#i wanna work on a forget me not analysis and headcanons but. this specific thing was itching in my brain

[vasito-de-leche]

;R1999 "COVER" section analysis (1)

Analysis and theories on how to interpret the characters' profiles in the Cover section of the game, such as their exhibition year, ages, their medium, afflatus etc. A full dissection of the profiles.

I started seeing a lot of people argue about whether a character's first exhibition date correlates or not to their birth year, if their ages are correct and all the little inconsistencies that make it difficult to understand, so obviously I wanna talk about it lolol

disclaimer that I do not play or follow CN updates, I only play the global version! but I invite everyone with more insight (hehe....insight) to discuss in reblogs, replies or tags! (<- loves discussing viddygames)

I'm ALSO gonna be VERY pedantic and explain some stuff that might seem super obvious or go on really long tangents because this game is relatively new, so I don't wanna assume everyone is on the same page and alienate some ppl from discussing the lore and cool stuff of the game!

First of all, I would like to point out something that most people know by now about the character profiles, just in case someone hasn't seen it yet: the "Cover", "Item" and third unlockable story for every character are all written by Pandora Wilson for the UTTU magazine.

When you go to a character's cover page, there's an extra menu that can be found by tapping on the UTTU logo on the top right corner, as pictured here.

Which leads you to the following page, a Reader's Guide for UTTU's magazine.

The contents of the Reader's Guide are a little scattered and confusing, sometimes their own text format breaks as well, such as points 5, 6 and 8 being in the same paragraph as opposed to a proper numbered list. Or point 11 having a weird line break mid-sentence.

There are three items pictured on the guide, which have letters spelling out different words. The first one spells "ARCANUM", the second one "MAGAZINE" with "SELF-UPDATING" upside down, and the last one spells "ENJOY reading". Not pictured above is the full proper end of the guide:

But overall, this guide is important because it explains the formatting of the profiles and why they're worded a certain way. The implication is that the character profiles are interviews of all arcanists that Pandora Wilson and UTTU encounter, archiving and exhibiting their information like works of art.

There are some people who offered the idea of the profiles being written by Vertin, since the voicelines imply all characters are talking to her - but this cannot be, since the voicelines are just an archive of the lines said during other situations, such as being in the main menu (her suitcase) or battles (guided by her). In this case, it is extradiegetic within the context of the magazine (though the Guide does allude to the magazine being able to emit scents and have moving pictures within).

There is also another theory which replaces Vertin with the Foundation instead, given the events of the main story. For those who don't know, in the main story there is a very heated political debate within the Foundation regarding Vertin and all the arcanists she's gathered, on whether they deserve to be an independent group led by her or go through their usual regulation system. This theory implies that the information given in the profiles are reports made by the Foundation.

But given UTTU's Reader Guide and every 03 Story, we can all safely confirm that they're all written by them and Pandora Wilson. The items' description are also written from Pandora's perspective. This might be a lot just to establish a single thing, but I wanna be thorough!

As for why UTTU magazine specifically chose to portray all arcanists as pieces of art, using words like exhibit and measuring them the same way one would a statue, I don't have a very clear answer!

The game overall has a lot of themes regarding art, like Vertin's tuning abilities "First Melody" and "Grand Orchestra" being so obviously music themed. She's portrayed as a conductor for the arcanists she leads. The art theme also lines up pretty well again with the main story and how Vertin, as a Timekeeper, is meant to record time and events for the Foundation but she also keeps track of the people she meets and their endeavors, not for the Foundation but herself. It makes sense to me that the arcanists she takes in are seen as "artwork" by UTTU, they're stuck in time and represent an era that is no longer possible to reach or that has long passed. It makes sense that they're archived and represented as such to me, at least!

With that, we can finally go into the actual cover page for the characters. I'll be using the characters that I personally own and I'm most familiar with as examples. So everyone say hello to Pavia again.

Right away, we're hit with an unknown term - "mixed".

In the "Atlas" menu, there's three sections - "Story Review" which allows you to see the full story of the game as you unlock it, with some of the trails you can unlock (this is irrelevant to the post, I just wanna say it here in case anyone can help me out - but some of the trails don't seem to be recorded in this menu and there is no way to find them again?), then there's "Role Atlas", which I'll get to in a second, and "Psychube", a collection of all Psychubes.

The Role Atlas is, once again, written by UTTU. You can see their logo in all the magazines and there is the UTTU Bound Volume of all characters in one menu. The text on the covers varies, but I cannot read most of them clearly, the text inside does not change. All five of them in order are:

The Beyond

The Awakened

Arcanists

The Mixed

The Infected

All character's profiles begin by stating which of these categories they fit in. The VAST majority of the characters fall within the "Arcanists" group, so it's very easy to assume that all human characters will fall within this section, while others such as Door or Mr. Apple would fall in categories like "Awakened" by virtue of being objects.

And this is where it gets tricky, because as far as I know, there is no official description for any of these categories nor what they fully entail! But bear with me, there's a thought process somewhere in here.

The "Beyond" seems to be self-explanatory - it encapsulates any living creature that comes from space and isn't native to Earth, such as Voyager and aliEn T.

The "Awakened" seem to be inanimate objects native to Earth that gained consciousness and self-awareness, such as Mr. APPLe, Sputnik and Ms. Radio. But that is immediately put into question when seeing characters like Darley Clatter, Door and TTT being categorized as "Arcanists" instead.

There are only two "Mixed" characters - Pavia and Satsuki. The word alone could easily imply that they're either "half-arcanists", and thus less respected due to their lesser Arcanum abilities, or that their Afflatus is mixed, but Afflatus and the way they're assigned onto characters is still very vague, because they don't seem to align with their actual use of magic.

And then, we have the "Infected". There are no characters labelled as such so far, so there's nothing to speculate here.

With all of this in mind, I would like to point out the wording of the profiles. I will add a few examples here in order of category (Beyond, Awakened, Arcanist, and then Mixed).

Notice how Mr. APPLe, Darley Clatter and Pavia's description are notably different than aliEn T's? Compare "A supernatural work" to "A mixed's work".

I don't own Voyager, but her profile listed in the wikifandom site follows the same pattern as aliEn T. It is very distinct to me that neither aliEn T nor Voyager, the only two characters who come from actual space, aren't described as "A supernatural's work".

The point I'm trying to make here is that the first phrase of the profiles alludes to the character's parents or creator, rather than themselves.

After all, the character is the artwork, it makes sense that they allude to their origins/heritage - in this case, crediting the "artist" that brought them to life. With the examples given, it makes sense to me that the Beyond cannot be anyone's work, by virtue of being aliens. Human concepts such as family and such don't necessarily have to apply to aliens. Their origins can easily be much too complex to understand by our standards.

One might argue that this theory falls apart when examining the Awakened - after all, they're described as "An Awakened's work". But I have to insist that the Awakened are confirmed to be inanimate objects that became sentient on their own, and thus they are given credit for their own "existence" so to speak. I'd like to point out the introductions posted on the official global twitter for these three characters. Mr. APPLe's does not allude to the moment he became sentient, but Ms. Radio's and Sputnik's do.

And speaking of sentience, I chose Darley Clatter as the example for the "Arcanist" category because it perfectly illustrates the point I'm trying to make. Darley Clatter is not a human in any way whatsoever, it's a toy horse. But the difference that sets Darley Clatter apart from the "Awakened" is the fact that he was MADE by an arcanist rather than gaining sentience himself. He exists and is able to move and talk thanks to an arcanist - this is explained in his 01 Story

If you don't feel like reading it, here's a short summary - it tells us about a young girl named Lilian who wants a horse and how her father, who spoils her way too much, approaches an unnamed arcanist to make her dreams come true. The arcanist then gets the ingredients needed and prepares a speech for Lilian's father, insisting that the foal they created will be better than any other real horse. Thus, making Darley Clatter an arcanist's work.

But then it leads me to characters like La Source, Pickles or Door. La Source is easy to explain, as she's a magical creature. Nature itself and some animals aside from critters are presented as inherently magical in some ways, so that could also explain Pickles. I'm pretty sure one of the tips displayed in loading screens says something similar to "sentience has nothing to do with arcanum ability", which supports the previous statement. As for Door? I have no idea!

And there's also the more vague characters, who were implied or hinted to have been humans and are now supernatural entities such as TTT, Rabies, Poltergeist or Click. I'd argue that the supernatural aspect of it lines up with nature as an inherently magical thing, but that could be a reach.

Another point against the theory I offer is the fact that it implies most of the characters come from arcane bloodlines, and arcanists are said to be a minority. But how can they be a minority if everyone and their dog (hehe, Pickles....get it...) comes from arcane bloodlines?

During Constantine and Madame Z's divorce arc the last two chapters, one of the main points of tension within the Foundation is the fact that there are more arcanists than there used to be in the past (hinted to be a result of the "Storm"). And that these arcanists no longer feel comfortable having so many restrictions within society now that they're no longer a minority that's easy to ignore. While this information could work as an argument to support my theory, I think it's easier to remember that all the characters in-game are people that Vertin takes along to brave the storm with her - as seen with Regulus, they're special. The fact that there's so many of them isn't an issue. The ones not relevant to the main story are summoned with the spinning wheel from their respective times, it is not indicative of a high amount of Arcanists overall because they don't share the same space or time.

Characters like Druvis III, Mesmer Jr, Matilda and Sotheby are stated to come from prestigious or important arcanist families, but for other characters its either a subtle implication or their families are not addressed in the slightest.

And this finally brings us to the "Mixed" - where do they fit? Does this term allude to something different, just like the "Beyond"? Are they Mixed because their Afflatus is different? Or because they come from a family that includes both Arcanists and non-magical humans? Or because they're not full Arcanists? For this, we have to examine both Satsuki and Pavia. Both of them share a very particular detail that is important to their respective backstories: neither of them know their parents.

Satsuki is an orphan, which led her to start a life of crime out of necessity. The defining trait of her character is that she's trying to put her past behind her. This excerpt is from her 01 Story.

On this hopeless land, the orphan girl could only make a living by theft, which had earned her the title "Little Thief Using Arcane Skill" from the local government.

As for Pavia, he was sent to live with his aunt after his mother's death. The information on Pavia's parents is mentioned in his 02 Story and one of his voicelines.

His aunt did not like him. The child's face resembled that of her beautiful, sorrowful sister who had abandoned her, gone to the city, then died a few years later.

Mio padre (my father) was missing, Mia madre (my mother) was in the asylum. I can't remember her face, but I vaguely remember the rhyme she sang me... She's in Rome, probably in her middle age. I've never visited her.

On Pavia's specifically, there is a little confusion from my part since his 02 Story says that his mother died a few years after she left for the city, but then Pavia's voiceline implies she's still alive. I go into detail about that in this other post here, so I won't do it again either cause this post is already long as shit.

Either way, the main thing to keep in mind is that neither of these characters knew their parents, which could explain why "Mixed" is a category for Arcanists whose families and bloodlines couldn't be properly traced on account of not knowing them.

But also, "Mixed" encompasses arcanists who aren't purebloods, as implied by this document on Manus Vindictae from chapter 3:

"Holding a grudge against humans and contempt for the mixed, these extreme racists only recognize the bodies ruled by arcanist's blood as 'mankind'."

"In that case, humans, arcanists on the human side, and the mixed who tolerate the pollution of arcanist's blood [...]"

The wording used to described the Mixed speaks for itself. There's a discussion to be had about the parallels between the stigma against Arcanists and real life racism, or rather, how it replaces racism as we know it within the universe of the game. But that's an entire different debate. Overall, it's safe to assume that "Mixed" is a term for those without traceable and/or fully arcane families.

As for the "Infected", I have nothing to say because there's no one in that list! From what I can gather trying to look up information on them, Schenider was put on that list in the CN version for the demo, but was later taken out. I'll leave it at that for this part.

The next part of the profile states when they were exhibited and for how long. The first thing that comes to people's minds is to assume the year/era stated is when the character was born and that the age listed is their current age.

But upon closer inspection, that year of birth theory falls apart rather quickly because of characters like Regulus, who has been "exhibited" in two different centuries. Satsuki as well has two different ages listed. Or the fact that characters who should know their exact birth year instead have an approximation of it, like Matilda. Sonetto, despite being on the same age range as both Vertin and Matilda, is listed to have been exhibited in the 20th century too instead of the 1990's like Matilda's profile. Lilya, who was also in the Foundation at the same time as those three, is said to have been exhibited in the second half of the 20th century. They're within the same period, but imply very different things in the end. It's little details and wordings that simply don't add up.

But the biggest thing that ruins this assumption is the fact that characters born in the 90's simply wouldn't have any time to be the age they're listed as, because time began to go backwards on the year 1999.

This might be something explained in future CN chapters or events, I recall seeing people talking about how there are hints and clues about how time might've advanced up to 2006, that Vertin has been lied to in that regard, that the Foundation knows more than it lets on. And that could definitely affect my current analysis, but again, I'm a global player </3.

So assuming time DID stop in 1999 AND that the years listed are their birth years... Let's talk about Matilda and Pavia, characters stated to have been exhibited in the 1990's. Pavia is stated to have been exhibited for 25 years, while Matilda has been exhibited for 14 years - there are 11 years of difference between them, already impossible for characters who were both born in the 1990's. If Pavia was born in 1990, Matilda would've had to have been born in 2001 for their ages to line up. This isn't even taking into consideration the fact that they would've also have to live BEYOND 1999.

One could argue that they could've continued aging as expected with the reversal of time, but Matilda is the only one who could've done so by virtue of being a student within the Foundation - who are not affected by the "Storm". Pavia wouldn't have been able to, because only those special Arcanists can brave the storm if they're WITHIN Vertin's suitcase. The other option to survive a storm would be to work with the Foundation or Manus Vindictae. I can also safely say that Vertin wouldn't have been able to save Pavia on time, on account of being a child and the fact that Regulus was the first Arcanist she ever saved - something that took place in 1966.

Which begs the question: what does the year a character was first exhibited mean?

I've been told that one of the most popular theories within the CN fandom is that the year dictates the moment the character developed their Arcanum. For a magazine that focuses on Arcanists' and the truth about them, it makes sense to focus on when they first began to develop their unique Arcane skills. It does help with some age inconsistencies, but it leads me to think again about the previous examples.

Pavia first developed his skills as a child - it's the same argument as before. The timeframe is much too narrow for things to line up with his current age. And again, there's characters with more than one exhibition date.

I think it's pretty simple and that we might be reading too much into it: an exhibition is just a public display of art. The exhibition date is just the eras in which the characters were seen. The era they're from.

I don't have Regulus, but I remember her global Cover profile lists two different ages. The wikifandom states this for her profile: "Exhibited in the mid-20th century for 15 years." The era listed, mid-20th century, is equivalent to the period between 1930s and 1960s - this lines up with the main story, as Regulus braves the "Storm" from her era in 1966 (note she was already 15) to 1929.

For characters that aren't relevant to the main story (or that simply aren't affiliated with the Foundation or Manus Vindictae) the era they were exhibited in could apply to the moment they were taken from by Vertin's spinning wheel - the abilities of the item and the way characters are summoned seems to transcend time and space, leaving it all vague, magical and mysterious enough to make it work without too much scrutiny.

Next! The date the characters' were "completed" is simply their birthday. This is easy to check, since we can check all birthdays of the month when looking at the Sign-In menu and tapping on the birthday cake on the top right.

Right now, as of writing this, it's December. Rabies' birthday is on the 14th, which aligns with the information on his Cover profile.

Next, their place of birth and different places of exhibit. Pretty self-explanatory too! This is where they were born and all the relevant places the character might've traveled to throughout their life.

This post got very long, so I'll be talking about the remaining sections in a different one! If you've read this far, thank you! And if you have more insight, thoughts or would like to discuss details I might've missed, overlooked or that you feel are relevant, I'm all ears! I love talking lore and theories with others <3

[entryno17]

hi! since you're a big gaster fan and know a lot about him, i was hoping you could explain something to me. a popular theory is the dadster idea, where he is the father to sans and papyrus. but i dont understand why him being related to them is such a common assumption. i cant recall anything in the game that implies they are related. i know there's a couple subtle hints that sans worked for him, but afaik theres nothing that shows papyrus and gaster knew each other at all. if they were closely related wouldnt they bring him up at some point, even in a small way (like papyrus telling you his dad made the core or smth like that)? plus gaster doesnt have a special reaction to their names in deltarune when he does for other characters, and its not hinted anywhere that he had a family. just seems like a pretty big detail for them to all ignore or never bring up. could there be something i am missing?

you’re right—there’s actually no evidence implying their relation (unless you wanna talk about grandpa semi but let’s not get into that lmao), so it’s nothing more than a popular headcanon. it’s really just based on the fact that sans and papyrus are two skeleton brothers that speak in special fonts, so unless all skeletons speak in weird fonts in the underground?—the conclusion most people draw is that they’re related in some way.

as for papyrus seemingly being unfamiliar with gaster—this is a part where it’s completely up to interpretation. there are a lot of potential factors regarding this, and there’s definitely no right answer (that we know of, anyway). i’ll try to break down a few different things i think are worth bringing up.

1. the extent of memory retained between timelines/resets is INCREDIBLY ambiguously specified. (this is under the assumption that gaster was forgotten/erased after his ‘death’, which i talked about here.) we don’t know how much sans remembers gaster either—we don’t even know if he remembers him at all, which is a very real possibility. sans doesn’t have a special power to remember things between resets and timelines, he’s only able to notice them due to 1. prior research on the topic, and 2. generally being a really perceptive guy (as we know from his judgements, his continual observation of the player throughout their journey, etc). he could know that something’s wrong or that there’s parts of his past that he can’t remember, but there’s a real chance that even sans doesn’t know who gaster is, only knowing vaguely that he existed. based on his “don’t forget” note and how you interpret it, retaining memory is clearly important to him—hence the reminder he wrote for himself.

the deja vu that characters show between resets is never really explained in full; it’s probably meant to be vague, and it’s something that every character seems to have. what it entails or what its extent is, we have no idea. maybe the memory that persists through it varies in some way, depending on circumstances? we have no clue. maybe sans has some vague memory of gaster, maybe he remembers way more; again, there’s no way to tell. he never directly mentions gaster either, after all.

taking all this into account, it’s possible papyrus doesn’t know anything at all. if he’s unaware of resets, maybe he doesn’t remember anything. but, if he IS aware of them...

2. papyrus is a liar. he’s incredibly secretive, and honestly more mysterious than gaster imo. we have no way of knowing how much or how little he knows about gaster or anything else; if he does know everything, he certainly wouldn’t give us any clues about it. there’s a lot of analysis on the weirder parts of papyrus, but i’ll bring up a few important bits of information.

the most important thing in my opinion is, of course, this:

which, uh...

... yeah! he has those too! what the fuck!

many people have also pointed out that papyrus seems to really hate hotland for some reason, which is where gaster presumably worked as the royal scientist. maybe there's some relation there? and before you enter the core, papyrus tells you that he won’t be able to call you anymore... which is kinda weird, because alphys calls you in the core. repeatedly. (and if you consider gaster’s weird association with phones, specifically with them not working... uhh??)

AND...!!!

we still don’t know what this means. i’m afraid to know what this means.

what i’m trying to say is that there is a wealth of strange gaster/papyrus connections. i couldn’t possibly go over all of them, but MAN. they are present.

3. gaster actually DOES react to sans and papyrus’s names in deltarune! here’s a list of all the names that get a special reaction:

notably he doesn’t react to any darkner names, but he does acknowledge sans and papyrus. so he definitely KNOWS them, at the very very least.

in conclusion, i forgot this post was supposed to be about dadster. oops. but yeah—there are far too many connections between the three skeletons to dismiss their relation, and though we don’t know how they’re related, familial relationship is a popular theory.

... they’re a font family. (rimshot)

[theywontletmebeprincipal]

can you give me drowsy headcanons, ramble, or anything please, i am so deprived. do not be afraid to make it super long, the more the better, i just love drowsy chaperone and love to hear other people (plus you’re one of the only people i’ve seen who knows a lot abt it)

ASK AND YE SHALL RECIEVE

I’ll divide this into a few different parts, going from least to most excruciatingly sad :)

1. general headcanons

2. in canon things i noticed and think about daily

3. a full analysis of man in chair’s connections with the drowsy chaperone as an in universe show (trigger warning for abuse ment, alcoholism ment, suicide ment)

SECTION ONE: HEADCANONS

- okay the chaperone is trans I don’t make the rules

- also her name is ambrosia :) she forsook her last name :)

- she’s about 12 years older than janet and kinda hung with janet’s family after leaving her own for a while . essentially she’s a big sister to janet

- aldolpho has some lines where he asks if the bride is big and/or burly and while in canon this is supposed to show he’s kind of a womanizer I like to believe it’s because he was fully prepared to fight her if needed

- speaking of which Of Course janet is ripped she does gymnastics

- my batshit crazy headcanon for this show is that dee dee allen from the prom is a descendant of roman bartelli no I will not elaborate

- is aldolpho one of those bitches with pets that definitely shouldn’t be legal? yessir

- post show kitty becomes a star okay I just want her to be happy

- the “pastry chefs” do discover a love of baking post show and now run a shop along with performing in feldzeig’s follies which might maybe be a front for some crime too

- TRIX DROWSY AND ALDOLPHO WORLD TRAVELING POLYCULE CAUSING PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE

- underling’s name is james I will not elaborate on this either

- show never says what trix does so I’ve decided she’s an explorer. she charts maps and punches colonialists and drags her stupid friends along with her, the only bitch in the show with a braincell

- drowsy was a former vaudeville child star pre transition - she left the business but was a mentor to janet

- I do have a headcanon for mic’s name but in the spirit of every actor who’s ever played him I won’t fucking tell

SECTION TWO: SHIT I NOTICED

- robert refers to himself by full name a lot of the time which is v interesting given he’s named after the writer, bob martin (whose wife is also named janet van de graaf). the real bob martin is like five feet away at all times playing mic

- idk how to describe it but the dynamic kitty and feldzeig (VICTOR felgzeig. we have a name from one (1) line) have when talking to each other is so snappy and funny and good

- aldolpho’s lines in spanish are mostly romantic bullshit but his first one hints that he has/had a wife who, if we’re taking the translation literally, refused to touch him. yeah I’ll bring this up in analysis

- the “pastry chefs” provide liquor for the wedding even though it has absolutely no relevance to their mission of stopping it :)

- drowsy is like. SUPER endearing towards janet and despite her bad social skills it’s super clear she cares a lot about her

- robert speaks fluent french apparently

- everyone says “ew” after aldolpho reveals his affair with drowsy despite her being a certified milf

- the body language of drowsy in the end of the show where she takes mic’s hands and breaks the barrier between reality and fiction is just so good. she was iconic the whole show but I honestly think this final bit is what won beth leavel the Tony in the end

SECTION THREE: OH NO

before diving into the way the drowsy chaperone affects his character, we need to understand what exactly it’s playing off of. to fully understand mic’s attachment to the drowsy chaperone, we need to outline what led him to isolating himself and living in fiction to the extent that he does.

mic’s father left his family at an early age and his semi estranged alcoholic mother was the one who began his love for theatre. mic grew up in a broken household and eventually moved on to land in a one sided marriage, which lasted a few months until he slipped up and expressed his discomfort with the situation, after which he and his wife split. nowadays, he lives alone in his apartment surrounded by records he uses to escape to a better life - his favorite of which being the one his mother gave him, the drowsy chaperone.

symbolism in the drowsy chaperone regarding mic’s life can be split into two main categories - mommy issues and internalized homophobia. there isn’t nearly as much mom symbolism as there is the latter, so I’ll cover that first.

drowsy covers both bases, but she definitely has some undeniable mom symbolism going on. drowsy marries aldolpho and mom dreams of being swept off her feet by a latin lover, both feel they’ve wasted their chances at love, both drink to forget, etc. this is where the idea of the drowsy chaperone being mic’s ideal way for things to work out, a positive parallel, comes into play. given that we don’t hear too much about mic’s mom other than her connections to major life events and the record itself, we can assume they grew apart in one way or another. the key difference is that drowsy finds a happy relationship for herself and retains her bond with janet, unlike what we’re led to assume mom was like.

further elaborating on the drowsy chaperone representing mic’s ideal fantasy version of events is the wedding the drowsy chaperone’s plot centers around. here’s a list of the things that didn’t stop that damn wedding:

- a minister not showing up

- the groom cheating on the bride with the bride

- the bride having a complete mental breakdown

- indirect mafia interference

- direct mafia interference

on the flip side, what little mic says about his wedding indicates it sucked absolute ass. he spent the entire ceremony in internal distress as he went through with a life changing event he, at that point, knew at least a bit that he didn’t want. I think he also implies he had severe diarrhea on the wedding day? it gets worse when you realize mic’s relationship before the wedding wasn’t any good for him either - he was playing along the whole time because it would be cruel not to, right?

throughout the show, mic is pretty clearly shown as an extremely repressed gay man. there are five specific instances that point at romantic and/or sexual attraction to men directly and another moment outside of his commentary that pretty much confirms it if you look a little bit deeper. thus, here is what I propose - to mic, the drowsy chaperone’s wedding plot represents a world where he was able to ignore that part of himself and have a happy marriage with his wife despite all the overwhelming obstacles thrown at him. however, bits and pieces of that internalized homophobia manage to show themselves throughout the drowsy chaperone anyway despite its happy ending. here’s a rundown on a few significant instances:

- by the end of the show, the “pastry chefs”, who had literally been planning to kill feldzeig, have left their life of crime to perform with him. this symbolizes how in mic’s ideal world he would have been able to turn away from what he perceived at the time as living wrongly - his homosexuality

- at the same time, the “pastry chefs” have this line, spoken in regards to janet: “if she gets married and leaves the show... there ain’t no show.” this is a take on mic’s subconscious concern that he might lose himself if he goes on with his marriage pretending everything is alright - of course, as we already know, he doesn’t listen

- “cold feets” is a pretty obvious instance of mic’s hesitation

- aldolpho’s line in spanish regarding the wife who won’t touch him flips to reflect on mic’s treatment of his own ex wife - she was alien to him as a lover, just as aldolpho was to this woman

- janet recalls her meeting robert at a point in the show and states “we spooned, briefly, then he proposed.” though mic’s relationship pre marriage was much longer than that, it must have felt that way to him - just as quick and nonsensical as janet describes

- just as janet is caught in showbiz but has a toxic love for it, so does mic with his own repressed life

- janet has a line in “show off” that alludes to her experiencing harassment/assault: “I don’t wanna be cheered no more/ praised no more/ grabbed no more/ touched no more/ loved no more” , which I believe represents the way mic perceived his intimacy with his wife - labeled as love yet unenjoyable for him

- “I look into his eyes... I get all woozy. and that’s... love, isn’t it?” is another very clear nod to mic’s misconception of love based off the only thing he’s ever experienced, relationships with women he’s had to fake

- this is the part where I tell you the lyrics to toledo surprise are a metaphor for actively suppressing gay thoughts. I’ll just leave you with “if it tries to rise; don’t let it”. these lyrics are not comprehensive enough to make a dish - trust me, I have tried. it’s also notable that they serve a double entendre as instructions on how to beat the shit out of someone, but several lyrics are also directed towards the singer/audience. for example: “it’s a snap/ try it folks/ whip your whites/ split your yolks” is an easy metaphor for the unhealthy mental gymnastics required to repress oneself so wholeheartedly

it’s also worth noting the obvious just for the sake of it - mic copes with all this by isolating himself in a safe spot where he can use musicals to escape and live his ideal fantasy, even if it’s only for a short time. there are plenty of nods to this throughout the drowsy chaperone as well. in “as we stumble along” drowsy notes that “the best that we can do is hope a bluebird/ will sing a song/ as we stumble along” - to mic, musicals are his bluebird. while mic mostly indulges in these fantasies, he knows to a certain extent the sheer amount of time he’s spending in them is unhealthy. the first line of the show is “I hate theatre” and I think that to an extent? he does. obviously mic loves theatre as a concept, that can’t be denied. what he hates is the way he’s allowed it to confine him.

with all that out of the way, let’s move on to the most important moment of the show. if you’ve ever seen the show, you’ll know exactly which scene I’m talking about immediately. I’m referring to, of course, the infamous “l-ve while you can” scene. as janet stands at the alter she asks drowsy for one final word of advice, which is partially obscured by aldolpho dropping his cane. “l-ve while you can.” it’s a simple moment, but mic reveals to us that he’s been agonizing over it for years - did drowsy say “live” or “leave”? it occurs to everyone eventually, whether a couple days after the show like with me, or years after like with bob martin’s replacement on broadway that the most likely answer is that she had said “love while you can”. it’s this moment, when you realize why mic had never seen that as an option, that the drowsy chaperone’s status as a musical within a comedy within a tragedy is solidified. mic had no love in his life - his parents hated each other and he was forcing himself into relationships in which he felt nothing. to him, living and leaving were options, but loving never was. so he locked himself away.

as the final note on the record is playing, all power in mic’s apartment shuts down and the fantasy is ruined. the superintendent arrives and further invades his space, breaking the private sanctity he had built up for so long. she fixes the power and before mic can stop it from happening, the final note of the record plays. and the super recognizes it as a musical. she makes a remark about how much her wife loves musicals and leaves, completely unaware of what she’s just done.

mic sits in silence for a while. and then he begins to sing. gradually, the cast members begin to echo their songs, dancing around him but never touching him. then drowsy appears and sings harmony to mic. and she takes his hands. the show ends with the entire cast, including mic, taking off on trix’s airplane as the curtain falls, drowsy handing mic his record as the plane takes off.

some people interpret the ending as mic committing suicide, finally deciding between live and leave. I don’t personally believe that and neither does writer and original mic bob martin, but it’s still a valid interpretation. the drowsy chaperone’s ending is ambiguous, yes, but not to that extent. no matter what you believe the ending means, it was brought on not by the interruption of the fantasy, but by whatever realization the super’s remark about her wife triggered. as I see it, there are two main options here.

option one - mic realizes he still has time to live and to love. when he was younger the prospect of living as himself was unthinkable to him, yet now he sees that while he was spending countless years alone the world grew. drowsy offers mic her hand, an invitation to finally become what he had admired in her - someone who isn’t anywhere near perfect, but is damn well trying and living life without regret. he accepts.

option two - mic realizes that while he spent years alone the world moved on without him and he’s isolated himself so much from social interaction that he’d no longer be able to make a meaningful connection with anyone outside. so he stays inside instead, never trying, always trapped between live and leave. drowsy offers mic her hand - at least he’ll have a tune to carry with him.

I really want to believe we got option one. I think option one is the intended, really, given mic ends the show with a joyful goodbye to the audience. but the way that the ending is still left open for interpretation makes it so that we can never really know - we as the audience only get to be privy to a small part of mic’s life, and we don’t get the answers we want because at the end of the day they’re irrelevant to us - all we can do is make our own choice.

[bigskydreaming]

I'm having a worse than usual day, so my go to moodlift method is making up headcanons for Dick that don't involve superheroing. You know, the romantic hero, the 'most eligible bachelor' aspect.. gets the focus. Because hey plenty of us had a crush on him growing up. Just for fun, I wanna ask you, do you think he's a slow burn romance kinda guy or intense fiery passionate romance from the get go kinda guy? One more, the age old question, is HE an ass guy or a tiddy guy? Imo he's a thigh guy..

Sorry you’re having a crap day, and uh, hope this didn’t end up not fun, I got lost in the headcanoning and character analysis and zigged and zagged per usual, so……I do not trust my ability to tell, overall. LMAO. But good question, made me think!

I think it depends on the person. I feel like Dick is capable of both, that sometimes feelings just creep up on him for someone over time, but other times he’s just drawn to someone instantly. For me, Babs and Kory is the proof - the instant crush on Babs from day one is more of a Reboot introduction to their dynamic…..in various older continuities, she was more a rival at first. Even as he advocated for Bruce to help train her and not stop her from being Batgirl at sometimes, he still very much was competitive with her, that sort of thing. You could argue it was the schoolboy kinda crush, that idea of a boy pulling the pigtails of a girl he likes because he doesn’t know how to admit he likes her or even realizes himself that he does. But personally, I find that explanation doesn’t really fit Dick, as its more fitting to someone who lacked his early maturity.

The thing is, a lot of people tend to focus on some of Dick’s more immature behaviors and actions, as a grown man and back when he was Robin with the puns and seeming innocence, and just see it as innocence and immaturity…..but I’ve always seen it as a coping mechanism. Dick grew up fast at a very early age, as much as Bruce himself did - they just coped with it in very different ways. People emphasize that Bruce took him in partly to keep Dick from turning out like he did, but they often forget at the same time that Bruce also took Dick in because he empathized with him, saw himself and his own tragedy reflected in Dick’s. Life-altering events had already happened to Dick before he ever set foot in Wayne Manor…..and Dick was altered. He was painfully aware of how cruel life could be, how serious things were, before Bruce ever actually had any ability to halt that realization from ever touching Dick.

The difference between Bruce and Dick and how they turned out, is that with Bruce’s support in those early years, Dick willfully clung to as much of his childhood as was left to him, even if at times it was the ‘fake it until you make it’ mentality. Many of his more immature behaviors are IMO a spiteful defiance of life’s attempt to make him grow up before he should have had to….and Bruce encouraged these things, IMO. He gave Dick the support and shelter, the buffer that allowed Dick to act immature even in the face of gravely serious and dark issues, because quite frankly, Dick cracking puns even while they were face to face with a life-threatening danger is probably a healthier coping mechanism than any Bruce had at the same age, at least in Bruce’s eyes if nothing else. 

But my point is, Dick’s youthful optimism and cheeriness even in the darkest parts of growing up Robin in Gotham City….none of that existed because Dick was truly childish and immature as befitted his actual age, thanks to Bruce taking him in and guiding him to turn out better than he did or whatever that line of thought might look like…..rather, it existed because Dick made the willful and deliberate choice to act as much the child as he could for as long as he could…..and I think that in the early years when things were really good between them and they were largely on the same page, Bruce recognized this choice for what it was, this defiance to the cards life had dealt Dick, and he encouraged and defended Dick’s ability to make this choice and act this way.

But you can’t see the kind of things all the Robins saw and actually be as immature and goofy as Dick acted as Robin, untouched by all of that. Dick was right there in the thick of it all along. How can you avoid being touched by Gotham’s darkness, seeing Gotham’s darkness, when you’re punching it right in the face, you know? You can’t. But what you can do, if you choose to, and which is what Dick chose to do….is not give it the satisfaction of knowing it touched you. The real testament of how mature Dick was or not as a young crime-fighting Robin, how aware he was or not of the grim realities of life, was not in how he acted when face to face with villains and criminals, but rather, how he acted when face to face with their victims. THAT’S where the reality of Dick’s maturity shined through, even LONG before he met Barbara in any canon.

Which is how this tangent brings us back to topic, lol….a schoolboy crush being the explanation for some of Dick’s earlier pettiness with Barbara and their rivalry at times, like, just doesn’t track with Dick’s actual maturity, IMO. The actual more likely explanation as I see it is that Dick did genuinely clash with her at times, in the very early years, that his initial attitudes were a confused mish-mash of feeling threatened by her and her possibly getting between him and Bruce, the partnership that was in all but name his unique form of father-son bonding time….but also at the same time still being Dick Grayson and feeling compelled to do the right thing and respect and thus defend her being given the same chance and training he’d been given, to do what they both felt needed doing, that they were driven to do.

So I don’t think he and Babs were instant friends, and I don’t think she was his instant crush….I think it was slowburn with her, he gradually grew to develop feelings for her over time, as his respect for her mind and capabilities grew to outweigh whatever conflicting emotions he felt about her being around, and then eventually blossomed into actual love.

Then in contrast, you have Kory. And I think Dick was instantly attracted to her from the get-go, and their relationship was the very epitome of intense passionate romance and all the ups and downs that go along with it, as befits too of the most primal and passionate people in the DC universe. Dick was drawn to her pretty much from day one, and Kory was as well, and it wasn’t an opposites attract thing so much as two beings resonating on the same wavelength, even if at times from different parts of the same spectrum. 

Because here’s the thing about Dick that I think links the two kinds of relationships and makes them both fitting for him…..he is very much a creature of instincts. He goes with his gut, he responds to things on an automatic and visceral level. But at the same time, the other truth about Dick is that his mind is no less exceptional than anyone else’s in the Batfamily, and his instincts are guided by a hell of a lot more intellect and processing power than most peoples’ are. He’s been trained from the time he could walk, even long before he met Bruce, to have exceptional situational awareness, to adapt to changes in his environment and predicaments with a moment’s notice, to take in every possible relevant detail at a glance when the stakes are literally those of leaping off a high trapeze. Dick trusts his instincts, because Dick’s instincts are exceptional, and with reason.

And this applies to every part of his life, not just the superhero parts. So when Dick feels drawn to someone like Kory, I think he trusts his gut and goes with it….he might not necessarily even know yet on a conscious level why he’s attracted to them and they’re someone he could really fall for and have a relationship with, he just knows that he does feel that way, and trusts that its for a reason. And then at the same time, with someone like Barbara, he likely had those same instincts about her, leading to the times he defends her to Bruce even though he might have clashed with her just minutes before, but he knows there’s a reason for him to do that, act that way, even if it takes much longer for that to transition from a mere possibility of actual compatibility to conscious feelings of actual attraction and love. 

Its all instinct to him either way….but the person he’s instinctively reacting to has the definitive role in whether or not its slowburn or instant passionate attraction….because the other deep truth about him that I feel is relevant here is that Dick feeds off other people, their energy, what they show him and give him to work with….and his instinct is usually to meet them in kind, give the same energy back, unless say, he makes the conscious decision to override his instincts and power through an antagonistic reception and try and forge a positive bond, like with building his sibling dynamic and mentorship of Damian.

But in regards to his romances, as I said, I think the same instincts might be in play with both Barbara and Kory, but it played out very differently because Babs wasn’t initially drawn to him, not in that way at least. She wasn’t putting forth a romantic energy, and so it took awhile for Dick’s own romantic feelings to emerge and for them to finally be reciprocated in time. In contrast, it was hot and fiery from day one with Kory, because Kory was drawn to him from day one as much as Dick was to her, so there was nothing to slow down or stop those instincts from transforming into attraction and romantic feelings from the second he felt them.

As to the rest of your ask, lololol, sorry to be a cop out, but I don’t think there is a specific physical draw for Dick. I’ve always headcanoned him as bi, which is a bit of projection on my part, sure, but also I just genuinely don’t think gender or even physicality at all has anything to do with what draws to a person, or makes him attracted to them. Yeah, sure, I think he absolutely has physical attributes he loves and might put forth as their best attribute for any partner he’s with, but I think its different with each person because Dick is all about individuality….not just with himself and his own independence, but just….people aren’t interchangeable for him. At any level, I think. 

Every person who’s important to him is uniquely distinct in his mind, and I think with his romantic partners, this results in him liking something distinct about them physically, that separates them in his mind from any other partners he’s had. Because I don’t think its physical appearance that’s Dick’s primary source of attraction with his partners….he’s attracted to them first, and then he settles on something physical that’s uniquely attractive to him as well, that’s different in his mind from anyone else.

Because I think the thing that draws Dick to people in all forms of his relationships, but is particularly true and evident in his romantic partners…..is Dick is both drawn and attracted to competence, skill, power, intellect….all the things that make someone hardy. Durable. A survivor in the context of the world of superheroics that he lives in, specifically.

He’s drawn to people he feels he’s less likely to lose. And he’s attracted to people that this is equally true of, and even moreso, to the degree where he doesn’t feel any need to protect them….not because he doesn’t want to, but because it isn’t relevant. He feels and trusts that they’re more than capable of protecting themselves just as well if not better than he ever could.

And he knows better than anyone that nothing’s a guarantee, and even as he surrounds himself with family and friends and romantic partners that all have in common the fact that they’re incredibly skilled, capable and powerful…enduring…..he still knows that doesn’t mean he can’t lose them, that he won’t lose them. And thus IMO they all wind up in distinct categories in his mind.

His family, he’d kill for. His friends, he’d die for. And his romantic partners, the thing that makes him attracted to them, rather than just drawn to them, are those that he has no doubt would kick his ass for ever presuming to do either of those things for them, because they’re more than capable of taking care of themselves, thanks ever so much. He’s attracted to people he feels safe around, in the sense that he’s not always on guard, always worried about losing them, because he trusts in their ability to endure, survive, and thrive. And that he also can relax around, in the sense that he’s not always feeling like its on him to protect them, defend them, that he has to be always to be on guard or watching out for…because its not his job to protect them and it doesn’t have to be, because there’s nothing he can do for them that they can’t do for themselves and wouldn’t prefer to be left to them. And thus with them he can just…be.

Dick Grayson IMO is attracted to one type of person and one type only: his equals in body, mind and spirit. The ones he can stand beside and not feel dwarfed by or lost in their shadow, and at the same time never have to look back to make sure they’re following him because he knows they’re right there next to him keeping up. He’s attracted to those who challenge him, intellectually, emotionally, that he respects on every level, but who respect him on every level too…..with this part being especially key, and the problem he’s had in his canon relationships - they ONLY fall apart on his end of things, make him lose faith in the relationship, when he feels disrespected, that they’re not valuing him or his capabilities or contributions. 

Dick KNOWS his own worth, which is why he’s such a unique blend of confidence and insecurity….he can weather a whole society of people looking down on him because he knows their opinion doesn’t mean shit to him, but still be stricken with insecurity when he feels someone whose opinion he DOES value, like a romantic partner, family or friend, seems to question his worth or what he’s capable of. 

Dick and Kory are my preferred canon relationship because when they’re ALLOWED to work without editorial mandate to break them up or keep them apart, they embody this most fully for me. Because Kory is massively more powerful than Dick, but never regarded Dick as anything other than her equal in the field in spite of that. There was no question that they both regarded each other as fellow warrior spirits that they trusted to have their back in battle above all others. Kory and Dick work so well for me, because with everything else I said kept in mind, they SHOULDN’T work, not as total equals, and yet they DO. There SHOULD be a power imbalance there, and yet there never was. Not one that was felt, anyway, and not one that was ever in any way responsible for any of their romantic problems. Their issues were disagreements born of competing ideologies….but that both felt equally strongly about. Or issues of trust but only that were externally imposed by brainwashing and shapeshifting and bad shitty writing and editorial mandate that I’ll be ranting about on my deathbed. 

BUT I DIGRESS.

Anyway, enough rhapsodizing about Dick and Kory, lol, like that’s anything new. I mean, I could insert rhapsodizing about the potential for Dick and Kyle based on all of the above and other reasons, but that’s nothing new either. And also, whoops, this got super fucking long.

OH UNKNOWABLE UNIVERSE, WHO COULD HAVE FORESEEN SUCH A THING.

[theghostofashton]

arthur pendragon: character analysis

i’ve been wanting to do this for so long, and a lot of people said they wanted it on that post i made about potentially doing it, so....here we go. strap in, y’all. this is gonna be a long ride.

i’ve had this thought in my mind since i watched the series for the first time through. arthur, canonically having depression, but it never being outright said, because, let’s be real, i don’t think they had a working understanding of depression as a mental health condition (i’m sure it did exist - the earliest accounts come from mesopotamia, but it definitely wasn’t thought of back then how we see it now). i think the episodes that really solidified it for me were 3x12 and 3x13. there were little hints leading up to it, like this, 

this is from excalibur (1x09), and you can see arthur’s face change when uther says this to him. you watch the surprise physically manifest on his face, because uther has never told him that. he’s gotten this:

and again, uther admits that it’s entirely his doing, and not arthur’s: 

and this is important because of something else that happens in the episode. 1x09 is arthur’s coming of age ceremony, where he officially takes the title of crown prince. i was reading someone else’s post about this - all credit to them for what i’m about to say here. they were talking about arthur being the best warrior in camelot, and how that’s....well, remember this?

so you mean to tell me that there are no older, long-standing knights? ones who’ve been training for longer than arthur’s been alive? he’s the best? or he’s been forced to be the best by his tyrant of a father who could do nothing but berate him his entire life, to the point where he genuinely believes he’s a disappointment and inadequate. what did arthur have to go through to get to a point of literally being the best warrior in the kingdom before he was even crown prince? 

most people headcanon arthur as around 20 in the first season, potentially turning 21 at his coming-of-age ceremony. and y’all, let’s be real. he’s still a kid. 20 is not a full-fledged adult, by any means. i’d argue that he barely had the chance to be a kid, before uther stepped in and begun to groom him to take over the throne. he didn’t have friends, aside from morgana. the men with him in the pilot are never seen after the first episode. as soon as merlin arrives, he latches onto him, again, because merlin is the first real friend he’s ever had. 

merlin is also the first person to completely and utterly refuse to treat him like a royal. we see it in the first episode. merlin wasn’t raised with a concept of royalty and class order the way arthur was, obvious from the way he speaks to arthur, even after learning he’s the king’s son. and arthur, as he’s been taught his whole life, is all “you can’t talk to me like that i’m the prince”, but really...he latches onto that, throughout the series. merlin treats him like an equal. like arthur. not the prince, not the future king, and i’d argue, given the whole destiny and “two sides of the same coin” thing, merlin would have all the more reason to treat arthur like he’s special. but he doesn’t. 

this is why arthur is so attached to merlin. this video is hilarious, but you realize, through watching it...arthur has people who could dress him, serve him, etc, in the kingdom. there are hundreds who would be happy to. but that isn’t good enough. he needs merlin. because merlin sees him. merlin sees arthur, underneath all of the princely royalty and formality. merlin makes fun of him and laughs at him and doesn’t take his crap, makes him feel normal, makes him feel human, i would absolutely argue. merlin makes him feel like he’s more than a representation of camelot. he’s a person, too.

in 3x06, when arthur almost marries elena, it’s merlin who gets him to stop the wedding. it’s merlin’s speech right before, merlin’s reaffirmation that no, he’s not just the future king of camelot, he’s a person, and the kingdom is shit if it means their ruler is unhappy. it’s about arthur’s royal duty, but it is equally about his happiness. merlin won’t let him forget that. 

arthur’s been raised to believe that his feelings don’t matter. his happiness doesn’t matter. it’s camelot, above all, and he just has to live with that. newsflash to uther: feelings don’t go away simply because you tell someone not to have them. arthur represses everything because he’s been taught to. he’s been told that’s what’s needed from him. being true to himself is selfish, because he can’t do that and lead a strong kingdom at the same time. it’s impossible. 

also worth mentioning that when he does try to do what he wants, make himself happy (i.e courting gwen), uther sentences the love of his life to death and forces him to deal with that. even though gwen ends up being fine (bless u merlin), that fear, that panic, that the person he loves most will be forcibly ripped from him because for the first time in his life, he’s doing something for arthur... again, it reinforces that what he wants doesn’t matter. his feelings and his happiness do not matter. 

and now we get into what really solidifies this for me. the end of season 3. morgana’s betrayal. more specifically, this scene:

and here, what’s really really interesting to me, is that even merlin evokes the “you’re the prince this is your royal duty” card, in trying to get through to arthur. he goes there, because he knows that this bad. arthur is the most defeated he’s ever seen him. 

the first time i watched this scene, with merlin bringing him food and trying to convince him to eat, it reminded me of how you’d treat a friend going through a depressive episode. try to lift them up, bring them something to eat, and promise them they can conquer what they’re dealing with.

and then we have this: 

that scene, with arthur slowly emerging from the cave, ready to fight again, just reminds me so uniquely of what i just said above. merlin, the concerned friend, trying to do something, when someone they love is dealing with stuff, and arthur, finally emerging from his depression and garnering the strength to try again. 

this is a little moment, but i’ve always thought it was so important:

you’re not tho. and merlin knows that. this is after merlin was hurt by the dorocha, after he and lancelot come back. the other knights are sleeping, and the camera pans out to show us merlin and arthur talking. specifically, arthur being vulnerable and scared and sad, about what’s to come. the thing is, he wouldn’t have opened up and talked about it to anyone, other than merlin. it’s like merlin has become his safe space to be honest about everything he represses around literally anyone else. merlin knows he’s not okay, and arthur knows he can’t convince merlin otherwise, so he just doesn’t. that like.....immediately after that scene of them welcoming merlin back, we cut to this. arthur starts to open up, speak his real feelings, because merlin is there and merlin is his Person, and he’s okay to do it. there’s no pretense. 

and then we have grief pt. II 

the end of season 4, agravaine betrays arthur, and then we have these scenes, more heart-wrenching every time i watch them. 

this is his inadequacy. his lack of self-esteem. arthur doesn’t believe in himself, like, at all. he hasn’t lived up to uther’s standards, he hasn’t been the “expectation” of a strong and powerful king, and that is reinforced by the people he loves constantly turning on him and betraying him, convincing him that they care about him and then turning on a dime and trying to destroy his kingdom. 

tristan tears him down so easily. too easily. if arthur really was arrogant, overconfident, self-obsessed, he wouldn’t sink this deep based on someone whose opinion has literally no impact on his life or power over him’s words. 

(there are def more scenes throughout season 4 that show this, but i’m realizing how genuinely long this post has gotten and i feel like i need to shut up soon so i’m just pulling the biggest scenes)

god, i just wanna wrap him up in the biggest hug and tell him he’s doing well. he’s doing the best he can, and it is enough. but arthur genuinely believes this. he believes he’s awful, and disappointment, and an unworthy, undeserving king. 

and then we have this, going back to what i said earlier about merlin being the concerned friend trying to help someone they love out of a depressive episode. arthur wants to go back to bed and wallow in his sadness and inevitably repress it, and allow himself to be defeated. merlin has other ideas. 

there are a lot of ways to read this scene. the way i see it, arthur needed this. he needed to feel this confidence and assurance in himself. he needed to feel worthy. merlin used magic to get the sword out of stone as a tangible, visual representation of arthur’s strength and power as king. 

........and then it is completely torn away from him in 5x03. fuck uther. fuck him so hard. he deserves to burn. i’ll never forgive him for 5x03, for this:

the look on arthur’s face after uther says this absolutely kills me. this entire scene kills me.

uther calls out the knights, arthur says they’re some of the finest camelot has known, uther says that listening to others makes you look weak, and then arthur’s voice starts to waver as he says that listening to others is a sign of strength, not weakness. he’s trying so hard, to remember what merlin’s told him, what gwen’s told him, what everyone in the kingdom has loved him for for so long, and uther tears it down in seconds. 

arthur’s voice remains shaky through the rest of it, as uther criticizes gwen and arthur’s decision to marry for his own love and happiness, because again, what he feels and what he wants does not matter. even after his death, uther is still finding ways to destroy any sense of self-worth and self-esteem arthur’s worked so hard to build. god, it makes me fucking furious. 

arthur starts crying after uther tells him he’s destroying his legacy. he’s been trying so hard to be good, to be worthy, to be something, and it’s torn down, once again. 

he keeps trying to believe in himself and build that self-worth, but people keep tearing it down, reinforcing the things he already thinks of himself. 

let’s talk about gwen for a quick second. my girl. i love her so much. when arthur is doubting himself, feeling badly about a decision, she’s always there to remind him that he is good, he is strong, he is capable. 

this is 3x12. and in this scene, arthur still looks like a scared little boy, unsure of the future. and gwen says this, and you watch his face change, you watch her remind him that he has done good, he is good, and that she’s proud of him. finally. someone is proud of the decisions he makes. someone believes in him. 

when arthur is doubting himself, gwen is reminding him of how good he is. she always makes sure to say it. 

this is 5x12. episode before last, and arthur is still not sure of himself. he still doubts everything. this is not something his reign has fixed in him, because it’s not fixable. the things he’s endured, the abuse uther has put him through, has developed into depression, into this overwhelming self-loathing, because he constantly feels as though he isn’t enough. he constantly feels unworthy.

angel’s delivery in these scenes is always magnificent. you can hear the emotion in her voice, the vigor with which she’s trying to convince arthur that he’s more than he’s been told his entire life. she knows he struggles with this. she knows it’s hard for him to believe. she keeps telling him he’s good, because he hasn’t grown up hearing that. and he needs it, desperately. you know how they say your love language is something you were deprived of as a child? arthur’s is absolutely words of affirmation. he needs them.

merlin does it too:

arthur is a good king and a good person. he is strong, and brave, and every bit the king camelot deserves, if not so much more. this is another post entirely, but this is why it bothers me when people get angry at him for how he reacted to merlin’s magic. look at merlin’s place in his life. look how much he trusted merlin with, how much of himself and his soul he beared to the only person he could trust with his honest, vulnerable, raw feelings. i ship merthur, but even if you don’t, the actors have said that merlin and arthur had a bond that superceded everything. they were soulmates. imagine your other half lying to you for as long as merlin did. 

(this is not to say merlin isn’t valid for keeping it hidden for so long - i get that he had his reasons, i’m just saying that arthur’s reaction was justified). 

but yeah. arthur pendragon is a depressed, insecure angel who desperately needs all the love in the world and i will never shut up about it. he is a good, strong, self-less king, who led camelot to its true greatness. he made us so proud. 

[redsandtemple]

Actually, I'm going to break down the response bc I'm bored and my personality is making drama apparently

Going in reverse order bc that's how I like addressing things.

Reminder to anyone watching this clown car that I'm talking about a real fucking person, and real fucking people here, in case the absurdity of the scenario was lost.

So, for the response given by @wy-oh-wy , let's get into it

Ableism part 2: electric bugaloo!

First I'm going to point out this paragraph:

"When they found out Scar was a disabled YouTuber (they did not know this, at first) they were amazed by how hard he worked and they were inspired to work harder, even though in my opinion, they already worked hard enough."

This is just, straight up disability inspiration porn thinking? I'm full willing to call this ableist, because this explanation just pedastals scar for being disabled. It's barely different from the barrage of youtube comments calling him "so strong and inspiring for being able to make content while wheelchair bound, haha, if I was in a wheelchair I'd die" lol?

“Recently, Rhayne had become physically disabled” so I AM right, this is internalized ableism? The fact that it is recent does nothing to further your point, and I could easily present this as something to further mine. Get better points lmfao

"The year before that, it was about autism awareness." Not my lane to be in, but since we've been in everyone else's already, I'm calling this one a red flag too considering the actual autistic community has been pushing for autism acceptance as how to present the scenario, but hey, I'm slicing cubed tomatoes at this point, so let's leave it at that.

"Their headcanon literally has nothing to do with disability or anything.  Scar is not the only character they hc as ace, either, like you have claimed.  It has nothing to do with disability.  ... You can cry internalized ableism all you want, but it’s not ableist to headcanon a disabled person as ace (which they aren’t, they’re talking about character Scar, not REAL Scar, hence why they talk about the characters with SCARS AND A CRIMINAL BACKGROUND when RYAN does NOT have scars and DOESN’T have a known criminal background)." I'll get to the latter half of this waffle in a bit but, for the record.

It is ableist to headcanon disabled "characters" as ace. I elaborated on it outside of the post, here specifically. I didn't call the other headcanons ableist bc it's not, it's in the fucking context lmfao. But here, I'll quote myself(quoting a friend) again:

“what you have to consider in all forms is the historical oppression and persecution of marginalized groups; this happens to be desexualization in case of this specific minority. yes, there is a “sexy cripple” mythos, i forget the word, but in general, borrowing from birdie’s analysis, is about autonomy.

real life people know if they are asexual because they are humans with free choice and thought, but headcanons are informed by the people who make them."

You! Are! Not! Exempt! From! Ableism! Because! You! Do! Charity! Work!

If you can't take criticism, you're also not a very good disability activist? If someone who's disabled (lika myself and the friend I'm quoting) says you're doing shit wrong then you're literally obligated to listen.

Most of this waffle you provided just is a mix of internalized ableism, regular ableism, and tangential points.

(Quick aside before I move on from this section: “I see joe as ace because i headcanon him as an android” is straight up fucking aphobia buddy. I don't even want to talk about the “It’s like saying that all villains cannot be minorities- it’s not homophobic or racist to have a gay or black villain” line because you clearly don't care about historical context anyways. You really wanna pull the race card? On an nbpoc? I can't even speak properly on the issue, why the fuck would you.)

Whatever. Continuing on

The argument on how the minecraft personas are not the person: this one is a fucking nuanced as hell discussion which I did not, do not, and will not ever get into the full semantics of but for consistency sake, I'm erring on the side of it mostly being an extension of the content creator, since you can't ever fully make a persona that doesn't at least partially represent aspects of yourself. Furthermore, I'm going to continue picking on the Scar example here and say that also holds true. The man literally makes wheelchair accessibility jokes in his hermitcraft videos (ie when he bought a chicken from stress and asked where the ramp was, then bringing up ADA compliancy before stress basically talked him up the ladder) but the fact that I have to do a deep dive analysis on some people who just want to have fun playing minecraft together is honestly really, really depressing.

I don't know who said it but forever ago someone once said "the hermits play scenarios, not characters." This is most of the reasoning as to why the end of "story arcs" on the server don't permantenly change the dynamics between the hermits. It's not meant to. This isn't mianite. If you want me to elaborate further, I'm willing to go through this in dms. But I think I've made my post clear.

What's left to cover

Well I think your credibility on this whole scenario is shit anyways considering you were willing to fake permission, your impatience in that regards shines through everything else about your character. You clearly haven't thought too hard about what's actually ableist since on behalf of rhayne you only managed to prove my point more, and the most difficult thing you managed to needle me on is a topic that everyone hates talking about. This whole response is sloppy and absolutely filled with logical fallacies, some which I didn't even bother with due to how little they had to do with the topic at hand.

Congrats, dm me for further conflict, I'm done.

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

Persona 5 Problems: Are the P5MC’s parents good/bad/abusive/grey?

Hoooo boy I dunno if this is happening anywhere besides the confessions blog (btw leave the mods alone, they are good people that have to deal with all of our salty butts) but...... I guess we need to talk about it. I should note this isn’t my own personal “Persona Problem” it’s more of a “Persona Fandom Problem” (which I haven’t done one yet, or at least published....still working on the FeMC one 8U but that’s off topic). 

So if you don’t know things have been getting heated in relation to if P5MC’s parents are good or bad/abusive or grey, and so on. Everyone raises good points tbh! Some.....not so good (on all sides) I should note I’m completely neutral tbh (I prefer a more grey backstory, but I can swing any which way with this interpretation tbh!), as long as the interpretation is well written (by which it addresses some of the grey ares the game left), be it positive or negative, I think it’s fine. So this isn’t someone who is....like....super biased to one side (not that anyone can be unbiased but concerning this topic I’m as close as I’ll ever be to it). 

Anyway what is the answer to this question? Well I have your answer guys! It’s open and to be left up to the interpretation to the player! :D DON’T GO-! ;w; I’ll explain myself under the cut, I figured you’d at least like to know my answer going in. Even if you don’t want to believe it, it’s very much the fact that it’s left up to interpretation due to the sole fact there’s not enough info to go on (even if we nitpick the living shit out of it we don’t know the parents’ motives). Anyway, I found there’s some key info people missed out on (blame Atlus for keeping that tidbit a bonus missable quiz show thing) and also looking into the real life JAPANESE juvenile law (just....cause I’m afraid people are trying to use their own country’s law and try to apply it to Japan, and this required some research, tho I feel like I still have more to learn this is what I could find 8U)

Last thing I should note, a lot of this might come off as “defense for good/neutral” parents, but there’s something you need to remember. WE KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM. Not their personal reasons or mindset as to why the MC was allowed to move to Tokyo. We don’t even know if they do or don’t call him because they are unimportant to the story. Everything is left up to the player’s interpretation, and regardless of what route you wanna take, it will require SOME explanation. Good/neutral parents, you’ll need to explain why they are absent or why they chose what the did during the course of the game, but you don’t really need to explain the MC’s choice to go back to them (cause in his mind they are good). Bad/abusive parents, you won’t need to explain their lack of presence during the game (cause it’s really easy ‘they’re just bad’ see? not a whole lotta thought needed), but you’ll run into some issues as to why the MC returning home is a good ending (so you’ll need to explain that). Grey parents, you have no choice but to explain things for legit everything they do/don’t do in the game. Regardless of what you subscribe to, you’ll need to explain something that isn’t explained in the game....and guess what? Regardless of your explanation....it’s not canon. Because the game itself doesn’t explain it. You can headcanon as much as you want, it’s encouraged, all of them are valid, but unless Atlus remakes the game where they give the parents actual personality/character, nothing will be canon. And that’s ok. You can explore a lot of different things thanks to this, it’s frustrating but you have to take the good with the bad. Now, why am I explaining stuff that is inconsiquential considering nothing is canon (and everything is permitted, ...no AC fans?...ok ;w;) regarding this? Well call me a devil’s advocate, but it also shows how someone can come up with a valid reason rather than ‘just cause.’ Ex: MC’s parents don’t give him any money, what’s their financial standing? Side A: They are well off and are just assholes who don’t want to help him. Side B: They aren’t well off, I have no reason just....because. Not the best comeback right? Well what if we changed Side B’s answer to: They aren’t well off, because he’s going to a private school in the city and that might be siphoning more of their money than they originally were doing before and thus might be struggling. Gives more weight to Side B no? Both interpretations are valid, because we don’t know the MC’s parent’s financial situations of course (please remember we know nothing as I bring up things people may have missed/overlooked/didn’t know), but Side B now doesn’t sound like it’s just saying stuff ‘just cause.’ 

Anyway, all that preface out of the way, actual analysis under the cut: 

So.....let’s start off with analyzing what we do know about the game! P5MC’s court case went by faster than an episode of Law and Order (very unusual, I think even mentioned by the game, so some of the “hmm but couldn’t they have done had the MC be in a different school in his hometown under probation” is just game going to game so we won’t worry about that too much, his sentence was to Tokyo so that’s what we are going with! tho tbh the game does kinda handwave a little explanation as to why he’s in Tokyo, Principal literally says they are the only one who would take him....and well rather that’s realistic or not game gonna game so yeah moving on 8U) 

We know the MC’s parents sent him to Sojiro. We know Sojiro is a probation officer (something I noticed people seem to forget in the confessions). MC was sentenced to live in Tokyo via the courts orders, the parent’s agreed, and the parents made arrangements to stay with Sojiro due to a connection with a shared friend of their’s (also probably cause he’s also a gd probation officer but that’s not stated as a reason, just want to make sure you are aware Sojiro is a probation officer). MC is accepted to the only school (in Tokyo, or maybe the country not specified) that will take him, and will presumably be able to integrated in the school due to no one knowing about his criminal record (aka he gets a clean slate). During this time Sojiro state’s to briefing the player on the MC’s situation "*laughs (I think only in the JP ver)* In other words, they got rid of you for being a pain in the ass" (there’s a few things about this line I can mean a lot of things and I’ll get into it later). He says if MC causes any trouble he’ll throw him out......And then later saying if he problems he’ll be sent to juvie (wait....so doesn’t that mean he’ll just send him to Juvie? Not on the street? Sojiro you make no sense....just gonna bring it up here, ‘throw you out’ seems more in line with Sojiro being ‘tough love’ than actually threatening while the juvie is a legit warning to the MC, only way I can reconcile why he’s saying that, esp since he’s a lot more serious voice acting wise when talking about juvie and the two times he uses ‘throw out’ in the first two days he’s a lot lighter/flabbergasted/not as serious sounding, just a thing to note). The next day the principal states that if he’s kicked out, he’d have nowhere to go. Sojiro also states the reason he took the MC in was for money (as well as being asked and accepting, but keep in mind with the money, he kind of slides that in at a last second, this is key). 

So yeah it seems that the parents might have had to dump him there and might not be happy with him......Key words: “might” and “it seems.”

Here’s a few things the game.....doesn’t make clear, Sojiro’s attitude during this time as well as some key info you’d miss unless you’d look into it.

Let’s start with Sojiro’s attitude, he’s def taking the “tough love” approach to the MC (I think a lot of people can agree he’s being a hardass cause that’s what he thinks the MC needs right now...dunno why but yeah), and he’s also lying to the MC on at least one thing. Wait what? Lying? About what? The money. Surprised? I know this info isn’t mandatory in the story, it’s easily missable! Anyway, it’s very likely Sojiro isn’t getting paid (and this can both hurt and support the parents so don’t think this is an execution for the parents), and so he just lied to the MC. If you don’t believe me, here’s the game stating that probation officers (and with Mona’s commentary, including Sojiro) don’t get paid.  So....why lie? Well again he’s taking the tough love approach, and he’s def faltering on the 2nd day, and the way he stumbles to answer the MC and adding the money at the end might show him trying to keep up with the tough love act by showing he’s only in it for the money even if he isn’t (and thus lying). He could also be lying about the pain in the ass thing too, either cause he’s already lying about one thing so what’s stopping him from lying about another thing, or the fact that that in the original Japanese, he laughs when he says the MC was kicked out for being a pain in the ass (as well as his portrait changing to the smiling one)....meaning he’s either lying or just joking (not the best time to make a joke like that Sojiro 8U). All that being said, his words do not imply the parents said that, it could be all Sojiro. So saying “he got it from the parents” isn’t supported, not saying it’s false or you can headcanon it, but the text does not support the parents said that to Sojiro. So you can’t outright claim that as fact. I’m not saying the parents didn’t say it, but there’s nothing proving that they did nor didn’t.

“Ok but why dump the MC with Sojiro? He’s just some rando right? A STRANGER! THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM HE COULD BE A SERIAL KILLER-!” Ok let’s take a breath guys, yes Sojiro is only a friend of a friend but.....keep in mind....he’s a probation officer (hogoshi/保護司 specifically, ref original dialogue in this jp walkthrough/guide here) He’s not just “some rando” it’s his (volunteer) job (nonetheless it’s still a job) to look after kids like the MC. And not just any old job, the dude has to go through training for 2 years on top of having to take a test that’s looked over by the Japanese Supreme court it’s not something just ANYONE can be (source, pg 8, but also the wikipedia pages have shown this as well) Like 1) he’s qualified to take care of him, 2) MC needs an officer (or at least he’s getting one whether he wants one or not) tbh it’s kind of the thing I’ve found by via reading, 3) it really helps that he’s a friend of a friend that can vouch for him AND he’s an officer. There’s really nothing wrong sending the MC to Sojiro if he’s destined to go to Tokyo, Sojiro is literally better than sending him to a legit “some rando.” (I should note, while I can’t find the exact website that stated it, this one does also mention that there aren’t really enough probation officers atm, I dunno just something I came across so like that fact could’ve also played a role in the MC moving in with Sojiro due to not having a closer officer nearby but I dunno) (edit: also remember when I brought up the tough love thing in regards to throwing the MC out up top? I stated that because throwing him out would be.....well.....against his job, and unless he’s throwing him out to sending him to juvie, it would be....kind of unethical on his part to throw the MC out on the street and counterintuitive to rehabilitation that Japan really emphasizes).

But why send him to Tokyo? Well remember the court ruled it, I guess the ruling said “go to Tokyo” (probably cause there was a school and a probation officer that would make that possible). Sure his parents agreed, but can you really say no to a ruling? I guess you can, but let’s look at what they were probably facing. The courts probably ruled that they send him to Tokyo or to Juvie. Tokyo is def the better option (at least he’s not in basically jail, and Japanese juvie isn’t something to laugh at) so I can see why they’d say yes (Tokyo means he gets schooling and a clean slate and not in jail, and juvie means he’s in kid jail and....hooo boy not good and can screw him for a number of reasons). Or they could’ve appealed to the court instead.....except that Japan isn’t really.....all that great when it comes to appealing stuff, there’s also the fact the only school “nearby” that would/could take him was Syujin. As again, stated by the Principal that he’d have nowhere to go if kicked out of Syujin:

And considering how long the appeal process would be (like years), on top of the fact it would probably be fruitless due to how Japan is with this type of stuff (guilty until proven innocent), MC would miss out on an education. Which would be VERY BAD. So the parents probably were like, “Ok, clean slate in Tokyo, still gets to go to school and get an education, guardian seems good, and it’s only for one year.” It should be noted this was all done in a short amount of time (even mentioned in that very scene with the principal if you wanna cross reference). Regardless if they like their son or not at this point, this reasoning makes sense. They made lemons out of lemonade.

“Ok but why didn’t they contact him?” What makes you say that? It could happen off screen. “But that’s just such a bs explanation.” Yeah but they aren’t exactly super important to the story, no one really complained about the P4 MC’s parents doing that (I mean he has similar hc about neglectful parents, but not everyone subscribes to that), so does it matter? But....consider this, what if they COULDN’T call/contact him? By which I mean they legally couldn’t. This thought crossed my mind when reading about probation officers in the beginning pages of this pdf file. While it seems the probation officers will be in contact during an investigation period for a trial, we know the MC’s trial was very unique so they might’ve skipped/fast forward through it. But one of the things they do is investigate the home life situation. So consider this, what if the parents....were deemed the reason the MC got into that situation. I’m not saying they are violent, but maybe the MC got his mentality from his parents (aka, save the weak, or maybe a parent was an activist or an ex-delinquent but was a great parent) and the courts deemed that could’ve been why he got into trouble. Because from my research, Japan is about rehabilitating the youth/criminals. They want to find the source, and change it. If the courts decided he needed to get far from home and have limited contact with his family, that could be why. Not saying it is what happened, not saying it isn’t what happened. Not saying they didn’t call him, not saying they did call him. Again, this is grey area and open for interpretation. This is something that COULD happen irl, but I’m not saying it did happen in P5 (it could, you can headcanon it, there’s open room for it, but it’s a headcanon, not actual canon, and there’s not really anything that could....well.....oppose it but there’s nothing that outright supports it..... Again this thing is all grey and open 8U)

There is something else that had me wondering about something not explained in the game. It’s about the type of school the MC was going to.....and how much it costs. Because, in Japan you need to pay tuition to go to school! This is something I know from just....consuming media, it comes up, and after researching that’s kind of the norm. Why bring this up? Well...it’s because I want to explore the possibility of the MC’s financial situation (which, money is a whole freaking mess in P5, but one thing at a time). Anyway first we need to know what school the MC is going to. The Megaten Wiki (always take with a grain of salt keep in mind) states that it’s an “elite prep school.” Ok, well does that mean it’s a private school? Yes actually! It’s not going to outright say it in the speech bubble but the game does have a banner saying it:

Hidden but I found it gosh darn it! >:D As you can see, I was also researching what the tuition differences between public and private are....and well...it’s pretty big. There’s a few articles (here’s just one, mentions how lower income people can still attend, aka Ryuji and his Single mom....btw single moms are probably one of the poorest groups in Japan, also here’s another source) but it can double to quadruple depending on where you go. So if you want to go the “why aren’t they giving the MC more money” this might be why, because they are paying for the MC’s education. And/or maybe they are just paying Sojiro directly (we dunno if he’s telling the truth about that or not). Or MAYBE the parents aren’t exactly well off and are just trying their best. (of course maybe they just don’t give a shit and are footing the whole bill onto Sojiro, again we don’t know, there’s not enough info given about them or the financial situation, so....it shouldn’t be debated 8U).

“Ok but why aren’t they feeding the MC/taking care of him?” Why them? Right now it’s not their job, it’s Sojiro’s. It annoys me that no one blames Sojiro even tho THAT’S HIS JOB right now. “Sending only a small box of his stuff?” Can explain it as basic necessities, Japan tends to have small living spaces regardless so it could be just what the MC needs. “But can you argue that?” Yeah you can, but you can also argue that it’s not enough....but it’ll get us nowhere because there’s not enough info (which is pretty much this whole issue but yet here we are). (btw this is connected to another issue with how Persona, but specifically P5, handle money in the main story....which is poorly, esp since they are thieves and are earning money just.....sigh....that’s a separate issue but throwing that out there). Basically, anything aimed at the MC’s shitty living situation or poor health while in Tokyo can easily be pointed at Sojiro, because he is neglecting his duties to take care of the MC while he is in his ward. It’s not 100% the parents fault for not knowing Sojiro isn’t as great as they thought (it’s like thinking blaming them for sending MC to Kamo’s school, they didn’t know Kamo was a shit bag, maybe they didn’t even know who Kamo was or that he’s at the MC’s school, you can’t blame people who go info that this person is great and then they turn out that they aren’t behind closed doors). THAT BEING SAID, I’m not saying Sojiro is a shitbag or bad (if he is doing a bad job, it’s not the parents’ fault for like....believing the guy will do his job, it’s like expecting someone not to trust a doctor to do his job, but yeah I just want to specify when I said above “not their fault for not know Sojiro is doing a bad job” is for argument’s sake I don’t think Sojiro is), but if we ARE going to complain about the MC’s living situation....well....he’s the one to point fingers at. And are we going to complain that Sojiro doesn’t feed him? Actually I see that’s probably the next natural step as the next discourse, “He feeds the MC breakfast so we can assume he feeds him every day!” “Well Mona states the MC doesn’t eat well enough, so maybe Sojiro isn’t really doing that!” I personally think Sojiro feeds him, the game is just dumb with out it handles money and that’s a different argument for later, also please don’t make this the next discourse. 8U

So what have we learned from this? That the situation isn’t completely black and white, and that there’s not enough info from the parents to go on to be able to characterize them.

Basically you can have abusive/neglectful parents who are making Sojiro pay for everything and basically wanted to get rid of their kid ASAP. And only take him back because it’s proven he was innocent (I mean.....the game is a little weird and he basically got out by turning himself in as the leader as the PT but sure whatever game). 

Or you can have parents who are trying their best in a shitty situation (choosing the best option for him, while possibly being forbidden to contact him via the court), paying for his school (which either hurts them cause they are poor, or just because there’s just because school is so expensive) and assuming Sojiro is doing his job taking care of their kid. 

Either’s fine, as long as the grey area is explained it’s fine.

“But what about the roadtrip?!” Oh for the love of. Ok 1) Sojiro might’ve informed his parents (depends on if he was lying about not knowing where Futaba/Mona were at the beginning), 2) It’s probably not a roadtrip but a detour which isn’t a shocking thing by any account (reasons being a) Futaba didn’t tell Sojiro where she was going so she’d need to return at some point that day or else HE’LL be worried and are you going to argue Sojiro doesn’t care about Futaba too?, b) no one seems to be packed for anything longer than a day away from home), 3) and/or they could’ve texted them that he was going to be home a little late. 

Like train is def faster than car in Japan, but like......stopping to look at the ocean (or just drive by, or just taking the MC the long way home to spend a little more time with him).  It’s not anything scary, he’s getting to his destination. “But Ryuji said he wasn’t taking him straight home!” doesn’t mean it’s a roadtrip. Like calm down y’all. 

Also one last note, cause I feel like some people might bring it up, the anime, mangas, drama cds (at least P5′s atm), and anthologies aren’t outright canon, by canon I mean “the game is the main canon, everything else is just an outside interpretation.” In case people want to bring up P5′s one anthology chapter (that Saito made btw) where P5MC hints that the adults in his life didn’t believe him, or the P4 manga which actually goes into Souji’s backstory. Yeah those aren’t canon to the games. So don’t go using it as facts to back up your argument. Just....a warning. 

So yeah, tldr; everything is grey, it’s up to you! Don’t go around claiming your headcanon as canon, but your headcanon is valid! Also do go around shitting on other’s for having a different headcanon (esp if they aren’t going around claiming it as canon). And btw not saying I’m fool proof, if you guys have researched JJL and find something new that I missed, or just another side of the argument I didn’t address you can point it out and I’ll add it below this point! 

[monotype-on-phantom]

Another Analysis of Danny? Yeah, I Guess So.

Not too long ago, I stated that I headcanon the entire Fenton family as neurodivergent. This led to quite a bit of discussion, and eventually I said that I specifically think Danny has clinical depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorder.

I didn’t really go into more detail, because while those are all things I myself suffer from, I want to tread carefully when talking about things like this. The last thing I’d want to do is accidentally say something hurtful.

However, multiple followers expressed interest in me going into more detail about why I have these headcanons. Since these are all things I actually struggle with, they reasoned that my personal experience would help me address this with tact.

So, alright. I’m giving in.

As a disclaimer, I’m not a psychologist and I don’t have a ton of knowledge about psychology. I’m just a dude who likes seeing himself in characters he relates to. This is going to be more based on my own personal experience than anything else.

Now that you know all that, let’s finally get into it.

To keep things organized, I’ll just go through each one individually. A lot of symptoms of these mental illnesses can overlap, so this will keep things from getting messy.

Since the depression was the first one I picked up on, let’s start with that.

Clinical Depression

My Brother’s Keeper is a good one to address this. Granted, Spectra’s MO is making people feel miserable, but she does that by picking at struggles the kids are already dealing with, not by necessarily causing those struggles (though she’s willing to do that, too).

I’ve heard depression described by others who have it as “the emotional equivalent of watching paint dry,” and I don’t think there’s a better description for it in the world.

Depression is way more than just being sad all the time. More often than not, I find it’s just a feeling of emptiness and hopelessness. When I’m in a bad depressive episode, I just stop feeling like things matter. Everything sucks and it’s not getting better, so what’s the point in trying?

Danny shows a lot of the symptoms that come with this feeling of hopelessness. He doesn’t eat or sleep very well. His energy levels are usually very low. He doesn’t have as much motivation to do things that he enjoys. He fixates on his failures and past mistakes and blames himself for most things that go wrong in his life. He has a harder time focusing on things, particularly in class. He can be forgetful and not notice details that might seem obvious.

A lot of these things are caused by his ghost hunting, but since Danny has made it clear that he doesn’t enjoy it, and every time he tries to take some time to himself it backfires, it makes perfect sense for him to feel trapped and hopeless.

Ghost fighting is one of the causes for his depression, not a replacement for it.

I’ve also mentioned that Danny is a really angry child, and anger can be a symptom of depression. When you’re feeling down all the time, you can become more irritable. Things bother you more. You lash out more. Even small things can get to you.

My Brother’s Keeper is, again, a good example of this. Danny’s lashing out at Jazz a lot, and even his friends notice that he’s taking things more seriously than usual. This is far from being exclusive to this episode, though. The Fright Before Christmas and Life Lessons both show Danny being irritable and frustrated, even though he usually still means well enough.

Danny even lashes out at Dash sometimes, someone that he’s afraid of, because he’s just too tired to deal with his crap.

Danny’s irritability was actually one of the biggest clues for me that he has depression, coupled with his tendency to degrade or blame himself.

As someone who deals with this, let me tell you, depression is exhausting. Even though I’m usually not doing much, the empty feeling alone zaps me of my energy. A lot of the time, I just want to sleep through my days and not bother with anything. I’m not allowed to, though, so I can get irritable.

Even if you don’t have depression, you’re probably familiar with this feeling. When you’re kept up late at night or you’ve had a rough day at work, you’ll feel exhausted, and that results in you getting annoyed more easily. Small things like people leaving the toilet seat up or the kids being noisy or people repeatedly knocking on the door will drive you crazy, when they’re usually not that big of a deal. You’re tired, and you don’t want to deal with even these small annoyances. You just want to be left alone.

It’s worth noting that Tucker, Sam, and Jazz don’t have these struggles, despite also being moody teens with a lot of pressure on them. They have bad days, but they’re usually more chipper than Danny (yes, even Sam.)

To me, Danny is a textbook example of a depressed teen. It’s not even a question. This kid needs to talk to someone. Unfortunately, he’s not looking to do that any time soon.

Anxiety

There are a huge number of anxiety disorders, and I’m still not the best at differentiating between them. I don’t often feel the need to pinpoint exactly what’s causing the anxiety. For me, it’s just when certain things happen (or don’t), the warning bells start ringing in my head and I struggle to focus on anything else. In a lot of ways, it’s like hearing that music in a horror movie right before something scary happens, except nothing ever happens. The music just keeps playing, making you feel more and more worried about what’s coming next.

The anxiety disorders I’m the most familiar with (meaning the ones I struggle with the most) are social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and panic disorder. I don’t feel like I need to cover the first one much, though, because despite being shy and self-conscious, Danny doesn’t really panic when he has to be in social situations. He can be awkward, but he can brush off embarrassment easily enough and he doesn’t have an issue with badmouthing people he dislikes to their faces. These are all things I’d die before doing.

The fact that he can stomach social situations alright doesn’t prevent him from worrying about every other thing that could possibly go wrong, though.

While not as common as Angry Danny, Panic Mode Danny shows up with some regularity.

Public Enemies (and TFM, though I don’t wanna rely on that example) is a good episode to demonstrate this.

The town’s on high alert and ghosts are everywhere, but just about everyone is handling the situation better than Danny. His paranoia is warranted, but he can’t bring himself to focus on anything except for what could go wrong. He overthinks all the details and worries excessively about all of them.

Danny’s parents are at his school. Ghosts keep showing up at the worst times. Danny doesn’t even know that Walker’s behind everything or what he’s up to, but he’s not in the right state of mind to think about that. This isn’t Detective Danny Time, this is Worry Time. And it prevents him from being as productive as he could be.

One of A Kind is another good example, where Danny’s so worried about Skulker that he can’t even eat, though Sam and Tucker are trying to encourage him to. It’s not like the eating itself is dangerous (as far as he knows), but he’s too busy worrying to even think about eating.

He’ll also worry about things that wouldn’t actually turn out as bad as he thinks. He fears his parents dissecting him if they find out his secret, or Valerie not liking him if she finds out, or Vlad being behind every bad thing that happens, even when he’s actually not.

It’s not as pronounced as his depression, but when Danny worries, he worries hard and can even get extremely paranoid. It even starts getting so bad that Danny himself starts questioning if he’s hallucinating in The Fenton Menace, because his constant worrying and paranoia fit that explanation. (And that’s the last time I’m referencing that episode in here. Bleh.)

There’s another disorder that’s classified as a type of anxiety, though, and I don’t think there’s any point in arguing that Danny has that.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

This one’s far less about Danny showing symptoms (though there’s that, too), and more about the fact that no child who goes through the stuff he does would not have PTSD.

The symptoms of PTSD overlap a lot with depression and other anxiety disorders. Things like guilt, negative thoughts, feeling on edge, constantly looking out for danger, and struggling to feel happy or even to trust others are a few symptoms that can overlap with depression and anxiety. The difference is that, with PTSD, these things are triggered by a specific, traumatic event. And that’s where most of my focus is.

Danny’s been shot at by his own parents, hunted, tortured, brainwashed, threatened with experiments and even actually been experimented on (counting the cloning experiments), almost died several times, listened to his parents talk about wanting to dissect him, watched loved ones die (even if they ended up being alright), and that’s not even mentioning some of the other stuff Vlad puts him through or the fact that he was ruthlessly bullied long before any of this happened.

For me, it’s less a matter of if Danny was negatively impacted by all of this and more a matter of how in the world could he not be?

As previously mentioned, a lot of his anxiety and depression is the result of his ghost fighting. He’s paranoid about danger showing up at any time. He’s always trying to stay alert. He barely sleeps or eats. He blames himself when things go wrong. He doesn’t even trust his parents anymore, eventually believing that, if they found out he was half ghost, they’d dissect him without hesitation.

Heck, even the accident that gave him his ghost powers seems to have had a huge effect on him. He’s questioning his own humanity, he’s understandably afraid around a lot of his parents’ technology, he’s paranoid about being found out and not being accepted.

Personally, though,  I feel the show should’ve shown more effects. There’s no way he doesn’t have a fear of mental health specialists after what happened with Spectra. Is there anyone who thinks he wouldn’t have nightmares about things that happened in The Ultimate Enemy, Kindred Spirits, and D-Stabilized? How much does he remember from Control Freaks, and how often does he think about it? How much more does he let himself get hurt because he’s terrified of turning into Dan?

In a better show, this stuff would’ve been explored more thoroughly, but as it is, I don’t think there’s any denying that this kid’s been traumatized. Hopefully Jazz can get her psychology degree quickly, because she’s probably the only psychologist Danny would trust, and he needs to talk to one.

And I think that covers things well enough. I did also mention that I think the Fentons all show symptoms of ADHD, but that’s another can of worms entirely. Besides, this post is long enough as it is. I’m pretty sure I’ve been working on this for over two hours straight. I’ll just leave things here for now, and maybe I’ll touch on the ADHD in the future (if people are interested).

Thank you for your patience, everyone! And now I can move on to other things that people may or may not have been waiting for since this blog began.

[orionsangel86]

12x11 Episode Review - What a Ride That Was!

Having just completed my second watch of this episode I have to say I am slightly stunned. I guess the best way to put it is ‘not what I expected’. But then what did I really expect? I was expecting pain, heartbreak, drama, interspersed with some humour and a big “no homo” scene to counteract last episode. I was expecting some dudebro Dean to appease certain types of viewer, along with a nice helping of deep subtext into Dean analysis for us to eat up that would go straight over that type of viewers head. I was certainly not expecting… Larry.

I haven’t looked at tumblr yet, except to glance at my askbox. I assume that you are all suitably going mad over Larry. Over the implications of Larry. Over the sheer insanity of the episodes biggest innuendo fuelled moments and probably laughing about it. I expect a hundred gifsets. I want to reblog those gifsets. I am also sure that Larry has already been meta’d to death… But what’s the harm in a little more meta to add to the massive pile gonna do? Because I wanna meta the FUCK out of Larry.

But there is a lot more to this episode than just Larry. We did get heartbreak. We did get drama and we did get some really nice character moments. Rowena particularly was amazing this episode (who am I kidding though she is always amazing) and I loved learning more about her thoughts. Overall I think it was entertaining, though not one of the best episodes, but that could be because the writing was a bit sloppy and sometimes the story didn’t make sense. I’ll get to why in a bit. Let’s just say that Meredith Glynn isn’t my favourite of the new writers by any means. I didn’t even review The One You’ve Been Waiting For because I didn’t feel particularly inspired by it at all.

But having said that she gave us Larry, and for that I will forever be thankful… even if she didn’t intend for us to take it the way I have (and I am guessing most of you reading this have too).

Anyway, main points to take away under the cut:

Regarding Dean

Obviously the main point of the episode was to delve a little further into Dean’s head and explore a very unconventional and unexpected fear. The fear of losing ones memory is actually horrifying. It is even more horrifying because this is something that the majority of us will have had at least some experience being first hand witnesses to. I am of course talking about dementia and Alzheimer’s disease. My grandmother had it, and in the later days when she didn’t even know who we were it was completely heart breaking. The fact that this is something that many of us fear as we get older is something that certainly wouldn’t be lost on the creators of this show, and with many many references in the later seasons to Dean’s getting older (including one in this episode) it is quite a fitting topic to explore. What if he doesn’t go out with a ‘bang’ the Hunter way? What if they do both end up in the Lebanon retirement home where Mildred currently hangs out enjoying sunsets? What if Alzheimer’s becomes an actual legitimate fear for them? This is most definitely the episode that Jensen talked about at a recent con that explores a very big fear. Because this fear is huge and very prevalent in society. It also makes me think of the film The Notebook and how that story deals with a loved one having to watch the person they care about most in the world forget all about them. (FYI I have never been able to sit all the way through that film without crying even though I usually despise sappy love stories).

Dean’s whole existence in this show revolves around his love for his family. The found family that he keeps close by that is. Sam and Cas and now Mary are his world, losing that would utterly destroy Dean. It is why that scene in front of the mirror is so so heartbreaking to watch. Next to Larry, it is the most memorable moment. Though I do think that the deeper themes and meanings to this particular MOTW story were a bit lost in all of the lighter humour. Hence why I said I wasn’t a huge fan of the writing. It could have gone deeper, it didn’t quite reach the impact that Yellow Fever had even though it tried very hard to pay homage to it.

Starting at the beginning then, Dean wakes up after being wammied by some mysterious witchy guy with a bunny rabbit by his side. I don’t get the point of the rabbit at all. I’ll be honest. It was completely non relevant to the plot. I thought at first that maybe the witch had turned himself into a rabbit but it was literally there for us to all “aww” over. For that reason though, have a pic:

Awwwwwwwwwwwww so CUTE!

It was interesting that this scene came so shortly after the “then” sequence which included a young and much less gruff voiced Dean saying ““Why does a rabbit always get screwed in the deal? Poor little guy”. Have we had many other rabbit references in this show? I don’t think so… except maybe Bugs Bunny in Hunteri Heroici which immediately brings Cas to mind “So we are dealing with some insect-rabbit hybrid?” Though this episode does also feature a character happily watching cartoons so maybe the connection there is totally valid. Rabbits are also a symbol of fertility, spring, new birth and most obviously sex. In an episode absolutely chocablock with innuendo. That is also an interesting point. Though I have no idea how to connect it to anything else so I am just throwing all this stuff out there for you guys to pick at. By all means tell me if you have any ideas!

Dean losing his means of communication means reaching out to people in other ways… A lady with a pram comes by and rejects him as a bum. Gives him money instead of even trying to listen. A guy comes along with a dog (our famous white dog whose name I can’t remember) and gives Dean his attention… before doing some stretches, jogging on the spot and wiggling his hips. (I found this guys movement kinda um… suggestive when considered in the context of the rest of this fucking episode). Without going into too much detail here, I just thought I’d point out that Dean is rejected by the woman and child (traditional family) but accepted by the guy with the dog. Because of course he fucking is.

The waffle house brings us our first promo scene, but knowing the context now makes it so much clearer. I was guilty of making assumptions. Just like Sam does. Thinking that Dean went out, got drunk, had a one night stand… he did no such thing. The promo mislead us and I think it did so deliberately. It is getting clearer and clearer all the time that that version of Dean that Rowena so kindly spells out later in the episode “manners of a Neanderthal and the dining habits of a toddler” the “season 1” version of Dean, if you like, just isn’t the guy we see on our screen anymore. We aren’t getting these moments anymore. Have we even seen the Asian porn yet this season? Personally I hope it never makes another appearance.

Sam’s comment “Dean, you’ve had a good run, but maybe lets pump the breaks a little bit I mean you’re not 20 anymore…” is pretty much what I was thinking the whole promo. The waitress is far too young for him, that kind of behaviour fooling around in bars just isn’t really any kind of behaviour for a man his age, and in an episode with a heavy underlying theme that could easily be compared to the worst potential problems that come with growing older I don’t think it was accidental.

“I would be dead okay, I wouldn’t be Dory.”

“Dory?”

“Not gonna apologise for loving that fish. Not to you, not to anyone”.

I love that we have yet another thing to add to the list of things that Dean Winchester loves that don’t fit in with his macho image. This is wonderful. Dean likes Disney films. This is canon. If he can admit to loving that fish, this means that at times he will go out and watch Disney films and get excited about them and actually have strong feelings about them. Now I am totally headcanoning that he forces Cas to watch them with him and I BET that Cas’s favourites are The Little Mermaid and Beauty and the Beast. Why I hear you ask? Because they would resonate with him. If you don’t get it, rewatch those movies from a destiel perspective.

“smooth like a Ken doll” This is the second time the show has compared Dean to a Ken doll. Probably just a tease at Jensen Ackles very perfect features, but I keep thinking about Ken from Toy Story 3 and after the Finding Nemo/Dory reference a moment ago I think it is valid. Ken in Toy Story 3 had a very... um... loud personality.

The cowboy bar… How do I even BEGIN to meta the cowboy bar? All I can say was this seems like the kind of place that Gabriel would send Dean in fanfiction to work on his gay panic before ultimately hooking up with Castiel.

The third place they come to (and I’ll talk about Sam’s lack of Dean knowledge a bit later) and the first thing we see is a shot of:

Well that’s a rather large phallic object hanging over the Winchesters heads! Yeah this is totally Dean’s kind of place. He does have a cowboy fetish after all. This sign also caught my eye:

Because Chuck is certainly off having some “R&R” right now with his sis… It also seems to be the kind of place that Chuck would have hung out in his stint living on earth… ya know, playing his music, since there is clearly a stage set up with band equipment, picking up girls… and guys. Like we are ever gonna forget that GOD in the Supernatural universe is bisexual.

Lets talk about Larry

Consider this a sub point to my “regarding Dean” point because it all technically falls under the same category.

“he’d ordered burgers to go, it was gonna be a minute, we were slammed, then you knocked back four shots of tequila? Put some “sick jams” on the juke and then you hit the bull.”

“oh yeah, you had the hots for larry as soon as you walked in”.

Now, there is innuendo, and then there is this line. Why give the mechanical bull a guys name? Specifically so you can make this into one big innuendo. This entire scene is about Dean riding dick. I’m sorry, deny it all you like but that’s the joke. That’s the bottom line (pun unintentional until reread then found hilarious). On checking my ask box yesterday once I first watched the episode this is what I got:

Thanks guys by the way for sending these. I am with you. Consider this review your asks answered if that’s okay (I’m being lazy because I still have a load of asks to answer and I have no idea when I’ll get to em). So Dean rode Larry. Haha. It gets brought up again later in the episode by Sam when he is trying to tease Dean about it. What I am interested in is Dean’s reaction. When Sam first asks “You rode Larry?” Dean hesitates, but he isn’t embarrassed. Yeah he’s still hexed at this point and regressing but he doesn’t get defensive about it. Just asks if he was good. This is then revisited later on once Dean is cured “I can’t believe you rode Larry” and Dean’s only defence is “I was awesome on that Bull… like a God.” Which is also a call back to Chuck again, in the bar that had a Chuck sign and really did seem to be Chuck’s kind of place… Is Dean like God? Well yes. For one thing they are both bisexual.

Perhaps mechanical bullriding isn’t seen as homoerotic in the kind of places where you would actually get mechanical bullriding. It could even be considered as a very macho thing to be able to “tame the bull”. But the way the episode frames it… the way they shove the innuendo at us over and over again. It is intentionally played out to be a gay joke. What I can’t decide is whether or not this is the creators joking along with us or whether they are doing it to take the piss. There is a level of regression here back to the pre carver era spn where the gay jokes were rife and not ever really taken seriously. Dean’s subtextual bisexuality used to be a joke in the show. It hasn’t been framed as a joke since pre season 8 and yet I can’t help but wonder if this new writer hasn’t yet got with the programme. Because Dean’s bisexuality is not a joke. Especially when this episode is framed by two very Cas heavy episodes, the first of which was loaded with destiel subtext that was deep, meaningful and very very serious. Looking at the promo for next episode, I have a feeling that we are only going to get more of that. So why sandwich a Dean episode full of gay jokes in between two Cas episodes full of serious destiel heavy storyline? If their intention was to make it into a joke again, they have failed. Because when taken with 12x10, the humour is stripped away and what is left is the viewer wondering whether Dean really does have a hankering for dick? Specifically Castiel’s. I know that my language here is very blunt. I also know that the chances are this review could find its way to some antis who would like to take the piss out of this… but seriously? Go ahead. Try. With the show playing up to the things we like, and with very little “no homo” moments to counteract it, I don’t see how you can view this any other way than the way we do.

Dean left Sam, went to this specific bar, had some Dutch courage and rode the bull. He also flirted with a waitress but that never went very far. His main concern was how good he was with Larry…How good his riding skills were… and spoiler alert… he was awesome.

(yes nonny - Dean could totally ride dick like a porn star. This is now true. Since we have seen him in action with our own eyes. Its not like most of those ‘Larry riding’ shots at the end even had the bull in them. It was all Dean from the waist up just having the time of his life and going up and down... up and down... like this wasn’t subtle. This totally wasn’t subtle.)

I also need to point out that all this happened before Dean got hexed. This was all Dean Winchester. This wasn’t performing Dean. The Dean who puts on a mask which half the time seems to be specifically for Sam. Nope. This was Dean as himself, the same Dean that owns booty shorts, likes ballet and has a thing for Dr Sexy.

The moment that the waitress says “you were…amazing” can be taken as the “no homo” to the Larry narrative of course. The way she says those words can easily be taken to be a comment on Dean’s sexual prowess. But its only there to cover up the underlining sexual nod to Dean’s “amazing” ability to ride the bull. The bull being called ‘Larry’ and therefore along with all the other phallic references this is, as I said previously, all one big “Dean rides dick” joke. And I can’t actually fucking believe the show did that.

Actually that’s a lie. I fucking well can. They have been flirting with this idea of Cas being a top and Dean being a bottom for AGES but THIS takes the biscuit.

So Dean rides dick. Thanks for confirming bottom!Dean show. Great job.

I wonder if even this went over poor ‘innocent’ Jensen Ackles head�� Is he Charlton Heston? REALLY? Or is he 100% on board with this because how can you possibly act this out. INCLUDING THAT RIDICULOUS MONTAGE AT THE END and NOT see it? You do realise how fandom is gonna take this Jensen? You do realise this will probably DOUBLE the number of destiel fics where Dean is happily riding Cas’s dick all night long?!? (as a disclaimer here that is not what destiel fic is all about but there is still a lot of smut out there so I feel like the show is only encouraging this) (on the other hand I expect to find 20 12x11 coda’s on my dash where Dean goes home, finds Cas, tells him about Larry and how he wants to “show Cas his skills” *nudge nudge wink wink* and Cas will be like “oh. yes please!” and yeah... that happens. That totally happens.)

The other takeaway from this scene so loaded with meta potential is the waitress’s explanation of what happened. Because it seems weird and makes no sense. The question I’m sure a lot of people will be asking is Did Dean sleep with the waitress? But when you consider her explanation of what happened, how could he possibly have?

Ooh I actually got an ask about this too:

She said they were slammed, Dean had to wait for his burgers, hence he had time for 4 shots of tequila and a ride with Larry. So how did they get talking and “blew off some steam”? Because she didn’t even see him leave, it was her bartender that saw him run out of there like his pants caught fire (liar liar)

Is that the hint? Liar liar pants on fire? Was she lying about fooling around with Dean? If so why did she slap him earlier? She must have been insulted that he didn’t remember her and didn’t meet up with her later but it still doesn’t make any sense. How did she have time to fool around with Dean somewhere if they were slammed? If the place was slammed they surely wouldn’t have been able to find a quiet space to actually do the fooling around either? This whole thing smells like a lie and when you consider Dean’s later line “first action in I don’t know how long and its like it never even happened” seems to me that the writer wanted us to consider that maybe all is not a it seems. The only action Dean got in that cowboy bar was from Larry.

Consider another ask answered! Dean did not have sex with the waitress! They possibly squeezed in a kiss when she was on break but there is no way they had time to properly fool around.

Another thing I liked about this scene was the way the waitress then apologises for possibly taking advantage of Dean when he was “roofied”. After the mess and drama of the Amara stuff last season this is refreshing. Dean gets an apology for being sexually harassed, which from a meta perspective could also be the writer apologising for the Amara situation. I dunno if that’s really the case but I like the idea of it so I’m sticking with it.

Back to Regarding Dean

Once the Winchesters start tracing Dean’s steps into the forest Dean loses more memory. We have another call back to season 4 and Yellow Fever with the flashlight moment and Sam has to remind Dean what they do since he has now forgotten all about witches and monsters. The difference between his reaction to being a monster hunter here and in yellow fever is huge though. In yellow fever he thought they were both insane, horrified at the thought of actively going after these dangerous supernatural beings. In Regarding Dean he is excited about the idea, finds it awesome and calls them both “heroes”. It’s nice to know that without his memories of the horrible things they’ve done Dean is able to accept that he does something good and is able to be happy about that.

Another call back to season 4 with the mention of the Siren “Siren’s aren’t all hot chicks?” Nope. Sorry Dean some of them are hot guys who are totally your type. To bring up the Siren (an episode absolutely full of homoerotic subtext) in this episode (an episode absolutely full of homoerotic subtext) seems like another subtle nod to Dean’s bisexuality. Like a ‘hello! Remember this? Dean’s siren was a dude come on guys catch up!’ At moments like this I feel like the show is specifically trying to tell the audience what we (as fandom) already know. Dean is bisexual, like last episode they were trying to tell us that Cas is in love with Dean. This is all extremely promising.

THEN right after we are reminded of the Siren, but right before Dean totally randomly brings up Cas we get this:

I mean of course I was gonna bring up the handprint! Although I admit I have been lacking in my watchfulness lately for any hand or hand print symbolism in the show. But this is definitely meant to pique the audiences interest. Because why is it there at all? Why bother with the hand print if they are gonna find the sigil shortly after? It doesn’t seem to add much to the plot except to be there to ping a memory in Dean’s mind. Of Castiel.

“And our best friends an angel! Whaaaaatt!”

This is another season 4 callback after all. Season 4 being the season of Cas’s handprint. When their ‘profound bond’ was formed. There is no way this handprint isn’t supposed to invoke the memory of that most famous of handprints. Dean remembers Cas fondly. Even when he doesn’t remember him he still thinks he is awesome. This makes me so happy. As Cas fans we are so used to Cas just being forgotten about in MOTW episodes, but like I have been saying for ages now, Andrew Dabb is the biggest Cas fan and he won’t let our angel be forgotten about at all now that he is showrunner.

Moving on and Rowena shows up a her awesome self and Dean is nice to her. His base nature is actually to be nice to people regardless of who they are. Its something we don’t see very often from our very grumpy and deeply traumatised monster hunter. “your hair it’s all so bouncy” he says. Noticing the smallest things. Its cute. Its so very un-dean-like and yet at the same time it is exactly the kind of thing Dean would do. We know he likes to take care of his own appearance, his room, and often teases Sam about his hair and Cas about his trenchcoat. These are more in-sights into how Dean’s mind works.

Dean is sat down to watch an episode of Scooby Do whilst Rowena and Sam talk about the curse, firstly thinking he gets to watch porn. Nope. Instead we get this:

Which… in an episode full of sexual innuendo is *ahem* something I’m not going to comment on. Yes my mind did go there. No I am not specifying where “there” is. Look at the picture and figure it out for yourself. Flowers and dogs also have specific symbolism in this show. Maybe this wasn’t intentional but with everything else? I think it is. I am partly laughing and partly crying at how obvious this is to me at least. But like I said I ain’t going there. LOL.

Then, once Sam has explained to Dean once again what is happening we get this beautiful scene:

Honestly Jensen killed it. The fear in his eyes, the horror and confusion. “My name is Dean Winchester. Sam Winchester is my brother, Mary Winchester is my mother, and Casti- Cas is my best friend” This was beautiful and painful to watch. My heart breaks for him. Amongst all the humour and silliness of Larry and Rowena and Sam’s squabbles, this moment showed the truth. That the situation is dark and terrible and frightening. I wish they had given us more moments like this than all the humour to be honest. Because this was real. This was Dean vulnerable and terrified. Once again a scene where he faces his reflection and struggles with what he sees, though this time for a totally different reason. Dean has never had a good time with mirrors in this show. Ever since Bloody Mary they just tend to be bad luck for him. This moment is no different.

As Dean continues to forget more and more Rowena leaves him to go and save Sam (how awesome is it that Rowena is technically saving them now?!?) and leaves Dean in the Impala surrounded by notes. This is where Dean really has forgotten everything and yet his hunter instincts still kick in.

We get another moment where Sam denies the use of the grenade launcher. Three times and it’s a pattern. I would bet money on Dean getting to use that thing by the end of the season.

Dean finds his way to the witches mansion and is able to save Rowena and Sam by firing the gun and killing the witch. Proof that hunting really is in his blood, part of his soul. He will always be a hunter. No witches spell can take that away. In a way it is quite sad because it kind of implies that however this show ends, it won’t be with Dean giving up hunting. Even with the talks of retirement in previous episodes, I can’t see Dean doing it. Its who he will always be.

Once the witches are dead and the spell reversed, Dean admits that he wouldn’t be better off forgetting all their crap, because he would have forgotten everything else too. No matter how happy he might have been.

“Was it nice to drop our baggage? Yeah maybe, hell probably, but it wasn’t just the crap that got lost it was everything, what we do, all of it. So, that’s what being happy looks like, I think I’ll pass.”

Of course Dean wouldn’t choose to forget everything. Like the previous scene proved, Its in Dean’s blood to be a hunter, and he wouldn’t ever wanna forget his family. The people he loves. Forgetting the people who love you is not happiness in any way shape or form.

I feel like maybe this episode was lacking an emotional final scene. This was short and sweet but it didn’t seem to have the satisfaction that I thought it would, regarding Dean’s memory loss and fear and dependence on his loved ones. But it was still a great analysis of Dean’s character nevertheless.

Sam Winchester isn’t looking hard enough

This episode was predominantly about Dean, but there was a lot of stuff about Sam in here too. Specifically how he doesn’t really seem to notice much about his brother. I don’t mean this as a dig, but it’s honestly quite surprising. When we compare episodes where Sam has been changed somehow, it has taken Dean no time at all to realise something is wrong. Sam however, seems to shrug it off as Dean being a dumbass, or Dean being drunk, or Dean doing something to make Sam roll his eyes again. It seems like Sam has got an idea of who Dean is in his mind and it is so deeply ingrained that he is kinda blinded by it. He has his expectations of his brother, and he has got it so so wrong. Sam judges Dean. He doesn’t mean to, but the problem is that Dean has been building on his ‘character’ on his ‘performing Dean’ persona just for Sam for his entire life. Sam sees the performance, he doesn’t see what’s underneath. Its episodes like this that make me question all our fics with “shipper!sam” because I sometimes doubt if that’s the case. Does Sam actually see it for what it is? Or is he so blinded by his version of Dean that he cannot see the truth? Clearly Cas and Dean’s tension makes him uncomfortable, as last episode all but proved. But does Sam really understand what is going on here?

If he can be surprised that Dean loves Dory, what else surprises him? How much of Dean does he not know about?

What I found really striking in this episode is how Sam doesn’t find it easier to track Dean’s movements of the night before, because if it was the other way around Dean would have figured Sam out straight away. This was shown to us back in season 4 (again with the season 4 references in this episode!) when Dean was able to locate Sam based on how well he “knows that kid”. If Sam had truly known his brother well, he would have known that the cowboy joint was the first place he’d go. Sam knows that Dean has a ‘cowboy fetish’ and therefore it make the most sense? Dean wanted to ride the bull, but Sam was so surprised that Dean rode Larry that he “couldn’t believe it.”  

Even the end scene, Sam admits that he was kinda jealous. For him, forgetting everything they have done is a weight off their shoulders. Something he would like to experience. I think this is also a hint towards Sam not entirely accepting that hunting is his life. Whereas Dean is generally happy with what he does, because it is in his blood Sam doesn’t feel that way. I know we have seen previous episodes where Sam has seemed to accept it. But he only accepts it if he can do it with Dean. The co-dependency is extremely strong with Sam at the moment. Sam also always seems to be looking for something more. I don’t just mean relationship wise, though he did admit this in 11x04, but something more than just hunting.

We have always known that Dean was more like Mary. Mary’s family are the hunters. Dean is one of them. Sam though? Sam was all John. And John might have taken to hunting once his revenge had consumed him, but hunting was not in John’s blood. Nope, John’s blood is all Men of Letters. This is the path that Sam seems destined for.

What also seems to encourage this theory is that it is usually Sam who is paired up with Rowena in any of her episodes. It is common in this show for most side characters to develop a better relationship with Dean than to Sam. Dean is charismatic like that, but Sam has ‘bonded’ with Rowena if you wanna call it that, far more than Dean has, and it is always Sam who calls Rowena in to help. Is Sam attracted to magic? This is something that we have been speculating for a while. The Men of Letters use magic this we know, even their grandfather Henry was able to “harness the power of his soul” to cast spells. It was Sam who spoke to Lily last episode about how she developed her power. It is Sam who finds all of that stuff very interesting, and it is Sam who holds on to the Grimoire at the end of the episode. Will we get witch!sam in the future? I think it is still a possibility, but if nothing else he will become a true men of letters eventually… that I am sure of.

I said I was slightly disappointed with the end of this episode as it seemed to brush over the deeper, more meaningful conversation that could have been had. Another moment of missed potential I think was this one:

“Brother. Witch”

Isn’t it all a bit too easy? What if the witch had turned around and said “no! I’m your brother! He’s a witch!” and it could have got confusing for Dean. I think this moment could have really been great for Sam to have to convince Dean somehow why he was indeed his brother… revealing something about himself and their relationship? It would have been nice to see that moment of doubt from Dean followed by pleading from Sam to believe him rather than the witch. It’s an old TV cliché though so maybe that’s why they didn’t do it.

The next great Sam moment was this one: “Who’s this hippy?”

Sam looked broken here. For a moment he was really worried that his brother had forgotten him… that is the moment I was talking about earlier about the horrors of Alzheimer’s. Thinking that your loved one doesn’t know who you are is horribly painful. Jared did really well to capture that moment, even though it turned out to be Dean joking around. I’m with Sam here, that wasn’t funny Dean. That was mean.

Rowena’s future

Rowena was totally awesome in this episode. We first see her playing poker with some shady characters and cheats her way into winning. I’m so interested in what Rowena is up to off screen. First the rich businessman who Crowley blew up, now this. She is clearly completely done with other witches, but she isn’t quite ‘out completely, and still comes to Sam and Dean’s aide even though she could easily tunr them down. Like Crowley, could Rowena be starting to care for the Winchesters?

“Am I saved to your contacts now? Tell me, have I got my own ringtone?” Lol. So Rowena is flirting with Sam. Which is fun but also reminds me of 10x19 and Sam’s hallucination of Rowena that got all flirtatious with him. That was Sam’s mind remember so is there actually something in this? Oh god do we need a ship name for this now? We had Drowley now we have Samena/Sawena? Eek I dunno about this! Though I might just go with it purely for the look on Crowley’s face.

Anyway I just love Rowena and Sam’s banter okay?

Then she turns up at their door and as much as Sam brushes it off as Rowena having her eyes on the Loughlin’s book, partly I think Rowena actually enjoys their company.

“altruism isn’t exactly your style”

Isn’t it though? Because she seems like she is also putting on a performance of villainess when really it’s not who she is at all. Like Dean, it’s all a performance.

“You’re a killer, Dean Winchester”

“But, though you may be a stubborn pain in the ass, with the manners of a Neanderthal and the dining habits of a toddler, everything you’ve done, you’ve done for the greater good.”

“Oh and that’s supposed to make it okay?”

“I wouldn’t know. You help those other than yourself, but me? I’ve done horrible things. I told myself it was fine. It was the price of power and powers what matters right? Then I meet god and his sister, the two most powerful beings in the universe, wasted on squabbling with each other. I thought if they can’t be happy or at least satisfied how can there be any hope for me?”

This is such a fascinating insight into Rowena’s mind, how she thinks. For ages it was all about getting power but since God and Amara she has given that up. It’s not about power. She still wants money so she can support herself, but like her son what she is missing is love. This is why I think she helped the Winchesters. She likes them, even if she acts like she doesn’t. They are technically the only people she really knows and I can see this being part of her storyline that she tries to build on a relationship with Sam and Dean. As an ally at first, but then at some point a friend.

After all, when she hears Sam is in trouble, she goes to rescue him. She doesn’t flee and decide it’s not her problem. If she didn’t care, she wouldn’t have put herself at risk for Sam. She doesn’t even get the book in the end. So what did she possibly risk her life for? If not to save Sam. This is a huge turning point for Rowena. She made a decision to save Sam’s life. So much for being a villain.

When Rowena does face Catrina, her story is horrible and sad, we are starting to learn more and more why Rowena is the way she is. Though nothing has come too close to her speech to Crowley in 11x10. Rowena hated being weak, being at the mercy of others. Her experience with the Loughlin’s shows just how awful it was for her. The way she was treated does not excuse the horrible things she has done, but it seems as though since meeting God and Amara she is trying to make up for some of that. She is not unkind or uncaring at all. She has always cared maybe too much. Otherwise she would have easily left both Winchesters to die.

This goes back to her speech to Crowley. “If I didn’t hate you, I’d love you. And love, love is weakness.” This I think is the theme of Rowena’s arc. For her to learn that love is not a weakness, that to have people who love and support you only makes you stronger. It coincides with Cas’s arc as well, where he is constantly being told that his weakness is his love for “humanity”. Castiel already said himself that “my friendship with Sam and Dean makes me stronger”. Rowena just needs to learn this too.

Overall

This episode wasn’t one of the strongest but it had some very good moments. I didn’t like the villains. I found them rather boring, but then they weren’t the focal point of the episode. The writing was sloppy in places and some of the plot didn’t quite make sense, but ultimately it worked. Just, what the hell was the end montage? I get that it was supposed to be another call back to Yellow Fever but seriously? The song was kinda fun. About innocence lost by the sounds of it.. but seriously? I was suffering from a bit of second hand embarrassment I’ll be honest. I think they just really needed an excuse to put Dean riding Larry into the episode for real. 

This makes me think that we totally missed out on a booty shorts dance from Dean at the end of 11x04.

Main takeaways from the episode?

Meredith Glynn binge watched season 4 and used it for all her references.

Sam really needs to pay more attention to what Dean isn’t telling him.

Sam may be tempted by witchcraft.

Rowena cares. A lot.

Dean likes to ride dick. (but then we already knew that.)

:P

[captainofthetidesbreath]

psst wanna talk about some of the bad bad really bad media criticism on this site? (bc I don't know a lot about film crit tbh)

In a lot of ways, film criticism is the same as literary criticism is the same as art criticism is so on. They all have their medium specific things, relating to the forms and history of the medium, but basic tenants are the same. (To the point that when I took media criticism, for film, and literary criticism back to back, the syllabus was essentially the same.) It's actually easier for me to point it out when I see it, and while I understand not everyone is an expert in framing techniques, here are some of the biggest pet peeves of mine.One of the biggest misunderstandings I see on this site is that media criticism is about searching for the One True Meaning™ of a text—be that text a film, a novel, a television series, a painting, a ballet, whatever. Media criticism is a lens of looking at a text and finding a meaning. A text can be interpreted in a vast, sometimes even contradictory, ways. Bridget Jones dressing up as a Playboy Bunny could be seen as objectifying in one lens, as an expressing of sexual liberation in another, as a commodifying of post-feminist sexual liberation for male consumption in a third, and on and on ad infinitum. There is no singular meaning in a text, and media criticism does not search for it. Rather it employs a critical, historical, political, rhetorical, whatever tradition to a work and interprets the work through that. Almost like running the same sentence through lexicons of different languages. All are valid. "But you fight so hard for how you interpret things!" So, let's move on to the next point...On that note of there being a multitude of interpretions of a single text, all interpretations are valid so long as they are supported by the text. The first half of that sentence is so extremely quoted on this site, and few know about the absolutely critical second half. Like, headcanons and personal character interpretations, fine, do whatever you want, I certainly do and I defend my own interpretations. But, if you are presenting me with a textual analysis, you cannot hope to ride by on "all interpretations are valid" unless you point to specific evidence in the text (or can make a case for it in absence of contradicting textual evidence and with an arguably supported rhetorical framework, but that's a different matter that still depends on presence of textual evidence). That's how it works. It genuinely drives me nuts when I see people defend analyses that are contradicted by or not at all supported by textual evidence with "all interpretations are valid".By the way, this doesn't mean that all interpretations are necessarily on equal footing. Some interpretations have much more textual evidence behind them than others.About specifically film criticism, which covers both film and television (henceforth referred to simply as film), the medium exists in more than two dimensions. The medium also exists in a temporal aspect. In a film, things happen in a specific order for a specific amount of time. One cannot approach a film as if it were a static piece of art. By definition, it is not. Time is very important in a film. And one must always consider the temporal place a moment has within the text.On that note, one cannot provide film criticism on stills alone. While one can certainly comment on a still, that is not what a film is. One must also talk about shots, scenes, sequences. This is true of all criticism, one cannot perform literary criticism on a single quote after all, but I see this happen often with film.A lot of this is basically me screaming CONSIDER CONTEXT.Also, film is a visual medium. You don't analyze film purely on dialogue. Framing, shot choice, color grading, lighting, other elements of mise en scene I'm sadly forgetting, editing. Those all must not be forgotten. Dialogue one of the LEAST important elements of a film. I know we all can't be expected to do shot analyses, but I've seen so many people calling framing and editing and lightning analysis as a way to arrive at textual conclusions bullshit. And, like, I laugh bitterly.Again, all interpretations are valid so long as they are supported by textual evidence. While it is utterly reasonable to limit what texts one is looking at, such as just one book of a series, one episode of a show, only the current canon of Star Wars, you can't draw conclusions without textual evidence and claim validity on basis of all interpretations.... Again, this isn't about one's own personal canon and headcanon, I'm talking about when doing textual analysis. Again, there is no One True Meaning™ of a work, and criticism simply searches for one of many meanings by looking at the work through different lenses, creating varied and often contradictory interpretations. For some reason, it's either someone argues everything goes or only mine goes. IdkGenre conventions exist and they have a LOT to say and, often, are unconscious. An argument can be reasonably presented that Sharknado calls for a reformation of the patriarchal nuclear family, discourages divorce and marrying divorcees, and upholds traditional Western ideals of rugged masculinity—and much of this comes out of its faithfulness to the genre conventions of disaster films. Never underestimate how genre can shape a textual interpretation, and never dismiss elements of a text as simply due to convention. Convention exists for a reason.Also, going back to context, media does not exist in a vacuum. At the same time, media criticism and media analyses ALSO do not exist in a vacuum. Throwback to media criticism is a lens. All of them reflect particular ways of thinking and inherently are dyed with the biases, mores, fears, dreams, zeitgeist of the society these texts and analyses were created in.And, honestly, if I ever again see "all interpretations are valid..." in a way that flagrantly flies in the face of the "...so long as they are supported by evidence in the text", I will scream.