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twitter VS tumblr :,)
i dont want to seem like im complaining, as i dearly love tumblr and the awesome people here, but this is a reason why i am so anxious about twitter dying; to be fair, this is by far my most suddendly and most popular art tweet (i am unsure why) and in no way the norm over there (my usual art gets rarely if ever above 1k) and im well aware of how differently these two platforms work
still sometimes its pretty hard to not worry about it, tho i dont want to sound like im not appreciating the people that do interact with my stuff here, i am very thankful for each and every one
im afraid im not eloquent enough to properly express how i feel about it all, but anxiety is definitely one of them
(edit: im not trying to farm attention to that post or something, just the comparison of the extreme difference how the same fanart posted around the same times of a pretty popular character atm got attention on those two sites is making me worry? anxious? feel weird?)
#ganondoodles talks#unsure what to tag this as#and yes i know i know#tumblr has way less users#way less giant accounts that can boost visibillty astupif amount#but these two sites are the only ones im comfortable to be on#the only thing that ever got this popular on tumblr is an old self deprecating meme that still haunts me#i worry i am doing something wrong here#.. maybe i shouldnt have added the process pics#idk#if it sound im damn near depressed about it#im not!#but that extreme difference is weird to observe#and kinda scary given what the clown baby keeps doing to twitter
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okay, so, i just realized i never said this, but if i ever reblog something from you and you want me to take it down, please do just shoot me an ask explaining which post it is and like. try to make it clear that's what you're getting at (ie, if you just send me "fuck you never reblog my stuff i hope you die" i am not going to understand that inherently as a request and more of as a dick move)
because, genuinely, i don't wanna be reblogging something that you're uncomfortable with and if i ever fail to read the room, it's probably a mistake and i would love for you to tell me that i made one.
#original posts#not counting#i try very hard not to reblog anything personal but i might mess up because i am a human person#and i often am queueing stuff at like. 6:30 am approximately? and that's probably not the best time for me always#when i say i need clarification it's just because like. if you're sending me an ask like the example i gave i'm gonna see it as a hate ask#and not as a request per se. and also i do need to know which post because. obviously i do need to know that.#sorry if this is out of nowhere i was just like. worried i might have done something wrong lol#i am first and foremost a worrier so. obviously i'm going to worry about random stuff#OR if you need me to tag something. is that on my pinned post? i will add it to the pinned post#i'm actually add all this to my pinned post. so. yeah. just wanna make sure we're on the same page here#and that i don't offend anyone or. stuff. y'know.
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I am ill with longing (thinking about friendships again).
#ramblings#GGGRGRHHRHGGRHRHHRGRHRH#okay back to cooking im making potatos and daydreaming again#do you ever think about how long the animatronics have been alive? how many people they've met. how many staff bot -#renditions have come and gone. do you think about the kids who grew up and never came back? do you think about the parents who off handedly#befriended one or more animatronics taking their kid along the Plex?#human staff who left to find a better job. human staff who got unknowingly laid off in the midst of the storm#the glamrocks slowly disbanding from each other because somethings. wrong here. something is wrong. or did they lean closer to each other#and keep the glitch a secret. quietly losing parts of themselves more worried about their friends#i think so often on how Monty is said to dip away from the band. and hides along the catwalk#i am SICK#i am ILL#sorry for all the tags afjskkddkdk
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while aaravi remains firmly within "yeah miranda has a difficult personality and isn't very easy to get along with + has many rough edges which are slowly being worked on but still going to be an issue" after having been very much so within the camp that miranda is a Vexing Bitch upon first contact/getting to know her, she DOES go from "miranda is unpredictable and dangerous as a merfolk and large macropredator and her emotions are inscrutable and random" to "merfolk aren't very hard to understand or predict and it's very easy to stay on the safe side if you keep basic rules in mind and don't freak out the second something unexpected happens"
#all the care guide says is 'biomass'#miravi.txt#just. thinking about it!#thinking about specifically how merfolk (like most other animals) growl/hiss specifically as a deterrent#like if you start really upsetting miri and she wants space and you to Please Stop#she will probably turn her face away from the other person or turn her body away from them#while growling or hissing and pulling her fins back#and will open her mouth to bare her teeth or gape her mouth open to show her teeth (including heavily panting)#where the point is ''i will hurt you if you touch me/get closer/dont stop so please dont do that''#but a lot of people read it as her being either obtuse (if she turns away from them)#or outright aggressive for the showing of teeth and growling#when shes really not. shes being very polite in merfolk terms in giving multiple chances to avoid violence#shes going ''i am worried i might have to hurt you so please reconsider'' in a way thats very readable if youre another merfolk#who will then step away or give her her space and switch the tone of the conversation#to see whats wrong#whereas her being more deliberately aggressive/violent usually comes with minimal vocal cues at all#or (if shes specifically threatening someone such as in the case of getting aggressive over perceived threats to her social bonds)#she will often turn towards them and open her mouth and flare her fins#often deliberately closing the distance and making herself appear Extra Large#she WILL growl here but will never hiss (hissing being a more defensive sound)#and will often smack her tail against the ground or show her claws or otherwise demonstrate how large and how scary she is#as a deliberate point of ''you crossed a line and this is what is going to happen to you if you dont make it up right now''#which! both require VERY different responses but might look similar to a human!#and might end up coming off as unpredictable or random in her actions and cruelty!#when shes not! shes just doing things the way a merfolk does them#which means aaravi realizes VERY quickly after learning about all of this#just how many cues miranda gives that people are starting to make her uncomfortable and feel Not Okay#that are ignored or written off because theyre merfolk cues#merfolk are very tolerant of stress but have basically no concept of escalation of violence for that reason#because if youve ignored every chance to prevent something dangerous up until the point it goes too far
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WTFFF I thought thirteen would be my new girl crush love of my life heart eyes wife you-came-after-twelve-you-must-be-better-than-they're-all-saying bbygirl and then I had to sit down and watch as she told a man who (if he were not a murderer, of course) literally every regeneration before her would've LOVED and FULLY SUPPORTED that "the systems aren't the problem. how people use and exploit the system, that's the problem. people like you" </33333 !?!?
#WHERE IS THAT POST THAT SAID NINE WOULD KILL THIRTEEN FOR BEING A CLASS TRAITOR#WHY WOULD YOU SAY “ERODE PEOPLE'S TRUST IN AUTOMATION” ALL WORRIED AND CONCERNED LIKE THAT???#WHEN DID YOU START LIKING AUTOMATION OVER PEOPLE THINKING AND DOING THINGS FOR THEMSELVES???#AND WHY ARE YOU TRAVELING WITH A COPPER??? WE HATE COPPERS??????#did we FORGET into the dalek?? how about how he treated danny?? god there's so much more I can't even remember off the top of my head#(I understand soldiers are different from cops but c'mon don't even PRETEND twelve would've been any nicer if blue or danny were just COPS)#also a bit off topic bUT MAY I JUST TALK ABOUT ARACHNIDS IN THE UK FOR HALF A GODAMNED SECOND—#I know the companions are usually the ones to do the doctor's dirty work here but like#I just can't see the other doctors NOT having the business man lure the spider for being so fuckin annoying about it#like I was genuinely surprised when they had him do that whole song and dance about not doing it and then he actually just. didn't do it#the doctor LOVES fucking with evil rich business men this is PERFECT. plus why not get back at him for being awful to their companions?#absolutely gobsmacked thirteen let him act like that. I am wrong in thinking that the others would've shut his shit down a LOT quicker??#anyways. I love jodie whittaker and it's just so upsetting to have her doctor do something so wildly off#THIRTEEN PLEASE I HAD SUCH FAITH IN YOUUU I WAS IGNORING THE HATERS AND FOR WHAT#I can SEE the other doctors in her still I can FEEL them they're there she's doing an AMAZING job but. oh my god. what did they make her do#I can't even say she feels ooc as a whole because jodie is bloody brilliant. it's just these... moments. that don't make ANY sense to me...#especially coming off of twelve?? I get the radical personality switch but that belief is a core part of the doctor. or at least I THOUGHT#thirteenth doctor#doctor who#I still love all of you who love her and reading ur posts/fics but I. will not be making any myself. I do not think.
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hi fellow neurodivergent people
i hate to jump on the "i think i might have adhd" bandwagon, but if i think i might have adhd, how do i bring it up to my care team as a 28-year-old cis woman who was a massive overachiever until i couldn't keep up the ruse anymore?
#idk what happened when i got laid off it seriously is like my brain BROKE i cannot do anything#i have not done much of anything in a year. and i think it's bc my coping mechanisms were 1. self-medicate but ESPECIALLY do that while#2. overcommitting. because it kept me busy and distracted. i excelled in school because i could focus on it without it giving me anxiety#school was honestly almost the only thing that didn't give me anxiety as a kid. and i never felt quite Right like i didn't feel like i fit#in with my peers. i've always felt like a human being that isn't a person. like something's not quite right. i excel but i feel like i'm#doing it wrong because it's SO hard for me. i graduated my BA and BS programs with a 4.0#but it came with the cost of alienating all of my friends and family and becoming really reclusive and weird and distant and anxious#but i really just wanted to do well at the one thing i felt i was good at. which doesn't seem like something i should take note of#idk. my life feels like a claustrophobic box. i feel like i'm buried alive and i can't get myself out because i can't work#because i can't focus. but maybe i'm just stupid and lazy and want everyone to take care of me forever so i can continue laying around doin#fuck all. which i do a lot because i'm chronically ill. idk. like is there ground to stand on here. i literally have zero friends rn#and i feel so so so sos so anxious any time i am working because i worry i'm going to do something wrong or forget to do something or make#lots of mistakes that get me in trouble. i'm so scared of making mistakes it keeps me from doing anything at all. but i get so anxious bc#i'm not doing anything! i'm wasting time! and i can't focus on anything when i AM working because i have to get up and pace#like i HAVE to move around or i start to feel like i need to peel my skin off like i'm an orange#like. is it anything at all. or is this just me being someone who has Other Stuff going on
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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...
#hm. im in limbo. but at least i can draw again at last. ive never spent so long not wanting to draw. it was terrible#my job search lasted 4 days before i secured a position at target but i dont start until the 26th so im drifting until then#it feels so weird. like i dunno. i keep thinking abt jobs in a weird way now bc i just sorta drifted into what i do#weird academic stuff but i think most jobs arent like being a grad student and that never really occured to me#i dunno why. i could have done so many things but here i am. an ecologist mostly. i dunno. well see what the summer brings#maybe ill grow some social skills. its sorta weird but like the medication has made my head less terrible with intrusive thoughts. like i#can actually drive my car without hyperventilating which is fucking wild. so Maybe ill grow some confidence abt interacting with the world#going back in the fall still seems impossible rn but so does starting a job somewhere else. but i dunno#not where i expected to be in my life. im just lucky i dont have to worry much abt money#especially bc i got an ultrasound done so they cold make sure something wasnt wrong with my uterus#and its fine. guess it just hates me but that means i spent like 350 dollars for a 10min scan that showed nothing#ay. the us medical system#anyway. i guess ill continue drifting until the 26th#probably i should find something to do. or work on my old unpublished data#unrelated
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Every time Mario is visibly concerned/worried about Luigi in the trailers/TV spots/sneak peeks/etc shown so far.
#mario movie#mario movie spoilers#super mario bros movie#super mario bros#super mario bros movie spoilers#cherrysip edits#LOOK...this is not a very good gifset#i am working with tiktok videos and recordings of television screens here haha#BUT!!! i couldn't get the idea out of my head of compiling all of this and i spent so much time on these gifs that now i HAVE to post them#also i know the text could look better but i am not very good at that yet please be gentle with me!!!#a couple more caveats: i may have forgotten something and also the context of these clips could very well be misleading#these are basically scenes where the trailers/tv spots make it APPEAR as though mario is reacting about luigi but i could be wrong#with all of that out of the way: LOOK AT THIS MAN. THIS SAD WORRIED VERY SMALL MAN. GIVE HIM HIS BROTHER BACK#like many people i was also worried when it became clear that mario and luigi were going to spend a lot of this movie apart#and i'm sure there will be stretches of time where mario is caught up in the adventure#but just the fact that luigi seems VERY front of mind for mario throughout hurts my feeble little heart#he isn't going to stop he's going to do whatever it takes until his little brother is safe and back beside him#(also: i hadn't seen that 'this guy's brother is going to DIE' clip in a long time and the FACE JOURNEY that mario goes on there continues#to be SO incredible and funny. he genuinely looks very pissed off at toad after the initial shock wears off. AND I WONDER WHY)#(especially now that we know this is the second time toad makes a comment about his brother dying and/or being lost forever!!!)#(MARIO WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DIDN'T!!!!!)
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new icon time bc the moment we hit double digits on the halloween countdown my brain genuinely straight up forgot it was still summer
#*changes my icon and immediately forgets so I get jumpscared every time I use hold to rb on mobile*#oh yeah and here’s this funky guy. haven’t posted him before#he exists bc my hand shook in the wrong direction when messing around with a completely different Weird Cat concept and I went o shit that’s#better actually#my art?#my oc art#character art#original character#oc art#furry#character design#ignore that this draft is almost three weeks old just don’t even worry abt it#life is. hahahaahaha. so much rn my summer has been Dog and Constant Stress and art is just. not able to be a priority rn#so ofc I have many ideas :’) someday im gonna be able to do things just bc i feel like it for more than five minutes again. someday#i do have like 4? i think? finished pcs of Bear Art from the past few months that i might post for fbw let me know if you want that perhaps#but that’s not for another month or two I think? i should know that im sorry brooks falls bearcam i have failed :(#there’s some stuff in the drafts i forgot I didn’t post too actually#maybe I’ll get around to that with my. very minimal free time the next couple of days (<- probably won’t)#on that note#if you commissioned something from me and I haven’t posted it pls don’t be sad i am simply attempting to survive the summer#my brain is not good in hot weather under the best of circumstances and this has not been those#I Do plan to post them they just take more brain than like. this quick silly doodle for myself to draft out#i know ppl probably are not worried i am simply. afraid.#anyways. look a creature
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Good thing I'm not.
So it's probably bad that I still wish for it anyway, right?
#the dragon sings his songs#blowing out smoke#just otherkin things lolllllllll#my friend's @redacted for his privacy but he also knows who he is so if you catch me heheeeeee..#is it so wrong to want to feel cared for? it's my fault that no one reaches out unless I say something first and I never say anything until—#—I'm starting to worry for my own safety but genuinely when is an acceptable time to say anything#like 'hey guys i know everything seems great right now but I don't feel loved enough so say you care about me'#like what the fuck. who would i think i am. my friends have actual problems and I'm sad because I'm single? get fucking real#i functioned better as a literal baby than i do now and everything's breaking down because i'm ~lonely~ and ~tired~ and i ~need a hug~ and—#—my teacher is ~mean~ to me. grown-ass 21-year-old breaking down in tears over preschool-level problems. get fucked.#if i could survive being left three floors away from my mother for hours with no milk before i was even cognizant i should be able to shrug—#—this shit off with no issue but here I fucking am.
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proofreading chapter 2 and its CHUNKY, i'll whack the link here when it's up: yippee (LOOK AT THE CHAPTER NOTE, DEAR GOD IM NOT JOKING)
#rangnar rambles#i really dont feel like. that crazy. but this chapter is 15k sooo there must be Something wrong with me#struck yet again by 'theres no way like 12 different scenes coould ever be Long' disease#again please read the chapter note at the beginning#i bring a very yippee heres the link vibe to my actually slightly harrowing chapter that um actually i worry about#'am i overwarning for this' uhh probably.#alas i do not want people to wander in blind on this one
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so in juniper's campaign we've just found ourselves in a high-stakes situation that I as a player do frankly find stressful and am anxious about, but hey hi also the DM was like 'okay here are the exact mechanics of how this is going to work because I don't want to surprise you with serious repercussions, also here are all the options you will have to try to do something about the situation-- [affected player] what do you think? honest feedback, I don't want it to feel unfair, I want to be clear that I am not just trying to kill your character, and if it ends up being badly balanced we can revisit it down the road' and oh my god I could COLLAPSE and WEEP with gratitude
#[tears in my fucking eyes] WHAT IF DND WAS GOOD!! WHAT IF A DM THAT'S GOOD!!!#LIKE I've said actually MOST of my DMs are good but because of the way this situation was presented specifically#where-- as NOT the affected player-- it does feel like the way it came up was a little unfair and I AM worried about the stakes--#I REALLY SPENT SO MUCH OF THAT ABOVE-TABLE TALK GOING OH WOW I FEEL LIKE OUR FRIEND ACTUALLY LOVES US AND WANTS THIS TO BE FUN!!#I DON'T KNOW THAT I AGREE WITH WHAT HE'S DOING HERE BUT I TRUST MY FRIEND AND IT'S SAFE FOR US TO TALK ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS PLAYER TO DM!!#WOWIE THAT FEELS RELEVANT TO MY DND EXPERIENCE RIGHT NOW LMAO!!!#'I've looked at your stats and inventories to try to make this serious but balanced but if it doesn't work we can retool it'#'I want to be extremely clear that this situation could kill destal so I want to be extremely sure that you're comfortable with that--#-- and with how the mechanics are designed around it'#I am fucking. on my KNEES WEEPING. at the contrast with how punishing and DEEPLY unfun felix campaign has relentlessly been the whole time#and how little of a fuck it feels like THAT DM gives when he's like 'this random rolltable encounter was deadly :)'#'you guys didn't get hit last time and got all your spells back right?' uhhh wrong and wrong and we TALKED about that last time#are you gonna revisit the balance on your fifth in a row 'if you fail you'll TPK' scenario? no? yeah I figured lol#christ knows HE'S never invited feedback on his DMing. you KNOW I don't feel safe to say 'hey this doesn't feel fair or fun' with him#AND LIKE!! WITH A DM I TRUST I FEEL SAFE ENOUGH TO REALLY PLAY WITH SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENING!! YAY YIPPEE STAKES AND PATHOS!!!#I don't just want nothing bad to happen ever! but I don't want it to feel careless or heartless or just... Not Fun#anyway. grasping william's hands so tightly. my beloved friend. my wonderful friend. what a relief to have a DM that's good#after the shit we've been through in our now most-frequently-run campaign#the thing I'm mad about is that destal has been making a mystery saving throw every night-- but this was imperceptible to the characters#so we weren't acting on it#and now that he's failed it three times the situation is 'okay NOW you will be maming a con save every night and accumulating exhaustion'#'which can't be removed by sleeping' [six levels of exhaustion Kill You]#so like!! well okay I wish we had had ANY way of knowing how urgent this was before we got to 'now there's a deadly countdown' BUT OKAY#but like I said. he clearly put a lot of thought into the math for the mechanics#he made sure that we DO actually have ANYTHING we can do to mitigate the condition and outlined several options specifically and clearly#he checked in with justin about whether that seemed fair and opened it for future retooling if necessary#so I'm just at 'that was kind of a rugpull dude :/' instead of DESPAIRING lmao#this is a level of Oh Shit that's juicy! this is a level of Oh Shit that might force dramatic character choices out of desperation!#THIS IS AN OH SHIT WHERE WE STILL GET TO PLAY DND ABOUT IT AND HAVE ANY AGENCY WHATSOEVER. WHAT A CONCEPT.#ANYWAY!!! GOOD DND SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!
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concept: astarion getting cocky after taking on that bear, a night or so later coming across a deer and thinking 'hah, this should be cake!'
...and then getting absolutely wrecked by a whole herd in an almost cartoonish display of violence because deer are vicious fucks and it's the prey animals you have to watch out for
#astarion#i'm basing this off science i read here so i'm probably wrong#but i also dont care enough to do research and confirm either way because#it would be fucking hilarious to me#bc larger predaror animals are lazy fucks anyway right? unless theyre hunting or whatever#astarion gets the drop on a sleeping bear. maybe the bear wakes up#gets a few swipes in -- which is where astarion's mentioned bloodloss comes in#but ultimately astarion comes out on top#and is like 'fuck i am so good at this hunting thing'#which.....he's spent 200 years stalking the streets of a city doing a completely different type of hunting#certainly he'd have to have stealth down and know how to defend himself in case something goes wrong#but hunting animals is a bit of a different ballgame isnt it?#so he gets lucky. and then gets cocky#and he probably doesnt know about deer. yknow?#or maybe he would but that's not funny#so some night later. aw. a fawn!#fuckin bambi should be easy pickings#so he's about to take a bite when... idk. would it be funnier if he just gets gored by an antler or like...#hears a rustling. here comes another deer staring him down#he waves the deer away like 'don't worry. i'm sure i'll have room for your blood as well'#and then the deer hisses at him and charges him and he has a moment of realization that#He Has Fucked Up#more deer join the fray. he barely escapes with his unlife.#at camp the next day it's clear he's been in a scuffle#he lies and claims he barely escaped like a gnoll attack or something#does anyone believe him? i dont know#somebody uses the tadpole to see the deer massacre#those who dont know laugh at him. those that do....#'dude. you can't just fuck with deer'#and they all have a laugh about it later
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Not my cat flirting with every pet sitters I get him during my vacations lmao
#misc#this year it's a man#i was lowkey worried cause my cat don't know many men#(idk if they even can tell the difference tbh lmfao)#but this hoe of a cat smelled him and immediately targeted his legs#sometimes i wonder if he wouldn't cheat on me with another human if he had a chance dusjsjjejz#anyway the guy is a young man and as someone who struggled when i was younger#i feel like doing a good action paying someone to do a cool job#(i mean cleaning the litter is not exactly a fun job but getting paid to pet a cat is)#also i met him through my physio who knows everyone#because last year i chose a pet sitter through a pet sitting website#but it was hella expensive#and it's basically a scam cause i paid something like 150€ but only 50€ was for the pet sitter the other was for that shit website#fuck start-ups#anyway i decided to do it the old fashioned way#through social relationships#but i struggled cause i have not social relationships???#except for coworkers#but I don't want coworkers to go to my home#that's an absolute no#it'd be a violation plus i am ashamed of my home and shit#so i prefer someone I don't know at all#so if i get judged it has no consequences#(yes i have trust issues)#so i had to actually gather my courage and ask my physio if she knew someone because she works with lot of young adults and teens#and turns out the mom of the man was here and she said she'll ask him#can't go wrong with someone vetted by hus own mother lol#anyway he said cats are his favourite pets so we're good#Loki definitely sensed that he can plays him like fiddle
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Me when we don't speak anymore by bears in trees
#lizzierants#had a sudden unplanned job interview today. i wanted to cry the whole time but managed to keep it together and now the anxiety has suddenly#caught up to me and it feels BAD the sudden thought of that what if my friends just dont actually like me and they like me purely because#theyre worried for what would become of me if they stopped being friends with me when purely of course id be fine eventually but i worry#that cause im on antidepressants people just think im automatically suicidal when something bad goes wrong which is not the case im doing#good i dont want to die but what if all my friends hate me what if this whole time i have loved them so so much and they just tolerate me#someday my friends will die and i had that i hate that someday we wont be friends even if its decades in the future i love all of them with#my heart that sometimes i feel it is overfilling i love them i love them and what am i without them i am everything i have ever loved i am#overthinking however i cannot stop this what if my own best friend is avoiding me? why am i thinking this? what evidence do i have to back#this up? nothing only for the fact my own brain feels as though i love people too much and they are uncomfortable with it i feel awful wtf#i have learned to keep my emotions from people because i dont want them to worry. i dont want people to do something or not do something bec#ause they think it will upset me i want people do do as they please i want to be open for my friends to share their issues i want to help#and im sitting here wirrying if they hate me so i turn here to shout in the void because the only person i know irl who follows me on here#most likely doesnt read these tags and if you are please ingore this i misjudged your terrible attention span also i love you very much#anyway a few weeks ago i realised my worst fear is no longer death. but the death of my friendship with my beloved friend. and thats fucking#terrifying prospect however if they were to be like yo i dont like you anymore id respect that decision and id be okay because their happine#is the most important thing to me and thats okay but i couldnt bare with the fact that they feel like they had to be ffiends with me because#they have to. i hate the prospect of them feeling trapped in a friendship theh dont want to be in. all the while i feel i cannot communicate#this to anyone because how would i go about it im very anxious i am shaking i am having a bad time very bad time actually im going to start#crying but its okay <3 crying is good for stress and health and its been a while since ive cried so maybe this will help me feel better <3#i will heal and ill be okay <3
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