#i wasnt up the whole night watching stuff though i was genuinely trying to sleep for a while

[uiruu]

i’ve never seen a full episode of breaking bad or better call saul but i’ve watched pretty much every major scene on youtube and i’ve watched a bunch of video essays and i’ve listened to my partner talk about the shows and like normally i’d be opposed to really popular things that everyone likes but those shows are actually legitimately amazing. i should watch full episodes sometime. but i also wonder how much of the shows i havent seen.

anyway, i would watch better call saul. tbh it seems more interesting to me. 

im not overstating it when i say i've watched probably almost everything there is... at least all the story beats. and i've watched interviews and essays and all sorts of things to connect the dots. everything was pretty much out of order but idk im good at figuring it out. i've never really been good at following things in order like that... i need to just consume the entire breadth of the story at once, you know? i was like that with books back in school and stuff. usually i only actually watch serieses in order after i've either already spoiled every single thing that happens, or i watched it week-by-week as it came out initially and now i can go back and binge it. if i'm watching something from the beginning and i have a question about how something ends up... i will often google it before continuing in the series. i kinda wish i didnt do that one lmao, but whatever, it doesnt actually hurt my enjoyment much. because for me... the number one thing about breaking bad and better call saul is not necessarily the story itself... it's the craft of how it was made. i love the writing and the acting and the directing and so while i've spoiled everythign about the plot.. watching and thinking about those things cant really be spoiled. you know what i mean?

like... a brilliant shot is gonna be brilliant even if i’ve already seen before. and rather than being hooked on the twists and turns of the plot, i like to think critically about the way those twists and turns were executed, how they were led up to and the ramifications afterwards, that sort of thing. i dont need to be surprised by it.

anyway im bad at watching things (and also reading things) and i definitely wouldnt say to anyone that i’ve watched these shows, but i’ve thought a lot about them and i’ve seen most things that people would reference, lol. but i should watch it for real, too. i should do that. just so that i dont have to put an asterisk every time i wanna talk about it, haha

[omoghouls]

After party blues (Mordecai/Brick fic)

[Whoops haven't written in like a month but, borderlands 3 has fueled my shipping and angsty heart

This is after Mordecai's party quest so if you haven't played it yet, spoilers to it]

🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁

The heat of the Pandoran sun bared down on the berserker as he set down the last of the slabs of sheet metal amoungst the others. Brick smiled to himself as he wiped the beads of sweat of his forehead, stretching back into an upward posture as he admired his handiwork.

"There, just 'nother couple and it'll be done," he said to himself, turning back around, perking up when he spotted the figure making it's way up the path.

"Hey Mordy," the man said enthusiastically to the sniper once he neared.

There was a silent nod of acknowledgement from the smaller man.

Brick wiped his hands on his jeans as he walked over to Mordecai.

"Did'ja have a fun time at the party?"

Mordecai visibly winced at the question, top lip twitching before locking his gaze to the ground, "Yeah, a real blast," sarcasm coating his words.

[[MORE]]

Brick tilted his head, "Thought you were real 'cited for this, ya even got Grace that g-"

"I know, look, party didn' " he paused kicking at the dirt beneath his foot, his mouth felt as if he had shoved cotton in it, "Grace, she wasnt there, alright?"

"Not there?" The taller man repeated in confusion.

Mordecai nodded, "Look, party really took it out of me, I'm going to bed."

"At 5 pm?"

"Yes."

Brick stood there, watching the lanky sniper trug his way up to his perch.

"Man, what a party-pooper he is huh?"

Brick turned, brows lifting in surprise to see Tina, tinkering on one of her numerous demolitions, obviously eavesdropping the whole time.

His gaze returned to the taller structure, heart falling to the pit of his stomach as he saw the shadowed figure lowering his head into his hands before sinking down from view.

"Let 'em be, Tina," Brick tore his gaze away before continuing, "how 'bout we get supper ready, yeah?"

--

Evenings in Pandora had a certain, sequestered feeling to them. A wide open, barren land, yet, evening sent a hush over the bloodlust and screeches that regularly filled the air.

Brick added small scraps of kindling to the fire, looking up to the starry night sky. At times, it was just nice to be able to sit and gaze. His attention was soon shifted when the crunching of small rocks and debris echoed closer.

Mordecai stood idly behind the bigger man, slowly shuffling besides him.

"Good sleep?"

Mordecai chuffed, letting himself take a seat besides the berserker.

"Is there such a thing as 'good' rest on Pandora?" He said, pushing his goggles atop his head.

"Guess not, ain't too bad up 'ere though. 'Less the bandits climb up," Brick added.

"Mmhm," Mordecai absently gave.

The sniper glanced around before grabbing hold of a nearby stick, starting to poke at the burning embers gingerly, watching the ashes lift into the air.

"So, Grace," Brick began once the deafening silence grew to be too much, "she's-"

"Yeah."

"How'd she-"

"Vardkids nest."

The quickness of the response sent a chill of concern over the man.

"Everything, everything alright, Mordy?"

Mordecai blinked slowly, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment as his chest tightened, heart thudding at an erratic rythm.

'S'not fair, Grace," his voice wavered, barely audible over the crackling of the fire, "she was just a kid," Mordecai finished, turning his head towards Brick.

The berserker watched the illuminated visage of the other man, lips parting into a quiet, 'oh' as the flickering lights revealed the glassy, glazed over eyes of the sniper.

"Come 'ere," Brick softly spoke as he lifted the lanky sniper onto his lap.

Limbs weakly wrapped around his broad body without hesitation.

"It's not fair," he repeated, muffled in the nape of Brick's neck.

"I know it ain't, ain't never fair when the good die, 'specially kids," Brick mused, moving one hand over the smaller man's shoulder blades, the other smoothing the sniper's dreads back.

"She was so excited to turn 13," he took a shakey breath, "at our last teaching I told her 'bout what Tina was doing at 13 and you know what she said?"

Brick hummed for a moment, hesitant in a sense, "What'd she say?"

" 'Explosions and tea parties are cool and all Mordecai, but, give me a rifle and a varkid pit and I'll be happier than a skagg in a trash-heap'," he chuckled.

Brick's brows raised at the laughter; the sniper's breaths inbetween the strained chuckles grew ragged. Gradually, Mordecai's shoulders continued to shake, despite the laughter dwindling to be inaudible.

"Mordy?"

"She always came out with remarks like that," painful-dimples showing on his cheeks as he gave a tight lipped smile.

The berserker gave a sympathetic look. It was- painful for Brick to see Mordecai like this.

"Mordecai."

Brick could feel the sniper's fist clenching as he grasped at the fabric of his shirt; he wasn't sure if it were out of anger or anguish.

Mordecai turned his visage back to the berserker, the pricking sensation finally sending the first tear to fall free, the rest following as an unbreakable stream. His jaw clenched in a feeble attempt to hold back the sob lodged tightly in his throat.

Within the hazed and blurred world spinning around him, Mordecai felt a steady hand curling around his small frame, holding him close. He pressed his face into the other man, soaking the shirt with warm tears as the wracking sobs fell past his parted lips.

Brick held the lanky sniper close, murmuring what he could only hope was being taken as reassurance.

After a small while the cries became hiccuped breaths.

The berserker looked down, smiling softly.

"Feel better?"

Mordecai nodded, scrubbing at his eyes, "Sorry, this is pathetic," he said, shifting awkwardly.

Brick shrugged slightly, "Not pathetic, it's s'okay to cry about this stuff."

"Yeah, but," the sniper fiddled with the strap of his goggles, "she wasn't even my kid, I only knew her for little while, I don't know, I guess I just, feel like I shouldn't be this hung up on it," Mordecai softly gave.

His stumbled words came to a halt once a hand cupped his cheek, tiliting his head up slightly.

"You got to know her and her dad, you even watched over her when her dad went for a supply line, 'member?"

Mordecai slowly nodded, eyes squinting as he tried to guess where Brick was going with this.

"And most parents wouldn' leave their kid with someone they weren't close to, yeah? What I'm sayin' is you got close to them in short time. So," Brick paused to wipe away the stray tears off the sniper's cheeks, "It s'all okay to mourn."

Mordecai pierced his lips together before pressing his cheek into the open palm of the bigger man, appreciative of the comments.

Brick smiled sincerely at the display of affection.

"You gonna be okay?" He asked.

Mordecai nodded, "Yeah, think so. And hey, thanks for dealing with my sad sack of bones," he gave.

"Gotta make sure my buddies are doing okay too. Can't change those sad bones int'a happy ones, can try to make 'em have a comfortable place to be though."

The sniper chuckled genuinely as he patted at the man's bicep, resuming his previous position on Brick's lap. A small yawn escaped past his lips as he closed his eyes, "Well, you're doing real good with that," he sleepily mumbled out before allowing himself to finally let rest overcome him.

Brick smiled contentedly as he leaned back slightly, looking up to the smoke that lingered away from the dwindling fire, entwining with starry night sky.

In moments like this, he grew futher gratefully of the night's hushed tones.

Once the fire finally let itself out, Brick stood up, walking back to his room, holding securely to the sleeping sniper.

He laied the man in his bed before climbing in himself.

"Good night, Mordy," he whispered to the sleeping body once he settled in for the evening.

[ocean-butch]

How is cas different from ur other girlfriends

akcjwjxia i had to wait like SIX HOURS to answer this bc of a goddamn test i had bUT OH BOY ANON AM I GONNA LOVE DOING IT alfjadjsk i just love talking about my gf i love her so much i wanna gush about her 25/8

the short answer would be basically in every way bUt imma do it part by part.

okay so, in a simplified version i’ve had relationships with people whose personalities worked well with me but who were shitty girlfriends or a good girlfriend who just didnt really fit with my personality. i’ve actually given that so much thought even before i met cass, but the point is that i met her and she was just perfect for me in both ways (technically its more complicated bc theres a bunch of logic into this that im not explaining bc my mind is weird and it would be Way too long but anyways). but ok let get into How she fits me perfectly.

first of all literally no one ever in my entire life has made me laugh as easily and genuinely as she does. im not even exaggerating, like laughing was never really A Thing for me to look for in girls bc it just never happened???? like i had fun conversations and stuff but there was never anyone that made me go “holy shit i have never laughed this much with anyone else” and we have So many inside jokes, which is a thing that i almost never have????? and i always used to wish i did bc everyone would talk about it and i’d feel like i just wasnt funny and That was the problem. and also this is really important bc its one of the things that made me realize that i liked (and eventually, came to love) her. bUT its not the only one so theres also like all these things that we like and we can talk about for HOURS like i remember when i watched infinity war and the first thing i did when i got home was call her and we talked about it for like 2 hours idek but it was great. the point is, we have a bunch of shared interests (which isnt like 100% necessary but its still really nice), wHICH LEADS ME TO: her music taste is amazing and i love that so much bc i love music With My Entire Soul and its the best thing in the fucking world (after cass & my friends and tied with the ocean) but yeah thats great too. AND i think more importantly than the last 2 things is that she is literally so fucking easy to talk to. like ever since the beginning we didnt really have that awkward phase where we run out of things to talk about and the conversation keeps dying like we never had that it just flowed so well and that was such a good feeling. another thing is also how comfortable i feel talking to her.

like i have never felt this way with any of my girlfriends bc i was always scared that i was gonna be annoying or say something Wrong and they’d start to realize i sucked and then break up with me, but shes just so kind and idk she just has this way about her that makes me feel at home and its always been there like i dont believe in love at first sight or anything like that but i swear to god the day after i met her i already felt like i could tell her anything and that was such a comforting thing and i needed that so badly at the time. i dont feel like i was able to describe this aspect very well tbh like im not doing it justice. like, she makes me feel like im not annoying at all, and like i could just randomly start ranting about anything and she would be like super invested in it, and just literally so comfortable in every sense of the word. she is my home, no ifs ands or buts, i just feel it every single time that we talk or that i simply think about her, and i have never felt this so clearly with anyone. and i think this comfort i feel with her is kinda connected with how she has always made me felt so appreciated, in a way that no one has ever done. like, i had like 2 tags about my wants and needs in a relationship, there was “my dream girl” to remind me that i shouldnt settle for anyone after i got out of a rlly bad relationship, and there was “things i wish someone would tell me” after my “first” relationship (i dont really count it bc Officially™ we only dated for a week) because my gf at the time would almost never be affectionate with me and it made me really insecure so i started that tag as a way to vent kinda. anyways my point is that i made those tags bc i would always feel super anxious in my relationships bc i never really felt loved or even wanted (aka the good personalities awful gfs relationships) i just felt like a burden and it was such a big thing for me.

okay now i’ll say that there Kinda was an exception to this before cass, because it would be unfair to say that that relationship was detrimental to my mental health, but it was still different. like, that ex did make me feel wanted most times, but not only did i still have A Lot of insecurities about the whole thing bc of some things she would say and do or not say and not do and i’d get like super uncomfortable or just sad really but also bc whenever the conversation would start to die out i was Absolutely Certain that she was gonna break up with me. it was pretty bad im not even joking. and like ofc my anxiety isnt her fault OR responsibility and like sure i still get anxious about cass sometimes but its not like that its basically just when she doesnt answer for a long time i think that something bad might have happened but even when my rude ass brain does try to tell me that she doesnt love me i KNOW that its not true, and that is a kind of peace that i have never ever had before. but anyways, so that was the good gf whose personality didnt fit mine and its weird now bc that is so obvious but i really didnt wanna believe it at the time even though i knew it wasnt gonna work out, but now its just really weird ngl (but i wont get into the why).

and now cass. wow okay let me tell you about cass. she is perfection. she is literally everything i have ever wanted AND things i didnt even know i wanted. she is everything no one else ever was and i just remembered that when we started dating in may i said that exact same sentence to abby. its just so true, she really is everything that no one else could be. because theyre not her. i’ve said this a lot of times but i really dont see how i could ever love anyone else after loving her, it just doesnt make sense to me because she really is like,, as good as it gets. there is no one better than her for me. we’re literally meant to be i s2g like when we broke up for a while i would tell everyone i wasnt really trying to move on at all bc i just hoped she would come back to me and i couldnt miss that chance. i knew she was my soulmate, although at some points i lost almost all hope (but never all) and i started thinking that maybe she was the love of my life but i wasnt the love of hers. and thats bc she really is everything ive ever dreamed of like she has all these little things that she does or say that sometimes wouldnt even mean anything to other people but to me they are So important bc theyre things ive dreamed about while my ex girlfriends ignored me akcjsjxn like, i was talking about how comfortable she feels to me and a big part of that comes from little things like the fact that even when we were just friends she would spam me when i was gone for a long time and that not only made me feel missed and appreciated but also it meant i could do that to her and it wouldnt be annoying bc she felt the same!! like, she missed me too! and me knowing that she actually Wanted to talk to me and the fact that she actually showed me she cared was super great when we started dating bc it made me feel like if i was feeling sad or insecure, i could literally just ask her to be a little more affectionate and it wouldnt feel fake bc i actually knew she cared. and you have No idea how much that meant to me bc i literally didnt know it was possible for me to feel that way. like honestly i thought it was an innate aspect of who i am that like if i asked for affection it would be meaningless? bc i’d be lowkey forcing the person to say something? but with her it felt different bc we had enough intimacy for me to feel comfortable enough to do that.

HOWEVER i never actually Had to do that bc i got insecure exactly once (1) on the first night we started dating back in may bc i didnt know how much she liked me and i was like in love with her so i thought she would think i was too much and then i told her i was sad and that i was gonna sleep and the next day when i woke up she said something along the lines of “how are you babe bc i remember you said you were sad last night and i couldnt stop thinking about it bc i want you to feel good all the time” and thats something so small but wow it just meant so much to me bc i would cry and beg any fucking force in the universe to make my last ex do Anything At All to try to make me Not Sad and it would be awful and i would feel so so unloved and then cass just said that and something clicked in me and i never doubted her feelings to an actual Meaningful extent while we’ve been together anymore (like ofc i get insecure sometimes and especially when we broke up, but while we have been dating ive never gotten like actually Sad™ specifically bc i wasnt sure she liked me) but it gets even better because some of the things she does are so so special that i never even imagined them like shes literally unreal, i literally never thought someone like her existed and its just so wild to me that i get to be with her.

and i know im saying a bunch of cliches but i mean it all so much like i remember when i was dating one of my exes i was learning her first language but she didnt try to learn mine and i really wished she would bc i just always loved the idea that someone would do that for me?? (and she was like the good gf so yknow,, just how that relationship literally did Not even compare to cass) and guess what yes cass is learning portuguese and its the cutest thing ever btw bUt the point is she does all the little things ive ever wanted in a partner (i literally have a post with a list of things i appreciate in a partner and she does all of them!! well, the ones that arent like irl or smth) also i literally have a draft in this blog that is a list of cute things cass has done/said that means a lot to me personally but i didnt post it yet ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and like theres just so so many things that i havent talked about, like how im not even sure if i was ever in love with anyone of them anymore because what i feel for cass is just so different and so much more, or like how cass actually makes me want to try to get better, which ive never actually wanted before bc it always seemed to scary, like she literally makes me wanna be not only alive but also happy bc she makes me feel like i deserve it. she has been such a good influence on me and my mental health and thats so important and its the first time someone has been this good for me.

but anyways the point is that cass is right for me in every single way like she really is my other half she literally just is everything that she is and thats how shes different from my ex girlfriends.

[spillingmylifetea4481]

Chapter 5: My breaking point.

As if I hadn't experienced already that revolving my life around my boyfriend led nowhere, douchebag and I were really fond of each other. But of course you don't really know someone until you live with them. The first time I came to his house in Carlton Ga before I moved in there was a girl in his bed. This rubbed me the wrong way but I did finally see they were just really close friends from highschool and that she wasn't a threat to me after some time. Red flag number one. His hobbies were smoking weed and playing video games and reading comic books, endless hours of netflix watching. Oh. And messaging a shit ton of girls. Red flag number two. We lived with his mother and sister in a beat up trailer and he would constantly ask her for money for food and weed etc. He would have his close friends over for smoking sessions for hours on end and I grew tired of it because I wanted time with him too. He didnt work ever in his life for anything up to that point. He never cleaned up after himself or his dog or showed respect for himself as well as those around him. I ended up getting a job up the road at a gas station/cafe and ended up smoking loads myself, supporting his endless habits and showering him in attention and gifts. But at this point in my life I was easily jealous. When I was with Bob he cheated on me before he even took my virginity as well as my first couple short time boyfriennds also cheating on me before him so I was on my toes about douchebag talking to so many girls. We ended up hanging at his friends house often where I experienced xanax and psychedelics for the first time without a care in the world. We would get into arguments all the time over me demanding that he treated me with more respect and stop flirting with other girls. It never got anywhere. I dont really remember all that happened but one night I took xanax and drank after a fight and he left to his friends house and my mind immediately went to him going off with some girl so evidently I had ended up sending pictures of myself to Bob in my underwear ( funny because when we were together somehow the ones I sent him back then ended up on a porn site and my best friend in South Florida saw it had had to report it as child porn) and douchebag woke me up holding my phone to my face saying" what the fuck is this?" My immediate reaction was to crush my phone with my bare hands and beg him to believe me that they were old pictures. I was embarassed and couldn't believe I did that with hardly any memory of it.. So I chose to lie as if that was justifiable. Not long after that he ended up cheating on me with a girl down the street and I didnt find out about it until right before I had my son. I believe this is what initiated the inevitable with this poor excuse of a man. Many months went by with this toxic relationship and I became more obsessed with digging into his phone to find evidence of him cheating on me that I never spot on found. Anything I did find he always had a lie or excuse or gaslighted me on it. Then boom. A year and a half in I find out im pregnant. I had a hard pregnancy and gained a shit ton of weight so I was miserable. I went from 132 pounds to 204 pounds in 8 and a half months. I had mostly quit smoking but occaisionally I didn't stop myself due to relationship stress and physical exhaustion. Finally douchebag proposed to me at 7 months pregnant surely enforced by his mother and grandfather and we planned to get married. 8 and a half months pregnant I went into labor. I was so scared and excited all just to be ruined by him saying to me " look before we get married I want us to have a clean slate. So im telling you that I did cheat on you with someone." I said I forgave him but really I didn't. That's all it took to verify I wasn't crazy and he was a liar and a cheat and that I would most definitely would never trust him again. It was rough after we had my son. I was only 19 about to turn 20 and knew nothing of taking care of myself let alone a whole fucking baby. But we went through the motions of arguing and moving to Athens together into our own apartment with a lot of help from our income taxes and his mother. After I spied on him through his phone I found out he started seeing girls online behind my back while I was at work at our house, and even had them meet up with him at his work. I heard so many stories of his infidelities since at the time we both worked at Waffle house. I lost count of how many girls there were. I was desperate to fix the relationship so I started dancing around the idea of threesomes and open relationships to try to please him since he didnt seem to believe in monogamy. He brought girls over having them stay for days on end. I would cry and get angry and jealous and didnt know how to handle myself or the situation especially with my at the time 1 and a half year old baby. There was one girl in particular who came to our house to meet us to see if we were compatible for a threesome and she ended up seeing him behind my back. She was beautiful and honestly it wasn't her fault as much as I wanted it to be at the time.. He was head over heels for this girl and I thought to myself how I wasnt good enough. How all my hard work into this relationship was never going to be enough and I must have been ugly or unlikable, I gained weight so maybe he just didnt find me attractive anymore. We tried having a threesome after I confronted them about it and I guess they did it out of pity but mind you I genuinely have no interest in having sex with girls. Of course one night when he was supposed to be hanging out with her I talked him into staying home and trying to work things out and the girl FUCKING DIES IN HER SLEEP BRO. I was a chump and supported this man I had spent up to 4 years with and had a fucking child with crying over a woman I had caught him cheating on me with multiple times. I went to the funeral with him which Im sure everyone felt was fucking weird. Even had a video of them fucking since I needed proof to show him I knew he was lying dead ass to my face. I was depressed, contemplated suicide, etc. We fought in front of my son and I yelled at him when I lost patience. Made him spend time to himself in his room a lot which wasn't fair or responsible of me at all and I think about it every day. Im sure some part of me was going through post partum depression and didn't accept it. My poor baby boy had to see so much. I was addicted to pills and would spend all day finding money for my fix and dealers just to keep myself high enough to deal with him. I ended up going to jail in 2015 for shoplifting because I was ballsy about stealing stuff for my house since I spent all my money on drugs. I almost caught a felony. (Don't worry im not a theif anymore I learned my lesson) He respected and cared for me less every day of that relationship. This went on for at least several more months before I finally snapped and had enough of the lying and cheating and had a physical altercation with him..I moved in with one of my friends. He had already moved another girl in right after I left. I didn't even have a chance to get my things. I tried to befriend his new girlfriend and warn her of what he put me through and she didn't listen to me at all. Two weeks go by, I stopped taking drugs so I was going through withdrawals and fucked in the head even more intensely at that point and he calls me up throwing accusations at me taking his girlfriends belongings so I nutted the fuck up. I drove over there to get my shit and told him off for having me wait that long because "HE needed space." I go to unlock the door and this piece of shit holds the lock closed. So what do I do? Rationally handle it and call an officer to supervise? Nope. I took a fire extinguisher and busted the fuckin door down. Broke his tv. He started fighting me after I pushed him back for not letting me get my shit. Tried to strangle me, slammed my body in the door smashing my extremities repeatedly trying to keep me out, I went straight for his hair since he was sensitive about balding when he was young, he scratched my arm, he started destroying my lesther jacket with a steaknife,and my photo canvases that were not cheap after I broke his Tv, I don't even remember what all was said, then he threatened to cut his wrists with it and I just laughed and said "Give me that you little shit if you were going to die that way you would have done it already". My dumb ass went to take the knife from him and he pulled it back and cut my finger open. The police were called and they took me to jail since I was too fucking honest and told them I had just moved out even though my name was still on the rental agreement. After I got out I tried to get back on my feet. My son ended up staying with his Grandfather and his wife in the midst of all this so he didnt see any of these altercations go down thank god. I stayed in bed for about a whole month and did nothing. I didn't eat, couldn't sleep, and smoked weed just to keep my nerves and withdrawals from opiates at bay. I did get revenge on the girl he was with by cutting 2 of her tires and cutting one of her brakes. It was risky but I got away with it. I lost a bunch of weight in a month and looked sick but I was thin for the first time in 2 years so I didnt care.. I slept around a good bit trying to fill the massive hole in my heart but nothing really fufilled what I was longing for. 5 years of some prime years in my life so disgraced and wasted on this fucking guy. Another fucking guy once again I've spent too much time and effort on. I've never been the same since then. To be continued...

[tumblunni]

aaaaaugh that was a weird adventure of a normal thing seriously wtf how did I Almost Die from just trying to pay my electricity bills?? the electricity went out at midnight and I was having a WHOPPING GIANT MIGRAINE and seriously i suck at talking to cashiers on the best of days but now i have to call a taxi at midnight and sit there feeling awkward for like half an hour while the guy drives me several miles away to the only electricity place thats open 24/7 and like five minutes in i realized OH SHIT THIS MIGRAINE IS MORE SERIOUS THAN I EXPECTED but like i was trapped in a car and trapped in an awkward social situation! so i was here all dizzy and disassociating and like it felt like the window was a computer screen?? cos im nearsighted a lot and of course its gonna get even worse when i have a dizzy migraine of death doom. i was just so out of it with pain and tiredness and the car shaking me about and just it felt like i wasnt really there but i was still in my house just watching all this on the tv or something. i had to look down at my hands cos they were the only non blurry thing, i had to remind myself that i actually existed and wasnt somehow being erased from the world and replaced by a film reel of some guy sitting in a car?? So I am like Absolutely Fucking Nonfunctional here, and being acutely aware of how i forgot to wear my glasses and apparantly also my socks. Tho in my defense it would have been hard to put them on in the dark anyway! and seriously THIS POOR CAB GUY! like it seemed english wasnt his first language and i felt so bad cos like how can i make it clear that I am the one messing up here?? dude you didnt mishear me i really am slurring everything i say and forgetting half the dictionary. HE WAS SO NICE! I wish i could have like.. been able to register any of his individual faceparts as a coherant whole. I have problems with prosopagnosia even on a good day, but like whoa man i did not have the energy left to concentrate on what this guy even looked like. i feel bad cos i dont know his name either, im gonna remember him as just this big helpful shadow void with a nice accent. HOW DID YOU PUT UP WITH ME EMBARASSING MYSELF SO MUCH, YOU WONDERFUL CABMAN actaully wait do you call them cabs in america aa im sorry this post isnt very america translated i try and generally self-correct to america english cos i know like 90% of my followers seems to be america for some reason i do not understand HELLO AMERICDA FRIENDS TODAY okay so i was Dying in a taxi which is also called a cab, and the company was Capital Cabs which is very good and i love them and they have an automated system so you dont have to talk on the phone and seriously that cut like 50% of terror from this terror day SO ANYWAY I WAS DYING we go all over the place looking for the 24 hours electric place, and then for some reason they are closed?? there was a line outside and i think actually the doors got stuck and the cashiers couldnt get out??? what happened?? i guess i will never know cos i had to leave that mini story behind and find another electric hilariously we found one LITERALLY ACROSS THE ROAD there was THE SAME SHOP ACROSS THE ROAD FACING EACH OTHER MIRROR IMAGE WHAT like seriously fuck im already in a dizzy daze floating halfway out my own body like i didnt need any more evidence im currently in wonderland i want to know this story too, dammit! are those rival stores?? of the same brand?? somehow?? or are they owned by the same person?? because why?? is it like the area was so in-demand of small 24/7 shops that they had to make two within five metres of each other? or is it like they’re the same shop but they didnt have enough space to build the full size they wanted so they purchased two smaller land plots? or something? DID IT JUST EXIST FOR THIS SPECIFIC CIRCUMSTANCE OF ME NEEDING THE SHOP WHEN THE SHOP IS CLOSED “tumblr blogger tumblunni will show up fuckin migraine stoned on the 9th of november, as the prophecy foretold” omg i just mispelled prophecy as prophey and that sounds like a cute ass oc name holy shit ANYWAY im here dissacoiating my ass off and trying and failing to stick my debit card in the card machine and all the time im like FUCKIN OBSESSING over how sauboh is a really better name. Like faba is still a cute name but sauboh is a COOL name! no name is better than sauboh! and why u wanna this evil man have a cute name anyway?? when u be all cruel in the anime and sand off even the slightest non horrible edges he ever had, like seriously im unreasonably upset that everyone hates faba even more now. when will i get my sneaky science grandpa guy who is not evil for once but merely misunderstood and then i adopt him and hug him many and the all is resolved so yeah im fuckin haviung trouble focusing on what im actually doing jesus christ then i stumble into the store and i pay for my electric and im like ‘no no no fucking shit this migraine is WAY worse than i expected, im going to fucking die’ so i ask if they have any paracetamol but i cant remember the word for paracetamol and its all super embarassing. and like THE GUY LOOKS AT ME AS IF IM CRAZY. He’s all ‘ugh why would we have that, geez’. like wtf?? i mean i know i couldnt remember the name of it but i said ‘headache medicine’ so im sure he understood what i meant. i had a long rambling discussion with the taxi man about how weird that was, he was like ‘no, seriously EVERY 24 hour newsagent sells that stuff’ and i was like ‘no seriously he was rude to me for asking, like wtf’ and then i repeated the story about three more times cos i was currently in the throes of brain death in retrospect maybe the cashier thought i was drunk or something?? or high? i mean you cant get high from headache pills but i dunno maybe they mix badly with booze and he thought he was saving my life. i like to think the best of people! i wish i hadnt jumped to the grumpy conclusion during that moment and then whined like a lil bitch to this poor cab man and seriously he was SO NICE! he was like ‘dude seriously we’d have to drive anothr five miles to find another newsagent shop, im trying to save you money’ and he tried to give me some of the paracetamol he had in his wallet and i was like YOURE SO FUCKIN NICE IM DYING, I COULD NEVER ACCEPT THAT but also in retrospect probably that was a good decision cos even if the guy seemed super nice and trustable its like Good Life Policy to not take medicine from people you don’t know. I am 100% sure tho that he actually was genuine and wasnt gonna fuckin murder me with fakeacetamol HE WAS SO NICE! HIM AND HIS NONDESCRIPT FACIAL REGION! why cant i remember ANYTHING about this man oh and also I was able to give some money to a lady on the street!! i don’t know if she was actually homeless, she said that she had some trouble with a hotel booking or something so she was just stuck sleeping outside for the night. i cant remember if she had any luggage so i cant verify if the story is true, it just made me really sad wondering if it WASNT true and its like she needed to lie or people wouldnt give her money?? like seriously homeless people are the most vunerable yet theyre the ones people have the least sympathy for! wtf having to like like ‘i need the money less’... anyway i also couldnt remember her face and was kinda slurring my words to death and i didnt have much money to give but aaaa i hope i helped!! so yeah fuckin SMASH CUT to the next newsagent place and seriously i swear i blacked out for a minute cos it was just like wow we’re there in 48 seconds yet the clock says a bunch more miles and THEY HAD PARACETALMOL AND I WAS FUCKIN CRYING IN A SPAR MART thenk u cashier man who was probablyh very confused at this guy with no socks also for some reason my mind was wandering to the topic of what i’d do if i got misgendered in a cinema, like holding this fuckin entire fictional argument with this manifestation of my own self doubt WHAT EVEN INSPIRED THAT THOUGHT PROCESS so i’m nigh passing out and the nice cab man takes me home and he tries to make me pay less than the fee on the clock and im like NO DUDE IT WAS MY OWN CHOICE TO GO 2 PARACETAMOL SHOP seriously he was SO NICE why cant i remember his faaaaaace and i usually like to give a tip to the taxi guy even though tipping isnt really a thing in my country cos just i feel like Being Nice Is Nice and i want to thank them for their nice but i DIDNT HAVE ANY MORE MONEY LEFT so aaaa i was only able to give him an extra £0.50 but thank you taxi man i hope you have a good night and good life and the universe rewards you for helping a migraine fucked bunbun this eve and now ive shoved medicines in my fave and im just waiting for them to kick in and i know i should eat something but i feel so nauseous aaarglefargle also nice taxi man told me a story about how the same thing happened to him once except the electric went out while he was in the shower. So he just got blasted by cold water AND had to stumble down the stairs in the dark, and then friggin buy electric while his ears were still fulla soap. Whoa dude your bravery in face of embarassment exceeds my own! i love you platonically mr cab man thanks for making me feel less nervous and such while i was Die so yeah hopefully i will be less die soon ok bye also sauboh is a best name and i need to steal it for an oc or something NINTEND U LET IT SLIP AWAY

[saintkimora]

well here is how my past 3-5 dates w joel have gone this past week

so! ive been spending the night w him p much every other night. so our 4th date was like 8 days ago. i got there and i THOUGHT we were gonna be in his room again but we were in his room for 2 seconds then he came in like “oh btw my roommates are making us go in the living room and be social” so i was like ..................................................rip i was like here i go its time for the caleb and leeann applebees date 2.0 :/ so we went in to the living room and it was with marissa and lindsey bc his other roommate was out. so everyone was like wtf are we gonna do so after some talking joel decided we would all watch the babadook on netflix since we were talking about the meme and most of us hadnt seen it. i hate scary movies but i figured i could get through it since i had joel to hold on to and since the babadook is like a meme now. so yeah it was fine i got along ok w the roommates and the movie wasnt that scary except for one part. there was one point where i felt like i was starting to shut down a little and i was feeling bad about possibly ruining things again but i asked joel afterwards and he didnt even notice lmao so i dont think it was as bad as i thought

lindsey went to bed halfway through the movie so it was just me joel and marissa by the end. after the movie marissa went into her room and joel and i went back to his room. idk if this next part happened at this point or if it happened on our next date bc its hard for me to keep the timeline straight since it all happens so fast lol so regardless of what day it was this was the next significant thing that happened w me and joel

so i was watching him play overwatch or something and his brother called him on the phone and they had a long conversation about joels financial situation while i was just sitting there lol. so afterwards joel put his head in my lap and explained all his problems to me about how hes so stressed out with money and stuff. and like obv i felt really bad for him bc that sucks. BUT i actually kinda liked it bc i liked how vulnerable and genuine he was being! it made me feel a lot closer to him. then we watched these olds 80s (?) game shows w his head still in my lap (one of them was like some knockoff of snatch game but w regular celebrities instead of drag queens omg) and he had the FUNNIEST commentary about all the old commercials and stuff lol i havent laughed that hard in a LONG time so it was really nice

and idk if this happened that night or the babadook night but i ate his ass again and once again it was a religious experience like his ass is SOOOOOOOO nice i still cant get over it lmao

so then fast forward to the next 2 days later and for whatever reason joel and i werent planning on meeting that night. but he texted me at like 2am telling me he was feeling kinda down about things and how he wished i was there w him rn so i decided to go visit him! and like he kept being like “i dont wanna bother you/i feel bad about always making you come all the way out here for me” and how he wasnt used to guys putting in so much effort and caring about him so much and like...it really wasnt that serious like it wasnt a hindrance to me at all bc i wanted to see him anyways lol but it did make me feel kinda bad for him bc like his old bfs must have been real flops for him to view me just doing decent bf things as like these grand gestures. i have more to say on this but it will be towards the end of the post

so yeah i showered and got there by like 3am. he set up his futon since it was bigger than his bed so we would have more room. and he talked to me about how stressed he was about money and medical school applications and how he felt kinda worthless so i listened to him and comforted him and all that stuff. then we watched the rpdr reunion together and it was SO much fun omg he was shook p much the whole time since it was so iconic. then we went to sleep since i had work in the morning

also like the night after that we were texting and i told him i was really tired and he was like but youre never tired and i was like ya but i had 2 full days of work and i barely got any sleep last night (which was bc i was awake w him until like 5am) and i realized afterwards that it was kinda mean of me to say it bc to me i was just explaining why i was tired but he was already feeling like a burden making me drive all the way there and comfort him so telling him how tired i was probably made him feel bad about asking me for comfort which is NOT how i want him to feel bc i want him to be able to request my help whenever he needs it. so i could tell he was kinda caught off guard by me saying it so i called him and apologized and we cleared it all up. anyways it was just nice to actually call him and discuss the issue and resolve it without any drama. and he said it meant a lot that i even called him to make sure he was feeling ok so it seems that at least i did something right 

there was the next date which was pretty much the same as usual. this time i watched him play diablo 3. but this time we also fooled around and he made me cum and then i was trying to make him cum but i fell asleep bc i was so tired asfnkjashdasna i felt SOOOOOOOOO bad when i woke up that morning :( i apologized and he said it was fine and he was tired too but i still felt bad about it

so then last night/this morning was our most recent date. when i got there a friend of him/his roommates named chris was using his room bc he was playing overwatch so i had to hang out w joel marissa and lindsey in the living room. it was extremely nerve wracking and i was sweating like crazy but i tried to hide my nervousness and socialize. lindsey and marissa seem to like me esp bc i brought joel a gift that day (hes like obsessed w friends and i saw a friends t shirt when i was shopping that day so i got it for him lol) also lindsey is iconic bc she is so wacky shes always getting on the floor and doing weird poses and moves and stunts. and marissa is p funny so i like them both. but still having to talk to them was stressful even though theyre both really nice. lindsey walked into joels room later that night when he was laying down and i was sitting on top of him and said she wanted to join and then later when joel was in the kitchen she came in the doorway and asked if i could be her boyfriend asfjkafndsjnkajs now THIS is a cracked queen

so the rest of the night was nice! we watched like 3 drag race s5 eps on amazon video and we did lots of cuddling and stuff as usual. then we went to bed and we woke up and we fooled around and we BOTH came this time. it was difficult for me trying to get him to cum but i had to power through it bc i had to redeem myself after last time. then i watched him play overwatch and then i watched him play destiny. i really enjoyed it! like i was sitting there cuddling a cute guy and watching him play videogames w both of us shirtless like that is literally all i want and i finally have it!

so yeah! its going really well w joel at the moment. we get along really well and i like his sense of humor and its nice having someone w similar interests to mine! and i love playing w his hair and touching his nice soft belly and his thick thighs and playing w his beard. and i looooooooooooooooooooovvvveeeeeee his voice so much omg the way he says certain words is so cute and hes always making cute weird noises and its super endearing. and i LOVE love love being able to cuddle w someone until we both fall asleep and then waking up together! its so nice 

he doesnt seem to be losing interest in me yet which is good. however this is the issue that i mentioned earlier that i would come back to. so hes constantly telling me about how hes not used to being w someone that puts in so much effort and treats him so well. so that got me thinking. like...obv he likes me at least a little but i have a feeling he might like me a lot more rn bc he isnt used to being treated so nicely. so like, after the initial novelty of being treated like this wears off im afraid he’ll realize he doesnt actually like me that much (like if it ends up being more of a he likes the way i make him feel more than he actually likes me as a person). so im kinda worried about that but im hoping it doesnt happen obv and that he continues to like me. and again. we’ve been in somewhat social situations together now since i had to talk to his 2 roommates but it really wasnt easy for me at all. and we still havent actually gone “out” and done something, like going out to eat or attending a function together or something. so i still have to wait and see how we’re able to interact in those situations before i can determine whether our relationship will work out. im also still too nervous to eat in front of him so whenever he asks if im hungry i lie and say no even though majority of the time i am actually really hungry :/ rip

so yeah thats p much it! its pretty nice atm, except for the issues i just mentioned. also last night joel told me that one of his hookup buddies was back in town the other day and texted him but he had to turn him down and tell him that he is with someone now (me) so that was nice to know! since he seems to view us as exclusive now. we still havent officially decided we are in a relationship but im really in no rush to do that since its only been like a week and a half so i want to continue getting to know him and stuff. i still do feel that he is gonna lose interest at some point but rn it seems that will be later rather than sooner so i am just trying to take it day by day. im also worried about greece since ill be gone for a month so it is very possible that he might meet someone else that he likes more during that time which would really suck. but im kinda just operating on the assumption that its what is gonna happen that way if it does happen i wont be too shocked and if it doesnt happen ill be pleasantly surprised

so yeah thats it, overall its going really well and im having a lot of fun with him! hopefully things continue on this path and we get even closer bc i really like him so far

[this-blog-should-not-exist]

It’s a blog for a reason

Idk if i’ll keep up with this actually or not but its a blog for a reason, they’re places were you can talk about whatever the fuck you want. I said Id do the same thing with my personal blog but also I follow some friends on that blog and they probably don't want to hear about the stuff I get up to or my little depressive episodes. I mean sure they’ll show their concern but that only goes so far I guess. 

Idk I mean it’s just a place for me to talk, I once started a google docs document where I had the idea to start writing like a guide? i guess you could call it but where I would write the name of someone I knew, one of my friends, a family member, ex boyfriends, whoever then I would create an entry of who they were, their interactions with me, my relationship with them and what I thought of them or their like defining character traits or actions that stood out to me. The benefit with this though I guess is that I can just type whatever comes to mind as i type it. Sometimes it could be organized and tie into older posts if I keep up with it or it could just be on the fly stories and recollections of thing that have happened to me or what I’m feeling at the time. Ive meant or at least had the idea to actually physically write this or start a journal where I could do the same thing but that would take me much longer to do where typing I can do much faster and get more thoughts out. Plus writing for so long and about so much makes my hand hurt after a while and I can’t talk about all I wanted to because I can't keep writing. I don't have that problem with typing XD

I guess I could start with some recent events that have been on my mind. So I guess about like 2 months ago? I had gotten a Tinder. That in itself was an event XD Ive always been both curious and scared of it because in my mind meeting someone on tinder doesn't feel as genuine when meeting someone by chance or passing or words between friends to meet someone new. But I had gotten one and within a few weeks I had made quite a few matches, however none of them seemed really into it. Half of them never messaged me back and only seemed to be there for the sake of getting a match, others may have talked back but didn't seem interested in trying to start something or meet up for a date. I had finally gotten one guy to go on a date with me, I had never really talked to him but Ive seen his face around because we had some friends within the same social group but like I said, never really met or talked to him only seen him on like instagram before. We had gone on one date and texted a bit but he just wasnt for me. I called him a “real flower child” is the best way I can describe it. Now I don't mean to offend anyone but also who the fuck is gonna read all this, this is only my first like text blog post no one really cares its more for me to get this out. Anyway I call him a real flower child because he's very outdoorsy and loves nature and Lana Del Ray and has the whole nose ring piercing, curly hair, circular glasses, he actually said once “the world make me sad” as he took a bath with candles and a bath bomb, he also said “wine makes me cry” which I mean ok maybe wine does make people drunk cry but still its all about his aesthetic. Its a fun aesthetic but that’s just not for me.

After him I had an occasional match but I ran into the same problem where either no one wanted to talk and was just there for a match or they never seemed interested. I had given up on the app really but I kept it around because in the back of my head I'm thinking like alright, its all good, I'm a patient person it just takes some time, you never know I may meet someone actually, and then last week I matched with two guys. One that lives on the other side of Columbus and one that lives just outside of Easton. The one on the other side of Columbus is really cute and had a lot of the same interests and is just kinda quirky and fun, I just haven't met him yet but we both want to meet up. Now the other one I’ll just say J, he lives outside of Easton and I went on my first date with him on Sunday. It was a good day, we had wandered around Easton, gone out to eat and saw a movie. He also has a lot of the same interests as me, video games, some anime, youtube, but thats about it actually now that I think about it. He's a little rough, like more aggressive but in a sarcastic way I guess. But we vibe well together i feel. Shorter than me, has contacts, wears glasses occasionally mostly at home really. He's 21 as well which I mean sure Im 19 but I guess thats where Im also attracted to him because he's a little older, he’s more mature than some of my past boyfriends but also has a childish side like me. Thats where we’re similar. We went and saw Mother! which I guess was supposed to be a phycological thriller but it was really dumb to us, it didn't make much sense. I was during the movie where I first kissed him, I had wanted to earlier as well but I didn’t feel like it was right yet. It made me laugh though that that was the movie we saw and decided ah yes, this is a good movie to kiss and cuddle and hold hands to. 

After the movie I didn't quite want to leave yet because I was getting pretty attached to him that night so we went back to his apartment for the night. I watched him play Skyrim for a bit, he let me try out Overwatch while him and his roommate had gone to get her some pizza. Which I thought like alrighty, this is okay, just leave me alone at your apartment even though I literally just physically met you today. They came back after like a half hour, eventually me and him went back to his room, we made out for a good while on and off. He wanted to take a bath together which I had never done before. My last boyfriend had suggested it but I never really wanted to much. We got the water running for a second but I was really anxious, I had gotten my shirt off but I didn't take off my pants. He was already in his underwear, it took me a second but eventually he also kinda forced me as in getting close and kissing me then pulling down my shorts and underwear. I was really awkward at that point. It took me like 2 months before my last boyfriend had seen me naked and no one before him has seen me naked, its just not my thing its weird, I just don't like it much. But anyway so we had gotten in the shower instead, I was still pretty anxious. My legs were shaking I was hugging my body, it was just generally uncomfortable but within a few minutes I had mostly gotten over it. It just make me feel really weird. After the shower we got out and just laid on his bed for a bit still naked. I had gotten over it by that time but there was still some after feelings that I guess I didn't notice as much since we were making out again. Eventually we but our underwear back on and a t shirt and went to bed after about another hour or so.

The next morning we just stayed in bed really until I had to leave to go back home because mom was wondering where I was, I had texted her last night that I was staying there with him so that was taken care of. Eventually I got home and that was that. He had actually invited me to a party one of his coworkers was having that night but I had already stayed with him one night and I had to but up early the next morning for work so I told him no I couldn't which of course he was pouting over a little but in a playful way that you would when your flirting with someone. So that night I actually ended up going to a party at my other friends house till like 1am but THAT was ok because he only lived like 5 minutes away from home compared to an hour that J lived. That was  Monday night, the first date was Sunday and I stayed with J Sunday night. I worked early on Thursday morning but then he came out to my house that afternoon. We played some Mario Kart Double Dash at my house then drove out to my friends house Ive been housesitting for to technically grab some wires for my Wii but then we ended up taking another bath in their huge bathtub with jets for about an hour and a half which was nice. I was used to being naked with J by now. We watched some youtube while in the bath, made out for a bit again. Then we got dressed and drove back to my house. By the time we got back it was about 1am when I wanted to get to bed because between Sunday and Monday night I had gotten about 8 hours of sleep total. So he left and that was Tuesday. Now yesterday, Wednesday I worked again early in the morning, then I went back out to Columbus and saw J again for a few hours, we played some gamecube again, I went with him to get groceries, then me and him went out to eat. Came back and laid in his bed in our underwear again watching youtube and cuddling and kissing until it was about 11:30 then I went home again. 

Idk what to make of J, I like him, he's the farthest Ive been on a first date thats for sure. I enjoy his company but do I? Or is it just because I haven't had any sort of attention like this in almost 6 months? Like I had said we share some similar interests. Video games, some music, a little bit of anime and legos. He's pretty sweet with me but also he's a little more aggressive than me, which I mean Im okay with kinda. challenge me a little, don't be afraid to playfully challenge and fight me. But don't be an ass about it. Idk theres the other kid on the other side of Columbus who I've been snap chatting as well but Ive been giving J most of my attention.