#i was so scared. cuz ive never had a friend or anyone im close with be like... supportive abt it.

[goremet-chef]

its so cute i need to. ramble okay

in creatures of sonaria like. man. a year ago at this point? i made friends with someone and like. just by chance, they decided to add me to their pack and let me kill with them and like. I WAS NERVOUS im not known for. my social prowess 💀 but they liked me? and they added me as a friend and idk it was nice. like it was a group and i was kinda in the group? even if i was mostly quiet the whole time, i was still helping and covering for them yknow?

i didnt play for a while, i went from like. playing daily to playing monthly but i started playing again and i remember i think they invited me a few times to come play like with the roblox invite function but i wasnt online at the time and so. IDK i didnt think anything would come from it yknow? but. when i joined their server on accident, they added me to their pack immediately and said hi and im like SHOCKED. did i matter enough for them to like. feel the need to say hello to me and invite me to hang with them? IT. its happened more and more, i like to play with them whenever i can and i get nervous maybe im annoying them by joining them all the time but they always invite me and say hi, and its to the point where other people in the group also say hi to me and it

you must understand! im a fucking loser man, im not someone people get along with, im painfully awkward, i feel like an alien trying its best to act human okay. but it feels good, it feels like. NORMAL. we arent serious friends like i dont know shit about them, probably never will honestly i just like to wreak havoc with them. ive always been afraid of like. INFILTRATING a group, thats what it feels like!! whenever im accepted anywhere, im so terrified im latching onto false hope, im scared that im forcing my way in and im too happy to really see it. but. they say hi to me and they mess around with me and they JOKE WITH ME like. OKAY!!! im still quiet like 90% of the time but they know alright im busy playing the game, its not like i have much to say anyways!! its fun to be. social? like im too scared, fearing itll go so horrible wrong and bruise my already quite small and fragile ego, so when it goes RIGHT?? idk i just wanna. ramble about it cuz

i joined today and one of the other members said "YAYY looksee" and it. MY HEART... i like all of them cuz i hang out with them enough like. i really only talk to the one who has me added since they will actually say things to me directly but i feel like im opening up more? just a little, im still shy but. IDK knowing theyre like getting used to me? yay looksee?????? teehee!!!!!!!!! idk why it makes me so happy, i guess im easy to please if you show me the slightest bit of. positive acknowledgement im absolutely giddy. the bar is on the floor 💀 but i dont care!!

when have i ever made a friend on roblox? ive been called slurs and insulted and told to kill myself more times than anyone has ever like. tried to be my friend 💀 i get it, im not very welcoming, its not like i try to be. im friendly sure, but quiet, and if im in any sort of social interaction (which can range from someone speaking to me and not going away after they say what they wanted to say to literally just. something cute, like someone sitting with me or giving me some food) i cant handle it (i scream and close the game as fast as possible, my heartrate goes up im BREATHING HEAVILY IM SCARED... it was nice but. terrifying!!! i feel the obligation to stay and thats too big of a commitment OKAY... roblox creature you must understand)

ITS A LOT FOR ME OKAY.. and i mean. i know how my roblox avatar looks, ive been told its cringe enough times for one lifetime, im tired!!! i get it. catboy with a skirt ooo so scary. that boy is a faggot, yeah yell it louder at me.

the worst part about that is like. IT HURTS... i know i shouldnt care about what a child on roblox says to me in creatures of sonaria trade realm, but lord! it hurts. i dont socialize, ive had enough bullying!!!!! ive done my time IN SCHOOL. alright thats enough im good on the bullying. idk im just weak i guess I CANT HANDLE IT. im not good with confrontation, i wont come up with a witty response, ill just sit and wait for them to get bored from me ignoring them and leave me alone. ITS ROUGH. especially cuz its ALWAYS about my avatar, i look gay i get it, thats the point.

im a very like. ive spent TOO MUCH TIME kicking myself down over 'cringe' alright. i literally lost my interests and passion cuz i was scared of being cringe, wanted to fit in better. it made me MISERABLE. im very pro cringe i love it cuz? its only cringe if you suck, things that are 'cringe' i never find cringey even a little bit, cuz i like it when people are happy. but. i find it hard not to be a little embarrassed. its ROBLOX i get to look however i want!! i love silly roblox avatars okay, i dont want to be embarrassed about mine!!! im not a confident person, i wear it around because i like the image of this stupid catboy clothes on a very man shaped man alright looksee is my pride and joy i give him a little kis. but maybe they get the wrong idea? idk. i dont think so, i think they just dont like how i look. whatever. also my avatar matches with my friends really well so. its iconic to me!!!

still, like i said. its why i try not to play social games alone on roblox, im scared to be bullied i will admit 💀 if my friend was there, she'd tell them to kill themselves for me!!! but. shes not always there. i literally panic anytime someone runs up to me directly i sigh and say 'here we go again' cuz im waiting the imminent insults alright. IM TIREDDD so tired. they dont get him like i do. hes an avatar ive DRAWN before hes just an oc at this point, i wont ever change him cuz i like him but . sometimes it gets hard!!!

im so off topic here i just. NEED TO RANT A LITTLE cuz it. it does genuinely bother me but im too scared to like. VENT ABOUT IT to any of my friends cuz im absolutely sure some of them would roll their eyes, its just a game!! game is important to someone like me, game is the closest i come to like. living in a real social world, of course its important to me!! game is the easiest way for me to interact with strangers and not die of a panic attack immediately after 💀

WHATEVER im yapping i love to yap but. idk i just wanted to talk about it, im still so . it feels good to know that even if im weird and quiet, im not so weird and so quiet that people want to avoid me all the time. theres SOMETHING about me that they think is cool enough, like. well. i can overthink if i want to. maybe theyre adding me into their pack out of pity? maybe they dont actually like having me around but they feel too awkward to like. they feel like its gone too far now? in too deep? or maybe. im not as awful as i think i am!! maybe im weird and offputting but its okay :]

LISTEN. maybe this is normal for everyone else but its a big deal for me oky. ITS HUGE ACTUALLY. like just to have a mindless video game buddy? someone i dont even like. I DONT EVEN KNOW THEIR PRONOUNS BRO thats how little i actually converse with them but. like its not serious its just a little treat for myself, a little thing i can have. shaking like a chihuahua right now. its embarrassing to be so excited about it but. i dont do this sort of thing ever really, maybe im getting better? even if im not, ill still enjoy it

[jiraikwei]

idk what i want and it kinda scares me . i want to feel something else but like the only other feelings im capable of experiencing are bad and will make me suffer . i cant cope with anything well when i feel like shit i just fall into things i shouldnt do just for thr quick dopamine so i can distract myself and not think . if it were a year ago i could distract nyself by binge eating but i cant even do that now because i'd feel like shit afterwards . binge eating was honestly my only effective coping mechanism . i could just go home and eat something and i wouldnt have to think about anything in particular . i feel like im constantly dissociating at school and when im not dissociating i jusf feel like shit . literally the only things i enjoy are the things that temporarily take away my ability to just think about shit

i think i might have both bpd and avpd or anxious avoidant personality attachment style whatever . they conflict with eachother and it constantly feels like im in a limbo and that i never feel happy with what i have . im horribly lonely when im alone abd i just want someone to talk to but when i have someone im suffering so hard and im ao paranoid and i dont know if they love me wnough and i just want them to leave me alone because they make me feel so bad . i feel like im just not built for friendships at all , i dont think friendships contain a strong enough connection for me to ever feel truly safe with them . i feel like most people just seek out friendships so they can get emotionally jerked off and not actually want to have genuine conversations or connectuons with the other person , i probably do that too . ive only ever had one friendship that didnt turn out like shit and we're still very surface level with eachother wmotionally i feel weird even telling her thag i like girls . i dont understand how other people can have friends that genuinely like them . i need someone who loves me and i need someone to love , i need someone to have an actual feeling of romantic love towards me like i do towards them not just ' like ' . and i dont think im fucking entitled or selfish for wanting that btw or that i need to hit my ugw before i deserve that . im so sixk of people telling me that they ' like ' me and then not wanting to actually fucking listen to me or do shit with me . i srsly dont understand how people tell me they like me and not want to do anything with me . like ok so you dont want to call . you dont want to hang out . you dont even want to play a game with me well what is the fucking point lol . and im not an ai bot you can just ignore and then feed your journal entry of a message into so i can generate some sort of response ACTUALLY FUCKING TALK TO ME holy shit . if you dont like me you can just leave and buy a diary because i guarantee if you start pulling that bullshit on me i seriously will not care enough to continue the friendship jdjdjcidnbdiiwncjeiwkvnjdkdm hekdkvidifjhelwkfkkfkekfkvkkkfffjdjdjdoeofjeiwkdcnjsjaksncjdjwkdkjdjejd is there anyone in this world that actually cares for other people im so sick of people manipulatinf me / not caring about me / being an asshole to me / wanting ro ruin me or just getting close cuz they want to fuck me omg kys kus kys kys kys it feels like thats all what anyone wants . its so hard to make friends . maybe i should turn full NEET and sever contacrs with everyone cuz it feels like everyone inherently hates or wants ti manipulate eachother . BUT IM SO FUCKING OINELY AND I WANT TO TALK TO PEOPLE ifigjjejwwowfkjgkdovkfisisidkfjjssikchcjdjskicjvididjvjfjdjjcicjdfjfjcjjdidifnfjdifjvjdjdjcicidkdbfjcidkjdifjfjfjdjdjfjfjsjdkfnncjfjfnddfjfidnndhfjcjdndncjcjjsndncjdjjdjfbcbdjjdjfncncjdjdjsoaidhfjcidksjgfjcjwbufkdjsijfndichsjdgwbajhxbckfiriwikcjcjeicjnfnefjf i dont even mnow if anything j say is actually true . indont know if people stop caring about me or if im the one who leaves . idkkkkk idkkkkkkkkkkkk i wish j was an adult so i could just drive somewhere like to the store and just chill instead of writing some gay ass blog post the morning before school this is so stupiddddd bye bc i literwlly have nothing wrong with me im just hotwiring my brain to think i have bpd and avpd im just a pathetic eprson

[tempestuous-cosplay]

just cuz

Ask me these probing NSFW questions ‘cuz I’m bored

SEXYTIMES EXPERIENCES

1. How many people have you had sex with?

13? somewhere around there.

2. Can you remember the names of everyone you’ve slept with?

if I try hard enough, yeah, but off the cuff, no

3. With whom did you first do the sexytimes? Was it good?

My first Bf, and hahahaha no. Not at all.

4. What’s the best sex you’ve ever had?

a close friend and i took MDMA and fucked for, like, 4 hours and it was lovely.

5. What’s the worst sex you’ve ever had?

this guy i banged in collage who was just bony, small, boring, and ignored me after.

6. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve had sex?

In a tent? Or the time in a church.

7. Where’s the most unusual place you’ve masturbated?

I don't have any fun or interesting stories about that.

8. Have you ever been caught doing the sexytimes?

NOPE

9. If you masturbate, when did you start, and how?

around middle school or early highschool but it was very rare bc i didn't get much from it. But the first time I actually orgasmed was when I hit 22 and got on T. then jacking it became a regular thing.

10. Have you ever been caught masturbating?

My dad walked in right before I was about to get started. that was the worst.

QUEER SHIT

11. How would you describe your sexuality using only adjectives (describing words–busy, fluffy, squishy, etc.)?

weird and complicated but friendly

12. Have you ever been in a queer relationship?

a solid 95% of my relationships have been queer. Only 1 wasn't.

13. Have you ever been in a straight relationship?

Just one. Gross

14. How and when did you realise you weren’t straight?

the moment i knew it was something that was possible. so very early.

15. Are you out to everyone you know?

p much

16. Where do you meet queer folks to date? Do you find it difficult?

I don't really date. But I made my friends through cosplay and then by meeting their friends and it just keeps going.

17. If your parents know about your sexuality, how did they react?

They always knew. I never really "Came out". I have p chill parents

18. Does your best friend know about your sexuality? How did they react?

Duh. I've slept with a number of them.

19. Describe your first queer kiss.

Much better than my first straight kiss.

20. What’s the queerest shit you’ve ever done?

My queer platonic partner :3

LET’S GET PHYSICAL

21. Are you happy with your body?

happier than i was and on my way to making it exactly how I want. Tho i do wish I was taller.

22. What’s the raddest part of your bod, and why?

my eyes are very pretty

23. What do you do with your body hair (pubes, underarms, legs, etc.)?

I don't do jack shit. Im lazy

24. Do you have stretch marks? Where?

Some where my tits used to be, inner thighs, and my love handles.

25. Describe your nipples in too much detail.

theyre kinda lopsided bc of how they were reattached during top surgery. the right one is super sensitive to touch and its kinda painful bc NERVE DAMAGE and the left one is totally numb

26. (Vagina-owners) Do you have an “innie” (small, tucked-in inner labia), or an “outie” (more visible/larger inner labia)?

supper innie. I, like, don't have an inner labia at all. Its WEIRD

27. (Vagina-owners) Is it very obvious when you’re turned on (swelling, wetness etc.)?

Yeah bc my clit is HUGE now thanks to T. It gets HARD

28. (Penis-owners) Describe the size and shape of your penis. Are you happy with it?

its, like, an inch an a half long and really small :3. I like it

29. (Penis-owners) Have you tasted your own cum? Did you like it?

Yeah, its kinda tart

30. (Breast-owners) How does the size of your breasts compare? Is one bigger than the other?

Back when I had them, the left one was a lil bigger than the right one, but i had huge badonkers. Just MASSIVE. They were nearly perfect, but they were on me, so it was horrible.

SEXUAL FANTASY LAND

31. Describe your most unusual/taboo fantasy.

consensual non-consent in fiction. I don;t think i could do it IRL.

32. Do you fantasise more about real situations, or imaginary/impossible ones?

It fluxuates, but mostly its very fantasy.

33. Who’s the oddest person you’ve fantasised about?

The Devil from The Arcana

34. Do you ever find yourself fantasising absent-mindedly, or is it something you do on purpose?

it fluxtuates, but horny daydreams are common

35. Do you always fantasise while you masturbate?

sometimes, yeah

36. When you fantasise, does it usually lead to masturbation?

it actually doesn't more than it does.

37. Have you ever had sex with someone while fantasising about someone else?

nah

38. Do you have any celebrity crushes that you fantasise about?

Hozier has had more than one sex dream in my head.

39. Have you ever fantasised about something by accident, and felt weird about it after?

oh sure. thats p normal.

40. Describe your most sexy fantasy.

hah, no. THats too much to type.

KINKTOWN USA

41. How do you feel about BDSM?

im fine with it

42. What’s your most unusual kink?

probably being a living sex doll

43. In an SM context, do you prefer giving pain, or receiving it?

Im not the biggest fan of either but I would rather receiving bc im too scared of accidentally really hurting someone

44. Do you consider yourself to be dominant, submissive, both, or neither?

Im a sub leaning switch.

45. Describe your most recent bondage experience.

got tied up in cosplay for a photoshoot.

46. In a BDSM context, have you ever referred to anyone as “daddy,” “mommy,” or any similar term?

nope but i've been called daddy

47. Do you have a kink for any bodily fluids (pee, saliva, blood, tears, cum, etc.)?

cum, blood, and spit to a small degree.

48. Have you ever revealed a kink to someone and had them react negatively?

not yet tbh.

49. Do you have any kinks that you’re ashamed of?

nah, not really

50. How much money have you spent on equipment for your kinks (toys, whips, chains, etc.)?

OOF!!! A good several hundred dollars. Like...... its a fairly high number.

COME FOR THE QUESTIONS, STAY FOR THE SUBHEADINGS

51. (Vagina-owners) Do you ever squirt when you come?

I have a few times!!

52. Have you ever come solely from penetration (anal or vaginal)?

no, that I haven't managed.

53. Can you have an orgasm without your genitals being touched?

HAH I WISH but no

54. Describe how you like your genitals to be touched.

Nice slow strokes on my clit like a dick with some gentle rubbing on the lips.

55. How sensitive are your nipples? Does nipple play turn you on?

One is numb and one is very painful. So no.

56. Do you find it easier to orgasm with another person, or through masturbation?

Jacking it. I almost never cum with a partner. Sex is more for bonding than personal pleasure tbh.

57. Have you ever had an orgasm that you weren’t expecting?

A few times, yeah!!

58. Do you get off easier from rough contact, or gentle?

rough ish??

59. What’s the best orgasm you’ve ever had?

the few times ive squirted.

60. Did it take you a while to have your first orgasm, or were you an early starter?

took until i was 22

ORAL FIXATION

61. Do you enjoy giving oral sex? Why?

YES!! Its a good mouth feel.

62. What’s your favourite position in which to receive oral?

not sure yet.

63. Describe your oral sex technique.

suck and wiggle. suck and wiggle

64. Do you find it easier to give oral to someone with the same genital configuration as you (eg., you both own vaginas/both own penises), or different?

theyre about the same amount of effort for me.

65. Describe the worst oral sex you’ve ever received.

too much teeth.

66. Describe the best oral sex you’ve ever received.

I was..... on some drug or another, can't remember what, and bro, i mELTED

67. Do you ever simulate oral sex while masturbating (sucking on dildos etc.)?

rarely but sometimes

68. How sensitive is your mouth? Is it an erogenous zone, for you?

not much? but its fine

69. Do you like 69ing?

never tried, not super interested

70. Can you deep-throat?

anything smaller than 6" yeah.

EVERYTHING BUTT

71. Do you like it in the butt?

yeah but it takes a lot for me to be willing to do it.

72. What’s the strangest object you’ve had in your butt?

a phallic shaped kite handle (I was young and stupid)

73. Do you enjoy being rimmed?

sure

74. Can you take a lot in your butt, or just a little?

just a lil

75. Describe your most recent experience with buttsex.

I was, again, on drugs a little under a year ago and let my best friend pop that particular cherry.

76. Do you like doing stuff to other people’s butts?

im indifferent leaning on rather not.

77. (Prostate-owners) Have you ever received a prostate massage?

nope

78. Do you own any buttplugs?

nope

79. Have you ever had an embarrassing buttsex experience?

not yet, hopefully never

80. Have you ever pegged someone (ie., worn a strapon and fucked them in the butt)?

not yet

SHARING IS CARING

All questions assume you’ve done group sex of some kind

81. Describe your most recent group sex experience.

got one coming up in about a week? but an orgy at a furry convention.

82. Have you ever had sex with more than two people at once (eg., foursome, moresome)?

sure have

83. Have you ever had an orgy? Would you?

yup, and YUP!!!

84. Do you enjoy watching your partner(s) having sex with others?

ehehehe yeh

85. Do you prefer to arrange group sex beforehand, or allow it to happen organically?

both are fine!

86. Have you ever felt left out during group sex?

nah, im too sexy for that

87. Have you ever done a gangbang (ie., lots of people have sex with one person, but not each other)?

not yet but i WANNA

88. Have you ever teamed up with someone and given a double blowjob/double cunnilingus?

not yet :O,,,, WAIT!!! YEAH I HAVE!!!!

89. Have you ever been penetrated by more than one person at the same time?

not yet but god I wanna

90. Have you ever been ejaculated on by more than one person at the same time?

not yet

**BONUS DARES**

100. Send me $500.

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌

[pinkykitten]

The Maze

Thomas x Taylor 

Warning: death, violence, cursing, spoilers (if u have not seen the movie dont read this)

Specifics: angst, fluff, romance, comedy, gifs, pics, aesthetics, oc, oc story, plus size, 600 followers competition 

People: too many to put down srry 

Words: 15,987 (omg this is the longest thing ive ever written in my life)

Requested: By @fyeahtaylorp (cannot tag) Ok so My OC’s name is Taylor she’s 5,5, plus size, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she’s sassy and confident most of the time. I was thinking maybe rebel Wilson as the actress she resembles. I want her to be with Thomas from the maze runner. I was thinking that they meet in the maze and she’s been there longer than him and they start as friends but when they escape the maze they grow closer especially after she’s taken away from the group when they get to wicked. Maybe she’s scared Thomas is into Teresa or Brenda but he’s is in love with her and she finds that out when he thinks something has happened to her and idk how to end it 😅😂

Authors Note: FINALLY IM ABOUT TO POST THIS AGHGHGHGHGH i am so srry this took so long ive been stressed lately and dealing with some personal issues but omg im so happy how this came out! i hope u guys like it as well and also its super long lol im srry. couple of things, i did not re read this cuz its too much so if there r mistakes then u know im not surprised. also i made my mind that i am not doing this every 100 more followers i get instead its every 300 more followers i get so next time i do a oc competition story will be when i reach 900 followers or if i lol thank u guys for the follow and i am totally getting back to writing i have a lot of things coming up that im excited for yay! hope u enjoy and thank u for requesting! 

previous oc story for my 500 followers: Erik Killmonger x oc Calantha Morrison 

“Stephen, Stephen...I need you. I’m scared.”

With a fright she woke up. Not understanding if her thoughts in her head while she slept were a dream or a reality. Everything she had just played in her mind was like a memory, it was as if Taylor lived through them.

She saw the sun beginning to rise, this was a sign to show her it was the start of the day. Her life seemed to be endless, it seemed to have no meaning. Everyday was unknown, unknown of where she came from or anything before the maze. She was stuck with many, many other young boys around her age, and some younger. It was unfair she felt to her and to the others.

“Where did I come from?” Taylor would ask herself from time to time, really pondering on that question.

As Taylor got up to start the day she got dressed in her ripped jeans and her long sleeve shirt, wearing her boots with it. “Time to begin the day.” She breathed out into the cool air but then she felt her most prized possession. Without even realizing she lifted her hand to touch her necklace. When she first arrived at the maze she was left with the necklace. It must mean something, but if only she knew what it meant, or who gave it to her? What did it signify?

“Hey Newt, hope you slept well,” Taylor smiled as she met with Newt for breakfast her stomach rumbling at the smell of Frypan’s food.

Newt chuckled, patting her arm as the walked to the others, “someone sounds hungry-

Taylor playfully hit his arm, “what’s that supposed to mean?

Newts face went pale as he thought that he had hurt Taylor’s feelings, “oh my, I’m sorry Tay.” She just laughed, “you’re fine Newt. But a girl’s gotta eat!”

Newt laughed at her statement and flung his arm over her shoulders, patting her soft arm in the process. They both walk to the breakfast area. Taylor sniffs the air and motions her way to the food. 

Taylor wiped her mouth as she stood up, enjoying her breakfast especially since she spent it with her friends. It was tough being the only girl in the Glade. Nobody there understood her, they tried to but it was difficult. It was just biology, she was a female and they, they were inexperienced boys. 

As Taylor’s boots trudged through the high, green grass she looked at the huge stone cold walls. The maze it what made everything in life seem impossible. Taylor stared at it, maybe if she stared at it long enough it would go away, but sure enough the concrete barriers were still there, almost seeming to laugh at her. 

“Hey you okay Tay?” Newt asked, concerned as he placed his hand on her shoulder. A smile growing on his lips. 

Taylor nodded and laughed, “yeah I was just thinking thats all. So these tulips, they are very beautiful.” Your hands landed on the flowers of Newt’s garden. The petals were soft and the scent was so pleasing. “Good job Newt, these are gorgeous!”

“Well, you helped me out with them, remember?”

Taylor chuckled, “yeah, I do.” She went to start by getting more suitable dirt for the produce and started taking out any weeds. Then watering them and adding food. 

As Taylor was about to replant some items she heard a lot of commotion coming from, “the box...”

Taylor sprinted to the elevator. All the boys were making a commotion. She squeezed through them and saw...him. Her heart started to beat fast as his light brown eyes met hers. Her blue ocean eyes widened when she saw him. She felt like she had met this boy before but she didn’t know where or how. When the boy’s face lands on her he seems to take a pause and as if inspect her. Gally takes him out of the box and they all corner him, not giving the newcomer space. 

“Hey guys give him some space!” Taylor shouted at the other boys, pushing them away from the newbie. Just then the newcomer makes a run for it. 

“We got a runner!” One of the kid yells. 

Taylor mentally slaps herself at how the others treated the new one. As the new boy falls and trips on the grass, Taylor motions to him. 

“Hello new one, I’m Taylor.” She stuck out her hand, a smile on her face. “Welcome home.”

Taylor and Newt show the ropes to the new kid, him still not remembering his name which she told him he will later on remember but his past will be always forgotten. She explained how everyone in the Glade has a job. “Alby, our leader, was the first one here, but we all have jobs here. Newt likes to garden.”

“And what do you do?” The boy asked, really interested in Taylor. 

Taylor put her hands on her hip all sassy, “well me-”

“Oh no here we go,” Newt laughed, knowing Taylor was about to make a speech of how important and how amazing her job is. 

“I’m a map maker. We have our runners who run the maze and every time they finish the maze they come to me! They tell me whats changed and what to add more. Its a team work and yes Newt to me it is one of the most important jobs. Just saying!”

As Taylor said this the runner came out of the Maze before it closed. 

With Newt’s permission Taylor shows the boy all the different areas and just a little bit about everything of his new home. 

They two sit on a log by the fire with the rest of the kids. Taylor hands the boy a drink to which he thinks taste bad. 

“So out there,” the boy points to the maze. “What happens out there?”

Taylor knew what horrible monster crawled those wall but she did not want to scare the new one, “I don’t really know, remember I’m no runner and for good reason. I could never run all that, I’m too slow.”

The boy laughs, “does anyone stay the night in the maze?”

Taylor shakes her head, her golden blonde hair also moving with her, “no, they wouldn’t survive. I don’t think, but any ways this is your first day here. Lets not worry about those things and instead worry about you having some fun tonight.” She saw the boy was not having it and was not wanting to have fun. With a sigh she sat firmly next to him. “Do you see those stars?”

The boy looks to the black sky, “there are millions of stars.”

“Yeah but these are yours.” She grabbed the boy’s hand and lead him to a bright twinkling star. “I can see that you are going to do just fine here. In fact many will trust, respect, and one will truly love you forever. Your time here will be something of learning and teaching to everyone.”

The boy nodded with surprise, “you got that all from that star, or are you just trying to make me feel better?”

“The stars never lie Greenie.” She puts her hand out to him as he takes it. They stand up to talk somewhere more private but as they do Gally throws a guy to the boy. 

They both start competing. “Okay Gally thats enough, he’s new here!” Taylor shouts to him over the other boys screaming and cheering. As she thought that the newbie would not win he pushes Gally to the floor. Everyone including Taylor cheers for the boy, but Gally kicks him making the greenie fall on his head. 

“My name is Thomas.” The boy stands up screaming with pure joy. “My name is Thomas, its Thomas!”

“Hooray for Thomas,” Taylor exclaims, slapping a hand on Thomas’s shoulder. The crowd goes wild for him. 

“Welcome home Thomas,” Alby says as he hand him a drink. 

The next day was hectic. One of the runners named Ben was stung by a griever and he attacked Thomas. Taylor heard the commotion and helped Newt hit Ben on the head with a shovel. Then Alby told the boys to lift Ben’s shirt. Seeing the stung made Taylor’s heart ache, she can see the pain and sadness of knowing in Ben’s eyes. She left with tears in her eyes. 

Taylor, Chuck and Alby all sat Thomas down to explain what had happened, to explain the nightmares that lay beyond those walls. 

She knew what was to happen the next day though. Ben is forced to enter into the maze and left their to die. There is no cure for the stung. Seeing this made Taylor cry, hating the outcome of life. 

Later on, Minho who is the lead runner and Alby go in the maze to retrace Ben’s steps. 

As Taylor awaited for them she spent the time with Thomas. Her hands were sweaty and she was nervous for them. Thomas made her feel safe and better. 

“I’m scared Thomas. I wish Ben’s life would not have ended that way, I hate when this happens.”

Thomas grabbed her hand and reassuringly rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. The action made Taylor blush and feel some sort of attraction to the newbie. “Every things gonna be fine Tay, remember the stars.” He smiled to her as he moved a piece of stray hair behind her ear. 

Taylor held onto Thomas’s hand and onto her necklace, just awaiting for the others. 

Finally at dusk Taylor and the others wait my the entrance of the maze. The doors have opened but there is no Minho or Alby. Taylor’s heart starts to pound, fast. She is frightened and scared. With her left hand to her lips she quickly searches for Thomas’s hand, her right soft one clasping his calloused hand.

“Why are they taking so long.” She whispered under her breath, clutching onto Thomas hand harder. 

“C’mon guys can’t we send someone after them?” Thomas asked, already looking worried. 

Gally squatting by the floor says, “that’s against the rules.”

Taylor rolls her eyes and massages her temple. 

“Either they make it back or they don’t.”

Newt looks at Taylor and Thomas, “can’t risk loosing anyone else.”

Suddenly, a huge gust of wind blows at the group awaiting. Taylor puts her arm up to shield herself from the particles in the wind. 

Then the maze gears start to turn and the maze walls start closing slowly. 

“Oh no,” Chuck whispers. 

“No please no,” Taylor starts to panic. Seeing the door start to close. 

“There,” points Thomas. 

In the distance of the maze Minho is carrying Alby, it seems as if he is hurt. 

“Oh my god look there right there,” Taylor shouts, feeling happy that she sees them, but they are so far away. 

“Wait something is wrong,” Newt points out. 

“Oh no,” Taylor says worried. 

“C’mon Minho you can do it!” Shouts Chuck. 

The rest of the boys start to cheer for Minho, Gally saying for Minho to leave Alby there. 

“C’mon Minho, hurry Minho! You can do this!” Taylor screams as loud as she can. Her heart racing every second that goes by. 

“They’re not gonna make it,” Newt and Taylor realize. 

“They’re too far away,” Taylor cries, tears going down her face. 

The maze walls getting close to shutting fully Taylor is at this point gripping Thomas arm so hard. 

Minho screams as he tries to drag Alby to the entrance of the maze, going as fast as he can. 

“He’s not gonna make it,” Taylor whispers. Every one is screaming, shouting, trying to push Minho to go faster. She looks around to all the scared faces, all the faces that seem to have hope. Taylor looks in front, feeling helpless as she cries more. 

Thomas realizes what must be done and without a second thought he runs ahead with only a few inches left until the maze closes. 

“NO THOMAS!” Taylor screams in a high pitched scream as she tries to grab Thomas. 

Everything else was like a flash before her eyes. Her Thomas was gone. 

“NO!!!!”

The door to the maze fully closed and Taylor fell onto the dirt, crying, knowing Thomas, Minho, and Alby were already gone. 

“No Thomas, why?” She cried as she wrapped herself in her sweater, wanting to feel his hand once again. 

She waited there all night, wrapping herself tighter in her sweater, clutching onto the necklace. 

“Taylor, you can’t stay here all night.” Newt said as he sat beside her, looking up the maze. 

“Yes I can and I will. Did you see what Thomas did Newt? He risked his life,” she stood up and placed her delicate cold hands on the stone wall. “He is  a hero, Newt. He’s probably scared, I just,” she gave a big sigh. “I just want him to be safe. He was one of the good ones, I saw it.”

Newt nodded his head and stayed with Taylor for as long as he could, when it was time to go to sleep he left Taylor with her thoughts. Taylor traced over the names of those who had passed away. Scolding herself for thinking that the name Thomas would be carved there. “C’mon Thomas, you gotta make it. You just gotta.”

When morning came Taylor was the first one waiting there for them. Her feet tapped subconsciously on the dirt floor. 

The door of the maze opened up and Taylor, Chuck, Newt and some others were there as well. Taylor held onto Chuck’s hand and he hugged her, trying to reassure here. 

“I’m here for you Taylor,” Chuck said.

“Thanks Chuck.” Chuck was like a little brother to Taylor. He was such a happy boy and just so kind it made her feel thankful to know him. 

Taylor and Chuck were so hopeful, just wanting to see the others there at the entrance of the maze. 

But nobody was there. 

“Told you guy,” Newt started. “they’re not coming back.”

Every one was starting to loose faith as they walked away, preceding with their life. Not Taylor though and Chuck. They stood and waited. 

Taylor looked down, starting to also loose faith as she didn’t see them coming. 

“No way,” said a boy as Taylor lifted her head she saw...

them. 

“Yeah!” Cheered Chuck. 

“Oh my god, yes! Yes!” She started to squeal. Taylor was overjoyed and so happy to see them. 

Thomas and Minho both worked together in saving Alby. They made it through the doors and laid Alby on the floor. 

Taylor’s eyes started to become glassy, they were starting to tear up at the sight before her. 

“You saw a griever?” Chuck asked, looking at Minho and Thomas. 

“Yeah I saw one.” Thomas said, out of breath. 

Minho shook his head, “he didn’t just see it, he killed it.”

The whole group looked at Thomas, shocked. Taylor smirked and hugged Thomas, “I knew there was something special about you.”

Thomas chuckled and hugged Taylor back. 

They arrive back to the hut where they all sit down and discuss what has changed within the maze. 

“This is where the magic happens,” Taylor whispered to Thomas as she gave him a wink. As they walked in there laid the map. It was unlike any other map. It was not made out of paper, no, it was made out of sticks, rocks. It showed where turns were made, how abstract the maze truly was. 

“Wow, this is what you guys do?” Thomas asked, mesmerized by how Taylor and her team had built the maze replica. 

“Yeah, now you’re a part of it.” Taylor bit her lip, trying to hold in her immense smile knowing now she gets to spend moments with Thomas. 

Thomas looks up at Taylor and grins at her, “well first off we went through here.”

Thomas and Minho sat in front of Taylor, telling her every little detail on how the maze has changed. They place the rock that they had written each section of the place and put it in its proper area.

Thomas peers around the room which makes Taylor uncomfortable. The room is dark, dull, it smells of copper, so much that someone could taste it. Taylor was the same way when she peered into the map making room, to her it was a bit scary, but if it was going to save the lives of all these kids, she would sacrifice her nose smell for a little bit. 

As Taylor listens to Minho’s route she stares intently at one piece, “hey maybe this is a pattern?”

The group discussed all night, for many hours. Words exchanging, ideas, thoughts, it was a long, long night. 

The next day as Taylor is tending to the garden she hears the unusual sound. The creaking of the box. 

“Guys! Guys come check this out!” She shouts as she runs to the elevator. The others arrive as well and the person that is shown shocks every one. 

“What in the world?” Some ask as they stare at this...

“Its a girl...,” Taylor crawls in the box as she stares at another girl. She’s not just the only girl anymore. A part of her feels happy and glad but another part of her feels, jealous. She did not understand why.

Newt jumps in as well, “yeah you’re right Tay...its another girl.”

They all stare in amazement and curiosity. Why would they be sent another girl? 

“Whats in her hand?” Gally asks. Newt takes out the paper in her hand and written on the small piece it says, ‘shes the last one ever’. Taylor’s face looks confused, what could this mean?

“What the hel* does that mean?” Newt looks up at Taylor. 

The new girl suddenly wakes up with a gasp, her breathing very hard. As she is struggling to regain her breath she utters only one name, “Thomas...”

The boys and Taylor look at Thomas, expecting him to know why this new girl said his name. He gave a look back of unknowing. 

As the three, Taylor, Thomas, and Minho discuss more about the maze in the map room some boys come around to the entrance. 

““What are you guys doing? You’re not allowed here,” Taylor tries to shoo them off but they stand their ground. “But its the girl.”

“What is she awake?” Thomas questions. 

The two boys look at each other then at Taylor’s group, “yeah well, you can say that.”

As Taylor runs to where the new girl is at Chuck chuckles and points up, “Girls are awesome.”

Taylor shoots him a face of annoyance, “really shank? Now you realize that?” She looks up to see the newbie throwing rocks at the boys down below. “Are you serious?” 

The boys have shields and are trying to diffuse the situation. 

“We just want to talk,” intervenes Thomas, but still the new girl keeps throwing rocks. 

“Let me handle this,” Taylor says as she stand in front of the boys. “Hello there fellow girl. How bout me and you talk? Just us girls only, hmm?”

The girl pauses with the rocks for a moment and that lets Taylor go up. 

As she climbs up she sees the girl there, huddled probably scared. 

“Hi there,” Taylor greets her with a smile. “Don’t worry none of the boys are coming up.”

“You’re a girl?” The new one asks, looking at Taylor up and down. 

Taylor nods, “yeah, I’m the first girl. Its nice to see another one, lets me have closure. Knowing I can relate to you.”

“How come I can’t remember anything?”

“Don’t worry, that happens to us all. I don’t remember anything, my past, memories, they are all gone. All I have is this to remind me that I did have a past.” Taylor pulls up her necklace for the new girl to see it. 

“Its beautiful.”

“Thanks, now you might remember your name a few hours from now or the next day.”

“My name is Teresa.”

Taylor is shocked a little. The new girl remember’s her name already. Something was way off about this Greenie. “Well Teresa my name is Taylor, nice to meet you.”

Behind Taylor climbs a Thomas. Teresa quickly pulls out a machete and points it at him. 

“Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy alright?”

“Yeah its okay Teresa, he’s one of the good guys,” Taylor smiles at Thomas. Thomas gives a little grin to Taylor at the comment she said. 

“So your name is Teresa?” Thomas asks as he settles next to Taylor. Teresa nods while Thomas introduces himself. “Teresa, I’m Thomas. But you already knew that, I guess, huh?”

Teresa still pointing the blade at Thomas looks to Taylor, “they said I kept saying his name in my sleep.” She turns to look at Thomas, “who are you?”

“He doesn’t know either,” Taylor says. “No one here remembers anything. We are just like you.”

Thomas places his hand on Taylor lap, “yeah, shes right. We all woke up in that box just like you. We are all the same. So I’m gonna take this.” Thomas takes the machete out of Teresa’s hand and gives it to Taylor. “Okay.”

Taylor let out the breath she had been holding. Taylor and Thomas stood by with Teresa, to make sure she felt safe. But there were so many questions that needed answering. 

Thomas, Minho, Winston, Zart and Frypan enter into the maze. Taylor says her goodbyes to them but as Thomas is about to leave Taylor meets with him. 

“I wanted to give you something before you go.” Taylor hands Thomas a sheet of paper, on the paper is drawn a butterfly on a flower. It looks so realistic and it is shaded nicely. “Its a little something so you remember me in there.”

Thomas smiles and brings Taylor into a long, tight hug. “I’m gonna miss you,” he murmurs in her ear. 

Taylor does not want to let go. She wants to keep holding onto him forever, “Please be careful out there. Please come back to me.” She cradles his face with her hands giving him a painful goodbye. He lets go and enters in the maze with the rest of the boys. 

When they return Gally states that Thomas has jepordized the peaceful relationship between the Gladers and the Grievers. 

“Really Gally? Just because they found that device inside one? Maybe that could be a way out!” Taylor tried to reason with him. But it was no use. Gally wanted him punished. 

“Wait a second, why don’t we just make Thomas a runner?” Newt suggested patting Taylor’s back knowing she would back him up on this idea. 

“That’s a great idea, second-in-command.” She expressed and put more emphasize on second-in-command to show he was high in social level. “Thomas would make a great runner.”

So it was made, Thomas ended up being designated as a runner. 

Minho guides Thomas to the maze Taylor built again. Now its more important than ever to really pay attention to the model since the boys found some new clues. 

“Three years,” Taylor says as she walks around the table where the model is being displayed. “Three years of exploration and finally now, now that you Thomas are making a difference, we are actually getting somewhere.”

Thomas places his hand on Taylor’s waist making Taylor blush. Minho spots the attraction between them and gives a smirk. He coughs and raises his brow, “...well then, along with what Taylor said the Maze’s numbered sections open and close in a regular sequence, that might be a code.”

Taylor peers at the device and then at the model of the maze. “Yeah, look. The device is numbered to correspond to a certain section within the maze. With this device we may be able to actually escape!”

This was good new to every one. Finally, a chance to escape, finally a chance to see the other world. That hope that Taylor longed for just seemed so out of reach mere seconds ago, yet when she says the plan it seems as if now it is lightly grazing her fingertips. Like she can feel it.

Taylor walks in on Teresa with two syringes. Taylor gave a face of curiosity. She did not know what liquid was in those shots and yet before Taylor could ask, Teresa already stuck it into Alby. 

“What did you do to him?” Taylor raised her fists to Teresa but she just put her hands up in defense. 

“Its okay Taylor!...Its okay. This is gonna help him.”

Taylor side eyed Teresa, “How do I know you’re not lying, hmm?”

Teresa shrugged, “you’re just gonna have to trust me.”

Taylor angry leaves the hut that Alby is in and goes into the woods to read and draw, trying to block out her. Taylor was not one to feel self-conscious, or jealous but when she saw Teresa she felt those evil things. When she saw Teresa with Thomas the anger boiled more within her. Taylor knew in her head that Teresa and Thomas must have had history together so Taylor knew she did not have a chance, and the thin girl always wins. 

That day Thomas and Minho again went into the Maze. When they came back Thomas was oddly happy to see Taylor. 

Thomas ran up to her and gave her a big hug. 

“Whats this for?” Taylor chuckles, deepening the hug. 

“Tay,” Thomas puts his hands on her cheeks, it looks as if he is about to kiss her. “We may have found a way to get out of here, to get out of this maze. Wouldn't you like that?”

Taylor smiles, “I would love that Thomas.” She then laces her fingers with his wanting to show him that she does care and that he does matter. Thomas looks at the two hands together and starts coming in closer to Taylor but then Gally interrupts and starts to have an argument with Thomas. The argument is cut short when Teresa says that Alby’s awake. Feeling relief Taylor makes her way over to his hut to see how he is doing. 

“Has he said anything?” Minho asks, worry clearly evident in his voice. 

“No,” Teresa answers. 

“Alby, Alby you alright?” Newt asks, looking into Alby’s eyes as he rests next to him on his bed.

“Lets not over crowd him guys. I don’t want to scare him or makes him feel uncomfortable.” Taylor says, standing next to Thomas and squatting to get a good eyes level with Alby. 

“Hey Alby,” Thomas said as he squats next to Taylor. “We might of just found a way out of the maze. You hear me, we could be gettin out of here.”

Alby then whispers the next two words, tears falling down his face. “We can’t...we can’t leave. They won’t let us.”

“What are you talking about?” Thomas asks, uncertain. 

“I remember,” Alby says, making Taylor gasp. 

“What do you remember?” Thomas questions Alby. 

“You.”

“Thomas, what is he talking about?” Taylor’s eyes searching for an answer as she looks to Thomas. 

“And you...Taylor. You two were always their favorites. Always.”

Taylor’s heart started to beat at an uncontrollable rate. She felt unable to breathe. Alby knew something of her past that she doesn’t even know. Did she know Thomas before the maze? Her head was starting to spin, her whole life seemed like a mystery to her. 

“Why did you do this?” Alby’s tears came out more as he stared at Taylor and Thomas. “Why did you two come here?”

There is a lot of commotion outside the tent. The whole group goes outside to see what all the ruckus is when they are met with something of their nightmares. 

That night the maze entrance does not close leaving the Grievers to pour into the glade. It was a war between the Gladers and the monsters. Every one who knew Taylor knew about her fears. One of her fears was spiders, and to her these Grievers looked like gigantic, scary, spiders. Taylor and the rest of the gang tried their hardest to fight against the demons but some won. Some of your group including Zart and the beloved Alby passed due to the fighting. It was a struggle to fight and to try to win. Taylor kept close to Thomas, making sure he was safe before her in any of this. 

As the fight finished Taylor looked around her. The home she knew all these years was broken, it was devastating. All their produce was gone, everything was up in flames. But Taylor did not blame Thomas for any of it, instead she embraced his actions knowing things were gonna change soon. 

Gally came furious to Thomas and punched him, blaming him for all the mess and how the Grievers are now angry with the Gladers. In an attempt to regain his memories, Thomas stabs himself with a  Griver stinger. 

“No! Thomas what are you doing?” Taylor called out to him, catching him as he fell after the impact of the sting. 

She waits, and waits. Since Thomas was knocked unconscious because of the sting, Gally made it that Thomas was put in a cell. So Taylor waited right next to the cell until Thomas woke up. She kept looking at him and then at her necklace. She felt like all this time she knew Thomas, something within her made her feel some sort of attraction towards Thomas. Like if they were meant to be. 

Thomas woke up, his eyes shooting open as if he were amazed or surprised. 

“Thomas you’re awake!” Taylor shoots him a smile as she combs back her blonde hair with her hands. “I have some bad news for you.”

All the while Taylor is telling him how Gally is going to sacrifice him and Teresa, Thomas cannot stop looking at her with a face. He just stares into those blue eyes, knowing full well the whole story, the reason for that necklace. He knows about her past, her memories. But he chose to keep that inside...for now. 

“Are you okay Thomas?”

“Why do you never give up on me? Like, here, you always takes my side, are always by my side, why?”

Taylor just shrugged, “I don’t know. I just feel comfortable and safe around you. Someone who makes me feel that way couldn’t be bad.”

Thomas smiles and puts his fingers through the cell spaces. Taylor grabs his fingers and with a heart warming grin opens the cell for him. 

Without Taylor, Thomas goes to the other to tell them about what he remembered. As Gally tries to sacrifice Thomas and Teresa, the other Gladers free them and are on their way through the maze. 

Taylor is very much afraid, going through the maze. She is afraid of the what she calls spiders, but the Grievers. As she walks through with the others for the first time Thomas holds her hand in his. 

“I’m here Tay. I’m gonna protect you.”

That made Taylor feel at more ease. As Taylor and the group come face to face with the monsters, Thomas saves and protects Taylor. They make it past through the Grievers, some from the group have passed but the survivors stumble upon a laboratory. 

“What in the hel* is this?” Taylor asks as she and the others see dead scientists and technicians there. “It looks like there was a shootout here or something.”

Suddenly a woman in a video recording shows up. Her name is Ava Paige, she starts explaining that the planet is broken by a solar flare, and then there’s the deadly virus called the Flare that if someone were to have it, it would affect the brain. The Gladers, Taylor, are immune to the flare. She then learns how all this, the maze, the chaos, all the hel* that they were put through was for an experiment. It was to study their brains as it worked as a resistance to the virus. Taylor feels as if she knows the woman, she keeps an eye on her while Thomas stares at Taylor, knowing the full story. 

Taylor can see in the background of the video, these men start coming out in these mercenary clothing and start shooting the others there. Dr. Paige lifts a gun to her head and before she shoots herself she utters these last words, “and remember, W.C.K.D is good.” She pulls the trigger and shoots the bullet in her head. 

Taylor shouts in surprise and puts her face to Thomas’s chest. Thomas pats her back lovingly and looks completely shocked, not knowing what the next step is.

 As Taylor looks back she sees, “Gally?” The whole group turns around and sees that Gally is there. It appears as if he has been stung from a Griever. He has a gun in his hand, his body starts shaking as he starts to tear up. 

“Gally...stop what you are doing. We can talk about this.” Taylor tries to reassure him as she puts her hand in front of Thomas to protect him. 

“We can’t leave.” Gally starts as he shaking his head. 

“We did Gally, we’re out.” Thomas says as he’s on alert mode. Nobody knowing what Gally is going to do next. “We’re free.”

“Free?” Gally laughs as he looks around. “You think we’re free out there? No, no there’s no escape from this place.” He then lifts the gun at the group. Every one gasps and walks back. Thomas tries to reason with him. “Gally listen to me. You’re not thinking straight. You’re not.”

Taylor turns around to see Minho tighten his grip around his spear. 

“And we can help you,” Thomas pleads. “Just put down the gun.”

With his gun pointing directly at Thomas, Gally cries, “I belong to the maze.”

“Just put down the gun,” Thomas says again. 

“We all do,” Gally says as he’s about to shoot. 

“Gally!” Thomas and Taylor scream as Chuck goes in front of Thomas and Taylor. Every thing happened at the speed of light. The gun was shot but Minho threw his spear directly into Gally’s chest. Every one is scared and shocked at the sight before them. Gally is struggling to breathe as he falls atop the broken pieces of glass. Just as Taylor thought everything was going to be okay Chuck starts to breathe differently. 

“Thomas,” Chuck says as he looks at him and Taylor looks down to his chest to see the bullet shot Chuck. 

“No, oh god please no,” Taylor starts crying as Thomas catches him before he fell to the floor. 

“Oh shi*, oh shi*,” Thomas panics as he runs his hands up and down Chucks face and chest, not knowing what to do with the wound. “Look at me, Chuck just hang on.” Thomas tries to talk him into staying alive, giving him words of encouragement. Taylor’s vision starts to become blurry from all her crying. 

As Chuck struggles to breathe he hands Thomas the carving he did that he was going to give to his parents. He is now entrusting that Thomas finish the quest. 

“No, Chuck you’re gonna give that to them, remember? You’re gonna live, my sweet Chuck.” Taylor voice comes out in broken sobs but at the same time her voice is soothing and comforting. Her hands go to stroke Chuck’s curly hair, wanting his death to be as peaceful as possible. 

“Thank you,” Chuck smiles as he looks up to Taylor and then Thomas. His breathing is loud and then...it stops. Those were Chuck’s last words. 

“Chuck? Chuck, hey. Hey, Chuck c’mon! Oh my god!” Thomas sobs as he sees his friend die right in front of him. His eyes still open as he fell asleep in death. Taylor looks up to see the rest of the group crying as well. She starts by putting a hand on Thomas’s back but she as well is sobbing vigorously. “Oh Chuck.”

Suddenly, a door opens and a bright light falls through the room. These men start running in as Teresa calls out for him. Thomas does not care, his tears and crying are all that comes out of him. Taylor puts her hand on her mouth and closes her eyes as she cries some more. The men come in and take the others away, but the pull Taylor and Thomas away from Chuck’s body. As they try to take Thomas away Thomas wiggles out of their grasp and crawls away to Chuck’s body. They pull him away as he cries to let him go. Taylor and the rest run out into a whole landscape of sandy dunes. Every one is ushered into a helicopter. As they throw Thomas in, Taylor grabs him and sits next to him, holding his hand. The masked man reassures the others that they are safe. The helicopter flies up and down below is the maze. Taylor opens her mouth in shock as she sees what the maze truly looks like. All her life that’s all she’s ever know. She was afraid to see what life was like after all this. 

“Relax kid, everything's gonna change,” the masked man says. 

Taylor looks out the window to the new possibilities, to the new future of her life. 

It had been a couple of years since Taylor was rescued, along with other Gladers, from the maze. They are all taken to a facility by a man named Mr. Janson. He tells the group that the building is a safe haven, it will protect them. That they are protected by WCKD, the virus and the after math of the virus...cranks. He also gives food, clothes, and sanitation. There are also others from different mazes present there.

Taylor met one girl that was also in her shoes. She was part of a maze as well. She was also bigger than most of the girls so Taylor and her had a lot in common. Her name was Jessica. On the first night that they stayed, Taylor felt afraid and unsure but Jessica made her feel welcomed and safe. 

(this is Jessica: oc, models name is Paloma Elsesser)

During lunch after Taylor would talk with her friends she would then talk with Jessica. 

“Don’t you feel its a little bit...odd.” Taylor asks one day as she stares at the people working at the facility. 

“What do you mean by odd?” Jessica raises her brow. 

“I mean, why would they give us all this? Like what are they really doing behind closed doors?”

“I don’t know about you but I’m happy with having these things. I think you’re just worrying too much.”

Taylor bit her lip as she nodded, “yeah you’re probably right.”

No...Taylor was very wrong. Thomas and another boy from another maze named Aris Jones went to inspect what was really happening behind closed doors. To Taylor it was horrific. She felt that every one here lied to her. They learned that Dr. Ava Paige is still alive and that Mr. Janson is working for WCKD. Taylor even learned that they were experiment on the immunes and Janson has yet to find the Right Arm, which is a resistance group located in the mountains. 

“Tay, they lied to us. All of us,” Thomas says as he tries to convince her. Taylor nods and hugs him. “Don’t worry Thomas, I would never lie to you. And besides we will always find a way out.” She smiles up at him and as they get closer and closer Jessica interrupts, “Oh am I ruining something here?”

Taylor puts her hand on her hip and chuckles, “no you’re not. C’mon I have a lot of explaining to do with you.” 

The group including Aris and Jessica escape the facility. Everyone runs to the doors as they announce on the speakers the count down. Thomas holds Taylor’s hand as they run while Jessica holds onto Newt’s hand. 

As Thomas tries to put the card in to open the door Mr. Janson and his group show up. The door isn’t opening though. 

“Aw shi*, it looks like its jammed!” Taylor becomes worried as Thomas keeps re trying and re trying. 

“Oh my god we’re not gonna make it,” Jessica bits her nails. 

“Thomas!” Yells rat-face. Everyone starts panicking and they start hitting the door while Thomas grabs the gun he’s holding and points it to Mr. Janson. 

“Open this door Janson,” Thomas comes closer with the gun, while Janson holds his hands up in surrender mode. 

“You really don’t want me to!”

“Open the dam* door!” Thomas screams while Taylor and Minho try to go through the door. 

“Listen to me! I’m trying to save your life. The maze is one thing but you kids would not last a day out in the scorch. If the elements won’t kill you, the cranks will. Thomas, you have to believe me. I only want whats best for you.”

Finally Thomas shows Janson’s true colors, he reveals the secret Janson has been keeping. “Yeah let me guess, WCKD is good?”

Janson becomes agitated and he lets his arms down, “you’re not getting through that door Thomas. 

“Its unlocked!” Taylor shouts as the door starts to move upward. On the other side you are met with Alvis and Winston. “Hey guys.”

“C’mon,” Frypan says as he runs out. Everyone goes except for Taylor. Taylor wants to wait for Thomas so she moves next to him. “C’mon Thomas we have to go! Lets go!” Thomas starts shooting Janson and his men as he backs up with Taylor. The gun stops working and he throws it to the men. As Thomas turns around to run away he grabs Taylor’s hand and they run together to the door with Janson and his men following them. 

Janson says in his watch, “shut the main vault door. Shut the main vault door!”

As Taylor and Thomas are running to the door, the door starts to close. 

“No!” Shouts Teresa. 

Taylor grasps Thomas’s hand so hard as she runs for dear life. 

The group starts to shout at the two of them, “C’mon Thomas, Taylor! C’mon!”

The door almost closes as Taylor and Thomas slide under the small gap that was left. The two make it leaving Taylor so terrified. 

“Oh my god girl you scared me!” Jessica says as she grabs Taylor in a tight hug, helping her get up. “C’mon we gotta go.”

Alvis hits the lock so that Janson cannot get through. As the group is about to leave Winston grabs a gun making Taylor do the same. Thomas sees that Janson cannot get through so he puts his middle finger up, making Taylor laugh. They all run away. Taylor holding onto Jessica’s hand as they make it to the exit. The alarm sounding off. Thomas opens the huge doors and whats shown out there is really a windy sandy place. Taylor’s afraid and she holds onto Jessica’s hand tighter. 

“We got this Tay,” Jessica says with a smile. “We gonna be fine, you’ll see.”

Taylor nods and the group get out and into the scorch. 

Taylor and the rest end up at an abandoned market place. Its dark and very spooky, no light reaching inside at all.

“Wow its so dark, man,” Jessica puts her hands out in front of her to prove a point. 

Minho then starts the generator and as the lights come on it looks as if people were here before. There are tents and blankets resting on the floor, lights that are strung above the items. More lights keep turning on, lamps, small lights, they keep flashing on. Minho smiles thinking every thing is fine until a, what seems to be a woman, comes slamming on the fence door. Her mouth and eyes are pitch black and she has veins all over her face. 

Minho and Taylor scream in unison, “Thomas watch out!”

“What the hel* is that?” As Taylor stands next to Minho, bringing Thomas back. As those words left her mouth there was more screeching behind them. Taylor, Minho, and Thomas turned around and out came a whole group of them. 

“Oh my god theres more!” Taylor said backing away, her backpack behind her carrying her gun.

One of them came limping to the group but Minho picked up a sledgehammer and smacked the thing with it. 

“What the hell is that thing?” Minho asks, his flashlight shining on them. Out in the distance more of them came, “C’mon we gotta go! We gotta go!” Thomas shouted, pulling Taylor by her jacket with him. Running out the double doors the Cranks are right behind them. Taylor helps the boys to close the door before the crank could come in. 

“Hold it down!” Shouts Minho. 

“What?” Thomas asks. Taylor sees Minho is having some trouble pushing the huge cabinets to cover the door so she goes next to him and helps push. “Watch out Thomas!” Taylor exclaims as the cabinet falls to cover the door. 

Now, cranks are coming out of every corner. “Oh shi*,” Taylor mutters as Thomas grabs her hand and they all run away. Making it up the escalator Taylor follows Thomas but she slips and her foot gets caught in the escalator. Thomas and Minho almost up ahead don’t take notice of her fall. Taylor, panicking tries to take her foot out but it is really stuck. She turns her head back and sees the cranks coming closer. “Thomas! Minho!” Her screams echoes through the building and Thomas turns around not seeing Taylor. 

“Minho wheres Taylor?!?”

Minho shrugs and his eyes widen. “Crap c’mon!” 

Thomas ran like he has never ran in his life, he ran faster than ever in the maze. “I need to help her. Please, oh god please, please be okay.” He thought in his head thinking about Taylor. 

Taylor, still shouting sees the cranks coming closer and closer. She starts to tear up, this is it, this is where she dies. As the cranks are almost to her Thomas and Minho make it and see that indeed her foot it stuck. 

“Oh Tay this may hurt,” Minho winces as he sees her foot, but then he quickens as he sees how many are behind them. “Shi*”

Thomas grabs her hand, “don’t worry Tay, I’m right here. I won’t let anything happen to you.” His other hand is tending to her foot. 

Taylor smiles and puts her head back along with her hands. “I’ll hold them off boys.” She pulls her gun out and starts shooting those that are almost to them. 

“Okay but she’s a badas*,” Minho chuckles seeing even though Taylor hurting she still manages to get the work done!

“C’mon,” Thomas says as he is getting frustrated. Finally they set her free and she sprints in front of Thomas, him still holding her hand to make sure she is safe and with him now 100 percent of the time. 

“I told you we got you,” Thomas smiles as they now run so fast away from the cranks close up on them.

As Taylor, Minho and Thomas sprint ahead they see the rest of their group. 

“We have to warn them!” Taylor said as she started to wave her hands to get their attention and to show panic. 

“Hey!” Shouts Thomas. The rest of the group look at the three running and they wear a curious face. The three yell all different things, warnings, to run, to go away. 

“Why aren’t they moving?” Minho asks as he runs ahead of Taylor. Then Taylor sees their horrified face when they see the cranks running ahead. The others start running as the cranks get closer to Taylor. Taylor, already tired keeps her head in the game. Jumping over man boxes laid on the floor so as not to lose the momentum. A back pack is thrown to Thomas and Taylor assists him in putting it on. The group now rejoined, they make their way up another escalator. As they make their way up a crank appears out of nowhere and the others are scared and taken aback. Aris gets his bat and hits the crank with it. More cranks appear and the group is split up for only a short while. Teresa is split with Thomas while Taylor is put with the others. A crank comes at Taylor and Newt and as it is about to get the two of them Taylor pulls out her gun and aims straight at the cranks head, pulling the trigger. “Bulls eye,” Taylor smirks. Everyone meets up again as they try to make it to the exit. Newt again gets tackled by a crank and Thomas saves him. A whole group of cranks start appearing from the distance to the group of Taylor’s. Everyone runs to a small corridor that is nearby. It is tight and compact and no one knows where they are going. The cranks go into the tiny space as well. Everyone freaks out. 

“C’mon guys move it!” Taylor shouts as it is hard for her to manage in that tight space. They make it to doors but as Thomas and Minho try to open them up they cannot because they are locked. 

“Are you serious right now?” Taylor panics as she combed her hair with her fingers. 

Minho and Thomas try to open it up and Winston shouts, “I’ll hold them back.” He pulls out his gun while Taylor does the same. She stands next to Winston and starts shooting the cranks. Winston smiles at her and she nods, grinning. Frypan finally opens the door and Thomas grabs Taylor’s hand to go through the door first. As Winston tries to go out he gets caught by some cranks and as they try to take him out of the grasps of the cranks the cranks start scratching him on the stomach. Taylor with Minho and Thomas try to close the doors but Thomas sends Minho away. 

“Go Tay, I got this, go.”

“No I’m not leaving you. We do this together.”

Thomas looks at the cranks and at the right time he grabs Taylor’s hands and they both run away together. 

They all spent the night under some debris just waiting for the right time to make a run for it. 

When they all wake up, Thomas looks out to see if it is safe to leave. In the light of the morning sun Taylor peers around her surroundings and sees how city is in ruins. 

“WCKD is probably still looking for us. We have to move.” Taylor says as she stretches and grabs her gun. She grabs Jessica’s hand and brings her up for a stand. 

As the group trudges along through the sand Winston’s infection is getting worse until he falls down. Taylor can see the pain evident on his face, she feels so sorry for him. She wanted him to make it. She looked at the others face and some knew but some had hope. That was good for him in that moment, to have hope. 

“I’m not gonna make it,” Winston says in a rough, hoarse voice. His breathing is starting to quicken. Everyone looks at each other, not knowing what to do. “Please don’t let me turn into one of those things.”

Taylor feels a tear fall down her cheek, her heart breaking at what she is seeing. Winston pulls his hand out as if to hand something to him. 

Everyone is frozen but Newt goes and takes the gun. Thomas thinks that he’s going to shoot Winston but he doesn’t. Instead Newt gives him the gun, it will be on Winston’s time to do that to himself. 

“Thank you,” Winston manages to say. “Now get out of here.”

“Goodbye Winston,” Newt swallows the pain as he looks into his eyes. 

Everyone leaves until its just Taylor and Thomas. Thomas’s eyes become glassy as he looks at a dying man. “Its alright,” Winston reassures him in his last moments. 

“I’m sorry,” Thomas whispers. 

Winston’s last words were, “Thomas, take care of them okay?”

Thomas nods and leaves with Taylor. 

As they go and move away a gun shot is heard through out. It echoes in the world. Everyone pauses and just takes a time to gather themselves up and proceed. Taylor still has tears coming out but she doesn’t want to make a scene so she tries to compose herself and wipes her tears away. 

Thomas sees this and holds her hand, “hey you know, its okay to cry.” He said it more as a statement then a question. Taylor brought him into a hug and cried into his shoulders, feeling mentally tired and emotionally. But she was determined to make it to the end.  

Night came and so did sleep, but as the group was in slumber Thomas woke up to a civilization in the distance, but they are also greeted by a thunderstorm. They run to an abandoned building for shelter but as they are running Jessica slows down. Minho helps and tries to save her by helping her in running but he gets struck by the lighting. 

“Minho!” Jessica and Thomas cream in unison. As they take him to the shelter he does indeed survive. Jessica hugs him lightly, not wanting to hurt him and smiles, “thanks Min Min for saving my as*, I am a god dam* slow runner. For real though, thank you.”

They are greeted with chained up cranks. One after enough coming at them but not quite yet making it. 

“I see you’ve met our guard dogs.” A new voice calls out. It is a girl, she walks up to all of the group and smiles, “you guys look like shi*.”

“Hel* I like her already,” Jessica chuckles but Taylor hits her lightly on the chest. “Ow, what she seems pretty okay.”

“We don’t know what she’s like,” Taylor whispered to Jessica. 

“Don’t worry I don’t bite, the names Brenda.”

They meet Brenda and Jorge who lead a dangerous group of survivors. Brenda and Jorge learn that Thomas and his group had come from WCKD and are looking for the right arm they agree to take them to them. 

Moments later WCKD arrives and storms the place but Jorge’s bombs go off and the facility is destroyed. Taylor and Thomas split up. Taylor ends up with Jorge’s group while Brenda and Thomas are left behind. 

Thomas P.O.V.

Thomas and Brenda escape the cranks but Brenda gets infected by one. Thomas gets another flashback and remembers when he was working for WCKD. He tried to warn Teresa and Taylor about WCKD’s plans but they were all separated by WCKD’s troops. 

Thomas ends up kissing Brenda but as he is kissing her he thinks of...”Taylor.” he breathes out. 

“What,” Brenda asks as she stand back. 

“You are not her.” Thomas wanted that kiss to be Taylor. That was it, he knew he was in love with Taylor. 

Thomas P.O.V. end

Thoma and Brenda meet up with Taylor and the rest of the group again. Taylor runs to hug Thomas and puts her hands on his cheek, “oh my god. I thought something terrible happened to you.”

Thomas grins and puts his hands on her cheeks, “I’m fine, along with the help of her.” He points to Brenda and Taylor’s heart almost shatters. She can see something, some type of affection going on between the two. 

Taylor nods her head while putting up a fake smiles, “oh thats good. I’m glad you both made it out safely.” She puts her hands down and walks away. First she had to deal with Teresa now Brenda. She clenched her fist knowing how this ends. It will end with either beautiful girls getting the guy and Taylor getting no one. With big girls thats how it always ends. 

Jessica finds Taylor sitting away from the group. “Hey Tay Tay, whats wrong girl?”

Taylor just shrugs, “I know Thomas so well already.”

“What?” Jessica asks as she sits beside her. 

“I feel like I’ve known Thomas, like I’ve known him forever...Jess...I’m in love with Thomas.”

“Oh shi*,” Jessica mutters. 

“Yeah, oh shi* is right and I know he either likes Teresa or Brenda way more than fat old me.”

“Don’t say those things,” Jessica puts her arm over Taylor’s shoulder. “You are way more than that you hear? So what if you got a little junk in the trunk you are special Taylor. You did what other big girls no, what other girls think is impossible. You escaped that maze you escaped WCKD you did so many incredible things. You are kind and sweet but ooh but do you have sass! If Thomas cannot see all the amazing things I see or for who you really are than girl, he is not meant for you. You are a diamond in the rough sand paper sand.” Jessica picks up a pile of sand and this makes them both laugh. 

(not my gif! do not own)

“Thanks sis, I needed that,” Jessica helps Taylor stand up and they both embrace. 

“What a beautiful embrace, are we celebrating cause we’re not dead ladies?” Minho jokes, waiting patiently for the two of them. 

“Can I get some of that action?” Frypan chuckles as he playfully hits Minho like am I right?

The two side eye them, “No boys were are celebrating us big women...we can do anything, and that boys is a fact.” Taylor and Jessica walk hand in hand back to the group. 

Jorge interrogates Marcus, a survivor works for WCKD, into revealing the whereabouts of The Right Arm.

The group goes and finds their way arrive at the right arm relief camps. There are other survivors there and they are greeted by a man named Vince. He is the leader and decides if Thomas’s group can stay or not. 

Brenda’s infection worsens and Vince threatens to shoot her. But a former scientist that worked for WCKD stops Vince. “Hello Thomas and hello to you too Taylor.”

“You know me?” Thomas asks the stranger. 

Taylor’s face becomes of confusion, “wait how do you know us?”

“Interesting...it makes sense they put you two in the maze.”

“Thomas, what is she talking about?” Taylor raises her brow. Thomas knows and he looks away. “How does she know who I am? How does she know I was in the maze?” Taylor tries to look into his eyes but he looks away, almost ashamed. “Anybody?” When she looks at the others they too are not looking at her. Jessica pats Taylor’s shoulder. 

“Though I must admit,” the scientist kept going. “I was worried they’d kill ya after what you did.”

“After what you did, Thomas what does she mean?” At this point Taylor was getting furious, she felt like she was invisible. The stranger went to Brenda and tended to her. But she could see that Taylor and Thomas were both searching for answers. 

“What I did?” Thomas asked. 

“The first time we spoke you said you couldn’t take it no more. Watching your friends die one by one. The last time we spoke you gave me the coordinates of every WCKD compound, trial, and lab.”

“He was our source,” said Vince. 

“They couldn’t have pulled this off without him,” the scientist praised Thomas. “Take her [Brenda] to the tent. Get these guys some warm clothes.” They carried Brenda away. As Taylor went to ask Thomas what happened she saw the glances Teresa kept giving Thomas. 

Jessica saw that Taylor’s face was of anger so she placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “hey you think you’re gonna be alright?”

Taylor looked into her brown, haze eyes and nodded, “you know me Jess...I’m always alright.”

Jessica smiled and left her. Taylor grabbed harshly both Thomas and Teresa behind one of the tents. “What the hel* was all that back there?” Taylor shouted as anger entered into her. 

“Please Tay, let me explain.” Thomas tried to calm her, putting both his hands on her shoulders. 

“Please, make it quick. Why was she talking about us like she knew us? And you kept giving Teresa a look?”

Teresa looked down and then at Taylor, “Back then before the maze, you had worked for WCKD...”

Taylor’s face became of sadness and disbelief, “no thats not true. That can’t be-”

“It is Taylor,” Thomas whispered as he grabbed her hands. “Before the maze, you, Teresa, and me we all worked for the maze. Sticking our friends in a death maze, we did that. We worked for them. I went, when we were still working for them, to you two and tried to warn you both about WCKD but we were all separated, you were first Taylor, you were first to be put in the maze. Also, when we were working for them me and you were very close to each other...Where do you think you got that necklace?”

Taylor peers down to her chest and sees the necklace, her eyes start to water. Thats why the first time she saw Thomas she felt like she knew him. “You knew all this time and din’t think to tell me? You told her, my story, to her, and not even to me! Why would you keep something like that from me, Thomas?”

Thomas felt ashamed and guilty, “I don’t know Tay, I just-”

“He wanted to protect you,” Teresa butted in. Taylor pointed a finger at Teresa, “I don’t want to be rude, but you better but out right now or so help me god.”

Teresa walked up to Taylor, face to face, body to body, “Or what, Tay? What are you really gonna do to me? Thomas was just trying to protect you, if you really cared about his friendship then you would forgive him and you would accept the decision he made. 

“Yeah Teresa you’re are forgetting one thing, who was the first to be in that maze between us? Who had to live every breathing moment in there with just herself as the only female, and who had to accept that she may never see her family again because she doesn’t even know her history? That information was mine, Teresa, I should have, no, I needed to know that. So protect your boyfriend or your crush but nothing you say will make it better that he kept my life from me.” Taylor pushed Teresa to Thomas and went to go find Jessica. 

The scientist woman comes to Thomas and tells him he needs to give his blood. The scientists lady is Mary Cooper. As Mary halts Brenda's infection using an enzyme cure, Mary explains that the enzyme can only be harvested from an Immune's body, not manufactured, and that arguments over the methods of manufacturing the cure with Ava lead Mary's departure from WCKD.

After the argument they all had and Thomas helped Brenda Taylor saw Teresa climb these rocks. Taylor felt more angry when she saw Thomas climbing them to get to her, to see whats wrong with her. Taylor went and followed them to eaves drop on their conversation. 

“You okay?” Thomas questioned as he made it to the top and looked at Teresa. Taylor was hidden behind one of the boulder listening. “What are you doing up here?”

“Just thinking.”

“Well I’ll let you be alone.”

“Do you remember your mother?”

“Uh, I think so,” Thomas thought for a while on that question. 

“You remember mine? She’s a beautiful woman. Every body loved her, before WCKD she was all I had. When she got sick, I didn’t know what to do. They just kept her locked up, hidden. I thought she’d get better. Every night she’d make these awful sounds, like screaming. And then one night she just, stopped. It was finally quiet. I went down to her room, there was blood everywhere. And she just sat there calm. She said she was feeling better. The visions were calm, she’d taken care of them. She took her eyes out Thomas. There are millions of people suffering out there. Millions of stories just like mine. We can’t turn our backs on them. I won’t. 

Taylor’s mouth opened in shock, “please no please no.”

“What are you saying?” Thomas hoped she was talking nonsense, he hoped she did not do the thing that they were all running away from. 

“I’m saying I want you to understand.”

“Understand what?”

“Why I did it.”

In the distance there are helicopters and Taylor’s heart sinks, “oh my god they’re here.”

“Teresa...”

“Please don’t fight them Thomas.”

“What are you doing? What have you done?”

Thomas runs down and Taylor sprints in front of his path, “this way Thomas.” Even though Taylor was mad at him still she needed to protect him, she needed to protect her friends. She grabbed onto his hand and they both ran to the others to warn them, but they were too late. The helicopter shot a explosive and the camps blew up, “No!” They both scream in unison. 

There was an ambush by WCKD. As some warned others, other were dead. 

“Tay!” A high pitched scream came out as Taylor looked around she saw Jessica run to her. “Oh my god I thought they got you too.” They both hugged and tried to run away. But there were so many of the WCKD that Taylor knew she had to do something. “Jessica, listen to me, be careful.” Taylor whispered the words to her as she pushed Jessica to Thomas and stood next to Minho. 

“Go guys we got this!” Minho says as he and Taylor start shooting. 

“No, guys come back here,” Thomas shouts over the commotion. They all hide behind a couple of boxes. Just as Minho is re-loading his gun WCKD shoot a device on him that makes his still. 

“Minho!” Thomas screams as Jessica and Newt pull him back. 

“No!!!!” Taylor shouts as she starts shooting uncontrollably but someone from WCKD comes behind her and hits her with the back of their gun, making her fall down and they put the device on her. 

“Taylor!” Thomas and Jessica scream. Jessica gets up and, without any weapons tries to fight WCKD but they shoot her in the stomach. 

“NO!!!” Taylor screams at the top of her lungs. Her heart just breaking. She starts to sob as she tries to crawl to her friend. “Oh my god oh my god,” was all she could say. 

“Its okay Tay Tay, its okay. I’m sorry, I just tried.” Blood spilled and poured from her mouth and her breathing stopped. “No please no Jess, c’mon Jess please Jess. Please don’t go Jess!” Taylor shouted as she held onto her but WCKD dragged Taylor away from the body, her screams so high pitched it hurt anybodies ears. “Please don’t please, Jess!

“Tay, Minho,” Thomas shouted as he tried to get to her and him. But Vince stopped him. Thomas was crying as he looked at Taylor getting taken by WCKD. Taylor felt like her life was gone and she was already dead. As Taylor went inside the helicopter she was greeted by Ava Paige’s presence, Dr. Paige looked beyond and saw the survivors, she saw Thomas. With an evil eye she glared at him. 

Thomas P.O.V.

The whole place is a disaster. Everything is ruined. Most of the tents were burned up and the survivors are looking for any materials or items that they could save. 

“What do we do now?” Asks Frypan as he looks to the distance, trying to collect himself. 

“I would pick up whats left of us.” Scans Vince as he tries to see if there are others. “Stick to the plan, we take you kids to the safe haven. And we start over I guess.”

Thomas shakes his head and stand up, putting his backpack on. “I’m not going with you.”

Vince looks surprised, “What?”

“I made a promise to Minho and Taylor, I promised that I would protect her. Now she’s probably stuck somewhere scared, afraid, I mean she just saw her best friend die, right in front of her eyes. She means the world to me Vince, I can’t forget about them...I can’t ever forget about her. I have to go after them. ”

“Hey kid look around you,” Vince said, spreading his arms. “A’ight, WCKD just kicked our as*. Think about where you’re headed.”

 “I’m not asking anyone to come with me.”

“Thomas listen to me,” Newt motions to him, caring about his friend. “I’ve known Minho and Taylor for...for as long as I can remember. So if there’s any way we could help, trust me I would be standing there next to you. This what you’re talking about, is impossible.”

Jorge and Brenda appear and Jorge says, “more like suicide.”

“Maybe,” Thomas shrugs. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. It’s not just about Taylor and Minho. Its about all of us. Its about everyone WCKD’s ever taken, everyone they will take. They’ll never stop, they’ll never stop. So I’m gonna stop them. I’m gonna rescue Taylor...and I’m gonna kill Ava Paige.”

Everyone looks at each other rethinking the situation. Harriet speaks up, “I have to admit, I’d like some revenge.”

Vince sees the expression of everyone and decides to just give in and help, “wow its a good speech kid, so whats your plan?” Everyone looks to Thomas for answers. 

Thomas P.O.V. end

“Hey Minho, Minho...,” Taylor shook the boy as they were in the train to who knows where. “You hear the birds?” Minho from all the torture was already being a totally different person. Taylor wanted to lift his spirits, but on the inside she felt empty and had no hope of being saved. Minho searches for the noise Taylor was talking about and then he does hear it all of a sudden, he turns around to see Taylor copying the noise of a birds chirping. She smiles at the end and makes Minho laugh. 

As she is standing there, all their hands tied by chains, Taylor sat next to Minho. Taylor coughs a little and then starts singing, “I thought I heard the old man say; leave her Johnny leave her. Tomorrow you will get your pay; and it's time for us to leave her.” Music was such an important aspect in her life, it made her feel happy and made her feel as if she could fly. “Leave her, Johnny, leave her! Oh, leave her, Johnny, leave her! For the voyage is long and the winds don't blow. And it's time for us to leave her.” As she sang the last note she looked around to see the other kids there and Minho smiling. “You have a beautiful voice Tay,” Minho chuckled, nudging you. “Wait do you hear that?”

Taylor’s eyes search up and her head turns in his direction. It was the sound of a running car. “Yeah I do!”

Moments later there are footsteps heard up ahead on the trains roof. Taylor and Minho smile at each other, hopeful. 

Then the train starts to stop, Taylor and Minho falling forward from the harsh movement. Then a familiar voice is calling out, the others on the train are excited and start screaming for them to be rescued. 

“Taylor! Taylor! Minho!” The voice calls out to them two. They look at each other and answer with a crying yes. But are never rescued, they are instead taken back to WCKD to be tortured more. 

By many doctors Taylor is put in this machine that hooks up to her head. “Please no, not again, please.” They don’t listen to her and strap her in. 

The ocean, the waves calming and relaxing. Taylor is sitting right atop a rock, enjoying a book. In the distance she sees the maze. Her heart starts to beat quickly and she starts to panic. She hates this feeling. Her hands start to tremble. As she looks down in her book the pages start to be covered in blood. Taylor covers her mouth in disgust and tries to throw the book away but it keep landing back on her lap. Then the blood starts to make words. “They are coming for him.”

“Who’s him?” Before she could react a wave crashes on her and brings her in the ocean. She is drowning but then all of a sudden she is in a cell. It is dark, very dark and it is wet and smells horrific. “What the hel*?” Next to Taylor in the cell is Jessica’s dead body, lying there her corpse. Taylor starts to break down and she sobs as she sees her best friend dead. “Oh my god!” But then she hears...it. A griever pops out and tries to get to Taylor but Taylor is separated by the cell. As she is backing away she hears a voice. “Taylor! Taylor!”

“Thomas?” She screams and Thomas meets her, “I’m gonna get you out okay? I will protect you.”

Thomas starts to fight off the griever, by himself and Taylor starts to scream, “No Thomas I need to protect you!” Then Thomas gets stung by the Griever and the griever rips Thomas head off. Horrified Taylor screams on the top of her lungs. 

Taylor hooked to that machine makes her see these things. She screams when nothing is really there in reality with her. The doctors check her eyes and see she has spaced out, she is out of it. She becomes almost brain dead. 

Only a few times does Taylor see Minho and every time she does he is getting worse and worse. She feels so bad for him. Taylor has tried to escape and tried but it never is successful. 

She sleeps in a cold cell, thinking about her friends and about the stars. How much those starts mean to her. She is mostly out of it from all the torture. She is being scarred for life. She lays there until WCKD arrive to bring her to another torture test or to check her vitals. 

As WCKD takes her to a medical room Taylor sees from the side of her eye Minho beating up Teresa. “That bitc*” Taylor mutters under her breath as she sees Teresa got away and they had to hold Minho down. Taylor chuckles, “thats my boy.”

Teresa makes it out but is scared when she sees Taylor, “you traitor!” Taylor gets out of WCKD’s grasp and makes a run for Teresa. Taylor kicks Teresa and knees her in the stomach. Teresa is on the ground, coughing up and hurting. “Yeah feel that, now imagine that 100 times worse.” Taylor lifts Teresa’s face by her hair so Taylor can see her better. “Thats how it felt when you took everything I loved away from me.” Teresa is crying and they pull Taylor back. “I won’t let you do that to Minho. I wont!”

Taylor was taken to be tortured again. Her hands in cuffs as if she were a prisoner. Suddenly, the alarm started to blare. The sirens turning on an alarming WCKD that something is wrong. They still took her into the room and went to hook her up. 

Minho P.O.V.

As Minho escaped the medical room where they were going to sedate him he met up with Thomas and Newt. 

“Minho,” Thomas said, sounding relieved. 

Minho looked to Newt and Thomas, “is this real?” They all smile but then Minho realizes Taylor is about to get tortured now. “Guys Tay’s in trouble, we need to go save her. I know where she is!”

Minho P.O.V. end

They hooked up all the wires to her brain and they were about to start it when there was a loud bang almost outside the door. All the WCKD doctors were scared, alarmed. One stood up and went to go see what the commotion was. There was another bang and then footsteps. Thomas, Newt, and Minho appeared in Taylor’s room and shot everyone there. A female doctor was about to press the button to put Taylor into that machine but Thomas shot her. 

“Oh my god!” Taylor screamed, strapped to her chair. “I can’t believe its you guys!”

Thomas, quickly, unstrapped Taylor and then picked her up so she was standing right in front of him. He felt his heart beating fast, he felt so happy to see Taylor. Here she was living, breathing, right in front of him. It was like a miracle. He sees though the bangs under her eyes and how she looks drained, tired. “Oh my god Tay, what did they do to you?”

Taylor started to cry but out of joy and happiness that she was saved, “they tortured me. They,” her cries were sobs now. “They made me believe that it was you, Thomas. You were killed and that to me was the worst torture.” Thomas puts hugs Taylor and puts his hands on her cheek. His face showing worry and sadness that Taylor had to go through that. “Its the worst torture to me because I couldn’t protect you Thomas, I couldn’t save you.” Taylor’s blue eyes looked up to Thomas’s brown ones and Thomas just went for it. 

Thomas leaned in, passionately to kiss Taylor. He brought her closer to him. He put his hands all over her curves not caring about them, just loving the girl for who she is and thinking she is the most beautiful woman on the earth. They both closed their eyes in the kiss and it was hard and passionate, his tongue slipping inside just for a minute. Just to have one taste of her. It was full of love. 

(not my gif! do not own)

Both their foreheads rested on each others and they smiled, “I love you so much Taylor.”

“I love you more, Thomas. I need to say I’m sorry for getting so angry with you not telling me about my past. I get why you did it, you were trying to protect me.” She steps closer to Thomas and takes a hold of his hands while Thomas kisses her lips and forehead. “Its okay Tay, I’m sorry for keeping that away from you. I felt so scared and not sure when WCKD had taken you. You mean so much to me, not Teresa, not Brenda, you.”

Taylor kisses his lips again and sees the boys face in the back. Newt is so over it, rolling his eyes. And Minho looks as if he’s gonna throw up. 

“Are you guys like done. We kinda have to get out of here,” Minho broke the silence. 

Taylor and Thomas chuckle, “wow they are just, wow.”

Taylor nodded, “I know, way to ruin the moment guys!”

Newt rubs his temple, “If I have to see one more kiss I may just leave on my own.” He chuckles at the end. 

Taylor and Thomas laugh and they grab hands and make a run for it. 

As they run they meet some folks from WCKD and they run into a random room. Thomas locks the door. There is someone banging the door from outside, this scares Taylor and she holds onto Thomas for support. “Don’t worry Tay, I got you. I won’t let anything bad happen to you again.”

“Newt c’mon,” Minho goes to a cart and places it in front of the door. 

“Um Thomas, what do we do?” Taylor asks as she sees the huge window in the room. Every one is trying to think of a plan but WCKD  already is using a blade to try to pry the door open. 

“Any ideas?” Minho questions. 

Thomas looks at the window and then back at the group, “maybe.”

“Oh hel* no! You do realize how thick I am, I’m gonna be the first one down there and then you guys will come afterwords and use me as a soft landing.” They all look at Taylor as she said that and she just waves them away, “never mind.”

Every one helps getting a tank through the window. It falls to the water down below. 

“Okay its doable. Just need a little running start.” Thomas says as he goes back. 

“Oh my god are we serious about this? Is he serious? What if that water is shallow, we’ll die Thomas!” Taylor tries to reason with him, her heart thumping out of her chest. They all go next to Thomas, Taylor holding his hand to feel more comforted even though she felt so terrified. 

“You sure about this?” Minho asks, scared. 

Thomas looks at Taylor and shakes his head, “not really.”

Minho rolls his eyes, “nice pep talk.”

“Yeah, I’m bloody inspired.” Newt says too. 

“Ugh we’re gonna have to do it,” Taylor cracks her neck and is prepared, putting on her game face. But the door flies open and Janson comes through, angry. “Fuc* it!” Taylor says as the group runs forward. 

They all jump and through the jump Taylor’s hand is holding Thomas’s. Some one screamed Thomas name and then someone cursed. Taylor just screamed so loud the whole way down. 

As the group is running through the last city they are met up with, “Gally?”

Gally sees Taylor and chuckles, “hey Tay, its nice to-”

Taylor runs to him and punches his all over but Thomas pulls her away, “why are we with this guy? He’s a traitor! He killed Chuck!”

“I know Tay, I know. He’s on our side now. He saved us.” Thomas brings her back and tries to control her. 

“Also Gally was stung and out of his mind when he did that,” Newt said as he put a reassuring arm around her. 

Taylor still feels like she wants to kill Gally, “how the hel* did you survive anyways?”

“I was saved, treated and now I’m helping you guys. Like I said, its nice to see you again Tay.”

“Yeah well I wish I could say the same thing.” Taylor answers back sassy. “What happened here?” 

Explosives go off, there is fire and terror every where. People are screaming, violent. Its like the end of the world it seems to Taylor’s eyes. 

 Then Taylor hears harsh breathing coming from Newt. “Newt?”

Newt sends Minho and Gally away, also wanting Taylor to go. “No, I’m not going anywhere. Thomas, whats wrong with him?” 

Thomas looks down, sad and Taylor’s heart almost drops. “No he can’t no.”

“I do Tay. I have it.” Newt says in an almost reassuring voice. His lips turning black like if they were goop. Alarming Taylor and Thomas that they need to figure out something quick. As Newt is struggling he hands Thomas a silver pendant. Taylor and Thomas assist Newt in walking to a safer place and they end up to an empty area where Newt passes out. 

All of a sudden Teresa’s voice is heard through out the whole city. She explains that Thomas, with his blood, can save Newt if he comes back to WCKD.

Thomas has tears in his eyes and so does Taylor but Newt stands up. Awkwardly like he isn’t himself. 

“Newt?” Thomas says, trying to sound gentle. 

Taylor’s heart was going so fast. She felt that she already knew but she didn’t want to believe it. “Newt, we’re here buddy. We are here for you, shank.”

Newt turns around and Taylor already knew, he had become one of them. Newt looks directly at Thomas, “Newt.”

Saliva coming out of Newt’s mouth and looking like a total different...thing, he charges towards Thomas. Thomas pushes him away making him fall on the floor but he gets back up. 

“Newt its me, its me!” Thomas tries to tell Newt but Newt is not the same person anymore. 

“Newt we wont hurt you!” Taylor tries to get into his head. She pulls Newt away from Thomas throwing him on the floor. Newt tackles Thomas and with the forces of Taylor’s strength and Thomas’s they roll him away. Newt gets up and jumps on Taylor and almost bites her. “Thomas help! Newt stop please! Its me, Taylor!” She is screaming as his mouth is almost a few spaces away from her face. Thomas kicks Newt and Newt falls on his back on the floor. Thomas helps Taylor stand and as they get up Newt utters for them to kill him. 

Newt, again tackles Thomas and Taylor tries to get him off but Newt is too strong. As Thomas utter his name Newt stops. “I’m sorry Tommy, I’m sorry Tommy.”

“Its okay, its okay,” Thomas smiles at Newt. Newt then grabs Thomas’s gun and tries to shoot himself in the head. Taylor quickly grabs the gun away from him. “No!”

Newt grabs his knife and tries to stab Thomas. Thomas struggles to keep the blade from intruding his chest so Taylor puts her hands on the blade to stop him. Her hands are getting cut, slicing through soft skin. Taylor winces at the pain and notices blood dripping from her hands on Thomas’s shirt. The shirt soaking up the crimson liquid. “Please Newt stop.” Taylor pushes Newt off with Thomas punching him in the face. 

As Newt and Thomas fight, Newt trying to stab Thomas they meet up together. Taylor hears the knife slicing through and starts to cry. It didn’t matter who it stabbed, it wasn’t like she cared more for one and not the other. She cared for both of them so much. “Newt, Thomas...” She muttered as she started to sob. 

They hold on more to each other and as they part the knife went into Newt’s chest. “No! No! There has to be so way, please no, please!” Taylor is panicking at this moment, she is uncontrollably sobbing. Her heart breaking more as if that were possible. “No Newt, not my Newt.” 

“Tommy...” Newt whispers, as himself. He falls down but Thomas catches him so his fall would be less painful. “Tay...”

Taylor was right beside him, holding his hands and looking into his eyes. Brushing his honey golden strands back. 

Taylor then remembers the things her and Newt did. Its like a whole book she thinks of. She spent so many years with him she felt not herself. She remembers when they would garden together. Newt would pretend that the carrots were his teeth and do funny faces with them. Taylor would throw dirt on him and say if he were to grow into a flower, he would be the most beautiful flower out there. Whenever Taylor would feel sad or sick, Newt was there for her. Cuddling with her, taking care of her, worrying about her. All those times worrying, when she wanted him to have a great life. Whenever Taylor felt self conscious Newt would always say, “don’t think about those bloody thoughts love, to me you are perfectly splendid in every way.” Then he would end it off with his charming smile. One time Taylor drew a portrait of himself, resting against the tree, so peaceful. Newt smiled and was shocked, calling Taylor the most creative person in the world. “You got my good side also,” he would chuckle with a wink. The most fondest memory Taylor has of her and Newt is that they both would rest and lay upon the tall blades of grass. Laying next to each other but Newt was laying up and Taylor was laying down. Their heads were next to each other. Taylor would sing to Newt, making Newt feel at peace. He always liked her singing. Then would it would come of night Taylor would read the stars and tell him, “I see big things, for the both of us. Our lives will change Newt, you’ll see.” Then she would ask Newt, “if we did make it out of here Newt...where would you go?” Newt would take a while and Taylor would smile, “I’d love to go to the ocean, full of water and...stuff. Who knows?” Newt would look directly into Taylor’s eyes and nod, “I would go anywhere, as long as its with you.” Taylor would grin and give him a huge bear hug. “Don’t worry shank, we’ll get there. We’ll always get there and when we do, we’ll do it Newt, together.”

Taylor cried as she looked at Newt’s dying form. She collected herself and looked directly into his eyes, clasping him hand and running her finger through his hair. As the wind howls low in the night Taylor breathes in and out, (this song is called rainbow by kacey musgraves)  “Oh tie up your bow, take off your coat and take a look around ” She starts singing, knowing Newt would love to hear the peaceful melody. His breathing starts to relax and he smiles, looking directly into her ocean blue eyes. He can’t utter a word but Taylor knows what he would say, “thats bloody good mate” or “wow Tay, to hear that come out of you is amazing, its like everything is possible.” 

“Tay..” Thomas whispers, tears coming out more. The lyrics mean something so important to Taylor. Thomas nods and knows Newt, no, Newt deserves to go away peacefully. 

“Everything is alright now” Taylor sings to him telling him he can let go, he can go now that they will be alright and he does not have to suffer or worry no more. 

The lyrics mean to Taylor so much. This song is for Winston, Jessica...Chuck. All those who passed away for fighting for something they believed in. 

“'Cause the sky is finally open, the rain and wind stopped blowin' But you're stuck out in the same old storm again” Taylor means as she makes up the lyrics as she goes that the sky is opening to welcome Newt, so Newt can see his friends Newt can see Winsont, Jessica, and Chuck. He can play with them and tell them jokes and use his beautiful accent. Taylor starts to shed some more tears knowing she’ll never get to hear Newt say her name again, she’ll never hear his little comments about anything any more. She struggles to sing the other lines but she does it knowing they are important to Newt. 

“Let go of your umbrella, darlin' I'm just tryin' to tell ya That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head Yeah there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head” The umbrella means for Newt to let go, thats its okay for Newt to die. But the rainbow part means that his friends his family were always there for him and they will always be there for him and that they will always remember him. Then he’ll get to see so many rainbows where he’s going, he’ll get to play with them and be himself. 

As Newt gives his last breath Taylor sings the last part, “It all be alright” Newt dies with his eyes open and Taylor closes them and kisses his cheek. “We’re gonna miss you Newt. Have fun my darling Newt...” Taylor and Thomas hug as they sob together. Brenda arrives but she is too late. 

Thomas and Taylor go to WCKD and confront Ava. She keeps insisting that their ways are good. She is then killed by Janson who is infected. As Janson knocks Thomas out Taylor runs away and hides, following them. He takes Thomas to a lab where Teresa is ready to extract his blood. Janson tells though that he and WCKD are only truly interested in curing those whom they please, which results in Teresa turning on him. 

Thomas and Janson fight, making Taylor follow them. Teresa sees Taylor and they look at each other knowing they have to save Thomas. They are all stuck in one room together. Thomas sees that Janson shot him in the gut. Taylor goes to Thomas and kisses his forehead telling him, “we’re gonna help.” Her and Teresa come up with a plan to distract Janson. As Teresa takes charge of the plan and Taylor goes to Thomas to help him out, Janson almost kills Teresa but Taylor and Thomas throw a chair into a lane of glass, releasing two turned workers. Those things kill Janson and with Taylor and Teresa assisting Thomas make it to the rooftop. The aircraft by Jorge and Vince await them there. Thomas helps Taylor get on board first and then Thomas leaving Teresa last. Teresa is about to get on with Taylor’s help as the building collapses, “no!” Taylor and Thomas scream as Taylor tries to grasp Teresa’s hand. Teresa falls to her death. 

The group reunites with the immune and the right arm. They arrive at a safe haven that was revealed by Ava. Its where the rest of the population can live safely. 

That night as Taylor sits by the ocean she feels a paper in her pocket. “What in the world?” She takes it out and unfold it revealing to be the picture that Taylor drew of Newt. “He kept it all this time?” Taylor whispered to herself as tears started to come out. She sees her drawing and as she turns it over she sees that Newt drew her a picture, its of them laying in the tall green grass, smiling and holding hands There is a note there and it says, “To my beautiful friend, you have made my life the best, you have made me feel nothing else but joy. For that I want you to live your life, go anywhere and start your adventures. Remember how I said I would go anywhere with you, well its still true. Wherever you are at this moment, I am there with you, you may not see it but its true. So have fun my beautiful Tay, thank you for having my back and for making me feel like I can do anything. You deserve all the best, I am so proud of you Taylor. Also, you were always my rainbow hanging over my head.” Taylor kissed the letter and dried her tears. “Thank you Newt,” she whispers as the waves crash lightly in the sand and the sun begins to go down.

Taylor goes to where they are carving the names of those who they lost and she pats Minho’s shoulder as he carves out Newt’s name. Taylor kisses her fingers and pats his name, she does the same when she sees Chuck’s and Winston’s name. She grabs the carving tools herself and carves out Jessica’s name, smiling when she finishes it. 

Taylor goes to the group of the others and hugs them, hugging Minho, Frypan, Brenda, even Gally. “I wanted to say, thank you for all that you have done, Gally. I forgive you.” She pats Gally and Gally thanks her. “And I know Chuck forgives you as well.” Taylor says as she smiles. She takes her seat next to Brenda and Thomas arrives hugging everyone. Thomas sits next to Taylor and Taylor grabs his hand kissing it. Thomas smiles and kisses her on the lips. 

He then kisses her forehead and whispers, “I love you so much Tay.”

Taylor chuckles and laces her fingers with his, “I love you more...my Thomas.”

20 Years from that

“Mommy, mommy, c’mon lets go see the fishies,” Taylor’s son called out to Taylor as she ran to him. Standing by the ocean was her husband, Thomas smiling. The others were there as well, there kids present. 

“Wait up Newt! Mommy can’t go that fast!” Taylor chuckled as she ran to grasp her son’s hand and then her husbands. As they walk in the sunset the breeze is nice and cool and Taylor places a hand on her stomach, “I can’t wait to see you soon Chuck, mommy’s excited.” Thomas kisses his son and kisses her stomach and her forehead. “Daddy’s excited too, c’mon lets go see the ocean, I think there’s also a rainbow there.”

Taylor smiles and her family, the family that means everything to her, they walk away going on with more discoveries and more loving adventures. 

Tag list: @harrington-lover, @angelgl16, @perfectlybeautifulsuit, @hyehoney, @wtfisalltherandoms, @haven-prelude (wont let me tag), @leasly, @totally-alexa21, @creamy-pasta-boi, @multireese, @fanfictionrecommendations-com, @prentisskelley, @malereaderforkpop (wont let me tag), @guardian-of-cookies, @justafangirl-97, @teenageshitposts (wont let me tag), @andreaoreas, @dippergravity (wont let me tag), @some-booty, @fromfoolishpeopletodeadpeople, @collectiveyou

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[julianmakesmydickhard]

uncomfortably deep and personal questions

questions here

————

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

thankfully, me and my mom are super close.... we don’t talk about my dad tho

02: Who’s the last person you said “i love you” too?

man, i tell everyone that i love them. i truly love everyone that shows even the slightest bit of kindness towards me

03: Do you regret anything?

yes,

04: Are you insecure?

oh yea. part of it is my introverted, soft spoken personality, and part of it is just how negatively i see myself oop

05: What is your relationship status?

single, unfortunately lol

06: How do you want to die?

painlessly. the pain that comes with death is what scares me the most i think

07: When did you last eat?

lunch!! i had a bomb ass colombian dish,, man do my people know how cook good food

08: Played any sports?

does show choir count?? aggressive dancing with aggressive singing??

09: Do you bite your nails?

nope

10: When was your last physical fight?

i know i say that i want to slap people sometimes, but i’ve never actually done it

11: Do you like someone?

y’all, im always attracted to someone sksksk

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

yup

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

yes, but we don’t talk about him

14: Do you miss someone?

oh god yes...

15: Have any pets?

yes!! i have one lil doggie

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

i’m very tired lol. it’s like 11pm which is v late for me since i have 7am classes

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

nope, bathrooms are gross

18: Are you scared of spiders?

yes, have you seen them??

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

yes, imagine all the things you could change or prevent

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

honestly, it’s been a while, i don’t really remember

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

i’m gonna go see a play that one of my friends is starring in on saturday and then i’m gonna celebrate my birthday with my doggo on sunday

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

ahh, this is such a difficult question. i want to give my kids the childhood that i never got. but what happens if by some circumstance, i give them the childhood i had, and negatively impact their life through it?

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

i just have my ears pierced

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

english and art! math and science are my worst. i guess i function best when i’m able to use the creative and imaginative side of me whereas i fail when logic and reason come into play

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

yes yes yes and yes

26: What are you craving right now?

blueberries

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

no, never

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

yes

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

no. unless something changed in their heart and they, for some reason, felt bad for treating me so badly, and decided to weep, no

30: What’s irritating you right now?

so many things ahhh,, why do i have to be so introverted? why am i so deperate to find love, when it keeps biting me in the butt?.why can’t i make friends as easily as other people?

31: Does somebody love you?

honestly, i don’t think anyone does, maybe only my mother?

32: What is your favourite color?

auburn

33: Do you have trust issues?

oh god i wish i did. i wish i was able to keep people at a distance. i let people in and basically ask them to use my secrets, my insecurities, my whatever, to break me. and then the cycle goes on and on

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

i dreamt about me meeting billie eilish a couple of days ago. it was v nice

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

i don’t know lol, there’s not a lot of people around to see me cry i guess

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

yea, it’s not good i know

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgive

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

no, but it’s definitely not the worst, and i’m thankful for that

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

i don’t remember, but i do know that i was v late to the game

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

god no

51: Favourite food?

colombian food, thai food, japanese food

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

i want to believe this, but sometimes shitty things happen and i’m like wow, there’s literally no benefit or reason to why this happened except to make me feel like shit

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

kissed my doggo goodnight

54: Is cheating ever okay?

if you’re my friend, i’m just gonna say that even if you’ve cheated on someone before, i don’t see you as less of a person or a friend. people make mistakes, and it’s also part of who i am: someone who tried to look past the bad and see the good, ahhh i don’t know how to explain this the right way but i hope you understand my pov. anyways, i’ve been cheated on before and it sucked balls. so no, i don’t think it’s ever ok in a relationship. but i also don’t think that it’s something that should affect your friendship with someone. i think cheating is something that needs to be dealt with among the cheater and the cheated and shouldn’t bleed into your friendship with a random, uninvolved person. but you can totally disagree with me and that’s fine!! everyone is subject to their own opinion based on their own experiences and personalities etc.

55: Are you mean?

i don’t think so!! but then again, i can’t really be the judge of that lol. i try my hardest to be the friend that i’ve always wanted, if that makes sense. i try to be kind, and supportive, and positive, and there for them, etc.

56: How many people have you fist fought?

no one, ive never gotten into a physical fight

57: Do you believe in true love?

it’s not that i believe in true love, it’s that i hope and pray for it. i hope that one day i’ll find it

58: Favourite weather?

cold, cloudy, people walking around in big, fluffy jackets and scarves

59: Do you like the snow?

yes! i saw snow for the first time in my life a couple of weeks ago!

60: Do you wanna get married?

ahhhh,, my parents set a really bad example for good marriage. my parents’ marriage taught me that men can change over time. and that once they’re safe in the bounds of marriage, theyll stop their act, get tired of you, and act like a totally new person. and that... scares me. i don’t want a husband like my dad and i’m so afraid that the same situation will happen to me

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

yes, names like baby, sweetheart, love, honey etc. make my heart weak

62: What makes you happy?

real friends, tight hugs, platonic cuddling, romantic cuddling, acts of service, uplifting words, hand holding, forehead kisses, soft intimacy, need i go on?

63: Would you change your name?

i wold ditch my last name.. can you guess why? i’d love if my middle name became my last name, legally

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

romantically? yea

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

nothing, cuz that kind of stuff doesn’t happen to me

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

no. i try my hardest to only let my friends see the happy side of me. i don’t like burdening them with all the bad emotions i sometimes feel. my complete self would be if i shared ALL of my emotions, the bad as well as the good. but i think it’s better this way, they would most definitely get annoyed after a little bit of time

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

probably my friend tino

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

i don’t remember,, it’s been a long time since i’ve actually talks about truly deep subjects with someone personally,,

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

i want to believe it. i want to believe that i’ll one day find the person of my dreams. the person that fits so perfectly with me and is just so perfect ahhh

70: Is there anyone you would die for?

i don’t know, i’m selfish when it comes to dying. death scares me

[squishyunho]

✨🌙🌒questions tag!!!🌒🌙✨

rules: answer the questions and tag 10 people

tagged by: @celestial-yunho uwu

how tall are you?

156cm uwu im a tiny child

what colour and style is your hair?

my hair is naturally brown hdfjdg which is kinda weird for an asian but yea and it almost reaches my shoulders now!

what colour are your eyes?

theyre brown jskfkjdf just the simple brown yknow

do you wear glasses?

yea jkshfj bad eyesight runs in the family but im not /blind/ without them everything is just blurry

do you have braces?

i used to wear them like last year? i never needed them tho cuz my teeth would’ve been alright without them,,, i just wanted to fix the tiny flaws thats all

what’s your fashion sense?

honestly depends on my mood? you’ll almost always see me with a jacket tho (either wearing it or on my waist) it just feels empty without one ghsjdhd

full name?

fghkfhf i dont feel all that comfortable revealing my real name just yet but!! i will say im named after a famous actress (and my real first name does NOT fit me at all even tho it fits the actress herself perfectly) and my chinese name is 王丽煌 hfgjhshd

when were you born?

november 16 2001 uwu ><

where are you from and where do you live?

the philippines hihi tho im chinese by ethnicity

what school(s) do you go to?

i go to,,, let’s just say it’s a really big university here and im taking up their high school program for arts,,, before that, i went to a chinese school that was really heavy on science and math so DJHGJDS

what kind of student are you?

uhhhh depends tbh i need to vibe with the teacher/subject to participate but my grades are actually pretty great (not in asian standards tho hgjdhg) and i can either be really hyper or really sleepy

do you like school?

i used to HGFJD but idk the education system in general drains your life energy so no not really

fav subject?

literature was fun, and i also really enjoy the art classes,,, and dismissal

fav tv shows?

there’s honestly a lot of good shows that i love but maybeeee rn it’s the avatar series (both ofc cuz theyre both good)

fav books?

i cant choose jfhdgkdg there’s too many good ones,,, 

fav pastimes?

drawing, sleeping, reading, daydreaming, having an existential crisis, giving my dog the love she deserves, listening to music, obsessing over everything to the point it annoys my friends,,, the good stuff yknow

do you have any regrets?

hfkdsf i still cry over 10-year-old events ofc i do

dream job?

tbh idk?? maybe working for a video game or animated film would be cool,,, as long as im happy and earn enough to feed an army of pets 

would you ever like to be married?

well my parents would rip me to shreds if i dont + im a massive hopeless romantic so yes

would you like to have children?

i would lowkey love to but also i dont think ill ever be ready to take care of a small clone of myself

if so, how many?

gdjfdj why are you asking a 17 year old child who has never had a love life this question

do you like shopping?

oh hell yes if you lose me in a bookstore or art store or a clothing store that suits my tastes you may never find me again (until i get tired and want a milk tea break hdfjd)

what countries have you visited?

theres a lot jfgsjf south korea, japan, china, singapore, malaysia, thailand, usa, canada, netherlands, belgium, russia, estonia, sweden, finland, denmark, france, uae, uhhhh thats all i can remember off the top of my head

scariest nightmare you’ve ever had?

im fortunate enough to only remember good dreams hfjsdg but im scared of everything which is why i cant even watch a horror movie or play a phoenix wright game at night or i might get nightmares jsfhf

any enemies?

not,,, really? im scared of arguments so that might be why

do you have a significant other?

nope and have never had one yet shfgjsdf is anyone willing to volunteer?

do you get along with your family?

i doooo uwu im really close to my brothers especially gjfdsd the only disagreements ive had with my parents are conflicting beliefs (theyre more conservative and im more liberal)

do you believe in miracles?

yea uwu

how are you?

alive sdjsdhfs thanks for asking

im too shy to tag anyone (once again hfdgsjdf i need to talk to ppl more)

[ts-autumns-world]

Episode 4: “Tua supremacy babey” - Lily O

I GET TO REUNITE WITH JINX YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

me waking up to see that im in the new tribe: https://media.tenor.com/images/93212119a4887f9fa0ad945c7ae2a5d0/tenor.gif

tbh i expected the swap since like we have 14 rn so its a reasonable number to do a swap before the merge.. but like this swap sucks not only me being the only one from og eener but its also me having to be with these 4 whites ppl. you know i don't trust white ppl except mikki SDFSDFSDFSDF so this absolutely SUCKS. and geekoffilm is on another tribe too.

URGH i hope i can team up with jinx and jude. and joey and i used to play together in CoW so hopefully, i am able to make him want to work with me again.. but monty... monty is very skeptical cause like they could just vote me off now. BUT THEN, i know that either jinx or raffy has the idol for sure, so maybe i need to ask jinx for that. or i just ask the person who i'll be up against with in the tic tac toe to throw a challenge if they are the og eener too. 

much to think about bestie booth. i wanna trust these ppl so bad but i have trust issues

https://youtu.be/JrXnnD5KU0I

---

naur this is the plan if we go to council

imma be like joey

you are the only cis white man on the team

you have to go. 

you wanna be an ally?

THIS IS HOW!!!

so im pushing for u FEWEJFEEFJEFEIFEFIJW 

heS ALWAYS SAYING HE WANTS TO BE A BETTER ALLY

ALWAYS CALLING ME LIKE JINX IM SO SORRY

ILL BE LIKE FOR WHAT?? 

HE'S LIKE FOR BEING A WHITE CIS STRAIGHT MAN. 

IF UR REALLY SORRY ULL LEAVE!

I have to start this out by saying Giraffez, I’m so sorry! I tried my best but too many people wanted to keep us comp strong and wanted Lily O to stay. I really wish we would have had the chance to play longer together but sometimes it’s just not in the cards.

As far as swap goes, I’m really happy about my team. We have a majority from my original group which is pretty wild. I wish Chips was here and I really hope he makes it work somehow but I’m ngl I’m a little worried about him.

I was so so thrilled to see Jinx on Tua with me. I also have started talking with Captain and Jude. They both seem super nice so as always I’m hoping to avoid tribal once again.

I’d like to the think that original Llih (was that how you spelled it?) will stay together but Giraffez told me that Lily O told her that she was voting for me. Now obviously we all voted Giraffez but I think Lily O knows I was plotting. So. I hope we can stick together. But. Yeah. Your girl is worried. And excited. She is excited cause this group seems cool. But nervous because yeah I’m not ready for another vote out. Mkay. Bye.

This swap went pretty well for me all things considered. I still have a bunch of people from my OG Tribe, and the new people seem active and really nice! So, I like my tribe. Blake offered to me today to work together closely in the game which I am down for. The semi-inactive people need to stick together and all that lmao. Other than that, I am straight Vibing

Swap time! honestly its time to kick it into high gear and win this immunity challenge! make some real allies!

HELLO AUTUMNS WORLD!!!!!! So I have arrived in a swapped team with 3 of my old members! SOOO happy Mikki is here firstly since we can discuss basically anything. Blake and Raffy im also cool with but not like as close with them. Maybe a bit more with Blake. Of the new people my fav is Chris !! Already liking our chats and hope it can turn more strategic later maybe!! Ricky is also cool and funny and chips I was allies with him in Kili which is cool but probably the weakest connection of the new people so far!! It looks like we are gonna lose and if so its kinda hard like on one hand we have easy majority to vote off idk probably chips or maybe ricky or we could go against tribal linesI think Blake truly does wanna work with me tho but is just busy. Like going against tribal lines is kinda fun but maybe dumb. And chips being the 1 in a 4-2-1 swap sucks too!! Idk kind of evaluating the vibe with Mikki and will see what we think later if we lose… we would probs be safe regardless being protected by tribal lines on one side and having developed sorta good vibes with Chris and Ricky from the other side so probs wouldn’t be targeted from that angle either?? Hopefully… I did have kind of a delayed start with the new people cuz of irl stuff but yah we will see!

My opinion on swap was initially sad because I was missing out on Jinx/Jude/Joey/Captain BUT then I realize I like this tribe?? Im with Ricky still, Mikki probably is sitting at the cookout as we spesk, Chips is lowkey goody but I got my eye on him, Benj and I bond over Agatha Christie <3, Blake I knew from TDI so we have been goofin like a Goofy movie, Raffy I actually enjoy that we chat of the most mundane things, and that's everybody! I think I have a chance to survive on this tribe

---

My thoughts are that I've got Ricky and Mikki at minimum. I know Mikki/Raffy got beef but I doubt they go for each other. Chips is like a level-headed Joey but I reckon one of him/Blake/Benj will be targeted if I had to guess. Nevertheless me and Captain talked during our matchup and exchanged info. My hope is me or Ricky are in Outhouse but I also hope not so we have higher odds to keep the goodies all goodie and safe

https://voca.ro/18WSqZznajDx

---

I LOVE JUDE

so idk where my last confessional left off but i think it was before tribal. so after tribal, jinx’s manifestations came true, we swapped, i ended up on a tribe with no one i knew except chris, so that was kind of…nnng. but hey, gotta roll with the punches. me and jinx were paired up for the challenge which game me a bit of time to talk with them, and they gave me some insight on ppl i didn’t really know on my tribe, and also they gave me a tarot reading, and it basically said that while i’m probably gonna have to deal with some bullshit, i just have to use everything i’ve learned to get over any obstacles, and stay calm and collected through it all. i’m really really praying for this one, since we just lost immunity, and now chris is going to the outhouse, i’m afraid that i’m truly all alone now. and if there’s one thing that scares me it’s being alone. i really like mikki tho, and i heard benj was good ppl. maybe if i let them know that raffy might have the half idol then maybe they’d be more inclined to work with me, but i also really enjoy raffy’s presence, so i don’t really want him to be a target. blake and i have had a good amount of dialogue so i’m hoping that he’d be willing to work with me, to be honest. ughhhhh why why why tribal. WHY TRIBAL. in all my years of playing tumble survivor i’ve never been sent to like…and exile or redemption island ONCE. not once….ever…. please god let me get to the outhouse just one time.

First of all, lemme just say I'm so amused by how quickly my chances of no-votes went RIGHT out the door. But also thank god that it went off without a hitch! And right before a swap, no less New tribe is definitely iconic. LOVE Jinx, Captain and Jude are cool too, and then my Llih buddies are also v nice to have (shoutouts monty and joey)

Tua supremacy babey

https://youtu.be/oP7DWOnmt40

https://youtu.be/Z3_pyWTdRh8

https://youtu.be/UFshPYJ98z0

hello confessional booth... i'm here to give you um. something i hope!!!! 

well since the swap, i feel like i've managed to fit in better than i expected cause ive been feeling under the weather and i don't rlly have energy to talk to anyone (which is so great that our tribe won this IC) but i rlly need to work on that more for sure..

joey wants to work with me.. like a lot. we worked together for a bit in CoW before he was voted out and he was a great ally to me back then so i think i can trust joey a little bit? and he rlly wants the pocs to go far so i think this is a good sign.

with jinx, we've been wanting to talk about the outhouse thing but jinx wants to call and i've been feeling sick so we haven't called but hopefully we can do that soon. i trust jinx a lot and i know they're gonna take care of me.

jude.. you know i like her since i saw her intro vid so yup gonna need to talk to her more!!!

lily c.. my fellow teacher pls SFSFSDFSD i enjoy our chat a lot like idt its much but every time we talk, with her, it just feels great and nice and like we just get to know each other so far so i hope we can talk game a bit more but we'll see

lily o.. we haven't talked since the day the swap happened. idk why. maybe she's busy or maybe i should dm her first so i think i'm gonna do that tmr my time if i have the energy.

and monty... PLEASE idk if i can trust monty or not. like he's a good friend of mine but my experience in orgs with them is that they tried to break the swp apart (which was smart but then mikki and i are both playing so gotta keep an eyes on them)

i'm just trying to feel good and hopefully recover soon cause i hate being sick. idk i'm scared of covid!!!!! but i haven't gone outside for a week or two methinks so we're gonna pray and see.

---

missing mikki and hope she will be fine

Blake suggested starting an OG Eneer alliance to Mikki and Benj. They took them up on the offer so I guess I am in my first alliance of the game based on arbitrary reasons. In any case, they seem to want to vote out Chips which is a RIP. But whatever keeps me safe for one more round.

I don’t have an obsession with the Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood sketch from SNL... No I clearly don’t... https://youtu.be/whfQf3Pd5bU

It’s my chronic overthinking in this swap that is going to do me in, I feel. It’s the pressure of having to actually think differently, and coming off of EVERYTHING I’ve seen in this community over the past 6 months, oh good Lord have mercy, I feel as though its so hard for me to want to not sacrifice my game, but at the same time... I feel all the pressure in the world to flip. I did have a lucid dream that if I got to a point where I consistently voted only white people at every Council, it would make my game look REALLY good by comparison, since I literally did everything I could, and no, I don’t want to hear anyone post season say this was rigged for Jinx, it’s not, we’re only going to go against each other down the road because of how this season has been set up, and it breaks my heart

https://photos.app.goo.gl/eSvSGkc4zmBfnYVP7

So here's some tea I suppose. I was a pretty big fan of the tribe swap because people talked more in general. This was particularly interesting considering their different timezones but continued ability to keep up conversation. It was pretty apparent that I was at a numbers deficit from my original tribe but my hope was that people didn't want to play like "that" and then if they did that my former tribe would throw it to keep the numbers. Apparently that is not true as Lily C went as hard as possible to win a challenge she could have convincingly thrown as an "accident" multiple times. At any rate, based on the total lack of communication with me concerning who I am voting it is evident that either the plan is to vote someone without telling me or that it is to vote me. This means that regardless of the situation I am in a terrible position and will be leaving sooner rather than later. I don't know that I've been swap screwed in the past (perhaps, I've been playing for too long) but it really stinks. 

For the TL;DR watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzftXB28gBE

 http://www.purplerockpodcast.com/wp-content/uploads/survivor-pearlislands-lillian-morris-no-sir.gif

As I'm writing this, I have a big gulp from... you guessed it... 7/11. I need to flip on one of the three of Monty, Lily O, and Lily C. My best option is going to vote for Lily O, I need Monty and Lily C to know I'm only doing this because yanno, things look awfully awful, and the pressure of making the right move and yet making sure I don't lose relationships is starting to get to me.

I also need them as shields because theyre the only winners in this game, and I need them here as shields for down the road heading into a merge.

I can't even believe I found TWOA IDOLS! I had to think a lot about who to give it too but I decided to do what felt like the smartest thing to do. Jinx and Captain already trust me and I enjoy Ricky but he gives semi chaotic energy. With that in mind, I had to give it to Jude as a sign of faith. Not only am I wanting her to do well, but I want to prove to her I legit want to work with her come merge 😊

https://youtu.be/vOn8Zsi0njA

https://youtu.be/UWTB-LYjbu0

for Chips: https://youtu.be/lSeDZdSEl4o

[rhapsody-in-heaven]

The Diary of Losing You

Day One

I cant believe it, never did we ever talk about breaking up before this .. and now all of a sudden its happening. I cant process it. I cant accept it. Sure, we’ve had fights but I never felt like they were toxic. We never got to that point - we weren’t even close to that point. Was I too stubborn? Did you not like that? Because no matter how much I begged and bargained - you kept telling me, it was over. That you didnt have to explain things to me but you were doing it out of courtesy. But its hard to accept - not only because it was so sudden but because you told me you still liked me - and god knows, i still like you. You told me, you couldnt change and you knew that about yourself and honestly, I kind of admire that. I havent had a lot of boyfriends but the first one I had to accept cuz he stopped liking me - the other two were long over by the time we broke up - there was resentment in our relationship but we didnt know how to let go - so we kept holding on - even when it got so toxic and even when it was obvious we were much better off without each other. But its still hard. Why don’t you think we’re worth a second chance. i didnt even think it was so bad that it needed to be classified as a second chance - just that we were still trying to figure out the kinks with the first one. Even when I told you that if the same situation happens even one more time, you could break up w me - even if it was two weeks later - i wouldnt complain. But you told me that in that case you would just break up with me two weeks later because for you, the relationship was already over. You didnt think we were worth a second chance and that hurts a lot.  I spent hours begging you to reconsider - knowing that you wouldnt - but i still had to try. and then I spent hours after talking to two friends and crying my heart out to them. all i could think about was all the plans we made that would no longer come to pass. I questioned myself if I was missing the thing wed do together or miss you and yeah at that time i was grieving our breakup but grieving more the things that would no longer come to pass. Im used to seeing you once every three weeks but three weeks werent up yet and it still felt relatively normal i guess. but the fact that I also knew the sadness would hit when the three weeks were up also scared me.  sleep was my solace - when i sleep, i dont need to think anymore.  Day Two teaching as usual but then in the times i didnt have to actively teach - i could feel the tears forming in my eyes but its okay, i dont think anyone noticed. but then we had a break between classes and i started to talk to another friend and then i couldnt stop crying. crying so loud that my coteacher heard it and asked what was wrong, and of course needing to explain things out loud with my voice made it that much worse. I could pull myself together for when i was actually teaching the class but - i still miss everything about you. I had my sixth grade class and I was so happy. They were my worst class last year but they did so well on this exercise we thought they would have trouble with - and they did, but with some help they managed to finish, and they did well. The first person i wanted to talk to was you. I felt like all i ever did was complain in our relationship I really wanted to give you the good news. And you were nice enough that you listened to me, and told me that even before, just hearing from me was good news. and that felt incredibly bittersweet. before leaving school my coteacher told me to feel better but all i could think was that i missed you. I had dinner plans that night but they got cancelled - I called my cousin and he talked to me for hours just listening to me cry - and then talk about life - and listening to me cry again. He told me that you probably didnt like the way we communicated and decided to end it before it gets harder later on. I can respect that I said, but its too soon to call it quits - we never even tried. To him, I just wasnt worth trying.  Day Three teaching kept me busy for most of the morning - i didnt have much time to think about you. but after lunch, the sadness began to manifest itself again. I dont think anyone noticed, or maybe they pretended not to. but I started to think back on the times before you moved away. Before we were long distance or even a couple. How you were so good to me. How you made me food. How you stayed with me when i was sad and i just have so many regrets I wasnt adquately able to tell you how i felt about you. How i was constantly unsure about myself but how when you did ask me out, you told me that it was okay that i didnt know - it was okay if i was never able to say i love you because you could feel that saying “love” signified a very strong emotion for me that i wasnt sure i ever felt before, and even with just me saying “like” you knew and could tell that my feelings for you were really deep. Why is it that you miss them so much more when theyre gone? Why do i feel like I shouldve treated you better i shouldve done more and thought of you more and expressed my feelings to you better. but hindsight is always 20/20. I went to pole and then to see my friends at night. we went to karaoke and at this point only one of the two friends knows because i didnt wanna ruin the birthday celebrations coming up of the one who didnt know. Well we were singing “payphone” and she said that we were singing it like someone had broken our hearts and all i could do was pretend to laugh. For the record, I dont think u broke my heart. or i dont blame you. i just wish things ended differently - i wish we were worth another shot in your mind. But all of this, is just wishful thinking. And i know that.

Day Four

its the weekend, and the day we celebrate her birthday. its a rainy day and somehow every little thing reminds me of you. I havent felt like this after a break up in a long time - im not sure if ive ever felt like this after a break up at all. My last two were long over before we ended things and the one before that was the definition of puppy love - sure i thought about him, and maybe its because its been so long but i dont remember every little thing reminding me of him. The rain reminds me of you. I saw a couple walking under an umbrella and remembered that you bought this hella big and expensive umbrella so that we could share it together in the rain. when I was at the aquarium all i could think about was how nice it would be if i was there with you. I saw a boat and i could just think about your job and how youre a shipbuilding engineer. Even looking at myself in the mirror, i thought about how you bought a jean jacket so we could match. I thought about the white tennis shoes we wanted to buy so we could match together when a friend mentioned she needed new white shoes. I thought of all the cute little cafes you took me to when we went to eat a cafe. my friend said she wanted to go to a marsh she saw in my photos - the very same one you took me to. we went to a coin karaoke place and the first time i ever went to one was with you. and sometimes i didnt need a reminder - my mind would just wander and i would remember things i didnt even know I remembered. the time when we fought about women in the workforce and your industry in the cafe and at the car. how when i asked if you were still mad at me you said that you wish you said “oh maybe i am a little bit, but ill make a lot of money and buy u a nice purse” to defuse the situation instead of getting mad. How our very first date lasted two nights and three days. How you couldnt spend my birthday w me but spent valentines w me the next day. The night you asked me to be your girlfriend - and how scared but also how happy i was. How you always took me to so many places. How i always could complain to you and you would always listen w patience - how i just wanted you back - how i wanted you to hold me and tell me it was a mistake - that you didnt really wanna break up w me that you thought about it and you wanna try again.  but i also know, its wishful thinking and i know, that you wont come back to me.  Day Five No plans. it’s still raining. No reason to go out. Can’t find the will to clean my apartment thats getting messier and dirtier by the day. I just want to lie in bed. I’ve been swiping on tinder and talking to some ppl - not to find a rebound but just to talk to people - to feel less - lonely? dejected? idk. but it doesnt really work - it feels like a lot of effort that I cant give. Were conversations always this hard? i feel like ours were so easy. And then i start to think again. all the promises we made. You said you would still try to be friends with me. Can we still do the little things? even before we went out you said u would take me skiing in the winter - is that still on? you told me you would buy me a hanbok - how about that? will you still take me? I keep asking why its over for you. why another chance will never happen. but the whole day, i just lie in bed. I cant bring myself to do anything. I keep searching up things like how long it should take to get over you - but at the same time im not sure i want to. Its not over for me yet even if its over for you. I guess, im feeling all the beginning stages of grief at once. Shock and Denial - i know its over - my head knows it - my head knows that you wont take me back or give us another go but my heart still has that false hope. my heart doesnt want to give you up. Guilt and Pain - well the pain is self explanatory but the guilt - i just keep wondering if this was my fault. if I was too unwilling to change - or didnt know i needed to change until i realized u were serious when you said you were thinking of breaking up w me - if i never said “how about we just never talk again” in anger and sadness, would we have gotten to this point? Anger and Bargaining - im not really angry - i mean i dont think this was your fault or mine but i guess i am kind of upset at the fact that you dont think we’re worth a second shot. anything we argued about, even if it spanned across a couple of days, has never come up again. and this was the first time this particular issue came up so why could we both make steps and amends to keep this from happening. are we both too stubborn? but i was willing and it felt like you werent. you told me that even ur past gfs have said that sometimes they didnt feel like they really had a choice and it wasnt just me. so im assuming that this is something youre eventually going to have to fix for yourself or you find a girl whos okay with that - but you also said you didnt want a gf or a wife that was like a doll who just agreed w everything you said. so this just means to me that youre not willing to try and change. honestly, if youre aware of it, it shouldnt be a hard fix but you already made up your mind that you werent going to do it. in reality i just wasnt the one you were willing to make those steps towards. and that is where my sadness and anger come from. now bargaining - im really willing to make changes and kind of the biggest testament i can give to that is that if we could be together again, i could quit that game ive been playing for 2 years cold turkey. For whatever reason, you never liked me playing that game and if it means i could have you back, i would gladly get rid of it. as for the other things - i promise i wont pressure to be with you longer cuz i know your tired - now i know youre tired. because you never told me before. Im sorry i dont like to lose arguments and i get defensive - i know i need to communicate better too. but i just really miss you and it kills me that we never even gave it a chance. yes, maybe youre right and things wont change and i know you think youre doing me a favour by ending this sooner rather than later but it kills me more that we never tried. Depression Loneliness and Reflection - self explanatory maybe im not fully in this stage yet but I do realize that the bargaining is not going to work even if i hope that it would.  it isnt over to me and to be honest, im not sure i want to get over you yet, even tho i know i should. Day Six

a monday. i asked you yesterday if we could talk and you said you were busy. I’m sure even tho i know your answer, i will ask you today if you would reconsider. im sorry if this puts pressure on you but i think its also necessary that i know I at least tried for my own sanity instead of letting this go. I’m going to tell you everything ive been thinking the last several days just to get it out. and yes, there is still that false hope that you’ll take me back and when that’s crushed i will probably inevitably cry again. I’m not sure if talking to you so soon is the right answer, if later would give me a clearer head. but my heart is telling me that i need to ask you to reconsider now and not later - if only for the confirmation - that nail on the coffin, that we’re really not happening anymore. I asked you when you had time and you said 10pm. So after work, i go home and i write down everything i want to talk to you about - at least everything i can think of at the time of writing much of which i talked about here already - how i thank you for loving me and all the things you did for me, how i still hope youll keep ur promise about buying me a hanbok, about a possible snowboard trip, about my stages of grief - my denial, my anger, the bargaining, how it wasnt just you who needed to change but i do think you will eventually need to change for someone - that i was sad it wasnt me. how i wish you told me about the stresses of your job so id be more understanding, how you were the first guy i thought i could say i love you to. how im not good at this cuz my last two and only serious relationships ended long before we called it off but right now i still feel like i was starting to like you more and more. how u know to break it off now because it would hurt more for me later and you no longer wanted to see me cry but for me second chances and trying is important - which is why im bargaining with you even tho i know you will say no. i need to know i did everything I could. that im sad we didnt meet earlier and have a more stable realtionship and maybe it woulda worked out - that i was sad you had to move for your job because if you were still here things wouldve worked out differently. but i dunno - i hope youll listen with as open a mind as u can, really think about it before you reject me and ill know i did everything i could. 

[pokefanbri]

Im still fucking fighting, i keep telling myself im not gonna let go & Fuck everyone else who thinks I should. But sometimes there's the opposite, im just lost & idk what to do....hes not gonna come back...so why should I bother to keep fighting 😔 If someone asks me...

Are they worth it? Absolutely. Because theres always room for improvement & growth, & we've been doing that apart for ourselves now for 7months. Did they give u the respect and attention u deserved? Are we not more valuable than that? Hell no & hell yes lol. Look I was happy just doing that for him but yea when it came to me honestly it was like nah im good 😒 & i know how fucked up it is that id go along with his selfishness but I did. I did deserve better & he knows I did... i just didnt wanna lose him & did anything he needed me for... but I ended up losing him anyway 😔 theres a reason why u work on that kinda shit & grow together as you go so everyone is happy, its fair to say we both lost sight...I was eager to learn everything about him cuz I wanted to be closer...but I was blocked out & pushed away, he wouldn't open up & talk to me or show feelings for anything, even of me when he used to all the time...like he was scared of being too attached or didnt want to get hurt..he didnt trust me or was afraid to show his true self or show any emotion that'd be viewed as weak due to the typical be a man complex. Idk I was confused & didnt know what was needed to help fix things so yea i walked on eggshells & me showing affection of my own free will was out of the question most of the time...I couldn't touch him unless he wanted me to & rare occurrences for my own satisfaction. Its the reason why I cried all the damn time, I felt avoided & unwanted because my own attention lacked pretty badly. How tf do I love a fucknugget bobblehead like that lmao, cuz I dont give 2 flying fucks he was my man ok! & being close enough to him made me happy enough I guess, I still looked at him like he was my world even if I wanted to slap him for making me feel so lonely at the same time. I admit his needs came b4 mine, he liked it more that way & I took care of him more than I did myself. But if he had more effort to take care of my needs in turn & I were happier than I was, & us happy at the same time, then maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself...cry all the time & smoke like a chimney 🙁

I still don't fully understand why he held back, communicating with me on a deeper level is supposed to be natural & pretty much all normal couples show an appropriate amount of affection & understanding to eachother....but it was kept burried...was he afraid id hate him, judge him, make fun? No, id love him even more! Idc how dark he may think he is or whatever past bs he's gone through or even if he was lying about anything...its okay it can't hurt u anymore dear & we can overcome it just tell me what it is thats lacking & let's fix this. Id say "sit down babe, tell me everything, whats on your mind, what can I do to help 😊" & id give him the most gentle kiss on the forehead. I'd do anything to see a smile from that face & it makes me smile too. I want to help him, he needs somebody to hold just as much as I do cuz the fact of the matter is babe, he's just as broken as I am, we both need someone to put back our pieces & become whole again...after we try doing it solo it can only go so far b4 u want that physical presence of another again to help u more so. He keeps everything bottled up & especially didnt let me see what was happening to him I had no clue, if he didnt like talking to anyone he at least had me but still kept me away from him, whatever it was festered in him & he changed his whole demeanor toward me, he became colder & shut me out for good 😔 Making me feel even more unwanted. We didnt help eachother through our problems & I really wanted to, I wanted to save us for the longest time way b4 the end. Idk maybe if he put in as much effort & we knew how to function better together instead of a Corolla with just 2 wheels then we'd probably be fine...& our suspension wouldn't be dragging on the asphalt 😂 Its not all on him for fault, I take equal amount of responsibility, we failed eachother, we didn't know wtf we were doing & 9/10 it was just friends with benefits with only 1 of us in love & attached, & the other not really caring with side pieces to chat with 🤷‍♀️

U know what 🤬 They're right, he's right, & now I'm actually starting to accept it the more I write. Maybe just maybe,HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME AT ALL. Im still upset and frustrated. To answer the question again from earlier no maybe he's not worth it. I suffered through his bs and 10fold heartbreak afterward!! If he can't own up, right his wrongs & bring us both peace then no he's not worth suffering for afterall, and ive been loving the wrong soul this whole damn time 😣 He kicked me to the curb cuz he a fucking coward! He cant admit his wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, say im sorry or actually put the tiniest bit of effort into a relationship to make it work, but instead disposes of me so he wouldn't have to confront any of it & just continue on like nothing happened are fucking kidding me!!?? I thought u were smarter than this, its beneath you to just run away & pretend I never mattered to you when we both know I did!!!....& im crying again. Im still feeling the betrayal apparently, ill never be able to trust him fully again anyway, let alone other men now. I dont hate you, I love you very much. But I hate the evil from you that you've shown me. I should've known honestly, I was naive to see all types of disrespect but this was the worst part. I still love him but i do deserve better than that & I hope he's changed his ways. Trust a guy with a high track record of ladies & a handful of em in their hand..what u think 🤔 can trust be gained back? Can I get over the bad uncalled for lying shit he's said about me to other women to make himself look better? Idk 🤷‍♀️ I haven't been able to rest without closure for so long, but enough is enough im making my own. You're absolutely right, you'd just manipulate me further, I thought maybe we could be better than before...round 2 at some point in the future...but maybe we're not salvageable after all. Thats up to u, I did everything I could, but now if u were to ever come back idk if I'd jump into your arms or slam the door in your face, I just dont know. Its better that I try never speaking of u again, or think of you for as long as I can so that I can heal better....cuz loving you even after the fact is tearing me apart & making me lose focus on what matters more, myself. I fought valiantly as long as I could, 7 months is a long time to not shut up about u lol.. maybe you've been hearing me I wouldn't know. I have to force it or ill never be able to, ill still silently grieve but as much as it hurts, Its time. U were my rock, an asshole but a good one, the best gamer I got to know, a boss at alot of things, with the cutest lil butt, & somehow the love of my life. Other than maybe something valentines or anniv related in Feb ofcourse....Ur getting what u wanted, I have to do whats best for me now, I have to let u go. I held on for so long but Im really tired & emotionally drained, im just torturing myself when i need to stop, im defeated, nobody won anything, everyone got hurt in 2020 why should our relationship be any different, id say we gave it our all be we both know we didnt. This hurts me so much to do, like my heart is breaking again. Bye babe, I love you with all my heart. 💋💞 💟

I tried to do what I could but if he left, I just gotta try to move on. If I take him back, I gotta consider how that's gonna look like & if I really got past the damage he did....obviously theres some I still haven't 😔 Its what im telling myself while trying to move past this. Others going through the same...We're in love and they ain't. We can't control their actions but we can control our actions. Im not a toxic person..only to myself, I love with all my heart, nobody bothers to understand...they just judge

[ohoshi]

i watched the dont lie svt mafia game (the first two links u sent) and it was so fun!!! i love how you dont know who the mafia is until the end so it’s like youre playing along too :) also seungkwan was so smart!!! gradually building everyones trust and gathering allies around him!! i was so sad when he was killed off tho, he literally was abt to catch the mafia 😭 and hoshi REVEALING HIMSELF AS THE MAFIA was the funniest thing ever but also really smart like he turned everyone against mingyu (who honestly i thought was the mafia too), and in the last round hoshi was just openly like “who should we kill today” IM DEAD 😂 also can i just say that jeonghan looked so GOOD in that game...he’s such a sexy mafia 😏 i cant wait to watch their second dont lie mafia game!

u already know for 127 jaehyun was my first bias and now mark is my ult <3 and for dreamies if u dont count mark (since i knew him from 127 first so kinda unfair) i think jaemin was prob also my first and current bias?? he was my first bias and i just never stopped 😂 for wayv i think my bias is yangyang hehe :) im trying to think abt what similarities in my biases are - it might just be the smiley happy funny ones with the best laughs as we talked about before (this is weird but i think when i first meet someone i notice their laugh?? like i love ppl who have laughs that you can tell are just truly from their heart if that makes sense) i might also have a slight bias for rap lines but i think that is not as concrete as the smiley/funny thing!

omg thats so cool that you know so many languages!! youre so cool hehe :) i always have so much respect for ppl who learned languages (idk i dont count me knowing canto as learning a language bc i kinda passively learned it thanks to my parents hahaha) i took french and spanish for a bit in school but i didnt continue and have thus forgotten most of it D: (which i kinda regret, i want to try learning french again someday) also i totally get that about chinese and japanese being intimidating...ive always thought it'd be so cool to learn another asian language (and one that is more widely used than canto) but they are quite hard, esp for chinese/japanese where the writing system is a lot harder to learn!! i learned korean hangul so i can sound out words veryyyy slowly but i dont know what they mean 99% of the time 😂 i havent seriously applied myself to actively learning a third language but i've always wanted to! i can understand basic korean phrases tho since i watch so much korean content ahahaha

hmm as for weird phobias, i really hate cockroaches?? or bugs in general...and i also hate when circles are bunched together rly closely lol (i think it’s called tryptophobia but i wouldnt recommend googling that cuz it grosses me out so much omg 😰😰)

ok now to close this out on a happier note lol i THINK i can name all the svt members now??? like with maybe 85% accuracy 😂 and i think my first biases are joshua, jeonghan, & kinda dino and vernon :)) but i feel myself slowly falling for all of them i love how chaotic they are and ive laughed so much watching their videos already 😊😊

AAAH i'm so glad you loved it 🥺 ikr it was so good??? i especially loved the part when hoshi just blamed mingyu!!!!! and manipulated everyone into thinking that he was one of the mafia!!! what a smart move but also fun? hoshi the god of variety shows!! tbh i kinda knew minghao was the mafia since the beginning... he was just too quiet... i mean he is a quiet person yk but he was more suspicious than usual 👀 and i guess bc in the beginning they gave us the preview of their reactions and he laughed and knowing he's a scorpio i only assumed... so i didn't 100% buy hoshi's lie bc i was still sure that hao was one of the mafia 🤷🏻‍♀️ still tho it was legendary!!!! but i guess mingyu played it stupid and he was sus to begin with so 🤷🏻‍♀️ yeah.... YOU CAN SAY THAT JEONGHAN LOOKS GOOD BC damn right he does 😍 he is a beautiful man what can i say 🤷🏻‍♀️ he is also very confident in himself (the other day i watched one gose ep from 2019 it's called debate night i think and basically they're having a debate about the stupidest, most pointless things in the world (like is it better to live AS a pigeon or live WITH a pigeon for a year, or is it better to have 3 eyes or 3 arms 😅) and jeonghan always had a counter argument, ALWAYS, but he would say it so confidently looking handsome as hell he could make me believe that grass was blue..) btw gose always has dumb content like this but still i think it's the best idol content out there only bc svt are crazy funny and chaotic and those 13 boys share a total of 2 braincells shared by wonwoo and jun each; like there is one ep i think it's called the8 and the 12 shadows ans basically they all move in a row and all 12 of them have to repeat what the first member is doing, it might sound smart when i explain it but if you'd watch it you'd see that it's so dumb and pointless but it's funny and 1hour long and carats watch it bc 🤷🏻‍♀️ anyways what i'm trying to do is show you what you're getting yourself into😌

ohhhh i think jaehyun, mark, nana and yangyang all have beautiful smiles and they’re all very smiley and bright people 🥺 so that's definitely the one thing your biases have in common 🥺 that's so cute 🥺 oh you think you're attracted more to the rap line? 🤔 all of your nct biases are indeed rappers (jaehyun is a i can do it all i'm 97 line he is excluded) so maybe??? but yeah you biasing bright idols is 🥺 adorable!!!

ahh thank you 🥺 i try!! yeah most people forget languages if they don't use them regularly </3 kinda scared i'll forget french bc i never use it nowadays, i used to know a woman who only spoke french and i would have to translate to her what my family tells her and vice versa, it was a great french exercise 💪 but i don't see her anymore so </3 the fact that you speak canto and chinese(mandarin i guess?) intimidates you really adds fuel to the fire<3 it's great that you know how to read hangul!!! me too!! you'll get better at reading with practise! but compared to chinese characters i don't think it's that hard, i mean, how do chinese people even memorize all the characters?? or WORSE how do foreigners memorize them??! writing in chinese must be so hard do you have to pay attention to all the tiny lines?? that's a lot of work 😨 i am terrified 😨 do you also know basic japanese phrases from anime?? bc personally i do but i know a lot more korean than japanese i mean thank god, i'm learning korean religiously tho 😂 still tho can't watch idol content without titles</3 (except with chinese wayv members who struggle OMG MAYBE I LOVE CHINA LINE BC THEY MAKE KOREAN A BIT EASIER? anyways i completely relate to them bc korean grammar is so hard, so strange and so different from grammar i'm used to in 'western' languages)

cockroaches? 😨 i too hate insects of every kind<3 so i understand <3 oh i know about tryptophobia(?)!!! one of my friends is scared of the same thing too, have to admit it does look disgusting 😬 i'm also afraid of heights and water!!! (but like the sea and the ocean sjsgsjaha i can't swim!! and i never want to!!!) 😨😅

AHHHH I'M SO PROUD OF YOU 🤧 what a bias combo thooooo 👀 jeonghan? i approve! he is so fun!!! so beautiful!! sexc 👀 jeonghan is so interesting i love him and also joshua is so pretty too?? i mean obvs they're both visuals sjgssj but it's different with shua bc i can look at him all day it's soooo calming to just look at him?? ahh angelic! it's kinda interesting to me bc you bias jeonghan and joshua and jihan (their ship name) is kind of a big deal™ did you know that????? i assume it was unintetional and you had no idea about it jsgsja i also approve of vernon and dino as well but i mean i would approve of anyone and everyone at this point 🤷🏻‍♀️ have you seen pics of jeonghan with long hair??? i feel lowkey bad for saying this but he is so beautiful i deadass thought he was a woman 😧

[nocturnalxnights]

Looking into 21

So it’s my 21st birthday today whooo

just makes me want to look back and write something about everything that has happened thus far

plus im procrastinating on hw eyy

a lot of this is going to sound really ungrateful but i promise that is not the intent

just words I want to get off my chest

Not a lot of people said happy birthday to me, and ngl it was kind of hurtful but at the same time it helps me realize who are the people who legit care or the people who notice the small things. Friends I thought would say something didn’t say shit and friends who I thought wouldn’t say anything still had something nice to say.

It’s pretty interesting, least to say

strangely a lot of my slo friends didnt even say anything to me or get me anything (okay i know this sounds really materialistic but for their birthdays i always got them really thoughtful gifts - they didn’t get me anything - but i am still grateful for their friendship...maybe it just sucks cuz it wasnt mutual, perhaps?)

Honestly today felt like a pretty normal day and it was just kind of like hmmm is this what it’s like to be an adult now? nothing to really look forward to other than drinking my heart out??? which is ironic bc I actually don’t like alcohol lol

Anyways, college is hard. keeping in touch with other people is hard.

it doesn’t help that I hate my school and its white dominance. i am literally ostracized because of my race but my friends here make the experience so much better

there are days where mental illness strikes me and i hate everything, from my friends to my life to everything around me, but i end up pushing myself back up

education is hard and i feel ashamed because i want to do so much better but life is so unfair and i want to do well to not disappoint my parents

three years in, i look back and i wish i found my college best friend. I thought I found that with a specific person but turns out they end up experiencing all the “college best friend moments” with their twin sibling, so it’s like third-wheeling but worse. so in the end I never found that true college best friend. it just feels awkward and weird because they’re basically doing everything that I wish I could be doing but I can’t since the position is already taken.

note to self: never room with twins.

not to say i am ungrateful for their friendship! i love her so much and she is one of my best friends but i can sadly say she is not the college best friend, since hers is her twin, and mine is - well non existent. 

relationships are rough. there have been so many ups and downs in mine and there are dark days where I just want to be alone forever but I am quickly reminded of the positives . it’s just a learning process, and sacrifices are always made

but sometimes it’s just so emotionally draining and it feels one-sided

maintaining friendships is a bitch. ive lost people so close to me, ones i used to call best friend, and i now realize they’ve just simply moved on from me and found better. otherwise they’d, you know, actually keep in touch with me, right? lol

i still care about them and their happiness, even if they don’t think about me, which is fine. 

sometimes i wish my high school friends back home were more social (like, a lot more, and sometimes less rude?) a lot of them moved on and found their college friends, and deep down i have to stop myself from being possessive because i dont want to lose any of them to new friends. I don’t want to be that selfish friend, but at times i am scared i’ll lose them.

because it definitely feels like i have lost them.

sometimes i still hold grudges against my old high school friends for things they did to me that really hurt. but they wouldn’t remember because it didn’t affect them personally like it did to me. Deep down, i will never forgive them.

not to say i wasn’t an angelic person in hs, i probably did awful things and it still haunts me at 3am in the morning as i lay in the dark and silence, wishing i could take it back. but nobody’s perfect

lately i lost someone i thought to be my best friend. they straight up ghosted me out of nowhere for no reason, and at first i was so sad that it happened. 

now im over it and i hope they find what they’re looking for. perhaps i was just the rebound friend because they’d always talk about one specific mutual friend between us.

in any case, losses hurt. but i will move on.

sometimes i look back and i wonder what wouldve happened if i chose not to go here. would i be better off? 

sometimes i wonder what would’ve happened if i had killed myself so many years ago, like i had always planned. I know i wouldn’t be standing here at least.

my mind is still fucked. you can never ever heal from mental illness ever. I seem better now but on the inside (and outside) the scars remain. sometimes the dark thoughts come back and fuck me up, making me say and think awful things

there are days where i wish i was nonexistent, because i dont want to exist and at that moment i dont care about anyone else including me. i am always so tired and exhausted and stressed

but 21 years, here i am now. i can only hope it will get better.

so here’s to 21.

also i doubt anyone read this but if you did congrats for making it this far and for caring enough to read haha

[filmery]

Stream of Consciousness

from Iron Man

****WATCH OUT FOR LOTS OF GRAMMATICAL ERRORS****

fav marvel opener- flipping comic book pages -never read any whoops

no one is wearing black- back in black

sexist- driver woman

rdj is =iron man

peace sign kid holds- he dies so thats why tony does peace sign

"older guy cant work camera" clishe

uggggh shaky camera

why was he with the troops/ not in helicopter?

zoom into bomb fast- GREAT fast comedic moment just before sadness

he shud not have been conscious after explosion that close

WTF IS THAT UNDER HIS SHIRT WTF- IFITS ARMOR IT SHULD PROTECT HIM

al quaeda to soon

so hes steve jobs- made a frikin computer in his garage

ewww rbj with no beard- bad cgi :( cant u just shave and get over urself?

yes weapons are the key to peace hahahahahahAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahaha

rip terrence howard as rhody

"too cool for award" cliche

"bald guy is bad" cliche

"hes always working" uhhh besides a few montages.... no he really just parties

only talks to cute girls....... uggggh

military funding? ha more like military debt ahahahahah 20 trillion is iron mans fault

jarvis is wing man after one night stand???? idve thought hed think tony was cheating lol

"girl wakes up with just guys shirt" cliche

"guy wakes up and leaves before girl wakes up" cliche

cat fight ha+2 points

literal and figurative island haha

so tony aint smart, he just uses jarvis

he obvi doesnt know how t4he faa works

i was gonna get REAL mad if tony didnt buy a painting cuz it was "too expensive" but we good

tonys a dick

yet pepper finds him attractive

ksorry

yaaaas rhody calling him a baby cuz he FING IS

im pretty sure laser shows in airplanes are illegal

"im not drinking them gets drunk" cliche

in my opinion from what ive collected, you cant be feared AND respected. fear takes over and you do things based on fear, not fromrespect - also how will blowing up people help them respect you? unless youre talking about getting respect from those u protect and those u kill cuz thats completely differeent then

"i respectfully disagree" or do you "fearfully disagree"

starts out as all techno talk, then turns into baby talk wtf

that shock wave conviently stopped right after it hit them

montage of painful surgeyr cliche

ewww that pipe in his nose as groooooooss

"dont do that but dontexplain" cliche

the dude cant understand english how did he know that tony refused????

why tf wouldnt u test it ANYWHERE BUT THE MIDDLE EAST?????

why cant they just wait and order the missile

k so this scene is srs and all but WATCHING HIM CARRYING THE CAR BATTERY IS SOOOO FuNNY I CANT

"no he wont" OK NOW U CANT UNDERSTAND U POS

"theyll never find u" cliche

why is his friend here?

how does he know how to build it? tbh he probs just had jarvis do it back home

how does the gov not know hes selling weapons to terrorists? we cant be that corrupt can we?

so hes building his ring thing but they DONT FING NOTICE THATS THERES NO MISSILES AT AlL??????

and they didnt question them the entire time

lemme peek but not go in and investigate

"i have steady hands" and then he crashes his car and LOOK! Doctro strange!

when a speech starts with a history lesson, u know its been rehearsed u poser

honestly... hot coal in mouth- worst way to die fml

props to marvel for not telling how fast theyre moving so i cant bust them for not being able to get it done

why the circle around the chest thing

wouldt one of their rules to be able to see u at all times

ctrl i is italicize hahahaha

why did the lights shut off but no the clearly hookedup laptop?

i enjoy the rock music as background music- not ur stereotypical ( yet awesome) hans zimmer score

yaaaaaas bitches run

gun shootsthen rebounds onto him- pretty sure thats not how physics work

if anyone should die, its tony tbh that whiny bithc

-2 for killing an actual good guy

how does not one of those bullets penetrate his suit?

----not enough use of the word penetreate

k no theyd keep shooting

tony: everythings on fire and im dying

ouchie that giant fall

how does he know hose helis are good?

DONT TOUCH HIS SUNBURNT AND BLISTERING SHOULDERS RHODY EWWWW

+2 for cheeseburger yas

-2 for burger king ew

doesnt sheild deal with aliens not terrorists?

newsreels? hes not THAT old

+10000 for ACCOUNTABILITY AND RESPONSIBILTY WOOOOO

k hes obvi doing the best thing here and now everyone gets pissed for him TRYING TO SAVE PEOPLES LIVES EHY IS THAT BAD?????? HE ALREADY HAS a shit otn of money LET HIM BE

fuck u and ur segway obidiah

the other thing..... dont put ur name on it

jokes on u! it was alqueade

+100 for mad money reference!!!!!

...so pepper didnt know about it so whyd he blame her for .3 seconds?

pepper is useless omg PUT YOUR HANDS IN HIS CHEST

why did he say dont take out the magnet but all of a sudden u dont need it?

i wonder if they actually built robots for tonys btterfingers

rhodeys we need pilots speech was just proven again by the aircraft landing in the hudson

so non military= humanitarian now? and if so why that bad?

honestly surprised that jarvis isnt some hot lady voice

k raza with sunglasses= morpheus

why is the mask the most vital part for raza?

tony crashing into wall is why u should ALWAYS WEAR A HELMET KIDS

obadiah is NOT playing the piano

+2 for not trusting obidiah

daaaamn if thats 1% whats 100% capacity

and he still doesnt wear a helmet

k his eye holes are so small how can he actually see?

run before walking leads to lots of problems later in life tony

at leaast he checked atc

goddammkit u made smol child drop ice cream

beginners luck

rip that baby grand he probs didnt know how to play

+2 for that fire extinguisher

+50 for Pepper being a cutie with that gift

how does tony not have his liscence revoked? hes a shit driver and can hire a chaffeur

STAN LEE BABE

RIP COLESON OMG :'(

so just fire pepper and marry her

pepper is totally right and tony should seperate who actually matter to him

how is a lot of olives 3?

im not my company- THEN TAKE UR NAME OFF HOE

no, modern day hell s walking those 15 miles and watching a car and heli and camera lady who are fine and can get there in 20 minutes

i sincerely hope that these footages were planned and not real

is this the news or a documentary?

just realized he never gave pepper her drink lol

yeah, let the kids watch their dad get shot thats fine omg

after that hit, he looks like a lion

why did he say colonel rhodes form weapons development? that name isnt that common

there was 0 time for radio contact omg

the only thing i could think during this scene was SERPENTINE SERPENTINE SERPENTINE

k now im getting a lil tired of the electric guitar

finally obi has been outted geez

im feeling some west side story WITH snaps

why is raza telling obi what he ALREADY KNOWS CUZ THEYVE BEEN IN CONTACT

how has no one noticed that obi just GOES TO THE MIDDLE EAST LIKE ALL THE TIME

this scene between pepper and tony is THE MOTHER of cliched lines

WHY DIDNT SHE SHUT DOWN THE COMPUTER STUPID WEIRDO

he tried to push his hair back hahahaHAHAHAHAHhaha

not scraps obi.... he had his own stuff

im just imagining obi hidig under toys couch haha

that dick took his shirt!!!

yaas beethoven reference

props to makeup people for his paralysis on point!

sorry but paralysis seems to me like U CANT FING MOVE TONY

i thought the old reactor needed a magnet

OF ALL THE CARS TO STEAL RHODY YOU STEAL THE AUDI

goddman all these chains

JUMP SCARE COMING HAHA I KNEW IT

-2 awful jump scare

yes middle age mom- honk at the GIANT FING ROBOT

nooo not the hydrogen powered bus!

gooood iron freezes before stainless tell

daaamn obi is a real bad shot

and radiation now floods the malibu land area and thosands are illed thanks to tonys reactor

sk glad hes corrected the mediait aint iron

coleson never briefed tham

that was longer than 90 seconds

iron man- STOP TRYING TO BE BATMAN

great ending 10/10

affter credit scene: 10/10 avengers yay

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[thetragicescape]

I know no one asked for it buttttttt

This is my blog and I feel like venting. So here we go. More spun thoughts. I feel... hmm. I feel bittersweet. I miss my old roommate. She is honestly not a friend to me, she's a sister. That's how close we were. We hung out 24/7 during our freshman and sophomore years of college. Well, the half of sophomore year before I left. We knew everything about each other and made so many unforgettable memories. Her friendship has been invaluable to me, and we spent so much time together that she was more family than my blood family. She did have strong opinions about certain things, and that's why I hid my drug addiction from her. Her twin sister is addicted to the same drug. I constantly heard her talking shit on not just her sister but meth addicts in general. She was always saying how nasty it was and how bad tweakers were and stuff. I stayed silent the whole time or joined in on her shit talking to cover my ass, never wanting her to know that I was the very thing she despised. I thought that if she knew she would be angry, yell at me or say horrible things to me, or- worst of all- stop being my friend. And I absolutely could not lose her; she was a sister to me. I was confident that I could hide it well enough that she would never need to know, but we can't all be so lucky. The day before I left school, my ex (the one who would rob me the next day) ratted me out to her. I was both furious with him and scared that I was going to lose one of the best friends I ever had. What happened next was miraculous. Something I never would have expected in a million years. She didn't hate me, she didn't stop being my friend, didn't even say one rude word or remark. She was a little upset that I had hidden it from her for so long, but once I explained that it was because I valued our friendship so much and was terrified to lose her she seemed to understand. She even gave me a hug! I was so touched I was near the edge of tears- she knew the worst thing about me, that I was addicted to meth, yet she loved me all the same and was still like my sister. I was about 90 percent sure she would hate me for this, yet she accepted me fully for who I was, faults and all, when for so long I was terrified she would hate me if she knew. I only felt luckier by the second that she had reacted completely opposite of what I thought and that I had her. That night was the last time I saw her. I left college to run away with my ex, he ended up robbing me and my amazing best friend and his wife took me in and let me stay with them. I think of her a lot every day though and miss her. I felt bad leaving her alone there cause we were all each other had. At the time though I thought she would be okay. I mean, for as long as I've known her ive been secretly jealous as fuck of her. She was perfect in every way, and I wish I could say I was exaggerating. She was seriously perfect and I wanted to be her so bad. Honest to god I still do, and if you knew her you'd wanna be her too. She's skinny and absolutely drop dead gorgeous, not to mention amazing with make up. Guys were practically tripping over themselves for a chance to get at her when I was lucky if a guy so much as glanced my way. Getting love or sex or any male attention to her was as effortless as breathing. That wasn't even what I was the most jealous of though. I envy the fuck out of her magic social powers. I can think of another way to put it. It has to be magic cuz I sure as hell couldn't do it. She has some insane power of getting people to take interest in her without trying, and friends flock to her like a moth to a flame. Especially in her home town (when I went to visit her over the summer)- she was popular as fuck. Without even trying, she had more friends than she knew what to do with. All my life id been a near complete loner and desperate for friends, for connections and relationships. No matter what I did, my peers still hated me and I remained a loner. I went straight home every day after school and didn't leave my room cause I had no friends. She, on the other hand, never had to be lonely for a single second- hell, I didn't think she even knew what loneliness MEANT! Without even trying, she had what id wanted so desperately all my life- tons of friends, no loneliness, popularity and guys drooling over her. Over breaks when we went home, shed be having a total blast partying with tons of different people, while I sat alone in my room on the verge of tears because I was so damn lonely and wanted so bad just to have someone to hang out with. Sometimes it was hard not to snap out of pure envy- once she complained to me that she got invited to too many parties. Inside me I was ripping my hair out- like why the fuck are you complaining?! Hers was a "problem" I could only dream of having. Of course if she asked I said I hung out with friends over break because I was embarrassed to let her know how truly pathetic I was. I felt for so long that something was wrong with me and I didn't fit in with humanity because I was so fucking lonely, but she could get everyone in the world to be her friend by fuckin blinking at them. Also her parents were incredibly chill and not strict or controlling at all, the exact opposite of my dad. They cared about her, more than just her grades, they brought her self esteem up instead of crushing it, and they talked to her as an equal human. Which I couldnt pay my dad to do; to this day he talks to me as though Im an idiotic young child or an extension of himself. Never an equal. Hell, I was jealous of her for having grown up with her mom still alive- I lost mine when I was 7. Anyway. At school we hung out only with each other, so I felt very close to her. We tried many times to make friends with other people at the school, but everyone at that school was an ultra religious Jesus freak prude, so not our usual type. Still we tried. We learned pretty early on that people didn't like us for some reason. They got weirded out by us after hanging out with us once or twice and then magically disappeared, never talking to us again. Now i dont know if this is just a paranoid tweaky thought, but I think the word "us" isnt exactly accurate when placing the blame on why nobody wanted to hang out with us. I think the us is actually me. I was what chased everyone away. She has such an incredible talent at making friends that there was no way they didn't like her. I was what they didn't like, and I was always hanging out with her, so if they were chilling with her they were chilling with me. I dont know what about me did it- I seemed to have the opposite abilities of what she did. I suspected that I was the reason since last year, but what's happened in the last couple weeks only makes me think more and more that I was the reason we were so lonely. Since I have left the school, she has instantly made a whole group of friends. She's getting a house with them her senior year and everything. Without me to get in the way, her natural charms were uninterrupted and she found friends almost instantaneously. Nothing like that ever happened when I was around her. Im really happy that she has moved on and found friends so she Wont be lonely, on the other hand it made me sad she moved on so fast. I know that's not fair of me- I cant just expect her to never chill with anyone ever again because I was gone- but still i feel it. That tiny heart ache. Im quite replaceable I think, and Im glad she found her people and not loneliness. I mean it with all my heart, I want her to be happy because she deserved it. Ive experienced more than my fair share of loneliness and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But love is about appreciation not possession, and what matters is she is happy and has people to support and love her, whether i am included in that or not. Just like you trim weeds to make the garden flourish, my absence has helped her become the socialite she always wad again. I am sad that we are separated (and honestly jealous of her ability to attract people to her without conscious effort) but happy that she is happy. She's quickly moved on and Im sure that in time she will forget me completely. The thought hurts but I need to accept that it might be a possibility. I chased friends away from us, why would she want to remember that. I miss her to death but without my weirdness chasing her social life off, she is much better off. She's in her element again, a social butterfly spreading her wings and flying out into the world. I wish I knew her secret on getting people to want to be her friend or boyfriend or whatever , but ill just have to accept I never will. Even she doesnt know, its an instinct to her. I never was lucky enough to have that gift but oh well. That's life. It is what it is. I really hope that this is just the drugs and the paranoia talkin, that it wasnt my fault we had no friends and she also played a part in chasing them away. I hope with all my heart it isnt true, but deep in my heart I worry that it is. I guess ill never know the truth and Im honestly kind of glad, cause Im not sure I could stand to hear it if it had been my fault. I accept that ill never know. I still miss her though. Even if she forgets my name, ill remember her and her friendship and cherish the memories we made for my whole life. If she wants to continue being my friend, which there's a decent chance of because she still hits me up on Facebook occasionally to check on me, I will be ecstatic. Shes like my sister that came out of a different vagina 😂😂😂. Whatever choice she makes is hers though and I will have to accept it no matter what. Her happiness means so much to me that if she slowly forgot about me, id know at least she is doing well, uninhibited by my weirdness and free to put her social talents to use again. If our friendship does end (which is painful to think) I will hold onto the good times. Ill try not to cry because its over but smile because it happened. I would appreciate that I had such a close bond with her that saying goodbye was sk hard. If saying bye is hard you know it was a good friendship and a blessing that I had it..... Okay, rant over Holy fuck I sound like a weirdo. Tina makes me rambly. Then again this was so long Im sure most of u got bored and didbt make it all the way to the end 😂 I dont blame you its pretty long. This is probably mostly for me to read when I sober up and laugh at myself. If you did stick thru to the end, thanks ❤ weird tweaky rant over!!

[lillianvalnala]

Caleb answer all of the questions (or 2 and 57)

I’ll do all of them, just for you Kat

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?-I have a fairly okay relationship with my mom but my relationship with my dad really isn’t that great.02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?-I think it was @daeynore​ cuz i tell them i love them like every day03: Do you regret anything?-ohhhhhoohohoh boy yes i do04: Are you insecure?-Yeah about a few things05: What is your relationship status?-single as heck my dude06: How do you want to die?-something cool or of old age07: What did you last eat?-a blueberry bagel with cream cheese during lunch08: Played any sports?- i used to play field hockey and i did baton twirling for 5 years09: Do you bite your nails?- yeah but only if one of them is already broken10: When was your last physical fight?-ive never been in one11: Do you like someone?-yeah

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?-no, but i’ve been close

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?-oh yeah

14: Do you miss someone?-yeah

15: Have any pets?-i have 2 cats! egg and tucker!

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?-kinda bored. this class isn’t the most fun

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?-nope

18: Are you scared of spiders?-i really hate spiders so much like think travis mcelroy bad 

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?-yeah probably

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?-no one lmao ive been kissed like once

21: What are your plans for this weekend?-six flags with my mom and then maybe a skype call at night

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?-no i hate kids

23: Do you have piercings? How many?-i had my ears pierced but i couldnt stand having earrings anymore24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?-I’m good in most of my classes, but right now history is my best

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?-kinda

26: What are you craving right now?-i dunno 

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?-Probably

28: Have you ever been cheated on?-nope

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?-i dont know, maybe?

30: What’s irritating you right now?-the class im in 

31: Does somebody love you?-god like that’s possible

32: What is your favourite color?-purple!

33: Do you have trust issues?-a little bit

34: Who/what was your last dream about?-i dont remember whoops

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?-it might have been my friend sydney i dont really remember

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?-noooo

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?-forget

38: Is this year the best year of your life?-i mean, kinda? a lot of good things are going to happen/have happened

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?-1440: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?-nope

51: Favourite food?-i dont have a favorite food

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?-sometims, but not often

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?-i sent out streaks on snapchat

54: Is cheating ever okay?-fuck no

55: Are you mean?-some people might say i am

56: How many people have you fist fought?-no one

57: Do you believe in true love?-between the right people, sure

58: Favourite weather?-65-75 is ideal

59: Do you like the snow?-hell no

60: Do you wanna get married?-maybe some day, im still not sure

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?-not really

62: What makes you happy?-my friends, mcelroys, writing

63: Would you change your name?-legally, y e s that would be wonderful

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?-hell yeah man

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?-id be pretty chill abt it 

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?-yeah i have a few of them

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?-literally everyone i’ve talked to today lmao

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?-myself? does that count?

69: Do you believe in soulmates?-yeah

70: Is there anyone you would die for?-Theres a few