#i welcome disagreements or discussion

[wlwlwlwlwlwlw]

if jonathan were wishing on a shooting star, he would wish for his brother to always be safe and happy

if steve were wishing on a shooting star, he would wish for the party to be successful in killing vecna and, if someone had to die, for it to be him

if robin were wishing on a shooting star, she would wish for a softer world and a less doomed life

if nancy saw a shooting star, she would wish she still believed in sacred childhood magic

[xieliansbignaturals]

I don't know if it's an unpopular opinion, but I don't think Hua Cheng would ever forgive Mu Qing. Maybe Feng Xin, who left because Xie Lian asked him to (his crime was just loyalty of the wrong sort), but not Mu Qing, not after the mountain scene.

I like shipping the Xianle Quartet together, but I think the relationship between Hua Cheng and Mu Qing would always be tense. Hua Cheng would play nice, but only because Xie Lian asked.

[basket-of-radiants]

Proposal for Re-working the Kholins’ Character Arcs - a semi-coherent “essay” by me (feat. @akpaley​, thank you for your contributions and for your attempts at editing.)

Hey guys. Different kind of post this time around, compared to my usual brand. It’s time for some fix-it fanfiction masquerading as literary critique. I won’t be using a readmore, I dunno, probably to punish anyone still following this blog or something. So! In this post I’m going to solve the all the issues of racial theming associated with the Kholin family.

I’m often very harsh on the Kholins for benefitting so much from exploitative power structures while doing little to help those below them. But then I’ve also criticized them for actually addressing these very problems in-universe. How can I be upset at them for their inaction and then also be annoyed when Jasnah ends slavery? The short answer to all of this is just that the ways these topics are addressed all feel very inauthentic. For example, in real life history it took over a century of protests, slave revolts, political campaigning, and civil wars to legally end slavery in Europe and America, and abolitionists were met with fierce opposition at every turn. A fictional world need not follow our same historical trajectory, but it still seems a little disingenuous for a monarch to just decide to end it within her first year of power because it doesn’t mesh with her philosophical framework. It’s more like trying to wrap up a subplot than actually address the topic.

Ultimately however, there’s only so far this line of criticism can ever take me because the Kholins are the protagonists and you can’t get rid of them without turning the whole story into something else entirely. And Sanderson shouldn’t have to, these are characters that he created and he’s allowed to tell a story about them. And I actually like a lot of their personalities and arcs and outlooks quite a lot. I do think it’s...unfortunate...to have used slavery and racism as disposable props in a story that ultimately turned out to be about a bunch of royals learning to be better people and saving the world along the way. So I guess what I’m interested in is if there’s a way to keep the premise, keep the characters, keep the general story beats, keep the themes of honor and personal growth, keep the basic structure of everything, and still handle those themes with grace. You know, could this be a compassionate story about addressing racism told from the point of view of nobility? Is such a thing possible?

Well, I’m going to try my best. And I’m going to be imperfect about it, obviously, so if you actually care enough to read all this shit, I welcome discussion and disagreement. 

Jasnah is the most obvious example to point to as being indicative of the problem, but I also think she has the easiest character fixes. She’s already been established as an outspoken dissident on many of her society’s deeply ingrained values. Just add to her atheism and feminism that she’s also always been an outspoken abolitionist. Give her ties to an ongoing reformist movement. Have her lecture Shallan about it in Way of Kings. Make that a reason she’s butted heads with her family so much. I do think it’s poor writing to have a ruler end slavery on a whim, but I won’t deny that having the right person in power can make a huge difference. It’s not as cathartic as having Kaladin lead a slave revolt (or as having Moash destroy society <3) but that doesn’t make it inherently bad so long as the topic itself is still treated with weight. Have her moralistic ideology be firmly pre-established so that when she has to explain why she’s abolishing slavery, her reasoning can be purely pragmatic. The reason she’s moving so fast is because this is a historical point of heightened change, and so her reforms are more likely to work, but if she waits too long and things settle back into a new status quo, she may have missed her window. Not to mention, when her nephew comes of age, her own legitimacy as a ruler might be challenged, so she needs to do as much as she can in what may be end up being a short reign. As a character, Jasnah has always been able to girlboss her way past political realities through sheer force of personality, and that’s great and all, but I think it heightens her character’s competence if she does have to deal with real backlash, not just to her but to her policies as well. The narrative doesn’t even need to linger on her opposition, but acknowledging it and acknowledging that she’s simply a member of a preexisting and ongoing movement would have done wonders to portray slavery as a real and prescient issue. Then again, this is a topic which people have fought and continue to fight wars over, so it wouldn’t be unreasonable for her to have receive major backlash either; perhaps when the Kholins hear in Words of Radiance that she was assassinated, the news could come as tragic but not entirely unexpected so as to imply that her opposition has attempted such in the past. All this is to say, I don’t think it’s at all wrong for Jasnah to do what she did. I also don’t think her entire stance on abolitionism should have come down to a comment where she tells her uncle she��s trying to rule according to ethically consistent values. The fact that slavery was insultingly easy to end not only delegitimizes is as a topic worthy of discussion, but also is a really scathing indictment of literally everyone else in the ruling class who didn’t even think to try.

Jasnah done, easy, Dalinar next.

Dalinar is probably the most complicated character for me to discuss and form coherent statements on. He’s just so rife with contradictions down to his core. That’s probably why I continue to like him so much, why he’s still my favorite, even though I still consider him to be a Bad Person over all. I think deep down I’ll always lean a bit too pacifistic ideologically to ever consider a warlord/general to be a good person, no matter how honorable he may be or how much growth he may undergo. Don’t get me wrong, I still do love his growth. Dalinar is characterized by his constant change and forward momentum, even moreso than the rest of the cast. So for discussing him, at what point can I point to him and say “this is Dalinar, this is who he is, this is what he believes and what he cares about”? Of course, during any point in his arc, you’re going to have to grapple with the fact that all of his lofty rhetoric about honor and striving for personal betterment is ultimately going to be pretty useless to all the people whose lives he’s meaninglessly thrown away across his military career. For me personally, when I talk about his character I like to take the end-of-oathbringer approach, where I acknowledge everything he did in the past as Blackthorn, I agree that it was pretty fucked up, and I forgive him and grant him a clean slate. All this to say that even if I’m judging him purely by his behavior as the current Dalinar within the present day continuity of the books, he’s still a massive hypocrite with horrific amounts of blood on his hands which he’s never even bothered to consider. I dunno, when I first read Way of Kings and I first got to meet this general who’s leading an army in a literal genocide campaign, I sort of figured he’d get some kind of “wait am I the bad guy” moment at some point in the future. And he did get a moment in Oathbringer where he has to fully confront his guilt over past actions, it was great, I really really loved it! But it was also all about actions he took before the series even started, so I guess wiping out the listeners wasn’t a sin he thought needed any atonement. I’m not going to get into the narrative’s treatment of singers and listeners on this post (for no other reason than because I have waaaaaaay too much to say there) but the point I’m getting at is that however good Dalinar’s growth is and whatever direction it takes, it’s always going to have poisonous roots to me. And his treatment of class/racial issues is no different. 

Fixing Dalinar is going to take a lot of what Dalinar does best: introspection. In Way of Kings, Dalinar dislikes how Sadeas treats his bridgemen because he believes it to be dishonorable, because he believes Sadeas is forcing others into a situation that he himself would never put himself into. He also has various sympathetic reflections here and there about how sad it is when soldiers die, and about how without the benefit of the Thrill, violence is actually kind of bad. You know how it goes. But I don’t think he ever put himself at risk to actually help or protect any of the people who are dying. Whether he wants to end the war or not, he still continues to participate in it. And he’s still willing to set aside the lives of literally everyone beneath him so he can pursue his dream of unity. The book ends with Kaladin and the rest of bridge four saving him and Adolin, and in gratitude, he purchases their freedom and gives them honored positions in his household. You know, because he’s so honorable. Everyone loves this scene, so I’m going to make it the catalyst for Dalinar’s new and improved character development. The problem with saying Kaladin helped Dalinar so Dalinar helped Kaladin is that when I’m being reductive and uncharitable (like I’m being right now), I can argue that their relationship basically started as a quid pro quo. This scene is meant to prove that Dalinar really is the most honorable person in Alethkar, just as Syl thought, only it doesn’t actually do that. See I don’t actually want Dalinar to start treating Kaladin as an equal. I want Dalinar to, in that moment, realize that Kaladin is better than him. That for all of his pontificating about honor, he would have never even considered risking his own life and the lives of his own family to rescue a bunch of bridgemen. I want him to see Kaladin’s honor, and rather than be validated in his beliefs, I want him to be thoroughly humbled. Let him spend all next book reflecting on all the lives of darkeyes he’s destroyed. Let it shame him, as Evi’s death shamed him. He already flirts with these lines of thought, and he already has an arc about confronting his past actions. Let the racial injustices he’s participated in be a part of that. Let him abandon his books and traditions instead look to Kaladin to learn what honor truly means. I don’t know how any of this would translate to his actions, because if we’re being honest his ideals are already quite incongruous with his actions, but the fact that he manages to have such strong theming regardless makes me think maybe that’s okay. I guess ultimately it would be enough for me if his character, as someone who symbolizes the ideals of a nation, was able to look at a darkeyes publicly be a follower rather than always trying to lead by his own personal example.

That’s Dalinar. Elhokar next?

I actually don’t think there’s too much wrong with Elhokar’s writing, especially in the first two books where a much greater emphasis on these themes were placed. He’s not a protagonist and we the audience aren’t supposed to endorse his actions. Most of what I’d change about his story is more about Kaladin and Moash than it is about him. I definitely don’t love that he can throw away the lives of his own people by the thousands in the genocide campaign that was the vengeance war, and then have the narrative just ignore all that in favor of him being sad about his own incompetence. If Elhokar is meant to be a sympathetic character, then when he calls himself a bad king, that’s what he should be thinking about, the number of lives he’s wasted over these years. I actually like him a lot more as a less sympathetic character, and I think I would have preferred if in oathbringer the narrative and the other characters would have stopped making so many excuses for him. Back to Kaladin and Moash, those are the two characters defined by their experiences as members of the downtrodden caste, so I personally sort of judge the problematic-ness of the whole story by how they get treated. Everyone loves to talk about how those two are foils. So. In order to strengthen Kaladin and Moash’s characters, either Elhokar needs to be as much of a monster as Amaram, or Amaram needs to be just as sympathetic and conflicted and having-of-a-toddler as Elhokar. Don’t get me wrong, I genuinely love the trope of finding at the end of a revenge quest that the person you hated has changed and grown. But I hate how this means that Moash’s hatred is wrong and unjustified, whereas Kaladin’s is validated at every turn. I don’t actually dislike Elhokar. I mean I think he’s a bad person, but I like a lot of characters who are bad people. I just think that if this story really wants to grapple with class and race (because it sure brings them up a lot for a story that doesn't want to talk about them), then Moash is a much more important character than him, with a lot more to add to that kind of discussion, which is why I think Elhokar’s characterization would have to come second to Moash’s development. (Obviously if this series were being reworked to be better on this topic, Moash would have to be written with a lot more compassion in general, but this post isn’t about him.)

Intermission time. Gavilar.

Gavilar is already perfect, 10/10, great character all around, what a guy, no notes, no wonder he’s so universally beloved among all of the fans, social justice icon.

Okay onto Navani.

I may not be the best person to talk about Navani. She has never been a favorite character of mine, and so compared to the others I haven’t thought as much about her values or the way she thinks or the narrative impacts of her actions. Someone who has more love for her would probably write better criticisms of her. (I’m going to reject any premise that falls along the lines of “Navani isn’t racist because she feels X,” but I’m not wholly confident in my analysis here, and I welcome any good faith critiques both of my own thinking and of her character when come at from other angles.) It’s hard to say where she should have grown from how she starts out viewing darkeyes because I don’t actually know how she starts out viewing darkeyes. I know I’m probably meant to assume she just treats everyone equally because she’s a Good Person on Team Good Guys, but it’s hard to just accept that she had all around good values when she married a warlord and was in love with his more violent brother. I dunno, was her “good guy” status meant to have always been an element of her character, or did she get it secondhand from her association with the new and improved Dalinar? With someone like Adolin, we got to see what shitty values he held at the start of Way of Kings (I’m talking about the Alethi warmongering, not his interest in fashion) but we also got to see how his father gradually won him over throughout the course of the book, and then later on we get to see him develop further on his own. For someone like Navani, I find it strange how she’s always so proactively supportive of Dalinar in everything, even when his own goals and values are in flux. I assume her character is just meant to be super ride or die when it comes to her family, and I do like that in a character, but that also means that she’s been wholly willing to support or at the very least excuse her family’s oppression and exploitation of darkeyes without comment. (See, Lirin is a much better parent than Navani, he would never have let his son start a whole genocidal vengeance war for fun and profit (I say this as if I’m joking but I’m kinda not.)) Some people have reminded me that she was pretty much shut out of the political process by Gavilar and Elhokar, and I agree with that, but I don’t really have any evidence that she would have cared much about darkeyes even if she had been more involved. In general it just seems like the whole topic doesn’t matter much to her. So what I would wish for the narrative would be to lean further into this. Draw attention to her cognitive dissonance and try and make the readers feel conflicted about her as a person. Highlight the fact that she’s willing to overlook the suffering that befalls other families if it means success for her own. I think one of my issues with her is that to me, this is a major (and interesting!) character flaw, but the books never seem to treat it as such. Honestly I think if this were intentional, I’d probably find her character really interesting, but from my reading of the text, I feel that I’m supposed to think of Navani as a generally decent person who’s by and large on the right side of things. The thing is, with the caste system playing such an integral role in their culture, I think she needs to have some sort of feelings about it, or else the fact that she doesn’t should be an issue to overcome. Otherwise she becomes another factor delegitimizing racial oppression as a real and important problem. If she’s a good guy and she doesn’t care about racism, then that’s saying you don’t have to be antiracist to be a good person in this world. 

Probably could have done that one better. I dunno. Leave me angry and hateful comments if I’m totally misrepresenting your favorite character. Moving on.

Adolin already has some great character development across the books. And he already has kind of engaged with this stuff in his story. Unfortunately, that’s less used in the “this person was racist but is becoming better sense” and more used in the sense of “Kaladin learns that #NotAllLighteyes are bad” which is pretty unfortunate for a number of reasons. Especially since, if he actually was going to prove he’s different from other lighteyes, out of all the Kholins I think Adolin is the best candidate for being a full on class traitor. I’m serious, looking back over the events of his plotlines, it would suit him shockingly well while disturbing the overall narrative shockingly little.

Adolin’s current plot is loosely as follows: in Way of Kings he likes all the things someone of his station is supposed to like, clothes, violence, dueling, warfare, swords, hangtime with the guys, all the good stuff. At the beginning of the book he doesn’t understand why old, stuck-up Dalinar can’t just let loose and be a relelntless war-monger like everyone else, but by the end of the book he’s come to understand a certain value to honor and thus has begun to become a better person himself. Words of Radiance has him lose his popularity, fall out of favor with all of his friends, grow disillusioned with his society, perform a prison sit-in in solidarity with Kaladin, and murder Sadeas. Most of this is done again, because of his father, and how Adolin now wants to help and support him and his ideals. In Oathbringer he mostly isn’t involved in courtly politics, being away on a mission for much of it, but he does make a pretty big move by rejecting the throne. In Rhythm of War we see the schism that’s formed between him and his father until he leaves on another long-distance mission. Summary over. In general I reject the idea that making the Kholins be individually less racist makes for a better, or more nuanced and compassionate discussion of the topic, but if anyone is primed for a “lighteyes learns racism is wrong” character arc, I think it’s Adolin. Imagine him following a bit less in Dalinar’s footsteps and a bit more in Jasnah’s. You almost don’t even have to change any story beats: in getting to know Kaladin, something clicks in Adolin where he realizes that if he wants to treat Kaladin as his equal, he has to treat all darkeyes as equals, and so he realizes to his horror that he and his entire caste of friends and family are all monsters for treating them the way they do. (Actually, there is one plotline in WoR I’d probably scrap, and that’s his slowburn bromance with Kaladin. I mean I get what Sanderson was going for with the ribbing and then eventual friendship, but Kaladin was an absolute stranger who risked his own life to save Adolin and his father from certain death, and so I feel there should probably have been a bit more overt respect upfront there.) In pushing for his newfound belief in equality, he ends up burning through all of his intracaste goodwill and political capital, causing all of his friends to drop him. When he kills Sadeas, it doesn’t have to be about protecting Dalinar or about personal revenge, it could also be that he’s gotten to know Bridge 4 and learned firsthand about the atrocities they’d gone through, and so there’s no way he’d allow such a pioneer of human rights violations to stay in power. In the following books, maybe he’s become so politically toxic due to challenging the very foundations of his own power, his own family has to send him away on missions so he can’t rock the boat too much at home. Maybe refusing the throne was more of a political statement than a personal one, because he’s come to understand that being a ruler means oppressing thousands of others. Maybe this is another form of hypocrisy he criticizes Dalinar for, how Dalinar might claim to value darkeyes but how he still retains power bought with thousands of their corpses. None of this has to modify actual events very much, it just affects the reasons for them. And it would also meaningfully show why he gets to be a “good lighteyes” if he actually engaged with his status and rejected it, knowing it comes at the expense of others.

Okay, enough about that. Renarin maybe?

I won’t say too much about Renarin here, because I’d probably just end up repeating a lot of the same criticisms of how he’s used as a “good lighteyes.” From a narrative standpoint, all those criticisms hold for him as well. You know, he wants to join Bridge Four, and future-villain Moash doesn’t like the idea because he doesn’t trust lighteyes, but Kaladin reassures him that Renarin is a good boy, so don’t worry about it, and everything works out fine in the end, proving that lighteyes are good people just like you and me. This isn’t a problem with him as a person or character, it’s just more of that general theme of “the caste system is fine so long as nice people are at the top” which I clearly think should be interrogated. Thus far, in contrast to the rest of his family, Renarin is very young and has had much less of a political presence, not to mention fewer POV chapters anyway, so I think delving too much deeper here will feel a bit hollow to me.

Does Shallan count as a Kholin? I’d like to talk about her super briefly.

Unpopular opinion, but I actually think Shallan is one of the better characters on the topic of race insofar as how she’s written, especially compared to the other Kholins. But wait, I hear you say, what about all of her dozens of instances of casual racism? Yes, that’s what I’m referring to. I like how Shallan demonstrates how ingrained these harmful ideologies are in their society. I like how every time she has a distasteful thought, we the audience are reminded that racism still exists and even good people will continue to promote it if they don’t view it critically. I like that Shallan is problematic, because their society has problems! At least with her it doesn’t feel like the story’s trying to sweep the fact under the rug. There are plenty of issues with her writing, plenty of jabs at Kaladin that probably shouldn’t have been treated as cute. She’s actually the main character whose racism and classism I see criticized the most. And I think that’s a good thing! My issue with the Kholins isn’t that I think they should all be less racist, my issue is that their positions are inherently oppressive, and it seems as though the narrative doesn’t think that matters so long as deep down they’re good people. When people critique Shallan in specific instances, I tend to see a fair amount of consensus and agreement there, but when I critique the Kholins people will argue with me by pointing out that Dalinar/Adolin/Navani/whoever actually treats darkeyes as equals, so my arguments are invalid. Purely my own anecdotal experience of course, but it tends to make me think that there’s something in Shallan’s writing that’s working right, something that isn’t working for the other lighteyed characters.

Now obviously with all of this, I’m not saying I want these books to have more racism in them. What I’m arguing is that if the books are going to explore the topic (which they do) then they should treat the topic with an appropriate amount of gravity rather than acting as if it can be solved by having aristocrats become nicer people.

If you’re still here with me, thank you for reading, I love you, I hope you enjoyed yourself through my descent further and further into rambly nonsense. If you just scrolled to the bottom, that’s fair enough, there won't be a tl;dr but you’re welcome for filling your dash with massive text blocks.

[kylermalloy]

i am at work right now and i’m going to a concert tonight but i have WAY more to say about the originals Breakdown because i know people don’t like 2b but i think it’s still structurally sound in a way that s3 isn’t so sometime tomorrow i want to breakdown exactly where our disagreements lie because even though it’s *technically* not important, it is important to me. like i think there’s a *difference* between somewhat lazy writing and trying to write around Logistics and just straight up being bad and “losing the plot” as it were.

also i’ve been thinking about that unconditional love/actions matter chart you made and i have very respectful disagreements with that too that i want ur opinion on but don’t have time to get into but hope you’ll appreciate

now the only question is like. why do i care *so much* about this?

Bestie that is the question. We are coming up on the four year anniversary of this show ENDING and it still has me in a vice grip. Fandoms come and go for me but TO is the constant. But we both care about this and I love talking, so let’s talk!

I think if you gave me an outline of the plot of season 2, I would be like “okay sounds good.” Regardless of my problems with it, I think it still holds up. I count it as one of the good seasons. The minutiae I can handwave; the overall narrative is sound.

Now if you do the same with season 3, give me an outline of the plot, I would go “?????” because yeah there are lots of problems. Season 2 advances the overall narrative and still keeps the thesis that the show starts out with. But what, I always wonder, does season 3 do for us? For Klaus? For Hope? For the Mikaelsons as a whole?

Yeah, it ends with Klaus sacrificing himself for his family. Big step for him. Did all the events of the season lead up to that, though?

Season 3 introduces a lot of new elements that I could not care less about. I hate prophecies, the Trinity is grating at best to me, Hayley’s arc is kind of a mess and does not follow the previous season at all, don’t even get me started on Cami, and the more I think about it the more I don’t like the klelijah rebuild.

So please, tell me your thoughts bc I love hearing them, and you can talk all you want about my chart too I don’t mind!

[icypopz]

with an expressionless + calm s/o  ♡

↬ from anon ; if it's okay, could i request marius and vyn with a female reader who is mostly expressionless and calm and very hard to impress or fluster?

↬ notes ; marius von hagen (lu jinghe), vyn richter (mo yi) x gn!reader

↬ from ice ; hihi first post of 2024 !!! also i switched it to gn!reader, i hope that's okay :> marius is so silly ueueue,,, also i'm not sure if i interpreted the prompt correctly i hope u like it ! T_T

↬ warning(s) ; none

please reblog ! it helps a lot :)

[ marius von hagen / lu jinghe ! ]

marius and you make quite a pair. while he's rambunctious and whiny, often acting like an overgrown child around you, you're his polar opposite - calm and quiet, watching his tantrums with only the barest hint of a smile. people tend to wonder how you put up with him, but the truth is that the two of you balance each other out and bring out the best in one another; you're the ying to his yang.

whenever he's upset about something like the old men in the pax board of directors nagging him, marius will always come rushing to complain to you. he adores how you offer him a listening ear and a third-party opinion, and your tranquility always helps chase away his irritation. he always says you're like the sun pushing away the storm clouds of his anger. as the heir of pax, he's grown up around people always attempting to gain his favour, so marius really appreciates your ability to judge any situation objectively, even those involving him. it's a breath of fresh air to actually get scolded by you whenever he does something nonsensical instead of always being praised no matter what he does.

as for you not getting flustered easily, rest assured that marius will still try his absolute hardest to do so. when his usual trademark playful smirks and winks don't seem to work, he has to up his game, switching to super lame pickup lines which succeed only at making you laugh instead of flustering you (he still counts that as a win). however, he loves seeing even the smallest changes in your expression, such as you being unable to meet his eyes after he peppers kisses all over your face, or you burying your face in his shoulder after his hands travel under your shirt... even if you aren't as audacious with your expressions as he is, marius loves you wholeheartedly for who you are.

more content utc !

[ vyn richter / mo yi ! ]

vyn is actually quite similar to you, he's not the type to have wild expressions or wear his heart on his sleeve, so the two of you get along really well. he needs to be calm in his field of work in order to get people to open up to him, and you're just naturally a very serene person. even vyn feels at peace when he's around you, as being around you is a welcome break from his hectic life running the giannovyn mental health research center.

as a psychologist, vyn is well-versed in analysing body language or facial expressions to determine what someone is thinking. however, since you aren't a very expressive person, vyn becomes more attuned to your needs by communicating verbally with you instead of just assuming based on your body language. you both rarely argue as the two of you prefer to discuss your disagreements in a calm manner instead of getting too heated and saying things you don't mean. vyn also does his best to always ask you for your opinion on everything, from dates to presents, and in this way he manages to keep you as the world's happiest romantic partner.

you not getting flustered easily isn't something that bothers vyn, because he himself isn't someone who actively teases you that much. however, he adores seeing even the slightest changes in your expression when he does something for you, like when your nose scrunches up because you're trying not to cry happy tears, or your wide eyes when he surprises you with another grand gesture - it all feels like those are special sides of you only he gets to see. and that is exactly why vyn always goes over-the-top in extravagant preparations for you, whether it's growing your favourite flowers in his garden or baking you the perfect pastries - he loves you so much that he does everything he can to see your happy smile.

✧ thank you for reading ! if you have a request, feel free to send it in 🌠

© icypopz 2024. do not repost or modify in any way.

[neil-gaiman]

Hi Neil!

I’m a library science graduate student and for one of my classes we read the opening to your book, Trigger Warning. It is a fabulous bit of writing that articulated the thoughts I’ve been having about the current trend of avoiding uncomfortable situations/feelings. I really appreciated having a bit of literature to break up some of the theory I’ve been reading. My professor said that the opening sparked one of the best class discussions she’s ever had. I’ve checked the book out from my local library to read and I just wanted to thank you (partially in advance) for writing it.

Have a nice day!

You are very welcome. When it was published a lot of people here on Tumblr thought that I was making fun of Trigger Warnings (I wasn't). I wanted to talk about what they were for and how they specifically helped or hindered fiction. Interestingly, I think the conversation over the last eight years has become more nuanced, as people have started to realize there are places where trigger warnings are absolutely appropriate and places where they aren't, and that there is a lot of disagreement about whether they do any good in an academic context (this New Yorker article is a pretty good summary of the contemporary opinions and evidence). Mostly what I wanted was for people to think and to talk, and I'm so happy that they did. Enjoy the stories.

[legendary-pink-dot]

Catfish Pond PhD Degree Program: 2023 Report Card

(Let's just pretend that Mr Ben is actually Flight Instructor Frankie, okay?)

Welcome to your year-end assembly!

The Catfish Pond PhD Degree Program Class of 2023 is the most awesome, funny, insightful, analytical, and gosh-darned SMART group of students and scholars I could've hoped to have.

amazing graphic by @trulybetty !

As a class, we worked through all these modules:

Why the Pussy-Eating King?

Guest lecture The Peacock Shirt and also bonus module F/M/K Hair Discussion

The Khakis

Pedro and Oscar: How Dare They?

Young Frankie

The License Suspension

Frankie is Smart

Frankie Loves Swearing

Frankie's Retirement

Everyone's tireless work, detailed analysis, respectful disagreements, and dedication to the program has made for an incredible semester. Please congratulate yourself and each other!

Onto the grades!

Well, everyone just killed it this semester. Many of you took it upon yourselves to do extra credit assignments too, purely for the love of learning. For that, everyone gets top marks. (A couple of you also tried to bribe me with apples and other gifts, but I'll look past that.)

But Professor Dot, does that mean the program is done?

NO! I'm pleased to announce that due to popular demand, there will be a 2024 offering of the Catfish Pond PhD Degree Program! Come one, come all, come even if you've already taken the 2023 program! There will be NEW modules and even more details to pick apart and analyze. Guest lecturers welcome too!

Thank you for letting me be your professor for the Catfish Pond PhD Degree Program. I still have a lot to learn myself, and I look forward to continued learning with all of you!

Students, thank you all for making this program so incredibly fun. 💜 You are all honour roll worthy.

Enjoy your graduation party and I'll see you in 2024!

Professor Dot 🎓

[alasse-earfalas]

Let’s clear some things up.

"omg you hate queer people!!" 

No, we don't. There's several queer people in the server and we've all gotten along just fine, in fact we've had some wonderful conversations discussing our different views. The reason we marketed our server as a “conservative Christian server” is because that’s primarily who we’re trying to find. Other people with different beliefs and ways of life are welcome to join so long as they’re respectful. 

"but you said you're anti-Pride!!"

Admittedly, this was due to a misunderstanding of what that term means to a lot of people. The "pride movement" and LGBT people are not the same thing to me. Clearly they are to a lot of people, so I understand the confusion. I used this terminology because I’ve seen others in the LGBT community make this distinction in terms, but I understand now that this distinction is not as widespread as I thought it was.

Allow me to clarify: When I say we "don't support the Pride movement", I'm talking specifically about the political movement that advocates for giving porn to young kids in school, putting them through medical procedures they are too young to consent to, and viciously attacking, harassing, and silencing anyone who brings up concerns about these things. Obviously this is not all of the LGBT community, nor would I ever insinuate that. But it is a very vocal and nasty subset of it, and it's a subset we want nothing to do with.

"queered into oblivion"

If it's wrong to straightwash queer characters (and I believe that it is), then it's wrong to queerwash straight characters. Many of the Links are canonically straight in the games, and all of them are portrayed as straight in LU (I don't have the time to go into all the evidence for this right now, but it's there if you look). If you want more queer representation in media—which is totally valid!—go make your own queer characters and give them an engaging story. I've seen it done and it's great! Queerwashing established characters is lazy, disrespectful, and just as offensive as straightwashing. So we're not allowing that in our server. 

"youre banning people just because they're queer!! I was banned and I didn't break any of the rules!" 

If we banned people just for being queer, we wouldn't have any queer people in the server, and I've already debunked that.

As for the second point: Yes, I have banned people wrongly and I apologize for that. This is largely thanks to a constant bombardment of malicious trolls, many of whom pretend to come to us with good intentions, only to wreak havoc once they're granted access to the server. So I am being a bit overzealous with the ban hammer at the moment because we've been burned too many times. It's hard to tell anymore who wants to have a civil discussion and who's just biding their time. If you feel you were banned wrongfully, please reach out to me in dms and we can discuss the matter.

Another quick point I want to make is that our current server rules are due for revision. Now that we've spent some time open to the public, we have a better understanding of what kinds of rules our server needs. So, yes, we're not going to be strictly sticking to our rules right now because we're in the process of tweaking them. I understand that’s frustrating but there’s only so much we can juggle at once. 

"the people in your server are so mean! You don't even talk about loz stuff!"

It's kinda hard to relax and nerd out with your buddies when raiders are lighting your house on fire. We've been burned and we're on edge. I won't ask for anyone in the server to be excused for bad behavior, but I will ask for patience. 

Part of the reason I'm bothering to write this whole thing out in the first place is so we can stop repeating ourselves on these points. Many of the trolls we've dealt with have started out "respectfully disagreeing" with us only to turn nasty and crude. So now whenever there's a disagreement, it puts everyone on edge. 

Before we opened this server up to the public it was just a private little place for me and some friends, and we all happened to share similar beliefs so it turned into a bit of an echo chamber. Please don’t take our old conversations as representative of the current people in the server. We did talk about LoZ stuff, and we still do, but we’ve also got two general chats and a place to discuss controversial topics. And, as I already mentioned, we’re a little preoccupied with the trolling situation. 

Now that we’ve gotten all of that out of the way, here’s a non-exhaustive sampling of what we’ve been dealing with over the past few days: 

typical troll spam: inappropriate images, death threats, etc.

sleeper trolls: people who come into the server pretending to be there in good faith in order to gain access to the server, and then wreaking havoc. Several of these have been… obnoxiously “Christian”, to the point where I was in the middle of typing up a “knock it off” message when they decided to oust themselves. 

false accusations and even outright lies from people on tumblr who’ve “checked out” the server and then left. Idk why people do this. We’ve been baselessly accused of antisemitism among other things. 

vicious asks about this issue sent to tumblr blogs who have no affiliation with our server. 

I’d like to point out here that for being such a “hateful” server, none of the mods (I can’t speak for the other people in the server obviously) have ever done any of this, to anyone, nor would we. I’ve spoken about people using their (real or perceived) victim status as a cudgel to beat others with, and this is a fine example of that. You wonder why we’re trying to make a safe space? Because this is what happens when we share what we believe. You claim we have “institutional power” or whatever and yet we can’t set up and advertise a freaking discord server without people going on a witch hunt. 

I have had a few people reach out to me in kindness, and I want to let those people know that it’s really meant a lot to me. I expected trolls and some lashback but the maliciousness has been something else. I’m sorry to anyone on tumblr who’s been attacked over this, I don’t know why people are going after blogs that have no affiliation with this server, it’s disgraceful and disgusting. 

Hopefully what I’ve written here clears up some of the misunderstandings. We appreciate anyone who’s willing to hear us out rather than jumping to conclusions. Take care everyone.

[notthatalex]

I think the biggest difficulty with having guests on reddit stories compared to cast is that people have ranging parasocial relationships with cast and are ergo more charitable to them. Or even when they disagree, they don't mind as much. While they don't have that with guests and are much more likely to be genuinely mad.

To be fair for some people, it is actually the other way around where their parasocial relationships lead to them getting more hurt because they feel like they got betrayed by a friend or something.

And obviously, when guests are on, they always have the same opinion as Shayne and the other cast member. And fans are therefor also disagreeing with cast, but then the focus of discussion is mostly on the guest. And the focus the cast gets is in form of "disappointment".

So it is more a charitabilty issue for most I think. That people use the term "vibes" so much when talking about how they don't like guests is really emboldening that viewpoint for me. (I have a slight personal gripe with the term and people using it to express opinions tbh)

I really don't think cast has less often bad takes, but I do think people interpret that "going back and forth/ exploring different viewpoints" ping pong play they do on that show a lot way worse when it comes from guests. Or like just straight-up jokes.

This isn't a comment about if smosh should have guests in gen btw. I am kinda neutral about that. It's a comment on how peoples preemptive charitabilty influences their judgment on the takes.

I am kinda neutral/pos on the guest thing, like if it is someone I know or like I am excited and if I don't I really care. This is kinda a tangent but I also think people miss the mark when they talk about how the smosh audience doesn't care/know about tiktokers and should only have youtuber guests. The reddit stories audience definitely does care about tiktokers. It is their wide net show, like I watched the new episode with my sister today, who only watches reddit stories from smosh. She knew the guest, while she didn't know who Trevor was.

Anyway I wrote this because I go out of every reddit stories episodes disagreeing with some takes more or less, but I mostly see people voice disagreements when guests are on and this is my attempt at analyzing it. If anyone wants to chime in and disagree or add on I would welcome it. Still not fully formed opinion it. Malleable and squishy opinion one could say.

[iamanartichoke]

Not me getting social anxiety / panic about how I'm going to interact and handle my feels when Loki season 2 drops bc what is tumblr anymore, even.

Um, anyway, reblog this post if you're in the Loki fandom, plan on watching season 2, and are down to discuss / possibly deep dive into the material, in a way that is non-toxic to one's overall fandom experience.

To be completely upfront/transparent: Non-toxic doesn't necessarily mean positive. I'm sure I will have my own criticisms I'll want to talk about, and I have no problem with - nay, I enjoy, even - discussing both what I loved as well as what I wish had been ripped from the script draft, tossed into a wastebasket in the writers' room, and then set on fire.

In other words, all opinions are welcome, as are (civil) disagreements, but I'm not here for either anti-level hate or toxic "this is the best and if you don't agree you're an anti" positivity. I like my meta in the middle, very gray, and perfectly balanced, as all things should be.

(I hate myself so much for quoting Thanos, but it's become a bit of a meme in other spaces and it lives in my brain now.)

So yeah ... anyway reblog/follow me if you want to, or whatever. No pressure.

Not really, but yknow.

[disruptivevoib]

hi! ive listened to some of chonny jash's songs but did not realize that there was really a story? Or i vaguely knew but didn't have the time/energy to get into it and with the release of the bidding animation ive realized theres like a bajillion awesome animations and art and i want to get into cccc but have no clue how. also why does soul have a trident.

OH man!

The story of CCCC has an overall seeming narrative, but much of it's smaller points are interpretive due to Jash himself leaving it up to fans of the album. But! Overall it kind of goes like:

-Jash or, what most people call Whole, splits as due to mental dissonance and waning mental health. (Time Machine Reprise).

- Whole fades into Soul (End of TMR into Dream) and from there its Mucka Blucka as a sort of introductory song. The recap for a story you have or haven't heard yet.

- (The entire album is a time loop! Which is a big metaphor for the cycles of mental health and illness people go through.)

- From there its the section called "Cacophony" which starts off with Soul, but eventually it turns to Heart and Mind + their fighting and inability to see or listen to one another or their points of view. Of course, as Logic and Emotion, they both have valid ideas or opinions, but believe themselves so contradictory that the other must be evil or out to get them.

- Heart attempts to shoot Mind, as referred to in Ruler of Everything. Literal or Metaphorical as you take this, it is seemingly symbolic for an attempt at one's own life if not self sabotage. If not then both.

- The rest up until Soul Eclectic is sort of just the Mind and Heart fighting and their own personal views each on the situation.

- Soul in The Soul Eclectic reaches his breaking point. Threatening to kill them all (A more direct attempt at suicide)

- Mind and Heart in the subsequent songs decide to get their shit together.

- (Two Wuv) Soul realizes that not only can they be happier now but that trying to force themselves to conform to society's ideas of mental health or belief or love is just plainly unbeneficial. Sort of a song about unapologetically being yourself.

- Welcome To Tally Hall is a tribute to Tally Hall themselves more than anything.

- This transfers into Concord soon after! Concord is Whole or Jash by himself, though many of the songs seem to carry themes from Cacophony in them. Self sabotage, disagreement, importance placed on the wrong thing, the idea that no one person is better off than another. It concludes with Taken for a Ride. Which is also sort of CJ's epic "im burnt out as hell" song towards the end. But exaggerated to my knowledge for lyrical shenanigans.

That is CCCC as neutrally told as best as possible. I highly recommend forming your own ideas on it, but I'd be happy to also discuss more in depth my opinion on each song should you or anyone else express interest!

Getting into the Trident: The fandom took the metaphor of "Tridential Sovreignty" and "This trident he formed (found? Lyrics.) is both weapon and motive" and said "Soul's got a trident" to which Jash responded with "Absolutely yes he does now" Same with the crown most people put Mind in, and that is referenced in the "Trident, Crown and Blindfold" line.

Soul really did get noose imagery, a trident and a mask. All Heart n Mind got were a blindfold and crown. Lmao

Though Heart is also commonly drawn with wings. Which is semi-canonical according to album covers. I choose to ignore them because I don't particularly have an attachment to the idea!

Getting into the fandom itself, I can recommend looking around for the Chonny Jash Fan Server (CJFS) Discord link. But it can be extremely intimidating and even I just stick to discussion and one other thread channel. (Sides from my au channels which pop up every once a month or so).

Important note is that only Tally Hall covers have to do with HMS. Any of Jash's other music (of which I highly recommend, always) is unrelated. There is also a fan QnA somewhere that was done like a year ago now which has some neat answers in it.

I, again, am happy to go into my interpretations of HMS and the music as a whole but skdmsm saved you the reading hopefully should that be undesired!

[yaut-jaknowit]

Okay but now I started thinking on how would an argument with Gawtin go? Also, glad to be back to pester you💪

An Argument with Gawtin

Pairing: Gawtin (Female Yautja) x GN!Reader

Word Count: 1247 (Couldn't help it)

Summary: Like dominos falling in line, things build up until the dam can't handle it. The stress, the cracks. The two of you are a tornado, feeding off of each other.

Author Note: I decided to do this a little different than I usual do this. I have off feelings about angst, like arguments and you might see it here. To be honest, Gawtin doesn't get anger often, rarely at all. Thank you Kissmyaft! I love it when you come to give me phenomenal ideas such as this!

P.s. I decided to create a Kofi since I believe my page has grown to a reasonable amount. If you want tip or buy me a coffee, you're more than welcome to. If you don't want to, that's okay! I make my content free because I know the frustrations when the good shit is hidden behind paywalls. My Kofi link is on my Masterlist page

Masterlist

Ao3

Part 2

Honestly, Gawtin and Reader don’t fight very often. Some disagreements, of course. Some miscommunications. We are talking about two different species, cultures.

But Gawtin doesn’t like to feed into anger. She, like most other females, are cooler minded than their male counterparts. They know how to discuss their issues than result to straight violence. Fights do break out when no one can’t come to an agreement. Nothing that could kill the other though.

When an argument happens, it’s when both are at end of their lines. Gawtin is stressed out from Qui’oky or something with the village. She brings it home with her unfortunately.

Reader has had some trouble still adapting to the new planet or being homesick or worrying over Gawtin. That sets off Gawtin even more. The two of them feeding on each other’s energy.

Reader wants to be left alone, unsure if someone around will help them. In the heat of the moment, words are exchanged. Unfortunately.

Gawtin, no matter how enraged she ever becomes will never, ever, hit you. Yes, for Yautjas, fighting and violence is normal. But you aren’t Yautja. You are weaker than her. It’s just fact. She’s okay with that.

“Can you just fuck off already?” you snapped when Gawtin entered your art room. The door had slid back to reveal the hulking green form that made up Gawtin. Her purple eyes pinned on you sitting at your desk, trying to distract yourself.

Like two demons feeding on each other, you consumed the other’s energy. Like a tornado starting to form or even a hurricane. She had arrived home, pissed off. Someone had gotten under her skin and caused her to be a raging bitch currently. As her wonderful mate, you wanted nothing more to rid her of this unease.

But she just threw it all back in your face.

Qui’oky was set down for a cranky nap in Gawtin’s room. Poor thing sounded tired from missing a nap from this morning. He kept fussing for a bit. Since you knew Gawtin wasn’t wanting to speak with you when she dismissed you harshly, you just went to hide away in your art room. The safe haven that she had gifted to you once she took notice of your skill of wielding a pencil.

A gruff scoff met your ears. You huffed with a roll of your eyes but kept your sight on the blank page before you. It felt not only was that taunting you but Gawtin too. She had to come in here after dismissing you. Didn’t just say she didn’t want you around her and to go away? Dismissed like a measly pet.

“All you do is whine,” she grunted back at you. You head whipped up, back still towards the Yautja. Your nostrils flared in an attempt not to spin around give a piece of your mind. All the shit she’s made you put up with from the first day you met her in that damn forest. For all that you cared for, you could’ve just left her to bleed out! Or let the fucking soldiers take her!

Instantly, you felt regret at the thought and tried to calm yourself down. That didn’t stop the need to cry rise up inside of you.

“Well, you ruined fucking everything in my normal life,” you returned fire, hand grasping the pencil. The wood groaned at the pressure. Your knuckles turning white.

Another scoff. Soft, pitter-patter of feet glided across the floor until the beast was hovering behind you. Her blazing heat boring down on your hunched over form. “Ruined? I’ve given you everything as my mate. How have I ruined ‘everything’?”

A massive palm was placed on the small open space on the desk. This allowed her to bend her body more over you, blanketing you in her shadow. The pencil creaked again. “By taking me here! I don’t belong here. You took me from everything. My home. My family. My friends.”

“I think you are misremembering things, ooman. It was your choice to come with me. You saved me, I could not kill you after I owe you my life and Qui’oky. Why are you so angry?” she growled, nails digging into the wood of your table. That seemed to tick you off more. She was destroying your things.

“I have a right to be angry! You ruined everything. My life is forever stuck here because of you. I’ll die here, on a planet so far from home,” you bite out then finally whipped around in your chair to face her. Gawtin did not move. She stayed sturdy like an oak tree. You bumped into her only to be knocked against your table. It was the only thing holding you up. That didn’t stop you from glaring the Yautja right in the eye and baring your teeth. Something you learned from your time in her culture.

Her mandibles bristled at the sight. A growl starting deep in her chest as she glared down at your unwavering form. “Then, go back. Leave. Go back. Go back home.” That last word was spat out with such disgust, spit hitting your face.

Realization smacked you harder, harder than anyone or thing could. Words said in the heat of the moment but she was telling you to leave. This wasn’t your home, not in her eyes. And that hurt. You felt the way your chest tightened and twisted like a serrated knife lodged there. Tears, hot and burning pooled in your eyes, throat threatening to close up.

Gawtin grunted and leaned down so close her mandibles barely brushed against your cheeks. “Are you going to cry now?” she mocked with a look of distain on her alien face. When you took a deep breath in to cool your nerves, your breath hitched, catching on the lump building in your throat. By god, you were on the verge of breaking down right in front of her.

Something you refused to do. You steeled your nerves, stood up, shoulders back, and got impossibly closer to her face. An act she wasn’t expecting. “Get out.” She raised her gem-studded brow. “Get out!” you shouted at Gawtin, full force. This was your area, your space, your safe haven in this fucked up world you’ve been brought to. Somewhere to go.

Chittering cries echoed out in the hall. Shit. Your breath hitched. Qui’oky had been awoken by your yelling. Guilt dripped into your veins at the sound of his crying. Gawtin huffed that ended in a throaty growl before standing up and marching out of the room.

Once the door slid closed behind her, your whole body nearly went completely lax. Anger still simmered beneath your skin. Yet, sorrow followed in its wake. You bowed your head to calm yourself before plopping down in your seat. The chair squeaking at the new weight. You hated arguing. With her of all people too.

In your hand, you let the pencil go. It’s now shattered pieces falling onto the wooden table. You groaned and placed your head in your hands, fretting over how to fix this.

Hot, fresh tears wettened the wood underneath you. ‘Go back home.’ You flinched as Gawtin’s words echoed back at you in the silence of your room. Qui’oky’s voice barely coming through the door. You clutched your hair at the thought of her not wanting you anymore. Had you just ruined everything?

Heh, it wasn’t her that ruined everything. No. You just did that.

[tachibubu]

Sincerely, from your Friend.

∆ PAIRING ; Aemond Targaryen x Lannister!Reader/OC/Self-Insert

∆ SUMMARY ; In which you, the reader, saw your best friend Aemond marry another woman while being in an unrequited love with him.

∆ WARNINGS ; angst no comfort at all, if you don’t like little dialogues then I do not suggest this fic as it only focuses on the mc’s emotions throughout the whole ordeal with few dialogues. Alys Rivers is not a bastard here in this AU, she is referred to as Alys Strong instead. OOC?

NOTE ;  Inspired by love, rosie and the other woman cover of lana del rey. I Also Made A Playlist! It’s a short read but I hope you can enjoy the music as well. If you would prefer one song as you read this fanfic I suggest High Hopes by Kodaline as the song is where it is heavily and mostly based on! I really suggest listening to the playlist or that song while you read this. 

I am kinda 50/50 with this fic. I ironically like writing it but I just wished I could’ve wrote it better! It was supposed to be based on Charles and Diana’s arguement at the TV series though I scratched it even if I have already wrote a whole draft of it. So I wish you can enjoy this read!

A friendship is supposed to last; that is what you keep telling yourself.

Aemond and you were two of the closest people in the castle. You two struggled through the difficult times together. There were a couple times when you two argued, such as when you didn't agree with how he claimed Vhagar, but these disagreements were quickly resolved because you two couldn't stand to be apart from one another.

Your family will always be a Lannister, and your father, Tyland Lannister, entered the small council when Lord Corlys left to embark on war, and he kept his seat warm by holding the position of Master of Ships. He was permitted to stay at Kingslanding with his family as part of the arrangement, and this was fulfilled. You first encountered Aemond as he observed the Godswood while absorbed in his thoughts. Although the prince indicated he was fine when you asked him if he was, you insisted on making him happy when his expression and actions stated otherwise.

It started out slowly, with him initially being offended by your advances and considering them to be a pity. However, you were quick to disagree and dubbed it "being closer to someone of your age." Though one occurrence altered it all, you noticed him wandering through the corridors and into an unoccupied region. You crept up behind them, curiosity lingering, until you heard a single whimper and noticed his shoulders gradually begin to rise. You hurried over to him without hesitating, and when you did, he finally gave in and embraced you while he sobbed uncontrollably.

He would acknowledge your presence when you appeared in his presence by nodding; as a result, there was a mutual connection; and soon, small talk about subjects that only the two of you could dance about would begin. You will never forget the way his eyes lit up and how his normally firm lips rose their corners in fits of laughter the very day he laughed at your humor. That was the day you discovered you weren't just intrigued by the prince by simply wishing to be his friend; you were also gradually falling in love with him.

You welcomed the concept—the possibility—of having the surname Targaryen. You adored the way it resonated, and you soon began to think that little oddities in his behavior were very endearing. You enjoyed how his eyes would enlarge when he was earnest, his obsession with honing his swordsmanship, and the way his face would light up every time he saw you at the library as you both discussed the contents of the book you had just begun.

You love it all, even his eccentricities and his lowest points. Though things typically come to an end, when Alys Strong came into the picture, yours did as well.

Your pleasant interactions with Aemond eventually drifted to him gushing about the new lady that came into the Keep. Though it was difficult to overlook her frequent appearances as you and Aemond sauntered around the castle, you initially didn't bat an eye at it.

She would engage in the bonding activities you had with the prince. You were initially ok with her interruptions as you observed how Aemond would go from a man who typically pays attention to what you have to say to someone who would start speaking about topics you had never even heard of before when Alys would join.

Although you felt stiff, you were relieved that Aemond and Alys didn't notice it. How could they when they were attracted to one another? You two, along with one of Alys' closest friends, were invited to the castle for a modest gathering—a tea party. The very first time you had seen Aemond flush and stammer aloud was when he sat down on the chair that Alys gave and the way her hands lingered on his shoulder. He had never done that before, not to you or to anybody else.

It was unfair; she was gorgeous, intelligent, and intrigued by peculiar things. All of the activities and interests that Aemond loved. You understood you were holding back their development for one another at that point. You then excused yourself out of self-pity.

"You haven't even sat down." Aemond became suspicious when he noticed that you were suddenly acting differently and said, "How are you fairing?"

You laughed nervously, shaking your head as you placed one hand over it. "Yes," you answered too hastily, though you will soon regret it, "I meant no. Apologies, my mind is foggy, and I'm not feeling good at all."

Alys frowned as she spoke, "Oh dear, take your time and rest."

You added, "Well, I apologize for this hasty departure, and I shall now excuse myself, my ladies, and my prince." You had never regarded them by their titles before, but as you ran out the doors, you were overcome by your feelings. You gulped for air; unaware that you hadn't been breathing for the entire meeting, you were relieved to receive a break. You hurried to your room to get ready for the rest of the day as your eyes started to swell up.

Everything persisted, and your excuses increased significantly in frequency. While you were away, Alys became progressively closer to Aemond, and your connection with him deteriorated. Your heart would soar when Aemond would visit, giving you the impression that he had chosen you, even if the way he spoke when Alys was around was different. He would tell about how he bonded with the lovely girl, and even though it was just a wish, you hoped he had done the same for you.

Then it happened.

You wished you hadn't seen the invitation letter, but that can only be accomplished by going back in time or being blind, which Aemond wouldn't approve of. But there it is, opened and intact, the contents in sight as your head pounded.

Tomorrow night, Aemond and Alys are scheduled to propose marriage, as stated in the letter of invitation.

Your personal maid was waiting for your notice while your dress, which Aemond constantly complimented, was placed on your bed. Your heart began to race as the following day approached so quickly. Even as handmaidens assisted you with your attire and makeup, you divulged yourself in your thoughts to soothe your racing heart. Someone knocked on the door just as you were beginning to forget the incident. The someone being the one you'd hoped to avoid spending the entire evening with.

His pleasant voice, filled with honesty, was expressing, "You look beautiful, Y/N," and you will miss hearing it. You chuckled, then looked back at him and peered into his eyes.

You returned, "You look handsome as well, my prince," and you accompanied him out through the door. "I wish you wouldn't call me that, though," he said, his face seeming rather somber as his eyes continued to watch your every movement.

You lifted an eyebrow, "Call you what?"

"My title," he continued, with pursed lips as he gave you a knowing look. Was your distance really that significant, or had it gotten out of hand? He continued after clearing his throat to get your attention when you didn't respond, "We have been friends for so long; we are comfortable with each other, are we not?"

Your breath hitched, and you felt your eyes fill. "Of course, Aemond." Aemond caught a glimpse of it and hugged you. You blame yourself for being too conceited, and you appreciated his embrace by clutching a little too firmly onto his garment around his back, "I'm going to miss you."

Aemond rested his palm on your cheek and brushed your tears away, ending the hug with a chuckle that seemed to be in bewilderment. His face was so close to yours that if someone had seen it, they may well have thought it was immoral. "There's no need to; nothing will change. We will see each other again just like usual."

"Oh," were you expecting too much? Perhaps you are, and perhaps you should stop. You took a quick breath, refocused, and then steadied yourself. 

"Of course," you both approached the banquet hall as you murmured with a somber smile and your hand accepting his outstretched arm.

There were too many people for you to appreciate, and your normal seat adjacent to the man you love was warm as it had already been claimed by someone else. Your gaze never left the pair, their fits of laughter after a few too many drinks, and the way they held hands when guests attended their proposal feast. Yes, you were resentful, but could you really blame yourself? Would you not be upset if the man you have loved for a very long time chose someone else instead of you?

The feast was lavish, with many tables set across from each other to precisely frame the couple. There were several chandeliers lit up especially for the event. You chuckled as you recalled asking Aemond when you were younger how it was done and his only response being that the stars did it. The guests who crowded the room were happy, which indicated that it was warm, but your side of it remained frigid.

Truth be told, your parents only recently decided to focus on your personal engagement a mere few weeks ago, and Cregan Stark, the young Lord of House Winterfell, offered his hand to you. Your parents have put a stop to all endeavors for all these years as they have witnessed your friendship with the prince, perhaps expecting that you two would soon find comfort in one another. How stupid you were, and now that you're old enough, the letters have become fewer and farther between, but you still hold out hope that you and Aemond will mend fences and become much more. A stupid idea, really.

Even though you were present, most of the speakers and toast-raisers were people you had never met before or who made fun of your relationship with Aemond. Although this gave you time to ponder, a true friend would congratulate your friend on their engagement. Although you weren't very adept at expressing your emotions, with the help of ail, it allowed you to become the kind of good friend you would imagine yourself to be. With your glass rising and a smile on your face, you sprang up and turned to face the engaged pair.

"I also," you cleared your throat while your hand trembled at the amount of attention you had gathered by your sudden outburst. Aemond gave a comforting nod at you, you almost laughed at yourself, even at this moment of time he is always so worried and supportive of you, "want to raise a toast."

You could hear the cheers of people, beckoning you to continue. "I would like to thank the Gods for how they introduced both of this loving couple to one another," you gazed at Alys with a warm heart; although with a tinge of envy, you couldn't help but see her blooming with beauty at the current moment.

You could hear the cheers of people, beckoning you to continue. "I would like to thank the Gods for how they introduced both of this loving couple to one another," you gazed at Alys with a warm heart; although with a tinge of envy, you couldn't help but see her blooming with beauty at the current moment.

"When Alys was first introduced, I knew instantly that Aemond would love her truly," Alys chuckled, placing her head on Aemond's shoulder while she smiled warmly at you.

Your smile fell, though your composure didn't, as you continued, your gaze hardening, "Choosing the one that you want to share your entire life with is a gift, something some of us will never get to experience."

"Your friendship and love have brought many things; some would say they can even see colors when both of you unite. Something I wish I could've seen as well, though the gods play a different game," A couple of people laughed as you joined their fits though yours were grave.

"They demonstrated to us that even if you don't view something as others may, you can still perceive it that way." You shifted your eyes on Aemond as you noticed him getting tense on his seat while you gnawed your lip in fear. If he wasn't conscious of your feelings at the time, perhaps he is now.

"Because I know I love you, no matter where you are, what you were doing, or whoever you loved. I will always be there, loving you as much as I can." The room fell still as low, astonished whispers from a few people emerged.

Aemond's jaw opened and his eyes widened as his hold on Alys loosened. It appeared as though he was about to say something but restrained himself. Alys' attention flickered between you two, from confusion to acknowledgement, but you guessed it just as such because you were too exhausted to really absorb anything before realizing how awkward the environment had become.

"As a friend," you laughed uncomfortably, correcting yourself. Your other hand, which was concealed below the table, would scratch its own skin with its overgrown nails; you know it would bleed, but the embarrassment is far more frightening than a simple blood spill. Alys appeared comforted as you turned back to glance at Aemond, who was left to his own thoughts while his gaze was still focused on you.

You continued, however your nerves were still there, "Though I am not alone now, and I am grateful that she provides you with things I couldn't provide."

"So let us raise our cups once more to my favorite friends." You raised your cup higher and placed a beaming smile on your face, saying, "Congratulations on your betrothal; may your marriage flourish and never end."

"Sincerly, from your friend."

While the audience applauded in unison and some even screamed accolades at you after your speech, it didn't help that after you sat in your seat, you felt yourself continue to merge with it as your eyes began to wet a little. Though it didn't stop there, Alys stood up, raising her own cup with a beautiful smile and saying, "Thank you, my dear friend. I also want to raise a toast to you about your engagement."

No, not like this. Your eyes became wide, nearly making you desire for her to cease, though she continued. Her smile widened, though it held no sincerity. "To Cregan Stark."

Aemond and you locked gaze once again. "I wish both of you a healthy engagement as well," the female added before coyly kissing her fiance's cheek. The expression he exhibited was a complex one, but you were too busy being humiliated to understand the message behind it.

Following the ceremony, there was a dance as people chatted among themselves. You could have thought it was an opportunity to introduce yourself, but instead you stood next to a pillar and listened to a woman talk to you about things you couldn't even fixate on. Only Aemond's potential current feelings toward you—possibly disgust—can impair your judgment. Even though your little encounter was swiftly over, you noticed Aemond peeking your way amongst the joyful crowd, seemingly hoping to strike up a conversation. Before turning to face you, he had excused himself from a Lord during his short conversation with the elder.

Your lips quivered as you reflected, 'No, not this way.'

You again excused yourself before Aemond could get to you. Avoiding a potential conversation between you two is the one thing you have ever been excellent at. You abandoned your glass and walked out of the overcrowded room as the lady nodded in understanding but seemed baffled. Missing the way Aemond had called out for your attention but was dismissed by your abrupt choice of action.

Your knees gave out as you attempted to stand in front of the tree, the exact godswood where you and Aemond first met, and tears began to flow from your eyes. You begged for prayers, pleading with your wounded heart to cease whatever it was doing and demanding that it carry you far from where you stood. You have suffered for too long; you have finally realized that, and you have acknowledged that the very God you were praying to is harsh and cruel. As you cradled yourself in your sobs, you yanked at the soil with rage, your forehead meeting the tip of it, as wails could be heard throughout the entire space, not caring if someone would eavesdrop.

You thought of vows that could have been ensued if you were only tough enough to conjure and confess your feelings to him, as well as the numerous ‘what ifs’ that might have followed.

Of all the people your heart has chosen to love, it chose a man who loves another. And most of all, you wept, wishing he had chosen you instead of her.

TAGS: @maymay456 ; @kalmado ; @ml0103 ; @justsumtuffstuff ; @zverea ; @parizparis

[throughtrialbyfire]

𝐖𝐈𝐏 𝐖𝐞𝐝𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐝𝐚𝐲 ♥

i'm back! hopefully!! (yes i know i'm a day late but STILL-)

sorry i havent been doing wip wednesdays, i'm only now really recovering from the exhaustion of last semester. that being said, thank you to the lovely @skyrim-forever for tagging me!!

i'm tagging the amazing @dirty-bosmer @mareenavee @oblivions-dawn @totally-not-deacon and @archangelsunited !!!! if you're not tagged and wanna join, feel free to tag me back regardless, i love seeing what you're all working on!! <33

this comes from chapter 31 of "Cycle of the Serpent", and is a longer piece of an excerpt i posted recently. warning, it is, indeed, long. i hope you enjoy!

Mid-morning nestled uncertainly atop the high mountains at the edge of Solitude. The sun peaked its head out hours ago, and the daylight colors took it as their sign to sprawl over the sea, a chill in the air as Last Seed came to its end. A constant breeze trailed off the sea, fumbling along the multicolored flags strung between buildings, high above the trios heads as they made the brisk march to Castle Dour. The constant exchanging of shade for sun between buildings, of money for goods in the nearby market, and the eternally-present sounds of the blacksmith and his apprentice at work pushed their feet further towards the grand doors, Emeros' chin held high. He'd woken up late for the first time in a very long time, and that fact alone had done its best to unravel his senses for the first few minutes of his day. Breakfast had been a brief affair. While Athenath looked pleased to be done with all of this and finally make their way to the Bard's College, Wyndrelis shared in the uncertainty. Would Tullius really let them go, just like that? Would he sign off on their pardon and consider them free in Imperial-controlled Holds? Did it matter? They'd done what they'd set out to do, and even more, so if he didn't pardon them… Emeros tried not to think too far into the future on this. Take it one step at a time, one seagull's call after another.

The doors parted with the same, loud announcement of their entry in the creak of the hinges, and Emeros kept his head high as he walked the length of the chamber, General Tullius and Legate Rikke already engaged in some sort of disagreement over the shining pins stuck deep into an old map. Still, Tullius took his bent posture with his large hands firmly against the table, studying its every fleck of ink, every trailing of pathways and roads and borders. As he approached, Emeros got a look at the layout, the wooden pegs shifted since the last time the trio had been in this room. Some of the shifted pegs were a bright blue, and closer to the red pegs than it seemed the General liked. Legate Rikke stood near Tullius with furrowed brow, her hair catching the light, concern plain on her face. She pressed a finger against a section of the map and said something to the General, who waved a hand as though dismissing her suggestion. When Emeros cleared his throat, she looked up, surprise overtaking her features for one vital moment before settling into a small grin, the calm approval, the sturdy folding of her arms over her chest. "Welcome back. You lived." "Your fort is cleared. If you would like it to remain that way, then I would suggest sending troops there at once," Emeros stated, the stern edge to his voice accentuated by the way he appeared to be peering downward at the General's bent posture, the Legate's short and broad stature. If one were to see through the tall Bosmer's eyes for a moment, they would find he was instead staring at the corner of the table.

"Excellent," Legate Rikke motioned for a couple of nearby soldiers, speaking to them quickly, the shuffle of their feet out the door catching against the air. She prodded the tip of her tongue to the inside of her cheek, thoughts scuffling about behind her blade-sharp eyes. "You know, I'm impressed." "That's very well and good, but as previously discussed, we're here to acquire an Imperial pardon, nothing more." Emeros maintained the calm in his voice, but his patience waned thin. He understood which gears turned in her head, the same damned urge to bring them into the fold of the Legion she'd joined more than thirty years ago. Loyalty to the Empire had solidified like the cement which bound cobblestones into perfectly smoothed paths in the Imperial City, and Emeros would make it clear he shared no such loyalty. They had done all of this to save themselves from the possibility of another false imprisonment. Fort Hraagstad had been nothing more than a means to an end. He watched the Legate bite the inside of her cheek, running a hand over her head. Perhaps she was thinking of something else now. She shifted her stocky frame to face the table fully, her hands plucking another red pin and sticking it into the map, marking something important, the very piece of debate which had left she and Tullius unaware of the trio's presences until he'd made a sound. Tullius rose at last, straightening his posture. As he turned, Emeros noted the weariness in his eyes. A man visibly running on less sleep than normal, especially clutching dozens of lives in his hands and bearing even more on his shoulders, is a very volatile thing. The Bosmer swallowed down his questions, instead opting for the arching of a brow as the General took stock of the three, his focus squarely landing on Athenath's new sword for a moment. Accepting the strange, glowing thing sheathed at the bard's side, he turned again to Emeros. "You know, I've sent troops to that fort before." He shifted his weight side to side, one foot, then the other, his bulky arms folded over his barrel chest. Perhaps the Empire had sent him to handle the Civil War for his intimidating appearance, or perhaps it was an isolated post used to give disgraced soldiers another chance. In either case, he spoke again, "do you want to know what happened to them, mister Nightlock?" A pause as if awaiting an answer that refused to come. "They would come back wounded. Some, not at all. But you three strangers took it for the Legion. And not a scratch on you that I can tell."

"Riveting," Emeros droned. "And what does this have to do with our pardon?" "Don't you get it?" Tullius pushed. "You survived Helgen, took Fort Hraagstad, and killed a dragon in Whiterun! Stories get around, mister Nightlock, we know about the Western Watchtower and what you three did there." He gestured a hand to the map behind him, Rikke taking her chance to go, already following some other soldiers out of the antechamber. In a lower tone, the General continued. "This war is taking its toll. We're hardly a year into it, and yet it's taken many of our men. The Empire is straining its resources, and Skyrim and all its people are suffering for it. Anyone who can turn the tides against Ulfric and win this Civil War will be-" "A hero." Emeros' patience threatened to snap. The words caught at his incisors. He crossed his arms firmly over his chest. "I'm well aware of the rewards of heroism. A nice home in the Cyrodiilic countryside may appeal to you, General, but we've no time for such fantasies. Should we continue to traverse the Empire-controlled portions of Skyrim, we run the risk of being captured by your Legion as criminals for, need I remind you, a case of mistaken identity. I understand your desperation, really, I do, but I do not intend to drag myself nor my compatriots into such conflicts." The room dropped into a cold silence. Eye-to-eye, Emeros and Tullius stared one another down, the Bosmer's jaw grit tight, nostrils flaring. The door to Castle Dour parted, Legate Rikke on her way to lead a garrison to the now-empty fortress, Emeros figured. Athenath stood back with Wyndrelis, both of them having decided long ago that it was best that the alchemist handle this situation. The General flicked his gaze to them, then inched it from one face to another, from Emeros, to Wyndrelis, to Athenath, before giving an audible sigh and pressing the crook of his thumb to his forehead, massaging the stress-lined skin.

"Very well. You may have your pardon," he reached for a letter, the ink dry, already written and signed for the three elves, "but you'll need to take it by the Blue Palace yourselves." Emeros narrowed his eyes. "Why is that necessary, may I ask?" "We send word to the other Holds on our own. However, since you're already here in Solitude, you get to do the leg work yourselves. Take it by the Blue Palace and give it to the scribe, Phoebe. She'll officiate it." The General passed the paper gingerly to Emeros, the stamp of the Empire glaring back at the elf as he clutched it tight, unfolding it, scanning the writing rapidly. "I'm sure that you'll find it's all in order." "Yes, I'm sure," Emeros replied sourly, not looking up once from the paper. He read and re-read the words over and over, let them settle into the pit in his stomach, by the orders of General Tullius, Military Governer of Skyrim… After one final read-through, Emeros looked up and gave a curt nod. "Thank you for your time, General Tullius. Best of luck." He folded the letter along its preexisting creases, turning on his heel. The sound of his boots echoed through the chamber, the other two Mer exchanging a look of mild confusion before they followed suit, Athenath giving the General an awkward half-wave as they walked behind Emeros, eagerness in every step the three took. Whether this meant the end of their troubles or the beginning of new ones was a mystery, obsfuscated by the mid-morning sun and the glint of metal as soldiers trained for battle in the courtyard. Emeros clutched the letter tightly in a talon-like grasp, and prayed through the poundings of a stress headache to gods he strained to believe in that this would be over.

[molsno]

hello ^-^

soo i saw one of your posts about transmisogyny which i thought was really well written and articulated, so i wanted to get your opinion on something.

i’ve seen some tme trans(masc) people on here say that treating trans men like “gender traitors” or “siding with The Enemy” is bioessentialist and terf rhetoric, however i see this brought up almost exclusively in response to conversations about tme and/or male privilege. to me it seems like they feel invalidated or vilified by trans women and discussions about transmisogyny, and so they reposition the issue as one which targets and oppresses them so that they can avoid having to confront any privilege they may possess. i also think the way they phrase it purposely obfuscates what they’re really getting at, which is that men are oppressed for being masculine and held up as the ultimate evil (patently untrue). but i don’t really know as much about it as you might and it’s also not my place to decide what is or isn’t transmisogyny as a tme, so i wanted to hear your thoughts.

no pressure to respond and i hope you have a nice day <3

thanks for the well wishes. I'm trying to hold it together today and I figure I may as well answer this to distract myself

anyway yeah, those are some pretty astute observations. to be honest, I have to agree that the "gender traitor" narrative is bioessentialist, which is why it very much is terf rhetoric. in order for trans men to be "gender traitors" or "siding with the enemy", you would have to suppose that they are fundamentally women, and that they chose to be trans in order to escape from misogyny and gain access to male privilege. the basis of this hypothetical relies on the premise that they are female due to some permanent unchangeable characteristic, which is exactly what bioessentialism posits. plus, this narrative relies on the willful depiction of transness as nothing more than a lifestyle choice, which is blatantly transphobic due to the fact that for many trans people, transness manifests independently of any external factors.

(you will find a lot of debate about what makes people trans, and there is a lot of disagreement even among trans people, but I'm not going to get into that right now. just assume that my point is that there is no universal narrative that explains why people are trans and it varies from person to person.)

that being said, I feel it's also important to point out that there's no shortage of transmascs who are terfs or were former terfs. the reason for this is pretty obvious when you think about it for a few seconds: terfs regularly talk about how womanhood is an innately traumatic and miserable experience, and closeted transmascs for whom womanhood IS a traumatic and miserable experience sometimes gravitate toward that community because it makes them feel understood. terfs very much operate like a cult in this way, and you could easily assert that transmascs who become terfs are victims of cult brainwashing. however, my sympathy for them ends the moment I remember that they willingly joined a hate group whose purpose is the extermination of people like me.

and make no mistake! many of these men are still just as transmisogynistic as they were before! even the ones who leave the terf community (which is not all of them) only do so because they often find that they're no longer welcome when they choose to transition, not out of any desire to atone for the violence they've perpetrated against trans women.

so, what are these trans men to do after they've been exiled from the community that validated their existence and gave them a political drive? how can they reconcile the fact that their decision to choose masculinity and manhood has resulted in them feeling ostracized, ridiculed, and isolated? it's simple really: redefine their politics around the premise that men are actually hated in society. this is an easy conclusion for them to come to when they've been living inside an echo chamber where everyone they know DOES hate men.

the problem with that, though, is that in the eyes of a radical feminist, a "man" is a biological category of person, and any critiques you can make about men's behavior can be attributed to a biological cause. terfs don't ACTUALLY hate men, they hate "biological males" - trans women.

and that's very true of these transmasculine "former" terfs as well. they still hold the same bioessentialist views, so they feel vilified whenever they come into contact with the "biological males" they've come to despise so much. most of them don't actually understand any other types of feminism besides radical feminism, so when they encounter trans women reminding them that they have male privilege, they fall back on their bioessentialist beliefs. they're not an evil "biological male", after all, they're a "biological female" who's "ontologically incapable of violence", and a feminist is criticizing them for "siding with the enemy" by "choosing masculinity".

you need to understand that when they do this, it is largely a form of deflection. they resent the radical feminists who discarded them for being trans, and are attempting to distance themselves from the people who hurt them. that's why they're so vehemently anti-feminist. and because they haven't unpacked any of their bioessentialist beliefs, they're able to paint trans women, who deep down they still view as privileged and dangerous biological males, as aggressive and oppressive radical feminists. ultimately, despite whatever conception they have of themselves, they're expressing a form of male entitlement by shutting the conversation down and making everything that terfs do about them, ignoring the fact that the vast, VAST majority of the violence they enact is targeted specifically at trans women. and why wouldn't they? they don't actually care about trans women. they still hate us just as much as they always have, even if they now pay us lip service and (sometimes) use the right pronouns for us.

let me make myself clear: not all transmascs do this. not even a majority! all in all, this kind of story represents a pretty small minority of trans men, but they're very vocal and very visible in the trans community. that's not to say that most transmascs don't hold transmisogynistic views (it's basically impossible to have absolutely none if you're tme), but few of them are this hateful. this story is just one that I've seen played out many times - mostly involuntarily - because I've gotten a lot of these types of guys arguing with me on here and painting me as a radfem for talking about basic feminist tenets such as "men are an oppressor class".

also, as a disclaimer since I don't have time to get into everything: terfs are not a monolith and some terfs welcome trans men into their ranks (though these are an even smaller number of them), this was just one scenario that I hope painted a clear picture of the cause behind this phenomenon you've observed.

I hope this was helpful. if you need more examples, keep an eye on the notes of this post; they'll come crawling in here to argue with me in no time.

[anjelicawrites]

So, this is about the war boys polycule. How did they all get together? Was the reader with Tom first and then they were joined by Billy? Or the other way around? Or even Tom and Billy together first and then they invited the reader to join? I would love to see what their first time together was like, if you’re up for writing it.

This came out longer than it was supposed to be nonnie, I'm sorry (?)

Warnings: jealousy, kissing, fingering, oral (f receiving), p in v sex, a bit of chocking, overstimulation. A/N: reader is AFAB and is nondescript (Tom only calls them "good girl" once, they/them pronouns used if needed.

NSFW and 18+ only please!

They find you at the pub, morose and drunk as you mull over your memories with Billy. You are too far gone to truly hear Billy's worried remarks and it's up to Tom to lift you up and carry you bridal style to your small flat.

You never meant to put a wench in their friendship, never meant to be that person, you never thought Tom would be interested in you; he did flirt with you while you were interviewing him, but he did it with everyone at the military hospital and with half of the pub, the night the whole of London was celebrating the end of the war and you wanted to do some private celebration with sweet Billy. You never meant to hurt Tom and their disagreement around your budding relationship with Billy came as a nasty surprise that woke you up from your post war fantasies, and forced you to choose between being a good person or a selfish one.

You've seen too much death and destruction in your job as a reporter during the war to cause damages yourself: this was the only reason why you told them with tears in your voice

"I'm out. I'm not going to be the person that destroys your friendship."

To then leave, deaf to Billy calling your name and dodging Tom's hand that tried to grab your wrist.

You disappeared into the crowd and, hopefully, from their lives, hoping that the damages weren't so big that they couldn't be fixed.

Tom's warmth and tobacco scent envelops you, lulling you into a deep sleep, aided by your drunken state. You don't hear the sounds of the city around you, nor them discussing whether or not they should put you in bed dressed, only to decide to remove your shoes and roll you in all the blankets you own. You don't hear them settle in your small living room, nor feel the soft kiss Billy leaves on your temple: you're dead to the world and to the thought that you've lost your chance at happiness.

When you wake up, the morning after, you're hangover and confused: it's not the first time you get drunk, but you've never left your shoes tidily next to the door, not you had ever wrapped yourself in so many blankets. Then you hear movement from the living room and worry sparks in your belly: who is in your small flat with you?

Grabbing your shoe as a weapon you swing the bedroom door open, only to be welcomed by the sight of Tom attacking your secret stash of biscuits and Billy drinking tea with a straight back.

"I think I'm going to be sick."

You say, before dashing to the loo to throw up all the alcohol you've managed to drink yesterday.

In between retching you hear their voices from beyond the closed door and elect to ignore them. You still play deaf while you wash your face and brush your teeth: what the hell happened last night?

You receive your answer during breakfast, while munching on the almost burnt toasts Billy made for you, since Tom has finished all your biscuits!

"And why are you two still here?".

Billy's cheeks burn fire red and he almost loses the hold on your grandma's teacup, Tom stares at you as if ready to fight.

"Billy and I discussed our situation." He then says. "The situation being me destroying your friendship?" "No. Us two being both interested in you and you feeling the same." Tom concludes. "I have some very hot tea at hand." "And we have a proposal for you."

Billy's voice cuts through the tension between you and Tom.

"And what's that?"

You're walking back and forth like a caged beast, the unlikely duo staring at you.

"Are you two serious? Don't answer that!" You pace some more. "You two really think that is a good idea? All of us together?" "You want us love and we want you as well." Tom says.

He's right and you know it.

You've been with Billy, you've chosen him but are not immune to Tom's roguish charm, if you have to be absolutely sincere with yourself.

"I need to think about it and I need time."

Tom isn't too thrilled when you tell them that they need to go back to the military hospital still housing them, where their friendship started; Billy looks at you, concerned that the idea might offend you, when you simply need to be on your own to mull everything over.

The assignment in Scotland, to cover one of the prisoner camps for the enemy soldiers, comes as a relief: you need to focus on something else that's not you, Billy and Tom.

Not that you can leave your memories back in London, they pop up in your mind when you curl under the covers in the drafty pub room you're occupying: Billy's reddened face when you first french kissed him or how he looked like he was going to have a coronary when he first saw you naked, Tom's rakish smile and the way he would look at you, how much your heart was torn between the two friends.

Does it have to be that way, though? Is there a way for their idea to truly function?

You work, write your assignments and eat the terrible food of the pub with those questions playing in the background of your mind as you ask yourself if you have the courage to say yes: you've done so many dangerous things during the war, yet none had ever felt like starting such a strange chapter of your life.

The part of your brain that has been facepalming at your terrible decision making, since you decided to start a career in journalism, is screaming at how stupid you are, how crazy this is. You never cared before and as sure as hell you don't now that Billy is on his knees, blushing as he helps you out of your stockings and panties and Tom is opening your blouse to gently fondle your breasts as he kisses your neck.

The bed is somewhere behind you three but it doesn't matter, Tom is keeping you upright as Billy's tongue licks your folds slowly, with long sweeps from your hole to your clit that make your knees wobble. His tongue leisurely explores every inch of your cunt; the wetter you are, the easier it is for him to switch between vertical sweeps and round ones that have his mouth plastered against your cunt, until his lips find your clit and latch there with a moan that makes you keen.

Your body arches when Billy's fingers slip inside your hole slowly, you've taught him how to drive you absolutely mad, and you barely notice one of Tom's hands traveling down your body to grab Billy's hair to keep him close to your center, not when Billy's pads find that place that has you whine like a hurt animal the more he fucks against it.

You come with a scream and the pleasure doesn't stop: Tom is keeping Billy's face against your cunt and Billy is all too eager to keep tasting you, after all those days apart. His hands grab your hips when you try to squirm away as Tom's hand curls gently around your throat when you start begging and whining because the pleasure is too much, too intense, too much pressure ready to explode in your tummy and it doesn't stop when you come again and again, until your body falls against Tom, only then they lay you on the bed to finish peeling your clothes off.

You feel like your mind is floating, tired as you are you cuddle closer to Billy, who is laying next to you: you are so tired you're ready to sleep. With your eyes closed you snuggle in his clean scent and don't hear Tom moving towards you, one of his big hands gently cups your wet cunt and you moan, so oversensitive already.

"Shh, I need to prepare you." He says, his voice uncharacteristically devoid of his usual abrasive tone. "Tom please." You're not sure what you're begging for, more pleasure or mercy from them; you don't have time to truly think about it, Billy gently turns your head so that your foreheads can touch.

"Can we?" He asks, still as shy as he was the first time he slept with you. "Yes." You whisper back.

You're not sure your body can manage more pleasure but you're happy to try, for your sweet Billy, and for Tom as well.

Tom's long fingers slip inside of you, you're so wet it's so easy for him to start scissoring you with squelching sounds that would embarrass you, if you weren't too focused in kissing Billy as one of his hands cups your breast to gently massage it, in stark contrast with the way Tom is fucking against your poor G spot: fast and deep pushes that make your whole body tremble and your muscles curl brutally around him, pleasure burning through your body until you're certain you're going mad with it, instead it explodes inside of you and you whine in Billy's mouth as full body shakes ravage your body.

Tom turns you on your back, covering you fully, his weight carried by his bent arm next your head as the other hooks one of your useless legs on his shoulder, before breaching you slowly, careful of his size and of the desire burning in his loins from the second he's first seen you.

"Good girl." He drawls, his accent thick in your ear. "Such a good girl."

Like a mantra he says as he pushes inside of you, deeper and deeper, faster with every pass, until he bottoms out and you arch under him, your eyes crossing with a whine, your hand seeking Billy, as if he's your tether and he comes to you, to kiss you again as Tom grabs your hips to make sure he's still deep inside of you when he rears back, before pounding inside of you with abandon, your muscles so loose and wet it's easy for him to ravage you, your cunt the perfect fist around his cock, your body arching under him without your control, simply craving all the pleasure he's willing to give you, until you come with a shriek.

With a curse Tom turns you on your front and enters you again, his hands on your breasts as he supports you against his chest, his hips pistoning against you, your juices leaking obscenely down your tights. Billy's soft lips land on your abused clit to suck desperately, hungry for you again and you cry and beg, broken by your men, your body trembles, your hips try to squirm away from the dual onslaught of pleasure. But you have nowhere to go, you're trapped as pressure builds and builds inside of you and you come all over Billy's face and Tom's cock, your mind blank, body lax in their arms.

Your mind floats as they hug you tight, their lips kissing you everywhere they can and tether you back to shore, to them, to Billy's desperately hard cock nestled between the lips of your overused cunt. Tom's seed is still flowing out of your hole, marking your thighs and Billy's erection, not that any of you care, your body has never been so ready for Billy, the tiredness of your muscles notwithstanding.

"Please." You moan against him. "I love you." He murmurs against your lips, his cheeks aflame.

Billy is gentle when he enters you, slow pushes and pulls, mindful of how sore you are but he is relentless, his hips grinding against your clit, his lips around one pert nipple and he moans at the taste of your skin. You call his name and Tom's, ready to be the vessel of his pleasure, already drunk on yours that you don't expect Billy to cradle your tired body against himself, before he kneels on the bed, letting you sit on his erection, now so deep inside of you that you are sure you're not going to be able to walk for a week. Tom helps Billy wound your legs around his hips, so that he can rock inside of you with his face against your breasts and God help you, you can feel the pleasure spiraling again, and it's not only Tom's fingers making slow, circular motions on your clit, it's the closeness, it's the way Billy kisses your drenched skin as his cock massages your G spot continuously, riding the tendrils of the past orgasms still singing in your nerves.

"I can't, Billy...".

He needs to come, you can see in the way his face scrunches as he fights against the pleasure; you can't orgasm anymore, your body isn't capable to go again, but you don't care, as long as you can give him the pleasure he deserves.

"One last time, please." He begs, his face so earnest and open you can feel tears at the corners of your eyes. "Be good." The drawl of Tom's accent makes you shiver. "You have another one in you, for Billy." "No, no, Tom please." You whine, weak and lost. "No more." "Shh, I know you can." Tom growls, hungry for you. "I can't if you don't come with me, please." Billy begs with a desperate voice.

You make an animalistic sound at the back of your throat when Billy's hips rock faster and Tom's fingers push tighter on your abused clit; Billy's fingers grab your skin to push you closer to him as his cockhead bullies your G spot relentlessly and Tom's fingers slip on the squelching mess that's your center. With inarticulate sounds your body tries to escape their hold and they just keep you there, squashed between them, Billy's lips on your breasts leave marks he'll later kiss, Tom's teeth worry your neck as he pinches your clit cruelly, deaf to your whines of pleasurable pain, to how broken you sound when pleasure ebbs and ebbs and you crash in their hold, Billy following you with a long moan.

Billy's tears of pleasure mingle with yours as you three fall on the destroyed sheets; your skin almost hurt where it touches them, but you don't care, because you need this, need them as they do you.

This, this is the answer to the questions plaguing you in Scotland: simply loving one another, building something together instead of running away, giving you three a fighting chance, despite how uncommon their idea had been. And despite the voice in your head: it was wrong back when you started being a journalist and it is wrong now that your body is cradled by theirs. This is worth fighting for and God have mercy on whomever will ever try to separate you three.