#i would never dream of quitting but goddamn is it discouraging at times

[dark-eyes-under-the-golden-sky]

Enemies to lovers to enemies to lovers except it’s me and academia

[jinx-blackout-84]

Been trying to put a finger on why the Dream situation pisses me off and I think I figured it out.

I spent nights staring at my ceiling listening to change my clothes and dreaming about a future that I'm scared I'll never get to have. I watched every single one of his videos, read the fanfiction, sang the songs, knew the memes and jokes, couldn't look at a kettle or fork or the goddamn color green without thinking about him. And yeah, maybe it was weird, but I was TWELVE and he was the first person I had ever seen in media that was like me. That couldn't sit still, that talked weird, that just didn't quite fit in. I had a community when I was watching tiktoks about him and reading countless Tumblr posts about the dsmp lore.

It was covid and I was a kid and I was lonely and I needed so badly to have a place where I didn't have to watch the walls in my room seemed to get closer every moment.

I started having panic attacks when I went out in public, the people I was friends with started to realize I wasn't normal, that full body twitches and flappy hands weren't the typical reaction to a good song or too-bright lights. I was so lonely.

And then I found Dream's videos. And they helped me have a place where I wasn't alone in my room, feeling like a crazy person for my tics and my gender.

I cared so fucking much about this guy, trusted him with that naive trust that kids have that people are telling the truth, and then he turned out to be taking advantage of that in his fans.

It really fucking sucked to find out that my idol wasn't a good person.

And I had him on a pedestal, I thought he was perfect, I would have taken a bullet for him, alright? I cared so much because he was the only person I had ever seen who was like me.

It wasn't normal. It wasn't just me being a normal fan. I was a stan, was a parasocial fan, whatever you want to call it.

Burt he didn't do anything to stop thousands of kids just like me from being parasocial, in fact he encouraged it.

It just bothers me to think that the entire time he was telling us he cared, 12 year old me was just another viewer. Not because I was just another viewer, but because he lied to me and told me I wasn't. I am fine with just being a fan, but being told that I'm important and significant by someone who has no way of caring about me really sucked. It sucked because it really felt like he cared, but I was always just another view, another like, another subscriber, commenter, buyer. Just another consumer.

I was emotionally dependent on him and he did nothing to discourage that behavior from thousands of fans and it's disgusting because now he's taking advantage of those same fans, using them for money, flirting with MINORS that have been conditioned to care about him.

And now a huge portion of my childhood, a huge portion of the happiness I got from being part of his community, feels so gross and tainted and I will never get to have that again. I will never get to have back those days where I could watch his videos and listen to his songs.

And I fucking loved the songs.

I loved the music, music has always been a huge deal for me, and I loved it.

Now every time I hear those stupid songs I'm taken back to when I was twelve, picturing high school and thinking about my friends and all of the things twelve year olds care about. And I miss it, and I miss the stupid songs, because I can't hear them the same anymore and they should be special to me. They should be honey-dipped nostalgia and now they are gross and unsettling.

It fucking sucks to see him parade around and talk about how he deserve sympathy because he is autistic, however true that may be, because I am autistic, and it's not fun. It's not just being a little too blunt or developing a little slower. Those may be symptoms, but that's not what autism is. It's sobbing in the middle of the lunch hall as a year 8 because you have the wrong number or apple slices in your lunch. Autism isn't some excuse for behaving like a manchild, is is something that has fucked up so much for my life. And he uses it for sympathy points.

It sucks because I related so much to him and now that I know who he really is, I am left to wonder if I will be like him one day.

It took a big part of my childhood that I should be able to look back on with fondness and sort of ruined the memories.

It sucks because part of me will always care so goddamn much even if he's fucking terrible. Even if I would avoid him if I saw him in public. Even if i have him blocked on all social media. Even if i threw away every fanart i drew of him and the dream hoodie i bought with my own money. Part of me wishes he would redeem himself so I could love his songs again. Even if I really wish he would just lose his platform right now and never fucking speak again, I miss my childhood so damn much.

Kinda fucked me up to have something I cared so much about sort of destroyed in front of me just because a man that I thought could do no wrong was a shitty person.

Anyways, I hope he burns.

[regrettablewritings]

Modern!Jaskier x Reader Ship Meme

Prompts taken from this ship meme

Which one texts like a straight white boy?: Of course it would have to be our resident white boy. It isn’t even that he necessarily means to, there’s just an embarrassing amount of overlap between the messages a straight white boy tends to text, and those of your rising star boyfriend. You’d look more into it if it weren’t for the fact that you know there’s no actual malice in it, and because it’s just so sad that it’s funny. If one were to go into the photos saved on your phone, they would’ve surely come upon an entire album of screenshots you’d taken over the years, from when Jaskier would be on tour without you to when he’d just be resting at home while you were out at work. Things like: “Wat r u up to 2nit, cutie? ;)” “I’m probably just gonna play whatever’s on my Watch Later backlog on youtube until I conk out.” “Wild!!! anyway wat would u do if i was there rn~?” Or “Do u miss me? :(” “Of course I do ya dingus!” “Ok....Can we do a quickie over videochat?” “Jas i’m at the store.” “The point still stands.” Or “Watcha thinkin bout? ;)” “About how The Great Gatsby becoming public domain means there’s nothing stopping anyone from making a drag show interpretation called The Gay Dragsby.” “Aaww w/o me? ;)” “...” “WAIT NO I THOUGT YOU’D SAY YOU WERE THINKING ABOUT ME SHIT NO.” “BUT ACTUALLY DO GO ON IM KINDA INTERESTD.” If it were anybody else, you would’ve blocked them. But this wasn’t anybody else. It was your Jaskier: Your foolhardy, constantly horny, but never-short-of-loving Jaskier. And besides, not for nothing, at least they were something you could get a laugh out of.

Which one cried during a fucking Disney movie?: Once again, Jaskier is the guilty party. It’s no secret that he’s the more emotional of the two of you -- he wore his investment in Titanic with pride, after all. But it is a secret that the particular Disney movie to make him cry was Hercules of all things! Not Bambi, not The Lion King, not even Beauty and the Beast, but goddamn Hercules! (On another note, he also cried to Coco. But that barely counts: Literally everyone and their mother has cried during Coco. The only difference here was that Jaskier could relate to being a young man so in love with music while coming from a family that discouraged the pursuit of it.) This isn’t a knock on anyone who enjoys the movie, mind you, but let’s be honest: Out of the Disney animated canon, Hercules isn’t exactly the most . . . emotionally cathartic or heart-string-plucking of the bunch. But just because it didn’t go out of its way to create a crying frenzy doesn’t mean that it’s lacking in some humanity. It is, after all, still a Disney film. The problem is, Jaskier can’t even quite express why it made him cry the night you both decided to watch it. Maybe it had something to do with a young man most people took as a joke trying to achieve greatness? And to be fair, “Go the Distance (Reprise)” and “A Star is Born” differently when you’ve done some growing . . .

Who put a goddamned fork in the microwave?: It only happened once, but you’d never let him live it down. You like to joke that you’d left him to his own devices for just fifteen minutes so that you could take a shower -- of which was completely true -- and that was all he needed for things to go downhill. Nobody wants to think they’d be in the wrong for trusting a 20-something year-old to not be his usually somewhat distractable self. But that particular day, said 20-something year-old decided to occupy that little spot of time to himself with TV and a plate of leftovers. And normally this would’ve been fine and dandy. But normally, Jaskier would’ve just waited for the food to heat before searching for something to watch. It shouldn’t have been too big of an issue that it went the other way around that day, but apparently it was. As much as he wanted to (which honestly wasn’t by much), Jaskier just couldn’t tear his eyes away from the images flashing on the TV. The baby blues were set on the screen the entire while -- up until he heard a faint popping. Followed by a sound he normally only heard in a cheesy sci-fi movie. The problem was, he wasn’t watching anything even remotely science-fiction-y . . . All you were doing when you exited the bathroom was going to grab your lotion. That was literally all you had any expectations for. What you hadn’t expected to come upon was your boyfriend, hollering and diving over the sofa in order to scramble into the kitchen and stop that strange, not-good-sounding sound. Suffice to say, you had to put your shower on hold; it simply had to wait for you to finish fussing, then again for you to finish laughing your ass off. And again because if you entered the shower still laughing, you’d probably slip and break your head open and then Jaskier would have to deal with another possible emergency caused by himself.

Who does the silly hands-over-the-eyes “Guess who?” thing?: You can both be guilty of it, but Jaskier without a doubt does it more. Sometimes he’ll emerge from “his cave” (aka the little nook in the apartment where he likes to mess around and write lyrics or arrangements) on a break and catch an unsuspecting you sitting on the couch or at the dinner table. Other times, it could just be when he comes back from running some errands or doing a quick interview at the local radio station. You don’t mind it much . . . Especially since you can get a rise out of him by purposefully guessing the wrong person. (“Hmmm . . . Could it be . . . my mail-order husband? Boy, that was quick. And all the way from Russia, too . . .” “Uh, no.” “The milkman, finally accepting my invitation to commence a torrid love affair?” “Okay, you know damn well -- ” “Or better yet: My hopes and dreams have manifested, oh, Waluigi, could it really and truly be you!?” “What in the absolute fuck --”)

Who puts their cold hands/feet on their partner?: Because it’s usually himself who presents as being the more mischievous of the two, and because he tends to run the warmest, it always shocks Jaskier when you decide to play dirty and put your cold limbs all over him. Is it childish? Yes. But are his reactions to the sudden feeling of icy flesh hilarious? Also yes. You love to creep up on him when he’s tuning his guitar or scribbling down lyrics, or just minding his own damn business by trying to actually turn in relatively early for once. You love even more to watch him jolt and release the most high-pitched yip a man of his build could ever even joke about making. You’ll still be laughing about it as he scowls at you, cursing your “ghoul hands” and demanding to know if he’s dating a corpse at this point. Of course, no matter how peeved he might be, you can always count on one other thing from his dramatic reactions: Him huffily grabbing your hands into his own and rubbing them warm, or him forcing a park of fuzzy socks on your feet. And just for extra measure, you can be sure that he’ll spend the rest of the night holding you close or cuddling you -- “For exchanging bodily heat purposes,” he will always reason.

Who had that embarrassing reality TV marathon?: You both are guilty of it, actually. The question should really be, who is the least shameful about it. As with most things regarding a lack of shame, it was, of course, our dear Jaskier. Being a musician with a growing following, the little attention whore just can’t miss out on an opportunity to show himself off to his awaiting public. A rising star with relatability and a taste for trash? People eat that shit up! So you’ve learned to be less surprised every time he decides to liveblog himself watching things like Love Island or any of the 90-Day Fiancee spin-offs. In fact, in more recent times, you’ve come to join in with him, adding your own corresponding Tweets and commentary. Though don’t be too shocked once he starts holding polls and letting the public decide what show the two of you should watch next.

Who laughs more during sex?: You do, completely through Jaskier’s own efforts. Jaskier’s always had a pretty lax view of sex. This didn’t change when he met you, of course, but how he specifically portrayed that laxness did undergo some metamorphosis. Before, the entertainer was much more intent on his bedroom experiences being a display of power and an ability to please. Something dramatic and to be taken seriously. He still sees the importance of satisfaction in the bedroom, mind you, but with you, he can’t help but feel more . . . comfortable. With you, it’s a little more okay if he accidentally makes a dumb noise that in no way can be salvaged as sexy. With you, it’s a little more okay if he struggles to get his or your pants off, or if he struggles with removing your bra. And with you, he’s come to find that he’s a lot more okay with sharing a giggle or being a little more loose about things. It’s fine if your fingers tickle him or if he struggles to think of something proper dirty. But it’s even more fine if you think something he says or does makes you laugh, but not in a way that discredits his efforts. When you laugh, it shows that you’re comfortable with him. Comfortable enough to be with him, and be truly vulnerable. So do forgive him if he can’t help but run his fingers up your sides in a tickling fashion, or sloppily string together an innuendo. He simply loves how golden your laughter sounds, even in the throes of passion, intermingled with sweet whimpers and pleas of his name. How the heave of your chest and rippling of your tummy bumpily sync in with the rhythm of his thrusts . . . He just wants to see your smile, your genuine mirth, and bask in it with you. Besides, it serves as excellent song inspiration for him . . .

Who is the little spoon?: It depends on the sway of the day, really. As a whole, you both take turns without much thought simply because you tend to just fall into your positions. Some days, you just happen to lay into him in a way that makes you the little spoon. Other days, he conks out next to you in a manner that most could consider would make you the big spoon (or jet pack). Neither side really fights how it plays out unless one or the other may feel small and vulnerable, or just plain tired and in need of comfort. You often find yourself playing the role of the more dominating position during those first few days after Jaskier returning home from either a quick tour, or after finishing a long week of hours upon hours in the studio, or whatever kind of press-related nonsense his management team told him he needed to do. For as much as your boyfriend loved the spotlight, the truth was he was still quite capable of burning out and needing time to himself. Or, at the very least, just time with you. Even if that means he’s asleep for most of it, with you clinging to his back as he drifts off into a much-needed sleep. He makes sure to return it tenfold when you need just the same. Sure, your occupation may not be of the same nature as his own, but that didn’t mean you were in any less need of his cuddling. In fact, with him being gone as often as he was, Jaskier couldn’t help but feel almost guilty for not always being able to provide you with the basic comforts of being a constantly present boyfriend. Hence why the moment he would see your fatigued body crossing the threshold of your apartment, he would be all over you, ushering you into a quick shower, followed by a quick and simple dinner or snack, and capped off with him cuddling about you from behind. It didn’t matter if you’d come home right in the middle of a writing frenzy, or even if he’d been in the middle of searching for a breakthrough with an arrangement -- for as vain and bullheaded as Jaskier could be, he knew he owed you at least this much. You already put up with so much of his nonsense; this was quite literally the least he could do, both for you and for himself. Besides, he who was he to fight against the feeling of you wiggling closer into his hold, to deny himself the sound of your soft breathing as you lay yourself vulnerable to him? The fact of the matter is that he simply isn’t. He couldn’t be. Maybe in the beginning when things were still so unsteady and uncertain, but never now, when things had become so . . . well, what he could only describe as being “the both of you”. The both of you, molded and entwined, never wanting to let go. Never planning on it, either.

[lady-of-lyon]

Clownfish

Sixth grade,

Staring at the fish tank,

Watching that clownfish circle round and round

Not taking in a single sound

Coming out of your mouth -

And I don’t remember a goddamn thing

That you taught,

No math, no history

But I recall

All the discouraging words and angry thoughts

What did you think that you would accomplish

Yelling at a child for staring at a clownfish

All the art that you tore down

Thinking I couldn’t take in a single sound

That came out of your mouth?

Well thanks so much for the anxiety,

For all my life I’ve wasted thinking no one could ever like me

Thanks so much for telling me I won’t succeed

And for not giving me a single thing I need.

I know full well my classmates didn’t like me,

“Did you see her at the pool? She cried when we tried to drown a bee”

“She’s so weird.”

I could hear their whispers, see their stares

And go one living like I didn’t care

I guess I was living in denial

And now I live second guessing every smile

But hey, you were the one who told me what was true

When you told me “Mary, no one wants to work with you.”

And yeah, you didn’t name names in the end

But that doesn’t change that I only sometimes had just one friend.

So thanks again for the anxiety,

Thanks for making it clear you didn’t give one damn about me

Thanks for driving all my dreams into the ground

Saying don’t be a fool, don’t be a clown,

And I wish I could go back, I wish I could

Making everything be like it should

I wish I never took in a single sound

Of your screeching voice as I watched that clownfish circle round.

But thanks! Thanks for the anxiety,

Thanks for being as unsupportive as you possible could be

And when I had that meltdown on the phone

Thanks for screaming at me for calling my mom

Thanks for screaming at me for doing nothing wrong

And screaming at me for no reason at all,

Thanks for being the teacher who never taught us stuff

Except that we’d never be good enough

Thanks for isolating me and putting me away

I isolate myself to this day,

Thanks for giving me stress for all these years,

And telling me I’d be like van Gogh and cut off my own ears.

So I’m sorry that I had to quit

And sorry for being born attention deficit

Sorry for being so loud and absurd,

I’ll bet you were just so relieved when I transferred?

So thanks a million times for the anxiety,

Thanks for making it so hard for me to ever like me,

Thanks so much for what you put me through,

I get a little solace thinking, maybe, I took away some of your life too

Just watch that clownfish circle round

Just watch that clownfish circle round

Just watch that clownfish circle round

Don’t listen to a single sound

Just watch that clownfish circle round

Please watch that clownfish circle round

Just watch that clownfish circle round

Why oh why did you ever make a sound

Just watch that clownfish circle round

Just watch that clownfish circle round

Just watch that clownfish circle round

Just watch that clownfish circle round

[alemeino-blog]

You Are My Sunshine

Characters: Underfell Papyrus, Underfell Sans(slightly).

____________________________________________________________

Papyrus may not show it, but he was capable of love. Not LOVE, but that forbidden regular love. The one that people used against you. Which was why he was cold. Why he was so intimidating, strived to be. Why he acted so cold, towards him.

You are my sunshine

His brother was everything to him. Even if he acted coldest with him, treated him as if he was worth nothing, even if he hurt him. Hell how it hurt him more than anything, but he couldn't help it. His stupid high LV always got the best of him. But hey Sans was a pain in the ass, always cocky and getting into fights. Falling asleep at his station even! He rarely did but hell was he so damn lazy all the time! Going to that grease hole and hanging out with all those dangerous drunks. Especially that fucking bartender.

My only sunshine

Which was why he tried his best to reform and protect his brother. All it would take is one hit, regardless of how high his love was. Just one hit with the intent strong enough. One hit, for his brother, the only family he has, to be nothing more than dust. He wouldn't dare think of it, knowing it would cause his stone face to crack.

You make me happy, when skies are grey

Whenever he had a horrible day, his nuisance of a brother always made sure to make it worse. Always telling those painful puns, his grin seeming to grow at his frustration. But at least he was alive, at least he was still here, laughing and being an asshole and not some Execution Points added to some monster. And that thought was always enough to lighten his mood.

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

He never said anything though. He never told Sans how much he meant to him. How he always prayed to come home and hear his snarky ass comments. How it pained him when their arguments turned violent. Instead he stayed silent, hid behind his charade, just to protect his brother. He feared that if Sans were to know, his brother might say something at the wrong time or worse, monsters could find out the change in attiude and use Sans against him. The very thought kept him awake some nights, the skeleton fighting the urge to check on him. He always had a fear that they could be under surveillance, and the act of him checking on Sans would be seen as a sign of caring. So, he stayed awake until sleep took over him, prays the only comfort that brought it.

Please don't take, my sunshine away

How he despise them all. Hated whenever those vile creatures even thought of sending a glare to his brother. He knew what they thought, knew how they saw him as free EXP just standing around. But all he could do was suffer in his internal anger. Any signs of disturbance would be a dead give away. And they were only glares, but if it came down to contact, Papyrus wouldn't hold back. Not like he would let whoever hurt his brother live anyways.

I'll always love you

And make you happy

Sometimes when he wasn't worrying, when he was peaceful dreaming, he would dream. He would dream of a place without all this cruelty, of a world where they could be brothers, actual brothers. Not whatever they were. Oh how would Papyrus praise and thank Sans for all the hard work he did in raising him, in making sure he had been happy and had everything he would ask for. And how he would apologise for returning that with his cold treatment, for letting his LV get the best of him, and explain the reason why. While Sans was a pain in the ass 99% of the time, he was still his brother, his only family left. He may not show it, but that bastard was the most important thing in this fucked up world to him.

Cuz you are my sunshine

my only sunshine

Why couldn't he just show his brother love without fearing of the danger? Why did he have to push away his only family, he only damn person that had ever given shit about him. It was those rare times Papyrus hated his title, hated how because of that he had enemies. Enemies who wanted to murder him, take him of his imaginary throne, by any means possible. Yet simoutageously, that title was what brought fear to monsters who even muttered his name. It was due to that title, that he was able to strike terror, was able to have an advantage in protecting Sans. Even if he couldn't show he affection, his status was enough to keep prowling enemies discouraged. As long as Sans was safe, as long as he knew his brother wasn't n danger, Papyrus would feel and be okay.

You make me happy, when skies are grey

Papyrus woke up in a rather sour mood, the events of last night taking its toll on him. After getting prepared he went to his Sans' door, knowing his lazy ass brother was still in bed, yet to be prepared.

"SANS YOU LAZY BONES WAKE UP!," he yelled, banging on the wooden door which rattled from previous beatings. He heard a grumble, barely able to make out the words. Not in the mood for his brother's nonsense he slammed the door open, it screeking in relief as it fell off its hinges. Sure enough his brother was laying on his bed, face down against the mattress. As much joy as it brought him to just see the bastard alive, he couldn't let it slide. Not now, not ever.

"SANS WAKE UP YOU LAZY ASS YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE!," yelled Papyrus.

Sans groaned, turning to the side. "Eh what's da point. Not like some human gonna fall down tah this hell. Oh an' thanks fer destroying mah door once more."

His non-existent brows furrowed. 'why today out of all days Sans...,' he bitterly thought.

"Well maybe if you woke up when I intruct you to these accidents wouldn't happen," scoffs Papyrus, crossing his arms.

"Oh accidents?," said Sans sarcastically. "Oh Ah didn't know yet an' Undyne took yer trainin' lessons here at 6 in the goddamn morning."

Papyrus growled, patience growing thinner with every smart ass comment Sans made. Why did Sans have to be so fucking stubborn. "Sans... Just get ready..." he growls.

"Ey jus' sayin' ya ain't the one who has tah fix it," said Sans. "An' it ain't your room too so do me a favor an' quit yer tantrums."

Papyrus felt the anger in him rise the more that idiot talked. Why couldn't Sans just shut that mouth of his for once?!

"Quite eh, ya know I'm right," said Sans. "Second in Command and ya still act like a fucking two-"

slap!

Sans felt a bit backwards from the contact, Papyrus lowering his gaze at him to catch his brother rub his hand over the spot.

"Maybe that will teach you to show some respect around here," he said coldly. He saw his brother scamper for his jacket, scared for a minute and the next brushing it off as if it were nothing. After grumbling something he left to his station while Papyrus went to do his rounds, forgetting the events that had played out.

You'll never know dear, just how much I love you

He had heard reports of the human. How they had been killing everything in their path, showing no mercy to anyone, including those that wished not to fight. While it was quite normal, an alarm flared inside Papyrus' mind. Without thinking he ran to where his brother's station was, praying he was still alive and just asleep on the stand. Heck he wouldn't have mind if he found him at that grease trap, just that he was alive. Just that he was-

He came to a halt as his eyes trailed down. Dust was a normal sight in the Underground, it wasn't given much if a care. But there was one thing that made Papyrus want to break down there and then.

Sans' jacket lay on the snow, dust covering it along with drips of marrow. Papyrus didn't say anything, just picked it up, angrily muttering as he made his way back home.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

At one point he put it on, might as well give some use to it.

.

.

.

.

.

.

As soon home he locked the door.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

His legs felt weak, trembling as he let himself fall. Let himself...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

He hugged himself, hugging the jacket as he cried. Cried for failing to save him, cried for the fact that he was dead. Cried for the fact that their last moments were spent in violence and hatred! Why couldn't he have been better, why couldn't he have at least told him once how much he loved him, how much he cared. Instead he let the shell he made cover him more and more, shielding his brother from what he truly meant. And now.., he would never be able to say the words.

"S-,S-,Sans...," he whimpered.

Please don't take my sunshine away

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry for being such a terrible brother, I'm sorry for not being there for you, I'm sorry fo repaying everything you did with nothing but my cold treatment." He sobbed, pulling his knees closer as he hugged himself tighter, as if Sans as somehow there and he was barely holding on. He remembered that time his brother had come home, his right eye permanently damaged and bleeding but he still smiled, putting food on the table.

He remembered how he hugged him. How he embraced him. Now because of that human, he wouldn't be able to-do

That's when it snapped.

Instead of tears, his eyes shone with anger as his right eye flared with magic. He got up, still wearing the jacket as he slammed the door open. He would make them pay, make them pay for taking his brother, his light, his sunshine.

The wind swayed his scarf as the skeleton made his way to the Hall, flaring magic leaving a trail behind him.

Please don't take my sunshine away

____________________________________________________________

Don't got much to say. I just thought while listening to the song, "Yo Edge saying this would be damn fluffy"

So yeah that's how this was made. I hate people who hate Edge or say he only loves Red just for sex. He doesn't. Whether you see this as Fellcest or not Edge loves Red either way. So stop hating him, he's only trying to protect him.

[wheresmulder]

In my extensive experience there are quite a few racists in the Wheel of Time fandom. They're especially bad on reddit but they've made their way to Tumblr as well. Engaging with them is a fruitless endeavor unfortunately. They rarely ever admit to being wrong about anything. After spending years arguing with them I personally try to block them on sight these days. It's really sad but there are lots of good people too! I truly hope this guy doesn't discourage you from engaging with the fandom.

Oh ty but I'm not discouraged 🤣🤣🤣 not even close especially not by racism bc at this point the racists are losing sooooo bad rn like HOW DOES IT FEEL THAT HALF THE CAST ARE POC???? Bc for me? PARA MI? It Feels fucking PHENOMENAL 🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈 COULD NOT BE MORE PLEASED literally love to fucking see it and love even more to see ppl mad about it 💕💕💕💕💕

But in this situation they didn't say anything racist on my post, i just saw their top post was one lamenting that the show runners were picking black people for "white characters" (as if it fucking matters) bc oMg mUh bOoK dEsCriptiOnS but that was totally unrelated to my post

No this bitch just rly thought they told me some shit I never thought abt before 🤣🤣🤣 like omg I never would have considered that moiraine might use rand 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 and he might not be comfy telling her shit 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 like im not sitting here reading the fucking books myself and couldn't draw that fucking conclusion that has been beat over my head by every book so far in the series (I'm on book 4 thats a couple thousand pages of rand not trusting moiraine) like goddamn man, you don't say, this is brand new information 🤣🤣🤣🤣 tysm 4 your insight 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 yeaaaaaah no that shit is so insufferable. And on a shitpost I made in 30 seconds. It ain't that fucking deep and I Definitely didn't ask. AND DID NOT ASK FOR THAT SPOILER THEY HAD TO SLIP IN THERE🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 TYSM

It literally kills me that the mf didn't even know wtf my post was about 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 EGWENE HAVING A DREAM ABOUT MAT LOOKING HER DEAD IN HER FACE AND SAYING HEY HO IMA COME FIND YOU and her being like damn what a weird thing to dream about well anyway,,, only to find out that hm I guess mat rly was coming for me after all 🤣🤣🤣🤣 and also to a lesser extent perrin was trying to convince himself the wolf dreams weren't Significant bc he was in denial still.. But yeah rand is the only character in the books, my bad I forgot 😅

Maybe this guy is just salty that his 1k word dissertations get 10 notes and my 30 second no effort vagueblogging shitpost has ten times the notes??????.........???? idfk ????? Get a life???????

This was a nice message tho thank you and feel free to message me off anon whenever 💕 everyone I've talked to so far in the wot fandom is super nice and I'll be blocking that person as soon as I know they've read my response

[thedapperrabbit]

She-Ra Rewatch: season 3 and onwards through season 4, and boatloads of Introspection time!

So Ive been rewatching She-Ra with my partner, because sharing Entrapdak is caring. I could probably squee on about that for a century or more (because eeee, sharing things i love with people i love AND THEY EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO THE THINGS AND REMEMBER THEM!)...but ill spare you, kind internet strangers who for some reason find my thoughts mildly interesting enough to be reading this. This is going to be a lot. Like, a LOT. A lot especially from a stranger that youve probably only seen a notification from due to me sticking a heart on your content or for reblogging something lovely youve made in pictures or words. I dont think anything is going to be violently trigger-y because im not always great at judging that stuff and also ive yet to feel quite comfy enough to be  fully open-posting specifics about my own past trauma, other than a vague allusion to self-harm and distant-ish unspecified abuse aaaand the usual childhood garbage truck of assholes....but i suppose you could possibly draw some darker potential conclusions from the content im focused on. Also, my ADHD makes it incredibly hard to keep to a straight and non-branching narrative so...ramble-y bits and expressions of brain frustration ahoy. Either way...you are forewarned, just in case. Sorry in advance, this is going to be a small booklet by the time Im done explaining, and thinking, and then attempting to stick words to abstract feels which sometimes im great at, and then others i fucking suck at...but at least this is all written and not me trying to say this to any of your faces! Thats....a mercy all of its own. Haa...  Anyway, while rewatching with my partner, I realized just how much more painful parts of it are to sit through now...they were the first time, and each time since, but NOW having spent a while mulling over the series as a whole a bunch, and reading a lot of other peoples writings on here and finding myself largely in agreement with most Entrapdak fan’s assessment of things, I just....feel like all the air is ripped out of me during some moments, watching  with keener insight. And despite thinking i had myself reasonably well figured out by my age, its all also made me further consider a few things about myself as well. Particularly my notable internalized fury response to chunks of it which have been consistent through all my viewings of SPOP. With Hordak at least, its way easier to understand my reactions. For me at least. Maybe not so much for the people around me. And, shittier due to intensity and subject matter, but still easier in the long run because...the broken bits in me that he resonates with are fresher and sharper and still more recent, like within the last ten years, and thus more towards the front shelves in my head, compared to things that resonate with Entrapta, which are all old, lifelong dull aches at this point. I feel like nothing i can point to is fully sufficient to fully express my feels involving Hordak. But, maybe the best representative moment is with the crying i do every damn time I see his face looking up at Prime just after he glimmer and catra were beamed up...because ive seen that face in the mirror. I HAVE MADE THAT FACE. That same. Goddamn. Face. I may not have gotten a jab to the back of the neck directly from the person I made it at...but they often seemed to silently goad me to harm myself in an attempt to jolt my brain out of getting stuck in re-looping through what theyd just done/said to me. Likewise, much of his interactions with Entrapta are very...very weirdly familiar in feeling, but in a good way. Watching the stuff with Hordak hurts because fuck me if it isnt frequently like watching myself back in 2008ish to 2013, which was the duration of the worst parts of that particular circle of hell i parked my ass in. So...that makes sense. Hes so well written in those moments, it occasionally gave me PTSD flashbacks (still does a little, but now im prepared and braced for it and can shrug it back off....thanks, lifetime of therapy and years of studying abnormal psychology! Still totally not an expert, just very passionate...just, as a disclaimer).  Entrapta though...Entrapta is a different story. Mostly, I see Entrapta and in her free expressions of delight and joy and her bouncy enthusiasm I am reminded of a younger, less discouraged me in some ways, and in others, a “me” I could have been, but...well, extremely early-onset anxiety and depression made me insanely self-conscious super-super early on...not that i was great at hiding or...i guess the term people seem comfy with is “masking”? Which was a huge problem, or so it was in the 80s when far less was understood of such things. Id do so for a bit and then would forget to, in a way (because id forget long enough to go and trust again reflexively) and would get badly bullied and would squish everything down until id feel a crumb of safety again, and then almost instantly ADHD would pop that mask right the rest of the way off aaand it would start all over again. Ad nauseam until my teen years, where the depression sort of “fixed” that, and made it much easier to destroy my desire to share much of myself freely at all, save for with one or two people, and to a less deep extent a broader circle of nerd friends. Course, then i hit 30 and ran out of the majority of fucks I used to give. Or I became so damaged and salted with anger that parts of me dont grow any fucks anymore? Either way, plowshares to swords, WHEEEE!) And, maybe thats where this time while watching, I started to really think back to all that, and to how i see Entrapta treated by the other princesses, or really just in general except by Hordak...and why it burns my biscuits so badly. Every time I see someone roll their eyes at Entrapta’s beautiful unbridled enthusiasm or try to make it seem distasteful or at least weird and unwanted and uncomfortable for them but then dont even bother to try coming to terms with why they feel that way... or how they seem to feel free to grab and manhandle her without her consent, or the way they try to lessen her contributions because shes non-normative? Like its the fucking least she can do to make up for being weird in their space (...okay, that might just be the anger kicking in..but i dont feel like its an entirely innacurate assessment, is it?)  All of that...seeing it inflicted upon someone, It feels like someones punched me right in the damn sternum, but because its a hurt that im so desensitized to, it seems to have a much different effect than the sharp, violent crushing pain that i feel when I relate to Hordak a little too well for comfort. Again, i could go on, but its nothing more eloquent people on here havent already spoken volumes on. And my first gut reaction is always “I dont understand! why is that their reaction to her?! it doesnt seem logical at all, i dont seem to be able to parse it correctly, how is this acceptable? I HOPE SHE IMMOLATES YOU ALL.”. Which...I suppose isnt entirely usual for me (the silent wishing that people be immolated, I mean...i blame my past years of working in retail. And devouring too much Warhammer 40k contentl).  (oh gods...and this is going to be the most clusterfucky part cause i can feel my meds kicking in and thats gonna be hard to keep coherence on but i gotta get this all out of my head or ill forget it or get too scared of you fucking BRILLIANT insightful smart people on here and then ill continue to live scared and regretful that i never said..anything, and just sat here like “noticeme, entrapdak sempais!”  Ehhn...which is to say, if this is a garbage dump from here down, dont worry, when i wake up ill fix it...but hopefully itll at least make a tiny bit of sense ) But I realized something...something I hadnt ever rememberd much about due to the shitty neuronormative (apology if thats wrong term) behaviors continuing over years and years but in less and less directly aggressive ways as i grew older and was more prone to losing my shit in , (and likely because I got excessively lucky and managed through...uhhh...agonizing determination? Sheer stubbornness? Alleviatory rebalancing of universal karma? fuck if i know --to  curate a surprisingly supportive circle of other castoffs and misanthropes.) That was exactly how people used to treat me.  OKAY THISLL BE EDITED LATER to add in the rest of what i was gonna say...im...too full of Ambien sleep meds and damn write it anymore...and im aing trouble separating realigty and dream...an i k apawing at the kybord...not safe Lov yous for reading this far. Il fix it later, swears.

[thelankyrandman-blog]

Annotated Album-A-Day List:

Annotated Album-A-Day List:

Alphabetical Order: January - June 2017

So this is every album I listened to from January to the end of June. Every one has a quick opinion of mine. Let me know what you think of my thoughts if you know the albums or decide to check them out!! Happy listening!!

A:

Actress - AZD: A solid electronic album that messes with sound in some very interesting ways. Worth a listen but it hasn’t been pulling me back as much as I would have hoped.

America - America: Really enjoyable classic folk rock that most definitely was influential. They do a great job layering their tracks with percussion and a fleet of guitars. Donkey Jaw is probably my favorite track due to how hard it rocks out (for folk) at a few points. If you like folk, you’ll enjoy this album quite a bit.

Anderson .Paak - Malibu: Sweet Kraken!! This album is fantastic! It’s groovy, smooth, sexy and has some nice hip hop flavor to it. It gets a little long with some more fatty songs, but I can’t stop going back to it.

Angel Olsen - Half Way Home: Honestly, this isn’t my cup of tea. It’s just a bit too twangy for my taste. If you like country a lot, check it out.

Animal Collective - Marriweather Post Pavilion: This album is a wall of sound. There are no empty spaces in any song. If there was empty space at any point they popped in another synth layer, or another vocal track to fill the gap. This is what makes this album unique. It sounds like nothing else from that time where rock bands were going for more stripped down sounds with kitschy melodies played on xylophones while their acoustics shit out the same chords over and over. This showed that Animal Collective wasn't like the rest of the “indie” rock bands of the day.

The Avalanches - Since I Left You: What an incredible album! This is what electronic albums should use as a baseline and it’s influence has been seen since it released in 2000. This is a sample album, so every sound used on it is taken from something else. While that sounds like it may be a bit derivative or outright copying, it isn’t. They are able to create utterly new and unique sounds and songs that will no doubt blow you away. Also, this album has a near impeccable flow from track to track. A must listen.

B:

BADBADNOTGOOD - BBNG: This is a great jazz album with some hip hop influence. It’s even better if you’re into video games because of their covers of songs off of the Zelda soundtrack. Even if you are not familiar with those though, this album is worth your time. And I’m sick of Giant Steps too.

Beach House - Depression Cherry: If you like dream pop, this is the album for you. It’s spacey, catchy and clean. If you’re looking for variety though, go somewhere else. This is very much an album from a band who has found their sound and is sticking with it.

Blank Banshee - Mega: This is a weird album. It’s some good electronic music, but the songs started to blend together in my mind, and when it was over, I was surprised I had listened to an entire album.

Big L - Lifestylez ov da Poor & Dangerous: You can’t go wrong with Big L! His rhymes were incredible and his lyrics were nasty. It’s not often that you find more accessible horror core.

Big L - The Big Picture: Another solid album, but it has a little weirdness to it considering that it is a posthumous album. Big L will spit a verse then Jay Z will come on and finish up with a respectful rest in peace to the man of the hour. It feels incredibly odd, but weirdly special.

Bob Dylan - Empire Burlesque: Ooffa dooffa! This is a bad album. There is such a palpable lack of effort on this album that kills me when I listen to it. Dylan was just going track by track hitting the highs and lows that he knew would sell. It just feels like a lazy album that doesn’t even remotely stand out as a good one in his career. If you love Bob Dylan I’d say check it out to have more of an appreciation for his good stuff, but otherwise maybe skip this one.

Boogie Down Productions - Criminal Minded: Fucking classic masterpiece. Required listening. ’Nuff said.

C:

Capital STEEZ - AmeriKKKan Korruption: Man, this is such a solid record, it sucks so bad that STEEZ took his own life. His topics and flows feel good and his beats are that nice and comfortable Pro • Era style.

Carly Rae Jepsen - E•MO•TION: This album has no right to be as awesome as it is. I was expecting some pop drivel that I’ve heard since birth just regurgitated for the billionth time because producers know that it will make money, but Jepsen actually knocks it out of the park with an original pop album. My only gripe is the lack of lyrical variety, but it doesn’t drag the album down too much.

Chance the Rapper - 10 Day: Man, it’s crazy to think that a 17 year old Chance was able to put this together. It’s tight, it’s mean and god damn is it solid. With the ethos surrounding it I wasn’t expecting such a great mixtape, but man, does he deliver with it.

Chance the Rapper - Acid Rap: This is the best Chance mixtape in my opinion. With the exception of the extended period of silence in the first half, the album has a great pace peaking with Cocoa Butter Kisses. Chance finds his style here and never has it been as strong!

Chance the Rapper - Coloring Book: Coloring Book is great, don’t get me wrong, especially with songs like No Problem but this album drags. It hits about the halfway point and runs head first into a brick wall with some of the most skippable tracks that Chance has ever made.

Charles Mingus - Mingus Ah Um: I mean… It’s Mingus, obviously it’s amazing.

Childish Gambino - Because the Internet: I wanted to like this album so badly. I love Donald Glover in almost every other avenue, but as a rapper his style isn’t distinct enough, his lyrics can be half baked, and his sense of pacing is sorely lacking. This is another album that’s first half is stacked well, so when the second half comes in all you want to do is take a nap.

Childish Gambino - Awaken, My Love: Now this, this is where I think Glover should be going. This album is better than Because the Internet in every way. From song writing to the production, not to mention the more obvious fit of the new genre he decided to tackle. With the exception of California, every song is pretty solid.

Clarence Clarity - No Now: I literally can’t get enough of this album. It’s so weird and perfect. Clarence Clarity creates pop songs with somewhat familiar sounds and distorts them beyond a sane level. They sound like they were made in space and that’s what makes the album so compelling. Each time I listen I hear a new song in the track listing. Also, Cancer in the Water is such an incredibly powerful track!

Crosby, Stills & Nash - Crosby, Stills & Nash: Coming out in 1969 Crosby, Stills & Nash began their journey to become on of the best folk bands of all time. They basically created modern folk as we know it, so if you enjoy Fleet Foxes or Mumford and Sons then do yourself a favor and check out their stuff. It has an older style but it still has acoustic guitars and beautiful vocals.

Crywank - Tomorrow is Nearly Yesterday and Everyday is Stupid: I found this album incredibly randomly and wasn’t shocked or disappointed with it. It’s fine. It has some catchy tunes and deals with some heavier emotions like existential dread and depression, but unfortunately sometimes it just comes off as a little whiny.

D:

(Quick Danny Brown Note: I’m a huge Danny Brown fan, but he isn’t for everyone because of his unique sound, don’t be discouraged if you don’t like him)

Danny Brown - The Hybrid: If there has ever been an album that has shown potential, it’s The Hybrid. Danny Comes through with a great tape with his signature two styles of songs, the more party based ones, and the serious ones.

Danny Brown - XXX: Man. This album is good. Every song is good. Every. Fucking. One. Danny does this cool thing too where he changes hist style on the fly. The first half of the album is crazy. Danny raps about drugs women and partying while using his unique higher pitched vocals. Then the second half is a much more toned down serious sounding bunch of tracks that deal with more difficult topics. Instant classic.

Danny Brown - Old: Old is another strong album from Danny, but can get a little patchy at the very end. But man, I can’t stop listening to it. Dip stands out as one of the coolest sounding tracks that Danny’s put out.

Danny Brown - Atrocity Exhibition: Jeezers peezers, what a goddamn album!! This is one of Danny’s (I’m assuming there will be more) magnum opuses. This album gets weird. The production on the first track gives us the perfect tone for this record, that coincide with the lyrics that just tell us that something is off. And every other track works towards this idea. Ain’t it Funny feels like this massive cry for help and Really Doe is a perfect track talking about the problems in the rap game. This is another must listen.

Death Cab for Cutie - Transatlanticism: This album is fantastic. I’m not a huge Death Cab fan, partially due to a lack of knowledge of them and partially due to the singers voice, but this album is undeniably good. It his some raw emotions with perfectly crafted music to back it up. I will be coming back to this album again and again.

Death Cab for Cutie - Narrow Stairs: I Will Possess Your Heart is an awesome 8-minute track that feels anxious and perfectly repetitive, but this album drags. The pacing here is an issue. By the end of the album I was ready to bail and finally be done with it. There are some good tracks, but there are too many duds.

(Quick Death Grips Note: I’m also a huge Death Grips fan, they are incredibly aggressive and experimental hip hop, not for everyone but give them a shot, good to use as a gaming soundtrack for the first time you listen to them so your brain can get used to their sound)

Death Grips - Exmilitary: Death Grips sounds so incredibly different from any of their other albums on this mixtape, but that’s what makes it so compelling. Their unique use of sampling mixed with MC Ride’s classic shouting delivery packs a massive punch to your ears and gut. It’s abrasive, but you can’t help but jam along with it.

Death Grips - The Money Store: This album is probably perfect. I wouldn’t cut a single song from its 40-minute runtime that ends much much too short. This album is mandatory listening. It’s abrasive, catchy, disgusting and aggressive. It makes you want to scream out into the night with a big “fuck you!”

Death Grips - No Love Deep Web: Where could Death Grips go after the money store? Darker. This album looses any sense of light which makes it feel like Ride is forcing rocks into your ear canals, but these emotions feel right at home in Death Grips unique sound.

Death Grips - Government Plates: This album starts off incredibly strong, hitting a great stride with Birds. As it goes on it slowly looses its footing, and Ride’s vocals which makes for a slightly lackluster album. Yet, it still keeps me coming back for the first half and the last two tracks.

Death Grips - Fashion Week: There are some great instrumentals here, but I had two problems with it. First, it is hard to call it Death Grips without MC Ride screaming murderous lines into my head, and second the album has very little focus musically. It ends up being a bit long for it’s own good and misses a few great places to end in favor of an incredibly abrupt ending.

Death Grips - The Powers That B: This two parter is interesting. Most critics prefer the second half like I do, but I still enjoyed the first part quite a bit. But man, Jenny Death (disc 2) ends up blasting Ni**as on the Moon out of the water with it’s punk rock influences, something that they would later touch more on in Bottomless Pit.

Death Grips - Interview 2016 EP: This is a strong instrumental album that is a perfect length. It feels less criminal in its exclusion of MC Ride than Fashion Week does, but I could always use more Ride.

Death Grips - Bottomless Pit: Shit, this album is nasty! Like really nasty and makes for such a strong Death Grips album. The beats are disgusting, the samples are depraved and the lyrics shouldn’t even be allowed they’re so gross, and that’s why I love it.

Denzel Curry - Nostalgic 64: It’s amazing that this was Curry’s first mixtape because it sounds like he’s been in the game a long time. He has style and his flow is tight. He knows when to get emotion and delivers a powerful song discussing the  difficult topic of police violence.

Denzel Curry - Imperial: Another solid record with great pacing. Slowly Curry is growing into one of the greats of this generation of rap and I’m happy to be on board now while he’s still on his way up. He’s got some great anger and intensity that I haven’t heard since like Young Pappy.

E:

Earl Sweatshirt - Earl: Earl comes out swinging for the fences, or for peoples faces. This mixtape is short, sweet and vicious. His lyrics range from poetic to downright disgusting. He shows off his skills and a little influence from the Odd Future crowd.

Earl Sweatshirt - Doris: Doris is incredibly solid. Every track is great instrumentally and lyrically. Features from Frank and Tyler propel this album into being a good album, but it’s Earl’s wordplay and unique flow that make it great.

Earl Sweatshirt - I Don't Like Shit, I Don't Go Outside: This is such an unpopular opinion, but this is my favorite Earl record (even Siri likes Doris more). Earl is introvert, anxious, anti-social and distrusting, which speaks to me very clearly. Each song is brimming with emotions that hide just beneath this tough guy facade, briefly showing their faces from time to time. Grief and DNA are the two best tracks as they paint such gnarly pictures.

Elucid - Valley of Grace: Wowzers bowzers, this is awesome. This is so awesome. It’s short as hell, but it comes in throws some great tracks and socially conscious lyrics at you then gets out. There is no fat on this, if anything I want more, but this is already the most experimental hip hop album I’ve heard in a while. He messes with industrial sounds, messes with mixing so that he is sometimes overshadowed by the music, messes with samples and messes with you. Listen to this, it’s half an hour so if you somehow don’t like it, it’ll be over soon.

Eric Clapton - Eric Clapton: This is a great album by Clapton that feels very much like a debut record. It’s not as catchy as Slowhand but still manages to entertain you. Worth a listen but I’m not going to be returning to this particular record month after month.

Everything Everything - Get to Heaven: It’s fine. The first few tracks are great, the last track is great. The middle is long and tough to get through, and the extended version just throws on songs that were rightfully cut from the regular studio version.

F:

Father John Misty - Fear Fun: Father John Misty makes a great first album apart from Fleet Foxes that immediately sets him apart from their sound. His humorous and cynical lyrics help to make the album standout as musically it isn’t anything you haven’t heard before.

Father John Misty - I Love You, Honeybear: Man, Father John Misty makes a solid album from front to back here. It’s funny, it’s awkward, its pretty and it’s a little nasty. Father John Misty found a style that mixes modern lyrics that are cynical and jaded with this happy sounding almost 50’s-esque rock that just inherently happy. The music and lyrics kind of oppose each other which makes this amazing disconnect that shows Father John Misty’s discontent with the current state of things. This is a must listen.

Father John Misty - Pure Comedy: This album is black comedy. Make no mistake, it is funny, but it is also depressing. The best way I can describe this album is that it’s like getting punched in the balls then riding a ferris wheel. You know it’s magical and beautiful, but it fucking hurts.

Feist - Let It Die: Mushaboom is so god damn catchy and sweet. There are some amazing songs on here, and then some that are… less amazing. Some can be a bit boring or just kinda iffy. Worth a listen though, it has a nice unique pop sound to it that is nice and soothing.

Fleet Foxes - Sun Giant EP: This EP feels very much in the same universe as Fleet Foxes first studio album which makes sense that they often package them together. It feels like a continuation of a fantastic album.

Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes: Talk about a strong album, this is pretty much perfect from the first second to the last. White Winter Hymnal is a great indie rock track that most people should know, but that may be the most underwhelming song on the album, which is saying a ton!

Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues: This sophomore record does not suffer from a slump, in fact it’s right on par with their first album. It hits hard and beautifully with some of their most beautiful and odd tracks to date.

(UPDATE) The more I listen to this album the more I love it. And dare I say that it may be a perfect album. Its just so beautiful, so romantic, and just so goddamn perfect.

Fleet Foxes - Crack-Up: Crack-Up is weirdly dark for Fleet Foxes. There are some emotions that they are dealing with here that they haven’t had to deal with before. Isolation and alienation are common themes on this due to Robin Pecknold’s isolation from the band prior to the recording of this record. They also get more experimental. Their quiet moments are dead silent while their crescendos are blaring. I will be coming back to this album throughout life.

Flying Lotus - 1984: I wanted to like this album, but I found it to be a little repetitive and I couldn’t quite tell each song apart. It’s just a bit too focused for me and I was hoping for more of an array.

Flying Lotus - Cosmogramma: This is the one though, the sounds are weird and fresh and feel full of energy. FlyLo pops out a record that will be remembered in the electronic community for years to come.

Frank Ocean - Nostalgia, Ultra: Man, I wanted to like this mixtape a lot. It had great reviews, Frank’s voice and songwriting are usually top notch, but this one just didn’t do it for me. What bothered me was a lack of catchy tunes, too many filler tracks, and some pretty lazy sampling that actually resulted in a (probably unwarranted) lawsuit from the Eagles. This mixtape showed potential, but that was about it.

Frank Ocean - channel Orange: I really like this album. The first time I head it, it blew me away. Frank’s songs are catchy and his emotions run high through his lyrics. It’s a must listen, but what I will say is that after hearing Blonde, I think it has aged weirdly. This album has a loose concept that doesn't always work and not every song is perfect. His big focus of the album, Pyramids is basically two songs just jammed together with one being honestly kind of obnoxious while the other is incredible. It’s a great album but his next is better.

Frank Ocean - Blonde: Some prefer channel Orange to Blonde, but I’m not sure why, or how for that matter. It is less catchy, there are some weird flaws to the album, but it’s a much better album because of it’s emotional impact and the way in which it all comes together at the end of the album to make one of the strongest R&B albums out there. There are catchy songs like Solo and Nikes, if you don't mind the pitched vocals, then there are more subtle tracks that have palpable energy like Skyline To, a song about the every accelerating passage of time. You can literally feel the song, the day, week, months slipping away from Frank on this track. It’s amazing. And the ending track gets me so good every time.

Freddie Gibbs - Shadow of a Doubt: This is a great hip hop album that makes you feel cool. It’s drug dealing talk isn’t always glamorous, but Gibbs’ always lets it slide off his back. Also, any track with Dana Williams is bound to be incredible.

Freddie Gibbs - You Only Live 2wice: Short, bitter, redemption. YOL2 is nothing new, but it was a necessary album before we get anything new sounding from Gibbs. He’s been through a lot, and he lets us know in full detail. He’s happy to be home, but he is definietely a changed person.

Freddie Gibbs & Madlib - Piñata: This is probably as close as we are going to get to a followup to Madvillainy, and that is okay because this album is fiyah! The two complement each others styles nicely and are able to push out fantastic beats and rhymes together that outshine most acts out there today. Not even remotely as good as Madvillainy, but it’s a worthy successor.

G:

Ghost Ship Octavius - Ghost Ship Octavius: If you like metal, especially classic metal, you’ll love it. These guys blast out songs with blaring guitars that shoot up scales faster than I knew hands could move. The singer holds these notes that force your index and pinky fingers up while sending your middle and ring fingers up. It’s nothing too new, but it’s great classical metal.

Godspeed You! Black Emperor - Life Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas to Heaven: I don’t want to say much about this album because of what it means to me, but it is a must listen. It’s simply remarkable that humans made something this beautiful. I’m not too proud to say that this one made me cry.

Grizzly Bear - Horn of Plenty: Man, this album is lonely, but beautiful and ends on one of the most emotionally resonant songs you can listen. Check out the comments for the song ‘This Song’ on Youtube, people can’t help but get nostalgic with the track.

Grizzly Bear - Yellow House: Every song is a 3-D space. It sounds almost like the whole thing was recorded in a vast valley where sound was able to travel on its own time to the microphones. Each guitar, trumpet, violin and bass sounds perfectly orchestrated, yet utterly spontaneous. It’s beautiful and near perfect.

Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest: Grizzly Bear went a slightly different route here and made their songs a little less 3-D. Instead they feel tighter. The band feels like they know each note upcoming note from whoever is placed next to them. The songs are a bit catchier too, Two Weeks being a beautiful indie pop rock darling used in plenty of soundtracks over the years.

H:

Harry Styles - Harry Styles: I wasn’t expecting much from this album which made for a nice surprise, it’s not half bad. Problem is that it sounds incredibly dated and it came out a few weeks ago. The songs feel recycled from either some band in the sixties and seventies or Wolfmother, who would do it much better. His vocals are fantastic and clean, but that almost doesn’t work with the nature of the music. It almost sounds like it needs some more grit to it to be able to stand a chance.

I:

Ice Cube - AmeriKKKa’s Most Wanted: A classic. Ice Cube is a wordsmith, his rhymes are deadly and so is his attitude. It’s worth every second it takes to listen to the whole thing.

Ice Cube - Death Certificate: Another strong album that ends on the most brutal diss track I’ve ever heard. No Vaseline was so brutal that Ice Cube and Dre still haven’t talked about it to this day! That’s pretty fucking awesome!

Isaiah Rashad - Cilvia Demo EP: It’s weird, this album starts similar to how Rashad’s next album feels, with much more laid-back tracks you can vibe to. Right towards the end though, Rashad picks up the intensity and drives it a bit. It works for him and the album has a really cool ending to it.

Isaiah Rashad - The Sun’s Tirade: Great if you like music that vibes a bit. It’s not gonna blow your socks off with energy, but it’s a great record that tackles tough emotions and drug abuse. Rashad is someone to watch in the future, if he can pop albums out in time.

J:

J Dilla - Donuts: Beats baby, beats!! Holy god, this is an amazing instrumental album that you can just feel the influence on. J. Dilla was on another playing field and this album shows just that.

(Quick J.Cole Note: I’m not a big J.Cole fan, nor have I ever been at any point, keep that in mind, if you like him keep liking him)

J. Cole - 2014 Forest Hills Drive: J. Cole is sort of an enigma to me, people love him and swear that he is rap royalty on the same level with Kendrick and Kanye, but he clearly isn’t. His production is good, yet lacks a certain dimension that others are able to attain. His lyrics, while slightly conscious, lack focus and self-awareness. And his albums in total feel jumbled and messy. This album is worth a listen, and sure has some catchy tunes, but will not go down in rap history as a classic. Also, Wet Dreamz is the most predictable song I have ever heard.

J. Cole - 4 Your Eyes Only: I enjoyed this album a bit more than 2014 Forest Hills Drive, which seems to be the opposite of most people. It has a more nineties sound, it’s a bit darker, but overall much more focused. With the exception of Neighbors, which comes out of absolutely nowhere, the album feels like a cohesive idea. Again though, this album just isn’t as good as it should be for the sales and praise that it gets.

Joey Bada$$ - 1999: How the hell was Joey 17 when this came out? This album is a solid 90’s throwback album with some great flows and rhymes. It’s not particularly conscious or aware, but as a debut mixtape, there are few that compare to it’s quality.

Joey Bada$$ - B4.Da.$$: I enjoyed this album a lot, but it feels almost like a continuation of 1999 and maybe comes off a bit better if it is listened to directly after 1999. It has a really similar 90’s hip hop sound, similar lyrical style and delivering. Great tracks, but not too different.

Joey Bada$$ - All-AmeriKKKan Badass: This is where Joey really changed things up a bit. Joey put out a fantastic record that will be on year ending lists. With this one he took a slightly more modern sound to his beats. His lyrics, if you can’t tell by the albums title, are much more politically charged. People have complained about the album being a bit jumbled and unfocused, but too me it felt right due to the amount of problems that we face today.

John Coltrane - A Love Supreme: Sweet Jesus!! This is that shit. This is a must listen album for every person alive.

Joni Mitchell - Ladies of the Canyon: Joni Mitchell writes poetry, then songs. This usually works incredibly well, but every once in a while it can make her songs feel like they have too little structure. This happens a few times on this record and it makes it a little hard to follow. When it does work though, which is most of the time, it’s beautiful music.

Joni Mitchell - Blue: Dimbo wimbo, this album is probably perfect. There are few records that are as beautiful as this one. Joni Mitchell takes poetry and turns it into music to incredible, INCREDIBLE results. A Case of You may be the most beautiful breakup song ever written, and the palpable sadness in The Last Time I Saw Richard is sure to get you to choke up a bit. Perfect on nearly all fronts. If you like folk, look no further.

Joni Mitchell - Court and Spark: Another nearly perfect album. More beautiful lyrics, more beautiful singing from Joni. My only problem with the album is it’s final track. The album feels very focused with a particular sound, and right at the very end she throws it out the window for a jazzy cover of Twisted that isn’t necessarily bad, it just doesn’t fit. Other than that, it’s pretty fan-fucking-tastic!!

K:

Ka - The Knight’s Gambit: Listen to this more than once. The first time you listen to it, it will feel kind of one track minded and slow. The production on each song feels a little similar, and so does Ka’s delivery. It’s his lyrics though that make his albums so astounding. Take some time to listen to his poetry in the music.

Ka - Honor Killed the Samurai: This album is similar to The Knight’s Gambit in the fact that it’s dense and requires more than one listen. If you like Ka you will like this album, if you don’t like Ka, it’s pretty similar sonically to his previous record.

Kamasi Washington - The Epic: Wow. This album brings something new to jazz, an genre that basically lives on retreading the past. This album feels fresh and like it could bring about a jazz revolution. It’s a bit of a beast though clocking it at around three hours, so take it slow when listening to it.

Karriem Riggins - Alone Together: Want fucking great beats that you can jam to? Check this one out, it’s easy to miss but should not be.

Kendrick Lamar - Section.80: These songs are all amazing, but have really meh hooks. Every hook just feels like it could have been thought out more and leave me a little disappointed every time. Yet, after every verse I’m thinking, or gasping, or wanting to listen again. This was telegraphing what would soon be some incredible albums.

Kendrick Lamar - Good Kid, m.A.A.d City: This is Kendrick’s first masterpiece. There are no bad songs. Every song is catchy, every song is thought provoking, and every song is rock solid. The track order is thought out and the tone of each song is perfectly crafted. With Kendrick’s focus comes conscious lyrics, or stories that paint pictures, or the hubris of a 16 year old growing up in one of the toughest towns in the world. This album is endlessly replayable.

Kendrick Lamar - To Pimp a Butterfly: This is Kendrick’s magnum opus. Kendrick mixes jazz, hip hop, politically charged anger, the frustrations of fame, and the fear of mortality into a living album that seems to show a new side to it on each listen. It’s depth almost can’t be understood on the first listen through. It’s dense, long and a little obtuse at times. But once the full picture comes together, you’ll notice the album’s perfection. Each song feels like it serves a purpose, each feature is utilized perfectly, and each word was picked with thought and precision. This is a must listen.

Kendrick Lamar - untitled unmastered.: Leave it to Kendrick to have golden b-sides. How is he so good? These incredible tracks were the throw aways from the same recording sessions as To Pimp A Butterfly. They share the same jazzy funky style, but showcase new ideas. Sometimes it makes sense that a song or two wasn’t on TPAB, but never are the songs bad. This collection could’ve been a studio album, but at least he decided to release them in some form rather than cast them out to deluxe editions of albums down the line.

Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.: How do you follow up one of the best albums of maybe the past twenty years? It seems like a weird task, and even Kendrick knew it. This album is a departure from his previous styles. It sounds more modern, more catchy, much darker. From the album cover to the grime laced track Lust, this album reeks of depression. Each song sends us further down this pit that Kendrick was finding himself in. That even goes for the songs that seemingly attempt to throw us off from that. Love, a summer jammy type song, feels off, a trait that I’ve never heard on a Kendrick album. While this isn’t Kendrick’s best album, it has some of his most aggressive and brutal tracks to date.

Killer Mike - R.A.P. Music: This is basically an RTJ album before RTJ. Killer Mike does a majority of the rapping while el-p does the production, and pops in on a few songs. There’s raw anger that the two bring to RTJ albums here and Killer Mike comes through with some astounding bars. This album is a great listen and a great precursor to the stuff they would later do together as RTJ.

L:

Local Natives - Gorilla Manor: The first half of the album sounds like your ex-girlfriend’s “indie rock” playlist that features only recycled sounds from all the other bands that were out there around 2010. The second half feels like it was thought about a bit more thoroughly. The songs flow a bit better, the sounds are at least a little more unique, but for the most part this album feels like a mediocre “indie pop rock” album.

The Long Winters - Putting the Days to Bed: This album I listened to because I had heard of it from one of the many podcasts I listen to (MBMBAM). I am kind of on the fence with this record. When it hits a high, like the track (It’s A) Departure, it nails it, but there is a lot of downtime where songs either leave you wanting more or something different. It’s worth a listen or two but that’s about it.

Lorde - Pure Heroine: This is pop music with some surprising depth. Lorde doesn’t go the same route that most pop artists go talking about their money and fame, or other topics that no one can relate to. In fact, she goes the opposite direction and tells us how bored of that she is. On Team she sings one of the most accurate examinations of pop music, “I’m kinda over getting told to throw my hands up in the air.” Lorde makes an anti-pop pop album that is pretty great.

Lorde - Melodrama: Golly gee, this one’s a gooden!! Lorde makes an angsty album that isn’t obnoxious or really that trite. She feels alienated, she doesn’t like being famous, and she feels like people use her, and she is able to share those ideas with us in 11 awesome songs that are all catchy and serve their purpose well on the album. She even gets a little experimental from time to time, which is where I hope she goes next, in between her radio hit type tracks. Definitely surprised me with how good it really is.

M:

Madvillain - Madvillainy: This is an absolute must listen. Madlib basically defines what good production is on this album. His beats are incredible backdrops for MF Doom to drop some of the smoothest rhymes and bars you’ll hear. I keep coming back to this album over and over again because of Madlib’s production. He absolutely destroys it with weird samples and risks that should never work. Who puts an accordion on a hip hop track? Fucking Madlib does.

Marvin Gaye - What's Going On?: Smooth, sexy and ahead of its time both sonically and in its subject matter. It’s a classic and required listening simply for how influential it has been the R&B as a genre. We would be nowhere without Marvin Gaye, absolutely nowhere!!

MF Doom - Mm.. Food: This album is so weird. It’s a concept album about food. MF Doom makes a whole album about food, and it is somehow legendary. He’s able to spin this concept about a billion different ways with his weird sample heavy production. Just listen to it, I really don’t know what to say about it other than it’s incredible.

Mick Jenkins - The Water[s]: It’s kinda weird thinking that a concept album about water could be as good as it is. Mick Jenkins has an awesome flow, mixed with beats that literally feel like they’ve been drowned. They have this weird spacey underwater feel that just makes the album come together as a whole. If you like vibes hip hop that is weirdly aggressive (yeah I know that’s a contradiction but that’s kind of an accurate explanation), then you will like The Water[s].

(Quick The Microphones Note: The Microphones and Mount Eerie are both projects from Phil Elverum, he just changed his name after four albums to Mount Eerie)

The Microphones - Don’t Wake Me Up: How was this his first album? How was he 21 when he made it? He, ladies and gentleman, is Phil Elverum. He writes folk with weird noise rock stuff in there and this album is awesome and shows incredible potential. I can’t get enough of him. Listen to his entire discography. You will not be disappointed.

The Microphones - It Was Hot, We Stayed in the Water: This is probably Phil’s first masterpiece. I don’t know anyone who uses sound in the same way. It’s lo-fi and grainy, he messes with the stereo mix, he throws in sounds that are literally unrecognizable. But under that are these incredibly rich folk songs that come straight from the heart. Phil’s lyrics are unique and beautiful. This can even be seen in the beautiful simplicity of the album title. This is another incredible album by Phil.

The Microphones - The Glow Pt. 2: This is probably one of my top five albums of all time. It’s weird experimental folk that has some elements of noise rock and metal et cetera. This album literally has me on the verge of tears a few times each time I listen to it because of Phil’s lyrics, his still fresh, even 16 years after it’s release, use of sound and beautifully flawed vocals.

The Microphones - Mount Eerie: This album picks up exactly where The Glow Pt. 2 leaves off. This album though is a much, much slower burn than The Glow Pt. 2, and can give you a bit more existential anxiety. This album feels massive in ambition and almost otherworldly. There is this odd feeling to all of the tracks that make it feel incredibly important and like you are just for listening to it. It’s just as experimental as The Glow Pt. 2, but in very different ways. This was, if you couldn’t tell by the name of the album, the beginning of Phil’s Mount Eerie style.

Miles Davis - Kind of Blue: This is the gold standard for jazz standards. These are some of the most famous jazz songs that are nowadays repeated at nauseam. On the record though they have some great life to them and are recorded beautifully. If you enjoy jazz this record is a must listen not only because it’s beautiful, but due to it’s historical significance.

Miles Davis - Bitches Brew: Oh baby, yes please!! Experimental jazz has never sounded so goddamn good!! This is such a weird and awesome album that just leaves you wanting more and more, despite it’s long length. This is where a lot of bands took their experimental influences from. Radiohead for example cited this as a major inspiration when they wrote OK Computer. This is such a good one.

(Quick Mount Eerie Note: The Microphones and Mount Eerie are both projects from Phil Elverum, he just changed his name after four albums to Mount Eerie)

Mount Eerie - “No Flashlight” Songs of the Fulfilled Night: Weirdly enough this album has a similarity to The Microphones first album. When listening to this album you can kind of feel that Phil has changed. His sound is much more subdued here than it is on The Microphones Mount Eerie album. it feels less grand in scope, but more personal to Phil. It sounds like he wrote these songs in the woods, by himself, with no flashlight. It’s beautiful and heartbreaking. The perfect start to the Mount Eerie name.

Mount Eerie - Lost Wisdom: This is probably tied with Ocean Roar as my least favorite Mount Eerie album. It isn’t bad so much as it is a little boring for Phil’s discography. It’s incredibly short and doesn’t really explore anything too new for him other than having a female vocalist on every track. I just wanted more and not really in a good way. This album only clocks in at 24 minutes so it feels too short for its own good.

Mount Eerie - Dawn: Aside from his most recent album, this is Phil’s quietest record. It’s easy to miss, but really shouldn’t be. It’s soft and thoughtful, but comes in and out of your life quickly and quietly. You won’y be itching to hear that one catchy track again, but you may come back to it to feel some quiet tracks on a sad night. Absolutely beautiful and understated record from Phil.

Mount Eerie - Wind’s Poem: Wow. This is a killer album, potentially his best, but it’s another one that is a little more difficult to listen to. This album mixes his normal folk style with these screeching metal guitars that thoroughly shake your head when you’re listening. This album feels like a sonic manifestation of anxiety and depression. That’s all I’ll say. Go listen to it.

Mount Eerie - Clear Moon: This album honestly feels like beauty and anxiety or tension at least are just having the most intense showdown. This album has some of Phil’s most beautiful songs that he has ever written on  it, like Through the Trees Pt. 2. You can’t listen to that song without falling under it’s perfect, spacey spell. On the other side though are some of the most chillingly anxious tracks that envelop your body with their dissonance. This is another near perfect album by Phil.

Mount Eerie - Ocean Roar: In theory this album is a sequel to Clear Moon, but its predecessor is a thousand times better. Ocean Roar is just kind of… well boring honestly. It’s very slow, very droney, and very meh. If you love Phil, you’ll at least enjoy it a little bit for what it is, but it just doesn’t stick out like his other immaculate albums do.

Mount Eerie - Sauna: Phil was in a good place in his life here, which makes his next album so goddamn sad. This album is pretty lighthearted, to the point where Phil has a song about books. It’s not his regular death contemplation or the exploration of depression. It feels like he was happy, I wish he could’ve stayed happy…

Mount Eerie - A Crow Looked At Me: This album is a little weird to talk about due to its subject matter. This is one of Phil’s most stripped back albums because the music almost doesn’t matter, even though it is very good. This album is basically Phil venting to us about the recent death of his wife. It isn’t a fun time. There are times during this record where Phil is talking directly to his deceased wife, saying the exact amount of time since he saw her last. It’s incredibly raw emotion and rare truth that Phil spills on this record. Each song is soft and sets the tone for Phil to come in and just break your heart with each song, each idea and each word that comes through on this record. If you can, please support Phil and buy this record, or at least check it out.

M83. - Dead Cities, Red Seas & Lost Ghosts: Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming is big and catchy, each bubblegum, neon dripping hook easily able to fill stadiums. Dead Cities is smaller, more intimate, weirder, more tortured and slept on. It takes more than one listen to hear it’s intricacies and emotions. Sometimes it’s beautiful, like on Unrecorded. Synths fill the air as soft piano-like notes flutter on top of it. Other times it’s nasty and harrowing, the last part of Beauties can die feels utterly hopeless and covered in grime. This is a great electronic album.

N:

NAO - So Good EP: So Good is so good. This EP is pretty awesome, mostly due to the catchy titular track with A.K. Paul. Their chemistry is awesome and this song is sexy as all hell. Definitely worth a listen, and I’ll bet that you’ll come back to So Good when you need an extra dose of sexy in your day.

NAO - For All We Know: Not every track is a winner, but when NAO hits, she has a killer song on her hands. For example, In the Morning is incredible, absolutely incredible. But this album is long, and there is a lot of filler in between the great songs. NAO’s voice though is what pulls this record together into a project that is satisfying despite it’s misses, and she is going to stay on my radar in the future.

Nas - Illmatic: Looking back at it, it’s absolutely insane that I somehow missed this album. This is one of those albums that is pretty goddamn perfect from start to finish. It’s production defined the nineties and it’s lyricism was smart, cynical and sometimes heart breaking. And to top it all off, Nas was only 19 when this album came out. That always makes me feel bad about being 20 and not having one of the most genre defining albums out. Check this one out.

The National - The National: I went into this album with lower expectation due to it’s mixed reviews and I wasn’t really surprised either way. There isn’t anything super new or really too impressive here. It’s some decent rock with a slight country or Americana twang to it. If anything this album showed that they were a band to keep an eye on in the future. Potential, potential, potential.

The National - Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers: This one is a step in the right direction. This album has some great tracks on it. But the best parts of the record come when the band decides to really take a step out of their comfort zone. There are a few tracks where they decided to go slightly punk with it and begin to ramp up the intensity in the instrumentation and Matt really lets loose with some passionate yelling. This album is the direction I wanted the band to go in, more intense, more raw, more brutal.

The National - Alligator: This album is where the band really starts to get some buzz and good reviews, but honestly, I’m not sure why. This is the opposite direction in which I was expecting, and hoping the band would go in. Rather than lean into the more raw and intense, semi-punk driven style, they go back to their softer “indie” rock (I hate that moniker but I’m not sure what else to use) sound with Matt’s regular delivery. Speaking of his delivery, good lord can he please change it up? Literally every song he uses the same exact inflection and tone of voice, which makes them all blend together into this album sized amalgamation that just makes me lose interest around the midway point. He has this weird deep, throatier sounding drawl that gets old fast. Not quite my style.

The National - Boxer: More of the same… I mean, I’ll keep trying, because people say they’re amazing, but they just aren’t doing it for me. And Matt, please, stop with the weird throaty drawl. Please stop.

Neon Indian - Psychic Chasms: How is Neon Indian so cool without even trying? This album has this almost Strokes level of swagger in a drastically different genre. This electronic album is funky, danceable without being fast, and spacey. This is the type of music you listen to by yourself while staring at the ceiling, mesmerized by all the weird sounds and smirking knowing that you are cool for knowing who Neon Indian is. It feels like a album that was slapped together pretty easily from the heart and just nailed everything perfectly, even finding one of the most unique sounds in the electronic genre. This is feel good music that is original.

Neon Indian - VEGA INTL. Night School: Neon Indian’s second album Era Extraña lost the magic that Psychic Chasms brought to the table. It felt self conscious and much too aware of what it was going for. This album feels like a slightly fed up Neon Indian deciding to just make something that they enjoy rather than cater to every audience at once. All I want to do when listening to this album is dance. It’s catchy, it’s sexy and it makes you feel awesome just for listening to it. This album isn’t quite like his previous ones because of it’s more catchy melodies and danceable beats, and I don’t think it’s quite as good as his debut album, but it packs a gnarly punch from its first track to its last.

Neutral Milk Hotel - On Avery Island: Their first record is this amazing mix of folk and noise rock that they would later perfect on their next record, but this record is nothing to sneeze at. It feels much different from their next partially due to the amount in which they utilize noise rock here. There are a few songs where the instrumental would be called, “not music” by those who can’t appreciate the experimentation. Not only did this album show potential, it also takes you on an awesome journey that you will come back to, no doubt.

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea: This album is plagued by memes and obnoxious 4chan users who think they are funny just writing lyrics on repeat at nauseam on threads, but there is actually a reason for it. This is one of those albums that from the moment it starts, you can feel something special about it. It has weird, often surreal or fantastical lyrics mixed with a sort of folk rock with these noise rock accents. There are beautiful melodies and dissonant ones too that each work together to make an utter masterpiece. You’re doing yourself a disservice if you miss this album, it is spectacular.

Nick Murphy (fka Chet Faker) - Missing Link EP: I wanted this to be good, I wanted it so badly, but it’s just not great. Nick is in a weird place right now, he has no idea where to go right now. What do you do after an album that blasts you out of obscurity, that’s style is no longer appealing to you? I have no idea… and Nick doesn’t either. This EP feels so uncomfortable, and not in a good way. Each song feels like a different album, hell, even a different artist. None of them are particularly shocking or catchy, they just kind of roll off your back once they finish. It’s just… disappointing.

Noname - Telefone: Noname is like the quiet girl in high school who, when she does speak up, is by far the most interesting and entertaining person in the room. Her style is similar to the likes of other Chicago artists (or you could call it the Chance style). She uses some hints of gospel as a backdrop for her subtle and soft lyrical style that make you take a minute and think about. She doesn’t show off her beats and vocals though, she opens up and really gives us some incredibly touching stories and emotions. She’ll be around a long time, and she can only go up from here.

Notorious B.I.G. - Life After Death: Biggie is one of those rappers that is just on the boarder of being overrated, then when you listen to his stuff you don’t think he’s popular enough. He just had a way with rhymes and beats. He was able to rap about slinging crack, then immediately after share some deeper emotions and have it all fit into these crazy visions he had for his two records. Just incredible stuff, truly incredible. We lost Biggie much too soon.

O:

Oddisee - The Iceberg: This just barely missed being on my best of 2017 list. This is a great, conscious hip hop album. Oddisee has some interesting insights and is a great storyteller. My favorite song on the project, or at least the one that sticks with me the most is You Grew Up. It takes an interesting look at racism and how that can grow in children if it is fostered, definitely a powerful portrayal.

P:

The Pablo Collective - The Death of Pablo: I usually do not enjoy remix albums. Their lack of creativity usual defines the style, slapping on today’s most obnoxious trends onto previously released songs. But this… this is different. This doesn’t even remotely feel like The Life of Pablo. Following their mission statement, this album is darker, grittier and so much more disgusting. It will drain the life out of you and make you feel utterly hopeless, especially in the middle where there is about a ten minute industrial sounding interlude attempting to simulate the sounds of death. Right as you want to shut it off from just being too much, it comes back around and hits you with this incredible speech from Kanye set to music. This is an incredible project.

Perfume Genius - Put Your Back N 2 It: You ready to cry a little bit with me? Goddamn, Hadreas delivers an incredible album that is stripped back to basically just his own soft shaky vocals and piano chords that are reverbed the fuck out of. He throws in a few background sounds here and there, like heavily distorted vocals or strings, but the take away hear are the lyrics. This is an emotional ride that will break you. He sings about the struggles of being a gay man, domestic abuse, just being sad, and be able to power through that.

Perfume Genius - Too Bright: Hadreas brings the feels again with this soft, at times nasty, sludgy record that mixes his previous style with something a bit more layered. The song Queen is a good example of what this album is. Hadreas uses vocals that could be found on his last record, but with an instrumental that would’ve felt outlandishly out of place due to its thickness and staggering dimensions. With that being said, it’s still able to remain subtle, soft and slow. But if there weren’t emotions flowing through each lyrics veins, it wouldn’t be a Perfume Genius album.

Perfume Genius - No Shape: Man, this album immediately shows that it’s different from Hadreas’ previous records. On the first track, it starts like his other albums, soft and subtle, then it just explodes with a wall of sound and textures. This is Hadreas’ most difficult album to listen to if you are not acquainted with more experimental sounds, but in my opinion, it’s his best record.

Phoenix - Ti Amo: I love Phoenix. Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix is such an awesome album that just hits high after high until you’re left mashing the repeat button on every track. I listened to Ti Amo on its release date, and I genuinely don’t recall a single lyric or melody. It’s just really boring and uninspired. It feels like they were contractually obligated to pop out another album so they put something together in three months that at least sort of sounds like Phoenix and called it good. I hope they take some time to find themselves and a good direction forward before making another album.

The Postal Service - Give Up: I almost guarantee that you’ve heard a majority if not all of this record before just on radio stations or your friends barbecue mix tape. It’s influential no doubt, it’s sounds are familiar at this point due to how often people have borrowed their sound, but that doesn’t alway mean it’s good. Some songs are fantastic and each catchy note or melody gets burned into your skull, yet other songs can get a little boring. It’s just a bit inconsistent. I wish that they had made more albums together because if they had let their sounds grow a bit I bet they would've put out a killer record.

Q:

Quelle Chris - Being You is Great, I Wish I Could Be You More Often: This is an awesome hip hop album that skates through humor and existential fear at the same time. Quelle Chris’ delivery stays at a lower, almost monotonous, level that works with his dry humor and battered emotional state. His production also has some Madlib-esque spice to it that is entertaining and experimental. Please check out this record, it is worth your time.

Quasimoto - The Unseen: This is one of those classic hip hop albums that only intense hip hop heads know. I wouldn’t have found it had my good friend not told me to check it out. Quasiomoto is one of Madlib’s alter egos. He works in some great production and lyrics into this must listen album.

R:

Radiohead - Pablo Honey: This album gets a lot of hate from Radiohead fans for being too generic and of the nineties. It’s not terrible, but it’s definitively not Radiohead. Creep is by far the best song on the album but should not be Radiohead’s most popular song. The bad songs on the album though could have been popped out by any band from that time period.

Radiohead - The Bends: This is the first “real” Radiohead album. They really began to find their footing here. This album is filled with two types of songs, way more of the latter than though. The first are songs that feel slightly dated with that nineties alternative rock sound. These are songs like The Bends. The second type are songs that feel right at home in Radiohead’s discography. The songs that feel dated though aren’t bad, they just have a little nineties stank on them. But when this album hits a high, similar to Radiohead’s other albums, it hit’s so hard that you are amazed for the next five minutes because of that one note. High and Dry comes to mind as a song that will blow you away.

Radiohead - Kid A: They say that OK Computer was what solidified Radiohead in history, then Kid A solidified them in the future. This album showed us that Radiohead had legs past the nineties. They came out with this album that is part rock, part electronic and all weird. It was polarizing when it came out, but an undeniable classic now that has influenced the rest of their discography and so many other bands all over the place. Listen to this record. Period.

Radiohead - Amnesiac: Packaged as a sort of sequel to Kid A, Amnesiac is a collection of Kid A b-sides that are surprisingly good. These tracks were so good in fact that they warranted another studio album rather than being scattered and released at weird times throughout the years. The rock tracks here are Radiohead’s classic style that is always able to amaze me, and their electronic tracks give you new sounds to wrap your head around. All in all, a great record.

Radiohead - Hail to the Thief: People have thought of some weird analogies for this record. Pitchfork even went as far as to say that it’s an anti-masterpiece (in a good way somehow?). All you need to know is that this is a great record. It won’t alter your life like some of their previous projects, but it’s got some fantastic stuff on it.

Radiohead - In Rainbows: This is the album that they needed after Hail to the Thief, a great but not spectacular album. They took some extra time with this one and popped out one of their best records. This thing is filled with amazing songs from the almost dancey 15 Steps, to the soft and thoughtful track Nude. This was Radiohead telling us that not only did they still have it, they were better than most even after 15 years since OK Computer.

Radiohead - The King of Limbs: People hate this record. It’s fine. It’s not amazing, but it’s not terrible. It’s just kinda middle of the road. Listen to it if you love Radiohead, if you don’t know Radiohead don’t start with it. That’s it. It’s fine.

Radiohead - A Moon Shaped Pool: Oh man… where to begin. This shows Radiohead’s brilliance. After over 20 years they are somehow still able to pop out one of the best records of the year!! It’s slow and soft, yet it drags you into it’s atmosphere immediately and holds you under what feels like sonic water. The highs are spectacular and the emotional lows can be felt throughout your whole body. This is just another one of Radiohead’s immaculate albums.

Ratt - Out of the Cellar: It’s Ratt. Their fun, they put out some good hair metal, they’re fun live. I don’t think that their music will really go down in history as incredible stuff. It also kinda says something when I was the youngest person at the show. It’s just kind of a dated sound that doesn’t really need to come back because we’ve just moved past it. Again, it will occupy you for about thirty minutes but it’s not something that will change your outlook on life.

Red House Painters - Down Colorful Hill: Eh… Not for me. It’s too slow and dramatically emotional. I’ll try again with them in the future, but I was more waiting for the album to be over than listening for subtle details.

Run the Jewels - RTJ3: This is not my favorite RTJ album, but by no means do I think it’s bad, it’s spectacular. These two have some of the best chemistry in hip hop today. Their political opinions blast through and give this album the most anxious feeling. Even when they step away from political ideology it works well. Their song to their deceased friend is heartbreaking and perfectly accented by Kamasi Washington on the tenor sax.

S:

Sampha - Process: My god. This album is incredible. Sample fuses R&B with electronic music, just sings over the piano, and get’s slightly experimental here. It’s pretty amazing that this is a debut album because it feels like he’s been doing this a while. This album will have you moving, will make you try and hit the notes that Sample belts out, and will tug at your heart a bit. He really blew it out of the park with this album.

(Sandy) Alex G - Rocket: Damn. Incredible fusion of folk, punk, experimental, industrial and everything else. It’s so goddamn good. Poison Root kicks off the album softly and as it progresses it gets intense, then it eases back out. One of the best albums of the year in my opinion and may make it into my year end list. Go listen to this sucka!! (Also, he was opening for Fleet Foxes when I saw them, but I got to the show late and missed him, I’m beyond crushed!!)

Shabazz Palaces - Black Up: I had heard these guys compared to Death Grips a couple of times so I had to check them out. After listening, they are only similar in their use of experimental beats. But man, if they aren’t experimental. These guys do some crazy things from polyrhythms, to throwing out song structure completely. That may sound interesting, or be a deal breaker to you, but either way, you should check these guys out if not to only see what is possible under the hip hop umbrella.

Shapes & Colors - Love / Sex / War EP: Okay, so these guys talked to me on twitter and seemed really nice, so I will try to be gentle. It’s… not great. It feels very generic and done a million times before. It’s just indie rock that maybe would’ve sounded new in 2008, but it feels a little dated upon release. Check it out if you want to support these guys, but I found it difficult to get through it’s short length.

The Shouting Matches - Grownass Man: I wanted this album to be amazing, but it just isn’t. There are some amazing tracks, like the great Gallup, NM, but there are also some boring tracks. It feels like the boys weren’t quite sure what they wanted to do with this album, they just knew they wanted to make a bluesy record. With the few exceptions, most of the album feels a little stale.

Snakadaktal - Sleep in the Water: That reverb be heavy doe!! I wasn’t expecting much from this due to the band’s silly name, but this is a pretty great dream pop album. It feels spacey, yet emotionally potent. Plus the band’s dual vocalists adds another dimension to songs like Too Soon. These guys reminded me of Beach House a bit, but not so much that it felt like either band was stealing from each other.

Soft Cell - Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret: Look, this album is incredibly 80’s. It feels like they were using synths for the first time in the studio they sound so simple. But this album has some killer tracks. First off, the classic Tainted Love is undeniably catchy despite being so 80’s you can basically feel the neon dripping off of each beat. The final track Say Hello, Wave Goodbye also stands out because of its emotional impact coming late in the record. If you can get behind the 80’s clichés and rock with this britpop, you will find something to enjoy here.

Spoon - Hot Thoughts: It’s weird how Spoon is incapable of making bad albums. They just seem to pop out good albums one after another. While this isn’t my favorite of theirs, it still has some great material, including the title track that bounces in your head and gets stuck their for weeks. Britt’s vocal delivery fits so perfectly with their sound it seems like these musicians were born to play together. Another great one from the boys in Spoon!!

Squarepusher - Feed Me Weird Things: I don’t know if there are any other artists that have a similar sound. Squarepusher has made a career out of the most unique mix of jazz and… I don’t even know it’s just incredible. His first album must’ve seemed so weird when it came out. I can’t imagine what people who knew him must’ve said about it. I know this is vague, but I’m not sure what to say about his stuff, just go listen to it.

Squarepusher - Music is Rotted One Note: I feel like I will be listening to this album when I finally go insane. This is like jazz if jazz had schizophrenia. It’s so weird and experimental and anxiety ridden, yet beautiful at the same time. It makes you feel like you’re crazy when you listen to it, but it also takes your breath away at least once every song. It’s not for everyone, but goddamn it’s at least for me.

Squarepusher - Go Plastic: This is Squarepusher going plastic, or at least synthetic. These songs are all electronically produced, which is different from his normal style of physical instrumentation. This is another great album by the always weird always awesome Squarepusher.

Substantial - The Past is Always Present in The Future: This album really surprised me. To be honest, I wasn’t expecting much. I hadn’t heard of Substantial, and his album cover for this thing is… just really bad, like really bad. But good goddamn if it’s not fantastic!! It’e emotional, socially conscious, utilizes Tonedeff very well, and is thoroughly enjoyable. It sounds weird, but I do think that the tracklist should be shuffled around a little bit in order to really make certain songs have more of a payoff, but this is a great hip hop album even without that.

Syd - Fin: I knew Syd a little bit from her days in Odd Future, providing backing vocals for Tyler, Earl and Frank. I hadn’t listened to her stuff from The Internet, so I went into this pretty unaware of how she would sound. Goddamn does she have a voice. This album is enjoyable because of her voice.

SZA - Ctrl: Man, SZA is fun to listen to. She’s got a great voice, can write lyrics well and has some great beats backing her. The one problem I had with the album is just the lack of focus in terms of emotions. I didn’t feel a central idea coursing through it, which isn’t necessary, but I feel would be greatly impacting and powerful for her style. Kung Fu Kenny also has a good feature on this thing.

T:

Temple of the Dog - Temple of the Dog: This album is another one, similar to Mount Eerie’s A Crow Looked at Me, that sends a past loved one off. Rather than being as detailed and soft, this one goes for a different approach. It’s music as opposed to lyrics are what do the trick here. This super group of nineties rockers came together to pop out this one beautiful record. Chris Cornell (RIP), Mother Lovebone and Eddie Vedder all bring their styles together for an incredible and heartbreaking project that will go down as a fantastic nineties moment.

Thundercat - The Golden Age of Apocalypse: This is Thundercat at his absolute best musically. Every song is incredible with some of the most impressive bass playing that I have ever heard. If you like jazz, hip hop, funk, or anything in between, you would be doing yourself a disservice if you missed this incredible record.

Thundercat - Drunk: Thundercat’s lyrics get funnier, his songs get catchier, but his focus gets wider. This album is fantastic, but is a little on the long side and could probably use a few edits here and there of songs that don’t quite stand out among the others. And let’s just get Wiz Khalifa off of this, he just doesn’t do the album any good. Kendrick can stay though, Kendrick can always stay.

Todd Terje - It’s Album Time: This album is so weird and funny and cool and stupid and amazing. It feels like Todd wrote and performs this album with a giant smirk on his face the whole time. I mean for god sake, it’s called It’s Album Time. His tongue is in his cheek and it works so well for this electronic joyride. It’s just fun and weird. I have no idea what else would fit into the same category.

Tonedeff - Polymer: Tonedeff is interesting to me. On paper I should love him. He is a fantastic producer, an artist who tries to go deeper than most, and a great storyteller on top of that. But for some reason I have a hard time getting into his stuff. There always seems to be some aspects of his songs lyrically that I just can’t get over. Sometimes they just feel like he’s trying a little too hard, sometimes he’s just trying to go for the quick emotions. He’s okay, but just not my cup of tea. However, he is great to see live and if you get the chance please do, because he makes his shows incredibly entertaining and interactive.

A Tribe Called Quest - The Low End Theory: Tribe is legendary. If you don’t know them you are depriving yourself of some of the best jazz hip hop ever to be produce. ‘Nuff said!!

A Tribe Called Quest - Midnight Marauders: Another stellar projects from Tribe. Their chemistry is always amazing, their beats are perfectly stylish and practical, and their lyrics always surpass expectations. Legendary group that will go down in history!! Perfection!!

Tycho - Past Is Prologue: This album showed me that Tycho had a little growth throughout his career, but it’s honestly pretty subtle. There are just certain droney sounds he likes using more now than he did then. Still sounds like Tycho.

Tycho - Dive: Don’t get me wrong, I like Tycho, but his music isn’t anything I haven’t heard before. It’s something that you would find on one of those YouTube playlists called, “Chill Music,” or “Chill Wave.” It would have some picture of a sunset or beach and this would be perfect to zone out to with friends while talking about the universe. It’s slow and meant to be in the back of your head.

Tycho - Awake: Tycho’s albums kind of all feel like a continuation of the last one. This is vibe music through and through. If you are looking for something challenging or incredibly interesting, look somewhere else. This one is basically filler music, or entertaining elevator music.

Tycho - Epoch: More of the same. It just sounds like Tycho, which can sometimes just be aggressively average.

Tyler, The Creator - Bastard: When you go back and look at all the old Odd Future stuff, if you’re like me, you’ll get a little nostalgic and watch Oldie with a huge grin. So much of their stuff at the time was great but has aged pretty poorly, or I can just see that it was never very good. But Tyler, Earl and Frank did always have something special. Of the mixtapes that came out in the early Odd Future days, this and Earl are the two best. Bastard is one of those albums that provoked and prodded, but above all, it showed potential. The beats are nasty, the lyrics are nastier and Tyler’s attitude is above all the nastiest. If you can stomach his shit, this is a great one to check out.

Tyler, The Creator - Goblin: This is an awesome concept album that starts so strong then kinda peters out under its own weight. This album is chalk full similar to his next album, and not every song is great. But Tyler brings a certain anger that just makes me want to throw shit out the window in defiance. His nasty lyrics itch that fucked up part of your brain that is often discouraged, but Tyler forces it out of you on songs like Yonkers and Tron Cat. If you enjoy hip hop and can handle song goddamn disgusting lyrics mixed with a cool concept, check this one out.

Tyler, The Creator - Wolf: Wolf is Tyler’s strongest album, despite the fact that it lacks a lot of focus. (UPDATE: Flower Boy is now his strongest with Wolf as his second most) I’ve listened to Wolf probably ten times now and I can recall songs from it, but when I try to think about the overarching themes or ideas, I kind of tend to draw a blank. Yet, the high moments are high, raw and fucked up. Rusty is a great ensemble track that tries to piss you off in classic Tyler style, Awkward is a heartfelt song from Tyler to his dad, and IFHY is an amazing song to an ex who he had a bit of a rough breakup with. Tyler also used his features incredibly well making them important and necessary parts to each song. This is a great album that you should really check out.

Tyler, The Creator - Cherry Bomb: Oh boy… Cherry Bomb is Cherry Bomb. It’s weird, it has some good stuff, but it’s also got Tyler’s worst stuff. It’s such a mixed bag that just doesn’t always work, in fact it doesn’t most of the time. This is one of those ones for die hard Tyler fans, but if you don't love him it’s not really for you…… I’m sorry, I’m trying to be positive here, but it’s just bad.

U:

V:

Vagabon - Infinite Worlds: Look, I like the genre, but Jesus Christ, can someone please, PLEASE just think of something new?! This album is literally every single idea that I’ve been hearing for years just jammed up in the same album. There are like two songs of note and I don’t remember which ones because I didn’t want to listen to it a second time. This album was just disappointing to me.

Van Morrison - Astral Weeks: This is one of those albums that you would find in your parents or aunt and uncles collection that upon first glance would skip, then when listening to it cry like a fucking baby. I’ve always been a fan of Van Morrison, and Moondance was what I’ve always thought of as his best album, but this one… this one is different no doubt. This one is less catchy, a bit more long winded, but maybe more powerful. Morrison’s almost strained Irish vocals are carried along by the soft guitar and meandering flute player on the title track, setting a perfect tone for the album. If you want a great album that is soft, but will blow your socks off, check this one out.

(Quick Vince Staples Note: I have seen Vince Staples live and that may have caused me to be a little biased, I don’t think it did but just keep that in mind)

Vince Staples - Hell Can Wait EP: This is a great EP. This is what put Vince on the map. This album shows his talent and incredible struggle to get to where he is now. The beats slap and his vocals cut through the mix like knives. Some may find his voice to be whiney or too high pitched, but it works for his style in my opinion. This is a can’t miss, especially if you are interested in seeing where he came from and where he will go.

Vince Staples - Summertime ’06: Badabing!! Wowzers bowzers, radio hits, spacey beach sounds and Kilo Kish. This is Staples at his best. This album’s structure is incredible, starting off strong with Lift Me Up and Norf Norf, then Lemme Know all on the same side?! Unreal shit. This album is awesome!!

Vince Staples - Prima Donna EP: This one gets a little darker. Vince sounds like he’s been trapped in his own head for a little too long and is pleading to get out. His lyrics are anxious and his delivery varies from emotionally distant on War Ready to a little more urgent on Pimp Hand. His beats are ugly, in a good way, they’re lo-fi and glitchy, almost as if he rubbed sand into the soundboard in the studio. Great EP.

Vince Staples - Big Fish Theory: This is where Vince Staples needs to go. This album is a bit more experimental and uses his style in a way that is different from his previous releases. He seems to be experimenting more with beats than lyrics, which makes a few songs have eh lyrics, but overall it works. This album to me, seems like it will be a stepping stone to another album that just pushes everything further and he’ll pop out his magnum opus next, mark my words!!

W:

Warren G - Regulate… G Funk Era: Makes you want to go to the East Side Motel. (It’s a classic that is required listening, so go listen to it… like now.)

Wavves - You’re Welcome: It’s just so aggressively mediocre that I began to resent it after the first ten seconds. There is nothing that sets this album apart from others, there is nothing that makes it very good or very bad. The road they drive down is very much in the middle. Yucko.

X:

X - Los Angeles: Never thought I would hear Ray Manzarek playing punk music, but man, he fits in perfectly. This album is one of those ones that is the perfect amount of time. There is no fat on this album and every song fits in like it should. And again, Manzarek on keys was such a smart choice.

The xx - I See You: It’s pretty good, probably my favorite album of theirs. But it left me just wanting more of Jamie’s solo stuff. On Hold is just a Jamie xx song that the other two members of The xx jump on and deliver their usual meh style on. I liked it for what it was but I'm just sick of The xx sounding the same on every song… and I want more Jamie xx.

Y:

YG - Still Brazy: YG gets pretty brazy on this album. His production uses that classic G Funk style with a few updates to keep it fresh. The beats perfectly complement his vocal delivery that changes on tracks on in tracks too like on Don’t Come to L.A. YG also get’s pretty political on this one with tracks like FDT (Fuck Donald Trump), Blacks & Browns and Police Get Away Wit Murder. This is a surprisingly good album that I wasn’t expecting much on.

Young Pappy - 2 Cups Part 2 of Everything: This kid had some talent. Sadly, he is no longer with us, but, man, he knew how to write songs. His style is aggressive, Killa sounds like he’s gonna jump through your headphones and bite your head off. His production is sample heavy and bass heavier. We lost this guy too soon, I would’ve loved to see what he would’ve been able to put out in his later years.

Your Old Droog - Packs: The Jeselnik skits are pretty useless, forgettable and low energy from Jeselnik, but if you skip those this album is pretty amazing. Droog is a great storyteller, his beats are bonkers and utilize sound effects to help push his stories along and he knows how to write some real hot hooks. One of the best hip hop albums of 2017. Also, Danny Brown has a killer, KILLER feature on Grandma Hips that you can not miss!!

Z:

You guys are the best!! Thanks for everything!!

--Andrew

[lokidiabolus]

Tough Life In Andromeda

Fandom: Mass Effect: Andromeda

Pairing: Liam Kosta x Scott Ryder

Warnings: bi!Liam, spoilers for certain points in the game

Summary: Liam had dreams for the life in Andromeda. They shattered the moment they arrived and everything went crazy, but giving up was not his forte. Scott was there to lead them, strong and maybe a little broken, and Liam decided supporting him fully was the only important goal at the moment - if only Scott goddamn let him.

Can be found on Ao3.

Unbetad!

Liam

Coming to Andromeda usually made people think about new beginnings. At least most of them, at some point, decided Milky Way had nothing to offer anymore, or that there were too many bad memories or problems they wanted to escape from.

Liam thought about it a lot. He kept on mauling over it even when it was too late, when Andromeda had them in its clutches and tirelessly fired obstacles here and there to make it extra difficult – as if the fact none of the golden worlds worked out and it spread a wide-range panic among the people was not enough. Not to mention the lost arcs and Kett trying to kill them on every corner, planets being unsavoury at the best and unliveable at the worst, people still in cryo, Jien Garson meeting her fate before all of this even began and in the midst of it: them, a small Pathfinder team, roughly decimated on the first hello, stripped of the Pathfinder himself, putting his daughter in coma and leaving Kirkland dead.

If Liam was an optimist – and he usually was, if there was at least small hope he could push for – he would say hey, at least we are still alive? Which was undoubtedly true, just… this shit was hard. Quite frankly he wasn’t even at the peak of the receiving end, maybe somewhere at the side of it, and he still felt the pressure digging to his sides and to his back and then pushing down on his shoulders, attempting to discourage.

And if he felt like this – shitty, in one word – how Scott must have felt? Scott Ryder, who in one day lost his father, whose sister remained in coma, who from a member of the Pathfinder team became Andromeda’s humanity only hope?

No pressure.

And Liam was there, watching him from the very start, from a wide-eyed dreamer to a shocked disbeliever who had to bear the weight of the whole Nexus, the whole damn Hyperion with 20.000 lives riding on him. And the change wasn’t even slow, it was like a tornado, one moment he was gasping for breath, asking about Alec, and then Cora’s stance about him inheriting the title that belonged to her by default, and the other pressing forward, not giving up, never giving up.

And Liam would be damned if he didn’t support the attitude, man! He just wasn’t sure how exactly the bravado worked for their Pathfinder when the door to his cabin closed.

***

KOSTA.L >>> Can’t sleep, Pathfinder?

RYDER.S <<< Was sleep an option? I haven’t got the memo.

KOSTA.L >>> You should have read both sides of the brochure, man.

RYDER.S <<< I haven’t read it all. Sara roped me into it.

KOSTA.L >>> That’s some persuasive skills she has. I couldn’t rope you into getting me those movies and I really, really tried.

RYDER.S <<< They’re on the list, Kosta. I didn’t forget.

KOSTA.L >>> Could have fooled me.

RYDER.S <<< Thank you for the voice of confidence. I’ll sign my half-naked photos in the dock bay of Nexus next Friday.

KOSTA.L >>> Next Friday? You’re breaking my heart.

RYDER.S <<< What heart?

KOSTA.L >>> Ha.

RYDER.S <<< Was there anything else, except of the movies complaint?

KOSTA.L >>> It wasn’t a complaint, man.

RYDER.S <<< Could have fooled me.

Liam sighed and closed the private chat. The thing with Scott Ryder was like this: it didn’t work. Or it did, but only by the power of the sheer will. They clicked well on the battlefield, Liam had to admit. They even talked when they met on the Tempest – or Nexus – but it was all so… stiff. Like Ryder had thousands of barriers around himself that were password locked and Liam didn’t have the key to them, no matter how hard he tried to encrypt the guy. Sure, they weren’t enemies, they actually kept it civil and, well, normal, but Liam felt the edge of Ryder’s tolerance pressing every time he attempted to get closer.

He would say it was an obvious reaction for somebody who lost all the remaining family and got put in charge of something he never wanted to lead. Stress, hurt, pain – those things were very well known to Liam, he knew how to deal with them when somebody showed the symptoms. But with Ryder none of them worked, more like the opposite. He remained static and there for everybody reaching out to him (and they were reaching out, numerous voices, everywhere he went, there was a new request, new inquiry, even accusations that had to cut deep), but he didn’t let anybody breach the bubble.

Liam stared to the wall for a moment, the hum of the ship core seeping into his mind, and then let out another sigh, whipping the private channel open once more.

KOSTA.L >>> Seriously though. Don’t push yourself too hard.

RYDER.S <<< I don’t push myself at all, who told you that? Effortless on my part, trust me. Others push me just enough.

“Yeah, they do,” Liam mumbled unhappily, his fingers hovering above the omni tool. Seriously, all his attempts failed. Asking about Sara? She’s fine, just a sleepy head. Give her a rest. About being a Pathfinder? I suck at searching for stuff, what’s your point? The Nexus? Ugh, Kosta, stop ruining my day more than it is already.

So yeah. Breaking the shell was not an option with Ryder, he dodged it every time. He never lashed out though, never told him to stuff it, but he also never really gave him a satisfying answer of his own emotions, or opinions on that matter. Just like out of the book.

KOSTA.L >>> Okay. Try to get some sleep, Ryder. Night.

RYDER.S <<< Yeah, thanks.

I will try, Liam read the invisible line, and settled deeper into the couch. The annoying useless feeling of not being helpful to anybody here was eating him up alive.

***

“Baby it’s Voeld outside~.”

“I suppose humans don’t like cold very much,” Jaal pointed out and Ryder’s teeth chattered when a strong wind pushed from the side on their way to the slowly revealing Vault. The weather on Voeld had been deadly cold, same as living on an unfriendly piece of ice and sadness could go, but it had its charms too. Liam thought a lot about a possible outpost here, of people huddling together for warmth in houses, drinking hot tea and coffee, or maybe cocoa if somebody had that, or asking themselves if living in such a freezing wasteland was worth it.

Liam liked it, sort of. The cold was a bother, but nobody could say Voeld wasn’t in its way beautiful.

“Really? What gave us away?” The sarcasm dripped from Ryder’s voice in deadly drops and Jaal had the nerve to actually shrug at it. Liam really enjoyed having this guy around, that for sure.

“I suppose Ryder forgot to pack warmer undies,” he interjected with a small laugh and Ryder sent him a glare. The loud roaring of the Vault finally died out and it was pretty apparent Ryder didn’t even hesitate before rushing towards it, to at least a little warmer environment, as SAM helpfully announced while they entered the wide door and darkness engulfed them.

“As if warmer undies could save me from having frostbite here,” he heard their Pathfinder huff into the silence and followed his steps towards the gravity well. “Dibs on the shower once we’re back on the Tempest.”

“Aww.”

Ryder didn’t stop even when activating the freefall and Liam felt the tingling sensation hitting his spine as they slowly moved down through the floors. It was hard to tell with all the armour on how exactly was Ryder holding up, but as long as his somewhat bitter humour kept on flowing, Liam still could stay at ease.

“You look like you don’t mind though, Jaal,” he commented when their feet reach the floor again and Jaal silently looked around, probably seizing the options if things went south. Liam could tell this guy had an amazing tactical thinking and that was why he liked him so much. Plus the banter, of course.

“The cold?” the Angara glanced at Liam questioningly and he nodded. “No, not really. It is not the ideal setting, yes. But we adapt very fast.”

“Way to make me jelly over here,” Ryder mumbled and a quiet sneeze filled the hall. Liam snorted. “Don’t say anything.”

“Would never,” Liam raised his hands and Ryder stiffly moved towards the first console to activate to open them a path.

Does not fancy cold, got it.

“Alright. Let’s get this place up and running,” he heard him say and he door towards their soon sprinting exercise opened up. Liam already felt his heart beating like a drum.

***

KOSTA.L >>> Good job on Voeld, Ryder.

RYDER.S <<< You already told me that. Four times.

KOSTA.L >>> Never hurts to say it a bit more?

RYDER.S <<< Sure.

“Okay, no change, I guess,” Liam stared at the unhappy answers with a cringe. He thought of adopting more familiar approach, of course he did, but somehow couldn’t do it with Ryder being so distant all the time. Would feel weird and probably unwelcomed for both of them and nobody needed that. Not like with Jaal where being familiar sort of clicked – as well as throwing low-key insults around just for the fun of it. They kind of excelled in the fashion.

“In what?” Jaal interrupted his thoughts from the workbench and Liam closed the private channel with a sigh. “You keep sighing when you’re on board of the Tempest. Is that some kind of custom I’m not aware of?”

“I hope not,” Liam mumbled and returned back to the armour he had been poking in. There were adjustments he wanted to make, but the concentration wasn’t really great lately. He blamed Tann for it – if anything else, he could always ensure cringing moments. “I’m just trying something.”

“Something?” Jaal turned around, facing him with curious expression and Liam had to admit it would be rather unfair to keep him in a vague zone while doing things like these under his nose. So he shrugged, glanced shortly at him and then back at the armour.

“Trying to find out what makes Ryder tick,” he elaborated quietly. “Want to be of some use to him, but… he doesn’t respond to anything.”

“He reacts to you well enough when you talk,” the Angara pointed out obviously. “What else do you mean by ticking?”

“Like…” Liam straightened up, thinking about it. “Like his comfort zones?”

Jaal watched him for a moment, apparently contemplating the answer, and then hummed.

“You want to get him to like you,” he offered and Liam snorted. That was the last thing Ryder needed, someone wooing him in the middle of this damn existential crisis – although Peebee was pretty much set on the flirting mode. But then again, she flirted with almost everybody, so Liam didn’t really judge.

Well, maybe just a little.

“No,” he shook his head and Jaal looked confused. “I mean. Damn, this is difficult to explain, man.”

“Try me,” Jaal made a gesture towards him and Liam scratched his head.

“You know, this whole Initiative thing had been a mess from the start and Ryder got the worst of it, literally,” he tried carefully. Nobody needed him painting a picture other could see differently and he wanted Jaal to make his own opinion on the whole thing. “And the Tempest and the crew are here to help him to ease the burden, somehow. I was in the crisis response; I know how people under stress think. And he must be under tons of it. But nothing I learned works. He keeps on being closed off.”

“That still sounds like you want him to like you,” Jaal deadpanned, making Liam groan.

“Let’s just leave it at this – I want to be there for him if anything, as a proper member of his team. As should anybody else. But more, like…”

“Him liking you.”

“Him trusting me,” Liam sent him a look. “So he doesn’t need to worry about being shot in the back. Or deceived, because I’d be there, his second set of ears and eyes. Things like these, you know?”

“Oh,” a sudden understanding flashed in Jaal’s big, sparkly eyes. “His right hand then. War related.”

“Yes,” Liam pointed at him victoriously, then deflated again. “But he doesn’t let me.”

“You work well together though,” Jaal opposed with another confusion settling on his features. “You offer opinion when needed. As far as I’ve seen, he listens. Often things like these are enough to save a life.”

“I meant it on a little more… wholesome level though,” Liam focused back at the armour. “Not just outside of the battlefield. But even here, on the Tempest, on the Nexus. If he needed to talk he’d know I’ll listen?”

“Maybe there is already somebody like this for him you’re not aware of,” Jaal pondered and hey, that never really occurred to Liam before. Maybe somebody else from the crew – or maybe not even from the crew, maybe it was a Nexus citizen or a person from Prodromos he could be talking with. That was… unexpected. Little weird.

“They’re doing a shitty job then,” he let out bitterly. “He doesn’t look any less stressed.”

He heard Jaal chuckle and before he could ask what was so funny, the Angara turned back to his work as well and simply stated:

“Yes, you just want him to like you.”

***

Liam was livid. His body thrummed, his mind reeled. He wasn’t sure what was the strongest emotion now – if it was fear, anger or sadness, but it mingled together almost painfully in his head. Exaltation made his skin itch and the conflict was here, palpable and painful – and even more so when watching Jaal being broken over it all the way they rushed through, to reach the Moshae. Ryder led them almost relentlessly, his hands clutching the rifle to the point of breaking, and there was so much Liam learned about him today.

Passionate. Caring. Maybe dangerously unaware of his own safety. Offering Jaal a moral support while his voice was breaking over the disgusting news that kept on flowing at them from all sides.

“You promised, Ryder!” Jaal was desperate and Liam felt like throwing up. The Cardinal was staring at them like an abomination, offering a deal that felt like a pact with a devil, and Moshae was so damn angry.

“You can’t leave this place standing!” she insisted and Liam’s hand itched on the trigger when pointing at the Cardinal. Ryder’s eyes were wide and breath coming out in short puffs and Liam seriously thought this was his breaking point. And the time was running so damn short.

He watched him waver and then skim his eyes towards Liam, almost pleading, unsure.

“I can’t let them all die,” he whispered and it pained Liam just to think of making such choice instead of him. “I…”

“Yeah,” he nodded firmly. I will back you up, he wanted to say, just couldn’t find the right words at that moment. Ryder gulped down heavily, his eyes lingering.

“Yeah,” Liam repeated, because it was the only thing he could say, and it seemed like it was enough, because Ryder gritted his teeth and put the rifle down.

“Deal,” he uttered coldly, staring back at the Cardinal. “Now release them.”

Liam noticed Moshae gasping behind them, but Jaal looked relieved and the Cardinal fulfilled his part of a bargain while retreating, seemingly grateful. Ryder closed his eyes for a while and took a deep breath though his nose, his shoulders shaking.

“Fuck my life,” Liam heard him saying quietly. “Fuck it sideways.”

***

It was quiet on the Tempest. Quiet, tense and sad. New information they learned had been processed and everybody dealt with it differently. Jaal, when not with the Moshae, preferred to be alone and Liam, even though it wasn’t personally touching his own species (yet, he thought, yet, until Kett decided humans would make another good set of Chosen), ended up secluded as well.

Andromeda hated them with passion. Hell, all the events screamed at them to begone, to leave this wretched place, and Liam didn’t understand. There had to be something. At least a small thing that would make sense, right? What would prove they didn’t make this one-way journey just to be slaughtered or exalted or starved to death.

But the more he thought about it, the less probable it appeared. And the worse he felt. Crisis response, yeah…

RYDER.S <<< No good job on Voeld coming my way today?

Liam blinked at the terminal and his stomach dropped. He had been mauling over his own emotions he completely forgot Ryder was getting the worst of it the whole time, alone.

KOSTA.L >>> Tough decision today on Voeld. I… don’t even know what to say.

RYDER.S <<< That I fucked up?

KOSTA.L >>> You didn’t fuck up, man.

RYDER.S <<< Moshae is super pissed. I don’t think she would let us to Aya’s Vault. I fucked up. I should have killed the Cardinal, should have let them to blow the place sky high.

KOSTA.L >>> No. You saved lives.

RYDER.S <<< Few lives for the cost of many in the future, being exalted.

KOSTA.L >>> No.

RYDER.S <<< I don’t even know why I’m writing you this shit. I just feel tired.

Liam sucked in a breath and shook his head. Ryder must have felt terrible and he was alone in it, and the hits kept on coming. How was he able to withstand it until now without breaking over?

KOSTA.L >>> Want me to come over? To talk?

RYDER.S <<< No.

KOSTA.L >>> Alright. But you know you can talk to me, Ryder. Anytime.

RYDER.S <<< Yeah.

KOSTA.L >>> I mean it.

RYDER.S <<< I know.

KOSTA.L >>> Okay. Get some sleep?

When no response came, Liam closed the terminal and flopped on the couch. Crisis response? Him? He couldn’t take care of anybody without making it worse.

He fell asleep nestled on the ugly couch right after and the exhaustion cut deep into his bones. He completely missed the beep on the terminal and slept all the way back to Aya.

RYDER.S <<< Thanks.

***

“I noticed you’re often taking position close to Ryder.”

Liam glanced back at Peebee walking behind them and then checked the perimeter while at it. Kadara was one of a hellhole. The water was on a damn fire.

“Could be,” he mumbled, hearing Peebee hum.

Oh yay, here it comes.

“Seems like a deliberate attempt to be the one protecting him,” she didn’t disappoint and Liam refused to look Ryder’s way. If he would demand an explanation, Liam didn’t have any. It wasn’t like he didn’t trust Peebee or anything, it was just… she was rather distracting. He didn’t want to risk it.

“He’s the Pathfinder,” he responded firmly, and quite frankly that answer felt hollow even to his own ears.

“You do that when you’re out with the others?” she hit the nail on the head and Liam rolled his eyes. Must she really, really nag into it in front of Ryder, who could hear everything? Seriously?

“Not so much,” he admitted, gritting his teeth and she made a weird noise in her throat. Maybe a laugh? Would suit her.

“I see,” she let out at the end and he expected her to take a place on Ryder’s left just to vex him, but she stayed put.

He was never happier for trouble they could shoot at finding them than he had been now.

***

RYDER.S <<< Having a beef with Peebee?

KOSTA.L >>> No?

RYDER.S <<< Just checkin’.

KOSTA.L >>> If you mean what she said today on Kadara, I have no idea.

RYDER.S <<< Mkay.

KOSTA.L >>> No idea at all.

RYDER.S <<< I hear you.

KOSTA.L >>> And I do that even when she’s not around.

RYDER.S <<< Having no idea at all?

KOSTA.L >>> Sticking close to you.

RYDER.S <<< Oh right. So you can protect my virtue.

KOSTA.L >>> What virtue.

RYDER.S <<< That hurts, Kosta.

KOSTA.L >>> You’ll bounce back. You always do.

RYDER.S <<< You’re officially uninvited from all my parties.

KOSTA.L >>> Pfff. You’d miss me :P

RYDER.S <<< Hm.

KOSTA.L >>> What?

RYDER.S <<< Didn’t have you as a guy who uses smileys.

KOSTA.L >>> Who do you think taught Vetra?

RYDER.S <<< …good point. I wanted to say Cora, but.

KOSTA.L >>> Pretty sure Cora knows only the Asari ones.

RYDER.S <<< How would you make a tentacle-like smiley?

KOSTA.L >>> (-:E ?

RYDER.S <<< Nerd.

KOSTA.L >>> You asked.

RYDER.S <<< Night.

KOSTA.L >>> Night, Ryder (-:E

RYDER.S <<< …k.

***

Liam noticed in the evening. It was lying on the table next to his unfinished work – a data pad that didn’t belong to him. He checked it with a raised eyebrow, just to realize it was full of Nexus’ downloaded movies, alphabetically sorted. Most of them were documentaries, as expected, but some of the titles were usable and that made Liam happy.

KOSTA.L >>> And the Pathfinder delivers.

RYDER.S <<< I told you I didn’t forget.

KOSTA.L >>> Thanks, man. For real.

RYDER.S <<< You owe me real coffee. And a steak.

KOSTA.L >>> What? Why am I the only one that has to pay?

RYDER.S <<< Who says you’re the only one? I make everybody pay for my services.

KOSTA.L >>> Uh huh.

RYDER.S <<< …forget I said anything?

KOSTA.L >>> Nuh uh.

RYDER.S <<< K. Just the coffee then.

KOSTA.L >>> I can arrange that.

RYDER.S <<< Cool.

***

„Oh?“

„I’ve looked everywhere, but I keep getting shut down,” Liam gestured unhappily and Vetra actually stopped what she had been doing. The fact she didn’t kick him out yet was a good sign. “But you and your contacts…? I mean, please, Vetra.”

“Coffee beans, huh,” she repeated his request thoughtfully. He wouldn’t be as surprised if she would tell him no – they usually fought after all, but he still had hope she was a bigger person than him. “What a luxury.”

“It’s not for me,” he assured her and it seemed to make her curious. “But it’s important. Also, a secret.”

“Not for you and a secret,” she nodded, her eyes not leaving him for a second. “An expensive gift then?”

“Whatever it takes,” Liam agreed. He didn’t care about credits, not at this point.

“Very sweet of you,” she purred and at that moment Liam realized what she must have thought. Before he could explain, she patted him on the shoulder and shooed him out of the door.

***

“And Mr. Kosta delivers.”

“I had some help,” Liam admitted when the steaming cup of coffee that smelled like heaven finally touched the table, right in front of Ryder.

“With coffee?” the Pathfinder raised an eyebrow until the aroma hit him and his eyes widened. “Real coffee?!”

“As real as it can get,” Liam agreed and somehow felt proud about it, even though most of the work was on Vetra. He really couldn’t thank her enough (and even though she asked for a favour in the future, he was ready to sell his soul if needed) for all the inquiries she had to make to get this. He made a mental oath with himself to never mention anything about Sid in front of her ever again.

“I… don’t know what to say?” Ryder stared at the mug with shock written all over his face. “That had to cost you a fortune, jesus.”

“A favour for a favour?” Liam shrugged and boldly took a seat next to the man. Ryder didn’t seem to mind. “I’m glad if it helps.”

“You’re really something,” Ryder glanced back at him with a small smile and then pulled the mug closer. “Thank you.”

***

Liam learned their Pathfinder took the coffee black and bitter, never fancied sweets as much as Sara did, and his quarters had AC/DC playing when he entered, per his request.

 Scott

The requests were never-ending. He managed to please one person with a detour to get what they wanted, or they needed, and another five or them popped up, asking for things, for services, for closure. And Scott was so bad at saying no he rather pulled over with the Nomad just to investigate a ruin of a house for data to extract, or drove around the whole damn Eos to put up a beacon project that was left unfinished, instead of shutting them all down.

Nobody from his crew said anything to him. They followed and supported him and maybe if they did put up a protest, he would reconsider. But nobody did, and if Kosta was in the ground team at the moment, he would even encourage him further.

Sly weasel.

At some point being a Pathfinder paid off though. When the results started pouring in, he always felt accomplished, like what he had been doing had a purpose. It started with Prodromos and then any other outpost they made – on Voeld, on Elaaden, on Kadara (he got lots of shit for that one, especially thanks to the Collective, thank you for nothing, Reyes, you damn lying bastard I still listen to anyway). Sure, it was not enough, as Addison always helpfully supplied, but it was a start.

He always thought at least those things would make his father to be proud. A little proud, if anything. And Sara would be able to wake up to a bit better place than to what they arrived at first as well, that counted for something.

Except she would be mad at him at first for lying to her about dad.

RYDER.S <<< You said you had a big family, right?

KOSTA.L >>> Sure did. We were like cockroaches. Although now, when I know about Angaran families, mine feel rather small.

RYDER.S <<< In that case mine is non-existent. I even got pitied for having only one sibling, like it was a total disaster.

KOSTA.L >>> Well, I’m sure Sara counts for two at least.

RYDER.S <<< True enough. Will tell her you said that once she wakes up, so most of the anger will point at you rather than me.

KOSTA.L >>> Ha, you sneaky Adhi!

KOSTA.L >>> There is nothing to be angry about tho, I mean, you did your best?

RYDER.S <<< Yeah, it’s not really about the Pathfinding job.

KOSTA.L >>> No?

RYDER.S <<< I talked to her today.

KOSTA.L >>> Wait, is she already up?!

RYDER.S <<< Nope, not yet. SAM created a mental link, so we could talk.

KOSTA.L >>> Wow. That’s so cool, man. How’s she holding up?

RYDER.S <<< She seems fine. A little confused, but fine. Couldn’t bring myself to tell her about dad tho, so…

KOSTA.L >>> Oh, that what you meant about her being angry.

RYDER.S <<< I thought telling her this and the failure with golden words… felt like a bit too much?

KOSTA.L >>> Yeah, I’d do the same.

RYDER.S <<< You would?

KOSTA.L >>> Definitely.

RYDER.S <<< That’s kinda a relief.

KOSTA.L >>> Good to know.

He didn’t know when exactly it happened, but being able to talk to Liam put his mind at ease every time. He couldn’t tell if anybody really noticed – he knew Peebee did when it came to Liam’s overprotectiveness, but could she see Scott’s dependency as well?

It wasn’t even the wisest choice, this guy. He was a hot head and maybe bit of an idealist, and even proved making deals behind his back (with good intentions that backfired, making Scott clean up his mess after). Of course, Liam always owned it, apologized and made it right, but it didn’t change anything about the fact he wasn’t the best advisor Scott could get for tough decisions.

And there were only tough decisions ahead of them – and Scott always looked for Liam’s opinion, no matter what. It could have been Cora. Hell, it should have been Cora – professional, independent, smart, his second-in-command. Maybe a bit too much by the book, but at least the diplomacy was on point, never pulling the gut feeling Scott usually operated at. And Liam too.

Even Lexi evaluated him as too sarcastic for his own good. If Cora was there, she would stop him from mortally offending all kinds of people just by few words he couldn’t hold in his mouth. But not Liam. Sure, he sometimes made a face, but usually just snickered and backed him up and… Scott liked it.

***

“I wouldn’t mind living on Eos.”

“Really, here?” Scott snorted, dangling his feet in the air, and Liam next to him shrugged. The light was slowly dimming from the horizon and the blinking hue of Prodromos under them felt sort of soothing.

“It’s calm now but still proves a challenge,” Liam elaborated, looking down on the outpost. “You never thought of settling down once this all is over?”

“What’s this all?” Scott tilted his head to the side. “You really think Addison will give me a rest at any point of my Pathfinder job? Even after hundreds of outposts she will still ride me like a prostitute.”

“Now that’s a mental picture I didn’t need,” Liam groaned but when Scott laughed, he joined him.

“Not to mention,” Scott pointed out bitterly. “The last time I checked my employee data on Nexus said my paid vacation is in 587 days.”

“Dude, that sucks,” Liam nudged him with a snort. “But hey, at least at some point you’re getting paid. Cuz we sure don’t get paid now.”

“We should probably riot,” Scott suggested and when Liam chuckled, he lay down on the dry, cracked ground and took a deep breath. The air on this planet finally smelled somehow right. “Thanks, Liam.”

“Hm?” the man glanced back at him, a small smile playing on his lips. “For dragging you out today?”

“For being you.”

What I’d even do here without you, I wonder.

***

The Archon’s ship was an absolute and total disaster. Except of the data about Meridian, all the rest just… blew it. Scott still couldn’t wrap his head around it, the consequences were coming to him slowly, creeping into his thoughts and under his eyelids when he closed his eyes.

They got the data. They lost Raeka. They saved the Krogan scouts. Scott died.

He… died. Again. Lexi was livid, she almost hit him over his head, especially when he tried to turn it into a joke. Everybody was tense and tiptoed around him, and he felt nothing. He should have been scared, right? He should have feared the power SAM had over his body. But he did not – it was like pressing a button and having game over before reloading to the last check point.

It wasn’t such a big deal, was it?

“I don’t remember hurting all over when I died for the first time, geez-,”

“Scott, this is not funny!”

He stopped, momentarily stunned by the raised voice Liam used, and turned back towards him. He looked angry – no, more like furious. He still had the armour on, like he had been trying to breathe it out until now without luck, and Scott probably never saw him this angry. Not even when they went for Verand and Liam had a fit there – no. This was over the top.

“You can’t treat this shit like some circus attraction, for fuck’s sake!” the raised voice remained and Scott felt himself gasping for air, even though he didn’t even send the signal to his brain for it. “What were you even thinking?! You can’t switch yourself on and off like a goddamn machine!”

“Oi,” Scott stopped him with a frown. “Are you for real here?”

“You died!” Liam hissed like he took a mortal offense in that and Scott seriously didn’t understand. “Such a stupid-,”

“Choose your words carefully, Liam,” Scott barked, cutting the man short. “Very carefully here.”

Liam deflated a little, visibly so, but the gleam in his eyes remained and Scott just didn’t have any strength left to play it nice. He was tired, he hurt everywhere and all the shit he got from all sides were beating him up to the pulp.

“Do you think I like dying all over again?” he breathed out, and it sounded angrier than he thought it would. “What else should have I done? Leave us there, let Archon take us as a fucking test subjects or exalt us? I. Made. My. Choice.”

“That-,”

“Nobody got hurt!” Scott interrupted whatever Liam wanted to say and his voice echoed through his cabin like a thunder.

“You did!” Liam returned the shout-fest unhappily and groaned. “Scott, you have to realize-,”

“No, I did my job,” he stopped Liam again, this time in almost too quiet voice. “And I’m used to people giving me shit about it. I really am. I just didn’t think I’d get it from you too.”

“Scott-,”

“Go.”

“Scott,” Liam took a step forward, but Scott put up a hand.

“Go, Liam.”

The swishing of the cabin doors sounded like an ultimatum at that time.

***

KOSTA.L >>> I wasn’t giving you shit about doing your job.

RYDER.S <<< I’m not going to talk about it.

KOSTA.L >>> Look, you gotta realize you may be fine with switching yourself off and on, but you don’t need to watch it.

RYDER.S <<< Seriously? I’m dead but should be grateful I’m on the audience end? Really???

KOSTA.L >>> Imagine watching Sara die, ffs.

RYDER.S <<< What’s your damn point, Kosta?

KOSTA.L >>> Nothing. I guess. Forget it.

RYDER.S <<< WHAT’S YOUR DAMN POINT!

“For fuck’s sake, this guy,” Scott growled when no answer came and the indicator showed that Liam closed the channel. “I can’t have one day without a drama here. SAM!”

“Yes, Pathfinder?” At least SAM’s voice was calm like always.

“Where is Liam? On the ship, I mean.”

“Cargo bay, Pathfinder.”

Naturally.

It probably wasn’t the wisest decision Scott could have made – he knew very well trying to solve things when angry resulted only in even worse outcomes, from experience. Not only it worked that way in his family (he remembered how him and Sara always fought and neither of them wanted to back down when their blood was boiling, so the clashes were terrible, especially when they were around 15 years old), but in Andromeda it served just as well.

The knowledge itself wasn’t enough to stop him though and his legs still carried him towards the cargo bay like a missile. When the door to the Liam’s hideout opened with a soft swoosh, Scott was already reaching his boiling point.

Liam looked startled for a second, but recovered fairly fast, putting the data pad he had been holding back on the table.

“Wouldn’t think it would make you come here just to demand an explanation,” he stated and Scott growled in the back of his throat. No matter how tired he was, the adrenaline probably kicked him back into action without questions. “Which I was trying to give to you twice and you didn’t listen.”

“So far all you said was a bag of dicks,” Scott uttered and refused to listen to the impulse to come closer to the man. He would probably punch him for another weird remark about audience. His only luck was there had been a couch and a table between them. “And trust me, I’d leave you to your moping, but I need you ready. So let’s talk it out.”

“I’m not moping,” Liam opposed and his calm made Scott even angrier. “And I’ll deal.”

“Liam, spill the beans,” Scott urged him impatiently. “If you have a problem with how I handle things-,”

“No,” Liam stopped him with a sigh. “I respect your decisions. This whole shitstorm… look. I watched you die twice. One more time and I’ll call the hierarchy for an emotional abuse.”

“Again with the dying?”

“What if next time you decide it’s no biggie to die you won’t come back?” there was a weird strain in Liam’s voice now. “It took SAM several tries to bring you back.”

“Well-,”

“What if next time it won’t work at all?”

“Are you worried about me?” It came to Scott suddenly when he noticed the tired eyes Liam had, and the restless posture he sported when usually he was like a statue, calm and composed.

“Yes!” the answer came in a short burst and then Liam was moving, circling the table and the couch so he could stand in front of Scott, his shoulders stiff and eyes intense. “My god, do you think I’d claw the roof if I wasn’t?!”

“Well, you were always bit of a social justice warrior…” Scott trailed off and almost jumped out of his skin when Liam’s hands squeezed his face between them, forcing him to looks straight into Liam’s eyes. Very furious, very deep brown eyes that seemed to want something.

“Scott, you have to promise me you won’t do this ever again. Please,” Liam said, his voice low, and Scott felt his heartbeat quicken.

“Pathfinder, your heart rate sped up, do you want me to alert Dr. T’Perro?”

“Not now, SAM,” Scott hissed. He could feel the pulse in his head, quick and a little panicked, but definitely not dangerous. He was alive at least, and it probably made Liam to think this too, because his hands dropped to the sides of Scott’s neck like he was checking for it.

“That’s some crazy beat though,” Liam mumbled, his thumb brushing against Scott’s pulse point, and it sent shivers down Scott’s spine. “For me?”

“No, the guy behind you, smartass,” Scott grumbled and it made Liam chuckle, finally looking more relaxed. The touch stayed though. “So are you going to kiss me or do we stand here for a while longer like two bros?”

This time Liam barked out a laugh and let go, leaving Scott with a rather disappointing bitterness on the tip of his tongue. Well, he was never really good at guessing people’s intentions – or orientation on that matter, so maybe it shouldn’t have been such a surprise.

“Like two bros he says,” he heard the man chuckling and realized he had been cleaning up the sofa from all the armour parts he apparently threw at it before. When the place was empty, he turned back to Scott and offered his hand.

“Uh,” Scott looked at the hand, then at the couch and back at the hand again. “This is not an invitation to build a pillow fort, is it?”

“No pillows,” Liam stated if it wasn’t obvious enough. “I’m not going to ravish you either.”

“Damn, wrong door then,” Scott mockingly took a step back and Liam stepped closer instead, still playing the game. When his invitation wasn’t withdrawn even at that point, Scott took a hold of the hand and let Liam pull him back towards the couch where he sat down and dragged Scott atop of him without any effort, locking his hands on the small of Scott’s back.

“There,” he said victoriously. “Comfortable, bro?”

“Jesus,” Scott rolled his eyes, but laughed anyway. Liam was solid and warm and it was seriously too easy to just dip his head and capture the inviting lips in a kiss.

***

KOSTA.L >>> What else did you think I was? Just nagging you for the sport of it?

RYDER.S <<< I’m used to people nagging me for the sport of it. I learned I’m an easy target for that.

KOSTA.L >>> Seriously, Scott?

RYDER.S <<< I already promised I won’t do it again. I’m sure an emotional abuse would look really bad in my file.

KOSTA.L >>> As if you ever cared what’s in your file. But what I mean by all this – don’t do it again. Please.

RYDER.S <<< Hm.

KOSTA.L >>> What?

RYDER.S <<< Never thought you’re a type to beg, Kosta.

KOSTA.L >>> You don’t know lots of things about me yet, Ryder.

RYDER.S <<< Yet, huh.

KOSTA.L >>> Yeah. But to know me better is your own choice. Just saying I’m willing to share.

RYDER.S <<< I am, um. Willing. To share stuff too.

KOSTA.L >>> To share stuff…

RYDER.S <<< Don’t make fun of me. I’m very sensitive.

KOSTA.L >>> You?

RYDER.S <<< I was the girl in the family, ask Sara.

KOSTA.L >>> Pfff. Go to sleep, Scott.

RYDER.S <<< Oh well, if you insist.

He was tempted to write come give me a good night kiss, but stopped himself in the middle of it. He wasn’t sure if Liam would really deliver in this case, but he could always dream.

***

KOSTA.L >>> How is it going over there?

RYDER.S <<< Depends.

KOSTA.L >>> On?

RYDER.S <<< Do you think Salarian’s neck are easily breakable?

KOSTA.L >>> Tann?

RYDER.S <<< He looks very breakable. But also a little too rubbery. Maybe he’d just stretch to infinity. That would be a bummer, he’d be everywhere.

KOSTA.L >>> Thank you for that eerie mental image.

RYDER.S <<< You’re welcome, I don’t like to suffer alone. At least the rest of Pathfinders is here as well.

KOSTA.L >>> They good?

RYDER.S <<< Pretty solid. Damn the flex Avitus is doing sometimes…

KOSTA.L >>> I mean mentally good. Jesus.

RYDER.S <<< Nothing bad with a nice Turian flex, Kosta.

KOSTA.L >>> Remind me why do I like you again?

RYDER.S <<< Oho. You like me? Now that’s news.

KOSTA.L >>> News, really.

RYDER.S <<< I’m shocked beyond comprehension.

KOSTA.L >>> I think I’ve changed my mind.

RYDER.S <<< From my point of view you probably never really liked me anyway, you just thought it would be fun to rile me up.

KOSTA.L >>> I do think it would be fun to rile you up.

RYDER.S <<< I see right through you.

KOSTA.L >>> Cute.

RYDER.S <<< Always.

“Ryder, if you can please focus,” Tann’s voice made him look up, just to realize everybody had been staring at him.

“Sorry,” he closed the private channel and cleared his throat. “So, the Meridian?”

***

„Cutting the convo in the middle, you have no manners.”

Scott smirked, turning towards the voice coming from behind him. Liam was standing there with a data pad, looking pretty civil, like he was waiting for Scott to get back. It was kind of… sweet.

“Tann was onto me,” Scott offered. “Didn’t want to end up without a data pad and standing in a corner like in school while others would say oh yeah, Ryder, the troublemaker.”

“True, true,” Liam chuckled. “I hope Tann survived?”

“You hope?” Scott crossed his arms on his chest. “Shouldn’t you be supporting me more?”

“That’s why I hope Tann survived,” Liam opposed with a small laugh. “If they put you in jail I wouldn’t be able to support you, would I?”

“You disappoint me.”

“No rasper would help you out, man,” Liam took several steps back, breaching Scott’s personal space with a smile. It made his heart race. “Unless you’d need it for your nails, to look pretty.”

“I always look pretty, Kosta,” Scott countered with a smirk but couldn’t tell anything else, since Liam seized his face in his hands and smooched him right where he stood, almost too gently.

“Yes,” he heard the man whisper to his lips. “Yes, you do.”

Scott was pretty sure the life in Andromeda was going to be awesome.

[i-am-not-my-brother]

20 "How Many Things am I Procrastinating On?” Questions

Tagged by the wonderful @penthesilea1623.  I don’t know the vast majority of my followers (though I love you all and will gladly be a grumpy internet brother to you all) so talk amongst yourselves and figure out who would like to do this next.

1. How tall are you? *SIGH*  Good gravy.  Much to my disappointment, my brothers managed to get to 6′ while I got to be the literal baby of the family at 5′8″.  Words cannot express my disappointment.  I have a permanent short man attitude where I’m willing to fight anyone and everyone.  I’ll toss anyone into a dumpster if they’re mean to you, see if I don’t.

2. What colour and style is your hair?  Officially I’m “strawberry blonde”.  Though if I grow my facial hair out, I turn into a goddamn viking with a blazing red beard.  My middle brother rocks that look already.  Oh, did I mention my hair is also partially pink?  It’s also partially pink.  And shaved short on the sides so I can be aerodynamic?

3. What colour are your eyes?  Boring bright blue.  Always wanted green, brown, or hazel eyes.

4. Do you wear glasses? Technically, yes.  Though I wear contacts during the day.  This being a rainy city most of the year, wearing glasses gets annoying real quick.  I do wear some sweet computer glasses at work.  BAM.

5. Do you wear braces? I actually got braces in my early 30s.  My brother both did theirs in their teen years and I felt left out (utter lie).  Years later and I still wear my retainers every night because, damn it, I paid for these straight teeth.  I’m going to keep them.

6. What is your fashion sense? Wacky and colorful.  I mean, yeah, I got traditional button-down shirts, but I also have swim trunks covered in cats.  I’ve got very manly floral shoes.  I just got a pair of shoes with orange wool plaid.  I fit in well in my city where this sort of nonsense receives praise.  I should not be encouraged.

7. Do you have any siblings? Two older brothers (in their 40s and 50s) and a step-sister (deceased).  I’m your sweet baby brother.

8. What kinda student were/are you?  I was really good at topics that interested me.  I had a mental block against math, so I stubbornly refused to try even though I did well when I had to.  Knowledge that I didn’t want was absorbed on a need-to-know basis.

9. What is your favourite subject?  Science and languages.  I studied Spanish, ASL, Japanese, Ancient Greek, and Latin.

10. Favourite TV shows?  MST3k, How It’s Made, Good Eats, Archer, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, QI.

11. Favourite books?  Wow.  Hmmm.  American Gods, Good Omens, Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, Hogfather, all the Sarah J Maas stuff, Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers, any neuroscience book by VS Ramachandran, and What If? Serious Scientific Answers to Absurd Hypothetical Questions (which I reread whenever I’m on a plane).

12. Favourite pastime? Video games, watching people play video games, talking about video games.  And hiking.  lol

13. Any regrets? My parents never said we should be doctors, lawyers, etc, but I was politely discouraged from pursuing my career in funerary sciences.  I wanted (and still do) want to work as a funeral director or the like.  I’m not a morbid person.  I just have a lot of strong feelings about death.  That... that still sounds weird.  Whatever.  But I’ve been very inspired by Caitlin Doughty recently.  So you cannot get me to shut up about death, the death industry, etc.

14. What is your dream job? See above.  I jumped ahead, apparently.

15. Do you want to get married? Not really.  I mean, I never had dreams of it.  I would not be opposed to being married.  I would rather marry people-- by which I mean I just got my minister certificate and can perform marriages.  That’s a dangerous superpower.

16. Do you want kids? I have two: a dog and a cat.  Of the human variety?  No.  Nonononononononononononono.  I worked as a nanny for my brother’s kids during my early 20s.  That was quite enough, thank you.

17. How many countries have you visited: Mexico, Canada, and Japan.  I’m pretty boring.  I desperately want to go to Romania, though.

18. What’s the scariest dream you’ve ever had?  I have a reoccurring one where I die for other people.  Jump on a grenade, lure zombies away, use some superpower that kills me to save someone I love, etc.  It’s not scary, necessarily.  I just wake up sad and achy every time.

19. Do you have any enemies? Anybody that hurts people I care about.  I make them my goddamn enemy.  >:|

20. Do you have a datemate? I have a lovely girlfriend that I have dated for 5+ years.  It’s long distance, though.  I’m sadly lacking on the cuddles, so if anyone has any completely platonic cuddles to spare, please send them my way.  I’m an A+ hugger.  Lots of experience being a huggable teddy bear.

[sanarambles]

I HAVE NOT DISAPPEARED!

See?! I’m still here! Just have been really busy!  Kids are getting out of school (....The dreaded summer), Hubby is getting ready for a business trip in a few days, and I’ve been scrambling to finish up a fashion project for the Fall.  I’m almost done, just been handling children and trying to calm husband down before he “fursplodes” on me.  

At any rate, it’s been a madhouse at the Ramere household and I haven’t been able to blog about, well, anything!  Hope everyone has been well and having a good summer vacation/graduation/etc.  

The high schoolers here are getting ready for the graduation prom.  They’re more excited about that than the actual graduation. Weird. I guess everyone prefers a dance party over graduating.  Very weird.  Personally, I would be just happy to graduate and move on!  Sure, college is a pain in the ass and can make you go insane (try it 3 times), but it is usually worth it in the end. That degree can open a wide variety of possibilities.  Understandably, there are those who struggle to even attempt to get in--no matter how good the grades, extracurricular activities, etc.--the colleges only focus on those two lousy things: SAT and ACT scores.  

Why? I don’t know. It’s stupid in my personal opinion.  Sure, you may have volunteered at the local soup kitchen every day, but that low SAT isn’t going to get you anywhere! Move on!  (I’ve had that happen to me once. I was off by one point. ONE. POINT. But I didn’t volunteer at a soup kitchen; it was an animal shelter and the people were really nice and the animals were the sweetest things around! I fell in love! T_T Too bad I had to leave when I left for college. Dang it.) 

So, yeah, depending on where you go, it’s gonna be competitive and hellacious to get in.  If you’re planning on one of them Ivy League schools, good luck. My sister-in-law had to get in on a volleyball scholarship and was only there for two years only to be disappointed and eventually moved back to California to enroll at UCSB (University of California at Santa Barbara).  My business degree (a Master’s) is from there, but the other two are elsewhere. 

My husband also graduated from there with his degree in Mechanical Engineering while interning at his current company for about a year. He was quite content, considering he liked it a lot.  For me, it was just about trying to move up my business and eventually do more things than just fashion. 

Everyone has their preference in what they want to do, achieve, and succeed at. We’re all not going to be nuclear scientists or world famous chefs. We just have to know what our limits are and what we’re good at.  If we don’t want to go to college, then that’s our choice. Hell, it took me a while to decide to go. I didn’t know if I could get in--at all.  (Yes, even the supernatural have their doubts. Surprised?)  But eventually I sucked it up and did it. 

So, I wish luck to those pursing their dreams. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s worth the challenge. It truly is. No matter what it is, just do it and you’ll be the best you can be. :D 

College may not be for you and that’s fine as well.  Not saying it is. Not everyone can afford that tuition (where I work when I teach Business/Music, it is insane. They raise it up every goddamn year) and have to rely on financial aid and/or student loans, and in consequentially, have to pay that BS back because, ya know, Government.  Nothing is free. Nothing. 

I know people who still have 10,000 dollars in student loans--and they’ve been out of school for, like, 15 years!  So, yeah, be careful when you ask for a student loan, you never know how much you’re going to have to pay back. Scary. O_o 

I’m not trying to discourage anyone from going to college. No way, Jose. I’m just saying it’s not easy. Apply to as many as you can. Hell, go to a community college (usually a lot cheaper) and get the stuff you need to transfer to a University or wherever you go.  

Again, I wish everyone luck to those High Schoolers who are graduating soon or have already. ;)  Also, I’m wishing those who are graduating college and are heading out to the real world--Holy shit! It’s going to be a wild ride, but y’all can do it! ;) 

Best Wishes, 

Sana

PS: Education...no, Logic is key! :D LOGICCCC, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!! XD