#i want to cry but i cannot and i cannot do anything to stop this and my irl friends are far so im just ? no support system outside my family | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

deerlottie · 1 day

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Hi, I was sick. Now I'm thinking about pull-out Nat, who -on a split second impulse, due to jealousy perhaps- nutted inside and now paces on the other side of the toilet door as you take a pregnancy test.

And she knows she'd be a lousy dad and doesn't have money because she's just a shitty fucking snot-nosed brat, and you're fucking seniors and you cannot have a goddamn BABY but secretly desperately wants this, she wants to hold their tiny little hand and tickle their little feets and buy them an impractical fucking outfit with baby sunglasses and a a baby misfit tee and baby jeans and little baby goddamn boots and the tiniest leather jacket and she thinks about how the baby might have your eyes and her hair and how she'd spike it up into a little mohawk and you would laugh and it brings a little smile to her face but when she hears you cry on the other side of that door it brings her crashing back to Earth and she bottles her shit up and tells you she'll come up with the money to take care of it (meaning abortion) and that she'll be with you every step of the way and you can decide what you want to do with it, and she will support you. You say your life is over but she wraps an arm around you and lets you cry, leaning on her shoulder. She doesn't say anything. She knows she fucked up. This is all her fault. She can't apologise enough for that so she just lets you cry and holds you tight.

- your friendly neighbourhood 🦪

she's gutted when you want to abort it :( but it's not really her decision to make and of course she supports you 100%. i feel like she'd let her feelings get in the way at first - nagging you about if you really wanna abort it and she stops once she realizes that a kid is something you don't want. especially not in your senior year. she'd literally kill anyone in school who talks shit about you too - getting into so many fights because this asshole was talking about how much of a slut you are, or because ppl wont stop staring at you.

feel like you'd feel some type of resentment towards nat as well. i mean, it is her fault. she couldn't control her emotions so how could you trust her with a child if you did decide to keep it? you feel anger towards her when people look in disgust as you walk the halls, or when your parents curse you and nearly kick you out when they discover what happened. but you need her with you as you go thru all this.

sometimes she still looks up baby clothes and imagines buying them for the baby that won't be born, sometimes even adding it to the cart. she goes with you to the appointment and it's the worst day ever for the both of you. she's trying her hardest to keep her emotions in check as she waits outside while you get the operation done. you don't talk to her for a few days after. you're with her, because she feels an obligation to take care of you, but you just are silent. and it kills her.

#🦪#natalie scatorccio thoughts 💭

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 9 months

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ohhhhmygod im gonna be sick. actually nauseous and i did it to myself - there was a spider on the countertop and i Panicked, grabbing the first distance-killer i could grab. it was a grease cleaner spray. i buried it in the stuff, walked away to recover mentally, came back

it fucking fell apart and dissolved into the cleaner. i both feel horrible and im disgusted beyond words. how the fuck do i get rid of it

#slamming my face into a wall repeatedly #i cant leave it there to deal with after Sleep #bc my cats like to go onto the countertops when no one is looking #and i dont want either of them to get poisoned #but i cant rinse it into the sink with the faucet hose bc there's stuff in the sink #but idk if i can bring myself to do dishes with That next to me #and my fear of spiders is so intense that i Cannot get close enough to take care of it with a towel or somethin #im very good at fucking myself over in various ways!#if i had an appetite id lose it. permanently #what if! instead of dealing with it! i curl up in a corner and cry #except im not gonna do that ive filled my tears quota for the year & doing nothing wont help anything #sorry for venting again i just. ohhhhh this is horrible this is Terrible #if i still had my whacking stick id tape a big wad of paper towels to the end and clean the mess up that way #from a Distance!#absolutely unprompted #i wish i wasnt so terrified of spiders #they scare me So much....#the point of feeling physically ill! and like sobbing! or panicking! and this spider was Big!#i wish they'd stop coming into the house.... i hate killing them but i cant function knowing theyre there #but i can't force myself close enough to put them in a cup and bring them outside #so now i have THAT on my counter. disintegrated spider.#life is too fucking much lately... jesus.... i should really just bite the bullet and get this shit over with #no use waiting a month in perpetual terror unease and guilt. do it scared yk yk #im tired of my chest hurting and not being able to eat! i dont like it! i need change! terrifying horrible change!

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spacemancharisma · 1 month

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#I don't know how to do this #I don't know how to fucking do this #I had a fucking Hours long crying breakdown after my parents left today #bc i'll never be fucking good enough for them #but if I say anything then we're acknowledging it and maybe it's better to not acknowledge it #maybe we just go back to ignoring the distance #if I say anything then I’m the bad guy again #I don't want to have to do this I don't want to have to keep being the one who steps forward first #I just want to stop trying and let it be what it is and let it hurt in a dull distant way #i've started crying again just from thinking about it #and I don't cry. I haven't cried more than like a light sniffle in three years until today #(bc of antidepressants)#I don't know what to do #I don't want to make it worse I don't want to hurt her feelings I don't want to be the one that starts shit #and I knoowwww I’m gaslighting myself bc she trained me to do this and I Cannot ignore the. two hour bathtub sob #but god what if I *am* the problem what if I *am* instigating and actually we had a good day #what if I’m expecting too much from her and this is better so maybe this is as good as it gets #do I bear it? do I bear it because she can't?#I know it's not fair and I know i'm hurting but maybe that's better than her hurting #do I just carry it for both of us?#I’m not a kid anymore I don't have that excuse #maybe this is womanhood. carrying it so your mother doesn't have to #she's carrying it for my grandmother. maybe this is just it.#I don't know. I don't know what to do.#I’m so fucking tired and it hurts #whatever.#vent #sad kids with bad moms club

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running-in-the-dark · 4 months

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and I'm having thoughts again

so I've been watching that John Larroquette interview that I reblogged on repeat for half an hour now and I'm just. man I am so very....... okay I'm trying not to say that I'm stupid anymore but god what else is there to say. it's making me feel like my brain just turns off and all there is is static and [insert very high frequency screaming sound].

like I would love to be able to have actual thoughts about this shit but I am not. I just love love love people who think about shit and face their issues and work on getting better. and talk about it. like it's just a thing that happened. because it is. it's not 'oh you did bad shit in your past so you're fucked forever now'. it's 'bad shit happened, I did bad things, I confronted it, I made different choices' and that's it. I just. man I'm feeling really emotional and am probably gonna have a good long cry about this now.

#one thought that I had when my brain stopped just loudly screaming at me was #oh I totally always think I wouldn't ever end up in a cult. because it's not something that would appeal to me and shit. I'm suspicious of #anything like that. one person claiming to know everything and all that #and it just hit me like. DUDE. you would absolutely 100% end up in a cult if the right guy was leading it #like if he had a cult that I could join right now? oh dude I'd be so in. kinda joking but also like. come on I am so fucking obsessive I #would absolutely fall for that #(and lets not even get into the whole thing of actually getting attention from the person I'd be obsessed with. oh it'd be bad. it'd fuck #me up. I'd be so easy to convince if we're being honest....)#but anyway I just. I don't know #honestly though? I just love studying one person at a time from afar like. hi I would immediately explode if I ever met this man I could not #handle it. but I can absolutely find out everything I can about him and study him like. something that normal people would study idk I'm #insane.#anyway man that was a weird tangent #true tho.#I don't want to make light of actual addictions like alcoholism. I'm not. addicted I guess. but I'm absolutely fucking obsessive about shit #and I absolutely know it cannot be healthy to keep doing this #like dude you have no life because all you do is watch other people live theirs. why am I studying this man's life like it matters. it's not #making anything better. knowing every damn thing he did in the 80s will not make up for the fact that I don't have. anything.#fuck now I'm really crying oh well this really took a weird turn #fuuuuck.#personal

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sherlock-is-ace · 5 months

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#really fucking struggling to see the point of anything anymore #i've been silently crying for almost 2hs but i don't have time to fully spiral cause i have work to do #but yeah... i just can't deal with shit anymore i'm so tired #as i've said it already idk if it was on another vent post or i said this to my partner #but i feel trapped #i feel like i've been tied up and gagged and i cannot move or break free #and it's driving me INSANE #i just want it all to stop #i'm tired #personal #angel talks

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fantasyoverreality98 · 7 days

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why do I always seems to have massive breakdowns at approximately 11:30 PM

#seriously this always happens #it's always right before midnight #i get sudden waves of sadness and nostalgia and then want to scream #why am i having an existential crisis over writing #i haven't written anything in so long #do i even have the skills to write anything decent anymore #how did my insecurities get this bad #imagine loving writing so much it was your reason to live #and yet you cannot even bring yourself to write two paragraphs #why am i sitting around planning Baldur's Gate 3 fanfic #and why is it ascended astarion of all things #i hate ascended astarion #maybe i've gotta do it though #maybe writing the bg3 fanfic will help with my writer's block #help why am i so sad #i am literally going to be on an amazing trip in three weeks and instead i am melancholic over the past #i miss my old friends #but i refuse to message any of them and be ignored again #so instead i will cry about it for a bit and then move on with my life #stop it right now ky #get over this #it is time for bed you do not need to have a breakdown

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theres-whump-in-that-nebula · 2 months

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There always seems to be one kid who just screams like a tornado siren, all day long, at any given opportunity. Like, kid, I love you, you are precious and deserve all the happiness in the world; but please for the love of god shut up. There are people trying to learn here and you’re not helping them or yourself.

#I don’t like being harsh with people in general but if one child is raising the tension in the room to a fever pitch every single day #making it incredibly hard for the kids who are trying really really hard to focus when they already have focus issues #and because I know this specific kid gets absolutely spoiled rotten at home and is allowed to do whatever they want #you know… sometimes it helps to show the kid how they sound to others by demonstrating the obnoxious nature of The Scream #because when the parents do Jack Shit about teaching their kid discipline and courtesy; you have to be a parent in their stead #But do NOT continue to scream. You are an adult with adequate emotional control. Screaming should be be done EXTREMELY sparingly #and only utilized for demonstration purposes or to stop a brawl; not for bullying or intimidation #Don’t do a JoJo Siwa and TRY to make kids cry even though you may get stressed enough that you want to escalate on purpose #Again: you are an adult with adequate emotional control; don’t escalate unless the overreaching plan is to deescalate #if eliciting a startle response will stop harmful behavior and “snap them out of it” for long enough for you to get through #or if they just need to let all their emotions out at once so they can lose enough of that high energy to think critically #then sure #but you have to guide them back down very carefully and calmly; it’s a precise science #Don’t be mean about it; be genuine in your feelings and don’t go overboard. Genuine ≠ mean unless you’re evil #Or if you don’t feel emotions very strongly (like I do) then react like a “normal” person. Lie about being angry or sad if it is appropriat #Again: Your goal should not be to get the kid to do what you want; the goal should be to get them to feel good enough #so they are ABLE to do it in the first place #And the goal should also be to show them how their actions affect others if they are not aware of it #“Teach a man to fish” and all that. Don’t always check them; get them to check themselves #If a kid hits another kid when they’re angry at something completely unrelated; then 1.) redirect destructive behavior #and 2.) walk them back over to the kid they hurt and say:#“Look at [name]; look how sad you made them. [name] didn’t do anything to you #It’s okay to be angry but we CANNOT hit people when we are angry because it hurts and makes them cry.” Works great #Always remember there is a power imbalance inherent in EVERY child-adult relationship and NEVER abuse it #And if you’re not patient or emotionally stable enough to work with or have children; then don’t. Please don’t.#Children are not cute little dolls to play dress-up with; nor are they perfect angels; nor are they your personal stress ball #Having children is NOT A GAME. They are PEOPLE who will grow to be your age one day and everything you do affects them #Sorry I’m just tired of all these parents who shove iPads in their kids faces so they don’t bother them. You’re giving them an addiction

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widevibratobitch · 2 months

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#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa #something is Wrong lol #i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches #all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now #but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit #and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on #to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back #like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend #i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect #i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back #but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms #or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations #or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings #or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af #because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff #im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility #i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn #but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself #and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc #i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself #and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it #i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do #i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it #and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person #<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation #of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT

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khlur · 10 months

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every time i talk w my parents i have to remind myself not to get swayed by their doting affectionate act.

#i mean see #becoming older has made me recognize and appreciate them for a lot of what they did #but to say that i am doing anything except lip service to them rn would be an exaggeration #our relationship has improved but i have made it clear that i never intend to live with them ever again #that the honeymoon period will last 2 days max #they'll cry their crocodile tears #and the emotional abuse will restart like it never stopped #that the physical abuse would have continued if i didn't threaten them by throwing chairs and a knife #like....these past few months have given me such fucking WHIPLASH #it almost makes me forget just how dysfunctional our dynamic has been #how i got away relatively well adjusted because i psychologied myself through clinical and counselling psych classes #how they refuse to take the blame absolutely for my brother's issues surfacing now in his adulthood #ever so often something so viscerally twisted will happen on a call or on the group chat which makes me want to hurt myself #and that serves as a wake up call abt how bad shit used to be #and how glad i am to be away from it all #but every few weeks i will be lulled back into thinking that maybe things weren't so bad #i'm also swayed so much by the people around me rn who hesitate so much to talk about anything that isn't small talk #either that or they're people who really love their parents and enjoy spending time with them #and i'm like....respectfully i cannot relate and neither can the bamboo rod that once broke in two bcs of how hard my parents wielded it <3 #and ofc when families come up in conversation everyone acts like it's a normal thing for there to be ups and downs #w so much unsaid and implied about how i'm actually an ungrateful POS who can't appreciate their parents sacrificing so much for me #hehe. no thanks. keep ur judgement to urself

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thegirlwholivesin-delusion · 6 months

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Oh god give me strength

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mieczyhale · 6 months

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one of the guys that runs a reaction channel i've been watching for ages just announced that they're ending the channel next year bc he got a job offer and he's getting married and he's thinking about his family and his future and like...

my son in christ you are 21

i literally want to fucking die

#dont get me wrong! good for him! i'm happy for him #but he really said he started the channel when he was younger (turns out that was 18) and it felt like time to move on #i am 31 and only got the job i love a year and a half ago #i have been dating and living with the same person for... 10 years in 11 days and all i've ever wanted is to get married #(and be a mom but i dont think im ever getting that one but im gonna go ahead and focus on that one zero percent or i'll cry)#i say. like all of this doesnt make me want to cry lmao #i am so incredibly blessed to have what i have. like truly i ended up with the perfect sort of life for my awkward mentally ill ass #but i cannot NOT spiral just a little when people younger than me have the things i want so so bad and then also talk as if their young age #is older than it is. i know you feel mature and older but you are still so fucking young. and okay honestly - now that im rambling - thats #just part of it huh?? i mean a lot of the spiral is actually Wow. I really lost so much of my life (so much time. so many opportunities) to #mental illness and other shit i couldn't control and there are people who didn't fucking have that. there are people who didn't have to #deal with any of that!!! honestly!!! and you just.. dont do anything to prepare for the future when you do not expect there to be one for #so long and then you can't stop fucking everything up and then oh look! you're in your 30s and-#god i cannot fucking do this #it is 1:35 in the morning and im tired but now i feel really stubborn about going to bed. i should. i want to. but also i dont.#actually going to bed is where The Horrors are so #this really was the dumbest fucking shit i think im gonna go to bed & play p.m on my phone and try to be a little less pathetic #maison speaks

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liinos · 10 months

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saw a reel of some kids at an orchestra camp that looked suspiciously like the one i was forced to go to one year... worst experience of my life!!!

#when i tell you i think there are things stemming from that experience! my parents were actually so wrong for making me go...#my mom CRIED bc i kept insisting that i didn't want to do it bc i a) was never That into music especially not CHAMBER music #b) knew that i would not know anyone and would be stuck in the middle of nowhere with people who were already friends from previous years #c) was only even given an audition bc my teacher knew the staff and their other oboist wasn't able to go that year and they needed one #d) WAS THIRTEEN AND WANTED TO SPEND THE SUMMER WITH MY FRIENDS #i do actually think it caused me real psychic damage attending that like the fact that Everyone was already friends with everyone else...#i came with no friends and i left with no friends! and when i tried to talk to the other girls in my cabin i could tell they were like...#why are you trying to be in our friend group. there was a girl who was nice to me but i was not her friend very clearly #also i was soooo out of my depth there it was Rough for me fr and like i Knew i was out of my depth i had no illusions about that #i knew i would be which is why i was like yeah this is Not for me #i still cannot get over my mom crying about this like this wasn't some great life changing opportunity...#my parents really have and always have had these Ideals they place on me bc They think xyz would be nice #or they wish they could have done it like ??? okay why does that have anything to do with me #my dad keeps being like well *I* want you to go to grad school in mtl bc i like mtl and i want to visit 😁#like haha you're not funny actually 😁 first of all not a single damn thing is stopping you from going you can drive there whenever you want #secondly one of us does NOT want to be in mtl again 😁 and that one of us actually lived there before #also the way my parents constantly visiting me pissed me off to no fucking end... I'M NOT THE PROBLEM CHILD #worried that i just stay in my room like ???? okay??? but if i went out you'd flip bc what if it's unsafe. i LIKE staying home #and i HATED mtl so no way in hell was i going to go do shit especially not at night in the WINTER are you insane #like yeah i was super depressed. that was unrelated to me staying in my room like my room was my Space #anyway all this to say i'm setting the fuck boundary this time around like i actually dgaf i'm an adult and again #not your problem child so if you could stop projecting that onto me just bc HE fucked up when he was in school....#parents will be like why can't you be independent and then literally not let you be i 🫶🏻 it #i do also hold it against the boy child and my dad for this 'you can only go to schools within a 6 hour drive'#which is only a rule my sisters and i had and maybe if the boy child wasn't a fuck up i couldve not had it but you know #he ruined any chance of that but my dad when i was applying for college was like oh it can be anywhere :) and then was like lol no #and then was like well for grad school you can go anywhere and then when it was brought up last time went lol no :)#so i'm going to have to bring lol yes :) energy cuz...

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hecksupremechips · 10 months

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Feeling just every single kind of horrific now I’m literally living my nightmare and have no where to run anymore

#lost my home my escape from this place and now im forced back into this awful living situation in a horrible town #its taking a physical toll im dizzy my stomach hurts i cant sleep right im sweaty i cant breathe #its just not real like this just cant be real #i can hear them chewing through the walls and i want them to stop but i cant cover my ears cuz then im vulnerable #my curtains are gone everyone is watching me theres spies all over the town the all report to each other #nagging nagging nagging because my god im so incompetent i cant even make a phone call #ive literally procrastinated rescheduling a very important doctor appointment for 2 weeks now cuz i literally cannot remember to do it #if i run away itll be pointless cuz theyll just find me and bring me back here #i would do anything just to cry and sob cuz then id get to feel better but my body wont let me im like emotionally constipated #ive been for who knows how fucking long #my father tells me that i need to overcome my autism and that im just not trying hard enough and that i need to talk to jesus #i dont love anything here i cant be bothered to try #and the ‘support’ i get is just. a cheap way of forcing me in #im gonna explode im seriously so uncomfortable so fed up so terrified so nauseous #its not even a dream this time but maybe it is but maybe it isnt i dont know i just punch the wall but never bleed #i want to breathe but its not working

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camellia-thea · 9 months

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i made the mistake of opening the jellycat website.

they have a jack russell now. it has one black spot across its back like jazzy.

#tags turned into a ramble-y vent be warned #mistakes were made #i do not have the money nor the emotional capacity for yearning #there are so many that are super cute #like the quinn fox and sigmund seal and all the octopi and they have a new spider plush!!!#i am in so much pain and i have nothing that stops it and i just. want to not be dealing with anything i am right now #i tried lifting my tea earlier and i started to cry because of how painful and exhausting it was.#enough so that i didn't finish it which is an indicator of how i am going #feeling a bit better now -- i am not as fatigued but. still in so much pain and sitting upright is tiring.#but it really really doesn't help the emotional stuff going on #i desperately want jellycat to make a black and white border collie too #so i can have a poppydog again #i miss her so fucking much #she was my good girl and i miss her.#i miss jazzy right now too. i want her here with me and i want her to cuddle me and stick her nose in my teacup #i just. feel bad.#i hate feeling out of control like this and yet i. cannot fucking accept help #and i'm such a hypocrite with it but i just. i can't. i don't know what i need #i want someone to take care of me but i don't know how to ask or be vulnerable. i physically need someone to wrestle me into care #i don't even know what i'm saying.#i have so many things in my head and just. saying them aloud feels scary. even typing this into vague nonspecific existence. i don't know.#i don't know.#i feel out of control and i hate it.#but. i just. need to feel out of control safely i guess?#someone else take it and just.

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thetardisisnotourdivision · 1 year

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You know that bit of year eleven where you've finished all the content for the courses you're doing but it isn't quite exam season yet so it just feels like you're in limbo... how from the very start of the year I just felt like I was waiting for the 15th of May, to start the exams I've been prepared for since I was four... all the threats and practice and now it's real and it's like you just can't process it, something that has been nothing but a looming shadow for so long is suddenly so real and just around the corner. Full circle. It'll all be over and my mind just can't figure out what to do with that knowledge.

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woosansang · 1 year

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#jazzy talks #depression tw #ask to tag #is anyone around rn #my brain is being stupid and im having thoughts and ive had too much to drink and i want to do something stupid #and i know it's bad but everything has been so hard lately and i just #i cant stop thinking about it #i cannot stop thinking about it #idk what to do bc im alone in the house and i cant stop crying and i also cant stop thinking about doing something stupid rn #it's so dumb bc logically i know it wont achieve anything and yet #my brain just..... wont shut up #idk what to do #idk what to do i just want to.#do something. stupid. you know #you know #fuck #i want to take like three shots of whiskey and pass out but i know thats not good either #what the hell is wrong with me #im so sorry if youre reading this #i just dont know what to do tonight #i coult use a distraction if anyone is arounc #self harm tw #idk

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