#i'm so tired I guess I will go to sleep
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does anyone know how to stop the body from keeping score? i have shit to do
#i have shit to do but i'm so bad at both going to sleep and staying asleep that it's been fucking up my life for years at this point#yes this about accidentally sleeping through class this morning but in my defense i had an atomic tummy moment at like 6 am :( which is#kind of my point? an reason for missing sleep shouldn't stop me from participating in my own life and i'm tired of rationing my waking hours#if sleep was optional i would be unstoppable essentially but alas. alack even. specifically a lack of sleep.#girl all the saints have it out for me today for skipping church on a holy day of obligation i guess. well fuck those guys.#a post
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I wanna thank my irl friends who follow me here and also my beloved mutuals as well as followers who still send me kind messages and try to interact with me and my stuff even if I'm bad at doing it myself.
Honestly, things haven't been that great with me lately, so... it means a lot to me. Honestly. <3
#personal#i had to make the tough decision to drop out of school last week#i didn't exactly want it if i'm being completely honest here#but certain stuff was preventing me from getting further so i knew the teachers are gonna ask me to quit over at our teams meeting#i instantly contacted my nurse about my situation. and she got me a doctor's appointment which was yesterday#where i kind of broke down a little. not because she didn't grant me the sick leave i thought i was going to get#after feeling down and sleeping terribly for weeks#but because she actually *got me*. like. she actually listened to me and figured out some stuff and told me that#what i'm going through and what i've been going through for years would make anyone depressed#so i couldn't help but cry a little because yeah. i'm so tired of never being enough no matter how hard i try#because my brain's wired a certain way and it makes me slow and kinda clumsy and inattentive at times#which. you might guess is not ideal at today's work environment. or studying-wise even#so instead of granting me sick leave (she did say we can change that at anytime though) she told me to wait for that phone call#from the unemployment office. which i should be getting tomorrow. or well. later today#and talk to them about this. to see if they can offer some solutions. or if we can figure something out#'cause i'm getting closer to my 40s and not getting anywhere and it's wearing me out and tiring me out#because i clearly can't help myself or change my ways on my own#i managed to get some work last week though. at the local youth house. one shift though but money still#but i haven't been getting those offers a lot during the past few months so it's not enough to support me obviously#so i definitely need something else. and i hope i can get help. that someone could help me#i should finally get tested for adhd next month too. i don't know if i even have it or if it's gonna change anything but#at least i'd know#anyway i needed to get this off my chest. cause i'm kinda crying a little bit even now just thinking about this whole thing#sorry
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genuinely didn't think I'd make it to 18 let alone 22 so now I'm looking around like..... Now What
#diary#um. sad rant i guess dont read if you're not in the headspace to take in negativity#i dont know what to do with myself. i feel like crying all the time and I'm always tired no matter how much i sleep and i love my family bu#sometimes i wish i just lived alone and didn't talk to anyone. i hate talking about my problems i hate everything about it#i dont want to be here. but i dont know where to go or how to move forward. i want to live but i dont really have that option#i feel so stuck right now.#i would say more but it would get sad really fast so I'll write it down maybe. or listen to some sad music and cry it out#genuinely thought about running away to like. Switzerland earlier. like i was looking up flights and everything#how fucking sad does someone have to be to contemplate that.
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day 71 - 3/11/24 - candle construct
the lighting on this one is atrocious please don't look at this
anyways this design originally came to me as a concept for a regi. like from pokemon. a fire-type regi, it's a volatile ball of flame encased in sacred wax by ancient people. the reason its sacred wax is because you dont have to worry about it melting it regenerates. anyway it obviously wouldn't have looked like this.
#it hurts because this is a design that's been in my mind for a while and i've done it the oposite of justice. i have disgraced it#but i'm so tired. do you think i have time to STUDY art to make it right?#sorry. i try to be positive but hey you gotta feel negative emotions sometimes#i can always redraw it again someday. without putting a time limit on myself lol.#yeah ok i feel better about this now !#i want to say 'thank you' but i have no one to thank for cheering myself up#except myself i guess#thank you me!#anyways#monster every day#daily drawing#2024#march#march 2024#candle construct#day 71#ok i go to sleep now! thank you for your support on this one ^_^#type: candle
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I'm bout to go to sleep, but just want to say that I'm just very happy to have people be that sweet to me earlier today. @bluepallilworld, @eve416, and @shinechermont, you're all just some of the sweetest people I've ever met on here, and I'm glad to have you as friends.
#dragon talks#i ought to stop before i get all teary-eyed cause of just being sappy and tired#but i really do appreciate you all#and anyone else that I've considered a friend here as well#ah gosh#already feel like crying and i don't know why#guess it's sappy time before bed#also might be because I got my mom something that really made her happy#and it was free to take cause it was being given away#it made her so happy 😊#it was a Boyd's bear#albeit not in the best condition but she loves them and has a whole collection#didn't realize it was a Boyd's bear at first. just thought she'd like it when i saw it#anyway I'm going to bed now#enjoy the wholesome stuff if you've read this far#ya'll are amazing#hope your sleep is only filled with the happiest of dreams
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an uncle nina update...i mean UPHATE!
okay there's a couple lines at the bottom i didn't fill in...i don't want to talk about it...that's a problem for future me idc idc! it's done, okay?
BUT AT LONG....LONG LAST....I AM FINALLY....FINISHED fuCkiNG WRITING RM6 AND AM EDITING AND FORMATING IT ON AO3!
when i tell you there are tears in my tears...oh my god...please, clap.
i am going to start deletion progress of probably 1k worth of spaces between lines ( whoever decided that when you paste a google doc it double spaces everything...please meet me in the pit, motherfucker! ) running a fine tooth comb through everything, figuring out where certain italics/blockquote goes, writing the sh*t i put off at the end & crying to taylor swift loudly over the sound of my cracking fingers.
but first...i am taking...a nap....or i'm gonna try. #freeunclenina
because i pulled a writer girl all-nighter.
...and brain hurty so, so bad.
-uncle nina, making miracles happen on the last day of nanowrimo
p.s. if you see me on here answering ask memes and being a circus clown, please close your eyes...i miss her ( my not-stressful inbox )
#call my hands and eyes shelley marsh the way they b burning#i cant believe judgement day is finally upon me#and by that i mean everyones gonna judge me for my mess#which its kind of a mess but u know what! *white mom vc* bless that mess! she is chaotic and very cute to me#i worked...hard on her#when i tell you i had to split...my original idea...into three parts...i need to go to jail#or to the insane asylum or sleep and jail again#but this is gonna be part 1 of either 2/3 i guess#buckle up#there would be less parts but i gave us a little ravenstan pov as a treat because you all waited patiently#but its mostly kyle...in rm its crazy kyle season sorry#but uh! you're all always nice to me but please be kind to me and i'm sorry if its not out by tonight#i am literally so tired like i'm typing so slow rn because my brain is so drained and my hands are strained#BUT ITS COMING GUYS! I HOPE ITS WORTH IT WHEN IT'S HERE BECAUSE WOW...I AM LAUGHING AND CRYING
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.
#coming up on my 32nd birthday soon and i feel so awful physically#i don't really want to call myself chronically ill but idk man i feel so tired and BadTM all the time#well okay i guess chronic migraines makes me chronically ill#but i feel like being in school just makes this 100% times harder#not eating and sleeping well or consistently#i know i'm not old but i feel so much older than is should and i hate this#don't have the energy to work consistently like i did in undergrad when i was in my 20s :/#and it just makes doing my actual work so much harder too#and like i'm supposed to go to class soon and i just Don't Have the Energy#and i literally have chest pains?? from something i ate YESTERDAY???#bro....what the fuck#should i just email my professor and not go?? lol#i hate feeling like thisssss#i just want to finish my thesis and graduate already but i'm tired all the time and sleep all the time and get nothing done!!!!!#text
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🖤👻🏰🩹
#sooooo i really can't stand living like this any longer. i'm going more and more insane each day and im losing hope and the will to live#i hate every single aspect of my life. and that's not just bc im negative or whatever. it's bc i have mental + physical health issues#i have chronic pain. i constantly keep having new health issues. headaches. muscle tensions. racing heart. heavy body and constantly tired#i dont sleep. i sleep 2 hours then wake up. sleep 2 more. repeat. my sisters havent talked to me this entire year. i have no friends#im poor and one by one all my things stops working and i cant afford to get new ones. i cant afford dental care. i have AWFUL posture#spend my whole life in my bed and my soul dies and rots day by day#ok i went on an unintended tangent. point is i have nothing in my life that works or is good. maybe a couple of things but thats not enough#i hate myself sm for being pathetic useless worthless stupid incapabable incompetent lazy avoidant#i cant keep going like this!!! i cant stand it + my mom is talking abt moving (w one of my sisters) so i literally cant keep being like this#my mom's tired of me and tells me to become independent. i hate myself for being 24 and still being a fkn child. but it scares me bc idk#how to be an adult???? i love my mom but she never really taught me how. and i had to be old when i was a kid so now im just stuck#this got too long guess i just needed to vent abt this >.<
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ok this is a long fucking shot but does anyone out here know anything about. Allergies but rather than having itchy runny-nose symptoms you just feel systemically like shit. Like fatigue, nausea, vague headache, moderate-to-severe excercise intolerance, that sort of thing. But correlated to like, pollen exposure. Or just air quality in general?
The best ballpark diagnosis I have is asthma, but I've never actually had An Asthma Attack so I don't know if that's.... right. And even if it is, I can't really find good research or resources on managing systematic effects of asthma at this like... non-acute, non life-threatening severity.
Sometimes with weird medical shit like this, there's information that exists if only you can find the right keyword to search.... maybe somebody's got something?
Or even just, it'd be nice to hear if anyone elae deals with this and I'm not, like, completely insane*
*for this. other insanity unspecified.
#every day for the last week I've woken up and my immediate first thought has been#Ugh i wanna take a nap#Not even like “i didn't sleep enough I want to sleep longer”#But like. I need a completely different kind of sleep. That makes me rested.#In a way that neither sleeping or any type of restful activity or non-activity I've tried has accomplished.#fatigue is stupid!! It sucks!!#And every time I have had a bit of energy I've immediately totally overdone it and fucked myself up#Because I'm BORED I'm TIRED of being too fucking tired to do anything!!#Finally just put together today that it might be the same goddamn allergies that always get me#At this time of year.#After going outside to walk around in the sun and look at plants (always good for my brain)#And getting lightheaded and short of breath#So that's super cool and completely unhelpful. I already take daily allergy meds#And they help! But only so much#I've tried an inhaler and corticosteroid spray but the side effects suck#So it's just. Untreatable unless it gets bad enough for the side effects to be worth it I guess?#I feel like I should be more grateful it's not more severe.#I know a lot of people have it worse.#But it's frustrating also to be stuck in a place where it's not bad enough to *do* anything about#Ugh sorry this is very long and self-involved#And i will possibly delete it in a minute#I just gotta yell into the void here
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okay i'm going to bed now bc i've got stuff to do tomorrow but istg if I wake up to more pics i'm not going to cope well
#i'm not going to cope well either way#but if i see them just when i wake up...#i've been going to bed at 4am for at least a week bc i'm not sleeping well lately i'm today i actually feel tired (yay i guess)#so let's see if i can sleep 🙃#maca speaks
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on my hands and knees begging for my body to let me sleep. please. please. just let me fucking sleep what do you WANT FROM ME.
#🔪.text#i woke up. at 2 a-fucking-m#and i am not confident that i ever fell back asleep.#i have been waking up at 4-5 am almost every day for the past week.#why.#and for reference i am going to sleep at around 10-10:30.#which is. yes. very early. believe me i'd be staying up later if i could#if i had the energy#AND IF I COULD DO SO WITHOUT SACRIFICING FUCKING SLEEP#but clearly i can't fucking do that!!!!#even 10 isn't fucking early enough with how my body's been!!!#literally the only thing i can think of is around the same time this started is the same time i started going off one of my meds#so MAYBE it's related??? i don't know.#or it could be i'm just getting too hot. because i have woken up really sweaty every time.#but this time i tried using a lighter blanket (aka a sheet) and it was fucking worse!!!#and i was even hotter!#so i don't know what the fuck i'm supposed to do!!#because there's nothing i can do about the temp of the house because my mom will not allow it to go below 73#and she's still turning the heat on at night#i guess i've never actually asked if we can drop the temp at night#but i just figure the answer will be no so.#maybe i'll just try to cover my vent at night#because it's just been way too warm for the heat to be on#ugh.#anyway lol.#i am. so tired.
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:'))
#i am so tired#how do you make sensory overload go away#because i'm so ready to cry but that's not an option#and i think i've been taking it for months (years) without getting it out and just powering through and it's getting really not good#and also how do you ask people to shut the fuck up without being rude#cause i understand that you don't give a shit about school but i kinda do#and i can't concentrate if you call each member of your friend group to complain about the same three things#also fuck my sleep i guess#vent#ish#sorry
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trying to write after like. i don't even know how long? and it feels like getting tore to pieces by a torture machine in some circle of hell but yes :) writing is my favourite hobby :) i love writing so much :)
#zero motivation zero will to keep writing but many insidious thoughts :))))))))))#can you believe real life shitty events have the power to take a toll on your creative motivation too? the more you know!#:))))))))#i've been wanting to do nothing but sleep since the beginning of the month i'm so fucking tired and i hate having to make decisions#feeling that weight in my stomach from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to bed#and then repeat!#feeling guilty bc you're not being productive productive but also feeling guilty if you do or don't do smth hobby-related like writing#so you just want to sleep because guess what! it's the only time you feel at peace with yourself and the world!#and real-life decisions make you nauseous and paralysed with fear so you can't bring yourself to do anything! and the guilt increases!#this was supposed to be a silly post about writing being hard but i guess this is officially a rant#but also like. yeah. not really going far with my writing in this mental state! :)#to delete
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how fun. my right ear is still/again making that annoying clicking noise, and now my left ear keeps making some sort of.. I don't know, 'swoosh' sound or something.
#plus my normal tinnitus and the fact that I don't hear that well in my left ear already.#man just let me hear things in peace.#I mean I'm really really glad that I didn't just entirely lose my hearing in one ear! that happened to my dad. and also my brother is almost#deaf in one ear.#so. I'm lucky and all#but tbh the random noises are... still not that great! it's really bad when I'm trying to sleep and it just keeps happening#guess I'll have to go to the doctor next week maybe if it doesn't stop. ugh. I was so happy that I wouldn't have to go there for six months#I'm so tired of doing hearing tests!#especially since my hearing is objectively fine apparently!#still can't understand shit most of the time so what's the point of even testing it. but anyway this sucks#personal
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Sends message to the Japanese prof that just says 'not feeling well........ online class again pls???' and logs off
#man what the hell is wrong with me those past few days#sigh#It's gonna be grandmother & grandfather day#and I should be preparing to Visit Grandparents#but I feel so tired............#anyways guess I'll try to buy a gift for my maternal grandparents today#some vitamins or something#idk what to get for my paternal grandma thoughhhhh#why is grandma day in the middle of winter#I could buy flowers but they'll be kinda ehh won't they?#sighhhhhhhhhh#(if my paternal grandparents start drinking when we come visit them I'm turning around and leaving btw I will not put up with that shit)#(tbh mum has morning shifts next week so she won't put up with it either)#(oh yeah we'll have to leave early so she can go to sleep on time)#(phew.)
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