#i wanted to say 'i cant do this anymore' but that is unfortunately the doorway in which the suicidal thoughts will squirm through.

[altruistic-meme]

i think im going to need a moment of not opening messages right now. im going to read stormbringer instead.

[porcelain-flower]

Hey guys it's Esther, formerly feitansporcelaindoll. I know I've been away for awhile. Something happened and I wasn't sure if I should make a life update but here it is. Well for starters, I was being accused of some heinous things and because of that I deleted my tumblr.

I was busy dealing with life and my marriage. August of '23 I logged back in, messaged a certain Feitan mutual to ask how they were doing, only for them to essentially say "people said you're a groomer, so I can't talk to you anymore. Bye" and was promptly blocked. So I messaged ANOTHER mutual asking for clarification and was immediately blocked by them as well. Needless to say I was completely confused and caught off guard. Even though I was bored and pretty much done with the HxH fandom, I WAS going to keep my page active for those who enjoyed my content. But these people ruined that. So my page is gone and I will not be making any further content. In truth it was a hyperfixation, an escape from my abusive marriage. But now I'm in a healthy relationship and I don't need an escape.

Yes while you were busy accusing me, I was dealing with my narcisstic, emotionally and sexually abusive, gaslighting husband of 7 years.

And for the record, groomers abuse, manipulate and exploit. I NEVER did that to anyone.

No. It was happening to me.

While you were accusing me, I was dealing with my abuser. And I was scared every minute. He was narcissistic and controlling, to the point that he forbade me from getting tattoos or even cutting my hair. He gaslit me and constantly tried to coerce me and demand sex, despite my refusals. Seven years I dealt with this. Eventually I found the courage to leave him. The day I did, he had followed me to the store beforehand. I packed some essentials and found a friend's house to stay at. I was there for only a week because he found out who I was staying with and starting texting them and dropping off unwanted gifts at the house. So I found somewhere new to stay. I went back to my ex's house one weekend, when I knew he'd be gone, to get most of my stuff. I was terrified so I had my best friend come with. Then my ex came home unexpectedly. I wasn't going to risk being alone with him so I kept her by my side at all times.

But he wouldn't let me grab my belongings in peace. He put his arm between me and the doorway, stopped me from leaving and forced me to talk to him when all I wanted to do was grab my stuff and go.

Finally I got away and moved back to my home state. But the fear was still there. Every time I saw a car that resembled his, I froze thinking he'd followed me again.

I couldn't even give him my real address or phone number. That's how terrified I was of contact with him. I still am.

The day I got the last of my belongings, my ex made it very clear he wasn't letting me go so easily.

You don't know how terrifying it truly is to be married to someone you don't want to be with anymore and they're refusing to let you go. You do not know what real manipulation looks like.

A year after I had left him, he messaged again, asking if I was ready to come home. It took him a few more months to realize I wasn't coming back.

This is what I endured while you were spreading lies about me.

And I'm not playing dumb or playing victim. I have NO IDEA what I said or did that made people think this of me. And who did I supposedly groom?

Unfortunately we live in a world of guilty until proven innocent. And no one was mature enough to message me, show me proof, or let me know what was going on or being said about me so I couldn't even defend myself at the time.

Well there's no coming back once you've been accused, even falsely accused. I won't be active on here. This will be my only post. I'm locked out of my instagram fan page because I cant recover my password. I still have my personal page for those who knew me well enough to message me there. But I won't do fandoms or fan pages ever again.

The two people I talked to the longest and trusted the most were the fastest to accuse me and block me. Funny how that works.

And Hxytun I do wonder why you deleted all your Fei content as well. I was nothing but a friend to you. I listened to every rant, good or bad. Every conversation about your parents, your brother, you move across states.

Excalibur/feitansblood you're no better. You were a petrified little highschooler so I did my best to listen and give you advice because I knew how hard HS was for me. I was only ever a friend, to BOTH of you. And this is how you repay me. You yourself literally called me "mom" because I gave you advice like a mom would. Although I should've known you wouldn't have my back, seeing as you're pretty much Hxytun's lapdog and do anything they say. It's sad really. Also the fact you've been lying about your age on your accounts is shitty. Even a couple years ago when you were 15 you had your age listed as 19 so you could view explicit content. That's called catfishing btw.

But my heartfelt thanks to those who believed me and supported me. Makes me have a little more faith in humanity.

[windrush-child]

Can we have something about lewis comforting and being there for you while you're in a bad place mentally? Like hed be there to comfort you during panic attacks/anxiety/depression and esp during the night when you cant sleep 🥺 i feel like he would be super caring and protective over you in those fragile moments

Mountains You Won’t Move (one shot)

Lewis x reader fluff. 1.4k words. TW: anxiety, mental illness. A happy ending, though. Title inspired by Frank Ocean's Godspeed. More works

Today was a bad day. Those didn't happen all too often anymore, fortunately, ever since you had finally made that phone call about a year ago to put the issue into the hands of a professional. But once in a while you'd wake up with a tight, ominous knot in your stomach - and know that the day was going to be a struggle. You stood in the Mercedes garage, sheltered from the heavy rain in Spielberg, and looked at the screens. Lewis, reliable in the wet as he always was, topped the time sheets by over half a second in Q2. Bono and Toto had massive grins on their faces whenever the sector times showed up on their screens, and rightfully so - their driver was putting the field to absolute shame this afternoon. You wished you could enjoy your boyfriend’s driving like you usually did, wished you could smile into the cameras more lightheartedly and less forced when they'd point at you. But that just wasn't happening today. You still clinched Lewis' ring in your hands, kept fighting against the subtle waves of nausea amidst the people and the lenses and the noise. While you made a mental note to mark this day in your anxiety diary, the timer on the engineer's desk began to beep loudly, signaling the start of Q3. It was quarter to four, only fifteen minutes to go. You would get through this. ~ After signing the silly pole position award, Lewis beelined straight to the garage of his team. He was completely soaked and cold from the rain, but that didn't stop him from giddily hopping towards Bono and then Angela, earning mighty pats on the back from the both of them for the stunning performance he'd just delivered out there. Old man still got it, after all. What he was most looking forward to, though, was the obligatory jump-hug-attack you'd unleash on him after every drive. Lewis fondly remembered falling over with you in his arms the first time you did it, quite literally overwhelmed by the love you’d poured onto him. Just thinking back to it made him feel warm inside. “Toto, where’s my Lady gone to?” Lewis asked, after receiving a handshake from his boss that had nearly broken some bones - truly endearing and painful at once. “She’s, eh-” He began, looking around the garage, “I think I saw her walk to the restrooms. She looked a bit pale in the face.” he added, a bit more quietly. Lewis furrowed his brows. That wasn’t a good sign. “Tell the vultures with the microphones I’ll be right back.” He said and turned on his feet. The driver sped through the garage, mindlessly throwing his gloves somewhere, until he arrived at the toilets at the back of the building. “Sweetie?” he called, a bit hesitantly. “Are you in there?” He heard a hoarse voice through the door. “Yes.” “Can I come in?” After getting another yes, he cautiously entered the restroom. You looked indeed pale, and Lewis didn’t like the way you leaned over the sink at all. “It’s nothing.” You began as he silently mustered you from the doorway. “I’ve been having this weird stomach bug. I’ll be right back.” You lied, trying to play down your malaise. The one thing you did not want Lewis to do was to worry about you on a race weekend, when he was supposed to focus on his job. It really wasn’t that bad, anyway. Unfortunately for you at the moment, the man by your side was a very sensitive being - needless to say, he saw right through your lie, and quite easily figured out what was going on. “You’re not feeling good today, are you?” Lewis asked, his words chosen carefully, and he took a few steps closer to put a hand on your lower back, underneath your coat. The warmth of it felt soothing against your tense muscles. “You don’t need to go back to the track. Let Angela take you to the apartment, okay? I’ll be there as fast as I can.” He said, softly. His brown eyes were filled with concern. You sighed and averted your eyes. “Lewis, it’s really not-” “Please.” he interrupted, inching a bit closer. “You don’t have to put yourself through this for me. I want you to have some peace and quiet, okay?” He added, almost whispering.

You didn’t object this time. Lewis meant what he said, he always did. In situations like this, there was no doubt he would give you all of his help and compassion - it was just hard for you to be willing to take it, sometimes. Lewis placed a gentle kiss on your temple and let his lips linger for a little while. “No more than twenty minutes, then I’ll be with you.” He promised as he placed a hand on your cheek. You exhaled, somewhat shakily, and nodded. ~ The clouds continuously poured down water, only sparing the nearby mountain tops that were too high up in the sky. You tried to focus on the steady sound of droplets hitting the window, tried to banish everything else from your mind as you lay in bed, covered in a thick sheet. It was extremely frustrating. Some days, when all you wanted to do was celebrate with your boyfriend, chat with other drivers and people around the paddock, and just generally enjoy the atmosphere of the track, shit like this would happen. And it always came so unexpectedly, too - all of a sudden, everything and everyone around you would get too much, and all you could do was to flee the scene and hide. Now, you were here, in bed, counting raindrops and trying to even out your breathing, and cursing yourself for having to do this in the first place. You managed a weak attempt at holding back the tears that welled up in your eyes, but it turned out to be futile in the end. Yeah… self-forgiveness wasn’t one of your strong suits yet. Suddenly, you heard the click of the door lock, and slightly lifted your head. The sound of footsteps followed almost immediately, until they stopped in front of the bedroom door. Lewis would never burst into the room just like that, it was a habit you really appreciated on days like this one. “Come in.” You said, your voice slightly cracking at the end. Lewis peeked inside and took a moment to judge the situation, before quietly closing the door behind himself. He had ditched the wet race suit and exchanged it with some sweatpants and a random black T-shirt, subtly sending the message that he wasn’t going to leave the apartment for the rest of the day. He took a step closer, until he saw the tears on your face and your reddened eyes - a sight that he would never be able to get used to. It broke his heart into pieces every time. “Sweetie… come here.” Lewis said as he lowered himself onto the bed right next to you, crawling underneath the blanket. Instantly, you buried your face in his shoulder and let him wrap two big arms around you, finally past the point of putting up a tough act. “It’s okay. I’m here.” He said, and started drawing little circles over the back of your neck with his fingers. You closed your eyes and hummed softly. Yeah, this felt better. Lewis’ body was like a heater. His warmth slowly seeped into yours, and the cold in your limbs started to make way. “Can I get you anything? Water? Another blanket?” He mumbled. You shook your head. “No… just cuddle.” You answered. Right now, being close to Lewis would be the best remedy. He placed one, and then another featherlight kiss on your face in response, his beard softly tickling your skin. Closely tangled with his body, you took a deep breath. His scent reminded you of so many beautiful things - the comfort of a home, the solace of an embrace, the intimacy of making love. It felt good to be with Lewis, and it felt safe. He steadily ran a hand over your back, gently up and down until you didn’t know what time it was anymore, until the tension in your body had disappeared and all the tears had dried. You opened your eyes one last time, to press a thankful kiss to Lewis’ lips. It only took a few more moments for you to fall asleep in his arms.

[words-for-holland]

Happier (10) | T.H.

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: After the events of last night, Tom and Y/N are completely heartbroken. More threats are thrown out. Tom leaves???

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10

Masterlist

A/N: WOW 10 CHAPTERS ALREADY?! If you made it this far..Thanks for sticking around! What has been your favorite part in the series so far??

Anger

There was no way to describe it. The unsettling feeling erupted between Y/N and Tom after last night. At that point, they weren’t sure of where to go from here, but I guess that’s what happens when one lets their guard down. Once thinking they had a second chance to rebuild what was lost, has now drifted further and further apart.

Y/N knew she should be angry at Unknown, for being the reason why she had to experience heartbreak a second time. Yet, she also couldn’t help but feel anger towards Tom. There had to be a reason behind the kiss, but something inside her didn’t want to let go of the fact that he did kiss Natalie in the end. It wasn’t staged, it wasn’t questionable pictures, it was real and Y/N had the displeasure of seeing it up close.

The images wouldn’t leave her mind, and no one was there to look out for her. Kate was gone, and Harrison and Harry took a weekend for themselves. For the first time ever...it was just her against the world.

Y/N hadn’t moved from her position since she yelled at Tom. Crouched on the floor, her back leaning against the door, her arms wrapped tightly around her knees. Her mind and her heart had left her body, while she was very much alive, her current state might as well deem her dead. She was waiting for someone, something to give her a sign that everything was going to be okay.

Thats when she heard the soft knocks. Three knocks at a time. Once. Twice. Then a third time. Y/N refused to open the door, thinking it was still Tom, but the more she waited the more the enfuriating knocking would not stop. After a couple more, she was ready to open door just to stop it. Another part was also curious to know what Tom had to say about last night. Maybe just maybe they’d get through it again like they did before. Y/N wiped her tears dry, and turned the doorknob.

It wasn’t Tom.

Natalie with her neatly waved, dirty blonde hair appeared at the door, her hand in mid knock. She gently placed it down and gave Y/N a tight-lipped smiled. “May I come in?” She asked in her robust english accent.

“Let me think about it. You’re in a PR relationship with my ex-boyfriend, you stole my ex-boyfriend’s clothes without permission and posted it all over social media when you said you wouldn’t...and let me see I know there was one more thing I was forgetting...” Y/N sarcastically ponders the thought, tapping her finger on her chin. “Oh yeah..you managed to kiss him right in front of me when there was no need for the PR. So if you asking to come into my room as if you’ve been my best friend all my life..You’re out of your fucking mind.” She speaks out bitterly.

Natalie looks at Y/N surprised at the attitude thrown at her. She knew Y/N was one for being a forgiving and generous girl, but today she saw a whole side of her. Natalie smirks at the comment and the result of her stunt. “Okay, then I won’t play the nice gal anymore. Now this is your last warning. Stay. Away. From. Tom.” Natalie threatens, jabbing her finger into Y/N’s chest as she emphasizes the last four words.

It clicked for Y/N as if a lightbulb when off in her head. She always had her assumptions, but Natalie’s threat was enough to prove her theory. “It is you...You’re Unknown. This whole time...From the moment I started to drift away from Tom..It was because of you!” Y/N yells out in frustration.

Natalie laughs manically. “Oh babes. You’re funny if you think I’m Unknown. Im only a part of your nightmare. And it’s going to keep on going and going. I’ll make sure you never wake from it.”

Y/N glares at Natalie, shaking her head in disbelief. “I don’t understand why you’re doing this..if you’re not Unknown, who is?”

“Like I’d ever tell you who Unknown is. I wasn’t lying about that part though. Unknown is on to me as well if I don’t play my role in this game.” Natalie scoffs as she looks at her fresh pressed manicure.

“If Unknown is threatening you, then why don’t you stop them? Why help make my life miserable when you know all of us are being pulled by the strings?” Y/N interrogates Natalie, furrowing her eyesbrows in confusion. No human being would be that cruel to ruin somone else’s life for no apparent reason. She assumed that Natalie was lying for the sake of keeping herself safe from Unknown, but from what?

“Because you took the one thing I ever truly cared about. Tom and I were doing fine, until you came into the picture.” Natalie glares at Y/N. She wanted to make sure her message was loud and clear. “I want to make you feel the pain and loss I felt when Tom left me.”

Y/N looks at her with digust, almost sick to her stomache the way Natalie talked down to her. “You cant change the way he feels Natalie.”

“No, but it seems like you’re doing that just on your own. Honestly Y/N, how much longer do you think he’ll take the more you push him away? Unknown and I are just the boost, you’re insecurities is what’s doing the magic. God, I cant wait to see how far it goes.” Natalie smirks as she turns toward the door.

“Then why keep going Natalie? You have Tom, the publicity, the looks. What more do you want?” Y/N challenges her.

“Acceptance.” She simply states. “And I wouldn’t bother bringing this up or trying to make ammends with Tom. You know Unknown will continue to pull more strings. In fact, I heard he got so sick of everything, he’s leaving on the next flight for Germany.” Natalie emphasizes, hoping to hit a trigger point for Y/N.

Y/N remained frozen, feeling so defeated as she looked at Natalie one last time before she made her way out shutting the door. Tom left. He left because of her and now she was truly alone.

Natalie skips her way downstairs to see Tom on the phone with his agent. He’s clearly distressed about last night and sitting down with his phone in hand. “Germany?! Now?!” He asks. “I..I cant. I have something going on right now. I have to fix this. I cant leave.” He speaks out as the voice talks over him. Tom was in no mood for games and he certaintly wasn’t ready to pack his bags and leave for an emergency shoot while Y/N locked herself in her room thinking he cheated on her with Natalie.

“Please...I need to set this right. I can’t think about work right now—.” Tom pleads.

“Tom, I get it. You’re heartbroken. Y/N’s heartbroken, but this is important. Not coming through with this could damage your career and cost you millions under contract.” His agent regretfully shares. “Trust me I tried to find a way out for you, but there’s no loophole. Natalie’s agents have it in their control and breaking it could mean all your money goes to them.”

Tom placed the phone on his forehead as he tries to channel and calm his anger. Natalie was getting on his nerves by the second. If it weren’t for this stupid contract, he would have never agreed to the PR stunt, let alone..let her live in their house for as long as they had. “Don’t tell me this all because of the fucking stunt.” He grumbled, trying his best to contain the frustration.

“Yes and no. It’s for the movie. They want to start filming and start setting up interviews for behind the scenes. Natalie will be there too, but I can make sure you are allowed to go alone...if it makes it any better.”

While Tom’s agent tried to make his job less difficult...it really didn’t make it any better. He’d avoid another stunt, but it also meant being far away from Y/N, right when she needed him the most. She had to hear the truth of what really happened that night.

Speaking of the woman herself, Natalie padded her way innocently towards Tom. Her arms crossed, her hair slightly fluffed, almost as if she were trying to show the world how soft she was. “You should go.” She says sweetly in her accent.

Tom looks at her in disgust as he tries to back away. “Not like I had a choice.” He leaves Natalie alone, making his way to pack his things. He knocked on Y/N’s door one last time to see if she would answer, but nothing. However, that didnt meant it would stop him from saying what had to be said. “Y/N, look...I know youre extremely pissed at me right now and you have every right to be. But you have to believe me when I tell you that it meant nothing to me at all. I..I..I have to go right now, and leave for Germany, but when Im done with this stupid contract Im coming back for you. I promise.” He laments, sliding a folded note under her doorway.

Unfortunately for Y/N she did not hear a single word that came from Tom. Her body and mental state had made her so overly exhausted, it put her in a state of deep sleep. If she couldn’t face the problems in the real world ar the moment, at least she could escape it in her dreams. So there it laid on the hardwood floor just hidden under the purple tapestry rug, Tom’s heartfelt note waiting to be read.

Tom made it to Germany in two hours time. The whole plane ride, he couldn’t help but wonder if Y/N had listened to anything he said, if she even bothered to read his note to her. He couldn’t worry much about his projects when the woman he loved was hurting again, right after he swore he’d do anything to protect her. The first two days passed ever so slowly. Tom’s anticipation to go back home moved quicker than the seconds on the clock. But here he was, sitting down in a green room waiting to be interviewed, feeling completely useless.

Light footsteps click clacked in the hallway, and the noise started getting closer, it became louder and clearer. Out of the shadows of the hallway was Natalie, dressed in a gold floral dress, with looks that could kill and make any woman envious. “Umm...we still got 30 minutes before we go on.” She smiles, talking ever so gently. Natalie takes the seat beside him on the couch, trying her best to hold on to his hands.

Tom rolls his eyes, yanking them out of her reach. “Stop it Natalie. Im tried of this shit already.” He reacts, distress straining his voice.

Natalie’s smile drops the moment she hears him say those words. “Tom...I was just..”

“No! You are taking this stunt way too seriously. What you did back in London is really shit of you. Taking my clothes, and kissing me without my consent?! What the fuck Natalie?!” Tom raises his voice, the lines on his forehead creasing.

“I thought it was a rather cute thing to do. Besides the people loved it, and don’t act like you didn’t love the kiss. I felt the passion in there.” Natalie justifies, flipping her golden locks as if her action had no consequences.

Tom laughs in disbelief. “Natalie. You ruined my chances with Y/N. I pushed you away the moment you pressed your lips on mine.”

“Why her? Why are you so caught up on Y/N? I told you so many times that she’s not good for you. She’s not even British. I meant what I said about the both of us being great together. Look at the pictures, the reactions. People love us. Thats why we got this lousy interview in the first place.”

“But Natalie...I don’t know how many times I have to tell you this. I love Y/N. I dont care what the whole world thinks. It will always be her.”

Natalie looks at him with teary eyes. This wasn’t how it was supposed to work. After everything she’s been through, after all the things she did for Unknown, Tom was supposed to be with her. “I don’t understand. You were supposed to love me!” She screams, her eyes burning with fury. “I was supposed to win in the end!”

“You can’t force someone to love you Natalie!” He screams back, his face turning redder by the minute. “Im not some prize to be won.” There’s silence in the room. Breaths heaving and panting as they try to recollect themselves. Tom takes another breath before he continues, “Look, we may have been childhood friends and gotten close, but this doesn’t mean we were endgame. Y/N came into my life and my whole life changed for the better with her. It’s like I can breathe, laugh, see the world in a whole new light because of her.”

Natalie sniffles, looking away as she hears the truth that she can no longer deny. Tom was truly in love with Y/N and no amount of backstabbing, threats, PR stunts, or fights could break them apart. They were meant for each other. “I just wish it was with me.” She whispered.

Tom shakes his head, now talking more gently. “I know, but believe when I tell you, I’m not that guy. Somewhere out there you’ll find someone who makes you feel the way I feel about Y/N every second of the day.” He places his hand on her shoulder as she gently touches it and pushes it away. She could no longer be angry, all the anger had left and was replaced with sadness. Natalie couldn’t help but wonder if this is how Y/N felt after everything she’s been put through. Maybe worse more or less, but was this what a broken heart felt like?

It was time for the interview, and as Tom made his way out, Natalie stayed behind. A change of heart was taking place inside her, and with everything that’s happened, she wanted to set things right. “What are you still doing here? Get your arse into that interview.” Her mother grumbles as she yanks her daughter’s wrist to the door.

“Mother...he doesn’t love me.” Natalie, whispers, her voice almost disappearing.

“I told you, he’ll learn. If you weren’t doing such a lousy job, maybe he would learn to love you.” Her mother rolls her eyes, still trying to drag her out to the room.

Natalie shakes her head holding back. “He won’t ever love me. Tom..he’s truly in love with Y/N, and that’s not something we can ever break. Every obstacle makes them stronger, and even now Tom is still willing to win her back. We can’t win mum.”

“Don’t tell me you’re growing a soft heart now. You’re more to blame than me. Naughty girl, always trying to break them up for your own good. If you weren’t so keen on —“

“No mum! That’s what you wanted! You wanted me to get the fame and fortune. I wanted love..but not like this. Not if we’re forcing Tom to love me when he doesn’t.” She wipes the tears from her eyes before continuing, “Im done with this. With everything. I’m going through this interview and that’s it. I want to set things write.”

“Then I’ll just ruin you and your friends with all the secrets and blackmail we’ve collected. You really want to be a part of that game?” Her mother threatens.

“You cant hurt us anymore, mum. No secret and blackmail will ever be big enough to break them. Every stone has been unturned.” With that Natalie makes her way into the interview where she sits next to Tom, in a very platonic way.

“So Tom and Natalie, tell us about your relationship. How is it going so far?”

Tom and Natalie looked at each other, smiling. Almost as if they were telepathically telling the other it was time to tell the truth. No more secrets. No more blackmail. This was it. The end was near.

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl @ifilosemyselfagain @hevjadams @averyfosterthoughts​ @fangirl-with-a-mission @drishtisikarwar @eridanuswave​ @ifntelyinspirit @trumpettay @astridcommings @parkershoco @racewife2004 @sleepybesson @greatpizzascissorstaco @andievgs @joyleenl @holland-bowen @in-a-lot-of-fandoms-tbh @viwihere @marvelobsessedteenager @panicattheeverywherekid @oswinO5 @jillanaholland

[alivehahahafuck]

Things We Become In The Dark

Chapter 2 The Doctor

They arrived at the Capitol Event Center slightly on the early side, which suited both August and Elliot, because this kind of thing gets on their nerves. As they approached the seemingly abandoned building they saw that there was an open set of double doors off to the side a little ways away, but still adjacent to the entrance. There was an attendant in a grey pantsuit next to the doorway carrying a clipboard. Her grey pantsuit was the same color as August’s dress. It’s the grey that they make all of the Assignees wear to the Assignment, it’s supposed to symbolize how everybody is equal and undesignated, until they get their job and their colors. August was pretty sure it was a way to repress people and make them love their jobs too much, so they are content and don’t rebel. But, honestly, if it works, August was happy and decided to go along with it. 

The unnamed attendant waved the Braxton’s over, and they obediently followed, more than happy to have somewhere to go and something to do, as opposed to just milling around in such open spaces. Sontharian’s naturally don’t like open spaces. Gives them a weird feeling on their back. That’s just what happens when your entire life is underwater. The lady got August signed in on her LightPad. Now all she had to do was head inside and wait. 

Inside, it was essentially empty, with the exception of random workers hustling about making last minute adjustments to things, trying to get the place ready. There were a few other Assignees floating around, mostly standing by themselves awkwardly. There were two people who had drifted a little too close together and were forced to make polite, but very awkward and forced, conversation. There was one girl who stood out from the rest.

She was this blonde girl, who looked a little nervous. Not nervous in the same way that everybody else was nervous, it was more like her resting facial expression and general temperament was ‘drowning in anxiety’. August couldn’t blame her, seeing as how she herself has a resting face that scared people away. But it wasn’t just that she seemed scared. She appeared to be at least two years younger than everybody else, which indicated to August that she shouldn’t be here. But at the same time, all the workers who were scurrying by nodded at her and smiled, seeming to not have any sort of problem with her presence. 

Subconsciously, August started slowly migrating towards the scared girl, trying to observe her more carefully and figure out what she was doing here. The more she stared at her, the more she realized that the girl was not at all nervous about being here. She acted like she was supposed to be here, among the hustle and bustle. Her nervous expression seemed to be the overflow of the constant thoughts that were running behind her eyes, as if she was thinking about every possible scenario of what could go wrong, and what could succeed.

It didn’t take long until August’s wanderings brought her face to face with the girl, who has acknowledged her presence but didn’t say anything, or diert any attention from her mental simulations to her. Feeling very awkward about the fact that she was standing three feet away from a girl she walked up to, and still hadn't said anything, August opened her mouth hoping her brain would spit out the appropriate words. 

Unfortunately, August was still focusing too much on what the actual hell the girl could be thinking of, and why didn’t she say anything first, that August’s brain more vomited the words out in an incoherent mess. “Hi, umm, I was just wondering, not to sound rude, sorry if I’m coming across rude, some people think I’m an anti-social bitch, well, not that they’re totally wrong. Ha! Actually, they’re kind of right, I really don’t enjoy social functions. Anyways, I’m sorry, I was wondering, again, not to sound rude, exactly what you’re doing here? I couldn’t help but notice that you seem significantly younger than everybody else, also, the workers seem to know who you are and you don’t seem to be nervous about everything like the rest of us…”. August didn’t end up finishing her ramblings with a complete thought, she just left her confusion out in the air. 

Thankfully, the girl didn’t seem to mind, and her lips broke into a timid but amused smile. “My presence here is just a formality. I already know my assignment, I’ve already been working for a year. I’m a rising surgeon in the public hospital system, I mostly do sutures and stupid stuff like that because for legal reasons I cant perform actual surgeries yet. But I’m consulted on a lot, if not all, difficult and bizarre cases,” she replied.

“Oh.” August let the noise out softly, with her lips still pursed into a little “o” shape, hanging on the edge of the next few words. “So you’re a child genius?” she asked, great that’s not intimidating. The girl chuckled softly, looking down momentarily and blushing a bit, a little bit more on her left cheek than on her right.

“That’s a generous way of looking at it,” she replied, “I have an aptitude for medical sciences…”, she trailed off wondering if she should continue, but the girl felt oddly and comfortable around August despite this being the first time they've met. However, despite the sudden trust, the girl got softer and sounded a bit more unsteady, “I can see the entire human body in my mind… every muscle, every nerve, where every last vein and artery should be.” That explained what she was distracted by, probably running through problems and solutions for the human body, all in her brain, “That, and I’m a natural problem solver. Between the two of those I’ve gotten pretty good at fixing all bodily problems: surgery, physical therapy, treating diseases.” Seeing August's look of surprise and inferiority the girl added, “Of course all blessings come with a curse… That’s about all I’m good at. I can’t fathom the mental aspect of humans,” She was still looking into August’s eyes, and August could see the sudden shift from poise and professionalism into unsurety and desperation, “emotions are so hard to predict and control. You never know what a human can do next. I can fix any external pain a human can feel. I can fix any problem. But I can’t fix what’s going on inside their brain, I can’t know what anybody is going to do next, and I don’t know how to fix it..” she trailed off, and August felt bad to see such a young girl have such a dark look in her eyes. 

Trying to lighten the mood, August tried to keep the discussion moving in a more positive direction. “Well that’s fine. Nobody’s perfect at everything. And I’m more than positive you have other skills to make up for it. I mean, apart from the fact that you’re a medical prodigy, I’m sure you have an affinity for other academic subjects too. History doesn’t change, I’m sure you have no problem memorizing dates and events!” she said, realizing she was slipping into the same tone of voice she used around Elliot.

“Actually,” she said, raising her eyes to look up at August, “I’ve never taken any other subjects. I’ve been taught math, biology, chemistry, biochemistry, human physiology, the list goes on. But the Counsel realized very early on in my life that I had the strongest aptitude for medicine that they have ever seen. They paid for me to be sent to the best medical institutions from a very young age, and they never taught me anything else other than what would apply to my job,” Upon seeing August’s confusion and disbelief that the Counsel could be so stupid and restricting on such a young girl, “It’s like how after Assignment, you only get training for the field you’ve been assigned to. The difference being They gave me my Assignment when I was 10. So I’ve taken ‘all of the subjects’, but only to the leel a ten year old would know.”

“Wait. Pardon my speech, but what the actual flying fuck? For the love of Quarre, who does that to a kid! Ten years old?!? And they constricted you to learning what 18 year olds would learn?!?

Wait. If you were 10 when you started.. That’ll mean you’ll be a full fledged doctor when you turn 18, the same time that kids your age will be starting their medical education…” August trailed off and now it was her turn to have her eyes zone out as she got lost in her own alarming thoughts, only to be interrupted by the young girl.

“Yes, it’s unfortunate, but ultimately beneficial. Younger children have an amazing capacity to pick up information at a faster rate and deeper understanding than we give them credit for.

They have such an educational advantage, in fact, that I will complete my learning two years earlier, when I turn 16. Meaning that if things continue the same way that they have, I’ll be a head surgeon by the time I turn 20, and I will be the most accomplished young doctor on the whole planet. My advisor likes to build me up and say that I’ll be the best in the entire Jurian System; but I doubt I’ll even be the best on Sonthar by the time I’m 20. But I will be the best at some point,” she said confidently, “....once everyone who is more experienced than me dies of old age” se clarified under her breath.

“Wow.” August just stared at the young blonde girl who talked more professionally and matter of fact-ly than most adults she knew. “So… child prodigy, huh? Does “child prodigy” have a name, so I can start placing bets on you well in advance, and make a shit ton of money?” August didn’t feel bad about swearing in front of her anymore, seeing as how her age was clearly only an indication of her body's physical boundaries.

“Oh. Yes. Sorry.” She blushed a bit, almost being embarrassed she didn’t introduce herself earlier on in the conversation, “I’m Katarina. Katarina Fox.” she said whilst holding her pale hand out. 

“August Braxton,” she introduced herself, extending her hand back at Katarina for a friendly shake. Although at this point, August wanted to pull her into a tight hug and stroke her hair like she would for Elliot, because this poor girl seemed to have even more worries, pressures, and anxieties than Elliot. Nevertheless, she shook her hand, “Nice to meet you, Dr. Fox” she said with a bit of a coy smile.

As August was shaking Katarina’s hand, she realized that Katarina’s pale pure white skin was different from her own. August’s skin looked as if the blood underneath was metallic and grey. Katarina’s on the other hand (ehh, get it), looked as though her blood was a silver iridescent lava that shone through the paleness of her skin.

“If you don’t mind me asking,” August inquired, “but what race are you? Your skin seems to glow and have a hidden color and life to it. I’ve never seen anything like it before.” Even though she was addressing Katarina, she might as well have been addressing the hand itself because her eyes were still entranced in her iridescent shimmer. She realized her impoliteness and forced herself to look at Katarina’s face, and noticed that now she was aware of the iridescence, she couldn’t unsee it. Her face was dewy with a slight internal shimmer, and her blushing cheeks were a collection of the pink and purple iridescent bits that were typically more dispersed with the rest of the silver. Her eyes were a pale icy blue, but something also shifted behind her eyes, like translucent pools of a dark blue swirling around in her eyes.

August’s trance was broken when the Doctor interrupted her with her answer once again. “Oh yes, right,” she blushed a little bit again, still getting embarrassed by forgetting little formalities. “I’m from pod Sol-.”

“Holy shit, you’ve seen the sun?” Everything was clicking into place for August, of course, she has the Sonthar tan, duhhhh, of course she’s from Sol “Wait.” She came upon another realization, “If you’re from Sol, what the hell are you doing in Dal?” The confusion of August’s face was soon replaced with stunned horror, “...how long have you been in Dal?...” with every passing word her blood began to boil and her words were spit with her disgust. “Did they take you away from your family when you were TEN!?!” 

August understood the pain of being young and having an older sibling taken away from you, that might happen to Elliot at the end of today. But to have a child taken away from their family and brought to a completely unfamiliar place.... “My parents separated when I was nine,” Katarina explained, “When I was put into the family relocation facility, they had to run a bunch of testing to fill out the adoption forms. Families want to know a child’s abilities and qualifications before they take them in.” August hadn't known that about the system. That’s sick! Why is it once I have to start working for these people I realize exactly how immoral and cruel they are? Katarina continued despite August’s horror, “That’s when they realized my gift. They ran more intense testing to see my limits, and sent me to live with a family who had been trying for a child for years. I stayed with them for a few months while the Science Executives filled out forms and convinced the Counsel that they should be allowed to take a ten year old away from their family.

“Obviously, they won their argument and I was taken away from my adoptive family two days after my tenth birthday.” Before August could interject with her disgust and fury, the workers called over the loudspeaker that all of the Assignees need to line up in two lines, male and female, by last name. When August turned around to line up, she realized that she was so invested in what the Doctor was saying that she didn’t realize that the room had become filled with seventeen and eighteen year olds. August and Katarina said their farewells and went to line up. 

[mad-men-inc]

Fragments from Beyond The Stars -- Rescue.

So ya boi wrote a thing, lmao. Enjoy some Star Wars bullshit! Basically my OCs (along with togruta!Kit) in a universe ive been on and off making for like 2-3 months. Please, dear god, ask me about them and the story if you’re interested. I would kill for you :eyes:

Kit slammed the door open, the woman at the head of the table merely raising an eyebrow at the loud entrance. The man sitting two chairs to her left stood up, his hand going to the blaster hanging off his belt, but between the woman's hand wave and Kit's own blaster aimed at his face, he conceded and left through a side door, paying a single glance back to the woman.

"Kit, I presume?"

"Where's Sam." It was barely a question, the hardness in Kit's voice making it clear that they werent here to play the woman's game.

"Tut tut, little Fighter. Not even going to ask how I know?"

"I know enough about you to know you pulled any intel from Sam's head, so tell me where she is before I pull the answer from yours." The response was growled, and the woman.. laughed. She tilted her head back, elegantly, and laughed to the ceiling.

"Oh, that's precious! You have just the fire I expected you to- you're just like she described." Her tone was mocking, teasing, light. Too fucking light. Kit fired their blaster, right for her cocky fucking face, but she held up a hand and stopped the laser in midair, halfway between her and Kit.

"Now, now. That's just rude," the joking tone gave way to offense, and the laser fell to the table's surface, sizzling out. "Play nicely or I'll have my men kill your little girlfriend."

Kit growled lowly, any fear at facing a Force user snuffed out by the threat to their friend- leader- partner. Still, they took the message, holstering their blaster and crossing their arms over their chest defiantly. A knife settled into each hand, slipped from the wrist guards they wore. "Fine. Take me to her."

The woman stood up, her hands resting delicately, balancing on her fingertips, against the table's surface. "Why would I do that, when it's more fun to keep you in suspense? She cried for you, you know," she circled the table, closing the distance between herself and Kit, one hand trailing over the table next to her. "She screamed and begged for you to stay away. To let her die, so you could stay free. Unfortunately, you didnt get the message-" a mocking pout "-apologies about that."

Kit didnt believe this woman, no matter how much that sounded exactly like their Sam. They wouldn't believe a word she said.

She continued, before they could interject any protests though. "I silenced her of course, dont worry. Couldnt have her scaring you off, now could i?" She was closer than Kit would like, her free hand coming up to flick at the tip of their montrals.

Kit finally uncrossed their arms, both hands shoving towards the woman full force. The blades sunk into her sides, the woman shouting and sending a Force wave into Kit. They flew backwards, through the door they had left open. The knives remained in the woman's sides.

They stood upright against the wall, ignoring the pain in their back, as they moved down the hallway. They opened every door searching for the woman they came for, their team leader, their fucking girlfriend, finally finding her in a tiny closet-like room that had become a makeshift cell, at the end of the hallway.

Kit's hands found her shoulders, helping Sam sit upright. As soon as she saw Kit's face, she started crying, shaking her head frantically.

"Go, go go go, go, get out of here, go-" she was begging, the words almost incoherent with how slurred and soft they were. Sam was.. out of it. Her eyes were unfocused and she was hardly breathing, she was covered in bruises and cuts and burns, she looked like she had barely eaten anything with how much thinner she was-- and she was trembling in Kit's hold.

They shook their head without a word, untying Sam's hands and easing her up with the wall as support."We have to go, Sammy," Kit was trying to hide their frantically beating heart, keeping their voice steady and level.

"Cant- cant, we cant, im- i cant go-" she was crying, shaking her head more, her chest was jerking with silent sobs that was followed by a flinch every time.

"I dont care if you cant walk, I’ll carry you, we have to go," Kit was getting nervous, glancing behind them at the doorway before slipping their arm under Sam's legs so they could scoop her up.

"Bomb- im- I'm a b-bomb, I cant go, its-- distance, I can't, I cant- Kitty, you have to go, please, please go-" her shoves were weak against Kit's chest and arms, but they got the point across well enough.

They stood upright anyway, keeping hold of Sam. "What's the range?" They moved out to the hallway, treading carefully as they waited for the answer.

"Wh- about the ship size, dont- cant leave it, she said- said itll kill anyone in 15- 15 feet, its tied to the- core. Core, core, if we break it-"

"You two arent breaking anything." Eliza spoke from behind the pair, Kit turning on their heels to face her. She was holding one arm across her sides, her other hand holding a lightsaber to the side. The weapon was off, but Sam's breath still caught and she started shaking, pressing against Kit tighter.

"Drop me and run- I've got her, please go-" she tried to tell Kit, but the togruta didnt pay her any mind. They ducked into the room that was beside them quickly, slamming the door behind them with their foot.

The room looked just like the one they had found Liza in before, so they ran for the side door and sprinted down the new hallway. The comm link on their wrist beeped once, Sam reaching over and activating it with a shaking hand.

"Kit, what's the story?" Evan's voice filtered through the device, Sam nearly sighing in relief. The gang was here to help. Maybe they did have a chance..

"I need you or Jason to pull up the schematics. There's a ranged bomb on Sam- we have to blow the core if we want to get her out of here alive." Kit spoke evenly, looking around them for some kind of sign that they were going the right way towards the core of the ship.

"Can never be easy with you fuckers, huh?" Jason spoke up, his voice riddled with amusement. He didnt wait for a retort, immediately setting about calling directions for Kit to take. 

The pair were lucky in avoiding trooper patrols, and Liza had seemingly fucked off, so they arrived at the core drive quickly. Kit set Sam down by the door, giving her the comm link while they fished through their backpack for the explosive devices they always carried now. Too many times had they come in handy, for them to forget to bring a few.

Sam took the blaster from Kit's side, her grip strong but her aim shaking as she pointed the weapon at the door. If anyone walked through it, they would be dead -- probably.

Soft beeps echoed through the room as Kit placed the devices, all synchronizing with their detonator. They would need to get out of there first, get to their own escape ship before setting this place on a path to hell.

The door slid open, Sam opening fire until a strong Force had her finger stilling on the trigger. Kit ducked behind the massive core, cursing silently as Eliza strolled into the room and disarmed Sam. She wasnt holding her sides anymore, and Kit realized she had probably taken a hypo-syringe; she was fucking healed.

Sam trembled in the hold, immobile and hating every second of it. Eliza hummed, the same tune as always- Sam flinched and immediately squeezed her eyes shut as her whole body tensed up.

"That'a girl. You know it was very dumb of you to think you're getting out of here. And your actions.." the lightsaber ignited, Sam whimpering quietly as the red light flickered over her face. "Have consequences. Open your eyes, Samantha. I want you to watch this one. I want your little partner to watch this one."

She was cocky, far too cocky, and Kit snuck around the core to get closer to her. She wouldnt fucking touch their Sam any more- except she did.

The blade rested on Sam's side, right where one of Kit's knives had gone into the woman, and their breath hitched. Sam was lucky her goal wasnt to kill her. Or.. was she?

She shrieked, her muscles straining under the Force hold- she wanted to get away, to move, to run, to something, anything, but she was just as helpless now as she had been when she was first fucking taken.

"And what a shame it is theres nothing you can say to stop me this time. I don't want your information anymore. I want your fucking screams." And scream she did, as the laser was finally lifted up, only to be pushed against her other side.

Kit flinched at the sound, before sucking in a breath and moving to get behind the woman. They ran at her quietly, yanking her backwards so the blade left Sam. As soon as it was off, they jumped on her back and fought to drag her to the ground.

Liza slammed her back against one of the core relays, Kit wincing but not letting go. Their arm wrapped around her throat, pulling tighter as the pair fought each other off.

Finally, Liza snagged Kit in a force hold, throwing them off of her back- they slid across the ground and stopped next to Sam. Sam, who was able to move but still stuck frozen. Terror and pain clashed with their desire to protect her partner, and her trembling hands were of no use. Kit seized up next to her, as Liza got her bearings right.

Sam recognized the straining of their muscles, the same way hers would move when she was fighting off the Force. She had to move. 

Liza was coming closer, her hand closing around the hilt of her lightsaber. Sam had to move. She had to move. She had to move- the blaster was in her hand, she pulled the trigger and nailed Liza in the shoulder, the woman yelling in pain and outrage. Her grip on Kit released, but she was close enough anyway that she sent her boot straight into Sam's stomach, the girl doubling over and coughing.

"Bad. Dog." She growled, and Sam yelped as another well-aimed kick landed on her already broken ribs. Another, aimed at the fresh burns on her sides. She curled up, shielding her face but otherwise letting the Sith hurt her. Her chest jerked with sobs, and soft apologies filtered from her lips, muffled by her arms.

Kit had snatched up the blaster and gotten out of the way as soon as Liza had let them go, horror stilling their hand as they barely heard their girlfriend apologize for saving their life- what had happened here..? Did they even want to know?

They shook their head, firing twice into Eliza's back. The woman fell forward with a cry, her body curled over Sam's.

Sam sobbed and trembled and stilled, waiting for someone else to move first. Liza wasnt dead, of fucking course she wasnt, but she would be soon enough anyway. Kit holstered their blaster again, pulling Sam out from under the bitch. She flinched but stayed quiet, her eyes shut tight and her face pressed against Kit's chest.

Together, they ran, getting farther from the core and closer to the hangar that Kit had gotten in through. It passed by in a blur, Sam dazed and afraid, so much smaller than Kit was used to in every sense of the word. She was quiet and curled in on herself, she was thin and shaking, pale and... afraid. She was afraid.

That was... new. Not new, not really, Kit had seen her more afraid when it was their life on the line, but this was a terror that didnt go away, that left a haunting look in Sam's eyes and a bad taste in both of their mouths. This was a fear that would follow her, they were sure.

The little ship that they called home (more of a home than the Resistance base anyway) picked them up with a quick fly-by, Kit and Sam landing hard on the loading ramp as they lept to safety. Jason helped them inside, Kit setting off the explosives just before they flew away. Sam shook harder as the explosions sounded behind them, her wide eyes never leaving the hangar door, unblinking and unmoving.

They flew away for a few moments, waiting for the hyperdrive to warm up and prepare (and likely making sure Sam wasnt about to explode), before they jumped to light speed. Sam finally, finally blinked and looked away from the window, as the white lines that would be stars passed by, slowly making her dizzy.

JA-K13 scanned her for injuries as soon as she turned, the robot giving a false sigh and muttering about not being able to fix this mess, before he set about getting her to sit down so he could try and do exactly that.

Kit sat by her side, their eyes roaming over the tons of wounds that they knew would only get worse if they didnt get back to base soon. Sam needed a real medibay..

Sam, for her part, pretended as if everything was okay. She faked a close-lipped smile, her ever-shaking hand resting on top of Kit's between them. Neither spoke.

Neither wanted to discuss what had happened back there. But Kit couldnt look away from the tear tracks running over Sam's cheeks, and Sam couldnt stop seeing flashing images of Kit, dead at their feet, the blaster in her own hand and smoking.

Kit knew they were lucky to escape alive, but Sam wasnt sure they truly had escaped. After all, the past always caught up, didnt it? And hers was especially persistent.

[strongsassysexysloane]

You and Me - Cont. Higher than Heaven

So there were a few ideas of where I wanted this to go when I started and this was a particular story I had in mind. And of course it went in a direction I didn’t see coming... enjoy

. . . 

It was a Monday, like any other, you wake, a smile crosses your face with the memories from the night before flashing back through your mind. You reach over to where Jack is meant to be, where she's been for the past several months but the bed is cold.

You immediately sit up and search the room for any sign of her but there's nothing. You check the clock and its just before you both normally wake up to go to work. Before panic starts to set in you look at your phone. You breathe a little lighter seeing a text from Jack.

'Sorry, couldn't sleep and didn't want to wake you. Gone to work early. Love you.'

You smile but are still concerned, the lack of Jack in that text is alarming, she usually throws in a sass remark or sweet comment but its straight to the point.

'G'morning, next time please wake me up, hon. Love you, see you soon.' You hit send and get up and ready for the day. The thoughts of why Jack couldn't sleep hovers in your mind but you push them aside until you get to work.

You knock on Jack's door but theres no answer. It's unlocked so you open it but the lights are off and she's not there. You decide to call her but her phones off and now the panic really sets in.

"Anyone see Jack this morning?" You ask trying to hide the panic in your voice but Ellie and Nick shake their heads as you enter the bull pen.

"Think I saw her when I arrived around 0700... why?" McGee looks up from his computer.

"She's not in her office and she left before I woke this morning." You sit down at your desk and run your hand through your hair.

"Dead Navy Officer. Grab your gear." Gibbs rushes in with a cup of coffee.

"Gibbs you seen Jack today?" Usually you wouldn't ask but you're too worried to care what Gibbs thinks.

"McGee go ahead, I'll meet you guys there." Ellie, Nick and McGee give you both curious looks before disappearing down to the garage.

"What is it?" Now you're really concerned. What havent they told you?

"You don't know what date it is?" You look at Gibbs confused and then down at your watch. Something about the date is familiar but you cant quite figure it out, too many thoughts, you can't think straight.

"What Gibbs?" Impatient to figure it out.

"She's at Arlington. Its the anniversary." That's all he needed to say. You go stone cold. Should you go and try and find her? She didn't tell you, she seemed fine last night but clearly things caught up when you both came to bed. "Go Y/n. We got the crime scene." Gibbs leaves you there.

It doesn't take you long to get to the cemetery. You pull up and stay in the car for a bit, you can see Jack's mini a few parks down but still hesitate if you should join her. She might want to be left alone. After all she didn't say anything but then again she never asks for help.

You hop out of the car and start to walk down the aisles, you see Jack sitting down in front of the stones and pause a few metres away.

"You can come closer." She says, her voice cracks and you can tell she's been crying for a while.

You move and sit beside her but stay silent. Mostly because you're unsure of what to do or say. She doesnt talk much about her team or of what happened. She had told you once long before you go together and then a few stories from the happier times when you were together.

You see her shaking and can't help it anymore, you pull her into your embrace, wrapping your arms around her and she cries into your shoulder. "I got you." You place a kiss to the side of her head. "I'm here for whatever you need."

You stay like that for a while. Content to just hold her and let her cry. She starts to calm down and takes a deep shaky breath. "They'd like you, you know."

That shocks you and you hold her tighter.

"I came here not long after we got together and told them about you. I know they'd like you."

"Well you do have a great judge of character." She pulls away slightly but only to place a gently kiss to your cheek.

"Thank you for coming to find me." She rests her head on your shoulder.

"Always but next time please dont make me ask Gibbs. I know this is a difficult day for you but I'm here for you through everything. From your snoring to your heart break." You get a slight jab in the gut for that but you feel her laugh against you.

"I don't snore." She protests.

"Guys, does she snore?" You look at each of the tombstones and a sad smile graces your lips. "I thought so."

Jack lifts her head and you see her, her flushed cheeks stained with tears, her red eyes and make up smudged. You reach up and tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I love you."

"I love you too, Jack." She kisses your lips, its soft and too quick. "What do you want to do? Have you had breakfast?" You already know the answer.

Jack shakes her head and starts to get up. You jump up and grab her hand steadying her as she stands. She intertwines your fingers and gives you a sad but comforting smile. "I could go a diner breakfast." You smile and let Jack lead the way.

You quickly turn back and look at her fallen comrades. "I'll take good care of her, she's safe with me." You whisper but when you turn back around you see tears falling from Jacks eyes and you know shes heard you but says nothing.

You refuse to let her drive and promise to pick up her car later. You go to the diner and have breakfast, making sure she eats it all and getting chastised for treating her like a child but you shrug it off.

"The last thing I want is to see hangry Jack before 11am."

You sit in comfortable silence knowing if Jack wanted to talk about it she would and you'd rather not push it.

"So will you let me go pick up my car and then we can get back to work?"

"You want to go to work today? I'm sure Leon wouldn't mind if you took the day off.." You suggest, knowing she knows it but still putting it out there. Hell you'd take the day off is she needed it. Gibbs clearly didn't mind.

"No, I need to work. If it gets too much I'll let you know and I'll go home." She squeezes your hand as reassurance and you leave the diner.

By the time you're both back at the office the team is back. Jack gives you a kiss with a promise to text if she needs anything and you jump into work. No one dares ask what happened and you carry on with your day.

'Think I'm done for the day. Don't worry if you can't come home yet. I'll get some washing and cleaning done and message me when you're coming home and I'll have dinner ready.' You smile down at the text. She passes you with a wink before you can reply.

'I'll pick up dinner on the way home. Enjoy your afternoon and we can snuggle the night away.' You hear her giggle from the elevator.

'Fine but it better be pasta and tiramisu.'

'Done. Love you, I'll be home soon.' You hit send and watch as she disappears behind the elevator doors.

You unfortunately don't get home before 1800. You send her an apology but the case got a lead. Jack sends you all the hearts when the Uber Eats arrives on the door step with her favourite pasta and the dessert she wished for. You smile.

"If you aren't going to concentrate on the case you might as well go home." Gibbs snaps and you look up at him from your desk. Any other day you would've shrunk under his comment but he knew what today was and you weren't having it.

"Sorry my partners - heartbreak is interrupting the case. I'll leave her by herself while we try and track down a killer who killed an Officer who was taking advantage of his crew and did his crew a favour by whacking him." You snap and Gibbs goes to say something but stops just glaring at you. You see the team watching in awe. You don't break his gaze.

"It's late. Go home, we'll pick up again in the morning." He grunts and you slam your keyboard shutting down your computer, grab your bag and shoot out of the office without looking back. You send Jack a quick text before hopping in the car to let her know you're on your way.

The drive home is quick, you're on autopilot and slam the front door shut once you reach your place.

"Fuck, babe. You alright?" Jack hops up from the couch.

"Sorry, Jack. How are you?" You walk over to her standing in the doorway from the entry to your living room.

"I'm alright, what's wrong?" She reaches up and cups your cheek and you smile into her touch, turning slightly to kiss her palm. Nothing's wrong now.

"Gibbs roused at me for texting you and I snapped. He sent us home after that, didn't look back to see if the others left though." You shrug and see the grin spread across Jack's face.

"You stood up to Gibbs because of me?" Of course that's what she took from that. Not the fact that you will probably be reprimanded into the next century for the snap at your boss but you'd do it again in a heartbeat to see her and that smile.

"Of course." You lean forward and kiss her. Its starts off slow but Jack soon takes over, controlling and demanding entrance with her tongue.

You pull back gasping for air. "Now I wish I stormed out hours ago." You both laugh and you follow her into the lounge room where she has your dinner waiting.

"Thank you so much for today, for coming to find me, for holding me and for ordering me dinner when you were working." She drops a kiss to your cheek as you finish up your pasta.

"Always baby. I'd love to hear stories about them but I understand if you don't want to talk about it right now." You place your hand on top of hers which is resting on the couch in between you.

"Maybe soon, right now I want to share this tiramisu with you." You raise an eyebrow surprised she hasn't devoured it yet. "I have some self control." You chuckle as she scoops up a piece of tiramisu and raises it to your lips. You moan at the delicious taste and notice the fire in her eyes and quickly realise why she has so much self control.

"You keep looking at me like that and we'll finish this in our bed."

She hums while slowly swallowing a mouthful of dessert. She places another spoonful of tiramisu in her mouth but you dont let her finish it, kissing her, she places the plate on the coffee table and you push her back into the couch.

She moans under your mouth, you groan at the taste of Jack and your favourite dessert. You explore her body, making sure no spot of her is left un touched and she screams your name. You watch as she comes down from her high and you reach over to continue the dessert. She kisses you and groans.

"I didn't know Tiramisu could taste any better." She moans with the taste of her and tiramisu on your lips.

"Just imagine if it was me-" Youre cut off by her attack of her lips on yours.

"I'll come all over again if you finish that thought." You smirk and scoop up another piece of tiramisu, giving it to her. "For someone who doesn't share food, you sure do share a lot with me."

"And don't you forget it." She laughs and everything from the past 18 hours is eased away with that sound. She is happy and that's all that matters.

It isn't long before the dessert is all gone and Jack now has her mouth set on you. You try your best to argue that tonight is all about her.

"I know and this is what I want.." She says kissing her way down your stomach.

You groan as your eyes lock and she moves to crouch between your legs, you tear your eyes away because looking at her only makes everything come so much faster. You press your head back into the corner of the couch and scream as she does devilish things to you and makes you float higher than the heavens.

. . . 

Apologies if I got any technical stuff wrong.. Clearly I like Tiramisu but feel free to imagine whatever dessert you like. 

[cmncisspnandmore]

Mistakes were made, Part 3. Spencer Reid x Reader

“C’mon Luce, please stop crying” you quietly sob, bouncing the screaming 2 week old in your arms. It was 2am, and as you paced around the living room of yours and Spencer apartment you prayed Spencer slept through her wailing. She wasn’t interested in eating, or burping, of being cuddled. It seemed like all your sweet little girl wanted to do was scream her lungs out.

“What do you want from me?” You ask the infant, sitting down on the couch, and resting her on your knees facing you. For a moment she quiets down to a small whimper and you take a deep breath. Supporting her head with your left hand you hastily wipe away the tears from your cheeks.

“Hey hey, there you go, no need to scream anymore little one.” You tell the little girl who stares at you with wide eyes. After a moment of her whimpering, when you think you’re finally making some progress she starts to scream again. Fat tears roll down her face and cheeks and you start to cry again. You’re completely frustrated, you’ve been upset since 6am the previous morning and your entire body hurt.

You felt like you have been hit by a semi truck, not only physically but mentally. Your hormones were all out of line and every fiber of your body screamed at you to just stop moving and lay still. Although your doctor had sent you home a few days earlier telling you to take it easy, you were still recovering from your emergency c-section.

Unfortunately for you, most peoples’ boyfriends weren’t FBI profilers, so while some people got a week off after your child was home, Spencer only got two days before he received a very demanding call that he return back. So here you were at 2am trying to calm down your daughter, without waking up Spencer. You bring the child to your chest and start rhythmically patting her back, and it seems to quiet her down. After a few moments your beautiful baby is peacefully sleeping on your shoulder.

“Y/n?” Spencer appears in the doorway to the living room.

“Yeah?” You whisper, and pray that Lucille stays asleep.

“Everything okay? I heard the baby.” He walks over to the couch where you are sitting, and kisses your tear stained cheek.

“I-I don’t know… I feel so helpless… she cried for 20 minutes and no matter what I did I couldn’t get her stop. What if I can’t be the mom she needs. And now I woke you up and you have to work tomorrow.” You sob, and Spencer gently lifts the sleeping baby from your shoulder. He gently unwraps her swaddle that is coming apart and lays the blanket out on the couch next to him.

“Sweetheart, it’s going to take some adjusting. Babies are all different, not every baby will be like your parenting books. And not every baby likes the same thing. Don’t ever doubt yourself as a mother because of a few rough nights in the beginning.” Spencer carefully reswaddles her and tucks her in his arm, turning his body back towards you.

You wipe at your eyes some more, and nod. You know he’s right, that you can’t call yourself a failure after one rough night. No one is the perfect parent. Spencer stands up and reaches his free hand out to you.

“C’mon. You need some sleep.” You reach up and grasp his hand and he guides you back to the bedroom. He places the baby down in her bassinet and you sit on the edge of the bed and stare at it. Your head swimming with what ifs and overwhelming emotion, you can feel the tears welling again, and thankfully Spencer notices and stands in front of you.

“Do you want me call Hotch and tell him i really cant come in tomorrow?” He asks, brushing your hair away from your face. You violently shake your head, you know he needs to go to work, the team needs him. You could see it on their faces when they came and visited you the day before you went home. They looked like they were struggling with the case they were working on and having a the genius back at work would probably help them wrap up what they were working on.

“No. They need you.” You mumble out and Reid guides you back against the pillows and pulls the covers up to your chin.

“Okay, if you say so. Just call me and i promise i will come back as soon as i can okay?” He presses a kiss to your H/C hair and then goes over to his side of the bed and crawls in. You roll over and close your eyes and welcome the sleep your body so desperately needs.

~~~

Spencers alarm was probably the most annoying thing you have ever heard in your entire life. Then it dawned on you that it was his alarm waking you up and not your newborn. You shot up straight in bed and glanced around the room for your child. Your heart slamming against your ribs. You quickly throw aside the covers and push the hair back from your eyes. You go out into the living room and there you find your child soundly asleep in her bouncing chair and spencer sitting on the couch, fully dressed in a button up shirt, tie, black cardigan and black dress pants. Hes sipping a cup of coffee and scrolling through a news article on his phone. He notices you come in the room from the corner of his eye and glances up at you with a smile.

He thinks you look cute in your pajamas, hair a mess and sleep still evident in your eyes. “Good morning, love.” He greets, standing up and kissing your cheek. He goes into the kitchen and deposits his empty vup of coffee into the sink and you walk over to your sleeping daughter and pick her up. She makes a noise of protest until you tuck her against your chest, and then she settles back into sleep.

“Morning,” you smile and walk over to Spencer who is grabbing his bag from the kitchen table. He stops in front of you and gently traces a finger along your daughter’s cheek, and a smile spreads across his face.

“I love you both. Call me if you have any problems okay?” He leans down and gives you a kiss.

“We love you too. Have a good day back” You smile and walk him to the door, as he walks down the hall you close the door behind him, a nervous feeling settles in your stomach.

[honestgrins]

The Floral Stench of Death || Klaroline

Klaroline AU Week Day Five: Mythology and Creatures

The old gods had fallen into mere myth, relegated to a muted life among the mortals. Sometimes, one needs a reminder of what it means to rule the Underworld. (Hades and Persephone AU, with an American Gods bent)

Klaus was busy with the books when a ringing bell broke the austere silence of his funeral home. His eyebrow raised at the interruption; few bothered to cross his threshold anymore, not without a corpse to visit. Only his closest family made the effort, which was why he was surprised to find a great nephew loitering in the foyer.

“Anteros,” he greeted with suspicion. “I’d thought you long forgotten, unlike your arse of a brother.”

The gods of old were a scattered bunch, but a few of the Greeks had managed to remain a part of human knowledge. Eros made an annoying resurgence every February, his name invoked too often for Klaus’s liking; the popularity made him cocky. But sexual attraction was an easy thing to celebrate, and Anteros encouraged a deeper love meant to be requited in full. Klaus always found that to be more interesting.

Shuffling uncomfortably, the younger brother even seemed to hold a proper respect for the power Klaus still held in the world. “I go by Stefan,” he explained carefully, knowing the importance of names among their kind.

His real name had been rendered unusable by unfriendly myths and ridiculous cartoons, an unfortunate problem that irked Klaus to no end. Persephone chose well for its replacement, but he missed the reverence of those terrified of Hades himself. This Stefan was a delightful memory of eons past. “Why are you here, Stefan? Not many would dare to ask favors of the Underworld.”

“Eros- Damon,” Stefan cleared his throat, concern furrowing his brow. “My brother has gone missing.”

Lips pulling into a smirk, Klaus’s head canted to the side as the boy squirmed. “I fail to see why that is my problem,” he responded cheerfully. “These days, I’m a simple estate lawyer who happens to run a successful business providing mortuary services.”

Stefan bristled. “You’re the god of death,” he accused, though his voice was strained with the effort to sound polite. “I would hardly belittle your influence in this world, and I think you know what happened to him.”

“He hasn’t fallen under my purview, if that’s what you’re asking.” Klaus shrugged, taking great pleasure in the obvious irritation Stefan poorly hid. “Perhaps it is for the best. Your brother’s not a favorite among the old guard, I doubt many would miss him.”

“My wife is worried, as am I,” he countered, ignoring the gleefully curious look on the god before him. “Certain friends directed me here, loathe as I am to discover why. Have you seen him?”

Klaus dragged his tongue across his lips, hands folded behind his back as he stepped into Stefan’s space. “It was my duty to take stock of a man’s life,” he all but purred, a thrill of power firing through his veins. “To lay judgment for his actions and to decide the course of his eternity in the Underworld.”

Hazel eyes wide with a lack of guile, Stefan fought not to lean back from Klaus’s intrusion. “So?”

“So,” Klaus mocked, “there are no secrets that can be kept from me. I see it all. Your wife, Stefan, does she love your brother?”

Fists curling in his Henley, Klaus smiled, a ferocious thing as Stefan shoved him against a wall. “Where is he?”

Chuckling, Klaus easily broke the finger that held a shiny silver ring, forcing Stefan to release him. “A human, too.” He clucked his tongue in faux remorse. “Imagine Aphrodite’s sons, torn between the same woman. She loves you, but she lusts for him. Think of the stories that would be told.” But his smile turned wicked, a hand reaching up to grip the boy’s throat. “If we weren’t dying out, that is.”

Stefan squeezed his eyes shut, muttering a silent goodbye to Elena, only for them to fly open as the god of death released him from his fate.

“Try next door,” Klaus dismissed with a wave. “You can buy your wife some pretty flowers, so she can properly mourn your brother.” Without bothering to watch Stefan leave, he went back to his work. Some luck, and he might not be late for his evening plans.

“And you’re going to grow deep,” Caroline whispered to the rose cactus, “just be sure to remain moist.” She ran a finger along one of the plant’s spines, coating it with the viscous blood that ran from the man’s thigh it pierced. “I want the pain to last.”

There were days that Caroline missed the simple life of tending her mother’s garden, but Persephone’s botanical prowess still thrived as a florist in the modern world. What lacked were the opportunities to punish those who wronged her, with their behavior, their attitude, their disregard for her position.

As Eros - or Damon, as he preferred to be called, the douche - had committed all three wrongs, she delighted in the angry hiss that came from her favorite plant box.

“I already apologized,” Damon spat, though breathless with contained agony as a stinging nettle wound around his neck. “You were just a cute blonde at the bar, how was I supposed to know who you were?”

Smiling, she urged the hemlock away from his lips. “You were just to keep him still,” she scolded the poisonous plant. “Any more, and it will be too quick.” Her fingers ran lovingly through the soil half covering his naked, prostrate form.

The chime hanging over her door sang out, jauntily clashing with the pop music playing in her shop. “Just a minute,” she called, clearing her hands of dirt. Standing, she rolled her eyes as Damon greedily tracked her sundress up the line of her leg.

This was just one reason why he was going to rot for as long as it took him to die.

Leaving the refrigerated storage room, Caroline found a pretty young man among her more exotic lilies. “You have good taste,” she greeted approvingly. “Can I help you?”

“I hope so.”

She frowned at the hesitant, almost fearful tone of his voice. Hardly anyone would fear Persephone at first sight, let alone her persona of Caroline Forbes. While she enjoyed the reminiscence of her old reputation, the suddenness of it all put her on edge. Her head canted to the side as recognition hit. “I know you.”

Stefan nodded, not bothering to deny the Olympic blood that tied them together. “I suspect you know my brother as well,” he answered instead. “Klaus sent me here. Do you have Damon?”

“He’s asked for you.” Determination in every step, Caroline walked through the aisles of her shop, plucking cut flowers and greenery to some unknown rhythm. “Well, he asked for Elena, but your name was sprinkled in there, too,” she explained, nonchalant.

Sighing, Stefan ran a hand across his face. “Dare I ask what he did to offend you, your grace?”

She positively preened at the use of her former title. To reward his manners, Caroline decided to grant him peace of mind. “I happened to run into your brother last night while having drinks with a friend,” she explained. “He seemed to think a pleasant conversation was an invitation to drug my margarita.”

Like a light had been extinguished, his shoulders sagged in resignation. “Please, I know he doesn’t deserve mercy,” Stefan begged, “but-”

Caroline held up a quelling hand, her glare deceptively friendly. “And when informed of his mistake in attempting to take advantage of the queen of the underworld, he laughed.” Her expression hardened, making Stefan wince. “In my face.” But as quickly as it came, the stern frown left and a bright smile was in its place. “You seem nice,” she told the young god, bouncing on her toes as she went about wrapping the bouquet she had gathered. “I’ll let you say goodbye.”

Before Stefan could follow her nod to the back room, though, her eyebrows raised in warning. “If you try to free him, you’ll pray my plants kill you before I do.”

With an audible swallow, he left her alone. She set the bouquet in a lovely crystal vase, and she was busy arranging it for perfect balance when her door chimed again. Glancing up to the clock on her wall, she shook her head. Even with a cheerful smile on her face, Caroline’s voice fell flat with disappointment. “You’re late.”

“My apologies, love,” Klaus answered lightly, careful not to brush the vines slithered up the doorway on his way in. Leaning on the countertop, he watched her murmur encouragement to a too small flower until it grew to her satisfaction. “I’m afraid I suffered the same distraction of Stefan’s brotherly woes.”

Caroline shrugged, fondly patting the display before setting it aside, just outside his reach. Reaching across the counter, she welcomed her husband with a kiss. “Unfortunately, it takes more than a few growing buds to sap a god of his energy,” she sighed, brushing through Klaus’s brassy curls. “But I hope a few months in my planters will teach young Damon a lesson he won’t soon forget.”

Turning into her touch, Klaus pressed a kiss to her wrist. “I wish you would let me take care of him.”

“And I wish you would let me enjoy hunting him down over the centuries when he surely does this again,” she sighed, adopting what she called his patronizing tone.

Klaus knew better than to keep up the fight, so he held out his hand. “Shall we?”

Happily, she let him lead her toward the door. “Oh, Stefan,” she called. The god returned obediently, looking worse for the wear. “Mythic Florist is closed for a standing dinner date, but that arrangement is yours, on the house.” Caroline winked at his utter bemusement. “It should go where Elena sleeps. Hyacinth to promote her grieving process for your brother, hyssop for the sacrifice you both make for his foolishness, and forget-me-nots to remind her of the true love she still has in you.” She leaned into Klaus, her own love that had sustained her through the ages. “Rot and ruin like Damon is only as good as the healing it can provoke.”

Tense with anger, Stefan moved to throw the vase. Klaus, however, laughed. “My wife is a generous soul,” he said, kissing her temple. But turning back to Stefan, his smirk turned dangerous. “Don’t test it.”

As Stefan stalked out of the shop, still clutching the vase and powerless to challenge them, Caroline laced her fingers with Klaus’s. “He’ll be back.”

Klaus smiled, squeezing her hand. It had been so long since their status had been recognized, even mere acknowledgement a powerful taste of addictive belief. “We can only hope.”

Links: FFnet and AO3

[shawnmend-yes]

One night

@neverland1924 So here’s your requested angsty Shawn, I hope you like it. Please send in more requests.

LIKE SERIOUSLY GUYS TALK TO ME. REQUEST ME. I LOVE TALKING. IM NOT SCARY.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

“Do you have to go?”

You glanced back at shawn, who was lying on your bed, watching you with those smouldering eyes.

“Im just saying yanno, you always say how we don’t spend enough time together and then you just leave?”

You sigh and turn back to the mirror. “Shawn don’t try to pin this on me. You know ive had this planned for weeks.” Making a small adjustment to your dress you wander out of your bedroom and across the landing to the bathroom.

You hear the bed squeak as shawn adjusts himself and you assume he is getting up to follow you. You reach over the sink to search for your makeup bag and begin applying a light layer of concealer to the underside of your eyes to cover the light circles forming there.

The two of you had been having this discussion on and off since last night and the effects where beginning to show. You were just so sick of it, of everything. Everyone else had their boyfriend around 24/7 but you didn’t. Of course you didn’t blame shawn for that. It was his job, and you knew that it would be like this, you signed up for it, assuring yourself that it didn’t really matter as long as you loved each other.

You caught sight of shawn in the corner of the mirror, leaning casually against the door frame, watching you yet again. He seemed more solid than yesterday, as though he was physically planting himself in front of you to prevent you leaving. You knew he wouldn’t do that, he had always respected your space, but it annoyed you.

You took in a deep breath, “look Shawn, I know its not ideal, but these guys have really been here for me-“

“you mean like I haven’t?”

You checked his profile in the mirror, his jaw was clenched and somehow his arms, that had been hung loosely were now crossed tightly across his chest. Exhaling deeply you replied “That’s not what I said and you know it.”

“But it is what you meant, isn’t it?” he muttered.

You turned around. “no shawn, its not.”

He laughed at you derisively, “of course it is, your doing this to punish me.”

You whirled round in shock.

“What” he asked defensively.

“Are you fucking kidding me shawn?” tears pooling behind your eyes, you shook your head lightly. “That’s completely out of order!”

“No its not, you’ve decided that since im away for months you can just replace me with anyone who will you give you attention.” You watch his eyes flit to yours, waiting for a reaction, but you refuse to give him one. You refuse to let him spoil this night for you.

“I know its unfortunate timing” you begin but he doesn’t let you finish.

He makes use of his large frame and lifts himself off the door jamb, his hair almost brushing to top of the doorway, before continuing his rant, “Hell I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve got another bloke on the go.”

You turn your back on him and quickly swipe a stray tear that had released itself. You reach back into your makeup bag and take out an eyeshadow. Just as your about to apply the powder to the brush its thrown out of your hands. “Will you just stop doing your makeup for one fucking minute?!”

“Fuck off shawn.” You snarl at him stretching to retrieve the container from the sink where it had fallen. However his long arm reaches the container faster and removes it from your grasp.

“Not until you talk to me.” You make a grab for the powder but he quickly hides it behind his back.

Annoyed you push off the sink and leave the room, you hear his footsteps padding along softly behind you. “Where are you going?”

“To get my shoes” you state simply.

He follows you through to the bedroom, “im sorry, I shouldn’t of said that thing about the cheating-“

“No you shouldn’t.” you snap at him, pushing past him as you head back to the bathroom.

“I just, I know its selfish, but I want you to myself? You can see your friends any time.”

“That’s not the point” you murmur at him. Rummaging back through your makeup bag.

“Then what is the point? The way I see it your choosing your friends over me.” He sighs, reaching for you.

You brush him off impatiently, “You mean like you choose your job over me?”

“That’s not fair-“

You cut him off. “No, you know whats not fair? You. You don’t get to pick and choose when I hang out with my friends. I know the timing sucks but I don’t think its too much to ask to be able to go out with my friends.”

“Well I don’t think its too much to ask to spend one night with my girlfriend.” He shouts back with barely contained anger.

“Exactly, one night.” You reply, voice dripping with contempt. “Its one night. Its always only one night. Your gone all the time, and that sucks, its like im dating the invisible man. You’re never here.”

“Its times like this im glad im not here.”

“Its times like this I wish I was still single.” You retort.

You watch as his features crumple, and reach forward to soothe him. Or at least you try to but he moves away from you. As quickly as the vulnerability came through it disappears.

“I cant believe this.” He whispers. “ I cant believe your using my job as an excuse.”

“I cant believe your using my friends as an excuse!” you cry, moments away from breaking down.

“Had you ever thought,” he replies, glaring scathingly at you “that maybe, just maybe I wanted to spend time with my girlfriend?” your heart melts at his words, and a part of you almost gives in.

“You put so much effort into your friends, maybe you should do the same for your boyfriend.”

“Well excuse me for trying to keep my friends” you explode at him “You know, the people who are ACTUALLY AROUND UNLIKE YOU”

He stares at you in shock as a few tears roll down your cheeks, hot and heavy.

“I came back for you.”

“maybe you never should have left in the first place” you mutter swiping furiously at your cheeks.

“this wasn’t supposed to be so hard” he sighs, running a hand through his knotted hair. “This isn’t fair on you anymore maybe we should just-“

“Don’t you dare. You do not get to that. You don’t get to ditch me over the fact that your not here. Ive learned to deal with it. Im sure you can manage one night.” You watch as he sits on the rim of the bath. “I mean it shawn, stop making me out to be the bad guy.”

He blinks at you as you reach down to tie your shoe. You struggle to tie the straps as your vision is blurred with help back tears but you refuse to give in.

“y/n… please just don’t go” He whispers.

You continue to struggle with your shoes, “Who do you think you are? Its one fucking night shawn. Cant I have one night?”

“You can every night from now on.”

You glance up at him to check if he was being serious, upon seeing his emotionless face your hands begin to tremble and you collapse onto the floor in a heap. “Its just one night” you murmur.

Shawn watches you struggle for a moment before shifting onto the floor. He pulls your leg towards him and wordlessly begins to tie your shoe delicately. “You didn’t even tell me you were coming…” reaching out you tilt his face towards you to meet his eyes. “You know I would have planned it differently otherwise”

You needed him to know, he had to understand that as much as you loved him he wasn’t in control of your life. But damn did you love him.

“Its not one about the goddamn dinner y/n. Why don’t you get that?” he begs you to understand.

“Then what is it about shawn?” you ask tiredly.

“we never get to spend time together.”

“I know.”

He sighs, holding your ankle in his lap, “What are we gonna do?”

You stare at the ground for a few moments before speaking. “I don’t know shawn… I really don’t. But you know I love you right?”

He nods at you, reaching for the other foot.

“Wow,” you joke, poking him in the cheek “no I love you back?”

He meets your eye and stands up, dropping both your feet out of his lap. You stare at him in confusion, why hasn’t he said it back? Your gaze never leaves him as he stretches, body rippling.

“Shawn?” you whisper timidly.

He grabs onto your hand and pulls you up in front of him, quickly kissing the top of your forehead. “I love you too.”

You release a breath you didn’t realise you had been holding in as you reach up to wrap your arms around his neck for a hug. A small cry escapes your lips as he swoops your feet off the ground and carries you down the stairs.

Gently he sets you back down onto your feet.

“Go and have fun with your friends, ill be here when you get back”

[subterrenianofficeworker-blog]

this is affordable

Hark back to pre ark marksmanship at your local car dealership saying well only if i can get it cheap and then maybe perhaps we’ll bother to save the sheep, oh poor poor old thing how dare you weep, as if to dismiss the cracks and the bleak, well theres still something at all. Warned in private history to keep yours a mystery cuz thats the only way youll get any of them to listen. But lending an ear i remembered for once i aint got naught to say ahah, well how do me! Princeton talking like principle walking, my government rules the world and are so far above me i dont even know anymore what governmeant. You can class and ask and pretend and make amend and change your stakes in ten but at the end of the night its still just hurtful and uninteresting, but remember to remind me in the middle of forgetfulness so i can hold it in just right to feel bad but on outside onset just stupid and silly. Facts and fools say look at me! And i tell that really brother i cant see at all, for brother im a know it all and you cant laught cuz sister (i see by new school, youre a doctor now, you got nothing to fear and everything scares you you tell the world!) and yes yes everything crosses my mind except for what really is and i like it that way. I know knothing at all! See i told you i know it all. I still wake up with my hand asleep and my lower spine deeply annoyed but you know its simply and simply best put underfooot and forgotten. I never dream of waking up havent you heard? The new word order requisites seventeen by this afternoon and if you dont i mourn you already in fact backstage they keep all signs of sugar clean and clear so no one comes near and no one cares at all and you learn that hah ha ha no one cares afterall but six months later you learn afterall was just a dream or an afternoon and you cant get mad cuz i hate afternoons i hate them so much nothing good can get done in them alone, they practically force humanity on me and humanity is still recovering cuz lets be frank they all find me rather rank and prudish so ill not come out at all you heard my dear she could sing and the boy from under the hill with a father unfortunately and untimely killed he was so happy, well at a young age he knew better than most that he cant speak for anyone else and i was jeaslous cuz all i knewd at that age was basic arithmatic and that im bad a t basic arithmatic and that i dont want to grow older anymore cuz i was afraid of life and working at such a young age geez my momma shoulda known geez it not her fault but im still not sure if i forgive her. Should i get coffee? Im not sure if i want the pressure or if i want the effort i know for a fact sleep is good for me but the only man who ever thought me fashionable whence sleep is gone gone and probably dead somewhere inside your head and youre deaf to all the shouting of other mans voices that youve been and known. God help me. God make me a home. One with love and kindness (or in life very least laughter) all holding sincerity. And none at me for charity. No i do not want a crown what else can you offer me and does it mean anything what else can you show me. Real love is at the heart and i hate all the death i see, all the death of your feelings and crooning, do you still mourn? And if so, done sexlessly i must ask? As i know how you think its rolling. Freud is lost on you. But me too so what can i say? Well really? What on earth. Nobody finds appeal or fancy in a silly boy with no shoes saying his life is better led in dreams in dreaming. Well a week ago he wasnt waiting for you anymore nae he werent waiting for anyone. Sure life was only in his hands, and sure life was alone. Life is alone? I have always been begging and as you know gagging for you to prove me wrong you stupid stoner. Hah. well love, it was changed and pointed and instead of waiting for his guts to be handheld rushing past danger well off the cliff he was jusst waiting for his heart to throw himself off the parking garage because he knew it was always painful he knew too well and through tthe bone he was no fun and neither was life ah ah if only i was him poor boy. Well he got a call from his cuzn down the hall and he sayd well maybe if you aint to embittered by what the past should say you may want to come with all of us and move north. He said yes in an instant, even though it may not even work. He said yes. Well moving on never to forget what it was but really i dont understand as it wwere and as like was the feeling but only what it said. And on blank page it can be read (as we choose to invalidate the unwanted as if it were never writ). Blueberry trees seeping tea in coffee just as a dream to what cloulour if it would fix my hair? A d it in s a old cocoanutt oil jar to really suit my head and jaw please make me cool and please please me was playing in a dream in a doorway but you see the record changed but is still in the collection dont you see what dreams are and dont you see what im looking for, far back of my mind i find that nobody else is looking and i go on i hear, alone in a room boy go on go on go on. But nobody is reading and nobody is hearing. Im only testing im only teasing. Oh you cunt on the hunt why you always croonign and brooding I I I I I II I  I I I I I I I yes we know I is a very important person to you well she certainly is to me some rooftop is said but never tread or read, for i am proudly forty six hyears old and illiterate aha take that mom! No dont actually reading back up a little… nobody dares yet so eager to lend me things and im not yet sure the ultirior motives! Ah is it for me to tell the man you love that youre a good person and you like to share? Is it because what you have you really love and you in genuine heart want to share it? (do you know what words 13 and 14 in sentence even mean?) i feel sick to my stomach all the time. You know me. Or at least im told so. Is it because you canttttteeadbjbaajkdadjasjdksekjdsjkdsjdsadassadfmfnsdndasfnewdfwdsdfeeesfftwdffwedsdkfrlfse efsnfsdfksdfnsfdffilewnferkenrfreknfrfenfrfnfsjaenae ewsjrngerjgke.wFJWGBGUGJG NSEFENAWDNLK or a little pity for my poor corpse to be! Do you follow me? I know you dont want to. None of the people reading this  are the you in question yes i alone am not you even though you use that word sometimes it means something totally different and i dont mind. Im very sad.

[fireflyfish]

May I Present Master Jinn?

Previously on Tano and Kenobi...

Ahsoka Tano stood before the Jedi Order and pleaded her case. In spite of suspicion and doubt cast on her by none other that Masters Ki-Adi-Mundi and Sifo Dyas, Grand Master Yoda managed to convince the Council to accept Ahsoka back into the fold. Finally, Ahsoka Tano has become a Jedi Knight and now it’s time for the real work to get started...

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The Jedi Council broke up for lunch after meeting with Ahsoka as some gave her suspicious looks but a few came over to personally welcome her.

“I am always happy to see a fellow Togruta join our Order,” Shaak Ti smiled, reaching out to touch Ahsoka’s shoulder.

Ahsoka nodded her thanks in return. “It’s good to be back, Master Ti,” she said, surprised at such a warm welcome. “I was gone for far too long.”

“Grief can cloud our judgement,” Shaak Ti agreed, squeezing her shoulder before she took her leave.

Yoda hummed thoughtfully as he stood at Ahsoka’s side. “Wise and kind, Master Ti is. Know her, do you?”

Ahsoka’s expression was wry and amused as she glanced down at Yoda. “Yes. I looked up to her when I was a padawan.”

Chuckling to himself, Yoda gestured for Ahsoka to follow him out of the Council Room. “Come, come! Test your navigation skills, I will. Find the great hall and lunch, we shall.”

“Knight Tano!” a voice filtered through a rebreather called out, and Ahsoka froze, her heart clenched tight in her chest.

Master Plo!

Turning around, Ahsoka tried to control her emotions, to tamp down on her overwhelming joy at seeing one of her favorite Jedi alive again. It had been difficult to hold back the tears before the meeting but now that he was walking towards her, now that she was older and taller than the last time she saw him, all the years apart hit her at once and it took all her control to stay standing.

“Master Plo Koon,” Ahsoka said, bowing and hoping she didn’t sound as emotional as she felt. “My master spoke very highly of you.”

“How unfortunate I was never able to meet this… Master Skywalker,” Plo Koon said, running his finger under his chin. “Forgive me for asking a personal question but, have we met before? I sensed a connection that has surprised me.”

Ahsoka swallowed and shook her head. “No. I don’t believe we have.”

Well, not yet anyway, Master Plo.

“How strange,” the Kel Dor Jedi murmured, glancing down at Master Yoda, whose ears perked cheerfully. “The Force was quite insistent. I suppose I must meditate on this further.”

“A good idea, that is, Master Plo,” Yoda commented, clicking his staff on the floor for emphasis. “Your guidance, I sense Knight Tano will need.”

“Of course,” Master Plo nodded to the Grand Master. “If I can be of help in anyway, please do not hesitate to ask, Knight Tano.”

“Th-thank you, Master Plo,” Ahsoka managed to get out without bursting into tears or throwing her arms around the Jedi Master. She watched him depart and then turned back to Yoda. “To the dining hall?”

Yoda chuckled as Ahsoka knelt down and let him clamber up onto her back. “For the ride, thank you. Discuss your path forward we should.”

Ahsoka nodded. “Yes. But I also wanted to ask about Obi-Wan. Is he really going to be sent to Bandomeer if no one takes him as a padawan?”

“Surprised are you?” Yoda replied, his taloned claws gently pressing into Ahsoka’s shoulder. “Know this tradition, you should.”

The Grand Master had a point. Although the Clone Wars had caused the Order to promote almost any initiate that managed to make it through the third level of training, she could still remember her early years when they had gossiped with the younglings about who had been picked and who had grown too old to be chosen. She remembered watching one young Twi’lek boy who was caught crying in the corner of a hallway when he was informed he wasn’t going to move on to an apprenticeship and could either stay in the Temple as a mechanic or could return home to his family that he did not know.

She never found out what happened to that child.

“I know the traditions but maybe they need to be reconsidered,” Ahsoka offered, her voice light and hopeful. “Thirteen seems too young to write off a sentient. And Obi-Wan is so talented! I know if he just had the right master he would flourish under their teachings.”

Yoda canted his head to the side. “Agreed, we are. Powerful in the Force, Obi-Wan is. A great Jedi, he might be. But emotional, rash and reckless, he is. Fear and anger, many sense in him.”

“He’s thirteen!” Ahsoka protested, wincing at her too sharp voice. It wouldn’t do to get on Yoda’s bad side after he had just vouched for her in front of the Council. She couldn’t do this the Skywalker way. She had to negotiate, to reason with the Grand Master and the Order itself. “I’m sorry. I spoke too… harshly. But maybe the fear everyone is sensing is his fear of being cast out of his home?”

“Perhaps,” Yoda mused, pointing to the right. “Another time, we will discuss Obi-Wan. To the right, our meal is.”

This isn’t over, Master Yoda. Not by a long shot. Ahsoka let out a sigh and turned around. “Yes, Master.”

“Lose faith, do not,” Yoda said, patting Ahsoka’s shoulder. “Revealed in time, Obi-Wan’s master will be. Know this, I do.”

“Did you have someone in mind?” she asked, curious and hoping to prod the ancient master in the right direction. “Perhaps a diplomat or someone similar?”

Yoda laughed out loud at this, the swells of humor nearly knocking him off Ahsoka’s shoulder as they stepped into the dining hall. He leapt down from his perch and clacked his way to the line, greeting all Jedi alike with a twinkle in his eyes. He beckoned for Ahsoka to follow after him and she did so, shaking her head, bemused.

After lunch, Ahsoka was whisked away by a padawan working for the Quarter Master’s office. She was officially given the room she was already sleeping in, assigned a personal communicator, a identification code as well as an appointment to return and get fitted for her robes.

After she was done with that bit of housekeeping, another padawan, dressed in healer robes appeared in the doorway and Ahsoka was bundled off to the Halls of Healing for a physical and a series of booster hypos. She was scheduled for a follow-up visit as well as a visit to the dentist, which sent Ahsoka in a fit of laughter, puzzling the poor healer who couldn’t understand why she hadn’t had the time to maintain proper dental hygiene when on the run from the Empire.

Once freed from the clutches of the well-meaning healers, Ahsoka stepped out into the Temple and looked around for a chrono. She had promised Obi-Wan that she was going to catch up with him during his last hour of saber practice and she did not want to be late. Master Obi-Wan was never late and Ahsoka couldn’t help feeling like she had to live up to him, to make sure she didn’t change the young initiate’s destiny too much.

Besides, as much as she loved Anakin, he was notoriously tardy and she got a little tired of having to stare at the ground while another master lectured them both on the importance of being on time.

Of course, Anakin would have retorted that he was on time when it mattered.

“I thought there was a chrono around here somewhere,” Ahsoka muttered to herself as she peered around a corner, searching in vain. “Kriff it! I could have sworn there was one in this hallway.”

She spied a tall, broad, imposing figure walking down the hallway with the sedate pace of a master. Half of his brown hair was pulled up into a tail and the rest left to fall around his wide shoulders like a cape. Ahsoka hurried after him in the vain hopes he knew where the nearest chrono was and if he could point her in the direction of the Northern Solar room.

“Excuse me!” she called out, wondering how someone who seemed to move at a glacial pace could cover so much ground. And Ahsoka thought she was tall.

I think he might even be taller than Skyguy!

The Jedi Master in question turned around, a curious expression on his face as he folded his arms over his chest. “Yes? Can I help you, young one?”

Ahsoka came to a stop, chuckling and waving off the Jedi’s comment, because she most certainly didn't feel young anymore. “Hello! I don't suppose you know what time it is or how to get to the Northern Solar room? I've been out in the field for a while and with all the renovations I'm completely lost.”

The master reached into his robe and pulled a small chrono and read off the time. “It is 1530 hours and if you're searching for the Northern Solar room you’ll need to turn back around, take a left and go all the way to the end of the hall and take turbolifts on the right to the fifth level from this one.”

Ahsoka mentally walked through the instructions and then nodded. “I think I got it. Thank you for your help.”

“You're welcome,” the master smiled, kind and inviting. “I don't believe we've met. I'm Qui-Gon Jinn. You said you've been out in the field for a long time?”

Ahsoka’s eyes nearly bugged out her head and she managed to cover her shock and delight with a wide grin. “Yes. I was. But I can't believe it! You're Master Jinn? My master told me all about you!”

Qui-Gon Jinn in the flesh! Here was the answer to Obi-Wan’s prayers and all she had to do was gently nudge the two together.

Fantastic! Maybe I could invite him to our training session.

Qui-Gon seemed politely amused by Ahsoka’s statement. “Oh really? And who might your master be?”

“Master Skywalker but he… passed away,” Ahsoka replied, wondering when and if that would ever be any easier to say. It still felt raw and wrong even in the midst of a happy meeting. “But he was a fan of yours.”

“How unfortunate I never got the chance to meet him in person,” Qui-Gon murmured, his voice low and resonate like a summer thunderstorm. “I am sorry for your loss Knight… ?”

“Ahsoka Tano,” she said, bowing to Qui-Gon. “And thank you. Even though it happened years ago it still… it still hurts.”

“Yes, well, that is why we must be mindful of our attachments,” Qui-Gon commented, folding his hands into his sleeves and Ahsoka realized just where Master Obi-Wan had acquired that particular habit. “A Jedi must always keep their mind on the present moment and the living Force, lest our sorrow and grief drag us down a darker path.”

Ahsoka nodded in agreement. “Yes, of course. I'll have to remember that. Thank you.”

“It was my pleasure, Knight Tano and now if you will excuse me, I must be off,” Qui-Gin seemed to gather himself up and turned towards the other end of the hallway. “I have an appointment in the Senate building and I mustn't be late.”

“Oh! My apologies Master Jinn,” Ahsoka took a step back and watched the towering man head towards the end of the hall before she remembered. “Oh! Master Jinn? If it's too much trouble, could you… oh.”

Master Jinn had already turned the corner and moved out of earshot, the fastest-moving glacier Ahsoka had ever seen. She let out a sigh and shook her head, glad that Master Obi-Wan hadn’t developed that habit from his master, before she turned around and headed off back the way she came.

Obi-Wan and her first real teaching awaited.

Obi-Wan hated Soresu practice.

No, that wasn’t true. He didn’t hate Soresu practice so much as he was exhausted, his legs ached, his feet throbbed in his boots and he had run out of electrolyte mix a half hour ago. One or two of the forms made his feet cramp up and Master Drallig seemed driven by the Sith Hells themselves to stay and make sure Obi-Wan put in the time he owed him from yesterday.

“Again, Kenobi,” Drallig called out, his faintly nasal voice somehow reaching over the din of the other class of initiates. “This time keep your stance lower and make your movements faster.”

“Yes, Master,” Obi-Wan huffed, moving back to the head of the golden line that was engraved on the floor of the training salon. He looked up as the chrono chimed for the next hour and he glanced over at the entrance to the hall, hoping against hope that Master Ahsoka would be there to save him from another hour of “Faster and more intense”.

The shadowed doorway was empty.

She’s probably just lost. She’s really only been here for two days and it took you three to memorize where they moved the Exoflora and Fauna lab to. And besides, she is a knight and you are an initiate and oh thank the Force!

“Master Ahsoka!” Obi-Wan called out, rushing through the rest of his form before giving Master Drallig a half-bow and darting over to her. “You’re here!”

“Of course I’m here!” Ahsoka laughed, wrapping an arm around him as he walked her over to a row of benches where his towel and empty drink cannister sat as well as a carefully-wrapped training saber he had hidden in his sleeves on his way to class. “And I stopped to get you something to drink, since I stumbled across the commissary.”

Obi-Wan’s eyes grew round as he happily took the ice cold bottle of Pantoran berry-flavored supplement drink and twisted the cap off. “Thank you, Master Ahsoka! I… I ran out only just now.”

Shaking her head, Ahsoka patted the bench next to her. “Did you tell Master Drallig about our arrangement?”

Obi-Wan nodded, guzzling a third of the supplement drink down with relish. “Yes. He didn’t like it and said he would stay and ‘supervise’.”

He made air quotes with his fingers and set the bottle down, beaming up at her. “Can we start now?”

“Did you finish your Soresu?” Ahsoka asked, her brows raised in an expression that made it clear that just because she was going to teach him jar’kai did not mean he was going to get out of his other lessons.

Obi-Wan grinned. “I have one more movement and then I’m done. Here! Hold this!”

He grabbed the concealed training saber, shoved it into Ahsoka’s hands and then hurried back onto the floor, prepared to make this last movement of Soresu picture-perfect.

Maybe if I can pick up jar’kai quickly, maybe Master Ahsoka will… I mean, she is a knight and even though she’s a Shadow, her cover did get blown, maybe she could… it is possible. And I think there is a connection there? Is this what a connection feels like?

“Focus, Kenobi!” Master Drallig called from across the room, his arms on his hips as he watched.

Obi-Wan nodded and took a deep breath, focusing his concentration on the Force and trusting that his muscles and bones already knew the steps. He worked on moving with strength, precision and flowing one movement into the other until the whole thing became a dance, the saber sizzling and hissing around him as he spun and lunged through each part. He was one with the blade, could feel the crystal inside humming with joy as he worked. He ticked off each step in the back of his mind with a mechanical satisfaction and then with a twisting kick he landed, the blade in a reverse grip and the blue white plasma hovering just above the arm of his tunic but not close enough to singe.

Ahsoka burst into applause. “Obi-Wan, you were amazing!”

Pride blossomed in his heart and Obi-Wan popped up out of his stance with a grin so big he thought it might split his lips. He bowed to Master Drallig, who smirked in what might have been an approving manner and waved him off to train with Ahsoka.

“I'm all done with Soresu, Master Ahsoka,” Obi-Wan announced, running back over to her. “Can we start jar’kai now?”

“Sure,” Ahsoka smiled, handing over his drink cannister and patting the spot next to her on the bench. “But why don’t you take a little break? You’ve been going for how long now?”

Obi-Wan gulped down another third of his drink, breaking only to inhale a huge lungful of air. “Three and a half hours but I don’t mind! I have been looking forward to your lesson.”

Chuckling softly, Ahsoka shook her head. “Well I’m not going to enjoy it if you pass out in the middle of it. Sit down, Obi-Wan. I’m not going anywhere.”

Resigned to taking a break, Obi-Wan collapsed onto the bench next to Ahsoka. “Did your Master teach you jar’kai when you were a padawan?”

Ahsoka glanced down at Obi-Wan before she turned her gaze elsewhere, a distant, if pleasant expression on her face. “Not at first. At the time he took me on, I was mostly using a reverse grip and he hated it.”

Shocked, Obi-Wan’s mouth dropped open. He couldn’t imagine how devastated Master Ahsoka must have felt. There were times when a harsh word from Master Yoda would make him want to curl up into a ball and pray for the Force to take him away. But to have your master actually tell you they hate your fighting style? To your face?

What a nightmare!

“What did you do?” Obi-Wan asked, taking another sip of his drink. “Did you change it?”

“I tried to,” Ahsoka nodded, drawn back into the room they were sitting in. “But eventually my master realized that I wasn’t going to change and he suggest I study jar’kai and supplement my right hand with a shoto.”

Obi-Wan was stunned silent, marveling at the fact that a master could change their mind, that they could change at all and that a padawan could have that kind of say in their relationship. He had been taught that good padawans dutifully follow their master and always do as instructed. If your master taught you Ataru, that was what you were going to learn. If your master did not see the need in teaching you certain skills, you would simply not learn them. The idea that the relationship between a master and padawan could go both ways, could be collaborative had never occurred to Obi-Wan before.

“What was he like?”

“Who? My master?”

Obi-Wan nodded, his gaze focused on the bottle in his hands. “Yes… I should have liked to meet him, I think.”

Ahsoka let out a soft, muted sound, like a sigh but with more feeling. “He… Master Skywalker was… He was very young, when he took me on. In a lot of ways he was like a big brother, strong, smart, and very brave and kind. He was so very kind. But he… he had a temper. I know he worked hard to control it but it was hard for him.”

Ahsoka looked down at the top of Obi-Wan’s head and remembered their earlier talk about Bandomeer and frowned. She reached out to put a hand on the young boy’s back, between his shoulder blades. “And he hated to see injustice go unpunished. He taught me that it was more important to do what is right, than to blindly follow orders. He… he wasn’t very popular with the Council.”

Obi-Wan looked up at Ahsoka. “Now I really wish I could have met him. I am sorry he’s gone, Master Ahsoka. He sounds wonderful. You must miss him very much.”

“Yeah…,” Ahsoka sighed, pulling Obi-Wan a little closer. “I do. But I’m here now and he would want me to take care of you. So c’mon, Obi-Wan! It’s time to for your first jar’kai lesson to start.”

“Yes, Master Ahsoka!” Obi-Wan leapt off the bench and ran onto the training floor, Ahsoka happily following him.