#i'll be honest. i'm not 100% sure what the deal is yet which is expected but i wanted to draw smth abt the puppet + sidestep

[harbingersecho]

it died inside — there's someone inside

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

reading update: January 2024

as long as I'm talking about The Gargoyle's Captive, let's discuss what else I've been reading this month.

Maeve Fly (CJ Leede, 2023) - I really liked this slender debut novel, which follows the titular Maeve Fly as she prowls LA like a homicidal alien, playing an unnamed ice princess in a certain theme park by day and indulging her murderous tendencies by night. Maeve is in a downward spiral; she's 27 years old and is preparing to lose her grandmother to illness and her only friend to a blossoming acting career. she sees no future for herself beyond losing the only two people she cares about and has no further goals, contenting herself with alcohol and porn while she rereads the same books, rewatches the same videos, and listens over and over to her playlist of Halloween music. Maeve is, it must be said, an abysmal loser, and I like her terrible melodrama a lot. I do think some of the hype is perhaps overstating the feminist credentials of this book; it sort of reminds me of when a college friend told me their favorite feminist movie was Suicide Squad (2016) because Harley Quinn was in it. Maeve talks a lot of big game about how women are always expected to have some tragedy to be deranged serial killers, while men are allowed to just do it, but it hit me as a little tryhard. there are a lot of books trying to be "the female American Psycho" right now - Eliza Clark's 2020 novel Boy Parts is frequently described as such - but it feels a bit too on the nose when Maeve's ultimate climactic rampage is directly inspired by a glimpse of the American Psycho novel. it's not that deep, but it is a gross, captivating read told from a fascinatingly cracked POV. check out Maeve Fly.

Laziness Does Not Exist (Devon Price, 2021) - yeah Devon Price is still following me (though my days are numbered, I'm sure) so it's a massive relief to say that I did like this book. Price has sort of become my self-help ride or die, mainly because a.) he's so much more self-aware than the average self-help writer that it feels kind of insulting to call him one and b.) he's actually dealing with topics that are relevant or interesting and providing actionable advice. while LDNE didn't engross me quite as hard as Unmasking Autism (while I am, famously, not autistic, I do believe in their beliefs, by which I mean I'm the token allistic among my close friends and I vastly prefer autistic company) it hit me hard in several unexpected pressure points. I'll happily admit that I can't relate to Price's interviewees who willingly work 50+ hours a week for jobs that hate them and are destroying their minds and bodies, but I still struggle to escape the perpetual sensation that a moment at rest is a moment wasted. It probably didn't help that I was reading this book while on vacation at my mother's, where I visited the beach almost daily and was so work-averse that we didn't even bother going grocery shopping because I didn't want to cook. and yet, despite getting dummy chill in some aspects of my life, I am still constantly possessed by a malevolent ghost insisting that I'm wasting my time and have never actually done Enough. maybe Price's next book, Unlearning Shame, will finally fix me; it's out in four days and god knows I'll be getting my hands on it as soon as humanly possible.

Patternmaster (Octavia E. Butler, 1976) - y'all know I love a messy political fantasy, and this is just... god, the absolute messiest. I thought Mind of My Mind was bad, but it turns out Mary's descendants are going to full-on reinvent feudalism with psychic powers, treating non-psychics as chattel and causing technological advancement to regress since they refuse to handle their problems with anything but psychic powers. and it's even got two brothers duking it out for the throne that will give them power over every bitchy psychic on earth! you love to see it. if I can be 100% honest I do think it's straight up bananagrams that this was the first book released in the series even though it's chronologically last; I genuinely cannot imagine caring enough to figure out what the fuck these people were talking about if I didn't have the previous four books for context. and even "context" may be generous; Octavia still has absolutely 0 interest in explaining what's up with the fucking outer space werewolves who are the psychics' #1 enemy. if I could have brunch with any person living or dead I would summon Butler up in a heartbeat to explain what the fuck her thought process was in plotting out this series over some mimosas, and I would take extensive notes on every word she said. an absolute genius and the uncontested queen of freak shit forever.

Thirsty Mermaids (Kat Leyh, 2021) - I purchased this graphic novel in November 2023 at a conference where I bumped into Queer Comics Peddler, my very favorite queer midwestern pop-up. running into them is always a delight, and this time I came with a question: could they give me a recommendation? the very nice people working offered up Thirsty Mermaids, which was the PERFECT companion for a long airplane ride. it's cute without being overly sappy, and avoids the trap of sacrificing a plot for the sake of checking off as many representation boxes as possible. the story is simple: three mermaids use a spell to turn into humans and go ashore in search of booze, only to realize in the morning that they don't know how to turn back. taken in by a generous bartender, they're faced with the reality of having to make money for the first time in their lives. hijinks ensue, but also a very sweet and warmhearted story about the friends looking out for one another as they try to figure out exactly where they belong and what home even means. also the artwork is GORGEOUS, with the mermaids' extremely memorable character designs being a real standout. if you're a graphic novel enthusiast, definitely check this out 🧜‍♀️

Sugar, Baby (Celine Saintclare, 2023) - Sugar, Baby came to me in a very similar way as Thirsty Mermaids: while visiting a witchy little bookstore that I was immediately charmed by, I asked the cashier what they would recommend. they offered up Maeve Fly (fab) and this novel, a stack of which was on the counter advertising an upcoming event with the author. neither have disappointed, so shout out to that one employee with the great taste! Sugar, Baby sees a young cleaner named Agnes, one of the only biracial women in her unnamed English town, befriending the daughter of a wealthy client and getting whisked away to her new friend's London lifestyle: crashing in an apartment with fellow models, staying out all night to party, and making money by going on dates with extravagantly wealthy older men. Agnes starts out having a swell time, but the cracks pretty swiftly start to form as she realizes how much more dependent she is on these men than her wealthy new friends and she begins to wonder exactly how much she's willing to diminish herself to get the bag. it's not a perfect first novel but it is a compelling one, a perfect airplane page-turner that crashes from glitzy to ghoulish and back with breakneck speed.

The Gargoyle's Captive (Katee Robert, 2023) - my full review is over on patreon for my darling supporters who want me dead (and picked this book in the first place, damn them to hell), but suffice to say this is a fun book to read if you like the sensation of your brain melting out of your nose, if you're really turned on by baby's first bdsm, you are not particularly concerned with trifling matters like "plot coherence" or "character motivation" or "writing that is complex and artful," and/or you've ever wanted to have sex with a dude whose penis is so big that you feel genuinely fear. also, hey, I forgot to include this in my patreon write-up so fuck it: Robert REFUSES to tell us what kind of food the protagonists are eating, ever. whenever they have a meal it's just "the food was placed on the table" "I took a bite" etc. drop me a HINT, man, come on! is it a protein? grain? starches? the only thing I know for sure that they're consuming is wine and a single marshmallow, and god does it show. it's just a very weird and distracting omission and it's absolutely not the worst thing about this book but it is a hill I'm willing to die complaining on.

[shera-dnd]

Good news, my dad just came back from surgery and he's doing fine. Recovery is gonna be a slow process, but the surgery seems to have gone pretty well for him and things are healing fine.

Bad news, that means that for the next 60 days it's all on me to keep this family afloat, so please I am asking for all the help I can get for what is gonna be this family's roughest couple of months.

I'd usually use my cute fursona and make a big deal about all the cool shit I can write for you guys, but right now I wanna have a more straightforward conversation.

I'll get back to making this a fun little fundraiser later, because I really don't like making things too bleak.

This blog has been my job for the past 3 years. It has paid the bills, paid for my meds, paid for my therapy, and for the past 3 years I've been a net 0 for my family. Sure I didn't bring much money to the table, but I wasn't costing them anything either.

And that was fine. My family was more than happy with that arrangement and so was I. I cannot express how grateful I am for all of you who have helped this be possible. I'm literally making my country's minimum wage by writing fanfiction on the internet, and that's a real blessing.

The thing is. My dad will spend the next 60 days recovering. He is self employed and he and my mom work together making furniture. Which means that if he can't work, she can't work, and if neither of them can work, then I am the only source of income for this household

For the next 2 months I'm gonna have to sustain four people all on my own. That means rent, bills, meds, therapy, all that stuff. We do have some money saved up, but I'm hoping we get to keep that and only use it for groceries or some emergency at the worst.

I did some math and that should add up to around a thousand dollars total (god bless dollar to reais conversion rates). But making a thousand dollars right at the end of those 2 months isn't gonna help anyone. Bills need to be paid and those have due times, and it would be very difficult for me to even access that money if my internet got cancelled by the end of those months.

So we're doing 250 dollars every two weeks. Seems pretty doable, right? Well today is the final day for the first 250 dollar goal, which will be used to pay for power, water, and internet bills this week, as well as the pain meds my dad has to take now that he's recovering.

We got 156 dollars down, which is pretty good actually, but it's not enough quite yet. I know it's a lot to ask for, but I really could use as much help as I can get right now.

I'm not expecting someone to swoop in heroically and drop 100 dollars on me right now. Honestly I don't want anyone to invest so much money on me on their own.

What I need is for a handful of people to throw some spare change my way. There are nearly three thousand people following this blog, so even if less than 1% of you guys see this message and toss me like 3 dollars at the most, it's still gonna add up FAST.

And if you can't do that then reblog this, boost it, send it to friends, give this enough reach that eventually someone will see it and will choose to help my family, even if it's with little more than pocket change.

Because when I say "any donation can make a world of difference" I MEAN IT WITH FULL HONESTY

The Emergency in the title of the "Weasel Den Emergency Fund" is not a joke, even if the cute little weasel makes it seem less urgent.

Her name is Snori btw. Blame @midnightechoes for that name.

Anyways. I think that's all I have to say in this little honest heart to heart.

I think tomorrow I'll get back to hyping up all the fics I can write and share the cute pics of Snori being adorable

Thank you all for your attention, as well as any reblogs and donations.

Hope y'all have a nice weekend

[children-ofthe-wind]

9/11 life update

Moment of silence for my hopes and dreams.

I'm not even sure if I updated on my blog about the experiences I've been having or that I even made it here. If I haven't, well, I made it to Japan. It's been a little over a month since I made it here. But it hasn't been all sunshine.

I began developing panic attacks here in Japan for the first time in my life. That is another story for later now though.

For now, I want to just recognize that.. things just haven't gone as I expected them to. I was picturing myself being here, happy and healthy to be able to enjoy my life here. And I really want that because I really enjoy my job and I enjoy teaching. But... these panic attacks have been making it hard to live my life here. I feel like my work life is being impacted by these panic attacks that seem to just come on randomly. I really was not expecting this at all. I really hate it to be honest.. I wish this wasn't happening. So in a way.. it feels like my dreams have been a little crushed in a way. I mean, I made my dream come true and came to Japan but it really isn't what I had expected at ALL. And it honestly makes me very sad to have to go through this. It's like now, just going out to new places is so daunting and scary. I checked out a new restaurant yesterday with some people I've talked to, and while I was there, I just felt like I was going to have a panic attack. Things felt hazy. I felt like I was trying to escape my body, like an out of body experience/extreme ungrounding. Then I began to feel my heart race. And then, it became hard to breathe. I tried my best to calm myself down. There was literally nothing happening. I was just there, with my friends, eating ramen. And the restaurant wasn't even full of people either. Yet.. my body and mind began reacting in that way. I honestly don't know what to even say or think. How can I keep living in this way? It happens when I'm in front of the students too. I'll just be talking or explaining something, and suddenly, I feel it coming and I lose what I'm saying or it becomes hard to focus. How do I respond in that situation? I'm still not sure how to navigate it. I want to be able to give my 100% to my students, and to everyone I meet here.. but it has just been extremely difficult with this new issue. It's becoming hard meet new people. It's all becoming too much to be honest. It's all too much right now. And it hurts to say that because I've wanted this for years. And then this happens...

So I've been very disappointed. Unfortunately, I'm disappointed in myself. But I know that isn't good either. I have these thoughts that say, "No one else is experiencing this. Why me? Why can't I just be normal, or like how I was before? Why did this have to happen? Am I really meant to be here?"

So you can see why I feel like my dreams have been crushed a little. I hope to get through this so I can keep living here but I don't know what I'll do if it continues to be extremely difficult to deal with.

This morning, because of what happened yesterday, I felt very sad when I woke up. I feel like I can't live my life to the fullest extent because of this anxiety/panic attack. I feel like it's preventing me from living my life to the fullest. Which, now that I think about.. feels like it means something much deeper. I wonder if my life has always been like this. Do I hold myself back in ways? (yes) And, if so, then in what ways? In what ways do I hide who I am? In what ways do I pretend to not be the real me? In what ways does this anxiety become a blanket over who the real me is? I feel like I've been spiraling into some kind of depression recently because of this. Will my life always be like this.

[moons-and-stars-and-shit]

Good morning, afternoon or night to you! May I request a matchup please?

My name is Ximena, I am an upperclassman in highschool. Pronouns are she/her. I am Mexican-American, fluent in Spanish and English. I am the oldest of my siblings. My zodiac is a Pisces. am 5,2 with an inverted triangle body shape. I'm pale, with natural rosy cheeks. People say I have doe eyes, dark brown. Hair color is the same color and it goes down a few centimeters off the shoulders, but I usually wear it in a ponytail. I am toned, not like a fitness influencer lol.

I am an INFJ. Socializing makes me pretty nervous, but I'll do it if I have to work on a school project or my friends are uncomfortable speaking. I am the "mom" friend of the group, always reminding them to do their work and to take care of themselves. People say I'm sweet and kind for helping them. I do my best to be open-minded and provide realistic advice. My humor is word play, puns and sarcasm. I am a perfectionist, I try my best in everything. I am pretty insecure of myself, very worried about the future and what others think of me. I get irritated if things don't go as planned.

I am dancer, I love every aspect of it. My favorite style would be ballet and my dream would be going professional. I like to read, my favorite genres being fantasy or adventure. In general, I like being active so I enjoy playing sports, mostly tennis though. I like hiking with my dog and nature in general. I treasure deep conversations with my loved ones. I dislike people who are ignorant (any kind of oppression towards minorities), or who complain about work yet they procrastinate. I would rather not publicly speak and despise anything unhygienic. I hate feeling useless or having no motivation.

I hope I didn't overwhelm you with this request. I really enjoy your writing, it's the first blog that caught my eye! Also your layout is lovely and soothing. I hope you are having a great day/night and are doing well 🥰

@magicaldancer5678

A/N- Another matchup that took 500 years to come out 🥲. I’m sorry this took so long! Enjoy ❤️

Asahi Azumane

𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐘𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐌𝐞𝐭

oooookkkaaayyyy

So you and Asahi shared some classes together

and you and him got partnered for a project

This kinda made you two HAVE to spend time together and get to know each other

every day you would go over to his house to work on the project

and then you would just hang out with him as friends for a bit before you went home

And when the time came to present your project

Asahi was very impressed with how you could take the lead in the presentation

he just knew that you could be a little shy at times

so he was NOT expecting you to just go up there and present so confidently

but he was a little relieved cuz he do be a shy boi 444

and even after you, two didn't have to work with each other anymore

you both found yourselves hanging out with each other

you and Asahi ended up building a very strong friendship in the time you two spent together

And after some time Asahi started to realize that he had feelings for you

Luckily for him, there was a perfect opportunity to confess to you...

Your upcoming ballet concert

He always showed up to all of your performances

as all good supportive friend should

But he was going to make this one VERY special

He went all out

After your performance (which you rocked by the way)

He gave you a GIANT bouquet of flowers along with a cute little plushy

And he asked you if you would be interested in going on a date with him

oml he just about fainted when you said yes

Ya'll have been a happy couple ever since then

𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐋𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐀𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐘𝐨𝐮

He loves low you look out for him

Now Asahi is very good at taking care of himself

But we all have our days

And when he has his little off days your always there to take care of him

Whether that be reminding him to drink water or to eat food

Or it be making him take "mental health days"

And since you do all this for him

He makes sure to do his best to take care of you as well :)

He also loves the advice you are able to give him

He doesn't really like to bother anyone with his problems

So it took him a while to start asking you for help with anything

But now whenever he finds himself in a sticky situation

He comes to you for advice

And you always seem to have the perfect solution for him

So he's very grateful for that

And just a quick cheesy one real quick

He loves your eyes

He thinks you can truly see all of your emotions through them

And the way they sparkle in the sun just makes him go 444

𝐅𝐚𝐯𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐓𝐨 𝐃𝐨 𝐓𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫

He loves to read with you

Idk I just got a feeling that he's a really big reader

So just cuddling with you and reading you a book

Bam heaven on earth right there

Omg he LOVES LOVES LOVES to go on hikes with you

Or just walks

He also really likes nature so hiking is super fun for him

Especially if it's with you 444

Finally

You have been trying to teach him Spanish lately

So he really likes spending time with you while learning a new language

And he thinks it's cool that you guys have almost a secret language

Cause not a lot of people at Karasano can speak Spanish

𝐑𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨𝐦 𝐇𝐜

If your wondering you guys got an A on that project

He loves your dog 444

He'll always ask if your dog can come on hikes or walks with you two

Once he learns a little Spanish his new pet name for you is Mi Amor

He's tried playing tennis with you

But he just could not hit the damn ball

He blames it on the ball being too small

He supports your dream about becoming a professional dancer 100%

The entire team always says you too suit each other

𝐀𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐲

When Capricorn and Pisces join together in a love match, on the surface, it may appear to be opposites attracting.

Capricorn is down-to-earth and regimented, with a very strong work ethic

while Pisces tends to be more emotional and dreamy, and takes on the needs of those around them.

This couple is honest, and can be devoted to one another.

They admire one another

Capricorn appreciates Pisces’s kind nature, and Pisces is drawn in by Capricorn’s quick wit and tenacity.

This relationship may develop slowly, the two not necessarily recognizing its progression.

But it will get stronger over time.

The Capricorn-Pisces duo can really put their heads together and can be fulfilled by their partner.

Difficulties can arise if Capricorn is too dominating for Pisces’s sensitive side.

Pisces needs to understand that this is Capricorn’s style and not a personal attack.

Pisces might not take too well to Capricorn’s stubbornness, but can deal with it through patience and understanding.

Pisces enjoys indulging Capricorn through their desire for domestic bliss, which combines well with Capricorn’s need for a neat, tidy home and material goods.

It’s their unique blend of temperaments.

Both partners enjoy sharing their lives with someone else, and both like to help the other achieve their goals.

Their difference in temperaments makes theirs a highly compatible relationship.

𝐎𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐀𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐜

Aphrodite 💖

[ordinaryfander]

The new video sure was something, uh

So, as usual I'm here to brag about the newest video. This time, I'm going to analyze "Dealing with INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS", and it's a long analysis/theory, so be patient with me.

This will majorly center around Remus and "the Others", so beware! (I'm so happy I don't have to call them Dark Sides anymore, it was never fair)

I wrote many points to consider, and each one will take quite a bit. With that, let's begin!

1) So:

[ 1) Remus: Who he is, what he does, why he's there ]

I think we can all agree that his debut was a surprise, especially because most of us were expecting the "Green Side" to be associated with something like Envy, or Greed, since dark green is sometimes associated with money.

However, we got Remus, aka Intrusive Thoughts, which I think is, in my opinion, the best option they could face.

So: he is Thomas' nasty thoughts, the evil, twisted fantasies, and he keeps Thomas' awake at night with dark ideas, he gives him the worst thoughts to deal with, things Thomas is deeply troubled to think of, because as Logan said, his catholic beliefs instilled in him that thought is the precursor of action.

Remus is there, and why is he there?

The fun thing is: I don't think he's there to be "useful". Later I'll explain where I think his Character Arc is going to go, but Remus really doesn't have any reason to be there except that intrusive thoughts are something absolutely everyone deals with. You all have to consider that, even if those are Thomas' Sides, they're also everyone's Sides. We all have Logic, Creativity, Morality, Anxiety, and we all lie (I'll return to that).

And this traits help us live with eveyday life?

But intrusive thoughts? They just majorly upset us, and worsen our view of ourselves, but we all still have them.

However, I'm really happy with this choice, because Thomas is starting to really show what I've been screaming since Deceit's debut: things are not black and white, and he is NOT a completely good person, because NO ONE is, not 100%. We can act like good people and sincerely mean to do good, but we're still gonna have dark, horrible thoughts. And, as Thomas' said, that's ok. Those thoughts don't make you a bad person if you don't act on them, but you should consider a therapist/psychiatrist if they bother you too much. There's no shame in that, too: please, reach out for help, if needed.

[ 2) Remus' relationships with: Roman, Deceit, and Virgil ]

- Remus' relationship with Roman

At 35:50, it's officially and definitely confirmed that Remus and Roman are brothers, probably even twins.

A moment after the Duke disappears, Roman says "I don't like him".

Thomas goes, at Roman: "So, you have a brother?"

And Roman clearly is uncomfortable with it: "Yeah... It's a little like looking into a fun-house mirror. But instead of a giant head, or, like, long legs or a tiny torso... It shows you everything you don't want to be."

Thomas answers: "That doesn't sound like a very funny house"

And Roman: "Yeah... Uhh, whatever, y'know-? (...)"

Roman and Remus obviously don't get along, but we understood that the moment Remus knocked out Roman with that weapon I don't know the name of (sorry rip, don't focus on this :'))

Roman considers himself a dashing Disney Prince, a knight in shining armor, an example of bravery and justice, while Remus is pure chaotic evil. He doesn't care what other people think and his idea of fun and fantasy is twisted, and he isn't afraid of Roman and his sword in the slightest. They're opposites.

Unluckily we didn't get much brotherly interactions or interactions at all, so there's no much to say, but those two have a whole damn lot to work through.

The question that many have been asking is: do Roman and Remus share a room?

The answer is: I honestly don't know. It would be a complete and utter mess that Roman would hate to have to share. Time will tell.

- Remus' relationship with Deceit

We haven't even seen them interacting on screen, but we already know so damn much about it.

WAY BACK in "Can LYING Be Good?", this was said about Deceit:

Roman: "If you really don't want to know something, he (Deceit) can keep our moutjs shut."

And Logan immediately goes "You don't want to believe it. That's where his (Deceit's) power comes from. Things that you want to believe. Things that you wish were true. And things that you wish weren't."

And later:

Deceit is able to shut up the Sides, but he's also able to hide them. That's what he did with Remus, he kept him locked away.

I've always been rooting for morally gray/sympathetic Deceit, but I'll try to stay neutral on this: though, I really believe that Deceit was trying to protect Thomas.

Remus is... A lot, to say the least. He's pure chaos, and isn't useful or helpful (for now) and doesn't even care to be. Deceit, on the other side, really cares about Thomas, and he showed that in many ways: he just cares about Thomas in his own way. Missing the callback of SVS still hurts Thomas after all this time, and I already explained why Deceit tried his best to do what was good for Thomas in court (https://ordinaryfander.tumblr.com/post/183871155711/thomas-shouldve-gone-to-do-the-callback-he).

I also said, tho, that in SVS Deceit was frustrated to no end because the other Sides weren't listening to him.

Look how confused he is at Patton's words.

You know why? Because Thomas thinks what he says. Thomas lies, and Deceit is there to prove it.

But they didn't listen to Deceit, but Deceit isn't like Virgil: Virgil waited lots of episodes to be listened to until he finally ducked out.

Deceit straight up released Thomas' worst thoughts because Thomas had to face in the most hard way that he is n o t a completely honest person. Deceit just got really pissed and went: "You know what? I'm useful, you need me and I'll prove it."

And he just did that. He straight up released Remus, Thomas' worst thoughts, on them. Deceit is the only one who could do that, and you know why he did?

Remus: "Thomas, speaking of knowledge; recently a snake offered me a morsel from the tree of knowledge. He said you're wanting to be more honest and be direct dealing with your issues, no longer will you deceive yourself about the ugliness within you, me!"

Deceit smacked in the face Thomas with Remus, so Thomas could get the point. I think he did. "If you don't want to lie to yourself, at least face who you really are"

About Remus and Deceit alone...

I don't think Deceit really likes Remus. Deceit is kinda goofy, but he's also sophisticated, charming, a silver-tongue. Remus is a stinky garbage man.

Deceit wants to protect Thomas' reputation, Remus would destroy it. Probably Remus likes Deceit (I think he likes everyone, he doesn't care), but Deceit doesn't really reciprocate the feeling. I could surely be proven wrong, those are just my points.

- Remus' relationship with Virgil

Boy oh boy.

Well, the video already said what I could'be said: Virgil dislikes Remus, he doesn't trust him, but he's also not as scared of him anymore like he used to be.

Virgil, at Remus (32:27): "I thought you were some... Horrible illness. Now I can see that you're just a common cold, a mild inconvenience that's gone before you know it."

And Remus looks at him like this:

That's not a evil look. He's soft, almost proud.

He isn't even offended. He just goes "Eheh, you tickle me, emo."

And Virgil has one blink-and-you-miss-it-moment when he genuinely smiles.

I think he did somehow used to like (platonically y'all) Remus, even if he was scared of him. They were still... Friends, maybe, at some point. Deceit and Virgil never had such a kind-of-sweet moment, even if just a few seconds long, and even if the Duke and Virgil still are not likely to get along in general and for the time being. The Duke's phrase about Old Times wasn't a welcomed one by Virgil.

I don't wanna dig in too much else, we already know that Virgil doesn't still trust the Duke. That was just some looks I noticed that stuck with me.

Also, I won't ignore the fragment revelead his name and said: "Of course (I told you, Thomas), I would never hide anything to you." And it cuts right off to Virgil. Eh. Busted.

- How Will His Character Arc Go?

That one is the most important question.

Everyone is gonna believe what they will, but I don't think he'll get... Sympathetic, even? He's just pure chaos.

Maybe his Arc will entangle with a Roman new one, maybe his Arc will entangle with Deceit's. I do hope that Thomas and co. will now value Deceit better, he really isn't that bad... At least, not compared to Remus.

Deceit shut up Logan guys, but Remus straight up murdered him. Even if they can't literally die, y'all really can't close a whole eye on that.

So I just think he's gonna stay around and do mischief, but will surely get some sort of development related to other characters. I'm almost sure he won't get a Solo Arc, surely not for now. However, I'm pretty sure they'll get back to talk how to manage him, and how he can become more useful.

- Conclusions and predictions for the next video

Honestly, sorry this was messier than my normal analysis/theory posts, but I don't fully know how to take Remus yet.

Y'all see, the moment I knew Deceit I made my mind up: he's morally gray, he has a purpose, he has to get credit for it.

Remus confused me in every possible way. He's chaos. I'm sure we won't see him in the next video, but I predict maybe Deceit will be in it, just to look how good of a job he's done.

And that's pretty much it. I hope you all have a good time :>

[boredom-reigns]

Ken Amada : Character Introspection

Persona 3 and some P4:AU Spoilers!

Ken Amada is honestly one of my favourite Persona 3 characters. I know the way his character arc was handled was somewhat flawed (like when he basically doesn't matter after the closure of Oct. 4), but I still love him a lot nevertheless.

My main problem is honestly the fact that a lot of people in the fandom hate him so much it can get grating, especially if it's for nonsensical reasons (like him apparently being the cause of Shinjiro's death even though the person who shot the guy was right there).

I mean, not liking characters is fine. I respect other people's opinions. But spreading misinformation based on a misinterpretation of a scene is... yeah.

Note: These are my opinions and interpretations of his character based on P3 and P4:AU. Other opinions and interpretations are welcome!

First off, like most Persona characters, Ken's character is based off an archetype. Ken's archetype, you could say that it's based on the Adorably Precocious Child trope. He's acts too mature for his age, even trying to hide his childishness by denying the fact he watches Featherman and saying that he drinks black coffee.

But this maturity came at a cost. From the little glimpses of childishness that Ken has shown (for example, the movie showing event where he's basically jumping up and down in happiness because the superhero movie was so cool!) along with his reinforcement of the idea that no, he's capable even at 11 years old (one of his battle voice lines is "Don't underestimate me because of my age") makes me believe that he wasn't always like this. He was forced to mature due to circumstances or he forced himself to mature due to circumstances.

What was this circumstance?

Obviously, the death of his mom.

Ken's mom is a huuuggeee part of his life and basically affected him a lot. Her death made him what he was today. First is that he saw her get murdered right in front him. Of course he's going to be traumatised. Not only that, he had something to direct his anger and hatred to (I'll talk about that later).

But when he told people about what he saw, nobody believed him, obviously. But remember this, Ken was a kid. He was 9 at the time. And he was 100% sure that what he saw was real. When he was being basically labeled as a liar because everyone won't believe him and just treated him as some fragile, traumatised kid, he's going to lash out. He knew it was real yet everyone just thinks that he was lying. He didn't think that obviously no one would believe him because he was deep in grief and hatred. He wanted justice. But no one would help him because everyone's saying that it was an accident. And he hated that.

He had a target to hate, yet he was powerless to inflict punishment (his idea of "justice") on that target.

So he wanted to be capable. If no one's going to help him, then so be it. He'll do his own justice. So Ken forced himself to grow up. He forced himself to be more mature, copying the image of capability he believes in.

Another thing that possibly added to Ken forcing himself to mature is the way people treated him afterwards. To outsiders, he was a traumatised kid. Ken says in his conversation with Shinjiro that he just receives pity no matter where he goes and he hates that pity.

I've seen LPs where they're like "huh, but isn't that good?" to that line. Speaking as someone who has lost a loved one and dealed with other people who lost a loved one, expressing pity is a balancing act.

It's hard to express pity because people deal with grief differently and some people despise pity when they're grieving. Some people are of the mentality of "what use is your pity because it's not going to bring them back!". Being treated differently because you lost someone or being treated as some fragile person made of glass who's going to have a breakdown at any time is horrible. Moving on can be so hard when everyone is tiptoeing around you. And I think that's what Ken felt.

What Ken needed during his grieving was someone who would support him. Someone who believed in him. He didn't need someone who just stood along the sidelines and pitied him. He needed someone who actually approached him and bothered to listen. I feel like that was what Ken was looking for: someone to listen to him. Because everyone around him never listens and just calls him off as a liar. He had no support system whatsoever. He was staying alone in the elementary school dorm and from the convenience store bentos in his room that can be seen in P3D, you can infer that he was forced to take care of himself for 2 years. For 2 years, all he got was financial support and never the needed emotional support.

Because of this, he was left to internalise his grief which then evolved into hatred. He didn't have anybody anymore. There was no point in living for him because his mom, his light, was gone. No one else was there to give him a reason to live. No family, no friends, no one who believes in him. Ken felt that it was only him against the world.

So why should he keep on living?

And this is where the idea that he has a target enters in. This target of his hatred became his one and only purpose. Why? Because it was the only thing that was there for him. He had no one and nothing. The only thing he had in life was this target of his extreme hatred. The target for his justice. Giving the rightful punishment to this target became his only purpose in life to the point that after killing Shinjiro, he was going to kill himself. Ken's only reason to live was to kill Shinjiro for revenge.

As for his entire "Mom would've wanted this.", I feel like that's more of him trying to justify his actions. He had a target of his giref: Shinjiro. He wanted to kill Shinjiro because Shinjiro killed his mom. But murder is a very daunting task. Even Ken hesitated. I feel like he just justified himself with "Mom would've wanted this." so he can do it. Because killing Shinjiro is the only thing left in life for him. It's the only thing he can do now. He had no reason for living other than Shinjiro's death. So he tried to justify it so he would be able to get through doing it and to give him more reasons as to why he should really do it and not hesitate.

On October 4, it was an utter disaster especially when Takaya (*cough* Shinjiro's real killer *cough* people who keep insisting that Ken is the killer) arrived. At this part, Ken finds out about Shinjiro's drug deal. He loses his shit because he finds out that Shinjiro's going to die early anyway no matter what he does. Killing Shinjiro at this point felt like knocking someone who was already down. It had no point. And because killing Shinjiro had no point, Ken's entire purpose for living had no point. So... He had no purpose.

And this was why Ken went "I have no reason to live."

Other things we can actually see on October 4 is that Ken does care about SEES. He joined SEES with ulterior motives but in the end, he cares. He pretended that he was the navigator to make sure that Takaya won't find out about Fuuka and that Takaya would target him. The time he spent in SEES was most likely the most emotional support he got (and that's kinda sad because SEES is like the most dysfunctional party out of all the Persona games (except maybe P2:EP?)). He got people who saw the same things he saw, people who understood him. He got people who actually bothered to talk to him and listen. Heck, you can even bring him to the movies which I'm sure is great because who knows how long has that kid haven't seen a movie or had fun. There's people who actually don't treat him with so much pity. That fact that you can bring him to Tartarus, I think he's glad about that because he's not underestimated. Ken was respected in SEES as an equal and he appreciated it.

After the entire Oct. 4 shenanigans, Ken has learned to look into himself. He realized his mistakes, his deep hatred blinding him, but most of all, he found a reason to live. He finally moved on, and decided to live as that was what his mom and Shinjiro would've truly wanted.

Then fast forward to P4:AU we can see that he's indeed living. He's pretty much the most popular guy in school, he's in Student Council, and he's even in the soccer club. But he can't fully live yet.

If you've P3 episode of P4:AU, you'd play the Ken vs Shadow Ken part which actually reveals a lot about post-P3 Ken. If you haven't, watch it here.

Ken can't be 100% content with his current life. He feels fake, being a child again, going to school normally and having friends his age to talk and laugh with. This is because of how much his past has destroyed his childhood. He was forced to mature, forced to see things his age shouldn't see, forced to experience things that he shouldn't experience that age. No one his age could understand. They were too innocent while the ones who could understand him (SEES) were too old.

An interesting thing about his entire image post-P3 is that he was basically the "ideal student". He was handsome, smart, athletic, responsible, etc. It makes me wonder if he got that image because it was what he thought was what living was (which his mom and Shinjiro wanted) or because that was what people expected of him. I can see him trying to be more of a child because people expected him to be lighter as the entire Tartarus-Nyx dilemma was gone. I can also see him forcing himself to be more of a child as he feels the obligation to take back the childhood he lost. But that's it, he forced himself. He's not content because for him, he's fake.

Ken's fake he only wanted to fight and this affects him. I think he wanted to fight because that felt the closest to his true self: who he was when he was with SEES. He wanted to help the Shadow Operatives because it was the only environment he can be 100% honest to himself. No pretending that he had a normal life. It was living as him, with people who knew him. In the end, it circles back to the point that he finds fighting Shadows as a purpose to live.

This chapter also showed that Shinjiro still affects him. He blames himself for what happened on October 4, with his monologues saying that he committed a mistake in relation to Shinjiro's death. Shinjiro is an important person to him and his death was very much impactful.

Then Ken fights his fake, where he says that he's been "conceited" and "didn't understand anything at all". I take this as a point of enlightenment for him. What he didn't understand was "living". He followed a mold that be felt he should follow. He thought that he could only feel true to himself by only fighting supernatural creatures. He realised that he wasn't truly living at this point. He thought he understood that he was living like how his mom and Shinjiro wanted but he wasn't. He was still stuck in the past.

This was why I loved his epilogue. In his epilogue, he decides to quit the Shadow Operatives. He decides that it was time for him to move on from their dark past and continue living, not only for his mom and Shinjiro, but also for himself. He thinks that it was better for him this way. He gets to regain his childhood.

His fangirls notice that he's become less distant and more warm to approach, showing signs that he's beginning to open up to people. Despite the fact that he can never tell people about the whole Shadows and Personas, he can still make new bonds. He doesn't have to be stuck on one bond.

This doesn't mean he's abandoning SEES. He still recognises his string bond with them, one might even say that they're family at this point. But just because he has a bond with them doesn't mean he should only restrict himself to them. He can make new, true bonds that aren't fake.

He finds out how to truly live. He just enjoys the moment and finally lets go, showing his inner child.

Ken's character is all about the purpose of life. Because even if life is so hard it feels like death, there's always a reason to live. Even if you can't find your purpose to live now, you will find it someday.

[thefaultinourdefault-blog]

Hi Tumblr! I’m Gay

So basically, I started a journal recently, more specifically about the process I've gone through towards accepting my sexuality, for mental health purposes. Not a big deal really, just some angsty journal entries from a closeted midwesterner. Reading Love, Simon and Symptoms of Being Human inspired me to start an anonymous blog full of these journal entries. I'm not really expecting anyone to read them, but if you do: Hi, you can call me R. Is just a single letter enigmatic enough for you?

Oof, is it pretentious for me to start a tumblr blog about myself? I mean I guess that’s what the world of blogging is all about. (But does anybody really truly blog like this here on tumblr anymore? I don’t think so-) You take a tiny piece of your day to pick up a laptop or some other smartphone or tablet thing and you write about a tiny fraction of your life that people may or may not care about. With most people though, they talk about all the good parts like how some vegan obtains this unreasonably and unattainable body in the healthiest way possible, or how some soccer mom named Karen manages a house of five children, two dogs, and a coup full of chickens. But like most things online, none of it’s real. Or at least, it’s only half real. Like youtube beauty vloggers or instagram models, you get to chose what you say online, and for most people, they chose to only show the best parts of themselves. Understandably so, if you have the choice as to how you will portray yourself, you’re most likely going to do so in the most glorified way possible.(Have my ramblings lost you yet? I bet you think I sound like some wannabe John Green character, in which case, you’re probably correct.)

I was scrolling through tumblr today, looking at other journaling and bloggy blogs, and I saw a quote:

“Advice to Young Journal Keepers. Be lenient with yourself. Conceal your worst faults, leave out your most shameful thoughts, actions, and temptations. Give yourself all the good and interesting qualities you want and haven’t got. If you should die young, what comfort would it be to your relatives to read the truth and have to say: It is not a pearl we have lost, but a swine?” -Rosamond Lehmann

You’ll probably see it too if you just look up “Journal” in the search bar. It’s one of the first results that come up. (There is, however, a concerning amount of “pro-ana” shit in the tag. Watch out, being triggered isn’t fun.) Anyways, I’m not quite sure who this Rosamond Lehman lady is, and I suppose as an English Literature nerd I should have an idea -- all I know is the tiny bits of information that you can get from a quick Google search -- but all I can say is that I disagree with this qoute on every level possible. The reason why I keep my journal, isn’t so that I can preserve the best parts of myself. It isn’t for my relatives or loved ones after I pass, and even so, if they love me any less for the imperfect parts of myself then frankly, it won't be mattering to me anyways. I'll be dead. But this journal is for myself. It’s for all of me, not just the glorified parts that I’d want to put in front of a camera, but also all the other parts; the broken, the beaten, and the damned. In this blog, I will be as honest as anonymously possible.

So here we go, you can call me R. I’m 16 years old. I’m a she/her, but I don’t really care about pronouns. (For myself, I’ll respect yours of course.) And I’m Gay. Or I guess you could say Lesbian, it doesn’t really matter what label you use to define me. Queer? That works too. As long as it’s clear that I definitely absolutely do not like males. Sorry guys, I just don’t roll that way. We can still be friends?

Some people say I can o n l y identify as lesbian; that should be my only, and if not only, my primary self-identifier. “The term ‘gay’ is gendered, and strictly reserved for MALE homosexuals.” and yadda yadda, but the thing is, lesbian isn’t really my favorite word to use to identify myself as. Like don’t get me wrong, I still use it, but it’s just not what I’m the most comfortable with. And at the end of the day, isn’t being a member of the LGBTQ+ community all about using the labels and pronouns that make you most comfortable? It’s supposed to be our space, and sometimes our only space where we can be 100% ourselves all of the time (unless you’re a pedophile.You don’t belong here. I’m sorry. Not really) 

Maybe I’m still uncomfortable with the word Lesbian because of my internalized homophobia, which, as I’ve checked, is still alive and thriving within me - like whatever it is that possessed Will Byers to know that the Mind Flayer was coming. The hatred I feel towards myself for being different is still there, it’s just not always active.

Or maybe it’s because the word “lesbian” is itself, a very gendered word. I’m a cis female, and I don’t really feel or think that I’m nonbinary, but I still feel uncomfortable when very obvious gender rolls are placed upon me. Some days I enjoy looking so adrogynous that people can’t figure me out. That’s just the way I am. 

Or maybe it’s just because I’m a very complicated human. Like, for example, what if I end up developing feelings for a Non-Binary person? I mean, I know that I find Bex Taylor-Klaus e x t r e m e l y attractive, and despite their amount of female rolls in movies and television, Bex Taylor-Klaus is, in fact, a they. And Bex Taylor-Klaus can still get it (in my dreams. I know they’re 24. You can calm down. There’s easily people far younger than me on this app thirsting over Jensen Ackles, and I’m not even really thirsting). So then, if I were to one day date or have any kind of romantic interest in a Non-Binary person that I actually know, then wouldn’t it be disrespectful or “enbyphobic” to categorize myself as a lesbian?

I think Dan Howell did a very good job describing how I feel in his coming out video. I am, in fact, a formless blob. I’m not quite sure what the world thinks that I should categorize myself as, but whatever it is, I know that it’s gay, so gay is what I’m sticking with, and when -- or if -- I eventually come out to my family. Gay is most likely the word that I’ll use.

So, how’s that for a first-ever actual blog post? Pretty boring? I thought so too, but at the end of the day this blog is for me, and it doesn’t really matter how many people do or don’t read it, and it doesn’t really matter how many people enjoy it. It just feels good to finally be able to put my real self out there, even if nobody will ever know who I am.

But if you did by some chance read this far, congratulations! You officially have all the patience that I don’t! Here’s your exit ticket:

Regardless as to your gender identity or sexuality (and yes, those two things are very separate and different), is there any celebrity that never fails to make you question your sexuality?

Signing off,

R