#i was miserable lol im not doing something like this again until i can drive

[freesomebodybyluna]

...

[literaila]

this little secret of mine

spencer reid x reader

request: Can I request a fic Reid x Reader where the reader has a chronic illness (Im having a flare up an I'm emotional, and having surgery Friday lol) and just kinda anything you feel around that, that the first conversation about it, insecurity whatever you feel, I love angst as well so feel free to load it with that x 

a/n: i’m so sorry if there is any incorrect information. i tried to do my very best with research, but i will admit it might not be as accurate as it seems. if theres anything that needs to be changed just let me know.

warning: mentions of blood, needles, fainting, chronic pain, drugs, shit writing, a little angsty, and fighting

It was supposed to be a secret. 

She hadn't mentioned anything during her interview. 

And she still hadn't. 

Because it was meant to be a secret, one that none of them had to find out about. It was just supposed to be a secret. 

But when everything in your body was aching with every breath, with every blink you made, when you felt like you were on fire at just the thought of standing up, of just getting up, when that was happening, secrets were hard to keep. 

That didn't mean Y/N said anything. 

She felt extremely exhausted. Like fatigue was a stalker following her, refusing to leave her side at any given moment. 

There was no prison you could lock fatigue in. 

Sometimes, she could barely keep her eyes open, could barely think enough to remember to breathe. Sometimes, it was too much. 

She never said anything. 

But there were signs, little things she always did when it was worse when the pain was so unbelievably intense, there were little things she just couldn't keep hidden. 

Like the headaches, the constant medication she was taking for them, the moments where she felt like her head was going to break open because of the stabbing pain hidden behind her eyes. There was the slow way she always got up, the wince on her face when she moved, the slow and deliberate movements she couldn't go without. There was the pain that seemed to last for hours after she simply knocked her knee against her desk. 

And those were just the things she couldn't keep a secret. The signs that didn't go unnoticed. 

Everyone else always seemed to notice. 

There were constant questions of “are you okay?” that came her way and made her wonder if one of them knew if one of them had finally found out, the constant questions that always turned out to be false alarms. 

Sometimes one of them looked at her weird, sometimes she noticed the extra confusion in their gazes when they watched her stand up, or noticed her taking pain medication for the third time that day. 

She was very fortunate all of them seemed to understand that she didn't want to talk about it. She was very lucky that she had such great friends. 

She was very lucky no one knew. 

No one knew. 

It was only getting harder. 

As Y/N felt her joints getting stiffer, felt her headaches become longer, felt the fatigue weighing her down, as she felt her body start to collapse under itself, she knew that the secret would have to end. 

But she didn't want it to. It wasn't fair that she couldn't have this one thing, that she had to deal with this every day. 

It wasn't fair. 

It wasn't fair that she had to hide behind a brave face. 

It wasn't fair that she had to cancel. 

She had to cancel. 

It had been two years. Two insane years of no one knowing, of no one saying anything about the pain that rattled her body, it had been two years with the team, two years getting to know them, two years and she had gotten so close to all of them. 

It had been two years with Spencer. 

They were having their first date. 

They were having their first date.

He had asked her out on a date. 

After two years. Two years of looking across the room for him, of wrapping her arms around his neck when he was sitting at his desk, two years of being surprised by every magic trick he’d pulled out to impress her, two years of getting him coffee and a sweet, two years of sitting next to him on the plane so she could stare at him longer, two years of staring at him hopelessly. 

She’d been in love with him, and his caring way of looking at things, and the knowledge he kept stored up in his brain. She’d been in love with him so for long it felt like a lifetime. But never had she expected him to ask her out on a date, she figured if ever, she would break and ask him. 

But she hadn't. 

And he had.

It had been two years. 

And he’d asked her out on a date. 

“According to relationship experts, you should wait two months before asking someone out,” Spencer said. 

They were sitting in a tiny cafe, both enjoying a cup of coffee. It was their day off, and like most days off, they were spending it together. They’d developed a habit of driving around and going to new places together. 

Y/N was sipping on her coffee thinking about where to go next when Spencer suddenly spoke up. She looked up at him confused. “What?” she asked, her eyes wide, her cup of coffee stilled her in her hand as she waited for him to continue, as he usually did. 

“No- I mean- It's socially acceptable to broach the subject of dating after two months, but actually in most cases, it happens sooner… it really depends on how much time you spend with that person and-” he stopped, pausing his hands that had been gesturing in front of him as he stared at Y/N. 

“What?” she repeated. Spencer stayed silent, his eyes were darting around the room, and he seemed to be lost in thought. After a few moments, Y/N tried again. “Spencer? Why’d you bring this up?” 

Spencer shook his head and looked back into her eyes, seeming to be pulled out of his gaze at her words. 

“I think I waited too long,” he said. 

“Too long for what?” Y/N asked, still not getting the point. 

“To ask you out.” Y/N’s heart jumped at the words, her body exploding at the surprise she felt surge through her. “We spend almost every day together. And it's been two years.” Spencer continued a small smile on his face at the memory. 

Y/N sat there, her coffee still in her hand, staring at him. 

“I’m hoping it's not too late?” Spencer asked, still looking at her with now bright eyes. 

Y/N just stared at him. 

He frowned. 

And she laughed. 

She laughed at him and nodded her head, bringing her coffee up to her lips. 

And he smiled. 

“You’ll go out with me?” he asked, his eyes bright again, dimples popping up on his cheeks. 

And she nodded again. 

And now she was stuck in a daze. Her pain was chipping at her, keeping her from getting off the couch, she barely had the energy to breathe, barely had the energy to do anything except stare at her ceiling. 

She wished it would go away. 

She didn't want to tell him. She didn't want him to know, she didn't want his pity, didn't want to have the conversation, she didn't want any of it. 

She was going to have to cancel. 

She couldn't force herself to get up, which meant it would be impossible for her to get ready, impossible to sit in a restaurant and pretend to smile and pretend that just picking up her fork didn't make her want to scream out in agony. 

She hated this. She hated all of it. 

She felt like crying, like curling up and sobbing until she couldn't hear anything else except for the silence in her mind. She felt like spilling some tears for the miserable state she was in, but she didn't think she could move, she didn't think she had the energy to even close her eyes. 

She had to call him. 

She had to call and tell him, tell him that she couldn't go, that she was sick, that she thought it was the flu, that she had to cancel on their first date, that she couldn't go. 

She wanted to scream. 

It took multiple moments of deep breaths, of reminding herself she could do this, it took extra motivation to grab her phone on the coffee table next to her. She felt useless, felt like she was some fragile thing that wasn't to be bothered with. 

She wanted to text him. Wanted to avoid the sound of his voice, the disappointment she could already hear, she wanted to just get the words out and not have to talk to him. 

She didn't think she could move her fingers enough to text him. 

Her phone rang, and she waited for him to answer. 

The phone clicked and she heard a quiet “Helloo?”

If she didn't feel like she was going to pass out she would’ve laughed. 

“Spencer?” she said, quiet and slow. She felt already out of breath at just the one word. 

“Y/N? Is there something wrong?” 

And at that moment she wanted to tell him, she wanted him to come over and hold her close and cuddle her until she could finally fall asleep. She wanted him to be with her, and she wanted to listen to his voice, and she just wanted to feel better. 

She swallowed and then began to explain. “I don't think I can come… tonight.” Her jaw felt tight at the words, and no matter how hard she was trying she couldn't relax her face. 

“Oh.” 

Just one word. Just enough to make her feel horrible. 

She took a deep breath and urged herself to continue. “I.. don't feel... So good.” 

Just speaking was exhausting her, just breathing was causing her chest to tighten up, she hoped she would fall asleep soon. 

“Are you alright? What's going on?” he asked urgently, and Y/N could hear him stop whatever he was doing in the background. 

What was going on? What could she say to him? 

“I…” she gasped in the air that was pushing on her chest “caught something.” 

Spencer didn't say anything so she continued, “I’m sorry… Spencer.” 

And that was all she could say. Exhaustion took over, and she didn't hear anything else before she closed her eyes. 

At least asleep she wouldn't feel guilty. 

She was still sleeping when Spencer walked into her apartment. 

She hadn't heard him knocking on the door, too deep in her exhaustion to notice anything. 

And Spencer was worried. He was always worried about her, worried she would get hurt, get herself hurt, was always worried that something would happen to her, to the girl he loved. But it was different this time, she hadn't even stayed on the phone long enough to tell him what had happened. 

He couldn't just leave it at that. 

He had to make sure that she was alright, that nothing bad had happened in the time between the silence over the phone and Spencer showing up at her apartment. 

He had knocked, knocked, and called her name, but when she hadn't answered he felt himself become more worried, even sick Y/N could’ve called out to him. So he used the key she’d given him, telling him that someday he might need it, and he walked into her apartment. 

What he hadn't expected was to see her sleeping on the couch, find, but pale with dark circles under her eyes. 

She looked especially drained. 

A tiny part of him was glad that she wasn't just trying to get out of their date, that she didn't just not want to go, but the other part of him was still immensely worried, and his brain immediately started racking up the things that she could be sick with. 

He let her sleep some more. Listening to her labored breathing, watching her chest rise and fall as he thought of which viruses were going around. 

She had sounded terrible on the phone. 

He walked around her small apartment for a little while, thinking about her, worrying about her, just waiting for her to wake up. 

Eventually, he got impatient. She seemed to be getting more restless with every minute that went by, and Spencer couldn't stand the frown on her face, so he gently shook her awake. 

She opened her eyes and immediately closed in on herself. 

Her body was fighting, attacking itself, the different nerves were running all around reminding her of all the pain she was feeling, she was in so much pain. She curled into herself, the pain enclosing on her chest and her back. She was frozen trying to hold herself together. 

Spencer moved away, worried that he had hurt her. 

She was gasping, out of breath now, and Spencer was standing there watching her. She hadn't even noticed him. 

Sleep hadn't helped her, the fatigue still hadn't left her alone, and now her body was on fire as if it was fighting a war against itself. She didn't have anything she could do, there was no medication she had that was strong enough to fight against pain like this. Emotions were clouding her head, and she begged them to go away, she didn't have the energy to fight them off. She could barely move. 

And Spencer was standing next to her shocked, worried, and very confused at the girl in front of him. This seemed way more intense than a virus. 

“Y/N?” he asked softly, bending down on his knees so he was closer to her face. 

And she noticed him. And the pain was collapsing her. 

What would she say what would she say- 

She just wanted to keep her secret. 

She wanted the one secret she had. 

She gasped out. 

Why couldn't she just control this?

“Y/N? What's wrong? What hurts?” Spencer asked, quietly as not to disturb her, but she could hear the concern in his voice, could feel the questions he wanted to ask, could feel buckets of worry pouring out of him. 

The pain was insistent. 

She tried to breathe again, reminded herself of her grounding techniques, of the coping skills she had learned after years of pain. She took deep breaths and tried to remind herself that she was in control of how she reacted. 

It was working. 

Just a little bit. 

She finally had the energy to move from her position, tilting her head so she could look at Spencer, so she could beg for another minute, just one more minute to get herself together. 

She hoped he understood. 

She kept breathing. 

And finally, she could listen. 

“Are you okay?” Spencer asked, his eyes were less worried now, but Y/N knew he wouldn't leave without an answer, a complete answer. 

The secret was out. 

Y/N shook her head. She just shook her head, and she felt so tired, and she could still feel her body stinging as if it was being pricked at, and her head was aching, and her eyes were drooping, and she was so tired. 

All she wanted was to feel good. 

Why couldn't she feel good? 

“What's going on Y/N? This isn't a virus.” He said patiently as he could see the pain on her face. He didn't want to rush her, he didn't want her to be anymore strained than she already looked. But she seemed so sick. He had to do something. 

She just shook her head, squeezing her eyes tight at the pain that came with it. Spencer looked at her and frowned, she clenched her fists together in an effort to try to keep the pain at bay. 

“Okay...okay…” Spencer said, and he went to lift her so that she wouldn't have to move, he picked her up and sat down on the couch with her, he sat down with Y/N who looked so much like glass at that moment Spencer was afraid to hurt her. 

Luckily enough, him moving her hadn't sent another rage-induced war over her body, and she felt herself relax into his shoulder, felt comforted by the warm feel of his body, by the hand rubbing her back, by the smell that was so familiar. 

“Are you ready to talk yet?” Spencer asked. 

Y/N kept her eyes shut, trying to avoid making her headache any worse, but she could still tell that Spencer was frowning again, and while all she wanted to do was relax, she knew that she owed him some sort of explanation. 

“I-” she gasped at the pain that was stuck in her chest, she hadn't expected talking to make her heart start burning. Spencer quickly brought his hand to her cheek, moving her head so she would look at him, so he could make sure she was still okay. She opened her eyes to look at him and the words got caught in her throat. How much more pain could she endure before it was too much? 

“I’m just-” this time it wasn't the pain that stopped her, it was the confession she was about to make. The secret she was going to tell him. “I can't-” 

Spencer rubbed his thumb over her cheek, waiting for her to continue, but when he saw her eyes again he could tell that she couldn't go on, he could see the wall stopping her from saying what she had to say. 

“Y/N. It's okay. It’ll be alright.” he reassured, hoping they were the right words to say. 

“I can't,” she said again, desperate this time. 

“I can tell you in pain…I can see it in your eyes. Nothing bad is going to happen. I only want to help. It's okay Y/N.” 

And then she took a deep breath. 

And she told him. 

***

It was worse this time. 

And better. 

And worse. 

This time, at least Spencer knew what was going on, at least he understood to the extent he could, at least he knew her breaking points. 

But it was worse. It was so much worse. 

She’d been working, working a lot, working a lot more than she ever had before, she’d been working and working hard. It was too much. 

The pain was too much. 

She’d been overdoing it. It was something she’d always tried to avoid, always tried to keep away from her. She’d been warned about it when the pain had started, warned that while some working was okay, even good for her, that too much working could cause more pain, even more, intense pain. 

She’d been warned. 

She hadn't listened though. 

She seemed to be wrapped up in her job, in the hours that she spent saving other people's lives, she seemed to be wrapped up in it all. 

And she was always with Spencer when she wasn't working. She was always enjoying her time with her boyfriend, she was never sleeping when she was with him. 

She’d been over-doing it. 

But she couldn't stop, she couldn't just give it up now, she couldn't just avoid the work because she didn't feel good. She was going to have to deal with the repercussions that came with the decisions she had made. 

She didn't have a choice. 

She never had a choice. 

This was so much worse. 

And it was technically still a secret. 

Even though Spencer had found out two months ago when she’d had a bad flare up and had no other way to explain to him but the truth, the rest of the team hadn't. Y/N had made Spencer promise that he wouldn't say anything to anyone. She didn't want Hotch to find out, she didn't want him to make changes to her job, to keep her behind because of the illness holding her back. She didn't want that. And she didn't want the pity, and the babying that would happen if the others knew. 

It was bad enough that her boyfriend knew. 

He was especially protective of her now. 

No one else knew. 

And that was good, it kept her from worrying too much about it, helped her keep up the distraction of work without one of her teammates asking if she was okay, it helped her stay on topic rather than focusing on the pain. It was a good secret. It was one she wanted to keep as long as she possibly could. 

But it was getting worse. 

It was almost too much. 

Needles were pricking at her joints, pulling at her joints, keeping her tied down wherever she was sitting, they were keeping her still at any given moment. Her back was burning and sore, and she could do anything about it because if she moved every bone in her body would sting with the burn of needles. Her headache had become a constant in her day, and the pain medication she always kept with her had been getting emptier with every day that passed. 

She’d noticed the looks Spencer had been giving her, noticed the furrow in his brows every time she offered to do anything that didn't involve sitting. She ignored them, focused on the job she had committed to.

Every once and a while, Spencer tried to pull her away, tried to get her to settle down, and just talk to him, and every time he tried to do it, every time he looked like he was about to say something to her, she was busy. 

She managed to be busy. 

And now she had to go save a life. 

James Thomas was murdering couples, he was murdering people and the team had to stop him. There was no time for pain. 

Emily had to go in as bait, it was clear from the moment they got there and James was sitting silently at the bar. Emily needed to be a distraction, to lure him away from all those innocent people around him. 

Y/N was covering her. 

She watched with her gun in her pocket on the other side of the bar as Emily approached him, she noticed the slight change in her body language, the flirty smile she had put on, she wasn't worried about Emily. Her friend was smart enough to know what she was doing. 

And Y/N was smart enough to ignore the pain in her hands and her back, she was smart enough to pretend it wasn't there. 

She watched as James looked over at Emily curiously, as he looked her up and down, she watched as Emily moved closer to him, leaning in so close Y/N wondered if she was going to kiss him. She watched as James got more interested in the conversation. 

She looked over to Hotch and saw him nod at her. It was fine, everything was fine, they just had to wait a little bit longer. 

Just a little bit longer. 

Y/N kept her eyes on Emily as James turned completely toward her, she kept her hand on her gun and her other on the drink she didn't care about. She watched as Emily suddenly lost her smile, as she shrunk back only a little, she looked over to Hotch and he gave her the okay. 

It was time to get him out of there. 

She saw him reach into his jacket for something. 

She saw Emily tense her hand. 

And there was a gunshot. 

It surprised Y/N at first, but when she opened her eyes she saw Emily standing up straight staring at James, and she saw James down on the floor, covered in blood. 

She rushed over to them, she quickly patted down James, grabbing the gun from his coat pocket and giving it to the police officer behind her. She patted down the rest of his body, making her he didn't have any more weapons, and she helped him stand up, taking most of his weight in her arms as he couldn't stand with the bullet wound in his chest. 

She looked up at Emily to make sure she was okay. Emily nodded at her, and she walked out with James. 

And then it was silent. And then she could feel the seconds passing by, could feel the messages her nerves were sending to her brain, could feel everything happening inside her body, she could feel everything. 

There was so much pain, there was so much pain, there was so so so so much pain. 

She was being stabbed, over and over, relentlessly, everywhere on her body, she was being stabbed over and over and over, and she couldn't breathe, couldn't understand what was happening because it wasn't supposed to hurt this much, it was never supposed to hurt this much. 

It had never hurt this much. 

She could feel her body freeze and could feel herself take one more step, one more step out the door, just barely out of the building, before she collapsed, dropping James with her and swaying toward the ground. 

She was supposed to have control, it was never supposed to hurt this much, it was never ever supposed to be like this- 

And she could feel herself moan as she hit the ground, could feel her joints scream at the pain of being moved so much, she could feel the blood rushing to her head, and could feel her back still on fire like it had been for the past week. 

She still didn't know why it hurt so much. 

She’d never had a flare-up this bad. 

She wasn't supposed to fall because of the pain. 

It was supposed to be manageable. 

She didn't realize she had screamed until she felt hands on her until someone was shaking her and trying to get her to stand up, she didn't understand. 

She felt someone pick her up. 

And then it was too much, it was finally too much, too much for her mind, for her body, too much everything. 

It was too much. 

And she fainted. 

She woke up in an office. 

It was void of people and smelled distinctly like men's cologne. 

She tried to move her head but the pain was blinding. 

She heard a voice next to her. 

“You’re up,” Spencer said as he closed the door to the office, holding a bottle of water and a bottle of pain meds. 

She looked at him thankfully. 

And then she stretched her jaw so it wasn't as stiff, and asked him why she was there. 

He explained how she had passed out at the scene. He told her how he’d made sure to take her back somewhere she could rest, instead of taking her to the hospital as the rest of the team was insisting. He told her that he hadn't told them anything, just that he needed to make sure she was okay.

He handed her the bottle of water with a frown on his face, while she sipped the water, he opened the bottle of meds and pulled out two pills and handed them to her. 

She smiled at him with her mouth closed, as he watched her take them. 

It was silent for a moment after that before either of them spoke. 

“Spencer-” 

“I don't want you doing that again,” he said firmly. His voice was like stone and his face was unwavering. 

Y/N looked at him shocked. He’d never looked so harsh before, at least not with her, she was surprised by his reaction, but she was even more surprised that when she looked over to the clock it said she had slept for six hours. 

Six hours. 

That explained the bad taste in her mouth. 

“Spencer I don't think that's fair-” she started to say before Spencer interrupted. 

“No Y/N. I won't let you do that to yourself, I don't want you in pain every day.” 

Something about his tone was making her angry. 

“Spencer it was just a flare-up, they happen sometimes. I can't control them,” she said, and now her eyes were hard and staring at him. 

He didn't understand. He could research it for hours, could learn every piece of information there was out there. But he would never know. He would never understand the pain, the strength it took to deal with pain like that every day. He wouldn't understand the sacrifices she had to make sometimes. He just didn't understand. 

“Y/N, this wasn't random. You’ve been working yourself down to the bone. You haven't stopped working in weeks. And it's wearing you down, I can practically see you deteriorating.” His voice got louder with every word that he spoke. 

“Spencer this is my job. I’m not going to stop just because of a little pain.” She said shaking her head, staring at her, her face not breaking. 

Spencer sighed and moved away from the couch she had slept on. He just wanted her to understand, wanted her to see that if the positions were switched she would be insisting he took it easy too. It hurt him to see her in pain, to see her falling apart every time she moved. Why couldn't she understand that? 

“Y/N, it's not a little pain,” he said pacing around the room, no longer looking at her. “I can tell how much it hurts you. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to be out on the scene today.” 

Y/N could feel the concern, the worry, radiating from his body. She could see that he was fighting with himself, trying to figure out something to say. But she wasn't going to budge on this. 

“Spencer, this is my job. This is who I am.” She said every word clearly, but her body was shaking, and her head was aching. 

“Even right now! You’re still in pain. You were asleep for six hours and you’re still in pain! Can't you see that this isn't okay?” he was whispering, yelling, but he was upset with her now. He was upset with her not caring about her own well-being, upset that she thought her job was worth more than her health. 

She closed her eyes tightly, willing the pain to go away before she spoke again. “Spencer, I can't just sit and live around and have nothing and be in pain all day. This job is good for me. I can't just be a brick that never moves because I don't want to feel bad. I refuse to live like that.” she was getting more and more worked up with every word, and she could feel the tears stinging at her eyes, reminding her that she could still cry. She moved her hand in front of her face, not wanting Spencer to look at her. 

Spencer went over to her and sat down next to her. He just stared at her for a moment. Watched as she tried to blink the tears away, as she tried to will them away with just her thoughts. He could tell how much she was fighting, trying not to be vulnerable around him. He could see how much it hurt, how much energy it took just to do that. 

“Y/N,” he said, moving her hand away from her face so that he could see her again. He gently intertwined their fingers, reminding her that he was still there. “You can cry. It's okay to cry,” he said softly, more caring than he had been since she’d woken up. 

And the glass in her eyes broke. It broke open, shattering the windows in her eyes, letting the tears pour from the broken pieces. She couldn't remember the last time she had cried, couldn't remember the last time she’d had enough energy to cry. 

She didn't want Spencer to see. 

But he was sliding on the couch next to her, laying down and pulling her into his chest, he was rocking her back and forth slowly, remembering that she was still in pain, that too much movement would make her joints attack again. He was holding her, letting her cry. 

She felt like a child, but Spencer holding her was helping, it was keeping the pain a distance away from her, too far away from her to hurt her as much as it had been. 

She hadn't cried in so long. 

Spencer rocked with her, as she mumbled words against his chest, as his hands ran through her hair. 

The pain medication seemed to be helping. 

“Y/N… I just want you to give yourself some room to breathe,” he whispered after a couple of minutes after the cracks in her eyes had started to mend themselves. 

She looked up at him and frowned. She didn't want to take a break, she didn't want anyone to know that she needed a break. She didn't need a break. She didn't. 

“I don't want to,” she mumbled childishly, as she looked away from him. She was pouting now, and she knew that she wasn't going to win this battle. 

“It's okay to need a break Y/N. Everyone does. You have an unfair disadvantage. You deserve a break sometimes.” 

She shook her head. 

“It's not fair, “ she said quieter than before. The cracks were breaking again, and she was crying against his chest. He held her tighter. “It's just not fair,” she said again desperately. 

“I know,” he said as he kissed her head, as he made her aware that he was there, that he understood. “I know.” 

And they were curled up together. If anyone had looked in the window they would’ve seen a boy and a girl, both sad, both angry, but together and so desperately connected. They would have seen a boy and a girl, together, and in love. 

Spencer was quiet again, and he listened to Y/N’s stuttered breathing, listened as she took deep breaths, and felt as her chest stopped going up and down frantically. She was finally starting to calm down, to breathe with Spencer, to calm down against his chest. 

She sniffled and looked up at him, her neck hurting, not because of the pain this time. 

“I’ll try to take it easy,” she said, memorizing the way his eyes lit up. 

“You will?” he said excitedly, as she imagined a little kid would. She laughed at him, as he pecked her lips and held her tighter once again. 

“Yes.” she murmured, breathing in his scent, finally relaxed in his arms. 

It was strange that he could make her feel so peaceful in just a couple of minutes. Strange that although she had been crying only a short time ago, that she felt safe with him. 

“I love you.” she finally said. 

And he pulled away from her just a little bit, just so he could look at her face, into her eyes. 

Neither of them had said it before. Both of them had thought it, thought it over and over in the two years they had known each other. Both of them had felt it, pounding in their chest, breaking them down. They’d both thought it, both felt it, but neither of them had said it. 

Spencer was saving it for something special. 

But she’d just said it. 

She loved him. 

She looked up at him, hoping that the look on his face would be good. 

And it was. 

He was smiling, his eyes were lit up in hope and wonder, and the smile lines on his face were breathtaking. He was smiling so wide. 

She blushed and moved her head back down to his chest. He laughed at her, and Spencer wondered if he would ever be able to stop smiling after hearing that. 

“Are you sure that isn't just the drugs?” he asked, hoping he could look back in her eyes. 

And she giggled against him, and then looked up shaking her head. 

He smiled even more, and she copied him. 

“In that case,” he said, kissing her forehead “I love you.” 

“You do?” she asked, still smiling at him, forgetting about the pain, about everything, when she looked in his eyes.  

“I do,” he confirmed, moving his hand to her cheek, stroking her face with his thumb. “I really do.” 

She smiled and forgot everything. She smiled at him, and she sat in the warmth of his words, in the happiness of his smile. 

Maybe Spencer was her pain medication. 

my masterlist here

[corpsentry]

january: an art retrospective

i did some stuff last month (but it’s a lot of stuff and there’s a photodump + some Serious Fucking Reflection, so it’s all below the cut)

so ok, let’s start with this. here are some heads. each head has a red arrow. that red arrow is what i call the red line of the devil. it’s the slope of the face from the side of the eye to the cheekbone and then down towards the chin. up until like 2 weeks ago, i couldn’t draw it. i couldn’t fucking draw it. i would edit over that part of the face over and over again until i was frustrated and tired and i had a raging homosexual headache and it still never looked right. notice that each head is different. notice that each head looks wrong.

at the start of 2021 i finally admitted to myself, as per the image above, that i was deeply, deeply unhappy with my art. what was the problem? i dunno. but i decided i was going to fix it and i was going to do so via another one scribble a day event wherein for every day of january i would find a photo of a human head, and i would draw it.

january 1st, 2021. i was embarrassed to tweet this even on my private account where like 5 friends and a rock would see it. in retrospect, you can also see all of my bad habits emerging like dicks from a hole in the ground. it’s disproportionate. the brows look flat. the eyes are slanting upwards. the entire drawing looks flat, like this isn’t a 3d person but a caricature of one.

january 2nd, 3rd, 4th:

on the 2nd i decided to start a separate thread for doodles and applied learning. here’s the first set of tests

the rest of the week is kind of uneventful so we’re going to skip those. fast forward to january 11th

this one is especially bad. i am acutely aware, suddenly, that i am not changing anything at all. i’m stressed and miserable about it because i’m still trying to see people as people and trying to draw people that look attractive and proportionate and hot. my friend, leny, reminds me that i need to think about faces in terms of planes. i have a moment. my other friend masha sends me some links to anatomy tutorials. i have another moment.

january 11th. applied sketch

january 13th is when i start the troubleshooting process. the link above drives me mad because i’m pretty happy with the face but then i realize that there’s something very fucking wrong with the shape of the head LOL and then i realize that i’ve never had any idea what the proportion of the face to the rest of the skull is so i grit my teeth and i open a new canvas and i

bald studies. it seemed like the right thing to do. can’t draw heads? ok draw some heads. look at some photographs. i traced each photo but tried to stick to straight lines so that i could replicate the shapes more easily. i broke each face down into shapes. i thought about airplanes

i got really excited. i started doing studies, then applied studies, then stylized studies.

sketches. i’m not sure what’s going on (as always) and it’s very rough, but they look different from the sketches i did on january 2nd. that’s a start

january 16th’s daily study. looks more like a person now. juuuuuust a bit

more applied studies

on the 18th i take a break and go stare at some lips because i don’t understand how the fuck they work. again, i focus on shapes, on volume, on the fact that these things exist in 3d. holy fuck lips exist in 3d. holy fuck we are real

january 19th. i’m working on it.

january 22nd. some sketches + a daily study. it has finally occurred to me that heads can tilt up and down and that things look different accordingly. yes i was not aware of this before. yes i have been drawing for over a decade.

january 23rd. by this point after doing my daily sketch i almost always go back and do an applied study which is basically to say i drew a lot of fucking links. this one looks kind of okay. i’m kind of proud

january 25th. links. trying to make sense of everything i’ve learned

26th, 27th, 28th. daily studies

january 1st. january 31st

The End Of The Photo Dump (dab)

ok NOW i get to talk about what i discovered while studying the shit out of human beings

FIRST OF ALL, there is something precious and magical about drawing shit without the explicit knowledge that you’re going to tweet that shit out to 45 people later. it takes the burden of perception off your shoulders and that does something to you, or at least that’s my theory. i told myself i wouldn’t post any of this stuff until the end of the month (if i wanted to post it at all) and kept everything off my public social media accounts and that meant i could draw ugly as hell without worrying about who would point and laugh, which i absolutely fucking did. a lot of these are fucking trainwrecks. most of these are fucking trainwrecks. why do they look like that?? why??? this doesn’t look like the work of someone who’s allegedly been drawing since they were in kindergarten, does it?????

here’s why: because that person took a huge motherfucking swing at everything they’d ever known about art and spent a month building something new in its place. the abstract explanation is that i grew up on shoujo and weird old anime and my understanding of anatomy was unironically kamichama karin and while i love kamichama karin, when kamichama karin is your rule even if you try to break it, you’re going to end up going nowhere. “you have to know the rules to break them”, yeah? well i didn’t know shit. the abstract explanation is i’ve been miserable about my art for a few years now because i saw other people doing things effortlessly which i couldn’t and instead of going back to the basics, i tried to do what they did (not plagiarism, mind you, i mean i literally tried to copy the red line of the devil i mentioned above because i couldn’t even make that happen) and then i fucking failed.

the simple explanation is this. i had to unlearn everything, and relearn it again (like some kind of new renaissance clown, what the fuck is this?)

take this for example. all my life i’ve drawn faces in the order: eyes, nose, mouth, face shape, head. this works for some people, im aware, but it was something central to how i had always drawn, so i decentralized it. i said fuck you to the old me and changed the order up. now i start with the nose, then the eyes, mouth, the chin line, and the sides of the face. now i force myself to think about the human head as a series of parts interacting with each other instead of a bunch of disparate features which i want to look pretty.

or let’s use this zelda from last year. something about this looked wrong last october, the way something about all of my drawings looked wrong, but i couldn’t pinpoint it for hell the way i couldn’t articulate Any of my feelings about the visual arts. now, looking back, here’s what i see. that nose is sticking out far too much given how she’s not really facing very far away from the camera. that ear at the back shouldn’t be there. her forehead is too big. she doesn’t have a forehead. what the fuck is up with the shape of her head?

so apparently reject modernity embrace tradition has its roots in alt-right terminology and i’m not very horny for the alt-right (you understand), but the spirit survives here. you know sometimes you have to admit that you have no idea what the fuck you’re doing and draw people for 31 days. i’ve spent my whole life drawing stylized people and while again there are artists who have no issue with this, i veered off the track of the Good and the Holy and couldn’t get back on. i had no point of reference because i’d never thought about what an actual human being looks like, so i had no way to fix what i knew in my gut looked wrong but wouldn’t come out better.

this was hard. this was like oikawa tooru swallowing his worthless pride and admitting that ushijima wakatoshi had gotten the best of him for the last time in his high school career, but in haikyuu!! by furudate haruichi oikawa tooru fucks off to argentina and then joins the argentinean national team, and you know what, i think i’ve made it to argentina (not the team just the country). as per the golden rule of dont fucking move until you’re at least two thirds of the way through the month, i only started trying to draw Shit shit on like the 22nd or something, but i was happy with that i created. i am happy with what i’ve done. i’ve posted like 2 things this month that involve people with what i now call ~applied Knowledge~~ and they’re, like, not perfect obviously (perfection is an unattainable ideal), but i’m fucking proud of them. i didn’t spend 5 hours hunched over my laptop adjusting the red line of the devil because it’s not a devil’s line anymore. because i finally sorta get how people work. because i sat down and i said ‘we are not going to fuck with this misery shit anymore’ and then i did that. it’s just a line now.

here are 2 collages tracking my painstakingly carved out progress from january 2nd to february 2nd because i’m a slut for collages

and here’s what i’ve done to my art! the same person drew these but also Not Really! you know! for the first time in a year i don’t immediately hate what i’ve drawn. you know what guys? art is fucking fun. zelda’s forehead doesn’t scare me anymore because i know how foreheads fucking work now, and i don’t know everything, and i’m going to keep troubleshooting stuff as i go (i want to draw a skeleton. like a. i want to draw a goddamn skeleton guys) but i’m honestly and genuinely proud of what i’ve done in the span of a month, and i’m also in disbelief. i started this month-long challenge out as a last ditch effort to make peace with my art because i’ve been tired for a long time and i was ready to kick the bucket on drawing people altogether. i didn’t think anything would happen. nothing’s happened for years. i’ve been miserable for years.

this was the caption for january 1st, 2021. i was super, super fucking embarrassed and it looks like super fucking shit, but you know what, i think i did in fact triumph over the bullshit. surprisingly enough, when you put in consistent effort into something, You Will See Results. didn’t see that coming, did you? i know i didn’t.

this isn’t a success story. it’s a happiness story. i never gave a shit damn about the institute of art or whatever, i was just mad at myself because what i saw in my head didn’t match up with what was on the canvas. and now it’s getting better. now i’m calibrating the compass. now drawing not just backgrounds but also people is exciting to me, and i can stick my links in your face and tell you ‘they hot’. i’m going to keep doing that. i’m going to keep going until i drop off the side of the earth and then spiral towards mars like some kind of fairy, and then i’m going to create something beautiful.

thanks for reading. here’s a pr department link for sticking around until the end

[babysizedfics]

I need to know about doctor mama lo taking care of a sick baby Virgil if you would like pretty please. I dont wanna ask on the in character blog cuz I feel like it would be weird to ask for details and lo seems kinda busy anyway lol.

hey tumblebee!! yeah yeah lets do this, Im gonna write it so that ppl who dont follow the other blog can understand too

WARNING IF U HAVENT ALREADY BLOCKED THE TAGS ILLNESS TW AND VOMIT TW THEY ARE VERY PREVALENT IN THIS

also this is a VERY long headcanon!!

so last night vee got ill, he had been regressed in the afternoon with patton and he was acting much more fussy than usual - not being entertained by his cartoons, not having the energy to play with his rattle, pretty much constantly whining and pouting and he gets very wriggly when he's fussy

patton assumed it was because vee had been upset earlier that day. at one point vee started gripping his stomach, and patton assumed its because he was hungry and could smell the food roman was cooking

but when dinner came around no matter how hard patton tried he couldnt get vee to eat a morsel - he kept turning his head away from the food and whining. at one point patton and logan both managed to convince him to eat a spoonful but his face crumpled with a wince and it looked almost painful for him to swallow it. it was at this point logan noticed he had a faint sheen of sweat on his forehead

things fell into place quickly after that - logan checked his temperature and it was indeed slightly higher than was healthy, they noticed vee's hands were trembling and he was constantly on the verge of tears :(

while patton cleared away dinner and excused roman who wanted to go and craft in his room, logan took vee to his bedroom and tried to check for more symptoms, since vee was non verbal and unresponsive totheir questions. he tested his tummy by pushing it a little to see if the pain got worse when he released it (this is a test for appendicitis) but there was no reaction thankfully except vee being upset by logan not cuddling him. he checked his throat for any redness or infection, nothing.

vee's crying became more pronounced and eventually he was in constant tears, occassionally pleading 'mama mama' through sniffles and hiccups and whines of pain :(( Patton brought him a baby bottle of cooled tea made with fresh mint leaves since that is supposed to help stomach pains. though he left the room again since logan thought it was best not to crowd virgil. Vee's crying had dissipated but he was strangely silent and seemed almost loopy now. he only drank a little of the tea before he pushed it away with a gag.

logan immediately took him to the bathroom knowing what was coming, and sure enough vee threw up into the toilet, crying between gags. logan dutifully managed to keep vee in his lap the whole time and held his hair and rubbed his back, telling him he was such a good boy the whole time

Thankfully it didnt last long as there wasnt much in vees stomach to be emptied. he was shivering and sweating and flushed and had lost all energy. he wasnt even crying anymore, just whimpering under his breath. with a bit of a struggle logan managed to show him how to rinse his mouth out with mouthwash - though he had to hold vee over the sink and pat his back to make sure he didnt swallow it

during all of this patton wasnt able to help because of his heightened empathy, if he sees someone throwing up the likeihood is he will too and that wiuldnt be very helpful! so instead he drives to the store to pick up some medicine and ice pops - and comes back with half the store including some actual baby medicine smh - ((im actually begging u to read that linked post i think its so funny))

it was originallly meant to be logans night to put roman to bed but understandably patton took on that task instead. after roman was drifting off patton pokes his head into vee's room. he had hoped to find lo and vee asleep but they werent. they were lying in the dark with an in the night garden audio story playing on a portable speaker and with vees salt lamp and star night light lighting up the room in a soft glow.

logan offered a strained little smile and nod to patton as he stroked vee's hair and cuddled him close. vee was completely out of it honestly. his body was wholly lax against his mama, his lips were in a permanent pout and his eyes were puffy and wet. he barely even acknowledged his papa coming in, his teary eyes just settled on him for a moment then dropped back to the bedsheets without a reaction. he kept lifting his thumb up to suck on it but logan kept capturing it and apologising as he brought it away. Vee shouldnt suck on his thumb and logan doesnt want to give him a paci while he's ill. understandably, baby vee was completely miserable.

patton asks if logan thinks vee could handle a popsicle or plain crackers at the moment but logan disagrees. he doesnt expect either of them to get much sleep so he will make sure vee eats something in a few hours. with a gentle kiss on vee's forehead patton goes off to bed, confident that logan will be able to look after vee and will come get him if theres any issues

logan and vee really dont sleep much at all. Vee drifts off for a few minutes at a time then gasps awake from vivid fever dreams. logan keeps ice cubes in a bowl by the bed for vee to suck on if he needs to cool down and wraps a couple in a flannel to press to vee's head when his fever rises in the middle of the night.

around 3am logan jolts awake and realises he had drifted off. and vee isnt anywhere in the room. he panics momentarily, bolting up from the bed and dashing to the closet to see if virgil is in there - which he tends to do when he is overwhelmed - but then he hears sniffling from the bathroom.

he finds vee, no longer regressed, curled up against the side of the bathtub with his bangs clinging to his sweaty head. vee is the palest person logan knows but he looks positively grey at the moment

'can i help in any way?' he asks, aware that he doesnt need to baby talk at the moment but still eager to look after this bundle of miserableness

virgil just groans under his breath and clutches his knees to his chest. 'i.. i didnt know what to do with the..' he gestures vaguely to something on the floor

logan notices virgil, being not regressed anymore, had obviously wrestled off the diaper he had been changed into the night before and not known how to dispose of it

'its ok, ive got it' logan wraps it up in a bag and puts it in the trash can they have in the room for just this purpose

'sorry.. m stupid' virgil croaks

'You're not stupid.' logan says firmly as he washes his hands 'You're ill and probably delirious from the fever. it's alright virgil'

theres quiet for a bit longer, virge's head pressed against the porcelain edge of the bathtub likely in an attempt to cool his fever. logan stays there with him for a while just waiting. then suddenly virgil starts sobbing and buries his face in his hands.

'sweetheart, tell me whats wrong please' logan hurries to kneel beside him, lifting his hands away from his face. that wouldnt help the fever

'i dont feel well' virgil cries pathetically, tears rolling down his face.

logans heart breaks 'no, you dont. i'm sorry little one, i know its not nice'

at the nickname virgils thumb raises to his lips again, which logan hurriedly intercepts. 'i'll make you a deal, okay? you're allowed to use a pacifier, but you have to use the same one everyday until you are better. we will need to sterilise it every night too.'

vee sniffles and nods, then chokes 'm not a baby right now though'

'that doesnt matter. you dont need to be regressed to want one of your pacis, vee'

vee is unresponsive and starts scratching at his pyjama pants. logan gets a feeling he isnt saying something. then he notices virgil's pout is much more infantile than his adult ones. 'are you feeling little, baby?'

with a harsh shake of his head vee starts crying again. he whispers 'dont wanna be a b...' then cuts himself off and whimpers

logan cards his fingers through virgils damp bangs. he knows what virgils mind has jumped to. 'were you going to say you dont want to be a baby?' he lifts virgils chin up to look at him 'or that you dont want to be a burden?'

virgils pale lip wobbles 'same fing'

'no sweetheart, no no no,' logan sits on the tiles beside vee and pulls him into his lap. virgil goes willingly. logan rocks his baby as he says 'youre always always allowed to be a baby and its never ever going to upset your family. even if you're an adorable wonderful brave baby boy alllll of the time' he scribbles his finger on virgils rosy cheek and delights at the tiny smile it earns him. 'but especially when you're feeling yucky. you feel a bit yucky today dont you, little one?'

vee nods with a pout

'but yknow whats not yucky? softies and pacis and diapers and lots and lots of cuddles with mama' he holds virgil tighter to prove his point. vee sighs and drops his head to nuzzle against his mama's neck. logan feels he still has a slight fever. 'i know what might help you feel less yucky. does my sweet baby want a sweet ice pop?'

thankfully vee nods against his shoulder and grips tight onto his pyjama shirt, preparing for when logan lifts him up

he first makes sure to change vee into another diaper and even decides that he should wear one of mama's t-shirts as a light dress so he doesnt get as overheated by his pyjamas. at this point vee actually giggles for the first time pretty much all day as he feels the tshirt swish lazily around his legs. logan makes a mental note to observe whether little vee might want to try wearing dresses if the feeling sparks this much joy (at this point logan is unaware that vee has secretly been trying skirts and dresses in his room for months, and roman found out a few weeks ago, but vee isnt ready to tell the cgs yet)

by the time vee is in his diaper and mamas tshirt dress and has a paci and jiji clutched to his chest he is a lot calmer and happier. he's still very ill and exhausted and teary, but theres a tiny smile on his face instead of a pout. in the kitchen he picks a strawberry ice pop and it goes down well, logan convinces him to have a cracker too though vee is in such a young headspace by then that he is just sucking on it, which logan supposes is fine too

by the (real) morning vee is still regressed and has managed to have a couple hours undisturbed sleep. its not much but its better than nothing. logan didnt fare much better. by then vee misses his papa and asks for him and logan hands the responsibility over to papa patton, trustinf the other caregiver enough to catch up on a quick power nap himself

but yes, the main thing is vee thought being ill was a burden enough that he shouldnt be regressed too, but logan makes him see that its okay. vee is regressed pretty much the whole time he is ill over the next few days because its stressful and painful and its a lot easier to feel comforted when ur a baby

yeah! gosh that was long, theres probably a billion spelling mistakes! feel free to ask follow up Qs if i missed anything u wanted to know abt this event

[hoeforbilly]

second chances

i have a bunch of requests (thank you thank you thank you) and im doing my best to get them out to you as soon as i can! hope you like this one!

request: "Could you write an imagine, where Billy cheats on the reader and she catches him in the act. He doesn't realize how much she affected his life/ how much he loves her until shes no longer apart of his life. He tries to win her back. (Maybe happy ending?)" @schulky56

warnings: idk if i should mention there's swear words here? maybe? well there are lol

genre: a lil angsty, a lil fluffy

word count: 1.6k (yay finally something longer)

"It's not like we were ever that serious" Billy's voice was quiet and you couldn't help but laugh at his words. He was on sitting his bed, the girl right behind him, wearing one of hisshirts. You felt sick looking at them.

"What do you mean we weren't serious? you said with a bitter laugh. "Don't even answer that." you decided, turning on your heel and heading for the stairs.

"Y/N wait!" he sounded behind you but you didn't want to look back, tears already gathering in your eyes. Your heart was pounding, and you felt your hands starting to shake. You almost made it to the door but Billy caught up to you. You slowly turned around to look at him.

"Look, I really didn't think you were serious about this so I didn't know this would be such a big deal and..." you didn't let him finish.

"We both know that's a lie Billy" was all you said before leaving his house, getting in your car and driving away for good. To think you came over to check in on him after he didn't come to school that day. You felt disgusting knowing he just used you, he did exactly what people said he would and fucking cheated on you, like you were just another girl to cross off his list, add to a collection of thropies. Tears clouded your vision so you pulled over and put your car in park. "This is not real" you said to yourself, as you sobbed. You were pathetic and you hated that you let Billy do this to you. You hated that you trusted him and that he made you believe you were special enough for him to stay with you. "I'm so fucking dumb" you cried.

A few weeks passed and you slowly managed to pick yourself back up. You were very successful in avoiding Billy at school, you ignored every question and story you heard about him and just went on with your life. Your heart still ached for him, you were worried any time you wouldn't see his camaro parked in its usual spot but he hurt you way too much for you to just forget about it and run to him.

Billy thought he really wouldn't care. You were just a girl and he wasn't the type to cry over a girl. He did feel guilty when he saw you cry as you drove away but he expected that to be it. A quick moment of sadness and then back to the schedueled programming.

He walked back up to his room, he did leave a gorgeous girl all alone in his bed after all. He layed next to her and she cuddled up to him and Billy swore he felt sick to his stomach. He stayed like that for a second before jumping out of bed.

"You have to go" he mumbled. And so she did. She got dressed, cursing him under her breath and left his house. He had no idea what was happening but he felt so fucking empty. His head was aching, he grabbed a shoe box from under his bed and started gathering your things. A pen you let him borrow on his first day in Hawkins. Your chemistry notes he took to study from because he didn't have his own. A sweater you forgot to take as you left his room in a hurry, trying to avoid Neil's anger. A hair tie. A note you left in his locker. He felt his cheeks go red as he looked at what he had left of you. "What the fuck Hargrove" he whispered go himself, running his fingers over the sweater. "Why the fuck would you do that".

He felt awful. He didn't realize how special you were to him until you were no longer there and he just didn't know what to do with himself. He tried to talk to girls but they just couldn't compare to you. They weren't funny like you. They didn't have your laugh. God Billy was whipped for you and he only realized after you were out of his reach. He intended on giving you back all the things you left at his place but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He was miserable. Seeing you made him feel even worse, he just wanted to walk up to you, apologize and kiss those beautiful lips of yours. But he neved did, knowing you probably hated him.

The streets of Hawkins were almost empty, it was just past 8pm, the sun was slowly setting, the sound of rain hitting the roof of his camaro nearly putting Billy to sleep. He dropped Max off at the Wheeler's house and decided to take the long way home, not really wanting to have to deal with Neil just yet. The shoebox filled with your belongings was placed in the backseat, just in case he got the guts to finally return in to you.

He saw a figure appear on the sidewalk seemingly out of nowhere. The weather was no ideal for a walk but he didn't really care, happy he was seated in the comfort of his car. As he approached the person he started paying more attention to them. A big red hoodie with the strings pulled to protect them from rain, sweatpants and white sneakers. He took a closer look and realized it was you. In his red Hawkins Pool hoodie. He felt like his heart was about to jump out of his chest. He slowed down and rolled his window down.

"Y/N it's raining. I can give you a ride" he gave you a small smile and tried go swallow the lump in his throat.

"Thanks, I can walk. My house isn't that far anyway" you answered politely, not even looking at him. Your house was in fact very far away, at least a 20 minute walk. You thought he wouldn't remember anyway.

"Except it is far" he noticed with more confidence in his voice. "Come on, it's not a big deal. I don't want you to get sick".

"Okay" Billy's heart skipped a beat when you said that. You quickly walked over to the passenger door, getting in and taking off your hood. The car smelled just like you remembered. The leather seats had a lot of wear to them but that's what made them so special.

"So how have you been?" there was a shakiness to Billy's voice that you didn't recognize but you decided to ignore it.

"Good. A lot of school and stuff" you didn't wanna go into detail of how wrong it felt to not be with him. He nodded and hummed, acknowledging your words. "What about you?"

"Same old, same old" he sighed. You spent the rest of the drive in silence. Billy opened his mouth a couple times but ultimately decided not to say anything, as it would probably be super dumb anyway. Pulling up to your driveway he cursed himself for wasting a chance to talk to you.

"Thanks Billy" you smiled at him and unbuckled your seatbelt. "Do you want to come in?" your eyes widened in shock at what you just said. Not once during the drive have you thought about inviting him in and you had no idea where in suddently came from.

"Sure" he answered casually. Inside he was freaking out. You got out of the car and ran to your door, the rain was way more intense now and neither of you wanted to get soaked. You sat on the couch and just kind of looked at each other awkwardly. Billy broke the silence with a deep breath.

"Listen Y/N, I'm really sorry for what I did" he started, as he leaned to you a little, eyes glued to his hands. You did not expect to hear any apology from Billy Hargrove, and this one was really genuine.

"I mean we weren't technically dating. You never asked me to but I just assumed and..." your voice caught in your throat when he finally looked at you.

" I regret what I did and I regret not asking you to be my girlfriend. I was so dumb and I just didn't realize how much better my life was with you" he admitted. You stayed quiet for a while, surprised at his sudden confession.

"I get that you probably don't care about me anymore" he added and you shook your head.

"I do" you have him a weak smile. "I always cared about you Billy. That's why I stuck by your side for so long."

"Can we try again?" you saw how scared he was to ask that question.

"I don't know if I could trust you B."

"We don't have to go straight into dating. I just... I just really want you back in my life. You can go out with anyone you want and I can wait as long as it takes before you trust me. Even if you never wanna date i just wanna be your friend" it took you a while to process his words and he was getting more nervous by the second. "Please?" he reached out for your hand and you nodded.

"Okay. We can try that" the smile he gave you after that made your stomach do multiple flips. He pulled you into a hug and never stopped grinning as he held you close to him.

"Thank you. I won't waste your time, I promise".

Billy Hargrove was not one to make promises. But he knew he would keep this one.

~

~

~

here it is, hope you like it! 💜

[dcomposing]

jumin route rewrite???

ive had.... Issues with jumin's route since the first time i played it and im waiting out a 3 hour layover which means its time to self indulgently fix all of those problems right now in excruciating detail

for the record, i dont mean any disrespect towards cheritz -- i love mysme dearly and this is purely a self indulgent experiment to see what my ideal jumin route would have been! if you like his route as is thats totally fine! it just wasnt for me lmao

this was super fun to write and if this picks up i might do another route rewrite (and i might do it even if it doesnt because it was just that fun lol)

anyways this is REALLY long (literally its like 3k words all in outline form) so its gonna go under the cut lol

okay so: issues i had with jumin’s route that i want to address:

it moves WAY too fast — i mean all of the routes do to a certain degree; they’re only 11 days long but like... you’re literally engaged to him by the end of it which iirc, is something that is only replicated in seven’s normal ending (and even then i think its only implied?) and i get that the point is that jumin goes all out for the people he loves and is VERY certain that he loves you but it just feels... way too soon for my liking ESPECIALLY because you’re his first love! it just makes it feel like he’s caught up in the rush of being in love for the first time and isn’t thinking things through which... isn’t exactly the making of a great relationship lol. so for this re- write we’re gonna slow it WAY down because... oof. 

the sarah and glam plot line happening concurrently with the mint eye/possessive jumin one makes the route feel overly busy. i actually have a similar issue with the echo girl/mint eye overlap in zen’s route but that’s a topic for another day lol. so i’m gonna try to delineate between the two a bit more so there’s less overlap.

SPEAKING OF possessive jumin lol... maybe its just my Personal Background bleeding in, but possessiveness is a really big red flag/trigger for me and i felt like it went WAY too far in his route. dgmw, i understand that its meant to be a character flaw and something he’s meant to overcome but i just feel like there are simpler ways to show that side of him without it becoming... as scary as it got. i wasn’t sure how to deal with it though -- i think it would best be expressed through smaller actions and the minutia of dialogue with the others (e.g. jumin refusing to send a photo of you into the chat room when zen asks if you’re alright, locking up elizabeth, etc.)

the canon first kiss with jumin happening both without your explicit consent AND just to drive sarah away is.... icky to me. especially because he MAKES EYE CONTACT WITH SARAH while kissing you??? i hate that cg lol. it just takes what should be a moment about the two of you and turns it into him using you to prove a point and i don’t like it at all. it’s not romantic and it feels... out of character for jumin to use someone he cares about like that. i have similar issues with the proposal happening right after he exposes glam and sarah. so lets make the kiss more genuine and nix the proposal entirely because it happens too quickly for comfort anyways.

with all of that in mind, i decided a fake dating plot would probably work best (and like i said, this is self indulgent and i’m a SUCKER for fake dating stories sooooo). it makes sure we hit all the beats of the glam/sarah plot line without shoving him and the mc into a relationship too quickly. it also means we can keep their first kiss as a big “fuck you” to sarah, but this time mc gets to be 100% in on the joke AND they get to have a “real” first kiss later on! that’s two (2!) kisses for the price of one folks.

i also decided that in order to streamline the plot a bit, the glam and sarah plot should end earlier, allowing for the mint eye plot to take center stage instead of being shoehorned in around a larger love triangle plot line. also glam and sarah are annoying and i don’t want to deal with them for six full days. the only downside is we don’t get to see v dunk on sarah at the party :-(

in lieu of a proposal for the necessary Big Romantic Gesture at the party, i thought it would be nice if jumin whisked you away from the party to paris or somewhere far away for a ridiculously extravagant first date literally in the middle of the party. not only is it ridiculously grandiose in and of itself, but in abandoning the party halfway through, it shows that jumin has grown into a more relaxed and spontaneous person through knowing you! he’s ready to throw caution to the wind and have fun with you (plus, Big Romantic Date cg!!)

day 5:

VN mode where we essentially get the exact same scene of chairman han telling jumin he wants him to marry sarah to make the merger with sugar round go more smoothly BUT this time jumin blurts out that he’s already with someone and that he didn’t want to go public with it yet. he assumes his father won’t press further, given that they’ve always had a mutual respect for one another’s privacy, but at glam’s insistence, chairman han says he wants to meet jumin’s partner. oh no!

jumin laments his situation to the rfa, resulting in pretty typical responses. zen laughs, yoosung is sympathetic but also kind of wishes it were just that simple for him to meet a wife. jaehee is worried that the inevitable fallout of this will result in more work for her. everything is business as usual until seven is like “ur so rich why don’t you just pay someone to pretend to date you lolol” and jumin (being, well, jumin) runs with it 100%. because they don’t have time to vet candidates (they’re supposed to have dinner with his dad tomorrow night!) he decides it should be someone he knows, but the majority of the other rfa members are already acquainted with his father via rfa events, making it more likely that he sees through the ruse. mc, however, has never met him, making them the perfect candidate! who would have thought lol

so they decide to move you into the penthouse that evening BUT before that can happen, they have to clear it with v because bomb, hacker, mint eye, etc. (yes this is how i’m choosing to do the bomb reveal lol). bonus, v gets to chide jumin about his dumb lie and we get a fun bff conversation with them!

final VN where you show up to the penthouse and you and jumin establish the parameters of your “relationship”. you decide that you’ll both sleep in his bed, just in case a cleaning staff member walks in and notices that he and his partner sleep separately and it ruins everything. establish what physical contact is and isn’t cool, etc, etc. you also decide that when the time comes, you’re going to tell his dad that the entire debacle with sarah put so much strain on your relationship that you had to break up. the hope being that chairman han will feel so bad about ruining things for jumin that he won’t try to force him into something like that ever again.

days 6-8:

you have dinner with his dad and answer pretty typical “meeting the parrents” questions. he asks what you guys did for your first date and jumin tells a 100% fake story about taking you to dinner on top of the eiffel tower and kissing you beneath the stars and the chairman is satisfied. that doesn’t mean that glam and sarah are though. they decide to do some sleuthing to prove that you guys aren’t really dating.

this is the fun part where we get to hit most of the beats of ur typical fake dating story! you and jumin get to know each other really well, albeit kind of superficially (favorite foods, fun childhood stories, etc. etc. nothing too heavy yet.) you guys cook together for the first time, cue cg of jumin with like... idk tomato sauce on his cheek or something. you watch a movie together and elizabeth falls asleep on your lap and jumin dies on spot idk

this is also where your first kiss happens, and pretty much in the same way except its much more mutual and he doesn’t look at sarah this time because his focus is on trying to make it look like he doesn’t even care that she’s there because you’re the only thing he cares about. (which.... isn’t actually hard for him to do at all)

chatrooms are pretty typical for this timeframe — you guys all know the drill. the other members are like “wow they seem really close” and speculate on whether or not you guys are actually together. zen is worried that jumin is going to force himself on you (wolves, etc.). yoosung is jealous that jumin gets to hang out with you. jaehee is upset that jumin is neglecting his work.

VAGUE mentions of weird activity on the messenger, but nothing too serious sounding. just enough to make jumin nervous -- esp with sarah and glam on his back still. this is when he locks elizabeth up. 

 day 8, the chairman learns that sugar round is worthless and that glam and sarah have been duping him the whole time. they’re disgraced and are never heard from again so... problem solved but this also means that you and jumin no longer have a reason to stay “together”... and you’re both kind of falling for each other so obviously that’s no good. you spend one last night in the penthouse before resolving to break things off officially in the morning. the other members talk about how sad you guys both seem to be parting.

BAD STORY END 1:

if you shy away at the fake intimate gestures (hand holding, hugging, etc), and pointedly answer incorrectly when asked a question about jumin that you should know the answer to, your ruse fails and you guys are caught faking the relationship. to avoid the scandal breaking to the press, jumin winds up marrying sarah anyways.

the branch point for this one would be right before the kiss scene, if you’re on track for the good end then the kiss happens, if not, you’re forced to shove him away when he goes in for it, revealing to sarah that you guys are frauds.

the cg would be him and sarah at the press release for their engagement announcement. sarah’s all smiles and jumin is... pretty understandably miserable looking. a reporter asks him about the other person he was in a relationship with prior to his engagement to sarah, and he reads off a line about how sarah captivated him like no one else ever could in an emotionless voice.

BAD RELATIONSHIP END 1:

if you do fine during the VN portions, but aren’t active enough in the chats, then the fake relationship plan works, but afterwards its just... really awkward. once the whole mint eye thing ends you’re pretty much just excommunicated from the rfa since you... didn’t really seem to like them all that much.

day 9:

a huge attack on the messenger happens, coupled with explicit threats directed at mc, sending everyone into such a panic that ending your fake relationship is the last thing on anyones mind. jumin is so fucking scared that he’s going to lose you, and muses in the chatroom about why he’s more scared for your safety than he would be if it were, say, yoosung being threatened (cue yoosung’s crying emoji lmao). everyone else is like “well clearly its because you’re in love with them”

anyways. they decide its for the best if you continue to stay at the penthouse and in spite of everything, you’re both... kind of relieved lol. 

everything is all fine and dandy until elizabeth III runs away, ramping jumins anxiety up to 11 like... right away

this is where we really start to see behavior more along the lines of what happens in his route, you suggest the two of you leave and search for elizabeth, and he refuses to let you go, etc. etc. 

it sort of turns into a fight, but it all works out in the end. he tells you about rika and elizabeth and why she means so much to him, and you guys talk about how fear of losing someone important to him can’t rule his life, and that its one thing to be careful, but another entirely to try to control someone else’s behavior because of fear. 

you convince him to get some sleep, assuring him that elizabeth will turn up soon and that he’s going to be alright. you guys fall asleep next to eachother without even thinking about it. its not until jumin mentions something about waking up next to you in the chat the next day that the rest of the gang is like “uhhhh,,,, why are you guys still sharing a bed”

MEANWHILE lol seven and yoosung arrive at mint eye and find elizabeth, just like what happens in canon. they decide to bring her back tomorrow.

BAD STORY END 2:

obligatory mint eye ending. if you’re too aggressive and forward with jumin and don’t give him time to properly process his feelings, he doesn’t offer to let you stay at the penthouse, relying on seven’s assurance that the apartment is totally secure (it’s not). saeran breaks in and takes you away.

this branch happens pretty early in the day, before elizabeth escapes.

i thought about a cg for this one but tbh... there are so many saeran and mc at mint eye BE cgs that idk what i could come up with that wouldn’t be super derivative lol

BAD RELATIONSHIP END 2:

again, because you’re only talking to jumin and not the rest of the rfa, he assumes that you don’t like being in the rfa very much BUT he still likes you... a lot and is very worried about your safety re: hacker, AND because he still hasn’t really dealt with his issues regarding v/rika/emotions, you guys decide to just straight up leave lol. you move to a different country where he can pretty much continue doing his work remotely while keeping you safe.

the cg for this one is the two of you in a different cushy apartment somewhere. you’re making dinner while he works. its... stable, but noticeably stiff. neither of you are talking much and his dialogue is pretty stilted. its pretty clear that he regrets abandoning his friends and is unhappy.

day 10:

3AM chat with zen where he speaks entirely in thinly veiled hypotheticals about you guys. (“well, if i thought i could have a shot with someone i really loved, i think i would take that chance and tell them, even if i might get shot down. and even if that person was a huge ass who my sexy white-haired best friend hated. i would tell them how i felt”)

seven secures the messenger again and the threat is declared neutralized! you’re safe to go home but neither you nor jumin want that at all.

yoosung brings elizabeth back around 9, and it proceeds pretty similarly to what happens in his route: he’s wary about taking her back because he feels that he’s mistreated her, you’re like “whoa buddy you’re going too far in the opposite direction here” and you and v have to convince hm that its going to be okay. the only real difference is that v doesnt also have to convince him to let you go. he just says something about how the two of you seem to bring out the best in each other, and that jumin is brighter when you’re around. 

later, jumin (tries) to make you lunch using the cooking skills you taught him a few days ago as a final payment (since you refused actual money) for all of your help, both with his father and with elizabeth, but he winds up ordering in instead. its very cute BUT its super awkward because neither of you has said anything about not wanting to leave.

finally you have to face the music and pack your bags. you hug jumin goodbye and make him promise to still get lunch with you sometime before heading back to rika’s apartment sadly.

everyone is like “yo what the fuck???” and its actually yoosung of all people who is finally like “this is ridiculous. you two clearly have feelings for each other and you need to deal with it” 

jumin is absent from most of the chatrooms for the rest of the day  though, so he doesn’t really see anything until he forces himself to log on later that night and is like “oh”

and YES of course this is going to culminate in a typical romcom scene where he has driver kim race to the apartment so he can pound on the door and apologize to you and tell you how he feels!! maybe it even happens in the rain just to maximize romance. the important thing here is that you finally kiss him for real this time and its perfect.

BAD STORY END 3:

pretty much jumin’s BE2, if you werent assertive enough with him re: his possession/control issues on day 9, he never gets over them. when elizabeth is returned he locks her back up and insists that you continue to stay with him as well, canon BE2 ensues.

i gotta hand it to cheritz. its a really good bad ending and theres not much i wanna change about it. its so scary in a calm sort of way, which i think is the perfect vibe for a dangerously unhealthy jumin. if only people would stop fetishizing it lolol

party (GE ver):

you and jumin mingle with the guests and the other members for a bit, but as the evening goes on, jumin gets restless. he pulls you aside and tells you that, while you did a wonderful job planning the party, he can’t help but regret that your guys’ first

date is technically a work function. especially when the fake first date you told his father was so perfect. he then decides that the two of you have been there long enough to fulfill your obligations, and that no one could really begrudge you if you “took off” a little early. you guys fly to paris that night and have that dinner on top of the eiffel tower.

the ending cg isn’t a kiss one, but a more simple, sweet one of the two of you in a dimly lit restaurant, jumin listening to you talk with the most tender, loving look in his eyes.

party (NE ver):

you and jumin mingle with the guests and the other members for a bit, but as the evening goes on, jumin gets restless. he pulls you aside and tells you that, while you did a wonderful job planning the party, he can’t help but regret that your guys’ first date is technically a work function. especially when the fake first date you told his father was so perfect. he laments the fact that if he was caught shirking responsibilities to take you on a real date, the press would have a field day with it, but promises to make it up to you, and take you out on a proper one tomorrow.

this cg is the two of you dancing at the rfa party, jumin resting his chin on the top of your head and daydreaming out loud about everything the two of you could do on your real first date.

[killerqueenjoy]

99 Question Tag

okay okay I know i got tagged to do this like a month ago on my main blog by @santonicababy iM SORRY LIN ILY BUT THIS WAS SO DAMN LONG

1) DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED

I sleep in the room where everybodies closets are and they all gotta be closed goddamn do you know how spooky it is to even have one open during the night

2) DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS

my parents do, but alas I don't use them in case they have silicones or sulphates in them because I got a whole lotta curls to protect

3)DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?

if this refers to the sheet protecting the mattress, then my answer is in because how the fuck would you be able to sleep with that moving around???

4) HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE

NO SORRY IM BORING

5)DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST IT NOTES

heck yeah, but for random shit

6) DO YOU EVER CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM

nee my parents are fancy fuckers who use the coupons on their phone (our local supermarket has a damn app skskksksk)

7) WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES

a bear because its one giant son of a bitch and not millions of tiny motherfuckers and also I've never been stung by a bee and intend to keep it that way because majority of my family seem to be allergic

8) DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES

nope! I have a couple beauty spots on my hands and face but thats kinda it

9) DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES

not really but if I've been told to smile then its 200% dead inside

10) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE

i find many things annoying

11)DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK

only when i go up and down stairs, but i also try to make sure i step with each foot equally (if that makes sense) and i step on only certain colour tiles when im bored

12) HAVE YOU EVER PEED IN THE WOODS

the real question is have i ever been in the woods? both answers are no

13) HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS

refer to question 12

14)ummmm idk what this question is meant to be curse you Lin

15)DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS

nope, the idea weirds me out

16) HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK

none, this week and in general

17) WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED

one person and a long yet smol doggo size

18) WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK

Eddie from the Rocky Horror Picture Show has been stuck in my head for the whole week so yeah i guess that

19)IS IT OKAY FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK

HeLL YEAH DUDE HAVE YOU SEEN RAMI MALEK IN PINK

SKSKSKSKS END MY LIFE

but yeah, anyone can wear anything they want to wear (although a suit made out of meat might not be wise)

20) DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS

dudeeeee scooby doo and tom and jerry are my jam I watch them on the regular (among other things)

21)WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE MOVIE

uhhm idkkkkk I tend to repress bad movies sksksk

22)WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME

idk shove it in the closet ig at least it will be hidden behind my sexuality

23)WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER

I usually only drink before or after but ig water??? cooldrink if I'm in a restaurant

24)WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN

depends on the nug

25)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD

How dare you assume i only have one favourite

tbh it depends cos i love pizza and pasta and stuff but then i cannot live with my granny's curries ksksmks

26) WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE

borhap, sing street, rhps, the natm movies, the harry potter movies, any mcu movies

27)LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU

ahhahahahahahha bold of you to assume anyone wants to do that

28) WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT

nope but I was a catrobat which is basically my preschools acrobatics team that was actually really terrible

29)WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE

nahh m8

30) WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER

this week for a transactional task at school (It was in Afrikaans and I got a C skskskks)

31)CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL IN A CAR

omg no

32)EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET

not old enough to drive!

33)EVER RAN OUT OF GAS

my parents never have for as long as i can remember

34)WHATS YOUR FAVOURITE KINDA SANDWHICH

cheese because I am actually John Deacon

35)BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST

MUFFINS!!!!

36)WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME

school nights its 11pm otherwise i dont have one lol

37)ARE YOU LAZY

YES BUT MY LAZINESS MAKES ME ANXIOUS OOF

38)WHEN YOU WERE A KID WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN

we dont celebrate that here but i rly want to it seems fun!

39)WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN

Ram, which is really cool because im an Aries, so I'm sheep squared

40)HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK

English, Afrikaans (at a basic highschool level), I could speak very vERY basic isiZulu when I was younger but I'm not sure about now, I know a bit of French and Telugu, and I'm gonna start learning Hindi soon!!

41) DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS

nee

42) WHICH ARE BETTER, LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS

i didn't play much with legos and i have no idea what the second one is rip

43)ARE YOU STUBBORN

to an extent

44)WHO IS BETTER, LENO OR LETTERMAN

I kept reading Leno as Lenin ffs

45)EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS

I watch them occasionally with my granny, but I don't keep up with them very well (Kasamh Se is my shit tho)

46)ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS

no, im afraid of falling in general tho

47) DO YOU SING IN THE CAR

My dad and I bop frequently to Never Gonna Give You Up in the car, and also classic bollywood songs (we have even learnt the choreography for some)

48)DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER

i perform

49) DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR

well theres not exactly much space

50)EVER USED A GUN

nope

51)LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER

not sure

52)DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY

most are but thats why i like them

53) IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL

we don't celebrate because we're not Christian (we still eat a lot and exchange presents tho), but it can get stressful if we have to visit extended family, mostly because my extended family loves to insult everything about me so thats great!

54)EVER EAT A PIEROGI

not i good sir

55) FAVOURITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE

never had one, it doesnt appeal to me

56) OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID

a vet

57)DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS

i am a ghost

58)EVER HAD A DEJA-VU FEELING

not that i remember

59)DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY

yes, I take a multi vitamin, a vitamin D pill because I'm vitamin D deficient, and im not sure if this is a vitamin or not but i take evening primrose oil so that im not outwardly a bitch due to pms

60)DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS

i wear slipper socks, because my doggo got jealous of my doggie slippers and murdered them in cold blood

61)DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE

i have one and rarely use it because i forget it exists

62)WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED

a random shirt and pants, though ive been known to kick pants off (ive been doing that since birth), occasionally i manage to get the matching pj set

63)WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT

ive unfortunately never been to a concert before

64)WALMART TARGET OR KMART

ive never seen any of these stores in my country

65)NIKE OR ADIDAS

i own neither

66) CHEETOS OR FRITOS

neither

67)PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS

Peanuts because thats my doggos name!

68) EVER HEARD OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN

no sorry

69)EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS

i went to a bhangra class for about a year, and we performed for our parents at the end of that year (i was in one of the few groups that didnt have to dance in lehengas thank goodness)

70)IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE

YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING

probably something creative, but I don't mind as long as they're happy with what they're doing and its not harming others!

71)CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE

yep

72)EVER WON A SPELLING BEE

never entered one, having to spell out loud makes me anxious

73)HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY

i think so

74)OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS

nope

75)OWN A RECORD PLAYER

i wish

76)DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE

my granny burns incense while I'm at school because my mom and i both get really sick when its just been lit and the smell is strong. Going to the temple is a damn nightmare because of it

77)EVER BEEN IN LOVE

no, too busy fangirling

78)WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT

oof a long list

Queen, Twenty One Pilots, Waterparks, Frank Iero and the Future Violents (ffs fronk stop changin the name), Panic! at the Disco...to name a few

79)WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW

refer to question 63

80)HOT TEA OR COLD TEA

both

81)TEA OR COFFEE

coffee

82)SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES

sugar cookies

83)CAN YOU SWIM WELL

i wouldn't drown, but im no professional either

84)CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE

im doing it right now

85)ARE YOU PATIENT

eh

86)DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING

I've only ever been to Hindi,Tamil and Telugu weddings and lemme tell you 90% of the time bands flop at those weddings because they can't sing the classics without failing miserably, so DJs are generally better. However, in that case, if a band can perform those songs, then I'd prefer a band ig

87)EVER WON A CONTEST

yep, a couple of reading contests

88)HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY

nope, not planning on it

89)WHICH ARE BETTER, BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES

dont like olives rip

90)CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET

i can knit!

in fact, my friends and i are so cool that we're in our schools knitting club (which besides myself, @grandfunnyemopainter and @imjustabruh , only has 2 other members)

91)BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE

lounge or study/library

92)DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED

i guess, its not on my goal list tho

93)IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED

no

94)WHO WAS YOUR HIGHSCHOOL CRUSH

currently in highschool, and in love with the borhap cast, sebastian stan, stephanie beatriz and band members (theres more but yeah)

95)DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY

nope, i have only two ways to deal, be a total pushover or a total bitch

96)DO YOU HAVE KIDS

nope

97)DO YOU WANT KIDS

kind of undecided, but i do want more pets

98)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR

Dark Blue

99)DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW

my dog, shes been ignoring me for about four hours now because I stayed at school for an extra hour (for knitting club!)

@softspaceboibrian @roger-taylor-owns-my-wigg @im-inlovewithmycar do it cowards

[mvssmallow]

CWAC: Chapter 29 Part I (temporary re-upload)

Cloudy With A Chance

Chapter 29 Part I: …of airplanes.

Masterlist

Day 0

“You what?”

“I need to go to Japan.”

He stares at Hanbin’s back, waiting waiting waiting for the next reaction with a racing heartbeat in his throat.

“It’s three days till Christmas.”

“I know.” He says with a tired sigh. “They want to meet a producer over there. It’s the last time he’s free before he goes on hiatus with his family for a month. They want to get a lock on him before I start on the album.”

Hanbin stops cleaning his desk and turns around to face him. “When do you leave?”

“Now. Today.” He says, even more exhausted at the thought of having to pack for the airport. “Jin booked our flights already. The cars coming over in half an hour.”

Hanbin nods then and half shrugs. “Yeah okay.”

He’s a little taken aback, unsure what he was expecting but some part of him thought (hoped) that his absence would be more upsetting. He didn’t want to make them sad and miserable but there are times where he just craves some kind of evidence that he’s important in Hanbin’s life.

“So you’re okay with this right?”

“Yeah, of course. It’s your job now.” Hanbin moves past him to open their drawers and rummage for the passports kept there. “Which backpack do you want to take with you?”

He feels oddly blindsided by everything that’s happened this afternoon. The sudden phone call. The impromptu flight. Hanbin’s blasé response. His internal dissatisfaction.

“Jiwon? Which one?”

“Um, the blue one.”

A blue camo print backpack is thrown on the bed and his passport is tucked into the front pocket. He watches as their wardrobe doors slide open and Hanbin pauses to survey all the pre-ironed t-shirts just hanging there.

“Do you want me to help you pack?”

No, I want you to miss me when I leave.

He can’t say that out loud so instead, he settles for: “Yeah, if you’re not doing anything.”

Hanbin scoffs. “What else would I be doing right now?”

They pack with quiet efficiency. Well, he watches Hanbin pack with quiet efficiency, the tense stillness only punctuated by Hanbin’s short questions and his own single word answers. It makes him want to yell really loudly or say something stupid.

But the hour’s almost up. The car will be here soon.

“Wait a minute.” He’s checking the contents of the backpack with a frown, pushing phone chargers and socks out of the way but still not finding the thing he wants. “Where’s your Snoopy t-shirt?”

Hanbin looks at him with confusion. “Snoopy? That shirt is so old. Don’t you want one of your newer-”

“No.” He shakes his head, suddenly pissed off for some reason. “I need that one.”

It comes out harsher than he wanted it to but if picking a fight is the only way he’s going to get Hanbin to react then he’ll play dirty for once.

But Hanbin just goes and looks for the damm t-shirt without saying anything. It drives him insane and he can’t really remember a time he was this frustrated about Hanbin’s selective mutism.

“Here.” A soft and greying t-shirt is held out towards him. “Are you going to wear it out? It’s so old. It’s seriously getting holes in the sleeves.”

He takes it and tucks safely into his backpack. “No. I’m not going to wear it out. I just want to take it with me.”

“Okay.” Hanbin says slowly, eyes suddenly piercing into the side of his face like they always do when they’re trying to read his mind.

The phone in his his pocket starts buzzing and ringing then. Great timing as always. The car is downstairs to pick him up.

“I gotta go.”

Hanbin walks him to the front door and watches him put on his jacket and tie up his shoelaces.

“So umm, I guess I’ll see you when I get back?” He says, prepared and resigned to leave with just a brief kiss. Who knows how affectionate Hanbin is feeling right now.

“Message me when you land? And when you go to sleep.” Hanbin instructs, his voice shaky and watery for a split second. “And when you’re packing again too, so you don’t forget anything.”

He cracks the first smile of the day. “Yeah, I’ll just message you everything okay?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

Then he sees it; the slumped shoulders, the downcast eyes that never meet his and the subtle frown pulling at the corners of Hanbin’s mouth. He can feel fingers playing with the straps of his backpack, even though there’s nothing to fix or adjust.

Well, finally.

“Come here.” He says softly, pulling at Hanbin’s t-shirt and relieved when there’s no resistance at all. Just a sigh.

He’s going to write a song about this one day. He knows it. This exact feeling whenever he pulls Hanbin’s slightly smaller body into his, the initial thrill of butterflies followed by the deep warm ache that comes from something so good, so unbelievable, so comforting, so his.

“Gonna miss me?” He asks. Fuck subtlety, he needs to hear the words sometimes.

There’s a nod against his chest that makes him want to laugh. Typical Hanbin.

“Say it baby. I wanna hear it.”

“Jiwon….” Hanbin whines.

“Baby..” He echoes with another laugh. “You’re gonna make me late if you don’t say it. I’m not leaving till you do.”

There’s more protesting and he can feel the outlines of Hanbin’s face as it tries to bury itself further into his chest. “Illmissyou.”

“What was that?”

Hanbin looks up at him then, all big doe eyes, long eyeslashes and static in his hair. “I’ll miss you.”

“You better.” He says with a relieved grin.

They don’t kiss for half as long as he wanted them to but it’s long enough for the phone to buzz in his pocket again.

“Ahh shit. I really have to go.”

Hanbin’s clinging onto him now, he can feel the slight panic and desperation in the way those fingers dig into his arm. He wonders if it’s wrong to want Hanbin to be like this all the time. It probably makes him a sadist or something but truthfully, nobody has ever needed him before and it’d be nice if that happened at least once in his life.

“Okay, well. I’ll message you when-”

“-I love you.”

It is so quiet against his own voice but he still hears it loud and clear.

Does he stop breathing? For a second? Or a minute. One of those. He’s not sure which one. The backpack is dropped to the ground and he holds that beautifully nervous face in his hands for so long that his phone buzzes in his pocket for a third time and he has the fleeting though that his Beatbox team should just go to Japan without him.

“Fuck, Hanbin.” He says in hushed disbelief. “Why did you have to say it right now? Worst timing ever. Shit, how am I supposed to leave?”

There’s the most sheepish of shrugs that makes Hanbin look even smaller. Maybe small enough to fit into his backpack.

“I really need to go but fuck, I’m gonna miss you so much. You have no idea. I haven’t even left and I miss you already. Wanna come with me? Please come with me?”

Hanbin laughs at his dramatics before leaning up to kiss him in that infuriatingly slow and sweet way that satisfies every empty part of his soul.

“Mmmmlove you.” He murmurs against those soft lips.

“I know.” Hanbin says with a smile before pushing him away gently. “Go to work. I’ll be here when you get back.”

He doesn’t bother hiding his sigh as he picks up his backpack. Every step outside their apartment door is harder than the one before it. He looks at Hanbin leaning against the doorframe in that old disneyland t-shirt, his hair is a mess, cheek flushed and there’s some kind of wistful bittersweet look on his face.

He loves him more than he loves his entire life.

It’s a crazy thought that he’d only read about or seen in movies, believing for all these years that they were unrealistic, impossible and overdramatic….until now.

“Don’t do anything stupid!” He shouts from down the corridor.

“Can’t anyway. My stupid is going to Japan!” Hanbin shouts back.

****

It’s weird.

Too many years spent on a diet of Linklater movies, Murakami books and songs about longing has got him expecting something that never comes. He expected to feel some big gaping hole when Jiwon left for the airport but he doesn’t.

Of course he misses him. He misses him a lot.

But that hollow melancholy that he felt when they broke up isn’t there. Which is good he supposes, he doesn’t want that feeling back. Ever.

It doesn’t really feel like Jiwon went anywhere though. He’s been gone for barely 20 minutes before the first of the texts come. It makes him smile like an idiot.

[did we pack snoopy?xj]

[Yeah we did. He’s in there. Don’t worry. hx]

He thought it’d end there until Jiwon lands in Japan but there’s another buzz of his phone after a few minutes.

[did we pack my passport?]

[YES omg]

[did we pack the killr bees]

[Yes. We packed everything you wanted. Stop asking me. Lol.]

[im bored.]

[Its been like 20 minutes.]

[Yeah I kno. Then we have to wt at the airprt]

[Your life is so hard. Poor baby.]

[Haha am I your baby now?]

[Idk, I have to check with my boyfriend]

[Wts he like]

[Better than you]

[wll thats rude]

[Talk to me when you have a record deal]

[its ok, gt my own bf. hes not as good as u tho]

[You can’t even pretend in texts?]

[haha nope. Can’t pretend like ur not the best]

[You need to get out more]

[nah, got u now. im nevr leavng]

It’s just a few words, full of typos, but it still makes his stomach drop.

[But what should we do about my boyfriend?]

[idk get a biggr bed haha]

[JIWON]

[WHAT]

[!!!]

[im kiddin! you gotta be crazy if u think im gonna share you]

[hey we’re here, hve to go. talk later.]

[love you baby xj]

[Have a safe flight. Love you too.xhx]

The smile doesn’t leave his face. Not for the entire time he makes dinner for himself. It’s only when he sits down at their table that he feels it, the hollow emptiness of the chair next to him, the off-balanced quietness of the apartment, the way there’s only one plate on the table. He looks at his phone but the screen is still black. He can’t even send a message, Jiwon would be in the middle of his flight.

The rest of the night isn’t much better. Even when he knows Jiwon has landed, there’s no texts. Maybe he was just busy.

He cleans up alone. Showers alone. Gets into an empty bed alone. And there’s still no message.

[Hey I’m going to bed now. Hope you’re okay over there. xh]

He doesn’t really sleep though. He can hear the traffic outside his window and it was always weirdly comforting to him, something to do with the mundaness of life continuing on regardless of how bad his day is. But it’s not working tonight, maybe it was only comforting listening to that sound when he had Jiwon’s warm body next to him.  

It’s 1:30am when his dark room lights up from a text on his phone.

[are u still awake]

[Yeah?]

He expects another text marathon but Jiwon ends up calling.

“Hi baby.” Jiwon’s voice sounds rough, exhausted and muffled, like half of his face is against a pillow. “You okay to talk?”

“Yeah.” He’s not sure why it makes him sad that Jiwon has to even ask.

“Sorry I didn’t message or call. Jin got pissed that I was on the phone so much and just took it. He wanted to pack all this stuff into our schedule before Christmas. We just got back from this dinner with a bunch of Japanese rappers. I’m never drinking again.”

He laughs to cover up his paranoia. “Yeah? Did you have a good time?”

Jiwon groans in pain. “I think there should be an age limit on alcohol.”

“There is.”

“It should be like, 30.”

He laughs for real this time. “What happened? Did you do something stupid?”

“No!”

“Didn’t dislocate any jaws today?”

“No, I did not.” Jiwon says bitterly. “We just did a few shots. I’m gonna be so hungover tomorrow and that’s when we’re meeting Doc.”

His ears perk up at that and a shiver runs down his spine. “Who?”

“Doc McKinney. That’s the producer they want to get for my album. Which isn’t even half written by the way, I don’t get why they’re-”

“Wait. Doc McKinney? The american producer?”

“Yeah? You know him?”

“YES.”

“Tablo met him at some company event last month. Thank god he can speak English. They think it’ll be good promo to have a big shot producer on my album but why the hell would he want to work with a no name?” Jiwon laughs then. “Imagine what’s going on in his head. From the Weeknd to me. What a joke.”

“It’s not a joke.” He says firmly. “You’re good on your own but if you got him on your debut Jiwon….that would be crazy.”

“Yeah I know. I’m not gonna put much into it though. We got Tablo, that’s enough.”

Out of the two of them, he doesn’t know how he ended up being the more ambitious one when all the talent was with Jiwon.

“Still try though, right? You never know where it’ll go. It’s always good to make some contacts in the music business. He might be handy when you get into the US market.”

Jiwon snorts down the phone line. “US market? Are you tripping? I’m not even in the Korean market.”

“You should aim high.” He says, smiling at the dark ceiling. “You have the talent and personality for it.”

“I love talking to you. My ego grows like three sizes bigger every time.”

“Good.”

“Hey you know what else grows three sizes bigger?”

He groans at Jiwon’s lame line. “Seriously? That’s how you’re going to change the topic?”

“Yep. That’s how I’m gonna do it.” Jiwon says, words getting more and more slurred. “What are you wearing?”

“Wait. Do you have your own room?”

There’s a bark of laughter down the line. “Yeah, I do. I’m not that much of freak Hanbin. I’m not you.”

He goes red, even though nobody can see him. “I have never done it in a room full of other people! What are you talking about?!”

“I mean, you like it when you think you might get caught.”

He stays silent, trying to think of an answer that doesn’t self-sabotage or reveal any of his other kinks.

“Am I right?” Jiwon asks with a chuckle. “I am, aren’t I? You are so loud. Remember that time in the carpark? I get so hard whenever I think about it.”

Of course he remembers that night. He remembers it so vividly that he can still smell the sweat on Jiwon’s skin, the hunger in his eyes and the way he always comes with that deep growl.

“Baby? You still there?”

His hand was already wandering down between his legs. “Yeah, I’m still here. I’m just….”

“…thinking about it?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. What are you wearing?”

“Puppy pyjamas?”

Jiwon groans. “Why do you have to be so fucking cute at a time like this?!”

“You asked! What are you wearing?”

“Snoopy.”

He laughs. “Well, why do you have to be so fucking cute too?”

“Snoopy smells like you.”

His hand stops in its track. His stomach does that nervous flip again.

“Jiwon….”

“Yeah yeah, I know. I’m supposed to be nasty and talk about how much I want to fuck you right now. But here I am telling you that I took your stupid t-shirt to Japan just so I can pretend I’m sleeping with you. Fuck!” Jiwon laughs at his own ridiculousness. “I can’t even do phone sex right.”

He waits until his breathing sounds normal again. “I….really want to fly over there. Like, right now.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Miss me?”

“Yeah, I really do. It sucks being in this bed without you.”

“Well, it sucks being in another country without you. God, how lame are we? It hasn’t even been 24 hours.” Jiwon says in exhaustion before yawning. “My body is so confused right now.”

“What do you mean?”

“It doesn’t know if it’s awake or asleep. I’m half hard but half not. I really need to come but I’m too tired. And I miss you, so I’m sad, but I’m talking to you right now, so I’m kinda not.”

“You’re a mess.” He says with a chuckle, wanting to reach through the phone line to pull Jiwon into their bed. “What you need is sleep. Big day tomorrow.”

“I can’t sleep though! My dick is waiting for me to do something.”

“Well, what do you want me to do about it?”

“I don’t know? Do it with me?”

He kicks his blankets off and throws the puppy pyjamas on the ground. He knew this was coming. “Take your pants off. And Snoopy too.”

“….Okay.”

He waits for the rustling on the other end to stop before talking again.

“I want to hear you touching yourself. Can you do that? I want to hear all those noises you make.”

“Fuck…..you sound so hot talking like this.” Jiwon says. “I’m so hard right now.”

“Good. What are you thinking about?”

“What your mouth feels like. I wish it was here with me.”

“Just my mouth?” He laughs. ‘What would you do with the rest of me?”

There’s a soft muffled sound, like Jiwon was rolling over in bed. “Mmm, no. I wanna hear what you wanna do.”

He’s stroking himself with a faster rhythm now and as much as the words always make him cringe, he’s so turned on and out of his mind that it’s like someone else just took over.

“I kind of…..want you to fuck me backstage after one of your shows.”

There’s a deep moan through the phone’s static. “Keep going, babe.”

“Sometimes I watch you on stage and you’re so sweaty and aggressive. I always wanted to pull you behind the curtains and lick all that sweat off you.”

“Mmmhmm. Then what?”

“Then you’d push me on the ground and I’d complain that my knees hurt. But you wouldn’t care. You’d hold my jaw and make me open my mouth just so you can fuck into it until I’m gagging and begging you to stop.”

“Keep going keep going….I’m so close…”

His hand is so wet now and he can hear Jiwon’s erratic breathing through the phone.

“I wouldn’t want you to stop though. I want it to hurt. I want to taste you when you cum in my mouth and when you’re done, I want you to fuck me and fill me up so much that it drips down my legs…”

There’s a strained ‘fuck!’ through the phone line followed by that familiar raspy growl and whispers of his name. His own head is full of flashbacks of that night in the carpark, he remembers Jiwon’s eyes as he pushed in, so deep and slow that the stretch made him want to scream. It was an overwhelming mix of desperation, aggression and possession. It’s that memory that makes him close his eyes now and cum all over his hand with a drawn out moan.

There’s a few seconds of silence where all he can hear is their breathing but suddenly Jiwon starts laughing.

“What?!”

“Nothing nothing. I was just thinking of how much trouble you’re gonna be in when I come home.”

He smiles in the darkness, sweaty and aching everywhere. How the hell are they going to handle three days apart?

Soundtrack: July - Kris

[thisisanude]

like i feel like ppl are like why the fuck do you drink but wont do drugs like weed is much less bad than alcohol but i feel like if i did drugs literally once id get instantly addicted cuz like with alcohol i literally think about it SO MUCH like every second of every day i just want to be drunk i dont want to be sober even the 2nd to last time i was drunk and crying and my bf was telling me to go to sleep and i was bawling because i didnt want to go to sleep because then id wake up sober and i really didnt wanna wake up sober i really cried about that for like half an hour and like with alcohol there are many negatives (duh) but like not the same as with drugs like with drugs you get withdrawal symptoms when youre not on it but with alcohol you not only get a hangover after each time you do it but ALSO WHILE youre doing it like literally every time im drunk i get so so nauseous and its horrible and i throw up and its painful and then if its really that drunk then i cant even smell alcohol containing things for the next couple of days because i instantly gag and like if i take a sip i throw up before im even able to get drunk and. that keeps me from just drinking every day ALSO the fact that you cant drive drunk. but literally everyone drives high (at least on weed) and theres no bad things that come with it unless you get greened out which most people do not and with other drugs its like even better unless u have a bad trip or something idk how it works but like theres no nausea or something like that that goes alongside with doing it that increases the more you do it (like if u do coke one day u wont be like gagging from the thought of coke the next day in fact u probably would be begging for it) so i feel like. i already have an addiction to sugar and food (or more lightly put an unhealthy relationship with it) and also im not addicted to alcohol but like. i never WANT to be sober if i could be drunk 24/7 with no repercussions i would be. so i feel like if i did drugs i would literally forget how to enjoy being sober not that i know how to now LOL but i feeel like tahts all id think about like ex. im not eating sugar rn and its all i think about; i literally get depressed because all i can think about is how much i just want to be eating sugar rn and always; i cant imagine a life without sugar; the only reason im relatively ok with not eating it now is because its temporary and if i was told i could never have it again i would SERIOUSLY lose the will to live. so with drugs i feel like if i was like “oh ill only try this once!” then like after that ill just be sad that ill never be able to experience that again and thatd decrease the quality of my life even more. and if i chose to do it more than once then id be counting down the days until the next time i do it and being miserable and literally just thinking about it and looking forward to it and thats it that would stifle my life

[323398149]

Ayesha called me stupid again. She said stop being stupid, why are you so stupid

Then my brother came upstairs and they called each other stupid

Then ayesha said she's never going to speak to me again and has lost all respect for me

Then my parents came upstairs and said that I was ungrateful

So yeah and Joe's gone so I just have to sit here and somehow survive tmr on my own. And then survive the next few years or however long until I can leave. I need to leave as soon as possible.

But I'm apparently crazy so where do I go? I need to be kept away from people because people don't like me. But then I get sad but I guess idk like what other option is there? I obvs can't kms so idk what the plan is. Where do I go? What do i do? How do i stop everybody from being upset with me? Do I speak or not speak? When do I speak if I do? What do I say? I have no idea. I always do it wrong. I'm so stupid. Lol I guess she's right, I am stupid. Last time she called me a dumb retarded bitch because I forgot about a task I was supposed to do. Today she called me stupid because I couldn't read and listen at the same time. Those are things I've struggled with my whole life. And I used to hate myself for them. Then I learned to stop being so angry with myself and just accept them as my shortcomings, and embrace them as part of life. But when capstone failed it just made me so upset. Because they're major deficiencies. Im not competent. Maybe my dad was right. I never should have bothered with university. Maybe college was where I belonged. I should kms lollllll like gah nobody likes me in the entire world. I'm an arrogant shit. I'm literally a nuisance once people take a closer look. They like me at first but starting with uber, they've all ended up hating my guts. Like so deeply disliking me. I try to keep my mouth shut and say and do and be the right thing but it's not good enough. I feel like they perceive me as rude and inconsiderate and generally awful. I just don't understand if I'm dumb or not. Sometimes I feel everybody stuck and it drives me to push through and figure the thing out but at other times everybody is doing something supposedly simple and easy but I just can't grasp it. I'm idkm idk what's wrong with me. So yeah I guess my point would be that I had convinced myself that it was okay to have these deficiencies and still love myself but now I'm going back on that and having to relearn hating myself for this stuff because idk because the embracing it stuff is not fixing anything externally. Like I felt better on the inside a little while but now the outside environment is coming in and I'm getting hit with it anyways. So it was a temporary solution that gave relief for 2-3 years but I've gotta figure out a proper solution now. Uber said he had never met someone so confused and scattered or something like that. The meds help with the scattered part but I guess not enough. Like it helps enough to make me feel better but i guess that's not good enough for the people around me. They still don't like it. So idk what the plan is. I just wish i could disappear and not exist but that's not an option so I'm going to read that dale Carnegie book again. I wish i could just be better. I wish my brain could be fixed. I'm sorry for existing and taking up so much space and energy. I wish I could go away and take my shitty away from people but idek how to do that or where to go. I don't know anything i guess. I am stupid and incompetent and useless and miserable and ugly too apparently lol and obviously extremely awkward and weird and apparently I make people feel uncomfortable. Gah why can't someone just get rid of me.

I think I figured if out okay so what if the solution to becoming smarter is to read? And that also gives me a place to go that isn't here. I mean that used to work when I was little, right? Idk what else. I would need a job to move out. Even then where would I go? I'm stupid and incompetent and useless.

See also a big reflection is that I'm no longer looking and waiting for the person who is not gonna be upset with the scattered. I used to think eventually I'd meet someone that loved me and didn't feel upset with my brain. But after this semester I don't really think they exist. It was make believe. That was like a unicorn. Someone like that isn't actually out there. They're not real. It was my imagination. So if I am gonna try and blend in and do life like everybody else and get a job and get married and have kids and all the stuff I need to learn to act and disguise the confusion. I need to sort through it as quickly as possible. I need to have game plans and tactics and systems to figure out what to say and how to behave more efficiently. I gotta figure it out cause otherwise idek idek what happens if I don't figure it out. Maybe someone will just get so annoyed with me that they'd just hurt me, i wouldn't be surprised if i just accidentally pissed someone off that bad. Because i accidentally do it for little things all the time. How do i just listen? And respond? Gaaaaaaaah so annoying I h8 myself

[acabloe]

Soon Goodbye, Now Love: chapter six

new ppl who r just seeing this it’s a guardian angel A/U

find all the parts here ☟

Ao3   ff.net

tw’s: swearing, mentions of depression and anxiety, loss of memory

still based on this song lol

here is the moodboard for ambience purposes if you’re that kind of kid

a/n: its been very long yada yada please just tell me if you want the next chapter because im stuck in au land, if you would prefer a Jane Austin au literally ill drop everything 

once the lights go out

Higher City, Angel Habitat/Complex - 2:45 AM

Half an hour post-transportation and five hours after Chloe’s accident.

Beca stumbled on her footing as she grasped around the edge of the doorframe, looking for a switch or a pull to shed light into the pitch-black space that expanded beyond the doors of her residence for the next who-knew-how-long.

Her neck whined in an aggravating crick from sitting hunched over Chloe’s bedside for so long and her mind was mushed from the weight of stress, overtiredness, excessive adrenaline usage and above all else, of course--grief. The only thing keeping her from collapsing on the ground in the doorway of this small concrete hallway and weeping herself to sleep was the sentence she continued to recite to herself repetitively under her breath: “Chloe’s alive, everyone’s safe, you’ll be okay.”

She far from even entertained the possibility that the last part was rest assured, but the act of mouthing it repetitively had a numbing effect on her currently fragile mental stamina.

After fumbling for a few seconds, she huffed in exasperation and gave up trying to find a switch. Sleep was the only thing she had the brains to carry out. Deliberation over everything else that had transpired in the past four hours would be performed when her brain was a just little further away from falling apart.

The man at the front desk of the grey building had given her a small but heavy and lumpy grey drawstring rucksack before dropping her off alone in the dingy hall of her new quarters. She set it down by her feet now, using it to prop open the thick black door to let as much light into the room as possible.

Hands outstretched, she shuffled inside and waited until her eyes adapted to the murky black interior. It took a few seconds but eventually the slight outlines of shapes faded into view and she finally spotted what she assumed was a thin standing-lamp in the corner. She stepped blindly towards it and jumped backwards a little when it suddenly flickered on, sensing her hand in the air a few inches before it.

The space was little more than a closet. Beca had little mind to care, too exhausted to be grumpy. Besides, it was pretty comfortable considering her own size. The walls and ceiling were simply white-washed cement and there was a foot by foot square to serve as a window at the farthest wall from the door, though it had little to no effect at this time of the night. She wondered briefly about the concept of daylight here and if there even was sun or moonlight. The sparse furniture was a bed, an old wooden sea-trunk, and a tiny porcelain sink in the corner. Beca placed her rucksack in the trunk and sank onto the stiff but not wholly uncomfortable pallet, lacking any sufficient drive in her to take anything off, including her shoes, or even get under the soft linen sheets. Her eyes fell shut and the relief of deep sleep ebbed impending in her mind’s eye.

Yet her head pounded and her heart still fluttered at a sickening pace under her ribs. She found it increasingly difficult to keep her eyes closed; the image of Chloe, pale and fragile in such a battered state after the accident, had etched itself clearly behind her eyelids. Her breathing was difficult to regulate (she was unsure if this was due to her thinking so deeply on the act of regulating it, or an actual physical anxious reaction) and the room was uncomfortably cold.

She brought her knees to her chest and hugged them tightly. Everything was gone. Everything she and those she loved had worked so hard to build from so little was over and erased without trace. She had trudged heavily from wholly miserable to the happiest she had ever been without ease and certainly not in good time. All of that happiness. Up and gone like passing something eye-catching for its possible beauty in the sand on the beach, but upon running back to find it, its existence is nothing more than imagined.

A distinct memory faded into view. It was more of a moving image (a gif, so to speak) than a memory, but she could hear distant and muffled voices as if she were standing outside the door of a closed cinema to a movie she wasn’t familiar with.

The image was of her and Chloe in their late teens resting under a filter of broken apricot sunset through a canopy of birch leaves shimmering above their heads. Chloe’s head rested on Beca’s shoulder as she ripped up the grass beneath her, spreading it over Beca’s legs like dirty confetti.

She didn’t remember the scene as such. She only knew that it felt real. And that it ached her chest and throat and burned her eyes with the threat of tears.

Now she could no longer withhold the prickling tears and shuddering sobs and resolved that if tiring herself out would be the only route she would be able to take towards a somewhat restful night, she would charge down its’ course at a thousand miles per hour, foot stomped on the gas pedal.

She stretched and bided in the memory as deeply as she could.

Her sobs reverberated softly in the small stone room.

Underneath this, a soft irregular ticking noise sounded from above and outside her window. She ignored it. As it got louder she recognized it to be rain, heavy and sheeted. This prodded her curiosity just enough; still shaking, she stood from the bed and wobbled over to the hand-sized window. Sure enough, though it was dark outside, blue light from a nearby pathway lamp lit up tiny cascading waterfalls down the thick pane.

“How fucking ironic,” she whispered.

-

Chloe called in sick the next day to work. She wasn’t positive why, she simply knew that the exasperation of her most mundane course of existence would eventually wear whatever mere being she had left into the shell of a personality akin to that of a tired old cat.

The events of the past two days had stirred in her a sort of awakening for what it felt like to experience happenstances outside of her citadel of repetitive routine and emotional hibernation. Though it was not the most merry or enjoyable topics to mull over, she found herself wrapped in reflection often and began finding a need to force herself not to dwell on it so much as not to overthink to the point of obsession.

The urge to constantly check in on her odd rescue-project was difficult to quash but necessary. Chloe reminded herself that her relationship was barely visible with this human being--all she had done was let her stay the night and drive her into the city. They had barely even conversed. Still, the event had shaken her, and she had little else to think about. She convinced herself to only inquire into Beca’s situation in two days time when she was sure Beca had become a little more settled. She was confident that Flo was good hands and that she would care for her guest appropriately, especially since now she would be living above the cafe.

Except that Chloe found a bracelet resting on the coffee table by her couch that wasn’t hers. So she kind of had to go back to the cafe. Kind of.

-

It had taken the entire remainder of the day and most of the next to finally situate Beca into a somewhat habitable situation. After Chloe had left, Flo closed up early and she and her new employee spent several hours behind the counter and in the bakery as she showed her the ropes. Beca was happy to see how surprised and pleased Flo was at Beca’s natural agility and skill around the oven and the baked goods. Flo easily taught her to bake the four most popular pastries, specific to her family’s recipes, and how to make four of the simplest drinks on the menu to start out, as well as her way around the cash register. As the day came to a close, they left the cafe to rush their way through several more monotonous but still critical errands like setting up both a bank account and a small, temporary mobile phone. They stopped at Flo’s apartment a few doors down from the cafe before calling it a night and Flo piled Beca’s arms with enough food to last for a week or so. The following morning, Beca set out on her own to blunder her way through a T.J.Maxx and a shopping center to find some clothes that were--well, some clothes. Once she returned to the cafe they worked a little past 6:00 which came oddly fast (her orientation of time and its passing were still muddled and the work at Flo’s came naturally to her.)

Succeeding the whirlwind of toil they had conducted over the past two days, Flo expeditiously suggested that a trip downtown was in order and after twenty minutes of walking briskly through the chill of the celebratory evening, the pair dropped into two rotating stools in a colorfully-lit bar home to some very happy and boisterous company. It had been so long since Beca had had any alcohol, so she ordered the most obnoxious drink on the menu and four jello shots to split between them.

“So, first real day back! How are you feeling?”

Beca sipped her syrupy cocktail and grimaced at the unaccustomed flavor of alcohol.  

“I don’t know. Everything’s kinda’ blurry right now, but my brain is sort of slacking off a little in the staying-awake-during-the-regular-daytime department. The time difference is so much more insane than when you swap from different time zones on earth ‘cause there are an extra four hours of daytime and an extra two of night. There aren’t sunsets either, the sky just goes black for a while which is actually really depressing.”

“Wait, so, do you have, like, powers or anything? Can you fly? You don’t have a halo, right?” Beca again decided to refrain from divulging her distressing ordeal concerning her glowing appendages. She had blissfully forgotten about that situation until Flo had mentioned powers, which threw her in a temporary whirlpool of apprehensive unease.

“Not really, and no, I can’t fly. I mean, I can kinda’ tell when something is wrong with whoever I’m guarding, and I can slow down time by a couple of seconds, but that takes so much energy and I can only use it in emergencies. And you know about bringing the memories back, but that’s only if the memories have been taken away by heaven. They mostly spent time training us how to deal with any situation; so like, CPR, difficult-situation negotiation tactics, advanced martial arts and stuff.”

“Oh. That is boring.”

“Yeah, kind of.” Beca sipped her drink again which was less foul the second round, but still jarring.

“So how does this-” She gesticulated vaguely at Beca’s body which she understood as metaphorical- “work anyways?”

“Oh, well after you die, you can request to be a guardian and they put you through this huge crash course for protecting a human. After training you’re assigned one person to guard on earth for their whole life, starting whenever heaven thinks that person needs the most guidance. Sometimes that means bumping into them and becoming best friends with them or marrying and growing old with them. Sometimes you never even meet them in person, just help them from afar. You do what heaven dictates is best for them, so no complicated attachments. When they die, your memory is replaced in the mind of everyone you’ve ever met as someone else, so no one will recognize you when you go back to earth and you get sent back to heaven and reverted to the age you died to start with another assignment. You can never, um, retire or whatever, and apparently you can only stop once you’ve worn out your brain. And then they, you, know, cease you ‘cause you’re no good to them anymore.”

“Shit.” Flo had sat through staring at the dark brick wall behind the bar with a blank expression enunciating her contemplation of what Beca had revealed.

“‘Shit’ is right. I guess it sounds kind of cool when I describe it, but when I thought I was actually going to have to do it for, like, thousands of years, I was really fuckin’ bummed, dude.”

“Understandable. But you hacked the heaven system, how does that work?”

“Yeah, hacked, or something. I don’t even know if they’ll be able to tell. They’re supposed to be able to connect with their angels but I severed that attachment when I changed my assignment. I think they-” Flo brought Beca’s expatiations to an abrupt halt, holding up her palm to signify silence and raising her phone to her ear, an apologetic glance tossed in Beca’ direction.

“Chloe! Hi! What’s up?” Speak of the devil. Beca squirmed a little on her stool at the sound of Chloe’s voice on the other end. She couldn’t quite make out what she was saying, but she didn’t sound particularly troubled. Even so...

“Oh, okay. We’re at a bar downtown right now…uh huh. Yeah, she is all settled, we finished a few hours ago.”

Flo removed her phone from her ear and hid it under her chin to bring her attention to Beca. “She says she has a bracelet of yours?”

“Oh, um. I guess? I don’t really remember having one but-”

“She says it is not hers.”

“No, Flo, I said it might be.”

“Okay...it is hers. You can drop it off at the café. Anything else?”

Beca seized Flo’s phone from her grasp. “Will you give us a sec’ Chloe?” She placed it on mute.

“Hey! What?!” Flo scrambled and stretched, trying desperately to reclaim her confused friend on the other end of the line, but Beca held it out of her reach, exasperated.

“Flo, why are you being like this?!”

Flo sighed heavily off of an exaggerated voiced inhale and rested her hands on Beca’s arm. Beca grew uncomfortable with the sudden sincerity in her voice.

“Okay, listen. Beca, I know you did not come back for the Bellas. I know you just came back for Chloe. I think you really need some time to adjust on earth before you do anything rash. I don’t think you should be getting too close to her and I think that you are idealizing your situation. Por el amor de Dios, Chloe doesn’t even know who you are! You need to slow your ass down, girl! We have the Bella reunion soon. You can wait that long at least.”

Beca chewed on her lip thoughtfully. This was the first vocal confirmation of what she had been refraining from thinking over fully past the whispered voice of reason behind a closet door barely ajar in the very recesses of her mind. For the thousandth time that day she swallowed the reflection of how careless and hasty her actions had been.

Beca had never dwelled so long and hard over someone or something as she had over Chloe whilst in heaven. Only her mother’s death came as remotely close a subject to how ruthlessly Beca obsessed (Obsess - used very much in the dictionary sense; not lightly. See also; beset, consume, haunt, etc.) over Chloe and her accident. Considering this, a complete and detailed plan would definitely make sense in this context; however, obsession to this point considers little factual influence in a non-idealized, material world. Hence, Beca’s rash behavior and her reactions to Chloe in palpable physical situations.

“Okay... maybe you’re right. I guess I was really weighing everything on Chloe liking me for me, and not all the stuff we shared in the past, you know? Sorry about not saying anything about it, and I really am so happy to see you. I love you so much. All of you. Please don’t think I didn’t come back for you guys. You mean everything to me, we’re family. I just, you know... Please schedule the reunion soon?”

“Yes. Fine, I will.” Beca slowly retracted her arm and placed the phone in Flo’s expectant (but now softened and more sympathetic) outstretched palm. She unmuted the call.

“Hi, Chloe, sorry about that, drunk asshole was bothering us. You can bring the bracelet to the reunion. By the way, do we have some dates for that yet? Aubrey should be here this month, right? Yes. No, uh-huh. Okay great, perfect, text the group-chat about it? Okay, bye!” She hung up and grinned at Beca. “Two weeks, as long as everyone is free!”

“Ugh, dude what am I gonna’ do in the meantime?”

“Well, I know that you only came back for-,” Beca threw her a glare and Flo surrendered, hands in the air. “Sorry, right, a couple reasons, and it is all you have got your heart set on, but you need to take a few steps back. I have to say Beca, you really didn’t plan this very well. You need to establish a solid base here because this is your life now. You may be an angel, but if you think about it, I am, like, definitely a saint for doing all this for you.”

Beca flipped her off and returned to wincing down the copious amounts of fluid she had spent an annoying amount of cash on.

“For real though, you’re right. And I really... appreciate everything you’re doing for me Flo, it means a lot.” Flo smiled and nodded.

-

Perhaps if Chloe hadn’t felt so out of place, she would have asked Flo to let her join the girls at the bar. But for some reason, something about the phone call and the whole situation whispered a sense of exclusion -- well intentioned or not, she couldn’t tell. She hadn’t felt this socially anxious in a while. Her mental health was not even anything she had thought about in depth for a few years and she had long ago passively accepted the concept that with age came dampened emotions, and that such was a perfectly natural sequence. If nothing would ever give her real pleasure again, so be it.

Another walk. Another achingly familiar song. Another foot in front of the other. Another fifteen minutes later and she stood in front of a deep, deep dark pond, rocky banks powdered with grey-blue frost. The water reflected with the perfection of a mirror the nothingness of the ashy sky.

Chloe now stared into this nothingness -- the sort of staring where everything at once is what those who are staring can see, but they aren’t looking, just seeing and thinking. She stood, leaning slightly in a gentle trance as she remembered the time she had dived into this same water. She had choked and snorted through her nose as she had come up for air and swallowed some accidentally. A friend on the bank had been slumped over in hysterics at her fruitless efforts to cease wheezing and laughing and coughing and yelling at her friend to stop. In her mind she imagined that it was Beca who sat beside the water giggling at her. Stupid and weird that you’d think of her, she thought, but she couldn’t properly remember who it had really been, and the image of Beca fit comfortably well in the situation.

She closed her eyes and settled deeper into the memory, in place but outside of time. In vein, she tried to remember who had actually been there to witness the moment. She couldn’t even remember when it had happened. This was not a memory she had thought about in...well, truthfully, she had completely forgotten about it since it had happened. The age of the memory prevented her from remembering details. Only present, was the sweet feeling of the moment, a honey-like residue, resting delicately in her conscious.

She was now fully trying to convince herself, however, that Beca had not been there. She finally shook her head as if to dislodge the memory and sharply inhaled cold air, opening her eyes to see, hunched over on the side of the banks with chin rested on knees, none other than the subject of her specious nostalgia. Chloe blinked several times and recognized the figure to be but a log, dark and rubbed to clump from weather and wear. Now freaking herself out she rose swiftly and promptly speed walked for her home, holding herself firmly from looking around for fear of misreading another inanimate object.

She wasn’t there, obviously she wasn’t there. Just someone who reminds me of her, or looks like her. Obviously.

[doyueng]

Lucky Star

Word Count: ~1800

Pairing: Sehun/Reader

Notes: ceo! au // strong language

don’t cry tonight after the darkness passes, baby don’t cry tonight it’ll become as if it never happened

You stumble out of the bar, dragging your heels and bag behind you. Your disheveled hair reeks of vodka and mixed cocktails, the smell making you gag every second. It’s 2am on a Tuesday night, and you’re wasted on the empty streets, jobless and abandoned.

The alcohol-suppressed memories dance around your hazy mind, and any recollection of the atrocity that happened this afternoon makes you sick. You wobble through the dark, empty path only lit by a flickering yellow street lamp near the end. Somewhere down the line, your legs give in, and you collapse onto the cold graphite road, making your exposed thighs shiver. You wince and groan, pulling yourself onto the wall of a nearby store, which closed hours ago.

“Just my fucking luck,” you curse at your phone, whose screen remain lifeless. You throw your head back onto the wall and stare at the swirling buildings. How can someone lose everything in one night?

The world spins before your eyes, your head pounding and face burning. You immediately regret drinking this much again, and in all honestly, you just want everything to stop. This only adds onto your despair, and now you undeniably have hit rock bottom.

Your eyelids fail you, and drag you into a drunken slumber. At this point, all you want to do is sleep. For as long as possible.

A lone black car makes an abrupt stop right on the side of the road. The tinted passenger window rolls down slowly, and the man peers at your pitiful state. He pushes up his thin black-rimmed glasses before letting out a small sigh.

“One second. I’ll be back,” he addresses the driver.

“Yes, sir.”

He steps out of the shiny car, which looks more expensive than everything you own and all the money you’ve ever earned in your life, combined. His suit is tailored perfectly to his broad proportions, and his hair is smoothly slicked back.

He looms over your sleeping figure. “Hey. Clumsy girl. Why are you sleeping here?” The pungent smell of alcohol float towards him, causing him to hold his nose shut. He grimaces for a good minute before looking back at you. “For the love of God…”

He kneels down next to you, creasing his dress shoes, and picks up your limp body with ease. Your face rests his strong chest and your heels clatter down to the ground as he lifts you up. The chauffeur rushes out of the car, opening the back door for the two of you, and retrieves your fallen shoes.

“Hey. Wake up.” You hear a muffled voice calling out to you. “Come on, wake up.” The voice starts to become clearer, but you aren’t having any of it. You swim back into dreamland. “Y/N!” You feel your body shake slightly, and the sound of your name rings loud and clear.

You peel your eyes open slowly, frowning and groaning at your massive headache. A blurred figure sits before you, and it takes a while before your vision adjusts to the brightness.

Your eyes snap open and you pull back on instinct. “M-Mr. Oh?” you croak. Your hangover is now the least of your worries. The CEO of the company you used to work for up until yesterday is sitting on the side of the bed, which you can only assume to be his, and looking at you with tired eyes. It’s a bit of a shock seeing him out of his business attire, only wearing a white tee and gray sweatpants. Needless to say, he is still looking good with his plain clothes and glasses off.

“Ah, clumsy girl, are you finally conscious?” he waves his hand above you twice, before breaking into a relieved smile. You blink a few times, making sure this wasn’t some type of weird ass dream. “Oh. And before you start having dirty thoughts, my maids changed your clothes.” You peek under the covers, only to see a navy blue tee. “And for the record, you threw up all over my car.” He seems to cringe at the putrid memory.

You facepalm and want to immediately jump into a hole. “I-I’m sorry…” you mumble. Just the thought of it makes you red as a tomato. “D-did you-”

“Yes. I picked you up from the streets.” He stands up and walks to the door. “I’ll get you some water.” He whispers something through open door.

“Thank you,” you declare shyly, not knowing what else to say. You don’t know how you’ll ever pay him back, especially not at the state you’re in right now. He senses this, and sits back down on the bed.

“You can start by telling me what happened last night, clumsy girl,” he snickers. Ah. That nickname. You started working at the company about a year and a half ago. The very first day you met him, you dropped a whole stack of files in front of him, tripping over your own feet. Somehow, he still remember that event clearly, and of the few times he visits the company floors, he greets you with the nickname.

You pull the soft covers up to your eyes. “Stop calling me that,” you mutter.

He lets out a light chuckle. “What should I call you then? Y/N?” It takes you by surprise, and you’re about to ask how he knows your name, but then again you do work for him so…

“Yes, Mr. Oh, that’s perfect,” you state in the most professional tone, grinning slightly.

His face scrunches slightly. “Please just call me Sehun,” he grumbles. You smile under the covers at his childlike pout. He clears his throat once and repeats, “So about yesterday?”

His curious eyes makes it hard for you to dodge the question. It’s not easy sharing your sob story with someone you’ve never really spoken to, let alone the rich CEO of your ex-company. But considering that he is indeed your savior, you push your pride aside.

“My boyfriend dumped me,” you start. His eyebrow raises. “And no, I did not drink myself to a wreck because of that,” you clarify before he can form any prejudiced conclusions.

You continue with a heavy heart. “As you may or may not know, he’s the manager of the floor where I worked. I caught him cheating with his secretary during my shift. Unbelievable, right?” You scoff at the memory, feeling the anger well up again. “So naturally, I flipped out. Two years. Two whole years, Sehun. And he was fucking some other girl right under my nose.” He flinches a bit at the mention of his name.

“I cursed him out, and threw everything in my hands at his stupid face. And being the pathetic little bitch that he is, he fires me right after. I was so upset that I just stormed out, without another word. The rest… you probably know.” The room falls silent as your finish your story, and you’re too afraid to meet his gaze.

“He fired you…?” Sehun takes a while to take in everything, then his mood takes a turn.

“Y-yeah. It was my fault for getting so angry, I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn-”

“No, stop.” His thick brows furrow. “He had no right to do that. You’re one of the most hard working people there.”

You blink at his comment, half confused and half proud. “How do you know?”

“I actually stop by your floor a lot,” he confesses. “You’re always too immersed in your work to notice.” You blush a little. He takes his glasses from the light stand and slides them on, smoothing back his soft black locks in the process. His demeanor darkens. “Give me a minute.”

Your gaze follows as he steps into the hall, closing the door behind him. You hear indistinct voices outside, too low for you to make anything out. 

Taking this time alone, you relax a little on the bed as the headache comes and goes. The sheets on the other half of where you slept lay untouched, and no creases on the pillow either. On the far end of the huge room, there’s a sofa with a crumpled up blanket and dog pillow pet. A warm feeling fills your heart at his small gesture and cute taste in stuff animals. Sehun is the exact opposite of your asshole ex-boyfriend, who’s everything but a gentleman. At the thought of him, you’re dragged back into your miserable reality. Before you can mope, the door opens and Sehun comes back in.

“Where did you go?” you ask without thinking.

“Don’t worry about it,” he sings, heading into his walk-in closet. You yawn and sit up on the bed, trying to tame your frizzy hair with your hands.

Sehun peeks out from the closet, buttoning up his white dress shirt and slipping on his black pants over his boxers. You snap your head away too quickly, and almost die from the embarrassment. You hear a light laugh and the buckling of a belt from behind.

“Hurry up and get ready,” he yells from the closet.

“Huh? For what?” You glance back with a confused pout, and thank that’s he’s fully dressed this time.

He points at you with his eyes. “You want to go to work looking like that?” You pause there, dumbfounded.

“Wo-work?” you gasp softly. Your eyes widen at him. “You didn’t.”

He smirks back, throwing on his suit jacket. “Who do you think I am?” He tugs at the collars and gives you a tough look, and you can’t help but laugh. He smiles at your expression. “Come on. I’ll drive you back to your place first.”

You rise from the covers, and his cotton shirt drapes above your knees. “W-what abou-”

“Don’t worry. You’ll never see him again,” he reassures. You do a mental fight pump and feel revived. You can’t believe it.

“Thank you so much… I can’t even express my gratitude right now,” you cower before him. “I don’t know how to thank you. I lost everything yesterday. And now I have it all, well what I wanted back at least.”

He leans forward, and whispers next to your ear. “And me.” 

He grins, seeing the distraught expression on your face. Your blush creeps up to your ears. Your mind spins, and it’s probably not because of your hangover.

Sehun pulls back, giving you an innocent smile. “As thanks, a coffee date would be a good start.”

A/N: this was suppose to be a <1,000 word drabble but i got a bit carried away. LOL i wrote this so quick i didn’t even realize it was way over woops… im a sucker for sehun (or anyone in exo tbh) in suits🙊🙊 thanks for reading!💕

[masterlist]

[primadonnatartuffe]

-- invincibleDetective [ID] began bothering primadonnaTartuffe [PT] at 14:26 --

ID: Hello, hello. Telephone ring.

PT: moshi moshi ryan desu.

ID: Well howdy there, lil lady. I don't suppose you're Ryan's answering AI.

PT: lmao sure. also im japanese for some reason.

ID: Pretty witty for an answering machine.

PT: pretty and witty... much like ryan herself amirite?

ID: The better to take her messages with.

ID: This is. A beautiful stranger.

PT: oh my... im highlighting this information. ryans weak for beautiful strangers.

PT: what kind of message can i relay for you beautiful stranger?

ID: Just ask if she's avaliable for the coffee we promised to meet up for.

ID: Donuts are included. With and without the holes.

PT: well i just so happen to have access to her schedule and it looks like she is good to go on that front.

PT: also highlighting the bit about holes. an important distinction.

PT: youll see her at the coffee can. ;)

ID: Important in the way I wouldn't dare mention when discussing donuts.

ID: Let her know I'm here already.

PT: shell be there momentarily~!

RYAN: *ryan pockets her comm as she enters the coffee can, peeking around until she spots jack. it's easy enough, he sticks out like a sore thumb. she ambles up behind him and plarps him right on the head, mussing with his hair.* here i am.

JACK: *Do not plarp. But also do. Jack accepts the muss of his hair, even if it sends his shades askew. All the more reason to pluck them off and tuck them into his shirt. Angles himself until he's facing her, grey eyes vacant but searching still.* Oh good.

JACK: Sometimes strangers get familiar. It happens.

RYAN: *stupid pretty grey eyes. at least she can stare and he won't know. she slips into a seat next to him.* i know how it is.

RYAN: who wouldnt wanna get familiar with all this? *gestures at self.*

RYAN: by the way im gesturing at my killer bod.

JACK: Might need to demonstrate a little better. Only so much left to the imagination. *makes himself snort and plucks a donut hole up from the cup. Offers it out to her and chews.* 'Nut hole?

RYAN: *grins and takes it* im always a sucker for a good nut.

RYAN: the hole kind or otherwise.

JACK: Take your pick. They're frosting filled. *Having too much straight-faced fun here. He should probably be stopped.*

RYAN: *SNRK* id have them no other way??? *nibbles a donut hole.*

RYAN: thinly veiled sexual innuendo aside... whats up?

JACK: Nothing much. Having some coffee. Having a donut. *munch munch* Spoke with Finn yesterday.

JACK: He was... a little bent out of shape.

RYAN: *frowns, pausing before she speaks again.* is he alright?

JACK: I think so. He wasn't at first. But he's alright. *sips him coffee.* Did you want to order something?

RYAN: huh? oh right. ill get something in a second.

RYAN: what was bugging him?

JACK: Something about... not feeling like he was fit to look after Sofia. *blinks and frowns, looking much like his more somber self.* He was ready to take her to the adoption agency.

RYAN: whaaaat? *frowns too* man come on finn.

RYAN: hes great with her.

RYAN: and its pretty obvious she makes him really happy too.

JACK: Whatever the case... it was also pretty obvious he needed to sit down and reevaluate what he was doing.

JACK: Good thing he did. *mutters* He would have had a lot of regrets, otherwise.

RYAN: yeah... thats a relief. *shakes her head.*

RYAN: poor finn... always going through something.

JACK: But he always makes it through. *offers her a smile* Have you talked with him lately?

RYAN: oh yeah. i was at his place the other day to meet sofia. *kinda zones out thinking about it.*

JACK: What did you think of little miss Helen of Troy? *sips again*

RYAN: *laughs at the nickname.* i fucking adore her.

JACK: Of course you do. It's all a part of the ploy.

RYAN: hey... i know all about that.

RYAN: im plotting to take her under my wing. who better to teach her how to weaponize her good looks than her cool aunt ryan?

JACK: Well. I would nominate cool Uncle Jack but I think I'll settle with teaching her poker.

RYAN: *snickers* thats an important skill too.

JACK: I daresay the two skills are interchangable.

RYAN: we oughta team up then. ;)

JACK: *Oblivious to the actual winks but hears it in her tone of voice.* Good thing I've got the best of both worlds. At least, I like to think I do.

JACK: Confidence is the true power in this world.

RYAN: agreed.

RYAN: for what its worth i still think youre pretty damn handsome.

RYAN: just a little disheveled. *snrk*

RYAN: but hey. same. not that you can tell.

JACK: The hair seems to be working better for you though. *reaches a hand out to feel* May I?

RYAN: go for it. *leans towards him, definitely not blushing.*

JACK: *gently paps his hand in the air around her hair. Nodding as he gets a visual for the style.* Looking good.

JACK: It must be the face frame.

RYAN: oh thanks. *grinning to herself.* i kinda miss my long hair though.

JACK: How long have you had it short for? *smiling too and withdraws his hand. Feeling for his coffee again.* Any special reason?

RYAN: ah hmm... *her tone changes a little, like it's not the most comfortable subject for some reason.* ive been keepin it short for a little less than a year?

RYAN: *shrugs* no particular reason except... maintaining all that hair was like WAY too much work for me at the time.

RYAN: actually i got kinda frustrated and just.

RYAN: chopped it off. there it go.

JACK: Kind of the inverted reasoning behind my own hairstyle choice. *Listens to the change in her tone.* At some point, I stopped caring.

RYAN: hey it works for you too. even if i wanna take a comb to it. *manages to smile again.*

JACK: You aren't the first one. I hear it drives my dad batshit. *returns her smile in kind* It's the small victories.

RYAN: *laughs about that.* aww i miss your dad. i should drop in on the fam sometime...

RYAN: reminds me tho. i talked to rory the other day. *nibbles another donut hole.*

JACK: He's back in town already? I heard he was on Earth... lucky rascal.

JACK: What did he say?

RYAN: heeee...

RYAN: was informing me that someone was looking for me.

RYAN: ...

RYAN: my ex girlfriend.

RYAN: kinda came as some shock to me cuz i thought she was through with my ass lol.

JACK: *raises his eyebrows* That does sound shocking.

JACK: And for Rory of all people to come across her. The chances?

RYAN: its fucking weird. haha.

RYAN: i guess she just wants to make sure i havent fallen off the wagon or whatever. which is cool. not really her problem but yeah. its cool.

JACK: Have you spoken with her?

RYAN: mmm... nooo...

JACK: *Ryan...* Are you going to?

RYAN: *DEEPEST SIGH OF ALL* yeah... i gotta.

RYAN: its just awkward!! we didnt leave each other on the best note.

RYAN: and im kind of exhausted from all this reconciling shit.

RYAN: ive barely even scratched the surface though. like ive still got this extensive list of people i need to see and shit i need to talk about. bluh.

JACK: Not that I'm one to push another on making those kinds of decisions. *hums* I just hope it works out for you... once you get around to it.

JACK: But I know it's difficult.

RYAN: i mean... to be fair its worked out pretty well for me so far even if its emotionally taxing.

RYAN: its just... scary too.

RYAN: taking that first step.

JACK: You deserve to. *says with a nod. Taps the lid of his coffee.* And if anything... here's to hoping your ex understands.

RYAN: yeah... *glances at him.* heres hoping.

JACK: *tilts his head, wondering.* Do you want to talk about her?

RYAN: *seems a little surprised by the question.* not really.

RYAN: ... okay kind of.

JACK: Maybe you can drop her a message. Without necessarily speaking, face to face.

RYAN: that could work.

RYAN: it might piss her off though if she came all the way to skaia.

RYAN: not that its super inconvenient but still.

RYAN: i dunno.

RYAN: shes really grouchy lol.

JACK: What I mean to say is... it can be a process. Building up to a face-to-face encounter.

RYAN: yeah... guess that could work. *takes a deep breath, trying to rationalize.*

JACK: *drums his fingers against the table* Grouchy, huh.

RYAN: haha yeah. real attitude problem.

RYAN: but she was always looking after my ass even if she had to make remarks all the time.

RYAN: i think ive got a thing for sass.

JACK: *finds himself smiling again* And her name? Don't think you mentioned it.

RYAN: *stop that smiling... illegal.* oh yeah.

RYAN: its nona.

JACK: I can't believe it... *appears astonished* Your celebrity couple name is Rynona.

RYAN: *snorts* catchy huh?

RYAN: but like i said... she got fed up with my bullshit.

JACK: Maybe she doesn't see it that way.

RYAN: haha maybe? i dunno how else she would though.

RYAN: i was making her miserable. *stares down at the table*

JACK: *Hesitates. Wondering how qualified he actually was to give her talk to her on this particular topic. It had to go either one of two ways. Hyper-qualified, or severely underqualified. Fuck.* What you were going through... wasn't you. The way your mind was.

JACK: All of that's happened already. It's done. What you're left with now is a perspective... but not facts. Or the whole truth.

JACK: Just remember... Nona has the other half of the experience.

RYAN: *looks up at him, brows knit as she listens. there's a lot of emotion bubbling up remembering her experiences, remembering all the damage she did, and there's something bittersweet hearing this kind of reassurance from jack. she hopes he believes those things about himself, too. he seems pretty well put together from her perspective, which makes it a little easier to put her restless thoughts to bed when they're usually so adamant to convince her that her own illnesses were all that she was.*

RYAN: *she reaches over to take his hand, giving it a squeeze. she can't help the sniffles coming on, but it's a blessing he can't see her watery blood shot eyes. very attractive.* when did you get so smart? geez.

RYAN: *exhales* thanks jackie.

JACK: *Some melancholy feeling spreads in his chest with the nickname. He hadn't heard it in a while and coupled with the gentle squeeze of her hand, the feeling twists in his heart like a corkscrew. Awful but thankfully, present.* I just...

JACK: Had to stop living like I was. Letting myself think how I was.

JACK: I'm not smarter. Just more aware of the poison.

RYAN: *smooths her thumb over his hand. she doesn't want to let go.* im really proud of you.

JACK: *the sad twists persist* That's my line.

RYAN: heheh... i just straight up plagiarized you.

RYAN: you deserve to hear it too.

JACK: *He exhales, doing away with the impulse to disagree.* ...Thank you.

JACK: But it's not my ex we were gabbing about.

RYAN: well?? i mean?? *TECHNICALLY... she snickers a little, but then reality hits her again when it occurs to her this might be a good time to segue into other things she needs to talk to people about... she should at least bring it up. put it on the table where they all can see it.*

RYAN: ... um.

RYAN: hey... on the note of... hashing things out with folks...

RYAN: ... now probably isnt the time and here probably isnt the place but... do you think we could??

RYAN: well.

RYAN: you know...

RYAN: urgh. *DEEP BREATH.* can we talk about what happened between us?

RYAN: sometime?

JACK: *He's blind, Ryan. Every place looks the same to Jack. But still he blinks, acutely aware of their hands still touching. He would glance down at them if he could.* Talk about it... *echoes, feeling the uncertainty creeping on him.*

JACK: We can talk. Any time.

RYAN: *WELL SHE'S NOT BLIND. nor is she blind to the unease. it's difficult for her too.* any time??? okay... cool.

RYAN: thats good to know.

JACK: *Unconsciously, he feels his hand withdrawing again.* Sorry. I was just...

JACK: Never completely sure what I would say.

RYAN: yeah i mean... me neither. *feels him pulling away and awkwardly retracts her hand as well.*

RYAN: i just thought it might be... helpful? maybe.

RYAN: it might be helpful for me.

RYAN: but i dont know about you.

RYAN: ... i know were okay but theres still a lot weighing on my mind.

RYAN: there are a lot of...

RYAN: ????

RYAN: feelings?

RYAN: in my feeling place.

RYAN: ... for fucks sake.

JACK: *Despite his hesitation, he does nod. Chuckling weakly.* Feelings in the feeling place. An accurate way to describe it.

JACK: In all honesty, I'm not much better than you about it.

RYAN: *laughs too, nervously.* cool. in that case maybe we can like... flounder through the conversation together.

JACK: Ideally, that's how I would execute the thing.

RYAN: alright so weve got a game plan.

JACK: More or less. *sighs, trying not to let some stray thoughts snag him into a loop of things.* But...

JACK: You know I don't hold anything against you. Right? *frowns into some distance* Everything that happened... came out of the circumstance.

JACK: The timing was bad... everything... but the feelings were bad.

RYAN: i-- *swallows, her expression softening.* yeah i know.

RYAN: like... i /know/ but i guess i still... worry about it.

JACK: Why? *eyes flicker to her as if he can really see her for a second. But the look dissolves away soon enough.*

RYAN: *plays with the donut hole cup, shrugging. she didn't notice him looking at her.* sometimes i worry that im... too much for people to handle.

RYAN: when you were already going through so much.

RYAN: like realistically i know it wasnt my fault? we both had our shit.

RYAN: but i still wish i couldve helped more. i didnt wanna drag you down i wanted-- to work through it with you. *rubs at her eyes with her palm.* i dont feel that way very often?? even now.

RYAN: its... probably dumb to dwell on it. im trying not to.

JACK: *closes his eyes, letting himself card through the blink of memories. Anything he could remember in the dull, dreary haze he lived in before.* It's not dumb to dwell on it. I broke up with us... feeling as if I was fulfilling the failure I had set us out for.

JACK: It was wrong to enter the relationship like that. But I wanted so fucking desperately to feel like I could have something for myself. But I was wrong.

JACK: I never felt like I deserved you. So us... the relationship... was lost long before I could even let myself have it.

JACK: That was my mistake.

JACK: Not yours.

RYAN: *it's a lot to process, and she's quiet while she does so. it hurts to know she really had been shut out from the beginning, but it makes sense, and she knows as much as she wanted to open up to him too, she didn't know how.*

RYAN: jack...

RYAN: i still-- *swallows down her own words. rephrases.*

RYAN: i miss you.

JACK: *There's a tightness in his throat, but Jack doesn't let it get in the way of what he's trying to say. If anything, he smiles. Weary for the world.* I miss... being able to make you laugh just by being around.

JACK: If I'm nothing else. I'd like to be that again.

RYAN: *catches a couple tears that manage to fall, a watery laugh tumbling out of her.* of course you can baby. you always were.

RYAN: nothing could change the fact that you just...

RYAN: make me really happy.

JACK: Then I'm glad. *Effortlessly it seems, he finds her hand again.* I don't need anything else.

RYAN: *tangles her hand up in his, holding them up to her cheek for something to rest against. she shuts her eyes, making no attempt to stop her tears now.* me too.

JACK: *It's easier to focus on the stream of her tears than the well threatening to press from his own. But he lets his hand linger.* I can't say for sure. But you're probably smudging your make-up.

RYAN: *giggles softly, huffing a relieved sigh.* i dont care.

JACK: Fine by me.

JACK: Can't exactly tell the difference.

RYAN: *nuzzles against his hand.* if anything it adds to the recovering burn out aesthetic i got going on right now. you know im always a slut for Aesthetic.

JACK: Hey. Same here. *uses the free hand to skirt the shades onto himself.*

RYAN: hahah fuck. we look like we came out of a quentin tarantino movie or some shit.

JACK: Now that's what I call aesthetic. *sits there a moment contemplating.* Hm.

JACK: I wonder.

JACK: Did you go on many dates besides Nona?

RYAN: dates? nah... not really.

RYAN: fucked around plenty before her but uh.

RYAN: even with her we just kinda fell into it.

JACK: Bad to the bone. *but he sounds admiring.* Can't say I had the same luck.

JACK: Must have been the summer of crocs.

RYAN: oh jesus.

RYAN: please tell me that phase has passed.

JACK: It's hard to say. I don't know what my shoes look like nowadays.

RYAN: then you wont notice when i banish them to the shadow realm.

JACK: Unfortunately not.

RYAN: a win win for everybody. *grins*

RYAN: poor jackie tho... hes overdue for a hot date.

JACK: I'm just one guy. Living in a dark sexually frustrated world.

JACK: Surprised I made it this far.

RYAN: you cant even see the sexy babes all around you?? i cant being to imagine how difficult that must be.

RYAN: especially when the sexiest babe of them all is right in front of you.

JACK: With a voice that can raise the dead. *nods knowingly* Among other things.

JACK: This is the part where you sensually whisper, "Yard sard."

RYAN: fuck.

RYAN: do i make your yard sard????

JACK: My yard is apeshit bananas sard.

JACK: Here let me just... *takes out his comm...*

RYAN: *peeps over his shoulder curiously.* ... oh my god.

RYAN: so youre putting out a personal ad now huh?

JACK: Just as I suspected. *places the comm right at her.* Nothing.

RYAN: *TYPING WITH HER OTHER HAND* wow what a bummer.

RYAN: *snrks againt jack's shoulder at him teasing finn. a national pass time.*

JACK: *Honestly.* Finn is a national treasure.

RYAN: love that boy.

JACK: Gotta.

RYAN: *softly singing milkshake now.*

JACK: *snickering at all his own stupid jokes. An excellent use of his time.*

RYAN: *aww. he's so cute when he's smiling and having a good time. it's so nice to see. don't mind her if she just keeps admiring him while leaned against him.*

JACK: There's that. *stows the comm away in his shirt pocket.* Remind me to try again later.

RYAN: you got it.

RYAN: ill just have to keep you company until you can a response.

RYAN: **get?? wtf are my typos today

JACK: The ultimate wingman.

RYAN: im actually a really shitty wingman as i tend to draw all the attention to myself so... sorry in advance.

JACK: Wow. *sounds bemused*

JACK: I can safely say I did not see that coming.

RYAN: do you feel betrayed?

JACK: Envious. But I'm sure it's a sight to behold.

RYAN: *snorts.* if its any consolation im not really interested in bringing all the boys and girls to my yard right now.

RYAN: (test)

JACK: (( test ))

RYAN: (YE)

JACK: Well...

JACK: As they say.

JACK: More milkshake for you.

RYAN: *smirks at him* do they say that?

JACK: They're pretty wise for their age, I hear.

RYAN: well its a good saying. this milkshake is too tasty to share with just anybody tbh.

JACK: Write this on the reviews. That Jack Crocker remembered it fondly.

RYAN: oh yeah im sure you did. living in that dark sexually frustrated world of yours.

RYAN: very fondly.

JACK: In my defense. I have nothing else to use for comparison.

RYAN: do you need anything else? ;)

JACK: An ice pack. *he's so smug*

RYAN: you need a full blown cold shower.

RYAN: you know you really are repressed. we opened up this whole evening with nut holes.

JACK: You could say...

JACK: ...

JACK: We've come full circle.

RYAN: ...

RYAN: god.

RYAN: dammit.

JACK: *lowkey knifecat.jpeg*

RYAN: *snickers...* hey did you have any other plans for today?

JACK: Nothing that can't be rearranged or postponed.

JACK: Why do you ask?

RYAN: i was wondering if i could walk you back to your place... and just hang out there for a while?

JACK: That sounds like a plan. *starts to rise out of his chair* I think Sage recently bought a remastered copy of One Hundred and One Dalmations.

JACK: Let's break that in for her.

RYAN: ooh i like the sound of that. *stands with him, looping their arms.*

JACK: *lets her take the lead* Then we can go for some Dominos. The pizza and the tabletop game.

RYAN: youre just full of great ideas. *smiles, absolutely content as she leads him out of the coffee shop and back to his place.*

[xxxapplecore]

its all about hatinf yourself a little less every day i was Good this year. i did good, better than most other years. i think i spent a lot of 2017 being not miserable even tho there is still a fat “L” on my forehead :)

first off i Got off aderall that stuff is fucked up. i thibk it afgravatef my symptoms. for example, spoken words in conversations were flying over my head and shit, and reading was so bad i had to reread sebtences cause id forget what was being said midway through. even simple sentences or short paragraphs i woud easily forget. Words werr just phonetixs, sounds and no meanings. the only reason why i was on it so long was.because i kept telling myself "yeah this is normal" That's pretty fucked up but now i know better

i have worked on myself esteem and self-image a little bit i don't hate myself as much as i did last year. i can stand to lpok in the mirror now, and when i look at myself im not absolutely totally disgusted at my own figure[............................................

then at work ive been doing good i think im not a bad employee.  i just like doing a good job. i dont worry about work other than needing to find a new job and that makes me anxious and scared i always get relly scared of doing different things even if i am familiar with them. i was thinking maybe i could learn to care of animals and work doing that or do construction which ive been wanting to try.

i have always thought the idea of best friends and calling a person your 'best friend's was dunb. the longest ive ever kept a close friend was like 3 years. i got really close with sonja this year her friendship was the first one i ever made in life outside of school. we are both very extremely lonely peopel =) LOL it makes me feel warm knowing there is another person who cares about me, and calls me their “best friend”, and that i have another person to care about other than myself. before i never really cared about a lot of my friends even if we spent a lot of time together. maybe ive matured some

2017 i was spposed to getbqck on track in school LOL  that shit writes itself. i aint going back there for a while i think not until i can surely focus on it and its not Art. i dont wanna go to school in las vegas

i want to learn to drive soon and get a car andkeepsaving money I need to draw again nothing has been more fulfilling to me than making half-decent drawings or at least ones that i think are half-decent. And thats some thing i havent done ib at least 2 years. make something that i think is good or just be good at something at all. all I've worried about this year was just trying to be happy9 with my self or get closer to the person i would like to become. it takes a lot more patience than i thought and i am always thinking about it... i just want to be happy. i will keep focusing on that

well bye i guess\

[bigbadconnivingbastard]

All of them :}}}}

WHY DO YOU HURT ME IN THIS WAY

Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now?

i dont know whether to get rid of certain people or not

Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone?

sometimes

If your significant other smoked pot, would you care?

eh. id disapprove but i wouldnt go off the rails

Do you find it easy to trust others?

no LOL

What were you doing at 11PM last night?

playing stardew valley on the xbox, i got an iridium bar be proud of me

You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you?

I AM 13

What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

i just get really pissed and cut off the person

Are you close with your dad?

yea

I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

...no

What are you listening to?

You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it?

Do you like hickeys?

i wouldnt know

What time do you go to bed?

it varies

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?

yeah😔

Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

no

Do you always answer your texts?

sometimes i get overwhelmed but yea i try

Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for?

iiiiiiiiii dont think so?

When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends?

todayayaya @quackbug

Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them?

@katmeeliaz no homo💖

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

...I DONT KNOW??

Is anyone else in the room with you?

im on my couch rn so yea my dad's in the living room

Do you believe what goes around comes around?

depends.

Were you happier four months ago than you are now?

no, i was pretty miserable

Is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

yes, but i dont know if they would care if i tried

In the past week, have you cried?

ive come close, but no

What colour is the shirt you are wearing?

bl00

Do people ever call you by your last name?

never. HAHA

Is anyone ignoring you right now?

oh for sure </3

Do you have a best friend?

@quackbug heyyyyyyy

Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

i cant even remember the last person i kissed so @katmeeliaz 💋 and no

Who was your last call/text message from?

bug sent me this and they were also my last call

Are you mad at anyone?

multiple

Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yea

How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

rainy gon be 14 wooooooo

How many more days until your birthday?

273. LMAO

Do you have any summer plans yet?

yea im goin to hawaii bitch

Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

julian n russell

Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now?

😐

Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?

i thought everyone did??

Have you ever regretted kissing someone?

yea

Do you think age matters in relationships?

depends on the mental age of both people, and whether or not its legal so i dont know

Are you available?

...i suppose? i dont know the context

How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended?

sits in middle school

If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get?

im a pussy i hate that stuff so i have no idea

Do you believe exes can be friends?

yea! although it depends on the terms you left on

Do you regret anything?

many things

Honestly, what’s on your mind right now?

my dumbass read that and my mind went "DICK" so now i gotta say dick i hate it here

Did you ever lose a best friend?

mhm

Was your last kiss a mistake?

nop

Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like?

i dont have one thats why

Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry?

heard, yes

Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed?

yes

What was the last thing you ate?

dowitos

Did you get any compliments today?

got called creative,, so yea

Where are you going on your next vacation?

not sure, we'll see

Do you own anything from other countries?

yea i have some stuff from ireland, im in the us

Are most of your friend guys or girls?

gals

Where have you lived most of your life?

i aint ANSWERIN THAT SHIT CUZ I STILL LIVE THERE

When was the last time you took a long drive?

god knows how long ago sweats

Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?

no and i dont think i ever will bc haha that shit scary

Have you ever TPd someone’s house?

ive watched and thought it was funny

Who do you text the most?

@katmeeliaz we have like 900 messages a day

What was the last movie you saw?

ffffffffuck uh I DONT REMEMBER OOPS

What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

my what now

How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?

i was deadass 3 years old

Is the last person you kissed younger than you?

cuz of our birthdays yea

Do you curse around your parents?

yeah LMAO

Are you happy with where you live?

oh yeah for sure i love it here

Picture of yourself?

i dont think ive ever seriously taken a picture of myself so have my bird

Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?

ive only been in one relationship so idk

Have you ever been dumped?

in a way

What do you most like about making out?

never kissed someone romantically irl before so shrug

Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?

i personally think that shit's gross i would wanna save that for someone special :(

When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?

iiiiiiiiiii do not remember

What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?

idk i guess eyes? i like eyes in multiple contexts

Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?

i believe it was bug i do not remember

Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?

😐

Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?

😐😐😐😐😐

What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face

im super weak to people telling me they look up to me n shit that makes my heart die

Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?

what fuckin 13-15 year old am i gonna know who has a kid

Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

yes and my response was hazbin hotel memes, we still talk about it cuz it was funny

Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

i dont ever really have crushes like i rlly think i might be aromantic

Do you miss your last sweetie?

as a friend? yea. as a partner? nop

Last time you slow danced with someone?

in a past life i guess

Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?

my friends' ocs yea

How can I win your heart?

i dont know myself well enough to say

What is your astrological sign?

fis- pisces

What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

still playin that stardew valley

Do you cook?

yea!

Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?

yeah LOL it was like 9 months of no talking and we just saw each other like ":0000 BRO IS THAT YOU"

If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

no, i dont need one to be happy

Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

cant say

What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

nice hands,,,u gotta have nice hands so i can hold em

Name four things that you wish you had!

i cant name four, but

i want this. like pls. can i just have this on my desk or something i want it im begging

Are you a player?

no

Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?

no?

Are you a tease?

yea :]] in a friendly way tho

Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?

not yet but someday i will go to ihop with @quackbug and get cupcake pancakes

Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

yea! its a nice feeling

Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?

@katmeeliaz platonically

Hugs or Kisses?

hugs..i havent been kissed enough to prefer em

Are you too shy to ask someone out?

i dont really ask people out anyways

The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

for some reason manly guys dont interest me i want a small sweetie that i can cuddl so i guess that i mean why u think he exist

Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

"bae/babe" makes me want to crumple into a ball so no

If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?

no because if they're being unfaithful to their partner i doubt they're very smart

Do you flirt a lot?

in a jokin way yea

Your last kiss?

@katmeeliaz platonically

Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?

no

Have you kissed anyone in the past month?

mhm

If you could kiss anyone who would it be?

Do you know who you’ll kiss next?

shrug

Does someone like you currently?

maybe, i wouldnt know

Do you currently have feelings for anyone?

nah

Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?

shrug again

Ever made out with just a friend?

virtually yeah but it was more of a joking thing HAHAH

Are you happier single or in a relationship?

a relationship is just a nice thing to add into your life, it wont bring you happiness, your life can be just as happy without someone if you live it correctly

[thatweirdmod]

Windowless Moviemaker Chapter 5: Onus

Windowless Moviemaker

Chapter 5: Onus

A few weeks have passed since I had that vivid dream, and today is Sunday.

I'm off from both work and school, and Kidney called me out for an afternoon stroll around the park, saying that he wanted to talk.

So, here we are now, walking under the shade of overhanging branches with birds chirping the day along.

"Jeeto," Kidney starts. "We've become people with very different priorities. Right now, I'm keeping my nose clean, and thinking about my family and future. Sounds responsible, but you know something? I haven't felt this free in ages."

I just keep walking beside him and listening with my head down, waiting for the punch.

"I burned the bag and clothes I wore on those nights. I wiped my hard drive of all the movies and destroyed the DVDs.

I dumped all my tools and supplies. Now the only relics tying me to that dark past now are my own memories... and you, Jeeto."

"So," I say plainly, "You wanna throw me away too."

Kidney opens his mouth to speak again, but I cut him off.

"It makes sense. I'm a liability to you now. Besides," I add, "we can't even pleasantly reminisce as friends anymore. All that'd do is drag you back to places you'd rather forget."

"You're right," Kidney agrees solemnly. "But there's another thing I need to tell you." He stops walking and turns to me, so I stop with him. Resolve burns in his gold hazel eyes.

"Stay away from Krin and my mother," he tells me in no uncertain terms.

I blink at him.

"I told Mitchol the same thing," Kidney continues. "If any of you touch them, you won't get away with it. That is a guarantee, even if I have to blow the roof off of your whole schtick and expose myself in the process."

I scoff aloud. "Heh, you're a big man now, ain't 'cha?"

Kidney narrows his eyes at me, his frown warning me.

I go on anyway. "From the day you backed out on the school roof, I knew we couldn't really be friends anymore. We had fallen out, but I tried to pretend that things were okay. And do you know why?" I ask.

He stares at me without wording a guess, hints of disgust and dread on his face.

"Because I thought it might come in handy to preserve our relationship. And it has. You see," I elaborate. "You've let me into your house a few times recently.

You were cautious, 'casually' hanging around the bathroom when I went to make sure I didn't snoop around, and walking me to the door when it was time to leave.

You always kept a careful eye on me-- except when we were playing video games in your closed bedroom. For there, I surely couldn't touch Krin.

But, that bedroom just so happens to be the place where you sleep with her."

His face pales as he helplessly waits for me to finish.

"You like to say you don't need a bitch to take care you, but you can't even clean that cluttered room of yours. It's no wonder you never noticed the mini camera hidden between all that junk."

“So you really...?” Kidney says breathlessly.

I laugh in satisfaction. "You're so good and gentle with Krin, little Kidney bean. So different from how you usually were with the women we'd take. She really must be 'something' to you."

My second fit of laughter gets cut short by Kidney grabbing me by the collar. "You son of bitch!" He yells, balling his fist to deck me.

"Hey, easy there." I say calmly. "You're in no position to be threatening me, or any of the other members."

We stay in a standoff for a while, until Kidney begrudgingly releases his grip on my shirt.

"Your willingness to throw yourself to the dogs in order to protect Krin was noble. However, now you see that if you expose us, we'll throw both of you to the dogs.

I probably don't have to explain this to you, but on top of the shame, stigma, and ostracization it brings, incest is illegal here.

If the videos I took got into the hands of law enforcement, it could mean jail time and criminal records for both you and Krin. How's that for 'family and future'?"

Kidney stumbles off the path and backs into a tree. He buries his face in his hands, groaning miserably.

I chuckle, watching him. After a while, he lowers his hands and looks up at me with quivering eyes.

"I'll kill you," he states. "I'll kill each and every one of you."

"Really? Good luck with that." I say nonchalantly. "A physical fight doesn't worry us, even on the off chance that your uncle Stoulfer stands with you.

We have Mitchol's friends, including Redhand Heriolt. It's an easy guess why they call him 'Redhand.'

"Before I kill you," Kidney says, unwavered. "I want to know: is it just my sister, or do you bastards want something else from me?"

"Mitchol and the others wanted you blackmailed for extra insurance. Since you wore a mask while filming, they weren't confident that the website videos would be enough to ensure your silence.

But me? I never fretted about that. The pursuit of a better life and the pursuit of justice are two opposite things in your case."

"So all you yourself really want is Krin, then?" Kidney asks.

"Bingo badaboomgo."

"Why?" He demands, shaking his head in frustration. "Why does it have to be her?"

"Oooohhh, are you dissing your own sister, Kidney?" I tease. "Come on, she's a beautiful girl."

"I know there's more to it than that." He insists. "Do you want to hurt me? Is that it? If so, then come here and hit me in my face like a man, instead of using my little sister to get at me!"

"Wow, look at what an assumption you've jumped to," I say airily, then resume my walk down the path.

"Come back here!" Kidney shouts after me.

I wave goodbye without bothering to look back.

"Just remember," he says. "I have something you don't. You're nothing but an empty coward. And that's what you'll always be, Jeeto."

I wrinkle my nose in disgust at the whole event. Since when did Kidney turn into such a shounen protagonist? To think we used to be friends.

Well anyway, I've got the rest of the day ahead of me, and there is some shopping I need to do.

Man, I feel like a woman, looking through items for self defense like this, but I pick up the pepper spray anyway.

Next I need to get some batteries for my new taser. I push my cart down the aisles, avoiding eye contact with shoppers in the other "lane."

Despite my cool demeanor, Kidney's claim that he would kill me concerned me. It seemed genuine. I could backtrack, apologizing and promising to leave him and Krin alone.

However, he knows me well enough to never believe me. I would pounce when he let his guard down, because that's the way I am.

Have you ever tried to catch an unfriendly animal? I have. With every step closer, the animal's decision making process grows more frantic. When I'm close, backing it into the corner, I can read in the fearful verdict in its eyes:

"The only way out of this is to do something extreme."

What follows is an action with all the force of the animal's existence behind it.

It can be a mad dash, where the animal takes a daunting risk, such as cutting close past the threat or jumping a wide gap. It could also be violently lashing out and tearing into the offender.

"Flight or fight." I muse to myself.

It's also worth noting that in the most pathetic of animals, there is no verdict in the eyes. There is only the fear at imminent death. Those are the ones that freeze.

I've backed Kidney into a corner and given him all terrible options. That's a risky thing to do with a person. In such an arrangement, the best you can hope for is to short circuit the person and cause them to shut down and submit.

Problem is, Kidney isn't one to freeze. This kind of iron maiden-esque situation doesn't foster, in flighters or fighters, the long-suffering complacency that's ideal for long-term control.

Hmm, I realize I need to revise my plan.

What am I getting self-defense stuff for? Do I intend to wait until he comes after me to do anything? Even if I fight him off, what then? Get him arrested for assault? Let him go home, so as not to push him over the edge?

Even though I have more nukes in this cold war, I may be in a standoff with a loose cannon. To what extremes would Kidney go?

Argghhh! This is such pain. That does it; I'll convene with Mitchol about what to do with our turncoat. I get my phone out and text him.

"Can you get Redhand Heriolt, Costriel, and Nethandre together for an online chat meeting with us tonight?"

When Mitchol doesn't respond, I decide finish up shopping. An hour passes and I'm at home, munching on a BLT at my computer.

A reply finally comes. I dive for my phone and confirm that it's him.

The message reads: "wat 4? and no."

I frown and text back: "It's about Kidney. He told me was gonna kill all of us. We should do something."

I use the time while Mitchol is typing to peer through my blinds. Whew. He's not there.

My phone buzzes again.

"lol XD. im busy so mayb nxt week"

I go back and forth with Mitchol, trying to get him to see how dangerous Kidney is right now. At the end of it, he says,

"lemme repeat. NO. just chill. we got K by da balls. ur bein such a lil bich jee"

"At least meet me during lunch at school tomorrow," I insist.

"fine"

I end up showing up early to school on Monday, and I'm antsy all throughout the morning. During math, I noticed that Kidney's desk was empty. What could he be absent for? He looked healthy enough yesterday.

As soon as the final bell to lunch rings, I rush out of class and charge up to the roof. I throw the door open, gasping. Fuck. Mitchol isn't here yet. I grind my teeth as I picture him dragging his feet on the way here.

I'm checking my watch every few seconds. Once 3 rage inducing minutes have passed, the roof door swings open. Kidney pulls a cigarette out of his pocket, leans against the fence, and lights up.

"Well?" He says, puffing smoke.

I can't tell whether it's the smoke or the words causing me to choke. I finally manage to speak in a very low voice.

"I've decided that we need to get Kidney off our backs, in a permanent kind of way."

"Huh? Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Mitchol inquires, straightening up.

"Yes."

He quirks his mouth in displeasure. "That's something I'd rather avoid doing. There's no blackmailing a dead guy into denying that he was the victim of a crime. If they were to get even a shred of evidence on us for murder..."

"That's why I wanna make it look like there was no crime in the first place."

"You mean stage an accident or a suicide?" Mitchol scoffs. "I know you're thinking Redhand will be able to work that out, but not on your life.

There'll be trained pros examining that body and scene. Their attention to detail is so crazy good it's like they've got magic eyes that show them every little mistake killers make."

"We'll just have to find out exactly what type of mistakes they are picking up on, and make sure we don't make them. Besides," I add, "you're acting like Redhand's never gotten away with this."

"Dumb luck and dumb cops." Mitchol dismisses me.

I sigh. "What about a disappearance then? We won't have to worry about any examiners with 'magic eyes' that way."

"More reasonable than your last pitch," Mitchol allows. "It gives the pigs less to work with. But, you've gotta be thorough. If anyone knows you've fallen out with Kidney, don't get anything suspicious in your recent purchase history.

Leave no sign of a struggle. Let 'em take it lightly, thinking he ran away. Get rid of the body. And I don't mean dump it into some water and hope it sinks.

I mean obliterate it. Feed it to dogs. Burn it to char and crush it, then sprinkle it in remote woods. That kinda thing."

I nod approvingly.

"But you know what the clincher is?" Mitchol says. "After you've done all you know to do, detectives still might find that little pesky thing you didn't. I'm just not convinced Kidney's enough of a threat to take that risk for."

"Well I am," I say in a biting tone.

"If you wanna dance the robot with the death row you can suit yourself." Mitchol says. "But I want nothing to do with it, you hear?"

A few days of anxious stagnancy pass, and now I'm at work, sourly stocking shelves.

The only way I knew how to contact Redhand without Mitchol's help was to leave comments on adesireisfulfilled, requesting that he email me. He's the 2nd high moderator, so it was likely he'd see them.

However, my comments kept getting deleted shortly after being made. When I didn't give up, I got sent a message saying:

"Recent comments posted by you have been removed by moderation. Continued harassment and spamming on the website will result in the suspension of your account."

I click my tongue as I arrange the SpaghettiOs. The convenience store is empty, so Roodle approaches and talks to me.

"Your friend Kidney hasn't stopped by for while."

"Oh," I respond, not sure what else can be said.

Her milky eyes analyze me. "Is he a touchy subject for you right now?" She asks with concern.

"We just can't get along anymore," I explain without explaining.

"Oh, I know how it can be with friends sometimes, but I don't know about that," Roodle says, well meaning but unknowing.

"I've found that if you just sit down and talk out your differences, you can get through most spats. The main thing is, you gotta be willin' to listen."

"It would be nice if that worked with Kidney. That way, he'd come back and start buying Creamtastical Bars everyday like he used to."

"Mm-hmm!" Roodle concurs with a big smile. "He was good business. So, consider it your job as part-time associate to get back to chummin' and get him back in our store."

It's harder to force than usual, but I smile back at her. "Thank you, Roodle." I say with just the right amount of sentimentality.

I know I've done it right when she gets that brief expression on her face. It's that mixture of melancholy and happiness, that gold plating of subtle, wholehearted seriousness that turns simple, wooden moments into small memories.

I've touched her heart, and deceived it seamlessly. What an ego booster.

I push the raw, predatory pleasure that I feel inside out through a mold, which makes it take shape on my face as a warm pleasure of gratitude and comradery.

Looking at her, however, I accidentally let an inappropriate bit of wonder creep onto my sweet face. Goodness, she actually cares about me.

Is there a difference between playing the role of a good person all the time, and actually being a good person?

Maybe the 1st category has to think deliberately to make moral choices, and it comes to the 2nd category naturally. I was sure that the 2nd group was a myth, until the face of this naive angel was unveiled to me.

And then, the glass doors part like servants for their king, and Kidney steps through. Roodle turns her head, and says, "Welcome back!" Then she winks at me and returns to the register.

He nods to her in greeting. My breath catches thickly in my throat when he turns and looks down at me, kneeling with canned goods in my hands.

Kidney's face is coldly blank, but his eyes hold a promise. I stare, unable to do anything else. He passes me, saying nothing, and goes to the back-- to the freezers.

He buys several types of ice cream, but leaves with the crinkle of a devil in his pocket that only I notice. Badump. Bump bump badump bump! My heart makes my body shake.

I go through the rest of my shift doing everything as diligently and thoroughly as I can, as if that will make it last longer.

As night draws closer, I curse Mitchol viciously in my mind. And if Redhand saw my comments and ignored me, fuck him too.

Adesireisfulfilled wouldn't be half of what it is now without me, and yet they're gonna stand by and let me be killed?

At last, the glass doors part for me, like a shield-wall of traitors. I poke my head out and look either way before stepping out onto the concrete.

There's no one around except the bugs buzzing around the dim streetlights. I begin walking, tense and snapping my head around at every new sound.

When my house appears before me, I almost don't believe it. When the relief starts to wash over me, I whirl around, thinking that's just how Kidney would want me to feel before he struck.

My voice comes out quieter and more rapidly than I mean for it to. "I know you're there," I say, feeling slightly crazy.

With wide eyes and sensilla lined ears, I examine all 360 degrees within my radius. Nothing? I retreat up my driveway walking backwards, only turning to open the door.

My shakiness must be visible, because my little sister Sota scoffs when she sees me. "What's up with you?"

"Nothing." I say firmly.

She shrugs. "Somehow, you seem even weirder than usual."

I tune out her words, instead choosing to observe her smooth legs and round bottom when she turns and jogs up the stairs in her green short shorts.

My mother comes around to greet me. "Sota has a point," she says, scrutinizing me. "Did something happen at work today?"

"No," I state. "I don't know what you guys are talking about."

I notice the weight that's melded into my hand. I'd forgotten about it until now. I thrust the grocery bag towards my mother. "Here. It's the stuff you asked for. Don't worry about paying me back."

"Well okay..." My mother says.

As soon as she takes the bag, I run up to my room and close the door behind me. I lean against it, gasping and trembling. Tears well in the corners of my eyes, and a small, sighing whimper is squeezed from my throat.

I've gotta get it together. I can't be acting like this.

I push off the door and make to collapse into my computer chair, but something on the floor in front of my closet catches my attention.

It's an empty syringe. Fuck. I thought I made sure to keep all my tools put away. Don't tell me I've been getting sloppy with things like this too.

I pick it up and open the closet to pull down the box and hide it where it belongs. A dark figure is in front of me. The gasp is cut off in my throat, my air blocked. A bitter sting stabs my neck, and I fall into darkness.

I peel my eyes open, unnaturally lethargic. The sight before me seems familiar-- a grey ceiling and white lights.

I roll my stiff neck down, and see Kidney sitting on the bed in front of me. I jump weakly, but find that I don't move at all.

Many ropes are snaked tightly around my body, binding me to a heavy chair. It's a terrible thing, being trapped in a hard chair with a sore ass, your future murderer in front of you.

"Can you hear me, Jeeto?" Kidney asks. His voice is calm like in my dream, but not pleasant.

I reluctantly respond in hoarse words. "I can hear you."

"You know what I said the other day."

I listen with baited breath.

"I spoke with an overheated head." Kidney says.

If this is a ploy to get me to open up, I'm afraid it's working.

"I've decided that whether or not that has to happen depends on you, Jeeto. To start, do other members have the videos you took of me and Krin?"

I open my mouth to reply, but he stops me to make a qualification.

"If you lie, I'll find out about it. You won't be leaving this bunker until I've confirmed the truth of every answer you give me."

"I understand," I rasp obediently. "I gave them to Mitchol, but I don't know if he gave them to anyone else."

"Do you wanna give a guess as to whether or not he did?"

I respond honestly. "He probably distributed them around his inner circle. Not only for safe keeping and power over you, but also because of the sheer drama of it.

Sex between a brother and sister is something his friends would naturally be curious to see."

Kidney's face twitches in anger. "Is that what you thought too, when you were spying on us?" He speaks in an acerbic, low tone. "Were we just some morbid, 1800s circus spectacle to your perverted, judging eyes?"

If I weren't in this position, I would laugh at Kidney's delusional umbrage about the way his incestuous relationship is viewed by others. "Of course that's what you were," I think, but I don't dare say it.

"I was intrigued," I say. Hopefully it comes across as honest, but not too insulting or patronizing. "I thought, 'So this is what was so precious to Kidney.'"

"Nevermind," Kidney says abruptly. "How do you usually contact Mitchol? Are you in communication with any of the other members? How do you talk to them?"

"I usually just text Mitchol, though if it's something long, I'll email him. I'm not in contact with any of the others."

Kidney pulls my phone out of his pocket. I instinctively bristle at seeing another person handling it.

"I appreciate that you've told me the truth," he says, sneering. "None of the members, save for Mitchol, are in your contacts list. Now, let me give you another chance to earn some more brownie points with me."

I peer at him through my brown bangs, wondering what shitty thing he's going to ask me to do.

"Tell me, what interests Mitchol? What could you say to him to get him to meet you in a secluded place at night?"

I think for a while, mumbling to myself, "Uhm... erm..."

Kidney slams his fist against the bed's head board. "Rack your fucking brain!"

"Um.. I could invite him out to go hunting. No... tell him I'd brought a top quality subject to the bunker. It'd be for business too, so it doesn't totally contradict what I said about us not being friends anymore."

"What kind of 'top quality subject'," Kidney inquires. "Does he have a girl he wants?"

"I remember him talking about one named Phoebe he takes English class with. She's kind of a loner, has long, reddish-brown hair, and works weekends at the arcade."

"Interesting. And if he asks how you got her, what would you say?"

"Mitchol's tailed her before, and he said she'll sometimes go out late. Phoebe likes to pick up fast food milkshakes and sip them on park benches at night, gazing up at the stars. So, I'd say I took her then."

Kidney nods tersely and makes to text Mitchol with my phone, but before he sends the message he asks once again, "You're sure he'll come for this?"

"Mitchol believes she's a virgin, and he told me he'd prefer to eat her before she "spoils."

With that, Kidney sends it off, and we wait.

Eventually, Mitchol responds. "He's mad," Kidney says, showing me the reply:

"DUMFUCK y wud u take my grl b4 i was rdy? now i gotta drive far or she'll b wasted."

"But, nicely done." Kidney finishes. He flips the phone closed and tosses it onto the bed. Then he takes something out of his pocket.

I squint at the object. "Is that...?"

"Oh this?" Kidney says. "I hope you don't mind that I borrowed your new taser. It was for me after all, wasn't it? But I guess I was supposed to be on the other side."

Shit. If Mitchol isn't careful...

"Anyway," Kidney says. "Since we're going to be waiting for awhile, we might as well chat to pass the time."

"That'd be fine, if your idea of chatting wasn't just more interrogation."

Kidney raises his eyebrows. "You're getting uppity with me now? Don't forget you're tied to a chair, completely at my mercy. All things considered, I'm being pretty nice to you."

"Hmph," I say. "Your niceties have only been performed out of necessity, necessity which ceased to exist the moment Mitchol agreed to come here."

I observe the furnishings of the room. "It appears I'm occupying the only un-tippable chair here. Guess I'll have to give up my seat once your guest arrives."

"Fine, so it's more interrogation, Kidney admits. "Just tell me this time, why did it have to be Krin? Why did you want her so badly?"

"Because you wanted her so badly." I confess. "You proudly hoarded Krin all to yourself, taunting me and barring me from pleasure."

I sigh. "You had a point the other day, you know. Because the way you insulted me before... it made me feel like I had to put you in your place."

"Yes," Kidney says gravely. "I never should've said so much." He lowers his head moves his lips silently. It looks like he's breathing a prayer or an apology.

He walks behind me, and then that acrid prick finds my neck again. I sink down under. A long and short while of nothing passes, until the oblivion begins to part again.

I open my eyes slowly, disorientated and sore. I find that I'm sitting on the floor, bound in ropes and propped up against a cold wall. I hear screams and curses, so I laboriously turn my head to see what's going on.

"Tell me!" Kidney yells, punching Mitchol in the face. He's really in my chair now, and I lived to see it.

When my eyes adjust more and focus on Kidney's face, I see that it's bloodied and bruised. Even with the taser, he had some trouble getting Mitchol.

Blood dribbles from Mitchol's mouth as he says, "Just calm down, man." He groans in pain. "Look, whatever you think I did, it's not what you think."

Kidney growls, but decides to leave it at that for now. "Jeeto," he says, pointing a red smeared finger at me. "You're awake. I'll get back to you in a minute."

He turns back to Mitchol, "Tell me who you gave the videos to."

"I already told you," Mitchol responds. "I didn't send 'em to anybody."

"Why not?" Kidney demands."I... I just didn't get around to it."

"Liar," Kidney hisses. He storms over to his bag and yanks out a leather whip. It snaps as he flails it out at Mitchol.

"Liar, liar, liar!" Kidney chants the word over and over again as he thrashes the shrieking young man's clothes and skin to ribbons.

Despite myself, I loose a boistrous laugh and heckle Mitchol. "I told ya so, aye?"

Mitchol's gritted teeth tremble as hot tears stream through the blood on his face. "Okay..." He mewls, almost inaudibly.

"Huh, what was that?" Kidney asks.

Mitchol bursts out in a fit of crying. "I said 'okay!' Man... shit. I thought you'd get madder if I told the truth *sniffle*, but I actually gave the vids of you and your sister to Costriel and Nethandre." Repressed whimpers rack his body.

Kidney's lips are tightly pursed, and his face is wrinkled in intense disgust as his eyes bear down on Mitchol. "Those two, they're your mutual friends with Redhand Heriolt."

"Ye-yeah," Mitchol says.

"So it's perfectly plausible, then," Kidney continues, "that Redhand has the videos as well."

Mitchol perks up a bit. "Look... I can set him up for you if that's what you want."

Kidney sneers. "As a matter of fact, that is what I want. And I want all the others too, so I'll offer you a deal, Mitchol.

You work with me to erase every copy of those videos, and help me take down everyone who has them. Then, I'll let you go."

"Really? Thank you!" Mitchol breathes.

"There is a prerequisite, though." Kidney says. "Swear on your life that you won't bother me or my family again after I free you."

"I swear, I swear." Mitchol says. "I won't bother you, your sister, or anybody ever again."

"Very good." Kidney says, then turns back to me. Once he's close, he kneels down and leans in so we're at eye level. My breaths shiver in and out as his gold-streaked eyes bore into my face.

"Listen to me." He says. "You might think this is going to end tonight, but it won't. You will watch and live as I take everything away from you that you took from me and Krin."

My eyes widen as I realize where I heard him say those words before.

"I will destroy the most precious thing to you-- your films. I will take your dignity. I will grind you into nothing, until you lose even your will to live."

My stomach turns. Kidney lips twist upwards wryly when he finishes repeating the curse from my nightmare. Chills crawl along my skin.

"How?" I ask with barely a voice.

"'Luna of Night, eyes of borrowed light, make my own so very bright. Sands sublime, recorder of the subterranean mind, with you, let me intertwine.'" He says.

"It's like what I said that night, when I was in bed..."

"A chant, it just came over you, didn't it?" Kidney says. "You don't know why, but you repeated words you'd never heard."

"I saw the cosmos, and then I saw you." I say.

"Just before I invited you to the park to talk that Sunday afternoon, Kidney says. "I was taken through space to Mother Moon as well. At some point, I scooped up a handful of her white sand.

In each grain was a dream, and I found yours. Once I saw the manifestation of your subconscious, of your malice and lust, I knew that I had to stop you somehow."

"Ahahaa..." I laugh just like I did in the dream, and Kidney tenses. "What the hell is going on?" I weakly ask both him and the universe.

"Maybe you'll find out once this is over." He answers.