#i was afraid of cats at one point bc my sister was attacked by my aunts cat

[godmademewithoutarms]

If u think cats are evil bc they're mean to u and attack u maybe u should take a step back and ask urself why the cat is acting like that?

[the-owl-tree]

On a related note I guess - not trying to bring you into every Warrior Cats drama (that should be a registered torture method considering this fandom's history) - but how big of a Bramblestar hater do you think you are and on a scale from one to ten how pissed would you be if you told you someone had a whole ass post fit with drawings twisting Squirrelflight into the villain of Bramblestar's story (cause "they only hear Squirrelfight's side" or smth like that do they even hear themselves) from this one line she says in her super edition after being tired with his abuse bc it makes him fweel weal bad :( that was sooo mean of her you guysss

I've seen a few "think of Bramblestar's feelings!" posts and you know, hadn't read the book before so I couldn't really examine them further beyond "my gut says ur wrong" lol

but reading it...I'll give some understanding in that the book is VERY openly imploring the reader to consider Bramblestar's point of view in this. It uses Squilf's perspective to constantly ask the reader to put themselves in his shoes (paws?) on how he would feel if his deputy was sneaking around and how he's soooo stressed.

But that's kind of where my good faith ends because on further examination of the book, Bramblestar's actions just don't line up to him being stressed. His actions come across as him obsessively controlling Squirrelflight because he's afraid of having his authority undermined. No, it is NOT her job to unequivocally back him up on everything he does, especially considering the book has displayed he is making bad calls and is not being rational.

Like, take the "why are you doing this to me?" line that gets thrown around. It's not Bramblestar upset that Squirrelflight has potentially brought someone dangerous to the camp, it's him upset that she is undermining him and challenging his control over her. At this point, neither ThunderClan or the reader know who attacked who (and we still don't know who started the fight between ShadowClan and the group of Sisters btw just that both groups had a member be grievously injured). He has been behaving irrationally up to this point:

-He is refusing to compromise or find alternatives for the territory dispute despite the fact that three of the Clan leaders are itching for a fight.

-When Squirrelflight tries to find a solution, he immediately blames her with the potential death it could cause and also uses her wanting kits to personally attack her.

-He has restrained her control and is forcibly keeping her under his thumb to the point of it being petty.

-And further on in the "why are you doing this to me scene?", he is actively giving a voice to Thornclaw and his pack of followers. He is encouraging the violent rhetoric against the Sisters (which we later learn is because he ALSO does not value their lives on the same level as the Clans).

Like sure yeah the book is encouraging this narrative, but when you actually read it, Bramblestar is just focused on controlling Squirrelflight and getting mad whenever he believes he is being undermined. His actions and the narrative do not much!

[asillydreamer-on-a-crazyworld]

OK, now that I’m normal again and my feelings are not all over the place I’m ready to talk rationally about the episode.

I’m gonna start saying that I loved it.

Annie:

I always thought that Annie ended up like the most dysfunctional adult bc Beth was there to clean up her messes.  Beth, as the older sister, took Annie under her protection and I think she was way more like a mom to her rather than a sister. We all can see how every time Annie has a problem she can’t deal with, she goes to Beth. She relies on her.Beth became Annie’s safe place whenever she lost control over things in her life. I understand Beth in these situations but I also think she could have handled her sister better, let her deal with her problems rather than running to her when she called it. I always wondered if this co-dependency she has on her big sis is also one of the reasons Dean doesn’t like Annie much. I can clearly see him arguing with Beth about her always going to her sis while she has a family to take care of.

I loved that Ruby told her what Beth really was for her. How she sacrificed a lot just to be there for her little sis. I think Annie knows it too, but sometimes she is so caught up in her own problems that she takes for granted what Beth does for her. And I’m not saying that to make Annie the bad guy here. She is just human and like I said, she was not the only one responsible for the person she became.

What I loved is that later, she feels it, deep down, Ruby’s words. They were inside her head the whole time she went back home, I bet and that is why we also see her so fragile while talking to Sadie. She is finally facing her own demons bit by bit, she is afraid that she is not being a good mom, a good influence on Sadie... She is afraid because she knows her own faults as an adult and she probably feels ashamed that she can’t even afford the medicine her son needs. I understand and respect her for not wanting to ask for anybody’s money bc she wants to succeed in being a good parent to her kid once in her life.

Also. Finally, the moment when she opens her eyes about what Noah did. People call Annie stupid and naive. I think she is mostly naive. She trusts people too easy sometimes. But she is smart ( I think we can agree that she slips a lot but again, she is just human) and she quickly connected the dots in her head when Ruby asked who could have known about Boland Motors. I don’t know what she is gonna do, but I think she is gonna confront him rather than play some kind of cat/mouse game with Noah.

One thing about Noah tho:

I don’t think he is working for Rio. I’ve seen some theories about it but his reactions yesterday tells me that he was feeling guilty and worried. He likes Annie, and frankly, with her goofy, carefree nature it’s so easy to like her. If he was working secretly for Rio or was his inside man in the FBI, I don’t think there was a reason for him to feel any of those feelings. He would know they wouldn’t end up finding anything and that she and her sis would be safe. And about using her in any way or lying to her about it?  I think if he is catching feelings for her as I think he is, he wouldn’t need to be so worried bc, after all, they are all working for the same guy, right? Noah would feel a bit like a d-bag but I’m pretty sure he’d feel like they could talk it out in a way.

From the synopsis for episode 12, I do think that in the end they both are gonna talk about what Noah did.

Ruby:

OMG RUBY!!! She was perfect, as always. From supporting Stan, to not let her man wallow in self-pity  and also standing up for Beth, this woman again shows us how loyal she is and how far she is willing to go to help those she loves, while also thinking about how this will affect her family in the long run, but she knows there is no way out right now. She needs to keep going bc there is no other option. Stan has no job, they have bills to pay, kids to feed and with her job, Ruby can’t deal with everything financially on her own.

I just love how strong she is despite everything. I really can’t say more about Ruby in this episode bc I see Ruby as the moral compass in the show. And I can’t wait to see how She is gonna deal with the obstacles on her way bc we know they are huge and they will make her go against some of her own values here to help her hubby and her family. I’m dying to see how she handles it.

We know she is afraid and that is why she did what she did on that bus. Throwing the drugs away showed me how desperate she suddenly became and I think that it was because she thought about how Sara treated Stan after he was arrested. She panicked bc she didn’t wanna her daughter to go through that again, watching another parent being arrested in front of her friends. Imagine the humiliation for Sara? Ruby loves her kid and she knows she suffered after seeing what happened to her father. She didn’t wanna ruin her relationship with Sara too. I understand, u, boo. I got u!

I will be here rooting and suffering with her and Stan. 

Beth:

ohh Beth... How beautifully complex u are.U guys know I’m biased when it comes to this woman but she had one of my favorite scenes in the episode.That scene of her in the store... GOD! What a scene. The suspense, the thrill she got for doing something wrong and the possibility of getting caught, the song while everything was happening.. slowing down and down... PERFECT. She was trying so hard being good but this dark thing inside her was awakened and demanded to be fed.

She had a taste of it, of freedom from the dormant life she lead. This is a woman who lived, breathed, for everyone else but not for herself. Beth Boland never got a chance to know who she really is, what she likes to do, what she could be. She was molded into that momma persona and I think it’s natural that she struggles between being just that and the scary possibility of finding out what, who else she can be. 

If u had to start all over again, find out who else u wanted to be, wouldn’t u be afraid too? Yeah, for some ppl it can be exciting as well, but most people will feel fear also.

I think that by the last scene of her, she is feeling just like that: afraid but excited as hell.

When she laughed and said it was fun almost being caught by the feds? CHILLS literally chills !! Beth is flirting with this wild side of her that get’s excited with power and challenges.

This doesn’t make her a villain, in my opinion, just someone more complex and that is embracing this side we all have that makes us wonder: “what would be like to not care at all? For rules, for being nice and polite all the time, sometimes to ppl we hate or don’t care at all? What if I just cheat and lie to get what I want as other people do? They don’t seem to care and they are in a better place in life than me.”

I love when writers let us see how a character struggles between the lines of what we accept as morally right and what we think it’s a no-go for “good people” like us, when we know nobody is perfect or a saint.

Watching her sitting inside that car in the dark and then leaving... Her chair empty...

We saw earlier in the episode when Dean (stupid Dean) asks her if she misses it and she says “would it matter?”.  He says something else about her cookies and she just smiles but then we see the smile leaving her face and I was like:

OMG GIRL. I know.. I know it hurts and it sucks.

Her breaking down? One long time thing coming. She needed that. It also shows us that she might have another breakdown soon but this time with Dean. Beth is so fed up with just being the good momma, the good person... Always doing the right thing. No more. And if Dean keeps pushing her?

 Ohh I don’t wanna be him.

Beth x Rio.

ok Now, on these two. I let my shipper feels get the best of me. 

SUE ME.

I have this hopeless romantic side of me that can’t help but go all in in the feels.LOL

That being said:

DO I think that what Rio said in that promo was like a marriage proposal? OF COURSE NOT. And I am sure a lot of ppl know that. It’s called shipper behavior. We all allow ourselves to be a bit silly about it.

AGAIN. SUE ME. xD

We don’t know how that scene is gonna happen and what will be really said, in addition to what we heard them say but like u, dear follower or person who sees my posts in the tag know, I do believe Rio have personal reasons and way more practical ones to want Beth working for him again.

Some say it is a punishment for the headache she probably caused him when she said she was out. However, I’d argue that it is not that good of punishment because she likes it. She likes to work with him. She likes doing it. But yeah, for a lifetime? Not what I think she has in mind or will want it in the long run in that sense, I agree that it is one but not an effective one or the best way to punish her, RIGHT NOW.

And there is a big IF in what I said bc what if she ends up wanting to do that in the long run? We don’t know what direction Beth’s character will follow in the future.

Now back to the point, yeah it looks like a punishment and I’m sure she will freak out about Boomer’s body and we still don’t know what else Rio is gonna do and their relationship right now?

A mess. An UNHEALTHY, hot mess. Because again he has all the power.

Again Rio is gonna feed on her indecision and fears and he will get what he wants from her in the end bc this man is not playing around.

That is why I don’t think he has softened. Rio is like a snake. He will surprise u and attack when u less expect him to.

He surprised her in the park. He followed her or we can say he knows her well enough now to know exactly where she is. And again Rio showed her he is one step ahead of her ( and of everyone else it seems lol).

I see a man who is a planner, a charmer, a cold killer when he needs to be, a father, a rational, logical, smart man, controlling and who loves power and who also can be an attentive, soft lover if he also wants. He is a man who knows how to read people. But the fact that he reads Beth so well? I don’t think that is because she is weak, but rather that she is too much like him in some aspects.

He respects her. No one can say the contrary.

But he won’t let her ruin things for him, so here he is making sure she doesn’t, she goes to that park and tells her the FBI is going to BM bc if she gets caught? The feds will have info on the little operation they had there!

But they were also partners so, if he lets her go down for this, he only has things to lose. Her included. Because, yeah I believe he sees her as a valuable asset. 

Beth, with her efficiency, intelligence, and courage, secured herself a place in his organization, and people like her, even if a bit dangerous ( and are not all of them like that? the people he deals with on a daily basis?)? They are the kind of people born for what he does and he sure as hell won’t let her go.

And I believe he keeps pulling at the strings he has on her tighter bc he knows she is not sure of what she wants herself, but he won’t let her slip away from his fingers.

That is why I also think he is in way too deep with her. Why he let her under his skin and he is not thinking rationally, not 100%. She probably won’t use the dealership again ( for reasons - the FBI still there and Dean). I don’t know how she is gonna do it but she will go back to launder money for him and I believe he will help her with that.

DOES HE NEED TO?

NO.

She is taking too much of his time already. This woman is soo high maintenance. Too much of a headache.

However, I believe he likes it. He has fun with it. He lets her get away with too much. Oh, you all know I said that A LOT of times before.

I do believe he wants her, like hard still.

He is a man after all, who appreciates good, pretty, not too easy to get kind of things.

Beth Boland is like that. She is interesting.

Do I believe they will drive into the sunset together or that he will turn into a puppy for her?

 LMAO nope.

I’m happy with how the writers are handling things for now.

The only thing I hated was how they didn’t give us the trio comedy that Rio x Ruby x Annie is. But I guess they preferred to spend more time on that scene of the FBI breaking into Boland Motors 

But, yeah, I have faith in the writers and the cast bc they gave us a lot already and if they could make an episode look great even when heavy spoilers were published, oh just imagine what else they can give us.

I think we’ve been well fed compared to other shows ( I said that already but whatever. I still believe we are!)

Balance is not easy to manage and hell, I’m happy I’m not a writer bc damn,  it is not easy to keep everyone in a fandom happy.

( there is no way u can feed everyone, not all the time, right?)

sorry that this became such a monster of a post xD

[gotatext]

TASK OO1 / OOC SURVEY.

[kermit voice] hallo.... its me 

YOUR ALIAS & NICKNAMES — nora

AGE — 23

TIMEZONE — gmt

PREFERRED PRONOUNS — she/her

MBTI — enfp-infp border cos im an introvert who Masquerades as an extrovert :)

HP HOUSE — i spent 10 yrs of my life thinkin i was gryffindor.... to find out.... huffle....puff...... 

ARE YOU A STUDENT? WHAT DO YOU STUDY? — i fuckin wish! being a student was dope af i got stressed about essays like once a month and apart from that i was just chillin, surrounded by really intelligent people every day n livin it up on the party scene. adult life fucking sucks no one wants to have fun cos we all work fuckin tonnes of hours so we can afford to eat and get paid peanuts xx

ARE YOU ENJOYING IT? — im really afraid of bein one of those jock types who peaked in high school but i deff peaked in uni like 100% i was way more interesting 2 years ago

LINKS TO OTHER ACCOUNTS & SOCIAL MEDIA — im not showin u my instagram bc im a fuckin embarassment but this is pinterest , this is my personal blog, this is my writing / 1x1 blog i never use any more n this is my trash talking twitter where i mostly just cry about timothee chalamet and bash the tories. 

DISCORD USER — kristine’s forehead vein#8664

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FICTION GENRE? — i dont read fanfiction much but when i do u can be sure it’s slow burn angsty enemies to lovers mutual pining heart attack every time one of them accidentally brushes the other’s hand

TOP FIVE FAVOURITE FILMS — suspiria (2018 luca guadagnino version rogue i kno but i prefer the remake), the lobster, before sunrise, baz luhrmann romeo + juliet, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,  thoroughbreds (REC!! so underwatched pls watch it. compelling female characters), hunt for the wilderpeople (also so underwatched), swiss army man, call me by your name, atonement, moonrise kingdom, trainspotting, the florida project. i rlly like films ok

A BOOK YOU FEEL “CHANGED” YOU? — the song of achilles by madeline miller n also fen by daisy johnson

A MOVIE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? — booksmart cos its fuckin dope

WHAT IS YOUR SIGN? — libra

ARE YOU INTO ASTROLOGY? —  i like to pretend im super invested in it mostly to anger my friends but tbh.... i just use it as a rough guide for character creation.... its fun but i dnt .... fully invest in what it has to say..... altho i am the most unbalanced n indecisive bitch on earth so i guess they got that right !! i just live to please baybeyy!

WHAT PLATFORMS HAVE YOU ROLEPLAYED ON? — tumblr for about 8 year (omg) n before tht facebook..... i was very embarassingly in a twilight rp..... i wrote jane..... i also rped as a scene kid oc n when i was like 12 i was on some weird forum harry potter roleplay where i basically played a self insert with georgie henley as the fc......

WHAT OTHER HOBBIES DO YOU HAVE? — i used to have so many hobbies but now i jst lie in my bed staring at the ceiling. but before i was workin like a dog i loved reading, writing, acting in theatre productions..... going out on the town getting bevved..... big druggy EDM nights in warehouses tht probably weren’t liscenced for tht many ppl..... gigs... costume-design and making, spoken word poetry, acrylic painting n rollerskating but my sister broke my skates abt two years ago in vengeance and i’ll never forgive her that fuckin bitch

HAVE ANY PETS? IF SO, TALK ABOUT THEM! — no my landlord is a fascist

IS THERE A TV SHOW YOU RECOMMEND A LOT? — i’ll never stop reccing euphoria!! also i was pleasantly surprised by looking for alaska!! but i also rlly like bob’s burgers, parks and rec, good omens.... black mirror, n sharp objects. lovesick on bbciplayer (n netflix i think) is also rlly fun

ANY SHOWS YOU LIKE SOME MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT YOU DO? — maybe love island, idk if i talk abt that much bc i am ashamed but i am so obsessed with it. i even got the love island game n got so invested in my fictional relationship w bobby tht i had to delete it

WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT? — god god... i haven’t finished a book in ages.... i recently started reading milkman by anna burns, the bees by laline paull and everything under by daisy johnson.... bt the last book i read cover to cover was probs circe. defs read it. feminist and witchy

CURRENTLY READING? — i jst said this but the bees, everything under and less so milkman cos im finding milkman a bit tough

LAST FILM? REC IT? — i watched ladyworld the lord of the flies all-female remake n even maya hawke could not save it.... dnt get me wrong from an art film point of view i loved it but it felt a bit underdeveloped n a level media studies for me..... apart from tht?? the runaways (yorkshire film not released yet at a preview screening) and threads (also a yorkshire film from the 80s about nuclear apocalypse)

THREE MOVIES YOU NEED TO WATCH — portrait of a lady on fire, i work at an independent cinema n we recently had a preview screening and everyone said it was SICK, uhhhh short term 12, n the new eliza scanlen movie babyteeth

WHAT MOVIE DO YOU THINK YOU’VE SEEN THE MOST TIMES? — madagascar because when i was 12 my parents bought me a little television with a dvd player in it for my birthday and madagascar was the only dvd i owned for like..... the first two years of havin the absolute luxury of a tv in my room so i just used to watch it all the time n i now basically know the script inside out

WHAT ALWAYS PUTS YOU IN A GOOD MOOD? — nothing, life is pointless n i hate fun, let me rot in peace

WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE MUSICIAN / BAND? LIST IF THERE ARE MORE THAN ONE. — ughhh god probably lcd soundsystem. gorillaz, the streets, tame impala, talking heads, soft hair, i also love lizz tho n also angry twangy guitar girl bands like girlpool, courtney barnett, best coast, cherry glazerr,

WILD NIGHT OUT OR QUIET NIGHT IN? — quiet night in my party days are over i cant even be bothered to go to the shops if its past 4.30pm and dark these days

ANY PHOBIAS? — clowns n rats

DO YOU LIKE BUGS? — absolutely not

BIRDS? — yes but not if they fly in my face

ARE YOU A CAT OR DOG PERSON? BOTH? — i love both i want one 

BIGGEST PET PEEVE? — tory middle aged boomers who treat me like actual shit on their shoe because i work in the service industry like thats my choice and their poor economic decisions didnt mean i have to do a shitty job to afford to live bcos of austerity n cuts to arts funding meaning i cant get a job writing unless i self-fund :)))

FAVOURITE THING ABOUT THE RPC? — that everyone ive met through rp is a fuckin LAFF

TOP TEN FAVE FCS TO USE? — god .... diana silvers, timothee chalamet, margaret qualley, kristine froseth, froy gutierrez, zendaya, elle fanning, astrid berges frisbey, hunter schafer, leonardo dicaprio

FIVE YOU LIKE WRITING AGAINST? — herman tomeraas, hunter schafer, saoirse ronan, timothee chalamet, froy gutierrez

FAVOURITE TYPE OF FOOD? — linda mccartney 1/2pounder mozzarella veggie burgers, sweet potato wedges, tomato soup, mozzarella sticks, brownies

WORST FOOD? — green things like broccoli n sprouts gross. baked beans cos as a kid ppl used to do baked bean baths for comic relief / red nosed day a lot n i thought when they were finished in the baked bean bath they just put all the cold beans back in the tin. actually anything small that moves around on your plate. peas. spaghetti. sweetcorn. i dont like small things i cant control.

DO YOU PLAY VIDEOGAMES? IF SO, WHAT ONES AND ON WHAT PLATFORM DO YOU PREFER? — last year my housemate had an xbox n i went through a phase of obsessively playin fable 3 it was amazing. i had like 5 husbands and 3 wives and loads of kids but they all ended up leavin me cos i spent so much time out doing quests neglecting them

ANYTHING ELSE YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE WITH THE TAG? — this

LASTLY, HOW DID YOU FIND US? — im one of those bitches who was in this grp all the way back when it was swipe... so quirky and original!! i knew the band before u! anyway im goin now this has been sufficiently embarassing..... i am lame

[rhabakoli]

Targets On Their Backs

So, here it is, Part two of this HC by one of @dreamwritesimagines followers, bc I can’t seem to stop myself.  It’s about 2.2k words, 4 pages long, and it’s quite... something. 

Also, if anyone has a better title, shoot. 

Gala and Ubbe had moved Ragnars bed into the new room, while you were walking around in circles, holding you son to your chest and humming softly, trying to keep him calm and quiet. He had started fussing, when Eitr flew out the door. The bird had yet to come back, which made him restless. Ubbe sat on a chair, feet on the table and played with his dagger, his axe on his lap. Even you, inexperienced in war and fighting as you were, could tell what he was doing. “Do you think there’ll be another attack tonight?” He scoffed. “If there’s more than just the one assassin, they’d be mad to try. But I’m still not leaving until someone is here, who can at least throw a dagger.” “I can throw a dagger.”, you murmured. You almost accidentally hit your husband, but who had to know. As it was, you still were glad he wouldn’t leave. “Thank you, Ubbe.” 

He made a dismissing gesture. “You’re family. I can’t let anything happen to you.” Gala put the last furs on the bed and then came over to you. “Do you need anything else, before I go?” You smiled at her. “No, thank you, Gala. Get home and rest, today has been… well.” She nodded, gave Ragnar a little wave and was about to leave the room when Hvitserk stepped in, his arms laden with books. They almost collided but he reacted quickly, shifted the weight in his arms and steadied Gala by grabbing her shoulder. “Excuse me, I didn’t see you, Pri-” “It’s Hvitserk.” One corner of his lips pulled upwards. “I don’t like when you call me by my title. I’ve told you before.” “Yes, Hvitserk.” He lit up when she said her name and then went to put the books on your table. “You’re gonna stay here for a while, I thought you might like to have your books here.” “Thank you.” You noticed Gala turning towards the door once again. “Hvitserk, won’t you join Gala on her way home? I am not comfortable with her being alone after the attack.” He didn’t need much convincing. Gala looked at you with wide eyes, before blushing and pulling her cloak closer around her shoulders. Your brother-in-law motioned to the door and bent slightly at the waist. “M’lady.” Ubbe snorted and winked at you, when you turned to him. “Subtle, Sister. Real subtle.”

Ragnar was sleeping in his bed with Eitr, now clean again, residing on the head end of it. She was staring at the door, as if she was expecting someone to storm in at every given moment. You went over to her and stroked her soft feathers, kissed her small head and spoke to Freyja, expressing how grateful you were for her present. You stood there for a while, watching your son and your bird, and you tried not to think about all the ways tonight could have ended. Your son could be dead. Eitr could be dead. Hel, more guards and Gala could have been killed. Oh Gods, Gala. The poor thing had been through so much with you, already. You’d have to prepare a present soon. Something to express your fondness and how much she was needed and appreciated. Maybe you could find her another cat. Surely, Earl Erik could give you some pointers, perhaps he knew someone who had kittens. Then, something else came to mind. “Ubbe.” At you voice, he raised his head and turned slightly in his seat. “Who’s the best at throwing? Daggers, I mean.” “Ivar.” He turned around fully now, sitting backwards on the chair, one arm on the backrest, the other hanging over it, swinging his axe slightly. “Why? Do you want to learn?” “Least I can do, no?” Ragnar gave a little snort, making you look. His soft baby hair was in complete disarray, and you wondered who he had it from. He had a lot of it too. You wished you could ask your mother. “Y/N, do you think that’s the best idea?” “I can’t always rely on you all. At some point, someone’s going to get through, get to us when no one is around.” You straightened your back, raised you chin as you threw him a look. “You said it yourself: You won’t leave until someone’s here who can at least throw a dagger.” You shrugged. “And daggers are way lighter than swords, after all.” Ubbe laughed and shook his head. “You and Ivar really deserve each other.” “What, because it’s uncommon for a woman to handle a weapon?” “No, not for born Vikings. But they also can hold a sword for more than 5 seconds.” “I am not christian anymore, am I?” “I think you’ve never really been.” He leaned his head on his hand, tilting it to the side. “You’ve adapted way too fast. Maybe it was fate after all.” “Thank you.”

Ubbe turned towards the door, when you heard voices. Soon, the door opened. Ivar stepped in, closely followed by Bjorn. “Ivar, you can-” “I know what I can, and what not.” He looked furious. “Don’t try to tell me what to do.” “I’m not, I’m just saying, maybe you should-” “You should shut up.” Ivar came straight towards you, letting his crutch fall to the floor and pulled you close to him. Immediately, your arms were around him and you were pressing your face against his neck. Bjorn threw his hands in the air in a slightly exasperated move and shook his head. You peeked out underneath Ivars jaw, seeing Bjorn pointing at you. “Talk some sense into him.”

Then he turned, gave Ubbe a slap to his shoulder to make him move. At the door, he stopped, smirked, bent at the waist, with one arm stretched to the side and went after the oldest brother. After the door closed, Ivar relaxed a bit. He softened his hold on you and looked over the cribs sides, watching his son sleep. Eitr flapped her wings once and let out a hoarse croak. “Ah, I’ve got something for you.” You raised your head, surprised. “Are you talking to my bird?” “Yes.” Your eyebrows almost left your forehead at that. Ivar ignored you in favour of your bird, who watched his every move. Your husband conjured up a piece of meat, dark, juicy, fresh as could be. He lifted it, Eitr following his hand with her eyes. When he was sure she’d react, he threw it and watched the falcon catch it midair. “You… did you slaughter a goat just for that slab of meat?” He laughed. “No. The cook did.” “But you specially went to get it.” He looked down at you, frowning slightly. “Yes. She murdered an assassin coming after our child.” The look on his face turned grim. “I’d serve her a whole horse, if she was able to eat it.”

You slept awfully. Every other noise made you wake up in a panic, frantically looking towards the crib, where Eitr still watched over Ragnar. Ivar awoke right with you, always, pulling you back down against him, shushing you and stroking over your hair in an attempt to soothe you. Thus, you were exhausted and pale, with red rimmed, dry eyes. You could hear the guards outside talking, muffled voices and laughs. Ivar slept next to you, seemingless dead to the waking world. You slowly got up and went to see your son, who was just like his father. There was no denying it. He was sleeping on his belly, spread eagle in his crib, a bit of fur gripped in one tiny fist and drool collecting on the sheets. You weren’t saying Ivar the Boneless, most ruthless Viking to live, was drooling in his sleep, but… well, if his sleep was deep, contrary to usual... “Y/N.” You jumped, barely keeping in a yelp. “Ivar.” You swallowed your fear, trying to calm yourself. “Did I wake you?” “No, love.” He sat back against the headboard, raising an arm towards you. Quickly, you went over to him and joined him under the covers. His hand came to lay on your back, not breaking contact, even as you positioned yourself against him, arms around his neck and leg thrown over his hip, the other curled against his side. This way, you were eye to eye with him. “Morning.” Ivar nudged your nose with his, pressed his hand between your shoulder blades and kissed you good morning. He came away humming and a serene smile splayed on his lips as he pressed little, soft pecks all over your face and down your neck. “How is the little prince?” “He’s well. Sleeping, drooling, just like his father.” You squeaked, when Ivar bit you in turn. “You dare being this brazen towards your king?” His voice was rough from sleep, deeper than usually. He let his fingertips of his free hand wander up your thigh, pushing up your shift in the process. “I can do as I please, I am the queen, after all.” “Hmmm.”, he rumbled. “That you are.” He grabbed your bum with both hands and lifted you, placing you in his lap. “Ivar!”, you protested. “Oh, shh.” He took your face in his hands, studying it, tilting it from side to side and lastly brushing your hair back from your face. “Are you alright? I know you didn’t sleep well.” “As alright as one can be, after last night.” You stroked over his shoulders, followed his tattoos down his chest. “And I feel like I should ask you that question. You couldn’t have slept much either, with me waking you up all the time.” He shook his head, frown in place. “No, don’t you worry about that. I am more used to it.” He heaved a shaky breath, stopping your hands on his skin by laying his own on top of them.”Y/N.” The way he said you name, made you fear the worst. “What?” “I feel like it is my fault.” “What, the attack?” You were ready to launch in a long rant about his tendency to talk bullshit, when he stopped you. “All of them. Your poisoning, the tea-” His voice broke and he cleared his throat, as he laid a hand on your belly, probably thinking about the child that would have been your first. “The attack on Ragnar.” You took his hand, kissed the palm of it, silently encouraging him to go on. “You can’t deny, it’s been a lot, and it’s been awful for you, for the child as well…” He took a deep breath, eyes now glassy. “And I-” He clenched his teeth, jaw muscles tensing so hard, you were afraid he’d never be able to release them. “I think I should let you go.” “What?” You felt as if he had punched you in the guts. “How did you even-” He clamped a hand over your mouth, big, round eyes looking up at you, pleading. “A better man would let you go, release you from your vows, so you can go away, far away and live without a target on your back.” His eyes hardened before he closed them, hands coming to the back of your head, pulling you back down to him. Ivar breathed you in and leaned his forehead against yours. His hands fisted your hair, holding you close. You mirrored him, stroking your hands up his chest to his jaw, thumbs dragging over the bone. “I am not a good man, love. I can’t let you go, I am too selfish. I need you close, I need to know where you are at all times, so I can protect you, shield you.” It was no lie. He was too headstrong, too impulsive to be a truly good man. But he was good enough for you. He was loving, gentle, with you as well as Ragnar. He even bettered his behaviour towards his brothers. And that you told him. Your fingernails scraped over his skin, brushed through his hair, calming him, as it always did. “You don’t need to be good, to be right for me, Ivar The Boneless, King of Kattegat, most feared Viking of all lands.” He watched your face, hands now on your hips, simply holding you against him. “I don’t think sending me away would do any good. I’d be an easier target, even. I’d still be your wife, I wouldn’t have the heart to deny it. And why is that?” A small smile showed on your husbands face, before he answered what you’ve asked him innumerable times now. “Because I have it.” “You do learn, after all.” Eitr let out a coo from her spot over the bed, a sign that Ragnar was waking up. And true it was, just moments later his baby-blabber filled the room. He was happy and talk active in the mornings, making you dread the time when he’d be actually able to form words. “So don’t think like that. You might be selfish, but you are not at fault. It is the people who seek your throne, your misery, who are to blame.” Softly, you pressed a kiss to his lips and then got up. “The young prince awaits.”

**

Part 3

[alienpupy]

Yup, I have a Marvel OC. This is Slepnir Lokison, mai chaild.

NOTE: Sleipnir is actually Loki's child in the original Norse myths from which the MCU version is inspired. I did my reaserch but I also changed a lot of things about the character (bc hOLY HECC the original version is fucked up).

I got the template here:

www.deviantart.com/awkward-ner…

Bio after the cut!

Hero Name: None

Real name: Sleipnir Lokison

Nicknames: Slei, Blue, Icicle

Age: 203 earth years

Sex/Gender: Nonbinary, they/them/their or xe/xim/xir pronouns

Orientation: Asexual/Aromantic

Species: (Frost) Giant/Shapeshifter

Ethnicity: N/A

Nationality: From space

Current residency: N/A

Physical appearance:  

Eyes: Pinkish-red with thin pupils and grey whites

Hair: Greyish-silver, shaved on the sides but flops on the left of their face, kind of like an overgrown mowhauk

Build: Thin but solid. Not much visible muscle but still a lot stronger than you'd expect.

Height: 9'5"

Powers:

Slei has a relatively simple set of powers, most of them simply due to their species or heritage from Loki. They've never had "proper" training per se, but learned to use them on their own for the most part. They don't hesitate to fight when they need to, but know their limits very well. When using their shapeshifting abilities, they have a reddish-pink glow to them so you can't really see the transformation itself. And the pale blue marks on their body sometimes emit a faint white glow when Slei's angry or stressed out.

Shapeshifting abilities: Slei can technically turn into anything, but they have a few specific forms they take  on more often than the others because they take less energy to turn into. It's a lot more tiring to "freeform" a shape rather than to turn into one you're used to. And seeing as Sleipnir was born in their horse form, that's the one they sleep in, though they usually take on the frost giant form in their waking hours.

Nightvision: Again, self-explanatory. Slei doesn't often blink (which can be unnerving for some), and adapts extremely quickly to different luminosities, so it's very hard to blind them. They see things almost the exact same at night and in the day. Like a cat. If there's even just a tiny bit of light, they'll catch it.

Minor ice magic: Well, seeing as they're in part a Frost Giant, they can manipulate ice to a certain degree. They can't summon it, but if there's water/ice and it's cold, they can make it levitate, mold it, and use it as a weapon. They often make blades out of it and hurl them toward the enemy, ot make sheilds/walls with it. Also, Slei is naturally very cold. Litterally, their body temperature is about 5°C. 

Weaknesses:

Heat: Seeing as they're a frost giant, Slei has dificulty dealing with temperatures above 20°C. They get exausted a lot faster and are just less endurant in general. Fire is their worst fear.

PTSD: Because of child abuse and neglect, Slei sometimes has panick attacks with various triggers. Sometimes just a few words or an expression can cause them. It's one of the reasons they prefer beeing alone most of the time.  A few of their triggers include: talking about biological familly, being accused of things (whether they did it or not), pointing, brusque movement, the sound of flowing water and plain white walls.

Their size: This generally isn't a problem out in space, but on earth it's difficult for them to move around or stay unnoticed due to the fact that they're almost twice the size of most humans. They try their best to shrink their form when going inside but it's very tiring for them to stay that way. On the other hand, it makes harder for anyone much smaller than them to pilot Verdandi2.0 (because that ship is taylored for Slei).

Personality:

Generally quiet and reserved, a good listener, and can often give good advice. When they speak, it's often straight to the point, though when annoyed, sarcasm is their choice language. Generally easygoing but gets ticked off if someone acts/is presented as superior. They hate hierarchy, preferring to consider everyone an equal. Won't tolerate lies or an attitude, doesn't take bullshit, but apart from that they're extremely patient. Apreciates it when they're listened to. Doesn't have an extremely high self-esteem, but knows their strength and limits very well. Hates stress and pressure, and sometimes has panic attacks when threatened.(PTSD is a bitch)

Bio:

Slei is the fruit of a secret relationship between two shapeshifters, Loki Laufeyson and Svadilfari. Loki is the God of Mischief and adoptive son of Odin. Svadilfari is a giant from Jotunheim who live at Asgard for a while at the service of Odin. The two were good friends, and eventually became much more. Neither of them told anyone of their relationship. They had a child. It was an accident, really, but they did. And Loki wasn't ready to take care of it. He didn't even want to tell anyone about their relationship, and Svadil didn't take kindly to that. Neither of them had the courage to kill the baby either. So Svadil returned to Jotunheim without telling anyone, and took the baby with him.

Needless to say, Svadil was a very shitty parent. Not that he didn't try, he just... gave up pretty quickly. For the first few years he really tried but after a while he sunk in a depression. He blamed Loki for everything wrong in his life. He started drinking and became... violent. Those whips that Slei has? Those belonged to Svadil (he got them custom-made while in Asgard) and he wasn't afraid to use them. Despite how endurant and quick to heal Slei is, they still have scars on their back from them. Slei didn't have any friends during their childhhod at all, and spent most of their time out in the ice mountains, alone.

At the age of 152, Slei was fed up and left, stealing the two whips along the way. They'd spent two years making themselves a small ship out of scrap metal that they called Verdandi (they got the name from a book of asgardian legends that Svadil had. Verdandi is one of the three Nornes, sisters who weave destiny. Verdandi's name means "what is happening presently"). They crashed on a planet not too far from Jotunheim and made a friend there for the first time, Left. They stayed with Left for about 26-27 years and learned a lot from them (like how to make a ship that actually works). They built the Verdandi2.0 while there, and then left Left (Left was having a hard time supporting both of them and Slei felt like they'd stayed too long).

I'm gonna write few fics about how they end up in MCU but just so you know, it happens post-IW in an AU where everyone (eventually) comes back to life. It starts with Slei finding Tony out in space and helping him get backto earth.

Here's a ref for their horse form:

sta.sh/029xz83ym5va

[alrightjean]

Tw : death . My kitty died.

We feed a stray cat everyday and more than a month back she had kittens. She comes for food at our place but stay in my neighbours property which is towards the back of my house. After the kittens were born i was so eager to meet them bc i could always hear their sweet like meows. One day she brought one of the kittens around just to show around i guess. Now my and my neighbours property are on two different levels(?) so the mother cat would have to jump a significant height to reach our house so she never brought the kittens up here that i know of. Anyway the kittens got bigger and the 2 kitties along with the mother cat started coming around our house a few weeks back. The kitties were so cute and small, white with yellow and black patterns i dont know the gender but it looked like a boy and a girl. At first they would run when they saw us but gradually they warmed up to us. But theyre still skittish around humans so we havent gotten to pet them. I havent named them so i will call the girl k1 and the little boy k2. Lately they have been around our house all the time and theyve even started to sleep here. The kitties love playing and hiding around all the trees and plants. We dont allow strays inside our house but my parents have taken a liking to them so whenever these kitties try to sneak inside our house we dont mind as long as they dont get on the furniture. K1 always comes asking for food and is a little less afraid of us compared to k2 who never comes near us. He is the more playful out of the two, always trying to climb on the trees chasing after butterflies and trying to cratch birds. Just today afternoon i saw him trying to catch a crow. Hes just so inqisitive and its saddens me that that was what killed him in the end.

Just before midnight we heard the sound of a pack of dogs fighting on our street. Stray dogs are a major menace here and they create a ruckus and fight each other every now and then so we didnt check to see what it was. But this time a dog just continued howling almost like in pain. So i looked through the window and i could make out two dogs scrambling at smth near the drainage slabs so i thought maybe one of them had fallen in. A car was parked near it so it blocked the view. ( I think the dog was ok or smth bc we didnt hear anything after that) My mother and i went upstairs to the second floor to get a good view. She looked first and told me very unempathetically might i add that our kitten might have died, that he was lying in the middle of the road. My heart dropped to my stomach and with dread i went to the window hoping for some miracle that it was not what she said. But sure enough it was k2 lying there unmoving. The dogs had attacked him. I refused to believe he was dead and even hoped desperately that he was just sleeping on the road, that nothing was wrong. My mother left at this point, saying theres nothing we can so. I told her to tell my dad to atleast get him off the road so that he wouldnt get crushed by vehicles but my sweet sweet mother just said its just smth thats gonna happen. I stayed and kept looking for any movement. At this point 3 bikes passed by, all around the unmoving kitten. My wishing thinking that he was just sleeping on the road didnt work and i felt so helpless and started to cry. But as i watched i saw his tiny hands moving. He was alive but he was too injured to even move. I went downstairs and told my dad. Now this is almost midnight so it was not exactly safe to go out and i thought he would say the same. My dad loves both the kittens so surprisingly he agreed,he went to the gate and looked at the road and saw k2 lying there. He went out on to the road and carried him up with an old tshirt and laid him on the porch. The mother cat and k1 came from where they were sleeping under the car to his side. His eye was injured badly, i couldnt see any other external injuries or bite marks but his fur looked dishevelled and dirty and wet. He was down really bad and i dont know if there was some internal bleeding or he might have alos been in shock. He couldnt move at all. He was breathing rapidly we didnt know what to do we thought some water might help and tried to give him some. After a few moments of laboured breathing he became still. A few seconds later he lifted his head and tucked it between his hands....he didnt move again. His little sister was standing by his side she didnt cry but kept licking at his body so my dad covered him up. The mother cat didnt give much attention.

Its 5am now and i feel so distraught and tired. I feel guilty and helpless. I feel so much hatred for the dogs that killed such a poor thing. He was so small and curious he just wanted to see everthing. I never see these stray cats go out on to the road. I believe k2 wanted to explore the life beyond the gate and i think it might have been his first time too venturing this far outside so it is truly heartbraking. We have been feeding stray cats at our home for 3 years now and a few of them have died (that we know of) but this one hits the hardest bc of how brutal it was. My mind keep replaying the image of him lying in the middle of the road and i cant stop thinking abt how the attack might have come. He was so guarded around us i cant imagine how terrifying it mustve been with all those dogs. I am so sorry i couldnt do much and im so sorry that you went through all that pain. You were such a lovely playful inquisitive kitty and i will remember you as such. I hope you are doing good in kitty heaven. I hope there are butterflies to chase there and trees to play around with. And lots and lots of places for you to explore.

Again i am so sorry.

[batsysims]

100 QUESTIONS NO ONE ASKS

I was tagged by @tickledsims ty ily!!

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED? CLOSED when i was younger my little sister had a baby doll that would talk on its own at night and we called it the demon baby and hooooly shit

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS? i dont take those bc my hair cant take cheap hair products but i do take the soaps!!

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT? i put the mattress cover sheet thingy on my bed but i dont use an actual sheet :/

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE? nah lol

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES? YES i love using office supplies i could spend all day at staples omg

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM? no lol but il save the lil receipt coupons and find them in my wallet months after they expire

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES? hhhhh bees

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES? yep!! i love them its why im scared to use foundation i dont wanna lose em

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES? i either smile or if my moms takin the pic il make a stupid face 

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? i have terrible road rage...... um........... i also hate it when men interrupt me i just walk away at that point 

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK? yeah i pretty much count everything

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS? i dont think so??

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS? def not lmao

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING? i have an eating dance, a drinking dance, and a video game playing dance hahaa

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS? yes ugh it annoys me but i cant stop

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK? at LEAST 0

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED? i think its a single? a single or a twin either way im miserable send help

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK? ummm probably You by Weird Milk?? its the most recent song i added on spotify so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK? yeah def unless its one of those “real men wear pink shirts” like just.... stop

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS? sometimes my sister makes me watch stevens universe?? il watch phineas and ferb too bc honestly who doesnt anime too but not always cartoon ones or w/e

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE? 2001: A Space Odyssey and Daughters of the Dust come to mind

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME? u kno where ;) no how big is the treasure?? if its a lil bit id put it in that drawer under the oven bc my family never uses that but if its BIG TREASURE id hide it in the backyard of the last house i lived in bc a. nobody lives there now and 2. its totally overrun with green bc of like two floods

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER? water! only water ever

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN? honey if theyre mcnuggets but other than that i use honey mustard!

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? chicky parm

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE? honestly Inception is my feel-good movie

27. LAST PERSON, YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU? a lil babu

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT? i was in girl scouts much longer than i ever wanted to be lmao WISH i coulda done BOY SCOUTS

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE? if cash is involved absolutely

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER? aboutttt three months ago!

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR? no but i can watch

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET? when i first got my license yea :( 15 yr olds are dum

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS? twice! very good memories

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH? egg salad gud

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST? the all star breakfast at waffle house yasssss

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME? honestly like 9 since i always have to wake up at 7 in the am but il stay up til 11 if i can

37. ARE YOU LAZY? absolutely when have ACTIVE ppl done ANYTHING

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN? i was usually a cat bc i never could find a costume i liked smh but when i was 2 i went as winnie the pooh lmao

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN? ox!

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK? just english but im tryna learn spanish and japanese and im fluent in french if a two year olds speech patterns can be considered as such

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS? nah

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS? LEGOS lincoln logs are big with nostalgia thoooo

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN? with dumb shit yeah but i usually just dont care enough abt stuff to deal

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN? theyre both old idc

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS? no lol

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? not really tbh i like the adrenaline

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR? if im alone!! nobody deserves to hear that

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? nahhh

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR? when im in the drive thru haaaa

50. EVER USED A GUN? id like to go to a shooting range some time but ive never used one im also very anti gun so i probs would never buy one unless it was a cute lil glock i can handle well

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER? st patricks day it wasnt technically for me tho

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY? not in general but when ppl start obsessing over a certain one for months on end abt a certain time period and certain performers and certain songs and certain people of history i start wanting ppl to die

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL? YEAH I NEVER HAVE MONEY WTF

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI? my sisters obsessed with them so yea but never like. authentic polish potato pockets or anything just a frozen box of em

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE? apple?? im not rly into pie tbh

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? ive wanted to go into law enforcement/criminology my whole life!! for a sec i wanted to be a firefighter, a journalist/writer/poet, and some sort of artist but u know how kids are

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? i tried to find that clip from malcolm in the middle for like ten mins but i couldnt yea

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING? doesnt everyone tho?

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY? no im a bad adult

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS? nah

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE? im not rich!!

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED? usually just my undies but when im living with other people il wear a soft shirt and my dc heroes pajama bottoms ayyy

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT? ive never been to one! i was gonna go see metallica in baltimore but i moved before i could smh

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART? walmart sry targets cool but too much money!!! i go there for home things tho does kmart still exist

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS? ADIDAS ive been trying to get a full adidas tracksuit for YEARS

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS? fritos! i like the super hot cheetos tho

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS? peanutsssss

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN? Nope but they must be good im keepin @tickledsims response bc it made me laugh

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS? when i was a lil babu i took ballet and gymnastics a lil later

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING? i hope to never have a spouse  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? yep

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE? ive actually never even had a spelling bee im sure theyre a myth

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY? i think so??

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS? nah

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER? nahhhhh

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE? no but i had a roommate who did i fell in love

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? yeah ok lol so one time when i was a sophomore my french teacher had to use a substitute teacher and hes the reason i believe in love at first sight im STILL in love with him wtf ive also had a bf haha im hilarious

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT? i dont really do concerts so i couldnt say but i think matd would be fun!!

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW? oh my god

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA? hot!!!!

81. TEA OR COFFEE? coffee!!!!!!

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES? i dont rly like either but i prefer snickerdoodles over sugar

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL? i can only do that weird frog swim i forget what its called so no im shit at it

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE? ye

85. ARE YOU PATIENT? if im able to distract myself?? it also depends on the severity of what im waiting on i guess

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING? probs a band i guess i dont rly think abt that kinda stuff sry

87. EVER WON A CONTEST? when i was four i won a coloring contest at the ice cream store

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY? nope im poor 89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES? both are good!

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET? i can knit but i cant crochet

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE? fckn bathroom

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? not rly unless its a partnership longlasting romance stresses me out especially with financial responsibility etc

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? -20 years

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH? my high school boyfriend hahaaa h,,,,

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY? im an adult sry

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 1!

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS? nope! lmao i love her tho

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? red but i also like many others??? idk

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW? ummm not rly?? im not close enough to anyone to miss them and those i am close to im able to hang with

100. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TAG TO DO THIS TAG NEXT? god uhhh if you havent done it already and want to, @dreambot @nebula-simms @ellowynsims and @pixelbloom

[billypilgrimisunstuck-blog]

I should be completely disconnected from him now…

So here we go. From this point on, this will be my journal. You don’t know who I am if you stumble upon this & that is better for me.

I don’t like writing in note books bc someone can stumble over that & honestly at least this is what I’ve chosen to share… That’s important to me, having a choice in what I am & am not open about.

My sister told me everyone copes differently, & this is just my way.

I was going to go on a tech purge, but I feel so isolated doing that… I don’t like being disconnected from the outside world. It’s not good for people like me. I’m alone in real life right now bc my sister is on vacation w/ her fiance & my little brother.

So disconnecting completely from the outside world is a bad idea, I get extremely paranoid. For example last night I slept with a knife beside the couch, because it was my first night sleeping completely by myself in a long time.

I’m always paranoid… That’s never going to go away. Ever since I was little I used to run & hide when I heard cars coming because I was afraid someone was coming to get me…

I’m being open about this now because honestly I’ve gotten a little numb to it. Sometimes I get scared, but today, I figure if someone is watching what does it really matter. Because at this point they’ve probably seen the worst of me.

So let’s be open. I’m crazy. I’m schizoaffective w/ Bipolar I officially diagnosed twice. I do hear voices, that wasn’t a lie. I do see things sometimes. That also wasn’t a lie. I am paranoid. I sometimes can’t speak right… & My brain does get slower. Perhaps not as bad as I make it out to be… But I feel like sometimes if I don’t exaggerate no one will believe how serious my condition is.

I pass out sometimes… Not all the time. I think it’s bc of anxiety.

I get really bad panic attacks & I do dissociate. Perhaps it’s not as bad as I made it out to be too…

The panic attacks are though. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe & my chest starts to hurt really badly. My right hand shakes violently… My left not as much.

I was molested by a female cousin at 7. I was raped my first time at 16. I moved out of my mom’s at 17 bc she wanted to kick out a girl who was pregnant. Turns out the girl wasn’t pregnant. But it still didn’t make it ok.

I moved in with the girl & met a guy… A real fucking asshole. I fell head over heels for him. One of his crazy ex girl friends pulled a butcher knife on me & waved it in my face bc my friend slept with her current boyfriend & the girl w/ the knife was pregnant with his baby. She also kicked the shit out of my poor cat. As did the man I was with, & then he took the cat & dropped it in the middle of nowhere.

I did get addicted to coke bc of him or perhaps bc I was stupid. I detoxed alone at my mother’s & was somehow able to hide it from her… Shakes, sweats, hallucinating bc of my schizophrenia, vomiting, it fucking sucked. She never noticed. Probably bc she was too busy trying to fuck everything that moved & was an alcoholic.

He would fuck me so hard I would bleed… So I was told I might not be able to have children… I don’t know if that’s true, but Im not mature enough to have kids right now anyways.

I’m still too selfish.

I moved to St. Augustine after that. Met a girl with a boyfriend… I liked her a lot. Him not so much. We fooled around a bit before he walked in. He wanted to join in & I wasn’t in to it. I don’t feel comfortable w/ 3 somes.

I left & went home. I felt like shit bc I helped her cheat. She moved away.

Then I met my current husband soon to be ex. He seemed nice. He wasn’t. He did rape me. It was after a party. He got too drunk. He also treated me like his fucking kid. He controlled everything. & Although he didn’t beat me everyday there was physical abuse & verbal.

Everything I did he criticized.

& So I went back to thinking someone who didn’t know I exist might love me… Might actually care…

But I’m crazy, remember. So I thought I had a chance…

This person is amazing… Yeah they were human. Yeah they fucked up too… But to me they were special. Smart, funny, kind, no nonsense… But mostly they were honest.

They spoke their mind & didn’t hide who they were. I crave that I guess.

I mean yes they are attractive… But it’s not as important. I’ve dated guys covered in acne, large men, too thin guys, beautiful but insane girls, guys covered in hair…

Looks aren’t important… Not as much as personality.

& The last time I fell, I was tricked… Someone on a parody account on Twitter fucked with my head badly… & I fell for it. I thought they were him…

Same thing happened this time on Reddit…

I think every mysterious person is him… Except this time I invited him…

It was stupid of me. Bc I know I’m not his type. I’m not super attractive. I’m not ugly, but I’m no super model either.

I just want someone who values me for who I am…

Maybe one day.

But for now I’m trying to be better… Trying to learn not to be selfish & to be more open, honest, & less aggressive. I don’t want to change who I am… But I don’t want to be a monster either. I’m tired of being Frankenstein’s Creature.

Killing everything I misunderstand.

It’s really hard. Old memories keep coming back. Awful shit I’ve been through. Awful shit done to me or that I’ve done to others…

& The voices won’t fucking stop about it… Just always tearing me down, making me feel awful.

Perhaps that’s why I was too scared to talk to him… Bc They made me feel like shit.

& Idk what that dream was about honestly… I always assume everything.

But I’m still here… Still trying.

& I didn’t try to kill myself bc of him… He had nothing to do with it… I don’t think he was really ever paying attention. & I’m not mad at him for that.

I just felt trapped. My family & I weren’t talking bc I fucked everything up with them, my mom was not a good place for me to go. I felt like a burden to everyone else…

So I tried… I tried twice but the blade was too dull… I don’t even get to have a cool survival scar bc that’s how fucking dull the exact knife was…

Then I had to beg to go to inpatient bc my soon ex said we couldn’t afford it…

Money was always more important to him. That & his fucking racist friend.

I understand, it was his only friend, but the guys constantly talked shit about everything. Mental illness, black people, it was too much…

I couldn’t sit there one more day & listen to my husband agree & then act differently when he left…

& I didn’t feel safe, so it spiked my paranoia bad.

I don’t remember everything right now. One of my symptoms is that my memory is shot… But if I think of anything I’ll add it later.

I don’t know if anyone is reading this… Right now I don’t care… I just needed to get it out without being sexualized…

I tried opening up to someone & they tried fucking with my head too…

I tried to be nice to them, I gave them my number bc they felt down & needed someone to talk to. I sent them funny videos to try to cheer them up. I gave them a link to my Instagram bc they said people smiling made them happy…

Then they disappeared… Bc what they wanted was probably masturbation material…

I’m so tired of people doing this to me… Tired of being sexualized & treated like a toy… Like property.

I just want love… Just once. Real love. Not lies or abuse or sodomy.

I want someone to grow old with. To sing with. To share books & art with… To love & be loved as we are…

But I guess I have a long way to go before then.

If it ever happens.