#i'm just... allowing it i guess. bc i've realized the more i've just allowed myself to Be

[moe-broey]

Like what was the POINT. Of stowing away baby Reginn just to be SO MEAN TO HER. Because of your UNRESOLVED ISSUES‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

[tired-reader-writer]

Good news: I think I've found suitable replacement names for Ayunnen, Kashi, and Kazai!

Ayunnen:

Aýnabat

Derived from Turkmen aý "moon" and nabat, a type of crystallized sugar candy.

I do realize that this essentially means naming him “moon candy” but y'know what, it's cute, I'm keeping it. The name is feminine, however I have allowed myself this anachronism bc the Marda clan people generally have a very loose relationship with gender. It's fine, I think.

Nabat candy <3

Kazai:

Khazan

Meaning autumn or falling leaves, it's also a Persian festival that has to do with autumn, Khazan Jashn.

Many thanks to @innerchorus for bringing my attention to this! Information on this festival though was. Uh. Scarce. But I did manage to find a small article written entirely in Farsi about an “autumn festival” that was held in a certain neighborhood.

Kashi:

Sâyezân

From Kazakh сая (saya) meaning “shadow, shade, protection, comfort” and жан (zhan) meaning “soul” (both words of Persian origin).

This. THIS was the name that gave me so much fucking trouble. I liked the “saya” part (the Farsi pronunciation was smth more like saye according to the wiktionary audio, hence why I spelled it that way) HOWEVER I kinda. Didn't like the look of “zhan” (jân in Farsi) and I really liked the fact that Kashi and Kazai's names used to share a syllable and... I tried to look up what “zan” would've been in Farsi but turns out, it meant something like “woman, wife, female” and naming Kashi “girl-shadow” just didn't sit right with me 😭😭 Also the original name I found was Zhansaya which... I didn't quite like the vibes of, really............ I tried to look for alternatives to replace that zhan with, but didn't find anything, and so. I was wholly tempted to chop that part off and just have it be Sâye. In the end though, I ended up playing shuffle with the two parts of the name and let's just say the zân still means soul, it's just. Stylized differently. Yeahhhhh. Toooootally fine.

So. Yeah! The new names of my ArSen OCs! Edits to the fic will have to come after I'm done writing chapter 3 (but before uploading it) so look forward to that, I guess!

I have also made the decision to revert “Areyan” back into his canon name “Arslan” as this was a holdover from when I thought it'd be a fine idea to give Arslan another name to denote that this was an alternate, different version of him. Ehhhh he can go back to being Arslan.

[doberbutts]

I know you've said writing is a pretty fraught thing for you so I hope I'm not prodding against something tender without realizing, but I wanted to say that I think you have an absolutely lovely authorial voice, and I find your writing an absolute joy to read. I only discovered your blog a couple of days ago, but I've been reading through some of your post backlog and I've found myself consistently impressed by how you're able to make nuanced, complex ideas understandable for lay-readers while still maintaining a very fluid and compelling style.

Speaking as someone coming from academia, that blend of clarity, readability and depth of thought is both rare and takes a lot of work to develop, and I really admire it.

Oh, I appreciate the kind words actually!

It's not that my relationship with writing is fraught, it's that black people being called eloquent is a, umm, well often it is a microaggression when being said by a nonblack person.

Let me put it this way. Black people have our own dialect- AAVE- which is constantly both appropriated and also derided as unintelligent. This is despite the fact that most people who use AAVE also can speak and understand standard american english- proficiency in two (tbh even more than two bc AAVE is largely regional as well but w/e I guess) dialects is somehow unintelligent if you choose to use the one most common to your demographic for whatever reason. (I know the reason the reason is racism actually).

Black people learned a long time ago that in order to be taken seriously by nonblack and white supremist society, we needed to not only not use AAVE, but also be the most eloquent and well-spoken person in the room at all times or else some white asshole would find a reason to discredit us by saying we were too unintelligent to have a place at the table.

We aren't allowed to not be eloquent. And eloquent is only allowed to mean "speaks in purely academic words and phrases with no slang, using only standard american with no strong accent besides the news broadcaster 'no accent' accent" with absolutely no wiggle room.

Racist white society does not consider it possible to be well-spoken while using AAVE. It doesn't matter how educated or articulate the speaker is if they're using AAVE. They're just not considered intelligent enough to have a firm grasp on the subject. Even if they're the most experienced person there.

So when I say that black people and eloquence is a fraught discussion, I don't mean that I don't like speaking or writing. What I mean is, black people being told we are well spoken when we choose to remove our own dialect from our mouths because that's the only way we can get people to listen to us, often times with people saying this in surprise as though they did not expect us to be well spoken...

That entire mess is a whole tangled web of racism. It's a microaggression.

And it's also actually one of the major reasons why I talk the way I do. I find it to be a nice blend between pure academic lingo and casual street talk- understandable for the layperson but with an obvious enough grasp of the concept that I don't drown when discussing with people more used to using the more theoretical terms. It is intentional, and it's nice to see someone notice that.

[loversandantiheroes]

I don't know that I've talked that much about the general state of..like...me in awhile, and since it hit me that I'm like 3 years post-covid and at least that into the yawning abyss of this temp hiatus, I reckon it's due.

Physical/mental health stuff under the cut, general whining alert, etc.,

I don't even remember now when I officially put up the hiatus notice, but it's more or less been on since I wrapped the third chapter of Hotel Hobbies, and that feels several decades ago at this point. Initially it was just a really bad combination of creative burnout (self-inflicted bc why enjoy your creative outlet when you can throw yourself on the fire to keep it burning), my at the time untreated mental health issues, and back-to-back online/fandom friendship disasters that just left me feeling like more of a crater than a person.

Since then things have been very up and down. Some of the friendships mended, some never did and have left some lingering sore spots on things I wish I could still enjoy. I managed to get my ass to a doctor and started the process of getting back into treatment for my depression, finally got a diagnosis for ADHD at the ripe old age of 38, got into therapy, and spent a lot of time bouncing between medications trying to find something that works for me. Sadly, that process is still ongoing.

In the process of all that, though, I finally brought the issue of the god-awful persistent fatigue I've been dealing with to my doctor, and asked to be referred to cardiology. After three weeks of wearing a heart monitor and a quick lay-down/stand-up EKG, they confirmed POTS. I don't know if it's a gift from Covid, or an unfortunate result of the sheer amount of stress I've dealt with in the last decade and change, but it's a fucking bear to deal with, and I can't say I recommend it. Doc is also of the opinion that I have an a-typical case of PCOS. Just collectin' all the acronyms.

Suffice it to say that, while it absolutely could 100% be so much worse, it does turn out my physical health is...less than ideal.

On top of that at the tail end of last year, the month before the election, I finally realized that my burnout isn't just an "oh tee hee you wroted too hard" thing. Apparently caregiver burnout is an actual thing. And uh. Well, I fit the bill. I had hoped to be able to use this year to start shifting things around and try to work on that, try to give myself some more room to breathe and find some way to take the weight off of my shoulders (I'd started looking into adult daycare for my dad to give me a literal break once in awhile).

And then, well. November. And now we're here. And the fascist fucks are chomping at the bit to take away all the things that keep us afloat. My health care. My job. Dad's healthcare. His social security. It's an ugly-ass Sword of Damocles situation.

So yeah. I don't really have a point to draw to in all this except to say that I'm fucking tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, the whole nine yards. I've been running on empty for a long time, and it's proving a lot harder than I'd hoped to try and fill that tank up. And with as uncertain a future as we're facing right now, I don't expect it's going to improve all that much for a wee while.

I keep thinking that I should've made a patreon back before they changed all fees and such, but honestly, even if I had, I still don't have anything I can offer in exchange. I've got like three stacks of brain fog at all times, and my ADHD meds only work on one of 'em. I can hardly string a coherent sentence together most days. If you've wondered why I've been quieter than usual, or less responsive in messages, that's why. Fuckin' Pyramid Head clompin around up there.

Anyway, I guess, all this to say that I'm sorry that I haven't been able to get back to writing or painting. Believe me, I wish I could. I miss it terribly. But the spoons are too few and the fog is too thick.

It will get better, I hope, if circumstances allow. I hope they do. But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared shitless these days.

But yeah. Miss you nerds💖

[hermitw]

I love kenjaku as a symbol of faceless evil. existing in anyone after carving out their souls. (swear he eats the brain of the next vessel before inhabiting it - kenjaku is a brain w teeth. TEETH. what else would they be for)

so often in fiction, faceless evil is represented by a bald person. no hair, no eyebrows = no dimension, just a soulless robot or criminal with no story of their own.

jjk doesn't have any of that. the baldest person is Juzo, who still had a lot of defining (even iconic and admirable) traits and I love him so much.

Anyway!! after reading some posts about the bald polls, it rly... validated the bitterness I felt while skipping over them. what if I'm bald AND have an opinion?

it feels like they don't think bald people can read, can see the polls, can have a soul. I'm not condemning anyone who has posted or voted or shared these - I don't consider it a serious issue, but I'm going to ramble a bit about baldness (and feel free to rb w your own bald thoughts) after realizing that there are irl implications.

being bald is... such a wide spectrum of choice, necessity and security. there are a lot of reasons for it.

whether it's for medical, spiritual, mental, financial, sensory etc. reasons...

I guess mine have always been a combination.

the first time I was bald was nearly 10 years ago. it was by choice then, to avoid the embarrassment of hat hair after walking to school. I was Very insecure about the way it looked. specifically, like that one star wars character w the tall bald head (which is bc I was in the habit of holding my head down, genuinely just holding my head higher would have changed appearance greatly but I had no idea then). I laughed about it, sent my friend a picture of us side by side, and decided I could never shave my head again. my head shape was weird. it was exposed and ugly and I was not allowed to wear hats in school.

my neighbor immediately thought that I had cancer. if I did, then I would not want anyone to know that at a glance. I'd want privacy. I didn't want anyone to feel so exposed like that, I wanted baldness to be normalized and even fashionable.

I guess the next time I shaved my head was for financial reasons. it's cheaper to spend $10 on a clearance shaving item than to buy hair care products. I'd spend years trying to grow it back but wearing hats 24/7, which kills hair. so I'd have to shave it again. eventually was able to grow some back. it was probably falling out from stress, I kept getting cortisol rashes etc around then.

the next time I shaved my head was, I guess for spiritual or mental health reasons. I felt secure that way, I liked it, I dressed in ways that felt true to myself. I learned that dressing in any way perceived as "femme" makes old men feral online and irl when you are bald.

I learned that walking outside dressed "masc" made me perceived as suspicious. Just for existing in public. it was weird, more severe than the looks of white women when i walk into their place of business dressed "alternative" or they can't discern my gender at a glance (I have a lot of privilege here, I know poc have to deal w this on another level all the time and if anyone wants to add to this, pls go for it).

since covid, I've found it impossible to decently grow hair. it takes 10x longer for me than average anyway, and has 99% been a means of insecurity or shame or coercive control. I'll always be missing out on the scene kid hair, but at this point I do love and prefer being bald.

I do feel insecure about it sometimes though. I feel weird knowing that I have the traits to do a thukuna cosplay. I don't have the heart to bc that would bring out my biggest lifelong insecurities.

recently come to realize that it's an effect of chronic illness for having hair to be rly painful. like, 2 weeks of growth is all you can manage before it's a sensory hell. I wonder what it would be like to not be this way.

the best feeling in the world is a soft bald head, the breeze against it, etc. but it can also get rly cold or very easily burn in the sun (giant headache for days) and if you have to wear a hair net, that is the itchiest thing ever.

it means that if I sit in a patch of sunlight, my head becomes like a lighthouse in the break room.

I began removing my eyebrows years before shaving my head (I used to pull them out. sometimes they'd grow back). by now I've accepted that I just cannot feel like myself with them. every time I remove eyebrows, it's like I recognize my reflection again.

depending on the setting, people are still not used to it. no one who knows me reacts at all at this point, but if I stream online without eyebrows, it's like half the comments. where are they, what happened to your eyebrows, why didn't you draw them on. at this point I'm resorting to "eyebrows are stupid and I don't respect them" or some other borderline brainrot reply.

my streams seem to be a lot more popular when I have both hair (fake) and eyebrows (even if they're just some shape drawn on). then we can talk about other relevant topics. idgi.

Anyway!! being bald has brought a lot of humorous opportunities. it means taking off a wig with cosplay makeup still on and cracking up at my reflection. there are so many jokes that I can make, but the joke is never the baldness itself. it isn't "haha! this person is bald so their personhood is somehow revoked". it's the context, it's the autonomy.

it also means that people don't know how to react to you or what jokes they can make (understandable). I was sad to find out that my work friends had been making jokes for months behind my back. like, if they'd see me outside or anything they'd point and say "bald!" and the way they said it was so funny (and at this point I was very secure in my baldness). we were all very autistic and they'd loudly stim, so this was rly chill and I just wish I'd been included. I also hope I wasn't reflecting sunlight in the break room for a year without realizing it.

it's also weird to navigate though, because why did I get insecure when my best friend said that I reminded them of a star trek character? but when a stranger said "I mean this in the best way possible, you remind me of powder" (idk anything about that movie but I looked it up and it was so funny I tried to dress more like that guy immediately. I guess the way we dressed and makeup matched pretty well there, maybe that was the difference - especially since my head was covered when they said it).

in the end, I can't hold this against anyone because my insecurities are my own to deal with, and they're right, we do look alike.

and there are a lot of people who choose to not have hair, who love it and feel true to themselves. but there are also a lot of us who haven't reached that point, so I guess it's a case by case thing.

ultimately it's not that serious (I mean, there's a lot of more serious issues, this feels rly trivial to write out but i have a lot of privilege so idek).

I wonder what the history/origin is of bald, eyebrowless characters being a symbol of faceless evil. ughhhhh I might have to look this up. if anyone knows pls share it w me

[lylahammar]

(Feel the need to state this up front: I'm bisexual, afab, kinda cis but also kinda trans, nonbinary isn't the word I'd use for myself but... alas, it's the only one people recognize as a general consensus)

I've started to understand why the term sapphic is more appealing to some people, but it still really bothers me as a descriptor/category. When talking to a friend about it (she strongly prefers Sapphic as a term), I started to sus out why:

The vast majority of my initial exposure to the term was always attached to something... aesthetic? Stories or art or music, but of a specific *type*. To the point where it gained a hyperspecific meaning of a period or historical setting, "gay woman trapped in comphet marriage and needs to be saved by bold lesbian", young girls fooling around with girls with no need for commitment because everything is fleeting and nothing is permanent and choices dont matter... on their own, these are perfectly fine narrative choices and are fun to play in sometimes, but they sure start to just seem... repetitive and restrictive and borderline fetishizing. To me, it reads as a term specifying that the love women feel for other women is the only kind allowed, that it's true and pure in a way the love a woman feels for a man isnt, and that her true self can never be realized without admitting she was in love with women since the beginning and was always supposed to be. Achillean gives me the exact same vibe.

On the other hand, my friend feels the term is *less* specific, and to her it allows *more* room for people who don't identify strictly as feminine or as a lesbian, for her it just is a broad umbrella term that allows for any variation of girl-identifying-person who likes girl-identifying-people.

Ultimately, I don't think she's wrong, and I don't know that my interpretation is right. But I think I've been exposed to a.... imma call it a "hyper-aggressive romanticization" of a particular way of existing that just puts me on edge in a way that's hard to explain to people who don't feel the same way about it. I don't think there's anything wrong with romanticizing something like that it's just that... for me, who still identifies as a woman despite being om T, who is married to a cis woman, etc... it feels ironically exclusionary and fetishizing, and mostly feels fantastical and escapist, rather than grounded in anything real.

TL:DR, it feels like a book genre, not a usable term/identifier

Ohhhhh okay I see I wasn't sure if there was something actually problematic about the term that I wasn't aware of, that sounds like it's just a preference based off of the vibes of the way some people use it

honestly I prefer sapphic and achillean because the terms "wlw" and "mlm" are so clunky and hard to say and sound goofy in my brain lmao not to mention the fact that mlm has a separate negative meaning that gets mixed up a lot

and the term "lesbian" is very specific and doesn't apply to all women who are attracted to women

so like....... idk I guess it sucks that some people have given the term sapphic a bad association for some but I'm gonna keep usin it if that's the only reason why bc I don't really care about all that and if ppl know me then they'll be able to tell that I'm not being a weirdo about it lol

[seawitchkaraoke]

I hope you realize you're literally telling women they're hysterical for having issues with not being represented fairly by a large corporation. Like? That's unironically a thing you're doing. Be better friend come on.

i know i'm not always perfect at expressing myself but I'm pretty sure I'd remember calling anyone 'hysterical'. I'm not saying you're not allowed to be upset. I'm not saying you shouldn't wish for and ask for more representation. my main issue with a lot (not all!) of the posts I've seen about the topic are

a) that they're saying trans women are uniquely not getting represented on dropout unlike all the other minorities (or even saying they're getting zero rep at all) - not true, there's plenty of other minorities not getting a whole lot of rep. I don't recall any trans men on D20 for example though hey i might be forgetting someone. Really not many binary trans ppl in general.

and b) saying that the little transfemme rep must mean dropout ''hates'' trans women. I get in a lot of cases this is semantics and not smth the op actually believes but I've seen it expressed sincerely too and that one just has me puzzled. Why would they be cool with enby ppl but hate trans women? But I guess still hire Persephone multiple times to what, look better?

This kind of post might just be vent rants which hey, i get it, I do that too sometimes. But it's not particularly helpful or productive towards actually getting dropout to do better. (This ask is actually a good example of what bothers me bc you accused me of ''unironically'' and ''literally'' calling ppl hysterical which I did not do. Say it reads like that to you, say at most I (unintentionally) implied that or whatever, but don't put words in my mouth, y'know?)

The thing is, any company or organisation or whatever that tries for diversity is gonna be missing a whole lot of demographics, bc there's simply too many ways to be a human. We could also argue about dropout's lack of representation for visibly disabled people and maybe we should! I'm not saying shut up and never complain, I'm saying maybe they don't hate uniquely you, maybe they've just not thought to hire specifically more trans women, maybe it's actually just random chance or maybe they haven't optimised their casting process perfectly to make sure there's no hidden biases there. That's an issue sure, but considering how college humor looked 10 years ago (very white men dominated), I trust them to a degree to continue working on including more and more kinds of people - this isn't blind faith. They've started a progress and I expect them to continue it.

Also I meant it when I said suggest some trans women comedians. To the general fandom on tumblr, sure, bc I'd love to know more, but also a fan got Thomas Sanders on um actually by tweeting at Ify so.... bringing specific trans women you like to the show runners attention might actually work as well (though obviously isn't guaranteed to)

[bunny-queen]

you can be you

hey babes, long post ahead

i've felt for a long time since entering the LOA community that there's a lot of pressure on everyone who knows how to conciously manifest

it seems like after you grasp that YOU are the creator of your reality and that YOU can do literally anything you want, almost everyone expects us to want 'big' things

by big i mean mansions, resort trips, a sports car, a new phone, a celebrity SP, being a public figure, being a millionaire... this kind of life

and although there's nothing wrong with living like that, or wanting to live like that, it's perfectly fine if it's not your dream life

edward art says in one of his reddit posts (remind me to link it here later) that if you somehow aren't manifesting X thing, it might be because......... it's not what you actually want

you may have convinced yourself that you SHOULD want that thing, but deep down, you feel indifferent towards it. you don't think about it a lot, you don't imagine yourself being happy with the thing, you don't lie in bed daydreaming about it. and eventually you realize it might not be coming into the 3D

this has definitely happened to me before. i had spent MONTHS affirming and listening to subliminals for my ideal face, but i had little to no results in the material world, and i could not for the life of me figure out what i was doing wrong

you guessed it: i wasn't doing anything wrong. but social media LOA comms had eventually convinced me that kpop idols are the epitome of beauty, and that any east asian should be manifesting to be a carbon copy. i saw that, thought 'hm, alright' and proceeded to frustrate myself endlessly trying to manifest something i didn't even want. a year later, here i am, realizing i like my current face better than any idol's out there, and that's why i didn't get results

and it happened yet again regarding my college applications and entrance exams. because people on this hellsite are constantly encouraging others to go directly to the end, i thought 'ah, i should manifest that i've ALREADY passed, then. that i don't even need to take the exam'

so i did it, i affirmed, i meditated, yadda yadda, and made myself MISERABLE. bc apparently i like to study, and i'm excited to take the exam! doing this way might not be the most straightfoward way, but it's what i want. i *want* this experience

long ass post but the moral of the story is that: just bc you know about the law, it doesn't mean you put on a show about your desires. you don't need to manifest 10 billion dollars just to show an imaginary audience that you can. just to post it on tumblr. you don't need to manifest a mansion in LA just bc that is the type of success story that gets the most likes

you're allowed to still want a quiet, simple life, even if you're God. you're allowed to not care about new phones, new clothes, and instead manifest more crochet yarn, and that the weather's good everyday. you're allowed to be happy with yourself and not want to lose/gain weight, change your height, your eye color, or any other features. you're allowed to want to be a normal college kid, and not a victorias secrets angel. it's okay to be you

[aroaceweirdos101]

dream update: I ruined my sleep schedule for an experiment (but I don't have a life so it's whatever) oh fuck this is the longest ask I think I've ever sent-

okay first the actual dream. I had a bit of an argument with Taco again, I wanted to free the MeTags but she didn't really care that much about them. she wanted to focus on killing song. I told her that move order matters but I didn't want to tell her the "because this is all a dream and it will end as soon as song dies" part. I think she knows I'm hiding something.

I said I was going to start grabbing MeTags because I want everyone to be free. but I also said that maybe to make this go faster, Taco could try and put the antidote into a sound.

4 asked if he could come with me. I wondered why but said it was too dangerous to split apart. but when I closed the door behind me and turned to leave..I saw it. one of the patrollers. I left at the wrong time.

but I think I kinda just went feral or something bc I realized. hey. I have illusion magic and shapeshifting. I kinda want to see if these guys can feel emotions. so why not start with fear?

"oh, hello you." I said as I smiled a toothy grin so wide I needed to shapeshift to do so. I made darkness so thick the light of the approaching phone couldn't breach it. I flickered that darkness, nothing but two red eyes showing through it as I flickered myself closer to it as well. I think they do have emotions because this one hesitated..especially as I stopped letting the lights back on. more and more red eyes filled the hallway.

the phone started to back up, opening a group text on itself and beginning to type*. "oh, leading more to me? you're so kind." my voice was deep and overlayed with itself.

*it didn't actually seem to need to type the way one would type on a phone irl. letters just started appearing on it.

it didn't send the message. I inched closer. it took another step back. I stopped all the illusions and went back to normal. "so, it's interesting to formally meet you!" my tone was cheerful. I smiled innocently. normally. I sneakily put a wall of fireglass behind it so that it couldn't escape.

the way it hesitated and said "what ARE you?" confirmed to me that they can fear. "what I am can't really be pronounced in this language. so nothing special." I lied. "anyway. I take it walking up and down these hallways looking for intruders is your job, right?" it backed up, flinching when it hit the fireglass wall. "y-yes.." it stammered.

also I just wanted to say it's voice. sounded somewhere between what 3gs sounds like and what 5 sounds like. slightly bitcrushed, but also robotic.

"so I'll hazard a guess he doesn't tell you more than you 'need' to know. have you ever wondered what that piece of sheet music is hiding from you?"

it didn't respond. so I continued.

"any rooms you're not allowed in? storage closets, perhaps? here. I'll show you." I let down the wall, only to put another further down the hall, past the door to floor 1. I stepped closer. it stepped back.this repeated until it had reached the end of the hall. I let down the fireglass wall I had put up a while ago to block the door to floor 1. I pointed at the door. "go on, open it." "I'm. not allowed to." "I won't tell." it opened the door. it froze. those four phones by the stairs were still off.

"down you go, it's on the ground floor." I stepped closer. "no. I've- I've seen enough." I figured those other four were out of battery when it said that. left to die, forgotten at their posts. I think they stood still for so long that when their batteries died they didn't even fall over.

"no you haven't." I pressed on nonetheless. it shakily walked over to the four, poking at them, catching them if they started to tip over. those stairs don't even have railings. "he-..left them here." "what a shame. not surprising for someone like him, though." I took the lead, making sure it followed behind as I led it down the stairs.

"not them too.." we reached the bottom. "not a word." I whispered, opening the door. the first floor patrollers weren't there. "c'mon, quickly."

I wordlessly led it all the way to that storage closet, evading the first floor patrollers the whole way. when I opened the door, it hesitated. I gave it a stern look. it stepped in and I closed the door behind it.

"so this is it? this is what you wanted to show me?"

I pointed at the pile of broken, disregarded phones. it gasped and rushed over to one in particular. "yeah, actually. it's-" it cut me off. "I know this one." it looked like it was about to panic. "I know this one- that's..my predecessor." I noticed something. "you're all just tools to him. does he even give you names?" a moment to pause. "only a model number. several of us have the same one. we're just grouped by type to him, I should have realized sooner-" "hey. not your fault your creator lied to you." it turned to face me. "it's always the fault of the betrayer, not the betrayed."

"I have to tell the others." "will they even listen?" "I don't know." "they might try to decommission you just for leaving your post, or not telling them about me. I wouldn't put it past him to tell them to do something like that." "could you..make sure they don't do that?" "oh, yeah I could."

that's when I woke up. holy shit this dream is so long and involved it could be an entire fanseries. and honestly? I don't really hate this new direction it seems to be taking. it's interesting. maybe the literal embodiment of keeping things interesting that's in the system is passive influencing me but I. I almost don't want this dream to end just yet. song is trapped anyway, he can't do anything.

anyway. the experiment. and the secondary reason I didn't send this ask right when I woke up (primary reason is I forgot to)

I fell asleep on a couch in the living room at one point today. I only slept for like an hour, but I dreamt anyway. but it wasn't a continuation of the plotmare! it was a different, but related, nightmare.

I was in a dark room. there were walls and a floor, but no ceiling. there was a window, and behind it I could see song. without his forcefeild. he said something, but I didn't care to listen. I readied my claws to attack but then he yelled "INVISIBLE!"

I froze. I knew what, or rather, who he was referring to. I couldn't attack, what if he was- what if I- I desperately didn't want to...to parallel the ii2 finale.

I blinked, and the walls were gone. the floor was tiled, alternating black and white squares like a chess board. an empty black void around it.

I looked around. no one was there. I backed up until I was in the middle of the "room".

MeTags emerged from the darkness. they walked on the void, there were enough to approach from all directions. I didn't want to kill them. I flew upwards. there was no ceiling, right? so I flew.

suddenly, the chessboard-patterned floor was now a ceiling. I wasn't flying up, I was falling down. I couldn't fly anymore. the ceiling got so distant I couldn't see it. I landed in water.

it was deep.

I started sinking. I tried to swim up but I couldn't. I could breathe fine but I knew that if I sank to the bottom, something as terrible as the malware would happen to me.

the deeper I sank, the thicker the water got. it became first noticeable, then hard to thrash around, then hard to even move at all. I barely noticed there were dark tendrils pulling me down by the ankles. it became easier to give up. more and more alluring. harder not to give up. harder to think.

but I had to get out. I could see the dark sand of the floor, the end beneath me. closer. I flailed with all my might. closer. I searched desperately for something to grab onto. closer.

I breathed a roaring gust of fire.

the flames began to spread. whatever I was in wasn't water.

I hit the ground. it wasn't sand anymore. everything burned around me. droplets of flaming liquid rained down around me. all I could hear was the flames and a soft wind. and. the rustling of paper?

there it was, lying on the same level as the ground, but in the black void around it. right in front of me. A half-burnt poster of song.

and then I woke up.

so after I recovered from that dream, I thought. falling asleep on the couch doesn't make the dream continue? I remembered falling asleep on the couch about a week ago, and the dream I had was just song telling me he could help with a project of mine, and me arguing that I didn't want his help.

...so I decided to nap on the couch again in a few hours. three times would confirm it's not a coincidence. at least to me it would.

and it did. this time was more like the first time. he said he could help me. I told him I'd rather die a hundred deaths than accept "help" from someone like him.

I don't know what to make of this. Bed Sleep gives me different dreams than Couch Sleep? why? how? why did I even do this experiment considering couch dream 2? mayhaps I was inspired by a certain notoriously fucked up 35 part fic I had just read

eh whatever. I have a clear distinction between the dreams I have in different sleeping locations. that's kinda fascinating tbh

anyway. I'm gonna go try to salvage my sleep schedule with a few more hours of bed sleep.

- 💭💥

GODDAMN—

The plot just keeps getting bigger and bigger, hopefully that patroller you interacted with doesnt get killed by Song.

Also, you are so right about the potential of turning this dream into a fan series/gen/pos

Welcome to the club!/silly<-also has a terrible sleep schedule-

Jokes aside, perhaps you can use that couch sleep to your advantage?

[siriuslysatorusimping]

Hi Kiko! I hope youre doing okay today. I just wanted to message you to say I'm really looking forward to your patreon and can't wait to sign up 😁 ever since I came across your page, I have love love LOVEDD following/reading your stories and just whatever you post in general.

I also wanted to say that I really relate to what you're going through, and I'm sorry. I've been through something very similar to you, in that Ive had a break up from someone I really truly thought id be with forever (we were married, I left bc he was an alcoholic, and he died 6 months later from alcohol poisoning before the divorce actually went thru) and I was with him since high school so it really messed me up trying to live without him, even though living WITH him was hell.

I know this might seem like TMI, but I know that feeling alone on top of going through something like this can be painful. I guess I just want you to know that Ive been where you are in some fashion, and I don't know what's on the other side, but you're not alone. sometimes (all the time) I feel like no one gets what I've been through. So, it's refreshing to see you be open and honest about your hardships, bc real life is fucking hard. And I honestly didn't think it would be this way, but here I am. And I guess that's ok, so long as I can find happiness in little things, if not bigger things in life, like reading your stories and following your page/other artists. So thanks for that, and keep being you bc it means something to me 💓 ❣️❣️

Hi sweet anon!

OKAY. FIRST OFF, I AM SO SORRY THAT IT'S TAKEN ME OVER A MONTH TO RESPOND TO THIS! I kept telling myself I needed to respond to it, and then got distracted or couldn't think of the words to say. I've been second-guessing myself a lot lately when it comes to talking to people or answering messages, so again, I'm so sorry 😭

Sweet, sweet anon, I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. I definitely understand the feeling of struggling to live without someone even though living with them was even worse. I saw a thing not long ago that said something like 'you're allowed to miss the people you no longer want in your life' and I think that toxic/abusive relationships absolutely encompass that. My ex-husband was emotionally abusive, and so many people have asked me why on earth I married him or stayed with him for so long, and the only answer I can give is because I did love him. But eventually, that love wasn't enough to make up for how horribly he treated me when he was in a bad mood. I could say more, but I'll spare you and everyone else an overly long rant about things I've semi-discussed before.

I appreciate this message so much. And it's one reason I took so long to respond because I wasn't sure how to even express how much it means to me that you sent this. It's simultaneously been one of the best and worst years of my life. It's been great because I started finding myself and who I am outside of my toxic marriage, but the worst because there's been so much change and so many big things that are terrifying, and the uncertainty now of being unemployed just makes it all worse. I've also been coming to terms with a lot of things I genuinely never knew were due to my autism, and the anger that comes from realizing just how unfair everything has been. Because life just isn't fair and that fucking sucks. Because no matter how hard you try, sometimes it really isn't enough but that doesn't mean that you aren't enough and that's something that's easier said than felt.

Your message made me tear up a bit while I was reading it for so many reasons, but one of them was being told that the things I create actually make people happier and their days even a tiny bit brighter. It's so easy to fall into a rut and feel like nothing I do is worth anything because I was told that for so long by people that I respected and loved. So thank you. Thank you so much for being part of this lil corner and for this message and for being here. Thank YOU for being you. Please, please keep doing that because you're beautiful and wonderful and incredibly strong.

Also, a small side note: the coffee shop job I mentioned a bit ago worked out and I should be starting tomorrow! And I'm moving next week, so life is about to be even more chaotic than it already is. BUT, I've also got a lil extra for Physical Paradox planned soon so keep an eye out for that 👀

Thank you again for your sweet message, and I hope you're well!!

💕💕

[fr-wiwiw]

A small heavy thought

just been up in my head again. currently taking things slower bcs i've tried a muay thai class once, i liked it but i hate the warm up cardio lol. my body is sore, tore the skin on a knuckle abit but i had fun. life is.. well, it's better and not actually. better as in i'm mentally getting better, accepting life the way it is bit by bit does helps. at the same time kinda dreading the thought of certain things that i'm not sure is within my control or not. hope is one of a good factor to keep me stay afloat but sometimes i wonder the things that i prayed and worked for will not be a reality. my life will be stay like this for the longest time and i'll give up hoping. there's a tiny voice in me that keeps saying "you'll get there, the things you're praying for and envisioned and manifest will be there"- i know it will, but i can't lie nowadays doubt seems easy to creep in. i know a lot of people feel this too. perhaps this is a normal thought in your late 20s or perhaps it's just me as always being an overthinker (what a blessing and a curse for artist). but i keep trying to hold onto this tiny voice and to my creator to always keep the faith bcs the things and people i have right now are the very thing i prayed and manifest for <3 be it irl or online the one thing i don't like and i have to bear for now is that i seem to cannot allow myself to indulge in things i used to do. even the simplest thing like drawing Gahan for my brainrot or just draw a fucking horse / any animal i love. i realized i've been sabotaging myself by doing this so i'm currently learning how to incorporate the simple or small subject into my drawings while i sharpen my artskills. i'm not the fastest at drawing like those people who can follow art trends in a seemingly a snap of a finger, it's hard for me to accept that i'm just like one of my favorite animal, a turtle. also i find that i'm getting more closed off to share about my feelings with people irl the more i get older, seeing as people are.. well, you know how human can get. it's rare to found someone who are willing to listen and understand, i just don't want to deal with anymore bs and fortunately there's things called boundaries. well.. i'm trying my best, i know i can and will be better but it's frustrating when people (including myself) compare one pace to another. in the end i just duck my head and keep on focusing on me. hoping there will be good changes again and a better life than this but for now.. it is what it is. i'm rambling now hahah i seem to always ramble here, guess tumblr is my safe space now lol thanks to those who read till the end anyway ^^ hope we all have a good / better life ahead

[thisdreamplace]

Hi Dream, how are you? 🥹

It's been a long time since I've sent an ask, but let me tell you that I feel like a recovering addict. Let me tell you why. When I found the law of assumption and EIYPO, I became a control freak. "Acceptance" was not in my vocabulary. This really frustrated me because there were situations that I couldn't change, and I also did not have in me that humility to accept things as they were.

A huge problem was me not being able to accept rejection (romantically) because I had this mindset of "I can only be rejected if I allow it". So whenever a potential romantic partner didn't want me, I became a control freak and wanted to change the situation very badly, and became obsessed with the person. I never got significant movement with these people who I was trying to change, for obvious reasons. I was not seeing my own value, and only cared to be valued by others no matter what, even going as far as putting myself in dysfunctional situations.

Recently, I was once again rejected, but this time the difference was that I do not want to change it. I do not want anything different. I've had a hard time trying not to blame myself for it, and trying to just move on. Normally I would try to force mental images that I don't even feel pleased with, about this guy being obsessed with me. This time I am allowing myself to taste what it is like to just accept it, to be fearlessly disliked.

It is not a bad thing. Maybe, yes, he is mirroring me, and that's fine. It makes no sense to try to get out of my way to change his mind. Or, try to fool myself, and change my mind for the sake of changing his. Idk if you know what I mean? I feel like right now the most sane thing I can do, is not to shift this whole thing or try to do anything about this, but instead, just let it be like this. Allow myself to feel this disappointment freely. To just observe it. I do not need anything different. And like, this opportunity can serve me as a way to bring me closer to myself.

I feel like I don't know how to explain how I'm feeling. I'm kinda confused. Sometimes I think "why will I allow him to reject me if I can 'manifest' him", but being completely I don't even have reasons to want him, besides the fact that my ego is hurt.

But anyways, this feels new to me and idk why I wanted to send you this. I guess, I wanted to talk about it, and I feel like I've followed you for so long that I feel like you're like a friend or a big sister that I really appreciate.

hiiii <3 i'm okay ! how are you ? :))

hahah its totally okay. because i think MOST of us can agree with that on some level ?? i was also a control freak, and ouch. did it hurt me more than help me. and acceptance was so scary at first, that i put it off for a long time before allowing myself to being practicing it. but hey, you made it here. so good for you !

i also understand your past struggles in that way. when youre on that control kick, you dont even really want anything other than to PROVE it. so you hold on to people, things, circumstances... as a way to try and show that you are in control after all.

everything that you're saying is making sm sense to me, seriously. and i'm glad for you that you're choosing to deal with this circumstance differently than you have in the past. THIS is the biggest start. i remember being in a veryyyyy similiar situation as you before, and i ended up manifesting a measly text a week after a rejection and for a second i felt happy... and in the next second i felt like a silly clown. that was my final turning point, where i realized it was time to change. bc what i DIDNT want was these failed experiences and trying to do control damage after each one. so i stopped trying to control things. i started to just accept what was, and start putting more energy and life into the experience i did want. and most of that looked like... just letting life be, and learning how to enjoy life as it was for me at that moment.

so anyway. what youre experiencing right now, i understand it fully. the ego will make us chase and chase. but we really don't have to, if we'll step into acceptance which feels scary and uncomfortable at first for many. but its what leads us exactly where we wanna go.

i'm glad you shared it with me. i'm proud of you and where you're at in your journey ! you're doing the best you can for you. and thats wonderful. 🥹 <3 i appreciate you sm ! thank you for being here.

xo

[rollercoasterwords]

In regards to the last ask. It does make a lot of sense, and thank you for genuine example of a way that as readers it can put pressure that (is probably not usually) intended.

Serious question-- what (if anything) is a good way to express that we're excited for more without putting on pressure.

Bc I do as commenter often say things like I can't wait for next update or something of that nature.

Are things like that part of issue as well? Or if I've asked an author when we might expect update if there's no schedule?

Because I truly do want to be a part of something that makes fandom enjoyable for authors, and I know the obvious like if I don't like something, click off and don't say anything. Or ignore that aspect if I love everything else.

But I guess it's smaller things like this that I didn't realize.

If that makes any sense?

Bc sometimes my mind goes blank and I do want to comment but it's usually just great chapter, can't wait for more. But I don't want that to be pressure too?

Thank you for all you do, and I do enjoy your stories and blog, and thought that maybe since you just discussed this, maybe a good time to clarify even more.

(I hope this comes off as sincere and curious. I'm not the best with words sometimes or getting across what I'm trying to say)

i mean like i said i really can't speak for all writers--some people might have absolutely no issue with comments that feel pressuring to me, etc. but speaking for myself, i don't mind comments like "can't wait for the next chapter!" because i understand that the phrase "can't wait" is not literal; like, that sort of comment has a contextual tone i'm familiar with and i understand that it's just saying "i'm looking forward to more!" not "please post as soon as possible!"

for me the sorts of comments that build up to create pressure are more the ones that specifically say things like "it's so hard to wait" or "i hate waiting," etc--comments that specifically mention how difficult it is to wait for new updates, regardless of how kind or complimentary they otherwise are. i think there's a difference in tone between expressing "i'm eagerly waiting for the next update!" which does not imply that waiting is a difficulty versus expressing that waiting is difficult, but you're willing to do it if you have to, yknow?

similarly, i don't mind people asking me about update schedules etc as long as there's a simple "no pressure!" tacked onto it. like, there's a difference between someone saying hey no pressure, take your time, but i'm just curious about whether there's any update schedule versus someone saying please tell me when the next ch will be posted will it be posted soon please post the next ch soon. with atwmd specifically i already put estimates for when the next ch will be posted in the notes at the end of each ch, so i don't really like getting comments or messages just going "when will the next ch be up??" because....i say right in the notes lol. at the same time, i know i'm in an unusual timezone so i don't mind messages asking me to clarify what time i usually post etc just so that they can know, as long as they're not like. asking me to post faster or at a specific time.

anyway, there's not really any hard and fast rule for what to say or not say, it just comes down to tone--and i think it's important to keep in mind that like. we are strangers and so even if you're sending a message that is meant to be joking or not meant to be pressuring, that tone won't always come through when i don't know you personally. and also, like i said, a lot of these types of comments wouldn't even register if not for the fact that there's a bunch of them and it starts to build up. i'm not trying to police how people comment on fics or what like...you are or aren't allowed to say, just trying to figure out the best way to ask people to please be conscious of how it comes across when they make these types of comments asking me to post more or post faster or telling me how hard/difficult it is for them to wait around for me to write more, etc.

[astralartefact]

dawntrail fanfest thoughts (& prayers) Part II London

(Part I >> here)

Pour one out for Krile, I miss her.

My opinion hasn't really changed so far, still pretty optimistic over here. I didn't really get anything I really wanted (except for one thing, we'll get to it), but the things I didn't really like weren't catastrophic either, so... Let's just get into it.

Viper I don't know if I like this more or less than I would have liked Corsair (which I wouldn't have liked bc I think pirates are boring). I like the concept of the two combined swords and I think it could look very flashy, but from what I've seen so far I'm not particularly interested, the in-game job trailer really didn't do anything for me.

I guess it's because this job seems very very FF16 to me but in a bad way. Lore and Realism but with fantasy fire effects just doesn't really make for an iconic aesthetic imo... but hey, maybe they just hid the best parts from the job introduction video, they showed like two or three skills at most lol. But who knows.

But as long as I get my Green Mage/Pictomancer I'm not going to complain too much about this one. Good for the people who really love this! Love that for you!

My Green Mage/Pictomancer Hopes and Dreams Koji said "We should look to his [Yoshi-P's] hints from last fanfest" for the remaining job - so Pictomancer is still possible!!!!!! It's not over until it's over!!!

I once again realize that I shouldn't have gotten myself attached to something that might not actually be happening. If they don't do Green Mage/They do Green Mage wrong I will be so disappointed lol

It's just that I can see them do your average generic Druid instead because 'something something we need to cater to a western audience now bc FF16, Final Fantasy legacy stuff is cringe actually so we need to make everything generic western fantasy to be taken seriously' and I'm very much not here for that. Just give me a charming little Green Mage with a big staff or maybe with a judge's mallet - or maybe like one of those shogun war fans??? But I'll take whatever, even the weird ugly little gimmick you're bound to come up with.

The Limited Job Beastmaster and if it's not it better be something truly out there and not just some half-assed BS. Yoshi-P, you have to show the community you listen just a little bit, it's getting dire out here.

Eliminator Is it just me being desperate for Hamauzu-based Remixes or does this thing exude FF13 energy... Makes me wonder if the Tural-based Technology we've seen in that one dungeon art might be FF13 inspired? I just hope it isn't just Allagan again, make it another nation that lived around that time.

The Areas Kozama'uka looks really pretty... I love when fantasy background elements you can't even reach are "too big" (like FF7 Remake's Midgar Skyboxes) - so I guess Shaaloani still has a chance to win me over depending on whatever we find there. Speaking of which: Shaaloani is exactly what I pictured/dreaded a New World based expansion would look like and I do not particularly like it, I was hoping we would be save from bargain bin wild west stuff at least until we went to Northern Tural. I also hope that the pseudo-oil stuff is just lore and won't be a big part of the msq because good gravy Yoshi-P hire a diversity consultant already I'm dying over here.

The Graphics Update Now let's give it up for the real MVP of the day for all of us no graphic mod people (and to the graphic mod people that complain 'we already had that for years', quit your yappin, 85% of you don't have taste anyways.) The new lighting stuff looks amazing - especially what they did with the fog, it looks gorgeous, I'm so excited. The lighting updates on the character models look so good, too... I think you can really see the difference in that picture they showed of the femRoe scholar in the new AF gear. And the glow up on Midlander Face 1 is amazing. Is that even allowed?? This was slumbering under there all this time???

The Alliance Raid Let's just all pretend we never thought Sakaguchi was going to do them (even though he literally said he wouldn't want to do one) and never talk about it again.

Anyways. FF11. Leaving the best thing for last - this is the thing I was really happily surprised by.

I'm so happy for FF11 :) That game has it fcking rough. It's constantly the one Final Fantasy game that's just. Not even considered. Even what we would reasonably call "Real" FF fans always just leave it out of everything because "MMO" (of course ever since shb that became "the worse MMO" instead) and casual gamers - even ones that play certain FF games - probably don't even realize that nobody ever talks about 11.

But it has so many cool concepts that would warrant a treatment like Eden with FF8 - meanwhile FF14 is directly built on things 11 provided, so many of our base fundamentals, so many generic mob designs, so many of our job concepts, so many things we just take for granted come from FF11 but it still never really got the same attention as the other FFs. Yeah, Eureka and Bozja are kind of based on it, but the way it is referenced is just so different from how most of the other FFs are represented in the game - it's always just the other MMO and it deserves to be treated the same as the others: as the mainline Final Fantasy game that it is.

So I hope they give it the respect it deserves. I need these to be better than Ivalice, just so FF11 gets enshrined somewhere in some way. Their legacy is on the line, Yoshida, so don't fuck it up!!!!! And make sure to include Memoro de la Stono because I like it!!!

I do hope they don't just make one of the Reflections actual FF11 Vana'diel though, I think that would be kind of lazy, it only worked with Y:DA and even there I'm the only person who liked that because I think Kingdom Hearts Bullshit Timeline Shenanigans are fun. I hope this is a FF14 version of Vana'diel like how Ivalice is our Ivalice - with certain concepts reinterpreted through our lense while others reappear almost identically, similar to the FF12 summons.

Now, I haven't actually played 11, I'm just a passionate bystander in all of this, but the one recommendation on things 11 I can give is the Record Keeper version of Awakening - most Record Keeper arrangements are amazing (see FF13's Blinding Light) but this is definitely one of their best.

Anyways! I'm really excited for what they do with it! I don't have any particular fear they're going to fuck the raids up, from a pure spectacle standpoint (the only standpoint that matters) they generally only get better. (except for eulogia) (fuck eulogia) I do hope they make them a little more challenging again, but I also won't be mad if they don't. Just don't ruin your own lore again like with Eulogia (fuck eulogia)! Also, I would love to see the Ark Angels, especially their armors as raid drops kthxbye <3

[killtheroach]

#0541

lately, it's become hard to separate myself from other people's actions. i thought i had it all figured out. it's one thing to hate the world. it's rational, in some ways even poetic. but to hate oneself? it's almost considered idiotic. i wish i'm allowed to hate myself. i know i've got a handful of reasons to be. but it gets so lonely being the only one and people looking at me like self-loathing is some sort of a contagious disease. i suppose it kind of is. what can i do? i've gotten tired of counting to ninety and doing maths in my head. it's not working anymore. my ideations are back, and they're getting really bad. maybe it's just the time of the year. it's only a month more, and i bet i'll be all better again. i just need to be really, really careful. i really just wish people had been kinder lately. my paranoia around his lies has been scratching the insides of my skull again. that's the problem with lies and the logic of it. you say one, and everything else is. or not, it's hard to say. the lie made it impossible to distinguish where the truth starts. this is why i should never expect oranges from apple trees, or is it the other way around? i'll try to remind myself of it more, and turnips and rocks and blood. i'm so tired, there's so many things i have to remind myself of. these consequences, they're not even mine to endure. what can i do? i'm so scared and tired, and it's so tempting to just clock out like he said. time is supposed to be stretchy and malleable, but it's just goopy and sometimes thin and runny. have i told you about the pool of blood i kept imagining in my hand? how its tiny pool gradually covered both my palms till it's spilling off the cup of my hands. it's dark and crimson red, but somehow kind of thin and runny, like time can be. anyway, i came to realize the blood was my own, and idk i guess i never realized all the self-inflicted pain i cost myself. i realized as well how foreign the concept of forgiveness actually is for me. somehow, the meaning of it escaped my brain i had to look it up. and even then, i didn't really understand how it works. by definition, it's just letting go of the negative emotions tied to a certain wrongdoing, but it doesn't mean forgetting or not holding the perp accountable anymore. from what i understood, it's just a decision to not feel bad anymore, but wouldn't that mean lying to myself? because how can one ever feel better about something done wrong? idk i hope someone explains it to me better before i die. i saw the sky at dawn earlier, the colors were really pretty but more on the warmer side. i personally like it better on the cooler tones, hbu? i realized i never got to ask bc it thought it's always just cool tones. like my paintings, purples and blues, and cool pinks. but the pinks earlier were a bit on the peachy side, weird how one color made it look entirely different. so which one?

[krs724490]

4.25.2025

typing bc honestly moving my hand to write feels like a lot of energy that I dont have. I'm here to talk to myself, to be with myself. Because in a way, I realize I hold this alone. No one will understand what I'm going through except me. Its my lived experience. Everyone else will hold me to the standards of society and what I should do. and there is a part of me thats resistant. My nervous system was so out of whack wednesday. I couldnt sleep that night and I had zero caffeine. all because of daniel. all because of the possibility of him. the way that men take over my life once I have one in mind is so jarring. maybe emily murzyn is right

I have heard your famous line of “I wouldn’t go on a date if it was just anybody but bc it’s him..” with a lot of your exes too”

that stung. I've had so much hope for each of my exes. I also didn't know any of them the way I've known daniel. but I also do not know daniel. but also what I see checks my boxes in an entirely different way. the way that I now know matters most. that he sees and feels me in the way that I am as a yoga instructor. I think that may be the most important criteria. he's also handsome and nice. its hard to feel an old pattern arising and relate to it slightly different every time and that is also part of the pattern. its hard to have hope and watch it feel through over and over again.

I think there is a middle path. I want to get to know him, but at a slow pace. I want there to be space. I want to tend to my nervous system. I want to allow more investigation and curiosity rather than forming solid stories around who I think he is and what we could be together. I want to stay connected to the reality of what we actually are.

So far I have done that. I have let the connection come to me. and I've felt it. It runs through my whole body. I wasn't reaching. Not until recently. and it feels less like reaching and more like meeting him where we are. I like the dance that we do. Its charged and beautiful. and I can feel its going to shift. I feel it has to shift. What a place to be.

It already feels like an energetic coming home. I've felt him. In classes. Mostly his energy toward me has been so appreciative and kind. I can tell he thinks I'm so special. I'm overwhelmed because I can feel us just falling into step. I already feel comfortable enough to intertwine my whole body with his without blinking. Without hesitating or wondering how to approach. Even when he asked me about my cupping marks and I said, "do you see this?" as I turned my back and showed him by the water dispenser. I stayed close to him because I feel so comfortable being close to him. I want to be close to him.

It feels like electricity. it feels like charge. and I guess I dont pick the timing. and the new navigation is how do I work with this romanticized story. How can I preserve and maintain myself. My independence. My friends. I love how much he has his own life and that he fills it. I am fully convinced right now that this is it. and thats fucking insane. doing the same things and expecting different outcomes, definition of insanity.

I must really embody the idea of I dont know. I dont know him. I dont know what will happen. ok im exhausting myself. love u bye