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bteezxyewriter12 · 2 years

Text

Un-break My Heart

Pairing- Jooheon x Named Reader

Word count- 6.2k

Includes- angst, Jimin is mean, oral, pussy eating, sex, riding, missionary, love making, multiple orgasms, dirty talk, fluff

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J POV

"Please Jimin", I beg

"I said I can't. What don't you get?", he snaps

I don't understand why he's being so difficult

So mean

It's only one day

"Jimin if you don't come I'll fail the class. I need a model. It's the final", I stress

"You're going to have to fail. I don't have time"

"Jimin! If I fail I can't graduate and I have to wait a year before I can take the class again and graduate"

How can he not understand how important this is?

Yes his practice for the American award show is important but this trumps that

He already knows the dance moves, it'll just be more practicing

And this is my career, my life

"I don't see how that's my problem"

"Jimin!", I gasp, shocked

"What?", he rolls his eyes

"We're talking about me graduating here. You told me that you'd help if I ask"

"That's was before we got bigger and busier.", he snaps, "It's not my fault you didn't ask before"

I didn't need a model like this before

This is a special effects class and I need to completly transform a person into something else

I can't do it on myself or I would, like I've done everything else

I know it's taken me longer to figure out what I wanted to do

I work at a bank but I hate it

When I met Jimin through Jooheon, I went to work with him one day and saw the makeup artist doing his make up and I was interested

When I looked up schools, I saw classes for special effects and I had no idea what that way

Then I researched it and I knew immediately I want to do that

It's been three years but I can only take one class at a time because I have to work and because the classes go in order, requiring one before taking the other

He knows this and he's being so mean

"I never ask you for anything Jimin. Just this one time. Please baby, just take off tomorrow and come with me", I beg

"God you don't listen do you?", he shouts, "I said NO!"

Defeated, I just nod

I'm trying to remain calm on the outside but on the inside I'm panicking, hurt and utterly sad my boyfriend of four years can't do this one thing for me

I hold back tears as I stand up, "Ok Jimin. I uh I have to go. I have a few things to do. And email my instructor that I'm not going tomorrow."

"Seriously? Because I said no, you're going to be a whiny baby and leave?", he mocks

I know he's stressed out but he doesn't have to take it out on me

He doesn't have to make fun of me

"No Jimin. I wasn't going to stay long remember? And you said you wanted to go to sleep early because you're exhausted"

"Yeah fine whatever", he says dismissively

The way he's acting is so hurtful

Like he doesn't care about me

This isn't the Jimin I fell in love with

Walking to him, I kiss his cheek

"Bye Jimin. I love you"

He doesn't say anything, doesn't even look at me and my heart falls

I just turn to the door and leave, my heart breaking

----------------------------------------------------

Professor Kim,

I cannot find a model for the final tomorrow-

No that's not a good way to start the email

Deleting everything, I try again

Professor Kim,

Is there anyway I can do the final on myself because I can't find a model

No no no

I sound like a teenager

Not a twenty five year old

Think, Joanne, think

I'm just so nervous

I know that no matter what I write professor Kim won't accept me doing the final on myself

She made it clear I have to have a model so I can show that I can work with other people's features that aren't mine

I just have to admit defeat and tell professor Kim I'm not going

Professor Kim,

Unfortunately, I will not be attending the final tomorrow. I was not able to find a model. I understand this means I will fail the class and have to retake it. Thank you for everything you taught me this semester. I will see you next year

Joanne

That's good enough, I guess

I'm about to press send when my phone rings

I hope it's Jimin

I hope he reconsidered

But when I look at my screen, it's not Jimin

It's Jooheon

My best friend since we were babies

"Hello", I say when I answer the phone

"Hey Jo", he greets

"Hi Joo. What's up?"

"Nothing much. Just called to ask if you wanted to hang with us for movie night tomorrow after your final?"

"Oh, uh yeah I guess", I say distractedly

"Jo what's wrong?"

"Oh nothing Joo"

I hesitate sending the email, tears filling my eyes

Why can't Jimin just do this for me?

He was so helpful when I first started, coming to be my model when I needed him

Which wasn't much to begin with

"Jo, c'mon stop lying to me. I know when something is wrong"

I sigh, "I'm not going to the final tomorrow"

"What why? That's the last class you need to graduate!"

"I know", I answer

"You're going to have to wait another year to retake it"

"I know Jooheon!", I answer frustratedly

There's a silent pause

"Jo what's wrong. Just tell me ok? Why can't you go to your final?"

"Because I don't have a model! Jimin won't come tomorrow. I told him how important it was and he said it's not his problem. He told me I'm just going to have to fail the class"

"What an as...uh that's not a nice thing for him to say", he amends

"It's ok Joo. You can say he's an asshole. He's being one"

"I'm sorry Jo"

"He's just practicing Joo", I tell him, tears falling from my eyes, "I know the performance for the American award show is important but he knows the steps by heart. He know everything. And he won't take a few hours to do this for me."

"He should Jo. He should know how important this is for you"

"He was so mean", I cry, "He really doesn't care and I don't know where that came from. He acted like I was bothering him"

"He's wrong Jo. Ok? It's wrong for him to act like this. And even if he couldn't go then he should try to help you find someone else. A staff member or something"

Joo's right

Jimin should of helped me find someone else

He should of helped me somehow

Not leave me to fail

"Yeah but he didn't. And now I'm going to fail"

I really don't want to wait a year to graduate but I have no choice

And I don't know how I'm going to deal with Jimin and all of this

I know it's not his responsibility to help me but he didn't even try

And he doesn't care which hurts like nothing I've felt before

"You are not going to fail Joanne"

"What are you talking about Joo? Yes I am. I have no model"

Wasn't he listening?

"Yeah you do. I'm gonna be your model"

"What?", I gasp

"I'm coming to your final Jo. You can do the makeup on me. You won't fail"

"You're not busy tomorrow?"

"Recording a song but that can wait"

"No Joo, it can't. That's your job"

"And your my best friend. You need help. I'm going to help you. I'm going and you can't stop me so just say yes and give me the address"

I'm shocked

I can't believe that he's going to help me

I didn't even think of asking him

"Thank you Joo. Thank you so much"

"It's not a problem Jo", he answers, "Look I know you go to Jimin for everything because he's your boyfriend but don't forget I'm here too. You can ask me for help when you need it too"

He's right

I do always go to Jimin

Sometimes I forget that he was the one I went too for everyone before Jimin

Jooheon comes to me when he needs help and I should remember I can go to him too

"Ok Joo. I'll remember. And thanks again"

"No problem Jo. So my question still is, after the final do you wanna come hang with us?"

I laugh and answer, "Yeah Joo. Definitely"

"Great. Text me the time and address. I'll be there"

"I will. Thank you so much Joo. You're the best."

"I know", he jokes, "I'll see you tomorrow"

"Ok. Bye Joo"

"Bye"

When we hang up, I delete the email to my professor, a huge weight lifted off my shoulders

My best friend is the best

----------------------------------------------------

"So when are you taking that class over again?", Jimin asks nonchalantly

I just stare at him in shock

Of course he's not looking at me, instead on his phone

How can he just ask me that?

Like he doesn't care I failed

"I'm not", I answer

He finally looks over at me, "You're not? Are you giving up?"

God he's so oblivious

And so mean

"No I'm not giving up Jimin. I'm graduating"

"How? You said you weren't going to the final and you'd have to take the class again"

"I found a model", I answer

He raises his eyebrows, "Who?"

"Jooheon"

Anger clouds his face, "You called Jooheon?"

I shake my head, "No. He called me when I was writing the professor an email to asks me to hang out with him and they guys after my final. I told him I wasn't going to the final and he asked why. I told him", I explain, "Then volunteered to be my model"

"And you said yes?", he growls

I don't understand why he's getting upset

He couldn't come or didn't want to or whatever

This way I could still pass and he still didn't have to show

He got his way

"Of course I said yes Jimin!", I exclaim, "I needed to pass this class or wait a whole year to take it again. Why would I do that when Jooheon was willing to help me?"

"Because he's not your boyfriend!"

I stare at him in shock, "He's my best friend"

"I don't like that and you know it", he says

I'm so confused

He doesn't like that I'm friends with Jooheon?

Since when?

"What are you talking about?"

"C'mon Joanne, don't act dumb. Do you think I want my girlfriend hanging out with another guy?"

"But Jooheon has been my best friend before you and I even knew each other! I met you through him! You knew he's my best friend"

"Well it ends now. I don't want you around him"

I can't believe he's demanding this

What is his fucking problem?

He's never said anything about my friendship with Jooheon before

Is he jealous that Jooheon helped me when he didn't?

"That's not gonna happen Jimin"

He glares at me, "It's him or me"

I take a breath and say, "Him"

"Excuse me?", he narrows his eyes

"Jimin, the reason I asked to see you today was because I was going to tell you that this relationship isn't working. Not for me"

I can't believe I'm saying this

I always thought Jimin was going to be the one I ended up with

"What do you mean? Everything is fine with us"

The fact that he doesn't see it, doesn't see what he did, what he's doing just proves that our relationship isn't meant to be

I started thinking about this after my final

It's not to that he refused to help even though that hurt

It's that he didn't care about the consequences for me

He was cold about it, he didn't care

He didn't try to comfort me

The day of the final he didn't text me at all

Didn't contact me

He should have, he should have wanted to see me after his practice, should have tried to make me feel better about taking the class again

He didn't

He texted me a few days later and not even to ask to see me

Just a hey, you're alive, ok

After a week of thinking, I decided to end this

The whole forbidding me from being friends with Jooheon just adds to everything

"Jimin, you didn't even give a shit that I wouldn't graduate if I failed that class. You refused to help me then made fun of me and called me a baby when I said I was leaving to write my professor an email."

"It wasn't my problem-", he starts

"But you didn't have to be an asshole about it. When you said no, you didn't try to comfort me or hug me or anything. You just yelled at me", I explain, my chest hurting because even though I'm breaking up with him, I still love him

That doesn't go away just like that

"Since when did you become so sensitive?"

"Are you kidding Jimin? This is my life we're talking about."

"Please Joanne, you decided to become a makeup artist three years ago. Stop acting like this was a life long dream"

I can't believe he's saying these hurtful things to me

So what if it wasn't something I wanted to be since I was a child

That doesn't invalidate that it's my dream now

"Jimin you're being different. Mean. Cold. You didn't even contact me the day of the final. When you thought I failed the class. You were just gone. Doing whatever it was you were doing. The fact is Jooheon was there for me and you weren't"

"I fucking told you I couldn't go!", he yells

"I know! But you shouldn't be getting mad at me because Jooheon was able to come. You should be happy that I was able to pass the class and graduate. But you're not. You're just mad. For no reason"

"It's not for no reason", he snaps

"Yes it is. I don't know what's going on with you. If you don't love me anymore or you don't want to be with me but you're different. And everything that happened...it just made me think"

"And your conclusion is to break up?"

God, he's making me feel so dumb

"It's...this....it's not working for me", I say quietly

He rolls his eyes

Actually rolls his eyes

"Fine. Then it's over. I have more important things to worry about than your sensitivity to things I say"

Pain fills my chest as I stare at him

He didn't even fight me

He didn't say anything about what I brought up, didn't deny anything, didn't ask me to stay, to try

He just gave up

"Get out", he snaps, startling me

I need to leave before I fall apart

"Bye Jimin", I say, my heart breaking

"Yeah whatever. Go", he says dismissively

Turning around, I quickly walk to the dorm door and out

Getting in my car, the tears break through and I cry

Getting out my phone, I call the only person who's ever been there for me

--------------------------------------------------

The door opens, Jooheon pulling me into his arms immediately

"I'm sorry Jo", he says, hugging me tightly as I cry

"He didn't even care Joo. He didn't even try to fix anything. He didn't say anything. He just told me to get out", I sob, clinging onto him

"I'm gonna fucking kill him", he growls, running his fingers in my hair

I shake my head

I don't want Jooheon doing anything that will hurt him and his career

And a fight with a BTS member will do that

"No Joo, don't. Please", I ask, "Don't do anything ok. Please"

"Ok Jo. For you, I won't kick his ass"

I nod, just holding on tightly to him

Everything hurts and even though it was my decision to ends things, I miss Jimin so much

"C'mon Jo. We can go to the living room and talk ok?"

"I...I can't...right now", I cry

I don't want to talk about anything

Not yet

"Ok, that's ok. We can do something else. Watch TV or a movie or something to keep your mind off it until you're ready to talk"

I nod

I don't care what we do, I just don't want to be alone

He ushers me into the living room, onto the couch then turns on the tv

I can't stop crying and he puts his arm around me, comforting me

Something Jimin should of done

But Jooheon, he always helps me however he can

Even if it's just sitting with me and letting me cry

I'm so greatful he's in my life

Leaning my head on his shoulder, I watch the tv, hoping it will distract me from losing Jimin

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

One year later

"Hey Jo", Jooheon greets, as he opens the front door to the dorm

I made up my mind

I'm going to tell him how I feel

After the night I went to him when Jimin and I broke up, we started hanging out more and more

He helped me get over Jimin, he was there when I need to talk, when I needed him

After getting over Jimin, we kept having out and I fell for him

Hard

I've tried to hide it for the last few months but I can't anymore

I called him and asked if he wanted to hang, watch movies and eat

Of course he was down

And on the way here I kept telling myself that I'm not nervous

Truth is I'm shitting my pants

As soon as I saw him, all my determination fled and nervousness hit me hard

My legs are wobbling as I follow him to his room

When we get inside, he closes the door and plops on his bed

Like he always does

He's acting normal

I'm not

I force myself to move and sit next to him on the bed

He takes the remote, turning the TV on

"What do you wanna watch?", he asks distractedly, "A Disney movie? Superhero? Action?"

"I uh...I wanted to talk to you first. About something", I get out

He immediately puts down the remote and turns his full attention to me

"Sure Jo. Are you ok? Is something wrong? Do I need to kill someone?", he asks

"No you do not have to kill someone Joo", I chuckle

"Ok so tell me"

"I...uh...I", I trail off, while he looks at me intently

God he makes me so nervous

It never used to be like this

I could talk to him about anything, say or do anything and know he wasn't judging me

"Take your time", he says patiently

"I uh...well after I broke up with Jimin...I uh"

"Yeah?"

I can't do this

The words won't come out

Maybe I can tell him a different way

I lean over to him and kiss him

Quickly, then pull away, my face on fire, eyes on the blanket

But even from that one kiss....my world flipped

I never felt like this kissing Jimin

It's always been Jooheon

God I'm dumb

I hope he understood because if he doesn't say anything in two seconds, I'm ready to bolt

He lifts my face to his, his lips right against mine

I just let the feeling take over and throw my arms around his neck

His arms move around my body, pulling me against him as he slips his tongue in my mouth

As soon as his tongue touches mine, stars blast in my vision

He gently moves me, laying me down and he hovers over me, kissing me passionately

I'm dimly aware that I have massive questions

Like does he feel the same for me?

Or is he just kissing me to kiss me?

But there's no way in hell I'm stopping kissing him to ask

His big hands move slowly down my body, touching me everywhere

He stops at the hem of my shirt, playing with it but not putting his hand underneath and touching my skin

And I want him to touch my skin so badly

Taking his hand, I move it under my shirt

"Shit", he whimpers, touching me so softly, pressing his lips to mine again

Again his hand stops right below my boobs, not moving an inch

I'm not having it

I move his hand right on my boob

He pulls away, looking down at me, checking that this is what I want

It is

I nod, pulling him back to me, our lips crashing into each other's

He squeezes my boob, moaning softly as he kisses me

I need more

I need him

Trailing my hands down his broad back, I start pulling his shirt off

It needs to come off now

He lets me take it off, helping me as he moves his arms through the sleeves

I pull it over his head, his lips right back on mine as soon as the shirt is off

I manage to throw his shirt somewhere in the room before my brain turns off

I finally touch his skin, loving the way his muscles feel under my hands

Especially when they move

Trailing my fingers up his back and down to his upper arms, I moan softly

Jooheon has huge muscular arms and I fucking love them

His hands shake as he unbuttons my shirt and I wonder if he's as nervous as I am

When he gets the last button undone, he slowly pushes the shirt off me

I sit up, grabbing my shirt and throwing it on the floor, then pull him to me, kissing his neck anywhere I can

"Fff...fuck", he whimpers, his arms around me, hands undoing my bra

Once that's off, her lays me back down, staying on top of me as I drag kisses to his collarbone

His big hands move around my breasts, squeezing, his palms rubbing on my nipples, sending pleasure through my body

My panties get soaked as I moan in his soft skin

Leaning his head down, he kisses my shoulder, sending shivers down my spine

"You don't know", he says softly, his face moving to my neck, giving me small kisses, "You don't know how long I've been waiting for you. How long I've been waiting for you to notice me"

What?

He's been waiting....for me?

He's had feelings for me?

And he never told me?

Why didn't he tell me?

"You don't know how long I waited for your kiss, your touches, wondering if I'd ever get them. Praying I'd get them. Praying you'd be mine"

His confessions are blowing my mind

How long has he waited?

When did his feelings start?

And am I so blind that I didn't notice?

"I love you so much", he whispers so softly, it's almost like I didn't hear it

My heart explodes in happiness

And my mouth won't stay closed

"I love you Joo. More than anything. I'm yours, I promise", I tell him

He lifts his head, looking in my eyes, "Are you being for real? Because I can't take it if you're not"

"It's real Joo", I assure him, touching his cheek softly, "I love you. I was dumb before. But when I kissed you...that small kiss....I knew. It was always you"

The smile on his face lights up his entire being, "It was always you for me. Always"

I pull him back to me, kissing him deeply

I want him now

Moving my hands down, I push his pants and boxers down

He gets the hint and helps me get his pants off then starts pulling mine down

He gets it off, moving his kisses from my lips to my neck

God, his kisses light every nerve on fire

Dragging his kisses down between my breasts and along my stomach, I feel his sucks and bites all over my skin

He keeps kissing lower and lower, fingers pulling my panties down and off

He opens my legs, burying his tongue in my pussy

"Jooheon fuck!", I yell, pleasure filling me from his licks

"Oh god fuck. I knew you'd taste this good. I fucking knew it", he groans

Well fuck me, I didn't know that

His tongue swirls everywhere, licking around my slit and between my lips

"Fuck you have no clue how much I want to eat you out. How much I wanted to taste you, making you cum from me", he moans, "I hate other guys got to be here before me"

"Dddd...doesn't matter Joo. Yyyy.....fuck...you're the best", I get out through the pleasure, "Aaaa...and only you get to be...down...down there from now on"

"Mmm, promise?", he asks, his tongue rolling over my clit, sending pleasure to every nerve

"Promise! I promise Joo", I cry

His hands move to my legs holding them open as his mouth moves around my clit

I wait in anticipation and when he sucks, I yell loudly, my body arching off the bed, intense pleasure hitting me

His mouth moves hard and fast, tugging and playing, driving me fucking insane

I bury my hand in his hair, my other hand gripping his sheets tightly

I'm gonna cum any second

"Joo, gonna cum", I cry, not sure where he wants me to orgasm

"Yeah baby, cum in my mouth. I wanna taste your cream"

He sucks hard and I lose it, screaming his name, coming hard

"Jooheon!"

I pull his hair, lost in the bliss, his mouth not stopping, sucking me though my orgasm

Only when I finish, does he let go, his tongue moving to my hole, licking again

"Oh my god, so fucking good", he moans, "So fucking sweet. Goddamn it I'm gonna eat your cunt every day baby girl"

"Jesus Joo", I moan, liking that idea very much

"Please aegi, tell me I can eat you everyday. Tell me I can suck your pretty throbbing clit, swallow your delicious cum everyday. Please tell me I can", he begs

"Yes Joo. You can"

He lifts his head, smiling, his dimples on full display

My heart beats rapidly seeing that smile

I love his smile

He sits up and I do too, getting him to lay down

I kiss his perfect lips loving the way they feel against mine

Loving the way his kiss feels

As I slip my tongue in his mouth and deepening the kiss, I wrap my hand around his hard cock, pumping up and down and he moans against the kiss

His cock feels so big

I pull away from him, eyes looking down and I gape at the huge cock in my hand

Jesus Christ, he's so long and so thick

I had no idea Jooheon had this in his pants

I start moving down to suck his cock but he stops me, gripping my arm

"Joo let me-"

"No baby. Please, I just want to be inside you", he pleads

I want that too

After I blew him but I'm going to give him what he wants

Swinging my leg over him, I sit in his lap, his eyes on me, biting his lip

After pressing a soft kiss to his lips, sit up, reaching behind me and holding his dick up

Getting him under me, I lower myself on him, his head moving inside

"Oh god", he whispers, his hands squeezing my hips tightly

I push down, sliding along his cock inch by inch, pleasure hitting me from how much his cock is stretching me out

It feels amazing and I can feel myself drenching him

"Fuck, fuck, fuck", he moans, his eyes on where we meet

I feel so full of him already but I want to take him all

"Help me Joo", I whisper

His eyes move to mine, a question in them

"Push me down your cock. I want all of you inside me", I tell him, his eyes widening, "Please baby. Help me get on your cock"

His hands push me down and I take all of him, his head snugly against my spot, sending chills through me

I can't stop the throbbing on him and I don't want to

It feels so good

"Oh my god", Jooheon yells, "So fucking tight. Oh god. Fuck. You feel so good. So good. I can't....fuck"

I decide now is the time to move and I move up his length

His eyes snap to us just as I slip back down, his head smashing my spot

"Oh god", I cry

Leaning on his stomach, I move fast, bouncing on his perfect cock, feeling his thickness spread me open so pleasurably over and over again

"Fuck, so good baby. Don't stop"

His eyes are glued to where I'm fucking him, his mouth slightly open

"Like watching?", I ask, smirking

"Uh huh", he answers

I move my arms behind me, leaning on his thighs and spreading my legs more so he can watch

"I can't see baby", I tell him, now slamming down on his length harder, "So tell me what you see"

"Yyy..your pussy....swallowing my cock"

"Uh huh. What else baby?", I ask, getting more turned on

"Uh...your...fuck you're pussy lips are so puffy wrapped around me. You're clit is throbbing so much. Your cunt is so creamy, leaving cream all over my dick"

I feel myself getting closer and I move faster

"What else?"

I feel his fingers spread my lips, a soft moan coming from him

"Yyyy...fuck...your slit. When you come down, it stretches so big around me, straining when you get all of me in. God your cunt is so pretty on my cock"

"Joo I'm gonna cum", I moan, right there

"Yes baby. Please", he whimpers

His head rubs my spot and I yell as stars blast in my vision, pleasure washing over me

"Oh my god, so much cream baby", he moans

I keep riding him, grinding on his cock, rocking anything to keep the pleasure going

Through the pleasure, I feel myself ready to cum again and I ride him harder

"Oh fuck aegi, cum again. I feel it baby girl. Cream my cock"

"Jooheon!", I cry, my body shaking hard as I try to stay upright on him, coming on his cock, the pleasure amazing

"Fuck, so pretty baby. You look so pretty coming on my cock", he praises, his hands roaming my body

When I finish, he pulls me on top of him, rolling us over

"I'm gonna fuck you so good my baby", he whispers in my ear, "Keep your pretty legs open for me"

I nod and he sits up, slamming his cock into my dripping cunt

"So fucking wet for me. So tight, so good. Best pussy I've ever been in", he moans

"Bbbb...best cock I ever had inside me", I whimper, the constant stimulation to my spot, making me shake in bliss with every hit

"I'll be your best cock baby. I'll make you feel so good. Every day"

"I'll make you feel good baby", I tell him

"You are aegi", he says, looking down between my legs, "Fuck watching your slit get split open on my cock drives my fucking insane. The fucking tight throbs of your cunt make me feel good. You make me feel good"

His hands grip my hips, lifting me off the bed

As he pounds my cunt, he pulls me down on him, meeting his thrusts and going in deeper than before

So deep I can feel him in my belly

Through the haze, I hear a constant banging sound

Like something being hit over and over

Looking around, I find the source of the sound

His bed hitting the wall

It registers that he's fucking me that hard that his bed is moving

That fucking turns me on so much

"C'mon baby. I need more of your cum on me"

He wraps one arm around me, his hand on my ass, holding me up that way

Moving closer to me, he drills his cock in, his hand moving to my clit

The second he starts rubbing my clit, I scream in blinding pleasure, clenching his cock again and again

"That's it baby. Good girl. Cum for me"

His head hits my spot and his fingers rub just right on my clit and I'm thrown head first into a massively pleasurable orgasm

"Jooheon, oh my god, Jooheon!"

"There we go", he praises, "That's it aegi. Cum just like that for me"

His cock doesn't stop, fucking me though the orgasm

He lowers me back to the bed, wrapping my legs around him as he moves on top of me

He thrusts hard, the sound of our skin slapping together sounding throughout the room

Along with the wet sounds of my sopping cunt and his bed

"God you suck me back in so perfectly. Want me inside you that much huh?"

I nod, "Yes Joo. Want you so much. Love you so much"

"I love you Jo. More than anything"

His lips crash into mine, kissing me fiercely and I love every second of it

"What the fuck is that sound?", I hear someone yell

"Great, they're back", he mutters

I honestly didn't even know they were gone

I assumed they were in their rooms or something

"It's Jooheon's bed hitting the wall!", someone, I think it's Kihyun says

Jooheon just rolls his eyes and keeps up the pace, thrusting over and over, his pelvis rubbing my clit perfectly

"What is he fucking doing? Jumping on it?"

God they're dumb

There's only ever one reason why a bed would hit the wall at a constant pace

We ignore them, Jooheon lifting my boob up and wrapping his mouth on my nipple

He sucks quickly, sending more pleasure straight to my pussy and I can't help but yell

"Yes Jooheon! Yes!"

"Who the fuck is that?", Minhyuk asks

"He has a girl here!", Shownu yells

"Please Joo. More", I yell, so close

His cock just has to hit a few more times and I'm done

His mouth switches to my other nipple, sucking desperately like his life depends on it

"Jooheon! I'm gonna cum! Fuck I'm gonna cum!", I cry

"Cum aegi", he asks and I let the bliss run through me

"Jooheon! Oh my god! Jooheon!"

He sheathes his cock inside me, letting me ride out the bliss on his thick dick

"Good girl"

"Oh my god, he's banging Joanne!", Hyungwon yells

"Motherfucker", Jooheon mutters

"It's ok baby", I tell him, as my orgasm ends, "I don't care what they hear. I just want to be with you"

He smiles shyly

Which is ironic since he's...banging me

Very well too

"I want you too jagi"

He catches my lips in a kiss, slowing down and rocking his hips into me

So fucking good

"He's what?", Shownu shouts

"He. Is. Banging. Joanne.", Hyungwon says like Shownu is stupid

"How do you know?", Minhyuk asks

"Because that's her voice"

The door slams again

"What's going on? What's that noise?", someone else says

My god, it's really not that loud

But then again, I'm kinda out of it

It might be loud

I dunno and I don't care

"Fucking-", Jooheon starts

I shush him by kissing him deeply

He responds immediately, his tongue against mine, his hips slowly pushing his dick into me

I grip his back hard, not being able to get enough

His lips press kisses to my cheek, traveling down to my neck, making me moan loudly

"Does he have a girl here?"

"He is fucking Joanne"

"Oh god finally!", Changkyun yells

Finally?

What does he mean finally?

They know about Jooheon's feelings for me?

"I don't have to hear him whine about Jimin and how he wants to kill him for being with her anymore"

I giggle against his lips

That's cute to hear

"He said that? He didn't tell me shit!", Minhyuk declares

"God he wouldn't shut up about how much he loves her and how much he wants her, how no other girl compares to her. Drove me up a fucking wall"

"He's a dead man", Jooheon growls

"I think it's cute. You love me"

He nods, "Yeah Jo, I do. Always have"

"I love you Joo. So much", I smile, at him

He kisses me softly and move my hands around his neck, my fingers in his soft hair

The next time he moves in, I move my hips, meeting him

"Oh aegi", he whimpers, "I...I can't...you feel too good"

"Cum Joo", I tell him

He shakes his head, "You first aegi. I need you to first

He rolls his hips into me a touch faster letting me feel every inch of his cock inside me

His head brushes against my spot and I squeeze him tightly

"Jo", he cries

"Jooheon!", I moan loudly, incredible pleasure slamming into me, making me shake under me, "Fuck Jooheon!"

"Joanne, fuck!", he yells, moving all in, his cock throbbing and spurting his hot cum inside me

"Joo"

"Joanne, aegi, oh my god! Yes"

He shakes in my arms, his face burying in my neck as his orgasm goes on

I throb on him involuntarily, fast, milking his cock for all his cum

"Goddamn!", one of the guys yells

"I'm going to murder every single one of them", he murmurs in my skin as his orgasm ends

He pulls out and tries to move but I stop him, holding him to me

"Stay with me baby", I whisper

He lifts his head, his wet hair plastered to his forehead, smiling at me, "Yeah?"

I nod

He leans forward, his lips against mine

"I love you Joo", I tell him

His smile gets brighter, more beautiful

"I love your smile baby", I say, touching his dimples, "So beautiful"

"Not as much as yours aegi", he says, "I love you so much"

We share another kiss then he lays his head down on my chest, his arms around me

I slowly run my fingers in his sweaty hair, absolutely loving the feel of him in my arms

I'm drifting off to sleep when there's a knock on his door

"Jooheon?"

"Go away", he yells groggily

"Yeah but-"

"Go away!", I yell, "We're napping. Don't wake us up or you'll be sorry!"

"Ok sorry! Sorry!", Whoever it is says

Jooheon chuckles, "They're scared of you aegi"

"Good. Then maybe they won't make fun of us later"

"Oh they won't make fun of you. They'll wait until you leave and then make fun of me"

"Well...tell them if they do, I'll beat them up"

He laughs, kissing my chest, "Yeah you will my strong girl"

Kissing the top of his head, I say, "Yes I am. Now sleep baby"

"Yes ma'am", he answers, snuggling into me

I go back to playing with his hair, closing my eyes and thanking whoever's out there that my best friend is now my boyfriend

My perfect Jooheon

#ksmutclub #jooheon smut #lee jooheon #monsta x jooheon #jooheon fic #jooheon #jooheon fanfic #monsta x fanfic #monsta x fic #monsta x fanfiction #monsta x smut

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toujoursmiraculous · 3 years

Text

Thoughts and Reaction to Mr. Pigeon 72!

I knew this was going to be a really good episode, just because the synopsis we got and the trailer seemed pretty bland. Whenever ML does that, a lot of big things happen in that episode. I screamed and choked on my water in the opening scene where Ladybug's with Alya in Marinette's room. I've been looking forward to Alya and Marinette scenes sooo much since Gang of Secrets! Wayzz & Alya: Hey Marinette, you should take a break and rest. Marinette: Nah, I'm good I gotta keep working Alya: YOU'RE LOSING IT, GIRL! Marinette: Don't care, must work Alya: Okay... you know Adrien and Kagami broke up, right? Marinette: Wait what?! Oh no, Kagami needs me! Alya: Not the reaction I was expecting but okay "Let's not wait for the storm to pass, but let's dance in the rain." I really like this quote! Even during bad times, you need to find the good and enjoy it. And Marinette reaaaally needs to do that. But in a literal sense, please don't dance outside during a dangerous storm.

ALYA AND TRIXX ALDJFSLJDS oh I love them, I'm so happy we'll get to see more of them. The way they both reacted to Marinette saying she has to go console Kagami, they weren't expecting that. xD But I was! I find it very amusing how in episodes like Frightningale she was more upset with Chloe being Ladybug than Chloe being in a video with Adrien that Alya's shocked by her decision, and in Frozer where Marinette was putting Adrien's wants before hers. I really don't understand why people think just because she likes Adrien, she'd not want to help make those around her happy even if it wasn't what she wanted for herself. I'm not surprised at all that Marinette would do this for Kagami, but I'm very happy that she is. "Alya, in Paris, Kagami has no other friend except me. Only I can console her." This makes me so happy. The only times in this show I like Kagami, is when she's with Marinette. After watching this episode, I'm more and more thankful she finally told Alya about being Ladybug I don't even want to know the state she'd be in had she not. O.O She almost ran out of her room as Ladybug (whoops), then almost ran out in her pjs (again, oops). Thanks to Alya, she didn't do either. xD That little detail where Marinette runs out and the sun's really intense, letting us know she's been inside a really long time, so everything outside is really bright. I really appreciate the little things like that. Or at least, that's what I take it as. Unless they're hinting at summer coming up soon... Dang Marinette, just jumps on Kagami's back LOL Kind of reminds me how Chat Noir likes to come up on Ladybug. xD "Your so original friend." Marinette is pretty original! I know the tone implies that's not a good thing, but eh. She's letting her go with Marinette and spend time away, so who cares! Marinette trying really hard to convince Kagami to get back with Adrien and how she's going to help her. I think it's really sweet of her, but Kagami of course clearly doesn't want to. Plagg: What's wrong with you, jumping into ice water! YOU'RE LOSING IT! Adrien: *exposes duffle bag full of Camembert* Plagg: I take back everything I said about you Also huh, Alya just told Marinette she's losing it, now Plagg tells Adrien he's losing it...hmmm. Bob Roth is a horrible person and each time we see him, he does something else to show it. Poor Adrien's allergic to pigeons specifically. I guess he's okay with some birds but not others? Idk? But he told Gabriel it'd be doves, so he approved. But it turned out to be pigeons instead. To be fair, at least in the US, Mourning Doves are often mistaken as pigeons, at least where I live, so they'd make a decent substitute... if it wasn't for Adrien's allergy. Adrien in Gorizilla to Wayhem: If you stop following me around screaming, I think we could be good friends! Wayhem with Cardboard Cut-out Adrien in Mr. Pigeon 72: ADRIENNNNNNN! :/ Marinette has a bag full of everything she may need in all kinds of situations. Comes in handy but good grief girl! How do you lug that all around??? What kind of scenarios do you think up to think of

some of that stuff!? Marinette's so adorable in her bathing suit awwww! Dude. Bob Roth. He said he's allergic to pigeons! And you blame Mr. Ramier because Adrien sneezed and it scared the pigeon away? How is this man successful again? He doesn't listen to anything or anybody. Marinette's like hey Kagami, look at Adrien. You'll start liking him again. Do you feel your heart beating fast now? And she's like "I feel especially bad for the trainer (Mr. Ramier)". I mean same though. He's being treated horribly! x.x Next take, Adrien dives and he sees Marinette with Kagami. But I think he only saw Marinette. Because he says he thought he saw a friend from school (Kagami doesn't attend their school, just the fencing class, as far as we're aware) and also he makes no mention of Kagami at all in this episode. Which means...

Why's your jaw dropping at the sight of your "just a friend" in a bathing suit, Adrien? And, you know, Kagami's literally right there in a bathing suit, too. Just saying. But it's like she's not even there to him. Hmmmmm. Poor Kagami's like, this entire thing is embarrassing, I feel embarrassed for me, Adrien, and this situation. Kagami: Marinette, stop! It's getting crazy! Marinette: Love is crazy! Don't think about it! I love how the more Marinette tries to help Kagami, the more things are working out in Marinette's favor. Interesting, isn't it? The more she tries to tell Adrien her feelings and make opportunities for them, the more they fail. The more she tries to help Kagami, or someone else, the more opportunities for her land in her lap. Hahahahaha the way they both fall LOL "Marinette? 😮" *guilty smile* AND THEN THEY TAKE DOWN POOR EDGAR! :( Mr. Ramier's in the background giving the poor bird CPR as he's drowned and Marinette and Adrien are just casually talking not paying attention lolol "What are you doing here?" "I came to surprise you." Kind of, she was hoping to help Kagami get back with Adrien. So that's a kind of surprise! "Uh, well to relax!" True too, actually. Alya did send her off because she needed to get out of the house and relax from her Ladybug and Guardian duties. Marinette, everyone needs to be careful when at a pool. Clumsy people like you especially need to be careful! lol Good thing Adrien's already seen her fall so many times, it's nothing new lol Gabriel: It's a failure Bob Roth: It's not my fault, it's his! Mr. Ramier: You are under arrest! Edgar is my best friend. He's the most intelligent of the pigeons! Gabriel: It's a pigeon Bob Roth: WHAAAT? IT'S A PIGEON? RAMIER, YOU LIED TO ME. Sorry Gabriel, I'll replace this man! I know a shark trainer First off... LOL that whole scene XDD I actually knew Bob Roth was going to say that entire thing before I heard it lolol Second... awww Edgar's okay! c: and third... I'M SORRY, YOU WANT OUR PRECIOUS BOY TO BE AROUND SHARKS?!?!? Who keeps this man employed?!?! Idk why but this whole time I thought that everyone would turn into giant talking pigeons lol ah well "I realized my mistake! We'll recreate the moment where you fell in love!" ohhh? Like I mentioned earlier, whenever she tries to do something to help Kagami (or someone else) that's when her intentions work out best for her. 😉 One of my favorite things from Style Queen was Plagg and Ladybug working together. Now they're working together again and just... ahhhh I gushed so much at that scene! x3 YESSSSSSS what I've been waiting for! Ladybug can just call Alya now and be like hey, I need your help! And Alya can just be like okay cool, and either goes to her room to get the Miraculous herself, or finds her and gets the Miraculous. So cool! Of course, I'll be most excited if she ever gets to just keep it on her, but... baby steps. Rena did a phenomenal job speaking as both Ladybug and Chat Noir lol. She's such a fan of them both, she knows just how they are around each other. Oh, oh no. We're trapped against a wall by a few pigeons. Looks like our only option is to give up and remove our Miraculous and reveal our identities. Are you seriously buying that, Gabriel? Plagg's like HELLO I'll be taking this! Alya did everything from inside Marinette's room. Ladybug was trapped in that room at the pool the entire time. All it took for this akuma to be defeated was Illusion that can be done from anywhere and Plagg getting the object off Mr. Pigeon. That's amazing! Also, this is the first time Ladybug didn't have to actually see things around her to know what to do. She just focused and thought about it. o.o Okay so hold up. Thanks to Alya, Marinette now knows she can create charms to protect past akuma victims and keep them from getting reakumatized, which is wonderful. I love how much of an impact Alya knowing is having! BUT How exactly does Monsier Rat come about then if he has a charm to protect him??? 🤔🤔🤔 I really like how her drive to want to figure things out was

especially because Mr. Ramier's been akumatized so many times, and she wanted to help him from having to continue to go through that. "This girl is truly Miraculous" awww cute how he got to just watch that this time.

I screamed at this moment because I knew. Since Origins, we have not seen this exact sky. Even during rainy scenes like in Chat Blanc or New York, they didn't look like this. YES, Kagami knows that the way Marinette feels about Adrien shows how much she loves him, but she knows she doesn't feel that way about Adrien too. And "You're right, Adrien is perfect... perfect for you." With a smile and everything! Awwwwww! This acceptance, and the Marinette and Kagami friendship in this episode is really, really good! 😭 "Wow, have you kept it [the umbrella] all this time?" She sure wasn't expecting that!! But wow Adrien, you noticed? Then Coup de Foudre happens again. Yeah, this girl is never getting out of her feelings for him.

Of course she's having trouble with her words still, but that's okay. But she's like oh, I'll give it back, and he just pushes it to her and says she'll need it to get home... unless she'd like a ride with him. AND SHE ACTUALLY ACCEPTED AND WRAPPED HER ARM AROUND HIS OMG.

To then only have the umbrella close on BOTH of them!

AND THEN ASKS IF HE WANTS TO WALK INSTEAD BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE UMBRELLA! She's come so far! And the sheer disappointment when he remembers he can't because of his Chinese lesson :/ And then, because he can't not be looking at Marinette, he hits the back of his head on the car, making himself look silly, just like in Origins she made herself look silly. This time she laughs, and he laughs with her. And it's literally Umbrella Scene 2.0 and it's absolutely everything.

DORKS ❤️❤️❤️ "They are made for each other." awwwww instead of Master Fu, this time it's Kagami. And she sounds very okay with that, that's so nice. "Let's not wait for the storm to pass, but let's dance in the rain." Then proceeds to dance in the rain!

Ahhh what a refreshing, good episode after how much she's been struggling and crying! So lovely! Her friendships with Alya and Kagami were really strong in this episode, her doing her best to help her friend with the guy she herself has always liked, and then Kagami was the one that wasn't really into it, and it made both girls realize that Marinette loves Adrien and is the one best for him, not Kagami. And I'm pretty sure this episode helped Adrien to open his eyes to Marinette more too. At least, this is the beginning of that, anyway! Alya's such a tremendous help to Ladybug now, which is everything. I do wonder if more friends will very slowly start to find out her identity and they end up contributing more to bringing down Hawk Moth, so she really, really isn't alone like she once thought. I don't really have any complaints about this episode at all! Just a bit sad we had no actual Chat Noir, but we got Ladybug and Plagg from it, so it's fine with me! x3 I know some may see it as "Chat Noir isn't necessary, how dare they do this to him!" but no, he's very necessary, sometimes he just can't be there and she can't do it alone. You have to remember how much Chat Noir means to Ladybug, and that she wouldn't even BE Ladybug if it weren't for Chat Noir! I'm really curious now about what episode 5 is, since now we've gotten Episodes 1-4, 6, we're getting 7,8, and 13 later, and we've already gotten 11. Filling in the gaps for the first half of the season! This entire week is going to be crazy with the new episodes, and for each one I'll be writing one of these posts for, so be on the look out for them!

#ml #miraculous ladybug #miraculous tales of ladybug and chat noir #ml spoilers #ml spoilers season 4 #ml season 4 spoilers #mr pigeon 72 #mr pigeon 72 spoilers #adrienette #marinette dupain-cheng #adrien agreste #ladybug #alya cesaire #rena rouge #plagg #ahhhh such a sweet ep!

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silksandcravats · 4 years

Note

idk if this is too specific so sorry if it is but recently I've just been feeling like a burden to everyone I know and could use some comfort via fictional characters about it lmao, if it isn't too much to ask could you do something with flip comforting the reader that feels this way? sorry if its weird okaybye

A/N: Of course sweet anon! It’s not weird at all, I know the feeling! Hope this piece serves as a little pick-me-up!

masterlist

Summary: Flip’s girl is feeling down.

WARNINGS: just more soft Flip.

You couldn’t think of a worst time for the feeling to strike, but here you were staring at the floor, pretending to listen to the conversation around you.

To be totally honest, you knew you weren’t in the right mindset for this gathering before you even left the house, you had only been seeing Flip for a couple of months but he always asks so little of you, and he does so much for you. So when he mentioned one of the guys from the station was hosting a barbeque and drinks, and that some girlfriends and wives were tagging along, you felt you had to be there for him.

You tried your hardest to play the part, even though you didn’t recognise many faces. You pushed a smile to your face as often as you could remember to, and you nodded along politely to anyone who reached out to try to make small talk with you, but you just couldn’t pick it up.

After your third pity conversation failed, with a wife who probably only started talking to you because she noticed you standing alone and felt bad for you, you gave up and went to find Flip, feeling like a total failure. You couldn’t manage to make any friends and now he was going to have to deal with you, poor guy couldn’t get a break. Of course he didn’t do anything but smile when he saw you retreating back to him.

“Hey honey,” he grinned, Coors in hand, he leaned over pressing a quick kiss to the side of your head, before returning to the conversation at hand. The gesture tugged at your heartstrings, I don’t deserve you, you thought sadly.

And now here you were staring at the floor, lost in thought. Thinking about how much space you took up in everyone’s lives. You felt like you’d been at the house decades, but really it couldn’t have been more than a couple of hours.

“Honey?” Suddenly you were brought back to reality by Flip nudging your side. Your head snapped up looking at the little circle you had forced your way into. Shit. What had they been talking about?

“Sorry, what was that?” you asked.

“I said you ok there y/n?” asked one the woman standing next to Ron, Patrice? Was it?

“Oh, yeah, sorry, totally zoned out for a second, um, do you know where the restroom is?” You spit out. Yeah, that’s all you needed, you could go to the bathroom, pull yourself together, and then you’d be the best girlfriend you could for Flip.

“Down the hall, it’s the second door.” Another voice answered, pointing a beer towards the hall. You nodded, turning to walk away from the group, but before you could walk away Flip grasped your hand, squeezing it tightly.

“You okay sweetie?” He asked softly, leaning down slightly so only you could hear him. Your heart cracked, please don’t worry about me.

“Yeah, I’ll be right back, don’t worry.” You smiled, lying through your teeth. You looked at his face, he was frowning, looking at you sadly, he didn’t believe you. “Truly.” you squeezed his hand, before hurrying off.

You were happy to find the bathroom unoccupied. Closing the door quickly, you locked it and slid down to the floor, the tears came as soon as you were alone. Why’d you always have to ruin everything? You thought miserably. Why couldn’t you just play your part? Was it really so hard to follow along in a conversation? And now you’d probably embarrassed Flip, or stressed him out, the last thing he needed was more stress, he worked so hard and he deserved to just enjoy himself for once but you had ruined it. The thought made you cry harder, and you had to pull your arm over your mouth to muffle your sobs.

Suddenly the sharp sound of knuckles wrapping the door, and someone jiggling the locked doorknob interrupted you. Great, now someone had heard you. You held your breath and, not knowing how else to send the message that the toilet was occupied, you kicked the cabinet across from you softly, hoping whoever was outside would hear and seek out a different bathroom.

“y/n? It’s Flip, will you unlock the door please?” called the voice on the other side. Shit shit shit. You’d been caught mid-breakdown and now he was going to have to pick up the pieces, or maybe he’d just leave you already. Accepting defeat, you scooched over to the door, it unlocked with a soft click, and you scooted back to your old spot. You pressed the heels of your palms harshly against your eyes, trying to compose yourself as you heard the door open.

“Oh honey,” Flip cooed softly, closing the door behind him and locking it again. He crouched down in front of you, gently pulling your hands away from your face, holding them in his, running soft circles over the back of your hand with his thumb. “What happened?”

“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry Flip.” You cried as fresh waves of tears trickle down your cheeks.

“What do you mean baby? Ain’t got nothing to be sorry for.” he reached up cupping the side of your face in one of his rough hands, gently wiping away your tears.

“I just,” you sniffle, “I just feel like such a burden Phil, you do so much for me and I can’t even do this one event for you without going and s-spoiling everything.”

“Oh sweet girl, come here,” he moved, sitting against the wall, he tugged you into his lap, one hand found the back of your head cradling it in the crook of his neck, his other hand rubbing up and down your back, soothing you. “My sweet, sweet girl you couldn’t be more wrong.” you cried harder, clinging to him. “You do so much for me, you don’t even know, pumpkin. You’re so so good to me. Wish you weren’t so hard on yourself.”

“But-but.” you hiccup.

“Shh, this is my fault baby I-”

“No!” You protested pulling away to look at him, you took a deep breath gathering your composure. “You didn’t do anything Flip, I’m just being ridiculous I-”

“Gorgeous, listen to me.” he interrupted, grabbing your face. “I don’t tell you enough how much you mean to me. You are so dear to me honey, you hear me?” he stared at you and you nodded. “And I am so proud of you.” he leaned forward, kissing your forehead, and you grabbed one of his arms, holding it fondly.

“Proud of me?”

“Mhmm.” he hummed, pulling back to look at you again, his hand wandered to your face, affectionately moving his knuckle up and down your cheekbone. “Saw you out there, mingling, making friends for me.”

“I didn’t do a good job though,” you laughed sadly, looking away. “Had to give up and go running back to you.”

“I love when you come running to me baby, makes me feel loved,” he grins. “Hey, look at me?” you comply immediately. “You’re not a burden. Understand me? Couldn’t even be one if you wanted to. I love it when you let me in on your problems, ok? Love when you let me take care of you. You gotta promise to tell me next time you feel this way, got it?” you nod. “Promise?”

“I promise.” you wrapped your arms around his neck, hugging him again.

“That’s my girl.” he praised, pulling you tight to him, rocking the two of you back and forth, making you giggle. You sat like that for a moment longer, before he patted your thigh, signalling you up. You pulled yourself to one side, no longer straddling him. “Let’s get out of here,” he said, leaning against the wall to stand, pulling you up with him.

“We don’t have to.” You offered, still feeling the tiniest bit guilty.

“I know,” he said leaning down to kiss you, “I want to.”

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cherryblossomstars · 4 years

Text

I. Oxford (W. Ushijima)

Taken from my AO3 series of one-shots & reposted here

Pairing: Ushijima x F!Reader

Word count: 2,636 (oops)

Genre: Fluff/Kinda crack

Summary: Aoba Johsai's volleyball team has never been able to defeat the Great Ushiwaka of Shiratorizawa. Their manager, however? She can bring him to his knees in mere seconds.

Or, Ushijima Wakatoshi is helplessly in love with Seijoh's Ace's twin sister, and the Aoba Johsai VBC is not appreciative of it.

"Oh, really? When's your next practice match? I'll try to make it." You talk into your phone and you practically send the hinges on your twin brother's door flying.

Hajime lays on his bed and looks up at you from his phone with an annoyed face. You ignore the threatening glare being sent your way, and flop yourself onto his stomach. He groans quietly, trying not to interrupt your call, and tries to shove you off. His efforts, however, are futile and he eventually accepts his death by his sister's hands (or, more accurately, stomach).

Oikawa, who was sitting on the floor of your darling brother's room, looks away from the video game he was playing on the TV to send you a questioning look.

"Friday. Can you go?" Your boyfriend, the eternal rival of the man sitting on the floor, responds.

"Mm," You hold the phone slightly away from your face, "Hajime, did I have anything planned on Friday?"

"How the hell would I- oh, yeah, movie night." He answers.

You scrunch your face up and put the phone back against your ear, "what time's the game?"

Oikawa and Hajime immediately groan when they connect two and two together, realizing you were talking to none other than the great Ushijima Wakatoshi himself.

"She can't go!" Oikawa yells, "movie night's actually gonna be all day!"

"Then... why is it called movie night..." Your boyfriend asks. You can practically see the tilt of his head and the furrow of his brows.

"Ugh, ignore him," you stick your tongue out at your captain and lightly push your foot against his head, which he was leaning against the bed frame.

I will bite you Oikawa mouths at you.

Fucking try it you scowl at him.

He purses his lips and instead turns back around to play on your brother's Switch.

"So, what time's the game?" You ask again.

"If you will be watching movies with your team, then-"

You sigh, "seriously, what time is it gonna be? If it's before it starts then I'll be able to make it. Might have to leave early, though."

"Four thirty." He responds.

You hum in thought, "hmm... Movie night's gonna start around six. Think it'll last that long?"

"Maybe."

"If you finish early, wanna join?" You bite back a laugh when you watch Hajime and Oikawa's heads snap towards you. Oikawa looks like he might pass out at the thought of Wakatoshi crashing an Aoba Johsai movie night, and Hajime is furiously shaking his head at you.

"I'm not sure your team would like that." Wakatoshi concludes.

You lightly laugh, "you're right, they wouldn't, but that's why I'm asking."

"What kind of manager are you?! Traitor!" Oikawa yells in distress. "Gimme that!" He makes grabby hands at your phone.

You hold him back by pressing your foot against his head, "I'll be there, Toshi. See you then. Love you."

"See you then. I love you too." Click

You put your phone down and turn your focus to your two toddlers boys. Oikawa has once again paused his game and Hajime isn't sure if he's willing to intervene the stare down going on between you and your team captain. You try to crack a smile, but he's still not impressed.

"Zumi-Chan..." He rests his chin on the edge of the bed and pouts at you, "why would you do that?"

You can't help but internally coo at the face he's making at you. You sit up, finally releasing your brother from death by crushing, and run your fingers through his hair. "Sorry, Oikawa, you know I didn't mean it."

He sits up and leans towards you, "finally gonna profess your undying love for me?"

Your eye twitches and before you can respond, a pillow hits him smack in the middle of his face and he falls back onto the floor. "O-ow! Iwa-chan... So mean..."

"Stay the hell away from my sister, Kusokawa." He threatens, holding up another pillow in preparation for another unwarranted comment.

He puffs his cheeks out, "I know, I know." He takes one of the joy-cons off and waves it in front of you, "in the mood for a round of Smash? Iwa-chan's trash." Another pillow comes flying at him, but he effectively dodges it. Hajime takes another pillow from his bed and, instead of throwing it this time, just whacks him with it. Oikawa is only able to let out a whimper and crawls onto the bed, situating himself behind you.

You can't help but laugh out loud, "Oiks, you only call him trash cause you're a really sore loser."

"Not true!" He hands you a joy-con. "Now, c'mon. Let's play. You guys bought all the DLC and I wanna play as Joker."

"Prepare for a shameful defeat." You smirk and choose your character.

"Isabelle? Zumi-chan, you honestly choose the most awful characters." He huffs.

You shrug, "yeah, I know. It's gonna be a lot more humiliating if you lose to Isabelle. Prepare to get your ass handed to you, Oiks."

Until your third year at Kitagawa Daiichi, your world had been blue. Kitagawa Daiichi's school colors had been blue. Your brother and Oikawa have always worn blue. Those two had been your whole life. Hajime, your twin brother, who you loved dearly. When you were born, you were literally born blue. Because you were a weak baby, the nurse had stuck your twin into the same incubator as you. This resulted in an almost immediate improvement in your health, and the both of you are rarely seen apart. Oikawa, your brother's best friend (and also therefore yours), whose soul cannot be described as anything but a bright, burning blue flame has never failed to be there for you, either.

Your world has always been surrounded by blue. Aoba Johsai's colors were white and blue for God's sake. It's a color you've grown to love. It was familiar, it had an all-enveloping warmth. When you thought of the people and the things you loved, you'd have to think of the color blue, too.

And then Shiratorizawa brought in their new cannon, Ushijima Wakatoshi.

Being a star volleyball player yourself, you had been too busy with your own games and tournaments throughout your middle school career to make it to a lot of the boys' volleyball games to support Hajime and Oikawa. You'd heard complaints about the Great Ushiwaka from not only Oikawa, but the whole volleyball team. The first time you'd actually seen Ushiwaka in person was on the court against your junior high in your third year.

With the third year of junior high came the great Ushiwaka, who crashed into your life and completely and unapologetically shattered your blue world. With him came a drop of maroon, and suddenly everything was different.

Kitagawa had lost. Oikawa was beyond upset, but swore he would defeat Ushiwaka one day. You waited at the gymnasium's foyer for the boys' volleyball team to finish their huddle so you could comfort your friends.

Shiratorizawa had finished their huddle first and began to leave. While most of them had already left the building, there you stood right in front of the gym's entrance and pointing a finger at the ace of the opposing team. Said ace still recalls this memory fondly, since it was the first time the both of you had met.

"You're awful." You had said with an accusatory finger pointed directly at his face.

The stolid face of Ushijima Wakatoshi had broken into one of shock. This girl, who was wearing a Kitagawa volleyball jacket and had to practically tilt her head at a ninety degree angle just to look at him, had just called him awful.

"I apologize if I have upset-"

You dropped your hand to rest on your hip. "Your spikes are ridiculous. It's obvious your setter was having a hard time keeping up with you. You need to be more consistent with your spikes. And your form needs some fixing too. If you're able to maintain your form, you're open to a lot more options while you're still in mid-air."

He tilts his head, "why are you giving me advice? I am your enemy."

You shrugged, "volleyball is volleyball. As a setter myself, it pisses me off when your spikes and your setter's sets aren't connecting well."

"You are a setter?"

You nodded, "yep." A smirk made its way to your face, "that said... You're actually really impressive. No, actually you're incredible. Especially in middle school. You've got more room for improvement, but seriously... I've never seen an ace like you before. Good job out there today."

"You are not upset I defeated your team?" He was normally confused in the manners of other people's feelings, but you were another anomaly entirely.

"You've got amazing skills. Sometimes it just can't be helped." You explained. "Don't get me wrong though. I'm upset that my team is upset. But as for the loss itself... it was a fair game. It's not like you cheated." You see Hajime and Oikawa enter the foyer. "Sorry, gotta go. But consider what I said, 'kay?"

"Yes." He nodded.

"Oh! I'm Iwaizumi [Name], by the way. I'll be going to Aoba Johsai next year."

He furrowed his brows, why was she telling him this? "I'm Ushijima Wakatoshi. I will be attending Shiratorizawa next year."

"Good." You begin to walk off, hands in your jacket's pockets, "I'd better see you at the spring high tournament next year, then. See you around, Ushiwaka."

Ushiwaka. Ah, so she's friends with Oikawa. "Set for me."

You spun around, "eh?"

"Set for me. You told me what I need to improve on and that my setter is having trouble keeping up with me. You said you are a setter."

"W-Well, yeah, but..."

"Then set for me. You want to improve as a setter, and I want to improve as an ace."

What Hajime and Oikawa don't know won't kill them. You held your hand out, and he gave you his phone. You quickly typed it in. "I'm usually free on weekends. I have morning practice on Mondays and Thursdays, so I'm free after school then. Afternoon practice on all the other weekdays. I'm out by six thirty on those days. Got it?"

He didn't, but he nodded anyway.

And thus, you were given the title of Ushiwaka's favorite setter.

Regardless, it was still hard to deal with the malice of Shiratorizawa when you went to their practice games. You were sticking out like a sore fucking thumb. You had come after school, meaning you were still in your Aoba Johsai uniform. You had gotten permission to be on campus, of course, but the intimidation just came with being from a rival school. You stood on the balcony, watching the boys stretch before their practice match. You gave a little wave to your boyfriend when you made eye contact, which he returned with a small smile. Tendou Satori watched him with confusion before turning to what he was looking at. When he noticed you, he excitedly waved at you.

"[Name]!" He yelled, a bright smile taking over his face. His exclamation caused not only the Shiratorizawa volleyball boys to turn to look at you, but the other team turned in curiosity as well. You mentally face palmed and felt your face grow red.

You gave a sheepish wave and the Shiratorizawa boys greeted you with glee before getting yelled at by Coach Washijo.

The first part of the game went well, but at the beginning of the second set the opposing team's setter landed the wrong way and hurt his ankle really badly. With him being the only setter, the opposing team wasn't sure what to do. Both they and Shiratorizawa wanted to continue, but without a setter...

"Iwaizumi, can you set?" Coach Washijo called from the floor, turning to look at you. Consequently, so did everyone currently on the gym floor.

"Eh? Me?" You pointed at yourself, "but... Um, I'm a girl."

"It's a practice match." He said matter-of-factly.

"I-Uh-I'm in uniform." You refute.

"You can't set in your uniform?" He asked.

Your eye twitches, "but... Why not make Eita-san set for them?"

"We need our pinch server." Ah, damn. You're out of rebuttals.

"Yeah, sure, I can set." You answer. "I guess." You mutter under your breath and make your way downstairs.

You strip off your school jacket, sweater, and tie and put on a practice jersey.

"Should you be playing in a skirt?" Tendou brings up.

"It's fine. I won't be jumping high enough for me to flash you guys, anyway. Besides," you smirk, "if you're paying attention to that, then your eyes aren't on the ball."

You turn to the team you will now be playing for, introducing yourself.

"Iwaizumi?" One of the players asks, "like the ace from Seijoh?"

"He's my twin brother." You explain.

"And you're a setter, huh? Good matchup. Did you learn from Oikawa, then?" He continues.

"Yeah, actually. I got into volleyball because of them. Everything I know about setting is because of Oikawa." You really hope your praise doesn't somehow make it's way to Oikawa himself. You didn't need to raise his ego any more.

"That's amazing! Let's do this, then." The team captain sets out the plan.

While Shiratorizawa had taken the first set, the addition of you on the opposing team had allowed your side to take the second set. Tendou had called you a traitor at the end of the second set. They had taken back the third set, anyway.

You were a few minutes late to movie night with the Seijoh team, but you shot the Seijoh groupchat a quick explanation before the third set began. Wakatoshi offered to walk you home, which you gladly accepted.

"You are my favorite setter." He says to you.

"Don't let Shirabu or Eita hear you say that." You joke.

"I think you have the same effect on me as Oikawa has on his own team." He explains to you.

You look at him in shock, "that's... that's a serious compliment, Toshi. Thank you." You've always looked up to Oikawa as a fellow setter. His skill was unparalleled. People could say he wasn't a genius or a prodigy, but he more than made up for it with the hard work he put into his career. Oikawa Tooru is what every setter wants to be. Sure, that first year from Karasuno (Kadokawa? You can't remember) could set with pin-point accuracy, but Oikawa's leadership skills and experience far outclassed his. Not to mention his charisma.

"Or perhaps it is because I simply trust you with everything I have." He brings up.

"Oh, so it's not because I'm a good setter." You jokingly pout, but when you gaze up at him he has a hint of a teasing expression on his face.

He simply hums in response and the both of you stop in front of your house. Before you can even open your mouth to say something, your front door bursts open.

"There she is!" Oikawa yells, standing in front of the doorway with the rest of the Seijoh team standing behind him, barely in view. His eyes narrow at the man standing next to you. "You."

You roll your eyes, "go back inside, Oiks. I'll be right there."

"You're already half an hour late." Matsukawa mentions.

"Seriously, do you have any manners? You even brought Ushiwa-"

"Maki, seriously? Right now?" You groan and turn to face Wakatoshi once again. "The band of idiots require me. I'll see you next time, Toshi. Love you." You press a chaste kiss to his lips.

"I love you too." He waves to you as you walk inside the house. When the door shuts, he walks off and touches his lips with a soft smile.

Fin.

#ushijima x reader #ushijima wakatoshi x reader #ushijima wakatoshi #haikyuu #haikyuu fanfiction #haikyuu x reader #shiratorizawa #aoba johsai x reader

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changingourdestiny · 4 years

Text

Light in the Dark Finale: Let Light Shine Through

Summary:

Things have taken a turn for the worse in the Black Garden. The Fireteam are barely standing and it looks like this is the end for our heroes.

But there is a Light that even the Darkness can't extiguish...

Previous Part: Here

‘How…how did this happen…? How did we fall…so quickly…?’

The ringing in Rae’s ears was almost unbearable. She had been knocked to the ground; her auto-rifle thrown several feet away from her. Her vision was slightly blurry as she tried to look around her. There was only one of the statues remaining, but the team were on their last legs. Adam was struggling to hold back swarms of Goblins and keep his shield up at the same time to protect a downed Blaze, who was battered and bruised with Firefly trying her best to heal her.

Wait…where…where’s the statue?

As Rae’s vision began to focus, she saw Blaze desperately reaching out to her, seeming to be yelling something. Rae turned onto her side and her eyes widened upon seeing what stood above her. The statue was looming above her, gun pointed right at her head. Rae was frozen in fear as a million thoughts flew around in her head.

‘I failed…’

‘What do I do?’

‘They’re going to die and it’s my fault!’

‘I’m scared…’

‘I let everyone down…’

‘I’m alone…I’m all alone…’

“Don’t worry. I’m here.”

Time almost seemed to slow as the motherly voice from a day prior once again entered Rae’s head, “You can’t let your destiny end here, starlight. Tell me…why do you fight? Why have you risked so much to be here?”

“I…I want to protect everyone.” Rae felt the words tumble out without even thinking, “I don’t care about what happens to me. I just want to keep the people I care about safe. Please…let me save them…”

“You don’t need me to do that.” Rae almost heard a smile in the voice, “You had that strength long before you were even revived. Focus. Close your eyes.”

Rae did as the voice said and closed her eyes, “The Traveller, my own creator, gave you its Light when your Ghost revived you. But you were born with my own Light. A Light that preserves life by destroying those who seek to end it. Focus on those who you love and who love you. Focus on those who you wish to protect. Feel the bonds you have with these people fuel that Light and feel it grow and grow.”

Rae thought about her Ghost…Blaze…Adam…Eris…the Vanguard…everyone she met since she was revived. She felt a warm sensation well up within her chest. It grew bigger…and bigger…until it felt like it was going to burst out of her chest.

“Now…let your Light shine, starlight.”

Blaze and Adam winced as a sudden plume of bright light shot up from where Rae was lying on the ground. “What’s going on?!” Blaze exclaimed, “What is that?!”

“Whoa!!! That’s really bright!!!” Firefly yelped in surprise. “I don’t know what it is…” Stormbringer was awestruck, “It feels like Light, but…it’s different somehow. I’ve never seen anything like it!”

The light scattered and disappeared to reveal a familiar figure floating in front of the Vex statue, who had been shielding itself from the light. There was Rae, but she was different. Her eyes had gold sclera and white, glowing pupils. Her markings and the patch of plum hair were also gold. Emanating from her back were two large golden wings with a white outline. She stared at the statue with a glare of intense determination and fury. “Lumen Justitiam.” Rae held out her arm as a blast of golden energy went flying towards the statue. It stumbled back, letting out a horrified, robotic screech as Blaze and Adam just watched on in awe and shock. “Draconis Hastam.” Rae held her hand in the air as a golden spear materialised and shot right through the statue. And another. And another. Several spears buried into the statue, it still screaming in a mix of rage and agony. It finally crumpled to the ground. The Heart began to vigorously shift as the last Vex statue fell. Rae pointed a finger at the Heart, “Ultimum Judicium.” The markings on Rae’s arm began to glow brightly and a golden blast in the shape of a dragon went soaring towards the Heart, impacting it with an enormous explosion. The sound rocketed around the three Guardians as a bright light engulfed their vision.

“…ae…”

“…R…ey…”

“..Rae…Rae! Hey, get up!”

Rae winced as she slowly opened her eyes, now their usual silver colour with the rest of her body back to normal. She saw Blaze and Adam looking down at her with concern. “Mn…Blaze? Adam? W…what happened?” The two Guardian’s expressions shifted from worry to relief. Blaze breathed a sigh of relief, “Geez…don’t scare us like that!” Rae��s vision cleared to see the Martian night sky, “Where are we?”

“We’re back on Mars.” Ghost replied, hovering beside his Guardian, “After you fired…whatever that was, and destroyed the Heart, he shroud of Darkness lifted and Light returned to the Traveller!”

Rae’s memories came back to her. That strange voice, the warm feeling in her chest, the strange Light-like power she wielded as she struck down the Vex and the Heart. “We…we won…” Rae muttered in a mix of shock and relief as a smile creeped onto her face. Adam nodded with a smile as Blaze chuckled, “Yeah…yeah, we did it!”

Rae began to laugh in joy and relief as she hugged her teammates, “We won!”

“Hell yeah!” Blaze cheered as she hugged her best friend back and Adam fist pumped the air. “I don’t want to spoil the moment,” Ghost began, “But the Speaker is calling us home.” Rae nodded as she pulled away from the group hug and glanced between her teammates. “Fireteam Paralight…let’s go home.”

———————————————————————

In the Tower Plaza, many Guardians and Tower staff, including the Vanguard and Fireteam Paralight, stood before the Speaker as he delivered a speech, “For centuries we feared the forces of Darkness massing against us. We sought to hide and cower beneath a broken God. No more.” The Speaker motioned to the Guardians of Paralight, “These Guardians show us what we are, what we have always been and what we will be again. We are what remains of the Light…and we will not be stamped out.”

A cheer erupted from the crowd as everyone began to celebrate, other Guardians congratulating the Fireteam on their victory. “Hey, look at you guys!” Cayde cheered as he, Zavala and Ikora strolled up to the Guardians, “Barely Guardians and you’re already big heroes!”

“Well done, Guardians.” Zavala nodded, a small smile on his face. Ikora glanced around in confusion, “Has anyone seen Rae?”

“I thought she was with you.” Blaze replied.

High above the Plaza, Rae entered the Tower Loading Bay to see a familiar figure standing near the edge. “Hey, stranger.” Rae greeted as she walked up beside the female Exo. She gave a nod to Rae as she looked out over the Plaza, “It's a day for pretty speeches and medals. But we know the real fight takes place out there.”

“We’ll face it eventually.” Rae replied, a determined smile on her face, “But for now…we celebrate. It’s a first of many steps to healing the Traveller, but a step none the less.”

“A positive way of thinking…in times like these, it’s hard to see the brighter side. Some would call you naïve for thinking in such a way…but I feel that it’s people like you that wars like these need.” The Exo held out a rifle to Rae, “Take this. There is so much more, Guardian. I've seen terrible things born out in the Darkness. Every moment brings them closer.”

“We’ll be ready.” Rae nodded, accepting the rifle, “Just you wait. The Darkness won’t win.” The Exo looked out into the distance, “All ends are beginnings… Our fight is far from over.” The Exo began to walk off before disappearing in a blue flash.

“RAE!!!”

Rae jumped upon hearing Blaze’s voice from the Plaza below. She looked down to see the Awoken Hunter with Adam and the Vanguard, “Hurry up, hero!! We’re getting ramen and Zavala’s buying!!”

“Coming!” Rae yelled back as she ran towards the exit of the loading bay. “Do I get a say in this?” Zavala raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think so, buddy.” Cayde laughed as he took off towards the City. Zavala just sighed in defeat as he and Ikora followed Cayde into the City, Fireteam Paralight not far behind.

‘We were considered heroes. Three Kinderguardians who took down the Black Garden within only a month of being together. And we went on to do so much more. We took down Crota. Blaze lead us on a mission with the Reef to track down Skolas, the Kell of Kells. We avenged the Reef Awoken and saved the solar system from the Taken King Oryx. We even fought alongside the Iron Lords and Adam became Saladin’s ‘Young Wolf’. We became known as one of the greatest Fireteams and thought nothing could ever split us apart.

Or at least, I thought so.

In the span of a year after aiding the Iron Lords, we slowly began to drift apart as we began to pursue our own goals. Adam left to help Petra in maintaining order in the Reef, as it fell into chaos upon Mara’s disappearance. Blaze began to take her role as a Hunter more seriously, going on near constant patrols and aiming to become a role model for other Hunters. And me? Well…the Vanguard approached me with an offer. They were considering opening a new Vanguard position for a while now – Fireteam Vanguard. The role would entail providing Fireteams with strategies and information on enemies, training them in teamwork, and providing gear and items that would aid the team as a whole. And after some consideration, they decided to ask me to take the role. Of course, I accepted and began training and doing research to ensure I was prepared for the role.

But one day, Blaze was reported as MIA. And when I returned from going out to find her, no luck in my search, the Tower was ablaze, and the Red Legion had taken over, draining Light from every Guardian in the galaxy. Upon to take down their ship, I was sent plummeting to the earth below by Ghaul, gaining a scar over my left eye in the process. Ghost and I were able to regain my Light, reunite the Vanguard – reuniting with Adam along the way – and defeat Ghaul, restoring Light to all Guardians once more. Many more adventures followed. From aiding the former legendary Warlock Osiris, to defeating the Hive Worm-God Xol, I managed to get through it all. But without Blaze, and with Adam returning to the Reef after the fall of Ghaul, it wasn’t easy on my own. But as long as I stayed positive, I could get through anything, right?

I was such a fool…’

To Be Continued in Forsaken...

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clairecrive · 5 years

Text

Surprise (Putting your studies before Klaus part 2)

As requested by the lovely @delightfullydistinguishedmoon here is the part 2. I hope you like it, I'm not really sure about how it came.

Tag list: @amirra88, @delightfullydistinguishedmoon if you wanna be added or removed let me know!

There's nothing better than taking an exam out of the way. Even better if the exam is the last of your winter session. It feels like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders and now I'm ready to fly again.

To my bed. That's my dream destination right now.

But no matter how tired I was and how much I longed for my bed, I knew that I couldn't just go home and sleep. I had been an awful girlfriend enough already.

My session is over and now I have to make it up to him. I didn't think he would deal with this as good as he did if I have to be honest. So now it's my turn to prove that I'm a good girlfriend.

Now that I'm thinking about it, he didn't send me a 'good morning' text like he usually does. He must really be fed up with this situation.

I tried to call him but I was sent straight to voicemail. Let's hope he's not ignoring me on purpose. Oh well, I'm just going to head over his house and surprise him then.

While I was walking toward the compound it had also occurred to me that yesterday was Valentine's day and I didn't get him a present. In my defence, what could you possibly get to a 1000-year-old hybrid that has seen and has everything.

Exactly, mission impossible.

He probably wasn't expecting anything but I wanted to give him a little something. Even if it wasn't a big deal. Just something that remembers him of me and that makes him know that I actually really care for him.

I guess a collage could be a great idea. Personal but not too much. Yeah, I like it.

I mentally high five myself and walk toward a place that I knew printed photos in little time and also sold frames.

***

As I hoped, it didn't get long to make the photo so after ten minutes ish I made my way into the compound, hoping that Klaus was home.

His supernatural earing should have already made him aware of my presence but knowing how of a prima donna he could be, I call out his name.

In a second I fell the air rushing before me and he is standing in front of him. His face still, his shoulders tense and his arms crossed on his chest.

Here he is in all his glory, I thought taking in his presence. I've always despised with every fibre of my being trousers with a low waist, but oh if they didn't look sexy on him.

I'm sure he was aware of the fact that I was checking him out but his face was still stern. I see, he wasn't going to make this easy.

I smile sweetly at him trying to enter in his good graces. "Hi, boo." I said going in for a hug but he stepped back and went to sit on the couch.

I sigh and not accepting defeat I go and sit beside next to him.

"I know you're mad at me. You have every right to be. I was an awful girlfriend. I'm here to make it up to you, I hope you can forgive me." I say making my best puppy face to make him cave in.

He still refuses to meet my eyes. So I change strategy. I push his back so it was resting on the couch and straddle him taking his face in my hands. Now he has to look at me.

By his bewildered face, I take that he didn't expect me to do such a thing.

"I would be mad at me too right now but baby listen to me, please. I'm really sorry. Although you can't deny that I warned you from the start that this was going to happen. I guess I can work a better schedule in order to spend more time with you during the next session." I say with a serious look on my face.

He sighs when I finish and takes my hands off his face only to hold them over his lap.

"You're right love. I'm not angry, I just didn't think being away from you would be this hard. I just missed you so much." He says before putting his arms around my waist and giving me a tight hug. I circle his neck with mine and embrace him in the same way.

"I missed you too." I say in the crook of his neck. "But now exams are over and we have all the time in the world." I say pulling away while leaving a small kiss on the side of his neck.

Before he could say anything, I stand up and pick up his present.

"So, I didn't forget that yesterday was Valentine's day. As I've told you yesterday I don't really like it, nevertheless I saw that you cared for it so I got you a little something and I thought that we could catch up over lunch." I say sitting back next to him, handing him the bag.

"I'm not that good at cooking but I could fix us something or ever better, we can cook together." I exclaim with excitement.

He smirks, amused by my proposal and putting the bag aside he takes my hands.

"You didn't have to love, but I like your idea. C'mon, let's fix us something and then we can open our presents." Then he gets up taking me with him to the kitchen.

"So you've got me something too?" I grinned

He doesn't reply but looks at me arching his eyebrow as if too say : "you really thought I wouldn't get you anything?"

I smile at him and circling his waist with my arms I sweetly smile at him.

"But you're already my present." Corny, I know but I can't help it.

It's also very out of character for me and he knows it so this failed attempt at being cheesy makes him laugh.

Happiness looks so good on him.

"C'mon you corn ball, let's start before you make my sugar level go up." He jokes and we start cooking.

I don't think I've ever had this much fun with a guy before. But then again, Klaus is not any guy.

#klaus mikealson imagines #klaus mikaelson #klaus mikealson fanfiction #klaus x reader #niklaus x reader #niklaus mikealson imagine #niklaus imagines #niklaus mikaelson #theoriginals #thevampirediaries

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sunriseverse · 5 years

Note

I saw this prompt and it was the most newmann thing i've ever seen lol: We argued so much during a class discussion that we both got kicked out and we’re still arguing outside the class

Newt argues about the stupidest shit

“—absolutely not!” Hermann yells, glaring daggers at him, knuckles white on his cane, which he’s gripping tightly, despite sitting down. “Geißler, that—”

“Out,” interrupts Mr. Hansen, in a tone that he only takes when he is at the end of his rope. “Mr. Gottlieb, Mr. Geißler, you may rejoin us when you are ready to stop disrupting my class.” The pointed look at Hermann makes him flush.

Newton at least has the decency to look shame-faced as he vacates his seat, following Hermann out of the room, silent. For a moment, Hermann thinks that he’s finally shut up, but the assumption proves to be untrue, as he says, “Okay, but I’m right—I mean, technically speaking.”

Hermann feels his lip twitch. “Really?” he asks, “you’re attempting to continue this conversation—this argument—even after you got us sent out of the room for it?”

Newton scowls at him darkly. “Well, if you recall,” he says, peevishly, “you started shouting first, so really, it’s all your fault, really, Hermann.” Hermann purses his lips.

“Don’t call me that,” he snaps, and the other rolls his eyes.

“Well, what else am I meant to call you, dude? It’s your given name,” he complains, spreading his hands and affecting an innocent look. “It could be worse, really—I could be calling you, uh…Herms or something, so be glad.”

“Oh yes, I am so grateful,” Hermann says, deadpan.

The other’s scowl grows. “You could’ve just accepted that I was right and saved us this mess,” he whines, fingers already fidgeting with the hem of his shirt despite the fact that they’ve only been in the hall for two, maybe three minutes.

Hermann sighs. “Your argument is ridiculous,” he points out. “Obviously, as part of the animal kingdom, human flesh constitutes as meat.”

“Yeah, maybe biologically, but philosophically—” Newton’s gesticulating wildly again—“humans are different from animals, at least in the social consciousness.”

“Since when have you paid that any mind?” Hermann shoots back.

The other drags a hand through his hair and lets out a frustrated huff. “You—why am I arguing with you about this? You’re wrong. So just—just sit there in your wrongness and be wrong.”

Hermann raises a brow. “That sounds suspiciously like admitting defeat…Newton.”

(They aren’t allowed back into class)

(On the upside, though, Hermann learns that the other is quite adorable when flustered)

(However, the fact that the conversation is about whether or not a cannibalistic diet, without the consumption of animal meats, constitutes as vegetarianism, does not fail to make a few of their classmates skittish around them for a while afterwards)

#prompt #prompt fic #newmann #actually an argument i've had before...#newton geiszler #hermann gottlieb #pacific rim #fanfic #ask #spinecorset writes

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gotoveritstillloveyou · 3 years

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Aight, so, I'm about to just fucking eviscerate myself, and I need to say some shit before I do so. In fact, the next several chapters is gonna be all dark negative shit about you and me and life and our problems. I decided to save all the cool weird shit till the end.

First of all you can't take this wrong way. This chapter is dedicated to me just saying all the things I did wrong, without any explanation unless it's absolutely required, and I'm bout to just go the fuck off on myself. It's basically a list of horrible memories and reasons to hate me. But look, everyone does bad shit, some more than others, some worse than others. Not everybody does what I'm writing though. I'm about to acknowledge my awareness of what was wrong about me, validate how it affected us, and own up to it.

In general I write and work on all the mistakes of my past and when I work on this specific project I work on all the problems we had and ways we hurt each other. That's not the whole picture. All day long all the time, I think about all our good memories and how special and great you are, that's what keeps me going. And then I gotta find answers and solutions. Those answers are hidden within the problems, and they are the things that are broken.

There are a lot of reasons I did all these things. So much of it was out of my control and just hurt me as much as it hurt anyone else. I didn't want to be feeling or acting or being like this. Some of its not like that though, some of these are just me. Just me being an asshole or me just sucking. There's no explanation or justification to any of this, but there are reasons, and those reasons do not buy any forgiveness, but at least, for the both of us, we can at least see I was truly not some psychotic asshole evil person at heart. But I'm not writing about those reasons here. I'm gonna attempt to just flat out say this shit.

That's the last couple things to keep in mind. It's one of the reasons I have chosen to continue living, these are not the things of my heart. Deep down in my heart I feel like I never skipped a beat. I have always been good in my heart. That was hard for me to accept honestly. That's how I'm trying to live my life now. None of these things truly came from my heart, they came from my ego, my pain, my stupidity, and just how I was almost forced to respond to life. I was created by my environment and I just took the worst path. I could've been forged by the fire but instead I burned.

This is the first point of order but also kinda part of the preamble. My stupidity. That is one thing that really ties this whole story together, extends from beginning to end. I'm just fucking stupid. The things I've done and the thoughts in my head and all of that, just stupid. Even now that I finally truly understand myself, and realize not everything was just a stupid mistake, but see how I slipped up, or I was misled, or reality was warped, or my mind played games on itself, or things weren't in my control, I still just feel stupid. I feel like while almost everything had a point of origin, had a long backstory, and had a set of circumstances leading it to happen, 99% of it could ALSO at the same time be explained with one thing: I'm fucking stupid. So much of this shit I think about, like this whole books worth of shit, was right in front of my fucking face and super obviously and blatant and self explanatory, yet I can see the reasons my mind missed it, but still, I'm like God DAMN what a fucking DUMBASS. I can see what led to my mistakes, that maybe they had good intentions, that maybe my failures were true attempts but failed for different reasons, and I look at my mistakes and I'm like holy shit what a fucking mouth breather. The things I've discovered and realized about you, they were really obvious at the time. Like in my mind as I discover them, it feels like I have unveiled some hidden secret and removed some illusion and found a deeper truth. Which often is truly the case. But about half of that? When I write it down in words. I'm like holy fuck what a tardo. It's like writing down "The sky is blue". And I'm still fucking stupid. I'm just stupid. I'm maybe less stupid than I was because I'm not all fucked up now, but looking back and seeing how stupid I was, that's the one thing I can't confidently say that I've fixed, I look back and see someone so fucking dumb that it's a joke to ever believe they could be less dumb. I'll get into this in the paranormal chapter, but I dont call myself a wizard for weirdo reasons, it truly is the one archetype that most closely matches the true nature of my soul, and even then, maybe one of the less talked about aspects of a wizard, but absolutely essential, is that he is the fool.

Hey me from the future here. I just spent a while writing this and then deleted it and stopped writing for a few days. I can't do it. I tried to write this out in excruciatingly overwritten detail and make it long as fuck. I just really want to own up to every single thing. I'm not gonna be able to do that. This entire couple years, I've been working through the stuff in my head and Journaling some of it. In the long run this is just my journal. Well some of those things I wrote down really fucked me up. Like a few of the longer posts in my journal set me into a 3 week long mental episode. I'm not bullshitting about what I said, I haven't just been sitting around and thinking about you occasionally and sometimes writing stuff about you. I've been reliving and regressing and examining my whole life in extended detail. Several times it has fucked me up and writing this was trying to do that and I just can't have it. I'm doing really good right now. Also, I was getting really deep into like every single bad thought in my head and they just aren't relevant. Every good thought I had during those times also had a doubt or a bad thought or something selfish, and everyone has that, and it isn't the real them, so I ain't writing that shit. Also, the times on this mental journey where processing stuff messed me up, sometimes it was just working through something tough, but a lot of times it was self imposed punishment. I don't believe my punishment is over for the way I've lived my life, but I simply can't do it to myself anymore. I did it until I was near death and felt so bad that I finally stopped and I'm not starting again. So I'm still gonna confess my sins but I'm not gonna go crazy with it. Like I said this is really just my final journal of the subject and it's directed at you but its for me, but if for some reason you've found this, and your one hang up is that I didn't say and explain every fucked up thing I did in painful levels of detail, just let me know.

Well of course it's starts at the start. Just at the start it was just me being a normal flawed dickhead, before all the crazy and evil. I didn't bullshit you on my sob story about Kammy. Yes, bitch was crazy, yes I had a TBI, yes I had just come out of a dementia tier 6 month trance. The part I left out that I was a dysfunctional dickhead. This is really the only part I'm adding explanations too, I swear. I was a fuckin asshole and bad at life and aimless and a loser and prone to agoraphobia and dissociation and tantrums of anger. Everyone hides shit like at the start. You hid a way bigger side. It's just that I lied and we saw the fruits of it. I just thought that was all due to my unhappiness and I just wasn't gonna be like that anymore it was a new me. That worked for a while.

See I got frontal lobe damage. Say someone really nice got frontal lobe damage. They would get a little meaner. It would be really obvious. Well I got frontal lobe damage so I guess everyone just thought they were finding out how mean I really was. And I'm anti-medicine and psychiatry. And I'm prone to dissociation and hiding my true thoughts. And I had childhood ptsd. And my life was already not going well and I was not putting myself into it. And THEN I got frontal lobe damage. Twice. So yeah I lied about that. I thought it was just really bad depression and when we met I was just then coming to terms with having a TBI, and thought it was just gonna be cognitive issues. No, I hit my head so fucking hard that cerebral fluid leaked out of my nose for 8 months and 5 years of my life were ruined. I just thought it was all my unhappy life with Kammys fault and I was free now and I was in control and I was gonna be a bad ass and just defeat all my demons at once.

Since this is the only time I'm gonna address the beginning of our relationship in a negative light, I wanna give it a small paragraph. I did not try to date you because you were young, or vulnerable, or the way you are. Just wanna put that out there. I know a lot of people thought that. I really have nothing else to say about that or feel any need to try and prove that. It's just true. I loved you and you're amazing, that is the only reason I wanted to be with you. No confession coming from that, but I felt one was expected, so I wanted to add this in.

Now, you were in fact vulnerable. Not gullible but like willing to listen/follow. You were vulnerable because of your situation. The only reason I liked that was just because you were down to roll and no baggage. I see the people around you take heavy advantage of your naive nature. I was always very careful with that. If I ever even broached that territory, I made sure I was being careful and not trying to fuck you around. That said I do have a confession, it's small in the grand scheme of things, but it really makes me wanna fucking puke and it's super cringe. I guess I just saw you as a girlfriend at first. Mostly this is just those typical first doubts everyone has. But I figured we would date for a year or so and I would help you out and then you could go off and find someone better for you. Like the dark side of my mind saw you as just company and temporary at first. I know this contradicts my previous story. This isn't the full story, this is my confession. This is me talking myself out of believing in the love I really felt. But then I just kept getting to know you more and realizing I really couldn't live without you. But I had just come out of this long ass relationship and then had all this fun being alone and dating, so I was just flooded with doubt and insecurity. That's not the confession. The confession is I then proceeded to try and manipulate you into some weird relationship dynamic that would put all my fears to rest and "not fuck my life up by being tied down". It was really scummy and doglike and you never were into it just went along with it to be with me. When you moved in I dropped it and that was your plan all along lol. Just being a normal dog man honestly but I feel gross for acting like that.

Now I will say I always brought up throuples. I just wanna say I never said that because I'm polyamourous or I wanted a threesome. I have legitimate justifiable reasons for that. They just didn't apply to you and I didn't see it, and always brought it up. You even brought it up a few times on your own, so did kammy. Just for me, it's more about balance. Just doesn't apply to you. You're my match. You're literally almost too much for me. Other girls aren't like that. That said I brought it up too much, and generally had a wandering eye because Im just a perv, but I shoulda kept that shit to myself. It's hurtful and degrading to say stuff like regardless of what's behind it.

I remember the first time I got mad at you and I do not regret it. I wish so bad to remember what you actually said that made me mad. I raised my voice slightly and said something very stern, slightly rude maybe. You were being disrespectful to the level of degrading. I don't regret it, but that broke the seal. Up until then,, I had just ignored you or stood my ground quietly, or at least calmly. I never should've stopped doing that.. The next couple times it happened, a few times it was the only way I was able to get my point across, and it worked. A few times were my first slip ups into my old bad self.

I only wrote that last paragraph to make a point. Anger is okay. But more than that, not being gentle is okay, standing my ground and sticking up for myself is okay. But I'm making a point. The first couple times were okay, or small mistakes. Pretty much every time after that was fucked up and wrong.

I was mean and unpleasant towards you for the rest of our entire relationship. Look you're a brat, emotional, and dramatic, and I miss all those things about you. At first it was just dealing with that, getting frustrated, or typical boyfriend girlfriend fights.

But then, I just got mean. Each day I got worse. I was the boy you loved who was so caring and thoughtful and nice. Then week by week I just got meaner.

There's a lot a reason but that's not what this is here for. It doesn't matter who's fault the anger was or what was behind it. It doesn't matter what lines I never crossed. I was mean. Over and over and over again. I chose to be mean again and again. I was just mean all the fucking time sometimes. I was mean over nothing. I snapped over nothing. I woke up already mad.

I blamed you. I blamed you for just fucking everything sometimes. I blamed you for things that you did actually do, they were you're fault, the blame was yours, but I chose to be mean about it. I insisted you did it on purpose whether you did or didn't. Sometimes you didn't didn't do anything. But regardless, I blamed you for one reason or the other, and my response was to get angry, throw a fit, withhold things from you, refuse to be nice to you, or refused to do something you asked or take you somewhere, because I blamed you and I was being fucking mean.

I held resentment too. I didn't stop blaming you or being mean about something just because the fight ended. It continued onward until you either proved me wrong or stopped doing it. And of course you didn't stop, I was being mean as fuck, you're just like me, I accused you and Kammy of doing the same thing to me: I was mean so you felt unloved, I didn't provide you an environment or chance to say sorry and change, I shamed you for it and I made it seem like our love was on the table, and that hurts, so you acted out. And then when you acted out I was twice as mean. And when you did it again I was quadruple mean, regardless if it was on purpose, on accident, or just in my head.

I was mean all the time. I yelled. I threw things. Multiple times I threw totinos pizzas or food. I stayed mad for hours.

There was a similar progression with how I dealt with your craziness. At first I was accepting and tried to help. Then it just got ridiculous. I would say one thing and you would completely shut down or lock yourself in the bathroom. At first it was like you would have an episode, or a panic attack, and I would calm you down for an hour and it still didn't work so I would try anger. And then that gap got shorter, I would try to help for a shorter time, and I wasn't just trying anger, or trying to show frustration, I was getting mad. Then there was a period where your mental episodes to me just meant we were having a fight so I fought with you, made it worse, extended it. And then there was the transitional phase where you were getting less crazy and I was getting more crazy, and at that point slowly I started thinking fuck this bitch. The second you had an issue I was like oh here we go again. If it wasn't directly related to me I would still try to help you, if you seemed legit upset. But if it was something between us I just instantly turned it into a dramatic fight and started being mean.

I did help you. By pushing you, being stubborn, maybe getting a little loud and stern. I helped you get outside more and feel better for things and be able to go do stuff without it being a big panic attack. But then I kept going. I kept pushing harder and harder. I stopped seeing you for who you really are and just wanted you to just shut up and be okay all the time. I was pushing myself so hard, and I felt you needed to be pushed that hard. So I just pushed harder and harder, got more loud, got more mean, got angry more quickly, and got more frustrated and it just grew and grew.

I wrote like a 4 page dissertation on the time I made you cry with spray cheese. I just feel so fucking bad about it. I put spray cheese on you and it triggered your autism really hard and you started crying. I almost got a little mad but then I tried to comfort you. I decided I had tried enough and you had cried enough. Really I kinda did. I tried to calm you down and make you feel better. You kept crying so I was just gonna let you cry. And you just cried more and more you just started all over from the beginning. I realize now that maybe you were just that upset, or you were crying because your heart was breaking over all the stuff going on in our lives. God it made me so made. I yelled at you to shut the fuck up. I thought you were doing it on purpose and you refused to let me comfort you and you were crying loud on purpose. I'm not giving you reasons, that's part of the confession, it's horrible that I even thought that. And even if I did think that, ptsd or not, why the fuck would I act like that. Jesus christ. A poor crying sad girl and I thought she was doing it to fuck with me so I yelled at her.

I'm getting off track but thats honestly one of the worst things I've ever done in my entire life. I was glad to be getting some writing done but I'm gonna have to stop for a while. That's one of those memories that makes me physically sick. It doesn't matter how guilty I feel BTW, that's not what I'm trying to say. It just makes me sick. What a horrible thing. A lot of people in prison for heinous crimes divorce themselves from the idea that it was the real them that did the crime. I'm not doing that. I wish I could. I wish you would call me and say you were actually doing it on purpose. But it makes me just as sick to think I did such a cruel thing, but it makes my head spin because that is also one of the clearest memories of how fucked up I was in my brain. I cannot believe the thoughts I had, the feelings I felt, and the way I acted. That is not me. I'm not divorced from shit, I did that shit, I know why I did it, I can feel myself doing it. That's not me. The real me would've let you cry for hours while holding you and did whatever it takes later to find out what was really wrong. It doesn't matter. That was so horrible and cruel. A lot of our other bad memories have at least some nuance to them, some back and forth, 2 toxic sick people, at least some semblance of a dramatic fight, not this one. It makes me feel like I am truly evil inside. I cannot imagine how bad I hurt you by doing that. I can't imagine the feelings you were feeling. To have your autism trigger and then your emotions start pouring out and me telling you to shut the fuck up and being mean. I feel like if I could feel the feelings I made you feel that night, I would actually die. I have to stop writing for a few days.

I didn't abuse you. Hold your horses before you shit yourself. There's just no part of this confession where I say "I'm your abuser I'm sorry". You can put your boots in the over and callem biscuits but that don't make it so.

I tried to ram the theory that I'm an abuser so far up my ass so many times. It just isn't true. I am a piece of shit that did bad things. I am a sick person in a bad situation. I'm an angry mean person.

You know in my edit above where I said sometimes the work and Journaling I've been doing messed me up? My story of what I've put my time into isn't bullshit. I haven't been sitting around musing about my ex girlfriend. I have been investigating, researching, and experimenting, every aspect of my life, every shadow, every part of my brain, health, ego, and every memory. I couldn't take it anymore and I had to get to the bottom of it. A lot of times this shit affected my work, my lifestyle, my health, my mental status.

You know which one fucked me up really bad? I wrote down every bad thing you did or made me feel but I used the terminology of domestic abuse and described what happened in the language of an abuse victim. It fit very very well. By the time I finished writing it I think it sent me into a spiral that lasted 6 weeks. Writing about my episodes and uncovering my trauma fucks me up, writing about good memories also particularly hurts me, but I remember this one particularly fucking me up. Don't worry, I saw through it. I explored every possibility I could think of and it was one of the dead ends.

I don't know why it fucked me up so bad. I fucking hope not because it was actually true. That it fit so well that I had to completely lie to myself and keep writing to reinforce my denial. I think it was just such a dark ending and hid too much truth. This was way before I started having revelations and improvements. So I think my brain was like NO BITCH START OVER.

An abuser is a specific kind of monster and criminal. Now, they do have "reasons" and could be self aware of them like I am. I don't call them reasons. I call them origins. They may have psychological problems, or be part of a cycle of abuse. Hint hint. But they cross a line at some point. They aren't doing it out of pathology, they aren't doing it on accident as a trauma response or a bad learned behavior. They cross a line where abuse is just what they do. I would say it's out of hatred, but I think most of them are sociopaths, so it's really out of nothing, they don't see you as a person. The things they do are cruel and intentional. They trick you into loving them, manipulate your emotions to keep you under control.

An abuser is an evil demon, who you fear, who hits you, hurts you, and then tells you it's your fault. Meeting an abuser is the same as getting mugged in an alleyway. You're a random victim of a criminal. You weren't chosen for any reason other than your victimizable. An abuser degrades, they tell you the dinner you cooked is disgusting, your body is disgusting, your stupid and its all your fault. Verbal abuse, yelling at you for no reason, they may be yelling at you about something but they are doing it for no actual reason other than to abuse you. Emotional abuse. Your emotions are nothing but a tool for them. That's the abuse cycle. They make you feel absolutely horrible and at fault about everything, make you feel bad and disgusting, that's the abuse. They make you feel worthless and not redeemable, so you must stay with them, and of course threaten to kill you if you leave. Then the literal abuse ends. They make sure you know it's all your fault, and then you have a period of peace, usually beginning by showering you with good emotions and presents. You see the "other side" of them and can't help but love them and you're being flooded with positivity. There's no other side of them, there's just an on/off switch to the literal abuse part, and trickery and manipulation. You're either scared to leave them, or in love with them during manipulated positivity, one or the other. You're never just their girlfriend. And then one day you escape. Abusers may come back for you and try to trick you back, but 99% of them disappear forever and find a new victim within 6 months, that's an fbi statistic. Abusers don't feel remorse. Maybe they can change, but personally I don't think they can. That line can't be uncrossed. The abuser, in their mind, is fully justified in their behavior. They think they did the right thing. There's no struggle, it's not a hard relationship that didn't work out, it was a stage play where they are the lead role and you're a side character that deserved what they got and you're the one that abandoned them.

What I did was bad. I was a real piece of shit. I hurt you a lot and made you cry. You hit me with some pretty bad shit. I didn't do that though. I almost kinda think what I did was worse, which is what this rant is leading up to. If I could just say to myself yeah my behavior was abuse, I coulda ended this whole thing right there. I tried pretty hard to do that. If I was able to come to that conclusion, I would have nothing to say to you. I wouldn't have you on my mind anymore either. This story would've wrapped up cleanly 8 months ago with a nice bow on top. I would've known exactly what to do for myself as well. Paradoxically, and only because it's not true, my heart would've put an end to this story. Abusers don't have good hearts, that's why it's a paradox, and abuser would just carry on as normal. But if I landed on that the solution would've been simple. Either I would have stopped working on myself, no longer any motivation either because of you, or to have a woman in my future. I would never let it happen again. Or, I would have just killed myself, like all abusers should have. Now, I did damn near accept you as my abuser, like I said it lines up very well. I looked at my own behavior and was like nah, doesn't line up. Bad, should feel bad, maybe should kill myself anyway, but doesn't line up. Yours lined up, but I looked deeper, I know what happened now, photo finish on that one, glad I kept going, turned out good.

I was manipulative, as I've already confessed. You're stubborn and feral. My manipulation was good hearted, my manipulation was me trying to train you to live better and act better. And then, life got worse, and my illness got worse, and my manipulation did become very mean, the good intentions remained, but so did Ghengis Kahns good intentions. My teaching truly did become manipulation and pressure and anger. I also manipulated you to try to prove my PTSD fears untrue.

I yelled at you. I yelled really loud and angrily at you. What was I yelling about though? One of two things, either literally our exact relationship problems and the solutions to them, a good talk we needed to have, except I was fucking yelling because I was insane, and you weren't listening because I was yelling. Or, I yelled about all the fucked up shit in my head, an overflow of all the shit I was repressing.

It's embarrassing to say, but yeah we had those toxic dramatic moments that both toxic and abusive couples had, but they were fucking temper tantrums like a 5 year old. Now, that doesn't really describe well the content of what was in my head, or what was going on in our lives, but those peak moments of drama were essentially a really gigantic toddler fucking losing his shit in a really skilled fashion.

I never insulted you, degraded you, I never talked about your body, your mind, I never insinuated that your some piece of shit is the reason we are having the issue. I know some of my behavior may have scared or disturbed you, and undoubtedly it damaged you and hurt your heart, but you were never scared of me. You know what you did during these fights? Well a lot of times you fought back. In fact, a lot of these memories weren't just me having and episode, they were you having an episode, or us having a fight, or 2 really weird crazy people in a little house freaking the fuck out. Sometimes, you just sat there and cried, or defended yourself. Sometimes, you fucking hit me, through shit at me or around the house.

I did blame you for things. I blamed you for things you did, and blame is not how a relationship works, accountability is, and yelling is not how it works, talking is. But I blamed and yelled. I blamed you for things you did not do. I blamed you for things that were legitimate miscommunication or confusion, except instead of talking about it, and figuring it out, I was a piece of shit to you about it. I also blamed you for things that were 100% true in my mind, because my mind was broken. I blamed you for doing things that kammy did to me, because while maybe she didn't exactly purposely abuse me, she left such a litany of fucked up shit behind in my mind that there's no other word for it.

Abusers escalate. Our life did get worse. It wasn't an escalation of abuse. It was a progression of my mental illness, our life getting worse, and all the things stacking up and compounding. I ran. As it got worse, I started fucking running away. The episodes and delusions got worse, so when they happened, I started fucking running away half way through. I definitely was getting louder, and getting really prone to smashing shit, it was getting way way worse, so I did that shit, but something in me was like OH FUCK so I started running away. I remember one instance where the second I snapped I just fucking ran. You shoved me and yelled at me but I just felt that fucked up feeling and ran. I can remember also feeling fucked up and just putting my shoes on and leaving a bunch of times.

There was that one time, that time I burned myself with cigarettes. That's a different fucked up different thing for a different chapter.

An abuser traps you. They either manipulate you into staying, or threaten you to leave. I broke up with you every time I had an episode. After the episode I tried to get you to leave. I threatened you once, during the mentioned cigarette incident. I said every fucked up thing I could just to get you out of the house. The night the neighbor called the cops on us, I locked you out. I think that was my worst mental breakdown. I was trying to get you to leave. I was trying to end this. I didn't truly think it was your fault, I either thought it was my fault or some kind of mental problem. I just wanted it to end. I tried to get you to go home for a few months, or break up with you, or kick you out, or run away. I put every effort I had left into trying to figure out my problem and make it stop. I kept trying for 2 fucking years after you left to fix it until I finally did. I broke up with you. You did not escape me. I broke up with you and you finally left and I rambled incoherent bullshit to you on discord and never once tried or asked for you to come back.

Maybe an abuser would use this strategy, write this whole ass thing to try to get you back. They would be lying first of all. That's what abusers do. The abuse happens, then they fake how sorry it is but also gaslight/blame you. There was no abusive cycle with us. There was no up and down circular abuse cycle. It just straight sucked. The next day I did say how sorry I was and how scared I was and that I was gonna try really hard to fix it. I never once said it was because of you. I never flooded you with good emotions or gifts. Nope. The next day we just had the same fucking problems. The next whole month we had the same fucked up life, with occasional good memories or moments of chillness. And then one of us had another breakdown, or fight. That was the cycle. Two crazy kids getting fucked over by poverty and losing their minds together.

So just deal with it. I didn't abuse you. You basically almost abused me. That's just not what was happened. Maybe it's pathological of me to focus so hard on what the truth is. But its not the truth. When I find the truth, I accept it. I'm not working my way around it. This is the most life changing experience that happened to me ever and when I'm done rebuilding myself it's gonna influence the course of my entire life, and that will NOT be based on a lie or a rationalization, and if these memories are gonna fuck with me they are gonna fuck with me correctly.

You have been abused before. It was easy to tell yourself that all that happened was you got abused again. It was definitely easy to explain this complicated ass shit to other people. If that's what you had to tell yourself to keep going, fine. But you were there. I don't write this to trick you, I write this to give myself closure, and I kinda think none of this even matters to you at all, but I write this to in fantasy land also give you closure.

Now that I said that, let me invalidate all of it. If you felt abused, then you were abused. If you want to tell me what I did was abuse, I will listen, and I will accept it. You were undoubtedly my victim, I was also your victim, I was also my own victim, and you were the victim of the consequences and expressions of what I was a victim of. If you felt abused, you were, and I'm the abuser. I would rather you didn't think that. I don't think it's true enough, but you own your own truth. I would rather you think that I'm a piece of shit that hurt you really bad, a failure, a loser, a hurtful mean asshole, someone that betrayed you and let you down and fucked you over. All those things are true, I don't believe I abused you. I never did this out of hate, I never crossed that line, and I tried to stop it and didn't want it to happen. I'm an absolute curmudgeon, asshole, violent, dickhead, shitty piece of shit, and I hurt the fuck out of you forever and ever. It can't be undone and what we call it doesn't matter.

I think what I did is worse. I think all the shit I listed before the abuse rant is really fucking bad. In some fucked up way it would almost be better if those actions were out of abuse. Then it was just abuse and not your fault, and I'm an abuser so just throw me in the trash and forget all the memories, they are just trauma. That's softer than the truth. The truth is I was just a guy you loved that was an incredibly hurtful jerk asshole. Just by being himself. And you know what, a lot of it wasn't our faults. It was situational or an accident. That's fuckin horrible. That's like dropping a baby on its head.

Nah, I think it's still worse. With what I know now, now that I'm no longer insane, now that I know who you are and know who I am, I think what I know now is worse. We have both been brats and assholes our whole lives, and we both have had people abuse us our whole lives. Nah. This is worse.

It's that shit at the beginning. When we met. You were stuck out in that town, you felt like your family was abusing you, the one friend you had her boyfriend tried to rape you and she was manipulating you. Then this guy shows up and he has all the same interests as you. You were sitting around bored and sad and lonely and rotting away. He came and swooped you up. But then, you were nuts. But it didn't scare him off. Nah. You told him your secrets and things about yourself you were scared to say and he was like oh cool that's no big deal. He promised you this big dream life. Yall were gonna be a team and treat each other right. He was so interesting and you were telling people how cool he was and showing them this cool book he gave you. He got you a house and you started going crazy in there and he was always there to calm you down and help you work through it. You started feeling better and better, losing weight, skin glowing up, free from all the boredom and abuse you had at home. Things were tough and weren't always great but slowly we we learning things and putting our life together, making little improvements to our house, setting up little things we wanted, he planted you a garden, got you a guinea pig.

Then slowly, day by day, he betrayed you. You watched this guy that you thought was so amazing just slowly lose his mind, slowly the house got nastier and his attitude got nastier. Less and less he acted like that guy you met. More and more he blamed you. Life got less fun and more sad, you missed your home, you never got anything fun to. He got worse and worse, more loud, directed more at you. He wasn't even the guy you remember. The dream was dying. He used to be the guy that wasn't like the others and would never hurt you, no matter how hard you tried to test him or drive him crazy he always said look I love you get over it ill always love you we will figure this out. But he was so far from that. Now he was the guy that would hurt you over something you didn't even do, something that was just in his head. You had struggles at first together, but you were able to learn and figure them out together, and it made us both proud when we fixed a problem. But now, it's the same problem, every day, but worse each time. He used to be the guy that would take you camping and stomp around naked chasing a possum in the woods, the guy that would take you driving and stop to save a turtle off a road. Now he just lays there like a log. He brought you to this cool town and took you to all different stores and new places to eat but now he just lays there and gets mad if you ask for anything. When yall met you didn't have any money for yourself but he always took you to get a pony or a calico critter and some eyelashes but now he won't even pay to get your nails done, once, ever. He used to hold you until you stopped crying but now he tells you to shut the fuck up. You used to do fun projects together but now he just blows money on fish crap and makes the house a mess.. He was your guy, your favorite person, the guy that always showed up to save you and always helped you and always was gentle and took his time and always took you on an adventure but now he just lays there like a log and yells at you and is always mad and always drunk.

I can't imagine what that betrayal felt like. Watching everything go sideways and backwards and watching the person you finally gave your heart and trust to just mash it up with a hammer.

Well I do because it happened to me too but that's not my point. You loved me and would do anything for me and I made you so happy and I ruined it all. You watched me lose my sanity and become an evil zombie right before your eyes. You just wanted it to stop and you wanted your boy back but you didn't know what to do and he blamed it all on you and it all got ruined. What a fucking nightmare.

And I think of this sweet special girl. I remember you being really hard to put up with, really hard to figure out, hard to find the key too. But I just always felt that weird synchronicity, I felt like God damn she is so weird and complicated but I actually understand her exactly and know exactly what to do. I'm the guy for her and I'm glad I found her because I know bad people would do a really bad job at dealing with her. I remember this naive girl, her emotions were big, so when she gave her trust she gave all of it, or she would do anything to not lose a friend. So I saw people take advantage of it, I saw her get hurt and manipulated and put in bad situations. She was pure and honest and the people around her weren't. That's why she keeps getting in trouble. So I knew she had my trust, and would follow me, and thought I was smart and knew better so she would listen to me, and she never wanted to lose me so she would do whatever it takes. So I took that trust, like a delicate crystal, and I said I'm gonna make sure I always take care of her, if she listens to me then I'm gonna tell her the right thing, and I'm always gonna be careful and true and gentle and do life right by her.

And now I'm gone. First, I fucked all that up, and now I'm gone. And I gotta sit here and worry that she will be with someone that will abuse her and she will stay because she loves them and forgives them for it. I gotta think about her manipulative friend and wander what kinda bad situation she will get in. I gotta hope that maybe she meets someone nice that will protect her but I just can't imagine what kind of strange creature she would have to meet that would really understand her problems, and really appreciate the good and best things about her.

And I remember this really cool girl I fell in love with. She would go hunt for bones in the forest, or go drive around at night, go to burger king stoned at 3am, go hang out the anime festival, and she had her bedroom how she liked it. And I took that from her, and suppressed it, and made her boring, and made her life boring. And I remember a girl that loved her family and being around them so much and I took her away from them and wasted her time. I remember a girl that had big dreams and big desires and lots of hobbies and I took those all away and said no to everything either because I couldn't afford it or I was sick and an asshole.

I remember a girl that loved me so much and tried to give me her everything and I just yelled at her and hurt her. A girl that would've gone with me anywhere and I never took her anywhere. A girl that would've truly accepted me for who I am but instead I hid it from her and let it turn into evil inside of me. A girl that was so beautiful and so amazing and probably just the coolest ever but I never told her that because I was scared. A girl I thought the whole world of and lived my life for except I never showed her that and now I'm just another one of her bad memories.

I look at who I am and who I'm becoming, and my real self. Someone you never met and someone I totally forgot about, yet somehow, pretty much the guy you loved. Somehow you knew who he was underneath all this shit. I'm starting to remember him and find little pieces of him. It disgusts me. I think this is the thing I feel worse about. Worse than all the other things, because those things wouldn't have happened if I was that guy. There's really no good way to explain this to you, but I know it's true. You can't even get it I think. It would sound like a lie. But yeah. You fell in love with one of of good parts of me, and didn't care about my problems or how I looked. Definitely I'll probably never look like your dream guy. But in my heart? I can't describe this guy but any other way than this. He's you. He's your imaginary friend. He is so much like the real you, it's like it's two parts of the same soul. The real true me, that I hid away from the world, that all this bad shit happened to and twisted up. He is you. It matches your soul and everything I miss about you. He would've said yes to everything you ever asked him. He would've watched a Disney princess movie with you like he was your best friend and you were 7 years old on summer vacation. He would've laughed at everything you showed him. He would've made you so many bead bracelets your arm would fall off. It freaks me out. I've thought so long on who you really are, and who I really am, and this part of me that is so deep down that I didn't even know its there, and that deepest part. It's you man. It's fucking you. Its like someone you would dream up to be your best friend. And for me, I'm gonna explore that more and try to bring him out. But you'll never get to meet him. Its like Santa is real and left a Christmas present under the tree just for you and God tied a bow around it, and I snuck in the window and stole it and fucking threw it off a bridge and yelled at you instead.

Thank you by the way. Just wanna throw a thank you in there. Thought I knew myself so well and that I was gonna teach you how to fight life like me, and then kick it's ass together. Instead, life won, and you taught me so fucking much about myself it's ridiculous.

And then there's the worst thing of all.

I'm stupid and my problems were stupid. The situation we were stuck in didn't have an easy answer, but making it through it together was far from impossible. I doubted that you loved me and now that my eyes are clear I can look back now and see that you loved the fuck out of me. I thought you weren't trying and didn't care but I look back and see you trying your hardest and never giving up. I tested your love with my bullshit over and over again and you still stuck around and obviously loved me. You always picked me no matter what was happening. You never once talked about leaving me. I look back at the problems I had searched to solve for 20 years and they all had simple answers. Mostly. The journey was hard to get those answers but that was my own fucking fault. I basically could've stopped being a stupid bitch at any time and the answers would've shown themselves. I didn't understand what was going on in my head and all I had to do was tell you. I kept it all a big secret. I kept it a secret from then one person on earth that would've understood and then you would've understood what was happening and been able to help. I needed your help but refused to let you or ask you. I loved you more than anything but I refused to tell you because I thought you would use it against me. I thought you were so cool and I enjoyed everything about you so much but refused to tell you because your ego was too big.

Basically, this whole thing was complicated as fuck and hard as fuck to figure out but the solution was simple and right in front of me. It's my fault for making it hard and loud and complicated and it's my fault for being blind.

There was one simple solution and I don't even care that there was a million things that hid it from me and misled with me. I'm a dumbass.

All I had to do was trust you. Tell you the bad thoughts I felt. Told you the good things I thought about you and how much I loved you. And you woulda been like oh OK no problem. All I had to do was stop drinking and eat better and go to a few doctors. All I had to do was be truthful and honest for you. That's it. All I had to do was not choose anger. Even if you had a hard time understanding me, or believing me, or tried to drive me crazy, all I had to do was admit to myself, and admit to you, how much I really loved you. All I had to do was stop living in fear and try to protect myself and see that right in front of my eyes is exactly what I think it is but won't except, the girl of my dreams, the girl I want to be with. All I had to do was put you first l, and put us staying together first, and this would be a beautiful love story. The situation wouldn't have changed, but we would've made the best of it and been good to each other, and things eventually would've gotten better, and we would be all good now and still together.

But no. That's not what I did. I kept secrets. I chose anger every time I had the chance to. I denied my feelings. I denied you the truth. I denied you encouragement and kind words. I kept loving you a big secret because I thought you didn't love me back so I wasn't gonna love you openly. I hid my problems and secrets and good things and bad things from you. I let my fears be reality, I didn't let the truth be reality. I was scared about things, and decided they were real, and that you were doing them. And now I sit here without you, you're gone forever, I hurt and betrayed you, and I write long rambling books about you like a fucking freak, when we could literally just be happy and have a good time. I chose darkness and pain over love and happiness. I hurt you.

My victory in my personal journey is fucked. I resent it. For so long, long before I met you, I felt so wrong inside, my life was so wrong. I DONT take accountability for that like I take accountability for our problems. I take accountability for SOME of it. But, I was fucked, my life fucked me, my brain fucked me, my molesters fucked me, the bullies fucked me, my bosses fucked me, and I decided you were just another person here to fuck me. But I was right. There was something wrong with my body, and I fixed it. There was something wrong with my mind, my brain, my psychology, my lifestyle, my life, my perception. I spent 20 years trying to fix it, and I finally did. So now I know it's possible. I know if I chose to not be a dumbass mean ass stupid fucking bitch, I could've done everything we planned to do, that whole goal we set our for to have a better life and be better people. I fucking did it. A year after you left. Nah not while the love of my life and the best friend I ever had was literally 5 feet away from me. Nah Nah. That would make too much sense. No my stupid fuckint ass chose to be shitty and keep suffering and hurt the fuck out of her and myself and she left forever, THEN I fixed it. I always thought these weren't things that could change and fix and I fixed them, it only cost me everything, it only came at the consequence of hurting the fuck out of you and the losing you, it only came at the cost of abusing myself and letting my life go so bad that I went into extreme debt, destroyed my life, killed all my pets, ruined my future, and created a horrible irredeemable past. THEN I fixed it all. I walk into my nice clean cool little house smelling good looking good with money in my pocket, full of energy, ready to cook or play or go somewhere, just got home from my good ass consistent job that let's me do my own thing and pays a lot for it, just living in the freedom of having a brain that works and a mind that's not trying to make me kill myself and a body that doesn't feel like molasses. And I don't deserve it, and it cost too much, and I have blood on my hands, and I should've done it for you, and you should be sitting there with a big glowing smile happy to see me and say we can go to daiso and Williams chicken and I say yeah sure let's go! I am nothing, I have nothing, I am the worst person that has ever lived. I am Diogenes of Texas. I worked my whole life to fix my problems and I hurt everyone around me. I completed everything I sought to do for 20 years and I destroyed everything around me. I pushed every good thing out of my life and ruined ever good chance I had. I hurt the fuck out of people, I am a bad memory in everyone's head. That's why I'm Diogenes. I finally did what I set out to do and got it all, but truly I have nothing, I live in a barrel, I have a lantern to light my path at night, and a cat sometimes comes by to keep me company. I am a wretch, a villain, and victimizer, and an oathbreaker. It was all my fault and it was at the cost of the trauma of those around me. I don't deserve the things I have or achieved, and I deserve the hell that I've made for myself. We could've had a beautiful love story, a lifelong friendship, a big ass romantic redemption arc, and a cool ass life life lots of smiles and fun and a big garden and lots of cute pets and fun memories and adventures and cool stuff, but because of ME and ME ALONE and by no others fault but MINE, we had a painful, unfixable, disgusting stinky hurtful memory of failure and remorse. That is my sin.

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#Youtube

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iammultifandomaf · 3 years

Text

Chapter 6 - What are you doing here?

BROTHERHOOD

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/12211562/6/

Lydia's vision was still a little blurred but she was certain that she was utterly alone on the cold ground where she had failed to save her dear Stiles. The realization of the fact that the two strangers had taken her boyfriend for no reason whatsoever and might hurt him or even-... She shook this thought off and slowly got up to her feet, grabbing for her purse which wasn't hanging on her shoulder anymore. Lydia looked at the ground first, searching the surface with her eyes. Suddenly, though, a familiar voice called her name in a low tone.

"Lydia."

The girl's head shot up to see who disturbed the silence of the nothingness she had believed that surrounded her. Her gaze ended up on a tall man in a long dark coat. Lydia squinted her eyes to see the man's features better, not sure if what she is perceiving was real.

Finally, she said in a breath: "John?"

The man smiled under the beard and nodded, his smile perished quickly, though, and was replaced by obvious concern. He approached Lydia, carefully as if she were a hurt lamb, and looked her in the eyes.

"Are you alright, dear?" he asked, scanning her face with a soft look. Lydia's eyebrows furrowed at this question, her confusion breaking through.

"What the hell are you doing here? And no, I'm not alright! Could you please just... go? I don't have time for you... I have to find somebody..." she quickly said, her words lacking any articulation to not lose any precious time with this stranger who had found a way into her life, again, somehow.

"Lydia, please do calm down, I actually wanted to help you."

"Help me with what?" Lydia said suspiciously as John couldn't possibly known what had happened there at the very place they have been standing because they had been with Stiles alone.

"Um," John hummed and looked around as if he were looking for the explanation in the skies.

"Did you have something in common with it?!" Lydia bursted out, not being capable to stand out his 'mysteriousness' at that moment.

"No!" John said and raised his hands in defense.

"So, how do you know about it, huh?" Lydia asked, folding her arms on her chest.

"It's complicated..."

...

Stolos wasn't sure what made him do it, or to be more precise, what made him not to do it. Now, he was lying at the ground, oficially defeated by the younger boy who didn't believe his own eyes. Stolos didn't defend himself and when he did, it was just for 'the show'. Why did he do that? He was the only one who lost against his opponent and therefore, he was the only one who had to clean the bunk of this other child.

Stolos' peers stood silently and watched Stolos who was still on the ground, staring into the blue sky. They didn't dare to say anything because they knew what was Stolos capable of and were afraid to mock him for the fight he had just lost.

The boy who has defeted Stolos couldn't believe his own eyes and looked over to Stolos who was slowly getting up to his feet. The other younger boys watched their peer in astonishment and envy for what he had accomplished.

Stolos brushed the dirt off his clothes and returned to his previous spot, waiting for the older soldiers to give them instructions. He was, of course, laughed at by the tutors and was told to make 'Dentorons' bed every morning after he wakes up.

The next morning, Dentorons was already waiting by his bed for Stolos. He knew that he didn't have to wait there but he wanted to talk with the peculiar opponent who had lost against a younger soldier.

Eventually, Stolos walked into the room where Dentorons had his bunk. Dentorons was a little discouraged by Stolos' blank expression and hints of lethargy. Stolos gave a short glimpse to the younger boy and started reordering the blanket without a word.

"You-you are Stolos, right?" Dentorons got out of himself.

"Yes," Stolos answered shortly.

"My name's Dentorons, Den for short."

"Uh-huh."

"May I ask you something?"

"What."

"Um, why did you want me to win?" Dentorons asked in a low tone for nobody else to hear it. Stolos straightened his back and looked at Den, raising his eyebrows.

"You let me win, obviously..."

"Maybe you are better than you think," Stolos said monotonously.

"Bullshit," Den raised his voice but regretted it right away. Stolos, though, just smiled at him.

"'Guess I didn't need to prove myself something with messing up a kid." Stolos shrugged and leaned against the wall next to the bed.

"I'm not a kid," Dentorons defended himself.

"Sure you are. We all are. Even the dicks who 'train' us."

"...I've heard that you are dangerous... for a kid."

"I'm only dangerous to those who deserve it."

"But you've hurt all the others..."

"They live, don't they?"

"Well, yeah, but-"

"Look, Den... I don't really care-"

"No, no. That's alright... let's not get into that. Let's get breakfast, okay?"

"Sure."

...

"What the fuck is complicated? You mean you being here? Or the fact that my boyfriend was fucking kidnapped?!" Lydia almost screamed now.

"Look, let's just focus on finding Stiles, alright?" John tried.

"And why are you so interested in Stiles?!" Lydia threw her hands into the air.

"We... well, we've been... friends at some point. Good ones."

"What?"

"Yeah..."

"He never mentioned a friend named 'John'."

"It was quite a long time ago, I must admit. I suppose... he didn't think of me as somebody... important," John said slowly, as if he was just coming to this realization.

"You know what? I don't care right now. I'm going to the police," Lydia said, not paying attention to John anymore and fiercely picked up her handbag from the ground and began walking back to the village.

"Lydia, here's no police station. It would be better if you returned to the hotel and called somebody..."

Lydia stopped, still facing John with her back. Her eyes scanned the village around her and she admitted to herself that she won't find much help there. Abruptly, she turned around and went back to John who was still standing at the same place she left him and looked up into his dark eyes.

"And what are you going to do, huh?" she asked him with spite.

"I'll try look for him," he said simply.

"Then, I'll go with you."

"I don't think that's such a good idea..."

"Why? Because I'm a girl?" she said, folding her arms on her chest.

"No, not at all. It's just... if you go call the police, somebody has to be there to describe him and stuff like that... I can't do that... I don't have any photos of him, I haven't seen him for so long... I didn't even see the kidnappers."

Lydia realized that he has a point and that realistically, she had almost no chance of finding him on her own and she was the one who saw the two people who took Stiles. Lydia then slowly nodded, accepting the facts and finally calming down.

"Okay. Okay. Gimme your phone number," Lydia said, fishing her phone from the handbag and unlocking it.

"May I?" John asked and pointed to the phone. Lydia squinted her eyes in suspicion for a second but then placed the smartphone on his stretched out palm. John quickly typed his number into the device and handed it back to the redhead. Lydia then called his number so he’d have hers, too.

"I'll text you if I find him... Okay?" he said with a supportive tone. Lydia only nodded and watched him turn on his heels and leave.

#stiles stilinski #lydia martin #john mitchell #teen wolf #fanfic #fanfiction #brotherhood #chapter 6 #what are you doing here #stolos #michendros

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sydney-stylites-blog · 7 years

Text

Of betrayals and backstabbings | The Dragonpit edition

Yeah the title really doesn't make a lot of sense, but I liked how it sounded 🤷🏻 I kind of wanted to explore the whole Jon betraying Dany thing again, and why the Dragonpit scene conclusively ended any doubts I might have had regarding that.

I've been staunchly against the concept of Jon betraying Dany and I've addressed it multiple times already. Betraying Dany doesn't fit in Jon's character sketch. There a million already existing problems which everyone has to deal with, and Jon playing Dany is not one of them. Of course, then we have the classic case of Ygritte brought up. If Jon could betray her for the Night's Watch, why can't he betray Dany for his family? What antis conveniently forget every time they bring this up is that Ygritte (and the wildlings) were coming to destroy the Night's Watch (and a ton of innocent people while at it). So Jon betrayed her because he had no other option. Dany is coming with her armies and dragons to save Jon's home, save the North...so why, why would Jon betray her? What would he have to gain by this?

Consider this. When Sansa and Arya played Littlefinger, that was awesome! We not only supported it, but we were thrilled af when it happened! But what about when Littlefinger had betrayed Ned Stark, and that was after telling him he shouldn't have trusted him? I mean, he had warned him earlier hadn't he? So the betrayal wasn't out of the blue, right? It was something we should have been expecting, wasn't it? But did we support that? Did we agree with or sympathise with Littlefinger?

And okay, when Jon betrayed Ygritte, who did you agree with more? Did you feel bad for Ygritte but also felt that Jon had done the right thing? Could you see Jon's struggle between love and duty and acknowledge that the right choice wasn't as easy to make?

Why were our reactions different to all those situations? Short answer - motive. Our reaction to betrayals are based on the motive, and how well it is portrayed in the narrative. 'A woman murdered a man' evokes a different reaction than 'a woman executed a man who had led to the death of her own father'. Throw in the fact that he was still trying to get her to kill her sister, and we not only agree with the woman in question here, we are positively cheering her on! Because that's the difference motive makes - it justifies actions otherwise considered wrong, and we have numerous examples of it in Game of Thrones. My personal favorite, of course, is Jaime and the Kingslayer story because it perfectly highlights the difference between us knowing the reason, or judging the action as it stands.

So what could be Jon's motives for playing Dany?

We have the obvious, to protect his family and Winterfell from the unstable witch (that is supposedly Dany on tumblr).

But that's the thing again antis. Dany has never once, not once threatened or even implied in extremely vague terms anything that could be constituted to be a threat to Winterfell or the Starks. In all their interactions, whenever she wanted Jon to bend the knee, she never even went in the general area of threatening his family if he refused to. The issue of family wasn't brought up at all in that sense, so the idea that she would harm his family now, after having clearly developed feelings for him, has only sprung from the minds of the Jonsa Fandom who very much want it to be true because it justifies their POV and their ship. Because the assumption that Dany would want to destroy Winterfell, destroy the Starks and Jon realized this and is appeasing her by catering to her romantic feelings would work extremely well if, if it had been implied anywhere at least once, even if vaguely. But it hasn't been portrayed, and by itself fails to suffice as the motive setting up Jon conning Dany.

Jon will never betray Northern independence for love, and is only faking it to protect the North from Dany's ire.

Considering that the North was already protected from Dany's ire before Jon pledged himself to her, I don't even know where this comes from. Dany promised to fight the White Walkers without asking anything in return (an action which squarely put her in the 'good guy' category), Jon playing her to accomplish something which had already been accomplished is not only senseless, paranoic and unnecessary, but it also would then put him firmly in the douchebag category. Dany let him keep the North, only for him to offer it to her twice, and then ultimately turn right around and say lol, kidding?? Really Jonsa peeps? That makes sense to any of you? Why is it so hard to accept that Jon judged her worthy of his allegiance? But of course, that wouldn't work for the antis and this mess is far more appealing.

About the Northern independence though, I've already mentioned it before, but I'll say it again. The whole 'King in the North' concept arose because the Starks would not accept the Lannisters as their king, not after what they had done. Supporting the Baratheons would have been treasonous and dishonourable, and would have embroiled them in a civil war they had no interest in being part of. The main reason however, was that the Northern Lords had grown disillusioned with the Southern kings who did not care about the Northern issues at all and only paid attention to the North when it was in their own interests. Now, with Daenerys pledging herself to defeat the White Walkers, the entire dynamic of the game had changed, the Southern ruler in point, was not a Lannister or a Baratheons, but a Targaryen, who was coming to save the North instead of abandoning them to their plight and, contrary to popular belief, could in fact be trusted. The North Remembers, and it is this that Jon hopes the North will remember once the Walkers have been defeated, that Daenerys is not her father. So, in short, Jon is not playing Dany for Northern independence because it's frankly ridiculous and the alternative (he feels she's a worthy ruler) makes much more sense in this case.

Jon is playing Dany for Sansa's sake, either because he took her advice about not making mistakes seriously or he's deeply in love with her.

This is a very shipper reason, as canonically there has been no love shown from either of them, but I would have still accepted this reason if they hadn't already made it crystal clear that Jon and Sansa don't agree politically. They both have different views regarding politics, and while Jon does ask her for her opinions, he does what he believes he should do anyway. Also, while Sansa has a more grounded worldview which takes into account people's feelings and motivations - rewarding those true to you for their loyalty (Karstarks and Umbers), taking Cersei more seriously, not abandoning the North and literally everything else, Jon's are more idealistic and based on his strong moral code of 'honor' - not taking the castles away from the Karstarks and Umbers, choosing to believe in Tyrion, putting his own life on the line to save his people (by going to Dragonstone). Jon has been consistently portrayed, all throughout this season, as valuing honor above everything - a very strong Ned Stark trait tbh - and not taking Sansa's advice as seriously as he should (which is what she notices as well, and it upsets her). So with this set-up, believing that he is actually playing Dany because of what Sansa has told him is, quite frankly, a stretch, because there is no narrative indication which would make us believe that. This would also explain Sansa's reaction to learning he had bent the knee, she's resigned to it because she knows that though Jon loves and respects her, he still does what he thinks is the right thing to do. Also, Sansa doesn't berate him for doing what he did in the way she would have had she believed he had been repeating Ned's and Robb's mistakes - - > she doesn't believe he's making those mistakes ie bending the knee to Dany is not disastrous (as the antis would have you believe). Sansa is upset because Jon clearly didn't consider asking Sansa's opinion about a very important political decision, and she's upset because she knows that the Northern Lords will not accept this easily, but she doesn't react as if it's the worst thing in the world ever, nor does she act thoughtful, which would have indicated that all is not as it seems. In short, Sansa's reaction is very much expected under the circumstances, which are that Jon doesn't take her as seriously as he should. And given this, it seems unlikely to imagine that he's in cahoots with Sansa and they're taking down the Dragon Queen together (together! 😂)

Every reason for Jon playing Dany would have worked if the narrative had given some sort of suggestion about a possible motive, some indication of Jon treating Sansa's advice seriously, or made Jon give up the North before she pledged to fight the Walkers. And the nail in the coffin for the 'undercover lover' theory was the Dragonpit scene. Nothing would have cast stronger doubts on whether Jon truly loves Dany or not, than him accepting the truce. Despite it being the smart political move, it would have also raised a tiny red flag regarding Jon's true intentions, in my mind at least. Jon basically had nothing to lose by accepting the truce, nothing except for his honor. And that made him refuse! It wasn't just him making a public proclamation that he loves Dany (although it sorta was 😂), it was him being faced with a choice to sacrifice his honor, his word, to get what he wanted, it was him being asked to choose whether he truly was his father's son, it was him being expected by the one who knew the truth to do the dishonourable thing for the greater good. He could have lied and supported Dany later, he could simply have walked away from the battles to come because they didn't directly concern him and his people and let Dany fend for herself. But would it have been the honorable thing to do? Smarter, yes. Wiser, yes. More beneficial to his own people, yes. But honorable? After taking Dany's help to defeat the White Walkers, which let's be honest, are a far greater threat to the North than anywhere else, after taking her armies and dragons to save his home and then turning his back on her when Cersei came at her with fresh forces would have been as far from honor as possible. If Jon has indeed been playing Dany all along, then he should have accepted Cersei's offer - which would not only have placated the Northern Lords later, but would also have served as a potential hint of him playing Dany. But in keeping with the characteristic theme of this season, Jon chooses honor over the alternative more politically savvy choice. He upset everybody, even Dany, with this choice when he could have gone with the easier one, which would have ensured everyone - those at the Dragonpit as well as the Northern lords - would have been happy with the outcome. Everyone would have gotten what they wanted, and the subsequent - if any - reveal of Jon having played Dany all along would have made much more sense to the audience.

But Jon did not make the easy choice. The deliberate inclusion of this scene was only to portray that even when the choice is tough, Jon would choose honor. This is his character, his identity. Also, the callbacks to Ned Stark, aside from foreshadowing that when the time comes to choose, Jon would most likely choose his Stark heritage, remind us that Ned Stark valued honor above all, and the only times he sacrificed it was over love - love for his sister and love for his daughters, which caused him to abandon his honor for their survival. So for Ned Stark's son to betray a woman who trusts, loves, respects and admires him, a woman who's had the same struggles in life as he himself has, a woman who is willing to set aside her own personal goals to help him destroy the threat to his home, for him to betray a woman who has already given him everything he wanted, is actually a betrayal of Ned Stark's legacy and everything he stood for. By going so far as to blatantly lie in Ned Stark's name, Jon would have, in one stroke, destroyed everything that Ned Stark inculcated and symbolised, given what we already know about him having no motive at all for the undercover lover angle. So the callback to Ned was very necessary in highlighting that Jon is truly Ned's son, and throwing away his honor without an ironclad reason is not his character. It's simply not.

Also, this scene was very important because it very starkly set up the contrast between Jon (and even Dany) and Cersei. Remember how all of us were totally skeptical about believing Cersei at all in the first place? Even after the convincing reason of her wanting to protect her to-be-born child, it still was hard to believe that she would actually help them. And why was that?

'When enough people make false promises words stop meaning anything. Then there are no more answers, only better and better lies.'

As the audience, we now know not to trust Cersei. Even when she's being completely sincere, it's hard to trust her because her words have long since stopped meaning anything to us, she's not someone who's promises we'll ever trust, because as Jon said, they are only better and more elaborate lies. And lies won't help us in this fight. So Jon not lying is very important to show us this difference, of how we basically trust Jon's promises and how cautious we are when it comes to Cersei. And as if that's not enough, Cersei's scene with Jaime lays it all completely out, when Jaime is do adamant about sticking to his promise and is struggling to understand how Cersei could have lied to them.

Cersei: I'll say whatever I need to say to ensure the survival of our house

To Cersei, the priority is only her house, her family, to the point that she can't even acknowledge the enormity of the Northern threat. She's focused on ensuring her family's survival, everyone else be damned. And that is categorically shown as an evil thing. Saying whatever is needed to be said, making false promises, basically everything that the Jonsa fans expect from Jon is clearly and emphatically shown to be evil, to be wrong. The whole purpose of the Dragonpit scene is to bring out this contrast between Jon and Cersei - Cersei doesn't care about futile things such as honor and promises when the question is about her own family's survival, Jon however not only cares about the realm, as a whole, but he also highly values honor and takes his promises seriously. We even have Jaime Lannister (my cute nugget 💖) walk away from Cersei, whom he loves above and beyond all, because of his honor. If, after all this, Jon is shown to not have any honor at all, then...

#jonerys #jon snow #game of thrones #undercover lover #doctor who gif #because i'm an idiot

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