#i want barbie to be the next rocky horror picture show but for girls who behave like damian from the omen and adults who get blackout drunk

[vampirehowl]

if we are ok with me being completely honest my dream version of this upcoming barbie movie is written and produced by david lynch and werner herzog in addition to the current use of White Couple Weekly. do i think that this would probably end up in a murder/suicide? yes. but thats a risk im willing to take in the name of Barbie

[dafukdidiwatch]

FoodFight (2012)

The origin story of Sausage Party and The Emoji Movie

I honestly don’t really know where to start with this film. Like I’ve heard of it, I’ve seen reviews of it, I was so sure I wouldn’t ever see this trainwreck because it looked and sounded so bad.

But honestly? This was an amazing film to watch. I don’t even know where to begin because I genuinely enjoyed this movie. This was a fun shitty trainwreck of a movie.

Let’s start with the obvious: The animation sucks. Like the designs are bad, the world building is bad, the animation is bad. Body movement? What body movement? The only body movement we need is arm waving and twirling and nothing else. And those are for characters they were trying for. The Humans, if there are any, are the literal worse with either being amusement park mascots at best or mountain troll monsters at worse. Yeesh they were bad to look at. In fact, a lot of characters in this movie are just, very ugly all the way around.

Celebrities: I feel so sorry for these people. Apparently it took 12 years to make this (like, wtf first off), so a lot of the “big names” they got in the day sort of faded away out of the public light. Not that I actually give a shit about it they got paid either way. I just think out of all of them, Wayne Brady was done dirty. He didn’t deserve to be in this movie, he deserves better than having his name listed in FoodFight. Tim Curry is a riot no matter where he goes, still bringing in his Dr. Frank-n-furter Vibes all the way around. And Christopher Lloyd wasn’t in for long, but by god does he leave an impression. A terrifying impression.

Why are actual food brands in this movie? Ms. Butterworth, what are you doing in here? Charlie Tuna, The Pickle Stork, Mr. Clean? I can’t tell if they did them dirty or not because they are barely in the movie anyway. The most screen-time of them went to Mr. Clean just for the bald clean jokes. It’s like playing Where’s Waldo in finding out where the notable brand icons are.

It’s also fun to play “Who the Fuck is that guy?” because there are a lot of brands being parodied here. Captain Crunch turned into Shitty Admiral Chip Peg. Chocola is a disco gay vampire bat. Some weird disturbing french cheese men....no idea who he is for but hey! That’s what the game is for! Trying to see what their ugly abominations were supposed to be in the light of day.

The only “decent” animated characters are the main one: Dex Dog-tective who speaks nothing but puns, every sentence. All the time. You want to start a counter on all the food puns he makes, but you also don’t because I’m sure it’s in the Hundreds. It also doesn’t help that he is like...furry bait? That’s the best way to describe him since he is like the Better animated characters they tried to make him handsome so...furry bait. Then we have Sunshine Goodness who is a terrifying uncanny valley creature which is just an anime catgirl that the animators decide to give up half way and hope her dead eyes give out the allure she has. But uh oh, watch out Sunshine, Lady X of Brand Ex is coming in with her twig-ass Dominatrix Barbie outfit trying to seduce your man...a talking golden retriever. Her dead glass eyes have its sights on seduction and world domination one fetish at a time.

I’m not kidding about the fetishes either, this movie is just throbbing with sexual tension. In the worst way. Like you think the food puns are a lot? Well the sex innuendos are giving them a run for their money. There is so many sex jokes. So many tension of the “oh the bad guy good guy flirt? Hwot” This is supposed to be a kids film and yet you are having jokes of raisins = nipples, chocolate = dicks, "I'll have you roll over and begging for mercy" is too sexually charged for this movie like.....AHHHHH. I fear for the children who learn their kinks through this movie. And that’s just the verbal! The visual is sexy dominatrix. Sexy plaid school girl. Sexy villain nazi-stand-in dominatrix. Sexy Tango. Sexy...sniffing?? God they were trying So so so hard and it pissed me off to no end: 50% in-credulousness because who the hell thought this was a good idea to have kids watching this, 50% anger because I’m somewhat pissed that some unfortunate lines had the gall to be actually good for romantic tension....if it WASN’T TIED TO A BAD FETISH FILM! Like, you can have sexual chemistry, but when sky planes fly out of someone’s vagina you know it’s a fetish film.

But hey, enough stalling, let’s actually talk about the plot of this movie.

It’s Casablanca.

Like dead ass Casablanca.

After losing the love of his life a grizzled detective man ends up running a club where he has to face off against nazis. This is deadass Casablanca where Rick had a dark romantic fling with a nazi at a grocery market. The decisions they went with like the bad rendition of the French National Anthem to be food themed that I could barely hear. Brand X having a nazi-like salute if someone misspelled YMCA with one letter. The...actual weird torture murder scenes? This movie was wild enough, you didn’t need to add in death to the mix. They even had the side characters from Casablanca being in here like the Moose guy being the piano player, and the weasel looking dude being the....weird ass dick weasel in this movie.

And now, some random lines that I liked:

"I just want to be loved"

"Whats the point if having luxurious hair if you can't look yourself in the mirror"

"Oh Yeah, sure, no prob, except I don't have a death wish"

"But you were recalled?! And butt ugly!?"

Overall: I honestly swear to god believe this could and should be the next Rocky Horror Picture Show. This is that level of just...badshit craziness where everything is wrong and beautiful that we can laugh at it all. This needs to have like, it’s own riff track, audience participation, SOMETHING because there is too many golden moments to let it fly by.

If you can get your friends and tell them NOTHING about this movie and see their reactions. Because that is what I’M going to do with mine.

[artificialqueens]

Touch-A, Touch Me (Trixya) ,- Palace

A/N: Hey, I’m back, finally haha! It feels really good to be writing again so let’s hope I can keep this up :P Anyways, heres a Trixya high school au Rocky Horror one shot type thing :) I hope you all enjoy it!

It all starts when their school announces the musical that year will be The Rocky Horror Picture Show. How the theatre group managed to convince the head teacher to let them do Rocky was still a mystery to Trixie, but hey, she wasn’t going to complain.

Considering that their theatre group only consists of thirty people parts were given out fairly easily. Courtney was Janet, obviously, Aaron had been cast as Brad, and Willam had threatened to destroy anyone who tried to take Frank away from him. Roy had reluctantly agreed to be Dr Scott, but that was mainly to please Courtney who he’d been trying to make fall in love with him for around three years now. Danny was looking forward to being ‘killed’ in his role as Eddie and Justin was just glad his countless years of being Riff Raff for Hallowe’en were finally going to pay off. The teachers had managed to rope some guy from the football team, who was in need of extra credit, into playing Rocky, but no one was complaining because, hey, the guy looked good in tiny gold shorts.

The problem begins when Trixie and Katya are inevitably cast as Columbia and Magenta respectively. Of course, when they are initially cast it isn’t a problem at all, this is a dream come true for both of them, and who better to roll around with one another during Touch-A-Touch-Me?

The problem arises when they’re doing just that, rolling around and laughing whilst singing backup to Courtney’s ever perfect vocals. Katya jokingly pins Trixie to the ground, her hands held above her head with Katya straddling her middle and smiling manically down at her.

Trixie finds herself staring up at Katya in awe, as if she’s finally seeing her. Of course, this kind of behaviour isn’t odd from them, Trixie and Katya are always all over each other. However, this time around there’s something different. Maybe it’s trying to convey the undeniable chemistry between Columbia and Magenta, or maybe it’s seeing Katya in that damn maid outfit, but all Trixie knows for certain is that she’s never been more attracted to her best friend.

When she brings it up to Courtney during their third week of dress rehearsals, one week away from opening night, she has to all but clamp her hand over the girl’s mouth to stop the squeal that begins. Courtney soon composes herself and apologises to Trixie for overreacting.

“I’m sorry Trix it’s just… Well… Can I be totally honest with you?” Trixie fixes Courtney with a puzzled look and encourages her to continue. “Okay so this was supposed to be a secret, but, like, all of us have kind of been dying for you two to get together for years.”

At first Trixie is shocked but after the initial surprise fades and she actually thinks about what Courtney is said, she realises that she isn’t actually all that surprised. She and Katya are closer than close and have been mistaken for a couple more times than the two can count on four hands, Trixie reasons that it is only natural for her friends to be thinking along similar lines.

“Oh, Trixie I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset you, did I upset you? It’s just a bit of a joke really. You know the same way we say that Danny is in love with Roy.” Courtney laughs in an attempt to relieve some of the tension which has settled between them. Trixie attempts to join in with the laughter but falters horribly as unfortunately she is the only one who Danny has confided in about the fact that he actually is in love with Roy, she wasn’t about to tell Courtney that though.

“It’s fine Court, honestly, I expected as much to be honest. I just I don’t know what to do. It’s driving me mad, and I think there’s a chance she could feel the same way, but I don’t want to ruin our friendship.” Trixie takes a shaky breath and Courtney looks at her with concern clear in her eyes. “She means so much to me I can’t lose her.”

Courtney places a hand on Trixie’s back and rubs slow comforting circles in an attempt to calm the girl.

“Okay I’m going to give this to you straight, I think you should go for it. There’d be absolutely no harm in telling Katya that you have feelings for her. She’s your best friend for crying out loud. She isn’t going to disown you. If anything, I think it’s far more likely that she’ll jump you the second you tell her.”

With Courtney’s advice and her feelings for Katya weighing heavy on her mind Trixie continues with the last full week of rehearsals, enjoying getting to run through Touch-A, Touch-A, Touch Me over and over just a bit too much.

She tries to ignore her feelings, pushing them to the back of her mind and attempting to forget that they’re there, but every time Katya smiles at her with those perfect white teeth or wheeze laughs at something she says her resolve fails entirely. Yes, thanks to Rocky Horror Trixie could confidently say she was head over heels for her best friend.

Despite her inability to suppress her feelings nothing actually happens between them until the wrap party. Party in this case meaning that everyone had gathered at Katya’s house to watch the original Rocky Horror.

Katya notices that something is up when Trixie chooses to sit on a single chair, rather than squishing in on the couch beside her like she normally does. The second warning bell comes when Katya attempts to get Trixie out of her seat to dance to Rose Tint My World with her and the girl refuses.

When Rocky finishes and they all disperse into the kitchen or to the bathroom, before another musical they have all seen too many times is inevitably put on, Katya spots her chance challenge Trixie’s strange behaviour and asks the girl to help her find something in her room. Trixie, of course, follows.

“What is it we’re looking for?” Trixie begins, moving further into Katya’s room. Before she can get a response the door to the room is shut and Katya stands in front of it, a mischievous glint in her eye.

“Alright Tallulah, tell me, what’s going on?” Trixie audibly gulps but chooses to feign ignorance.

“What are you talking about?” Katya rolls her eyes and approaches her best friend.

“You’ve been avoiding me Trix, don’t try to deny it. What’s going on?” Trixie looks down at the ground, avoiding Katya’s eyes. “What’s wrong Barbie? You know that you can tell me anything.”

Taking a deep breath Trixie finally meets Katya’s concerned eyes. In that moment, her mind is made up, she acts without thinking. Surging forward she connects their lips in a heated kiss.

Although surprised at first Katya soon relaxes into the kiss and accepts Trixie’s advances gratefully.

When they finally break for air Katya smiles brightly at Trixie. “God, I thought you were never gonna do that.”

They fall back on Katya’s bed, Trixie pinned beneath Katya whose hands are roaming all over Trixie’s body. She brushes teasingly past Trixie’s nipples, taking delight in the gasp it elicits from Trixie.

“You were driving me mad in that costume Trix. Your perfect tits looked so damn good.” Trixie gasps again as Katya removes her top and finally touches her.

Katya sits back on her heels, still straddling Trixie, and smiles down at the girl. “C’mon Trix, touch-a touch me.” She snorts at her own joke but is promptly silenced by Trixie flipping them over in an attempt to take control. “You’re not that sly Tracy.” Katya leans forward to suck a hickey into Trixie’s neck while reaching around and working her bra off.

As soon as her breasts are free Katya moves away from Trixie’s neck to blow cool air over Trixie’s hard nipples. The shudder that runs through Trixie’s entire body is enough encouragement for Katya to continue. She runs her hands up Trixie’s sides and slowly over to her breasts cupping them in her hands. Trixie is about to go mad when Katya finally leans down to lick softly at her nipple, her hand rubbing the other in teasing circles.

Trixie is heavily panting, overcome by the pleasure Katya is giving her. Desperate for friction she grinds down on Katya, finally getting a response from the girl below her. Realising what gets her a response Trixie smirks and grinds down again, taking delight in the breathy moans coming from Katya.

Gaining confidence Trixie pushes Katya back so that she is lying down on the bed. She slowly works her way down the length of the girl, undressing and caressing as she goes. When she finally gets Katya down to just her panties, the girl now a writhing mess beneath her. “Whose sly now?” Trixie smiles triumphantly before finally sliding her panties off.

Truthfully Trixie doesn’t exactly know what to do now, she was being brave in taking control but she’s only read about the part that comes next and quite honestly, she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do.

Before she has time to panic Katya is sitting up and pulling her in for a slow kiss. “We can take it slow. It’s okay. Don’t feel like you need to rush into anything for my sake.” Trixie nods slowly and kisses Katya again.

“What did I do to deserve you?” She asks smiling sweetly at the perfect girl in front of her, who she is most definitely in love with.

They fall onto the bed kissing again, slowly things get more heated and before long Trixie is begging for more. Katya, being the loving and giving person that she is, gladly complies with Trixie’s wishes, taking two fingers she moves her hand down between Trixie’s legs and makes slow circles on the other girl’s clit.

Trixie all but screams out before Katya silences her with a kiss. “Shh, I know I’m amazing but try to remember that all of our friends are still downstairs.” She giggles and continues to rub Trixie, the soft pants and moans coming from her is like music to Katya’s ears. Trixie comes with Katya’s name falling from her lips, the sight is enough to make Katya follow her shortly after.  

They lie beside each other on the bed panting for a while, Trixie moves to cuddle up to Katya, slotting into the other girl’s arms perfectly.

“So… That was fun?” Trixie says after a while with a small laugh, Katya joins in and before long the two are laughing hysterically with one another.

“Yeah, fun is one way to describe it Trix.” They lie together in silence, content just to be in each other’s presence.

Their quiet is disrupted when the door to Katya’s room flies open and Courtney storms in. “Guys!” Trixie squeals and dives off the bed in an attempt to hide herself while Katya laughs hysterically at the look on Courtney’s face. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise.” She turns on her heel and walks out shutting the door behind her with a bang.

“See, I told you they were fucking.” Comes Willam’s voice from the hallway.

As if Katya wasn’t already laughing hard enough she cackles even louder and falls off the bed because she’s flailing so much. Trixie climbs back on the bed, bright red with embarrassment.

“How are you laughing right now?” She says, shoving Katya’s shoulder when she finally gains some composure and climbs back up on the bed. “Courtney just saw us naked!”

“Exactly! It’s hilarious, did you see her face?!” She falls into hysterics again leaving Trixie to roll her eyes. “C’mon Trixie literally nothing can make me unhappy right now, I am the happiest I have ever been. My best friend, the girl I’ve been pining over for years, finally made a move! I’m on cloud nine!”

Trixie’s resolve breaks when Katya smiles at her, all big and toothy with the most adorable look on her face. “Yeah, okay, I suppose you’re right. Besides, it’s not as if we’ve never seen Court naked before.” They both laugh at that one. Let’s just say that Courtney Jenek and a bottle of wine can lead to some hilarious and strange situations.

“So… You’ve liked me for a really long time huh?” Trixie swears down this is the first time she has ever seen the other girl blush. With a smirk Trixie crawls over to her. “Well, I can’t say I’ve liked you for years, maybe I have and I just didn’t realise, but I’ve wanted to kiss you for at least two months now.”

“Oh really, so pretty much around the time we started Rocky rehearsals?”

Trixie smirks. “Yes, you and that damned maid outfit.”

“My maid outfit, wow, I’ll have to keep that in mind.”

After some more kissing Trixie and Katya get dressed and head down stairs to face their friends. To say that they’re all excited would be the understatement of the century. When the initial onslaught of questions finally dies down the group settle in to finally watch that second movie.

Katya sits on Trixie’s lap and rests her head on the crook of her neck. In that moment, surrounded by her friends with the girl of her dreams in her lap Trixie realises that Rocky Horror might’ve been what they needed all along.