#i'm probably not very articulate right now but honestly who cares

[silvexus]

Thinking about how fandom tends to forget that powerful characters can be... gentle, yes, but also they can be a little pathetic. Specifically, Alex Mercer from Prototype. Yeah, he’s absurdly strong physically, but emotionally he’s a mess. He has no sense of internal purpose other than Find Information and Do Whatever Someone (Usually a Woman; Usually Dana) Tells Him To Do. The only thing he really has his own initiative for is hunting down Karen Parker after her betrayal and taking the FIREBREAK nuke out over the Atlantic. There’s really a solid chance that the more people and information he collects, he’ll eventually end up like WOPR’s series of tic-tac-toe games and just become paralysed because every move he could potentially make could bring Blackwatch back down on him and his sister. He’s the most power individual on the planet except maybe PARIAH and that means nothing because power means nothing when you are physically outnumbered. Maybe he has nothing to fear personally, but everyone around him? Vulnerable. And no one is strong enough for that. Not even ZEUS. Really. What could be worse than that? What could be better?

[abyssalzones]

i am so bad with words but ough. you get it. YOU GET IT!!! fords story is SUCH a compelling narrative on abuse and the recovery afterwards. i don’t think i realized how impactful it really was tho until a) reading your tbob review google doc (you articulate yourself so well and i loved hearing your thoughts on it!!) and b) those pages in tbob where the pines talk about bill (the pages where Mabel is dipping bill in guac like a chip lol). ive been in the gf fandom since i was 13 and bill was always always my fav character (who i was definitely not unhealthily obsessed with) so hearing that tbob was coming out was like a dream. i then read tbob and before I got to those pine pages i was kinda thinking like the rest of the fandom like “oh hehe these guys are exes” and then i read those pine pages and especially the part where ford says that he doesn’t have to feel shame anymore talking about his experience with bill… really hit me?? and then the sudden tonal whiplash when bill starts talking again hit me harder and something just clicked. like oh! bill is an abuser. oh my god. bill ABUSED ford. like it wasn’t just “omg hehe divorce <33 omg they’re exes <33”. like bill manipulated and used and abused this guy who’s been so insecure his entire life about something he couldn’t help and has always felt excluded and was so so desperate for praise and love. and for the first time in my stupid ass brain it clicked at just how awful and monstrous that is. so yeah. idk you probs don’t care and I’m sorry for filling ur inbox with nonsense lol but tldr you are one of a few people who actually grasp and understand fords character and treats his story about abuse with the care and respect it deserves. so… thank you? i love your art btw.

— sincerely someone who relates to ford pines a little too much

NO I DO CARE. I CARE A LOT

honestly asks like these make me feel like articulating myself is actually worth it in any capacity. I don't go into writing for the sake of changing people's minds since I know a lot of people likely won't be swayed by some stranger's essay on the internet about a cartoon, so it feels like I'm asking to get super frustrated if I think of it that way. but then every once in a while (mainly now, this is a very new phenomenon to me) I get to hear feedback like this and it shocks me every time. it's awesome to me when people go on a whole character arc about a piece of fiction because it reassures me that even in this little microcosm instance people often just don't have a moment where it clicks for them, and it could just take some time or the right set of circumstance. idk. probably a little melodramatic but I think it's cool + I like when people are good readers!

anyway, thank you!! this really made my morning :D

[chuuyaandreaderkilldazai]

Ranking JJK Characters I Don't Like

Ranging from mild dislike (14) to LOATHE WITH EVERY INCH OF MY BEING (1).

14. Mai: I don't hate her. I sympathize with her. I just wish she wasn't the way she is.

13. Junpei: I do have compassion for him, but ... school shooter vibes. Not a fan.

12. Noritoshi: Bad vibes.

11. Toji: Bad dad. And he's so nosy, too. Why does he always insert himself into situations with his fists swinging? Actually, now that I think about it, that's kind of iconic behavior. But all it ever really did was create more problems. If he had never inserted himself into the plot, Geto would have probably never turned mass-murderer-cult-leader--WE COULD HAVE HAD EVERYTHING. So it's a pass for me. Also, his haircut is off-putting for reasons I cannot articulate. It's like one day in middle school he got a haircut and just never changed up the style ever again.

10. Jogo: Ugly.

9. Uraume: Character design: slay. Helping Sukuna: not slay.

8. Like every adult from the Zenin clan: BECAUSE THEY SUCK.

7. Tengen: Old and entitled.

6. Kenjaku: Old and entitled part two. What gives him the right?

5. Sukuna: Horrid, nasty man. I feel like I shouldn't have to elaborate.

4. Ui Ui: Annoying. Literally, why are you even here?

3. Mei Mei: First of all, how am I supposed to take you seriously with that stupid braid hanging in front of your face? From the very instant her character was introduced, I did not like her, but I thought maybe I was being a woman hater for no reason, so I really did try to tolerate her. But when we finally saw that scene in season two. PRISON!!! I was right. She's the worst. We are not gonna ignore that. Check her files.

2. That thing with the blond side ponytail: I hate him so much I don't even know his name. I don't care to know it. I would say why do you as a man look like that, but honestly why do you as a HUMAN BEING look like that? Why do you act like that? Why are you skipping around wearing a poorly made DIY toga? Whole nip is hanging out, and no one asked to see that. Why are you HOLDING HANDS with your blade? Freak. There is something so intrinsically, inherently, ONTOLOGICALLY wrong with him, you can't even blame it on childhood trauma or a personality disorder. The only time I ever supported Sukuna was when he bullied this emaciated Jo Jo Siwa lookin' thing in Shibuya.

Mahito: I hate him so much. I hate him more than I've ever hated any character. I actually lose the ability to speak coherently when I think about him because I hate him so much. I think it's so cringe when try-hard dudes say, "When I'm angry all I see is red." But when I think about Mahito it really is like blood and pure rage cloud my vision. He is literally the embodiment of if you gave an edge lord psychopathic eleven year old the power to kill people. "Wee, I'm so powerful and killing people is just SoooOoOoOoOOOo much fun!!" SHUT UP!!!!!!!! SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!! YOU ARE NOT FUNNY. YOU ARE NOT CUTE. YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL IN ANY WAY. He is genuinely the most irritating character I have ever come across. And as the story progresses, he just gets worse. What do you mean he can duplicate himself? Now we have to deal with TWO of this wretched creature? What do you mean he can be decapitated AND HIS HEAD WILL SPROUT LIMBS AND SPRINT AWAY? STOOOOOOOOOP. AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHAT HAPPENED TO NANAMI--I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. Mahito is such a nasty, slithy, bothersome, despicable, nauseating little cockroach. "Yuji, you and I are the same." Huh? You thought you did something there, didn't you? You thought you ate and came up with some kind of deep, revolutionary concept? It's giving pretentious philosophy dude who thinks he's superior for being a little contrarian, nihilistic Nietzsche butt licker. When Yuji finally humbled him, I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed seeing the fear in his eyes. For one brief, fleeting moment, I could finally understand what sadists must feel like. Honestly, we deserved to watch him suffer, and I wish he would have suffered far more for far longer. Rot in anguish, Mahito. You will not be missed nor forgiven.

[jojosquires]

I mean, but for why?

So, as is the way of this site, I've been seeing more and more Reverse!Robin AU breakdowns recently and... I just can't. (Disclaimer: Like what you like, I don't care... It's your life don't let others dictate your taste AKA this is my opinion and I'm allowed to have it just like you're allowed to have yours)

Why? Why? Why? Why does almost everyone just flipflop Tim and Jason's stories, huh? Everyone else still gets to be themselves (Damian is still grumpy yet skilled, Dick still gets to be an acrobat that lost his parents (though his anger gets downplayed, but that's a regular fanon issue not relegated to just this AU)). Tim always, always seems to have to be the one who dies in this AU and becomes Red Hood (except for like... Two that I've seen) and Jason comes in and takes Tim's "save Batman" role. Which, inevitably, leads right back to the fanon Jason&Tim dynamic that I'm also just.... So tired of.

It's just... Such a fundamental misunderstanding of their characters (not the least of which is due to the fact that Tim's hero is always Dick moreso than anyone else... So why would he even become a vigilante here unless the circus happens at a weird time?). Tim is not five seconds from a homicidal rampage. Even when he's close to murder he pulls back (usually of his own accord... Drags other people away from it too). Honestly, compared to the rest of the Batfam he's got decent mental health a lot of the time with some very reasonable rough patches. Jason has a lot of trauma already from dealing with piss poor adults. He's not emotionally prepared enough to be the light to Batman's darkness if he just lost a different Robin. It's also kinda why he shouldn't have been put in the Robin suit right away. Dick needed justice when he took on Robin and then learned to do the same for others over time. Jason needed a home and to see how systemic issues can be solved through investment in the community and social change. Beating up thugs in Gotham doesn't solve the injustice Jason had to deal with as a child (poverty and homelessness and drugs and domestic abuse). (Sorry, I think that's a separate rant and doesn't mean I don't think Jason should've been Robin... Just that the justice he needs for his childhood trauma is different than Dick's or Damian's or even Steph and Cass)

So, yeah, I don't know. In general, I really just dislike this AU as a whole. In comics, I think characters reign over story because there are hundreds of different storylines. If your characters suck... The story probably is gonna die out anyway. So, flipping the script on these characters just invalidates a lot of other characters. A ripple effect.

Jason and Tim are both great characters on their own. Jason's story as Red Hood makes way more sense than it ever would for Tim. Please stop molding them together. It makes both of them worse.

That's it. Sorry for the rant. I just really dislike how interchangeable all the Bat fandom makes Jason and Tim.

Others can probably articulate this better, but I need drive to work and I'd rather think about the next scene I'm writing than this. So, now that this is out in the void, I can focus.

Also, if I see "Jason is Tim's Robin" one more time today...I think I might go on an entirely different rant. It won't be as polite, I think.

[lususnatura]

✿

OOH, okay, okay... so you want to know two headcanons i have regarding our muses relationship, hmm? alright — well, buckle your seatbelts, because we are about to go on a WILD ride here!! / j LOL no, i'm kidding, but i would be more than happy to share some i have with you right now and thank you so much for sending this prompt :D i'm going to do it in list form because i just think that'd be fun!

okay, but whenever i was first thinking about what sibyl's and blamore's relationship dynamic might be like, i have to say that i imagined them being the type of frenemies (at least in the beginning like we talked about) who care a bit for each other in a covert sense. and i don't know why, BUT all i could imagine is sibyl dragging blamore out to a party or a club at night; if it was not acting like itself specifically because it was having problems with love in an attempt to 'cheer him up.' which... you know, is actually kind of sweet, honestly. though i could see sibyl possibly saying that they're only doing it because he's 'cramping their style' or something, perhaps? LOL though i think blamore would also attempt to cheer sibyl up if they were in a similar situation with love. though he would take a... very different approach to this, to say the least. it'd probably encourage them to break plates and go do something fun to 'forget about them.' and by that, i mean stuff like going to swing on some swings or playing games because honestly? i feel like both of those things are underrated. but they could really make someone feel better, anyhow (,: OH and i also think that the both of them might secretly hate the person who made them upset?¿ however, they may not be able to articulate that at first tehe.

as for my second headcanon for these two, it's that blamore may ask sibyl for fashion advice sometimes. because although it may not be willing to say this aloud now... he thinks that their sense of fashion is so one-of-a-kind, it's amazing. but this may translate into blamore ripping on it to hide that fact deep down inside of himself haha 💀 BUT anyhow, like i was saying, i feel as if it would go to sibyl and model outfits in front of them / ask them what they think because he genuinely does not know whether something looks good or not sometimes. and admittedly, it does trust sibyl's judgment in this light, as well as maybe several others. but SHH don't told them i said that lolll

so yeah! that's about all i have for the two headcanons you asked for for these two, though i hoped you liked them (: it was honestly a LOT of fun for me to finally put these concepts down tbh.

[sincelastsession]

I'm still upset. I don't want to be upset. I had plans. Now I'm under a stupid weighted blanket still upset. And it wasn't that big of a thing but im triggered to fuck and I can't figure out where I got triggered at specifically.

I mean it was probably a combo.

I talked to Travis and basically had a meltdown. He's really good at listening and I can have a clear conversation with him. He also has a brother my age with Autism that he grew up with so I feel that that is why it's so easy to explain shit to him and be heard and understood.

He and other people I know who have had very hard lives are easier to talk to and relate to.

I have a very hard time communicating with your average neurotypical person.

I'm still frustrated that therapy didn't go as planned in my head. I know that's silly but I'd mentally prepared myself. I got thrown off. I started with something I wasn't really ready to get into and it snowballed into stuff that was too much and I was too anxious and when the anxiety starts it knocks everything over like dominoes like a Rube Goldberg machine from hell.

I'm angry. I'm so angry at everything.

I'm in my stupid bed still crying. I don't feel 37 right now.

Sure I articulate many things and pretty much over communicate or whatever at least I've been told that. I've been told every single lady thing everyone thinks is wrong with me.

I don't feel like there's anything I do right.

I'd planned to get food, go to the post office. Talk to the front office about kids unattended in the pool but the answering service last night didn't seem to care about it. I had this whole list of shit I needed to do and I feel stupid laying here crying under a weighted blanket wanting to unzip from my skin suit sort of feeling.

I feel defeated.

I'm scared that all this is just gonna go like it usually does which I cannot explain I can just recognize the patterns

I'm scared if it doesn't work out then there's no one really left who wants my case and I do miss my last EMDR therapist and I wish we'd get the charts and you could possibly chat with her.

I don't know what therapy system you're trying with me vs what she (Johanna Martinez-Rink) employed.

I feel like there's never enough time but I'd like to go at a slower pace but I feel rushed like it's always been a race to become "fixed"

No one ever looked at what they were doing that I was mirroring and projecting at an early age and thought "oh I am the problem" They just threw me in therapy and onto the next therapist or psychiatrist and inpatient because I wasn't "fixed"

I didn't do anything to deserve that.

How do you get therapy for therapy trauma too?

How do I teach you about me and how to treat me and vice versa without this happening again.

It's hard to be truly known and understood but it's harder to be truly known and understood and trust that you've been seen and heard the way you need to be.

Dr. Todd told me I process out loud. The concussion really got me there. I hadn't done it to this extent before.

I remember how I was before but I can't make myself go back to it.

Honestly ok I hot no contact wrong. I'm pissed that my boundaries were crossed when I clearly set them.

I'd like to have good communication with my family. I don't want to have to do no contact.

But it doesn't seem to matter what I do.

I know locus of control and I know circle of control.

I can't control shit. I've never had the upper hand. I do fight I do get defensive. I can be a huge bitch. I'll admit it.

Do I feel bad abt it? Most of it.

Do I think it's deserved sometimes? Yes

Do I think I need justice for what has been done to me? Yes.

And I've had to fight and stand up for myself my entire life. There was no one there.

You don't know but like a tiny fraction of it.

I don't even feel like a person half the time. I don't know what is ME.

I don't know where my inner child is.

It to my understanding that I didn't hit psychosocial stages correctly

I don't think people understand the difference between negativity and the cptsd brain that is looking for things and wired all wrong.

How can I be so observant and still not be in control? Am I having a dissociative disorder of some sort? Is it this is it that?

Should I just hope my dad lives long enough and go to school and get my lcsw etc and try to treat myself? Could I handle school? Probably not right now. Do I actually need to be doing EMDR? Oh Probably but I can't find a therapist that takes medicaid and I can't afford out of pocket.

I live on 943.00 a month. I try to save 300-400.00 a month in case of emergency mostly for my therapy cats that alert me on their own like good babies. Groceries even on a budget aren't cheap. I'm trying not to kick the eating disorder up. I never wanna deal with inpatient again I don't care how fancy those places are been there done that almost died because they didn't know what they were doing and had all these ideas about me that weren't true.

People talking about diets or rudely making mention of what I choose to eat is so incredibly triggering.

I feel like no matter how hard I try everyone just hates me or secretly does and won't just tell me their problem.

My father idk what he will say. He is a wildcard. He acts like a dry drunk. His side of the family back through generations has had mental disorders that meds other than anxiety meds just didn't touch. Usually his problems with me are his doing and he views everything I say as a threat or controlling or a criticism despite me trying to get him to understand I'm neurodivergent. He doesn't believe I have anything wrong and that I'm faking. He resents me and I've had my last emdr therapist point out the resentment everyone holds. According to mom he hates me because I'm like him. I don't know what that means. I don't have a very good sense of self but I know what I'm not. I'm not him. I don't aspire to be him. He doesn't know how to show me compassion or empathy.

My mom will do the typical shit she always does. Act clueless and point fingers at me. Gets mad and leaves when I talk about various subjects that she just avoids answering

My sister is the best actress. She's the one that will play up to a therapist and act innocent and escalate shit twist it and point the finger at me so mom and dad jump my ass.

She used to say I hit her and smile when my parents would scream at me. I never did anything to her as a little kid. She damaged a 2k laptop I had just been gifted by a friend. Kicked the screen. Never got fixed. She steals my things and my mom's things. She's a compulsive liar. She has absolutely no real idea of my traumas. She has been very lucky to have never been in positions I was in. It hurts to see her fucking her life up engaged due to me helping so it wouldn't be a bad experience because her fiancé is a fucking idiot. Everyone favors her because she knows how to manipulate them. I'm watching her do many of the things I did that were stupid. I really don't trust much of what she says. She really is a good liar. It's hard to tell. She has become more like my father in many ways towards me. I'm sure she's been experiencing a small fraction of the abuse I had bit she abusing and pushing limits at home with my dad. Bringing friends over to stay till morning partying etc. She thinks she owns the house and has gotten in my mom's face abt it.

I'm not trying to trash these people. I'm going to tell you more and more of what has happened to me. It's a lot. Sometimes it's easier to say that I have much more lore than ppl think. Some of it I easily mention and other bits not so easy. But I want people to know. I want people to know. I'm too old to be saved. I wish I wasn't. I wish I could start over with what I know now. I'd be more prepared. I'd change things I cannot change now.

[s-the-seething-songbird-2]

Logs for Thomas, Part 2. Log #1

What the fuck, dude? What the actual fuck?

You hate me? ME? For what?

I can't. I can't even-

Okay, let me collect my thoughts while I write all this down because I have a LOT to say and want to be as articulate as possible. I also need to be careful about what I say because the last thing I need is for someone to try being Sherlock Holmes and figure out who I am irl. There probably wouldn't be any true damage done if they did--all of this happened a long time ago, I'm genuinely remorseful, this is very personal to me, and I've worked very hard to be a better person--but it would be annoying.

So let's recap. Shay came back, said she wanted to be friends again. I was suspicious but agreed and profusely apologized for hurting her in the affair all those years ago. She started messaging me every day for a month, and for a little bit, it felt like old times, like all of that horrifying trauma never happened for either of us. She mentioned that she would be okay with you and I talking again as long as I respected her boundaries and promised I wouldn't hurt her like that ever again.

And you WHAT?

Are you kidding me? Are you serious? You'd been wanting to talk to me again for YEARS, and now? I'm so confused, and SO angry. My fingers are shaking as I type this.

We were SO CLOSE to being friends again! What the fuck? I don't get it, I don't understand.

"Yeah, he hates you," she said, smiling. "I'll just be honest, he fucking hates you. He might not want to talk to you again, ever."

I ASKED BECAUSE I THOUGHT SHE WAS GOING TO SAY NO AND I WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE IRRATIONALLY ANXIOUS ABOUT IT ANYMORE. fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck!

My whole world shattered. Instantly. I couldn't even breathe. There you were, sitting in that room with her--which I didn't know at first, by the way--and you never want to talk to me again?

God, and I cried on camera. I tried so hard not to because I was afraid of looking weak in the moment, but that destroyed me, Thomas. Granted, it wasn't permanent because I'm still here, but. Fuck, man.

Can you explain to me how your behavior over the past five years has made ANY fucking sense? I can't figure it out. I can't figure either of you out, honestly.

I'm, sorry, I don't want to be an asshole, but really? Really?

My boyfriend seems to think that you don't really hate me, that you really just hate yourself and don't want to face your feelings about how everything went down. I don't know if he's right or not, but it did keep me from going to the hospital that night, so there's that.

My girlfriend seems to agree with him, going on to add that maybe part of the reason I'm still having a hard time letting all of this go is because there were several other traumatic events occurring in my life at the time that you and Shay left me, and that, if I don't heal from those other events, I might not ever be able to let go of this, either.

My therapist agrees that the idea is very insightful, as trauma tends to string together with other trauma in times of crisis.

But what about Shay? I'm so confused, and hurt, and I thought we were doing the right thing! But it didn't matter, because, like you, she fucking left.

Shit, I'm trembling so badly. I need to take my meds, hold on.

And, apparently, she was cussing out Nic in the final messages to us because he was trying to reassure her? What's that about? According to him, he even sent her some info on breathing techniques to help her calm down, and that's how she reacts?

Understandably, it made him pretty mad, and he became protective of the rest of us because he wasn't sure whether or not she was going to say/do anything that would further traumatize us, especially me. Tyson was concerned about this, too, so he suggested that we exited the app and gave her a couple of days to cool off before contacting her again. So, we did. And then, when we opened the app again days later, she was gone. No account, no messages, nothing.

At first, we were unblocked on everything else, so we came to the conclusion that she just temporarily blocked us for the time being, and that we should give her some space, that she'd come around later and apologize.

Then, in the weeks following, slowly, every account we had contact with her on was blocked, and blocked, and blocked.

I'm just. What? I can't make rational sense of it. How could she care so much and then end up hating us all over again?

Maybe that's a bit of an assumption, I don't know. For all I know, she could be in the hospital again.

But Tyson (who I'll sometimes refer to with the nickname "Ty," same person) cares for her so deeply, and so do I, and Jack, and Nic. We didn't really tell anyone else Shay contacted us again because we weren't sure if it would last, and that if it didn't, our whole system would be traumatized all over again. God, I hate being right.

We're so worried about her. The last time she spoke with us, it's become increasingly clear that she wasn't... sound of mind when she reached out to reconcile. It did seem to get worse the longer we talked, too. I think we were so stupidly hopeful that Jack and I ignored the signs without knowing it.

I'm worried about you, too. Jack has mentioned multiple times that he doesn't want to talk to you ever again, and Nic has agreed, but honestly? With enough time? Maybe they would have come around.

But it doesn't matter now. That window of time when you could have come back without needing to hide our friendship from Shay has closed.

At least I got to tell her I was sorry, though. I got some closure from that.

And then I was abandoned again and was so fucked up over it that I needed my meds' dosage increased twofold, BUT! The important thing is that I did what was right.

I want to say more about Shay SO badly because I think she's given me some insight into what's been going on with you two, and I have some theories about what's going on with her specifically, but a) I'm not a doctor, b) I don't want anyone else to find out who SHE is irl and be able to tell other people about a bunch of personal things about her that I doubt she'd be comfortable with me disclosing at all. Which sucks, because if you ever do happen to stumble on this--which I doubt, considering that the first blog of mine was deleted, so the logic follows from your perspective that I wouldn't make another one--I want to offer some advice for how to help her. But, as I've stated, I can't. Not here.

And, yes, I'm aware that whatever ideas I have, there's a good chance you've tried it already. You know her far better than I do, after all, and you can actually see her in person, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't try and help, because I WANT to, Thomas. I want to help you guys. God, you have no idea how badly I wish I could offer support or something. I hate that y'all are suffering, and there's nothing I can do to help. I've learned so much over the years, and have done a staggering amount of research--did you know that research into mental health has never been more prevalent in all of human civilization than it is now?--and am very confident that I could be helpful somehow, if only to point you in the right direction for cost-effective treatment. But, of course, if you guys never accept it, I've done all I can do.

Also, what do you hate me for? I'm so confused. Is it because I blocked you on Instagram? You remember why I did that, right? Because I set a boundary that I didn't want to hear from you again until you could do so without the need to be secretive about it? And you violated that boundary? Several times? The last one having such a profound impact on me that my partners asked me to go no contact with you?

And then when you had the opportunity to form a normal, genuine, honest friendship with me again for the first time since all hell broke loose, you did NOTHING?

I'm so... disappointed in you. And so hurt. And I just. God, I wish I didn't care anymore. I wish I could stop feeling anything about this. And yet, here I am!

At least things aren't too mentally bad for me. Heaven and I reintegrated a while back once she accepted reality, and I think that was an important step in my recovery. But that also means that this. shit. fucking. HURTS.

I feel so pathetic. I've done EMDR, I'm in the middle of a DBT workbook, I've processed how ALL of this has made me feel over the years with friends, family, mental health professionals, crisis line volunteers, and it. Still. Hurts. At least now, I can live like a normal person most days.

Do I come to the conclusion that you just don't care about my feelings anymore? You don't care if what you do hurts people? You won't take responsibility for your actions and be mature about this? You're going to be holding this baggage for years to come? Do I conclude that I've simply outgrown you?

Well, no. Because I can't. I care about you too much. I have to believe that there's some benign explanation behind all of this.

But I looked at the old thumbdrive that I put all of our conversations on (because I couldn't look at any of it anymore without being reminded of everything, and I usually have a bad brain day when that happens, but I also couldn't being myself to delete it), and I've noticed some interesting patterns.

You'd return out of nowhere, when I was least expecting it.

You'd usually return in the mornings, only to block us and disappear again during nighttime, regardless of how long you'd stay.

The tone of your words was almost never consistent from previous times you returned. In some, you'd be chipper and lighthearted, and in others, you were morose and nihilistic, and in the rest, you were just... downright mean to me.

The second our conversations became uncomfortable in any way, including or especially when I pointed out how certain things you've done hurt me, you'd leave again pretty much immediately.

Are you just angry at me because my Tumblr was deleted? Because I did not do that. Tumblr did. (They were upset that I was shittalking Manscaped, a huge sponsor of theirs a while ago. Apparently making fun of frequent and pervy advertising qualifies as "harassment". But I won't do that again, I've learned my lesson, blah blah blah.) I became so upset with Tumblr for a while that I was refusing to rejoin, and it's not like I was able to message you to explain why my blog disappeared in the first place. Because I'm blocked everywhere.

I think what angers me most about this is that I STILL don't know the whole story. So many questions remain unanswered, and they probably will indefinitely. Worse yet, I have a feeling that it's partly because there are some answers that I really don't want to know. Jesus, this would be the worst film noire ever.

You know what, though? That's life. Life is full of unanswered questions. And the answers you DO get just keep hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting and hurting. I suppose part of learning how to be a healthy, functional member of society is accepting that.

And, actually, I think I was wrong when I said that it's the unsolved questions that anger me most. Because, again, looking through our old conversations and comparing them with what our exchanges were like during the affair, it struck me how different they were. How could you go from so caring, compassionate, empathetic, and honest to cold, callous, vague, and rude? Especially because you KNEW how deeply your words mattered to me, and how they would affect me. Because I told you. I told you over and over, and you either forgot, didn't listen, or actively used my mental illness against me. I don't know which one scares me the most.

But, yeah, if you wanted to know why I said no when Shay suggested I speak to you face to face, it's because I know enough about myself now that if you would have said one mean thing to me--hell, if I so much as got the impression that you breathed in a disapproving way--I absolutely would have ended up in a psyche ward. It didn't help that, after Shay told me you hated me, I starting having one of the worst panic attacks of my life, and I just had to sit there like I was just sad and not at all freaking the fuck out, feeling like I was going to die.

You know what, though? I would never do this to someone. I would never promise them all these wonderful things, not follow through, and then abandon them. And then come back, and then abandon them again. And then do it at LEAST seven more times. And then, when a stable connection is finally available, just say, "fuck it" and leave them to their own devices.

That's why I'm so scared to talk to you again. Because I know you'll just leave, but I'll lie to myself that you really mean it this time, that things will be different, but they won't. And my fear of abandonment will only worsen the next time it happens. If you had asked me years ago if talking to you on occasion was worth it, even if it was unstable, and I had no idea if I'd still find you there in the morning, I would have said yes, a thousand times yes. But even when you WERE here, I was constantly scared that if I said the wrong thing, you'd get mad at me and leave again to punish me for it. And, sure, I know that probably wasn't your intent, but that's pretty much what it felt like.

Did you know that I've had mental breakdowns in the middle of shifts at work? Do you know how much more trauma I've been through over these past few years, and how desperately I wished you were there for me, but I knew deep down that I would never be able to rely on you in that way? Do you know that my boyfriend almost died a couple years ago? Do you know how little I recognize my dad anymore because of what conspiracy theories have done to his mind? Do you know that, one time, when you came back for about fifteen minutes before telling me, "I hope you find help" before blocking me again, I was at the airport, and had just sent my little sister through the gate and leave to Pennsylvania again without me, knowing she was going home to more abuse, and there was nothing I could do to stop it? Did you know that my "m*m" tried to get me arrested? Did you know that my old drug dealer showed up at my school, and I feared for my life walking to class? Where were you? Where the FUCK were you then, asshole?

Okay. I'm sorry. I'm going to take a deep breath. Yelling at you isn't going to help anything.

I'm just so angry that I'm still struggling with this after all this time. Most people in my life don't know; they tend to see me as strong, confident, and even a bit charismatic at times! They don't know to what extent this has taken a toll on me and my mental health. I'm so fucked up, Thomas. I'm terrified this has fucked me up for good.

-S

[mortallynervousgardener]

"See Me" by Tella Alvarez

First things first people, I wanna come out and say that this book.... ain't even a paperback. Nor is it officially published. This book and writer hail straight from Wattpad, you know... where stories live.

And MAN! Let me tell you, I haven't read book this good in ages. If anyone decides to check them out I wanna give fair warning, the book does contain very mature themes like: alcoholism, r*pe, SA, depression, su*c*de, THE WHOLE NINE.

I heavily relate to the main character.... maybe that's why I like it so much? But I don't think so, considering I'm practically in love with all her other stories as well.

There's just something so SOMETHING about this book that after I read it, I was constantly trying to find others like it to fill the void of emptiness I felt after I had finished reading it.

Having said that, let's jump head first into the review. :)

CAUTION!!!! SPOILERS!!!

One thing that I love about "See Me" is that the characters are so well developed, its easy to envision them. Like the main character, Serene for example. Her thoughts, actions, and words they're all so vivid and well articulated, it's like playing a movie with words in my brain fr.

The build up is amazing, the way that Tella describes the struggles of a SA victim is honestly captivating. All my needs (refer to bullet points to see my needs) are very much fulfilled in this book alone.

my needs being:

minimal spice

relating to the character

having my heart broken

being brought to the brink of bawling my eyes out

bawling my eyes out

feeling relief after a happy ending

The book takes place in high school so, I believe most of the characters are 17-18.

Anyway let's talk about Serene.

Serene is as beautiful as they come. The girl that every boy wants to f*ck, date, whatever you can think of.. they want. The girl that every other girl envies, compares themself to, and wishes so desperately to be in her shoes for even a day. And because of her beauty and her body, she is HEAVILY s*xualized among a majority of her friend group, scrutinized by the girls she's called her friends, and pined after by boys she couldn't care less about. She's constantly disassociating herself from the things happening around her because of how much she's constantly struggling with because she's seen as just her body. She feels empty and turns to drugs and alcohol to fill the void of emptiness and loneliness. After one nightmare of a night, she just can't help but fall further into the darkness that all but consumed her as it was.

Now, let's talk about Zane, Serene's main love interest.

Zane is the new boy....ish. He's been in the friend group for about a year but, he's the mysterious one, the quiet guy of them all. He's definitely the only one Serene DOESN'T have problems out of. And that's saying something considering there's like roughly 7 of them altogether. He's the one who worries most about Serene because of the behavior she's exhibiting. And it worries him more because he's got past trauma with a situation almost similar to hers. He helps Serene, taking it day by day and doing all that he can to be a shoulder for her to lean on. He's real cute guys, ok? On this blog, we love Zane.

AND FINALLY, the review. Which I know, I've talked so much you're probably like "Uhm... Myth... WHERE'S THE REVIEW AT?!?!" Look its right here, calm down.

I love the book, if I haven't said so already. This book is the kind of book that has aspects that you'll definitely try to search for in other books. It'll have you on the edge of your seat, not with anticipation, but with fear, with lust. Not even the s*xual kind, but the kind that makes you crave more, the kind that has you wrapped entirely around its nonexistent finger.....which now that I think about it, it does sound a little s*xual. It'll definitely break your heart. It leaves NOTHING to the imagination because everything is laid out for you on a silver platter.

The only thing I could possibly want to EVER change about this book, is the fact that it isn't in my hands in a physical copy already.

Overall, I am utterly in love with this book. So much so that I finished all in one night. I will be giving it an astonishing 10/10 <3 Everyone, a round of applause for Tella, if you please.

[fratboycipher]

Fear and Hate. No specifications talk about whoever’s in your heart rn

I'm doing Tea, because hes one of the few with fears to discuss that aren't just "everything" or "nothing" and also because i've been bullying him a lot lately for fumbling insane boy pussy and its funny

fear: What is your OC’s greatest fear? What do they do when confronted with it? Are they open with their fear, or do they hide it away?

Greatest fear? Probably a mix of Fan resurfacing in his life and Fan never resurfacing in his life, with some "what if someone else breaks into my home and watches me sleep" tossed on top. What he did the first time he was confronted with it was scream and then end up in industrial grade therapy. Right now, more industrial grade therapy. Open with his fear? Kind of, he's open with that first half, but he is very not open with the second half because "I'm terrified that currently missing person who is the reason I'm in therapy will never be found for reasons I can't articulate" is a weird thing to say to people.

hate: What does your OC hate? Why? How do they act towards the object of their hatred?

Oh hey look, the answer is Fan again. At least, he alleges he hates him. And maybe even believes that too. Why? I mean wouldn't you hate the guy who broke into your house and watched you sleep? As for how he's acting, he's secretly kind of fixated on him being missing right now, and may or may not currently be the only person actively looking for him. Building into a fun hate and fear fueled psychosexual obsession that Fan honestly does not care for. I'm starting to think that therapy isn't really working here for some reason. Weird

[nebulaleaf]

Heh. Giving youuuuu… akira and futaba. for ask game. bc theyr neat.

they ARE neat. tey're probably one of my fave relationships in this game. this is gonna be . real bad because i am not very articulate tonight .sobs cries. this is just me word vomiting about how much i love the sakura family, akira included sorry .

your ideal/headcanon version of it? how does it differ from how it is in canon & why is this your favorite version? any other alternate versions of it you enjoy? definitely siblings. i won't shoot you dead for shipping them as it's none of my business but age gap, futaba's dependency on akira and other various reasons i see not to ship them aside... i think the main killer for me is just how familial they act... I can't ever imagine futaba having a crush on akira like. that's her older brother that's the guy she uses as a human shield in a walmart. that's the guy who'll let her sit on his shoulders to get a pc part that's too high up. that's the guy she'd sicc on a classmate like a dog!! she's so blase towards him in the romantic aspect save for like... one scene that doesn't even feel that romantic, just weird imo. i'm also down for them just being pals and not sibs but... idk there's just a specific layer to it that i enjoy far more when it's played like that. i really wish i could word it blurgh.

what do you like about their relationship, why is it interesting or enjoyable to you? I am not immune to siblings alright. i see a character who's a good older brother and has a soft spot for his sister and i weep because i know he'll probably be my fave. kicking rantaro amami down the stairs fuck you man. anyway i kinda feel bad just reducing them to that because there's so much i enjoy in how they interact but i can't put it to words. im on the cusp of futaba's palace in royal though so be on the lookout for posts where i go fucking insane .

what about the individual characters involved? what does this relationship mean to them, what makes it unique among their relationships? honestly i think akira's relationship to futaba means the fucking world to him. obviously he loves all of the thieves, but futaba specifically ... man. i should just say the sakura family as a whole... idk how well akira's home life is or isn't, but the sakura family feels like Just what he needed, y'know? caring but not overprotective, blunt but not cruel... a good mix of giving him the right space but also loving him unflinchingly and hey!! he fucking reciprocates that shit too!!!! and on futaba's end... yeah this is an important relationship to her too. when you first get her and the gang tries to reintroduce her to social situations.............. it's like autism to autism communication. akira is that perfect blend of a safe space, but not too safe where she'll never come out again. he will protect her but push her out to do things when needed and DAMB! she do be needing that. they fill that niche void in the other in ways the other thieves can't. like yeah futaba is the "little sister" of all the pts in a way, but she clearly interacts with akira differently than the rest of them... n yeah you cvould chalk that up to akira being a silent protag whup whup we need her to be clingy so you can have an UwU Gamer GF; but shut up fucka you. It's Different. To Me. and i'm serious like again the scene where all the PTs push her... she ends up reacting well to both situations in the end, but she reacts Best to akira's prompting because he's not too lax like ann and ryuji n' not too forceful like makoto was. zing. zing. i'm gonna shut up on this one now because im embarrassed Ah Hee Hee

favorite interaction they have in canon either the fire crackers scene outside of leblanc or futaba's first beach trip. the way she glances at akira for approval and then he just... gives her that soft smile... it fuckign kills me oh my god. [grabbing you] im so normall about that scene i only watched it thrice. oh my god and then the christmas scene......... that one is a close third

favorite interaction they have in your head/a situation you want to put them in so many. all the time constantly. I want them to get into shenanigans. I want Futaba to bring her classmates home to Leblanc and for all of them to laugh about Akira tripping over the mop as he delivers their coffee. I want akira to gently tuck her back into bed when she stays up too late studying or going too hard at school/social interactions in general. i want futaba nag at him to take better care of himself until she has to whip out the pleading puppy-dog eyes to one hit KO his older brother instincts. i want them to steal credit card information together and make sojiro go grey by next year from the sheer stress of having these hyper-intelligent morons in the same room.

[rosemarydisaster]

I actually love the CR3 party, and now that I have some time I'll try to articulate why. Also, At the end I might add a few encouraging words for those of you who are not yet feeling the party. Not my experience this campaign, but trust me I see you:

*spoilers up to cr3 ep3 below*

Imogen I was more on the fence about, but after this episode she's starting to grow on me. At first she seemed a bit bland by comparison but I'm finding her whole thing quite fascinating. It has quite a few interesting ramifications and I want to see how they explore them.

F.C.G. is super cute and I think the comedic duo they form with Ashton is gold. As the rest of the fandom, can't wait for Sam to rip my heart out of my chest with this little robot guy. I think they have a lot of potential for both party bonding and party conflict. Anyways, a treat.

Ashton is just wonderful. I like their dynamic of assertive and we'll adjusted menace to society. His attitude of "have any of you children ever crimed? Would you like some pointers?" They have a shit ton of mystery around them and I can't wait to find out. Also, barbarian Ashton means it's less likely that Taliesin will have his character snatched too soon.

Laudna is super funny to me and I'm having such a blast theorizing about her between Thursdays. I can't wait for Marisha to just destroy all of my headcanons (or maybe validate them, who knows). Her dynamic with Imogen is really sweet and I enjoy watching the cast interact with her (with the whispers and stuff)

Orym is my man. I just love his quite sense of humor, the way he balances his morals and naivete with the world he lives in...He might be one of my fav characters honestly. Orym just oozes comfort! The mini exu party also have a wonderful dynamic with one another and I want to see how he opens up to the others! All in all, very solid character, don't really get the whole "calling him boring" stuff.

Fearne is unhinged and I'm with her every step of the way. Ashley Johnson is just peak comedy gold for me. Just, the sweet little voice with the chaos god level shenanigans she gets into...man, it's my cup of tea. I think she's great as a party player because although she doesn't seem to care that much for the plot she just loves interacting with everyone in the group. Specially loved her interactions with Bertie.

Dorian is probably my favorite or my second favorite character. I pray to the CR gods that he's a permanent addition to the table. Sure, more players make things a bit more chaotic, but I just like him too much. The exu dynamic is one of the things I like most, and I just really love bards. They're my favorite class and I like how Robbie plays them. He's funny, but very well mannered and outright a deconstruction of the bard stereotype at times. Seeing a Charisma 20 player play a high charisma character is always great.

Bertrand was just perfect. He came and went, staying every second in his peak. He was funny, he was mysterious, he was tragic and he was oh so lovable despite (or maybe because) it all. I think he died at a perfect point, the right push for the party from "yeah, solving this would be cool and we get money" to "This is personal now". I knew he wasn't forever so I enjoyed him while I could. I'm excited for the actual character but, until then, well played Travis Willingham.

I might change my mind though the campaign and maybe the characters won't live to this new expectations, but I'm fine with that too. I'm just really surprised of how much I'm liking them this time around. As a og VM fan, it always took me a while to like all the characters. Like, maybe I'd had a few I immediately like and the others slowly grew on me. I found Beau a bit annoying at first but she was one of my favorites by the end, same with freaking Scanlan.

My recommendation for old CR fans, specially those that only watched MN, is to give them time. And I mean time. Not every character will show their true colors at the start. Maybe the ones you dislike now might actually turn into your favs for the same reasons you used to hate them. If it's truly not that enjoyable for you, then there's a lot of other podcasts about D&D. Trust me, you don't owe this show anything, you can just leave whenever. But if you're enjoying the show, just not so much the characters, don't worry too much about it. With 8 players, we've barely had any time with each individually.

[sunflowersteves]

Hi hi! What about smut prompts #2 17 and 19 with Din Djarin? I'm also having a little Geralt of Rivia kinda feeling eh I don't know how to decide I'll let it up to you or else my brain will explode 😭

author’s note || I decided to do Geralt because my next two requests are smutty din. also i have no idea where my mind went but uh, I hope you enjoy!

smut prompts || “stop before someone sees!” “do you want to come on my fingers or mouth?” “how funny do you think teasing is now?”

warnings || some fluff at the end, jealousy, some manipulation, afab!fic, smut!!! 18+ only, teasing, rough sex, edging, punishment, semi-public sex, minors do not interact

masterlist

Teasing Geralt in the middle of a pub was one of your most favorite hobbies. You loved the way your heart pounded against your chest and the way his deep voice sent chills down your spine. 

He, on the other hand, hated all of the teasings. You would sit alone drinking your ale and listening to some of Jaskier’s songs when a handsome stranger would ask why you were alone. You never were alone, though—Geralt was always out in the stables feeding Roach, always nearby. 

You sipped on your ale, letting the salty taste run through your tastebuds. You sat by the fire and softly swayed yourself to the beat of the song. Suddenly, a very handsome young gentleman took a seat next to you.

You didn’t even acknowledge him at first; you couldn’t honestly care about whoever he was. But then he started to flirt with you, quite blatantly, despite the well-known fact that you were with the Witcher. That little idea swiveled into your brain, your lips curling into a large smirk. Any second Geralt could waltz in through the door to see you blatantly flirting with someone else. 

You placed an arm on top of the stranger’s shoulder and ran your fingers down his muscles. You giggled at whatever the man said, even if it wasn’t inherently funny. You honestly didn’t think he’s that charming at all. You just want to tease Geralt. So, you continue to flirt with him while a bright smile surrounded your face.

However, the smile you had on quickly vanished when the Witcher had come back from the stables, towering over the two of you. The man tried to act tough like he stood a chance against Geralt. He even tried to say that the spot was taken and for him to find someone else. 

Geralt could practically only see red, a pure deep, and rich color that surrounded him. His eyes flickered towards the stranger, and they gulped; the aura around Geralt always seemed menacing. “Touch her again, and I’ll slice you open.” 

The man’s eyes widened, and he quickly ran off, apologizing profusely on the way. Then, Geralt just stared at you as you tried to act all innocent like you did nothing wrong. He latched his arm onto yours and pulled you up, his face just inches from yours. Your eyes were wide from the fast movements, but Geralt never faltered. 

“What was that little dove, huh? Were you trying to make me jealous? Well, it worked.” Before you could even respond, you were whisked away from the pub. His large boots trudged against the floor as he made his way towards one of the bedrooms. 

“Geralt! I don’t see why this is a big deal-”

You were interrupted by Geralt slamming you against a wall, not enough to inflict any pain, of course. A sly smirk made its way to your face as his arms roamed your body in desperation, trying to touch every inch of your body. His lips attacked your neck in fervor, his teeth biting and nipping at your soft skin.

He was right where you wanted him, but you still wanted to play innocent. It was Geralt’s favorite game. 

“Stop before someone sees!” He chuckled as he pressed you further into the wall, the wooden planks digging into your back. He lifted you, your legs wrapping around his waist on instinct. 

“I’m going to fuck you against the wall, little flower. Would you like that, hmm?” His deep voice rumbled against your neck as he pressed more feathery kisses. He moved closer to your ear, articulating every single syllable. “I want the whole pub to hear you scream my name. I want that man you were flirting with to know who you belong to.” 

“Yes, Geralt. Please.” You could feel his lips curling into a smirk at your pleas and desperations. You were begging for his touch, your thoughts fully giving into him. You didn’t want to play any longer; you just wanted him. 

“You would like that, wouldn’t you? Oh, sweetheart, I know you do.” 

You gasped when he ripped your dress, your breasts on full display. His hand went to rub small circles on your clit, teasing and tickling your sensitive nerves. You moaned loudly as he moved his fingers to grab some of your slick, the substance spreading to your thighs. 

He groaned against your ear, your wetness fully covering his fingers. He knew then that he couldn’t wait any longer. He could smell the sweet, pungent scent of your slick. He could hear your rapid heartbeat thump against your chest. He could feel the whines that erupted from your throat. 

Without any warning, he slammed his cock into you. You let out a surprised yelp, but it quickly turned into whines and whimpers. “Fuck, Geralt. You’re so big.” He pounded into you, over and over and over. You could feel your resolve slipping; you knew you were done for. 

“You’re so tight, little flower. You were desperate, huh? You were desperate for my cock.” You continued to plead and beg his name, not really understanding your words at this point. 

“How funny do you think teasing is now, hmm?” He chuckled as your mouth hung open, unable to utter a single word from your pretty mouth. He was relentless. He was cruel. He knew how to drag your sweet release as long as possible but still hitting each and every spot you craved. 

“Too cock dumb to respond? Look at my poor baby, too desperate to be fucked.” Tears had pricked your eyes as he intentionally slipped out of you and watch as your bubbling high was taken away from you. You knew it was a punishment, a sign that you were getting what you deserved. 

“You won’t come until I say, little flower-”

“But, Geralt! I’ll be so good, I promise. I won’t ever do that again!” He lifted his hand up to caress your cheek, his thumb dragging back and forth. He pressed your forehead against his and for a split second, you thought he would give you want. 

“You should’ve thought about that before flirting with that guy, hmm? You will come when I say, or you won’t come at all, got it?” You nodded vigorously, too desperate to care how ridiculous you sound. Once he got an okay, he inserted himself again and continued at a fast, mind-blowing pace. 

Your head hung back—that all too familiar feeling rising to the surface. You could feel the shake of your thighs, your panting seemingly to be loud and louder. He barely had done anything, and you were already ready to succumb to him. Your pussy clenched around him, about to gush against his cock, but then he halted. “Not yet, sweetheart.” 

The way he said it felt wicked as if he knew just how desperate you are for him. And he would be right. He was the only one that could make you feel this way. He smirked as you whined but obeyed his wishes. He placed his hands on the side of your face as he fucked your tight pussy over and over. 

“Who fucks you like this? Who fucks you so good you can’t even remember your own name? Was it that stranger? Answer me, petal.” 

“You! Only you. Fuck, Geralt, it’s always been you.”

Three times. Three fucking times. That’s how many times he had stopped, so you couldn’t come, and you were frustrated. He made you work for each one, pulling and edging to the brink until all sensations stop at once. Hot rushing tears were spread all over your face. Your cunt was pulsating and swollen, just begging—pleading for Geralt to give you what you wanted. 

“Please, Geralt! I need to come, please! I’ll do anything, I need you, please, please, please-”

“Do you want to cum on my fingers or my mouth?”

“Mouth, please, your mouth.” You felt shameless as you kept begging, needing some type of release. He sunk down to his knees, your legs resting on his shoulders to keep you steady. Your body lurched forward when he licked a stripe up your lips, his throat letting out a hum at your taste.  

You were too sensitive as he started to circle your clit, his tongue swirling and digging into the swollen flesh. You could feel your cunt throb and your mouth hung open in anticipation. His eyes never left yours, though, while he sucked you clean. 

He teased and prodded at your clit, fingers moving to feel the slick that rested on your sensitive lips. He moaned against you, your legs slightly shook at the sensation. 

“Please, Geralt, I-I can’t-”

“Sh, I’ve got you. You’ve been so good, petal.” He doesn’t wait for a response as he laps your glistening pussy. You’re crying and whimpering, making a full mess all over his lips. You could feel his hot, slick tongue press in and out. 

“Geralt, Geralt, Geralt,” You say his name as if it’s the only thing left in your mind, just him and his glorious tongue. It only eggs him on as his nose digs into your clit and applies just enough pressure to make your eyes roll in the back of your head. 

“You’re mine. You’re fucking mine.”

Your body feels rigid as something explodes, pure fire raging against your stomach. Your screams are loud and booming as they echos across the hallway. You scream his name, profanities, and anything that your mind could think of. You knew the whole pub heard, hell the whole village probably heard. He just leans there and continues to lap you up until there’s no drop left. 

He catches you immediately as your body falls limp, your eyes hooded with exhaustion. “You did good, little flower. I’m so proud.” A little smirk ghosts his features at the silence he hears from the pub, a burst of fuzziness clouding his mind. 

He gently carries you into one of the bedrooms and places small kisses on your shoulder. He starts to clean you up and smiles, your body limp against the bed, and your snores loudly filling the room.

“Sleep well, my darling love.”

~~

witcher: @harrysthiccthighss @borkingbarnes @dreams-of-sunlight-and-starfire @writingletterstothefire

geralt: @harrysthiccthighss @borkingbarnes @dreams-of-sunlight-and-starfire @doozywoozy @writingletterstothefire

permanent: @captainchrisstan @angstysebfan @teenagereadersciencenerd @rebekahdawkins @hailmary-yramliah @stardust-galaxies @wiccanmetallicrose @keithseabrook27 @hereforthesunrise

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter seventeen - “wouldn’t dream of it”

delicate masterlist

word count: 4.7k

synopsis: reader has a strange dream that ends up bringing on a cascade of various events and feelings.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

A/N: feel free to drop any opinions/thoughts/predictions below (or in my asks if u wanna be anonymous!!)

She would have woken up from a night's sleep saturated with regret... if she had slept a wink. She spent the night tossing and turning, and at about five in the morning, the pursuit of rest was abandoned.

Forcefully and exasperatedly, she sat straight up, glaring at the clock and letting the blanket pool around her waist. Y/N had her weekly meeting with Shuri at nine o'clock... that meant four hours to kill. More like four more hours of trudging through thoughts, memories, questions, and fears surrounding the previous day. Four more hours of ruminating over Bucky Barnes. This seemed to become a reoccurring activity her life.

She stared at the wall, thinking about how before, there was at least the excuse of being drunk: maybe not completely knowing what she was doing, maybe not remembering something correctly. But they were sober this time... she was sober. And what struck her was that, when it happened, when he kissed her, there was no moment of initial startle. There was no surprise jerk back or woah-what-are-you-doing response. Their bodies just fell into form. She just fell into form. Like it was an instinct. Like they were both used to it, and had done it a number of times before.

She wasn't sure what shocked her more: the fact that he kissed her or the fact that she kissed him back. Was he being bold? Or did she lead him on? Had she been leading him on? He wouldn't have done it on his own account, right? She had a degree of difficulty in believing she was wanted. Truly.

She could've sworn that she wasn't this emotionally invested. She could've sworn that if she couldn't control what she was feeling, she could at least control what she was doing. She rubbed her eyes, wondering where she went so wrong. It probably happened at some point during the isolated time she had been spending with Bucky in a secret corner of the world, not minding the least bit that she had been away from home and work for months whilst working on a project hardly anyone else was even aware of.

Even with all this in mind, she didn't seem to care. She didn't really mind that she hadn't been home in ages, it didn't really bother her that she might be in trouble when she gets back for helping enemy of the state Sharon Carter, runaway fugitive Steve Rogers, or war criminal James Buchanan Barnes. Because every time she thought about the consequences, it just didn't seem to matter more than what was keeping her in Wakanda... Besides, she guessed Bucky would probably be pardoned and after everything settled down, who would pay any attention to her? It's not like she mattered in the grand scheme.

As soon as that very thought arose, she could hear Bucky's voice scolding her in the back of her head. Why was he always there?

Frustrated, she groaned into the air in front of her. Her feelings were so confusing, she wasn't even sure what exactly it was she felt towards Bucky. On one hand, she felt fiercely protective over him: she'd go down fighting before she'd let anyone lay a hand on him, prepared to stay in his corner forever, ready on defense.

But at the same time, she felt this ineffable sense of warmth for him. Like one look at the way his eyes crinkle when he smiled, and she'd turn soft as water. Like being in his vicinity smoothed out the rough around her edges.

And if all this wasn't enough, now she had been touched by him, she had felt his lips and the gentleness in his skin. This brought a cascade of new feelings, ones she knew she had to hide. It... was definitely a problem. She knew, don't get her wrong, she knew it was a problem. As much as she understood this irrefutable fact, the numbness in her lips just wouldn't go away. He had remained with her even hours later. She couldn't get rid of his heartbeat; it was still in her hand. She could still feel him.

Basically, she knew this most recent development was an issue. She knew it was bad, wrong, worrisome, and whatever else. And knowing this, recognizing the very hot water she was in, the only thing she could focus on was trying to ignore the recurrent desire to be near him, to find him and be close to him.

"Fuck."

She plopped back down on her back and elected to cast a burning glare at the ceiling until she had to get ready for her meeting.

—

"I think it might be too hot for this," she complained with a smile on her face.

"It was your idea," he said, a few steps ahead of her, "and we're almost there, so buck up."

She laughed. He smiled at the sound.

"What?" he asked.

"You said buck up. Like Buck... Bucky. Like you."

He just looked at her, amused. Sun kissed and happy.

"It's fitting," she shrugged, grinning.

"Guess so. Hurry up, slow poke. You're gonna fall behind."

"I'm already behind," she huffed . "Your super soldier legs are too fast for me."

"Well," he stopped short and she finally caught up, standing right beside him, "we're here. So worry not."

He looked over at her to find her already looking at him. Funny how their eyes always found each other like that.

"What?" he asked again, not able to help how the corners of his mouth turned up just slightly.

"Nothin.’ Everything," she shrugged. "You."

Perhaps she just liked looking at him. Him and his long hair and light eyes. Was that such a crime? His skin looked caramelized under the sun. She wanted to reach out and touch him.

"You're a real peach, y'know that?" he smirked.

She looked away, pretending to find the grass around them spectacularly interesting while hiding a dopey smile at his compliment.

"Hey, doll face. I'm a lot more fun than the grass, I swear," he teased. "Lemme see my favorite face."

"Hold on." She got an idea.

She reached down beside her and plucked a flower from the soil.

"A little hibiscus," she smiled, tucking the small flower behind his ear. God, he was just so pretty.

She stood back, satisfied with her decor. She sighed, content. How couldn't she be? She was looking at two of the most beautiful things. Flowers and Bucky.

As soon as it was securely in place, Bucky bent down to pick the hibiscus that sat right next to the one Y/N chose. Mirroring her actions, he placed it behind her ear.

"A little hibiscus," he repeated fondly, "for a real peach!"

She didn't dare try to hide the next dopey grin while taking in the sight before her, of Bucky beaming in the sunlight with a flower in his hair. Looking at this, she understood why mankind began to paint. Why there needed to be someway to capture something as precious as this, some method of preserving something so idyllic and beautiful and pure and perfect.

Perfect like the cool, fresh water of the lake. Their lake. Their place. The flowing, breathing water she felt around her waist. They floated around, her and Bucky, as light as air in that lake.

The two were weightless, adoration suspended in animation. The water preserved the feeling of feather light kisses and chests pressed together and hands beginning to roam. If only she could be closer to him. Her fingers in his hair and his palms on either side of her face wasn't enough. She needed more. More, more, more of him.

Skin is so soft and the sun is so warm and soon enough, the water was up to her shoulders as his arms ran up her back. Arms plural, she noticed. He held her with both, protectively enclosing the longing feeling between them.

"Oh, fucking hell!" Y/N sprang up, throwing the blanket off of her.

She must've fallen asleep... and began to dream... She could imagine if her brain was a person, it'd be laughing at her for that.

Why? Why? What was the reason for this? There was no point! How frustrating! How embarrassing that her mind betrayed her with dreams of him.

"God damn it," she swore under her breath.

She wanted to angrily shake her fist in the air like vengeful cartoon character, as she got out of bed and headed towards her wardrobe.

It was 8 a.m. One hour until her meeting with Shuri. She would spend the time changing her outfit until it was distracting enough to draw her attention away from thoughts of that damn lake... and his damn hands...

—

"My friend!" Shuri greeted in her usual upbeat manner. "How are you? How are things?"

There was absolutely no way to answer this honestly.

"I'm doin' well. Same old, same old. How 'bout you?"

"Good as always," she smiled. "Thank you."

Y/N took a seat at one of the tables in Shuri's lab. "So how is T'Challa doing with Nakia?"

"Oh, who knows these days! He is so awkward, I have no idea!"

They both laughed. Y/N was glad she and Shuri were able to talk like this. They weren't just robotic colleagues who only communicated when they needed to. They were partners, and they worked well together.

The meeting commenced like it did every other week. Updates on Bucky's progress, new ideas or adjustments to treatment or planning, going over scans or data, you name it. But this time, she had something else in mind. Something that a dream reminded her of. She had mentioned maybe getting her hands on a prosthetic for Bucky. She wasn’t familiar with the prosthetics industry in Wakanda, but they could probably make something work.

Was that too much? Did she care too much? Was she showing too much regard for him? Was this too much to ask of her?

"Hey, remember a couple weeks ago when I talked about prosthetics?"

"Of course," Shuri smiled. She genuinely enjoyed her partner - her partner who was intelligent, confident, and articulate but still sometimes sounded shy. "You wanna see what I've been working on?"

"You... you ordered one? I didn't-"

"Oh, no. Not ordered. Just you wait," she said, pulling out a drawer to dig amongst papers. "I've been workin' my magic."

Shuri pulled out a manilla folder that had W.W. - Proj. 1 printed on it.

She dropped the folder in front of the psychologist who sat across from her, gesturing for her to look through it. Y/N opened it to see several pages of prosthetics research, information on cybernetics and various designs for a bionic arm.

"Oh... wow." Y/N marveled.

"What do you think?"

"It's incredible," Y/N shook her head. "I didn't- ... I thought you meant you bought one or something. I didn't know you designed one"

"I didn't just design it. I made it."

"You- what?"

"Yep. First model ready for use. Do you want to see it?"

"I'd love to."

Shuri walked her over to a large, rectangular case in the side of the lab.

"Holy shit," she let slip.

The arm was astounding: a glossy black with ridges etched in a shiny gold. It glimmered, sitting in its casing.

Shuri laughed. Thank you."

"Sorry. Excuse my French. This is... remarkable. Can I give it to him?"

"I suppose so. It hasn't got much use just sitting in my lab."

Excitement grew in her chest. Bucky would be able to have an arm he was in control of, one that wasn't forcefully attached to him and used as a weapon. In a way, he would be gaining a sense of autonomy. God, she wanted to see him right away and tell him the news. She was happy to make Bucky happy.

"Oh," Shuri perked her head up. "And there was something else I wanted to talk to you about."

"Yeah, what's up?"

"You're aware of the trigger words, correct?"

"Of course."

"I'm close to fully deconstructing the mind control, but there's no way to know for sure unless we test it out..."

Oh. The excitement dissipated and her stomach dropped. She didn't mean...

"You don't mean..."

"The effect and response of the words needs to be tested on him."

Oh God. There was no way this would be easy.

"And you need to be the one to do it."

Fuck.

"Me?" she tried to hide her shock, her worry, her now overwhelming urge to protect him. "How come?"

"It seems like he trusts you most out of everyone here. I consulted with the Doras about safety and we think that if something were to go wrong, it'd be safest to happen with you. Of course they'll be nearby, but you'd be the one mostly likely to be able to control him in that state."

Her mouth went dry. Control him? She could never. She would never. She knew, in depth, the anguish he carried in his bones as a result of being trapped as a weapon wielded by other people. The thought of her controlling him made her skin crawl.

She knew how much he feared the Winter Soldier and how he would hate losing touch with himself again. He's been free from this kind of violation for a while now; she had very much rather not take that freedom away.

At the same time, she understood how this test was necessary for a full recovery and rehabilitation. And who knows if the words will even work? Maybe she'll say them and nothing will even happen.

He would have to get over this obstacle in order to make it to the other side clean. She could only imagine how scary this would be for him. But she'd be damned if she wasn't going to be right there with him.

"Okay," she said dryly. "When... when are we gonna do this?"

"Not yet but soon. I'll keep you updated."

The rest of the meeting carried on as usual, but Y/N might as well have not even been there. Her mind was off. Off somewhere trying to think of how to tell Bucky the news. The very last thing in the world she wanted to do was hurt him. She'd take his place if she could.

—

As soon as she was free from the calm, professional facade she had going with Shuri, she found herself speed walking back to where Bucky was. She needed to get to him. Now.

When his hut was in sight, she was nervous. She was nervous before, she supposed. She just wanted everything to be okay.

"Buck," she called, a few steps away from the entryway. "I need to talk to you!"

When she stepped inside she froze in place, staring blankly at the two super soldiers in front of her instead of the one she expected. Two as in Bucky and Steve.

"Y/N," Bucky stood up. He sounded surprised.

"Oh-uh," she stuttered. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I can come back later."

"That's okay," Steve's voice was gentle. "I'll leave you... to it."

Steve threw Bucky a look she couldn't quite decipher before he left. Bucky just looked panicked.

And soon enough they were alone. They stood directly in front of each other, but with a noticeably awkward amount of space between them. The tiny part of her brain that was still mulling over the dream wanted him closer.

"Hey," he said softly.

"Hey..."

"You wanted to talk?"

"Yeah," she breathed. "It's uh... there's kind of a lot."

"Look, about yesterday, I-"

Oh. She completely forgot about that. Well, not completely. There was no way she could forget that. But, at the moment there were more pressing matters on her mind.

"It's not about yesterday."

"It's...not?"

"No. I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?"

"Uh... bad news?"

She took a steady breath in. She wasn't sure exactly how to tell him, she just knew he needed to know. He deserved nothing but the truth.

"So, I was just with Shuri and we discussed the next step in your treatment..."

He said nothing, waiting for the aforementioned "bad news." She continued.

"Apparently, we have to test the trigger words on you..."

His expression dropped and she watched all the color drain from his face.

"I know. I'm sorry. I don't wanna do it, but we have to do it to see if it's really outta your head."

"Yeah, that's the problem," he finally spoke. "What if it's not? Then I hurt someone - or multiple people. There's gotta be some other way to test it."

"You're not going to hurt anyone. Or multiple people."

"How can you say that?"

"It's just gonna be the two of us."

"What?!"

"Shuri thought the safest way of doing this was for me to conduct the test. That way, if things ever got out of hand, which is very unlikely to happen, I'd be the best bet at... handling... that situation. Since you know me the best."

"No way. There's no way. I thought you meant they were gonna strap me down and have some lab tech read them. This is way too unsafe-"

"Strap you down? Bucky, no-"

He still saw himself as an animal that needed to be contained. Muzzled.

"What if I hurt you?" his voice shook just a little.

The fear in his eyes was potent. It made her angry. Angry at Hydra and whoever the fuck else had a hand in this sin against the kind and gentle man who stood before her. The man who was genuinely scared of himself. How dare they make him feel so unsafe within his own mind, within his own body. All she wanted to do was make it better, and suddenly, she could no longer stand for the distance between them. She stepped forward and grasped his hand between both of hers.

"I trust you, Buck," she smiled a small but earnest smile, letting him know that she truly was here for him. "Entirely. I promise. Okay?"

He nodded, still reluctant and entirely scared.

"Do you trust me?" she asked.

"I do. I trust you, I do," he cast his glance downwards, almost in shame. "It's myself I don't trust."

Her chest twisted with an emotion difficult to place. Mostly, it was the desire to take every ounce of pain away. She wished she could just snap her fingers and make it fade into nothing.

"That's okay," she said.

He looked back up at her, confused.

"You don't have to trust yourself. That's hard enough as it is and Hydra didn't make it any easier. You just trust me, alright? I'm the one reading the words, so, even though I'd hate it, if you were to be... activated... you'd be listening to me not trying to fight me," she squeezed his hand. "And I will not let anything happen to you."

"I'm not worried about me..."

She knew. She was not stupid; she knew that Bucky was separate from the Winter Soldier and that theoretically, the Winter Soldier - and only the Winter Soldier - had the potential to hurt her. She wasn't blind to the dangers, but she also wasn't blind to the fact that there was no exact science to brainwashing. Whos to say nothing could ever seep through the programming? She knew what happened with Bucky when he was forced to fight Steve for the first time. How it changed him.

Even though the Winter Soldier was in there, there was more of Bucky. She knew that for sure. And she needed to make sure he knew one thing: even if the Winter Soldier was trying to claw his way back and entire world was against him, she saw Bucky and trusted Bucky and believed in Bucky. She was a constant. And she wouldn’t give up on him.

"What, you're worried about me?" she joked, lightheartedly. She took the hand she was holding and pressed it against her cheek. "This wouldn't hurt me, James Buchanan."

He sighed, feeling the warmth from her face. He did not deserve this kindness and he definitely did not trust himself despite her trust in him. Of course Bucky would never hurt her. But Bucky wasn't the Winter Soldier. And he didn't have the heart to tell her what the Winter Soldier could or would do. He didn't have the stomach to even think about what would happen if the Winter Soldier actually did something.

But there was something about the way she believed in him, the way her conviction was so strong. It made him almost start to doubt these feelings. He could never be sure of everything being okay, but at least he could be sure of her.

"Okay," he whispered.

"Okay?"

"I'll do it."

"Alright," she smiled.

She removed his hand from her face, but still held onto it.

"And even if you did try to fight me, I think I could go a couple rounds in the ring with the Winter Soldier. I'm big and tough."

They both laughed knowing she had very minimal fight training.

"You'd definitely kick my ass," Bucky chuckled.

She just smiled. And then her eyes grew wide.

"Oh! You wanna know the good news?"

"F'course."

Bucky watched her briefly disappear through the entryway before returning with a big, rectangular case. He raised an eyebrow.

"That's good news? What is it, a bomb?"

"I don't do bombs... arson only."

The look on his face made her wonder if he actually questioned whether or not she was serious. She fought laughter as she opened the case. It was silent for a moment. Y/N looked at him, waiting for a reaction.

"Is that... for me?"

"All yours, Buck. A favor I asked of Shuri."

She told him about the arm. Told him about Shuri's design, and the features and functionality. She didn't mention what made her think to ask Shuri, but that surely wasn't important.

"It's really cool, and like super sleek and badass. But more importantly, it will make you feel more... I don't wanna say regular 'cause nothing about you is regular," a shy smile slipped. "But more... how you're used to having your body feel and function."

"That's..." he shook his head before looking up and making dauntingly deliberate eye contact. "Thank you. For thinkin' of me. I mean it. I hope it wasn't too much trouble for her to make it."

"Nothin's too much trouble, Bucky. You're worth it."

"You're a real peach, y’know that?"

Suddenly she looked abashed. Did he say something wrong?

"Sorry- I didn't-"

"No, it's okay. I just got a weird sense of déjà vu. Don't worry about it."

He looked at her like he didn't quite believe her, but she tried not to think too hard about it.

"So..." Bucky gestured towards the arm. "...what do we do with this?"

"You wanna try it on?"

His brows shot up. "Oh! I mean- sure- I guess so, yeah."

She tried to pick it up and nearly threw her back out. "Jesus!"

"Woah there, tiger," he withheld a laugh, putting a hand under the vibranium arm to hold most of its weight.

"Okay, sit down," she ordered, both of them fumbling to hold onto the arm. "Shuri told me how to get the arm on. There's some... magnetic thing. I don't even know - it was some complex engineering lingo. Not my field."

After a couple minutes, clumsy hands attempting awkward assembly, and several curse words later... the arm was attached. They both stood as Bucky stuck out the bionic arm, admiring it and Y/N leaned back, admiring him. Wow.

Bucky smiled, holding both his forearms out - palms facing up - to see how they moved. "This is incredible."

He turned to her. "You're incredible. Thank you."

"No problem at all," she stepped forward. "How does it feel?"

Her hands found their way below his, cupping the underneath of them with a feather light touch. "How do you feel?"

"More... balanced," he laughed. "Coordinated?"

"Steady?"

"Absolutely."

"Stronger?"

"Definitely."

She looked up at him. "Confident? More comfortable in your own skin? That's what's most important."

He gripped her hands. "For sure. Thanks to you."

"Glad I could help. Just wanna make you feel more like yourself, you know?"

"I feel the most like myself when I'm with you," he nearly whispered.

He smiled, and then did something... unexpected. He let go of one of her hands and with the other, he twirled her around as if they were dancing. She went along with the movement, body falling in sync it even though she was confused.

"You make me wanna dance again."

With his voice so endearing, and his heart so spirited, the world around them fell quiet. She stepped forward and rested her hand on his shoulder. Then she placed one of his hands on her waist, and held the other out to the side, fingers intertwined with hers. And oh, the feeling of his hands on her; it was nearly overwhelming.

"Then dance."

And they swayed. They swayed to nothing, to the sweet sound of finding comfort in another person. She let her eyes flutter shut, allowed her guard to come down for just a moment. Just this moment. With him.

Bucky broke the silence with a shy question. "So yesterday... what does that mean for-"

"Let's just keep it between us."

"What do you mean?"

"It was a moment - like this one. I think I think too much, and I may have overreacted before. It doesn't have to be some cumbersome ordeal. It's just us."

"We're good then?"

"We're good."

"Good. 'Cause I like this."

She inhaled and smiled at the feeling of him inside her lungs. They continued swaying as they continued talking.

"You were in my dream you know?"

"Was I?"

"You were."

"Could I fly?"

"No," she laughed. "You were - well we, actually, were walking to that lake."

"To swim?"

Not exactly...

"I don't know. It's kinda foggy and didn't make much sense since it was a dream but we were definitely there."

"Did I say anything existentially insightful?" he joked.

"I don't remember much of what we said, but I remember how it felt."

"How... how did it feel?"

There she went again. She could feel herself slipping, but found it hard to care. She closed her eyes, thinking back to hibiscuses and Bucky's arms.

"The water and sun on my skin felt kind of like this," her hands ran up his sides dangerously slow and settled behind his neck, finger tips tangling into the ends of his hair.

His breath faltered. "Is that so?"

Unconsciously, his other hand found her waist and somehow the little space between them grew even smaller.

"Mhm," she hummed. "and the sight of a flower in your hair felt kind of like this."

Her hands moved to cup his face, the soft skin of her palm settling on his jawline.

"It was so pretty," she sighed.

"Yeah... pretty," he agreed. But he wasn't talking about the dream or the flower.

"And... your arms and your hands... felt kind of like this."

Gently, she pulled his face down to hers, though he needed no guidance or encouragement. When their lips met, that feelings of incompletion and longing, which had been prickling the back of her mind since the previous day, finally went away. They dissolved into fingers pressing into her hips, soft stubble tickling her cheek, and the delightfully encompassing presence of him.

She wasn't sure how long it was until they separated and words were spoken again. All she really recognized what that she was out of breath.

"And to think I was going to apologize for yesterday," Bucky smirked.

"I had to return the favor."

"And I gotta make up for lost time"

"Well, please don't let me stop you."

And he didn't. They continued right where they left off, except this time, it felt much too similar to something she had felt before. Hands began to roam just like they did in her dream.

The only thing was, her dream was cut short. She had no idea how it ended. But his hands were everywhere and it was all her senses could register. He was everywhere: her lips, her neck, her collar bones. She was burning.

The air ran out of her chest, and her voice was barely a breathy sigh. "Don't stop."

She could feel his smile on her skin. "Wouldn't dream of it."

-

The next morning, she awoke entwined in his arms - both of them.

delicate taglist: @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance @ilovespideyyy @xpurpleglitter @bluelakeee @darkacademic2 @nickkie1129 @eclipsedplanet @paradisedixon @crazy-beautiful @coffee--writes @lilithknight1111 @buckybarnesishot310 @softladyhours @alwayssandy @those-sea-green-eyes @hero-ically @devilswaldorf @cc13723things @small-death-and-codeine @avengersgirllorianna @cataves @thatbitchsposts @talktomeaboutthestars @surrealpsycho @headheartbellarke @bubbly-moonwarrior @bluemoon-icecream @buckeyecreates @augustbucky @itsthemaree

[roanniee]

SO.

Let's try this again🤸🏻

Also Idil vibes strong on this one. I can't say Gil bc Gil calls Ate Sel smth specific like she does with me.

Ship the @mythos-blogs Crew

ps. here's the server <3

@admiringlove

Baby Sam is very hard working and focused on whatever she's doing that sometimes, she forgets to take care of herself. So, I see Sugawara Koushi with her perfectly, someone caring and understanding, but knows better than to let her overwork and tells her when enough is enough. The both of you do struggle with a few things, and when you fight or have insecure moments, you sit down to talk about it instead of shouting at each other. Overall, a really good match I say.

Baby Sam also kins Oikawa and I ship Oikawa hardcore with Suga LMAO

@ninjamomo

Me. That's my wife <333

Okay but for realsies. I ship Idil with Bokuto Koutarou. Bokuto and Idil would be just... soft love. I see dancing in the rain, bathtub relaxation hours together and cuddling in bed. Idil knows that Bokuto is a busy man, and Bokuto knows he is a busy man. But that doesn't mean that they were gonna let the relationship go. Oh no. Those two will hold on like a cat with his claws on the couch. A really really soft, supportive and strong love.

@tooru-luvs

I actually had a hard time with Ms. Zizi. See, I haven't interacted with her much. But, based on the interactions of hers that I see on my tl, I can see that she is very playful but also can be serious. Hence, why I say that she'd be amazing with Kuroo Tetsurou. Kuroo is playful and an overall gremlin, but he's very caring ang knows exactly when to be serious and how serious. He'll help her with anything he can help her with, but he also knows when no to because it's something Zizi needs to do for herself. Likewise, Zizi knows when to be cheery to make Kuroo smile, but also when to sit and talk to Kuroo about a delicate matter. They'd both ground each other, while matching the same playful energy.

@rokudaddie

HEY I CAN TAG HER NOW KSKSKS

ME ME ME ME ME

anyways hehe. Gly. Lovely, sweet, Gly. She's very caring, but my god does she also enjoy chaos. Hence, I'm putting her with Hoshiumi Korai. We all know Hoshiumi is a little gremlin with a heart of gold. The way these two are together would be immaculate. They're chaos together, but even with all the chaos, they have time to look at the other to make sure they're okay. PLUSSS! Hoshiumi will always unconsciously be touching Gly, just to make sure that she's there. Gly would unconsciously make sure that Hoshiumi is in her peripheral vision too.

@moonlit-island

Ooooh Raya! Raya is so damn sweet and caring and uplifting. I love her sm. Hehehe anyway I ship her with Tsukishima Kei. The Tarot cards said so, and so did the zodiac signs. SKSKS Anyway! Yes, a really good match. Raya's got a really good head on her shoulders, but I see her watching all the chaos from the sidelines, much like Tsukishima. When they're together, they'd start the chaos and then sit back and eat popcorn as they watch the world burn.

@laineeey00

Ate Laine? Some will definitely say Kita, because it's Ate Laine, but I say Hirugami Sachiro. Hirugami would be such a good man for Ate Laine. I imagine them sitting down in the living room, books spread out on the table. Just silence while studying, but every now and then, one of them would look up to look at the other, smile and then return back to what they were doing. Ate Laine makes sure that Hirugami takes breaks and Hirugami makes sure that Ate Laine isn't stressing so much. Just so cute honestly.

@betheydocrimewrites

Ah, Adult Sam. Hmmm. Adult Sam is a whirlwind of chaos and sweet, sweet angst. I definitely see them with darling Yamaguchi Tadashi. I see them in bed, Sam on his laptop, and him just hugging them tight when something they were writing was choking them up. But, Sam is just overall an amazing person that they deserve someone so sweet and caring like Yamaguchi. Obvi, it is reciprocated, and I see such a sweet love in the works.

@melsun

Oooh. Alice.

Melian and Matsukawa Issei would make a very interesting pairing. Both independent yet still co-dependent on each other. Melian knows how to calm Matsukawa after a tough day at work, and Matsukawa knows how to keep Melian from stressing. Matsukawa would also hype Melian up so much?? Like any outfit Melian wears, Matsukawa's right there telling them how good and amazing they look and how well they matched the outfit up. Honestly, just a very functional household and I love that.

@lovemeian

oh oof Lavi. I want to say Meian but for reasons I cannot disclose, I won't say that for now. I will say though, that she will be so good with Dabi. Lavi has a few things she needs to work on, and Dabi is always there for her. Actually lbr, they both have issues to work on, but I feel like together, they'd overcome that. I feel like they'd?? Actually be so understanding of each other that it shocks and confuses others bc?? hello it's Dabi?? but yes, a really good match.

@writewithmarites

Me <3

Severus Snape. Ate Tes is chaotic. I'm sorry but her default in the server is chaos, especially with the bot around HAHAHAHA but anyway! Severus would be so good to ground Ate Tes, keep her from getting a little too chaotic BUT ALSO, he can help her when she's not taking care of herself. She also helpes him with his potions, and it makes the job easier on him. But of course, Severus is a slytherin, and most of the time he'd be the one inciting the chaos and we just don't know it. Anyway, Ate Tes is honestly so wonderful and I love her sm and she deserves someone to tame like the serious, bratty, angsty Severus Snape. <333

@saudade-mayari

ME. AGAIN LMAO. <3

ANYWAY

Nozel Silva. Nozel and Ate Sel. Oh gosh what a thought. Nozel is....arrogant, prideful, and he sees himself as someone more important than others. But, the man does know respect and he does care for people, especially Ate Sel. I have no doubts that Ate Sel can make that man kneel and follow her wishes, but I also know that Ate Sel would not let this man get away with his arrogance and pride. Nozel cares for her a lot. She's his partner, the carrier of the future of House Silva, and the only one that has caught his attention. He loves her, and that man would drop nearly everything for her.

@risumu

Eris! Eribabe and Ojiro Aran. Idek why. But the vibes would be so immaculate. I see road trips and early morning dancing in the kitchen to an indie song one of them is hyperfixated on. I also see late night walks to the convenience store, holding hands and just silence? Basking in each other's prescence. Eris definitely steals Aran's sweaters to the point that Aran buys two of his sizes so he can interchange them. One to give to Eris when the one she took doesn't smell like him anymore. Love all over the place.

@sunarent

Mel. That's it.

Okay but also, I see Iwaizumi Hajime. I was thinking about Suna but the more I think back about the things I know about Ali and our interactions, I see Iwa. I feel like they'd understand each other so much. And the love isn't seen much, not because they don't love each other, but because it's something they need to say really. It's more shown in the touches and kisses and cuddling. They know that they love each each other, and that's enough for them.

@tetsvhoe

Honestly I want to say Kuroo but.

Kozume Kenma. Gwennie works so hard and stresses so much. Her sleeping sched is unavailable lmao. Kenma would be so good for her because he knows how it is, to be stressed and not have an actual sleeping sched. I feel like they'd be good together. In all honesty, they'd probably take care of each other more than they would themselves but no one is complaining really.

@slutbench

MY BABYYYY. MY DAUGHTER. I LOVE YOU SM AND I SWEAR I'M NOT MAD.

I ship you with...

Azumane Asahi. Why? Because you remind me of Noya sometimes. Very energetic, a little bit of low moments and just a ball of sunshine in general. Asahi is perfect for you, Mija. He'd be able to just connect with her in ways others just don't understand. People would say that Asahi is too...soft? They'd say someone like Daicho or maybe Bokuto would be better for you, Mija, but really, he's perfect. Asahi and Gil. He balances her out in so many ways, even if no one else can see it.

@ushisrever

NIA!

Ushijima Wakatoshi. Really, the two of them are perfect. Stoic, quiet, can be chaotic. Very protective, even if the two deny it. Nia, you and Ushi are like...pillars? Support? Quiet, unmovable, but still, everyone knows you're both there, and you don't really leave people's minds. I see the two feeding off of each other's energy, especially when it comes to protecting others that they care about. (Looking at you, Lavi) I see hours where it's just her watching him playing in the background and he just looks at her, smiles, and then goes back to playing. It's really cute.

@sumebreaks

MAIA! HI! We haven't interacted much, I'm so sorry for that sweets. bUT BUT BUT!!!!

You're so sweet and caring and loving??? I really see you with Miya Atsumu! I see Tsumu bugging you to take a break and give him attention. BUT! I also see you?? Bugging him, telling him to get off the court or he's sleeping on the couch HAHAHA I feel like you two really just? Connect. Both playful, both caring, both are busy with their own things so there's not too much expectations that cannot be met for now. Idk I really see a love that's always there, no matter how busy they get.

@vindictivtsumu

AAAAAH DEVON HUN!

I love Devon and their writing so much??? Omg. Yknow who would be amazing with them? Akaashi Keiji. Akaashi is very articulate and just overall book smart in my opinion, and I see that him and Devon would fit so well. He is Devon's personal beta reader HAHAHAH BUT!!!!! Devon also watches Akaashi edit and points out anything that he missed. I see days when they're just sitting there, talking softly to each other that the sound of typing was louder. But that's okay bc you both are content and happy and in love.

@ricflairdrip20

I just met you not even 24 hours ago hehehe HIIII

I will not lie.

I asked for help from Ate Sel HAHAHHAHA

But!!!! She says Ukai Keishin, and honestly I see it. The nsfw-rp channel is the reason why and I'm not saying more HAHAHAHA I see nights when it's Keishin and her just? Idk having fun and being kids bc lbr that man can be a kid sometimes. I also see them taking care of each other in unconventional ways, ways that would not be okay for others, but it's her love language with him. V v v domestic.

I HOPE Y'ALL MYTHOS CREW LIKED THAT MATCHING UP BYE

[twow]

okay guys i am officially done with my first real week of law school so here's law school update #2!! tbh its been a really fun time! people here are so nice, ive been to the bars the last couple of nights and out of the 6 drinks i've had 5 of them have been bought for me by guys in the law school section LMAO. i didn't go out at all in undergrad so its been a nice change of pace! school is a bit overwhleming and i feel a bit lost but i am kind of getting the hang of it? we'll have to see how next week goes. the rest is under the cut bc i got kind of ramble-y and its long!

okay so for my friend group i simultaneously feel more ingrained in the group and like an outsider. i really love them and we've all gone out together a lot but i cant shake the feeling that's there's an inner circle i'm not a part of idk. i know its probably just insecurity and high school trauma and also the unshakeable feeling that i am unknowable and cannot and should not be my true self around people (with the exception of my irl besties from undergrad ofc). i am hoping that horrible feeling passes and i honestly just can't wait to get out of the beginning parts of the friendship and into the part where i actually feel like i know these people well. esp with this handful of girls I've been getting close to! but yeah ngl i am feeling a bit mixed right now since there's a lot of guys in our group and I've never really had guy friends? there's this sort of ugly feeling like im less important to them bc im not hot like the rest of the girls in the group which is :/// we also sort of had some drama last night so i guess what everyone said about law school being like high school is true LMAOO anyway we are going to the beach today so hopefully things will work itself out.

i also feel like i really embarrassed myself the last couple of nights while drunk. everyone has reassured me that i didn't but still i really really hate the feeling of not remembering exactly what i did/said. shoutout to the girlies and also my friend scott for making me feel a lot better about it <3 anyway in general my mood is very "is everyone hanging out without me?" and "do people secretly dislike me and don't really care about me?" even tho i have evidence to the contrary. mental illness.

edit: okay I've thought about it and the best way to concisely articulate how i feel is that i feel like an afterthought. like ill be invited to places and people will talk to me/hang out with me but i am never the first one on people's mind nor do people really care if i do/do not come. and when im chatting its more like "oh i guess ill talk to her" and im initiating a lot rather than people coming up to me and really wanting to talk to me. and that's fine i guess it just a bit hurtful esp when you see others who do get actually approached for convos and have people upset when they don't come places.

i am also realizing that this post was pretty negative but i AM having a good time and i DO like my friends. I'm just sick of the beginning part i love having really good friends that I'm super close to and i don't really have that yet. its been super fun tho esp at bar trivia and all of my theme park visits

okay update over, thanks for listening to my rambling guys! it really helps me to write all of my feelings out even if no one really cares. that is what a blog is for i guess! also if i know you in real life and you reading this No You Did Not lol

[zv5x]

I never thought I would get to talk to you since when I first found your blog you were completely inactive! I know you probably get this a lot but your writing is really good and you articulate your thoughts very well through it!

By any chance is it okay to ask you certain question about yourself? I would love to hear more about you as a person and what new interests you have acquired since you last posted here, it is your blog after all and hearing you divulged into what you like wouldn’t hurt!

If it doesn’t bother you I would like to request something when you have the chance/motivation to write! It’s more of a self-indulgence request that I’m a little embarrassed of but I was wondering if you could make nsfw headcanons of Senpai with a reader who is insecure about themselves/their body or a reader who likes praise

It’s rlly nice to see you active again and I hope you are doing well when this message comes through!

Apologies for being such a chatterbox, goodbye - 🧋

Hi! I can do that request for you! If you feel like it, could you send that request in a different ask? If this is a question about me (which I appreciate more than you probably realize, haha!) I'd like all my followers to see it, because some of them have NSFW related tags blocked! But please, don't be embarrassed at all! And don't apologize for the long ask either, I actually love those! They're fun to answer, and it's fun seeing people ask about me personally! It makes me feel special ^^

If you or anyone else want to send me specific questions I'd be more than happy to answer them!!!!!

And honestly, thank you so much! I love it when I get messages from people who love my writings! Writing for characters I care about has always been a common practice for me, it would help me a lot considering how self indulgent I could be. But then somehow I got the idea to write two fics and post two of my best short stories at the time and here I am! Looking back at them, they're pretty old. A lot of the work on this blog specifically is pretty old. In style, I mean. I'm proud of myself! I've been focusing more on imagery and are more prone to thinking out ideas rather than rushing whenever something comes to mind (which is kinda hard because my brain goes so fast with ideas I usually have a whole plot going in my head the first time I read a request lol).

But until the full game comes out my interest in FNF has been kinda limited? Like, I'm still willing to write for it, but it's not really the hyperfixation it has been, you know? Maybe thats just burn out from writing about it for so long, or maybe I just need to wait until the full game or a specifically good mod comes to my attention that reignites the hyperfixator in me lol!

Right now, I'm more focused on my own characters, and the little universe they reside in lol. I think I have about 20 by now! Character design has always been a strong point of my writings in my opinion, so designing them psychologically has always been so fun for me! I'm also just getting settled into the absolute chokehold Paul Dano's riddler has on me, but don't tell anyone that