#i'm gonna cry again i didn't have it in me at all DURING the session sob

[storywriter007]

can you do a “fighting for the first time” preference/headcannons with the HoO boys ? i love ur work!!

Fighting for the First Time - HoO Boys x Fem!Reader

author's note: thank you for the request!! and i'm so glad you like my work, this literally made my day. this is what i feel like first fights (non-quest related) would go but add your ideas in the comments!!

genre: angst ending in fluff

word count: 1.5k but it's all in bullet points

-> heroes of olympus masterlist

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send me requests here! (these are my guidelines)

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percy jackson

the first time you guys seriously fight, it goes one of two ways

either a.) he doesn't care about who's right and just wants things to go back to normal or b.) he thinks he's right

option a is the preferred option

he tries to talk to you, finding you whenever and wherever

he refuses to leave until the problem is sorted out

and he is upset the entire duration of the fight

he apologizes for anything

"i'm sorry if i did anything at all to hurt you" kind of apology

option a fights would be over things like unintentionally hurting each-other

like accidentally saying something mean or sparring too roughly with each-other

or it would be over his reckless behavior

in which he understands why it worries you

this first fight wouldn't last long

maybe a day before you guys are all good again

option b is the worst

when he's convinced he's right, he tunes you out

not intentionally, it's just that he's too caught up in what he's feeling to properly listen to you

you guys go back and forth in circles

practically yelling at each-other

his eyes get dark and he becomes angry quickly

refuses to listen to you until things reach a tipping point

either you or him storm out and leave the other one alone for a few days and talk it out once they've cooled down

or one of you starts crying, and the anger is overshadowed by guilt and heartbreak bc of their ignorance

this fight would probably be over his loved ones

if you had pointed out a flaw about them or something they did which you didn't appreciate

or maybe just a passing comment you unintentionally made

i mean the loyalty on that man is crazy

lots of hurt feelings during this fight

and it would last a while - the most being a week

however, both fights would have a mutual apology

where both of you apologize for the things you've said and done

and you guys agree to do better in the future

you probs end up falling asleep in cabin 3 that night

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jason grace

to get in a serious fight with him, it's gotta be something big

jason is calm and level-headed

he takes a walk the first time things get heated and comes back to you with a clear mind

he talks to you calmly, treating the fight more like a debate

don't get it wrong though: internally he's freaking out

he's lost a lot, and he doesn't want to lose you

honestly your first serious fight with him would be over reckless behavior (on your end) or him being walked over

your first serious fight spawns from how deeply you two care for each-other

either he's mad you don't care about yourself and doesn't know how to tell you calmly bc you don't listen

or you're mad that he's ready to die for gods and kids who don't care about him in the least

you guys only fight about these things because light-hearted conversations don't send the message

jason, especially, stays stern during the fight

you wonder if he even cares tbh

but then you notice how he pauses and searches for words, how his lip twitches when you say something snappy, and the look in his eyes

he barely raises his voice, and only does it when you interrupt him constantly

the first fight would end within a day

it would end with revealing why you are reckless or why he is so selfless

it would be a calm, vulnerable conversation

would probs end in a make-out session bc he was so afraid he was gonna lose you

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leo valdez

i'm going to be so real rn: the fight starts because he's feeling inferior

he loves you sm and he considers himself lucky to have you

but bc of that - his feeling of inferiority would be on the back of his mind

he's not really jealous, but more-so afraid you're going to leave him at the drop of a hat like how everyone else has

so he gets upset if you're spending too much time around any other guy

the book series repeatedly talks about leo's insecurities and how he feels like he's not good enough and how he feels everything is his fault

insecurity runs deep and it would most definitely be a reason for a fight

you guys do raise your voices bc at first you're not understanding each-other

you think he's jealous and he thinks you don't want to be with him anymore

after you guys are done with your screaming match, leo would coop up wherever his machines are

he would stay there for a long time and think

he 100% is over analyzing every single thing you said to him

he's convinced you guys are going to break up and you're going to leave him

and he deserves it because it's his fault for starting the argument

even though he isn't jealous or thinks you're a cheater, he just let his insecurities get the best of him

and he feels like it's over for you two

he doubts himself; wondering if he should even try to talk to you or just let what he believes is the inevitable happen

so he doesn't even try to apologize

he is convinced it is all his fault

overworks himself in an attempt to distract himself from all of his terrible thoughts

you, on the other hand, have your time alone and want to talk to him

it's nighttime and he's nowhere to be found

you go to his little lab and voila, there he is

his eyes are red and sunken and his hands are shaky and dirty

you don't say anything, you just hug him

he breaks down and tells you why he was actually mad

he profusely apologizes and doesn't blame you if you want to break up

you explain to him that you are with him because you love him and that one little fight would never make you leave him

you reassure him that he is more than enough

this fight doesn't last more than a day or maybe two

the fight would end with a really intense kiss

and you would probably spend the rest of the night with him in his little work area

you'd watch movies, make jokes, laugh a lot, and company him while he manically works on something

that something is metal flowers as an apology for acting the way he did

it's his way of saying "we're stuck together and i love you :)"

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frank zhang

it's difficult to get into a serious fight with frank

but if you do, it would be over reckless behavior (on your end, c'mon y/n) or his own insecurity

your reckless behavior specifically with fire

frank and fire do not get along - it's well known

he literally can't stand you doing something dangerous in general

but with fire, it's even worse

he's convinced something terrible is going to happen and he lashes out at you bc of his previous experiences with fire

this fight would be short-lived though, bc you would understand why he feels that way

you'd apologize to him and he would apologize for lashing out

you'd agree to stop joking around with fire, but you'd convince him to start getting over his fear

this first fight actually ends up more helpful in the long run as frank slowly overcomes his fear of fire with you by his side

however, if it's his own insecurities, this would go another way

as mentioned, frank has been bullied

and he repeatedly feels like an outcast because he doesn't have dyslexia/adhd, he's an archer but he's a mars kid, and his life depends on a piece of firewood

your fight would start bc he felt left out with you

but it's just him overthinking

(if you use a sword) it's you sparring with jason or percy for practice

and it kinda makes him feel like "i want to help my gf but she needs someone who's actually good"

if you hang out with another mars kid for too long

makes him think "what i should be"

if you made a jab at him that he took a little too seriously

frank is a gentle giant, so he wouldn't yell in the least

you guys would argue and he'd be lost for words, kind of stuttering and repeating himself a lot

he'd just kinda walk off during an argument

this would make you mad bc he started the thing and doesn't want to listen to you

but really, he just wants to talk to you when it's not so heated

you'd go hide in your cabin/room

frank would be walking around and comes to the realization that walking out on your argument was a douchebag move

he shapeshifts into like a rat or a bug or something to go see you in your cabin and make sure you're not hurt

you'd see some random animal in your cabin and you get freaked out

he turn back into himself and apologizes for being rash

he'd be honest and tell you that he was just overthinking things and that he just got in his own head

you accept his apology and tell him to communicate better

to tell you if he feels left out or if he doesn't think something is funny, and to tell you that's he's leaving the argument bc he wants to think abt it

this fight is over by sundown

and you spend the rest of the evening practicing archery with him

[hugjakee]

18+ JISUNG “CUDDLE SESSIONS”

[male reader. mentions of readers genitalia]

Minors dni. Im serious. If explicit content makes you uncomfortable plz do not read.

Jisung as a top dom/ during "cuddle sessions"

He loves to pull you from your waist and nuzzle his face in between your neck and shoulder. While he just toys with you. Touching you all over.

"Ji—sung..." you cried out.

"Your body, so numb from the feeling of his hands trailing to your already hard and sensitive nipples."

He loves the sight of the lewd faces you make, while he flicks and twists your nubs. It makes his ego loom crazy.

"You know, if only you listened to me...you wouldn't have to be in the position you are right now, but, because you're such a brat, you deserve this...no begging out of it now." You heard the smirk that was painted on his lips, upon his words.

This just made everything much more intense.

"You wanted more...You desperately grinded yourself against Jisung, but just as you made your sudden movements, he roughly gripped your hips."

Whenever Jisung does something like this, he's always so eager to just fuck you over. Break you.

That's always his ultimate goal until you can't form coherent sentences and just cling to him, crying into his ears and whining.

"Y/n—oh you already came... I didn't even touch you—heh, and I didn't permit you to cum yet. You are a Slut."

—

This sudden cuddle session, if you even call it that, soon turned into him, pressing your hand into the pillow while he pounds into your red swollen hole.

"fuck, y/n, you're so tight— fuck you're clenching, s-so hard.."

The feeling building up in the pit of your stomach was all too familiar, your legs couldn't keep up with the fast pace and the weight of your body. You were falling limp under Jisung. You were exhausted after cumming for the third time.

"jisung...w—wait! I'm gonna cum again—slower! Ugh!" "Keep up baby, I'm not done with you yet."

Jisung is a top sub/ during "cuddle sessions"

You were relaxed when you had the other on top of you. It was always the comfort of him being so close to you, that made you feel secure.

It was an intimate and emotional moment between the two, always. No words had to be said, just the feeling of being together brought the feeling of security and contentment.

But those moments never stopped Jisung with the feelings he felt..couldn't keep, those feelings in...

It was always a certain type of pleasure every time you guys had such an intimate moment together. And the feeling of wanting to continue that pleasure was unbearable. Every chance he got, he took it.

"Y/n, please I need you right now.."

Jisung always looked at you with such a desperate expression, eyebrows furrowed and flushed cheeks. Sweat beads dripped from his eyebrows, chest heaved up and down, almost as if he was out of breath.

A visible tent in the crotch area of his pants.

"Please? Can I..?" Jisung hovered over you with a desperate look. You couldn't back down. This led to Jisung grinding on you, whilst he moaned your name.

Moving your hands up his body, under his shirt, hold his lower back to help guide him.

"Baby, come on take these off." You groaned out. you'd admit, you were always desperately wanting him, one way or another.

His dick was covered in his slickness, and the pre cum coated his fiery red tip. "Here—help me take mine off."

—

"Ahhh y-y/n! Fuck, rig—there!" Jisung straddles your lap while you thrust upwards. You had your hands placed on his waist, helping him hold his position while he fucked himself on you.

You felt him trembling, you knew how close he was. Speeding up the thrusting, all you could think about was the pleasure you get out of overstimulating Jisung. And how satisfying it was, especially after jerking him off while fucking him.

"AH! y—y/n, nu-no! Too much.." he could barely form clear sentences, his eyes shut, bottom lip caught in between his teeth, subsiding his moans.

Just in a mere moment, his load shoots out, landing on your chest.

—

"Sungie, did I go too hard?" Jisung disagreed with a small "nuh uh".

You love the sight of his sleepy face after sex, it was the cutest thing ever. And all you could do at that moment was be as gentle as possible with him.

[l8rs-gat0rs]

Hi, I have an Eva request!

So she was giving reader her first "therapy" session and when asking what her biggest secret she's hiding is, reader is like "the fact i really wish you'd go down on me" 😫🙌🏽

Secret Thoughts

Pairing: Eva x bisexual!reader

ANOOOOOON. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS REQUEST. I literally can't thank you enough holy shit. I hope you enjoy this :) also shout out to my fellow bisexuals (as well as all the other gays who happen to be attracted to women😌)

Warning(s): smut ofc, this is basically straight porn. y/n use.

Summary: During one of your sessions with Eva, you can't help but spill a secret you didn't think you would. Eva is thrilled to hear it and decides to fulfill your request.

Word count: 1.9k

~~~~~~18+ MINORS DNI~~~~~~

"Ah you came! Come sit down" Eva hugged you before moving to close the doors behind you.

You sat down on the chair that was facing Eva’s and you looked at her, nervous as she sat down.

She wasn't very far away if you were being honest, your leg bounced rapidly as you suppressed the thoughts coming through your head.

She watched you with her piercing blue eyes and a small smirk played at her lips, making you want to shrink into your chair but instead you glanced away, unable to keep eye contact.

"So" you cleared your throat.

"Is this like...therapy?" You asked, glancing back at her.

She let out a small chuckle before answering,

"No, think of this as a bonding experience for the two of us, which should be easy, considering how drawn I feel to you" her slightly hooded eyes seemed to drop down to your lips and you suddenly felt butterflies erupt in your stomach

"Alright, so here's how this is gonna work," Eva started as her eyes shot back up to yours, startling you.

"I'm going to snap, and every time I snap, you're going to say your name. Think of it as a grounding point. And we're going to keep building on that grounding point, so it can be strong. Like you." her eyes dropped to your hands and she brushed her fingertips along them.

you nodded doltishly and she pulled her hand, along with her body, away from yours.

You would be lying if you said you didn’t miss the contact already.

Eva leaned back in her chair and snapped her fingers.

"What's your name?"

"y/n"

"So y/n, let's start with something simple, why are you here with us?" Eva asked with a low voice.

"As embarrassing as it is, you found me crying on the sidewalk after my boyfriend broke up with me and kicked me out," you said sheepishly.

Her smile slightly faded at the mention of your ex-boyfriend.

"Yeah, I remember."

"Why did he break up with you?"

"Well, he said there was 'someone else'." You did air quotes.

Eva's frown deepened before she went back to a neutral expression and snapped her fingers.

"Name"

"Y/n"

"Have you ever been with anyone other than your ex?"

Curiosity glistened in Eva's eyes as she waited for you to respond.

"Mmm, yeah, there was a girl," you started, watching Eva's face for any reactions.

A smile pulled at her lips and you felt your insides melt.

"We dated for a while but it didn't end up working out, even so, our relationship was better than Derrick and me. I'm thinking of going full lesbian after him." You stated truthfully.

Her eyebrows raised at your confession and she unfolded her hands, bringing her chair a bit forward and closer to you so your knees were almost touching.

You suddenly felt very aware, and you sat up as she settled in her chair, watching-

-No,

Analyzing- you.

You felt your breath Hitch as her eyes slowly seemed to be undressing you.

When her eyes met yours once again, you clenched your jaw, trying to keep your mouth from saying anything crazy, but the weird thing was, you felt like telling Eva everything for some reason.

You were jerked from your thoughts when you heard a snap.

"Name."

Eva's voice was now seemingly lower and a bit husky.

Fire burned through your veins as you opened your mouth to answer her prompt.

"Y/n"

Eva leaned in towards you, you felt yourself slightly go forward as well.

"What's your biggest secret?" She looked at you through hooded eyes, darting between both of yours before they settled on your lips.

She licked her own lips before letting her teeth drag against her lower lip.

It felt like she was torturing you.

The smell of her perfume seemed to surround you and occlude all of your senses, causing your thoughts to be surrounded by haze.

You felt hypnotized by her.

"My biggest secret is I want you to go down on me so bad right now" you breathed out.

Your eyes widened at your own words as soon as they left your mouth. Eva smirked.

"Yeah?" She simply asked.

You felt a jolt in your stomach, you couldn't even explain the hold this woman had over you if you tried.

"Yeah" you simply stated.

"Well, why didn't you tell me baby?" She said, chuckling lowly, her eyes dropped down to her hand as she ran it up your thigh slowly.

You stared at her with your mouth hanging open and her eyes met yours once again.

"Answer me."

"I-I don't know" you said, your chest starting to rise and fall quicker as she used her other hand to slip up your shirt.

"Well I'm glad it's not a secret anymore" she leaned in closer and ghosted her lips over yours

"Eva" you whined.

"Can I tell you a secret?" She asked.

"Yes"

"I've been wanting to hear my name come from your pretty little lips like that since the day I first saw you" she said huskily.

You moaned before smashing your lips into hers.

You felt her hand slip under your bra as she ran her thumb over your hardened nipple.

You moaned into her mouth causing her to chuckle darkly.

"God you're so sexy" you groaned "I want you so bad" and she captured your lips in another heated kiss.

She pulled away from the kiss, taking her hand out from under your shirt before resting her forehead against yours as the two of you panted heavily.

You were surprised as she got up and pushed her chair back. She sat down on her knees, looking up at you.

You could cum at the sight alone.

She spread your legs open and slotted herself in between them, you felt your heart speed up.

She bit her lip and hooked her finger in the waistband of your loose sweatpants.

You lifted your hips up to let her remove them, almost moaning at the sight of how hungry she looked staring at your soaked lace underwear.

"God look at you, so wet for me already that you've ruined your panties" she moaned, licking her lips.

You spread your legs wider, your back slightly arched in the chair as you moaned for her desperately.

"Eva please, I need you" you gasped.

"You're so good for me, keep moaning my name like that" Eva groaned, bending down between your legs.

She pressed her tongue against your clothed center causing pleasure to explode low in your stomach.

Your hand shot into her hair and you grabbed it, pushing her tongue harder against you.

You felt her laugh, which vibrated through your body, causing you to shiver.

She wrapped her mouth around your clit through the thin lace and you moaned loudly as she sucked on it.

"Eva, please holy shit, take them off" you moaned feverishly.

"So impatient angel" she chuckled as she hooked her delicate fingers in the waistband of your underwear, pulling them down when you lifted your hips.

Eva reveled in the sight before her, licking her lips and groaning.

She pulled your hips forward and then held your thighs open as she went back in between your legs to taste you fully this time.

Your jaw dropped open as soon as her tongue made contact and you felt her moan vibrate through your whole body.

She licked your slit up to your clit before pulling back.

You felt your stomach burn with fire as you watched her sit back onto her knees, her hands still on your thighs.

Eva's eyes were closed as she took in the taste of you.

When she opened them her dark blue eyes looked up at you causing you to let out a whine.

"God, you taste so good baby" Eva groaned, licking her lips.

You moaned loudly, bucking your hips towards her.

"Don't worry angel, I haven't had of you enough yet" she smirked before moving in between my thighs again.

You let out a languid moan feeling your walls clench, pumping out more wetness that Eva happily lapped up with a flat tongue against your core.

Your hand made its way into her hair once again as she stuck her tongue inside you.

"Holy fucking shit" you moaned out, chest heaving as Eva ate you out like she was starving.

She moaned into your core as she felt your walls clench.

The room was filled with obscene wet noises harmonizing with both of your moans.

You bucked your hips into her face when her nose brushed against your clit.

As you peeled your eyes away from Eva in between your legs you noticed her hand moving slightly.

"Oh- my God, Eva are you touching yourself?" Her eyes opened as she looked up at you, but didn't stop the rapid movements of her tongue against you.

You saw her hand speed up as her eyebrows furrowed.

"Oh, you're fingering yourself" you gasped out.

Her eyes closed again as she let out a moan against you causing your stomach to tighten as you shuddered.

"Fuck you're so hot" you panted rapidly "I think I'm gonna cum."

She took her mouth away from your soaked center and looked up at you, her lips and nose glistening with your wetness. It was a filthy sight.

"I'm gonna cum too" she moved her hand inside her pants at a now, medium pace.

Before you could say anything, she took her hand out of her pants, her wetness still coating her fingers, she pushed them inside you and separated them, causing you to feel a wonderful stretch.

"Oh fuck fuck fuck" you groaned as Eva watched your core, your walls squeezing her fingers.

She snaked her other hand into her pants once again.

Her eyes met yours and she started pushing her fingers inside you at the same pace as hers.

"Don't cum until I say so" she moaned breathily.

"Yes" you choked out.

She added a third finger inside of you and your chest tightened once again, waves of pleasure taking over your body.

"Eva" you moaned out her name, signaling your release was close.

"Come on baby, hold it in, I'm almost there" she husked out.

Your chest rose and fell rapidly and you gripped onto the back of the chair, throwing your head back as you moaned loudly.

She was knuckles deep in you, thrusting her fingers faster, and the feeling was sending you to heaven.

"Alright, you can cum for me angel" Eva groaned.

You arched off the seat and your eyes rolled back as your legs shook with the power of your orgasm.

Eva let out a languid moan, reaching her climax at the same time.

She took her fingers out of both of you before watching your cum spill out causing her to let out an almost pornographic moan.

She sat back on her legs as she huffed, catching her breath and waiting for you to come down as well.

"So, how do you feel?" She breathed out as you looked back down at her.

"What do you mean? I feel so good, that was amazing" your eyes widened.

She giggled a little before elaborating.

"No silly, I mean do you feel connected to me now that we've cum together?" She raised her eyebrows.

"Ohhhh!" You nodded,

"Yeah I guess I do"  almost losing your train of thought as you watched her stick the fingers that were just inside you, into her mouth.

She removed them with an audible pop.

"How about we revisit this thought next session?" She smirked up at you.

[pablitogavii]

Misunderstanding

Summary: You and Pablo have ben going out on dates when a false rumor made you doubt yourself and shut him out...until he finally gets to confess his feelings.

Pairing: Pablo Gavi x Reader

Warnings: slight angst/ smutty themes/ fluffy ending

You met Pablo at one of the after parties through shared friends, and since you guys started talking you fell madly in love with the Barça golden boy.

He was so caring and knew just how to make you feel like the only girl in his word. Everything seemed to be perfect unless a particular rumor sparked your interest.

fútbol.gossip.

Barça Golden Boy, Pablo Gavi, caught with his new girlfriend, young influencer and model, Jessica Sin. What are your thoughts on this newest football couple???

After reading that title and looking at that picture for what felt like eternity, you shut off your phone feeling tears fall down your cheeks.

"Was he really pretending this whole time!?" you said out loud to yourself in utter disbelief.

After reading the rest of story which claims they only started dating a few weeks ago, you remembered that Pablo told you he will be a little distant due to preparation for El Copa del Rey. Yeah, right! He was probably fucking her during that exact time!

"I'm so stupid! Díos!" you said in defeat getting your backpack and packing some of your clothes you kept at Pablo's apartment leaving before he came back.

You weren't even gonna tell him 'goodbye'. He didn't deserve any sympathy from you after this!

When Pablo came home, completely exhausted from yet another all day training session, he was surprised that you were not waiting for him.

Last time the two of you texted, you made a plan to do dinner and a movie at his apartment and he was planning on begging you for a sleepover as well...after so many busy days, he just missed spending time with his girl.

He took his phone to text you.

pablo: why are you not here bombón?? don't tell me you forgot about our date :(( Read 10:30pm

Pablo finished his shower, putting on some grey sweatpants before taking his phone and raising his eyebrows after seeing that you just left him on read.

His first instinct is that something must have came up and you couldn't talk right now. He trusted you enough to give you space and wait for your call.

The next morning, you didn't even have the strength to get up and go to school from crying all night thinking to yourself how impossible getting over Pablo is going to be...he was your first real love...first time you thought you found someone you wanted to build a life together.

But of course he wanted a model and an influencer! It should have been strange to you that he ever showed interest to such a normal and boring college girl.

Pablo woke up late cause he had a day off from training expecting to see a message from you pop on his phone but there was nothing. Just his read message from last night...he was starting to get worried so he decided to text you again.

pablo: amor, is everything okay? pls answer me, I'm starting to get worried. Read 11:12pm

You read the text tossing your phone away as more tears escaped your tired eyes. Was he really acting like nothing happened!?

Seeing that again just read his message, Pablo was seriously freaking out at this point. Did he do something? Were you mad at him? A call from Pedri interrupted his thought process.

"Hermano, have you heard of the gossip yet?" Pedri said and Pablo rolled his eyes never being the one to care much for fake internet drama.

"Pedri, I really don't care which Kardashian cheated on her husband this time! I can't reach Y/N. She is mad at me and I don't know why!" Pablo said irritated.

"I know why she is mad! It's because the gossip is about you cabrón!" Pedri said sending Pablo the link to the exact story you read yesterday night.

"Mierda!" Pablo said now realizing what had happened last night.

Of course the story was bullshit and Pablo felt horrible that you had to deal with it but that's part of his career as well (unfortunately!). He needed to explain everything to you as soon as possible!

Pablo Gavi (12 missed calls)

He just wouldn't give up for hours and ever when you turned off your ringer, you just couldn't stop thinking about answering him. You wanted to hear his voice again..hell you wanted to kiss him right now..but you knew you should't. You needed to distance yourself until you get completely over him!

"Hija. There is a chico looking for you at the front door?" your mom said peeking through your bedroom door and you froze knowing exactly who it was...you couldn't face him now...no freaking way!

"Tell him I'm not home, please mamá!" you say and she waited for you to change your mind seeing how genuinely worried the boy was but after a few seconds she respected your wishes.

"Lo siento but she isn't home. Is there a message you'd like me to leave?" when Pablo heard those words from your mom, his heart broke..you didn't want to see him.

"Um..just tell her it was a misunderstanding..por favor" Pablo said before leaving stealing a glance at your bedroom window with a small hope of seeing your face but you never came.

pablo: I know you are seeing my messages, so please just give me a chance to explain to you what happened. none of it is true, mi amor. i don't even know who that girl is, I promise you. I never had someone in my life like this, someone so genuine and kind. I can't function without you mi vida, please just come back to me and we will talk about everything. i love you so much <3

Reading that message you were crying ugly tears. You didn't know what to believe anymore...everyone online kept saying Pablo will end up with a model...the girl from the picture fits him perfectly..she isn't average like you...but Pablo's words were always genuine and you began wondering if you should have given him a chance to explain himself before jumping to conclusions.

"He's sitting in front of our house...waiting for you..and he said it was a misunderstanding? I don't know what's going on hija, but the boy seemed sincero..maybe give him a chance?" you mom said and you smiled wiping away your tears before peeking through a window seeing Pablo sitting on the edge of the road looking straight at you.

When Pablo met your eyes he got up moving across the street and standing underneath your window..it was corny but he didn't care when it came to you.

You gulped opening your window slowly looking down at those warm eyes you fell deeply in love with.

"I wanna be only with you...nobody else. Please let me explain bombón" Pablo spoke first and you felt your heart tighten at the familiar nickname.

"Bueno..we can talk..but that's all" you say and he nodded waiting for you happy that you were still giving him a chance which he fully intended to take.

"We should go somewhere private?" Pablo suggested and you nodded letting him drive you to his place although you were still keeping your guard up.

The drive was quiet for awhile...it was a little awkward because you both obviously wanted to hold hands like you always would but kept your distance instead.

"You look beautiful amor... com siempre" Pablo needed to break the silence and you just took the compliment blushing a little in response.

When you arrived he opened your door and led you inside while making sure to give you enough space so that you are not uncomfortable by his presence.

The moment you both sat down on the couch he began talking.

"None of it is true. I was signing some stuff for the fans and she asked for a picture, that's all. I haven't even asked for her name...and I would never betray your trust like that. Amor, I love you...like this isn't just a crush for me anymore" Pablo opened up and hearing those words leave his lips made something in your melt.

"Pablo..I'm scared...I don't want to get hurt" you admit deep down knowing that even if this wasn't true, you were way too "normal" for someone like him..he deserved more.

"I would never hurt you...I would rather beat myself every single day than do something to bring you pain mi vida...you have to believe me please..I don't know her.." he felt his eyes fill with tears as he came down on his knees besides you holding your hand and kissing them repeatedly.

"I believe you Pablo..but this happened because I know I'm not for you..I'm not a model or an influencer or someone that fits with the famous footballer..I'm just a college girl! I don't have the body or the fame!" you finally admit what's on your heart and he looks up at you as tears fall down his cheek.

"Don't you ever talk down on yourself in front of me Y/N! You are the most genuine and kind girl I have ever met in my life. You want to know something? I am the one who is lucky you chose me to be in your life. You are smart, selfless and real...unlike all those models out there, you are real mi amor..and that's precious because it became so rare" Pablo's words were making your heart tighten and tears spill down your cheeks. Never did someone say something like this you..and truly meant every word.

"And as for the body..amor..you got me weak every single time I see you..trust me on that one" Pablo added with a little smirk seeing a smile creep on your face.

"Come here.." he got up opening his arms welcomingly and you couldn't resist anymore hugging him tightly and resting your head against his strong chest listening to his sped up heartbeat.

"You're mine and now everyone knows it too..." Pablo whispered caressing your back and you were too busy listening to his heartbeat to register it right away but when you did you pulled away looking up in confusion.

"What did you do Gavira?" you asked and he chuckled taking his phone from the back pocket of his jeans and showing you his newest Instagram Post.

pablogavi

mi bombón <3 @y.n.bebe

comments:

@gavibarca @jessicasinthequeen used this story to grow followers while this girl didn't post anything...shows you who is the real one! good choice @pablogavi !!!

@gavinhofans: I knew it!! he would never date someone so superfiecial like @jessicasinthequeen liked by 10K others

@pablitoo: this is soo cute <33

@gavifan: pablo dating a normal girl is so adorable <33 she is a real one pablitooo!!

@barcafans: this just proves how fake all the gossips are!! this is real love!!!

@pablosgirl I'm sad he is taken but I'm glad it's by a normal girl! we love the queen! @y.n.bebe

"Díos mío! Tu eres tan loco!" you said reading all the loving comments his fans gave you being overjoyed that you were not a model or an influencer..you were so wrong.

"Estoy loco por ti, bombón." he answered and you put the phone away snaking your arms around his neck while kissing his lis passionately.

"I thought we are just talking and nothing else" he teased reminding you of your words while you were running your hand through his hair leaving small kissed on his face and neck.

"Shut up! I love you too...demasiado" you whisper and he rises your chin kissing your softly while grabbing your thighs remembering that there are other ways to show just how much he loves you...;))

[gyll-yee-haw]

can you write an angsty smut that obviously has a happy fluff ending (because my heart wouldn't handle if it didn't) where the reader ends up getting hurt during sex and uses their safe word? You can choose the man 🤭 I was thinking loki or Jake but it can really be any of his characters

I'm gonna be honest, idk about this one, it got... personal 😖

But I hope you like it, baby <3

Warnings: blood, mentions of a terrible ex-boyfriend (implied SA, but not described), use of safeword, lots of angst with a happy ending <3

Like 2.3k words

---

You knew David had one of those days at the station by the way he barely spoke before he was all over you.

It wasn't uncommon for him to come home from work and immediately start a make out session. Somedays he would drop to his knees and eat you out for hours. Sometimes he would rip your clothes off and manhandle you like a doll... doggie style was his favorite for this occasions.

That's where you found yourself now. It was very late and you were very tired. Still, when he walked into the room, you knew you weren't going to sleep so soon.

You didn't mind. Obviously, even when he acted like that, he always, always made sure you came. Made sure you felt really good... he didn't ignore for a second the spots he knew you liked. Pleasing you was probably the part that calmed him down the most.

But tonight you didn't really... feel like it? It was weird, David always lighted up a flame in you with the touch of his hand. And that's why you allowed him to do what he needed to do. Well... you wouldn't have to do anything, just... let him have his way, and you would get tons of pleasure from it, so why not?

You weren't sure why not... why you were not wet. Why the pain was so unbearable when he entered you. It hurt more that your first time with him.

"Ouch!" You complained.

"Sorry, baby, just..." He tried to start moving, but the friction was just... so uncomfortable. "Are you okay?"

He thought all he had to do was prepare you better. He spit on his fingers and began to stroke your clit. But God, it felt TERRIBLE.

He pulled out. Shoved two fingers inside. Your head started to spin. You were almost disgusted by it all... so overwhelmed... the room was suddenly too hot and you couldn't breath...

"RED!" You yelled.

David froze. You had agreed on a safe word very early on the relationship, since you had... a little trouble with intimacy. But it never even crossed your mind using it... you never needed it. What the hell was going on? He removed his fingers quickly, and sat you up, desperately looking for any signs of bruises on your body.

"Dave..." you called, feeling sick.

His eyes followed your gaze to the sheets under you. There was blood. Not a lot of it, but still... it triggered your most horrible memories. And David knew that.

Before you were able to give yourself completely to him, you confessed that you didn't have the best experience with intimacy during your previous relationship. Your ex just didn't know how to get you into it and you were too afraid of saying no to him most of the time, scared he wouldn't love you anymore... and all that caused you to get hurt sometimes. Bleeding was almost routine in your sexual life. But it never had happened ONCE while you were with David. He was the complete opposite from your abusive ex. He cared about your pleasure more than about his own. He never forced you to do anything. He studied every little reaction from your body, to know what you liked. And he never made you afraid to tell him how you felt. But seeing that little red stain on the mattress made you sick. No, this can't be happening again...

"Fuck, baby, I'm so sorry, hey... look at me, please..." The pain in his voice was obvious. He was thinking the same thing as you. He hated your ex more than you. When you told him about all the things he did, he wanted to kill him. And now... he was disgusted with himself.

You were numb. You didn't even want to cry. You simply disconnected from reality. You weren't sure how much time passed, but the growing desperation in David's voice indicated it was a lot.

"Talk to me, please, please, baby..." He grabbed the sheets tightly, his knuckles turning white. He wanted to grab you instead, bring you close and apologize for hours, but he wasn't sure if it was okay to touch you.

"You said..." Your voice was low and weak as you spoke. "You said this would never happen to me again."

"Angel..." Part of him was relieved that you spoke, but those were definitely the most painful words he had ever heard. "I can't tell you how fucking sorry I am."

"Want to be alone." You requested, emotionless.

"No..." He shook his head. "I can't leave you alone like this, you're not okay, baby, let me help, please..."

"Just need some time." You insisted, not looking him in the eye.

You went through so many things during these years you and David had been together. And during every single one of them, he was there to help. But how could he help now, when it was all his fault? That's all he could think of. Of course you wouldn't want him around. You're a fragile, precious flower, while he's was a violent, cruel, heartless man... he thought he could leave all that at the station everyday to come home to you, but he can't. That's who he is.

"Alright." He whispered, getting out of bed. He fixed his clothes and his first instinct was to kiss your forehead as he stood up beside you. But he couldn't do that. He felt like you would break if he touched you. And the worst part was that you felt the same way.

He walked away from the room, and you waited until he shut the door behind him to let the tears fall. You were so confused. He hurt you. Never in a million years you'd imagine that.

At the same time... it wasn't like it used to be with your ex. He stopped immediately when you asked. He didn't know... still, should he be this rough without a warning? Shouldn't he check for signs before anything? Was it fair to be the one he used to relieve his anger when you weren't the one who made him mad?

Well... it can be hot sometimes. When you are in the right mood, it's something you really enjoy... and you have a safe word for times like this, so... can you blame him? How would he know this time was different?

It was all too confusing and you had no idea how you actually felt. You didn't know what to do. You trusted David with your entire heart and you knew that he would take a bullet for you, it was obvious he didn't do it on purpose. But miscommunication is the most dangerous thing in a relationship and you can't let that happen again.

You stood up and removed the stained sheets from the bed, putting all of your anger on this task. Then you put on your clothes and sat on the floor, beside the discharged sheets. You were so mad that your past continued to haunt you. That it was affecting David, who had done nothing but help you heal. Now he wasn't there with you because of the crimes of another man.

You cried until you were exhausted, and ended up falling asleep right there on the floor.

When you opened your eyes, you were lost. You didn't remember why you were on the floor until you saw the sheets. You shivered. How much time had passed? Where was David?

You gathered all your strength to stand up and opened the bedroom door. The house was completely dark. Shit. What if he got himself in trouble somewhere? If he had left the house on the state he was earlier... he probably would.

Then you heard something. The TV. You rushed downstairs. David was asleep on the sofa. You sighed and walked towards him. Kneeling on the floor, you placed your hand softly on his face. But he was absolutely exhausted, he didn't wake up. You felt you were going to cry again. He was so beautiful... even though you hardly saw him looking this peaceful while he was awake.

You laid on top of him on the sofa, snuggling on his chest, legs intertwined with his. He still didn't wake up. It was crazy to think that man would ever hurt you... you never felt as safe as whenever you could feel him like this. You fell asleep again.

When he woke up, if it wasn't for the tears on his shirt, he would have thought it was all a nightmare and none of that actually happened. His body was tense under yours, he still wasn't very comfortable with touching you again.

"Y/N..." He called, hands slowly caressing your arms, trying to wake you up as gently as possible.

You opened your eyes, but it was quite hard to adjust... they were swollen from crying so much.

"Dave." You said, sitting up. He followed your movements, sitting beside you. "Dave, listen... I'm so sorry, I..."

"Don't you dare." He interrupted. "Don't you dare apologize."

"I overreacted." You insisted.

"No, you didn't." He took a deep breath. "I fucking hurt you. Could have been a lot worse."

"But it wasn't." You furrowed your eyebrows. "We have a safe word. I used it and... that's it, it's okay now. It didn't end up badly."

"How can you say it didn't end up badly?" He shook his head. "It ended up with you fucking bleeding and crying. Fuck, I'll never be able to get out of my head that look in your eyes... fucking scared of me."

"I'm not scared of you. If you put that gun against my head I wouldn't be scared. I trust you." You assured him. "I just panicked... got... bad memories. That look in my eyes wasn't for you, was for my past."

"I brought it back." He reached on his pockets for his cigarettes. David never smoked inside the house, but by the way his hands were shaking, you could see he was nervous.

"Well, I..." You were desperately looking for the right words to calm him down. "If I had used the safe word earlier, this wouldn't have happened. It's not your fucking fault, David."

"Yeah? Then why didn't you?" He replied, cigarette in his mouth, looking for his lighter. "Fuck..."

"Fucking look at me." You grabbed the cigarette from his mouth and threw it on the floor.

It was the adrenaline. You didn't think before doing it. He looked at you absolutely stunned. No one dared to say a word.

"Right... I can see you're not scared." He finally broke the silence.

You started laughing. Hard. Was it that funny or was that nervousness? It didn't matter, because it put a smile on his face.

"I'm sorry... I was just trying to be heard." You shrugged.

"Well..." He went back to a more serious tone. "Then why don't you answer my question? Why didn't you tell me to stop earlier? You didn't even need to say the safe word, if you just told me 'no', I wouldn't... I wouldn't have laid a finger on you, you know that, right?"

"I do." You replied. "I really do, I swear... but I... I guess I didn't realize how I really felt until it was too late, you know? I was happy that you were home and I wanted you around... wanted you to touch me and you know I like it when you're rough, so... I was confused. It wasn't anyone's fault. Specially not yours, okay?"

"I don't know..." He looked at the cigarette on the floor. "I feel like I could have read the situation a little better, you know?"

"You stopped when I asked you to stop, that's all you could have done." You grabbed his hand, caressing it with your thumb. "Everything else that happened... could only be avoided if you changed my past."

"I could still kill him." He joked. Or at least you hoped he was joking...

"Does that change the past?" You rolled your eyes.

"No, but it would be pretty fucking satisfying." He shrugged. "You know, I don't believe in this kind of justice. I promise I never killed anyone, but... for you? I wouldn't think twice."

"Well, you don't have to." You got closer, sitting on his lap and placing both hands on each side of his face. "What really helps me get through it all is all the love you've given me. All the respect. Just how fucking much you care... nothing else is gonna fix me. The way you made me believe that I deserve to be loved and taken care of... and that there are good people out there."

"That just can't happen again, baby... I can't do it." He sent you a pleading look.

"It won't, look..." You promised him. "If I ever feel uncomfortable again, I'll tell you right away, okay?"

"Please." His voice came out so weak. "If I hurt you I will never be able to live with myself."

"You won't hurt me. That isn't you." You assured him. "You're gentle and sweet... even when you're rough, I promise I always feel safe."

"I don't think I'll ever be that rough again." His eyes widened.

"David. Don't say that." You almost whined. "I want you to!"

"Y/N..." He sighed. "Let's just... take a break from that, okay?"

"Hm." You smirked. "Okay, baby, I'm not complaining about making sweet love to my wonderful boyfriend... it's just that... when I want it rough... I'm gonna tease you until I get it. I know how to break you, you know that."

"For fucks sake... you're a fucking menace." He rubbed his face with his hands. "Where's my cigarette?"

"Come and get it..." You giggled.

[ficretus]

Gaslight masters

*during Volume 2*

Emerald: Aren't you worried about this psychological evaluation? On the account of us being...

Cinder: Oh please Emerald, this is a trivial matter. Only person who should be worried is Lionheart for not fabricating it for us.

Mercury: What's the matter Em? Afraid they are gonna dig up your mommy issues?

Emerald: Shut up Mercury. Still, what if they have some ways of digging through our psyche and...

Cinder: Emerald you are doing it again.

Emerald: Panicking?

Cinder: No. Thinking. Don't think, just repeat after me. Mask and deflect.

Emerald: Mask and deflect.

Cinder: Excellent. Do this every day and you'll be as proficient as me and Mercury in no time.

Mercury: We'll see about that.

Emerald: You are scared you'll never be able to match me.

Mercury: Not bad.

Cinder: Bravo, already making some progress.

Emerald: *smiling* Thank yo... *clears throat* Not that I care about your praise.

Cinder: Very good. Just mind your tone.

*door opens*

Ozpin: Miss Sustrai, you are next for psychological evaluation.

Emerald: Wish me luck.

Cinder: Sigh...

Mercury: It's still work in progress.

*1 hour later*

Ozpin: Now that I finished evaluating all three of you, I want to talk about something worrying with you.

Mercury: Em fucked up again, great.

Emerald: Me?!

Mercury: Who else. I wasn't the one that started crying for mommy half way through the session.

Ozpin: Oh, not Miss Sustrai. Longing for a maternal figure as an orphan is something completely normal. I wanna talk more with you Mister Black and Miss Fall. Miss Sustrai is free to go.

Cinder: Me? My interview was flawless.

Ozpin: Miss Fall, all you and Mister Black did was mask your feelings and constantly deflected.

Cinder: Oh please, vent your frustrations on your lackeys. Don't bother us.

Ozpin: I don't think so. For example, both you and Mister Black seem to have issues regarding paternal figures.

Mercury: Look whitey, just because your daddy didn't hug you doesn't mean rest of us have issues.

Ozpin: Yeah, this isn't working. I want to talk with your guardian.

Mercury: I see what this is, you wanna hook up with my mom. For shame...

Cinder: I don't see point of that.

Ozpin: But I do. Lets just say you are not leaving this room until I talk with them. Or perhaps do you want me to look into some other information, Miss Fall?

Cinder: Of course not. Here, take this number. That's our adoptive mother.

Mercury: *whispering* Are you crazy? He'll find out.

Cinder: *whispering* Relax moron. She is an expert.

Ozpin: Hello, this is Headmaster Ozpin from Beacon Academy. Is this Madam Fall-Black?

Salem: Of course not.

Ozpin: Can I speak with her?

Salem: I don't know, can you?

Ozpin: Sigh, Ma'am, are you Cinder's or Mercury's adoptive mother?

Salem: Mother? I suppose I am. How endearing.

Ozpin: I just wanna talk about their behavior. During the psychological evaluation all they did was endlessly mask their feelings and deflected everything I've said.

Salem: Oh my, how terrible. I'm so sorry you got offended.

Ozpin: This isn't about me. This is about the fact their way of communication is unhealthy.

Salem: Oh but it is about you. Always about you Ozma.

Ozpin: It's Ozpin. Look Ma'am, could you talk with them?

Salem: And tell them what? That there is a compulsive liar who gets offended by everything?

Ozpin: Ma'am, they need to be able to deal with their emotions and shortcomings. They can't mask them their entire life.

Salem: Hypocritical drivel. How did you raise your children?

Ozpin: For your information, I have a perfectly healthy relationship with my daughters!

Salem: I am sure you do. That's why only reason any of them would want to be in the same room as you is if they were comatose and on life support!

Ozpin: Wait what? Who is this?

*call ends*

Ozpin: *lights a cigarette* It's like I'm talking with my ex wife again. You two can go, can't deal with this shit anymore.

Cinder: *whispers to Mercury* Told you she still got it.

[slutforhaechan]

Pregnancy Sex with Johnny!!! Maybe during the third trimester and seeing his wife’s preggo belly with his own child in it just makes him emotional and horny so it ends in a passionate session?? I heard pregnancy sex is actually really healthy and feels awesome 🥰🥰

i'm ovulating right now PLEASEEEE

johnny loved to see you carrying his child and adores you knowing that he did that. while you were laying down on the bed johnny look up to you and get emotional as he saw you affectionate massage your bump while humming, he can't help but grinned on what he sees. he walks towards the bed and sat beside you. johnny caress your hair gently, "you're so pretty mylove, i missed you". he murmured, you melts on his touch knowing damn you miss him too, you stared at him and admire his facial features, tracing your little fingers on his nose, lips and eyes, he smiled. you pull him closer and hugged him so tightly, as you felt his body you couldn't stop sniffing his perfume through his t-shirt and it's your favorite perfume of him 'Versace Man Eau Fraiche', both of you hugged a little longer. you want to feel his body more pressing onto yours and hear his heart pulse beating for you only you, "i miss you too" you whisper on his ears. Even though johnny and you live with the same house, it really hits different when both of you had a little moments. it means a lot for him and you.

after the little moments, johnny break the silence "you know what i've been thinking about fucking you and it makes me sad that i can't bury my cock inside you because your carrying a human inside your tummy." he confessed, you laughed. god i love his filthy mouth. "my doctor said, it is okay to have sex the baby will not hurt". telling him happily made his body increase in anticipation. johnny abuses your lips with his, applying so much pressure because of the excitement, just now you felt this heat again and it's therapeutic, you really miss him. johnny breaks the kiss and glances at you "is this okay?". you nodded, he's so romantic asking concent. you took off your maternity clothe, and johnny started to knead your sentive swollen breast, and look down on it. "perfect breasts, swollen and tender all for me" you gasp as he suck your nipples, adding pleasure in your body, he ran his hands down to your soaked cunt and start to play with your clit, "oh johnny i..miss this". you moaned , body wilder on his touch. johnny is gentle touching you, he doesn't want to hurt you and doesn't want to rush. but your body is burning hot for him you want to feel him "johnny, i want you know please". as you said crying in desperation wanting him to so something. "so needy for me, you can't wait to stuffed my cock inside you". you whimpers, "ass up now baby, your gonna take me now". you did as he command, johnny leans forward to your ears while rubbing your soaked cunt, eager to feel him now "your gonna take all of me, gonna put my cum inside you all over again and your gonna TAKE.IT as i say". dominating voice expressed on you "yes johnny please, want to feel you now". crying out for him, "such a good mommy you are". johnny rubs his cock as he look at you side eyeing him "please don't tease". he chuckled and starts to grip his hard cock and slide it in your cunt, he groaned at the feeling your cunt squeezing him. "so wet and warm, i miss your tight cunt". johnny thrusted slow and steady, he can feel your cunt clenching around him "still tight even i didn't fuck you for a month, your pussy is made for me y/n. you made for me my wife". you just moaned high in pleasure, seizing the moment every thrust in you "johnny..i love you". as you said in high pitched moan "i know baby, i know. now cum with me". johnny shove his cock in and out of your cunt, slamming into you more rapidly. the room filled with your moans, skin slapping without caring who will hear. your body tense up and something builds in your stomach and it's your release coming "johnny i'm..i'm gonna cum" you beg him more than anything else. "me too baby, let's cum together". your body collapsed when your climax crashed like a truck, johnny's body jolts in high release, felling better. you turned around to face him and he's still catching his breath. he pressed kiss lips on your forehead and rubs your bump gently "sorry little human, mommy wants to feel good, are you not hurt?" he said in worried "c'mon he's not hurt, hello?? im the one who should care of". rolling your eyes on him, he laughs "alright mommy's turn" both you happily cuddled in the bed and talking about how excited johnny waiting for his child coming out.

[surpriseroundtellyourfriends]

RED STITCH LOVERS... REPORT!!!

(Thoughts on the finale below! NOT spoiler-free!)

What a fantastic finish cap to a fantastic show. You may have seen me complain about the endings to the other arcs before, but you won't see me complaining about this one. We wrapped up just about every loose thread (no pun intended), and those left dangling seem to be saved for the afterparty.

Notable highlights:

THE ISABELLE AND IAN SIBLING MOMENT... I was so happy multiple people drew it; I want to animatic it. I cheered so fuckin loud, tbh. Ian IS the shitty older brother, and Isabelle is his darling twin sister who will keep him in line, and together they will murder their Uncle Hunterpalm <3

(I am specifically referring to him comforting and teasing her while she cried into his shoulder but ALSO, what is more sibling-coded than planning how to commit a murder and hide the body together?)

Unexpectedly delightful dynamic between Cadmus and Hutch. This whole time, Cadmus has been the only party member who really HATES Hutch with a vitriol, and the animosity with Cadmus trying to steal a buff from him (albeit while saving his life) was just so good. And then Hutch using his overclass to full-restore Cadmus (WHO FINALLY GOT TO NOT DIE DURING A FIGHT) and offering to help get revenge on Vice afterwards? Really good stuff.

(And like, we NEEDED that confirmation that Vice was gonna get his just desserts. I would've thrown hands if we didn't.)

Lots of good polycule bits. "If you were hitting on me, you're gonna have to get in line. There's forms and stuff." I fucking love these science freaks.

THE GROUP HUG... even though Florence was not technically a part of it, I'm pretending she was.

On the note of Roob being gone for so long—much as I also wanted them to get back, tbh? I think it provided an EXCELLENT excuse for (non-combat-planning) roleplay. Some of the best moments likely wouldn't have happened if Roob hadn't dipped.

God bless Craigor for INSISTING they all go out and get ice cream. In my head, Craigor's vital role in the found family is that he keeps everyone sane by forcing them to indulge in small pleasures like dairy queen.

Cadmus removing Florence's stitch for her was such a good casual moment of intimacy. It's like letting someone do your makeup for you, only in a more brutal and fucked-up scenario because it's RSR. Nobody fucking look at me I love their friendship and will talk about it for ages

I actually like how Isabelle's "dry anger" finally broke into crying. It feels more in-character that she's been trying to act tough and uncaring this whole time, but really, she's just overwhelmed. I also like how it's more obvious now when she's being possessed by Venutia. HUGE "the souls of the innocent" "a bagel!" energy.

On that note: there's a moment I've always loved where Isabelle uses a Beam of Unreality and deletes several rock fans, and Connor says to Cadmus "stick with me here: there might be something more dangerous to your health here than the goddamn rock and rollers," to which Cadmus (who didn't see the beam) replies "who, Isabelle? she wouldn't hurt a fly!"

What I'm saying is, I want that moment to happen again but now with both Isabelle and Cadmus having the knowledge that she IS a monster. But they both choose to keep quiet about it. That's Cadmus's work daughter, he is not losing ANOTHER person in his life—

ISABELLE IN GENERAL WAS GREAT THIS SESSION. HER BIG SPEECH? A+. GOOD JOB, SIX, YOU GAVE A CONCLUSIVE THEME AND CAP TO THIS SHOW THAT HAD THE BALLS TO BRING UP THE QUESTIONS JELLO WOULDN'T.

Carol/Carmen in general was a really great antagonist. Sympathetic in nature, simple motivations that make sense to her character, and still a massive bitch who needs to be stopped. I don't have any brainrot over her but I felt the need to acknowledge her since, y'know, the whole series kinda hinged on her.

Congrats to that one person for getting their rat canonized

in conclusion,

RSR good

[yallemagne]

Looking back at my old Dracula posts (specifically all the text posts and the asks, though the art is great too) fills me with this odd sense of pride and... wistfulness? Because I had so many things to say. And I said them well. And it's not like I've stopped having things to say, it's just that no one really talks to me anymore. It's a weird feeling.

I guess I made it clear that I would not be participating in any substacks anymore, so people could just be keeping their distance out of respect... but that would be giving myself too much credit. I only announced that I couldn't do substacks anymore after months of loneliness because interactions were already dwindled down to near-nothing. Not showing much interest in what I was doing, not asking questions anymore. Dropping my subscriptions to all those substacks had just been me declaring to myself that I cannot be made to feel useless over this thing if I just focus on something else.

I dunno. I'm trying to get better at not internalizing the wrong shit. And I'm trying not to get upset over this again right before a therapy session bc I swear she'll start charging extra if I come to her with internet depression again.

I'm not spiraling at least! Not crying. Okay maybe a little. I did get a little teary-eyed earlier, but that was from reading very sweet asks that I received during that time. And I simply don't have that anymore! At least certainly not to the degree that I had it before. And that's sad, I can admit that that is sad, that I'm sad, and just move forward.

A while back, I tried to chase after that sense of community that I was so quickly losing. I joined a server thinking I'd find like-minded people or at least people who could tolerate those who were different-minded. Found more jerks. The few people I vibed with that I didn't already know, I never built up the rapport to message them outside of that awkward environment because I was so convinced that everyone there was already poisoned against me, that every move I made was viewed with such scrutiny...

Fooooooo anyhow now I'm like "well who gives a shit if everyone there hated me, sucks for them, I'm sexy and great" hahaha.

I really ended up typing a lot more than I initially thought I would. I thought it was just gonna be that first paragraph. And then more and more and more.

[theallenshorefangirl]

Zoe's tape fragments, just like Lucas' hers, are in fragments around her level, and a side mission dollhouse puzzle with Shadowfigures a gift from the Watcher that leads to her small room replica where she rests in Allen's house where you can find her Hidden 8-Bit track "Sorrows Forgiveness" its a purple with gold sparkles and black wax dripping design on the game device)

warning it's a sad ass tape session

Beginning Tape intro:

Desmond:Alright,miss?

Zoe:it's Zoe....*she was around 18,wore a baggy jacket similar to one of his patients(Allen),and wore black jeans and a black shirt.her shoes were half tied and tucked in her shoes,her brown hair was unbrushed like she just woke up and had bags under her eyes,her leg also bounces up and down nervously* I'm kinda new to this whole therapy thing since I moved to Milton Haven.

Desmond:Alone? *Flips through his notes* do you have a job?

Zoe:Yeah, alone....I work at Homa Mart during the day,I babysit two kids at the Nygaard's place.One is a Freddy Ruhl, and the other is their kid Maddy Nygaard,I'm just not sure I get uncomfortable when Max Nygaard comes home before his wife? Alice, I'm still learning names. *She looked like she was gonna faint, and then I worked the lighthouse shift at night when a friend of mine needs his rest.....*she started to cry* I'm so sorry.* She pulled her hood up and knees up to her chest* I'm sorry I'm sorry *she accidentally knocks his clipboard out of his hands* I'm so very sorry I'm suppost to go to the hospital for some meds,they say it's suppost to work bu.....but I...I ......I don't trust em.They say it's experimental medicine.

Desmond:it's ok. There's no harm done. How about you rest since you're my last patient of the day and when you come back we can try this again. *end of beginning session*

Fragment 1:

Desmond:So,any troubles with completing tasks like at your jobs with your tics and or anxiety and panic attacks

Zoe:See,that's the things it's hard when a clown like Dave annoys me for having trouble with the registers, and for cleaning up messes he makes, I throw a thing here or there by accident,loud noises trigger it.And Inez always gets into a fight with him for being harsh with me.And well I'm sorry for the language but he punched my friend for fuck sakes!

Desmond:Mr Shore?

Zoe:Yeah, he's like a brother to me. When he can't sleep, I read him stories of Icarus and other stories of Greek mythology characters, and I make sure his rooms oil lanter stays lit.And well to be honest he's not wrong about the men in black I've seen them take the pictures I've seen the flashing cam lights! I'm not crazy he's not crazy....YOU THINK IM CRAZY I KNOW THAT LOOK *She threw her therapeutic fox plush at him and storms out*

Desmond:Zoe, wait *sighs* You're not crazy. A similar patient said he saw those cars heading that way

Zoe:SHUT UP YOUR A LIAR LIKE ALL OTHER PEOPLE

Desmond:*he sat down in his chair,Tonia headbutts his leg,he reached down and pets her*

Fragment 2:

Desmond:Well, she should have been here by now.Where is she?

*the phone rang*

Desmond:*he picks up the phone* Hello, this is Dr Desmond Wales?

Allen:Doc,I'm worried something bad happened. There was an incident at Homa Mart.Some lady threw glass at me.I don't know what was going on.I got what I needed and left in a panic. The police were there,and the paramedics too

Desmond:I'll see if I can get ahold of her

Allen:she's probably busy.I didn't see her,she must have been staking up boxes in the back. Oh, gotta go. I need to check up on something.*he hung up*

Desmond:*he calls Zoe's phone, but she didn't answer,it was Inez.* hello?

Desmond:Inez? Why do you have Zoe's phone?

Inez:she was badly hurt.First,she banged her head on the side of a shelf, and then Dave, like the dumbass he is, triggered her to go into an anxiety panic attack.And then she passed out and we don't know what happend and then [Mentions of Virginia's incedent] causing all of us to go into a state of panic.

Desmond:where is she at now?

Inez:she's at the hospital,I was gonna drop off her stuff to the hospital, but I don't have a car, and neither does she.She takes the bus.

Desmond:I'll stop by and get her stuff,I'm gonna get Allen so we can make sure she isn't badly injured,and tell Dave I'm sorry for his loss Virginia was a good patient of mine.

Inez:will do Mr Wales *she hung up the phone

Early that day, Desmond recorded a small fragment on her tape, mentioning that the stress was so intense that she passed out along with a glass shard fragment in her arm from where she fell.

Fragment 3:[the night of Allen's Incident]

Allen tried to get Desmond on the phone but failed.

*Zoe called Desmond,She had tears streaming down her face trying not to scream or speak loudly on the phone,the men in black was searching the inside lighthouse exterior,she was hiding in the generator room for the lighthouse light.Desmond...Desmond please answer this is a emergency something bad really happened just now

Desmond:*he sounded like he just woke up* Zoe,what's up?

Zoe:It's Allen his house is on fire and I seen the men in suits and I didn't see Allen leave the house *sniffles* and I seen someone drag a body out and I think it was Allen's and then I heard a knock at the door and *she loudly sobs over the phone*

Desmond:deep breaths,stay calm. I'll come and get you

Zoe:Please do,but be careful there.....*There was a loud thud as the door burst opened,she heard their footsteps above her.They walked around the area.She heard footsteps as they opened the door to the generator room,they looked around and turned away."Desmond, please come and get me. They left, but I don't know when they will be back....please *she sniffled and hiccups*

End of tape

To find the Astronomy Dollhouse and dolls, there are a lot of em to find a total of 9 figures,1-6 is Savior,Watcher,Shade,Bull,Flash and Empty

The other 3 are her other friends Shadowforms

[whoslaurapalmer]

i really should keep a diary regularly again but i am not and i like validation so you're all fucking stuck with me!!!!!

-sometimes i am like 'this is fine!! we're fine!!!!!' and it's average! and sometimes i am like 'aaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA' because everything is still happening!!! we're fine but it's happening!!!!!!!!!!!! my mom is getting chemo and it's a thing that's for sure fucking happening in my life!!!!!!!!

-they're pretty confident that she should not be sick from it. but this is a very intense phobia of mine so that's. a thing. in my head somewhere

-it's tough when you have 1) sinus issues 2) a breathing tic that involves sniffing/big inhale/a sigh, depending on the moment 3) developed severe anxiety with breathing last year that you are painstakingly working through 4) CRY A LOT 5) are not as active as you were between anxiety and three or however many years of a pandemic it's been by now

-sometimes i literally just cry because i keep going 'you're okay!!! everything's okay!!!!'

-idk about that one chief

-i feel a lot like i am breathing too fast or not enough and need to remind myself that i can breathe but it's!!!!!!!!!!!!! hard. and i'm a lot better than i was earlier in the year but it's still. hard.

-sometimes i wake up and within like a minute all the anxiety just drops back down on top of me and i hate that a lot :(

-but i get to see an ENT on wednesday and my neurologist appointment is FINALLY next week! and hopefully. that should work out.

-i always get scared doctors won't like me or will say 'well i don't see the problem what do you want me to do' and it's not like. they've ever said that before but some doctors certainly haven't liked me and i get :(

-like!!! you don't forget when you were a kid and a doctor didn't like you or thought you were difficult. even if it was only like once or twice. you still remember. or i always do

-i miss taking not otc sinus medication bc when i was younger i didn't have big sinus problems!!!! just sinus infections twice a year but that was because. i was In School

-sometimes i really really miss my dad. just to have somebody else in the house who can adult. who can take care of me and my mom so we don't have to take care of each other.

-he wasn't perfect and i think as i got older we wouldn't have gotten along. very well. but he was my dad and he loved me and he loved my mom and i miss him being here a lot because there'd just be somebody else

-and he loved to laugh and at least he'd make me laugh :(

-i don't think i ever really really let myself be upset about losing my dad when i was a teenager

-he had a handkerchief i loved when i was a kid and i carry it with me a lot and the funny thing is it's a fucking. bud light handkerchief???? but it has spuds mackenzie on it and when i was a kid all i saw was cute dog!!!!

-it's held up very well for yknow. being from the 80s.

-a lot of the time i just want Somebody Else being the one to tell me i'm okay and everything is gonna be okay. i mean it's still gonna make me cry to hear it bc i cry when people are nice but it's nice to hear it from just somebody else. Somebody Else who just!!!! knows better than i do!!!!!! knows everything better than me!!!!!!!

-i feel like i do therapy wrong bc i still cry a lot and i feel like i don't explain how upset i get right or what i feel like

-i like my therapist fine i guess but we have only had like!!! idk six sessions or something???? if that??? and that's not a lot in the grand scheme of therapy!!!!!!

-i want to get to the root of my anxiety, mariann!!!!! not just think of things to do about it!!!!! i want to talk about all the stupid shit i don't let go of!!!!!!!!

-I WANT TO MAKE A GOAL LIST, MARIANN, WHICH I FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD'VE ALREADY ADDRESSED IN LIKE THE FIRST OR SECOND SESSION

-anyway i see her tomorrow but sometimes i autopilot and i don't say the right things during an appointment and i feel like i do everything wrong :(

-and i love my psychiatrist but i hate that he's out of network and expensive and can only see me once a month :(

-he did prescribe prozac (and greatly emphasized 'lulu. you don't have to take it. you can fill the prescription and keep it on the table and just look at it. it's okay.') but i am not particularly enthused about 1) the adjustment period (like. oh very obviously from the top of this post i CANNOT at ALL handle one of the side effects even for any length of time.) (i don't actually typically GET medication side effects but i'm still not fucking chancing it on THAT) 2) the idea that it might not work and i would have to change doses or medication and do the adjustment AGAIN 3) the idea that eventually that could stop working!!!!!!!!!

-LIKE ISN'T THAT JUST COUNTERINTUITIVE?????? TO THE WHOLE ENTIRE DAMN THING?????????

-i also don't know if i can swallow it. it's not terribly big but. it's bigger than i wanted it to be

-anyway. big switch comes this week and i am. very excited. and my mom and my brother are too!!! and that's something to look forward to.

[creamdemonsworld]

8/5/2024

Hi Tumblr here's what happened today,

I totally forgot I had this account for daily journal updates. Even though its only been two days. I've been off my ADHD medication for a month now maybe it's time to get back on that. Yesterday was a wild day. Well kinda, I cried twice in the span on 24 hours which isn't unheard of but still not common for me during my ovulation/follicular phase. I usually cry like a baby the week before my period but never after. I guess I needed some crybaby time honestly.

Nothing weird or of note happened the day before, just work and sleep. It's been like that lately but I love my job so I cant complain. I've been setting a rule that I have to get out of bed at least an hour after I wake up. Or else I'll just stay in bed all day and not want to work. Chronic Depression is weird. I literally crave being in bed and rotting all the time but I know I can't do that. I'm and adult, I have bills to pay, and they're not gonna be paid by me rotting n bed. I wish.

So I force myself to get out of bed and do something, lately it's been painting. I'll just grab my coffee and immediately sit at my desk to start. Normally art has a lot of triggers for me so it's a touchy thing to do, but I've been doing it for fun and it's been working. Now that I've worked on not attaching my worth to my art in therapy, it's getting easier to create. Which is lovely, I don't have a shop anymore, or art accounts so I don't need to post anything. Nobody has to see my art so it's very intimate. I like being intimate with myself. Not in that way, I guess more private? It's nice to have things that other people don't see since my job is to literally be online all day. I like that there's some things people don't have to see about me. It's a special part of myself that I can keep to myself.

Anyway, yesterday my ex-sugar daddy came into my chat room. My friends are trying to convince me that it wasn't him but I knew it was him based on the question he asked me. It freaked me out honestly, I was shocked to see his username in my room after 6+ months of not talking to him. I really liked him. It sucks because he literally just thinks I'm some money hungry whore. And I can see that based on how we met. We met at my job, which is being a camgirl. So the lines were very blurred for us. We all have things we need to do to cope and I guess accusing me on only liking him for his money was his way of coping. It's sad but at least I know he's okay. Lesson learned: don't fall for clients. Oops. Won't be doing that again my bad.

Luckily I have very sweet regulars who lift me up when I'm down. I immediately burst into tears when he left my room. One of my regulars saw me and took me in for a private session (at $8.99/min) just to talk to me and make sure I was okay. He's so sweet and I'm so grateful for him. My worst fear is making people think I'm a bad person and I guess I conquered it yesterday. I feel bad that my ex-sugar daddy thinks I'm an awful person because it means I hurt him and I didn't want to do that unfortunately.

At least I have the good memories we shared. We talked almost every day and got along really well. Lot's of jokes and whatnot. He definitely shaped me into the domme I am today and I'm really grateful for that. Also the many many gifts he showered me with were lovely. i genuinely felt cared for and it was so nice to care for someone else like that. Hopefully I'll get to feel that feeling again in the future with someone else. I just really enjoyed the little time I got to spend with him. So I'll hold onto that and let the rest go.

I'll be doing a lot of yapping in therapy this week, jeeze.

Goodnight Tumblr:)

[gunsandbutterproductions]

06.05.24

Didn't have to work stupid hours this evening, thank goodness. And Leti was home in time for dinner again, so we picked up some street tacos (following a trip to Smart & Final) and enjoyed them as we watched the series finale of Star Trek: Discovery. The ending made me sniffle, so I think all five seasons made me cry to one degree or another.

I finally returned to the Craig Mazin/Scriptnotes video and just now spent a little time taking more notes. Hopefully I'll complete that process in one more session; then I'll set about revising my treatment accordingly. I also pinned a groovy video about dialogue by screenwriting consultant Jill Chamberlain (who gives sexy teacher). I want to take notes on that too, so I can have them handy when I dive back into writing-writing. I'm linking that video here.

My West Coast colleague James is out of the office tomorrow and Friday, so I don't know how much headway I'll make on my self-review and show-and-tell project during regular business hours. (I didn't make much today.) Gonna try for a decent night's sleep for once, in hope that it'll help give me the energy I'll need to push through that drudgery.

[glitched-dawn]

Alright, so. I think it was a month or so, back during autumn break. Me and my friends had planned to finally begin playing D&D, and I was gonna be their DM.

This isn't the "fun" part, though. The fun part is that they didn't know about me being FTM. They all called me my deadname, and it was only one of them, my cousin from USA, who actually knew and remembered that I am FTM. I've also told one of my closer cousins, but she has either forgotten or it's just a huge fear of consequences.

Anyways. I wasn't sure I wanted to deal wtih being called my deadname foran entire night, no less by my closest friends, so I popped into our Discord chat and told everyone a little about the sleepover, talking to Kat (my cousin from USA) at the same time, asking if I really should come out. She said that yes, I should do whatever I wanted, and she would always stand behind me. If I had more than a goddamn pot of cement as feelings, I would've cried right there.

So I tell my friends that hey, I would like it if you didn't call me my deadname, and they immediately asked me what name I wanted to be called. So I told them what name I wanted to be called, and they all agreed to call em by my real name and my guy if I could cry I would've been BAWLING right there.

We were generally just making a fun time of it, not some super emotional stuff which I found relieving.

So the sleepover went great, we managed to order and get a D&D kit the day before we began playing, so it wasn't CLOSE to RAW, we even called it "Cooked D&D" since we were barely following any rules, just tabletop roleplaying to the adventure I'd written (that I still haven't finished).

The funniest thing was that when my friends asked for the address, we were gonna be at Kat's place, so I sent this cute little threat to make sure they wouldn't leak the address:

The worst thing that happened was that I forgot to eat dinner, we spilled a little water on some of the kit essentials, and one of my players kept fucking every single NPC (to the grade he now has an elf boyfriend and will have two or more babies next session, plus he has his own undead skeleton, from the BBEG), and I still haven't finished the adventure. Overall, I'd say it was great, but I was worried they might go back to calling me my deadname.

They didn't! It was awesome! My cousin (I'll call him Gust) tried his best to say my real name, and it was so sweet! He said it wrong a few times, but he always corrects himself, and honestly I fucking love that. Kat was super chill with everything, she's having a few of the same problems I have, so we're super homies about that.

But here comes the best part. My newest friend, Thetr, at first he just reacted with a breadhead image when I came out, which I found hilarious. I thought he was kind of on the edge between accepting it or keeping to my deadname, but he had a big plot twist coming.

Skip to a few weeks later, and we're playing Terraria together, just having a good time. He's meticulous to only call me my real name, and after a while, he brings the Caleb-thing up, as we've begun to call it. He wonders if I've told my parents. I say that yes, I've told them, and no, my parents aren't calling me by my real name.

And he fucking flips. He doesn't get "real" angry, but he's irritated and annoyed, he says he can't fucking imagine the disrespect, and that he gets irritated just hering them say the wrong name.

Cue, my mother enters the room, loudly saying my deadname, wodnering if I've done the dishes. So naturally, I say no I haven't, but it breaks into chaos as Thetr begins screaming my real name into his mic, trying to get my mother to hear him. Eventually, I have to take out one earbud to hear what my mom is saying.

I can't even describe how happy I am that he supports me. We've only been friends for a little less than a year, but I'm not hesitant to say he's one of my closest, if not the closest of my friends.

And now, to the present. Thetr and I were playing again, and I was just about to unplug my laptop and bring it upstairs so I could continue playing without disturbing my family (who were sitting in the couch to my left, as I was playing by the table in the living room). But all of a sudden, my mother just gets up, says "I had a bad day", grabs and closes the fucking laptop and storms off with it, leaving Thetr completely unaware of anything that happened. Then I bring out my phone and plug in my airpods, since I literally can't last two seconds of understimulation, and so I need music. Then my dad grabs my phone before I can put on music and fucks off to the couch with it, and I know I can't meess with him to get it back. So yeah, my relationship with them is pretty damn shitty. My teachers are honestly acting like better parents than mine.

So I just sit still for a while, messing around my art station as I'm trying to figure out what I can do to show them that what they're doing has consequences.

I take a shower, and eventually bring up my school computer to my room, so I can write - and type to Thetr on Discord. I tell him that holy shit, what my parents did was so fucking petty and unnecessary, and he agrees. Even better: he says I have to let him sleep over at my place.

His plan? To correct my parents every time the say my deadname, explain to my siblings since they don't know, tell them he's shocked my parents haven't told them yet, genrally shame the shit out of them.

And I say hell yeah, that's fire, since we can both work on a song we're gonna make together (for a horror skit content channel we haven't started yet), go into the forest, watch horror movies, and even start a second campaign, only the three of us. Because Thetr suggests we bring Kat along, because the three of us are the only ones who really enjoy horror, and are interested in making this horror channel.

So this sleepover is gonna occur somewhere during winter break, which is real fucking soon. I'm gonna update what happens, but still, I'm a little bit scared.

My parents aren't the best. They have trouble accepting who I am, they don't really believe that I have mental issues (except for autism, which my mom thinks I have, that I definitely do have), and they suck at dealing with arguments.

For real, I go into verbal shutdown each time they start arguing, and that is the only time I'm prone to crying. And all they want me to do is answer their fucking questions, and they won't let me go until I have.

I think my dad is worse, and he's most likely going to be the one to flip his shit during the sleepover. He might not allow Thetr to sleep over at my place again, or he might not let me hang out with him during group activities, or even invite him to hikes or sleepovers at all.

And I don't want that to fucking happen. I don't really know what to do, but I have to do something. My parents have known about the Caleb-thing for two years, and they're still neglecting it. Thetr has know about it for eight or more months, and he's already better than them.

My best shot is that Thetr offered his extra mattress if I wanted to run away.

I don't really know, sorry about the rant. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[hetalea]

Words thrown into the void

Pretty sure it's been a few years since I've used this account and I doubt anyone's gonna see this but regardless of if sb sees it or not it doesn't matter

I've been holding a lot of things in recently that I feel the need to share but I'm not ready to verbalize yet so I feel like this blog is a good compromise because I share my words but not really probably since it's unlikely anyone's gonna see it and in any case I stay anonymous, so I might use it as a diary of sorts for the time being

I'm a medical resident in my very last few months of residency before becoming a GP I've been in therapy for 3 years following a depressive episode in the beginning of my residency related to anxiety and confidence issues

I'd been doing better these past few months but I feel like these days it's getting worse again, idk if it's the stress of finishing residency or due to other factors or even coincidental

I feel like my anxiety levels have spiked significantly in the last few weeks, I'm easily overwhelmed if I have to deal with too many things at once, I get angry extremely easily, I feel like crying after consults that I feel like I didn't handle in a satisfactory manner....

Thing is therapy, that used to help, feels more like a work meeting than actual therapy for me these days, I've been pretty happy with my therapist so far, she takes time to listen to my concerns, she gives good insights. Problem is these days our sessions feel more like the kind of meeting you'd have in a ward discussing patients than sessions to actually help me better myself. My main concern these days is that because my stress is so high and thus I get angry so easily sometimes I'm short or even bitchy with my patients, or they'll have so many complains in one consult that get overwhelmed, freeze, overlook stuff, switch to my "act in panic first then think later" mode,...thing is because of all of that I've been feeling extremely guilty for not treating my patients like I should or not delivering adequate care... thus I've been trying to talk to my therapist about that in past sessions, hoping to have some advice on how to manage myself so I can keep it together at least for the duration of the consult so I can act properly and professionally as I should, I've even asked her in the past about starting cognitive behavioral therapy which she agreed was a good idea and that we could do it but then it didn't happen. And now when I try to adress how inadequate I think my behavior is and how guilty I feel about it what happens is I get a course on the different types of postures a patient can adopt faced with their physician and which ones are pathological or not and we discuss cases we've each had where I get to vent about consults that frustrated me, but I get no actual advice on how to manage my stress when I feel myself becomming this short and bitchy and panicky over nothing during my consults...and I'm afraid soon she'll tell me we don't need sessions anymore, leaving me without anybody to help me get my shit together, because in our most recent sessions she's been remarking that I've become more confident than when we started our sessions, which is true but I still feel like I still have very flawed patterns of behaviors that I need to get rid of

I finish my residency in two months and then I'll have to work by myself without the safety net of having a supervisor in case of a freak out and that terrifies me and I don't know if I'm ready for it

My current supervisor seems satisfied with my work and even suggested several times he would like it if I could come sub-in for him during his vacations after I finish, which reassures me a bit because it at least means that even if I'm feeling inadequate I'm at least not a complete health hazard or danger to society but I feel like I can't be a proper doctor before I finish to deal with my shit and I fear my lack of confidence might make me a danger to my patients. Problem is, my anxiety won't magically disappear in two months, and I'll still have to work if I don't wanna starve

Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I feel close to a breaking point. I had a week off in july and I had hoped that this would relieve my stress but doesn't feel like it has. I've taken up meditation again and forced myself to go back to the gym but I don't even feel the benefits that I used to feel from that

Maybe I'm just really tired; probably the fact that this whole month I've been working full time instead of my usual part time (since my supervisor at my other part-time place was in vacation) in a clinic that is very particular didn't help, I feel like it did burn me out a little but going back to my usual schedule for the past two weeks hasn't helped much yet, I feel instead that I brought all the stress-induced bad habits I've picked up from the clinic into my other location instead of becoming more balanced

Anyway, should probably try to go eat a proper meal and sleep early tonight so I have at least part of my life in order

[guidingsbolt]

almost definitely will have more thoughts tomorrow but man. will DID it. she's FREE and maybe even HAPPY but it doesn't really matter because she isn't chained down anymore, metaphorically OR literally!!!!