#i'm frustrated with myself because this is the SECOND time I've done this but goddamn lady did you have to be such a bitch about it?

[one-winged-dreams]

Well hi lady at the print counter at Walmart being a huge cunt right out of the gate for no reason

[chipped-chimera]

WIP WEDNESDAY - 12/07/23

AND IT'S ACTUALLY ON A WEDNESDAY! Thanks @theviridianbunny for the tag <3 I regret to inform you ... it's more hair again @.@ (this one is actually different, I swear)

More under the cut, as usual~

Soooo if you've been following me you probably know I've done a few things since my last WIP Wednesday, namely more tattoo stuff, and more recently ... more hair stuff.

After a LOT of agonising over it I finally consider the neck 'done' ... or done enough (vaguely ... thinking about doing something more in the transition between the tattoo and the jaw but I probably should stop honestly or I'll never stop). This means I probably have enough done to get away with taking screenshots while I work on the rest of it. Been pondering drawing up an actual plan for the rest beyond what I've been doing so far - mostly winging it and smashing things together. Might get stuff done faster, who knows.

Anyway I am back on my hair shit, yet again that's going just about ... as well as you'd expect ...

Okay okay, I'll be honest, this has been fixed but I gotta say after spending a whole 12 hrs staring at lines of code, changing entries and having to redo them several times because I'd fucked up some file name or changed my mind or found out 'no that is not where you should be putting that folder you absolute dingus' and this was the best I could do was kind of hilarious. 😂

The important part was I'd gotten it IN, which was a process and a half, considering THIS time I'm using a custom made 2048px hair texture (alpha is 4k) and a higher poly mesh - which means yeah, this is the same hair rebuilt from scratch.

After some additional fiddling ...

... and a very unamused Ven (I'm sorry hun) ...

I got it in. All of it. No missing textures, no hair cards in the hair cap slot. The physics look janky but it's somewhat intentional - this is a minimal effort rigging job based on the alt rig, the priority was to get this hair texture IN so I could see how it looked in game and how everything sat before I dug myself further into a sunk cost fallacy over this second version of the hair.

And I'm actually pretty happy with it? There is some curl distortion yeah but it's not as bad as it was last time - and considering I'd rigged that one PROPERLY is saying something. Higher poly + textures are making a big difference here. It's pretty obvious in the comparison -

Also yes I am aware this one is WAY too shiny, but that one is a considerably easy fix now I know how Vertex Paint actually affects this value. I was a bit too generous on the highlight gradient so I've already repainted what I have so far, using side-by-side references with existing game meshes to try and get it 'equal' but it's likely gonna be a lot of back and forth calibrating with that one.

Excessive shiny-ness aside I'm actually REALLY happy with how the side curl is sitting nice and neat in her jacket collar this time! Also man ... doesn't that look silky ... (ok maybe some shine is good lmao)

I guess that's kind of it on the mod front. I've got other projects in a very initial stage (it's fanfic. Ofc it's fanfic) but work on both the tattoo bodysuit + hair is eating up a lot of my daily spoon allowance so that one will happen when it happens I guess (and probably when at minimum, this goddamn hair is done).

Oh and this hair is using UUH4V. I GOT IT TO WORK. Which means I'll be able to use multiple rigs which will hopefully prevent these carefully crafted curls from getting minced beyond recognition, fingers crossed.

Anyways until next time!

(Uh, I tag anyone who read all of this. Yes you. sorry I don't know many people yet and I'm shyyy)

p.s. yes hair tutorial. soon. In the case you are similarly frustrated and desperate as I was and working on hair please note I AM VERY OPEN TO TELLING YOU ALL THE INFO just ask me. Cause tutorial might take time unfortunately. But it's in the works.

[mysteriousscribbles]

I have to rant because I have nobody to talk to and screaming into the void and getting it out is better than nothing at this point.

We had a higher up visit the workplace today, and I had four days to prepare. I cleaned all of the offices and both break rooms with one person.

Our recruiter was off this week so I was also in charge of recruiting where I found out we need way more people than I thought.

This is on top of my regular duties, plus a bunch of other little things my manager asked me to do. I've been stretched so thin I need to go into work on my day off tomorrow to finish what I can.

I broke down twice from the stress today. It sucked. It was hard. My manager insisted that I shouldn't bend myself out of shape for one person and said everything I was doing was great, that the offices and break rooms looked great, and to not worry. He knows I worry a lot.

But this evening I received an email stating that the offices and the break rooms were too cluttered and that I now need to schedule a deep clean of everything every second day for the next two weeks (we're expecting another visit then). Even the one break room which is literally tables, chairs, a coffee maker, and a computer.

I feel like I worked my ass off and got so stressed and did so much, and it wasn't enough. My best wasn't enough. I tried so goddamn hard with the time and resources I had to make sure that everything was clean and people were hired and my regular duties were done, and it still wasn't enough. I feel like a failure.

I just stopped crying after about 40 minutes.

Maybe I'm blowing this whole thing out of proportion. Maybe it's just the stress or anxiety talking. But I feel terrible, I feel like I don't deserve my job, I feel like every time my manager has said I've done a great job was a lie. I feel so hurt by this and I don't know what to do.

I'm going to talk to them tomorrow to find out where the miscommunication was, but right now I'm so overwhelmed and frustrated and upset and scared and disappointed with myself that I just want to curl into a ball and hide forever. But maybe I wouldn't even be good at that.

[dzpenumbra]

1/13/23

Today, I had momentum. In a manner of speaking. I really should've used the momentum to go out to an actual store myself, but... I've just been freaked out lately. I don't know. An aversion to the public again. It's like... reflexive.

Instead of fighting it, I did Instacart again. I got these Command strips that are like... adhesives strips for hanging shit in your house. I really need to get my whiteboard back in commission. My therapist and I talked about that yesterday. The most structured and consistent I've been is when I had a reliable whiteboard system, a check-in system when the whiteboard is located in a very visible, highly trafficked area in my house. And I have the perfect spot. So I got these strips, some stuff for the bathroom, a birdfeeder and a succulent plant. Yep, I got my first plant for the apartment. And it only took me a month and a half. But hey, it's done!

So, I get the stuff delivered and I pick it all up. I feel like doing this Instacart stuff is like... practicing for not having a car. Because... I have a feeling that's the way this car repair situation is going. So... I'm kinda just preemptively adapting, I guess. I'm sure there are other reasons but... I'm not getting into that right now. I wanna recap this clusterfuck.

So I get the strips out, I got a TON of them just... in case. I figured I'll use them for hanging all kinds of shit. The first thing I see on the package is "do not apply to paper or fabric", and... like... ALL of my art is paper or fabric. I really should've seen that coming, and beat myself up plenty for it, but like... ugh. Really felt like I pissed a bunch of cash away on that. AND that ruled out my small whiteboard, which has a cardboard back on it. -_- So I went "okay, at least I can still do the big whiteboard", but it has a metal frame around the whole thing... and that frame is big enough that the strips won't work. At this point I'm getting frustrated, that was the point of the entire order... So I look over and see my wood coat hook thing, it's like a big piece of finished wood with a bunch of coat hooks on it. I go "at least I can do that, that's something. I slap the strips on it and go to line it up on the wall... and the thing is warped to hell. Like twisted warped. So the strips won't lie flat on the wall. That one upset me a bit. So... I unscrewed the hooks, got some wet hand towels, an extra piece of wood and some clamps and that fucker is gonna be sitting in the windowsill for the next few days. Hopefully that straightens it out, if not, I'll just make a nice carving out of it. Someday...

So that really got under my skin. Like... the bulk of the shit I was going to do today was just... problem after problem. My mom called. We were on the same page for a bit. Then I just went "I swear, if I just had thumbtacks this wouldn't be a damn problem, I've been using exclusively them to hang stuff since college." And... she corrected me that I meant "push pins". And I felt real goddamn dumb... because this whole time I thought they were called thumbtacks, and I've been searching for thumbtacks and not finding them anywhere. Welp, turns out people do have pushpins... But... I was trying to just roll with it and went with these strips, I was like... if no one has these pins, and that means I won't be putting holes in the wall... then fuck it, right? And I just felt really dumb. And then I started kicking myself that I didn't add them to the order this morning. And she suggested I order some. And I started getting really upset that I would have to place a delivery order for a $2.50 pack of pushpins. Like, the delivery cost would be higher than the cost of the item. And then I went to "wow, I can't just like drive 5 blocks up the street for this?" And my brain went "wow, you're really gonna risk getting sick for a pack of pushpins". And this happened like... lightning speed. Like within probably... 2 seconds tops? I went from being frustrated that I didn't add these to my order earlier in the day to being afraid I was going to asphyxiate alone in my apartment.

I was mid-conversation when this happened. It must've been disorienting to my mom, I just got really distant and frustrated and shit. I just started shutting down. And she went the wrong route, she started trying to reassure me that the problems that I was seeing weren't as big as I thought. She went the "Covid isn't really a thing anymore" route. And I, with surprising grace considering the circumstances, let her know very clearly - 1) I'm experiencing very strong emotions right now, don't listen to the tone of my voice, please listen to the words that I'm saying, 2) Please don't make this political. 3) The problem I'm working through is emotional, not practical. Don't try to make this go away, or make my feelings go away, help me find a way around or through it. If there isn't a way around it, we can come back to that.

It was surprisingly successful. We didn't fight. That happens every damn time. Every time I get stressed, I wear it on my sleeve. And the person on the other side starts floundering, or takes personal offense to it, sees me as aggressive or combative or something. It happened with my last ex constantly. It happened in the retreat I went to too, some other resident thought I was pissed off at them personally because I was detoxing off of meds and dealing with my family shit. I just... didn't hide my stress, I wore it on my sleeve. Because my feelings are big and if I stuff them inside, I end up with chronic health problems. I mean that literally. I did irreparable damage to my body because of repressing stress, I was constantly sick to the point of being nearly couch-bound for stretches of time because of it. It took me a lot of experience and therapy to accept that I just... have way more emotions than a lot of people that I know, that I'm sensitive. And that that is okay, it's good. It's just part of who I am. It makes me equally as weak as it makes me strong. It just really fucking sucks that I have to like... explain myself all the time.

In hindsight, my dog was the perfect companion for me in that... she was basically a mirror of me. In a lot of ways. Highly emotional, and feared. And I defended the fuck out of her for it, never as much as I wanted to or felt I should, but much more than I defend myself for the same exact shit. See, she was incredibly social, super friendly all the fucking time, but she... was a sable German Shepherd. And... people... make assumptions. They jump to conclusions. I say this because I can't count the number of times I had to say "don't worry, she's friendly" or "is it okay if she says hi?" or "don't worry, she doesn't bite". Shit like that. Like I'm walking around with a goddamn crocodile on a leash, come on people. Like, instead of people expressing their own fears and prejudices and communicating them clearly and honestly, it gets to the point where the accommodating people who are constantly being persecuted... just walk around introducing themselves already explaining shit preemptively. "Hi, my name is ____, I'm a sensitive person. You might see my mood change rapidly, this might be reflected in my posture, tone of voice, facial expression, etc. You know, like a fuckin dog or a cat. But guess what? Unlike a dog or a cat, you can just be a civil fucking person and go 'hey, you look upset, you wanna talk about it?' or, you know, excuse yourself out and fuck off or whatever." I don't know man, people are fucking weird, and it's just so fucking tiring and demoralizing to have to go around constantly apologizing for other peoples' fears. It really does a number on your self-esteem.

Anywho, that drama was averted. We had a great conversation and covered a lot of stuff. I made dinner - potato skins, chicken and rice. I got the xbox hooked up, which is nice. I started recording a new Rimworld playthrough, no clue if it's gonna fit the bill. I feel like I've been getting really picky lately. We'll see what happens. I was planning on doing my master list of things I need done, and my whiteboard, but I got so sidetracked by the strips and tacks that I just... didn't get those done. But I got a lot of planning done, I got my first plant and I got a birdfeeder. So I'd call that a good day. Oh, and I saw a Pileated Woodpecker out the window. I used to see them in the woods all the time, and I heard it calling outside and immediately recognized the sound. So I got a birdfeeder, cuz fuck it. And I'll try to get it set up tomorrow.

The only other shit I have to talk about was like... Twitch drama... which is like... duh? I guess? Like... one streamer saying "my kid is getting screened for autism next week" and "wouldn't that be my punishment for calling my audience the 'r-word'". And I get it, it's blunt around the edges and poking fun at something that's clearly making him uncomfortable and scaring him. I guess it's just how we process fear sometimes? I think that's a huge component to humor, especially dark humor, they're just ways of having conversations about difficult topics that otherwise we wouldn't be able to really comfortably address. Humor lets us speak more openly about it. But it really does matter what your intentions are. And I'm not sure if his intention is to... learn how to be okay, to accept potentially being the parent of a neurodivergent child. He doesn't seem to really see any good in it, he seems only fixated on how difficult it would be, how parenting a neurodivergent child is harder. And that rubbed me the wrong way, to the point where I just left. I was kinda just... discouraged. Like... that's your kid, dude. Getting a diagnosis doesn't make your kid a different kid, it just gives you a language to understand your kid better. Which should really be every parent's goal, I would think. Right? Just sayin. A positive diagnosis just opens the door to a bunch of researched techniques to make your life easier, nothing else changes (other than the stigma of others). A negative diagnosis means nothing changes. So yeah. I dunno, really bummed me out and left a bad taste in my mouth.

The other one was going over to another streamer and seeing him, once again, just blatantly being a schoolyard bully. But in roleplay, in character, so it's not him bullying, it's his character bullying another character. And it was just like... man. It was hard to watch. Like I've watched a lot of this streamer in the past, and it never really felt this blatant and unfiltered. Like, I know he likes to antagonize and poke and get reactions and shit... but like... this was just like cartoonish. It's a damn shame, he is a pretty funny guy. But I've been noticing nearly all of his humor is at the expense of others, in very personal ways. Like a comedian that only does crowdwork. And the crowdwork is like "hey look at this fat fucking guy in the front row, hey fatty, how many pizzas have you eaten today? Am I right?! Haha what a fat fuck." Like... okay. I mean if your target audience is 14 year old football players, I guess that's funny? So yeah, it was a lot more creative before... I thought. He did this big arc where he had a cop that was very feared and very aggressive (obviously, barely even have to act for that one) but was a closeted gay man and crossdressed and all that. And I liked the way that angle was played in the past, it made some really funny moments and even emotional moments too. But that era passed at least a year ago, longer now. And now... it's just... really bad freestyle rap. And having an out-of-character temper tantrum for actually doing jailtime for multiple crimes he admitted to on the ride to the station, because "admitting to crimes is his character's thing." Like... okay. It feels like a lot of it is just letting the most valuable part of all of it - the creativity - take a backseat while viewership, sponsorships and "winning the interaction" take the front seat. Like the most creative thing I saw him do in one hour of watching this stream was punch a cop through the prison bars 7 times, and say "I'm not so much of a Hootie fan, I'm more of a Darius Rucker fan". Which is either a joke that went way over my head, or a complete swing and a miss at trying to get 90's pop music hipster cred or something. I feel like I'm losing braincells just talking about this. I've been raising my standards for entertainment lately, and I think I should continue that trend. I don't really need to waste my time or energy getting stressed out about people I would never give the time to in person. And I sure as fuck am not watching their ads.

Okay... gotta reset the vibes before bed. Oh shit, it got late again, 3:45. Crap. Um... I don't know, I got really excited about plants today, and I had this idea. Apparently it's pretty easy to propagate succulent plants, you can just grow new ones from their leaves apparently? Like clone them. And I had this crazy vision of like... experimenting with that and getting good at it and then just like... leaving some outside my door in case people wanted them? Maybe encourage people to slide donations under the door if they want? Or just straight up sell them. Because apparently they're easy as fuck to take care of, and hell, maybe other people would want one? And I'd love the project, I think it would be really fun. And I could design my own containers and stuff! That would be cool. Idk, it was a thought. There was a place that would mail you like 50 cuttings for like $8. If I got half of those to grow and sold them for like... $3 each? That's not bad. Just sayin.

I'll keep it in mind. But for now, I'm heading to sleep. Bye.

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Superman's Dishcloth

A small cute headcannon thats been sitting on my tablet?

Summary: some people use pick up lines to get a womans number, henry uses a crochet lesson.

Warnings: Fluff?

Your fingers twisted the yarn around the hook automatically looping and pulling untill you made another double crochet stitch that the pattern required.

To be honest you wasnt paying that much attention as you worked your project, which was stupid really because you were making a new pattern, a bobble popcorn style head band.

You couldnt concentrate for two reasons

One. You were on a goddamned plane soaring across the Atlantic ocean. And if things went tits up you cant swim.

And two? You were seated next to none oher then mr henry cavill himself.

Not that you made a thing about it or even dared to look at him.

He he was watching you, eyes frowning as your fingers twisted the yarn into an intricate looking yet fairly simple pattern.

Youhad to stifle a laugh as his fingers twitched tryig to follow the moves and figure out what you were doing.

You growled missing count again. One, two, three three, skip three. A crochet, half double crochet, two double crochet in one stitch then skip three stitches and repeat untill the end.

Normally youd have no problems but your audience was putting you off.

You dropped the project in your lap as you miscounted again and realised you had to undo the last twelve stitches otherwise you'd be a set out on the end.

You closed your eyes grunting before slipping the hook out and began to tug the working yarn slowly before pinching it and slipping the hook into the loop catching it before it all unraveled.

"Why'd you undo it?" You jumped a little as the huge man beside you spoke up after watching you quietly since take off.

"Huh?... oh i misscounted i skipped four instead of three so it'd be out of line on the end and curl round..."

"How'd you know?" He frowned now leaning over even more curious then before.

You chewed your lip trying not to freak out as he peered over your little project.

"Err well i just counted the stiches i had left on the row, see i was up to here and there was five left not six, so i pulled it taught to spot the odd one out" you explained pulling more yarn through so you could point out the stitches to him with the hook.

"It looks complicated, you twist it so many times?" He said as your fingers began moving once more creating the repetitive pattern.

"Yeah... its not too difficult, Im doing a few different stitches is all, once you know a single crochet stitch and a chain stitch your good to go" You muttered with a smile.

"I doubt its that simple" he replied trying to keep up with watching your fingers guiding the hook jthought the piece making the fabric grow.

"It really is, here you see the little v on top?" You said slowing deciding to show him just how simple it was.

"Yeah?" He hummed quietly watching keenly.

"Thats the row before, so you slip your hook under both strands like this and loop your yarn over then pull through under that v so you have one loop on your hook" you said moving slowly and loosened the stitch with a light wiggle so he could see properly.

"Then loop the yarn over again so you have two loops, and pull the second one through the first... and thats a single crochet stitch" You explained showing him slowly.

"So you make lots of tiny loops and pull them through one another and it some how becomes fabric?" He asked fascinated by it, watching as you began to work on the next stitch.

"Yeah pretty much"

"But that one you pulled the wool over before you did anything at all?" You paused impressed he had noticed the slight difference... he had been watchkn that closely?

"So that was a half double, when you do a half double or double you yarn over first, then you just keep yarning over and pulling through until your left with one loop on the hook" you tried explaining as simply as you could.

"... it still sounds hard" he uttered still focusing on your hands that had been creating stitches.

"Honestly its not, i taught myself in about an hour and a half? Here try it? I've got extra yarn in my carry on if you want to give it a go?" You offered and instantly flushed you did not just offer to teach superman how to crochet like a fucking granny!

Before you could take it back and apologise he beamed.

"Really? That would be fun, i've never tried anything like this before" he said eagerly.

"Err yeah sure lemme just get you started, i'll give you a 5 hook... here" you said surprized digging about pulling the small ergonomic crochet hook out and some mustard yellow yarn.

"So you start with a slipknot... and then a few chain stitches" you began guiding him through it slowly teaching him the steps.

"So do you always crochet on long flights?" He asked pokeing his tongue out as he tried concentrating on the stitches he was doing.

"Yeah, im not good with confined spaces... especially confide spaces that are a good few miles in the air over the open ocean" you chuckled nervously chaining a stitch then turning begining your next row.

"Honestly im not either, usually i have kal- my dog but... not this time... this is good though, its helping take my mind off it thank you" he said sincerly.

"Dont mention it"

"Oh... i think ive done it wrong?" He said andnheld it out to you, you prodded it and to be honest you were impressed, it was neat, not a dropped stitch in sight... just a few loose stitches here and there, but he was finding a good tension.

"No, thats not wrong... just your tension thats all it comes with practice" you said handing it back to him.

"Tension?" He said making you pause. Oh yeah, he wouldnt knpw what that is yet.

"Yeah, how tight you hold the yarn and hook determies how tight your stitches are... mines pretty bad, i have to always use a size bigger hook" you expalined simply

"Really?"

"Yep, i do it too tight- even snapped a metal hook in my hand before" you chuckled remebering the way the hook had just... snapped mid project.

"Wow that sounds painfull?" He huffed eeingnyour hand curiously as if expecting you to snap a hook then and there.

"Yeah, i will admit i was frustrated with the project so it probably didnt help" you chuckled sheepishly.

"Frustrated? Was it complicated like that one?" He asked nodding to your growing head band.

"No, i kept loosing count on a pattern of 78 stitches" you said trying to wave it off but in actual fact that project had been murder.

"So what are you making?" He finally asked eyeingnyour work that had grown wider.

"A little headband, and hopefully i will widen it at the ears to keep em warm" you giggled wrapping it around pinchingnthe ends together proudly presenting it to him.

He grinned and looked down at his little square fiddling with it.

"And im making a... mess?" He laughed holding up the uneven square cheeks tinted pink when you giggled again.

"... Dishcloth?" You offered prodding it gently.

"Perfect, im making a dishcloth!" He bellowed nodding proud of his new diy dish cloth.

"I'm henry by the way. But from the way you were shaking in your seat im guessing you knew?" He finally introduced himself holding out a hand.

You smiled shyly and took it shakingnhands trying not to fawn over how huge hot and soft the palm was.

"Yeah... sorry i was nervous and you probably dont want to be bugged. Im y/n" you tried explaining nervously but he chuckled.

"I wouldnt mind being bugged by such a cutie~" he uttered quietly smirking at you tipping his head down a little too make sure you heard him despite his voice being quiet.

"Oh stop it" you flushed quickly looking down at your headband noticing your stitches werent as even as they could have been, but it couldnt be helped you had handsome distraction.

A very distracting handsome distraction.

"Its true. Besides i think it was me bugging you... and i have managed to plunder through your wool" he grinned sheepishly holding up his little dishcloth.

"Its fine, it not expensive, this is left over yarn from other projects" you waved him off. It was true ou had lots of odd ends and half skeins of woll from other projects.

"Well still i appreciate it, i hate flying" he said sincerly.

"Well now you have something to practice. Youll leave the plane with a new skill to stick on your cv" you added with a grin nudging him playfully.

"Indeed... And perhaps i can leave the p,ane with err...maybe your number to? You know to replace the wool and erm swap err instructions?" He said nervously jumbling his words.

You paused and looked at him shocked blinking. Did he just?

You blinked again watching as his face grew red and he chuckled nerously plucking at the woll on his dishcloth.

"Well i suppose every student needs to be able to contact theor teacher~ and these instructions are called patterns" you smiled to him nodding slowly.

"Right right i knew that of course they're patterns" he chuckled grinning ear to ear relived you hadnt turned him down.

"Well we have a good few hours, perhaps a few more lessons for my little student?" You teased picking up the pattern to show him some of the abbreviations. Mostly to try and concentrate on somthing other then the fact superman had just asked for your number... and was taking crochet lessons.

"Of course" he said excited eyes glittering with glee whilst looking at the small page.

[blackhakumen]

Mini Fanfic #980: Niijima Sisters' Bonding Time (Persona 5)

1:46 p.m. In the Streets of Shiyuba.........

Sae: (Sighs Heavily as She Walk Next to Her Little Sister) I never thought I would ever be happier to not go back to that office for a few days....

Makoto: Work starting to overwhelm you again, sis?

Sae: Unfortunately. Annoying clients, mountain stacks of paperwork....And don't even get me started on all the convoluted cases I've worked on so far this month! (Places her Hand on her Forehead) It's a miracle I never ripped out my own hair yet....

Makoto: You know, I've always wondered what you would look like with short hair.

Sae: (Shrugs) Eh. I'll probably look average. But enough about my tedious work life, let's focus on something more important and special for today.

Makoto: The celebration of my birth and my first step into womanhood?~ (Smiles Brightly)

Sae: I was...gonna say the day we finally spend quality time together, but yeah. That too. Still....(Gives Makoto an Unsure Look on her Face) are you sure you wanna start off with a sparring match with me?

Makoto: (Happily Nodded) Yeah. It's been a while since we've done it after all. And who knows? (Starts Smiling Confidently) Maybe this will be the day where I actually beat you this time-

Three Rounds of Sparring Matches Later......

Makoto gets judo flipped and yeeted into the floor by her own big sister with a yelp.

'THUD'

Makoto: ('Groans in Pain and Defeat') Damnit......

Sae: (Kneels Down With One Knee While Looking Down at Makoto with a Bit of a Smug Look on her Face) Another round goes to yours truly, little sister~

Makoto: It has been nearly a decade since we've last sparred....(Raises her Habds up in Frustration) How the hell are you still this STRONG!?

Sae: Just because I've spent the entirely of my adulthood as a prosecutor, doesn't mean abandoned my training completely. In fact, usually come here to hone my skills during lunch breaks.

Makoto: (Groans Again While Rolling her Eyes) And you wonder why I kept pestering you to make friends in the office.

Sae: Hey, excuse me for not having much of a connection with my peers. And besides, I have friends! S-Sure most of them are....from your friends group and...one of them is a talking bear and a bird, b-b-but that counts for something, right!?

Makoto: (Sighs as She Gets Herself Up) I suppose it does...(Smiles a Little) I'm glad you're getting along with then.

Sae: (Happily Nodded in Agreement) Me too. So I believe next in our schedule is to go shopping?

Makoto: Yep. Ooh! Could we go to the Karaoke Bar downtown after that?

Sae: Not much of a singer myself, but sure why not-

As her phone suddenly begins to buzz inside her pants pocket, Sae takes it out and reads the message that was sent to her by Futuba.

Futuba: If u guys planning on going to a Karaoke Bar later on today, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, let Makoto sing Baka Mitai!!!

Futuba: Srsly. Ur Eyes will thank me later.

Futuba: Tell ur sis happy birthday btw!~ Luv u! Byyyyyye!~（*＾3＾)/～♡

Sae raises an eyebrow in confusion before turning back to Makoto.

Sae: Heyyyy, Makoto? Quick question: What kind of song is... (Looks Back at her Phone For a Brief Second Before Looking Back Up to Makoto) Baka Mitai again?

Makoto: (Eyes Immediately Glows Up in Excitement) Only the best song that ever been composed in Yakuza 0!~ (Places her Hand onto her Chest) And one of my personal favorites, of course. I can sing for you at the bar later on if you like. (Starts Winking at Sae in a Bit of a Cute, Pleading Manner)

Sae: Uhh....yeah, sure. (Maybe Futuba's blowing this out of porption. I mean, really, how bad could this one, harmless song possibly-)

Few Hours Later at the Karaoke Bar.....

Makoto: Dame da ne......Dame yo..... Dame na no yo~ Anta ga.....Suki de Sukisugite~ (Continues Singing)

Sae: (Covers her Face While Crying her Eyes Out and Reluctantly Singing Along) Osake Demo........Why.......('Sniff') Why....('Sniff') WHY THE HELL DIDN'T ANYONE TELL THIS WAS A GODDAMN TEAR JERKER SOONER!? (Continues Crying Out Loudly)

'Harmonica Solo'

Sae: THE HARMONICAS!? ('Sniff') REALLY!?

Later that Night, Back at the Niijma Apartment.....

TV Screen: You Got the Star!!

Makoto: ('Sighs in a Bit of Relief') There. It's all mine now.

Sae: (Raises an Eyebrow at the Screen in Front of Her and Makoto) You chose to steal a star from Waluigi instead?

Makoto: (Shrugs) He doesn't seem to be that much of threat compared to the rest of us. Plus, I'm pretty sure you would find some way to get me back if I try stealing from you.

Sae: (Turns to Makoto With a Small Glare) Oh come on. I would never do that to you.

Makoto (Glares Back at Sae) Yes you would. In fact, you're one of the most conniving, prettiest person to play Mario Party with besides Pitto-san.

Sae: (Starts Rolling her Eyes) Honestly, Makoto....How can I be all those things in one?

Makoto: Well, for starters, when we were younger, playing Mario Party 3, I've obtained Koppa Kard from a Hidden Block. A turn or two later, after you got an item of your own, all you ever told me was "Thank you" . I ask you THREE. SEPARATE TIMES. Why the "Thank You" and all you ever did after that was making widest smile I've ever seen of you yet. And-

Sae: That's when I used to the Plumber Chest to take the card away from you. ('Sighs Fondly') Ah yes. Those were the glory days~

Makoto: For YOU maybe! Oh and let's not forget the time you started that snowballing mini game knowing FULL WELL I was still reading the instructions!

Sae: (Sighs While Facepalming Herself) How many times do I have to apologize to you for that?.....I seriously thought you knew how to play.

Makoto: And I still don't believe you! Ooh! And how can I EVER forget the time that you used that same Plunder Chest to STEAL my hard earned Magic Lamp at the second to last turn!!!?

Sae: Hey, I saw the opportunity in front of me and seized it. I'm pretty sure you would've done the same if you were in my shoes.

Makoto: Yeah, but......(Points at Sae) Y-You're still a cheat!

Sae: (Raises an Eyebrow Once More) You mean "cheater", genius?

Makoto: I KNOW WHAT I SAID! Just.....(Takes a Deep Breath) For once, don't try to screw me over this tims?....PLEASE.

Sae: (Sighs While Rolling her Eyes Again) I won't screw you over this time, Makoto. Just don't do the same to me and you'll have my word. (Sticks Kne Hand Out For Shake) Agreed?

Makoto: (Tries her Hardest Not to Cave In Before Sighing in Defeat While Crossing her Arms and Rolling her Own Eyes) Fiiiine. I'll take your word for it. (Shakes Sae's Hand) Don't make me regret this.

Sae: You worry too much, little sister.(Crosses her Fingers Behind her Back) You have my undying word in all of this.

Makoto: (Squints her Eyes at her Sister Suspiciously) Mmm...hmm.

Few Hours Later.......

TV Screen: Now dig on this~ (Fingers Snapping)

Sae: (Scoffs While Sitting Next to Makoto on the Sofa) Look at him.....Trying to make his girlfriend jealous by dancing with another girl in front of her. In her own live performance nonetheless.....

Makoto: I know, right?....('Yawn') Who does that jerk......('Yaaaawn') think he is anyways? I hate him.

Sae: (Turns to her Yawning Little Sister) Feeling drowsy there already, kiddo?

Makoto: I dunno- (Starts Yawning a Little More Loudly While Stretching her Arms) Maybe? (Scratches her Back) What time is it?

Sae: (Picks her Phone Up From the Coffee Table, Turns it On, and Sees the Time on the Screen) Huh. It's past midnight already. Really went all out today, haven't we?

Makoto: Yeah. We.....('Yawn') Definitely.....did....(Slowly Lays her Head onto Sae's Lap)

Sae: (Giggles Softly) And what do you think YOU'RE doing, young lady?

Makoto: Taking a nap on your lap.... Not as soft and squishy as my Ren-Ren's, but....('Yawn') I guess it will do for now......

Sae: (Sighs While Rolling her Eyes Yet Again) Honestly.....When are you two going to get married already?

Makoto: Sooooooon......Just.....be more patient, will ya!?

Sae: (Giggles Softly) I'll try, but....(Gives Makoto a Playful Smirk on her Face) You might wanna try telling your friends the same~

Makoto: ('Sighs Heavily') Believe me, we tried.....And they STILL kept pestering us about it.....('Yawn') I guess that's the price we pay for being a couple......

Sae: Seems like it. But you still love each other, right?

Makoto: Definitely....(Snuggles onto Sae's Lap) I'll always love my sweet Ren-Rem~

Sae: (Giggles Some More) Hey! Easy on the snuggling there, Makoto. I'm still here your sister.

Makoto: I knooow.....I'm just....Really glad I get to spent time with you today, you know? You're so.... cool......

Sae: (Heart Begins to Melt in Genuine Happiness) Thanks. But if I'm being completely honest here....(Looks Down at Makoto) I think you're truly the most coolest out of the two of us. Makoto?

Makoto: (Already Fallen Asleep) Zzzzzzzzzz..........

Sae: (Sighs Once More Before Smiling Softly at her Sleeping Sister) Already out for the count. (Kiss the Top of Makoto's Head) Sweet dreams, little sister. Happy Birthday. (Looks Back Up at the TV, Mute it, and Starts Changing Channels)

Happy (Late) Birthday Queen!!

@keyenuta

@ma-lemons

@princekirijo

@cyber-wildcat

@caleb13frede

@theweebmaster31

@26shann

[khaleesiofalicante]

hey...I kinda just needed to vent. you can ignore this.

on-site school starts tomorrow and even though it's only 2 days a week I'm nervous as hell. actually, screw that I'm terrified. we've literally been online for the past 2 years only going to school for tests sometimes. but this will be different. it's a new year and new teachers and my biology teacher used to have me for maths in grade 6 and years have passed but she scares the shit out of me. I don't know why she's just...

TW S3lf h@/rm

I've recently started cutting. oh my god saying it like this...I'm terrified. because every time I'm less hesitant and that's scary. I'm afraid one day I'll hurt myself too deeply. my thoughts are all over the place and it's all kind of a mess. I've always had self-harming tendencies but never to the point of blood. It's been a few days since I last did it and I've been trying not to. but with school starting and having to face people, face teachers...I've been getting that urge again. I don't want to but it's...goddamn I sound crazy.

anyway, do you have some tips on dealing with on-site school after years of online and scary teachers who gave you nightmares years ago and still do?

Hi.

I've been meaning to write something about this since a lot of my friends here on tumblr are going to back to school in soon.

I understand your anxiety. The world is pretty shit at the moment and it's already terrifying enough.

Apologies for the late reply. I was doing some reading on this before I could write back to you.

Every single resource I read was aimed at parents. They kept talking about "how to help your child" and "how to help your teenager". But I don't think these people who are writing these resources know that the biggest problem children/teenagers have is their inability or hesitancy to talk to their parents - especially about something like this.

There is very little content/support directly addressing teenagers - which I think is absolutely ridiculous. So, I read all the resources written for parents - and tried to salvage some useful stuff.

Here is something they all recommended - which I second.

You need to establish a routine.

Having a routine generally helps reduce anxiety. Most of the anxiety comes from not knowing what is going to happen and how you are going to react to it. So, having a predictable routine - especially in areas you are able to control - will be of great help.

For example, (while this might sound boring) I map out my daily tasks every day - to the dot. I know exactly what I will be doing at any point of the day because I write it down on my phone. It helps me keep my anxiety in check. So, when you are going to back to school - especially on the days you physically have to visit, try to have a routine. Before you go to the bed the previous day, go through this mental schedule. It will make you feel a little better knowing what’s gonna happen tomorrow. 

Other than that, remember to take one day at a time. 

We really need to take baby steps here. Remember that you are not alone in how you feel. Everyone, including your peers, are terrified of what’s going on. And when people are scared, they have a tendency to act like shitheads. So, try to be kind - to others and yourself.

About this teacher of yours - I don’t know why exactly you are scared of her. If she has done something to hurt you or another student, then you should talk to someone at your school at about it. But if it is just “a vibe”, then I would suggest (if you want to) you talk to her directly. I understand how terrifying that might sound. If that’s the case, talk to another teacher (who you can trust). It is very important that you feel comfortable in your learning environment. So, if you are terrified of your teacher, then you need to be able to assess why that is - so that you can get rid of it. 

As for the self-harm, I understand why you are getting the urges again. One of the main ways to cope with self-harm is to distract yourself with a coping mechanism or a different activity. I’m not sure if you currently have any coping mechanisms that might help you. But here are some suggestions that might help. People self-harm for different reasons, I’m just going to write a bunch here. Hopefully, some of them will be useful for you!

If you're feeling anger and frustration

exercise

hit cushions

shout and dance

shake

tear something up into hundreds of pieces

go for a run.

Expressing your anger physically, or by doing things like shouting, won't work for everyone and could intensify feelings. Try things out and continue with any that have a positive effect.

If you're feeling sadness and fear

wrap a blanket around you

spend time with an animal

walk in nature

let yourself cry or sleep

listen to soothing music

tell someone how you feel

massage your hands

lie in a comfortable position and breathe in – then breathe out slowly, making your out-breath longer than your in-breath. Repeat until you feel more relaxed.

If you're feeling a need to control

write lists

tidy up

declutter

write a letter saying everything you are feeling, then tear it up

weed a garden

clench then relax all your muscles.

If you're feeling numb and disconnected

flick elastic bands on your wrists

hold ice cubes

smell something with strong odour

have a very cold shower.

If you're feeling shame

stop spending time with anyone who treats you unkindly

recognise when you are trying to be perfect and accept that making mistakes is part of being human

remind yourself that there are reasons for how you behave – it is not because you are 'bad'.

If you're feeling self-hatred and wanting to punish yourself

write a letter from the part of you that feels the self-hatred, then write back with as much compassion and acceptance as you can

find creative ways to express the self-hatred, through writing songs or poetry, drawing, movement or singing

do physical exercise (like running or going to the gym) to express the anger that is turned in on yourself.

And finally and most importantly - whether it’s self-harm or anxiety, something that ALWAYS help is to talk to someone. The fact that someone else knows what you are going through and someone else is listening can really be helpful. So, if it gets tough in school or if you are getting the urge again, please please reach out to someone you can talk to - online or offline. There is no shame in getting help when you need it. I’m always here if you want to distract yourself by talking about malec or fics or anything else. 

I wish someone had told me this. So, I'm gonna tell you now. 

It’s just school. You’re gonna get through it. 

[heresathreebee]

Brackish and Briny Waters (five)

[Ralph Lamont x Female Reader]

Summary: Ralph apologizes and you've got baby brains, but sometimes life does nothing but kick you down. Previous Masterlist Next

Tag(s): 16+ | 1.7k words | more angst, baby fever, alcoholism, ghostly vibes

AN: GODDAMN Part 5 took me a lifetime to finish. As always no beta readers just poorly side eyeing this by myself and hoping it makes sense

THE NEXT MORNING

You barely stir when you hear the door open. You've all but forgotten last night, and yet you flinch when Ralphie tries to cuddle with you. He sighs somewhere near your ear and hugs you from behind anyways, lips brushing the nape of your neck and breath fanning over your back as he simply lies there, quiet as the grave. 

There's no bruise but you can still feel his hand gripping your arm from last night. "You're being a huge dick…" 

"... I know." 

That is not good enough. You roll over to face him and watch his face twist when he notices the tract marks of dry tears on your face. He swallows and almost unconsciously takes your hand, smoothing his thumb over the back of your palm in a way that was meant to comfort him rather than you. 

"I'm sorry." He opens his mouth again but he flounders for words. After a deep breath he continues. "We can't call Reagan. Because he won't do anything for us…" 

You wait impatiently for him to explain. 

"Sweetheart, if we called Reagan last night, he would have fucking laughed at us. It is step one down that slippery slope to the couple who cried wolf." He put a hand on your shoulder and looked you in the eye, "do you really think he would have done something?" 

You think about it. If Ralph hadn't stopped you from calling him, what would you have said to Reagan? 

I smelled exhaust fumes. Not an emergency, he would say. 

I think he found us. What do you want me to do about it, too late now, he would ask.  

We're in danger. I'll send a squad upstate, they should be there in 4 hours, he would joke. 

"It was real," you insist. "I smelled fumes." 

"I know. I believe you." 

You squint at him threateningly and he doesn't give an inch. He doesn't seem like he's mocking you. 

Ralph could be an asshole, but Reagan was infinitely worse. At least one of them gave a shit about your safety. The realization Ralph was right scared you more than anything. You were alone in this… 

Well, alone together. 

You sigh and bury your face in his neck. Your hair is tangled as shit and probably tickling his face, but your husband simply wraps you up in a tight embrace and holds you against him. It's all the apology you need. 

END OF THE FIRST MONTH

Adjusting to your new life hit you like a sack of bricks early on a Monday morning. You woke up from a dream where you still lived in your tiny little apartment two minutes walk from everything. In a reality which felt more like a fever dream, Ralph was late for work, donning a tie and tweed jacket and kissing you goodbye for the day. 

You never realized how much space there was in the new master bedroom. In the apartment, a queen sized bed nearly touched the walls and barely left room to creep around two night stands and a dresser, but in the new house you had room to lay on the floor and stretch, maybe put another piece of furniture in here like a bookshelf or something. 

And the whole damn house was like that. You had an entire second floor to claim as your own! There is almost too much space… too much space for just the two of you. 

God there's that thought again drifting into your mind unbidden, unfurling like a fern at the first droplet of sunshine. How many people does it take to turn a house into a home? Three should be plenty, your mind offers. 

You busy yourself with measurements, regrouting the loose tiles in the kitchen floor, and scrubbing the blackened hell out of that downstairs bathroom. It seems to come to life beneath your hands and you can feel yourself getting excited to show guests the improvement. 

The thoughts of turning your little twosome family into three persist over and over until you can't stand it any longer. Maybe it's finally time… 

Ralph's late getting home by 5 minutes instead of 5 hours but he still looks tired. No mud tracks on his pants or hard set eyes. He's halfway up the stairs before you realize he's probably going to bed early. 

"Hey!" 

Ralph stops like it pains him. His head sags and his hold on the railing is tight like he'll fall if he lets go. The way he's wobbling he might. He is barely able to meet your eyes as he glances over his shoulder and when he does he simply grunts. 

"I made dinner," you squeeze your hands together behind your back, "angel hair pasta and that sauce you love." 

Ralph's eyes flicker in thought. "Be down in a second." 

You wait nervously to see if he does come down. What if this is a bad idea? What if he doesn't take you seriously? Oh god what if he hates it, what if he calls you an idiot for even considering it? 

Ralph does come back downstairs, hair wild from running his fingers through it. He seems to gain a small amount of energy while eating, not wanting to talk himself but asking how your day has been going. 

You're definitely rambling right now. Ralph listens and listens, chuckling along but at some point he grows concerned and envelopes your hand with a worried expression on his face. "Jesus, I've never heard so many words come out of your mouth at once, it's like you're writing a dissertation over there. Are you OK, baby?" 

You snap your mouth shut. God, you hadn't even come close to talk about kids for all your rambling. And then there was that weird smell… 

Your blood runs cold as you recognize it. You lean a little closer to Ralph and he almost instinctively flinches away. If there's one thing you are sure of, one thing you could swear on god– Ralph Lamont has never flinched away from a kiss before. So he has something to hide. And that something has a sharp scent and explains his slow reactions and tired eyes better than anything else could. 

"Have you… have you been drinking?" 

It's the way he can't meet your eyes when you ask him. You know. It's beyond out of character, so much so that it's confusing and a little frightening for you. 

A little drink here and there is, to you, to be expected especially considering the wealth of your new company. So why hide it? Is there something else he's not telling you?

You suddenly feel sick and too hot, ripping your hand away from his and getting up to leave the table. 

He knows you get in your head sometimes and practically yells your name to stop you. "I'm… I don't know why I…" 

Ralph sighs and buries his face into his hands, ashamed. All this suspense is twisting knots in your stomach. You sit back down gingerly, taking deep breaths to calm yourself down. 

"Ralph," you warn, "you had better start explaining yourself right now before I lose it." 

Ralph stares a hole into the table and worries his lip. The truth is he doesn't know what to say because he doesn't know why he did it. The students are easy, you are easy. Even in the toughest of times, at his lowest, he didn't drink so… what the fuck was coming over him?, he asked himself. 

Something clicked. It rolled like fire in his belly given dry wood, smoking curling to the top of his throat and out of his ears. "They hate me." 

"Who? Who hates you?" 

"Everyone." 

You looked him in the eye for the first time tonight and saw something dark looking in there. It makes you uneasy. "What makes you think they hate you, baby?" 

Ralph's grip on his fork tightens until his knuckles are white before he gingerly sets the dishware down and deflates. He clicks his tongue and shakes his head with a sardonic grin. 

"You wouldn't understand… and how could you? You never leave the house." He looks at you and there's a growing instability rising in his movements. "You… you don't see it. It started out as little nothings that I could ignore because it didn't matter that they didn't like me: I was new.  

"Then it became lots of these little nothings. Staring and whispering and hushed silences. Tip toeing language and poking and prodding and testing me and my limits and it just… it just… it never got better…" 

Rumors. It dawned on you that his frustration seemed intimately familiar to you as you had had to change schools once or twice due to a few terrible rumors that snowballed and got way out of hand. And you can imagine the sort of rumors that accompany a man with little interest in making friends who has a wife nobody knows anything about. 

If you wanted to stay here long, you would need to change a few minds. You set aside your fear for a moment and make him look at you. You can see the unshed tears in his eyes and feel pity for him. 

"I want to do that dinner party," you announce. "With all that's gone on, you probably didn't have the grand introduction you deserve. Let me show them how much you mean to me." 

Ralph's shaking his head but he already knows you'll win this fight. For him it feels like begging for something he doesn't even want. He agrees because he already promised you could when you were ready and you needed to find new friends asap. 

His sleep that night is fitful and the room's shadows seem to reach out like claws seeking his immortal soul. When the haze of whiskey finally dies down in his system he sleeps dreamless and wakes to feel somehow more hollow with despair than before. 

Ralph Lamont has the distinct feeling things are going to get a hell of a lot worse before anything gets better…

@werwulfy @fundamentally-lazy @escape-your-grape @mimiscappinisideblog @go-commander-kim

[malfoymania]

LOYALTIES | 5 | D.M

masterlist

CHAPTER FIVE

LILY KINGLSEY

Classes the next day seem to drag. I can't stop thinking about what happened last night in the common room. How easily my hand went to Malfoy's face when I was in such a blind state of anger. I felt guilty.

"Lily, stop worrying about it. He got what he deserved" Hermione smiles, placing her hand on mine.

I told everyone what happened over breakfast. How I slapped Draco. It didn't come to much of a surprise apparently. Ron thought it was hilarious. Harry and Hermione saw the funny side too, but I can tell they both saw how much it bothered me.

"I'm not worrying about it." I reply, snapping out of my daydream and continuing to write my essay.

"Lily, you've been stuck in your head all day" She tells me, and she's not wrong. "What's really bothering you?"

I sigh, the sickening feeling throwing itself around my stomach yet again.

"I didn't hesitate to hurt him Hermione. That screams Slytherin." I admit with guilt evident in my voice.

"Yes it does, because you are Slytherin Lily. I know how much you hate it, but you're also just like your father. You want to help the right side, just like he did."

"My mum would hate me if she knew what I'd done" I say, still feeling ashamed.

"I think she'd be bloody damn proud." Hermione is quick to say. "We all know that her and Harry's mum were two of the quickest witted and strongest women at Hogwarts. She'd of done exactly the same thing, if not worse."

I smile at her words. She's right. According to my father my mum was just like me. She had a short temper and she said what she was thinking. I could listen to him talk about her all day. His eyes light up with such joy whenever he tells me about her. It makes me proud to be their daughter.

"Come on, we can finish this tomorrow. Go get out of your uniform and we'll find the boys." She smiles.

I head back to my dorm and try to bask in Hermione's words. As hard as I try to dominate my mothers Gryffindor traits, I always seem to let my darker side slip out, and since the start of this year it only seems to be happening more and more. I wish she was here to guide me.

When I get to my dorm I pull open the door and get ready to change as quickly as possible, but I jump out of my skin when I see a figure in the corner of the room.

"Merlin Malfoy! What the fuck are you doing in here?" I yelp, not expecting to see the blonde haired boy sat in my window.

"Waiting for you" he hums, looking more relaxed than ever.

"Get out of my room" I demand, pointing towards the door.

"It's not just your room. For all you know I could be waiting for one of your roommates." he shrugs, leaning further back into the window frame.

"You literally just said that you were waiting for me" I spit, crossing my arms. I don't have time for this crap.

"What's with the rocks on your window?" He asks, completely ignoring me and picking one up, twirling it between his fingers in the sunlight.

"They're crystals. They have different healing energies."

"What does the green one do?" he questions, picking up the crystal that's our house colour.

"It's supposed to get rid of headaches."

"Does it work?" He raises an eyebrow, looking over at me from the window.

"Clearly not. You're still here." I reply blandly, rubbing my hands across my face. Why is he here?

He's hopped down from his position on the window now, and he's making his way over to me slowly.

"You're a real bitch, you know that?" He says calmly. He doesn't seem angry or offended by my words. He just simply makes his statement.

"Yes, you've told me before." He's so close to me I have to look up at him now. I bet his height gives him an incredible ego boost. I've never once been nice to Draco. I've always been a dick towards him and I'm aware of it, but when I hear him call me those words out loud I can't help but let them sting slightly.

"Well stop. It makes you annoyingly attractive." He says lowly, his grey eyes not leaving mine. My stomach drops. What the fuck?

"I...I- Wh- what?" I stumble over my words but he doesn't seem to acknowledge it. Any other time he'd use this as an opportunity to pull me apart.

"You heard me Kingsley." He looks down now at my lips. His thumb reaches to them and swipes against my bottom lip, pulling it ever so slightly as his rough skin catches it.

I'm terrified. Not only by the position i'm in but by the fact that I haven't shoved him off me yet. I'm letting him touch me. I want him to touch me.

"Draco, what are you doing?"

"Don't call me that." He hisses, his thumb leaving my lip, but sliding it across so that his hand now cups my cheek.

"Why not?" I breathe.

"Because it makes me want to do this" he whispers, placing his lips on mine.

My stomach completely erupts with butterfly's. Never once did I imagine that this would be happening. His lips are soft. So soft. He pushes against me slightly, deepening the kiss. I do the same, annoyingly not wanting to stop either.

He tastes like mint. He smells expensive. He feels amazing. He is amazi-

"What the fuck are we doing?" I pull away quickly when I stop myself from thinking the unimaginable.

"Kissing?" He replies, looking slightly shocked by the fact that I just yanked myself away from him.

"Dra- Malfoy. This is crazy! I slapped you literally just last night for being an asshole, and now you kiss me?" I yell, getting angrier by the second.

"Yeah, that was uncalled for." He states dryly.

"No it wasn't. I will never let any man degrade me, let alone a boy like you" I laugh slightly, shocked by this conversation i'm having.

"I didn't degrade you."

"Are you kidding me? All you ever do is degrade me! And my friends. You think you're better than everyone else!" It's frustrating me all the more that he's so calm during all of this. I want him to bite back.

He doesn't respond this time. He just looks at me, and as hard as i'm trying, I cannot for the life of me tell what he's thinking. "Say something goddamn it!"

"What do you want me to say?" he asks with more force.

"I don't know! You always have something to say. Some stupid shit that makes me feel like crap" I yell.

"Oh yeah? We'll have you ever noticed that you're exactly the same?" He spits, his demeanour quickly becoming less relaxed.

"Well maybe you should fucking stay away from me then!" I throw my hands in the air, completely infuriated by this situation. By him.

"I can't Lily! No matter what I do you're always there!"

We're both full of anger; heaving chests and red faces. I hate the boy. I truly do, but all I can think about is kissing his stupid face.

Before I know it. I'm the one pushing him against the wall. Both my hands cupping his face.

Unlike before, my lips move forcefully against his. Draco doesn't react at first. He stumbles backwards in shock. When I notice that it's just my lips moving I begin to pull away, but before I can his hands go to my waist and pull me against him. He's kissing me back.

"Christ, what are you doing to me Lily?" He mutters when he gasps for air. Hearing him say my name like that doesn't fill me with anger like it did last night, it makes me feel giddy and special.

His eyes are filled with hunger and lust. Ron was right; there is plenty of sexual tension that's been pent up, and we're finally realising it. Finally releasing it.

When we eventually pull away we're a pair of heaving chests, messy hair and lustful teenagers. I don't look at him to begin with. I'm embarrassed. Ashamed that I let my guard down and pinned the boy who makes me furious against a wall and kissed him.

"That was- something" Draco breaths, looking down at me. I don't say anything. He places his hand under my chin and tilts my head up to look at him. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, i'm just confused" I say honestly.

"Me too. You drive me crazy Lily Kingsley, and I hate that." His eyes flicker between the two of mine. I've never known him to be so honest before, it's weird.

"Yeah well you do too." I say with a small smile. I watch as the corners of his lips tug upwards, making my heart swell. This isn't good. "I... I need to g-go."

I quickly remove myself from his embrace and grab my bag, ready to head out the door.

"You can't just leave" Draco laughs, clearly enjoying my panic.

"Yes I can. And you need to go too." I fluster.

"If you say so" he grins, straightening his collar. I stand and watch as he saunters to the door. "See you in class Kingsley."

And with that he's gone, and i'm left wondering what the hell just happened, and why i'm desperate for more.

-

-

-

don’t forget to like, comment & reblog! ♡

[lousimusician]

Faking It

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Request: Ik you're busy working on sex pollen right now but when you could could you do one where the reader has never orgasmed with any of their SO and when they start having sex/dating peter they dont want to make him feel bad so they just fake it? And somehow peter finds out the truth and he just turns super dom and makes her cum like....a lot? Thanks! I love your writing so much!

A/N: I fell in love with this request the second I saw it omgggg, it's so goooood. Thank you to the anon who requested this, I hope I did it justice lol. I also wasn't planning to write whole ass fics for the requests and make them more like blurbs or something, but some of your guy's ideas are so good I couldn't help myself.

Warning: Smuttttt, Oral (fem recieving), language, Peter and the reader are both 18

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Peter had really just been passing through when he overheard the conversation that made his stomach twist with shame and embarrassment.

It had to be around midnight when Peter just finished patrolling Queens and he decided to stop by his girlfriend's apartment for a few minutes.

Your window was open, and just as Peter was about to crawl through was when he heard it.

You were facetiming MJ while laying on your bed, and the two of you seemed to be in deep conversation, when he heard her say, "So you've been faking it this whole time?"

Peter stopped, interest piqued to find out what exactly you had been faking.

You groaned and tugged on your hair. "Yes."

"Is he that bad or is there another reason?" MJ asked mindlessly while she worked on her homework.

"No he's good, it's me. I just- I have a hard time.. y'know..-"

"Orgasming?"

You groaned again. "I hate this conversation."

MJ put her hands up in surrender. "Hey, you were the one that wanted to have this sex talk."

You rolled your eyes. "Anyway, I think I'm just scared I won't be able to and then he'll be all embarrassed and then I'll be embarrassed, so I... fake it. And it wouldn't be the first time either, I did the same with Ian and Devin."

"And Peter has no idea?" MJ asked, looking up from her homework.

"Well I hate to brag but by the time I started dating Peter I got very good at faking it." You said pathetically.

"(Y/N) that is the saddest thing I've ever heard, don't worry you're not bragging." She responded sarcastically.

"Yeah, I know. What do you think I should do? I just feel so guilty."

MJ shrugged her shoulders. "Don't know man. Just talk to him I guess, how long can you go pretending anyway."

You shook your head. "Yeah... I'm just- I'm gonna go to bed now, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"See ya." MJ said before ending the call.

Peter backed away from your window, but lingered on the wall as everything you and MJ said sunk in.

And Peter didn't know how to feel anything other than embarrassed and betrayed.

You faked it,

Every. Single. Time.

And Peter began replaying every time the two of you had sex.

The first time you two were together, to when you had done it in the janitors closet, to when you told each other that you loved each other, to even just last night.

How had he never noticed before.

Peter punched the wall in frustration, before swinging back to his own apartment.

-----

"Hey Peter." You greeted your boyfriend the next morning at school, after arriving at his locker.

Upon hearing and seeing you Peter immediately remembered the anger he felt last night, so with gritted teeth and a clenched jaw responded with a simple, "Hey."

You furrowed your eyebrows at his tone but ignored it anyway. "So are we still hanging out later."

"Sure." He said without looking at you.

"Oookay?" You said confused by his attitude. "I'll talk to you at lunch then." You said, backing away before heading to your own class.

The rest of the day had gone by in a similar fashion. Peter was very off and you couldn't figure out why, except for that it had to be something with you because he was only acting coldly towards you.

The walk to his place with him after school was quiet and tense, and it was setting you on edge.

You tried to fill the silence with idle conversation but when his responses came off as less than interested, you finally gave up all together. And even when you reached his apartment, the two of you went straight to the bedroom silently save for the greetings to Aunt May.

The second Peter stepped into the bedroom he threw his bag down next to his desk and immediately pulled his homework out, and started on it even though it was a Friday, further proving to you that he was ignoring you.

Meanwhile, you on the other hand, decided to sit on his bed without a word.

You pulled out your phone and occupied your time with the device. 

And that was how the night slowly progressed. You shooting glances at him, while Peter pretended not to notice as he continued his homework.

It wasn't until May popped in to tell you two that she was going out for a few hours with her friends that you finally said something.

"...Peter?" You asked quietly, and all you recieved was a hum in response. "Are you mad?"

Peter continued writing, "No." He said simply but with a bite that told you he was definitely angry.

"Did I do something?"

"No." He said again, jaw clenching.

"If you don't tell me, I can't fix it."

Peter stopped writing and began tapping his pencil against his paper, trying to figure out what to say. "...You've been faking it." He said as if the words burned his tongue, gaze fixed on the textbook in front of him.

You sat up on your knees, jaw dropped and eyebrows furrowed. "H-how-?"

"I went to stop by your place last night-"

"Y-you heard." You stuttered out in a small voice, shame seeping into your conscious.

"Yeah I heard." He said bitterly. "Did you really fake it every time?" He finally looked at you.

You gaped at him, torn between telling the truth and lying but the look he gave you told you it would be wisest to tell the truth. "...I did."

The pencil in his hand snapped.

"P-Peter I'm so sorry, I was just so embarrassed-"

"Oh you're embarrassed?" He asked sarcastically. "Imagine how I feel knowing that everytime I slept with my girlfriend I've never been able to make her cum."

"No! Peter it's really not your fault. The last two guys I dated were never able to make me cum either."

"Great, now I'm like those two assholes." He muttered, standing up.

You shot up off the bed, stepping closer to Peter. You placed your hands on his cheeks so he would give you his undivided attention. "Listen to me Peter." You said sternly. "I love you so much and I am sorry I never told you. You are so amazing in every way and if I'm being completely honest...I've never been able to make myself cum eith-"

You were roughly cut off by Peter's lips crashing against yours. Your hands fell to his chest, while one of his gripped your jaw firmly and the other tightly held your hip. "Stop talking." He muttered, his lips going to your neck.

"W-what?" You asked breathlessly.

"I said stop talking." He repeated more firmly this time. He picked you up and tossed you onto the bed, raising a hand to shoot a web at the door to keep it locked in case May came back early.

Peter moved on top of you now, leaning back. "This is how it's gonna go, I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make you cu-"

"But Pete-"

"I'm speaking now." 

"S-sorry." You said, biting your lip.

"I'm going to make you cum alright?" He said pulling off his sweater, "And you're going to communicate with me this time to make sure- take off your shirt." You did as he said, taking your bra off too. "To make sure you do cum, and you're not going to fake it okay?"

You nodded profusely.

"Good. Now, you can talk." He said as his hands began undoing your jeans.

"..What if I can't though." You whimpered.

"That's why you're going to talk to me, princess." Peter said gently, voice losing its roughness at seeing how worried you were. He pulled your jeans off your legs. "You're going to tell me exactly what you need, and I'm going to re-learn everything about your body." Peter pulled off your panties next, leaving you completely naked. "...Grab the headboard for a second." He said, an idea coming to mind.

You cocked an eyebrow but did as he said anyway and jumped in surprise when he webbed your hands together. 

You turned your head, looking at your hands, before looking back to Peter with a confused expression.

"I want the only thing you focus on to be on what I'm doing." He said, moving down your body so he was situated between your thighs.

He pulled your legs over his shoulders and you struggled to look down at him because of your bound hands. Without warning Peter flattened his tongue going from the bottom of your slit to the top, making you throw your head back into the pillow with a moan. 

He did the same thing again only this time his lips latched onto your clit.

"Ahh~ fuck." You hissed.

His mouth worked against you until you were a whimpering mess, your hips beginning to grind against his face desperately, making him bring an arm up to pin you to the bed.

He knew you needed more but he wanted to hear it from you first so he pulled away and muttered. "Start talking princess." Before latching his lips back onto your clit.

"Y-your fingers." You stuttered. 

He hummed against you, the vibration sending a wave of pleasure down your spine. Peter brought his free hand to your pussy and slid a finger in easily due to how wet you were.

His tongue worked your clit as he started thrusting and curling a finger into you.

And it felt good, it always felt so good. Which was why it was so goddamn frustrating to feel so much pleasure that went no where, built up to nothing. 

But tonight you were as determined to cum as Peter was at making you.

"M-more~" You gasped out. Peter complied sliding a second finger in, his ministrations speeding up and using more force. "Peter~" You moaned. "Don't stop~ f-fuck."

The two of you sat there for god knows how long and Peter was finally starting to understand why you would fake it.

He pulled away, fingers still thrusting into you. "C'mon pretty girl, tell me what you need." You just looked so desperate to cum. Mouth gaping open as you whined and begged, your hips trying to move with him if not for the arm pinning you down, and it was driving Peter crazy. He was so hellbent on getting you to cum that he hadn't even registered how painfully hard he was, his own hips beginning to grind into the mattress for a sense of relief.

"I-I don't know." The words coming out as a frustrated sob, making Peter's heart clench.

That was when he got an idea.

Peter had always been aware of how gentle or rough he was with you, because if he didn't he could seriously hurt you due to his super strength.

But right now he realized that maybe that was just what you needed.

So with new intent, Peter slid a third finger in and started thrusting them into you, curling them to hit your g-spot perfectly. Mouth reattaching to your pussy again, he stimulated you with more force and strength behind every movement than he had ever used before.

And your reaction was immediate.

You practically screamed in pleasure. Body shaking almost violently, as your legs were wrapped tightly behind his back.

Your mind had gone fuzzy, never having felt this much pleasure before. And it was seriously fucking you up. 

An unfamiliar knot started forming making you more and more desperate for Peter. And just as you felt you were about to fall over the edge for the first time.

Peter stopped, removing his fingers and mouth.

Your eyes shot wide open. "P-Peter." You sobbed. "Why'd you s-stop." 

Peter crawled up your body, thumb wiping away the tears you didn't realize had fallen. 

He kissed your lips before saying. "Couple of reasons. First, that's what you get for not telling me about this sooner, and second, I realized that I want to be in you the first time you cum." 

You whimpered as he backed away so he could undo his pants. Your eyes raked up and down his lean muscular body, your fingers starting to itch with wanting to touch him.

"Can you dissolve the webs?" You asked.

He paused, looking at you for a second. "..No."

Your eyebrows furrowed. "B-but Peter-" You whined.

"No. I kinda like you like this, and I have a feeling you're going to need to hold onto the headboard because of how hard I'm gonna fuck you."

Your cheeks burned, he was never usually this forward. "Peter!" You spluttered.

He ignored you while he finished undressing himself, getting up to grab a condom before easily finding his spot on top of you again once he finished putting it on. He pressed his lips against yours again in an intoxicating kiss, while he gripped his cock to line up with your entrance and slowly pushed in, making the two of you moan into the kiss.

He pulled back slightly. "I'm not going to go easy on you." He said breathily, lips grazing yours as he spoke. "Think you can handle it?"

"Mhmm," you hummed.

"Good." He said, sitting up as a hand went to your leg to hike your thigh onto his hip, while his other hand started gripping the top of his headboard.

He admired the way you looked with your hands bound as you stared up at him wide eyed. 

And without any warning he pulled back and snapped his hips roughly into you. You arched your back as a moan passed through your lips.

Peter kept a fast and rough pace, fucking into you hard. And he had found himself enjoying it much more than he thought he would, not having to hold back and be mindful of his powers.

You had been clearly enjoying yourself too. Your head tossed back in ecstasy while you moaned and whined incoherently, forgetting how to form words. You couldn't think at all, only being able to feel Peter.

The relief you felt when that unfamiliar knot started to form, letting you know that Peter may actually get you to cum, was amazing.

"P-Peter I think I'm gonna-" you cut yourself off with a moan.

"Y-yeah?" He grunted out, picking up more speed. "Then do it pretty girl. Cum." His hand that was on your thigh trailed down to your clit and he started rubbing it in rough circles. 

The extra stimulation was what tipped you over.

You came with a loud scream of Peter's name on your lips. And you came hard. The pleasure feeling so unreal that you couldn't believe you had gone this long without ever experiencing it. Your vision turned almost black, seeing stars. 

You had cum so hard you hadn't even realized Peter came too, until after you came down from the high.

You were panting, absolutely breathless, feeling Peter's weight on you as he was slumped against you now.

Your body was shaking, and you muttered out. "Holy shit."

You could feel Peter's smile against your shoulder. He pulled out, making you jump at the feeling and he rolled off of you, panting just as hard while the two of you stared at the bottom of the top bunk.

"You're amazing." You muttered again.

Peter laughed, grin widening. "And to think you could've been cumming this whole time if you just told me."

You rolled your eyes. "Yeah I know... I was just embarrassed."

"Don't be."

You hummed. "Can I stay the rest of the night?"

" 'course. I prefer you stay anyway."

"So.. can you dissolve the webs now?"

Peter turned his head to look at you, making you turn to look at him too. He raised an eyebrow. "You didn't think we were actually done, did you?"

You looked at him confused, "W-what?"

His hand ran down to your pussy again, finding your clit, making you jump. "I plan on making up for every time you faked it, by the end of the night."

"B-but what about May? She'll be back soon."

Peter glanced at the time, seeing that it was only 9. "Aunt May goes out with her friends once a month and she never has gotten home before 1 or 2 in the morning. We have time."

You stared at the glint in Peter's eyes, and knew you were utterly screwed. "Oh fuck."

--------------------------------------------------

Permanent Taglist:

@Spiderdudeparker @peterparkers-waffles @smexylemony @ultimategalaxyprogram @xxxxdelenaxxxx @chonisberonica @meaningoflifeisfandoms @aegis-s-s @Just-random-stuff-18 @etherealhollandd @yourwonderbelle @roi-yang @ironspiderstark @runningoutofwordstosay @retroparkers @marvelismylifffe @marvelhoeingismyhobby @thebadtruth @loud-binch @cosmicparkerr @thechickvic @magiclolipopqueen @httpmcrvel @parkeroffline @yang-seubinnie @lou-la-lou @all-of-the-fandom-trash @lovesaweed  @onaaaaaaaaanplum @lucifersnipnips @riverside-fogarty @thegirlwiththeimpala @joyfullyje @roonyxx @scoobieboobiedoo @ixchel-9275 @oh-annaa @sassyactorsandmanyfandoms

P.P. Taglist:

@i-alyssa

[dorkery]

Okay i want to take some time here to moan like a bitch because I am going to EXPLODE

1. Parents have been asking me to volunteer sew PPE clothing for Covid-19 front liners. I have no objections.

2. Dad puts me in touch with a specific lady. I contact her. Lady explains the initiative badly and just adds me to the WhatsApp group. I have no idea what the fuck. I'm just told there is a briefing at a mall (BUT I DON'T WANT TO GO???? JUST SEND ME THE FUCKING MATERIALS AND LET ME SEW AT HOME????)

3. Dad checks in to see if I have contacted her. I said I have. At this juncture, I also message the lady again and ask her if she can accommodate my request to sew at home and for a video demonstration. She says maybe.

4. Dad wanders by later, tells me the Malaysian director of health (our surgeon-general) has indicated a PPE shortage. I tell him I've already contacted her, note that I've started to become annoyed.

5. Nobody explains a fucking thing to me. In the WhatsApp group, I straight up just say look will someone tell me what is happening? I'm a first time volunteer I don't know a goddamn thing.

6. WOW COULDN'T YOU HAVE JUST SHARED THIS INTRODUCTORY MESSAGE FROM THE FUCKING START???????

7. WOW SHE'S JUST IGNORING MY REQUEST FOR A VIDEO AND NOW I HAVE TO GO ACROSS THE FUCKING STATE TO SHAH ALAM TO GO TO THIS STUPID MALL TO SEW.

8. Dad tells me to stop complaining and to be 'sincere' in volunteering.

9. It's Tuesday. I tell him I'll go to the fucking mall on Saturday.

10. He proceeds to ask me, EVERY DAY, why I don't just go NOW. I tell him because I chose Saturday. He's unhappy.

11. He complains to my mother. Now I'm openly rude to my dad in front of her (If YOU are so eager to go tomorrow, then YOU can volunteer sew. I want to go on SATURDAY). No one is happy. Especially me.

12. I go to the mall on Saturday. She's asked everyone to gather at 11. I fucking know Malay people and Malaysian time. I tell my hovering father there's no need to be punctual. We get there around 11.05 or 11.10 anyway.

13. The organiser arrives at fucking 12. Can you imagine how fucking furious I am already.

14. The sewing machine they have me use is an old industrial model WHICH I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WORK. Like, how do I thread the needle??? How do I fix the bobbin???? How do I backstitch?????? Not to mention every time I sew, the thread escapes the needle and the bobbin thread straight up tangles.

15. I am straight up not having a good time.

16. Lady is obnoxious and condescending when i say I'm not used to the machine. "ohhh just be gentle with it, it's so easy to use!!!!" bitch this is a fucking Toyota from 2001 and I use a 2019 brothers machine, you're asking a digital native to identify VHS player

17. I take 3 (T H R E E) FUCKING HOURS TO SEW ONE PPE OUTFIT BECAUSE I AM FRUSTRATED AND ANGRY AND FIGHTING THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MACHINE

18. Dad realises I'm holding myself back from screaming at people and being a rude POS. He goes on to chat with them (why the fuck are you even here dad) and I viciously refuse lunch to work through this fucking PPE. (Refusing food in Malay culture is a slap in the face)

19. It took me 3 hours of silently screaming to finally understand the fucking sewing machine because this Lady has no sense of organisation. I sew my second PPE outfit in less than 25 mins. My dad's like??????? And I'm fuming like, I want to use my own fucking machine.

20. We quickly leave with materials for me to sew at home (15 PPE). I am DONE sewing for the day.

21. Next day I sew all the shoulders only. I think the materials have mites on them bc I'm fucking itching like crazy and had to take a shower halfway and then bug spray my workspace. Dad had the gall to suggest my cats (who started playing around the materials - jesus christ if you're not going to be sewing then you can at least move the cats away right???? I'm BUSY) maybe the ones who caused it but Im like HELLO?????? YOU SNUGGLE OUR CATS EVERY DAY??????? WHEN HAVE YOU SCRATCHED?????? MY CATS SLEEP ON MY FUCKING BED AND YET MY JAMMIES AND BEDSHEETS ARE MITE-FREE WHAT DO YOU THINK???????? and he's like oh

22. Next day, I sew all the sleeves. This gave me the most problems on Saturday but at home this is a breeze. It takes me most of the day. I am starting to get sick of sewing these things. During a break when I'm just going through a message, my dad wanders in and asks me if the seamstress is done for the day. I flatten the urge to tell him to fuck off.

23. I have to make lunch on top of sew and I'm tired. Now I have to sew the neckline and i am discovering quickly this is the worst part of sewing the fucking PPE and I eventually resort to pinning everything in place for the first time. Lady contacts me and asks me on progress. I tell her I just have the string left. She asks me if I want to finish up at the mall. I say NO. I WANT TO SEW AT HOME WITH MY OWN MACHINE. she senses I am not a friendly person.

24. This morning I came down after the usual bout of restless sleep. Dad asks me when I can finish bc Lady had contacted him already. My mood plummets immediately. I started sewing the waist ties as noisily and angrily as possible. Bundle done, I pass everything to him. He meekly asks me if I want a second batch to sew. I say FINE.

YO, AS A VOLUNTEER????? STOP BREATHING DOWN MY FUCKING NECK??????????? THIS THING IS NOT A PLEASANT THING TO SEW???????? AND I AM LITERALLY THE ONE SEWING IT

I AM NOT A FUCKING SEWING MACHINE AND THIS IS NOT MY JOB???? I HAVE OTHER THINGS I WANT TO DO AND I LITERALLY CANNOT DO IT BECAUSE I AM VOLUNTEERING MY TIME, ENERGY AND MENTAL *STRENGTH* TO COMMIT TO THIS

GIVE ME FUCKING ROOM TO BREATHE BECAUSE I AM HATING EVERY MOMENT OF THIS AND YET I AM DOING IT ANYWAY

AND ANOTHER THING!!!!

25. I have been telling my parents NOT to share pics or tell people I am sewing PPE. DON'T FUCKING DO IT????? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST RESPECT THIS ONE FUCKING REQUEST????? STOP USING ME TO WIN RESPECTABILITY, I DON'T WANT ATTENTION AND I ESPECIALLY DON'T WANT THE FUCKING EMPTY PRAISE OKAY???????? JESUS CHRIST

[pan-xichen]

(Long rant warning)

I think some people actually don't understand the process of writing. Like I see tons of people flip their shit when lm and jds say anything about how the story and characters were in the development of voltron and say they're terrible people for considering these as concepts in their story (like the idea to kill off Shiro, for example, was obviously scrapped both due to executives and also they were already thinking of a way to work him back into the story before the execs even stepped in; I had someone yell at me for like three separate replies in a post about how lm and jds are ~problematic~ because they wanted Shiro to be gay and there was a draft of the story in which he died and I'm just like honey... no... that's how writing works... creators change their minds and rework concepts all the time). People fail to realize how much drafting and writing and rewriting goes into producing a final product and it frustrates me as an author myself to no fucking end. Like... maybe understand how writing works before you yell about the showrunners being problematic because they considered killing off certain characters or whatever you idiots get mad about. Please shut up.

And for anyone who's about to attack me for possibly not knowing what I'm talking about, allow me to introduce you to my warrior cats character, Silverstorm:

I have had the same oc since I was an edgy depressed preteen who first got into warriors via the Graystripe and Millie manga which was the only book my school actually had. He started out as a super depressed, battle-scarred, emo she-cat whose mate was a rogue named Furyheart and I heavily projected on her. His original design had cheesy anime hair and one purple eye and one yellow eye and at one point she even had wings. A few years later (around 11th grade or so) I gained interest in warriors again and genderbent him because I felt like it and two years ago I scrapped the wings (even though it was super fun to draw cats with wings pff) and decided he was gay and this was his cat-boyfriend:

Silverstorm's reworked story at that time was that he was meant to be a medicine cat but felt that he was better at fighting and hunting so he hid his ability to communicate with starclan and relayed prophecies to his sister who had wanted to be a medicine cat. At one point in development he was a half-clan cat and his sister was in the other clan, too (now they are both in the same clan). He was constantly butting heads with an older warrior called Foxtail:

(can you also tell I don't know what a consistent art style is pffft this is the most recent ref I've drawn) who was an ambitious ass and a little too close to Tigerstar in personality so I changed the story fairly recently (like in August last year??) so that Silverstorm and Foxtail had trained together and been friends, and now Foxtail is Silverstorm's ex. Foxtail's motives for being an evil son-of-a-bitch are now "cat god is telling me to do this" instead of "I want power" because in this story starclan is now corrupt and has a leader (even though they're not supposed to) who banishes cats to the dark forest if they stand up to her. Silverstorm is no longer a supposed-to-be medicine cat and his sister is a medicine cat who can actually speak to starclan. He is visited by a dark forest cat called Flamestar who was the first leader of a rival clan and learns that his clan and that clan are actually connected by blood because the first leader of his clan was Flamestar's son. There's this whole thing where the conflict between Flamestar and his son parallels the one between Silverstorm and Foxtail but the parallels are reversed and eventually Silverstorm has to die so he can kill cat-god but like... I'm not even done? And half of what I just typed might get changed again before I get around to actually writing this?

As for an example of a very popular franchise other than voltron doing this, assassin's creed, one of the most financially successful and well-known video game series in the world, started out as a spinoff of prince of persia. An entire goddamn franchise almost didn't exist and because of a few decisions from the developers, now we have all these historical stabby simulator games. Another change that significantly impacted a video game franchise was the single decision to not have the evil ending of infamous 2 be canon. They changed it so as to not alienate players who preferred the good endings, and game that followed, infamous second son, was vastly different from what it could have been if evil!Cole had been canon instead.

The point I'm trying to make here is that a story can go through a ton of rewrites before it's finished. You can't fault an author (or any creator for that matter) for having concepts while in development that you happen find problematic. If those concepts make it to the final story, fine, be mad at them. But seriously, yall need to calm the fuck down and realize that this is the nature of storywriting. Go outside or something.

[consistent-self-destruction]

hey babes it's been a second <3 still stressed as always but what's new right? well for some updates: i am officially a high school graduate <3 and a committed college student <3 and yet still completely and utterly clueless <3

it's been a slow summer. but prom was a lot of fun - not everything i'd hoped and wanted, but it was still fun for what it was and would be considered a dream to anyone else. my dress was a dream that's for sure - it's the one thing that made me truly okay that night. it was the princess ballgown of my dreams and i felt like the belle of the ball :) so many compliments and princess / prom queen comments. it was nice. i hoped for something a little close to romance but that's a dreamer's mind. my friends were good company and had me sweating on the dance floor - i miss them <3 and at the end, my mom actually let me go to a friend's house for some karaoke and post-prom hangout which was incredibly fun. it was nice to be out so late and feel like a real teenager for once. it was a good night and my friends are cherished memories in my mind. i have some things that i wished had happened which is why i say it wasn't all i'd hoped - and i got there late so i missed out on time ( and dinner ! ) - but again, it was a beautiful night for what it was.

graduation i can't exactly give the same high praise.

it was a beautiful ceremony and i felt beautiful with the dress and heels i wore, and mom did my hair and makeup and i got to decorate my cap last minute. ( which i should note on the side: i've noticed my grad cap is missing and i have zero doubt in my mind that my mom took it smh. ) i decorated it with letter charms for a 3D effect and they spell out "i am made of love and it's stronger than you" from steven universe :) it has butterflies on it too ! i chose that quote because it's sort of a small secret dig at everyone and everything that has posed obstacle or hardship in my life. my mom, unkind people at school, etc. there have been so many things that have beaten me down since i was in middle school and it's been really hard mustering the strength to forage past obstacles and frustrations and helpless circumstances. but im here. ive done it. ive lived til graduation and my freedom is so close i can taste the dew of the unbound horizon. and ive made it to this point all because im made - chockful - of goddamn love. love for my bestfriend, love for my dad, for my baby sister, a slow growing love for myself, and love for an unending list of things like art, music, nature, dreams, and so much more.

i tried my best to be excited through the whole thing but the entire day, the reality of what was happening just didnt strike me. i felt detached - i was leaving this place and this process of leaving was supposed to be emotional and striking because of it's meaning and my connection to it. but i wasn't really emotional. if anything i felt pretty apathetic, as if i was just an empty vessel just moving through space - existing through the moment instead of living it. i'd never really felt all that connected to this place and i had some cherished bonds and good memories, but nothing that felt heart-shatteringly meaningful you know? and i tried to pretend, god, i find i'm really good at that. i was with a friend during the ceremony and was around some people i knew, and i tried to pretend that the whole thing was exciting and nerve wracking - and admittedly i was really jittery - but i think that's because my body didn't know how to react so it just conjured up a lot of nervous uncertain movement. i said a lot of "this is really it" "can you believe it?" "ahh i'm so nervous" "i'm ready" "i'm not ready" and everything like that, but i think i just said all that to have something to say. and the hugs i gave and everything were meaningful because i did appreciate everyone who had made memories with me. but after it was all over, it was like it never existed. like i was never really apart of anything in this environment ever. it didnt feel real. the ceremony nor the life and experiences that the ceremony celebrated. i just felt so unattached because i never really had anything solid in this place. it was always just temporary. i had no deep connection to anyone or anything here so it felt as if i was never there at all. and that lack of connection just felt so empty. when youre at an event that's meant to make you feel overflown with emotions - feeling empty just feels bad and wrong. and it didn't help that my parents didn't seem all that proud afterward. i won't get too much into that but essentially: my mom was upset because her and my family couldnt find me after the ceremony and she had been calling my phone while i was inside getting my actual diploma ( cause they didn't hand them out on stage, they only gave us the book covers ). and when my mom's upset - well it puts everyone in a sour mood. my dad and grandma found me and we had to walk a long way to the car where my mom was complaining and making a fuss about me just as i was walking up. not even - i could hear her railing up from three cars down. it just wasn't a good feeling. it felt like nothing had changed. i had gone to this event that was supposed to mark the turning point in life where everything changes, and yet i was going back home with and to the same people as always who make me feel the same bad things as always - so did anything really change? oh, and she was also upset because she texted me during the ceremony to put my hand up and wave so she could see me but i said absolutely not because the principal was giving a speech and that would be embarrassing and rude - especially when i couldnt even see her myself, so i'd just be waving and looking around like an idiot while it's dead silent and the principal is speaking. but she didn't understand my perspective and was still upset. but yeah: all in all. not the best really at all. it makes me sad to think back to it. it just felt disappointing because i know that i didnt feel the things i was supposed to feel, i didn't get the pictures i was supposed to get, and i just didnt celebrate the way it shouldve been celebrated. it was all wrong. but it is what it is i guess.

that same night, my mom took my phone just because it was there on my bed and i guess she was bored. i didn't get it back til some 2 weeks later when we went on vacation to a water resort for 3 days. and then she took it again while we were at the resort and i havent had it since. so yeah. it's been a pretty lonely, boring summer. but i'm coping.

i finally committed to a college :) i wont say obviously for privacy reasons but it's been a really rocky process. it's so difficult stepping into a role of personal responsibility and control over my life, when for the majority of it - everything i've ever really had to do has had to be "approved." my parents are so confusing. they tell me that i cant just make decisions by myself when it's their money but when i go to them they ignore me and shut the door in my face. and when we finally DO actually talk and work something out, i have responsibilities that i need to take care of and they shove me off to do what i need to do.. but yet don't provide me the RESOURCES to carry out my responsibilities ?? and when i ask for the resources i need or for just some basic fucking assistance in doing what i need to do, i'm ignored and pushed away - and then told that i shouldve done things ages ago. WHEN I'VE BEEN TRYING. it's so frustrating, i just cant put it to good words. i feel my eyes burn just writing about it. it's so confusing and frustrating and feels so demeaning. i feel so unheard. the only time we properly talk is for them to tell me what i can and cant do. but when i need to talk to them about anything else - what i need help with or dont understand or a step in the process that i need my phone or a computer for, i'm just shut down. my dad told me to "stop being irritating" the other day. are you fucking kidding me? it hurts. it hurts so much. to have needs that aren't heard or respected and all the while, figure everything out on my own when it's an overwhelming sea of information to process, and FURTHER all the while, dancing on eggshells to not say or do the wrong thing so that i dont risk losing resources and worse. it's a tiptoe tap dance on a minefield and mf i never had megan knees. hhh. anyways, that's that. the first day of classes is the end of next month and i still need to get my final transcript sent over, file some health forms, and continue the registration process and get familiar with all the random confusing portals. and on top of that: i never got to go to orientation, which is awful because how am i gonna get my questions answered now? i figured on calling the school. that's my only option really. but what the hell am i gonna say? "hello, i wasnt able to make it to orientation but i still have very important questions about dorm life, dining, and work on campus - oh and not to mention, i still have not seen the actual campus in person and have apparently already been assigned a dorm and roommates according to my student portal, but i have not seen the dorm in person either and have no idea how the move in process will work. school starts the end of next month and im very nervous about not knowing my way around this school and the dorms that i have yet to ever actually visit, and i am uncomfortable with my confusion about the move in process, meal plans, and campus work programs considering how quickly i will soon be attending school compared to how little i know and how little i am prepared. all this to say: even though i couldnt come to orientation, would it be possible to schedule a visit with an advisor of some sort where i can see the campus and get my questions answered?" it sounds practical, but is anyone really gonna give me the time when this time was specifically designated for orientation for this reason?? it's embarrassing and makes me nervous, but it's my only option. that's where i'm at right now with college sigh.

anyways, I have more to say but it got too long so part 2 coming asf

- 7.23.22 | 7:43 AM -

[dzpenumbra]

1/7/23

I had a lot of positive things I was carrying into today. I had momentum. I had motivation. I had confidence. Even despite being woken up like 4 times by my upstairs neighbors. I got up, I stopped myself from "helping" some local person realize that their crusade against the entire Goodwill chain was really because they were upset that the branch manager was rude to them when they denied their donations a week after new years, at the busiest and most stressful time of year. I didn't comment, I walked away. I was better for it.

I did my yoga. Brutal. I felt weak. I was weak. I fell over. I shook. I felt faint. But I made it through it. And I reminded myself that I've done 30 day challenges like this every year since the pandemic started, and every year I complete them. This will be no exception. Day 5, done.

I showered. I listened to an album that I haven't had good associations with since college. That two broken, damaged, unfair relationships ruined for me. And I vowed to reclaim that album. Its beauty should not belong to pain alone. It deserves to be appreciated, not feared. And I made it through the whole thing.

I got my TV. I paid 50 bucks for some woman to drive the thing 8 minutes to my door and have me take it out of her fucking car because she "dislocated her shoulder". The frustration of this didn't really hit until the walk back to the apartment. I was fucking awake anyway. I was up and moving anyway. I was just so fucking frustrated with myself. All because of this stupid trauma and anxiety shit swarming around me because I have a fucking wolf at the door every goddamn day. And I'm baiting the fucker to my door. And I answer the fucking door like almost every goddamn day. Like an idiot. I'll clarify in a second.

I sorted boxes. Finally. I took my momentum from getting my TV and transmuted it into sorting my recycling, breaking down boxes and organizing. The plan being, when the TV was done, I could break down that box too. Then I can load all the boxes into the cart and bring them up to the recycling and get it over with. Keep the ball rolling, always keep the ball rolling. Thats my strat, it's literally the only way I get shit done. What happened, you ask? Oh, I'll get there, don't worry. Don't wanna glaze over this bittersweet gem.

I got two simultaneous texts when I was in the shower. Surprising, because I never get texts. I mean that. I never get texts. So I heard the sound and I legit assumed it was part of the music. One was my mom, asking if I needed any support today. The other was my sister in law. My sister in law was letting me know that she and my brother and nephew (who I haven't even met yet, he's getting pretty close to a year old now) were nearby and wanted to see if it was cool if they dropped by. My place is an absolute warzone. It makes me wonder if they've ever really... even seen what any of my houses look like. I honestly don't think they have. I mean, the entire perimeter of my main room is packed cardboard boxes full of my possessions. I have barely any furniture. I look like I moved in yesterday. It's been over a month. It's humiliating. And it's really not kid-safe. And the worst part, it's 100% a mental health thing. And I really shouldn't have to explain myself. But if I don't it is kinda unfair to other people to blindside them with this when they show up.

I let my sister in law know that my place was a mess and... well... my confidence was high so I said if they wanted to they could feel welcome to drop by. I'd swallow that pill for the chance to finally meet my nephew. Here's the part that I didn't really process, that I'm just processing now. They were in town meeting a potential babysitter. You know, looking for child care. While I'm 20 minutes away, unemployed, have trouble leaving my house and I haven't even met my nephew yet. And I have several months experience babysitting my "former godchild" at the exact same age. And I'm just... not considered. Again, I would wager because of mental health. Or just... not getting to know me. No clue. Fucking odd that I'm not even considered for dogsitting, I just lost my fucking dog 6 months ago and it doesn't even pop into their heads that maybe I might miss it a bit? That maybe 10 years of experience raising the same breed of dog alone might be enough to qualify me? And maybe I could use some cash? Because I'm technically unemployed and I have no income? Like... I'm not kidding... it's really fucking weird that the babysitting thing... I used to get my goddaughter to nap and keep myself entertained, our compromise, was to put on Twilight Zone, the original series. She'd conk right out and I'd have something cool to watch. And now, this shit just feels like I'm straight up in an episode of it. I mean that genuinely, it's a big part of why I can't even smoke weed right now. Because I start to feel like I'm actually in some kind of fantasy series or something, that this is fiction, that some trickster god is fucking with me, or aliens or interdimensional beings or something. Because how could this be fucking real life?!

Glad I missed that (sarcasm), because besides overcoming the yoga obstacle... that was the best thing that happened today. I started setting up the TV and I was concerned about putting it on my glass-top coffee table. I called my mom to get her opinion. It started okay. Then I started setting up the TV. The setup stuff was kinda in broken english, which is always... it kinda feels like a bad sign? Like maybe corners were cut? You know? And a little anxiety about that whole "maybe this is was a bad investment, maybe i picked the wrong TV" came up. But I squelched it pretty quick. Then it came time to get my TV connected to the wireless router. And guess who hasn't entered his wireless password in... oh god... over 2 years? Because my PC and Xbox were hardwired and my phone/laptop just autosaved. Guess. It was me. I forgot my wifi password. But hey, check it out, Xfinity is super convenient, right? I remembered that their app lets you just pull up the app on your phone and hit a button and you can get right into your router, don't even have to do any of that admin browser entry shit. So I pop open the app and log in. 2-factor hits me, of course. Then I'm in and my fucking account says "INACTIVE". Yep. And the address is my old address. Yep.

So I try to get my mom to get into her account, in case... for some mysterious reason... it was set up in her name. She forgot her password. She tried to get me to give her my login and my password, for some reason. After like 10 minutes, I made it pretty fucking clear that I really do not feel comfortable reading out my login and my password out loud with paper-thin walls in my apartment building. It just started off with that goddamn tone where it was like... she was just doing whatever the fuck she wanted and she "knew best". Like what the fuck do you even need my password for? I'm literally logged in right now. You need YOUR password. Can you tell I'm angry? Well stuffing that down and repressing it for 3 fucking hours of pulling teeth will do that. Every time I asked for something, every time I asked a question, just fucking goddamn stonewalled. Like, I shit you not, I asked 4 consecutive questions and she flat-out acted as though the Men in fucking Black came in and neurolyzed her. Like I never even spoke words. I had to check to make sure I wasn't muted. But she was straight up fucking ignoring me and dodging. And I'd bring attention to it. "Hey, I've asked you a like 3 questions now and you haven't answered, can I get that information please?" and just... deflection. Dodging.

So why the fuck did I stick around this? Why was my hand glued to the goddamn lit stove? Because I do not have access to my own internet account. If anything goes wrong with it, I'm fucked. I don't have the password, it's not in my name, if I call support I strongly doubt they'd give me access without confirmation from the account holder. Because she owns that part of my life. And this has been done "for my convenience" for almost 2 decades. I got my rent out from her control. I got a few other things out too. But my internet is apparently in her name. And my insurance. And my car insurance. And my car itself. Which is why my car has been sitting idle in a dealership lot not being repaired, they haven't even ordered the parts. And they haven't even spoken to me. Because her name is on the fucking car. I'm 30 goddamn 6. I didn't choose this. I've literally known no other way. This is how things have always been. I mean that. I had no idea this wasn't normal until really recently. And I really feel like I'm in some kind of Britney Spears conservatorship or something, I don't know. It scares me, because I endured some really fucking abusive shit tonight. Like having the 3 hour dragging feet, power struggle, making shit difficult bullshit being blamed on me because I have memory problems. That I literally can't do anything about. That hurt me more than anyone else. I actually have to leave notes around the house for myself to remember to get basic things done. It's not an easy life when you live fucking alone. Shit falls through the cracks every goddamn day, every hour, it feels like.

I had to hang up again. I was very clear dozens of times that what was happening was not okay, and that it's a repeat of the same fucking problem over and over, and I was just told over and over that I brought it on myself. That it was warranted because she was simply "defending herself". And she wasn't even trying to control herself. Not even attempting. She was just... right. And I was wrong, and "aggressive" (not stressed, not frustrated, not having his problem be taken over by a geriatric woman who was not welcomed and asked several times to stop, "aggressive"), because that justifies her anticipatory "defense".

I get stressed with a problem. The "supporting" person misreads my stress as aggression towards them. The "supporting" person does not verify this assumption, but acts on it by "defending" aka retaliating. I get my ass beat by my "support" for being legitimately stressed out about a real problem I'm having. Totally healthy.

Now I guarantee that at least 2 of my neighbors heard my side of the argument. Oh fuck, I almost forgot the best part! Oh so my dad decides to barge into her room and just start talking to her when she was on the phone, and I asked her to relay a message to him and guess what? He fucking responded. Because I was on goddamn speakerphone the whole time. Yep. So next time, I'm super tempted to put her on speakerphone so that my neighbors can witness the entire reality show. Not just think I'm a complete asshole. Like I just fucking moved in and already it's like... fuck. AAAGHGHHHH.

My depression was at an all time high before this. It's been escalating super rapidly. I've been very open about this. And this is the second brutal beating in 3 days. I had one day of recovery. ONE GODDAMN DAY. And now. I feel like I've been up for a week straight. I've gotten one good night's rest in 2 fucking weeks. I feel like Christian Bale in The Machinist. I mean that. The skin on my face feels... tight and clammy. My cheeks feel sunken. My posture is like bullets are flying over my head at all times. I have bags under my eyes. I am constantly tense and in pain at all times.

So I reached out at 11PM, I called. Stupid, but I wanted to communicate clearly. I left a message. "Congratulations, you broke me. I need a list of all of my accounts that are in your name by 4PM tomorrow." I can't be the monk anymore. I'm too weak. I'm not going to lash out. I'm not going to explode. But I'm not hiding the fucking truth anymore. My will was broken today. Over a fucking wifi password. OVER A FUCKING WIFI PASSWORD. AND THE PASSWORD WAS FUCKING PASSWORD, OKAY?!?! AAGGGHHH. I am fucking human just like all of you, I have feelings too, very very strong ones. And this is the extent of how much I'm willing to express this one. Suffering and anger swirling together because my ability to live my life is being blockaded by a control freak who constantly shames me for not "being independent". I'm broken. And having a moment of weakness. But even in that moment, I have the clarity to know exactly what I need to fucking do. I need to be free. I. Need. To. Be. Free.

No more punishment because I didn't phrase things the way they wanted. No more looming threats. No more dangling friendship, bonding, affection, and social support... and making me pay prices like this and come out with less than I started. No more weaponizing my own mental health struggles against me. The only reason I dealt with this today was because that account is not in my name, I cannot legally access it and I don't even know where to start with getting legal counsel. I even tried to get the account changed to my phone number so I can change the billing info myself and access the router, talked to some dude in fucking India to get it set up and they didn't do it. I've already had my power, heat and cable shut off from missed bill payments and shit at my old place because of this "help" and "support" I'm getting. Just because I've never done this before and I have executive functioning struggles doesn't mean this is a guaranteed failure if I take these responsibilities on. It's scary as fuck to take on so much shit I've never done when I'm like... on the edge and super overwhelmed already, but I have to. Because paying this price?! Paying this price, I'm gonna be dead before I hit 50.

I'm not even leaving the house! The primate graphic novel idea was a great inspiration, but also a really great therapeutic tool, and I had a vision come to me yesterday of primate Me cowering inside the door and a bunch of gigantic beasts gnashing their teeth outside. Guess what? They ain't outside. They're in my phone. They're in my eardrums. They're crawling into my mind. Almost every single day. I can lock my doors, I can barricade the windows. And they still get in. Because I welcome them in. Because I, from the bottom of my soul, with every ounce of optimism I have, try to keep faith that people are redeemable. That they can change. And I give so fucking much of myself, my entire life, to support that effort. And I just get shit on for it.

So, fuck it. I gave it 3 years of trying. GG. Call me when you find God.

I found myself having a very dark thought earlier, and I want to be completely honest about it so I can not just shrug it off. So I can process it and move forward with it in mind. My cat is going to be 17 in about 2 months. She has osteoarthritis, hypothyroidism and kidney disease. She's a scrappy motherfucker, she always has been, but I'm afraid she may not have much time left. My dog is already dead, she died in July. I have no friends. You know what they say, "you can tell who your real friends are when the chips are down"? Yeah. Sad, but true. I have no family. Not really. My father was never a father. My brother flipped out on me because I asked him if he wanted to make music with me, and if he wanted a free art lesson while my landlords came over to inspect my house, to get my mind off shit, to distract me. My other brother hasn't had a real conversation with me since early high school, and communicates with me extremely rarely through his extroverted wife. That's all I got folks. So... my cat is really all I have left. Because I have to really strongly consider that my mom cannot actually stop herself from crippling me.

So what happens when my cat dies? All I will have is my art, my writing and my music. And without financial support from my parents, I'm pretty damn sure that's going down the drain too. No way I'm paying these bills on that kind of salary. So... yeah. That might be curtains. I mean. What kind of life is it really if I can't be myself? If I can't fulfill my purpose? How is that living? In this life, yes, I suffer greatly. Regularly. Likely shaving years off of my life. But at least I get to pursue my passions. When I'm not just perpetually recovering from the last brutal emotional beating. With the world the way it is now, with no connections in any field, not even any contacts... I don't see it happening. I see myself working somewhere, anywhere that I can. Just to get money. Just to keep food in the cupboards that are already bare. Just to keep a roof over my head. I will not be living. I will be surviving. And I honestly don't really know if that's a life I want to live, to be honest. I can't live a fulfilling life, I cannot fulfill my life's purpose, if I am merely surviving. The gifts that I have can not function when I am in survival mode. Ask Rimworld, they added it as an an actual game mechanic. Inspiration comes when good mood is sustained. Mental break comes when bad mood is sustained. Two sides of the same coin. I will be reduced to a miserable laborer, grinding the days away until I find the sweet release of death. And that's not a life, that's not living. So, I'm keeping that in mind.

This is insanely dark. I want to apologize, I feel compelled to. But I'm tired of apologizing for my own pain. I just need to get my pain out a bit, because I currently don't have any other coping mechanisms besides distraction and yoga, and I'm sore. Weed will make this worse, I've thought it over a dozen times and I really believe that right now. Drinking is not available, but I'm starting to strongly consider it. Prescriptions are not a thing for at least a month. Cigarettes have been dangling in my peripheral view for days now, I can hear their siren's song every day. "We can solve all your problems, my dear." For a price.

So, this is where my stress has to go.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know if I can sleep. It's 3:30 again, I'm exhausted, but I'm fucking terrified. And just... wounded.

But hey. At least I broke down some of those pesky cardboard boxes, huh? I'm sure cleaning my house will make shit right as fucking rain.

I've tried so hard to be a beam of pure light for as many others around me as I can be. And that light is a barely flickering ember right now. Even Jedi have their limits.

[frogsandfries]

Part two

We get back in and I decide I'm bored, I ask my friend for the beads he just bought, and a pattern. I'm going to try this kandi mask thing. It took forever to break it down to a technique that would help me get started, but I'm still hoping there's a magic shortcut. Once I finally figured it out, though, it was kind of nice. It was pony beads, not seed beads, but it was good to figure something out.

Later that evening, our host wants to finish this anime. My friend and I are drinking and I agree. He tells me there are two videos, then one that's two hours, one that's half an hour, and one that's five minutes. I'm flagging by the end of the two videos and just want to be fucking done with this series. I want him to leave me the fuck alone about it. Contrary to what my friend wanted, I simply can't bond with this guy. He's just........ frustrating and irritating and--arrrrggggghhhh STUPID. He acts like a fucking jackass any time I express interest in something nerdy, and it just kind of makes me feel fucking stupid. Then, he's like, so entrenched in just a certain way that anything he's obsessed with, there's no possible way I could've gotten in at the ground level, so I'm just floundering, which doesn't stimulate my curiosity. It actually makes me shut down and resist being interested.

So I watch the two hour video and my friend leaves to make the promised call to his girlfriend, leaving me vulnerable to whatever his buddy wants. I watch the half hour video, and then he wants to show me like, a fan music video. Okay, I watch/listen, get up to tidy a little before sleep, I'm done.

He starts another video. No problem. I just want to send one last message to a friend and I'm done.

As I'm texting.......I notice this guy on the other side of the couch, licking his teeth like a dog baring its teeth and I'm just like, what....... the fuck..... I told him, I was down late, up early today. You told me a two hour, a half hour and a five minute. This is extra.

He got pissy because that last video was the actual five minute video. Dude, no that's not how this works. You stick to the program, or I'm out, it's well fucking past midnight. So I try to go to sleep and he's back to playing fucking Nier: Automata. Like, fine whatever. Whatever.

Apparently he went for two walks because he was so mad.

Then my friend is back from his walk/phone call and we briefly discuss how I pissed off our host (really, not difficult, and I've been a really accommodating guest) and then my friend is telling me how his girlfriend got some more tests done today and she was freaking out about not having a kid and freaking out about me potentially being a surrogate.

Ever since I learned about my own father's struggles to support his kids, and the daily struggles of men that women don't really see, I've made it a part of my practice of feminism to be more dad and male inclusive.

Her telling him how to use his genetic material just seemed a little....... going too far. It would be cheaper to use a willing surrogate than to pay for one. Plus, my friend really wants to share his heritage with his child. It's one of the few things he's seriously proud of. It bothered me.

So then he's trying to have a censored conversation with me until his friend wants to go to sleep. The secret I've been trying so goddamned hard to just keep to myself came spilling out of my mouth the second we stepped outside to talk. How I did have what I thought was just a crush, and it was till I got here and I just wanted it to be because I'm bored and lonely and don't have a job. He asked what the feelings are doing, going away or getting stronger....... He explained that he didn't want to suggest or do anything if we weren't on the same page.

A few other points we touched on were how I've bent over backward to respect his girlfriend and she's been cruel and cutthroat to me, how I was here first, and he can't just up and leave her, but he lost an uncle who cared himself to death trying to take care of his wife. I almost broke down again at the thought of losing my best friend again, but who wouldn't?

He's afraid this is because he's been pretty isolated himself, or that we won't be compatible. I'm afraid when his girlfriend gets here--which was a couple months and then a couple weeks and now it's a couple months again--they'll mend their relationship. He's concerned that he'll make the wrong choice and we'll all end up living together and all hating each other.

Finally, we came inside because it was frigid outside and continued talking while he tackled a beer, upset our already-grouchy host, and ended up with my head on his shoulder, his arm around me, until he fell asleep. I told him to lay down, and he basically went right back to sleep while I laid there for five hours, so wound up, I barely slept. After five hours, I gave up, turned my Wi-Fi back on and messaged a friend, took a shower, wrote this and am trying to go back to sleep.

I. Am. Going. To crash so hard, when I finally do get back to sleep.

Stay tuned for my conclusion.