#i'm blaming her for being too fun to draw. we can't see it in-game but this is 100% how i imagine her being if not for engine limitations

[valiant-portabella-pirkko]

'I should really sketch something other than Scarlet Briar expressions,' I say to myself continuing to sketch nothing except Scarlet Briar expressions (and exactly one thorny mordremified hand)

[writteninlunarlight-years]

Can I request a match-up for Baldur's Gate 3 & Obey Me please?

Gender: Female

Pronouns: She/Her

Sexuality: Straight (Please exclude Raphael, Emperor, Cazador, Thorm, and the Withers!)

Appearance: I'm a skinny woman who looks like a teenager despite being in my late twenties. My height is like 154cm. I have dark armpit length hair that's tied in a low ponytail. I have big eyes, and I wear wide frame glasses. My nose shape is fleshy nose. I wear oversized t-shirts, baggy pants, and sport shoes

(MBTI &/or Engram if you would like to take the tests and add it) : INFP-T

Personality: I'm shy, timid, quiet & polite to strangers. With people I'm comfortable with, I'm loud, outgoing, playful, mature, responsible, motherly(to naughty friends), childlike(to mature friends/family) and sarcastic (unintentionally).

I'm kinda tomboyish as I wear over-sized t-shirts, baggy pants, sneakers but don't play sports or video games. I'm a slow learner, not smart, not strong, and not talented. I'm pretty dense, straightforward, oblivious, and naive too.

I get confused or misunderstand what people meant easily so it's best if you tell me straight to my face so I can't be mistaken. I'm also touch starved as I love giving & receiving affection but I only can hug one person and even then, I do my best to not overdo it.

I'm a hopeless romantic, sensitive, forgetful, & overthink often. I work as hard as I can & try my best & be careful as I can to everything I do, as I'm pretty clumsy & makes mistakes more often than most people. I try to help my family and friends as they've helped me & cared for me dearly.

I try to communicate properly & ask for their consent first before doing anything because I misunderstood that I had their permission before. I do my best to give people the benefit of doubt but I do have my limits. I don't really get angry often that even my family & friends are surprised when it happens once in a blue moon.

I don't believe in compliments I get occasionally or why my family & friends care for me because I don't see good things in myself only bad things.

Likes (at least like three things): music, fanfiction, manga, anime, cartoons, books (If I find it interesting), family, friends, potato chips, chocolate, cakes, bread, anyone who is kind, patient, supportive, helpful, tries at least, trustworthy, responsible, fair in general, respectful, flexible, honest, open-minded, humble, sincere, accepting, thoughtful, encouraging, forgiving, careful, understanding, wise, mature, cooperative, caring, etc. That's more but that's all I could think of.

Dislikes (at least three things): anyone who's rude, disrespectful, doesn't listen to others, refuse to admit mistakes, blames others for their mistakes, ignores people yet demands attention from them, demanding, won't acknowledge what you said, hypocritical, biased, irresponsible, careless, disloyal, inconsiderate, insensitive, inflexible, petty, hostile, untrustworthy, immature, uncooperative, unforgiving, judgemental, narrow-minded, self-centred, unethical, self-righteous, etc. That's more but that's all I could think of.

Hobbies : drawing, reading manga, listening to music, fanfics especially reader inserts, and watching anime, movies, & cartoons. My favourite genre is romance but I love comedy, mystery, action, sci-fi, fantasy, and historical too! My favourite music genre is pop, but I also love ballads, & alternative rock!

Extra fun fact (this is about whoever you are describing to me): I'm kinda perverted which contrasts my innocent & baby face. I keep it to myself though. I always need to let the cinema employees check my identity card to verify my age whenever I watch a R-rated movie.

Although a kind stranger realises I'm older than I looked when we talked about how I didn't lashed out in anger at someone who didn't do anything wrong to me because I know how it felt to be in that position.

Please and thank you!

It's finally the weekend!!! I am ready to pump out some content for my favorite people!

~~~~~ MATCH UP ~~~~~

For your Baldurs Gate 3 match up I chose this person due to their great sarcasm, loyalty, stubbornness, and deep understanding of struggling with self love.

I match you with-------

Astration Ancunin (Non Ascended)

~~~~~ Headcanon ~~~~~

The first time he met you, he thought you were a child until he got up close to you and realized you were just a very innocent-looking adult.

Astarion can't remember the last time he had a mother, he has only experienced 200 years of being a slave and being hurt.

Astarion loves it when you mom him. He will act like he doesn't, but he secretly craves for someone to take care of him and not let the bad eat him alive anymore.

The dry sarcasm king will attempt many battles of wits with you only to get frustrated that you're just slightly better, so he resorts to flirting and cheap tactics.

Astarion also struggles with compliments. He knows he must be attractive because of the number of people he has taken to his master, but he just can't see past the monster he thinks he is.

Due to his own issues with self-image, he takes extra care to describe clearly and in detail what he loves about you and finds beautiful.

~~~~~ BLURB ~~~~~

Your group had safely reached the east bridge leading you into Baldurs Gate. Worn down, hungry, and quite the smelly group, you sought refuge at the first tavern. As you entered the building, it was apparent how costly this would be. Looking at your dwindling coin pouch and your exhausted companions, you sucked it up and went to the tavern keeper. "We need eight beds, please." You gently placed your coin pouch on the table, separating you two. The tavern clerk looked through your coins and set down 4 keys. "This all I gots for ya, kiddo. Why someone as young as you got so much gold." Sighing dramatically, you grabbed the keys. "I am an adult, sir."

You walked over to reconvene with your group, giving them the bad news of the bed situation. Lazel and Shadowheart, having worked through their differences, offered to sleep together. Gale and Halsin had just started discussing the inner workings of combining nature with the weave, which they used as a reason to pair up. Wyll and Karlach had so much sexual tension after their joined union that it would be unfair to separate them. Leaving you and the pale elf left to share. You all made it to your rooms, hoping to get a good night's rest. As you entered, you began to make a pallet on the floor. "Love, I can not allow you to sleep on the floor." You smirked, continuing, "Good, I didn't ask for permission." Astarion scoffed before grabbing your pallet materials and plopping them on the bed. You whipped around to look at him.

"Love, you do so much for our group; you keep us going and me going. If I let you sleep on the ground and wear out your back, I would not only face the wrath of the group and myself but also not be able to live with myself as your partner." Hearing the sincerity in his voice, you smiled softly. You made your way over to the bed, and as you sat down, you grabbed his arm and brought him with you. "Then I say we share a bed; I know we said we'd go slow with anything more, but some cuddles, I think, would do us both some good." Nodding at you with a soft smile, Astarion positioned himself on the bed, allowing you to curl up into him. Honestly, it was the best night of sleep of your life.

~~~~~ EXTRA ~~~~~

(After the final battle, sitting outside admiring the moon with Astarion, you two imagine what nightlife will mean for you now.)

Astarion: I never thought the day would come when I wouldn't need to watch my back.

Y/N: I am proud of you for the choice you made. Together, we can accomplish anything. We just gotta believe in each other.

(Astarion snorts and lays back on the ground)

Astarion: You sound like a school teacher, which is ironic cause you look like a school kid.

(Gasping in shock and smacking his arm lightly)

Y/N: How dare you? There are no cuddles for you tonight.

For your Obey Me! matchup, I chose someone super intelligent and nonjudgmental—unless you're Mammon. He is possessive, especially when his eldest brother notices what is his and cares about what he finds oh-so-cute.

I match you with------

Satan

~~~~~ HEADCANON ~~~~~

It is no lie that Satan is obsessed with cats. He thinks they are the most perfect innocent creatures in the world.

Innocent creatures, innocent girlfriends; what I am getting at is he tried to get you to dress up as a kitten once or twice.

He loves to read with you; he will even help you transcribe books from the devildom you can't read.

Satan is to the point with his brothers, other demons, and especially his partner. The only time satan doesn't talk directly to anyone is when it involves one of his insecurities.

He is a sarcastic man. I mean, come on, we see it in the game. From calling out Mammon to pointing out things Beel does, he makes sure to lace it all with sarcasm.

If you mess up anything in his presence, he is very gentle with you. he knows how frustrating it can be to mess up and how infuriating it is when someone talks down to you like a child.

Satan's wrath comes out almost instantly when he hears someone wrong you, whether that is them calling you a child or making you mad.

~~~~~ BLURB ~~~~~

You had been visiting the nearby grocery store with Satan, shopping for dinner tonight. Satan asked you kindly to help him with dinner, and how could you not agree? As you perused the aisle with Satan, looking for what he would cook, you couldn't help but get distracted by the flower section.

Of course, the devildom had some similar flowers as they did in the mortal realm, but most were new to you and quite interesting. As you looked over the flowers, you began to give yourself a mini test on their names and properties, seeing as you and Satan had just finished transcribing a book on devildom flowers. You pulled back and looked around once you had gotten through most of the flowers. Satan was gone; you were in an unfamiliar place, and a shady demon approached you. Shit. Preparing yourself for the encounter, you went back to the flowers. Maybe he will lose interest if you don't interact.

"Heya doll, whatcha doing buying some flowers for mommy." You turned around to face the demon irritation tight on your brow. The demon looked shocked before smirking."Not flowers for mommy, but maybe flowers for yourself. Don't have a man who could buy these for you?" You scoffed at the redicouls notion, "Excuse me but I don't need a man to buy me flowers I can buy them myself. However, I have a man who would be more than happy too." The demon pulled back, looking around you, noticing no one in sight. "Looks like you got no one who would I hates to break it to you." As the demon bent back down in your face, ready to make a wildly inappropriate proposition to you, he suddenly went flying across the store.

Before you stood Satan in his complete form, breathing heavily. "Leave her alone; she doesn't want to talk to a lowlife like you." Looking up at your partner, you couldn't help but smile softly. As Satan turned to look at you, he slowly transformed and grabbed your hand, muttering a soft "I'll get you flowers before we leave."

~~~~~ EXTRA ~~~~~

(You and satan had decided that after reading an excellent book together, you would watch the movie adaption next. Satan went to collect food for the occasion as you got the theater room ready. Walking in with a large amount of snacks, you were surprised it wasn't Beel helping instead)

Y/N: Woah, love, let me help you with all of that

(Helping take some of the load off of Satan's arms, you noticed all of your favorite foods and very little of Satan's.)

Satan: I may have gone overboard trying to make sure Beel didn't eat your snacks, which I paid little attention to on my own.

Y/N: (holding back a laugh) Don't worry, love, I am more than willing to share.

I hope you like it! I am so glad to be back in the writing groove. Twenty-four hours of no stories and facing off with a storm was far too much for me, lol!

[voicefromthecorner]

This unnamed friend story is one we only get related to us by Another Day Neku. But I've always said I'm not typically one to assume information like this exists for its own sake. I don't think this is just a random sad side story for our counterpart protagonist just to give him a bit more motivation to be concerned about Hanekoma. I think this is being shown to us because it's relevant to our Neku as well.

Ultimately this is all a matter of interpretation. Reviewing evidence to look for contradictions, corroborations, or relevant information that lacks either:

One of Neku's opening lines of the whole game is that he doesn't "get" people. "Never have, never will"

When Rhyme dies, Neku feels a sense of deja vu for a specific event, but due to his lost memory, he can't remember what it is.

When talking about the Udagawa tag, Neku says he'd often go there after school, but he doesn't mention how he found it.

In response to a specific question by Joshua about having friends, Neku turns away and dismisses it, specifically saying "I never met anyone fun to be around"

This Neku is driven massively to help Hanekoma, partly out of a fear that he could lose him too and out of a sense of guilt. Hanekoma's fate is a mere case of paranoia here, but when Shiki's life was definitely on the line in our Neku's universe, something he bore the blame for in his own head, his determination to save her was relentless.

We don't know much about either Neku's backstory, though I made a point (that could be nothing) that it seems like Another Day Neku has a happier home life. Obviously there are a number of more explicit differences with him and the world at large, but his insights here do show a very similar point of view and history to our Neku.

Secret Report 12 states that Neku was unable to respond accordingly to CAT's "Enjoy the moment" message because of "past trauma".

This leaves us with two possibilities:

Our Neku never had this friend and his sense of deja vu may have come from somewhere else, possibly even the loss of a parent. He had a different life that led to him finding the mural his own way, but he's still Neku Sakuraba at heart. His friendship with Shiki and opening his world to other people led to him discovering the value of both friendship and community for the first time. Another Day Neku contrasts him by having had a taste of friendship in his past that gives this Tin Pin obsessed version of him a bit more depth as a Neku who had and lost something our Neku discovered in our story.

Our Neku's backstory overlaps with Another Day's version here and this lost friend is an untold part of our Neku's story. It was the source of his deja vu when Rhyme died and the memory of it reinforced the guilt and fear he felt for Shiki being his entry fee. He's largely repressed or lives in denial of the event out of shame, sadness or guilt, which possibly helped to motivate his anti-social worldview. His journey in our game was a rediscovery of friendship as well as the discovery of broader community and its value, having previously tied himself down to one friend and nobody else. Another Day Neku contrasts him with a pre-existing friendship with Mr H and an investment in Tin Pin that led to the differences between them and the divergence in their stories.

So what conclusion do you draw? As I said, I think being told this has a main story purpose and I think the evidence points more to this being a piece of our Neku's backstory that we find out in Another Day. It's interesting though. I like how it's not clearly all one thing but the pieces are there for us to put together as we see fit. But, y'know, "The world as one person sees it is tiny..."

I think it's also an interesting insight into Neku's views and understanding of friendship, especially looking at the situations of his partners. He didn't support the idea of Ai and Mina lying to each other. Shiki had a friend with the same strong shared interest as her. Joshua was a new friend for Neku that agreed and related to him. And Beat was someone who felt guilt and shame at causing the death of someone close to him.

Of course, I'm late in saying all of this, so I'll feel pretty foolish if it's confirmed one way or another in A New Day or NEO.

And obviously, this friend hasn't been seen and remains a mystery, but it has to be wondered if he didn't end up in the Reaper's Game after his death.

[lee-donghun]

Neung didn't know how it all happened. One minute he was playing a game on his bed, and the next his lips were on his best friends. He knew it was an accident, that wasn't the problem, his problem was that he *liked* it.

At the time, he played it off as weird, but his fast paced heart said otherwise. He couldn't deny the feeling to himself that he wanted to kiss him again- for real this time. Just as he couldn't deny the feeling of wanting to kiss Kay that day he fell on top of him during a pillow fight.

Truthfully, he thought about Kay's lips a lot over the past couple of years. However he always played it off as curiosity for what it'd be like to kiss a boy. After all, everyone has wondered about that! ...Right?

However, Neung didn't know how that could apply to the current situation. Kay must just be a good kisser, that is all. He doesn't *actually* like anyone else than girls. That was Kay's thing.

"Neung- are you okay? You are being very quiet?" Akk asked from beside him in the break room.

Pong shared a look with his roommate, Kin, before piping in far too cheerily with "did you have a lover's spat?"

After that comment, it took Neung a minute to respond, "we aren't lovers! And no- nothings wrong. I'm just bored."

Neung was left surprised by how much it hurt to say those words, and why he instinctively looked for Kay.

"We all know that's a lie. You can talk to us you know." Tone replied.

Realistically, Neung knew Tone meant the 'nothing is wrong' part was a lie- however that didn't stop his heart from skipping a beat at the thought of him and Kay as lovers. Instead of replying he just looked down, lost in thought.

He was conflicted. Was it possible that he could have feelings for his Best Friend? Was that why he felt giddy inside everytime Kay had an arm on him? Why Kay being upset affected him so much? Why he felt at home with Kay?

With that last thought, Neung knew that he could no longer deny it. He had feelings for Kay. He wouldn't admit it out loud either though. Not only was it too soon- but there was no way Kay liked him. He knew Kay was gay, but if he did, he would have hit on him already. Kay was always very confident in his flirting after all.

Suddenly, his realization turned to distraught. Kay didn't like him. He didn't have a chance. Instead- he would have to move on. Yeah that's what he had to do.

-------

"I'm going out for supper tonight. I'll see you later." Neung stated as he slipped on his shoes.

"You aren't inviting me to come with?" Kay inquired with a pout.

Being couldn't blame him for being upset. He always ate with Kay. He can't remember the last time he didn't unless the other was working. They even ate on holidays together. They switched who's family they saw each year on Christmas too. It was there thing

"We'll have breakfast together tomorrow. I have a date tonight though."

"O-oh," Kay looked down and twiddled his thumbs, "I'll see you later   then."

Neung's resolution crushed under the weight of the emotion in Kay's face. It was obvious he upset the other and he couldn't handle it. He would just have to ignore his feelings in some way other. He didn't actually have a date after all, he just tried to avoid spending all his time with Kay.

"You know what? I should cancel it. I don't really like her anyways..." Neung replied trying to cheer Kay up.

"No- don't. Go. You might have fun."

"I've made my decision. I would rather have supper with you. Let me text her."

Being didn't wait for a reply before pretending to text someone, and then sitting at the table across from Kay.

"Are you sure about this Neung?"

"I'm always sure when it comes to time with you."

At this, Kay smiled his softest smile and looked down happily. This was always Neung's favorite smile out of anyone else. It could fill his heart with joy no matter how he felt beforehand. Thus, Neung was transfixed and he couldn't tear his eyes away.

Soon, Kay looked back up and his eyes met with Neung's. Neung gulped at being caught staring. Kay's smile only widened at this though.

"Neung- can I kiss you?"

Neung mutely nodded in slow motion, unable to make a sound.

Kay got up, and without much warning, his lips were on Neung's for a second time. This time though, both actually moved their lips and participated. Neung moved his hands to Kay's head drawing him closer as Kay rested his arms around Neung's neck. Neither moved until they needed more air.

As they regained air, Kay rested his forehead on Neung's. Any apprehension melted away as they smiled at eachother, just basking in each other's presence. They knew that they had passed the point of no return already. Their relationship would begin again, in a different, better way this time.

[artistlove17]

This was my Nana at my second birthday party!

She and my Papaw bought me a new swingset that year.

My mom gave me some old pictures the other day on my 21st birthday from my 2nd birthday party, so this picture of my Nana is 19 years old... that's wild.

I've been thinking a lot about my Nana and my Papaw and my mom. And I realized that most of the people around my age act the way they do (fucking crazy) because of their parents and the environment they were raised in. Most of them had parents who either wouldn't allow them to do things (or couldn't afford it) or the opposite, where they forced their kids to play a sport or like a certain thing. (The amount of fathers I've seen get pissed off when their boys don't want to hunt deer or play football... I cannot tell you! Extreme Christian men are fucking bonkers about their children not being exactly how they want them...)

And it occurred to me that I actually didn't really have to deal with that. Not to any extreme level anyway...

I've seen a friend cry and scream and have several mental breakdowns because her dad would steal her journals and read them and told her that as long as she lived under his roof she wouldn't keep any secrets from him. He told her that reading was a waste of her time and money and refused to let her mom buy her the books she wanted. He told her that art and writing were also a waste of her time and practically beat it into her head that all she would ever amount to was a housewife who stayed at home raising babies and caring for a manchild/husband.

And he absolutely hated my guts because I tried my DAMNDEST to get her out of that mindset and to get her to see that she could be or do whatever she wanted (she WANTED to teach elementary school). (It all ended up with us falling out and her reverting back to being his little puppet and following every order he spit at her.) And so he ended up forcing her to go to college on a small grant and a student loan... but made her take the nursing program. Which she ended up failing out of almost immediately because nursing programs are extremely competitive and she was an average student with barely passing grades. (Not trying to make fun of her, but the standards compared to her actual grades were EXTREMELY unrealistic, even she knew it. But her father insisted.)

She ended up dropping out, marrying a criminal (also one of the ugliest dudes I've ever seen, like no joke.. his creepy eyes make me nauseated) and had a baby with him. Now she's constantly back and forth from "I love him, we're a happy little family, I'm a stay at home mom!" and "I hate men, both parents need a job, I can raise my child by myself!"

It just kind of eats at me because while we were friends I could see her finally getting away from her dad and the shit he was constantly shoving her way. But as soon as we stopped being friends... it just seemed like she gave up. And I don't blame myself or anything like that (after all, you can't help someone who refuses to believe they need help)... but it was just crazy to watch it all happen and to think about it now with a new outlook and probably a good bit more maturity.

While we were friends she was more open and out there and we could go hang out with the "weird kids" and party in our own way (usually at the arcade like the nerds we were). We would paint together and make friendship books together and just have fun as kids should... but then I moved away and watching her social media was like watching someone take a leap off a cliff. She even tried to steal my fiance and my friends from me amidst all of this insanity... just out of spite and jealousy that I got away and she stayed trapped in her own personal hell...

And one day it was like her dad finally got into her head. She started hanging out with people we used to hate. She started giving out blowjobs like candy on Halloween (to the point that guys were asking her for blowjobs for their 18th birthdays). She was constantly partying and drinking and doing who knows what kind of drugs. She got married to a guy she met while he was on the run from the police and they ended up having a baby and she became a stay at home mom. (Which she tried her hardest to pretend was fine by her in the beginning, but later had a meltdown over it and got a job again).

She gave up everything she said she wanted to do. Every dream she ever had. And became exactly the person her father was always telling her she would end up being.

Watching all of this happen and seeing how she ended up... was is so fucking surreal to me. It's just so... fucked up.

I surely didn't have the BEST childhood and I plan to raise any children I might have in the future very differently than how I was raised. But I did have a mother and an amazing set of grandparents who made sure I could do whatever I dreamt of.

When I decided I wanted to try out for basketball, my mom signed me up and made sure I went to every practice and game when I made the team. (Though I only played for 3 years before getting bored of it.)

When I wanted to play Tball as a toddler, mom signed me up and made sure there was always someone to take me to my games.

When I started dancing and doing cheerleading my grandparents paid for everything I needed and took me to and from every event and cheer camp.

When my Uncle started learning the guitar they bought me a small one to practice on. When he later started learning the keyboard, they bought me one of those too. I wanted to learn everything he did.

My mom let me get a couple of piercings and dye my hair crazy colors and wear whatever I wanted (except for when it was WAY too revealing for my age, then I was only allowed to wear it inside the house.) She allowed me the freedom to pick things out for myself and make myself look however I wanted. My Nana actually put hot pink streaks in my hair when I was 8 and I loved having colored hair after that...

And during the periods that I didn't want to be active... they let me do that too. They bought me notebook after notebook and sketchbook after sketchbook. They let me write and draw and sing and dance to my hearts fucking content. My Nana kept a wall in her house covered in my art. She loved that I was an artist and made sure to always support me.

My papaw even bought me my own pair of roller skates because for literally 5 years straight the only thing I wanted to do on the weekends was go to the movie theater.. and the skating rink! He and my Nana let me roller skate THROUGH THE HOUSE so I could practice without being in front of everyone. And then they'd take me to the skating rink and let me skate for hours. And now that I think about it... it's kind of crazy that they just let me skate in circles for hours by myself and never once tried to force me to make friends or talk to other kids. As long as I was happy and content, they didn't care.

They supported me and loved me no matter what I wanted to do and I honestly feel like that's why I don't just sit back and follow orders. I don't just do whatever someone tells me to do (unlike so many people around me who I've seen try SO hard to fit their parents expectations, only to fail almost every time.)

I did feel that pressure a little bit. Everyone expected me to do good in school and go off to college (because I was always good in school and made good grades, so it became an expectation). And I think that's why it hit me so bad to quit college... because I felt like I was letting everyone down. But then my mom reminded me that she gave up college so she could keep me and that college really isn't for everyone (even people who are good at school).

My Papaw supported my choice (I could tell he was a little unhappy) but he never voiced that he was in any way disappointed in me. He believes that since I earned my scholarship by myself, then I get to decide what to do with it... which includes not using it.

My Nana fully supported my decision. She thought similar to my Papaw, that I had earned that scholarship on my own and so I got to decide what happened with it. She was also one of the only people who really knew how mentally and emotionally fucked up I was while trying to attend college and fully supported me leaving that stress behind if it made me happy to do so.

I've seen kids fall apart because they never had people like this in their lives. They were never allowed to be themselves or just enjoy whatever it was they liked. They were constantly pushed and pushed until they finally went over the edge.

And that's really fucked up.

And I'm really thankful for my mom and grandparents who always allowed me to be myself and make decisions for myself.

I'm really thankful to have been allowed to be me (at least for the most part). 💛

[survivor-ingary]

Episode 2 - "I DON'T WANT THE MYSTERY MOUSE-CA-TOOL BESTIE" - Ellie

At the tribal, Ping was voted out of the Pendragon Tribe nearly unamimously. Tribal immunity for this round is Pictionary.

I bet all these bitches know i voted for Keith and now they are going to come kill me in my sleep if i die i blame dylan

yass round 2 i either think im in the best position on this tribe or theyre all secretly coming for me thats all

Tribal went as well as I expected it to go. No major drama. It seems like Keith is in real trouble if we do go to tribal again though which would put me in a very tricky spot. For now, though, I will be trying my best in the upcoming challenge. The problem is, however, timezones and schedules. Jon is going to be our drawer, but he can only do it tonight or in the early afternoon tomorrow which I will not be there for. Additionally, Keith is asleep so we have no idea what his schedule is going to be so we basically had to schedule the challenge without him. And Nya could only do right before the deadline tomorrow which Jon cannot do. I hate this for us, truly. I just hope that Moth and I can rub our brain cells together for this one so that we can pull out a win. OR somehow the other tribes fail horribly. On the bright side, I am finally starting to catch up on Duolingo exercises. They're a lot easier than I thought, but it is still going to be tedious af to save up enough coins for some of the higher end products at the shop. As a final note, I am going to work with Nya in the long term as we promised each other to. Hopefully that actually works out. Time to actually be loyal and be a hero this time around. Need to try something different.

If we lose this challenge, I will be very upset. We went so hard on this challenge!!! I believe that we can at least get second place, but I don't know how crazy the other tribes are. So, let's see what goes on

Ayyyyy soooooooo looks like the four, Colin, me, Ava, and Brayden are officially in an alliance!? I’m really hyped to be working with everybody and already have sights on who should go if we have to go to tribal 👀 but like I’m gonna feel so bad if we go to tribal and I orchestrate a whole plan to take someone out I gotta do it when I’m not in my feels and the planets aren’t fucking with my emotions too heavy. But go alliance ! This means I’ll be able to stay safe until hopefully a merge and hopefully we can avoid a tribe swap till then which I get those vibe from it !! But I’ll be here to survive two more tribals just in case which is pretty rad. Other then that hopefully me offering to draw doesn’t end us up in the bottom and we can keep killing ! But anyways that is it as off know hopefully I have a lot more coins tomorrow morning and I get hit the hat shop bright and motherfucking early.

Just got asked to be apart of an alliance <33333 the besties in the group trust me which maybe ain't the right move but for now we gotta love the bonding. exciting!!!

YAY FOR ROUND 2! Okay, so I meet once again with the Hat Shop and... third times the charm! Except,,, the charm is getting nothing AGAIN lmao I'm not complaining though, still got that extra vote :P I stayed up at 1 AM for this challenge, and I honestly think our team popped off. Anastasia was guessing a ton, and Riley was amazing at drawing real quick! I have a relatively good feeling about our performance, so I hope I wake up to the news of our tribe being immune :D

so yesterday I set myself on a mission to get an alliance. I wanted Ava + Brayden + Toph + me as a majority alliance. it was our day off from tribal so I thought it was the perfect day to do it!! I talked to Brayden about it first because he's the person I feel the most comfortable with, and then after a lot of coordination and careful communication I was able to pull it together!! I think the most important thing when making alliances is making everyone feel like they're a big part in it. So I was careful to ask each person how they feel about the others, about the game, and made a point to say that I wanted to work with them specifically. Some may call that a little manipulative, but I wanna make sure that I'm an essential part of the alliance!! i need everyone to feel like they need/want me there.

all of this happening so soon into the game is a testament to how aggressive I'm playing this time around. I usually like to lay low and just rely solely on my social game in the start, but I'm trying this out to establish myself early on! I wanted to play the tribe leader and I think I'm doing that in a smart and subtle way!!

so yes now we have a 4 person majority alliance named "duolingo owl hate club" because fuck that guy. I think we're the 4 most active and present people on the tribe so it's only natural for us to work together, but I think it's definitely worth noting that I was the one that was pulling the strings here.

We just did the pictionary challenge, I have a good feeling about it!! Toph was an amazing artist, and if we win, all credit rightfully goes to him!! I think the guessers also did great of course, but like come on, the artist has to be the mvp. I'm really hoping we pull through!! I don't mind going to tribal, but I genuinely don't wanna vote anyone out yet. I'm fine just playing the game in a precautionary way. I know I'm in a great position if we do go to tribal, but it's always preferred that we don't go.

Everyone else on my tribe: doing the challenge and kicking ass

Me: I’m sleep

Riley (Tumblr has once again chosen violence so only the first 10 get banners 🥲)

I think our challenge went pretty well! My team were good guessers. Feeling like I've established some Integrity now. Hope it keeps me safe later!

Toph Soooooo we finished the challenge with 32 points and like wig !! I was a quick as drawer for 32pts expect when my internet lagged, but still ! I think we whooped some ass and if we do go to tribal I know it won’t be me going, thanks to Duolingo owl hate club but I’m also worried same could have and advantage because they seem pretty kean on learning a lot in like 3 hours and then tried to cover that statement to not seem so threatening but like babs s a huge threat too apparently they love Duolingo and know 5 laugnes ? This is from brayden but If so go babs ! That’s absolutely iconic for real Life but fucking scary in this game ! I gotta be buddy buddy with them so hopefully if they do have something it won’t be them going home first and it will be Ava. But I’m thinking we might get second place again unless someone is a fucking wizard at this.

Dennis hmm i think we did well enough in the challenge to not see tribal tomorrow but who knows i guess we shall find out tn

the way ellie was so on top of stuff yesterday only to oversleep the challenge makes me giggle maybe shes freaking out about it which makes me also giggle but i dont think its really a big deal

anastasia asked me to call yesterday and i was like sure lets talk but it is damn near impossible to hold a conversation with her idk i tried BUT she did tell me “yeah i just got off a call with ellie” im like i see. she says shes down to work with ellie but that quickly switched from ellie being ~experienced~ but good to know ellie is also playing hard. anastasia also mentioned that she talks to riley a fair amount who i still have yet to connect to well. but dat makes me think ellie is def talking to riley too miss debate team is definitely a talker. but good on her for the social game i guess

kenneth keeps being like haha we’re the same person and im like yeah👁 i bet we are👁

i just wanna win and not think about tribal just keep it slow and chill for now keep learnin my welsh i guess

Ava Second challenge was Pictionary and I had a ton of fun playing. The tea is: toph did a great job. He was pretty vocal about not being a great artist but really I think he did great. However, Babs was super inactive yesterday and ~too late~ said they were a great artist and should've been picked to draw. It was kind of like.... k babs thanks for the belated "help". They did do great guessing which scored a point in my book. Brayden was supposed to play but last minute logged off without saying anything so we did the challenge without him :/ sorta a bummer. Anyway the lack of participation from Sam is kind of popping off so we'll see where that leads them... Overall a fun game and fingers crossed we did well!

Moth I think we did okay at the challenge. Today I am dying from the heatwave so I’m not thinking too straight! Stay cool everyone

Ellie So yesterday Anastasia and I called for about an hour!!! I’d say we’re definitely way closer, she’s someone I really wanna work with although the idea of her and Brayden eventually being on the same tribe is kinda scary cause I know how close they are. Still she’s so fun to talk to and I just love her energy so much!

Pictionary challenge results: Jenkins Tribe wins with Penadragon second, Hatter Tribe has to go to tribal council on the following day.

Ava Well well well seems our bob ross, toph, didn't pull through (y'all think babs would've pulled it out for us or slept through our challenge like they said they almost did?) I can't wait for tribal. I'm in it for the drama. I'm hashtag voting Sam off - didn't even bother to be apart of our challenge and not too sure they've even been online for a full 24 hours. Weed out the weak.....

Anastasia

Brayden https://imgur.com/n60Lz0c

guys i dont know what to do someone help me out

Dennis i hope damn brayden gets the boot

Raffy Woo! We don't have to go to tribal again! We stan!

Ellie So I figured I’d go idol hunting today cause the shop was about to close and I just wanted to see what had been bought and what possible hats there were, I see that there’s a hat I have enough for that hasn’t been bought and I decide fuck it let’s get it

APPARENTLY ITS SOMETHING THAT IM NOT ALLOWED TO KNOW WHAT IT IS OR HOW TO USE IT YET???? THEY SAID ILL FIND OUT ABOUT IT LATER

I DONT WANT THE MYSTERY MOUSE-CA-TOOL BESTIE

Sam Well you see. I like all my tribe people. And I think we did real good on that music video! So, I think rather than voting anyone else off, I think I should just vote myself off if that is possible! Ahhh

Babs So sad to see Sam not only go but go through what they're going through :( same w Toph :( they all seem so lovely

Keith Not sure if i submitted a confession after the last tribal. But if I didnt here it is.

Happy I made it out of that tribal. I had raffy backing me with whom I played. Last time we played. We were at odds. We didnt work together but whats worse that we were against each other. It was either him or me goin out. Hopefully thats the past n we can work together. I jus need to keep things calm n show that Im not here itching to make big moves. So they dont feel threatened by me. N its easy cause right now. I havnt made that kind og bond with anyone on my tribe. To even think of such moves. Lets see what round two holds for me.

Colin so uh

we lost! :(

I was really bummed tbh. Like I thought we did well but circumstances with the challenge were just really unfortunate, from conflict about who wanted to be the artist to people disappearing the moment the challenge started, I think we did well despite all of that. Except we did kinda get stomped anyway. Oh well!! The game moves on. Tribal has to happen.

Initially I was gonna push for Babs, just because I feel like I don't wanna attach myself to them too early on. I've seen how much of a bitter player they can be, and lets just say I'm not the most loyal ally to have. however! 9 minutes after we lost, Ava announces to our alliance that she's voting Sam. I wasn't surprised, Sam has been the one not really pulling their weight. But I had some good connections with her!! we both did colorguard and shes so sweet and easy to talk to. I was really conflicted for a little bit, debating on whether or not to actually push for Babs. I think brayden sensed my hesitance but we both knew there was nothing really I could do to stop Sam from being the vote. At first tribal, the initial name always spreads like wildfire.

However, my mess was stopped abruptly by Sam asking to be voted out. welp!! okay then!! babs stays i guess!! i'm not too bothered. I'll never turn down an easy vote hehe.

Pretty sure there's a swap tonight. I'm kinda scared of that

uwu

Brayden

i almost forgot to upload this but dont worry i just remembered

Colin screams

Toph So we’re going to tribal in 20 and all I have to say right now is if there is a tribe swap after I’m gonna so scared but I ducking called I had a vibe and it was right that’s what is gonna win me this game trusting my intuition. I’m holding on now and gonna be the biggest comp beast next challenge in case I get fucked on this swap !!!! Or at least if it is a swap 🤔

Riley I don't know what this announcement's gonna be I'm worriedddd... Ginny said it probably means we're swapping teams but I don't wannaaaa I like our team.

Toph Sam self sacrificing made this the easiest vote ever and me being safe is a plus I guess 😎

[thoughtdumpshitposts]

Emotional Breakdowns Lead To Passably Poetic Ramblings

26.06.21

word count: 2.15K

I never write because I need everything I write to be evocative. I need it to be painful. What's the point of writing something if the reader doesn't hurt? It hurt me to write this, and I hope it hurts you to read.

I've always imagined putting my thoughts into words, but I don't know if I want them to be on paper or my phone. Digital is easy, it's good, it's clean. It's easy to edit, to navigate, to save; it'll probably live on forever. It won't erode and disappear like the writing journal I had for six years, eaten away by the same termites who ate my entire closet from the inside. His name was Reggie, and he deserved better. I'd kept him safe in the closet, but I learnt too late that nothing was safe in the closet. Nothing physical, existing is ever safe from the World and it's beasts – Man or insect.

But paper is personal, it's real. It's beautiful. Sure, sometimes my brain and heart think of words faster than my hands can keep up, and the words are barely legible and my hand-writing's not pretty anyway, but that's the beauty of it. That's what makes it mine. But someone I know can stumble upon these words and read the truth of my existence. But maybe I want them to stumble upon it, one day. Maybe I want them to find my words and understand, really understand, who I was and what I am and what I kept locked up inside of me. That I wasn't some selfish, ill-mannered brat. That I really loved them, but sometimes it was hard. My mother always tells me no one can ever trust anyone but family, that even if she screams and shouts and scolds at first, at the end of the day she'll always have my back, and I know that's the truth.

But my cousin molested my other cousins and I, and she cried when she found out after years because she had to hear it from the other side of the family, and she cried because she'd told me so many times that she'll always have my back if something like that happened to me and she keeps saying family and family and family, and trust and trust and trust and how family is my parents and brothers and that's all we can ever trust but how do I tell her that the reason I said nothing when my cousin did it was because I was used to staying silent when my brother did? It's all so funny because I was blessed enough to have been born to parents who would never blame me for being abused in a society in which the blame- and shame-game is prevalent, but what do you do when the victim is your daughter and the abuser is your son – your firstborn, the first "nawasa" in the family, your pride and joy, the prince charming. You've loved him for seven more years than you've loved me. I understand. You don't deserve to suffer the truth. I saw how you were when you found out the truth about the cousin, I remember the things you said about family and trust. I know you have your own issues. You don't deserve to suffer. You don't. I love you all. So much. So so much. I won't let you suffer. I won't let you be the collateral to his sins. I'll protect you, and you'll never know.

And I'm okay, so why would I say anything? When we're happy and whole and great? Why would I say anything when I'm actually, genuinely fine and unaffected? Why would I ruin us? How could I say anything? And I'm fine, I really am. I'm okay. And I know my friends think I'm gaslighting myself when I say that I'm fine and it hasn't effected me much and it wasn't that bad because I was never actually physically hurt, but it's true. I'm used to laughing and loving the people I hate. I'm used to hating the people I love without an ounce of real hatred. I know what it sounds like, but it really isn't that way. It's okay. I'm okay, and no one should worry, even if sometimes I want everyone to worry. Even if sometimes I want everyone's pity and attention and love and sympathy, and I want them to hurt for me, like I hurt for the people I love. Sometimes I just want validation, I want people to know everything so they understand me. But everyone wants to be understood, so that's nothing special. I'm okay, and that is the only thing what matters.

I wasn't raped; I was molested. There's a difference.

I wasn't raped, and honestly I only remember a few instances with clarity. Everything else is a blur – it's all just snippets and flashes of memory spun together to make a vague, dramatic montage. But I wasn't ever physically hurt, and of course I know that it was still terrible and horrible and I didn't deserve it, but understand that it wasn't as bad as it sounds. I'm fine and genuinely, actually okay and I'm only affected when I have a mental breakdown, but that's almost always because I'm pms-ing. And it hasn't happened in a while now. It stopped. I think it's been four years? And it happened for five? six? I was 9 or 10 when it started? And he was 16 or 17? Okay, that – Oh, God oh fuck that sounds bad doesn't it? I'm 18. My younger brother is 10. I couldn't imagine– I can't. God.

But it actually wasn't as bad as it sounds. I was asleep – of course I wasn't asleep (but I think sometimes I must've been? I don't know) – but I was "asleep" when he did what he did. And he did do a lot, to be honest. His hands, everywhere on me. His mouth – everywhere. His–

Why is it so hard to write? I think it's harder to write than it is to think and speak of it.

But I don't know what happened to me. I don't know. I don't remember what happened. I wish I'd kept a better record, but I didn't. Oh, I remember a lot of things that happened, but I don't remember it all. I wish I did but I really don't. I wish I could read and revisit and do a shitty psychoanalysis of him. But I can't, and now he's the only one who knows what really happened, and I'll have to live with it.

There were no words. Never any words, never any pain. So again, I'm fine, and I'm okay. And he's great and fun and funny and I love him and I care about him and I'm always joking with him and he's a terrible person and I hate him and I wish I knew how his brain works and what he was thinking and still thinks and I'll never forgive him, but it's okay. It's really okay. As long as I was the only one who suffered. As long as I'm the only one who continues to suffer for my silence.

I think the only reason I still think about it so much is because I never got closure. I never got an explanation. I never understood why. I don't know if he's an irredeemable monster or if he at least feels guilty. I don't know what he was thinking, because there were never any words. And I'm glad there weren't any words and I was "asleep" because it makes it easier to interact with him and pretend it never happened, that it was someone else and everything's still okay.

But there were never any words, so I don't have anything to work with. Nothing to draw conclusions from, nothing to psychoanalyze him with. I don't know what he was thinking, I don't know what happened. I want closure, I want to understand. But I'm scared of whatever will lead up to the conversation, and the conversation itself. I'm scared of the acknowledgment and how it'll change everything irrevocably. I'm scared of getting closure, but I need it too. I need to understand.

Did you feel bad? Did you think of how it'll hurt me? Did it hurt you? Or were you indifferent to it all? Did you just not care or –fuck–was it some big joke? Was it funny? Was it amusing? Do you feel entitled to me? How fucking dare you? How could you? How fucking could you? You loved me. You were great to me, you still are sometimes. You're my big brother, man. I loved you. I love you. You were supposed to be my hero and I fucking swear to God you were. What the fuck happened to you? What made you this way? How could you do that to me? How could you do that and still look at me in the fucking eye? How? Why? I deserve to know.

But please don't tell me. I don't know what I'll do if I find out the extent of your monstrosity. I don't want you to fall even lower. I like to think you can't, but I know that's not true. Especially after what I learnt about Z- There's always room to fall.

But anyway – Reggie. I'd been brave enough to write a chapter of my life for the first time in that journal. It was the last story Reggie got to know. I'd never been brave enough to actually write about how I'd been hurt. I could never even write his name when I tried to make a record of what I went through – I was always smart (or sentimental?) enough to try and and keep a record, some proof, dated and organized. I was smart enough – but not brave. Maybe because my coping mechanism was pretending he was two different people, or maybe because writing it would make it real; I'd lived long enough without acknowledging it (even more so without understanding it), maybe if I ignored it long enough it would just go away. But the story I wrote in it wasn't even about that exactly. It was an older story; It was about how all of it might've been my fault. About how maybe I was always a fucked up child. But the story also brings me comfort – it reminds me that I've always been me, that the person I am today is because of the person I always was. That there was no influence that made me this way. I am what I was.

The termites consuming Reggie also reminded me of the old Islamic story about how the Boycott of Banu Hashim ended – the parchment holding the banishment declaration by the Meccans had been eaten by termites, except for the word Allah – the name of God. I thought it'd be interesting if this was God's way of sending me some message I have yet to decipher.

But I don't believe in God. Maybe life would've been easier if I did; if I could have found peace in He who I could not see, could not touch. If I could've found the same relief that my friends and family find in His words, His presence.

But I never felt His presence. I tried, I really did (maybe I didn't, maybe I should've tried harder?). During my last try, I made the resolution to offer all my prayers one Ramadan. I thought if I manage to nail down all the worship obligations, actual faith might follow somehow.

I lasted two days. I cried on the prayer mat during Fajr both times, like my mother does all the time, but I doubt it was for the same reasons as her, or lead to the same result. I did not feel at peace, and I did not feel seen and heard by the Creator; I had never felt more alone, more abandoned. My heart did not feel a little less heavy; it had never felt heavier.

I cried because I was desperate the cycle wouldn't repeat. I wanted to believe there was someone who could make it stop, someone who could make sure that others didn't follow in his footsteps. It did stop, eventually. But I think that's just how it was supposed to be – not because some deity cared enough to make it stop. He doesn't care about us, but if you don't agree with that, I envy you. I wish I believed what you believe.

But I'm also glad I don't. So I will just exist, till one day I don't. And you won't remember me, and He won't care, and no one will greet me at the Gates of Heaven or throw me in the depths of Hell, because neither exist.

I hope.