounts of radiation coming from Nixon’s hotel room, so they started talking loudly about it bc they knew the Soviets had planted buds and were listening. Within like an hour the radiation had vanished and they never heard anything about it again so man Soviet’s ain’t sly

29: 5 Places in Burbank That Are Definitely Haunted

1. Coral Cafe for obvious reasons, look up the ghost on youtube

2. The View seems like it would have some kind of el chupacabra-esque creature prowling around, maybe a mountain lion hybrid

3. Fry’s Electronics

4. The abandoned train station under the bridge

5. The LA river by the equestrian center

30: Rank of all the AP classes i took in order of entertainment value

9) AP Bio: I liked bio but the class wasn’t very entertaining. There’s not a lot of humor in bacteria and cells, and Mr. Van Loo is much more of a calming than a humorous and chaotic presence, so overall it takes the hit as the least entertaining class.

8) AP Stats: Math is similarly not very entertaining, but Mrs. Hollingshed’s erratic personality gives it the edge over Bio. Definitely more humorous than expected of a math class.

7) AP Econ: I bombed econ and business/money isn’t very entertaining but Jan Hacker made it so thanks to her chaos (love her though).

6) AP Euro: European history is incredibly iconic because, spoiler alert, Europeans are idiots and historically speaking everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. I just wish I remember it since I think idiot sophomore Lily slept through most of the class so needless to say I didn’t soak up much of the entertainment value. If it were up to me I’d take it over again and maybe stay awake this time.

5) AP Lit: Lit was just as much challenging and intimidating as it was entertaining, so it balances out. Mrs. Caluya is notably iconic and the books we read were all pretty interesting so it gets a high vote from me.

3) (tie) Gov/APUSH: History is always entertaining in my eyes since people do stupid things out of pettiness. These two tie for different reasons: Mr. Piper is a great teacher and that mock trial we did for the industrial age was great, but the subject was also extremely entertaining overall. I loved reading about how John Adams made making fun of him illegal. Gov was mostly just entertaining because of Mr. Hatch and how salty his is about the government. His sarcastic comments about how corrupt everything is gave life to an otherwise pretty lifeless subject.

2) AP Lang: aka the class with no curriculum, or the Kuglen Hour. I love Mr. Kuglen so much and he is responsible for 99% of the amusement in the class. I somehow learned how to be a better writer by listening to him complain about Trump and everything else under the sun for an hour every day so it was well worth it. Also who doesn’t like a class where you read Dave Sedaris for homework?

1) AP Psych: Without question, this is the epitome of entertainment. Psychology is just a mishmash of people trying to figure out why humans are as stupid as we are and why we do dumb things. Add in all the iconic psychologists and history and a class led by salty Mr. Hatch and you have a recipe for an entertaining year.

31: Top 5 Iconic JBHS teachers that I NEVER had (no particular order)

Mr. Peebles: A quirky man who I would have loved were I any good at math whatsoever

Mr. Arakelian: Band kids hate him but the stories I hear are so frickin iconic that I wish I could be an honorary band kid for a day and see the horror firsthand. If you have Arakelian stories please send them my way I’d love to hear about your pain

Mr. Frankenbush: A sad boi who everyone should get to experience and I regret never having.

Dr. Madooglu: He was so kind to me after the failed anti-trump lunchtime protest last year and he didn’t even know me. I wish I could’ve experienced him as a teacher.

Mr. Clark: The man, the myth, the legend

32: List of some iconic swim horror stories

Charlie breaking his hand after he lost a race and punched the gutter as hard as he could

Some idiot JV boys smearing poop all over the Burbank High locker room

The entire JV team getting Burroughs swim banned from Islands

Me almost passing out at the Los Amigos meet last year after I didn’t eat or sleep all day

Everyone always feigning illness or injury to get out of swimming the 4x100 relay

Getting in trouble for watching boys volleyball practice instead of doing the weight room sets

Every. Single. 5AM morning practice before school.

When coach martin finally figured out how periods work and suddenly we couldn’t use that as an excuse for not swimming anymore

33: What Office Character Would I Be

A mix between Angela, Oscar, and Kelly (we love our dramatic icons)

34: #1 Thing I’d Bring With Me to a Desert Island

Castaway for instructional purposes

35: What Would I call my memoir

Schadenfreude

36: 7 Best Buzzfeed Unsolved Episodes (no particular order)

This is one of my favorite shows so these are my recommendations:

1. 3 Horrifying Cases of Ghosts and Demons - one of the very first and best episodes; a 45-minute special where the Boys investigate the Winchester house in San Francisco, the Island of the Dolls in Mexico, and the Sallie House in Kansas

2. The Strange Disappearance of D. B. Cooper - A man going by the name of Dan Cooper hijacked a plane, demanded money and passage to Mexico, and then at some point jumped out of the plane and was never seen again. To this day no one knows his identity or his fate despite some of the ransom money turning up in a river somewhere.

3. The Haunted Halls of Waverly Hills Hospital - Ryan and Shane explore an abandoned asylum in Pennsylvania and some creepy stuff ensues. One of the best supernatural episodes

4. The Thrilling Gardner Museum Heist - An almost hilarious story (with reenactments!) about a seriously inept security guard and the loss of some of the world’s most beloved paintings. This was one of the first episodes after they started making money and the production quality is off the charts 

5. The Scandalous Murder of William Desmond Taylor - Another excellent reenactment story about one of Hollywood’s first and biggest scandals, the suspicious murder of a leading film producer.

6. The Enigmatic Death of the Isdal Woman - A woman’s body was found suspiciously burned in the European wilderness and no one knows who she is or how exactly she was killed. Watch if you like espionage!

7. The Strange Killing of Ken Rex McElroy - An entire town seemingly rose up to murder a douchey, violent pedophile. One of the only episodes that’s actually happy?

37: 6 Things I would Have Changed About High School

1. Definitely would have joined yearbook as soon as I could

2. Wouldn’t have forced myself to swim for all 4 years; if the passion’s gone then you shouldn’t force it. It’s just a sign that you need to move on to better things

3. I would’ve taken more AP’s and maybe tried another stem ap class. I’ve always been self-conscious about how bad I am at math, but I’ve gotten a little better over the years and instead of being too afraid to challenge myself I would’ve liked to see how I could do and prove myself.

4. Worrying less about grades!! I killed myself over my grades for like three years and then I just kind of let myself go. I would have let myself have who knows how many more hours of sleep and taken the L on a couple of assignments; I’m still learning that my health is more important than perfection.

5. Meeting the right people! I wouldn’t have restricted myself to a few friends and would have branched out more by joinng stuff like JSA. It sucks meeting the right people your senior year and realizing that I was hanging out with the wrong people this whole time.

6. Spanish instead of French.

38: What Would I Name My Farm Animals if I had A Farm

I’d definitely name them all after female Shakespearian characters. My cows would be Hippolyta and Titania from Midsummer, my horse would be Desdemona from Othello, my chickens would be Gonereil, Regan, and Cordelia from King Lear and my goat would be named Gertrude from Hamlet

39: Most Useless Talent I Have

I have a really strong internal clock so when I don’t think about it too hard and guess intuitively I can usually predict how much time has passed/what time it is without looking at a clock. It’s really only useful for estimating how much time I wasted standing in the shower staring at the wall

40: Top Regret After Writing This:

Writing this instead of studying for my econ test in seven hours.

Thanks for reading!

[thesinglesjukebox]

SIGRID - STRANGERS [7.43] And finally, via William John, someone that yes, we could've covered a while back, or next month...

William John: It's been fashionable this year to exalt melodrama; arpeggiated synthesizer basically never goes out of style; and Scandinavian songs with protagonists positioned at the lonely end of the dancefloor will fill my mausoleum. At the centre of the Venn diagram of these three variables sits Sigrid's "Strangers," a barnstorming, enormous pop song unafraid to express a terrible notion generally reserved for inner monologues: that in spite of appearances and personal desires, sometimes a craved romance will always be mere fantasy. Usually, arriving at this realization is the kind of devastating blow that will lead you to sequestration from all elements of society aside from Netflix and Julien Baker. Sigrid instead adopts an uncompromising approach. Her bellowed chorus is defiant; her breathless middle eight reads on the page like dour pragmatism but is delivered with such charisma as to sound ascendant. When they interlock at the song's conclusion, the effect is exhilarating. Exhilaration is not what we're supposed to feel when the redemptive third act of our personal rom-coms fails to arrive; we're supposed to wallow forever in the disconnect of Act Two's sad, uncertain purgatory. "Strangers" demonstrates that when faced with the unpalatable, lucidity can beget strength, and that though searching for solace in others may prove unfruitful, heartache can always be mollified by a hammering synth. [10]

Will Adams: Somewhere between "Into You" and "Scared to Be Lonely" lies an anxious battleground that carries the heated, bristling synthbass of the former and the yearning resignation of the latter, and that is "Strangers." Sigrid is caught in the middle but still confident, knowing full well what lies in the night ahead and charging headfirst into it. [8]

Nortey Dowuona: Thumping bass hurdles a spread-out, flat drum pattern and thin, cascading synths pushing and enriching Sigrid's soft, light vocals. [7]

Alfred Soto: The thumping efficiency of this rather bloodless Norwegian pop is its own reward. [7]

Scott Mildenhall: It's hard to connect the promotional dots: is this The Big Single to coincide with Sound Of success, or will a re-push of "Don't Kill My Vibe" fill that role? If Sigrid wants to exceed the inauspicious "Popjustice favourite" feel this has, perhaps it should. What lets "Strangers" down is its melodic limitations -- or maybe more so Sigrid's vocal limitations. Its stated ambitions feel half-met, but a lingering leadenness makes it harder to get excited by than its vibrant forebear. [6]

Crystal Leww: "Don't Kill My Vibe" was annoying and made me believe that Sigrid is a problematic white, but I gotta cop to "Strangers" being a bop! [7]

Katie Gill: Man, this is a fun song. It's bright, it's amazingly danceable, and it's so perfectly tailored to her voice and skills. Sigrid makes singing it sound downright effortless, despite the points where you know she's making her runs and punctuation as precise as possible. [8]

Josh Langhoff: Having spent the last 20 minutes trying to predict the breaks in that "duggaduggaduggaduggA" synth-bass rhythm line, and having failed, I can testify that sometimes songs become more fun when they outsmart you. The tremulous edge of Sigrid's voice excels at both soaring melody and syncopated dance commanding, adding a whole other layer of rhythmic jolts. Like a 10-year-old car buried in the snow, "Strangers" takes a while to get going; but once the chimey atmospherics turn over into chugalug synthpop, the song sounds like it could run for days. [8]

Brad Shoup: It gets better as it goes along: stuttering bass-synth and Sigrid going double-time would be exhausting in full. Better to unfurl them in sequence. Still, I'm not sure why she added fake-concert claps, like this is Scooter or something. [6]

Ian Mathers: Once what I like to think of as the real synths kick in, their dark burble along with Sigrid's powerfully clear voice and a certain cleareyed bluntness in the lyrics make this feel more than a little like a less goth (or at least less phantasmagorical) Susanne Sundfør. [7]

Alex Clifton: I hear shades of early Ellie Goulding, but with more of a groove; Lights-era Goulding was never this upbeat. Sigrid cited "Dancing on My Own" in an interview for this song, which also shows: it's got such an undercurrent of buoyancy, even as she sings "it could never be us." [9]

Ryo Miyauchi: I can see where Sigrid's going a little too well. The lines fit too clean, and she sets the build-up to that distorted beat too perfect for her take on "Dancing on My Own" to really hit home. [6]

Katherine St Asaph: It's a good song and all. It's just the exact same good song Tove Lo and Halsey released this year. [7]

Julian de Valliere: Listening to "Strangers" for the first time is sort of like witnessing an old friend step into a new circle. The gravelliness of Sigrid's voice has been played down for something a little less distinct, and the track's lyrics and production sound like they've received a similar treatment. But when she bursts into that massive, roaring, undeniably Sigrid chorus -- and that rapid-fire delivery just before the middle eight -- her personality beams through, and everything becomes familiar again. It's a bittersweet moment of missing all that's changed, but being grateful that everything you loved most about her is still as true and present as ever. [8]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

[dylanreviewsthings]

Immortal Reviews' Top 50 Albums Of 2017

Music is a story. It captures a point in time where the artist's mind was in that space. True art can never be perfectly replicated, but it can be remembered with every listen. From heavy minds to memories of home, the music of 2017 captured a wide array of ideas, and the best of those albums really left lasting impacts. Music didn't do much to affect society, but the best of 2017 had us thinking about ourselves. Our minds, our interactions, and our memories. It may have not changed the world, but the music of 2017 changed us, and that's where it really matters.

Without further adieu, this is Immortal Reviews' Top 50 Albums of 2017. We wrote over 340 reviews this year, and whittled it down to this list. Click the links to check out our full reviews of each album.

50. Kacy Hill - Like A Woman

There's an ethereal darkness to Kacy Hill's Like A Woman. With a sweet, ghastly voice and minimalist but atmospheric, if not cavernous instrumentals to back her, Kacy Hill builds enchanting sounds in her debut. Her brooding anger in the quiet 'Lion' helps lead the album into an empowering call to arms as it ends with the powerful 'I Am,' but not before letting herself be vulnerable in the title track that opens the record. It's a powerful inside look on the nature and power of a woman, and a reminder that it should not be taken lightly.

49. Hurts - Desire

Combine bittersweet memories and optimism for the future of love, and you have the idea of Desire. Behind heartwrenching melodies, Hurts build an array of odes to everything about love, from pain to bliss. Feel the sweetness of 'Wherever You Go' or the tragedy of 'Hold On To Me;' every song has its own tale that clings to a memory. It's the perfect breakup album, yet also the perfect album for a couple. It's everything you need for love. 

48. Spoon - Hot Thoughts

Spoon is as diverse as they are smart, and Hot Thoughts makes it very apparent. From the funk rock 'Do I Have To Take You Into It' to the huge introduction 'Hot Thoughts' with its roaring vocals and epic instrumentation, Spoon don't leave any stones unturned as they challenge themselves and their listener to a very involved ad particular album.

47. The Chainsmokers - Memories...Do Not Open

The Chainsmokers are notoriously the most overplayed band out there, but their debut album shows that they aren't overplayed without reason. They have a strong grasp on how to make the catchiest hooks and really capture every aspect of millennial love there is. Whether it be the anecdotal 'Paris' or the anthemic, orchestrated 'Young,' The Chainsmokers are more than just the electronic duo that make the songs your girlfriend listens to; they are the essence of a generation.

46. Tigers Jaw - Spin

Angsty at heart but restrained on the outside, Tigers Jaw has a mission statement in Spin. It's a very sweet listen, the darker messages hidden underneath the beautiful melodies and great alternative sound. Tracks like 'Spin' have that strong, pained words behind them, while the duets in tracks like 'Follows' are anthemic and amplify some more personal thoughts. Spin is a very internal record, and it hits hard where it strikes.

45. Chelsea Wolfe - Hiss Spun

The queen of industrial returned in 2017, and with a vengeance. Chelsea Wolfe's Hiss Spun is a rockier record than she's released before, yet her darkness is only amplified. The crunchy guitars on songs like '16 Psyche' add a new viciousness to her sound, while the added schizophrenic sounds of a million voices in 'Scrape' bring the album to a paranoid close. No one understands insanity quite like Wolfe, and no one dares try.

44. Björk - Utopia

In weirdness, Björk finds clarity. The frantic nature of Utopia builds exactly that; a perfect fairytale world free of any problems. However, that's only where Utopia tries to transport you. Björk eerily sings of her love woes throughout the record, referencing her legal battle with her ex-husband in 'Sue Me' and the aftermath of that pain in 'Losss.' As pretty as the world Utopia builds is, it goes to show that even in perfection, pain and anger can reside. 

43. All Time Low - Last Young Renegade

Leave it to All Time Low to really capture what it means to be free. The art of being a punk is really dying out, but Last Young Renegade seeks to inspire that free feeling again. From the sweetness and risky nature of 'Drugs & Candy' to the reminiscent 'Good Times,' All Time Low channel the sound of feeling unstoppable, an idea we feel growing up but eventually lose sight of. It takes you back to a simpler time, and brings the good memories along, too.

42. Sufjan Stevens, Nico Muhly, Bryce Dessner, & James McAlister - Planetarium

These names all working together can only be destined for greatness. Planetarium sees some of music's most introverted yet spectacular minds take you on a trip through space in the concept album Planetarium. The echoing, mechanic nature of Sufjan Stevens' voice in 'Jupiter' to the innocence and curiosity of 'Mercury' transports you to new worlds, familiar yet unexplored and untapped by humanity. It's as much of a journey as it is a commentary on the places humanity has left to leave it's mark on, and whether that is for better or for worse is left for you to answer.

41. You Me At Six - Night People

You Me At Six are the kings of alternative rock anthems, and Night People only make it more evident. By returning to a darker, angrier sound, You Me At Six build a more aggressive yet still sparkling sound that spawns such awesome sounds like 'Heavy Soul' and 'Take On The World.' As any YMAS album, it's optimistic yet just confident enough to make it seem as if impossibility does not exist. It's the soundtrack for believing in yourself.

40. Brian Eno - Reflection

Not many can make a single, forty-minute track of various noises sound so powerful, but Brian Eno is a magical man. Reflection consists of a single track of forty minutes, very minimalist on the surface, though that's not where the true spectacle lies. Sitting down with Reflection and truly immersing yourself in the song takes you on an exploration of your own mind, venturing through the dark places and the light. There's no one way to interpret this song and no one way to experience it, but it's powerful and brilliant all the same.

39. Bebe Rexha - All Your Fault, Pt. 2

Pop is becoming more and more saturated, yet there are some voices that still bring hope to the genre. One such voice is Bebe Rexha, who really brought the best of pop music and pop culture in All Your Fault, Pt. 2. Pt. 1 was a solid enough album, but Rexha really made her mark with this second EP, which even managed to make good of trap, which is even more saturated. It's smart, catchy, and memorable all at once - it hits every nail on the head.

38. Sylvan Esso - Echo Mountain Sessions

Stripping down some of their more energetic takes from their eclectic What Now, Sylvan Esso reveal the true nature of some of their songs, including the endearing, longing 'Slack Jaw' and the brighter 'Rewind.' There's no escaping the trip down memory lane that the Echo Mountain Sessions versions of these songs provide. The new focus on the stories of the songs shifts their forward looking original iterations and takes a step back to reflect on the past moments that built them in the first place, hauntingly at times, but not without a certain warmth to back it.

37. Son Lux - Remedy

Son Lux is the master of making darkness sound sensual, and Remedy is no different. The jagged edges of 'Part Of This' and the haunting, abyssal sound of opening track 'Dangerous' makes you feel like you're being swallowed whole, but at the same time feeling an odd sense of euphoria at the same time. It's achieved such a perfect blend that it feels so very wrong and so very right at the same time, all in the right ways.

36. Lorde - Melodrama

Lorde has had a quiet couple of years, but made her big comeback this year with an important sophomore release. As daunting as the follow-up may feel, it was evident from lead single 'Green Light' that she has knocked it out of the park. The single alone has a dark, moody start that leads into an anthemic pre-chorus with a new-found sense of maturity. Melodrama is the result of experiencing life after fame, from the grit of a party night to the aftermath of heartbreak. There isn't a moment where Lorde falters, no matter how personal she gets, and that's all what makes Melodrama so powerful.

35. David Bowie - No Plan

David Bowie's loss last year was a blow for art, but his legacy is here to stay. No Plan features outtakes and extras from last year's Blackstar, No Plan exemplifies that Bowie's brilliance was going strong until his very last breaths. The dynamic of the rocker 'Killing A Little Time' and the juxtaposition with closing track 'When I Met You' shows that Bowie had a long and plentiful career where he was not afraid of embracing change and trying something new. That's where his brilliance lied, and where it'll always shine.

34. Frances - Things I've Never Said

Setting out into the world for the first time is a scary concept, one that Frances tackles head on in Things I've Never Said. It's incredibly intimate, Frances truly wearing her heart on her sleeve as she sings of her insecurities atop minimalist pop instrumentals. It has something everyone can relate to, as what she sings about are intrinsic parts of being human. It's a capturing of the most bracing moments of growing up and being who we are; that's where it finds its staying power.

33. Foo Fighters - Concrete and Gold

The Foo Fighters have always had an element of surprise to them, yet they truly exercise it all in Concrete and Gold. With producer Greg Kurstin at the helm, Concrete & Gold is the Foos' loudest and dynamic album yet, from the massive, crushing riffs of 'Run' to the alternative, melodic, and anthemic 'The Line,' it's a loud and epic new sound for the Foo Fighters, and they've never sounded better.

32. Sorority Noise - You're Not As _____ As You Think

Sorority Noise is traditionally not considered the band to make heartbreakingly real tracks, but they definitely vie for that title in You're Not As _____ As You Think. From the optimistic yet tragic 'No Halo' to the soulful farewell of 'First Letter To St. Sean,' Sorority Noise find themselves battling their own minds and learning how to let go of the past, whether it means saying goodbye to a loved one or forgetting the memories that formed their minds in the first place. It's hard to swallow for yourself, yet perhaps this record will help you find comfort in that uncertainty. 

31. Ryan Adams - Prisoner

Looking inwardly is often the key to some of music's best songs, and that's what Ryan Adams does throughout Prisoner. Wonderfully minimal and with just the right amount of lethargy, Prisoner dives into Adams' insecurities about love, life, and even fear itself. There's no wasted words on the record, every moment being plotted out just as is necessary. With the style of a rockstar but a reserved nature (most clearly seen in 'Do You Still Love Me?'), Adams shows both his character and his worries in his music. 

30. Death From Above - Outrage! Is Now

Perhaps poetically, Death From Above finally dropped the "1979" from their name and released a very charged up album in Outrage! Is Now. Epic riffs and their signature disco groove are still present in songs like 'NVR 4EVR,' and the band achieved their first commercial success with 'Freeze Me,' but don't be distracted from the anger of the record. It's a call to arms to rise up against the norm and to truly own who you are, not being afraid of change and rather, embracing it. 

29. Dillon - Kind

It takes a minute for the brilliance of Kind to sink in, but once it does, it opens a whole new world. The almost crooked sound of Dillon's innocent voice makes this album's growing industrial nature all the more powerful, as when it climaxes with the epic and thrilling '2. Kind,' you feel like there's something hiding behind the metallic synths that you can't quite fathom. It's haunting and it's brilliant, not afraid to make prolific statements but still reserved all the same.

28. Brockhampton - Saturation II

Brockhampton is one of hip-hop's last hopes. The self-proclaimed boy-band of the genre, this collective of producers and rappers are capable of incredible things, which includes creating three incredible albums in under a year. The second of these records, Saturation II, define the group's capabilities. From edgier, faster paced tracks like 'Queer' to the glorious ending in 'Summer,' Brockhampton can do everything and anything they want, even if it goes against the norms of the genre. There aren't many who are so gracefully fearless of being different than these guys.

27. Royal Blood - How Did We Get So Dark

Royal Blood didn't hit a sophomore slump; in fact, How Did We Get So Dark blew all expectations out of the park. The duo returned powerfully, loud bass guitars and thrilling drums ready, this year with one of rock's most epic records from 2017. The raucous sound of the epic 'Lights Out' shows that they haven't lost sight of who they are, but experimentation comes in the form of some added electronics in songs like 'Hole In Your Heart,' evidence enough that Royal Blood, too, are not afraid of change. They still ahve the riffs and style, and that'll keep them going a long way.

26. XXXTentacion - 17

Amongst rap's newcomers was XXXTentacion, a boy with a dark past and a present struggle. The conversation of mental health has never been more open than it has this year, and XXX's 17 delved straight into a personal account of it. Not abiding by any of the norms of hip-hop, XXXTentacion employs acoustic instrumentation and tells stories in his songs, showing the darkness behind depression and what it can do. It's an important addition to the conversation of mental health, and for a genre that is increasingly ignoring such social issues, it's important to see that there are still those speaking out against it.

We do not endorse XXXTentacion's actions, we are only looking at the message behind the music.

25. Nadia Reid - Preservation

The ambience of a country plays a big role in its music. New Zealand is a land of mystery, almost like another world. Nadia Reid's Preservation is a magically minimalist album, capturing with pristine imagery the same curiosity that surrounds her home country. With incredible reflection and lyrics, songs like 'Te Aro' bring the album to life with eerily slow movements and ghastly vocals. Preservation captures the essence of her home, and that sense of nature truly shines powerfully.

24. Zola Blood - Infinite Games

There is a lot of sensuality to be found in darkness, and that's exactly what Zola Blood explores throughout Infinite Games. From the glitchy, polygonal synths of opening track 'Infinite Games' to the smooth, haunting yet beautiful wails of 'The Only Thing,' Infinite Games is an enchanting record that will capture your attention in every way. It's the sound of an out-of-body experience, and you'll certainly be spiraling out while listening to it and getting lost in those amazing melodies and atmosphere. 

23. Declan McKenna - What Do You Think About The Car?

Amongst the young new prospects in music, Declan McKenna is one of the most promising. With indie warmth and a brilliant sense of catchiness, What Do You Think About The Car? features some of the year's best pop secrets, such as the anthemic 'Brazil' and 'The Kids Don't Want To Go Home.' It's warm, fresh, and an optimistic view on a new generation of musicians - he's definitely an artist you'll want to keep you eyes on.

22. Nothing But Thieves - Broken Machine

Nothing But Thieves' debut album was so iconic, they had already massed a strong underground following that really let them takeoff. There was a lot of pressure building on them with their follow-up, but Broken Machine hits it out of the park. The band embraces electronica with the loud, groovy, and aggressive 'Live Like Animals' while the wild atmosphere of 'I Was Just A Kid' sees the band channeling their initial sound in its rawest form. Everything you love about Nothing But Thieves makes a return in Broken Machines, with new elements to keep their style moving forward.

21. Evanescence - Synthesis

Evanescence's orchestral element has always been what separated them from the rest, and Synthesis dives fully into that. From reimaginings of classics like 'Lacrymosa' and 'Bring Me To Life' to the anthemic, confident new songs like 'Imperfection,' Evanescence return powerfully in full form and with new life breathed into them. Perhaps not the album you'd expect from them, yet it's exactly the album they needed to show the world that they are back and more ready than ever to keep going strong. 

20. Meadowlark - Postcards

The indie sound is becoming more and more normalized, but the bright new prospects in the genre, like Meadowlark, promise its longevity a new breath of life. Infusing pop and electronica into the signature indie formula, Meadowlark explore fields and mountains, as well as space and everything else in between. The brilliance of the melodies and atmosphere of 'Paraffin' really captures you, while the warmth of tracks like 'Sunlight' and the somber reflections of 'Undercover' will keep you captivated and involved all the same.

19. Depeche Mode - Spirit

Depeche Mode is no stranger to being the voice of revolution, and that remains true in Spirit. From the epic single 'Where's The Revolution' to the angry instrumental 'Poorman,' Depeche Mode promises that the only thing that will propel society forward again is to not let religion and politics cloud our own spirit. In the age of technology, the line between losing our own sense of being human is a real worry - let's heed by Spirit and take a minute to remember who we are.

18. Brockhampton - Saturation III

Brockhampton isn't the only artist to make the list twice, but they've certainly earned their spot. The conclusion to the Saturation trilogy sees the band employ everything they've got and bring out some incredible production and lyrics. The warm atmosphere of closing track 'Team' and it's dark beat change is only one of the brilliant moments on the record, the diversity of it being another key point; the aggression of 'Sister/Nation' directly juxtaposes the chill song that transitions right out of it, 'Rental.' Brockhampton is undeniably brilliant and are the future of hip-hop; it's only a matter of time until the rest of the world catches on.

17. Coldplay - Kaleidoscope

Coming off of their incredibly poppy A Head Full Of Dreams, Coldplay decided it was time to make a statement. The Kaleidoscope features some of the band's most thrilling and challenging material in years. The address the refugee crisis throughout Europe in 'A L I E N S,' one of the most atmospheric and beautiful songs of the year, while showing off their live prowess with a live recording of their collaboration with The Chainsmokers, 'Something Just Like This.' Coldplay aren't just phoning it in anymore; they have a real voice to keep their music powerful and memorably all the same.

16. Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.

Kendrick Lamar is the unquestioned and unchallenged king of hip-hop, and it's easy to understand why. He doesn't bother himself with petty beef (and when he does, he eviscerates anyone who tries to challenge him) and focuses on substance. 2015's To Pimp A Butterfly built his throne, and on DAMN. he sits comfortably on it. Scathing tracks like 'DNA.' and 'DUCKWORTH.' speak to his person and his past as he tells the story of his life and his family. Filled to the brim with unstoppable delivery and loaded with double-meanings, DAMN. is some of the strongest hip-hop released in the last decade and proves that no one can do it like Kendrick.

15. Mastodon - Emperor Of Sand

Mastodon is always as thrilling as they are intense, and that is shown time and time again in Emperor Of Sand. The band find themselves being crushingly anthemic in dark epics like 'Steambreather,' while at other times trying to crush and engulf you with the grandiose and wildly heavy riffs of 'Ancient Kingdom' and the urgency of 'Clandestiny.' It's dark, cathartic, and just plain heavy; it's the perfect blend for an anthemic metal record.

14. Mount Eerie - A Crow Looked At Me

There are few things harder than losing a loved one. A Crow Looked At Me is Mount Eerie's mind after losing his wife to cancer. To call it heartbreaking is an understatement, as numbers like 'Swims' quietly look ahead at the emptiness of the future, quoting their daughter, who so painfully innocently asks her father about her mother: "Today our daughter asked me if mama swims / I told her, "Yes, she does. And that's probably all she does now." There's nothing to feel except empty when listening to this album, and it makes us love those we have  little more.

13. Peter Silberman - Impermanence

There's a lot to be found in emptiness. Peter Silberman's Impermanence seeks out those emotions found in emptiness by creating it; you find more than just quietly upsetting sounds in the record. You find yourself and reflections of yourself in the music, whether you be at unnerving peace as the sun sets in paradise in 'Maya' or walking on a cold day in 'New York.' Impermanence creates a sense of just that: that time is fleeting. But in the moments we share listening to this album, it may feel like time is frozen while we come to that conclusion. 

12. Soen - Lykaia

Thrilling. Carnivorous. Visceral. These are all qualities that describe Soen's Lykaia, a sonic unwinding of the darkest places of the human mind. With heavy riffs and giant vocals, Soen's mission is clear: to bring out the rawest forms of human emotion in their most basic forms. Lykaia is almost primitive by nature, but in this thrilling sense of primordial emotion, we connect with a side of ourselves we may not have even known existed.

11. Starset - Vessels

Starset began their adventure into space with 2014's Transmissions, but in this year's Vessels, they found the battle. Vessels is the sound of spacial warfare, wrought by our own race. From the anthemic yet explosive 'Back To The Earth' with its grand and epic synths to the thrilling ending of 'Starlight,' Starset really bring their all and leave a lasting, powerful impact on whoever ventures into space with them in this epic journey.

10. Ed Sheeran - Divide

Only Ed Sheeran can make an album specifically for radio play but still make an incredibly powerful one. Divide is nostalgic, modern, and thankful. Whether he be singing of love in tracks like 'Shape Of You' or 'Perfect,' or warmly remembering his childhood in 'Castle On The Hill,' Divide is an album that truly delves into his person. There's a certain humbleness on the record that makes you forget that he's a worldwide star, and on the beautiful farewell to his grandmother in 'Supermarket Flowers,' where he so warmly prays, "You were an angel in the shape of my mum / You got to see the person I have become / Spread your wings and I know / That when God took you back / He said, "Hallelujah, you're home," where his true character shines bright and clear.

9. Brand New - Science Fiction

Perfectionism is more or less an impossibility, but for Brand New's Jesse Lacey, every detail matters. Brand New's cryptic final album Science Fiction is masterfully built, each chord and note picked carefully and tenderly to achieve the right blend of crystalline perfection and emotional distraught. Epic, loud jams come in the form of '451,' and real emotion seethes through in the build of 'Same Logic/Teeth' and 'Could Never Happen.' It's rock at its most plotted out form, raw and visceral at its core. That's the only way Brand New can exist, and if this truly is their final stand, then they went out with power.

We do not endorse Jesse Lacey's actions, we're only looking at the power behind the music.

8. Harry Styles - Harry Styles

As each member of One Direction one by one take their own step into a solo career, it's evident that they're all taking vastly different paths. Harry Styles's self-titled album is as surprisingly different from what you'd expect as it is good. From the punchy, raucous 'Kiwi' to the love ballad 'Sweet Creature,' there's a very genuine tone to Styles' music as he channels his 80s heroes, such as The Rolling Stones and David Bowie. There's some truly fantastic and fun songs on Harry Styles, and never a dull moment as he continues to excel, track after track. Lead single 'Sign Of The Times' even finds time to make a true-hearted reflection on society and the times past. If there's anyone to watch out for, it's Harry Styles.

7. Linkin Park - One More Light Live

Linkin Park's One More Light Tour was undoubtedly one of their best in ages, and it was set to keep rolling strong before Chester Bennington's passing. One More Light Live captures the essence of the band's shows this summer perfectly, from the energetic and electrifying 'Talking To Myself' and 'Battle Symphony' to the haunting piano version of 'Crawling' and the heartbreaking 'One More Light.' Above all, One More Light Live captures the power of Chester Bennington's live voice, showing both his talent as a musician and the rawness of that voice that saved the millions of fans the band played to on the tour. Whether you're crying along to the memories of Chester or joining the chorus of the thousands of fans in each song, Linkin Park captured the real essence of their musicianship and the legacy they've created.

6. 10 Years - (how to live) AS GHOSTS

10 Years have always been the band defiing alternative rock but not breaking through, yet the best of them truly comes out in (how to live) AS GHOSTS. Wrought with intense riffs ('Ghosts') and haunting lyrics ('Lucky You'), 10 Years defines their sound and brings it to its strongest point in years. There's not a dull moment throughout the entire record, and you'll be jamming from start to finish.

5. Paramore - After Laughter

No longer the same angst-ridden emo rock band from the mid-2000s, Paramore delves deep into themselves on After Laughter. Channeling the essence of The Cure, After Laughter tries to stay optimistic in the face of depression, and it's easy to miss out on the dark tones of the record's messaged underneath the sweet melodies and sweet electronica. From the knowing sorrow of 'Fake Happy' to the ode to the difficulties of life in 'Hard Times,' After Laughter promises one important message: it's okay to not be okay. Just dance your heart out and forget about everything for awhile, and for those brief moments you'll remember why we wake up every day.

4. Julien Baker - Turn Out The Lights

Julien Baker is a tortured soul, and Turn Out The Lights reveals some of the reasons why. Heartbreaking stories are told about love and addiction throughout the record, from the haunting promises of 'Appointments' to the tale of fighting your own demons in 'Claws In Your Back,' Julien Baker wears more than just her heart on her sleeve. This beautifully tragic tale is an entire life of sorrow and pain put to sadly optimistic sounds.

3. Arcane Roots - Melancholia Hymns

Arcane Roots have the technical brilliance of Radiohead and the grandiose of Muse, and they take it a step further in Melancholia Hymns. Definitively one of the most wild, daring, and epic albums of 2017, Arcane Roots blaze confidently and powerfully ahead with each song. There's nothing more chaotic than the breakdown of 'Everything (All At Once)' and nothing quite as brooding as the slow, ominous build of 'Curtains.' Melancholia Hymns is chaos and integrity all at once; a brilliance that only Arcane Roots could bring together.

2. PVRIS - All We Know Of Heaven, All We Need Of Hell

The darkness of PVRIS' music is one that can only truly be understood by those who felt it. Masked under beautiful electronic atmosphere and excellent melodies is the tragedy of All We Know Of Heaven, All we Need Of Hell. Having gone through a hard breakup myself around the time the album was released, the messages of songs like 'Heaven,' where Lynn Gunn painfully cries out "You took my heaven away" and the anthemic but heartbreaking 'What's Wrong' that challenges, "I don't need a metaphor for you to know I'm miserable" resonated through my mind. All We Know Of Heaven, All We Need Of Hell is the reflections of a broken heart tired of its own regrets, and seeks to find freedom in releasing the memories once and for all. There is a power in this record that you may not initially understand, but in time, it will come.

1. Linkin Park - One More Light

Linkin Park has always been one of the most important bands in my life, and everyone has been affected by their music in some form. Losing Chester Bennington this year was a tragic loss not only for music, but for the world. The voice that had saved so many from themselves and gave people comfort in their pain had succumbed to his own, and that was tragically powerful. One More Light was Chester's final released music, and there was a lot of power hidden behind the poppier sound. Laced with brilliantly optimistic electronics and the signature Linkin Park brilliance, One More Light tackled depression on an incredibly personal scale. From dealing with loss in such a big world with 'One More Light' to leaving apologies to their kids in 'Invisible,' there isn't a moment on One More Light that isn't powerful in its execution. 'Sorry For Now' is a song that helped me some of the most painful moments I've ever experienced, and it's impossible to listen to the entire record without hurting for Chester. One More Light teaches us to remember that we're all a little broken on the inside, that not everything is okay. In the end, that's where the beauty of life is. Living through the bad experiences so that we know when we've found the good ones.

[chrisoncinema]

Chris on Cinema’s Top Films of 2019

Before we go any further: the best movies of the 2010s that is about the 2000s is The Social Network. The best movie of the 2010s that is about the 2010s is Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse. No other film captured, with pop-art colors and four-quadrant appeal, the greatness – and great responsibility – that has been thrust upon Generation Z. In the past few years I have been so inspired by the brave, tireless work of people like Mari Copeny, David Hogg, and Greta Thunberg. They teach us that we all have a role to play in improving our world. In fighting for what is right. I hope that our art in 2020 reflects their courage and lives up to the idea that tomorrow will be brighter if we choose to make it so.

Anyway, here are the movies I couldn’t stop thinking about this year.

10. An Elephant Sitting Still

One could spend the entirety of An Elephant Sitting Still’s four-hour runtime debating whether director Hu Bo’s tragic death diminishes, elevates, or simply distracts from the film itself. It’s a thought that is hard to ignore given that the film is steeped in malaise and haunted by death. An Elephant is difficult to watch but impossible to ignore or look away from; it is full of characters who are difficult to love but impossible not to empathize with. On paper, nothing could seem more one-note or more disheartening than this film and yet its existence challenges us to consider the why of our hurt and our selfishness and our apathy.

9. The Report

The Report is not really interested in being a movie and since it cannot be a documentary it decides to be a dramatic reenactment. It is doggedly journalistic and its matter-of-factness stands in stoic opposition to cathartic sensationalism. The Report owes much in form and function to Steven Soderbergh, for whom Scott Z. Burns, its writer and director, has previously written four screenplays. Soderbergh has made a career of information delivery that is cool and frictionless but still compelling. The Report never quite reaches those heights but it benefits greatly from Adam Driver who is endlessly interesting to watch. Sometimes that’s all you need: the facts and America’s most compelling actor under 40.

8. The Farewell

We can complain about movie ticket prices, we can complain about the number of ads and trailers that delay a movie’s screening, but the fact remains that movies are cheaper than plane tickets and easier to swallow than a semester studying sociology. And therein lies their beauty. The Farewell gives us a seat at the dinner table of a loving but dysfunctional Chinese family. We learn, as with any family, the layers of emotion and meaning embedded beneath seemingly simple conversations. In this way, a simple conceit – the inevitable death of a family member – is imbued with complex and bittersweet repercussions. The Farewell is ensemble piece but it is carried on the slumped shoulders of the charming, emotive Awkwafina. She was new to me here – I look forward to her becoming an old friend.

7. The Lighthouse

Midway through Robert Egger’s new horror two-hander, The Lighthouse, Willem Dafoe gives a dramatic monologue that is so intense, so impassioned, and, most importantly, so long that I could not help but burst out laughing. Despite the film’s cold, miserable, gross conditions, The Lighthouse may have been the most fun I had at the movies this year. Pair that with the film’s astoundingly ecstatic penultimate scene and the aforementioned Dafoe’s craggy face filling the high-contrast black-and-white frame, and you have something purely, simply cinematic. Even if there isn’t much going on below the torrential surface.

6. Uncut Gems

Upping the darkly comic ante is Josh and Benny Safdie’s new film, Uncut Gems. I love the Safide Brothers and I love how much they clearly love film. I love that they know exactly how to use Adam Sandler’s manic, desperate energy. I love that they are constantly daring me not to throw up upon witnessing their exquisitely nauseating characters and cinematography. I do hope their style evolves. Those who have seen the Sadie Brothers’ previous film, Good Time, will not be too surprised by anything here. But the cinematic schadenfreude works for me. As Qui-Gon Jinn said, “Whenever you gamble, my friend, eventually you lose.” Sandler’s Howard loses in the spectacular fashion of a firework malfunction where everything explodes at once. We leave covered in soot, ears ringing, hands shaking, laughing nervously for the rest of the night.

5. Ad Astra

Ad Astra snuck up on me in a way that only James Gray movies seems capable of. It was one of my most anticipated movies of the year but when the lights came up I felt perplexed and disappointed. Days later, though, I could not shake the image of Brad Pitt floating alone in his spaceship. I realized upon reflection that no other film has captured the banal, isolating imprisonment that space travel so obviously portends. Suddenly, what seemed like saccharine melodrama was reframed as the necessary tether back to a humanity so easily lost in the din of industrialization. Before worrying about whether or not we are alone in the universe, we must find reconciliation for those with whom we already occupy space.

4. The Last Black Man in San Francisco

The Last Black Man in San Francisco is odd and specific and observational and soulful. It is about gentrification and race and the performative nature of identity without ever becoming preachy or overly obvious. San Francisco may have benefited from a shorter runtime but what you gain in expediency you undoubtedly lose in atmosphere and in the overflowing humanity and warmth developed by director Joe Talbot and lead Jimmie Fails. The film quietly and gently teaches us that our endless and exhausting irony is often just a mask to hide our ignorance. It’s easy to claim to hate that which you do not know or understand. Love is hard. But investing in something – a relationship, a place – means that against all odds it’s harder not to.

3. Marriage Story

Remember that time Kylo Ren smashed a wall fighting Black Widow and also Alan Alda was there? What a time for movies. Marriage Story’s thesis can be summed up thusly: “Criminal lawyers see bad people at their best, divorce lawyers see good people at their worst.” We all deserve agency and autonomy but what do we owe each other? And what do we allow others to tell us we’re owed? And what, by our actions, do we tell others they deserve?

2. Parasite

It seems that every year there is a movie that, for my skeptical self, does not live up to the hype. Kindly cancel me for stating that Under the Skin, Fury Road, and Annihilation are among them. I respect these movies for their singular vision and for not being made by Disney, but my interest goes that far and no farther. Parasite should have joined that list but I found myself completely engrossed in its intricate twists and turns. I won’t bother reiterating what everyone else has already said about it. It’s one of the best movies of the year.

1. A Hidden Life

The best movie, however, can only go to A Hidden Life. Because when Terrence Malick is good, he’s the best. And his latest film includes an element that has been missing from some of his recent works: necessity. The true story of Franz Jägerstätter, an Austrian farmer who refused to pledge loyalty to Hitler, is an important story for our time and for all time. As with so many movies on this list, A Hidden Life is about the cost of doing what is right rather than what is easy or safe. It is an overwhelming film not only because of its subject but because of the beauty in every fluid shot’s composition. There is a heaviness in A Hidden Life but it is never hopeless. It is a rallying cry for the inherent value and beauty in life. I struggle to write more about it not because it is undeserving but because a Gesamtkunstwerk like this is almost untranslatable. It must be seen. If one of the few theaters that is actually playing A Hidden Life is near you – see it. Full stop.

[midoridragonuus]

sanguinem sacrificium: wine

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- x -

Dinner had been relatively quiet; an oddity in the two's relationship. The absence of laughter and faux anger continued to expand each time Gabriel opened his mouth to speak. He'd been dying to ask just what was wrong, and what he could do to fix it, but his brand of repair was poor timing and backhanded insults - something the woman across from him would hardly appreciate under the circumstances - so he stayed still as a statue to not disturb whatever weighed heavy on his date’s mind.

Each time he tried to break the weighty silence, he was met with the woman staring into her dinner. It pained him, sitting in front of a beautifully prepared fettuccine and not be able to touch it, but he'd rather associate food with joy than the vicious awkwardness that hovered over them. Rather than ruin one of his favorite pastimes by provoking the woman, he figured it'd be better to sit in painful silence.

If it were anyone else, he would have made up an excuse to dine and dash. It'd be so easy to rip the napkin from his lap, toss it near the candelabra, and lie through a smile that so and so had called and he really needed to go. But his heart played a different tune. He really did enjoy her company, even if she refused to be open with her feelings more than once in a blue moon. Really, she was the personification of a  hesitant clam showing its pearl to the rare onlooker. It was those rare glimpses that kept him going - and so he suffered silently at the impromptu table with his best 'I'm trying' face.

Each tick of the clock gave him another reason to leave. The monotonous sound sent an uncomfortable shiver through his being. He hated this. Every minute - he hated having to be reserved, quiet, and stuck in a silent vacuum. If it continued any longer, he might just leap from his chair and put on a show, no matter the consequences.

A deep exhale brought Gabriel out of his funk, allowing the man to shift attention from his uneaten dinner to the woman sitting his opposite.

Still refusing to meet his gaze, she instead frowned into the pasta.

"I don't like him."

The man lifted an eyebrow, smile slowly spreading across his face. It was unusual to get so much satisfaction from a single sentence, but he was thrilled that she'd finally said something to get the ball rolling.

"That's odd, Elliecakes. You don't not like anybody."

Her head shot up defensively, glare painting a much harsher reality on the younger face. "I can not like anyone I want to."

"C'mon," he prodded. "All I do around here is be a nuisance and slander the other employees any chance I get. Gotta get ahead, you know?"

Without waiting for an answer to the question, he quickly added, "And all you do is defend them. What makes this guy any different?"

Ellie's frown deepened. "You know I can't talk about that."

"Can't and won't are two very different things." His eyes drifted downwards, ready to play instigator.

Eyes narrowed in the candlelight, making them twice as bitter as they would have been under the fluorescent glow of the office.

Stirring his noodles, which had tempered under the muted cold war, Gabriel shoved a full fork into his mouth. The more obnoxious, the better. "Oh well. Guess he won't get that welcome basket."

Every soft syllable led to a spray of alfredo. And despite the onslaught of flavors, the most fruitful was the look of sheer anger on Ellie's face.

The woman's silverware clattered to the plate. "Listen, you ass."

He winked. "My ears are always open for you. So are my arms, and legs too if you wanna get freaky."

Groaning, she leaned back. Delicate hands ran down her face in exhaustion. She knew she'd been played. Provocation was precisely the manner of Gabriel's dickery. And she'd been so out of it, she fell hook, line, and sinker without any hint of struggle.

"Don't beat yourself up. Everyone has a bad day." His chair managed to round the table as he scooted closer. "Besides, it's not every day that I can pull one over on you. Not to mention, humility is a good look."

"Then you should paint yourself with it." She shoved him away gently.

"Mn," he nodded in agreement, now staking out the woman's dinner as his lay forgotten.

"Really, though. He's... different."

Snatching her fork, he began to slowly wind the noodles into a more manageable state. "We're all different, babe."

"No, like..." She sighed again, unable to articulate exactly why the newcomer bothered her so much. "I don't like him because there's nothing to like?"

Gabriel clutched at his shirt, aghast. "Ellie! How can you say that about someone you don't know? He might donate his income to orphans and nurse cats or something!"

Ignoring his melodrama, she continued. "It's not that I don't want to like him, it's just that... I'm privy to a lot of information."

"Oh?"

"Confidential information," she replied, preemptively shutting down his question before it went further. "And that's the problem. There's very few things at Schwartz Industries that I don't know when it comes to employee files. Most information is unobstructed when Schwartz hands me the files. Of course, there's some stuff that's redacted on almost all of them, but they're such small portions. I think the largest ones are Schwartz, Werites, and... Saya? I get the first two, and... I didn't really ask about Saya's. She was here before I was... So I never really thought about it."

Gabriel nodded as she brushed the bangs from her face.

"But... even on those, I could read some information. But his... Ugh. Don't... Don't tell anyone, alright?"

Gasping, the man pulled away from their closeness. "Ellie! Spilling company secrets by sleeping with the enemy?"

A kick of the chair accompanied another shove. "Knock that off. I'm not sleeping with you, and it's not really... It doesn't violate any protocol that I know of."

"Uh-huh. Well, I cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye. Can't and won't tell a soul after that, right, Elliepop?"

Finally resting on both hands, propped up on the table, the woman gave him a troubled look. "The only part of his file I can read is his name. I can't see his age, place of birth, blood type, division, or anything. Everything is blacked out. No other employee has that level of censorship."

"That's... not right." Gabriel sat upwards, laughter falling from his face. His shoulders sat rigid, demeanor shifting in a matter of seconds.

Ellie shook her head. "No, it's not, and-"

The sound of someone clearing their throat pulled the attention of the couple to the door.

"Am I interrupting something?"

Another stood in the doorway, arms crossed as if waiting for an answer was no more than an inconvenience to him. Even under gold-rimmed frames, the sheer lack of empathy for his interruption was apparent.

The woman craned her head to the door, eyes wide. She sat frozen, staring into the face of the newcomer with doe like eyes.

Noting her lack of response, Gabriel quickly took her hands into his. "Yes. Absolutely. Now get lost."

The man stepped further in the room, surveying the atmosphere with a disinterested gaze. "Can't, sorry. It's an emergency. Schwartz demanded we go over a few more interesting items."

Upon hearing her boss's name, the woman snapped to attention. "What? Why didn't she call me?"

As she turned to dig through her purse, the stranger simply shrugged. "I don't know. But it's urgent."

"I doubt it's that urgent," Gabriel spat, holding his date's purse open so she could continue looking with both hands.

Tugging her phone free, she motioned for Gabriel to put down the purse. Despite not facing her, as his eyes never left the strange man, he obliged and set it on the floor.

The man at the door smiled, allowing the glasses to slip down his nose. "You know, I don't really care what you think. I was sent to collect the child, not her dog."

Roused by the other's comeback, Gabriel stood and quickly approached the man. Though he was a head shorter, the anger drawn into his features was more pronounced than it had been in ages. He poked a finger towards the other's chest. "I want you to listen, and listen good, friendo. I don't give a shit what you call me. I've been called every name in the book, and then some. But you need to start re-thinking how you address my Ellie. She's not some child. She's a stunning woman who runs as Head of Divisions for the entire company. You show her respect, or you're going to learn a host of new things in your time here, and I volunteer to be the teacher."

Looking down at the riled man, Carlos swatted the accusatory finger away. "I still don't care."

A burning rage coursed through Gabriel's body. Every nerve sparked to life and roasted in an unyielding fire. It was ridiculous, and he knew it was ridiculous. There's no reason for this man to hit every one of his annoyances, but here he was. Everything bothered him, from his monotonous voice to his smarmy attitude, to even his chinos. Like a switch in the brain, everything turned at once, and Gabriel was a soldier again.

A fist went flying towards the taller man, aiming to knock the ego from the man's liquid voice.

"Gabriel, no! Wait!"

His fist resounded with a dull thud, finding a cradle in Carlos' palm.

Leaving his punch where it lay dead, Gabriel turned over his shoulder to look at the woman at the table. A mixture of confusion and hesitation covered Ellie's face. "It's... it's fine. I did get something from Schwartz after all? I guess my phone was on silent or something. I just... I don't remember doing it, but the proper orders are here. I.... Please don't be angry I have to dip out, okay? I'll talk to you later...?"

Not wanting to add to her conflicting emotions, the man shook his head gently. Yeah, no, Elliecakes. It's fine. It's fine. Don't worry about it. I'm okay, okay?"

She could tell his answer wasn't genuine, but she appreciated the gesture regardless. Grabbing her phone, she shoved it back into the bag and quickly ripped the napkin from her lap. Shuffling to the doorway where the men still stood engaged in action, she placed a quick kiss to Gabriel's cheek.

His hands faltered, finally removing himself from Carlos' grasp before backing away in a slight stupor. As the two disappeared into the dimming hall, he returned to the failed dinner.

He wanted to tell himself that it was Ellie's voice that stopped him just enough that the fist didn't connect. He wanted to explain the lack of violence on his renewed conscious or poor judgment of distance, but none of it was true. The only truth was that Carlos had the reflexes and sheer strength to stop his punch, and that frightened him to his core.

[wavelengthintl]

Top Tracks Of 2017

10. Rico Nasty - Glo Bottles

The story of DMV (D.C., Maryland, Virginia) rapper Rico Nasty is pretty remarkable. She released her first mixtape when she was 16 and still in high school. At some point during her senior year she became pregnant, however the baby’s father, who she describes as her best friend, died before he even knew he was going to have a child. She sunk into a depression, barely graduated, and was a single mom at the age of 18. After her child was 10 months old she started rapping again, and grinded from obscurity to the soundtrack of the Fate Of The Furious, the soundtrack of HBO’s Insecure, and this year’s top 40 rap albums list on Rolling Stone Magazine. This was all done without the support of a major label. When she talks about things like now having a “new whip every day” you genuinely feel happy for her as a person.

9. Pabllo Vittar - K.O.

Pabllo Vittar is an openly gay Brazilian drag queen who is now officially the most followed drag queen on Instagram, surpassing even RuPaul. She was bullied in school as a teen for her feminine voice and demeanour, then began doing drag at the age of 18. In 2014 she was discovered via YouTube and made her first television appearance. Her fame began to skyrocket the following year after releasing “Open Bar,” a Portuguese version of Major Lazer’s “Lean-On.” This year Major Lazer compounded her notoriety even further by featuring her in their original production “Sua Cara.” She was also featured on Charlie XCX's Pop 2 album, had the most-in-demand song of Brazil’s carnival, signed an official deal with Coca Cola Brazil, and cracked 100 million plays on both of her single releases. Her heavy usage of LBGTQ-affirming imagery and her vocal criticism of some of the countries conservative figures have made her a rallying point for Brazil's LBGTQ population, as well as those disillusioned with the encroaching conservative political establishment.

8. Lil Pump - Flex Like Ouu

Seventeen-year-old Florida Rapper Lil Pump is a lot like a Marvel movie. If you go into a Marvel movie looking for something that’s a dead-ringer to the comics you’re going to be disappointed. You have to just interpret each movie as its own thing, independent from the comics. Similarly, when you approach the music of Lil Pump you have to forget about rap music. Forget about Kendrick, forget about Big L and all those other old-head icons, and just interpret this music as existing inside a vacuum. When you do that it becomes more apparent why the sound of artists like Pump and Smokepurpp have become so infectious. A lot of times when artists try to add energy to a track they do so by being obnoxious, with brostep being perhaps the most egregious example of this. These artists, on the other hand, figured out how to create incredibly hype tracks by taking the stripped-down nature of trap music and adding this highly repetitive lyrical delivery. It’s a formula that’s really simple and efficient, and also easy for other Soundcloud rappers to replicate. I see a lot of similarities between the music of Lil Pump and genres like grime and kuduro. Even though it’s built off of hip-hop it’s essentially its own thing. The reason why old-heads are angry is because this isn’t happening in East London or Angola, it’s happening on American soil. Old-heads are shook at the prospect of someone in their own backyard gaining notoriety by yelling the same three words over and over while being associated with rap. Meanwhile the rest of the world is like hey welcome to the club we had this like 15 years ago.

7. Ski Mask The Slump God - Catch Me Outside

According to Pigeons & Planes, 21-year-old Ski Mask The Slump God is one of the most “inventive and compelling” figures to emerge from the rising school of Florida rappers, and for good reason. If anyone can reconcile the growing gap between old heads and fans of new-school rap it’s him. According to Ski Mask himself he’s lyrical, but not lyrical. In other words he has the intricately crafted wordplay that old heads value, but he delivers it with the based “I don’t really care what I’m saying” aspect of the new school. The music video itself is a testament to his ability to unite both worlds. His decision to rap over the 1999 Missy Elliott and Timbaland beat for “She’s A Bitch” earned praise from Missy Elliott herself. Ski Mask was also praised by Isaiah Rashad, who said he was upset at “how tight this nigga Slump God is.” On the other hand, the video appears on the channel of video producer Cole Bennett, one of the central hubs for the emerging new wave of rap. Two of Ski Mask’s recent tracks, “My Mind” and “Achoo!” have veered off into more experimental territory, signalling that this artists definitely harbours surprises that remain to be seen in the new year.

6. Shy Luv - Lungs

One time on a 20+ minute drive home I listened to this song on repeat the entire way, then when I pulled up to my house I sat in the car and listened to it like four times, then I went inside and listened to it again. Anytime a song provokes that reaction it's a good indication that it should probably be on some year end list.

5. Lorde - Perfect Places

Pretty much everyone who listens to music in this solar system was in unanimous agreement that Lorde’s sophomore release "Melodrama" is a masterpiece. This is evidenced by the grammy nomination for Album of the Year, numerous top 10 finishes in “best albums of 2017” lists, and Rolling Stone Magazine comparing her to Kate Bush. For a major pop release it has a tremendous level of depth and intellectualism that far surpasses Lorde’s age of 21.  A problem that some major pop artists face is switching to some trendy micro-genre then sounding unnatural, like the time Justin Bieber threatened to release a dubstep track, the first time Katy Perry did trap, or Lady Gaga going Americana to tap into the normie market. On Melodrama every track sounds like Lorde, and being able to firmly establish such a dynamic musical identity at that young of an age is also a testament to her power level. This could legitimately be the rise of the next Kate Bush.

4. Tei Shi - Keep Running

In 2015 I listed Argentinian-Canadian singer Tei-Shi’s song “Bassically” as my top song of the year. That track was one of the main reasons why pop music is still one of my most listened-to genres. It represented this whole movement that year of pop music’s indie side coming into the foreground, or of pop music with a high degree of artistic value suddenly becoming visible. At the time, I described it as pop music coming into its own. The same could be said of Tei Shi now, except this time she has an entire debut album “Crawl Space” to back it up. Her music continues to showcase the depth that pop music on the whole can have, and why it’s no longer the anathema of the underground, but an extension of it.

3. Charlotte Day Wilson - Work

Nylon Magazine called 24-year-old Canadian singer Charlotte Day Wilson “the next best thing out of Toronto.” The Star described her essence as “subdued soul, rich vocal texture and instrumental acuity.” According to Now Toronto she’s become a queer icon in the city, and she hopes to create space for women in music to flourish. I think one of my favourite memories from last year was wandering the streets of Budapest listening to this song on repeat.

2. Austra - I Love You More Than You Love Yourself

This was definitely a Facebook newsfeed discovery. Austra is a four-piece band from Toronto fronted by Katie Stelmanis. This song is from the group’s album “Future Politics,” and according to the album’s page on Domino Records it’s a “collection of urgent, but disciplined anthems for dancefloor and headphones, [and] asks each of us to remember that apocalypse is not an inevitability, but the product of human decision-making.” Although the write-up goes on to describe the album in ways that make it seem like a manifesto, I definitely heard “Utopia,” the album’s other main single, playing in Earl’s once. It will probably end up on some Netflix show at some point. This is the power of pop music, it can make critical statements but still be accessible at the same time.

1. Lil Uzi Vert - XO Tour Llif3

Last year, for the first time in history, hip-hop dethroned rock as the most consumed genre in the U.S., and I think it’s largely because of artists like Uzi Vert.

I held off on writing this one for a while because I wanted to actually do research to find out why emo rap in particular seems to have become the soundtrack of the contemporary urban youth. Thankfully I didn’t have to search too far, because this Pitchfork article (link below) perfectly summarizes it.

Unlike gangster rappers and some earlier trap rappers, emo rap has an aesthetic that doesn’t only speak to one demographic, but rather to the struggles that youth often face on the whole. Whereas rap music previously presented black communities as bastions of lawlessness governed by hyper masculinity and street bravado, lines like “Please Xanny make it go away” transcend racial boundaries and redefine the notion of how black men should present themselves in the performance of hip-hop.

In terms of the actual construction of the music itself, I think it’s worth noting that the spacey, atmospheric nature of Uzi Vert’s beats basically came from a subculture on Soundcloud that couldn’t find anything to relate to in their immediate environment, so they turned to the internet. This is evidenced by Uzi Vert citing Marilyn Manson as one of his biggest influences.

These beats, combined with the subject matter, combined with the anime-inspired outfits, mean that emo hip-hop right now is speaking to the largest population segment out of any genre. In 2018 old heads are going to keep being angry at music like this, but while they’re 45-years-old complaining in a basement somewhere, listening to Naughty By Nature, drinking AGD and playing Goldeneye 64, the rest of the world is experiencing rappers like Uzi Vert taking hip-hop to completely new heights.

https://pitchfork.com/…/1481-to-be-young-angsty-and-black-…/

[athenalevel3performingarts]

Melodrama Self Evaluation.

What did you find most interesting about your physical/vocal performance?

Within my performance of Melodrama i found it interesting how my gestures were all over exaggerated and i noticed how this technique helped the audience to see the different movements more clearer and even when we didn’t say anything they could distinctly tell what we was doing and feeling to show what we trying to express.While playing Cool  in the play i was a relaxed but a panicky character to show this i would often slow down my words and then when getting really shaken i would speak faster to show my projection in my voice through the pitch of it and work with the pace i spoke in a posh accent to show the background i  came from and that i was from a high class status. 

How could you have experimented more with voice/ movement and gesture? 

I could of experimented more within my movement as when talking to people i would often stand in one space. To show i was more panicky through the use of my body i could of paced up and down rather than just using gestures and body language it would have created this type of atmosphere more whilst making it more effective within the scene.Also i could of  explored different emotions my character could have felt in that specific scene when i was panicking but he could of trying to get a different point across at the same time. I feel as though i could of looked at adding the different levels of tension for example level 1 sad to 10 very upset. Instead of just showing them to other characters as part of communication i could of presented this more to the audience. 

Did you use appropriate gestures and facial expressions? If so when, where and how effective were they? 

In the lesson i think that my facial expressions and gestures were appropriate for this style For my character Cool who was a Valet a high end servant in charge of everything whilst the Master is out. To show in scene 1 that talking to another servant that i relied on for the safety of young courtley to return before his father i use direct address and by showing i serious in what i was saying i pointed my hand towards him and asked in whether or not he had seen his son and showed this also within my voice by having a high tone of voice not shouting but stern so that the audience knew i was on edge and was anxious to find out where he was. Also Cool although he was concerned about Young courtly he would often let him get away with all sorts in a fashion but also let him know how strict his father could be and was high on rule following. To show this in my face i would raise my eyebrows slightly up with wide eyes look down towards him but have my posture up right to represent the different authority between the two character and to show i had more authority i was considered to be on a higher level.  Also when addressing another servant in the room i would show the etiquette the respect between each servant or whenever you was leaving or entering and saw another one when the servant came in before i spoke to him i shook his hands just to show that level of respect between the parties. 

What could be improved or made even better?

For me to improve my own personal performance i should of gave the audience more direct eye contact as didn’t look at them enough this would have made sure i had their full focus on the performance but also on my character. Also at times i could have said some of my lines to the audience to show them the impact and what would happened if Sir Harcourt had found out and it would of made the audience more involved as it also would of been like had authority over them and it would have seemed like a had a lot of power and gave them more of a feeling of what he was like.

Characterization:

Did you use appropriate acting techniques for the text?

Yes i do think that i used the appropriate acting techniques for the text. I looked at the stage directions and the other characters within the play to help me have a clear understanding of the different typical stock characters in Melodrama and then looked at the different gestures i could use that would suit my character’s mood and over exaggerate them and i found the simple ones like raising my hand and pointing it etc worked more and suited my character perfectly and the audience noticed this more and got an understanding of my character which created the intended emotion. I feel that the different techniques i have learnt worked well in the performance like servant etiquette  (e.g mutual/respect)

Did you portray your character in an appropriate way?

I feel i did portray my character in the appropriate way and after watching footage of myself back i noticed that all my gestures fitted in with his personality and it worked well it also showed the status my character had with the different acting techniques i used such as posture. To show when i saw Sir harcourt in the morning after his son had secretly gone to bed i bowed down and shook is hand to show that i looked up to him and he was boss and the respect between us bot was there. I spoke clearly fluent and the audience was able to understand me clearly got the insight of my character from acting out a small short scene. I feel i could of use some more expressions on my face rather than the ones i had picked as i do feel it would of worked better if i had picked some more serious ones. But other than this i included all the techniques and acting techniques within the Melodrama style. 

What could be improved or made even better?

I feel that if i had used a variety of facial expressions that were over the top that were more serious as it would of added to my character but not only that it would of added to the performance as it would of created the tension climax needed within this scene and left it on a more serious note if i had portrayed it clearer and they would of got that i protecting young courtley but also know that part of him regrets it as not a lot of people were taking there jobs seriously as servants.

Group Performance:

What elements of the scene/ performance worked well?

I think the overall performance worked and went well to the audience as a group we blocked it so everyone knew what they was doing so that there was no dramatic pauses and that meant that everyone also knew there cues. Which meant the performance ran smoothly as a whole. we all used over exaggerated gestures which is used thoroughly in this style and it showed the message we was trying to get across to the audience when it wasn’t our turn to speak about young courtley. we left the ending open so the audience would be wondering what would happen next and left them on the edge of their seats as they were desperate to find out whether he made it back in time without being caught out but also everyone clearly directed there emotion on this through their voice which made the performance sucessful and got across everyone’s initial characters.

What could the group improve on?

Something that needs to be improve within the group is listening to one another ideas and spending more time on working out improving some scenes as they seems to be a lot of talking which could be reduced in order for everyone to get across their thoughts and ideas and try them out more also expanding this levels of focus need to be increased as at certain times the talking was a distraction to those who wanted to work.

Was there anything about the performance of the scene/s which could be made even better? If so how could we have improved this?

From watching the performance back they could of been more eye contact given to the audience as a whole and towards the other characters as well this would of given them our full attention which means at times they could of lost interest this is a key important skill that needs improving throughout everyone in my group. This would also show that we have rehearsed it properly up until the show without it looking a bit off due to not a lot of reaction from other actors made the show seem un rehearsed and more followed from the script directly at times. Also it would of been nice to maybe added in some music to start of the scenes or used some sound effects would of made it more effective  to ensure this  is improved as a group we will revisited this in the next following weeks.