#i was going to disable reblogs but idk maybe others relate

[nyctoheart]

sometimes I think my love for KH is fading, because idk I don’t super care about scala ad caelum in missing link. And I get so lost in KHUX that I forget I only try to understand it because the series expects you to. But idk if I would have gotten into KH if it started off as X.

but then…

I remember everyone we saved in KH3… and the new dynamics we’ll see, like aqua and axel, or returning/grown dynamics, like terra and riku. But re:mind feels like forever ago, and KHMoM didnt give us that much. I just want more of the KH characters that got me into this series because I’m just tireeeed of always trying to understand “Okay, unchained this, unreality that, true darkness was whole but it wasnt but it was, (a – b)2 = a2 – 2ab + b2” like I didnt sign up to KH for the fucking astrophysics, I signed up because I liked the characters and I miss them!!!!!

[psych0t1c-bread]

☆[<MASTERPOST!>]☆

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♡ Intro:

♡ Total time taken: 33 hours and 25 mins!

(Tumblr killed the quality of this 💀)

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♡ Hi!!! Welcome to my page!

♡ You can call me Emzy or Psychee, either one. I go by he/she/they.

♡ I am a majority Undertale AU poster (but i will reblog literally anything I want, so I do have tags to weed through things) and have a few of my own AU's that I have yet to flesh out fully, so stay tuned for that!!

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♡About me:

♡ Creator of 'The Outcasts' on Wattpad (go give it a read!! /nf)

♡ Bisexual(?), aceflux (maybe demiromantic+sexual? Idk)

♡ Christian (not the bad kind don't worry 🙏)

♡ ISFP-T

♡ Delta Sans enthusiast 🧡 (I have been hyperfixated on him for 5+ years)

♡ Neurodivergent + disabled (ADHD, PTSD, FND; feel free to ask questions about any of these!!)

♡ Came to Tumblr on 03/19/2024

♡ Anyone can PM/DM me at any time for any reason!! Vents are welcomed!! (If you vent, make sure to go to the 'send a message option' and not any of the other ones.) However, I am not the fastest at replies, so it might take me a while to read and respond to your message.

♡ Feel free to tag me in anything!!

♡ If you threaten me, I will threaten you back. Please do not try me. I have no shame

♡ Tetrachromat

♡ Please do not ship my characters unless I have specifically stated that they are either dating or that I am ok with those certain characters being shipped in general. None of my child OC's (anyone under 13) are allowed to be shipped unless I have stated clearly in the book that the kids have crushes on each other, or until they are aged up in the future books. DO NOT ship my adult characters with anyone under 20

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♡ Fandoms:

♡ Undertale + AU's

♡ Musicals (Hamilton, Newsies, EPIC)

♡ Music

♡ FNAF

♡ Gacha

♡ Sanders Sides

♡ Star Wars (specifically Mandalorian)

♡ Creatives (writing, art, singing)

♡ ROTTMNT

♡ PJO + HOO

♡ Steven Universe

♡ Gravity Falls

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♡ My other socials:

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♡ TikTok: psyc0t1c_bread

♡ AO3: Idk_random

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♡ Rules for donating:

♡ Please don't send the same ask twice in one day

♡ My account is currently frozen due to lack of money, so I will support and post your asks/GFM's but will not be able to donate

♡ Please don't pressure me to donate, I am literally broke

♡ Please be respectful in my ask box

♡ I have learned how to call out scammers, so if you try to scam me, I'm putting you on blast

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♡ My tags are:

#(Emzy/Psychee)'s Art - for my art

#(Emzy/Psychee)'s Drabbles - for my writing WIPS

#Outcasts - for anything relating to my book

#Delta - for anything to do with him

#Character Rants - for info on characters

#Trauma Rants - for any vents/rants I do

#(Emzy/Psychee)'s Posts - for my posts

#Headcanons - for any character headcanon

#Outcast Angst - for anything traumatizing that I post abt relating to the Outcasts, including whump and angst

#Writing/Art Tips/prompts - for any tips or prompts relating to writing and/or art

#🍉 - for anything about/relating to Palestine

#Donations - for finding people to donate to

#(Emzy/Psychee)'s tags/comments - for anything I tag or comment on that's random

#Scams - for anything that someone tells me is a scam (I will be making a list of the scams that I've been told about so no one gets confused!)

♡ Anything un-tagged is a reblog or a like!

~~~

♡ List of current scams that I've reblogged or posted on accident (as in I didn't know it was a scam before I posted/reblogged it):

♡ devotedlyclassycollector

♡ foggyruinspost

♡ tremendouskidcoffee

♡ casualmusicbird/Bitita Nyaata

♡ bettermentgiver

♡ scentedsublimenightmare

♡ deepestheartcreator

♡ freebelieverobservation

♡ happydefendorhologram

♡ furiouslystarmark

♡ choppedstrawberryglitter

♡ lovelytoolgladiator

♡ gloriousdestinycollector

♡ furiousinternetenemy

♡ gaziianaliifatmaah

♡ sopostreview

♡ omahe

♡ yusufzalka

♡ luciamkir

♡ janet cheptoo

♡ friedgardenlady

♡ shinytastemakerphantom

♡ reallyuniquedaze

♡ weepingyouthpenguin

♡ What I've noticed is that these scammers have a pattern of having 3 specific types of words put together, some examples of word types being adjectives, descriptor words, places, emotions, actions, or animals.

♡ If there are any more scams that I've accidentally reblogged, please let me know! I've been trying to check on the accounts that I post about, but clearly the methods I've been using to check aren't working, so I'll try my best to do better.

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♡ DNI:

Pro-isreal, pedos, proship, TERFs, bigots, racists, narcissists, scammers, Trump supporters, etc.

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♡ Ok, that's all! Thank you!

[valcksys]

welcome to hell (aka valcksys intro)

HELLO GAMERS we are a polyfrag DID system of 150+ (not counting fragments) also we're introject heavy we have the autism and adhd and all that bullshit we also are chronically ill/disabled because we were so powerful god had to nerf us coming out of the womb by giving us every mental health and physical health issue ever /j dni is just basic dni, all that shit is in our carrd, i dont feel like copying it and putting it here what i will put here just so its like clear is we dont want to be involved with syscourse so. if youre heavily involved in it then dont follow. idk if you really care about it you can go to our carrd ig. but generally idc who interacts it’s whatever. most of us are anti-endo or uh “I just don’t care”, if that means anything to anyone. anyways most of us play overwatch (and watch overwatch league) and are interested in that so expect that to see a lot of that. we also watch anime (sailor moon is a favorite) and do art sometimes lol collective interests go brrrrr freq fronters as of 2/7/23 phoenix - he/him bee - he/him colin - he/him icarus - She/him

ojee/Chris - he/him

UV/Ray - he/it

simply plural : thevalcksystem carrd: https://valcksys.carrd.co/

other sys members blogs

Bee - @bees-thought-garden (99% just cottagecore reblogs, 1% ramyatta)

Icarus - @chronicallyicarus (she talks about various things related to being disabled. probably will get rb’d onto here a lot.)

more to come maybe? who knows 💀

-> This is a legacy pinned post, it doesn't reflect the current state of our system.

[nabrizoya]

RoW Theories and Things I Want to See

with RoW literally a few weeks away, here’s some theories your way. 

this is Really long. like, really very long; mind you. 

Nikolai might become a disabled character.

It’s just the vibes. If we can take reference from the Too Clever Fox story, there’s a line that says “...and his [Koja’s] fur never quite sat right the same...”, which might hint at it (mostly bc i don’t want him to die). Also if this is indeed possible, it can be used to address ableism if it exists in this universe, especially since Nikolai is someone in the highest position of power. 

Zoya will experiment the shit out of powers. 

Idk why the synopsis says that using her powers might be a great deal, which tbf will be because she is truly the most most powerful atm; but Zoya wouldn’t mind taking the step outside of the old norms and bend the orders until they serve their purpose. That’s the entire goal rly.

But all along, she will consciously keep herself mindful to not hunger or discharge her power in a way that may cause harm. She knows the tyranny of the Darkling and the ways he employed. She knows better. 

More character depth to Zoya. 

Given the excerpts, the book does seem to explore Zoya’s infinite grief. And of course her Suli heritage, which a great part of the fandom consistently wants to shadow what with the talk “white features/ part Ravkan” bs. 

But there’s more. I hope RoW will show Zoya’s dilemma (that was alr hinted in KoS) she has with the power she holds, the responsibility she has with having that power + using it in the way that will not be detrimental to her and the country. It will be a great way to portray her self-awareness and doubt and insecurity. She is a good leader, that much is told in text but not shown. There’s character development from the end of R&R until KoS that makes her evolve from a what she was then to the capable and mature 22 year old she is in KoS. 

Of course all of their capabilities will come to light in RoW but I think Zoya and the agency to her as a character will play an integral part. More so because Zoya is to be the conduit to reversing the current Grisha orders, which runs in parallel with the fact that she needs to go back, go back to the roots of her Grisha knowledge and roots of her i.e. her unending grief and trauma. 

She will need to forgive herself while also dealing with the guilt and anger she may have caused due to her position and power. All of this while dealing with her own complex and contrasting emotions due to her own trauma.

Nikolai is held for treason. 

The word of allying with The Darkling may be out and that is enough reason for the entire country to turn against him. The secret about the monster causes issues more than enough already, and this will plunge the country into deep political turmoil and threats to security. So RoW will be more politically driven. That said...

There’s no overt war. 

By this I mean that there will not be war on the battlefield, both armies or more charging at each others’ enemies and such. Ravka cannot afford one either. The excerpts have already proved that. There will be skirmishes akin to a war scenario, but a complete battle like the last battle in R&R? Like a final battle? That’s not going to be there, I think… What I’m assuming might happen is that the Fjerda and Ravka will take a possible Cold War route, if it isn’t already the case they’re already dealing with atm. 

Ravka’s monarchy will collapse. 

It may become a democracy or any other form of public or majority vote. But the monarchy (as well a possible dictatorship, esp with the Darkling returned) will be eliminated. ...Or so I hope, since it has been alluded to in KoS. 

But that poses many problems. With no one line for the throne, let alone with a crime so dark like a blot on Nikolai’s skill (of taking the Darkling’s help), it is possible that Ravka will shun it, right alongside being torn about it because Nikolai has been, for the best of his ability, a good King. All of this in line with the Resistance rising in West Ravka. 

This ties in with the court matters, especially if I want to hold the further points I make true. The resolution to acquit Nikolai of his charges requires a testification forth a jury which will then make a decision about his motives and future. 

Zoya as the Interim Head. 

After all of this, Zoya’s point about Ravka not accepting a Grisha Queen will be true after all, because there will be no monarchy to welcome such an arrangement. 

But Ravka will need a good and trustworthy leader despite Grisha powers and Zoya is the best person to take care of that. The comment “...becoming a steady leader...” and the “Welcome home, Commander,” were there in KoS for a reason (and this is what I think it will link to). 

That being said, there’s more nuance to this than my summary. Zoya is a character of colour. That—in addition to the already existing threats, objections and possible question of capability in the position—ill play into how she will be able to discharge her responsibility. It’s not going to be convenient.

EDIT: taken from a reblog/addition to the og post:

A smoother/more structured transition

Once after the monarchy collapses and a leader must be chosen, it will not be Nikolai. Nor will it be Zoya, though she might serve as an interim head. What I assume might be possible is that someone older is chosen, someone older and loyal and with the proof of knowledge and service to the country. Possibly by majority vote or elected by a council.

Instead of the sudden change, this can be a smoother (if that can even be said about such a major political scenario change) or more structured. I also say this because a. if Nikolai is indeed charged (and later acquitted), firstly his political career will already hold a blot if the word about using the Darkling as a resource is out and secondly, he’s way too young to serve as the leader (by modern standards, sure, but like, the required age will be set while drafting the constitution? currently its 35+).

Instead, the current cast can become representatives (which Zoya would already be, (mostly the head of the) international committee that safeguards the Grisha all over the world) and the Triumvirate will be dissolved. (it should be, tbh)

And hey, b. after all of this, they can and kind of need to take a step back. Nikolai and Zoya will be able to truly explore their relationship, given how Nikolai mentions how he wouldn’t marry unless he’d have had the chance to court someone and marry someone he barely knows nor knows him. For Zoya’s part, she does know Nikolai but surely probably not the extent of openness that a healthy relationship has, and on Nikolai’s part, he admits he barely knows her beyond as a General except for just little things about her.

They could be able to realize and work on their feelings while alongside being involved with the workings of the country and the constitution.

“One day you will overstep and I will not be so forgiving.” 

Need I say more? Something that Zoya does will cost her Nikolai’s goodwill and we know Zoya knows her practicality and the extent to which she will unapologetically move if there is threat to the country and its King. She will do what was right and required. 

A major part of that line ties in with Magnus Opjer and I think with the confidence in the versatility of her powers, Zoya might as well move w/o any word to the Triumvirate to eliminate the most direct threat to the throne. This will bring splits in Nikolai and Zoya’s relationship. 

How this tension between them will be resolved without compromising either of their values, without playing into fandom stereotypes and others must be carefully handled. All of this while showing the best of their dynamicity, practicality and priority as they carefully pull out just those weak sticks of the jenga without putting the whole country into trouble. And with a war in plain sight, they’d know better than pointlessly argue and would rather see how the two of them are wrong. This ordeal will bring out just how condensed power is in the current scenario, imo. 

Importance on the way women have shaped history. 

Something that KoS has already set precedence for. Zoya being a PoC, Nina taking into account of the sufferings of women she comes across and the consistent ‘Who will remember them?’ will be elaborated on further. As for how it is done and how well it is done, that remains to be seen. 

Baghra is alive but maybe not thriving bc she’s stuck in the Ice Court. 

They entered a chamber where an old woman sat with her hands chained, flanked by guards. Her eyes were vacant. As each prisoner approached, the woman gripped his or her wrist.

A human amplifier. [...] But the Fjerdans used them for a different purpose – to make sure no Grisha breached their walls without being identified.

Kaz watched Nina approach. He could see her trembling as she held out her arm. The woman clamped her fingers around Nina’s wrist. Her eyelids stuttered briefly. Then she dropped Nina’s hand and waved her along.

Had she known and not cared? Or had the paraffin they’d used to encase Nina’s forearms worked?

- Chapter 22. Kaz; Part 4: Trick to Falling, Six of Crows.

Nina will be the one to free her and together they might wage a war from Djerholm together.

This gets even more interesting because we know the anguish and scorn that Baghra feels for her son at the same time; she understands the wrongness that he used to seek and will continue to. Zoya does take Baghra’s name at the Fold when she mourns and rages over how people forget the destruction and most importantly, forget the women. Baghra could be the symbol of the stag as the art piece depicts, or will be shown with relation to the Darkling’s powers.

As for how she will play into the story, perhaps she will be the one to help reverse and find the roots of the orders, in the sense that changes the perception of the Grisha powers for the Grisha as well as the common folk of Ravka. She is the only other person other than Juris and the Darkling to have the age of eras together, knowing Ilya Morozova, and she will be instrumental in giving Ravka an advantage over Fjerda. Either that or she will help in scrubbing the prejudices of Fjerda slowly away with whatever powers she has left. Or both. 

Alina will reappear, but will not contribute to the plot significantly.

Zoya understands that the truth she knows about the Darkling is very minimal not enough to end him for once and for all. It makes sense that she will probably consult Alina for it. So, Malina appearance, possibly at the orphanage. Alina will not directly contribute to this war, but she will play a critical role in defeating the Darkling.

Besides, Alina —and Baghra— are the only ones who know that there has only ever been two Darklings. Zoya did sense, multiple times during KoS, that the Darkling is damn old. Yuri mentions it. And while it is not outright specified, the fact that Zoya thinks that she realizes just how ancient Lizabetha is in context of meeting the Darkling is enough proof for her to seek more information about the age and the older skill of the Darkling. 

And I think it goes without saying that I want to hope that the Darkling and Alina will not meet. Pls, she’s had enough. 

Lada is the lost, other friend that Zoya refuses to bury. 

“She saw her mentor die and her worst enemy resurrected, and she refuses to bury another friend.”

Liliyana is dead, we know. But there’s no other mention of Lada except for the “wondering what happened to the pug faced girl.” Lada is possibly a part of the group of women and a Grisha returning to Ravka from Fjerda, exploited by the parem. She might die being unable to withhold the sheer torment of the parem induction, which will devastate Zoya because Lada was also the closest she’s had to a family with Liliyana. 

Either that or Lada is already dead or dies some other way, and Zoya cannot bring herself bear the grief of losing her. 

Cameos: Inej and Jesper. 

The most likely of the crows to appear in RoW are Inej and Jesper and they’ll play equally important roles in the plotline. Here’s a breakdown of why:

Inej

Inej has taken the responsibility of becoming a slave hunter, and it makes sense for Inej to make an appearance in the book, given that there’s going to be a ship taking the Grisha from Fjerda to Ravka. 

The women aboard are vulnerable and require immediate attention, which Inej will immediately zero in on. She will have enough reason to suspect both Leoni and Adrik on the ship, especially when the jurda parem is still a secret. Leoni and Adrik cannot give that information away because they don’t trust Inej (and have no reason to either). Inej won’t trust them either, not until she understands that the reason why the women are being taken to Ravka and for what reasons. 

Which gives her excellent reason to step in, try to analyze the situation and help the women accordingly.

Here’s an exciting thought though. Once after the entire misunderstanding is overcome and Inej understands (esp. if Nina is brought into the conversation and security and secrecy of the conversation is ensured), there may be discussion about how the Grisha might find a safer space in Ravka.

Inej’s appearance might also extend to playing a pivotal role in giving Zoya the confidence to seek her heritage and where she hails from, to embrace the part of her past and forgive herself and others for her mistakes. 

ALSO, 

Grisha finding a safer space in Ravka will mean that Inej can pitch Jesper’s case for him to Zoya. Being the highest authority who takes cares of the responsibilities of the Grisha, Zoya will be the best person to talk about this with. 

And so, here comes Jesper. 

Jesper

For one, I wish Jesper and Leoni interact, talk and just bond like the iconic siblings they would be. <3 But more than that, Jesper plays very integral to the plot for more reasons.

Jesper’s arc will parallel Zoya’s. Both of them are new to their powers in their own individual sense; Zoya is trying to use her new powers in a way that hasn’t been done before, thereby breaking the Grisha orders of powers and Jesper (assuming he has decided that he might want to learn and embrace his Grisha powers) is learning them afresh. 

This journey of them trying to embrace, learn and relearn and reject older norms and experiment really work in tandem.

That will lead us to a further (plot) theories. 

Ties with Novyi Zem 

As of the KoS end, Ravka has no support from anyone atm. Sure the Kerch will provide funds but Ravka has no real allies. Here’s where Novyi Zem and Jesper come in. 

We know Novyi Zem is a new country and also that it is the second safest country for the Grisha in the universe. As of KoS, their agreements are not renewed and they would be since between Kerch and Novyi Zem, Ravka was forced to pick Kerch. Yet Ravka needs their help in acquiring jurda for the antidote. 

So here’s the deal: Ravka will get their jurda but at many conditions that the Novyi Zem will impose on Ravka to not let exploitation get in the way. 

The conditions imposed could be (these are just some at the top of my head but I hope there are more to ensure the safety and security of the Zemeni, in Novyi Zem and in Ravka too) : 

Naval support from Ravka

We know of the Zemeni ships and ofc Nikolai has been hard at work trying to develop plans to use the sea to its fullest advantage. While the news of the izmars’ya isn’t public, Zemeni can place a condition for technical aid from Ravka since Ravka does have the technical knowledge it can dispatch as a condition.

A Grisha School in Novyi Zem

Think about it. Ravka, despite being the safest place for the Grisha, still isn’t entirely safe. Not all Grisha become soldiers in Ravka, they have a choice to abstain but those who are training are still recruited a honed for purpose alike preparing for war, especially the teens and preteens from the time of the Civil War. The training does take a lot of time. Ravka intends to make a home first and then service, but at the moment, while the Grisha are provided safety, it’s not assured in the best sense. Both the facts about a home and service are in precarious positions atm.

TL;DR: Ravka isn’t entirely safe for Grisha therefore the Grisha themselves too are not + Ravka is war torn. 

So what happens? 

One of the conditions as the next best country that serves as home to the Grisha, Novyi Zem may put forth the prospect of building a Little Palace like institution for the Grisha in Novyi Zem. It sounds morally wrong in the sense that the Grisha there will also be trained for war, but the war will end and soon, the Grisha will not be subject to serve for something but engage in economic activities as anybody else with the progression of time.

All of this won’t happen immediately either; learning their powers, honing it in the way that is unocnventional from what it had been pre-RoW and that transition + the building of the establishment in Novyi Zem and laying foundation for the  transnational panel or committee for Grisha that Zoya talks about will all take so much time. 

A few Grisha representatives from Novyi Zem can learn at the Little Palace and by the time the construction of the institution is done in Novyi Zem, these Grisha, along with other willing Grisha who either want to return to the country they were born in (like Leoni) or are offered to teach in a different country can do so too. 

There will be stricter terms so as to not ensure exploitation and possible colonization in these nations. 

Zoya mentions in one of her chapters that eventually there will be a need for the a  transnational panel or committee for Grisha. Jesper can Zoya can make it possible, adding in other countries to the panel slowly as the war recedes. 

Kaz and Wylan? 

Least likely to make an appearance, in my opinion. I think they’ll be mentioned plenty of times or brought up once and given great importance for how they can help in the side plot. 

Shu Support: 

This is more a hope than an actually theory dfbkdhjadfh but Makhi might have to step down from the throne because Ehri will take the place; either as a Queen (no...) or she might oversee the process of strengthening Shu Han and finding a leader (if she doesn’t want to become one herself). 

Ehri is capable, more than capable despite the little we know of her from the last chapter in KoS. All I hope is for an understanding and friendship between Nikolai and Ehri (and the subsequent cancelling of the marriage duH) for this to happen. She has little interest in statecraft but with the time she might spend with Nikolai, she might change her views. Even if not then she still gets the happy ending she deserves with Mayu (which is canon at this point rly).

Emotional Development or Breakdowns

Okay but I really, really, really hope we get to see all the three protagonists lose their shit and deal with their trauma, seek help or trying to stop isolating themselves or anything else they do to cope? Nina, Zoya and Nikolai, all of them cry, all of them get to completely lose it, let themselves be human and healthily cope and learn to rely on the people they trust the most. Like the sheer power and potential to show the myriad of ways to deal with grief, sadness, stress and more and make use of the trio’s backgrounds to show healthy and diverse ways of helping themselves, by letting themselves and others help them is just *combusts* Incredible! 

That being said, can I also ask for moments of fear and desolation from the side characters too? Impending war isn’t small business, it will take its toll on people, and all these reactions just cement their fears and what they value the most so. pls. Humanizing them rly. 

The Saving Each Other 

As much as I mostly kinda hate this trope, there are traces in the KoS that Zoya might be the one to end Nikolai’s affliction. On the other hand, there is talk of Nikolai helping Zoya control her powers which seems counterintuitive when you consider that Zoya knows that there is a line that she must never cross and that she is very, very careful about it and will continue to be. 

They can instead be the ones who motivate each other in times of distress as they always do (as shown with how Nikolai tries to gain control over his monster during the burning thorn ritual in KoS, allowing himself the vulnerability but also knowing that giving up will be unforgivable to both himself and Zoya as well) but I seriously do not wish for each other to be the ones directly ending one another's misery. Or perhaps this is just a fear imo that Leigh wouldn’t even take the route of (in which case, thank fuck).

Stab Stab Stab 

Zoya gets the chance to kill the Darkling with the rest of her friends. After all, Darkling does call them all his old friends. Just Julius Caeser him all the way and put a bow tie on the book. *chef’s kiss* Everybody deserves a second chance... at ending a tyrant when it fails the first time. 

+

So far, this is it. Rule of Wolves is in less than a few weeks and im- asdfghjkl. not Ready. i’m more Worried than Ready.

[aquarianlights]

I am in a serious financial bind. 😥 If anyone is in a position to listen & help or signal boost, pls keep reading...

This is from my apartment complex. I am in low-income housing. I called them & sent them proof I could pay on the 23rd. I told them I could (just barely) put 100 down now & they said that was too little.

They said they would file for eviction on the 16th, which adds $150 to my rent. They will cancel the court date and eviction on the 23rd when I pay.

But that doesn't cancel the $150 filing fee.

Idk where that $150 would come from. Idky they think it's fair that someone who cannot pay should be forced to pay even more??? That makes no sense. I can only just barely afford my rent every month as is.

These are from my energy company. I apparently owe them over $600. I genuinely do not know how this happened. We were on the phone for a very long time trying to figure it out & I was in tears for the latter portion of it because I swear I paid.

I usually keep record of my payments via taking a picture of my receipt since they are electronic, but my dog chewed up my phone (which I have pics of if need be for evidence) and broke it, so I had to get a replacement phone sent to me from the insurance company & nothing transferred from the old phone, so all my pics were wiped.

I found no record in my emails, either.

The meds I am taking to try to go into remission and the autoimmune disease itself both cause brain fog and issues with time warping, so it is possible maybe I skipped a month or something, but I highly doubt I would have skipped up to 600+ dollars worth of payments.

I have tons of electronic and hard copy calendars & they are all synced and constantly updated so that I know when payments are due. I also have text and email reminders sent to me, but I could find no reminders in my email for MONTHS now until they were telling me they were going to shut my power off if I didn't pay this. Idk why I was not sent reminders for months???

In the end, I agreed to set up a payment plan. Paying, like... 50-60ish on top of whatever my electric bill is every month for 12 months. It was the lowest they could go.

I can barely afford my electric bill as it is, so idk how I will be able to do this? They did give me a list of charities in my area so I will be using what little energy I have to call around & see if any of them would be willing to help me pay this. Idk how those work (they're mostly churches???), so I'm just gonna try & see what happens. 🤔

On top of all that, I *think* this is telling me my Medicaid has been cancelled but I'm not 100% sure?????

I'm going through treatment for a very serious, disabling problem that should last ~1 year and rn Medicaid is picking up what my Medicare doesn't cover and some of my doctors/specialists and treatments are medicaid only.

If I lose this, I'm basically done.

I know they'll do backpay if I get it back, but Idk if I *will* get it back. I'll be trying to get it back, but in the meantime, I guess I'll just have to pay out of pocket, idk??? Which I do not have.

I have lost almost ALL autonomy due to this autoimmune disease, which (in a very simplified form) is basically my immune cells "eating" my muscle tissue. I can barely get out of bed. Treatment should put me in remission & give me my life back. I am seeing a rheumatologist, neurologist, dermatologist, PCP, physical therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, and going to a holistic pain treatment center that does a different kind of physical therapy to bring down pain levels (which I was put into that program by my rheum). All of these are in relation to & necessary for my disease. I am going through TONS of testing almost weekly now & trying out treatments like IVIG and chemo where I am in the hospital hooked up to an IV for 4-6+ hrs of that day and the cost of those things without Medicaid picking up what Medicare doesn't cover is astronomical. I have to sign waivers every time I get my blood drawn (which is almost weekly now), do tests, and do treatments saying I will pay if Medicaid does not pick up the extra.

I already have crippling medical debt; I don't need more. I'm scared they won't let me do any more tests or treatments if they see I am just letting it all go to collections & am not paying.

This could mean the difference between having a life worth living (to me) where I am happy & thriving & autonomous or being bed-bound & living a life of just existing from day to day & miserable & in pain & suffering & unable to do anything for myself. This is literally life and death for me because I wouldn't be able to handle continuing to live in the latter scenario. I cannot handle living like I am now. Knowing my treatments are progressing is what keeps me going. Knowing I can go into remission is what keeps me going. Knowing my future is one completely different from now is what keeps me going. But if I cannot have that and am destined to live in this current state, it's just not worth it. I don't know a person alive who would want to live like this.

Finally, my anger noodle needs to get to the vet for MULTIPLE things. Nothing is, like... life threatening or super immediate like his cancer was last year, but they're things that need to be addressed in terms of preventative care & to make sure he isn't in pain.

He needs his trachea checked, possibly x-rays for that, maybe more...

He needs some medication updates, needs a physical, needs a full groom & nail clip under anesthesia (for those who are not familiar with Echo, he has extreme fear-based aggression & usually gets this done under anesthesia; since I worked with him so much, he had his first non-anesthesia nail clip at the beginning of quarantine, but he has gotten worse during quarantine & with my muscle eating disease, I can no longer restrain him & don't have the physical strength to run a brush through his thicker fur as his winter coat is in, so I can no longer groom certain areas of him at home, so his tummy & back legs are matted & I fear he may need to be shaved... which breaks my heart since you don't shave double coat dogs unless medically necessary.), he needs a full physical, & needs to be checked over for MCT's.

He may also need a fecal test or something else, as he has been having odd bowel movements. 😥 His tummy has been upset lately.

I have been crying myself to sleep every single night & often during the day because I cannot get him to the vet. No, it isn't urgent or life threatening. But he is reverse sneezing more than normal & I worry about tracheal collapse, which is a common small dog thing & even MORE common in pomeranians specifically. Every time he has a fit, I think "Oh god, this is it. This is the time I'm gonna have to rush him to the e-vet & get slammed with a huge bill & he is not gonna be okay..."

It breaks my heart to see his legs & belly matted. He is horrible about letting me groom him coz of his aggression so he only gets a full grooms at the vet, but I do short grooming sessions at home with him nightly. Takes about 2 hours just to do the majority of one side of him (not even all of it; just most) coz he needs breaks & lots of praise every few strokes or he will tear me to shreds & hurt himself snapping on the undercoat rake. 😥

But now that my autoimmune disease has atrophied my muscles to the point holding up my phone without something to prop it up feels like I am lifting weights & tires my arms out with a lactic acid burn & pain, I can no longer groom him with the patience he needs & can only groom in 20 minute intervals at the VERY longest. By the time I have gotten one leg done during the week, his entire other side is matted. 😞 Matting on dogs---especially double coat dogs---hurts them. It's like if someone were to wrap your hair around their fingers & then pull it taut. It's a constant pulling pressure on their skin... it's painful & irritates the epidermis. I feel miserable feeling the matting on his back legs & tummy & now feeling the mats beginning to form on the rest of him. He hates me working them out, even with the detangling spray. I know it must hurt so much...

So he may need to be shaved at this point & that will destroy me. I feel sick thinking about it. But anything to get him out of pain. Maybe it is what's best for him while I go through this year of treatment & get my muscles back. But in order to do that, I need to get him to the vet.

The stress of not being able to get him to a vet is tearing me apart & literally making me physically ill.

He is my world. My everything. My #1. My heart dog. My priority in life. My entire universe revolves around him. I would do anything for him. Not a single person, animal, thing, etc, comes before him. It is KILLING me that I cannot provide proper care for him right now. I always always always make sure to sacrifice for him if need be & his things ALWAYS come first, even if it means I'm not eating or not paying bills or whatever. As long as he is taken care of & his needs & wants are met, nothing else matters to me. And right now........ I feel he is suffering because of my finances & the fact my treatment with building my muscles up is not going fast enough.

I cannot control the latter one, but the first one is something I can at least ask for help for. So that is what I am doing.

If anyone is in a place to help, these are my venmo & cashapp codes. I also have paypal.

💙 Venmo: @kqroswell

💚 Cashapp: $kqroswell

💜 Paypal: @kqroswell or thekilliancode@yahoo.com

If there is another form of payment you're thinking of, lemme know. I also have fb pay activated if you have me on FB (Killian Q Roswell).

Thank you to everyone who read through this & anyone who can help or reblog this. 💖

Sincerely,

Your v scared, struggling transman who really wants his bills/rent paid & his dog to go to the vet,

Killian 💞

[goingtolebanon]

I posted 4,049 times in 2021

687 posts created (17%)

3362 posts reblogged (83%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 4.9 posts.

I added 3,372 tags in 2021

#queue'd - 1742 posts

#cricket chirps - 689 posts

#tma - 361 posts

#jonmartin - 154 posts

#queue’d - 107 posts

#holmescore - 73 posts

#ask to tag - 68 posts

#bookmarked - 64 posts

#fav - 60 posts

#lois tag - 54 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#i've talked about this with zero and they literally told me to add on extra hit points if it gets overwhelming but shhhhh u don't know that

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

i feel like as a fandom we don't talk enough about the fact that the archives cot would definitely have smelled like jon and held those parts of him he only let go when he was absolutely exhausted. maybe the sheets were a little wrinkled. maybe the pillow is stained from when he spilled a bit of tea on it at midnight trying not to think about how he wishes it was made the way martin does it. idk i just think martin would have burrowed into the blankets really stiffly in the hopes of ignoring that it felt like staying over at jon's for the first time might have.

696 notes • Posted 2021-05-17 18:48:46 GMT

#4

may i present to you: one of the best screenshots i’ve ever taken

957 notes • Posted 2021-01-06 07:31:13 GMT

#3

karen posted this on twitter and all i have to say is “oH NO” 

1294 notes • Posted 2021-01-11 20:54:27 GMT

#2

truly one of the most relatable things to happen during a live show

1493 notes • Posted 2021-01-07 07:17:08 GMT

#1

as a physically disabled transmasc i would love if the community as a whole would recognise that binding may not be possible for some people and is not something people can do the same amount as each other. instead of giving concrete numbers of when to stop binding by we need to start telling people when to recognise they should take their binder off

2741 notes • Posted 2021-09-14 03:31:33 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[rossothelioma]

thinking a lot about my last reblog. hm

ok this is gonna sad all emo-y but im not looking for sympathy and attention im just getting out all my thoughts about my experience with chronic pain and illness.

 i’ve always had ear problems. hearing problems, infections, feelings of fullness, etc. in eighth grade me and my mother went through a rigmarole of doctor’s offices and tests to try to figure out what was wrong. hearing test results kept coming back inconsistent and my mri looked fine so they weren’t sure what to tell us.

my mom has rheumatoid arthritis. (It’s not the same thing as other disorders with arthritis in the name! actually look it up before prescribing us some miracle home medicine cure that saved your granny’s knee.) It’s an auto-immune disease that causes joint pain.

when my mother brought this up to the doctor in okc with the HUGE hands he simply said “oh yeah! it’s probably AIED. u should go see a rheumatologist.” and sent us on our way. AIED stands for Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease. there is limited documentation about it online and its rare (lucky me!).

yeah, yeah im undiagnosed fuckin sue me. im too young and not severe enough for a rheumatologist to tell me anything other than take ibuprofen and rest. its not like paying a piece of paper with a disease people already think is fake is really gonna help me move up in the world.

i belittle it because of this. im not diagnosed. oh its not that bad. i’ll just take some advil and get over it. it’s really whatever. people go through this all the time. im basically fine! im complaining about nothing. i can do whatever. why am i not constantly working all the time. i should be able to just keep going and going.

but like. i forgot that other people dont go through this. i forgot the normal amount of pain to be in is zero. i can’t even tell you the last time ive felt zero pain in a day. you’re telling me other people dont have to juggle with their health and energy in the same way i do? christ, you gotta be kidding me.

only really realizing now that i am disabled. i have an invisible illness that affects my life. it is real. it is justified. and it is ‘that bad.’ wow.

whats the point of ranting about all this? idk. maybe just to see if anyone can relate. maybe just to convince myself to treat myself better. i dont know

[janiedean]

The whole point of iron f*st is that the original storyline was offensive in that "Asian exploitation" way the 70s Kung fu craze was. They could have changed that by casting an Asian person. And ppl still want Miles, but are celebrating the diversity we do have. This isn't all or nothing, we have to show Hollywood we want diversity by praising it when we have it (as long as it doesn't rely on stereotypes or tropes). You can't defend one problematic marvel property & then call out another.

listen i’ve gotta go out in like ten minutes so I can’t give you the essay, but:

yeah, except that asians apparently don’t care much about whether IF is exploitative or not and it’s their business since kung fu movies/the kung fu craze as far as I recall originated in hong kong and then moved over to the US, so... idk. ask their opinion

also like the original character is white and related to a billionaire and the entire point of what storyline he had in the show is that he doesn’t fit in either narrative and is not asian, I could ask ‘please tell me one version of this where he’s still in that position of monetary power and where the point is both him being white and the class issues related to his wealth and where he’s not white and it has the same implications and the character is not a walking stereotype’, because all versions of it I can imagine would have been considered problematic on tumblr for other reasons most probably. anyway you can’t say that they *whitewashed* a character who was white in the first damned place. and IF had less stereotypical incarnations of the kung fu/martial arts kind than DD. actually matt also uses martial arts and kung fu and idk the comics but in the show it was a white guy teaching them to him, now why the hell didn’t I see anyone arguing that daredevil shouldn’t have been white? hm.

miles: people still want him? sure, but when they announced the mcu spider*man movie I swear half of my dash was reblogging posts about wanting the miles movie, the moment the news about mary jane came out SUDDENLY THAT DISCOURSE COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED. DROPPED. I haven’t seen a post on the miles movie for months. but I saw plenty before the mary jane casting. like, maybe one would think there’s a correlation.

which btw is exactly what happened with the upcoming d*ark tower movie - they racebent the lead character who’s now black and no one’s vocally complaining that they cut the canon black female disabled character from it, and whenever you tried to ask whether it was a good decision since ethnicity actually played a role in their interaction someone went and replied to me... er okay, so, female character suffers from DID. the second personality hates lead character for being a white asshole. the point was ‘how does that work if lead character is black’, and the reply was ‘well, the second personality can be a TRANS-RACIAL WHITE WOMAN WHO HATES WHITE MEN’. like. the suggestion was putting THAT as the second personality of a black character whose canon backstory was THAT SHE GREW UP IN THE FIFTIES AND DID MARCHES DURING THE CIVIL RIGHTS. lol. sorry if I absolutely don’t trust tumblr when it comes to actually give a fuck about canon non-white characters instead of complaining about white actors being casted in roles they think they shouldn’t be cast in.

btw a lot of the supposed praised diversity I see is in fact a stereotype. but never mind.

also: I’m not calling out shit because I honestly don’t give a damn about this whole drama. I’m just pointing out tumblr is a blue hellsite full of hypocrites. period.