#i won't push it past that
Text
When you send a spicy pic and get the reaction you were hoping for 🥰🥰🥰
#it's my crush's* birthday so a good excuse to send them them something cute that I technically took for them last year#*does it still count as a crush if you fucked a while ago and they know exactly how you feel about them and you still flirt occasionally#but also they live super far away and so a relationship isn't possible right now and you're ?maybe? fwbs but it doesn't really feel like it#whatever it was just nice to get a good reaction 😌#i won't push it past that#I would like to have someone else to moon over please
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#so one half of the couple i'm house/dogsitting for had an unexpected medical emergency on their trip#which -- i won't go into details but it culminated in a pretty serious diagnosis and emergency major surgery#and now they're coming home today after getting medevac transport back to california#and have asked me to stay here for a few more days while they settle in#as the one who had the emergency needs 24/7 care during recovery but is being released from hospital to recover at home#and they need someone to basically keep looking after the dog/keep her from getting in the way while they figure out what care he needs#anyway i agreed to stay a few days like they asked#which means i'm trying to finish my coursework before they get back later this afternoon but man my focus levels are LOW#and honestly they have been for several days at this point because once again it seems that waiting to hear about medical stuff has become#somewhat of a panic response trigger for me since the extended nightmare of february this year with my dad#and mostly i've been able to compartmentalize but the energy that takes has truly wiped me out#to the point that i'm genuinely shocked it hasn't set off a fibro flare up (touch wood)#also i really don't know this couple very well at all -- they're mostly friends of my parents-in-law#i've looked after their dog for them several times over the past couple of years#but obviously that's been while they aren't home#and i've only had fairly brief interactions with them#so i do feel a bit awkward about being here while they're going through something so serious and personal#but they're nice people and they need the help and i'm able to provide it so i'm gonna push past that#anyway just a tag post venting thing
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
sooo loving the shift in women's gymnastics that with every olympics you get more and more adult women and less and less 16 year olds competing bc I always thought that ''you peak at 16-18 it's just how it works'' was bullshit. Still think that's also bullshit in sports like figure skating and such. If you take care of your body properly you can keep going through your twenties and into your thirties, if they peak at 16 it's bc their bodies got fucked up at way too young an age
#olympics#womens gymnastics#just. i love seeing confident adult women killing it#just don't find a lot of joy in seeing 16 year olds at the olympics bc i never trust that they're being taken care of properly#bc like.... as a teenager you're far more likely to take unhealthy risks without being fully aware of the consequences#like i do cheerleading and i see the stupid shit our juniors do at far lower stakes y'know. like they'll train and compete with injuries#that they absolutely should not train or compete on#and i won't say i don't still do that kinda shit in my late twenties. i do#but i know what the consequences are. i'll push it to a certain point but not past it#and these kids? man some of them would compete on broken legs if their parents let them#and that's like. regional or maybe german championships not the olympics#and with an environment of coaches and parents that isn't perfect but that will at least not push them into these unhealthy patterns
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
in a variant of useless arguments that unfortunately i can't just use the block button on, i am reliving a wtfry from like five years ago because i'm trying to sort through my medical history and figure out if i have any further lurking disasters and i'm currently stuck on
me: i am trying to eat healthier so i want to add more fruits and vegetables to my diet
nutritionist: no don't eat more fruits! that's too much sugar! sugar is bad for you!
like really we're not talking about processed foods or added sugars, this person straight up told me there was too much sugar in raw, fresh fruit
#please god let my labwork imbalances rebalance#i've been prediabetic off and on for a decade and my last A1c was 5.5 so it's not getting worse & i need doctors to get off my ass about it#and I absolutely KNOW if you push me certain ways about food i'll go orthorexic if not anorexic#(and they won't even treat it like an illness because I'm fat)#(at a checkup last week I was commenting on my surgical recover and i lamented 'and i'm still losing weight' and the doc was like 'good!')#(bitch my weightloss was a symptom of an organ crisis i could have died of. no it's not good! i want to STABILIZE!)#i've spent years disentangling myself from the toxic diet culture shit my mother dumped on me like drink a glass of water to feel full#fuck that i barely ever feel hungry in the first place i need to listen to what signals i do get#and after all my hard work they're gonna try to drag me back in#i just fuckin know it#it's not like trying to balance my current dietary restrictions isn't borderline orthorexic already#but i feel like i have a grasp on why i do it and when moderation vs strict adherence is okay#and from past experience counting calories is the line where i will fully go insane#maybe 25 years on I could resist but i don't want to try#i would rather go on metformin or some other fuckin' drug i don't really need than count calories#ugh it's a week until my next appointment to talk about this it would be great if it would get out of my brain until then#chronic illness#medical bullshit#food bullshit
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
sorry for there being so little activity
I had a flu, had to make up hours at work because of going home from said flu, and now my period has come in with a steel chair to finish me off
gonna try and get some stuff done, but I'm going to be kinda busy tomorrow too
#i am fighting for my life#kinda want to write something about sanji comforting a reader on her period because i'm suffering#but no one requested that so i feel kinda bad ignoring real requests to indulge myself lol#one of my errands might get cancelled tomorrow because I lost enough weight from the flu to be under the weight requirement to donate plasm#so maybe i won't be as busy as i think#idk maybe eating a big breakfast will push me past the threshold
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
Oh? You like [popular ship]? Which one is always making "unecessary boundaries" and is "emotionally incompetent" and which one is always stomping over those boundaries in the name of "emotional competence"?
#hi expressing boundaries is not emotional incompetence be so fucking for real rn#like yes this is about superbat specifically but it happens so often!!! with ships!!!!#bruce saying 'no I do not want a relationship' and then being pushed and pushed by the narrative isn't a fun little thing#its fucking annoying#if I had a crush on someone and they repeatedly ignored my boundaries to talk about it I would probably not have a crush on them anymore lma#the funniest thing is how canon Bruce is a HUGE romantic#man is ready to fall in love at the drop of a hat#he won't act on those feelings without the other person expressing interest because he is self aware about being a train wreck#meanwhile Clark has told one person his identity and then immediately married her#id love a fic where Clark pushes and pushes past Bruce's boundaries and everyone else points out how rude that is dude#playboy therapy does this actually it's great
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
They are doing a LOTR marathon in the cinemas but it's Saturday and I fucking work Saturdays, why do I have to submit to the fatal order of needing money 😭😭😭😭
I can still go to watch ROTK though 👀
#it's starting at 11 finishing past midnight hdjjdsjz#if i push people outta my way skip lunch i could maybe be on time for ttt#but it's betting on good public transport#oh and by the way i might not be able to come back home if there's the slightest delay#but that's a problem for the me after having seen rotk#i think im gonna go only for rotk#cause ttt is not realistically possible#and i do need to it and stay hydrated lmao#so.... what if i just do that#honestly i appreciate the marathon idea#but also to be completely honest#even if i could#i now have the body of someone lowkey burn out from sitting behind a desk for 9h#so they could do a run on three Saturday nights for the elders (my 32 ass lmfao)#but hey they are playing it it's all that matters#i didn't see them in the cinema back then#so even if i only watch rotk#im gonna cry so fucking much#i wouldn't bear Boromir's death on a giant 4k screen#but like helm's deep battle on fucking giant screen??? i would combust#WAIT#SAM SPEEECH ON A GIANT SCREEN???? IM GOING TO PASS OUT#i won't survive only one movie#guys im already crying sususjjzjzjz#aaaaaaahhhhhhhh#misc
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
@letsoulswander replied to your post “i'm listening to the sdv soundtrack right now and...”:
One of the things I really liked about Wind is that a few of the prominent emotional moments landed on in-game cut scenes for the characters. It helped my mind click them together into one story, instead of rejecting free-play video game story plot.
That's fair! It was easier to link Elliott and Alex in that sense because Alex spends all his time on the beach in summer, and Elliott lives there. And it was a much shorter story so I was using much more 'obvious' in-game links (especially since I jettisoned all the gameplay elements).
Stain is a lot longer and I feel like I'm not locked into forced cut scene-type moments. Maybe it's just that I've seen that scene like 15 times now and written a version of it that it's not that I'm burnt out on it so much as like... Alex hasn't been using it in the story so far, he's been thinking about his mom a fair bit, and she's not an entirely positive memory since he lost his grandparents (since he's been reflecting a lot more on how difficult his upbringing was in a different way to Wind, which frankly didn't really address anything in depth in some ways on that front aside from a handful of memories).
For me because Stain is a deeper story, I can go a lot deeper and I don't need to rely on the music box to do it. I can understand if other people need that! It'll just mean my story's not for them if I don't include the scene. However if, on the other hand, they've gotten 20+ chapters in and they like the story, they probably don't need that scene either. :D
#letsoulswander#reply post#a stain that won't dissolve#thespectaclesofthor#like still not saying the scene won't be in there#but i definitely don't feel obligated#or like that's the only avenue we have into alex's trauma and his feelings about his mom#whereas i felt very restricted in Wind#because Elliott doesn't push in the same way Sebastian does#and he doesn't have *memories* of Alex's family#the way Sebastian does#which changes absolutely everything on 'recollecting the past'#and ties it into Alex's upbringing#the bullying and a lot more#but i also have like...issues with that cut scene these days#i hate that you still end up laughing at alex in his most vulnerable moment#and you leave him distressed on the beach#even in the best possible ending/option#which has soured the music box scene a bit for me after my 1700+ hours of playing
18 notes
·
View notes
Text
recently had one of those icebreaker things where you have to share a hobby or something and i just realized i haven't done anything besides work this week but lay on the couch and stare straight up with a youtube video playing
#my executive dysfunction is so bad i'm not sure that's what it is#it's so bad i cannot bring myself to move#like i'll be completely motionless and limp#and try to will myself to move my fingers or toes#and just won't be able to#i can feel an invisible wall that i need to push past to do it#but it is so insurmountable that i can only lay there#over and over and over begging muself to do something#pretty much every movement i make takes ten times extra effort than it should#i need to figure out how to get past it#somethings wrong
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Good Morning. letterboxd oscars voting will close at noon gmt on the 23rd, or exactly three days' time. please join me in adding the eight mountains as a write in answer for all categories that apply (it's eligible i checked). for me this included best picture / international film / actor (both) / score / cinematography / adapted screenplay. for you this can be whatever.
link here
#if id known this was happening earlier i wouldve made a bigger push earlier. however its never too late#it won't win i'm sure but i AT LEAST want it to gain some recognition due to being MY most beloved movie#also theater camp and scrapper my beloved underdogs. never enough past lives votes too#neon has thoughts#le otto montagne#if yall wanna signal boost this one. ILL be annoying as hell about it
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
My crumbled world!! 🤍
#same shit different day#want to continue but something is forcing me not to#aesthetic#this is life#you need to give yourself a little push#i can do this#I won't repeat my past#you're on your own kid#this can't be the end
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#alright these tags are super embarrassing but i needed to rant publicly so uh. you can read this but please don't perceive me too much#it is so fucking exhausting having nobody to share my life with#i have literally zero friends at this point bc ever since my grandpa died i've pretty much stopped trying to keep in touch with my hometown#friends and i cut off my 'friend' group that were racist assholes who treated me like a doormat back in october and haven't really made any#close friends at college since. and i just fucking hate that this is the same way i've felt for so many fucking years like you'd think it#would be bearable at this point and i'd be used to being alone and for a while i honestly was but it just hit me tonight how fucking lonely#i am and how tomorrow i have to keep on just doing the shit i have to do in life without anyone to talk to and share it with#other than my mom who's been pissing me off lately so i've been pushing her away too!#it's so tiring to have to go out and do things and have responsibilities everyday and not being able to share that with anyone idk it makes#it feel almost like i'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders which is SO dramatic i know#like today i wanted to talk about the stupid false alarm gas leak thing with my sort of friends in this club i'm in but i didn't get to talk#to anyone at the meeting bc everyone was just talking amongst themselves in their little groups of best friends and it just reminded me that#i don't have that and i've never fucking had that i've only ever pretended i had that#it's like all these years i've been pretending to be a person that has friends and knows how to live life normally but i never have#more than anything i just miss my friends from home bc they're the closest i've ever felt to having friends that are like family but. i#don't know how to talk to them anymore. i didn't tell any of them when my grandpa died and i think they just assumed that i've moved on so#they've probably moved on and i already know that they have their own lives and friends at their schools that are a lot more full than mine#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine#and i won't meet with her again until 3 weeks from now so literally the only person i can talk to about this right now is my mom#which i am absolutely not gonna do bc she's gonna get so scared and worried for me and i can't have that rn#anyways yeah. this isn't even that big of a deal like i haven't had friends for at least the past 6 months it's not like anything's changed#i just feel extra sad about it right now. i need a distraction stat gonna go watch watch some tv goodnight#shut up hanna
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
okkkkkk. time to watch the crossroads episodes that are out. i will cry
#sage talks#i'm already kind of. mentally On the balance beam and this will push me over but god if it won't be worth it#i've cried uh. 5 times in the past 24 hours. let's see how high we can get the count guys#also i have the most DREADED tummy ache (period) this is so tucked
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
there is literally not a worse feeling that exists than the feeling that you just annoy people.
#just doesn't exist. I'm so fucking isolated right now i absolutely hate it. and the people that ARE close to me?#i feel that i annoy them the most and one of them is actively pushing me away#i can't find anyone to be friends with me IRL here in Jersey. it's been almost nine months here#and I don't have a single IRL friend. i try online apps and support groups but nothing clicks#and the people that chat with me on the apps stop answering after 2 messages.#my own best friend of like 8 years won't even fucking talk to me. not bc she hates me or anything#but she is so fucking caught up in her own head that she literally avoids me. so that sucks!!#i know she's suffering bc she is so worried about me but. it's a really big slap in the face that#we've supported each other thru thick and thin the past 8 years. and i dropped everything for her more than once#but in my time of biggest need when I'm the most alone I've ever been in my adult life???#she cannot show up for me. that fucking sucks.#and I've distanced myself from my only close family bc they've severely mistreated me so.#all i have is my partner. who means the world to me and sacrifices so much to help me!!#but it comes at the cost of CONSTANTLY feeling like a huge fucking annoyance to the only person in my life#who is genuinely able to show that they love and care for me. that's literally awful to feel.#we just had our 5 year anniversary and i needed something really celebratory so badly.#and it didn't happen and our ''anniversary'' was just at home#and our official anniversary of starting dating is on veterans Day. and we won't even be in the same fucking region#so I'll be alone with my shitty family.#i hate it i feel so unappreciated and unwanted and like nothing about me is ever enough.#negative#audio
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
I thought about working a 9-5 for the next 45 years of my life and all of my love for life has evaporated
#it's 1am i'm going to read fun fics and forget about it and go to sleep#i have other things to worry about. we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.#.... it's genuinely distressing though.#because the only times i feel like a real person are outside of school or work.#especially holidays#i am never as much myself as during the summer holidays#i never have as much energy and motivation and joy for life as during the summer holidays#but soon i won't get a 2-4 months period to be a real person anymore.#soon i'll have to take a few weeks/year for a good 4 decades and by the time i'm done i won't have enough money to enjoy my freedom#i don't want that. i want to be a person. i want to be me 24/7 all year round#i don't want to say 'i'll do it when i have the energy' every day and know in my heart i won't ever have it anymore#do you know how long it takes to recharge those batteries? three weeks of holidays won't cut it#and i'm not even going to get that#i don't want to stop drawing to stop having fun with fandom to give up my hobbies and who i am as a person#but i know i don't have the energy to be a person after 4-5 hours of work#what is it going to be like when i have to do 7 hours a day?#when i have to push past my limits every day?#i can't conceive of a future where i work. i just can't. and it's going to happen and it's going to kill me#and i'm not even going to be dead! i'm just going to sleepwalk around the whole time and never be a person again#because all of the energy i have for that will have been taken by a work i don't want to do#.... okay i'm going to cry. um. fanfic time. i'm going to bury that under good fanfic so i can manage to fall asleep#wow i have a ramble tag now
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
I suppose I had a "nightmare" of sorts, calling it as it's like the opposite of "yume/dream".
cw: depiction of strangulation, described in graphic detail
Fingers wrap around my thin neck, the slightest bit of pressure causing my throat to constrict. Looming above was a figure, if it was one at all as it looked merely like a blurry silhouette.
Too weak to resist, too shocked to even try and fight my way out.
Despite being silent, I can hear my own voice choking out a, "Thank you", moments before my vision turns black.
#i'm mostly fine at the moment so that intrusive thought was very out of left field for me#but I won't push it past me because rii is into that..#(目覚める)
1 note
·
View note
Last Seen Blogs
