#i wrote this but i also did not

[fatalistickiss]

MATRIMONIAL DOGMA

seonghwa x married!reader

summary ; You are not a good woman. Born poor and bitter, you were picked up by a wealthy and good man for your brand of intellect and wit which wasn't confident or bright but was skeptical and negative. Of course, there's no happy ending for glum gwens like you. After ten years of your promising youth married, your husband does what many husbands do and grows even more distant than he already was. When things appear grim though, your senior high friend who's been a famous pop star this entire time appears at the most convenient place for blooming affairs.

wc ; 8.9k

tags ; cheating, canon compliant (eh) seonghwa, afab reader, not very good with tags uhhh!! doggy style in a shitty motel (ok its not shitty at all but the sentence looks funny let me be), unprotected sex (yk the standard drill always use a condom), breeding/creampies/i genuinely dont know the difference, cunnilingus, missionary, oral (both receiving and giving), reader is suffering from "success" (being married to a rich dude), conspiring to murder, reader has shitty eyesight and wears glasses, descriptions of blood and violence, lmk if i forgot any 👍

disclaimer : please do not do any of the following, if you're unsatisfied with your irl relationship then do the mature thing which is to break up/divorce. and also please dont murder people that is (unfortunately) illegal.

Where do you start? Oh right, so you're at this bar, alone. Your hair and appearance is all done but what's missing on your face is the beauty that they see clinging onto the arms of pigs with pens made of gold. Swishing the near empty glass of hennessy, you simultaneously readjust your glasses. If a man wanted to approach you right now, he would. If your husband wanted to fuck you and think of you as he does so tonight, he would.

Well, what do you care about your husband anyway? You already have a high position thats pays well at your office job and close connections with others in your part of society. So what if he ditches you for someone younger and better and then you get labeled by the media as someone who didn't know or appreciate what she had until she lost it? ... Now you know. That's the thing.

There's those unhealthy thoughts again, you look at your watch to see the time; 8:36 P.M. You aren't a kid anymore and you don't live with the concept of "curfew", but you do want to be the best wife possible so you can at least fall from grace and be brought back in some next few decades to be hailed a scorned woman who did no wrong. You laugh hoarsely at the thought, maybe there'd be some good to it after all. But you don't intend on facing that initial wave of shame just yet.

Enter Park Seonghwa, a man who you've made quite fair acquaintance with in senior highschool. News has it he's now a member of the famous boy group "ATEEZ". He's been on your radar for quite some time, but not because you're thinking of fucking another man before your husband can fuck another woman. That thought hasn't occurred to you yet. He's still in your contacts, but how you'll approach this guy is still a plan in the works.

But that won't be necessary tonight. The sound of shoes tapping around the cement floor of this bar has been completely tuned out of your ears, so you don't notice when someone sits down on the chair next to you.

"Long time no see, Y/N." you hear a familiar voice call out; slowly, you turn to your left and find the man himself before you. You are very reasonably shocked and flinch at the sight of him. How could you be so sure that this Seonghwa is the real deal? He's not wearing anything that could obscure his identity, is he not at all concerned about whatever insane spies news outlets have? Or could this just be a marketing scheme planned between both your company and his company that you for some reason weren't informed about in advance?

"Ah, hi..." you wave, with each time your palm swayed you grew increasingly aware of your face's cells. He chuckles in response, "You've changed quite a bit from the last time we saw each other." "People aren't still images, if that helps." you quip, taking a sip out of your near-empty glass. Seonghwa tosses a glance your way, to which you add on, "Just messing with you." Softly he smiles. "I heard you're married?" he suddenly admits, your movement halting for a brief second. "Indeed, I am. Do you know my husband?" "I've also heard of him, he's the CEO of a prominent property management company here, right?" You nod, making eye contact with him as you both spoke.

Looking back to your glass, you find that it is now completely empty. After you ask the bartender for a refill, Seonghwa watches you with intent. "It's a shame honestly," he sighs dreamily, "A woman like you, married to such a simple man." "What do you mean by that?" you immediately ask after nearly choking a little on your drink. "Ah, i'm not insulting you. It's just that..." his gaze strays a little as his knuckles lightly press against his lips, "You always seemed bored in your photos together. Surely, you must not be having much fun in your marriage if you don't even smile once being seen with him.." You don't interject, letting the idol dig at your husband for as long as he'd like. It's not like he's too wrong, after all. In fact, dare you say it's even amusing that a man who has such a kind and caring reputation to uphold would even be so bold as to talk shit about a wealthy man to that man's own wife.

Your mood brightened by this encounter you've subconsciously needed for so long, you take one long sip as you listen to Seonghwa point out all of your husband's weak points as a person; it's music to your ears, as they say. Shortly after, you join him in this bashing, even letting the star in on some of his most humiliating of secrets. This conversation is something that could only be heard by the both of you and the bartender, who you're already well acquainted with and can just pay to shut up should anybody ask what went down here.

In the middle of your incessant giggling and dragging, your phone dings. You quickly pause your conversation and check what it could be—a text message from the man himself. Unaware of Seonghwa's sudden switch in facial expression from gleeful to grim, you excuse yourself to read the text.

this guy again: what time will you be home tonight? mother says she's worried somebody might do something to you.

this guy again: oh, on top of that we will also be going out tomorrow to visit them.

You sigh, pinching your nose bridge as you try to think of a good response so you don't look like you're taking his family's kindness for granted. In fact, one of the few remaining good things about this man is that his side of the family actually likes you as an inlaw. Before you two got married you were very much from a poor background yes, but the same reason he married you back then is also the same reason his parents also liked you and still like you today. That's what you explain to Seonghwa after apologizing to him for the hold up. "I can tell they genuinely mean well, it's just that their son could find a nicer lady any day now and..." you pause. Why are you so worried about something like that in the first place? Other wives don't have to deal with harrowing fears of their husbands cheating. After all,

there are other ways he could leave you for dead, alone and nothing.

"You don't love him anymore, Mrs. L/N." Seonghwa claims, his hand on your back. This is undoubtedly true. It dawned on you how he could take everything from you should he not want you anymore. Your job, your money, and your name. Not once did you consider the love you could have had for him, because it was never there to begin with. How did you go all those years without that sort of revelation? You turn to Seonghwa, handsome in this lighting. Are you that sort of person now? His hand crawls up your spine and to the back of your head, urging you to come closer on your own volition. Well, it wouldn't hurt you at all. Giving in, you hold his face and kiss him. The moment your lips press together, he holds you for an embrace. You pull away for a moment to ask, "Do any of your group members know you're here?" "They don't have to. Let me be your secret."

That was good enough for you to go with him. Luckily, your face or style of dress isn't all too remarkable or distinguishable from any other woman having a fun night out. All you do is slap back on your mask and the two of you sneak to his car. Hopping into the front passenger seat, you voice out a thought, "This is going to sound really dumb, but it feels a little bit weird knowing that some idols have their own cars.." Naturally, whenever an idol or idol group travels, publicly they're shown accompanied by their members or staff. That sentiment was indeed not very smart, and while you weren't at all completely oblivious to the k-pop scene and how insane some fan statements and beliefs can get, there were some parts to it that stuck with you subconsciously. Which is why you were surprised at yourself for even thinking that it would be weird for a grown adult to have their own car. "I get you. Most of the time I do just use the company car or walk to go somewhere." he laughs.

Perhaps it's because you're an inexperienced cheater, but you feel something heavy coming down on you as he drives. You know that you're making a very huge mistake, one that will eventually not end up biting you in the ass so hard they'll make movies out of it. But at the same time, it feels exhilarating. After all, this isn't just any guy that you're going to two time with, it's a beautiful artist with tons of applause to his name. Maybe just this one night you'll go and tomorrow it'll be just the past between you two and nobody will ever find out.

The two of you end up at your destination which is a rather simple love hotel, not that you were complaining. It isn't mediocre but it isn't luxury like your husband would take you to during vacations. Humbling yourself however, you shrug it off; although you are a bit worried about the possibilities of someone working here accidentally ratting you out while talking to a coworker during lunch hours, Seonghwa puts a hand over your shoulder and gives you a reassuring smile as you both enter to check in.

The entire time that he was talking to the lady at the front desk, you felt slight tingles which you merely brush off as the cold air sweeping over your bare skin. It was a simple few minutes or less process that felt like an entire hour had swept by. You inhaled and exhaled a huge sigh of relief when you two finally got to the elevator. Now, you aren't going to turn back. Very much so are you open to the idea of night dancing with this fine man. Getting off the elevator and finally entering your room, he asks you if you want to take a bath first, as to which you politely decline and let him go before you. While you wait, you sit on the bed and check your phone for any updates. You didn't open your phone to look at the message so that means your husband didn't get the read notification; which you thank your earlier self for. This does mean though that he added more while you two made the trip.

9:12 P.M

this guy again: if you're too drunk to make the journey back home yourself, dont worry. i sent yujun to pick you up. he should be there any minute now, so stay where you are i will also notify your bartender friend not to let you go anywhere.

Your stomach drops to the ground floor. Yujun is your personal driver though, and to seem the least class traitor as you could be being a successful office woman married to a landlord, you have also made good friends with him; therefore, you calm down a little knowing you could stop him before it's too late. But you also stiffen up again knowing that you can't just tell this guy not to pick you up from the bar. You can trust that the bartender wouldn't tell a single soul what you just did, but your personal driver who also drives for your husband is also another story. Quickly, you open the app and go straight to Yujun's contact. You call him so as to not leave a single trace of evidence on your phone or his phone that you said anything about this; and luckily he picks up.

"Yes, ma'am?" "Yujun, i'm sure you got Daeho's order to pick me up from Babylon, but I met Heera there and she wanted to invite me to her and Yang's place for the night. My phone just so happened to die out before I could tell him about this which is why I didn't tell him first. Be a dear for me and relay the message, okay? I'll be home next morning, and tell Mrs. Lee that I love her and her homemade samgyeopsal. Thanks." you hang up immediately before he could say a word, but rest assured that Heera would most definitely have your back behind all this, even if she has no idea that you finally heeded her advice from seven years ago the first time you brought up your husband's distance.

Seonghwa hops out of the shower as soon as you finally relax. You look to the open bathroom door, the steam flying out of it like a legendary item had just been unboxed. As it clears, there he is, tightening the robe he's now wearing. He is very clearly handsome, and that is only exemplified by his utterly stellar appearance fresh from the heat of a warm shower. Locking eyes with you, he smiles and lets you know, "It's your turn. Sorry for the wait." With that, you nod and walk to the bathroom, being greeted by the nice warmth left by him.

Waiting for you, Seonghwa lays on the bed, resting his head on his hand. He didn't tell you why he was there or why he wanted to do this, but he's happy regardless that you agreed so easily. It does seem like his initial suspicions about your marriage were indeed true. Part of him does feel bad that a friend that he hasn't seen for so long was trapped in a marriage that isn't even worth the salt of being toxic or unhealthy, just absence from both sides for years. But the other part of him is also over the clouds at this opportunity. His phone at this time also receives a call from his group's leader. "Hello?" he says, picking it up knowing the question that's going to proceed next.

"Seonghwa, where are you? Our manager's been wondering when you're going to come back to the dorm." "I'm at an old friend's place. Tell him i'll be back by tomorrow." he hums. "Okay. Be safe." "Thanks, Hongjoong. See you then." The call ends, and he is still waiting for you.

Inside the bathroom, you're already finished but you try to think things over a bit as you look into the mirror. Taking off the shower cap, you let your hair finally free as you stare long and hard at the face that's supposed to be yours. Is this the face of an unfaithful wife? Your hand finds itself on your cheek, seemingly as a way to ensure that you are currently here. But then you remember, and that's all it takes for you to decide that this is what you truly want. Still, you don't question why Seonghwa would approach you so suddenly. When you come out, you find Seonghwa sitting there and his face lighting up as soon as you appear before him.

"Come here." he urges, gesturing with his finger. You obey, and crawl onto the bed and into his hold. Your face burns up a little being this close to him, you knew this man and you'd never thought something like this would happen between you two. He grins and plays a bit with your hair, "Pretty... Should I take you here now?" "Isn't that what's supposed to happen?" "It is." he answers before undoing his robe, revealing his bare body. He quickly bundles up the robe and tosses it to the side; pinning you down onto the mattress after you shyly stumbled to take yours off too. "You'll be seeing stars by the end of it all." Seonghwa giggles as he undresses you. Your nude form now out in the open before a man that you are not married to, your entire face begins to feel like it's been set on fire.

Slowly, Seonghwa lowers down to in between your legs, lightly pushing them apart so he'd have an easier time eating you out. The second you feel his tongue on your heat, your spine jolts up. Continuously, he licks at your cunt and then goes so far as to begin sucking on your clit. Such a sensation had you making light breathing noises before, now it has you moaning—something that you previously weren't even aware you could do without it being forced. He pulls your body in closer, his tongue now entering inside your pussy. A hand weak at the rush of ecstasy finds itself tugging on silk raven locks of hair as the other arm tries to support the rest of your body. The night had only just begun and yet you could already feel yourself rapidly approaching orgasm. Before that actually happens though, Seonghwa pulls away leaving you to look at him with a concerned expression—then he pulls you downward, face to face with his hard on. You don't need an explanation as to what he wants you to do now, do you?

With what strength he left you with from that first bout, you adjust yourself properly and take hold of his shaft with one hand and slowly take it into your mouth. It's overall thickness and length was fine, which is your shy way of saying that you could already feel your innards making way for this thing. Getting down to the base was a bit of a challenge, but luckily you're able to push through. Sucking on it, you bobbed your head up and down as you could hear the sound of Seonghwa getting off to what you were currently doing. When he ejaculates, you feel a rush of a familiar stringy white fluid shoot down into your throat and you swallow it. He continues to stroke it as you cupped your breasts with your mouth still wide open, your face and cleavage area being doused in his semen. This night is still far from over. Seeing as your glasses were soiled by the liquid, you nonchalantly place it on the nightstand and proceed.

Next, you get on all fours and spread one of your asscheeks; giving him another full view of your rear. Eagerly, he takes hold of your ass and slides the tip up and down your slit before sliding it in; which elicits a small gasp from you before he starts fully pounding into your hole, making you clench the sheets below you. Very quickly, a clear white fluid begins gushing out of your cunt. Glorified piss spills out with each time his hips snapped against your behind. With how fast he's doing you, you can't help but let yourself fully go; your mouth agape as saliva seeps out. This would be absolutely humiliating to remember, you think to yourself. But you can't stop, not when you're feeling this good. You only just notice that you two aren't using a condom when he pulls out, the sensation dipping only slightly as soon as you felt like you were going to cum.

"Turn over." he pants, sweat glistening down the side of his forehead. You oblige, lying down flat on the mattress. Seonghwa then pushes up the both of your legs and gets back to work down there. Being face to face with him as he does such things to you makes you feel even more tingly than before, resulting in you trying to look away—only for him to kiss you. His saliva permeates onto your tongue, pushing you even closer towards a full orgasm. You try to let him know, but you can't speak with his mouth on yours; your hands immediately flying to his back, your nails starting to dig into his flesh. It's there, you can feel it, the feeling of pure ecstasy that you haven't felt in so, so long. Seonghwa's lips are so, so soft. Your legs cross, pulling him in even closer. The steel clawing of your nails is now starting to draw blood, yet he doesn't stop.

When your lips finally separate from eachother, you can't even utter a single word; only mumbling incoherent sounds and pulling him even closer and tighter into your embrace. One of your hands makes its way to the back of his head and tugs on his hair strongly as you finally came. Your back arches as you're overwhelmed by the pleasure washing over your entire body and inside it. The sound that comes out of you is completely distinguishable from the woman you normally regard yourself as. Right now, you don't have time to worry about the fact that you look absolutely debauched.

In need of some rest before continuing, you let Seonghwa rest his head on your bare chest; your hand placed gently on his hair as he talks with you. "Y/N, are you on birth control?" "... No." you breathe, a slight bit of regret to your tone. This understandably thickens the air around you two a bit. But you already know exactly what you're going to do if you get pregnant and it rhymes with torsion. ".. My apologies, I got too careless there.." he says, but in all honesty you're just wondering why you didn't marry this man—even if neither of you even thought this would or could happen at all at first. The way you remember Seonghwa was a total sweetheart, hell you were one of the girls crushing on him at one very brief point; even so, you found much more satisfaction being just someone he sometimes hung out with then. To think that it would all come down to this, I guess you could say you felt a small tinge of glory inside. But you don't think you love him, he's as cute as you and everybody else from your highschool remembers him—but you're not sure if you could see yourself making him your number one.

"It's alright. I'll be able to handle it fine by myself." you whisper, playing around with some of the semen in between your fingers. He doesn't believe you, but you're married and he's not. Although a little sore and tired, you still recovered enough to sit up and excuse yourself to go wash the cum off your face. After all, you most certainly wouldn't want to experience the effect it would have on your hair should you let it dry.

With you out of his sight, Seonghwa sighs and sits properly against the pillows. The sting of your scratching then surges into him. Hissing from the initial onset of pain, he then notices the blood left by your nails.

As soon as you were about to open the bathroom door, Seonghwa beats you to it, and you see the bloody mess left by yourself. Under the realization of what you did earlier, you feel the clear need to apologize, to which he stops you from doing so kindly and just heads to the shower. Of course, the scratches may be minor, but you can't help but feel like you have to at least help him somewhat. You make the decision to step into the shower to his surprise and offer to help wash his back. He doesn't give you a response, but still gives you a small nod. Unbeknownst to you, his face is blushing, clearly flustered by this reasonable act of kindness from you. "This might sting a bit, sorry.." you say, about to start scrubbing the soap bar on his wounds. "I.. It's fine..." he mumbles, letting out a small wince after feeling the soap initially soak into his skin. It very quickly stops though as you quickly make sure you cover all the areas and immediately rinse it off, grabbing the shower head from behind him to make it faster. "I'm not sure if this hotel has a first aid kit, but i'll do what I can. After all the scratches don't look that deep..." you tell him, putting the shower head down. Seonghwa looks back and gives you a small smile, "Thanks." Subconsciously, you smile too.

Back on the bed, you lay on your side as Seonghwa looks out at the starry sky. "The sky looks gorgeous tonight. Do you wanna see?" "If I wanted to look at stars, I could simply look up pictures of a starry sky." you hum, browsing your twitter feed. "I personally think that stars look better when you see them in person." he says, still watching the sky. "I totally agree." you joke. Having caught up with the weird happenings all over the world packed into your phone today, you turn it off and prepare to go to sleep; although you aren't really feeling sleepy at all. Shortly, Seonghwa gets back into bed with you, running one hand down your side. "Are you going to sleep now?" he asks. "No." you answer, your hand that your head was resting on earlier stretching out after it was starting to feel numb. Suddenly and slowly, Seonghwa takes hold of one of your legs and raises it. "Still in the mood?" "Yes."

He puts it in, and you can feel it getting harder as he pushes it inside. His movements this time are slow but with just as much passion as before. You use your left hand to pull him in for a kiss, the room being filled with nothing but the sound of you making love to another man behind your husband's constantly turned back.

The night fades as it walks.

Next morning, you make it home safely without looking the least bit suspicious as you notified Heera first thing in the early morning at 6:43 A.M about your whereabouts, your alibi, and to not notify a single person—not even her husband—about what went on that night. You and Seonghwa parted ways, with you thanking him with a kiss on the cheek before going with your friend who was over the moon (in a quiet way so as to not alert anybody).

On the way home, your thoughts are filled with last night's memories. You trust that Yujun complied to your abrupt request that night, well, surely he must have, right? Too deep in thought, you fail to notice when you've already come back to your home. Before you exit the car, Heera grabs your wrist. When you look back, you see a woman so happy that she could start incoherently screaming—but instead, she gives you a tearful thumbs up and lets you go.

When you finally come inside, you find your husband sitting on the couch with a single paper on the table in front of him. You freeze at the sight—groaning obscenities inside your head as you think the worst. Slowly past the servants, you try to walk to the stairs to head to your room; but he catches you before you could do so.

"Y/N." he calls out. Immediately, you start thinking of sliding down to your knees and pleading for forgiveness. But when you answer to his call, he hands you the paper. "Are you okay? Don't tell me you drank again this morning." he cocks his brow seeing your grave expression, to which you quickly brush it off as the morning air being so cold that even your arms got cold under your sleeves. Being handed the paper, you see that it isn't really what you expected it to be. Then your husband explains what it is, "Yujun told me that Heera took you to her house last night, and that you wanted to tell my mom that you love the samgyeopsal she makes. So I told her that and in return at around 6:40 this morning she sent me this letter that's supposed to be for you."

Relieved, you nod along and read the contents of the letter. It was just a sweet message from your mother-in-law for the small note you added at the end of your favor to Yujun. You can't help but genuinely smile reading all the nice things she has to say to and about you. All of this.. makes your stomach sick. Now what you have done is starting to weigh in on you, but not for your husband—but for the people who believe that you are not such a person. "I see. I'm happy that Mrs. Lee was happy to hear what I had to say." "Of course she's happy, you are the first woman i've had in my life that she likes this much." Without further ado, you're allowed to go back up to your room to dress into some comfy home clothes.

You both share a bedroom, but due to the large expanse of your home you've made the room next to your bedroom your personal hangout. Setting down the plastic bag containing your underwear, you undress and toss both your clothing from last night along with last night's underwear into the basket. Lounging down on the chair next to the window naked, you can get a nice view of the pool from here. After a brief second of rest, you stand back up and look into the second closet that you own in search of something to wear. While you're putting on your leggings though, you are still brought to think about last night. You have to get ready again in about a few hours. For now, you ponder what you should do now. You could forget, surely Seonghwa would move on from this fairly easily as well. Mindlessly, you spin around in your chair until the maids tell you that breakfast is ready. You wonder why they still made breakfast for you when you just came home from a friend's house, but you shrug it off—it is actually your first real meal of the day.

The morning Seonghwa comes back to the dorm, the members are all minding their own business. Wooyoung is the first to greet him.

"Ah! Welcome back, Seonghwa!" he beams, hugging him tight. Seonghwa pats Wooyoung's back and greets the other members good morning. They suspect nothing, after all he did say he was just at an old friend's place. It's still quite early in the morning, and their schedule for the day doesn't start until later so he still has time to switch into something comfortable.

Much later in the day, you have now prepared to go outside with your husband to your parents-in-law's home. During the drive there, your husband as usual is looking absentmindedly outside the window while you.. sit there. With what you've done you have now relegated yourself to the acceptance of the fact that you no longer have any right to try and pursue his participation in this relationship. A small hopeful part of you still wishes that for some odd reason he starts paying more affectionate attention to you out of seemingly nowhere now, but you know that's not going to happen; and you're right. Maybe you should really just divorce him, it's not like you had too many good memories with him. After all, you have Seonghwa now. But you are very well acquainted with the saying "you lose them how you get them", and the degree of his devotion to you is still very uncertain. Although, you could do some things to ensure that he won't ever leave your side...

Having finally arrived outside their front gate; when your husband rings the doorbell, the gates suddenly maneuver open and your mother in law suddenly appears and holds you in for a deep embrace. "Y/N! My sweet dear Y/N! It's been so long since you and Daeho last visited! Did you get my letter? Ah, you really are such a sweet girl!" she continues showering you with compliments as you and Daeho both walk into his parents' just as lavish living space. His father politely greets you and naturally you greet him back, showing off your perfected 90° bow. "You know, I was actually just thinking of making samgyeopsal for our meetup today last night and then Daeho called me telling me what you wanted to say! Everyday, I can't help but feel so proud that my son had found such a stunning and perfect wife!" "Ahaha, i'm so glad you think that way, Mrs. Lee! I really do mean it when I say I love your cooking, but i'm not so sure if I can agree with me being a perfect wife.." you say, a hundred percent of those words actually being true. "How many times must I tell you? You can call me mom! And oh, don't be so shy my dear.. Any man in the world would be so lucky to have a woman like you as his wife!" she giggles gleefully. His dad then chimes in, "Indeed. Your mother-in-law and I are eternally happy that you came into our son's life. Your pure heart and your demure soul is one in a million."

You can't help but feel somewhat embarrassed, his parents seem to be more in love with you than he is with you. "Oh, you're both too kind. In fact, i'm already happy just knowing that i'm married to such a wonderful man and blessed with in-laws like you.." Before they could both continue with their incessant praise, Daeho puts a stop to it. "Yes, my wife is amazing. But we won't get anywhere with this meeting if we keep going back and forth." In any other context this would be seen as an asshole move but in all honesty you are just insanely glad somebody put an end to it.

Without further ado, the food is brought to the dining table and it's several larger-than-normally-provided-for-just-a-simple-lunch-with-in-laws courses for only four people. Of course, you immediately aim for the samgyeopsal which is further to your husband's left while you're on his further right. You quietly get his attention and ask for the serving plate, to which he obliges. The problem with you two isn't that you argue, but you simply don't talk enough to even have the energy or spite to. He tolerates you, and you tolerate him. Your phone is on the table, face up, and off. While you're thoroughly enjoying the food as your husband talks with his parents about recent events in life, your phone suddenly lights up with a notification. Normally, the reason why you have your phone out is in the case of an emergency. Checking the notification and who it's from however, you instantly put it face down on your lap. "And what about you, Y/N?" "Huh—" "Anything interesting happening at your workplace?" your father in law asks. "Hmmm, not really, haha. Just functioning as it always does."

The rest of the afternoon goes fairly well, but the entire time you felt all sorts of negative emotions ranging from immense guilt and nervousness all on your lap.

Walking to the car, Daeho suddenly questions, "Where are your glasses, by the way?"

Fuck.

Your hands fly all over your face, and then you realize that you forgot your damn glasses at that hotel. It's just a wonder how you didn't end up accidentally tripping over something for the entire several hours that you weren't wearing it. "... Oh shit." you mutter. "I-i'll call Heera, maybe she has it." "Okay, but do it at home."

The drive home consisted of your husband being completely oblivious to the abomination that your mental state is right now, and you staring dead outside the window with a powerful sense of dread lurching in your abdomen. To escape this somewhat, you finally decide to check your phone and read what Seonghwa sent you.

Seonghwa: hey, you left your glasses at the hotel so I kept them. do you want to come get them?

Pinching your nose bridge, you sigh and reply. However, before you hit send, you suddenly change your mind and backspace rapidly.

You: I have something different in mind. But first, no. If possible, please come to my house with the glasses at 10:15 or later. My husband goes to sleep at around 9:45. I'll make sure that im the one to answer the door.

Seonghwa: alright. I dont have much time to talk with you more so i'll see you then 💕

Cute. He sent you a heart emoji.

When you finally come home, your first instinct is to rush up to your personal hideout, change clothes, and wait. You expected to go home at 1:00 P.M but all that chit chat postponed that to six in the evening. Considering how you only got four hours of sleep and chose to power through the day making the fact that you did not have your glasses all the more egregious, you decide that now would be the time to take a nice nap to use up your freetime for today.

At around 10:00 sharp, Seonghwa prepares to go outside, your glasses safe in a spare empty box he found lying around.

"You're going out again?" Yeosang sleepily asks, catching his hyung in the act of leaving. "Yeah. The same friend I was with last night forgot their glasses so i'm just giving it back to them." "Oh ok..." With that Seonghwa leaves. After dragging his feet back to his own room, Yeosang goes, "Wait. How could his friend forget their own glasses at their own home..?" Again like last night, Seonghwa opts to drive his own car which is parked right beside the company one. Whenever pictures are taken outside the building, fans always assume that car belongs to another employee.

You wake up at 10:21, much later than you assumed you'd wake up but in time to know that Seonghwa's here now. Creeping downstairs barefoot, you tiptoe all the way to the door, hastily opening it as fast as you can. There he is, he gives you the box containing your glasses—which is all that you needed from him. However, on an impulse, you look around cautiously before inviting him in. Since you and your husband aren't on vacation to somewhere else and as soon as you came home, the servants have turned off the surveillance cameras. This you know since one of the maids woke you up in the middle of your nap to inform you. Convenient how everything just falls into place. "Do you want a drink?" "Just water will do." Seonghwa answers, taking off his hood and mask. You nod and then go to fetch him a cup.

Sitting down right next to him in jogging pants and a tank top that barely covers your bra, you drink the cup of water that you also got for yourself. He in turn has also discarded his hoodie, and drinks the cup that you got for him. "It's been a while, hasn't it?" "It was last night." "No, I mean since we last saw each other before that." you say, setting the cup down on the table. "Yeah." his eyes clearly on your bust area. Well, it's not like you two could talk a whole lot about the time you've spent together in high school. You had a crush him for four weeks which was initially why you were hanging out with him in the first place. Even then, you didn't talk all that much in class or just in general. You mostly saw eachother at lunch or at dismissal. You just both knew that the other existed.

It's not like you invited him in for sentimental chat anyway. You look at him while he looks at you. "Do you want me to waste your time, baby?" "Please. He already does that to me daily."

With that same fond smile, he unzips his pants and pulls out his dick. It's already hard, and you don't know how long it's been that way. Nevertheless, you get on the floor and between his legs. You lick your lips before taking him in. Slowly, your head moves up and down. In no time, his cock is already practically drenched in your spit. Gradually, your pace quickens, making him toss his head back and letting out a quiet gasp. When he finally cums, you swallow down every single drop of it—licking up any residue from your lips.

Standing and turning around, you pull down your jogging pants along with your panties, revealing how wet you've gotten just from sucking him off. His hands go onto your hips to guide you as you sit down on his still erect cock. You are playing a way riskier and more dangerous gambit than last night. Seonghwa bites his lip to suppress any sounds, just tightly holding onto your hips as you bounced on his lap. It's peculiar, how you went from being absolutely guilt ridden for the entire day to doing it again tonight without any hesitation. Together, you both reach climax—your love fluids gushing out from underneath you and spilling all over his dick, the strength of your orgasm causing you to clench your knees together.

Considering how you both didn't want to up the risk any further, you go to the bathroom without your pants to clean yourself up.

Returning to the living room, you wonder if you should let Seonghwa go for the night, so you ask him if he wants to stay. "But your husband's here?" he looks at you with confusion. "I have an extra room where he doesn't go to that you can hide in for the night. But if you want to go back to your dorm that's fine as well." You make it clear that you both have choices here, and that you won't make any fuss should he decide to leave. But to your surprise, he chooses to stay. After putting back on your pants, you quietly lead him upstairs to where your personal space is. "I took a nap here while waiting for you. You can sleep on the bed over there." you point to the spare bed right behind the chair you sat on this morning.

That's where he ends up sleeping for the night while you watch. In time though, you also end up falling asleep again. Once you wake up, it's already nine in the morning. Apparently as he usually does, your husband had left for other important matters without telling you. Before, this would put you off immensely, often feeding into your fears about him having found someone on the side. But you're just relieved that he never checks in on you first. In this situation now that would be hazardous. You find that Seonghwa is also awake, as he's currently sitting in front of you. "Mh, wait here. I'll talk with the maids." Downstairs, you can smell the aroma of freshly made pancakes. Perfect, you could just ask for two on your plate. After briefly greeting the maids good morning and receiving the two pancakes on your plate in question, you head back upstairs.

As you both eat breakfast, you catch Seonghwa glancing over from time to time to outside your window and at the pool. "Is something wrong?" "Ah, no.. I was just looking at the pool you have outside there, it looks nice." he says, finishing up his plate. You end up letting him use the second bathroom downstairs which was where you went to wash yourself up the night before. Meanwhile, after doing your business in the bathroom on this floor, you put on some more presentable clothes—namely, your usual office attire. You have work only in the later morning during the near end of the month, so you still have some time before you have to go. Meeting Seonghwa downstairs in the living room, you find him looking outside at the pool again. "Do you want to go swim?" you raise your brow.

He did. As you stand on the side with your folder over your head to shield your eyes from the morning sun despite spring only having begun, Seonghwa's having the time of his life fooling around in the water. The sun does calm down though and you put your folder down to look at your watch. Still a bunch of time left before you have to part ways again. Instead of sitting down on one of the chairs, you choose to continue standing, observing as your shirtless new boytoy has fun in your pool. In the middle of watching him however, you wonder if he told any of his group mates that he was going to be gone for this long.

Eventually, time comes and you have to bid your temporary farewells. "Seonghwa." "Hm?" "I have work today, therefore i'll have to go and so will you. Thank you for last night and the other night." you smile. "Let me drive you there." he says, splashing the water around him as he jumps to your feet. "Huh? Oh, that won't be necessary. Yujun should be here any minute now—" "I want to spend more time with you." You stare at him blankly, genuinely surprised to hear the words that came out of his mouth. Needless to say, you agree and call Yujun to tell him that a friend would be driving you to work today instead.

While he drives, you ponder giving him the directions to the quickest shortcut you know from your home to your office. But he did say that he wanted to spend more time with you. Despite that, you both barely say anything during the drive there. While you were looking through the window, Seonghwa would look at you with a certain gaze.

When you finally get there, you get out of the car and take a single step forward before looking back at him. Before you leave, you crawl back inside for a brief moment to kiss him again. With that, you both go back to your own lives.

You happen to be right on time, getting off the elevator at the exact time that you're supposed to be here. As you walk to your personal office, you greet everyone as you usually do. Like any normal day, you hear small chatter amongst your coworkers, but you never pay any mind to it since it's their business. Sometimes you eavesdrop just a tiny bit to hear what the goods are. As you put your hand on the door however, a woman approaches you.

"Hello! You must be Mrs. L/N, right?" People randomly approaching you isn't anything new, especially if it's a new employee. "Yes. That's me, may I help you with anything?" you answer, facing her completely. "Oh, Mr. Nam hasn't introduced me to you yet! I'm Song Mira!" she grins, extending her hand out to you. Mr. Nam. Nam Daeho. Your husband? You slowly nod and shake her hand. Surely there's other men with the surname Nam in your department who have some sort of obligation to introduce people to you. "I see. What brings you here? The day has just started." "Oh, actually, your husband and I have been great friends for quite some time now—" What? You know all of your husband's friends whether they be close or mere acquaintances. But, you give yourself the benefit of the doubt; surely, they must not talk too often if he hasn't thought of introducing her to you first. "Are you okay, miss? You look—" "I.. I'm fine. Apologies, continue." "As I was saying, Mr. Nam wanted me to tell you that he'll be away for a trip for the next entire month." As suspicious as this would be had your relationship been any healthier than it isn't, you know that your husband couldn't care less to let you be the one to know first, that's just how it goes for you two. He'll let a random stranger on the street know where he's going and when he'll be back before he tells you upfront, instead he sends people or texts to relay the message. Therefore, you brush it off and thank Mira for informing you.

The bright young lady skips off and you enter your office. You may have seemed cool about it, but inside you were still fretting about the relationship between that woman and Daeho. All sorts of thoughts, fears, and scenarios play out in your head as you try to keep it together. Your fingers curl at the thought that Daeho did already beat you to the punch of infidelity. You may be no better, but at least you didn't do it out of nothing but pure lust. As you type away on your desktop, you can feel your teeth pinching the flesh of your thumb and your sight becoming blurrier despite you finally having your glasses. The pain of your teeth puncturing your thumb is completely discarded as you press hard on one key, ruining the thing you were working on as the letter 'y' fills your screen in rapid fire speed. Rather than making a fool out of yourself by bringing the issue to your husband and accidentally misunderstanding the situation, your mind immediately flies to how to solve this. Collecting yourself again, your inhale deeply and breathe. You select all the extra y's you accidentally spammed, delete them, and continue working.

Do you file for divorce? Do you ignore it altogether? Do you use Seonghwa as a spy? No, no, and no... Those all have ways that they could end up going horribly. Like a faint red light slowly dying the landscape of your mind, something suggests itself to you. It's immoral, perhaps even more immoral than infidelity. Murder. There'll be no one to embarrass or take anything away from you if they're dead. Out of the picture. But of course, you can't just stab or shoot him and get rid of the corpse. You have to make sure that absolutely nobody tries to take revenge or matters into their own hands—whether it be that girl or the authorities. You are not willing to let your coveted lifestyle fall into the hands of another. The cards all fell into place for you to have your affair, so surely, it'll all fall into place for you to murder your husband. Unlike other murderers, you will walk out of this the same person—unscathed. Finally having calmed down, you continue working.

Seonghwa on the other hand comes home to his concerned group members. Remembering his faulty excuse last night, he stands in front of the table. "Seonghwa. What were you actually doing those past two nights?" Hongjoong asks. "I was with a friend." he answers, feigning innocence. "But you most definitely were not at their place." "Technically I was." he hums, fixing his hair. This is out of character for him, they know. He's a softball, a cute and kind person in front of the fans. He also has his dorky parts, but he's not what he's presenting to the other members of ATEEZ.

"You know our company doesn't have strict rules on dating, why would you keep this a secret from us?" Yunho questions, although what happens is his privacy, the way he went on about it seemed like he was hiding something crucial. "She's married." That sentence alone renders all of them speechless. "Y-you're joking, right? You're not actually having an affair with a married lady, are you?" Wooyoung stutters in disbelief. To add fuel to the fire, Seonghwa adds on, "It's the wife of a man who owns a property management company." "Seonghwa, you can't be serious! You'll be getting into serious trouble not just with that man for getting involved with his wife!" Hongjoong argues, but ultimately, the look on Seonghwa's face tells that there is no convincing him out of it. With a heavy sigh, the leader buries his face in his hand. "I guess you better be prepared to make sure that absolutely nobody else finds out about this if you don't want to give her up." The others exchange glances before turning to their eldest, who knows very well what he's getting into. Whether or not they'll help cover for him is still something they'll have to debate amongst themselves.

Your work day ends at 6:30 P.M, as the sun starts to go down and the sky is a cold shade of light blue, you tell Yujun over the phone that you'll walk home today. As you walk down the shortcut with a dull expression on your face, knowing what you will now be conspiring and how you'll plan it, a familiar car stops by. The window rolls down, and for the first time today, you smile. Seonghwa drives you home. Once you get there, you sit on the couch and let him linger for a bit. Before he greets you another goodbye and walks for the door however, you ask him to stay. "I have good news for you, star." you tell him, and he turns around to hear what it is. "My husband's not going to be here for the whole month."

His lips curl up, and he lets out a small breathy laugh. This just got even better.

MATRIMONIAL DOGMA ⋄ 1

prologue of promiscuity

end.

next.

 fatalistickiss

AUTHOR'S SECTION ; Hello! nir eahc chae rin here and I just wanted to say if you're reading this then thank you for checking out this fic. I have other things to do and originally this was an au for my ocs but then I decided to tweak it a little and make it a fic for one of those said ocs' face claim. Of course, there's more to it than just a simple face claim, I for one have been a huge shinestar since 2020 and although I sorta dipped from the fandom, I still have a lot of love for these boys. This was so fun to write because well the au's been brewing in my head for how long now considering how many fics I see focusing on the woman that the man is cheating with rather than a woman doing the cheating and although infidelity is something that I am very obviously against, I had to feed myself some of that taboo stuff as well,, Anyhow, ty for reading and if you're going to repost then please credit me @fatalistickiss!

[itsthislake]

“Icarus.”

it's all about freedom really

Credit goes to An Sifakah for the poem. Enjoy!

Support me on Ko-fi maybe?

[artoflevity]

i could find you, darling, in any life.

[basslinegrave]

pin-up

b&w originals

[artilite]

fuck you *lethal companies your in stars and time*

(long) exposition under cut (spoilers for ISAT + lethal company logs)

This au takes place around the time of sigurd's logs/before them (i haven't decided if Sigurd's crew exists here or not yet)!

Siffrin was someone who used to live on the Golden Planet before it got eaten. They may not remember anything beyond being found in an escape pod, but they're still paralyzed by fear when getting close to the selling window. He's always first in the facilities, making jumps, braving traps, and heading as deep as he can for scrap.

Mirabelle and Isabeau are the medic and fighter respectively, who both came from the same moon colony. They were both pressured into taking jobs by a work-based society, and applied for the company under the impression that it was a short, high-paying internship with nebulous risks.

Odile is their resident ship manager. She keeps a watchful eye over everyone and relays information about monsters, scrap, etc. In absolutely dire situations, she may come help with scrap. Despite claiming to be a first-timer, her badge says Leader??

Nille and Bonnie ended up with the crew after taking a chance to run away from their parents. Seeing a high-paying job that provided everything and would take them far away sounded too good to pass up. Nille lied about Bonnie's age to take them with her. After seeing the reality of this job, though, she regrets not finding another way out. Bonnie is permanently on ship-duty; they mainly type in whatever numbers Odile tells them. Nille is also a fighter, though she prefers the weighty stop sign as opposed to Isabeau's shovel.

Loop, after hundreds upon thousands of quotas, dying every possible death, learning everything they could- even the real identity of The Company- realizes there was one thing they've never done before. They've never died to The Company. Desperate for a way out, and haunted by the whispers and screams beyond the wall, they give themselves up. Maybe that would finally satisfy the monster- to have devoured every last piece of the Golden Planet. Maybe their crew could finally rest easy that way. Well, they didn't loop back. But through the dark and damp, there's static on the walkie talkie. Loop picks up, and hears their own voice just beyond the wall.

(Loop's design is the most different by far, since instead of consuming a star, they themselves are slowly getting digested. They're inspired by the visual of red crying faces from the logs :D)

[feelo-fick]

it can't be too hard right?

it's easy not to think about things, he tells me i don't think all the time! wait...

—

a scene from a fic that i have no clue if ill finish, let alone post, but look i made fanart of my own thing that doesnt even exist :D

[worfsbarmitzvah]

there’s such an attitude among ex-christian atheists that religions just spring up out of the void with no cultural context behind them. like ive heard people say shit like “those (((zionists))) think they own a piece of land bc their book of fairy tales told them so!!!” and they refuse to understand that no, we don’t belong there because of the torah, it’s in the torah because we belong there. because we’re from there. the torah (from a reform perspective) was written by ancient jews in and about the land that they were actively living on at the time. the torah contains instructions for agriculture because the people who lived in the land needed a way to teach their children how to care for it. it contains laws of jurisprudence because those are pretty important to have when you’re trying to run a society. same for the parts that talk about city planning. it contains our national origin story for the same reason that american schools teach kids about the boston tea party. it’s an extremely complex and fascinating text that is the furthest thing from just a “book of fairy tales”

[bethanydelleman]

Edit: Turning off reblogs on this post since I've been told it contains misinformation. Also, someone reblogged it with a huge rant and blocked me (as far as I can tell), leaving me unable to reply and with only partial notes and that freaks me out.

So I was telling someone about my boy, Sejong the Great of Joeson, who deserves that title "great" since he was so concerned about illiteracy that he created the easy-to-learn Korean alphabet (Hangul) by himself, but then the nobility got mad about all these reading peasants and tried to ban it. And my friend says, "Oh, I thought illiterate poor people in the past were just lazy."

And I was like, "No, no, you don't want your indentured servants and peasants reading and figuring out how much you are screwing them over. The adapted Chinese characters that Korea had been using took years to learn so it was a natural gatekeeper of knowledge."

And then, because one must be fair, I went on to explain how Europeans locked up their knowledge behind Latin, especially the Bible, and how it was so important that Martin Luther translated it into everyday German, because once you can read the Bible yourself, you can challenge the almost absolute power of the church. Only the rich could afford to learn Latin, so only the rich could read the book that their entire society was allegedly based around.

I do think things are much better today, but why are most scientific papers paywalled and scientists sometimes act as if they should be treated like infallible priests...

Edit: I wanted to end this post on a happy note, but then I started thinking about paywalls and it made me a bit depressed. We still do make our best knowledge less accessible to the average person and I hope we can do more to change that.

[heartorbit]

revstar emu save me

[destiel-wings]

Dean Winchester & hug dynamic analysis

I was thinking about how whenever Dean hugs someone he's almost always the one hugging the other and how this links to his psychological trauma of always being the caretaker of people, making himself bigger to protect them.

Because that's how Dean sees himself, as a shield for others, and then I thought about how Cas actually is the shield, and he's HIS SHIELD, specifically, the only one who's really there to protect HIM, which is why it hits so much when we see this:

The way Cas wraps his arms around him, trying to protect him with his whole body--that he'd use as a shield and give up in a second if he could spare him from any pain and save him.

(for context: Dean was about to go use the soul bomb on Amara there, it was a suicide mission)

Bobby is another one that hits, he hugs him as the big hugger because he's his father, he loves him and he's actually here to protect him (and Dean LETS him -barely, but he lets him *and Cas* - in a way that he doesn't let Sam)

I watched a compilation of Sam & Dean hugs to check if i was right about it, but it's almost always Dean the big hugger with Sam, except when he's about to die or Sam sees him alive again after losing him.

Even then, Dean mostly tries to hug Sam as the big hugger anyway, with at least one arm, like a way to comfort him, making him feel protected, like his body language is saying "I'm here, I'm okay, I'm still strong, i can still protect you" (because their real father failed and Dean thinks it's his job).

He rarely lets himself be the little one hugged with Sam, unless he's barely conscious. Which is why it kills me so much more now that in this moment (s14, when Dean was going to lock himself in the Ma'lak box cause he was possessed by Michael) and Sam has a desperate breakdown and punches him (to stop him) he forcefully hugs him as the little hugger, the way Dean always kept him, like a way of saying "I still need you to protect me, please don't do this to yourself".

In the scene below he gives Sam his blessing to do a dangerous (possibly suicidal) mission, and one of his arms is down, but the other one tries to stay up--he's forcing himself to do it and he struggles because he still wants to protect him, but (as the seasons progress) he slowly becomes more prone to let go.

So in this view the hug dynamic becomes an indicator of how Dean sees Sam (and himself) and his protector role, how adult and self sufficient he considers Sam, and how much he lets people around him take care of him, lowering his walls and letting himself be hugged.

This is also why i think hugs from characters like Garth or Charlie are so special, because they're just like us: they see Dean and they just know that he needs to be hugged a lot, and that he's not used to it, so they just go for it-- and it's so normal and kind and spontaneous that Dean's just not used to it-- he doesn't know how to respond (especially with Garth, at the beginning, but as the seasons progress, he learns to, and he even initiates the hug eventually).

I love the hugs where they're 50/50 (one arm up, one arm down both), feels like they're equals, both taking care of each other. I feel like with Sam and Dean, this indicates a healthier dynamic, because Dean lets go a little of the role that was imposed to him and manages to see Sam as the strong individual that he is. But the same applies to 50/50 hugs with other characters, like with Cas, where I feel like it testifies how equals they feel in terms of being fighters, there's a show of respect of each other's strength that transpires by the gesture (which is even more astounding considering that Cas is literally a powerful angel).

And just to end on a destiel note, I'd like to note the possessiveness and protectiveness of Dean (rightfully so) whenever he finds Cas after he thought he had lost him, and how that translates into his body/hug language:

[ruporas]

i’ll find you again in every universe. let us be a little more honest, let us have a little more time.

[yesokayiknow]

happy birthday to the worst girl in the universe (23 november 1986 - 2016 (eventually))

[saleeba]

fool ; jude bellingham

summary ♡ betting on the phenomenon of unrequited feelings, you and jude have never dared to make the first move with the other until a reunion forces new questions to be answered.

pairing ♡ jude bellingham x fem!reader

content ♡ 18+, smut, friends to lovers, alcohol consumption, cursing, kissing, both jude & reader are pining idiots, fingering, p in v sex, marking, missionary, unprotected sex (jude pulls out but still pls practise safe sex!!)

a/n ♡ she's baaaack :D but first☝🏽alexa play fool by nct 127 !!!! the lyric "you’re a goddess but i’m a fool, what should i do?" was written for this fic in particular i just know it was :] anyway hehe this fic is based off this request so tysmm to anon for sending such an exciting prompt !! i hope yous enjoy 🫶🏽💗 WAIT P.S this isn’t proofread bc i lowkey am not rocking with it so i didn’t wanna put myself thru having to read it again & again … im sorry for any mistakes :’)

you had just gotten off work to a stream of relentless texts from your best friends’ groupchat — phone pinging off the rails whilst you were on shift, muffled buzzes from your bag making you wonder what on earth was worth blowing up in that whatsapp group on a random friday afternoon.

on the train back home, you tap open the green app, anticipating yourself easily spending the entire journey catching up on the three hundred-plus texts from your closest mates. you decide to start right from the beginning of the influx, thumb scrolling nonstop and eyes blurring from the rapid movement until they focus back on the screen where you stop, finally having reached the destination of the first text that set it all off. 

it was from none other than jude bellingham, and you were nearly embarrassed by the way your face instantly lit up upon reading his message. the groupchat’s golden boy had popped up after weeks of minimal contact, asking if he could take everyone for a night out tomorrow to make up for it, stating that he finally has some small gaps of free time between hectic pre-season schedules to allow him to do so.

it honestly warmed your heart that the first thing he wants away from football is to see you all. you’d been a band of good friends since the first year of secondary school, contact not necessarily strained as you all had a lot of love for each other but rather unspokenly reduced after leaving school two years ago and falling into busy university or career ventures.

instead of scrolling through to read and react to the plethora of follow-up texts after his, you ignore them and jump straight to typing your reply to his invitation, casting aside that nagging voice asking you: doesn’t that seem too desperate?

no, right? i’m just accepting his invitation, getting straight to the point, the convo ended half an hour ago anyway. you’re arguing with yourself now, feeling the need to give unnecessary excuses to nonexistent accusations. if you were to be honest with yourself, you were always self-conscious of the way you behaved around jude, even now debating on whether to add your signature heart emoji or if it’d come across as you trying too hard given your feelings for him; albeit them being feelings that no one knows about, not even him. you made sure for it to be that way.

with a mental note to get over yourself, you send an affirmative ‘i’m up for it!’, signature heart included, and quickly shut off your phone. heart beating so rapidly, you scolded yourself for getting so worked up over a mere reply and for definitely not getting over yourself. god knows how you’re going to handle seeing him in person. 

a sudden double buzz from your device does nothing to calm you down, instead dampening your hands with sweat when you grab it and see a pair of messages from him.

jude 🌟: heyy i’m so glad you can make it tomorrow :)

jude 🌟: can’t wait to see you!! ❤❤

he had messaged you separately for some reason and he had included two hearts… the overthinking starts for you again, without even beginning to think about what to reply this time, and you question why he couldn’t have just replied to you in the groupchat or why he couldn’t have just left the end of the messages with a ‘x’ like he usually does or why he would even say what he said in the last message. mind frantic and unable to clear itself, you thank yourself for having your read receipts turned off so you can have your mini meltdown without worrying about jude knowing you’d seen his messages multiple minutes ago. god, you were down so bad. 

you force yourself to open the messages app and send the most casual reply you can type.

you: can’t wait to see you too! ❤

you try to keep it short, sweet and nonchalant even if your fingers are itching to type more – more about how much you had missed him, more about what he was planning to wear tomorrow night so that maybe you could match your own outfit with him, more about your true, unfiltered feelings for him. it’s pathetic really; you hadn’t seen him in two years and the first thing you wanted to do was throw yourself at him, spilling all the secrets you’d been holding close for so many years. you leave it at that, put your phone on do not disturb mode and head on home, waiting for the long hours of friday evening to pass and saturday night to arrive.

***

and so saturday night rolls around and you just about finish touching up your makeup and smoothing out your dark blue dress before the doorbell rings, and you’re whisked away to the club by a couple of your girlfriends. 

as soon as you step your high heels into the building, you’re met with the sight of flowing booze and the noise of noughties r&b beats bouncing around the brightly lit walls. dragged by the hands of your friends, you find yourself standing next to a booth at the back of the club, the rest of the group now welcoming you latecomers with a loud cheer.

“finally, girls. you took your time!” one of your male friends remarks, ushering you all to sit down.

“oh god, what have we missed?” you beam, trying to scan the group amongst the strobing lights to catch a glimpse of the person you were really there for. 

“nah, you’re just in time because… first round’s on mister madrid!”

the callout breaks your friend group into a raucous holler as your gaze fixes onto the six foot-one footballer who stands up with an amused grin and a sigh of feigned defeat. your heart quickens and your smile turns into a state of near disbelief over how good jude looks right now – graphic white t-shirt hugging his biceps in all the right places and hanging over a pair of smart-casual black trousers.

“yeah, yeah, anything for my groupies,” he winks at no one in particular but your brain almost convinces you that he was looking at you while doing it. you send a shy smile his way just in case but what he says next has your mouth running dry. “help us out, will ya, y/n?”

you hesitate for a second too long for your liking, stumbling over your words while your friends peer at you. “uh… uh-huh, yeah, of course.” you answer as quick as you can, standing up on your feet slowly as to not trip over your now-shaking legs and send yourself flying into jude, and to avoid embarrassing yourself more than you think you already have.

he responds with a grateful smile and you follow him to the bar where he places an order for a round of drinks and some shots to be delivered to the group by the two of you. there’s an odd unfamiliarity to the silence between you both and you realise that you aren’t normally this quiet around jude, and neither is he around you; you would always joke that he’d be eligible to talk for england if he wasn’t already playing football for them. he’d retort with a comment about how his ears could almost fall off with the amount of chatting you do, and you’d dryly reply with a ‘well, they’re too big for your head anyway. look at the size of them!’ the pair of you were always as thick as thieves in the eyes of everyone else. which is why you didn’t expect it to be like this, especially after two years of not seeing each other – there was so much you wanted to catch up on from his world and so much you wanted to share from yours. you decidedly gain some courage and take the initiative to spark some conversation, get something going at least.

“soo, how have you been, then?” you’re both facing the bar, your head barely tilting in jude’s direction to indicate that yes, it is him that you’re talking to and not some random like he assumes you are with the way you’re positioned away from him, eyes just about turning to steal a glance of his figure but not to hold eye contact. “how’s la vida española?”

jude finds amusement in your sudden flaunt of the spanish language, a smile breaking out on his face, unseen to you since he’s still facing the same direction that you are, preoccupying his eyes with the myriad of bottles on the shelves while his mind searches for an apt reply.

“yeah, it’s been great, i think i wanna stay there forever,” jude laughs, his fingers tapping on the black surface of the bar. you can’t help the selfish feeling of your heart dropping at his confession. “i miss you, though, y’know… a lot.” 

this one confession forces your whole body to turn itself towards him, eyes now chasing after his to seek some form of sincerity, to see if he was just messing about or if he really meant what he just said. he shifts his head to face you now, a bashful look painted onto his features. the expectant silence says it all really; of course i mean it. 

you gulp and decide to break the quietness with a sarcastic, jesting “ugh…”, jude’s face dropping at what he thinks is genuine disgust from you. you realise your attempt to denounce the awkwardness has backfired.

“oh my god, you dickhead, i’m joking,” how is it that mere moments ago you were shaking at the sheer real-life presence of him but now you’d transformed into having this confident playfulness? and all of it without a drop of alcohol in your system as well – you’re quietly proud of yourself. “i missed you too, jude… a lot.” you coyly repeat his words. 

upon your turn of the confession, the bartender sets down your drink orders and the two of you wordlessly carry the trays over to where your friends are situated, the silence way more comfortable now that you’re both basking in assurance, unbeknown to the other that your hearts were racing at a hundred miles per hour.

***

not even two hours and an innumerable amount of shots later, you’re all a drunken mess; definitely not a surprise to a single one of you. what is a surprise is the way you’re strewn across jude, right leg wrapped around his left, head on his chest, swirling and sipping from what’s clearly an empty glass to any sober, sane person. you grumble and mutter a complaint about the lack of liquor in the booth, taking it upon yourself to head to the bar and order another round for everyone.

“i’ll come with you,” jude announces over the pounding of the music, standing up so quickly that his next five steps are staggered and he has to cling onto your arm to steady himself. “i’m fine, i’m okay.” he assures nobody that asked.

the two of you stumble your way into the path of the bar, determined to drink until the sun comes up and forget every strand of stress until the hangovers come knocking. jude’s soft grip on your arm has you being led in the opposite direction all of a sudden, though. 

“uhm, where are we going?” you question, head still turned to where the bar is located, about to ask him if he was so hammered he couldn’t walk in a simple straight line to get to where you’d planned to go. “jude?”

he’s silent, save for humming his way to his desired destination, and you question if he even knows where he’s leading you. before you make the choice of going along with him or leaving his clearly confused self to go cop your next cocktail, you find yourself in the disabled toilets, pushed up against the sink with the door not even shut properly, gasping at how rough jude is handling your body compared to his soft touches from before, and how close his face is to yours, warm breath fanning the skin of your lips. you weren’t strictly against it all but how the hell have you ended up like this? The alcohol and the questions come at you fast, dizzying your brain but you can’t help but feel so keenly anticipative.

“i’m sorry, i just…” he pulls away from you, eyes fluttering closed so he can re-evaluate his actions, exhaling through his nose as if he was letting go of all doubts before continuing. “am i okay to do this?” he places his hands on your waist, pushing himself back into your space, his full lips more or less about to take yours. you have to refrain from letting the effects of alcohol take over your tongue and uttering back with a breathy ‘you can do whatever you want to me’.

instead, you answer with an earnest, eager nod, inviting his lips to finally do that one thing you had been dreaming of for so long, to kiss yours so silly that they’re left with the imprint of him. and jude does just that.

his mouth takes in yours so determinedly, shyness and hesitation now long-dissolved feelings for you both as your hands find home around the back of his neck, pushing his head further onto you, feeling the need to taste him more and more until you’re both consumed by each other. 

it’s a messy makeout, noses bumping and teeth clashing, but it’s oh so hot, the way he gasps into your mouth from breathlessness and pleasure, running and gripping his large hands over the material adorning your waist and hips as the need to rip it off you nearly overtakes him. to you, he’s so utterly intoxicating that a gallon of alcohol would pale in comparison to how dizzy his skin on yours makes you feel. 

you release a moan at the meagre thought of jude all over your body, and he takes the opportunity to slip his tongue over yours, filthy noises of wetness and carnality from the both of you reaching high pitch as jude somehow simultaneously pushes you against the sink and pulls you against his chest, his manhandling of you getting you even more hot and bothered before you’re both interrupted by the hub of people passing by and huddling right outside the bathroom, their self-occupied shouts and cheers dragging you out of the bubble that the two of you had wrapped yourselves in, almost sobering you up on the spot.

you push jude out of your way, gentle but abrupt, and give him a look of apologetic regret. “i-i’m sorry,” you say, jitterily walking past him and exiting the room without a second glance or word, heading straight to the booth where your friends are hollering and hurraying, occupied with shot-drinking contests. 

your girlfriends offer to go home with you when you lie and tell them you’re not feeling very well, but you decline them, instead telling them to have fun on your behalf and letting them know that you’ll try to text them once you get home safely. you can tell they’re confused by your shaken state and the absence of jude but you grab your bag and make your exit before the interrogation can even begin to brew.

you manage to grab a taxi back home, surprised by how competent you are despite the alcohol in your bloodstream and confusion in your brain. on the way there, you can’t stop the bouncing of your knee nor the racing of your psyche, asking yourself how and why whatever went down with jude went down like that. you curse at yourself for being so impulsive in starting and finishing the whole ordeal with him in the way that you did – you don’t know if it’s the empty, depressive drunk thoughts or just clarity from the whole jude thing that makes you feel like there’s no coming back from this at all. you feel like crawling into your bed and never coming out from it ever again. 

the taxi driver has to call for your attention multiple times until you reach earth again and pay him the journey’s fee. you go skulking all the way up to your front door, only letting out a breath that you feel like you’ve been holding since the beginning of the night once the door shuts behind you.

the rest of the night is quiet and orderly for you, telling yourself to not invite any more chaos into your brain and to simply drink some water and to go to sleep. waking up tomorrow morning is going to be painful in more ways than one.

***

you spend the rest of the weekend nursing a ferocious hangover and a frazzled heart, only contacting your friends to tell them that you got home fine and to joke that you probably need a century or two for this hangover to be gone. you thank the high heavens that they don't bring up the topic of you and jude 

you try not to think too much about jude, you really do, but sunday night has a couple of taps landing you on the instagram app and you learn that he’s already back in spain, pictures of him in training sliding across your phone screen on his story along with selfies with his teammates. usually, you tap that small red heart at the bottom and hope that he sees it amongst his millions and millions of notifications, a tiny ritual of yours that now has you feeling so pathetic that you don’t dare to do it anymore.

running a hand over your weary face, you set your phone down and opt to nap the night away, finding comfort in the non-intrusion from your friends and the no contact from jude, hoping to keep yourself busy and distracted with whatever the work week brings.

a ring from the doorbell rips through your flat just as you’re organising your pillows, forcing you to stop what you’re doing and ponder who could be at the door on a sunday while the clock ticks some minutes past one o’clock. you don’t recollect ordering any food nor are you expecting a delivery, especially not this late. 

trudging your way to the front door, you open it to find jude bellingham standing there and you feel an instant pang of regret, wishing you had peeked through the window to see who it could be, wishing you had pretended to not be in, wishing the ground would open up right now and swallow you whole  – anything to escape the confrontation that you’re now having to face. your face heats up with embarrassment and nerves but you manage to rupture the silence before your mouth can turn dry. 

“j-jude, hi,” you try and keep your greeting as polite and cordial as you can, even when all you really want to do is to chase him off your doorstep. “what are you doing here?”

your query has jude visibly gulping, hands fiddling with each other as he attempts to hold eye contact with you, his vision a bit blurry from exhaustion. “y/n… sorry, can i come in?”

you oblige, holding the door open wide before you guide him to the living room and invite him to sit down on the plushness of your sofa, settling yourself on the opposite end of it. you silently prompt him to say what he came here to say with a nod of your head. 

“uhm, i’m sorry for turning up unannounced, and so late…” ever the courteous. “i had to sneak away from the lads and catch the last flight to here so it was all a bit down to the wire.” he lets out a small, uneasy laugh.

you cut off his rambling with a curt “what do you want, jude?” you don’t mean for it to sound so rude but you still hold the attitude of wanting to get this over and done with, already feeling annoyance at yourself for even letting him into your home. 

“right, yeah, i actually wanted to talk about what happened on saturday,” he goes back to fiddling with this thumbs, eyebrows furrowed but he avoids looking at you this time. not that you can blame him because your own vision shifts to anywhere but his direction. “i’m so sorry for making you uncomfortable a-and please tell me if this is inappropriate, but i haven’t stopped thinking about last night, i haven't stopped thinking about you, i-i’m sorry, i know this is all so silly and you probably don’t even feel the same bu-”

you stop him right there, this time with good reason as you can’t bear holding back your real emotions, not when he’s practically given you the green light to spill the contents of your heart.

“no, jude, i didn’t feel uncomfortable at all,” you assure him, gaze now on the footballer in front of you and you almost can’t believe the words leaving your mouth right now. “i wanted it to happen, i’m glad it happened, you know, i think i’ve had dreams about it happening,” you try and offset any tension with a timid chuckle before turning quite pensive. “i really like you, jude, i have for a long time… god, sorry, this is so embarrassing.” you return to making light of the situation you’ve put yourself in, the timidness sinking back in as quick as the relief lifts you up. 

jude moves closer to your now-cowering body, knees touching as your heartbeat surges with worry and self-consciousness all wrapped up into a tight, miserable ball. he puts his sweat-dampened hands into yours and squeezes in silent assurance before raising them up to his lips and laying a chaste kiss on the heated skin.

he can’t help but break out into a sweet smile, eyes threatening to crinkle at the edges. your face is still sketched with tension and now confusion has joined the mix.

“i can’t tell you how long i’ve waited to hear that from you, how much i needed to hear it,” your eyes meet his, widening in surprise a little. “i’m a fool for not telling you sooner… i like you, y/n, i really like you.” he repeats your own words back at you, leaning in with a smattering of amusement dancing in his vision. 

“can i kiss you?” the question leaves your lips faster than you can even process it in your brain.

jude wastes no time in replying with a firm pressing of his mouth on yours, deepening it within seconds, the need to cement his feelings for you being told through the way he cradles your head in his hand, leaning you back onto the arm of the sofa to further intensify the kiss. your lips move along with his, the soft weight of his body pressed against yours making you whine into his mouth in ecstasy.

he lifts off of you with a puckering of his swollen lips, the both of you taking the chance to draw in some air and attempt to regulate your breathing pattern.

“please take me to the bedroom,” you beg, breathless from the sheer sight of his dark eyes and pretty pout. there’s no fight nor denial from jude as he picks you up and prompts you to wrap your legs around his waist, quickening his pace once you point in the direction of your room.

he lays you down on the bed so gently, lips latching onto yours once again before they travel down your jaw and over the warm skin of your neck. the light touch of his fluttering eyelashes married with the pressure of his soft lips has your head spinning, hands tentatively laid on top of your sheets since you don’t trust yourself to not grab his head and bring it back to your lips. his fingers tinker with the waistband of your pyjama trousers, stretching it off your skin before he asks permission to peel them down your legs. 

once they’re cast away in some corner of your bedroom, jude divides your legs by the underside of your knees, tucking himself into the now available space between them, turning onto his side and resting on his left forearm. he leaves a small kiss over your covered cunt and you try your best to not just clamp his head in between your thighs and smother him with your growing wetness here and now. 

“need to get you ready, baby,” the sudden mention of the petname has you throbbing, squirming even more when he traces a line from your clit down to where there’s a small damp spot forming on the dark material of your underwear.

“jude, please,” you whine out, lifting your hips in a desperate bid to get the boy to strip your lower half completely. 

he shushes you in his own charming way, making sure to comply with your demand by getting up onto his knees and discarding your soaked panties in a matter of seconds, the cold air generated by his large hands whipping them off you hits your exposed pussy, making you hiss through gritted teeth.

jude returns to the gap between your spread legs, sitting back but still on his knees, his higher position causing you to shift onto resting your body weight on the palms of your hands in order to peer at his actions – which start with him re-tracing that same teasing line from your aching clit to your hole with his thumb, the feeling now so intense on your unclothed skin. he hums in what sounds to be satisfaction when you throw your head back in pleasure, taking it in his favour to slip his index finger into the tightness of your pussy. 

you release a guttural groan at the feeling of finally having some part of him inside you; you of course don’t want this to be the only part but you’re still so very grateful, so fucking grateful he’s now rubbing at your clit in delicious rounds, thumb tracing circle after circle while his fingers form a pair, pistoning in and out of you so easily due to the way your cunt douses itself with every move of jude’s. 

“fuck, baby,” jude moans at the sight of his soaked digits every time they barely pull out of that pretty pussy, his thumb torturing your sensitive bud increasingly so, the cries and whimpers spilling from your lips an incentive for him. “feel so good and tight around my fingers, can’t imagine how you’ll feel around my dick.” 

his words have you absolutely reeling, writhing against his hand to try and chase that moment of release. 

“please, jude, i’m so close,” you’re warning and demanding at the same time, almost begging him to not stop or even think about moving his fingers out of you. “god, please, i need it,” 

jude suddenly retracts both of his hands, leaving you bare and empty. “no way, baby, need to have you cumming on my cock or not cumming at all,” he comments with a shake of his head, denying you the opportunity of leaking your cum over his hand. upon seeing your bewildered face, he makes up for it by putting on a show of licking your juices clean off his fingers, the digits popped inside his mouth and dragged right back out with a low moan, him praising the way you taste. 

“move up the bed for me, angel,” he orders, watching you while he stands up and unclothes himself as quick as he can. you scoot backwards, legs still spread open like they’ve been locked in that position, before pulling your oversized t-shirt off of you, chest void of a restricting bra . “good girl,” he praises, crawling up to hover his body over your laying one, cock in hand as your legs come to wrap around him. “are you still okay with this? we can stop at any point, okay?”

the sincerity of his voice has you melting. some would remark that the bar is in hell for you but the truth is that you hadn’t been with anyone like this for more months than you could count on your hands. you've been touch-starved and lacking words of affirmation for so long, and you needed something to be only about you for once. 

“i’m more than okay with this,” you smile up at him, nodding to make your approval fully known. “and yes, i know i can stop you if i need to.”

jude reciprocates the same smile before leaning in and smothering your lips with his, pushing his cock into your tight wetness, so tight that your pussy almost pushes him back out, not used to being penetrated by something so thick.

“oh my god!” the feeling of tightness/fullness has you both gasping out the same thing at the same time, erupting into quiet giggles when the two of you realise your matching reactions. 

jude’s mouth finds its way back home in the embrace of your lips and you swear this is heaven, the way his cock slides in and out of your sopping cunt, set at such a perfect pace, the slight friction causing you to grow even wetter – the filth of it all contrasts so well with the sweetness of his muffled moans and tender kisses on your neck, moving down onto your collarbones and tits.

a particularly harsh thrust of his cock has your back arching, chest pushed up to his heated face, and he takes this golden opportunity to wrap his lips around your erect nipple, spending a good while sucking and tugging on the skin around it. you’re amazed at how his cock doesn’t relent inside you, the speed still so quick and consistent even when he’s so occupied in painting splotches on your tits with his mouth.

“there,” he pants out, pulling his head back and marvelling at his own creation. “now, there’s no doubt that you’re really mine.” the smile he gives you is a killer.

you whine at his declaration of you belonging to him, scratching at his shoulders and calling out his name to indicate that it’s all too much for you, that you’re so, so close to cumming on his cock and really giving him what he wants rather than pleasing yourself. you figure that’s you gone now; you’re more willing to put the boy above your own needs because you’re down that fucking bad for him.

“fuck, jude, i’m gonna cum!” you sob, your moans becoming more frequent and higher pitched, legs starting to shake from the intoxicating mix of exhaustion and delight. you’re frantically chanting “please, please, please” into his mouth which parts to swallow your whimpering, wet lips kissing your trembling ones. 

“go on, baby, cum for me, cum all over this cock,” he groans out, eyes squeezing shut when the feeling of your pussy clamping down tightly on his thickness proves too much to handle, face finding refuge in the crook of your neck. he knows you don’t need his permission, he would’ve let you orgasm as many times as you wanted to, would’ve let you use him like your own personal sex toy, but the words were only there to keep you going when his hips felt like faltering – he needed you cumming on his cock like he promised before, and he wasn’t about to fuck it up himself.

a final scream rips from your throat as you cum hard around jude, pussy clenching and pulsating around his cock so sporadically you thought you were having two orgasms at once. jude can’t handle it anymore, pulling out with a myriad of moans as he pumps his shaft with a hand, decorating the expanse of your lower abdomen with warm, white liquid. you’re still squirming, slowly trying to wheeze out the remaining whimpers from your lungs which you’re finding hard to do with the way jude pants and moans above you, the boy so spent he can’t help but breathe like he hasn’t had access to air for the past hour.  

he flops down by your side, arms and legs sprawled like a starfish, chest rising and falling as he attempts to recuperate from the mindblowing sex you two just had. the image is so unserious that you can’t stifle your giggles but you decide to take another step of courage to lay on your side resting your head on his shoulder, fingers stroking his abs and playing with the curly hairs of his happy trail. 

the room is quiet now with the scent of sex wafting through your nostrils on occasion but it’s the most comfortable silence you’ve experienced with jude, the feeling of his hot skin on yours so soothing to you.

after a period of panting, jude clears his throat and your ears prick up at the presence of sound. he turns his head towards you and you lift yourself up and off him out of instinct – you want full attention on him.

“i don’t want this to be a one-time kinda thing, y’know,” he proclaims, biting his lip from saying too much in one go.

“what, is this your way of saying you want round two already?” you joke, nose crinkling at the way he rolls his eyes playfully.

“shut up,” he delivers a poke to your side. “i mean, well, i don’t want either one of us to see this as a spur-of-the-moment thing, i just…” you look at him expectantly, silently telling him to continue. “i want you to be my girlfriend, y/n.” 

you’re nearly knocked back by his words, wondering if they’re real or if you’re simply just hearing things. you thought dialogue like that, coming from him, was only reserved for your imagination, kept secret and only spoken to you in late-night mental scenarios that would comfort you on your way to slumberland.

you let out a laugh that’s an odd mix of relief and disbelief, quickly replying “yes, yes, of course” to his awaiting face, which releases a look of relief itself before jude captures your lips with such passion you’re both knocked back onto the plush pillows, giggling into each other’s mouths until your hands find themselves running down the defined muscles of his abdomen and over his hardening cock.

[silverwhittlingknife]

So you're a go to source for all things Dick&Tim bros and you tend to write primarily from Dick's POV. So, odd question, but if you were to summarize their relationship from his POV in FIVE panels which panels would you pick? Keeping in mind that one specific aspect of their relationship that you love needs to be clearly represented by each panel (loyalty, trust etc). I hope this is a fun challenge and not an annoying question so if you don't want to answer that's cool! Have a wonderful day!

No more talk. The same thoughts run through two minds... (SotB 29) / You're my equal. My closest ally. (RR 1) / I can't stop thinking how much I rely on him. (GoG 3)

25 Feelings Dick Has About Tim

This was such a kind ask & a cool challenge which I totally failed; here are TWENTY-five panels of Dick's POV on Tim sdfdsfds Look, I got carried away! Marcia and Cindy! The boys!!

OKAY SO BEFORE I GET TO THE PANELS A FEW NOTES:

WARNING THAT THERE ARE SOME NEGATIVE EMOTIONS IN HERE because I love conflict but but but you gotta remember those are not the final word!! They are complicated people and sometimes they get mad at each other BUT ultimately their relationship is so hugely important in both their lives & they love each other and rely on each other so much -!!! <3

Also I have CONCLUDING THOUGHTS at the end about what Dick's POV leaves out (mostly: a lot of Dick defending & protecting & supporting Tim, which Dick does instinctively but isn't very self-aware about most of the time)

I have loosely organized my list into 5^5 format (5 categories with 5 examples each!), so if you want to skip to a relevant one, here are the categories!!

Below the cut:

I hate him and find him infuriating (#1-5)

On second thought, he's endearing & fun (#6-10)

Grief is complicated & he's all tangled up in mine (#11-15)

I love him & think highly of him (#16-20)

I rely on him & though it's hard for me, I trust him (#21-25)

I hate him and find him infuriating (#1 - 5)

1) He thinks he’s so smart and can psychoanalyze me and Bruce, but he doesn’t know me at all, he should get lost (New Titans 61)

2) He thinks he’s so smart and can psychoanalyze Bruce but he doesn’t know Bruce at all, he should get lost (Gotham Knights 26)

3) He is so nosy about stuff that is MY business (Robin 0)

4) He sounds like an insincere suck-up half the time... but okay, fine, if you push him he's got a sense of humor about it (New Titans 65)

5) I'm sure he's a better vigilante than me. It's my fault for being a failure, but I resent him anyway. (Nightwing 9 - Dick's having a nightmare)

On second thought, he's kinda endearing (#6-10)

6) He worries too much and gets anxious so easily, but it makes him fun to tease (Robin 67)

7) I'm not that competitive - okay, so maybe I'm a little competitive, I gotta make sure he doesn't get a swelled head (Prodigal)

8) I'm supposed to be his favorite! It is not cool for him to be fanboying over my not-girlfriend's not-boyfriend!! (Birds of Prey 19)

9) We have fun together. I can kick back and relax when it's just the two of us. Plus I get to boss him around a bit. (Prodigal)

10) He’s always trying to reassure me, and I guess it's a little comforting, but also he doesn’t really get it. Or me. He makes excuses that he shouldn't, because he doesn't understand that I suck. (Nightwing 64)

Grief is complicated and he's all tangled up in mine (#11 - 15)

11) He reminds me of everything I try not to think about. Sometimes the memories are so strong it hurts to look at him. (Batman 441)

12) WHY IS HE BEING IMPOSSIBLE ALL OF A SUDDEN??? THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING (Nightwing 139)

13) We're the same. He says all the things I don't let myself think about. It's like arguing with myself. (Nightwing 139)

14) He thinks he gets to tell me what to do but he doesn’t, fuck him (Battle for the Cowl)

15) Life sucks, so what. I sucked it up so he should too (RR 1)

I love him and think highly of him (#16 - 20)

16) He’s the closest thing to a brother I’ll ever have.  If someone hurts him I will hurt them harder. (Nightwing 6)

17) I can't handle the idea of losing him. (Nightwing 97)

17) He’s so good and I’m not. I'm afraid I’m bad for him. (Nightwing 110)

18) He’s better than me, and it’s kind of a relief because I know no matter what he’ll be okay. (Gates of Gotham 3)

19) In my head he’s the responsible one.  (Gotham Knights 10)

I rely on him, and though it's hard for me, I trust him (#20-25)

20) I know I have to trust him but I'm afraid he'll make the wrong choices and get hurt (Nightwing 139)

21) I'm sure I know what he should do because I see myself in him - not that I can take my own advice, but he should (Blackest Night 3)

22) I trust him.  When I’m losing my grip on things, he pulls me back. (Gotham Knights 10)

23) I want him to trust me (Red Robin 12)

24) He can tell when I'm lying. Sometimes he sees my weaknesses better than I wish he did. (Detective Comics 874)

25) He’s always there when I need him. (Teen Titans / Outsiders Secret Files)

Final rambling thoughts:

TIM: Uhh, okay, so I'm just skimming this list - do you really trust me? you're not just saying that? - but anyway, I'm confused because you left some stuff out? Like some stuff that's kinda important? DICK: No? I think I got everything? TIM (starts counting on his fingers): The time I was having a bad day but then I called you. The time I got captured by Two-Face but then you saved me. The time I fell off a train but then you saved me. The time I fell off a building but then you saved me. The time I fell off a different building - DICK: I feel like you're trying to make some kind of point but I'm not sure what it could be.

SO THE THING IS, I put 25 panels in here and not a single one has Dick catching Tim when he’s falling!!! But I think that's a central motif of their relationship from Tim’s POV, not Dick’s. I love Dick, but in some ways I think he is spectacularly un-self-aware.

And I think he especially has a lot of blind spots about Tim. He kinda intermittently gets that Tim admires him, and he enjoys it in a playful I-get-to-boss-you-around way. But Dick tends to consistently underestimate all of his own good qualities & skills, and he meets Tim at a point in his life when he's especially down on himself & his abilities. And so he's unable to see his own influence on Tim, & therefore unable to fully understand a lot of Tim's priorities and loyalties and motivations, because you can't actually understand Tim without understanding Dick's impact on him. There's a fascinating moment in Bruce Wayne: Murderer when Dick's completely blindsided & upset to discover that Tim doesn't entirely trust Bruce, even though this has been a definitive fact of Tim's whole thing ever since he showed up with his Batman needs Robin theory, and Barbara has to actively remind Dick of the obvious-to-everyone-except-Dick fact that a lot of Tim's loyalty is to Dick, and Tim loves Bruce but feels free to be more wary of him. (And to give Bruce credit: this is not something he ever begrudges.) But anyway Babs points this out, and Dick manages to sorta process it for about five seconds, but he cannot actually accept it into his worldview so instead he discards it at the speed of light and goes off and has an argument with Tim instead sdfsfdsf

All of Dick's virtues - Dick's kindness at the circus and Dick's determination to fight through grief and Dick's rigid sense of morals and Dick's vigilante skills and every time Dick has ever backed Tim up or listened to him or protected him or saved him from something or just been casually kind to a stranger in Tim's presence etc etc etc - all these things loom really large in Tim's mental story of Who Dick Is, and What Dick And Tim's Relationship Is. Tim meets Dick before he meets Bruce, trusts Dick more than Bruce, aspires to be Robin instead of Batman. And so in Tim's default version of the story, Dick is the super-special and admirable hero and Tim is... nobody in particular, a tagalong outsider who's barely managing to be a hero, not part of Dick and Bruce's family and not part of their story, who, if he's VERY LUCKY and tries REALLY HARD, might be able to fight his way to proving himself and offering something to Dick that Dick will value, if Dick doesn't get fed up with him first.

But that's not Dick's version of the story!!!

Dick's version of the story is almost the exact opposite, a story where Dick's an outcast failure black sheep who's screwing up everything he tries, and meanwhile Tim is The Sudden New Perfect Robin Who's Better Than Me And Probably Bruce Loves Him More And Probably They Gossip About What A Loser I Am, mixed with a complicated edge of Tim Thinks He's So Smart But He Doesn't Know Me/Us At All. Dick gets much more attached to Tim over time, and Tim gets unnervingly better at the know-it-all psychoanalysis so then Dick gets to have complicated feelings about him being right instead of just annoyance at him for being wrong, plus Dick's relationship with Bruce improves a lot, so Tim stops feeling so threatening. But Dick never fundamentally changes his basic theory of their relationship in which Tim is highly impressive and capable, and Dick is not so much.

And so asking Dick about Tim is kinda like if you asked George Bailey to tell you about Harry Bailey in It's A Wonderful Life; like, you'll be there for five hours while he tells you how great Harry is, and how accomplished Harry is, and how he doesn't really get how or why Harry does the things he does, and maybe George does feel a little resentful or jealous sometimes, but that pales in comparison to all his admiration and trust for Harry who he loves so much, who's better than him in so many ways, and he's not gonna openly gripe but secretly he can't help but feel sometimes like he's such a failure in comparison to Harry, a perfect person who emerged fully formed from Zeus's head with all the virtues and also all the accomplishments, etc. etc. etc. --

-- and he will not actually remember the part where he changed and saved Harry's whole entire life unless you literally send him to an alternate timeline in order to force him to remember it. <3

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

The most evil celebratory kiss

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