#i was so ashamed living thru it lol

[naeviaas]

not me finishing superstore and crying, mostly because it did capture the stupidity you share with co-workers and the weird bonding over crappy customers and crappy corporate policies and crappy hours and missing holidays, and maybe it's because i worked retail for 10 years so i still have my favourite coworkers numbers in my phone from every place i ever worked, i was so so happy and relieved to get out but i never really reflected on that chapter of my life also closing.

[ii-zi]

This is gonna sound so extremely pathetic and sad but I met a dear friend today and hugged them and I was so startled by it like the height difference took me by surprise despite not forgetting about it but I have hugged only like my mom n my aunt (and just a couple inches taller than me) and a while ago my grandma for Quite A Long While so I literally lost practice regarding interacting with people 🧍 I cursed within earshot of their parents bc i kept forgetting I couldn't n I had to keep reminding myself to not lay down bc i wasn't at home n to speak to them n not only my sister n the fact that there were more ppl present..

[sabrina-valerie]

>Read a really good fic based on the Mario Movie wherein Kamek's got a bit of an issue with his reflection in a mirror (cw: internalized transphobia)

>Want to go comment on it because it was that good (and i'm working on a comment bingo card)

>Want to include a mention of that flavor text from one of the Mario Party games about how Kamek has a panic attack when he sees himself in a mirror

>Go look up the fact on the wiki so i can quote it in the comment

>Realize the flavor text is actually this:

>Get really embarrassed and delete half the comment

[pepprs]

uhm…. Despair. literally despair

[marsbotz]

hello I keep seeing u talk ab loving skybound but I'm curious as to why u love it, and would LOVE to read a super in-depth explanation bc im kinda a skybound notliker and ik uve changed my mind on certain thigns ab this show b4, and I was hoping u cld do it again !!! :DDD /gen

YEAH. OKAY !!! sorry this is super long and rambly i already had to rewrite it once cus tumblr ate it lol... and also sorry its all basically abt jay (running away embarrassed)

first of all let me say i do think skybound is a BAD season. having the characters suddenly all be sexist out of nowhere to drive plot is stupidddd and so is having a retcon ending that makes it all redundant except for Jaya Canon Now. i think thats mostly what makes the fandom not like it. BUT. i think its sooo interesting for like so many reasons also

i think s8 is considered the darkest season which is fair. but skybound also has a crazyyy amount of dark and DEEPLY interesting things it touches on. the ninja disappearing one by one. jays birth father being his favourite actor. jay torture. jaya actually being interesting!! lets talk abt these.

having the ninja slowly be cut out of the season is GREAT for not only building tension but also being able to more deeply build upon jay and nyas characters (and their relationship). the 22 min format means that some characters (like wu and kai) are gone for AGES. which is sad for kai fans but greatttt for the season. it rlly makes u feel their absence, and some of their disappearances are scary!! zane trying to outsmart nadakhan but realising too late hes been tricked... AHH!!!

if you compare this to how they did it in s12 its a lot more impactful as theres more time for the characters to... be gone. and the videogame nature rlly does take away a lot of the tension IMO. if jays mothers had been in prime empire like planned.... it would have been a GREAT parallel i think but as it is its just kind of odd. thats another convo tho lol (altho there issss the mention of jay being adopted at the end. very interesting [it goes nowhere])

i literally think abt jay adoption arc every god damn day of my life. ill try to explain this without getting too deep into my personal sicko hcs lol. first you get a rlly nice callback to s1 w jay being ashamed of his parents and living in a junkyard only to realise how litte he cares once theyre threatened. thennn you have the whole situation at cliffs house. jay finds out the man who abandoned him at birth (possibly? we dont know details) is the actor for fritz donnegan. the same character who jay imitated and aspired to be like. and then he realises his father felt the same admiration towards jay!! and they both never knew!!!

i think this twist is what makes a lot of jays behaviour in s6.... not excusable... but understandable. jay is shown to be insecure and have weird fucking ways of coping with this (lying. lying lying all the time) and so it kinda feels natural that his way of coping with this information would be to 1. hide the fact he made wishes 2. try to imitate his father through his book and 3. Never Speak Of This Again.

speaking of that lets talk about jay being tortured. can we talk about that?? they FUCKED him up. but the most important part out of allll of it is a character trait i rarely see ppl attribute to jay even though its like... pretty consistent for him. is his willpower!! hes able to endure days of torture to the point where he can barely walk and talk at the end of it just to stop nadakhan from gaining more power

nadakhan also directly points out jays insecurities and how they make him lie to his friends... and jays able to show some of his smarts thru trying to get flintlocke to stage a mutiny! honestly the whole episode is so damn interesting it makes me SEETHE its not more talked abt LOL

i wont get into my insanely complex jaya opinions rn but i will say s6 has one of the most interesting depictions of the ship to me. nya being reluctant to date jay due to being seen simply as his girlfriend is soooo interesting and fits well w her arc of not wanting to give up her own deal w sam x to become a ninja. its just a shame they had to retroactively make everyone misogynistic to do so lolol... and the ending w jays wish Potentially forcing them together is soooo odd and kinda goes what the rest of the season was setting up for them. THIS IS MAINLY why i think ppl hate this season. cus it sets up SOOO much cool stuff and then drops it all last second

i think the things that could have saved skybound from being so hated would be

1. do the same plotpoints w nya but dont drag the ninja AND DARETH into it ..... make them supportive of her!

2. makes jays final wish have some FUCKING consequence! you could do a LOT with how he worded it to twist it badly (im a nadakhan return truther for life)

3. not dropping every single intersting character trait ever. and also not dropping the GOD DAMN ADOPTION ARCCCCCC and also not revealing jay to be so crushingly insecure he physically cannot stop himself from lying to ppl and putting on a happy mask and then turn him into a one note comic relief character. [becoming a soulless husk]

LOL i realise this sounds now like i hate skybound I DONT i just think its very flawed. BUT thats whyyyy i love it... because its so interesting! its flawed in a way like "there is soooo much i cld do w this" and not like "i dont care about any of this its so bad". w ninjago my fav parts have always been the weird icky edgy parts that are almost too much for what it is... which is a childrens lego show. ik they cld never have done most of the interesting stuff i imagine coming out of skybound and thats ok! bc i get to think abt it evilly.

heres some assorted things i love and think are fun in skybound

kai and zane banter at the repo yard

ronin capturing the ninja!! specifically him shutting down zane from the inside is super scary and cool

NINJA IN PRISON!!!!! i almost threw up when they went to jail in crystallised its so fuckign fun. SKYBOUND 2!!!

zane playing chess against nadakahn. another scary zane moment

jay trusting only cole w the truth abt his wishes (HELL YES BROTHER)

clanceeeeee <3 him being like one sided friends w jay and standing up to nadakhan at the end of it all... wahhh

NINJA REPLACEMENTS. so fucking funny i love jay and his assortment of old guys And Skylor

everytime i watch it i cant stop thinking of this ytp and it makes me cry. its not even that funny i just have watched it like 50 times

its dungeon media. this is smth i made up and only i know abt . dont worry abt it but its true

ok my brain is mush HOPE THIS MAKES. some sort of sense . bascially trying to condense 6 years of Thoughts into coherent analysis is impossible for me LOL

[sighonaraa]

hi!!!

so sorry for sending another ask lol. i went through every post under the football kiddo au and omg omg omg!! getting such a huge brain rot rn. i recently fell in love with ted lasso and i didn’t realize there was a fandom (most live action shows don’t rlly have one) im just so excited to go more into this wonderful fandom and read these fics along with the post and yk. everything ab being a fangirl lol (wish i got into this show and fandom earlier but better late than never) anyway, i have my own thoughts ab this au that i would love to share.

who can forget everyone’s fav kitman, will! can you imagine will but not a baby will. instead he’s around fifteen or sixteen and had his own emotional trauma and baggage (bcuz every character deserves a good old angsty backstory). and he just helps the kids by giving them water and helping injuries (my highschool has an athletic trainer program. idk if uk schools do but it would be fun). like he’s just a teenager who lives in richmond with everyone else and just starts showing up to help their makeshift football club. and like practically gets adopted my trent and ted. and he sees roy as this older brother (my personal headcanon is will’s an older sibling who ends up being the parent in his house due to his parents being neglectful) and for once he gets to be treated not as a parent. and jamie and sam and the other boys remind him of his younger siblings. also, once he graduates highschool. everyone, the kiddos, ted, roy, beard, trent, rebecca, higgins, etc all show up to his grad. and are screaming from the audience along with his siblings (and his parents aren’t there ofc but his found family is)

also, rebecca is such a cool aunt. like she grows a soft spot for the kids and treats them like she treats nora

sorry about my rambles, i just love this fic so much and i can’t wait for more. also brb gonna read your other works. just i think we both can agree how much we love this little found family.

so much love <33

hi hello hi!! it's so lovely to have you join the fandom, it's a very fun and sweet little corner of the internet and i'm so glad you're here with us now :-) and weeps? WEEPS! i'm overjoyed to hear that you're enjoying the football kiddos au -- i am slowly but steadily working thru chapter 4 and getting comments like this shrimply makes my day.

first of all: I LOVE YOUR WILL THOUGHTS. PLEASE KEEP TALKING. i am ashamed to say that i forgot will existed sjdkfj but i do adore him and his funky ways and i am very [eyes emoji] about a teenage will herding his wee siblings of various ages around town while the adults follow behind and keep anyone from running off into the street. the entire team coming to his graduation........... oh weeps :') this is everything i adore. he'd be so gentle and caring with all of the kiddos but particularly the younger ones, and able to tease the older ones in such a specific Older Brother way. this is so!!! ough. i'm rotating a new plotline for will in my head as we speak.

second of all: you are SO correct about rebecca that is in fact EXACTLY how she's going to be once she finally meets the kiddos. and nora!!! nora my beloved. she and rebecca will be having a large role to play in this fic Mark My Words.

and third of all: please do not apologize, i adore hearing people's rambles about my fics and i cherish each and every comment with all my heart. and yes, we CAN agree on that. this little found family is very incredibly special to meeeeeeee. so much love to you right back!! <3

[izzy-b-hands]

So. I'm allowing myself a vent post or two abt Stuff in the Brain today that won't fuck off, but it'll all be under a cut if I feel I'm at risk of being too wordy so folks don't gotta see this if they don't wanna. And on this one I did get wordy, multi-paragraphs so. fair warning if u decide to be brave and read thru it lol

I'm behind on getting Mum a bday gift. Like two weeks behind. Partially bc money, partially bc the thing I really wanted to get her involves bidding on ebay and attempting to win a listing (and I just haven't managed it yet lmao), and partially bc like:

For once I've been living my life for me, thinking abt me and Housemate first and foremost, and focusing on what I actually want/need from day to day, and that means I'm away from my phone a bit more than usual, which means I've missed some calls and texts from Mum and just haven't been as Available via phone/apps/etc as I've been in the past

(including one time in the last week or so where Housemate and I stepped aside to the kitchen to make ourselves mac n cheese, and Mum was late to calling me for a planned call, so I figured I was safe to leave the phone by the couch while we cooked. Nope! In that less than half hour, 25 mins at most that it took us to finish mac and get plated up, she figured we'd both A. fallen down the stairs and were now dying from brain bleeds while the cats sniffed us in panic and fear B. decided to cut her out of my life forever and so now I wasn't going to be answering her calls (tho this point I didn't know until a much more recent text where she admitted to it and did say she was ashamed of feeling that way.) )

So I really need to get something out to her, either the chocolates I was planning on sending for her and the family from a local shop, the Snoopy Build-A-Bear plushie with a lil 'I miss you' tshirt and a voice thingy inside it with me telling her to remember that I love her and am always grateful for her help and care and things like that, whatever will fit lol (this is the fucker that triggered this whole train crash of a set of thoughts today lmao), and/or something from one of the ebay listings I've been trying to get (I just need to accept it and pay the buy it now price considering what the thing is isn't like. Uber rare? But apparently Bon Jovi doesn't have their figurines made any more, so they're a bit harder to find and I'm gonna risk not getting one at all if I don't just. do the dang thing lmao)

I'm thinking the Snoopy would be best/easiest for rn, but I keep getting stuck on what I'll say for the recording and it's so dumb but like:

I know, for the sake of both of us and the deeply grown and intertwined sort of emotionally incest-flavoured codependency Mum and I have, we probably should eventually try going NC or LC for at least like. a month or two in the future? Probably even a bit longer? Not as like a 'this is forever' thing (unless something would happen that would point to that as the best option for both of us), but just until we can maybe both heal a bit and work closer towards something even vaguely approaching a more normal mother/son relationship.

And the particular fear is very silly but like. I'd hate to say the things I have planned, that I mean (I do love her, and I know she does her best, and so I'm grateful for every bit and every sort of help she's ever given or will ever give me), and then we someday go NC or LC, and she's hurt by having the plush and audio around as a reminder of how things were before. I could see her throwing it away in a fit, and then being so sad and begging for a new one by the next day. And I'd want to get her one. I don't know if that's right of me or not.

Like, the trauma has me Entirely overthinking this and I know it's ridiculous, you know? But still. Got the Build-A-Bear tab open on my phone bc the chocolate is at least partially to be shared, so that's Not Enough as a partial belated bday gift; and I'd like to hit another paycheck (or part of it, since the uni rarely puts the full fucking direct deposit in on scheduled payday lmao) before I try for the Bon Jovi figurine (and hope it isn't bought before that point.) So the plush is really the best choice, and I don't want to wait any longer to send anything out bc like. Her bday was at the beginning of March, this is fucking ridiculous of me and not how I like handling gifts at all, for anyone!!

Fingers crossed I just. Get the fucking recording done, get it ordered and have them send it out to her, and that'll be enough until I can get my hands on a figurine and/or order the chocolates and candies for her, her bf, and to share with the rest of the family.

[strawbrygashez]

🛏 for any of the postal dudes?

(i am ashamed for asking this lmao)

Whaaaat why are u ashamed :,0?! I love getting asks about the pdudes! :D I’ll answer this for the 4 main pdudes even!

Sleeping headcanons

P1- He’s usually a very light sleeper & has a terrible sleep schedule. It takes him forever to go to bed because he hates feeling like he’s not on guard. Sadly I think like.. he could be super close to falling asleep but one little noise would have him quickly getting out of bed and staying up for hours in the living room just incase the sound he heard was someone coming for him.

I think he goes out like a light when one of the other pdudes or someone he really trusts comes over though because he feels safer with someone he loves close by.

Like I always picture one of the dudes coming to see him and it’s like

“Hey p1! How’ve u been :)”

“Hi. Okay.. you?”

“Been better. anyways can I hang out here for a b-”

*p1 is suddenly curled up on the couch fast asleep*

P2- has a bad sleeping schedule too but it’s not because he’s scared or anything. It’s just he runs around all day doing chores for mostly his wife so when he gets home it’s already getting dark out, but I think he’d still want his own ‘me time’ where he can relax which ends up being him staying up for hours into the night.

Also it’s takes him a while to even get comfortable enough to go to sleep because he has to sleep on the couch each night since his wife takes up the bed. He tosses and turns thru out the night.

The first time he’s probably had felt well rested in a while was probably during that time he was asleep in the hospital after shooting himself.

P3- he sleeps really well! The others probably hate him for it. He sticks to a good daily routine and has no problem falling asleep anywhere though he does just mostly sleep in his bed like a ‘normal person’ would lol.

I think the only other thing to note besides him having a good sleeping schedule is he’s gets cuddly & also accidentally kicks whoever’s in the bed with him sometimes. That and if he went to bed before his partner, when they come to join him, he’s like… laid out across the bed to where he’s taking up all the room. He’s almost laying out like a starfish lol

He might also accidentally roll ontop of whoever joins him but laughs it off when they wake him up bc of it :)

P4- I really wish I could say he gets amazing sleep but he doesn’t :( yes he can sleep anywhere (he’s slept in trash and on sidewalks) but that’s only because he’s used to sleeping in odd spaces. It doesn’t mean he likes it. Also I feel like he has so much joint & back pain from all the wild shit he’s done in his life it takes him forever to get comfortable. Some meds help but sometimes he misplaces them or just didn’t bring it with him if he ends up having to spend the night somewhere not in his trailer.

He wants his sleep real bad bc he’s old & tired but life still hasn’t gave him much of a break yet :/ but he’s way past used to that by now.

[thegoldenhigh]

I think I finally have experienced a hyperfixation thanks to Astarion, like I watch vids of him and read fic of him everyday and I'm happy asf lmfao I love him so much ACLVKSBSBSNMS

This is unusual for me through?? I never experience anything this intense when it comes to interests bc my mental health is atrocious and it's hard not to feel ashamed of things I enjoy. (I have always struggled with shame, it's a huge reason why I struggle with making art and content that genuinely does bring me joy.)

So I wonder if the trigger was bc I really started to get into him as I got rly sick with severe sepsis a month ago and he was like, sth to keep me sane thru nearly dying lmfao and I just formed my first ever hyperfixation lol. Funky brain shit, idk lol

Like legit I was in constant pain and couldn't keep fluids down etc but I was laughing and giggling at Astarion vids on YT

Also his character/story is very personally relatable and I connected with it, so I guess this combo is why the character is so dear to me now :')

I still of course feel a strange twinge of shame and guilt, but I'm just letting my obsession with Ast take over and run wild and trying not to care, I'm living my best life lol

Anywayyyyy I'll be cooking up more art of him soon 👀 and possibly fic (I haven't written fic in years, that's how you know this is obsession LMFAO)

[yuukei-yikes]

Haruka's cringe compilation also includes him seeing Ene, probably thinking she looks very pretty, but instead of rekindling his high school romance he's living through the worst adaptation of "new phone who dis" ever conceived by man or snake

LMAOOO please and in that point in time haruka also technically spent a lot of time watching konoha try to get hibiya and hiyori out of the timeloop for god knows how long. we dont talk abt this enough. haruka can see everything konoha sees so like... erm. bitch also saw these kids getting killed over and over. lol! (descent into insanity complete as i think abt haruka and hibihiyo dynamic post str)

so like. last haruka saw of takane was her dead body, he had no reason to NOT think she wasn't in a similar state as him. like in some limbo place. bc tbh does haruka even know where he is... and from watching everything thru konoha he might know as much as kenjirou being a danger but that's it. cuz we don't know if he ever explicitly did anything to reveal in front of konoha that he is not Really kenjirou. ofc there are the hcs that the people inside the daze move freely and can see each other but personally i never interpreted it like this. i like the hc theyre all alone bc makes for better post str angst and i like the idea that ayano CAN do this but doesn't because she is too upset she could not save haruka and takane and is too ashamed to face haruka. and also something something self punishment i dont deserve to hang out with my friend and receive updates from what he can see with awakening eyes (but doesnt stop to think it'd be nice for haruka to have someone). i think ayano probably shows up to haruka at least once Largely based on his line in the eighth novel when she appears. he says "she was always unannounced" or something like that and yeah maybe he meant back then when they were alive ayano had always been kind of sudden and unexpected idk lol but i like to interpret it as in ayano suddenly showing up in haruka's daze like. hi. (cries a lil bit then immediately leaves)

ERM. SORRY I GOT SIDETRACKED. LIKE ALWAYS. i think haruka Knows where he is bc ayano told him, but it's also so appealing to me that he's just confused the whole 2 years (plus the 10 years it feels he's watching hibiya and hiyori die) cuz. heh. angst. but yeah i think he'd know but not much (until konoha meets the dan yknow)

ANYWAYS YEAH my point was he just went through all that, been alone for 2 years plus all the time worth in the hibihiyo timeloop and finally. HE GETS TO SEE TAKANE. except he is not really himself and konoha is just making her freak out and cry and haruka's just having a mental breakdown bc he's been in this place for so damn long where he cant feel tired or sleep or eat and he is just laying there in a room perfectly designed to fit his worst nightmare like he is by all means dead but alive enough to be tortured like this lolllll and now he gets to see the person he's been begging to see all this time like YOU KNOW in the third novel the first konohas state of the world chapter he says "if i had a final wish i would reach out to that girl who used to yell at me all the time" (insanity) like i truly think the i want to see you takane bit from the anime is from there. anyways. the fact that line happens while konoha is actively trying to stop the timeloop for hibiya and hiyori AUGGHH

um. yeah he gets to see her again. but all his other self is doing is making her cry lmaooo

but also i think haruka is rly touched that takane refuses to see konoha as him and calls him a fake LOL bc haruka hates konoha bc it acts so much like him, clueless to those around him and just being a burden but takane refuses to see it as haruka because it's NOT haruka like she knew immediately it wasn't him. and maybe from takane's pov its just her in denial of haruka having his memories erased but still she was right, it wasnt haruka in his body. and i think he would be so touched abt this (which is why he's so desperate for her company post str not only for obvious reasons like he loves takane and he was alone for god knows how long inside the daze but ALSO BECAUSE.. everyone else became great friends with konoha and he feels so bad replacing it and fears the dan resents him hehehehehfhejdjjdjfiekdkoeoeo

[gvftea]

erica here. (The real one, not josh’s fake gf!!!!) I was planning to not give this the time of day in hopes that the topic would blow over, but y’all are still bringing it up.

1. I didn’t “dig thru Sam’s trash.” People who fell for that one……. damn. My therapist thought this lie was funny though. But, please please think before you accuse someone of a literal CRIME (!!???)

2. I’m private/deactivated on everything now. Please stop talking about me lol I want nothing to do with this fanbase anymore bc y’all have made my life a living hell for no damn reason.

3. Talking about where I work, or where anyone works really, is weird. But I’ve moved on to a better paying job elsewhere so that’s a win for me.

Generally though, maybe stop being bullies???? ! Weird concept for some of y’all, I know! This fanbase has made me (literally) want to unalive SEVERAL times in the less than 2 years I’ve been a fan. I don’t say that flippantly. When y’all spread rumors and believe lies and talk shit, you’re effecting real human lives. Do you know that? Have you thought about the reality that your gossiping-for-entertainment is genuinely making people want to d*e??? Have you considered the way my mom calls me crying because she’s afraid that I’m going to *** because I am so miserable due to randos on the internet making me out to be someone I’m not? I don’t say this for pity. I say this bc I genuinely hope you can get it thru ur heads that this isn’t some game. This is real life. Real people and real feelings and real consequences. Now matter how much I don’t like someone, I’d never want to put them in the mental state y’all have put me in. It’s horrifying that so many of you are okay with it.

I’d love to say that I am someone who doesn’t care what people think, but having strangers (or maybe even not strangers!! who knows!) on the internet repeatedly try to convince others that you’re a stalker or racist or whatever the fuck is so truly miserable. I am not those things. You don’t have to like me. That’s fine. But please just stop letting me take up space in your brain. I’m quite literally pleading for my life here when I ask you to just stop thinking about me or talking about me or *anything* about me. You all got what you wanted. I am trying to disappear from the general consciousness. I’m surrendering and going away. But you keep drudging it back up. Let it rest. I’m begging.

Like I said, I didn’t even want to post this bc I know someone’s gonna quote it and keep talking shit anyway. Or pick apart something i said. Or try and accuse me of something else. Or come up with theories and bullshit bc they have nothing better to do. But I’m just so sick of getting trampled on and not attempting to stand up for myself. I’m being so serious when I say that if anyone wants to actually talk to me about anything, you can DM me. I shouldn’t have to prove myself to anyone, but if it makes this Hell stop, then I’ll try.

Finally, whoever runs gvftea should be ashamed of themselves. This account is a cesspool of rumors and slander and hate and all the worst parts of the fandom. Praying you acquire some decency and delete. Or, at least, that this fan base stops giving it the time of day.

.

[dlnj]

Damn man, I didn’t really know where else I could go to vent this out, I know no one here knows me or what I go thru but man oh man can my life be such a nightmare . My wife convinced me to feel safe enough to tell her things I would never tell a soul (maybe I still didn’t lol she can be very cold ) but some how she got that I like diapers out of me, that was the first thing and went mostly ok. She started out supportive but the first chance she felt she needed to use it against me . Then I told her I was Bi-sexual after she pushed and pushed and pushed and told me what I was never accepting my answer of “I’m not sure “ which is the gods honest truth . And then somehow she convinced me to come out to her as a trans-girl . Which I was terrified to do. Yup so glad I did that. She made me feel safe even told me she loved it only to turn around and throw that at me too. She had me living life at homes anyway as a female , and for the first time in my life I actually loved myself . 39 years and I got maybe 2 weeks of loving who I saw in the mirror . But I got to tell you after that emotional ass whopping I’m not dressed as a woman at all right now. Took all the make up off, and went back to not loving me and she just wants to be on the attack so I guess today is about to get so so so so much worse. I actually thought and believed that I was going to be brave enough to start the transition process . But now I’m on my 3rd floor bedroom sitting alone balling me eyes out and climbing back into my shell . I’m really very disappointed in the world for making us folks who live life a little differently ashamed of who we are . I was seeing myself in the mirror as a girl too, even when not in makeup or girls clothing and again loved who I saw. But now I’m crying , having a non stop panic attack and feel like the only safe thing to do is go back within myself and just pretend my way thru life til one day when I die and then maybe the world will read my story of how the world can bully a good soul into loosing their minds and being so emotionally distraught that they are numb all the way over and feel weak , out of energy . I got nothing left to give when it comes to me trying to have friends and family , they all leave me after a while there really must be something wrong with me. Anyway thanks for letting me vent .

[1ns4n3j3st3rf0rlyf3]

lol i hate my last exes impact on me .

they fully fucked up my perception of reality with the sheer amount of neglect and lack of accountability and boundaries. i thought i wasn’t good at art. i thought i wasn’t a people person.

they r worded me and claimed to have dementia when i told them they did that multiple times.

it’s crazy how people with hard kinks don’t actually know how to check in.

i hated myself and i hated my life in ways my suicidal ass had never experienced before. i thought i deserved everything they put me through.

i have hard kinks. i love to be kinky it makes sex fun for me. what they did to me wasn’t cute. it wasn’t fun. it felt like genuinely hate fucking and punishment. i’m a conceptual girly and i love to get put in my place but when my place actually becomes a place where i feel subhuman (unsexy) and less than loved it’s not right.

i shouldn’t have done sex work while i was with them because when they told me they were jealous of the men that paid for my lesbian ass time and then they mimicked those men’s behavior without compensating me i hated them.

i became a house maid in a very unsexy way. i became a caretaker in the least sexy way. i became a degraded hole in the least sexy way. i lost what i felt was my control over my life. i let them hurt me until i self medicated and my environment became hellish and i started hurting everyone around me.

i figured that if i was hurting like that it’s only fair that the people around me hurt too. it didn’t help that i developed a chemical dependency on benzos to a point where i was going thru bar rage and withdrawals when i was on them or if i skipped em. i literally relapsed like i did when i was 13 and evil.

i relapsed to a point where my family said this is scary again. they were afraid for my life just like i was. but my family doesn’t know how to help me cope thru my fear, so i got delegated again to rehab. i never have known how to effectively deescalate myself alone. especially when i conceptually feel it’s me vs the world. i have never felt more alone than i do thinking about how bunny lowkey won.

they took my dog. they let me hate my life. they let me ruin most of my relationships that lasted over 5 years. the people i have left are my friends that have understood drug abuse and my friends with rlly impressive amounts of empathy. i realized while in treatment i didn’t rlly have deep friendships like i thought i did. my relationships centered convenience. i was so afraid and so used to being decentered i never actually filled my “people” in on the gravity of my lore. my friends didn’t know the people i loved that have killed themselves. they didn’t know my addict friends that ended up overdosing on fentanyl. they didn’t know about my friends in prison. they didn’t understand me and my pain or how to help me through it.

i was forced to reframe my understanding of love and friendship. i was forced to see my reality for what it was. i lived in familiar chaotic pain. i was cycling in a familiarity that hurt me everyday and i thought it was just a part of being me. i victim blamed myself while bunny victimized themself and refused to take accountability.

i have such bad ptsd around them i feel so ashamed and hurt that i feel like i never knew them. i feel like everything i knew about them that i loved was a front to make me their hole. before we got romantically involved i was in love with them and i wanted to have them in my life forever. now i feel sick to my stomach and physically in pain thinking about ever letting them touch me again. i thought they were someone who understood my pain and they constantly told me they saw it. i have so many fucking screenshots of them telling me sorry. i want to fucking throw up. i can never just remember them without crying.

fuck bunny. unfuck bunny. i hate them. i loved them. they ruined me. they forced me to see i deserve better. i’ll never repeat a cycle like that again.

i can’t believe they fessed up to the neglect then revoked all accountability once i had a ptsd episode and punched them in my own room after getting sexually assaulted for hopefully the last time. i don’t like them anymore.

those messages were before i punched them in a panic like get real dude i’m so mad.

i miss my dog. i miss feeling understood. i wish they understood me. i can’t get played again. i want to be known fully. i won’t hold back who i have always been.

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[jade-doodles-questionmark]

On Alexander, Angelica and Eliza

Heres some long-ass personal interpretation based on the musical that nobody following this blog signed up for lol. Not gonna be touching on history coz i’m no expert and there’re ppl way more qualified for that. and it’s good to keep things separated.

there’re obviously many similarities between the two A’s. Both are witty, outspoken, center of attention, and a bit of a flirt. To me, the most interesting trait shared by both is their awareness: They know exactly where they stand socially, and subsequently, how to play by the rules to climb up. This clear awareness is where I got the idea for the staircase drawings. “i’m a girl in a world in which my only job is to marry rich/ my father has no sons so i’m the one who has to social climb for one” is a demonstration of Angelica’s awareness, just as “As a kid in the Caribbean I wished for a war/ I knew that I was poor/ I knew it was the only way to rise up” shows Alexander’s.

it’s different for Eliza - i know as the show proceeds, she gradually becomes more ambitious and active, but in Who Lives Who Dies Who Tells Your Story, what she asks, instead of how to rise up, is: “Have I done enough?” this quiet insistence is why i always see her as someone who does things because she thinks it’s a right thing to do, no matter whether that thing in question would benefit her personally or not. sure, she gives off "cinnamon roll" vibes, but girl’s no less strong or badass than Alexander or Angelica.

More under cut coz I’m incapable of being concise:

Angelica:

what always strikes me as interesting about Angelica is the contrast of what she says vs. what she does.

In The Schuyler Sisters, the majority of her lines are about empowering women, which, I think, is where the depiction of Angelica as an angry feminist comes from in some fanfics. But in Satisfied, we see she plays squarely by the rules of patriarchy and social classes (the three fundamental truths part). 

Similarly, in TSS, she says "so men say I'm intense or I'm insane", seemingly unbothered, if not lowkey proud, by these comments, but in Satisfied, she talks about the resulting gossip if she were to marry Alexander. 

I saw a post which expressed that Angelica thinks like Alexander but acts like Burr, and I agree. She has a sharp mind and is unafraid to speak out, like Alexander, but she’s also got things to lose, like Burr. Having family responsibilities means that she does not, and cannot, act without restrictions and hesitations like Hamilton. She doesn't necessarily wait it out like Burr, but she does think things thru, because the important decisions she makes carry enough weight to not only affect the future of herself but also of her family.

I had mentioned in an old post that Satisfied is basically Angelica assessing cost & gain for each of the options she has, for all the parties involved. even though that song's ending has mixed feelings and it's DEFINITELY a heartbreaking song, Angelica's choice did maximize the gain for everyone at the time: She was able to maintain her bond with Alexander and married rich to ensure her material comfort. Alexander was able to marry a Schuyler and elevate his status. Eliza got the boy she loved and was happily married. She even foresaw some possible challenges the newly wed Hamiltons were likely to face (“He’ll never be satisfied”).

She knows she lives in a world of patriarchy; she isn't happy with it, but she knows how to take advantage of the system as much as she can. She knows how to be the center of attention, be charming, and appeal to ppl. She knows what kind of husband is beneficial to have. She knows how to influence politics in her own way (take a break). Part of why I found Satisfied so sad is that her mind and her heart wish for two different things. Angelica is a realist, over everything else. She can be a feminist, but definitely not an angry one.

Alexander:

I talked a bit abt him in an older post on Maria - and a lot of what I said abt Maria applies to him. If the challenge Angelica was facing is invisible societal restrictions on women, what Alexander faces is purely regarding survival. Having needed to fight and compete for resources, I imagine he's at least somewhat influenced by the philosophy of social darwinism. I also said, in the same post, that I don't think he'd be really inclined to help ppl in the same difficulty he used to be in, for the same reason. If he could make it this far with his own hard work, how would it be fair to make things easier for others now? Would those ppl even deserve their success now the bar has been lowered? It's not exactly a right way of thinking, but it's also hard to blame him. after having to compete for resource w others in order to climb up, it’s hard to change the mentality.

I've seen a music analysis (by Howard Ho on YouTube) on Hurricane, and it concludes that when Hamilton was singing that song, he wasn't exactly recalling the past - he's been mentally living in that reality and never truly left. (There's similar remarks that Hamilton's past in the Caribbean had always plagued him despite his power and position in Chernow's biography, but we're only analyzing the musical here.) He never fully turned off his survival mode.

To clarify: by survival mode, I don't literally mean he fights to survive. He didn't exactly show a strong will to survive and was quite willing to give up his life for noble causes, up until he met Eliza. What I meant is, he remembers being destitute and helpless, he remembers seeing deaths of trivial importance, so he fights to be as far away from destitution and helplessness as possible, he fights to have the opportunity to die a glorious and noble death. Because to be able to die for something matters is still a privilege. No matter how high up he rose to position, his insecurity that he may end up losing those never faded away. This raw energy, I guess, is what gradually turned the others in the musical to be more like him.

Eliza:

Eliza seems to be the one who's the most content abt their situations out of the three. After all, one of her motifs in the musical is "look around at how lucky we are to be alive right now", and the other one is “that would be enough”. 

ppl usually say Helpless and Satisfied should be listened back to back (and nothing wrong with that), but comparing these two songs, Helpless doesn’t explore as much of Eliza’s character as Satisfied does Angelica. Throughout Helpless, she’s spent most of the song narrating what happened and falling head over heels for Alexander. As for her first appearance in TSS, she doesn’t have as much of a voice and show of character in comparison to Angelica, Burr, other Peggy either. 

The first moment we truly see her thoughts is in That Would Be Enough. It’s also in this song, her two other motifs (”that would be enough” and “narrative”) are introduced. Unlike Alexander and Angelica at that point of story, she’s happy with her life, wants it to remain that way, and doesn’t ask for more. 

i dont mean she’s not ambitious like the other two - she’s driven, but by other things. she doesn’t think of legacy, material comfort, status, position, etc. as important as Angelica and Alexander, as we can see in Burn. it’s not that she doesn’t know the rules - girl’s not playing the game at all. 

unlike the two A’s, Eliza’s growth happens in the second act. Angelica’s barely in the second act, and in the same act we see Alexander’s most trusted weapon, writing, contributing to his downfall. but for Eliza, she turns from the observer in Helpless, the supporter in That Would Be Enough, to the only one on stage in Burn, and to being the center of stage in Who Lives Who Dies Who Tells Your Story. in the second act we see her going thru the series of most crushing heartaches: Reynolds Pamphlet, death of Phillip, and death of Alexander, but we also see her strength. she’s a good person, but ppl usually forget that being nice takes energy and strength too. it takes strength to support, to forgive, to mourn the passing of your loved ones, and to preserve their memories and legacy. she shines and grows after overcoming the loss and heartbreaks. Angelica says in Satisfied “she’d say 'i’m fine' but she’d be lying”, i don’t think she’s giving Eliza enough credit for her mental strength there lol. 

side note: this is where i got idea for the eliza art from a few days ago - kintsugi represents the idea that your wound becomes your history and forms part of who you are, rather than something ugly to be ashamed of. I think it fits well with Eliza’s development.

Congrats! you’ve made it till the end! don’t know why u’d do that, but thanks! 

if u’re reading this feel free to send me a simple art request to compensate the time u took reading my bullshit

[flutter2deceive]

Inspired by @everybodyknows-everybodydies recent ER dream posts, I figured I'd share some of my ER dreams from the past year. I text myself whatever i remember after waking up from interesting dreams so that's the grammatically incorrect format they're in lol

buffy out on the streets moving vans with her strength, timothy olyphant is a vampire and he and his vamp buddies need romano to inject blood back into his circulatory system so he can go out in daylight again, they're taunting him like "come on didn't buffy train with you for a week to be a surgeon before giving up?", idk

The coolest stop motion video ever of this ER drawing turned into a storyline, mark leaves i guess jennifer and is running down the hallway to someone and i'm curious to see if it will be susan or elizabeth, it's elizabeth but then the pov switches to susan and she continues running down the hall to the trauma coming in and she high-fives abby and it's like the main point of contact for all the friendly characters when they do something cool is to high-five, watching this whole thing run thru and have the absolute biggest look of gleeful wonder on my face, i say some very nice words and hope they make it to whoever the author/vid marker are

In a steam engine room like that titanic ep of newsradio, there were also demons, so hell??, then there was a thing about carter being gay and in love with his best friend but then he called me lisa (which is my name) but i took that to mean that it was actually dave and it was a whole thing about maura tierney's fake ex-boyfriends?, and carter was out in my parents' front yard confessing his love but he accidentally stepped in the path of a chainsaw and the top of his toe got chopped off so then he was in a wheelchair

Kerry and elizabeth talking about sandy and mark and how they dread talking to henry and ella about them without breaking down, but it's also like they're still there, and then it's kerry and mark having the same convo but it's mark talking about his dad, they're in the hospital bathroom, a scene where sandy is temping in a library at the hospital and arizona robbins also working there and the implication is that they used to date, arizona comes up to sandy's table and notices that she seems to be doing wedding planning meanwhile kerry is sitting by herself at another table, arizona is judgy about what appears to be sandy chasing a girl who's in the closet and ashamed, sandy explains that kerry doesn't know and it's a surprise which is why she has the flashmob people standing 2 deep around kerry's table so she doesn't see the minister bringing the shrubbery in (this never happens in the dream but also what?? lol), then kerry has a successful hip replacement surgery that luka performed and mark is telling everyone about it, susan and abby were just starting to feel out a relationship and were making out in the bathroom

The er hospital but housed in an amalgam of my workplace and childhood church, i guess i'm like an orderly?, corday is pregnant and examining a patient and she's like ready-to-pop pregnant but she's still insistent that she's good to work until she's 8cm dilated and she's only 6 right now, we're all like dude go up to ob now, she's doing like yoga stretches on the floor to alleviate pain but still insists she's fine, meanwhile her patient is like ???, her water breaks and romano is gonna take her up to surgery, there's a space issue at the elevators and only he can fit, me and the other orderly say we'll take her up on the gurney in the other bank of elevators, we go flying down the hall and yelling for people to move cuz mrs corday's-- "sorry, dr. corday's"-- water broke, we get stopped by a security guard who won't let us through and then stopped again cuz there's construction in the warehouse, somehow romano manages to get lizzie but me and the other orderly are locked out, go to a bar downstairs to wait and nick kroll is there and he alerts everyone at the bar to the fact that he found several fan art/fic hits for "nick kroll/luka kovac" on the company's subreddit, he seems oddly intrigued, how weird of a pairing

In the future, there are no doctors because they're all burnt out from covid so healthcare in the future is just holograms of scenes from er but they're not the medical scenes they're the relationship drama stuff, alex kingston is named ceo of brain things due to her time on both er and doctor who, an interviewer asks what her favorite katy perry song is and romano answers for her, then maura tierney kicks everyone's ass at a banquet

The specifics elude me but somehow abby made it so that neela's memories of gallant's death are erased, and he's not exactly alive but also not dead, maybe she went back in time and changed something or had magic?, but neela is now texting with michael who is actually abby with his phone pretending to be him, abby is feeling really guilty for playing around with life and death and neela's feelings when she didn't have a gameplan, she ends up telling weaver she did something extremely morally questionable, now the two of them have to think thru how to handle the situation, neela is concerned now cuz michael texted that he'd talk with her at 23:00 but he hasn't called yet, then there's this really annoying intern that's pissing all the docs off, weaver starts to say something and ppl think she's gonna tell this woman off but she's like "this is an intern that's working here? She should be the hospital's lawyer", and then abby and susan smirk at each other and put on a tie? Idk but i think it's a different reality than the gallant-still-alive one

On a road trip or something and get back to abby's apartment, i may be susan but also possibly just me, we get the luggage from the car and while abby is trying to find her keys to unlock the door, we hear a noise from down the alley, the blonde woman that luka had been flirting with is near the luggage and is drunk or high, we wrestle with our conscience on whether to help her, she ends up asking to crash on the couch, abby and i get her inside and on the couch, we then end up sharing the bed and giggling

Caring for romano while he was in the hospital, mei lin from top chef is a med student and robert keeps insulting her, i think i might be corday, order a butterfinger and bottle of water from the hospital convenience store, go back to robert's room, he's muttering about the salad they brought him, i ask if he wants me to tell the nurse that he wants them to leave the salad for when he wakes from his nap, he squints up at me and smiles, says that his coping mechanism for stress is egg salad, idk

Living an ep of ER, i am susan, walking to my car alongside elizabeth, we're kinda tensely discussing when the kids will be at each of our houses for the holidays, i say let's just fuck it and join our celebrations, it's like a thing as if mark actually used to be married to susan and had a kid, don't know if it was supposed to be little suzie or rachel, elizabeth smiles unexpectedly and my heart kicks up, get in our cars and drive off, i am fumbling with a cigarette and the lighter from the car, drop them both as i'm driving down the hill out of the hospital parking lot, but now i am abby and have the season 9 hair, keep talking about this guy coworker i'm secretly seeing but it's actually susan and i'm trying to throw people off the scent, and there's something also about trixie and katya in this part of the dream but i don't remember specifically what, maybe guest star patients?