#i want a haircut so bad. but im toughing it out

[lokh]

how i look with he/him pronouns in my bio

[winderlylandchime]

*points to tv* ‘look its Justin and Brian. Dude, it’s early morning and he’s going to the baths? LOOK AT THEM KISSING GOODBYE! Did you see that cute shit! Adorable. Oh Brian..you can find hotter places to fuck at than this dump..JEN! THATS MY BABY JEN! WHAT IS GOING ON? this is his office? FINALLY I AM GETTING MY BUDDY EPISODE! Aw he took a picture of Jen, why the fuck didn’t it show it? I wanna see my girl! My two favorite people being best friends! I am so happy!’ ‘Ted IS A SINGER! Oh as a waiter? *smacks his chest with his fist* respect! Been there, done that, tough shit. *pauses tv and looks at me* Did you know when i first started as a waiter, i didnt know what cappuccino is made of so when people ordered it, i told them we ran out of it. I got fired 4 days later’ ‘i feel bad for Emmett. I get they want to support him but Emy also needs support. Damn it this is bad. But i also *takes a deep breath* feel bad for Mike.’ ‘AWWW Vic and Rodney are gonna live together! Finally Vic gets something more in his life than just hiv and sister. GOOD FOR YOU VICKY BOY! LIVE THAT LONG HAPPY LIFE BABY!’ ‘How in the holy hell, did they convince Brian to go to this restaurant. Id get if Justin was there but he isnt, so HOW? Oh he came along to laugh. Okay, makes sense’ the scene where Pink Posse walks down the street is up and he paused the tv and started laughing. I did not expect him to have these reactions. ‘They look like a gay boyband. Backstreet Gays. Look at them on their way to fight people with their pink shirts. I am trying so hard to be chill with this but what is this? They look like a low budget cult. (The car/fight scene happens) Justin.. violence for violence is not cute. Nothing about this is cute. I am trying to get it cause of prom but WHY IS THIS HAPPENING NOW?’ ‘Look at Brian once again waiting for him. Is he late? A vigilante with a curfew. Thats new. Soooo he’s now hopped up on adrenaline ready to fuck. Cool cool cool. Look how fast Brian’s plans can change when it involves Justin. Or sex. But Brian when youre done, we need to talk to Buzz lightyear about his dangerous activities’ ‘WHY IS MIKE BEING A BITCH TO BLAKE?! He is a sweet guy who hasn’t done shit wrong. Be nice to him!’ ‘Im glad theyre finally giving Vic some fucking story line. Sometimes it felt like they forgot he was there *turns to me all serious* which one am I, Deb or Vic?’ The Britin scene comes up ‘YOURE TELLING ME FOR ONCE THEYRE NOT SHOWERING TOGETHER? see! Brian is worried, scared and annoyed at this pink pussy movement. And so am I! Now come on Brian, go and yell at Cody, like only you can. Why is Justin being so angry at Brian? Since when is he so angry? Brian! Do something!‘ ‘oh Brian is not having Emmetts shit. Look at him being a friend. *pauses tv* i really like this Brian. Something feels different, i fuck with it. he is full of advices lately!’ And we are back to Justin and Cody and he just groaned loudly and slid on the floor from the coach ‘this zack and cody spin off needs to end. Blondie is being forced to be angry and have a horrible haircut. Unless if they give me Brian yelling at this wannabe Captain America, make it stop. Justin he is literally telling you he wants to search for fights, why is my blondie so dumb at times?- damn I actually really feel bad for Mike in this episode, that is a first.’ The scene with Cody and Justin at the restaurant or whatever is up ‘what the fuck is this bullshit? JUSTIN WE HAVE A RULE! WHY THE FUCK IS HE BREAKING A RULE IN EVERY FUCKING SEASON?! DUDE- what..Justin for fucks sake walk away from this shit, at what point will you realize youre in too deep? WHAT THE FUCK KINDA ENDING WAS THAT?!’ *gets up and grabs his cigarettes* ‘great now Brian isn’t the only one stressed, worried and annoyed’ He is now outside walking up and down and talking to our mom all angry about how Justin is risking his life and being an idiot and then he just randomly went ‘but at least brian is looking really good this season. I feel like this might be his season where he finally thrives’ …safe to say he is wrong.

Brian really does look so good in the bathhouse scene. Also let's note Justin being happy to leave Brian there - this is not a kid who suddenly wants monogamy and marriage a year later, okay?

GOOD FOR YOU VICKY BOY! LIVE THAT LONG HAPPY LIFE BABY!

Oh Anon, oh dear sweet anon.... you're going to need to get some tissues for your brother.

That shower scene is so good. Brian is worried and pissed. He didn't scrap Justin off the parking garage floor just for him to risk his life being stupid.

i really like this Brian. Something feels different, i fuck with it. he is full of advices lately! CHARACTER GROWTH!

‘but at least brian is looking really good this season. I feel like this might be his season where he finally thrives’ …safe to say he is wrong. I mean he does look good the whole season, but yeah there's that whole cancer thing... Poor brother.

[starfruitgirlie]

guide for highschool to not suck

HEY GAMERS! I catch myself a lot looking at people younger than be and being annoyed or thinking "wow I know so much more than you" but when I was the age they were at I desperately wanted to be older and I wanted to know what I was doing and I sucked at life. Im 17 so I can only give life advice up to that point. I was absolute garbo at age 13-15. I was cringe, fowl, thought I knew everything, was experimenting with my identity and style, had acne, had access to the internet when I probably shouldn't have, the works. Instead of looking down on a reflection of myself I want to give advice on how to make things a bit better. Unfortunately, you can't avoid being cringe. However I was mentally ill and had adhd, and there are things you can do to make those things less sucky. (disclaimer I am not a professional and you should always reach out to a trusted adult or a therapist for help and not the internet!)

So highschool sucks it's awful it's absolute doodoo. I changed school districts so I went into my freshman year not knowing ANYBODY. I was also a cringe gender non-conforming queer kid with a bad haircut and bad fashion sense so I know what it's like to be picked on. so this is for anybody already in highschool or going into it or just wants to know what to prepare for.

I can't sugarcoat it highschool is so bad. It's not all bad, you can have nice experiences but ultimately it sucks because when your entire social atmosphere is insecure teenagers everything sucks. I just completed my junior year and I feel like I have made a lot of realizations just in that year alone. I'm not a senior yet so I'm just dipping my toe into college prep stuff so I am no where qualified for that so if that's what you want go somewhere else and if you get good advice tell me I need it. so this is starfruit's guide on how to NOT SUCK HIGHSCHOOL! (from someone with no friends and is lazy)

no one is looking at you as much as you think they are. I don't mean this as a "you're full of yourself" statement, it's an anxiety thing I still deal with. Embarrassing incidents are going to happen unfortunately. You forget deodorant, you have your period, you trip in the hallway, your pants rip, all the sucky stuff. There are going to be some assholes who laugh and make you feel bad but most people are going to understand. everyone knows what it is like to feel embarrassed and it won't be a disney-channel bully type scene if you mess up. even though social media doesn't show it, people make embarrassing mistakes and have accidents. It took some time, but I had to learn to laugh at myself and not take myself as as seriously. I don't spend my whole day hyperfocusing on other people or going out of my way to laugh at someone. It can be tough especially if you're as shy as I am but there will always be kind people who will offer help in situations like that. As you grow things will be less embarrassing. i am not at the point where that feeling is completely gone but I yearn for the day.

I was in my first AP class this year and at first I was super super self-conscious. I am a good student, but the people in that class made me feel stupid sometimes. They all took like 6 ap classes when that was my first one. reality check!! it doesn't matter. your future employer isn't going to go "So did you take 6 ap classes at once and get 5s on all of them?". highschool doesn't matter as much as you feel like it does. don't get me wrong, still try but be kinder to yourself. Don't compare your grades to somebody else's. A big part of this too is not asking people for what they got on a test even if you think they got lower. It's not done out of malicious intent, but I know for a fact a lot of good students ask other people for their scores to feel better about their own when someone answers a lower grade. When people ask I say "I don't tell people my grades, it's just a personal thing I guess" and people will move on. A big thing for juniors is the ACT. the day those scores came out it was awful. I had to delete instagram for a week when someone I knew posted their super-good score just to brag. everyone was asking what I got and everyone was comparing scores. "Oh I got a 34" and when somebody said "28" I heard "that's not that bad!". that is a phrase I hate. "it's not that bad!" SHUT UP!!! You can avoid this by not telling anyone your scores. the only people who know my act score are me, my therapist, and my parents. and I intend to keep it that way forever. I'm grateful that a lot of aspects of school come easy to me but this is applicable for students at any level. my grades don't make me any better of a person. What is important is to try your best and only compare yourself to yourself. if a C is your best effort, that's good! You tried and you put in hard work. school is not a true judgment of how smart you are what matters is you are trying and learning.

don't be on snapchat. my school used it for a long time to spread nudes and take pictures of alt people and make fun of them. and to also send threats. "what's yo snap" is not flirting. it makes me want to hit you with a metal bar. I can't really explain all that much but I just hate snap chat and I will never use it.

don't spread information you aren't sure is true. big and small highschools both can start rumors that get out of control. a kid who I never knew was talked about so much and the rumors kept spiraling I have no idea what is or isn't true. it's also just not that fun to talk about?? I mean there is a certain enjoyment in gossip but if you're just making fun of someone behind their back it's not cool and even if you're laughing in the moment that's not healthy behavior. and if your friends shun you for not wanting to do that and being uptight, get new friends.

ask questions. if you are confused in class, ask. even if it's a dumb question. I admit I have thought before "are you dumb" when someone asked a question but at the end of the day I'm just a hater and that person benefitted from hearing an answer and learned. if you can, email your teachers and go in during your study halls or lunch hour for individual help. I never would have passed ap calc without all the days I spent in my teacher's classroom during my lunch period.

set boundaries with your friends. you can still show your friend you want to talk to them and value their friendship and express you want to listen in class. also you're just annoying if you talk the whole time. that's the hater in me coming out I'm sorry.

stop following made-up social media teen rules you hate. that makes me sound old when I say that but I can't describe it any other way. an example of this is instead of asking for someone's snap, just say "hi I really like you do you want to go on a date and can I get your phone number?". have real human interactions. Just because Brady Smith and his friends always sit at that table at lunch doesn't mean you can't sit there if you get there first. just because it's "cringe" doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Be polite. shake someone's hand instead of dapping them up or whatever the hell. high five unironically. read a book in class instead of being on your phone. it doesn't mean you're trying to be quirky. it just means you want to read a book and people who make fun of you for reading probably should be the ones reading.

which leads me to: read more books. doesn't have to be something profound like a classic. it can be shitty YA vampire love triangle. it can be the series you loved in middle school about dragons. it can be something super long and profound. it can be non-fiction, it can be manga, it can be whatever!!!!! just read!!! just because someone to your left is reading jane austen doesn't mean you can't read warrior cats.

this might be more of an american thing but participate in dress-up days. this helped me overcome a lot of my social anxiety. even if no one else is doing it, I am going to dress like a cowboy because god damn it, it is dress like a cowboy day. i guarantee nobody cares. There's this kid at my school that regularly shows up in different costumes and I think its awesome and I also don't care. It could be some random tuesday and I could see Goku in the hallway and go "That's weird" and go about my day. Dress like Goku. End up on the school snapchat story with popular kids putting comments over it with a skull emoji. be free. The same kid also dressed up accordingly for holidays. Kids like that make you smile and you remember them fondly. my sister had a classmate who brought a toy thor's hammer to school everyday. i guarantee people made fun of him but thats awesome dude. nobody cares and if they do they need to get their priorities checked.

do your work in class so you don't have to do it at home. it saves time and you have more time to be lazy. if you have to work at home make sure to keep a planner. It's not cringe you're just being responsible. write it down or it will be gone from your brain in an instant and it will be 3 am and you will be writing a last minute research paper and not remember how to do citations.

make accommodations for yourself at school. for me this looks like dressing comfortably even tho I want to be stylish. It's also always bringing my headphones to school to have music on so I can focus. There's no reason to make school hard for yourself, bring things you might need, you don't need to raw dawg the day.

if you can, utilize time before school and after school to get help. I know so many people are busy so this might be tough but most schools will have resources like saturday school or they open early and have teachers who come in to tutor. at the end of the day though, prioritize you over your grades. You should still try but if you need the day to play video games and sleep, play video games and sleep.

to sum it up: stop comparing yourself to other people, compare yourself to you. only you know what you've been through and your level of growth. it's easier to be a happy teen when you arent worried what other people think. I hope this was useful!!!! thank you for reading if anyone made it this far.

[vanityloves]

complicated friendship stuff 🤔

[basiccortez]

Hi! If your requests are open could you do a coco x reader where he tells you he loves you for the first time xx

A/N: I am super sorry this is so late!!! I honestly have no reason why this took so long to get around to. But I am so sorry. I have actually been looking into writing to a bigger crowd, i.e. being a gender neutral author. This is my first time writing with a gender neutral character, so please please please, give me feedback on it and ways that I can make my writing better and more inviting to all readers!!

pairing: Coco x Gender!Neutral reader.

warnings: fluffy shit

He wasn't sure when it first hit him. Was it when you didn't put up with his mother's shit? When you held him after he killed his mother? The fact that you didn't run when seeing what he could do. Or was it when you took in Leti as your own? Doing whatever was possible to make her feel welcome in your home, helping her with school, and even putting forth enough money to help her buy her own car. Or was it when he was hit with a Molotov cocktail and was blinded in one eye? Spending the night by his bed, holding his hand and praying to whatever God was out there that he was going to be okay. Or was it when he was on his last life, and no one, not even the club wanted to deal with him? When he had disappeared for a month and not even his daughter knew where he was. He had shown back up on your doorstep, looking worse for ware, and listened to you as you went in on him about the drugs, running away from the club and getting help, and stealing Leti's iPad, car and college money.

Coco was surprised when you walked into the guest bedroom the next morning after he came stumbling to your door. You looked as beautiful as ever, but also mad as hell.

"I'm sorry-"

"Shut the fuck up." You responded.

"Babe-"

"No, Johnny. Where the hell have you been? Do you know how worried we have been? Me, Leti, even fucking Gilly. Your daughter thought you died. And I actually believed it!" You yelled at him. Coco winced at the sound of your voice.

"I'm sorry. I thought, I thought I could keep things away. The demons and everything. It started with the oxy they gave me after surgery, and just went from there. I'm sorry, I never meant for it to get this bad. I broke the promise."

You looked at the ground and then back up at your boyfriend, "You need to get clean. If I have to take up extra shifts and the hospital I will. Coco, I will spend every cent to make sure you get yourself back together. You get clean here, or I ship your ass of one of those celebrity rehab centers Doctor Drew works at." You said and Coco nodded, "You not only let me down Coco, but you let your daughter down too. You're gonna have to work hard to win that trust back."

Coco took your words to heart, and he did start working hard. And like promised, you never left him alone. You were by his side at 2 AM when he thought bugs were crawling all over his skin. Or in the heat of the day, when he wanted to go for a walk and ended up vomiting in your rose bush. You never left his side. Coco could see past your tough exterior, and saw that your heart was breaking watching the person you care for tear his body apart.

By the third month, Coco finally felt normal. He had replaced his heroine habit for tending to succulents. You and Leti had grown annoyed that your guest room was filled with small green plants, but both agreed it was better than crack. Coco had apologized to his daughter, and agreed to get a job to help her pay for school. He had also reached out to the club, explaining to Bishop what had happened. He knew what could happen, intravenous drug use was against the rules. But Bishop, desperate to fill his table after Steve and Taza, let it go, but still made sure that he was clean.

The last thing he had to do was apologize to you. It wasn't that he hadn't told you he was sorry or how grateful he was, but he knew you deserved more. He wanted to give you more and he was going to do that. He had cleaned the house, done laundry and even decided to get a haircut, knowing how much you loved when his hair was shorter. Coco had gotten Leti to keep you busy, and take you out to for a 'treat yourself' day.

"Thank you, Leti." You said as you dropped Leti off at her friends house, "I can't remember the last time I had a day to myself. I was really needing that back massage."

"I should be thanking you, and everything you did for my dad. I haven't seen him that happy or healthy in months. You really did work your magic."

You smiled to yourself and nodded, "Im just happy you got your dad back."

"I am too. I'll see you later." Leti said and kissed your cheek before heading into her friends house.

You sighed as you sat in front of your house, never knowing what you're about to walk into. You trusted Coco, and trusted that he was staying clean, but you never know. You said a silent prayer, and got out of the car to go inside.

Your breath caught in your throat as you opened the door to bushels of white roses and candles surrounded the living room. The house looked spotless and the vomit stain in the couch had been cleaned.

"What did you do?" You asked your boyfriend.

"I uh. . . I cleaned, and Gaby helped me. I wanted to apologize. For everything. I've been a shit father and an even shittier boyfriend to you. I didn't realize how fucked up I had gotten. I promised you that I wouldn't be like my mother, and I did exactly that. Baby, I never want to be that man again, I love you."

"You love me?" You asked, tears in your eyes, "Johnny, you've never said that."

"I was waiting for the right time. I love you, mi alma." Coco said, grabbing your waist and wiping away fallen tears. He caressed your cheek softly before placing a soft kiss on your lips, the first time he's kissed you in months.

"I love you too, Coco."

[bluebuckstallion]

the sun will rise again - mlp fic p2

part one contents: aj and big mac are like. 13 and 15. big mac realizes she is a trans woman, and is guided by applejack, but there is much more to it than just that lol. its also a little hard for her. sappy, feel-good, tough internal conflict but overall happy fic. paragraph one is previewed here, the rest is below the cut! disclaimer: there is no transphobia in this fic lmao im not gonna write abt horse transphobia. this is a feel good. but cw for fear of outing (note: i am aware my blog makes posts a little hard to read bc of a glitch, i am trying to fix it at the moment, i apologize D: i rec reading it on tumblr mobile or highlighting the words as you read, im sorry!) paragraph one: The wind whispered lovingly, cooling little Big Mac and Applejack's drowsy heads. A time like this in a young pony's life can be very confusing, something the two of them had grown to be very familiar with. Applejack rested his backside against the trunk of one of his family's old apple trees, if they had no where else to take solace, at least they had the orchard and each other's company, he thought. It felt nice, having this little secret kept safe by somepony you knew would protect it, and who still cared about you just the same. "If nopony accepts us, at least we have each other. I don't care if it's just you and me, Big Mac, we'll be jus' fine." Applejack stated in a soft voice, breaking the silence. He was accepting of his circumstances, no matter how they turned out. As long as him and his sister ended up okay. And again, he was sure they would. Big Mac smiled and folded her hooves neatly, "Eeyup."

-

Applejack worked his fluffy hooves through Big Mac's mane, doing his absolute best to make the fine ginger hair into a braid. He wanted to do something nice for his sister, something to celebrate her bravery and courage in realizing - and telling - Applejack, and he wanted her to feel nice in her own body, even if she couldn't change much right now, or for a while. No matter how small the act, Big Mac was especially grateful. Nobody had ever treated her like this, on purpose at least, like she was a mare. And every chance Applejack could sieze he would do just that, remind her that was what, *who* she was. "So, Big Mac, what do you reckon I call you now?" With that her eyes widened, and her brows furrowed, it caught her off guard. "Like...my name? I didn't know I could change my name..." she let out, slightly confused, a tender hoof raising to her chin as she thought hard. "Yeah!" AJ beamed, not straying from his tedious work. Big Mac, still lying down, started shuffling her hooves again. "Well... I always thought if I were a girl my name would be something pretty, which I mean, I am a girl and all, but I don't feel very pretty ever," she admitted disheartened. "You're plenty pretty! You're an Apple! You wouldn't say Ma or Granny wasn't pretty, would you?" Applejack pointed out, gesturing absentmindedly in the air with his hooves, then promptly returning back to his work, being sure to keep a steady hoof. "Well... Nope." Big Mac blurted awkwardly, pursing her lips. "But-" she began. "No 'but's'!" Applejack interjected, "You're an Apple, and a dang pretty one!" Applejack closed his eyes and lifted his head proudly, putting his non-dominant hoof against his puffed chest, "Look at me, I'm an Apple and I'd say I'm awful handsome, just like Pa!" he said with an endearing foal-like passion and certainty. He chuckled, his cheeks growing slightly cherry as he let out a tiny chuckle, and got back to his work, about a quarter way down the locks. Big Mac grinned slightly, "I suppose," and tapped her hooves together shyly, playing with the grass falling between them. "You know, I always did think my mane was a little long for a stallion," she laughed playfully, diverting from the subject and trying to reassure herself. She went to touch her mane, and was swiftly batted away by Applejack's quick hoof, "Nuh-uh Big Mac, I'm workin' here. Don't go touchin' it now," he said sternly but still non-maliciously. He just wanted it to look perfect for his big sister, he wanted her to be proud, and feel as pretty as she could. Applejack wanted to know how it felt to look pretty, too, but in the way he'd always dreamed of. He wondered often if he'd ever get the blessing of such a wonderful feeling. "Applejack, do you ever wish you were born a colt?" Big mac asked genuinely, still a little unsure of what Applejack was feeling, but knowing there was solidarity in it somewhere, she just had to understand it a little more. "Well - not really," Applejack spat out, his eyes looking away from his busy hooves, and quickly darting back to them before he drifted off in fantasy. He thought about it for a second, and still felt strange. "I wasn't really born a filly or a colt... or anything, I think, I was just born me. And I wouldn't really have it any other way. Sure, I mean, maybe I'd like shorter hair or somethin', or a uh," he struggled to find the words in his young foal vocabulary, "maybe if my nose was a little more colt-ish I'd be happy. But I think I'm pretty happy with me now. I do hope when I'm older my voice is a little better, though. I can't really do much though," he sighed dismissively. He continued, "I don't ever really feel too bad about who I am... I think I just feel happy about who I am. When I see myself as not a colt and not a filly, just a foal, a pony, it makes me real happy-like. But, I don't get too sad unless people are real serious about calling me a filly. I do get sad sometimes though, when I look too much like a filly to other people..." As Applejack placed an orchard blossom in Big Mac's hair, tucked snug and safe behind her ear, a thought went through Big Mac's head. "Applejack!" she jumped up, the rush of movement startling him, who was so concentrated seconds prior. "Let's give you a haircut! It'll be like how you braided my hair for me, we can cut yours!" Applejack nervously rubbed his elbow, then raising his hoof lightly beneath his muzzle, and he began to sweat. "Well, I, what if Ma and Pa don't like it?" Big Mac thought hard as Applejack grimaced, "Well, we can hide it with one of Pa's hats, an' I'm sure they won't mind," she suggested happily. Applejack considered briefly, just for a moment, the downsides of it all. He then immediately turned them all away and smiled so hard his eyes shut, stomping his front hooves against the ground up and down, "Okay, let's do it Big Mac!" As they galloped back to the barn, Applejack had suddenly realized he was so surprised with how much Big Mac had been talking, she never seemed so excited to talk about anything, and he realized how much this all meant to her. It meant a lot to him, too. Especially that his sister was so supportive while still knowing so little, but in her defense, he didn't know much either. It was a very special feeling, he thought to himself, very pleased. They skidded to a halt clumsily as they reached the doors to the barn. Foal-ishly peeking through the front windows, they realized it was only Granny and baby Bloom home, their parents must be out. They looked at each other, grinning, and cantered to the back, sneaking inside through the back door. When they made it to the bathroom, Applejack noted Big Mac looked a little worn out, wearing a tired look on her face. She figured all this chattiness probably made her sister a little exhausted. He shot a reassuring patended Sibling glance at her telling her all she needed to know, not needing words. Big Mac let out a gentle smile. She helped her little brother reach the cabinet above the sink, reaching the scissors that were so high up it took them both working together to reach. Applejack had a slight doubt in his mind, his parents probably didn't want him touching the scissors by himself, did they? But he had his big sister with him, and it had to be done! Nopony else would, and only they understood. Applejack balanced shakily with two hooves on Big Mac's back, warily reaching one back hoof up onto the sink, as he balanced with his two front hooves against the edge of the cabinet. He grasped the scissors between his teeth, and brashly jumped down, just barely missing a potential accident, even though they both knew better than to jump around with scissors, they threw caution to the wind regardless. Applejack happily put his front hooves on the rim of the sink, tapping them and bopping his little head, he looked at his big sister, who began working at his hair. Big Mac chopped with a great lack of care, playfully snipping one strand then the next. Applejack beamed the whole time, simply happy to have it happen, plan or not. Big Mac frequently spun around him, balancing on three hooves and sometimes getting in so close that she held his face with one hoof, his hair with another, and cut with the scissors firm in her mouth. Applejack's body relaxed completely and was kicking and rearing with every cut, wiggling and happily holding his front hooves together and constantly swishing his head from side to side to check how it looked, one side fell to his muzzle, and the other to his chin. He smiled bigger than ever before. With the final snip, Big Mac dropped the scissors carelessly to the tile below. She gently grasped Applejack's chin and turned her sibling's head forward to face the mirror, and his mouth immediately fell agape, his jaw slack, and his eyes slowly widening with the purest joy there ever was. He cupped his hooves to his mouth, removing them, turning his head to the side, and then fixing himself and putting his hooves to his open mouth once again. He felt a soft tug in his throat and his chest, and he couldn't control the watering in his eyes, "Big Mac!!" his voice cracked. "Yes Applejack?" the filly said apprehensively, fearing that she had done something wrong. "Oh Big Mac, oh my gosh I love it so so much!!" He bucked and whinnied, spinning in circles, his once-flowing tail too short to trip over now, and the euphoria of it all was the most overwhelming emotion little Applejack had ever felt. The tugging became so immense he couldn't ignore it, and he acknowledged it by leaping onto Big Mac with a hearty hug, squeezing her tight as his little arms could, and he rubbed his muzzle into her neck. Big Mac politely pushed her hoof between her neck and AJ's hoof, making sure he didn't squeeze too tight, struggling slightly to breathe. This foal was definitely a strong one. "Thank you so much big sis!!! I feel so great!!" he neighed, stepping back, one hoof raised wiping his immense wave of tears. The feeling of euphoria shot through his body in a rush, showing itself in the form of a tiny but powerful hop, as he lifted his legs into the air and threw them around. Applejack rushed back to the mirror, urging Big Mac to come look as well, as she didn't quite see herself yet with her hair "done all proper-like." Big Mac's face became pale, as she felt the rush of a thousand different emotions. The paranoia became astounding again, what if she didn't like how she looked as a filly? What if she still didn't feel right? What if it wasn't - Her thoughts were abruptly cut short by Applejack tugging her over, knowing her sister just sometimes needed a push in the right direction. "Lookie Big Mac!!" he placed his arm cheerfully around her, wrapping it over her back. Big Mac's eyes were glued shut, and she only bashfully peeked one eye open because curiosity would've ate her alive otherwise, and deep down she knew she had to see herself eventually. She uncovered her hoof from her eye, and opened both of them slowly. Her mouth opened ever so slightly, and she wasn't even aware she had stopped breathing, her eyes fluttered up and down the braided locks, along with her heart, and her eyes landed on the blossom in her ear. She couldn't speak, her throat clogged up from such elation. She felt the choking once again, but it wasn't like before, this feeling was quite welcoming actually. It rushed from her throat up to her head, and took her breath away. The sobbing ebbed at her cheeks right away, and she turned to look at her brother. As they spoke with lack of words, they stared with inordinate graditude. As Big Mac smoothly turned back to the mirror, Applejack stomped all his hooves again, one after the other with no apparent order or care, shaking his head in a frenzy as his ears twitched and he smiled a mile wide. He finally felt *pretty.* Big Mac watched herself adoringly, for the first time ever, and felt this acceptance and understanding of herself coursing through her veins with a confidence she'd never had. She blushed, and her ears fell downward, a small smile creeping onto her face. "Applejack," she whispered softly, as if she were too worried the world would hear her secrets. Applejack peered closer with wide, curious eyes, "Yeah Big Mac?" he whispered back. "My name.." she mumbled. Applejack raised his eyebrows, captivated, as Big Mac slowly lifted her hoof to the blossom behind her ear. "Blossom?" Applejack stated inquisitively, before Big Mac could shake her head AJ corrected himself, "Orchard Blossom!" he exlaimed, leaning back and jumping in the air, "Oh big sis, that's so pretty!! I love it so much!!" Orchard Blossom nervously gestured for him to keep it down, as he was prone to being unaware of his volume control. Applejack embarassedly covered his mouth with a shy smile, "Oops, sorry big sis." he cleared his throat, "Orchard Blossom!!" he yell-whispered, the excitement shining through him, he stamped his tiny hooves and clapped them together in celebration. "That's so pretty, Orchard Blossom!" Applejack told her earnestly, loving the new name. "I don't think I want a new name, but I'm really happy ya found one you like!" "Orchard Blossom, Orchard Blossom, Orchard Blossom!" Applejack repeated, playfully prancing in circles, excited by the sight of his short tail, he spun even faster. "What's all that commotion in there? Applejack? Big Mac? Are ya in there?" they heard through the shut door, hoofsteps gradually approaching, painstakingly slow but steady. Both of them felt their hearts drop from their chest as they froze, unable to even fathom moving. How would they explain any of this? Applejack hurried to clean up desperately, brushing the hair together with his hooves, coldly sweating from his brow as he frantically hurried to remove any evidence. He stopped mid-sweep to quickly shove his father's hat on his head, which slumped immediately and blocked his vision. "Oh dangit Blossom, Pa's hat's too big! I can't see!!" Orchard Blossom was still unmoving, sheer panic stopping her very breaths. Applejack felt the tugging in his throat rise up again as he began whimpering.

[aclosetfan]

Do you have any new ppg headcannon bc I'm starving for some.

:p ive always got some!

But lmao I misread the ask and thought you meant, “new ppg headcannons BC” as in, “for buttercup,” but like I just added the “for” for some reason so 😬 that’s what I wrote. My bad. She’s just on my mind. I’ve got more for the two other girls, their sibling relationships, and other characters, but I don’t want to bore you, so we’ll stick with buttercup 😂

My h/c’s typically depend on the story I’m envisioning in my head, but I’ve got a few that are consistent:

- more jock than punk. I see a lot of people lean hard into the punk aesthetic, which I appreciate, but BC feels more jock to me, she’s too athletic not to be!

- I don’t really get too caught up in the “sexuality” debates, but I lean bisexual, and also pretty androgynous (or non-binary if you prefer that terminology) in gender representation

- but really I don’t think any of that matters much to BC. She doesn’t define herself, basically just vibes and looks good doing it

- rip to her hair tho. She’s always taking scissors to it until she grows up a bit and figures out a good stable “adult” haircut. But her hair never grows past her shoulders and she doesn’t like it in her face.

- I don’t think she’s thinks she’s pretty. I feel she sees her body as a lethal tool, and I think the people around her affirm that thinking, but no one takes the time to remind her she’s pretty (like they do her sisters) and that’s got to have an effect on her. (She’s got ugly duckling syndrome lol)

- also a sad one, but I think she deals with a guilty conscience! She takes her mistakes hard and ends up over apologetic when she gets older. ((For example, she doesn’t like going to the dentist because of that whole dentist episode where she punched out peoples teeth for money lmao; and she’s too friendly to Elmer for bullying him when she was in preschool))

- I like her not having a special power, so I don’t fuss with that debate. Don’t need a special power if you’re already the best 🤷‍♀️ I also don’t think she needs to be the strongest/fastest out of the three sisters to be the “toughest” because those traits dont equal toughness. It’s her endurance and perseverance that make her tough and getting stuck in the weeds of which sister is stronger defeats the point of the show, ya know?

- however I feel she works out/trains the most so she’s probably the best fighter!

- lmao no one’s going to agree with this one, but I think of her as more a morning person than night owl! I think she’s the one who wakes up early to work out, eat, shower, and than throw her sisters out of bed so they (they meaning blossom, who’s a chronic night owl) don’t bitch about being late to school/etc

- idk there’s just something about this girl that makes me feel like one of two things would happen if she went to the beach: 1) she’d bitch about the sand the WHOLE time or 2) she’d bury herself up to her head in the sand and stay there the WHOLE time—-there is no in between

- “what would buttercup be when she grew up???”Thanks for the question you totally actually asked and I didn’t just make up!! I’ve got (5) routes BC could take:

1) (my fave) Healthcare! I think she could take this path in a powers or no-powers au. I don’t see her as a doctor, but I do see her as a nurse ((ER only/though pediatric would be funny with her character, like imagine the cute scrubs lol, and then, imagine she buys cute scrubs with her and her sisters faces plastered on them b/c she’s funny like that)). I also see her in physical therapy! But mostly I see her as an emergency responder! She does good in emergency situations, and I’m assuming because she’s a superhero she has a basic understanding of first aid, so this would fit her skills set. Also, going into healthcare would allow her to do something “physical” while helping others ((she’s very hero-minded 😊))

2) personal trainer who specializes in self defense! Works for stories with powers or no powers. I could also see her owning her own gym

3) just a full time superhero / or in a no powers au, special agent of the PPG (wink to the people who know what I’m referencing)

4) professional athlete. Only for a no power au because having powers would be cheating. But this option is boring to me ngl

5) lmaooo housewife. Listen, tell me BC doesn’t remind you of Izumi from FMAB?! TELL ME IM WRONG!!!! Like she gets pissed off being a hero, retires, and wants to live a normal domestic life but keeps getting sucked out of retirement to save the world!! (Also Izumi marries a butcher 😉) Buttercup would be a kickass mom of 5 unruly little boys and it’d be a good ass time

For example:

Taking care of her kids—

saving her kids—

Having a equally retired but badass husband—

- I’ve got a whole plot about the housewife thing ngl so I’m always a little excited to talk about it

- in line with the domestic au, I feel buttercup would actually be pretty good with kids! Babies would freak her out because she’d be scared she’d break them, but she’d probably be the “cool” babysitter and let you stay up past your bedtime (bubbles is also good with kids, blossom is not)

- physical touch is BC’s love language and she hates when she catches herself leaning into it. Then it goes, acts of service (the whole superhero thing), words of affirmation, quality time (she can have introverted tendencies so this is towards the bottom), and gift giving! (Bubbles would be gift giving, conflicting with BC) (Blossom would be words of affirmation followed very closely by acts of service)

- yeah I def see her as an introverted extrovert. Pretty shy at first, acts cool to cover it up, then really shows you who she is as you get to know her!

And I’ll end it here! I hope you like them sorry again for misreading the ask and only doing Butters!

[lampoest]

Unfiltered thoughts watching mission impossible rouge nation inspired by @chaotically-cas

(sorry its so long my brain is all over the place)

this is also part 14 of me watching it every day :/

CURSING WARNING !! ALSO SPOILERS !!!

why is brandt first to speak

starting out with "shit" good call benji

brandt man we get the package is on the mcfucking plane

badass luther 10/10

nervous benji 10/10

that one sound effects sounds like the discord notif

why he in a fancy suit

*jumps on a plane with almost no plan on getting inside*

why did tom cruise think this was agood idea?

but like why would benji even open the ramp?

how is he not winded from that?

classic ethan

THE INTRO 1000/10

SOLOMON LANE !!

wait you can already see lane in the record shop.

how do they tell the agents these little convos?

also damn way to give it away

what if someone just looked in that room and saw the secret message?

also how did the disc get changed? because the imf definitely didnt make that

and how did lane know where he was going?

speaking of lane---

dang that man is pretty

he always sets guns down carefully

i can only see alec baldwin as trump from his snl skits so i dont take hunley seriously ;-;

damn brandt needs to step it up. man keeps letting himself be inturrupted

bruh the imf is only luck

why did no one resrict his legs?

also why is janik such an asshole?

dang she cool !!

why does it take janik so long to get that gun?

bravo-echo 1-1

this man is bleeding but decided instead of taking care of his wound he calls brandt.

i like how you actually see ethan worried and confused trying to plan his next moves. he is rarely caught off guard so it's refreshing to see his more human side

hunley spitting accusations damn bro

also a big fuck you from ethan to hunley

dang ethan is good

brandts little hidden smile

and ethan leaving trails

bitch how you sketch that good???

STAN BENJI !!

youve won, your way out of a job

benji is good

my little brandt x benji shipper in me is happy

simon pegg is such a good actor

the first time i saw this i was like: aww noooo

all dunn with that

TO THE OPERA !!!

TUX BENJI TUX BENJI

i cant tell if that was ethan

it just looks like youre talking to yourself thats more sus than using a phone

want drama? go to the opera

ok but like if you look like that im sorry you are a bad guy. thats like a stereotypical bad guy face

benji-

you can see ethan in the background of that scene

flute gun flute gun

oh no benji is in the closet. dont worry man we love you

if i were there and i just had a good vantage point i could find lane in an instant

ooh ilsa pretty

pipe gun

also pamphlet computer

those key things are cool and plausible

spiderman spiderman does whatever, ethan hunt can?

a W O M A N

what W O M A N?

reminds me of a marshmallow gun i made out if pvc pipes.

why does she not put that thing back?

also the dude loads it and then later it is unloaded

dang that guy is pretty tall.

ethan is so tiny

dis bitch is like uhh gimmie a sec to catch my breath mate

why he only dropkick people?

only 30 mins in ?!?!

the cinematography is exquisite

yes benji goin sicko mode

*gets shot* just a flesh wound

bruh i would've been so startled at that

i love how confused he is at that

ilsa saves ethan once again

they did this on the first day of filming

skdjs

ah yes random package in car = not bomb totally

if she tried to shoot benji then yes she is a bad person

but she didnt try to, she could've easily but didn't

benji being paranoid

she could just say the dude's name

benji being scared

hunley jumping to conclusions

brandt actually cares yeey

why di they approach from different sides of the street they were in the same car.

benji was far away from the sparks why he flinch?

friendship goals

oop plot dump that only mission impossible can get away with

ok...

why this mf's voice so smooth

lane is struggling with chopsticks

also lane :))))

ive chocked on my water so many times watching this scene

lanes voice :))))))

SHE RUINED HIS SUSHI WHAT THE FUCK ILSA

this man dont know what personal space is

gotta look up these peeps mbti types

casablanca references

also benji is wearing dollar store lookin glasses while ethan is wearing some fancy glasses

luther is top notch

as much as i dont like jeremy renner he delivers these lines really well

because atlee is a bitch

oh honey please, impossible is a walk in the park

benji just wants to wear a mask

id be so nervous walking through those

yes...

personal wellbeing who?

why not bring a plastic bottle full of air?

tom cruise can hold his breath for 6 minutes and he learned to do so for that scene

luther big brain

damn cctv

why did they need to break in while benji was going in?

das sus but ok

also isnt et voila french?

she just randomly tapping the ipad

benji being stressed

if he missed the exact center

i want one of those to open my locker's lock

if he just went with the current and didnt try to force his way against the water ilsa wouldn't have had to save him

imagine if he put the wrong one in-

she is breathing heavily to over saturate her body with oxygen so she can hold her breath longer

see ilsa makes it out without well and she went with the current

BENJI'S OUTFIT YESSS :))))))

no you didn't

you gave her a false sense of security

ethan's confused face for the next like 10 mins is great

liar

why does that one man look like sean ambrose?

parkour

skdjdksjdjdkfjs

the facial acting in this

STAIRS STAIRS STAIRS

the glare yesss

vrrrm vrrm

hey its you !

drivin like a grandma

shit !

benji just screaming

im convinced that ethan is indestructible

no you didn't survive that

bonk

dskfh

ethan didnt just-

also why didnt benji just tell ethan he made a copy ???

dont shoot and drive kids

high speed motorcycle chase with no helmet or leather. tom cruise, how?

i wanna learn how to drive a motorcycle

HOW THE FUCK IS HE NOT DEAD YET ?!?!

the lighting

ofc brandt would be the person why sits backwards on a chair. fkn bi vibes

benji to the rescue

fuck off atlee

i am so proud of us ...

the lines are done so well here

benji lookin like how i look when my parents argue

YES THIS SCENE

LANE LANE LANE LANE LANE

im too fucking gay for this movie-

once again no personal space

*inhales* :))))))))))))))

ive like memorized the entire script of this including the music

1 man performance of m:i5 ???

benji's outfit

also i love how youre able to see the characters in the background. props for the attention to detail

i need that haircut because his hair is lookin A+

fuck you atlee

ilsa spitting straight facts

uhh ilsa he still loves julia

NO BENJI NOOOO

EW FUCK OFF JANIK NO ONE LIKES YOU

speak of the devil-

betrayal--

WOULDNT YOU LIKE TO KNOW WEATHER BOY !??

actin sus

BENJI LANE BENJI LANE

his posture shdhskhsj (i cant be talking though)

0 personal space whatsoever

why does everyone have the same haircut in this???

simon mcburney pretending to be hunt prentending to be atlee

manipulation !?

the syndicate you say ? i know a thing or two about them 😼😼😼

damn though renner delivers these lines really well

a black tie? how informal. ..

complimenting hunt right infront of him

but he really didnt

i never realized that they were on the clock for this

huh...

the lil head nod though-

HAHA YEAH FUCK YOU ATLEE

is it bad that i hate atlee more than i hate lane?

ethan big smart wrinkle brain

janik just reading a fucking magazine

ethan has a photographic memory

oh look its benji :)))

lane :))))

ethan being tough

it must be aquward to get the low angle shots

lane is running out the clock to put pressure on ethan hmmm big brain

it isnt working though :\

damn he so cocky that hes telling the villain his plan

ill give you 1/5 of the money you wanted to get my bf back

ok but like does tom cruise just not age?

kill the woman

ugh i hate janik

the trust that is shown between those two is great

yes the score and the chase are so great

also this man really hates windows for some reason

fuck off janik

sneaky sneaky

EYY ITS LANE !!!

yeyy janik is dead

once again dodging bullets and hating glass

couldve killed him but needed him alive

the glass box

badass ethan

all the pretty men assembled

lane really let himself go aster this

dang though lane is my favorite villain ever

i like how for once the girl and the guy just are friends instead of romantically involved

eyy the callbacks to how the movie started.

welcome to the imf

[valkyrieofsmut]

I should be asleep but this haunts me. What head over heel romantic nervous like tropes so the skeletons usually do? I mean the whole "i can't stop staring at your lips when you talk ." Or "You smile and my brain short circuits." Or "I am usually really smooth but when you come around I get tongue tied." Or "I cant stop blushing when you're around" or "I talk a mile a minute" and etc etc I hope I worded this right

I JUST REALIZED THAT THE WAY I WANTED TO ASK THE LAST QUESTION WAS HOW ARE THE BOYS LIKE WHEN THEY'RE YEARNING FOR THE READER. I'm sorry im sleepy

I think what it boils down to is "what are the skeletons like when they have a crush?" If I'm reading it right. Yes?

Classic- When he has a crush on someone, he plays it cool. He’ll be all buddy buddy with them, and very cheeky/ punny, throwing out humor, but none of this is really different than being really close friends with him- except the staring. In a situation of watching tv and hanging out; friends- joke, watching the show... joke about the show... laughing and watching the show with stupid commentary. Crush- joke, pretending to watch the show, steeling glances at them from the side of his socket. Joke about the show, laughing... watching them out of the corner of his sockets. Joke about the show, maybe a friendly bat with a pillow or soft food item like popcorn... It turns into an all out rough house, tickling, flailing, trying to escape, knocking each other over... whatever he can do to get close to them without it being obvious.

Creampuff- It is really hard to tell when this boy has a crush! And also not at all. He will be more excitable than usual, though he’s pretty excitable already, and he gushes about them, more than he does his friends, which is still quite a bit. It would look a little something like; friend- THAT PERSON IS AMAZING! THEY’RE MY FRIEND! THEY’RE ALWAYS DOING AMAZING THINGS, AND WE DO THEM TOGETHER, TOO! or crush- CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW WONDERFUL THEY ARE? THEY’RE AS GREAT AS ME! I HOPE WE GET TO SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER, SOON! NYEH HEH HEH HEH!!

Red- Strangely, it’s hard to tell when he has a crush, unless you start looking for patterns. He flirts with everyone, and tries to get into anyone’s pants, casually. Friend- heh, nice shirt. it’d look better on my floor. Enemy- heh, if ya wanted me ta fuck ya up, ya coulda jus’ took off yer pants and bent over! Crush- hey, doll, nice haircut, it’ll look better after ya roll around in bed wit me. The patterns are what gives it away. He’ll fluster someone he’s good friends with, or even strangers if he’s feeling it, he’ll also just hit on them and proposition a one off with them. If they say yes, he’ll either tell them he was joking (if he’s just messing around) or they’ll go to it. If he likes what they’ve got, he’ll come back around, play a bit of game, and get another round if they’re agreeable. The next time, less game, and so on until it’s just, “hey, feelin’ horny. wanna fuck?” With a crush, when he jokingly offers a night together, if they say yes, he’ll get flustered, instead. “i- i mean- i was kiddin’, but if ya wanna-!” The second time he comes around, more game, more flirting, like he’s working them up to ask them for the first time again. The third time is like that, too, and so on, and so on, until their relationship changes. And then it’s just a cute little lean over and nuzzle to their neck and a soft, “hey, sweetheart, i got an idea... wanna go do somethin’ fun?” They’re also the only one he doesn’t talk about at all. He doesn’t generally boast about his conquests, but he’ll mention something if some asks about things he’s done, or needs advice. But his crush? He may admit that they’ve been together... but not much more than that.

Edge- One word- tsundere. He for some reason always ends up having to be in the same place that his crush is. “IT’S NOT LIKE I’M HERE BECAUSE YOU ARE! I JUST ALSO HAPPEN TO NEED TO DO LAUNDRY TODAY!” He also has a tendency to do things for them because of their “incompetence”; “JUST LET ME DO IT- IT’LL BE DONE FASTER!” Somehow, this mess of a boy can manage to be super abrasive, but also super sweet at the same time. And the glare when he’s trying to hide a blush... pretty cute...

Blue- The most noticeable thing? He’s quiet. And very talkative. In shifts. It’ll make your head spin! “I REALLY LIKE THIS ONE SHOW THAT’S ABOUT THIS HERO WHO CAME TO EARTH AND WAS CONFUSED ABOUT THE CUSTOMS HERE- I RELATE TO THAT A LOT SINCE IT’S SO DIFFERENT FROM MY HOME- AND THEN HE HAS TO DEFEAT THE BAD GUY AND HE HAS THIS PERSON HELPING HIM THAT IS REALLY COOL AND HAS NO POWERS BUT A LOT OF SKILLS, AND WE SHOULD WATCH IT TOGETHER SOME TIME! WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SHOW?” *silence as he listens intently* He also stares a bit (a lot), and is silent while they just relax together. He’s also somehow made them believe that he’s just a super cuddly skeleton! He wants all those cuddles! ... so he can practice what makes them comfortable, and when they’re all comfy laying there one day, he plans to smoothly nuzzle them, and say, “You Know, We Do A Lot Of Cuddling For Just Friends... Do You Like Cuddling Me? ... I Like Cuddling You, Too... Maybe We Should Do More Than Just Friendship Cuddling... Maybe... I Could Kiss You, And We Could Work From There?”

Stretch- He might be the hardest to know. He has that thing where he doesn’t really like someone, but somehow, he still ends up being nice to them...? what the fuck... god damn it... i meant to tell you to go eat dick, not that your shoes are nice... hell... And the emotions that show on him the easiest are amusement and irritation. So he could hate someone and be laughing at their misfortune, but they think he’s just sharing friendly comradery. The easiest way to tell if he likes someone is if he actually spends time with them, not just, he happens to be in the same room and they’re both watching tv, but, he actually meant to find them and sit down to watch the show with them. Maybe share some snacks.

Black- For some reason, it seems like he’s always just trying to control some people, but... he’s really just trying to be friendly and spend time with them... It’s just a bit awkward when you don’t know how to people in a society where you don’t have to pretend to hate everyone, or be sucking up to them or that you're more forceful/ powerful than them. Back home a conversation between him and Alphys might go, “ARE YOU GOING TO COME EAT LUNCH WITH ME, OR GET WEAK AND DIE?” (want to eat lunch together?) “Fuck off, I’m doin’ other shit.” (can’t, have to finish this work/ bullshit) “OH, GOOD, GO EAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND’S TWAT, THEN!” (fine, be like that (friendly)) Nice, friendly conversation! But he’s lost here, and when trying to show affection, he’s just so caught up on how much danger it will put on those he loves/ wants to love, so he tries to protect them by making it seem like he’s big and tough, and forcing them to hang out with him- so that his enemies don’t hurt them.

Mutt- He cuddles them. He becomes super cuddly. But he's from the same world as Black where any affection puts a target on their back, so, by being super cuddly, he's basically taunting everyone else, telling them that he's not afraid of them, and he can take out anyone who tries anything, he won't even have to let go of his crush. Come on, bitch, I dare you to try, with a dash of, the second you get too close, you're dead, and a whole lot of, this person is mine. They're mine. Mine! Mine mine mine! Touch them and die. He actually loves that due to the cultural differences, his crush thinks he just wants to cuddle all the time, but he's actually being super territorial and getting his scent all over them so there's no mistaking it. They are his, and anyone who challenges that will be at the wrong end of a burst of overkill attacks.

Axe- Protecting. When he has a crush, he wants to make sure they don't get hurt, and will do whatever it takes to do so, including stalking like behavior, threatening those he thinks has put them in danger or maybe just done things he doesn't like, like make them uncomfortable.

Crooks/ Bun- He wants to be around them. He wants to spend lots of time with them, and take their wants and preferences into consideration. He'll stand up for them, do his best to find and give them things they like, and always try to defer to them. He's ace, so there's not a lot of making out, tension, that kind of thing, but there is lots of fond, friendly, loving cuddles.

Dusty- You won’t know. Hell, he won’t know. He’ll have no idea, just start the yandere insanity of, “i’m really obsessed with this person... i must be really wanting to kill them... i wonder why...” So... until about forever later, when he figures out that he doesn’t want to kill them, they should probably stay far away.

Ask Masterlist?

[argumentl]

The Freedom of Expression Ep 31 - All members of this band caught Covid-19.

K: Hi, this is Dir en grey's Kaoru, with this week's episode of The Freedom of Expression.

Joe san, Tasai san, welcome. So, today, we have a guest. Please introduce yourself.

Y: Nice to meet you, Im YG, the bassist of Jack Caper.

J: Wow, thats an impressive...

K: He stands out, right? I think everyone took notice as soon as he appeared on screen.

J: Right, he looks different from anyone else.

K: Yeh, like 'Eh?!'. Well to begin with, the headcount is different .

J: Yeh, its different. The extra one is this head.

T: *To Y* Have you always had this haircut?

Y: Yeh, well, since summer started. I decided on it this summer.

J: Why that hairstyle again?

Y: Well, I wanted it to feel cool (*as in breezy*)

Kami: It does look cool, right?

J: Hahaha.

K: He said it does look cool, haha.

J: It got a reaction from Kami. He said it looks cool.

Kami: Ah, Im Kami-sama. Pleased to meet you.

Y: Pleased to meet you Kami-sama.

J: He's not a very impressive god.

K: Yeh, exactly. haha.

J: He's one of the lower ones.

Kami: Im really not such an impressive god. I really can't do anything.

J: He gets ¥1000 p/h 

K: Ok, so as to why he is joining us today, his whole band caught coronavirus. So, I thought we could talk about what it was like.

J: This will be a valuable testimony.

Kami: Its a world first, right?

Y: Yeah, its the first case in the world of the whole band catching it.

J: Unbelievable, its not like you could apply to Guiness, but...

K: Yeah, this won't be a Guiness record, haha.

Y: I'll be happy if its recoded as ???*1

J: So how did you all catch it?

Y: Well, its not exactly clear, but it started with our vocalist, and we think that was probably from within a live venue somewhere. And after the vocalist, the other members were tested one after the other, and we were all positive. So we all recieved treatment.

T: Was this in August?

Y: Yeh, August, the vocalist first displayed symptoms on the 13th. And one by one the other members did after that. I was the last, I got symptoms on the 16th.

J: I also know some people who have been infected.

K: I was shocked, right? haha

J: No, not me! A few people I know...but I've forgotten what they said about it, so, could you tell us what happens after you test positive?

Y:  So, you get a positive result, and then in my case, I was hospitalised.

J: Oh, hospitalisation?

Y: Yeh. Well, its probably different depending on the district..districts with free hospital space, or districts with free hotel space. I think there are even districts with no hospital or hotel space free. But I was just straightforwardly hospitalised, within the same day.

T: So, did you have a fever or a cough or anything?

Y: In my case, I had a cough first, and I developed a fever of 38.3℃ on the same day I was tested, just after i did the test. I got the positive test results two days later, and was hospitalised with those symptoms.

J: In what way was it different from a regular cold? What was hard about it?

Y: Well, it was mainly like influenza...high fever, cough, weariness...Also, its often said that you experience loss of taste. I didn't have that, but the other members did.

T: Like loss of smell or taste?

Y: Yeh

K: But you get that a bit anyway when you catch a regular cold, right?

J: Well, yeah, you do. And if you get a fever, you  can't move around much anyway, but.. all the members had this?

Y: Yeah.

J: What was it like in hospital?

Y: Well, in my case, I was in a room with one other patient. We weren't allowed to leave the room, except for shower and toilet.

T: Did you speak much to the other patient?

Y: We didn't speak at all!

J: Was it another corona patient?

Y: Yeh, his symptoms appeared so.

J: Ehh, no conversation?

T: Wasn't it tough?

Y: Well, honestly, I was only thinking about how I wanted to go home. That was pretty tough...the stress..

Kami: How many of you were hospitalised?'

Y: My symptoms were kinda moderate..

Kami: No, no, how many of you?

Y: Out of us five, only I was hospitalised.

J: Only you in hospital?

Y: Yeah.

J: Were the other members in hotels?

Y: Um, two were in hotels and two were at home.

J: So, how did you end up getting discharged?

Y: As for the flow, I had a PCR test every two days in hospital, and after I got two negative results in a row, I left hospital.

J: So its like, if the tests are fine, they say, 'Ok you are free to go'? You didn't have to do anything after that?

Y: Not really, no. They just requested me not to be in close contact with people for two weeks.

J: Just 'requested'?

Y: Yeah, nothing stricter than that from the hospital.

Kami: Eh? After leaving hospital?

Y: Yeh, after being discharged.

Kami: Eh? Even after two negative tests you were told not to have close contact with people?

Y: Yeah, just in case. But as for work, I could restart as long as I kept to this advice.

Kami: You could restart work? As soon as you were discharged?

Y: Yeh, they said that was ok.

Kami: But they asked you not to come into contact with people?

Y: Yeah, they said to limit direct contact with people.

Kami: That seems pretty difficult.

J: Yeh, it does. It would have been easier if they just told you don't meet people.

Kami: After getting a negative test result, and being told you can restart work, you can't be in close contact with people? It seems pretty difficult to understand.

Y: I think they meant like normal situations, like this...like, don't stand near people to talk to them and stuff. Or, refrain from going out to eat with peope, and stuff.

T: How long were you hospitalised for?

Y: 14 days in total.

K: Ahh, two weeks, thats tough.

T: How did you feel when you were given the all clear to leave?

Y: It sounds funny to say, but it was like coming out of jail. Like, 'Back to reality!'

K: Were you charged hospitalization fees?

Y: Not for the first ten days after symptoms appear, but I had to pay after that.

J: So out of 14 days, you had to pay for 4 days yourself?

Y: Well, I was hospitalised a few days after my symptoms began, so I paid for the last 7 days.

J: It seems kind of a unsatisfactory, if you are forced into hospitalization.

K: Well, isn't it the same with any illness?

J: Well, yeah.

K: Like, it can't be helped.

J: Well, yeh, if you are hospitalized with a cold you'd have to pay. Have you had any lingering symptoms?

Y: Out of all five, there is still one of us with no sense of smell.

T: Even after a month?

Y: Yeah, still one with no smell.

K: Thats pretty scary.

Y: I asked just now on Line, and he said he still couldn't smell.

J: Not at all?

Y: Like, recently we all tried smelling our drinks, and he was the only one who couldn't.

J: Are there any parts of it that you were dissatisfied with, or any parts that you thought were handled really well?

Y: Like, inside the hospital?

J: Yeh. Its probably ok for you to summarize what its like in Tokyo, right? Which area were you in?

Y: Arakawa ward.

J: Is there anything you thought they could have done better?

Y: I was grateful that the process leading up to hospitalization was so smooth. They sent a car to my house and stuff. They were really prioritizing me staying away from other people.  And even in the hospital, the nurses and doctors really looked after me.

J: Conversely, was there anything troubling about it?

Y: Yeh, some people were being discharged before they had two negative test results. The government covers the fees for the first ten days as I said, and you have to stay in hospital for at least that time, but after that staying is optional. I stayed and paid for it, even though it was optional. I think it would be better if the state paid for it until a negative test result happens.

J: So there was quite a lot of people leaving before they had a negative test result, for financial reasons, right?

Y: Yeah, for financial reasons.

J: So, that might end up being a reason why the virus spreads more.

Y: It might be, yeh.

J: That kinda leaves a bad taste...

Kami: How much did you pay in fees?

Y: For me it was ¥30,000 per day.

J, T: Eh!?

Y: Thats with insurance.

T, J: ¥30,000 with insurance?

Kami: So, how much did you actually pay?

Y: After that, I got the bill, and it was less than that, so I was relieved.

T: Ah, you paid for seven days?

Y: Yeh. So in total...at first they said it would be ¥30,000 per day, but I got the bill afterwards, and it was about ¥155000.

J: Oh, not bad, right?

Y: Yeah, its not bad.

Kami: So you paid ¥150,000? Im struggling to understand, could you explain again?

J: He likes talking about money, haha.

Kami: How much did you pay?

Y: I paid ¥150,000, actually ¥155,000.

J: Thats with insurance, right?

Kami: Out of pocket?

Y: With insurance, yeh.

Kami: And how many days was that for?

Y: Umm, seven days.

Kami: I though it was only from after ten days?

K: Ten days from the start of symptoms. After that it costs you.

Kami: Oh, is that it? So you paid for seven days.

Y: Yes, I paid for the optional longer stay.

K: This was already explained earlier.

J, T: Hahaha.

K: It was, right?

Kami: Eeehhh?

T: There should be some way to get it back in taxes, it may be a good idea to check.

Y: Thats what I'll have to sort out from now.

J: I think this is a problem. It sounds strange to say it, but in terms of income, low earners have a higher chance of being infected than higher earners. Naturally, rich people won't be getting on packed trains everyday, they will be going to crowded places far less, it some how ends up like that. But if you pass that ten days, and have to pay out of pocket, there will be people who can't. Its like, how is this gonna go? There will be people who don't have the money, and just decide to go home.

K: Yeah, there will be.

T: When corona first started it had this image that it was life threatening, right? But once people actually catch it, their impression might change to it not being that bad. What did you think?

Y: Yeah, when I caught it, I thought it wasn't as bad as I expected.

※On screen note: Symptoms differ depending on the person※

Y: It was like influenza.

J: What kind of reactions did you get from people around you? Were they worried about you? Or were they trying to stigmatize you?

Y: There were both. I had some messages from people in my home town who I barely spoke to before asking me if I was ok, and some derogatory messages from people I don't know.

K: Well, the way the media has dealt with this issue from the start, had been to blame people going out drinking, or enjoying entertainment, thats the image. Its not the case all of the time. But you think you picked it up from a live  event or something?

Y: Yeah.

K: So live shows have that kind of image too. But we don't really know where its originally coming from.

J: Well, as long as infections keep rising, we won't be able to trace it in real detail. Have you had any detailed explanation about that?

Y: I just had a phone call after our vocalist tested positive. The members were then recommended to get tested, and arrangments were made for that.

J: Were you asked about your recent activity?

Y: Yeh, what I did on which day etc. And my temperature at the time.

J: I see. So, at the moment they are saying you will have anti-bodies if you've caught it once, but there have also been reports that the anti-bodies might not last very long. What do you think about that? Have you had an anti-body test?

Y: About a month after all of us got symptoms  and when we were all close to total recovery, we had the opportunity to do a broadcast, and we all did an antibody test at that time.

J: And the results?

Y: The results were that one of us didn't have a lot of antibodies, but the other four did. That was about August 16th *2

J: So its been about three weeks since then. Are you gonna continue to have antibody tests from time to time?

Y: Well, I don't have plans to at the moment, but its a good idea.

T: What kind of talks have you had about how to contine band activity?

Y: Well, forward looking, focusing on putting out material. We've already re-started live shows, so we'll be putting our energy into that.

K: Oh, you've started lives?

Y: Yeah.

K: Well, if your band has antibodies, its easier to move.

Y: Yeah, its safer.

J: Now is the safest time.

K: Right.

J: In relation to corona, its the safest time.

K: People who have antibodies could all do a live?

Y: Ah, us too. Thats interesting.

K: ???? *3

J: But infection numbers are culminating in Japan, so if you think about it, its kinda of the reverse idea.

K: Hm, but if you really think about it, the numbers are still small.

J: How about that? As a band, do you wanna try it?

Y: Yeah, I do. If it was a success, it might help return the music scene to normal.

K: Well, we have to keep moving, little by little, otherwise nothing will start.

J: Yeh, thats it.

K: If we don't try, we too will be always waiting. If there's any chance to get moving, I want to take it. So if these guys can get moving even a little, I can kinda begin to see the light. So, do your best.

T: It puts out a good message, right?

K: Yeah. Ok, well, lets end here. Thank you very much for today.

Y: Thank you.

K: Please subscribe.

T: And check out Jack Caper!

*2 Dates right??

*1, 3 Couldn't catch

[yuri-cocaine]

few thoughts about the nier raid under the cut:

red girl’s slight similarity to crystal exarch was really cool imo. summoning a tower that opens a gate to another world, even saying the “throw wide the gates” quote. the intoner/queen beast final form was so pretty *_* she could be a sin eater with that design too

that raid was really tough OOF tho it’s kinda funny that in nier automata you fight the red girls as A2 by NOT fighting them at all. you don’t get a choice here tho

speaking of A2, she didn’t appear in the raid ;-;

the story is more about anogg and konogg plus the dwarves, with the nier stuff as set pieces. im a bit disappointed by that, but the dwarves are so cute so i’ll let this go

i wanted the caster set so bad i queued as a black mage. i guess im really good at blm now because i managed to pump out consistent dps while running for my life. sucks that i can’t rez anyone tho, because at one point the whole party was dead except me and we had full lb BUT I COULDN’T REZ THE HEALERS AAAAAAAA

....2B’s bob without the blindfold paired with it looks like the ultimate karen haircut. I WON IT WITH A 99 I SHOULDVE SOLD IT FOR 32 MIL ON BALMUNG ;;;o;;;

anyways. i have enough lore to work on for ai now so it’s all good

[audiodramatist]

alright Tangled Wooden Overcoats time @labelleofbelfastcity

- the story starts the same, magic flower, sick queen, etc. 

- the man who’s been using the flower’s magic to stay young for ehh, 500 years? shows up to try and steal it back, but finds twin babies with long blue-black hair that fades to a dull, human shade of brown-black when cut.

- he doesn’t know which baby is magical, so he goes “fuck it” and takes both

- Antigone and Rudyard grow up in the tower with Father Gothel (get it because he’s goth) (the twins seem more scared of their father than mother in canon so im swapping it so he’s the big bad) 

- i don’t want them to be stuck there for 35 years because that’s hella sad, so maybe we’ll bump all characters down to like, early 20-somethings. older than rapunzel but not canon age.

- their daily activities are quite a bit more... grim. Father Gothel is a quasi-immortal mortician and he’s like “hey kids do you want to play with taxidermy?”

- Madeline has Pascal’s role, she’s closer friends with Rudyard than Antigone (likely because of his Disney Princess Animal Communication) and rides on his shoulder or head for most of the adventure.

- Eric is a gentleman thief on the run from the palace guards

- his “a long long time ago...” moments are references to the storybook that inspired his life of crime

- the entire smolder scene but with Eric Chapman, Mr. Sunshine Man. the charm actually works on Antigone, but the twins are tag-teaming the interrogation and Rudyard is immune. 

- upon breaking the twins out, Eric quickly realizes that they’re uncomfortable with sunshine and fluffy animals and general cuteness, and is like “my god do i have a place for you”

- he takes them to the Ugly Duckling, full of smiling, social townsfolk! they hate it! success! however, everyone fawns over Chapman so much that he’s pulled away from them, and the twins (mostly Antigone) start up the I’ve Got A Dream sequence

- except that they’ve convinced everyone to embrace their dark side. the lovely old confectioner wants to hunt down murderers! the baker wants to blow up a mine! the sweet, patient secretary wants to kill!

- uh oh here come the guards looking for Chapman. and one of them has a particular grudge.

- Eric Chapman has charmed his way out of capture one too many times, and Georgie Crusoe isn’t having it. she’s strong, determined, and multi-talented, and she’ll catch that thief by any means necessary. 

- unfortunately, the Funns have their own strange charms, and she’s willing to reach a truce with Chapman in order to make them happy.

- i actually think Antigone would be the one who wants to see the lanterns, and Rudyard is on the adventure just because he doesn’t want to be left alone. Antigone is the one who forces Chapman to help them, Antigone stands up to Father in the woods, Antigone realizes that they’re the Lost Princesses.

- oh yeah rudyard trans but like,, rudyard always trans amirite (although tbh i’m usually also an “antigone trans” person and im sacrificing it for some au details here)

- See the Light is in a hot air balloon. u can pick ur flavor, antman or chapyard but i have more Thoughts on the chapyard version so here it is (also i relegated rudyard to comic relief for this whole plot so far & i think he should have a nice moment)

- Antigone’s “See the Light” verse is about how she can finally see herself in a world that isn’t her tower-mortuary and how she wants to be in control of her life, while Rudyard and Chapman get the more romantic part :P

- when Eric “betrays” the twins, Antigone is hurt but determined to stay out in the kingdom, and Father knocks her out to get her back. Rudyard doesn’t believe that Chapman would leave, and suspects fowl play, but Father threatens to hurt Antigone if he doesn’t come with them, and so he follows.

- Madeline stows away in the boat when Chapman’s tied up and sent to shore. He gets captured immediately, but Madeline finds Georgie, and they go to gather the Piffling residents from the Ugly Duckling for a jailbreak.

- oh those two guys who Eric did crime with are also Father’s assistants. they dont go to jail yet because i want Georgie to fight them later lol

- so its a tower confrontation! the twins are chained in the tower with Father. Madeline sneaks through a window and picks the lock on Antigone’s chains quickly, but Rudyard’s are stuck, and she still can’t get them undone as Chapman shows up & promptly gets stabbed but he’s still standing so it can’t be that bad, right?

- Georgie is facing off against Thing 1 and Thing 2 down in the field below, and she’s tough as hell but half the size of one of them and it’s not sounding good.

- Antigone sees Madeline still hard at work on his gives Rudyard a “you got this?” look & he nods (even though he totally don’t got this) and she disappears into the shadows

- Father starts looking for her but can’t find anything until he & Rudyard hear a decisive “snip” from the rafters

- and Antigone swings down on a rope of dark brown hair and out the window, the last bits of magical blue fading from her now shoulder-length hair

- hey Eric is looking decidedly worse now. so is Father, to be honest. but as long as he still has Rudyard, he’ll survive.

- and Madeline finally gets through the lock

- Rudyard jumps to try and heal Eric, but broken mirror, surprise haircut, you know the drill. Madeline trips the rapidly-aging Father & he falls out a window! yay!

- Rudyard’s like Excuse Me We Just Watched Antigone Cut Her Hair How Could You Do This??? but obvs Eric doesn’t die because it’s a disney princess movie

- they all go back to the castle, antigone is an incredibly competent princess and rudyard is the kingdom’s beloved prince for all of 2 days before everyone is like “oh wait he’s an asshole lmao”

and then everyone lives happily ever after

[sunflowerstache]

Honestly, god damn. I can’t remember the last time I did not wear a mask outside my house. I literally can’t. Well, if I’m just going in the car for a drive, I won’t wear one. But you bet your ass that if I’m going into a store (which I only do cause some things I need can’t be delivered or aren’t offered for store pickup WHICH IS ABSOLUTE SHIT) going through a drive thru (I’m too drained to cook sometimes) riding the bus, seeing friends (from a distance. We don’t hug.) getting a haircut. to work. I WEAR A DAMN MASK EVEN IF IM NOT REQUIRED TOO!! and right now, it’s not so bad cause it’s winter. Running outside to give people their orders (I work at a food place) isn’t so bad cause it’s cool out BUT WHEN IT WAS FRICKIN UPPER 90s and LOW 100s!?!? I WAS WEARING A DAMN MASK!!! like god, is it that hard? I have to wear one for 7 hours a day, 5 days a week 1. Because I have too 2. Because I want too 3. And it’s an act of courtesy. I’m just real pissed at him cause everyone thinks it’s alright. ITS NOT. I doubt they’d say that if it were their mom. Is it okay cause he’s famous? Is that it? It shouldn’t be.

I’m sorry. I just needed to rant cause no ones talking about this and now you’ve talked about it, so I just had to rant to someone who gets it.

no it’s okay! you can rant all you want here, about anything!! trust me, I understand your mask struggle! Weraring one for 8-10 hours a day since March has been so hard (not nearly as hard as like health care workers, I give huge props and admiration to them because of the horrible mask situations they have to deal with every single day) but we know it’s right and we wear them so we know we’re doing what we can to try and stop this from spreading! Just remind yourself of that when it gets tough!

[summerinsacramento-blog1]

Seeing the forest when you’re stuck in the trees

One week later, I feel rationally better. My heart hasn’t caught on, but I don’t feel the deep sting I felt before. Now, it’s a numb little tingling that I can ignore. Every day, it’ll sting less and less, but its probably gonna be a point of sadness I hold for years when I remember what 22 felt like. And that’s fine. I have years to heal and move on. I turn 23 in 27 days. That can be the night I officially start a new chapter. One without my last love, but a year where hopefully I feel self-love that I never felt before.

With that said, I am writing this while listening to The Weeknd’s new album about how hes heartbroken for the umpteenth time, so we’ll see how this goes. My friend said I should actually listen to this now, as its what I need. Ricky if youre reading this and I hate myself after this, it’s on you.

This is the story of a young boy who is processing heartbreak in a new city, new career, and a new frame of mind. This is the story of what I have learned in the last week, when my life was pulled out from under me in what I believe will be the best possible way. It sucks now, but I’ve learned something, tangentially related to the relationship.

The title

In order to understand this, I want to start by letting you see who I am. I graduated from college in 2017. It hasn’t even been a year since I stopped living my life in terms of “you have 3 months to prove yourself, go.” Until today, I never realized just how much that had affected the way of life I was living.

My mentor today totally slapped the shit out of me with this one: “Stop thinking in the now. Do what will make you happy 10 years from now. Everything is else is just experience. Not everything has to work.”

That man met me 4 hours ago as I type this, and he’s managed to being me back from a stage of confusion to clarity.

He then hit me with this one: youre not playing with the same rules anymore as when you were in college.  You’ve been living on 3 month blocks of time. You need to learn to work towards a deep future, which you do not have the vision for now.

It hit me immediately that he’s right. For the 5 years since I left home, I have essentially lived my life in such a microscopic scale that I never learned how to see past the tree I was currently on. I lived life climbing a tree, seeing what was coming, and walking to that… but that means that I followed a track. I went from class to class, job to job, woman to woman, hoping to get what I wanted, but the thing is

You can only see trees that are in your field of vision that way, and this is incredibly slow.

Also,

this assumes you want to stay in the forest.

I’ve been thinking about this all day, because I need to learn how to think that way and get off the trees and start walking. I need to go to town and make friends that will last years here. I know I have the same feelings in Phoenix (more on that down the road), but I can’t leave myself with no options in Sacramento. I don’t even mean romantically here. What if I still don’t know what I want? What if I make a Friend in Sacramento with a haircut business and he trains me to be his recruiter? What if I meet a young couple in Sacramento, and they pass me all of their furniture because they’re leaving the city to start a new life? What if I meet a kid in Sacramento who needs a mentor and I commit to making his life better? What if I meet a woman in Roseville who runs a night club and she wants to pay me to be a stripper?  What if I what if I what if I what if I get out of the house and find out.

Both he and my trainer have pointed out to me that I cannot rely on my job to bring me happiness, I have to make it on my own, and I have every intention to. I will be leaving my apartment in 3 weeks and moving to the city. Density is the greatest asset of a city; the only finite resource you have is time. So Im starting a journey of self discovery. I’m joining the sister chapter to the club I loved the most while at Arizona State. I joined a volleyball league. I’m going to every work social from here out for young people – I refuse to wallow in the sadness anymore. I already told the girl I loved all the good and the bad. Everything from here on out is overkill. I won’t be sad, as itll sully the memories of the times we weren’t. Don’t be fooled, I am hurt, but I am taking it as a good hurt instead of sinking to the dark place I was in 2016.

 Speaking of 2016: The Dark Descent of Drunk Depressed Jairo

(For the sake of the other people in this story, I am changing names. If you are my friend and know, cool, but I don’t want to breach their privacy as I share mine)

This story actually starts in 2015, and I sat on it for a long time. It was during an event I ran. Three powerful figures that still mar my self-conscious were there. Girl 1 was texting me throughout the day. Girl 2 and 3 were there. I don’t want to drop too many details, but I remember thinking “Girl 3 is super nice, but I shouldn’t hit on her because she won’t appreciate it.” I had been trying to get at Girl 2 for weeks. Girl 1 was dumb as all hell for being interested in me and getting me first down the line.

I dated Girl 1 for a year. The second half of that year was the most miserable point of my existence. I remember I asked my friends if I should leave at month 5. They said I needed to give her time, and I suffered for 6 more. All this time, I kept having constant desires to leave her for Girl 2 (I NEVER acted on these. It was more of a “why does this girl treat me better than the one who claims to love me?), and she was jealous of Girl 2. I can’t blame her. My 21st bday was during that time, and after ending things I started being a degenerate in plain view of everyone. I am not proud.

But it was okay, I was on a high tree and I knew the kind of tree that I would climb. Drunk me wanted to climb, and there are entire weeks of my life where I drank every day.

Give it like 2 months, and I was starting to talk to this girl, I’ll call her girl 4. I thought that was the tree I would climb next – and boy did I try. We even agreed to go on a date. It never happened though, because in the days in between, I definitely linked up with Girl 2, sort of fast. Just as fast things ended.

Anyway I managed to fall from two trees in like 3 weeks, and I was going nuts for 6 months after. This is where the spiral took off. My grades took damage and I lost interest in most things, and I was so hurt that my search for my future was taking so long, and I kept getting hurt while trying. Why was this forest so thorny? I gained like 20 pounds in liquor weight, which I barely got rid of recently.

That is, until I linked up with Girl 3 once again in 2017 and this time by accident. We were together for what are the happiest days of my life so far. There will be better days, but I haven’t seen them yet. At least not so concentrated. Whatever it was though, I loved her for who she was for a year, and I want to believe she genuinely loved me back.  It did hurt, however, that I always told her the above story, and I would say that I finally picked the right girl. I was on the right tree.

As of last week we know that isn’t true. She cut off the tree under me, but she did it at the right time. And actually, it was on the 3rd anniversary of the day those three girls flowed together into my life.

I was sad because I was on the ground. Tired of climbing and thinking I finally climbed the tallest tree in the forest and found the best spot, only to tumble.

But there was another force at play that I never saw coming. Her name is Girl 0. There is no romance there, we are just good friends, or rather, were. Eight years ago – she was my best friend in 8th grade before we drifted apart. She came back into my life to make sure I was okay, and in the past 6 days we’ve rapidly realized that were good friends still. That gave me so much perspective. Time moves on for everyone, but my best friend from middle school and I collabed for another album ten years later, and with no resentment. She’s coming to my 23rd birthday and that’s exciting!

I also realized that I no longer have resentment for G1 ort G2 since almost 2 years have passed, and I won’t resent G3 at some point. Well, I don’t resent her the same, but one day I’ll either stop missing her, or will feel differently than now – I can freely admit she was the most special girl of my life, and she’ll be a tough act to follow. I kind of wish me moving 800 miles didn’t drive us apart, but I’m also glad it did because now I have to force myself to walk along this forest, no matter how scared I am. I will grow from this. G4 is engaged now, to the boy that she would link up with after me. I’m happy for her, genuinely.

  Regardless, that was the lesson I needed. I need to step down from the trees. Its time I start walking and stop looking for anything in particular short term. I can’t go through this forest one tree at a time. I need to pick a direction and walk it. That’s scary because I don’t know the future, but it was scary before, and I made little progress. Maybe this scary time is what I need. Maybe I need to just keep going and remember that the first 18 years didn’t count, the next 4 were a trial period, and the most recent 1 was me playing with the rules that no longer worked. I got X amount of years left, and I gotta make them count.

 On a similar note, I would like to thank every single person who came out in support of me. You guys are the best, and your friendships, some way old and some way young, have helped me remember that I am loved, and that I am never truly alone.

On another note: The Weeknd’s album was okay and did not make me feel sad. The man almost gave Selena Gomez a kidney though, so maybe he was in deeper love than I was.

On another nother note: If you take the height of the 8 girls I consider exes and plot it, it makes a sine wave with an average around 5’4”. If the pattern holds, the next girl I date has to be taller than me. We’ll see, but maybe I’ll start climbing again, just differently now.

[resmarted]

here i am again, smashing the crystal vases and good china, ravaging the beautiful dining room and chucking antiques across the room. i want to be done here, i want to be done here! i want to move on, but to what? i can’t remember how to even be a person, i can’t find the light and this tunnel is so dark and endless, we don’t even have headlights to guide us. i came here to bring you on a date in the stylings of nineties classic it takes two starring kirstie alley and the olsens, except instead of mka we are switching them out for young taylor swifts, that’s right two of them, which is all i could think about the entire time i rewatched it again. so here goes nothing, we open on a street corner in philly because this is our version and the ahhccents are gonna be mewr sewth philly than ahhhnything. taylor swift number one, let’s call her taytay the scrappy orphan that has self-professed lousy english like aintcha gonna wanna git ewta here before they catcha? nobody even blinks and in pigtails and a worn out backwards baseball cap on her head, this ten year old who is probably played by an eight year old swift bc coming from a fellow tall person we just sprout from the crib it’s nuts, i’ve always looked older than i was from being tall. so eight year old swift is playing ten year old scrappy orphan taytay who is always chewing gum and has a baseball bat as kirstie alley (YOU.) look out the window and yell at her like, cmahhn tay! you got an appt with the butkis’ and i told u not to get that dress dirty! and tiny taylor chewing gum is like awww cuhmuhhhhhn doi-anne! just lemme knahck this one outta the pawrk first! that’s not the line it’s something else referencing the fact that they’re playing in the middle of the street of their inner city neighborhood. she is the pretty white girl of the orphanage so it makes no sense she hasn’t been adopted but is of course the star athlete of the kids and favorite of the social worker you-kirstie alley. she is accosted by kids and called a reject and lil taytay’s all why i awwwghta! she’s making her best >:| face, and pop goes the weasel she hits the ball and probably breaks a window or something and as she runs to the cab the kids are like, the butkis ppl are creeps that collect kids! and taytay is tayrrified before threatening the other kids with her fists in the air as the cab drives away. cut to a close up of a nineties cellphone and private plane landing, and taylor number two is wearing a practical pantsuit in beige and just won another piano competition, and she overpronounces all of her t’s at the end of her words. let’s call her fancita. yes i’m serious, i’m already so tired and bored of this story, it was way more exciting after rewatching the other night. whatever this story is just a remix of the parent trap anyway and that’s why we have two baby swifts and don’t ask me why, don’t ask me why i’ve taken you this far down the rabbithole but let’s just keep going until we find each other. so fancita is an aristocratic princess that plays tennis and i don’t know, i’m just trying to get to the part where they are like omg let’s get this social worker and rich man who has a cell phone company before that’s even a thing, and while orphan taytay is in danger of becoming the next adopted butkis - which in this version is just straight up trafficking ring i mean come on, they were pedos and it was heavily insinuated in the movie, but basically she’s in danger of being adopted into an abusive hellhole and fancitay is like hey girl hey! when her butler arrives to pick her up from her private jet. the nineties always portrayed wealth with these long ridiculous limos and british butler limo drivers, which as we now all know rich people are just driven in cars w tinted windows and the only people riding in limos are seniors in high school, but i digress. she meets her new soon-to-be stepmother, also played by taylor swift, present day style. she’s all, when i was your age i had already been through three stepmothers, you’ll be in a tibetan boarding school as soon as the wedding is over tomorrow! for this she is in her satanic red high priestess dress from lwymmd, golden snake rings at all. actually let’s just say at some point she’s bathing in diamonds as well, i mean there are many versions of her current snake-embraced image that we can use for this but that’s not the point, it is that im not even in love with grown taylor swift! i am just trying to fill the void of my dead wife who loved children and built a camp conveniently across from the literal castle we live in. i haven’t been there since, pushes back hair like sigh, since she died ten years ago right after fancitay was born. i’m all, cell phones, i hate the damn things. back when i invested in them everyone thought it was just something out of star trek and now i’m a lonely billionaire marrying snake taylor in a haze of confusion and thinking that’s what i should do, fancita needs a mother after all. you’re a tough talking protective mama bear that wants to adopt orphan taytay but you’re just a social worker and what? the butkis’ already had the paperwork go through to adopt her?? i come to find you after a failed horse meetup planted by the taylor twins to apologize for leaving you to get yelled at by steptaylor, and you’re like look keep your fancy cell phone company lifestyle and keep it moving, bucko! in the movie they get into a food fight but i’m not trying to go that deep, but basically we fight until you, an enraged four foot two version of kirstie alley okay you’re actually just a tiny goth and i’m a clumsy ogre, that part never changes. you push me with all your might, not necessary trying to push me into the river but it happens and i’m all, oh my god i feel like a kid again! this must be love! okay but seriously, that part’s the realest. i do feel like a kid again, and this must be love, mustn’t it? what will our tiny taylors tell us? we don’t know what it is or why, but it makes sense because we feel it, i can feel you. even when you say to your fellow social worker friend (played by your bandmate and beloved drummer) guys like that only date girls with food names like candy or muffin or cookie, and princess taylor disguised as orphan taylor turns around from her archery practice, greatly offended and snapping back, his dead wife was a teacher that loved kids and built this camp and she wasn’t a food her name was kathy with a k played by kourtney in a brief shot of her glamorously in a casket but dripping in jewels and hands delicately crossed over her chest. whatever, goth kourtney fantasies are not the point ok i know that. you look at princess taylor disguised as pauper taylor and are like well excuse me jeez, you don’t gotta bully me over it. sigh so then the state comes for her and accidentally send my daughter to some terrifying child sex ring that nightmares are made of and turned into dateline episodes, and this one is no less horrifying. orphan taylor shows the butler various scars and marks and bruises to show that she’s a fraudulent child that happens to just be another cute blonde that adults didn’t look closely enough at and notice bc they aren’t actually twins in this story, they’re just strangers that look alike. which honestly is prob when they first really started making the olsens insane irl like, pitting them against each other by pointing out fraternal differences and how one was the cute one the other was just the sister oh, don’t even get me started, dear. steptaylor comes home with ultra long extensions like repunzel after sneaky orphan taylor put gum in her hair. the original she gets it all cut off and suddenly her loss of beauty is signified by a short haircut which is so dumb and we just can’t agree with something so stupid, so in this she comes back with thousands of dollars worth of hair that isn’t hers just to prove her worth and appeal, which honestly is much sadder than a short sassy do any day. we get to the home of the butkis’ but no one answers and a neighbor who in the actual movie looks exactly like mike, like no shit just put a bass on him and it’s like every dude in a band probably but him specifically - unless i hallucinated it, the point is! he originally says oh that guy works those kids into the ground at the factory all day, or something like that, but in this version maybe he just shudders bc everyone just gets the pervy vibe from this butkis guy. the door gets kicked in as they are just about to initiate her into the butkis cult of abuse, and i don’t know i think it just ends with like, kirstie alley and the dad kissing? like they don’t get married or anything i don’t think. which leaves so many questions open like, if they do end up getting married, will the taylors become friends? will fancita resent taytay for taking up space and attention away? or will she be so grateful for good mother that everything will be fine and normal and fall into place? it seems like they’re all destined to end up on doctor phil. i mean, what happens when this bonehead (me) doesn’t continue to invest properly and his dumb luck cell phone business inevitably plummets because by the late nineties they’re a dime a dozen and each one is a sinking ship. what happens when they go bankrupt and all have to be poor, will they stay together? will princess taylor be like this is all your fault you’re bad luck with your poor people vibes! bc she can’t understand the crashing economy and how this is just what happens to people, one day you can be rich and the next totally broke, and it’s not really anyone’s fault. are you going to still love me even though i am horrible at saving money is what i’m asking? like, can you just quietly move money around in my accounts for me and put stuff in my savings when i’m not looking? because if i see literally any extra change i’m going to be like time to go eat giant cheeseburgers and drink ourselves into a coma! i got a groupon for a hotel stay in florida, let’s road trip! i know what your biggest concern is besides money and it’s because i know you like the back of my head (not at all), but the answer is no, steptaylor drowns in a sea of snakes at some point because i don’t have time for a decent end for her. i feel like it should be more feminist, like maybe she gets a job slinging mary kay and in the process realizes not only is she a boss at making her own income but that she doesn’t even need the amount of makeup she had been using before. she has like her own spiritual journey in the background somewhere far, far away from us and our super exclusive love, as well as our twin daughters taylor one and taylor two. i have completely forgotten their names by now but i’m just here to see if you even still love me. well? do you??? i’m just trying to prepare you for when i’m like, starting every other sentence with “you know when my wife died…” at really inappropriate times like, to a cashier in the checkout line or just in bed when we are having a romantic evening that i was bound to spoil in one way or another, so it may as well be with dead wife talk. you will probably just laugh and attempt to smother me with a pillow for being so, so embarrassing. i miss you i love you i hate you i don’t know you. i want you. do i ever even say anything else anymore? i mean it is halloween season so technically i don’t have to be original, right? you are the only ghost i could ever truly love, and that’s saying a lot seeing as how i arrived to this world haunted. pls tho, don’t ever stop being my best boo.

[beesmygod]

do you have any advice for people who are just.... tired of fighting? people who are mentally ill and don't have the emotional energy to fight anymore, but can only stand on the sidelines and support others taking action. i feel like im in survival mode right now, not even paying attention to most news about trump because i'm so incredibly exhausted that even trying to pull my head out of the sand seems like it would be detrimental to my mental health. what can people like me do in the meantime?

this was me for so many years. i totally understand.

it comes and goes. these exhaustion are waves, not permanent declines. the weather fucking sucks, s.a.d. is out in full force and the world is really bad. this is a really tough time to be depressed in.

my advice for the short term:

1. try to do at least 1 constructive thing a day: like “do a load of laundry” “wipe down kitchen counters” or “do homework”. something that’s attainable and has a clear ending. soon it becomes habit, instead of a chore. and youll start to want to get it out of the way earlier and earlier in the day until its the first thing you do. then...you have potential time for more things and you’re standing upright so you might as well do stuff. its like that new fucked up engine nasa’s working on that builds up propulsion over time using tiny amounts of energy. its a little trickle before the dam can burst.

most importantly it helps create a living environment thats overall better. idk about you but when my rooms clean i feel at ease.

2. dont beat yourself up: and if you can’t do that? man, aim for the next day. habits dont become habits overnight. they take time. do what you’re capable of. not what you THINK you should be able to do.

3. hygiene hygiene HYGIENE: THIS is hard too, i know. but this is another thing that i guarantee you will at least make things 10% better at LEAST. scrub your face, clip your toe and fingernails, get a haircut, take a hot shower with a nice smelling soap. hell bring your phone in there and listen to a podcast while you take a bath. make it enjoyable. and please brush your teeth 2x a day. your teeth are super important and a pain in the ass to fix after the fact.

4. ask for help: on one of your “do one thing today” events, look up free counseling in the area, or see what your insurance covers. look for people with similar problems who are recovering or making strides for recovery. surround yourself with people who can and will support you when you fall backwards.

5. put your blinders on, temporarily- the world fucking sucks right now. cant disagree with that. and i think exposing yourself to endless parades of bad news doesnt do anything but compound how helpless we feel. its like, you can put out a small fire in your trash can but the inferno raging outside is still there. my constant thought process was “theres so much bad in the world, how can we ever hope to do any good?”

so...block yourself out for a while and create a peaceful space to recenter yourself. block news sites, tumblr, twitter, whatever you need to. i use stay focusd if i need some breathing room.

i guess, in summary...you need to make a space (physical and emotional) where you can unpack things healthily. plants dont grow they dont have the basics. same with people. you say you only have the energy for others, but you’re just expending what energy you have on others. its okay to do something “selfish” if its for your own good and no one gets hurt. youre not taking up anyone’s time but your own. and you have a whole lifetime of time. 

be comfy, anon. try your best to do good for you for a while. see how it goes.