#i've had a rather rough few weeks and has not been present the way i wanted to be-- those i have not yet answered to-- i will-- soon.

[magnusbae]

I confess, I am... kinda excited ; w ;

[deadeyedaisy]

Tales of Destiny ~PROUST~ Forgotten Chronicle rough summary

I wasn't sure where else to post this, and Tumblr seemed like the one that would get the most use out of it.

So, I streamed my blind run through TODDC with Kio for the past several months. I ended up getting really into TOD from how much cleaner the presentation of the story and characters were over the PSX version, and was really frustrated that nobody had translated the drama CD, which had been hiding like 95% of Leon's characterization until the remake came along.

I kept a notepad of stuff to talk about during those streams. Sometimes it was off-topic things, sometimes it was little tangents about parts of the game that I thought of over the week until we'd play again. Sometimes it was summaries of supplemental material that was never localized. But most of the time, that material was translated by a fan.

Nobody has fully translated Proust. I wanted it to be translated. So I listened to it as hard as I could and summarized as best I could. The following are the unedited notes as I wrote them to be read during stream, rather than a direct translation or anything formal. I'm not good enough at Japanese to fully translate it. I'm so not good at Japanese that there's probably a lot of errors throughout this summary, too. I hope someone eventually comes along and gives us a full translation.

Also note that I'm not great at recognizing the voices of anyone that isn't the main cast of protagonists, so I probably mix up the antagonists or the generals' identities a lot.

--------------------------

So I went back through the drama cd, and I think I've got a few more little details. I could be wrong about a lot of this since there's no translation and I am really fucking bad at Japanese. But this should actually clear up a lot of misconceptions that we, or I had throughout this entire game. Foolish me for just believing everything TVTropes told me instead of trying to comb the drama cd myself.

(track 1-01 Thunder + track 1-03 Lullaby) Chris tried to escape with both children, but Hugo sent the goon squad after her?? and they managed to take Leon and mortally wound Chris. She drags herself back to the mansion to see Leon again and asks him not to hate Hugo, because this certainly isn't the same kind person she married. [I previously summarized it based on this post, which does a much better job of summarizing track 1-03: https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/136918641610/so-after-the-horrible-sad-feels-from-the-emilio]

(track 1-02 History That Was Forgotten is just Leon saying the title of the CD)

(track 1-04 Yes, My Lady) Less than 2 years before the game starts. The girls in Leon's class aren't very good at dance lessons yet, so he complains to Marian that all the girls are stupid-- oh but not you Marian, it's only other girls that are dumb. lol I can't catch why Leon's mad at Hugo this time, but Marian sticks up for Hugo, since he's the one who pretty much discovered how useful Lens could be to further technology and make modern life easier, and has for the most part made it all affordable. She's also grateful that he hired her when she had nothing. Marian wants Leon to make friends with the girls because she's worried he'll be all alone. Leon says he's fine alone and that he'll only grow stronger, and to distract Marian, decides to teach her the dance he learned, calling her "my lady". At the end, he says he'll be fine as long as he has Marian. Hugo walks in on them and Leon quickly makes an excuse but Hugo just puts him down for hanging with the staff and tells him to get to sword practice. Leon seems excited for it. Leon whispers to Marian that they'll practice dancing again. Marian says she's looking forward to it, but when he leaves, she sadly mumbles that he's a pitiful child. (Not in a mean way)

(track 1-05 True) [Oops I didn't cover this one. It's just villainy anyway. Who listens to Proust to hear Mictlan-Hugo monologue?]

(track 1-06 Man of the Mask) I forgot about this detail and its MASSIVE importance. In the original, Leon and Hugo's relation wasn't known for a long time. In the remake, their relation is paraded around loudly. Hugo will not let anyone forget that Leon is his son, and Leon's motivation is to not be a nepo baby. But in the original, specifically in the drama CD, Hugo doesn't want their relation known. He doesn't want Leon around while he's doing business because it might reveal their relation. He reprimands him for coming home while he's doing business and tells him not to come home so often. Leon was actually excited to let him know of one of his missions' successes, on his 15th birthday no less. Chaltier tries to comfort Leon when he's basically told to gtfo, but Leon tells him he's not sad at all, and that he just wants to be acknowledged by someone as skilled as Hugo. His cadence is fairly fond as he says all this, but he's awfully insistent about it. Like thou-doth-protest-too-much insistent. Leon thinks he saw a masked man, but Chaltier says he doesn't sense anyone. They go on their way, but a filtered voice of Hugo calls Leon's name.

(track 1-07 Emilio) The following track makes it more clear that yes, he was actually very fucking upset about it. I already talked about this track since it was one of the only 2 tracks that were fully translated by someone else. Where Marian has a little private birthday party for him and he breaks down. With the added context of the previous track, the breakdown makes a bit more sense. He's just been told and brushed off again by Hugo even after so many smashing successes. Took it upon himself to put up a strong front in front of Chaltier. Then Marian does this gesture of kindness that I guess makes him feel like he's being treated like a child or mocked, and that's the last straw. Marian is of course calling him Emilio, and he refuses that name because Emilio is worthless, nobody needs Emilio, and he's all alone. He insists he's Leon Magnus, because he's at least useful as a tool for Hugo. Marian doesn't like him calling himself a tool. Says he's her precious Emilio. And Leon cries. [Previously summarized based on this post, which actually has a full translation!: https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/136880537875/jeredu-spoilers-for-tales-of-destiny-for]

(track 1-08 Family) Next track takes place a year later and has Leon being the wunderkind beating everybody and being taken under Finley's wing. They've all got praise for him but are a little put off by him being so uptight. Late at night, Leon sneaks into Marian's room through her window because of the lecture he got about COMING HOME TOO OFTEN jfc. He's excited to tell Marian about officially working with the knights, and asks to dance with her. I think I skipped a bit. Leon only started trying to become a knight because Hugo told him to, so that he'd have a pawn within the castle to help further Oberon's goals. I think he moved out of the mansion after the last track to dedicate himself more fully to cementing his position there?? I'm probably wrong. But he's been a lot happier this way. Later that night, Chaltier tries to suggest that Leon just continues living like this and become a full fledged and honest knight instead of working for Hugo, because all of the generals seem to like him and are nice people. Buuuut Leon's already fallen asleep. Boo

(track 1-09 Nightmare) Next track has Leon and Finley talking and they think Greybaum's sus. They meet with Greybaum and Chal also thinks he's sus. That night, Leon has a nightmare where a man is telling him he can save Rutee. Except Leon doesn't know who Rutee is yet, or her name. The man is wearing a mask like the one from the mansion. It seems to be the real Hugo. He attacks Leon when he knocks his mask off I think?? and I guess Leon wakes up and is back at the mansion temporarily? I have no idea what's going on here but Hugo's not doing great and Leon rushes to his aid but Hugo basically tells him to gtfo his house again. I think real Hugo is fighting Mictlan, because Leon says something about Berserius. Belserius. Berselius. Fuck it. Scene change and Leon's at a tavern or something. The waitress fawns a bit, showing his good reputation has spread. Leon thinks about the nightmare and what the heck a Rutee is. Then he overhears some guy talking about a demonic lens hunter dude and the waitress is like oh nah you mean that girl Rutee? and Leon all but trips over himself to go aggressively interrogate the waitress. The guy she was talking to gets mad and tries to attack Leon and a fight starts. Finley shows up and slaps Leon and reprimands him and I think threatens him?? But Leon got the information he wanted out of the waitress.

(track 2-01 Masquerade) Next track. The villains talk stealing the Eye of Atamoni. A masquerade ball is held in Seinegald. Leon's all ready to be big bad security but Finley says he should blend in and dance. But he ain't got no fancy clothes! So Finley arranges to get him some fancy clothes. He's about to arrange for a partner too but Leon's like nah I got a girl for this and yoinks Marian up. She's worried she's not allowed to attend such a party, but Leon assures her she's part of the mission so it's fine. She tries to make excuses to not go but he shoots them all down. He sounds like he's having just oodles of fun on the carriage ride with her to the ball. He's laughing and smiling and it's just great. This moment is probably literally the happiest Leon will ever be in his entire life lol He… sneaks her in through the BACK DOOR and gets stopped by guards who ask who dis. And he says, "my partner" and they say they can't let randos in and he says NO SHE'S MY PARTNER and they say :/ that's not good enough bro, come on, and Marian takes his arm all suggestive like and says "What part of partner don't you understand ;)" and they let them in??? okay But Marian hasn't received her dress yet, so Leon's waiting for her to get dressed. And Chal teases him a bunch implying Leon's nervous to see her in her fancy dress. Leon tells him to shut up but Chal notes he's blushing really hard. But, Leon suddenly sees the masked man again, and this time Chal sees him too. Leon attacks but he disappears. He hears the voice and he's big mad 'cause he thinks he's being jerked around so he shouts a lot. Marian hears him shouting and rushes to him and real-Hugo goes whoops sorry about that I guess lmao and goes away. The ball gets into full swing and allll the girls are wowed by how pretty Leon's partner is. Marian says she feels awkward and Leon tells her she's beautiful, but she still doesn't think she should have come. He asks her to dance, she tries to make excuses not to, but he keeps asking, calling her "Lady" again like when they danced alone ;A; aaaa So they dance, and Leon is just so entranced and whispers that he wants to go far far away together to a place with only them, that's quiet and warm. He says something like he lost such a promised place inside of him a long time ago, but feels that it's also right there with her, and he's about to say something that MIGHT have been a confession, but they're interrupted by an attack and are separated. SO YEAH I'D SAY HIS FEELINGS FOR HER ARE PRETTY ROMANTIC. HOLY SHIT. I felt like I was listening to one of those listener-POV CDs where they do nothing but sweet-talk you, gosh. Whether his feelings are actually romantic or not, he's still just entirely fucking smitten with her. oh my god.

(track 2-02 Venomous Snake) Next track, I have no idea what's going on because I'm not familiar enough with all the villains' voices, but it's villain stuff. I think it's Greybaum mostly, and they're messing with King Isaac, the Phandaria King. And Greybaum is evil monologuing but Leon was hiding in the room and ambushes him. Hugo shows up before Leon can do any damage and something happens or is talked about, idk, villains get away. Leon's like what the fuck, dad, they tried to kill the king. Hugo says Isaac's spent too long in office and ain't doin his job right no more. So it's fiiine just let it go, besides, Graybaum's gonna be a useful tool. And the word "tool" sets Leon off 'cause it's always about tools with Hugo, and Hugo goes YEAH, A TOOL, A TOOL JUST LIKE YOU. I'VE BUILT HIM UP AND I'M TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIM, JUST LIKE I DID TO YOUUUU. And he demands Leon apologize but Leon says no, he's done being Hugo's puppet, he's going to live for himself, he's not going to accept this shitty fate anymore, he's going to carve his own path and make a place for himself in Seinegald. And Hugo goes "Ohoho what silly thoughts Finley's put in your head. Sure, you could do all that, you could escape me no problem, you're good enough for it, but I wonder how Marian is doing~ Sure hope she's okay after getting separated from you. It's just such a scary world out there, you never know when or where such a fragile little thing like her could get got." So basically the ongoing threat on Marian's life has begun. It's not explicitly stated, but obviously the implication is that Leon could leave and take Marian with him, but Hugo will get to her one way or another. Then it's just 20 full seconds of Leon desperately calling and looking for Marian.

(track 2-03 Requiem) Next track, he finds Marian and clings to her and sobs in relief that she's okay. She says yeah it's okay I'm fine, but Leon just cries harder. Later after he's calmed down, he brings up that far away warm place he spoke about. He wonders where that could even be anymore. Probably somewhere further than the moon. He wonders if he can go there. Then it's very suddenly Finley's funeral. People are crying. The priest is praying. People are swearing vengeance. Hugo, Chaltier, and Finley's voice echo in Leon's head. Hugo coercing Leon into poisoning Finley. Chaltier asking him not to do it. Finley telling Leon they're alike in that they both lost their parents at birth. That he'd like for Leon to think of him as his father, because he thinks of Leon as his son, I think. Hugo reminding him where his place is, and that that's never going to change. Finley succumbing to the poison, in disbelief that it was Leon, and desperately asking why. Leon's sure he's never going to get to that place. Hugo and friends do some villain talk and make some snide remarks at Leon, and he just says it's fine. He's defeated at this point.

(track 2-04 Rutee) Next track has Leon on his way to Cresta to look for whoever Rutee is. Chaltier recognizes the name a little but doesn't remember. Rutee runs into him and runs away, but Chaltier recognizes Atwight on her back right away and they give chase. Rutee's giving gifts to the kids at the orphanage, is asked how she made the money for this and she's like "eehh I worked really hard :D" Chal finally remembers Rutee was the name Chris spoke of before she died and he's super excited that Leon's not all alone, that he still has his sister. But Leon just runs away. Chal's like what the fuck, where are you going, and Leon says it's been 15 years, so it doesn't matter, they're not family. Chal keeps trying to get him to go back to Rutee, insisting she must have been looking for her family for a long time, and that he should reach out to her. Leon admits that he's scared that Rutee won't accept him. Chal tells him that's stupid. Leon admits he's scared of Rutee also betraying him like Hugo did, and cries that he's truly all alone. The track ends.

(track 2-05 Flow of Fate) Next track, it's revealed Greybaum's theft of the Eye of Atamoni was actually not in the plan. He did that on his own and betrayed them. They plan for Leon to lead the investigation and gather the swordian users. Leon asks if Hugo knows who wields Atwight, and Hugo, like a fox, says mmmyessss. During Leon's first real meeting with Rutee, while she goes off on him, he's thinking to himself that he wishes he met her sooner, but he's too dirtied to face her for real by now. Chaltier insists to him that it's not too late, but Leon refuses. A bunch of scenes of Leon traveling with Stahn's group pass. Leon thinks about how Rutee has good friends and a home and family to return to, and feels even worse that he can't be happy for her. He hates himself for it, but he can't help it. Chaltier tells him he could become a part of her family. Leon says it'd be nice, since he's being shown such a warm place, but he can't escape his fate. More scenes pass, and Leon is moved by Stahn's resolve. He thinks maybe he was wrong about fate, because everyone is fighting. More scenes pass, and Leon is even moved by Batista and Greybaum, because they went against Hugo. Even if they couldn't win against their fates, they still tried. He's confused and doesn't know what to do, but Chaltier doesn't have answers for him. The only thing he knows he can do is protect Marian. The only reason he has to keep living is Marian.

It continues in the mines. Hugo and friends say they need to buy time to escape Stahn's group. He tells Leon to stall them as long as possible, and then detonate an explosive. Tells him exactly what will happen, down to the sea water flooding in. So Leon absolutely knows he's going to die if he agrees to do this. Leon asks to be alone with Marian, as his first and final request as Hugo's son. Marian observes that Leon doesn't want to go through with this. Leon says it's fine, he'll just do what he's told. He asks why Marian is here, why she's still a maid for Hugo. Marian answers it's because Hugo was trying to save the world, or whatever. She owes him a lot. So she'll do whatever she's told, too. Leon asks what'll happen if he dies. Marian says she'll probably never stop crying. Leon asks how much, for how long, because it's not possible to cry for him for her whole life. Says she'll probably cry for a bit, but eventually she'll meet someone he doesn't know, fall in love, get married, and have children, and she'll forget all about him, and then he'll truly be gone and not exist anymore. He'll disappear. Leon cries, really hard. He pulls himself together, apologizes, says she should go. She goes, but she calls after him that it was fun. That being with him was like a dream. He says quietly to himself that, yeah, it was like a dream to him, too. (The wording is different from the opening song! Important to note because the remake did a full on title drop in its climax. The opening song is 「夢であるように」, but the wording here is 「夢みたい」. But it's still probably a 100% intentional reference to the opening song.) [I cut off here because I previously summarized these two posts about the end of this track, which is an exchange with Chaltier: https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/136997902840/i-dunno-if-its-possible-to-fall-in-love-with-a https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/137057162215/checked-with-a-friend-who-knows-more-japanese-and]

[I yada-yada'd track 2-06 Father, Friend because I already summarized it previously based on this post: https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/143045097730/i-finally-typed-up-a-summary-of-father-friend]

(track 2-07 -Epilogue- Yes, My Lady) In the final track, Rutee is visiting Marian. She asks Marian to live with her. Marian declines, saying she has to keep Emilio's room clean for him for when he comes back. Rutee says he's already gone, but Marian interrupts and asks Rutee to dance. She teaches her how to dance. She calls Rutee "My lady" like Leon did with her.

-----------------------------

May I just say, if Leon retained his character from the drama CD in the remake, he absolutely would have broken down crying after Stahn convinced him they could work together to save Marian. And maybe hugged him or held his outstretched hand with both of his. While crying. Drama CD Leon is a huge crybaby and I'm so here for him. I was disappointed he didn't get to cry through the remake.

And also that hot damn, Hikaru Midorikawa was allowed to emote SO MUCH MORE in the drama CD than in the entirety of the remake, not even counting all the crying he does.

[pastriibunz]

heres your letter! i'd rather you private answer this if you do im embarrassed by how gay it is

happy birthday, princess. i know you’ve had a couple rough weeks recently, and im sorry i haven’t been able to do very much for you. i’m sorry last night even happened.

but i can do this. by the time you read this, sotbaw will be done and hopefully fully posted or queued it least. i hope every fic i've written for you this month brought you just a sliver of joy, even if they were all late lol.

this is the only letter i'm writing. i scrapped the other ones because of burnout, but this one was so easy to finish, it barely affected me at all. i’m still not the best letter writer, but i do my best.

you’re incredible. i don't want to talk about kai this whole time, but i think she deserves a mention or two at least. nothing goes unanswered (forever) or unturned when you write, and that shines when you write kai. she’s saved you, i know, but she’s saved me, too, and seeing the way she’s developed over the years (although i've missed almost all of them) is so genuinely amazing. both your drawings and writing come to life around her, no matter the tone. sotbaw would’ve been nothing if not for the little bits you helped out on, and really would’ve been nothing if you hadn’t started it, and boosted me along those first few days, not to mention the fact that you created this.

everything you touch, you improve. from our other friends, to the hatchetfield community, to me, my life, and my writing. nothing i’ve ever seen you do has been less than wonderful, and most things have exceeded even that. 

you’re kind, creative, hilarious and gorgeous. somehow you’ve wormed your way into my heart, and my daily routine in just a few months, and if i have any say, you’ll stay there. from the way you connect to other people, to hearing you sing and read while we’re on call, every moment from you is worth keeping in a locket.

and yes, i mean every single moment. the more time i get with you, the more i believe that there may be a god, and he’s gifted me with the most incredible person in the world.

you’re everything to me. i hope, somehow, i make you even a fraction of how happy you make.

i can’t wait to marry you someday. to see you dancing with your friends, singing at the top of your lungs, dressed in what i’m sure will be the prettiest dress in the world, just for the fact it’ll be yours.

i’ll see you in seattle, with our book on the shelf in our living room.

happy 16th birthday. i hope you enjoy your present. you’re the best friend, and best qpp i could ever have dreamed of, and ever have asked for. here is fic 21 and 22, 

surprise! and finale.

yours, 

          raspy <2

im. im literally gonna cry

listen. im not the best with words. not when im not talking about kai. but. i really do love you. i think youre the best thing thats ever happened to me. youve made me better. thank you for everything you do. i love you more than anything.

i cant wait to see you. youll be the most gorgeous woman ive ever seen. not that you arent already are. i just feel itll be better in person.

i love you, raspberrysmoon. thank you for loving me.

[im-always-the-problem-its-me]

i am battling too much, mostly i am losing against myself.

i have had a nasty cold all week that is finally starting to feel like it's on the mend. i've spent way too much time in bed when my spirit has longed to finally exert some of the long awaited creative energy that finally found its spark.

i had many difficult, yet enlightening, conversations before the onset of the cold. i realized the danger of 'in the moment' feelings. in hindsight, these fleeting moments of pleasure leave me empty and guilty at times. the guilt comes from the fact that there is nothing i can do about changing the past but parts of me insist on keeping dying embers blazing. the fire is out. i need to accept this. i need to be firm about it. i need to tell certain parties that i can no longer engage in the nonsense that i have been in the hopes that some future fleeting moment can happen because it will only lead to disaster.

i've had time to ponder while i've been healing and it really opened my eyes to my present situation. i did a 'life check' so to speak. in the midst of complete misery i started to see how far i've come. i didn't completely fall into bad eating habits even though i know i'm constantly feeling awful about how i look. i'm eating (even if it's sparingly, but i'm not at a danger level and with the support i reached out for, i think i can be okay for awhile...i can't get my mind to shut up about body image, but for now, i'm not starving myself...that's a good thing, it truly is) and i'm dealing with the guilt about eating even though i'm eating 'good things'. i don't know how to get out of the disordered phase of thinking, but one step at a time. i haven't fallen into a complete state of despair or psychosis even if to the outside it may look like i've given up on life. i'm just taking things more slowly. i'm not giving in to the pressure to be some 'success' when i have nothing to prove to the world or anyone. i'm disabled. i'm ill. i'm doing the best i can within the limitations of that and most days i can find at least one thing to be happy about. i have no long term goals at the moment and i need to retrain myself to stop believing that i do. i take care of my hygiene, my 'adult responsibilities' such as chores and bill paying, and i am keeping all of my medical appointments. all of that in itself is tiring enough so trying to add in any superficial nonsense to 'show the world that i am okay because i'm doing so many things!' would just be self-abuse at this point.

i'm keeping in touch with people. i'm writing letters by mail even because i believe it's a nice, personal thing that helps me feel more connected with someone rather than these techno boxes we've all stuffed ourselves in. i may be on my own here on this distant island for now but there are plans to change that. i just have to be patient about this move and not try to force things. all in due time. it's out of my hands for now anyway.

the biggest thing i thought of during my reflections was 'hey, you're alive.' that's a big feat in itself. just a few years ago i thought i wouldn't be and although that time wasn't the lowest i've ever been, i seriously wanted to give up and i nearly did. i'm still here and honestly, i'm good with that for the first time in a long time. things are continually changing for me, but i feel i am able to 'keep up' with those changes because there's a lot of the old me that i'm not holding on to anymore.

so i've lost to myself because i stopped fighting myself. this is a good thing. i'm fighting way bigger battles and i was standing in my own way too much because i couldn't cope with everything anymore. i'm glad to be in a better place. it's not perfect, but it's better. and the rest of these rough edges i am working to smooth out. but first i must recover from this cold and jot down these creative ideas i have with hope that i can be well enough to work on these projects soon. one at a time. one hour at a time.

[stormingthebeach]

Year 10

I think about this blog often. I always tell myself that I'm going to write in it, but then I don't. Maybe it's because the longer I've been in LA, the harder it is to celebrate the little things that used to excite me. I've finally become an old and jaded writer. Dreams do come true. Lolz.

The world is still weird. The pandemic is still winding down although things have felt normalish for a while. It just took Kevin McCarthy eleven voting sessions to become Speaker of the House. And, I've been back at my day job full-ish time since April with a boss who adds too much stress to my life.

After two years of consistent writing during the pandemic, going back into the office felt like a death sentence.

While at home from March of 2020 until April of 2022, I wrote four feature scripts, each of them significantly better than the last. The last three that I wrote all received high placements in multiple screenwriting contests. Eff yeah ;)

And the short film I was belly aching about in my last post? We finished it. We submitted to seventeen film festivals, we were "official selections" in seven of those, and we won awards at three of them. I still look back at the experience as being a pain in the ass, mainly because of egos (mine included), but I can't help but feel like this short film is a success and the experience I gained will stick with me for my entire career.

But since going back into the office, my productivity has plummeted. Work stress was consuming me. I've had way fewer hours in the week to write. And I honestly thought that I would have found a way out of the rat race before I was supposed to go back into the office. I was feeling pretty rough.

And then a new idea hit me and I started writing.

I submitted my first draft to a professional reader and right out of the gate, the notes were stellar. Lots of problems, sure, but this script was FUN. Writing the next four drafts felt really natural. Every new idea fit well. The story kept getting smoother. My third act came together perfectly. Fingers-freakin-crossed.

The last half of 2022 was very special. I had two of my LA best friends have bachelor parties and get married. And all four of those events were a blast. One guy is a writer and the other is an executive. Both two of my closest friends, both of them very well connected.

I made friends/ became closer with a handful of producers, writers, directors, and a guy who recently sold a script for seven figures. And you bet your sweet ass I asked every one of them to read my latest.

As I kept giving this script out, it felt like the notes were all saying the same thing in a different way. It boiled down to, "Why is your main character going on this adventure?" It's a question that needs to be answered, but I had so much trouble answering it.

And then one day it clicked. My character was presented this adventure and he took it on without thinking twice. No debate. No inner dialogue about IF this is what he wants to do. He just did it because he "should" do it.

Now, I've felt like a misfit for pretty much all of my life. (Me and every other person in LA, amiright?) With therapy I realized that I was living a life of "shoulds" rather than "wants". Over the last few years I've been quieting the "shoulds" and paying more attention to what I want. It hasn't been easy, but it's been worth it.

What clicked for me is that I never wrote the scene where my main character says "Yes, I choose to do this." He was simply presented with a challenge and simply went along with it. Assessing the situation, weighing the pros and cons, and then making the decision to move forward is what shows character. And I had left that part out.

Through different experiences in life, I often find myself in survival mode. I've made rash decisions based on fear. And it's never worked out for me. The idea of deciding "is this something I actually want to do, and why?" is something I'm still becoming comfortable with.

All of this is to say that my characters often find themselves in the same dilemma. So, why is my main character going on this adventure? Because he wants to. And now that I know WHY he wants to, I'm able to show that on the page.

The very first contest I submitted my latest script to, it placed THIRD OVERALL out of over twelve-hundred other scripts. As I'm writing this, I really want to express how happy I am, but I'm just a jaded old writer. What makes me happy is that it's a step in the right direction. The top five are called "winners", so it's the first screenplay contest I've "won", and I'm already past it.

My friendships with my LA friends has grown to a point where our little group feels like a family. And that's led me to other industry connections that feel really supportive.

My connections are growing. My skill is progressing. I'm officially an award winning screenwriter and filmmaker. And this latest script feels special-special.

Ten years in. I'm not where I want to be yet. But I'm fucking grinding.

[be-the-creature-fan]

The River by be-the-creatue-fan (Read my first story AIN'T NO TIME LIKE 1969 before reading this story)

Chapter 1

"Martin? What are you doing here again? Dr. Corvado was looking everywhere for you!"

Martin turned around to see who was talking to him.

"Mom?! What are you doing here?"

"It's a good thing that we've found you in time." Linda Kratt said as she grabbed Martin arm and took Martin away from the tomb stone.

"Mom, what are you doing? where are you taking me?"

She didn't say a single word and they both continued walking until they got to the parking lot. There stood an ambulance type vehicle with several doctors and police officers that ran towards him.

"Mom? MOM! What are you doing? what's going on!?"

Linda remained silent but her eyes were starting to water up as the doctors restrained him and shoved him into the back. One of the doctors looked very familiar, Martin looked at the name tag that was on the doctors shirt. Dr Corvado.

"Aviva! Oh man it's so good to see a familiar face!"

But Aviva didn't say a word, and ignored him. Martin being very confused still tried to talk to her, but with no luck.

"Aviva it's me Martin, Me, You, Chris, Koki and Jimmy would go around the world to rescue animals. you're a genius inventor and-"

"Smith! he's speaking crazy talk again, we should probably give him the shot now."

"Alright Corvado he's your patient."

"Wait what shot? Aviva you have to listen to me we were friends you have to beli-"

And just like that Martin was out cold.

Chapter 2

(Flashback to July 20th 1973)

It was what you would call a perfect summer day, the sun was shining, the sky was blue and excitement was still in the air. Chris had just celebrated his 4th birthday and he was still hyped about being another year older, but he was even more excited to go with Martin and his older sisters to the near by river at the place where the whole family camped.

"Bill are you sure Chris is old enough to go with them to that river?"

"Linda, of course he's old enough, they're going to the shallow part of the river, and plus I'll be close by incase the kids need anything."

"Oh alright, have fun you guys!"

As Bill, Martin, his sisters and Chris got closer to the river the more excited Chris became.

"Martin are we there yet?"

"It's going to be awhile until we get there, but don't worry we'll be in there in no time"

But Chris wasn't the most patient kid and decided to run ahead.

"Now Chris don't run to far ahead yah hear!" Bill called out.

"I won't!"

After a while of walking and running they finally made it to the river, only to find it flooded from the storm the night before.

"Welp, looks like we can't go swimming gang"

"WHAT!? But why Daddy?" Chris winned

"Well you see squirt, the river is over flooded, it's too dangerous to go swimming, but, it's not to dangerous to go berry picking" Bill said as he pointed towards some blackberry bushes. "Doesn't that sound like fun?"

"Uh I guess" Chris said a little disappointed.

So Martin, his sisters and Chris started picking blackberries close to the river as Bill went fishing just up river not to far from them.

"Man it's hot outside, I'm gonna cool off in the river"

"But Martin, Daddy said to not go in the river because it's to dangerous" Chris said

"Yea, he said it was dangerous for you because your to little"

"I'm not too little, I just turned 4!"

"Yea, and I'm 7 almost 8, I'm technically a man, and I'm old enough to go into the river if I want to."

Chris didn't take that to kindly and wanted to prove that he wasn't the little kid that everybody thought he was. When no one was watching he decided that's when he would make his move to go into the river.

"Chris what are you doing?" Susan said (one of the twin sisters)

Chris didn't respond as he jumped into the river. Chris underestimated the depth and power of the river as he was swept away by the strong current.

"MARTIN! Chris jumped in the river!" "He's getting carried down river!"Both Christine and Susan screamed.

Martin turned around to see Chris's head pop out for a split second, before the current pulled it back down.

"Susan! Go and get Dad! Me and Christine will try to get Chris out!"

Susan ran to get Bill as Martin got out of the river because even he knew that the current was to strong for him.

"MARTIN! HELP ME! *GASP* MOMMA ,PAPA *GASP* SAVE ME!...... save me....." Chris's head went under again.

"CHRIS! NOOOOO!"

(A few hours later)

Mr and Mrs. Kratt, we've found your son's body down river and I regret to inform you that your son didn't make . We are so sorry for your lost. we need-....................................

Martin and his sisters were sitting inside the trailer, he could hear his mom screaming in agony, he looked out the window to see them both crying. That's when Martin knew, but that's not how it was happen, Chris didn't die, he couldn't have died, he didn't die, he didn't die, he didn't die!

(Back in Present day)

Martin woke up to find himself in what seemed to be some sort of jail cell.

"Martin, you awake?"

"Jimmy? Is that you?"

Chapter 3

"Jimmy! Oh my gosh I'm so glad you're here! Where is here anyways"

"We're in some sort of insane esylem, but that's all I know because HOW ON EARTH DID WE GET HERE!!!"

"What is the last thing you remember?"

"Well, I was asleep in the Tortuga and the next thing I heard was sombody screaming and when I woke up I ended up here. I saw Aviva but for some reason she didn't respond, it was like she didn't recognize me"

"Wait do you remember Chris being alive?"

"Yea why wouldn't he be alive...unless. What happened while I was asleep?"

Martin explained what had happened to him, Chris's gravestone. the strange dream and how Aviva treated him on his way to the esylem.

"Oh my gosh...OH MY GOSH!"

"Jimmy what is it?"

"Its all wrong, this wasn't supposed to happen, when Chris went to the past, something happened that messed up the space time continuum."

"Well, how are we going to fix it?!"

"I-I don't know, its going to be hard to find the cause of how or what caused this to be our new reality. Time is very complicated stuff."

"Wait, how do you know about this stuff?"

"Martin, I don't just sleep, eat pizza and play video games all day. I usually subcaunsely listen to what Aviva and Koki talk about when it comes to complicated things like time trampolines and such."

"Oh"

"Hey Cell 37! SHUT UP!"

Martin and Jimmy turned to see one of the guards banging his fist on thier cell door. Then they saw the shadows of two other faceless figures before the door opened.

"I don't know how you escaped this time, but we'll make sure that it doesn't happen again yah hear?" The first person said

Martin and Jimmy were very confused as the 2nd figure walked in. Aviva walked in with a huge syringe. That was the last thing both Martin and Jimmy remembered.

Chapter 4

Martin and Jimmy were laying on their bunks. Numb, Cold, Afraid, their heads were pounding and they both were uncontrollable twitching. Martin's eyes began to water from the pain that he felt. Jimmy on the other hand felt anger and rage, his blood began to boil. Jimmy jumped from his bunk and ran to their cell door.

"YOU HEARTLESS SWINE!!! WE'RE NOT THE CRAZY ONES, YOU'RE THE CRAZY BIT-"

"Jimmy?" Martin said with a weak voice. "Was Chris ever alive? Or was I just crazy this whole time?"

"No, Martin, your not crazy, we're not crazy, Chris was alive. He was alive..."

The Next few days were rough for Jimmy and Martin as their hope began to dwindle. Martin kept having the same nightmares of his brother's death as well as having the same horrible dream of him just disappearing from existence like what he had originally witnessed, as the days passed it was getting harder to believe what was true. Jimmy was also going through a rough time. He still felt utterly betrayed by Aviva and missed Koki dearly.

"I wonder where Koki is?"

"Who knows." Martin said kind of miffed

"You know I loved her, right? I-I wanted to tell her how I felt...b-but I was always too chicken, a-and now I might never get the chance."

"Well sucks to be you. At least Koki might be alive somewhere, but guess what, Chris is dead and everyone thinks I'm a looney!"

Jimmy fell silent as he was to angry to say a word.

Weeks turned into months and not a word was spoken.

Until one day Martin overheard a conversation.

"I think I did it!"

"Did what Ms Corvado?"

"Well, for the past couple of years I've been working on a time machine and now I've think I've done it!"

"So she has been working on a time machine" Jimmy said kind of miffed.

"But what good would that do" Martin said feeling rather hopeless "it not like we can fix any of this, or can we..."

(Meanwhile with Chris)

Martin, that was the last thing Chris saw before he felt as if he was drowning. Fear was the last feeling that Chris had before he dissapeared into the abyss.

"Wh-Where am I?"

But the only response he got was an echo. His surroundings were white at first before becoming more clear. The first thing that came into focus was the green grass and the surrounding tombstones, soon more things came into focus he spotted Martin standing infront of one of the tombstones.

"Martin!" Chris yelled as he ran towards his brother to embrace him, but he went right through him.

Martin didn't hear him, he couldn't hear him, he couldn't feel him, Chris was nothing more than a soul.

(I'm putting this story on hold I am so sorry for leaving this on a cliff hanger I just need to think how I'm going to continue the story because honestly I ran out of ideas. Oop)

[simplybakugou]

The Villain -- Ch. 1: We’re Missing Katsuki

A/N: SO after the very positive feedback I received from my little villain!bakugou AU scenario I made, I've decided to make it into a series. It’s my first time writing a series on here so bear with me if it ends up being utter shit lol.

And I may be changing a few things compared to what I wrote in the one shot scenario so disregard some things if some information is different. And, this chapter is a little lackluster only because I wanted to establish the basic plot first before indulging into the juicy parts lol. Sorry that this is absolute dog shit, I did what I could.

Remember, if you want to be tagged in future chapters, comment below and I’ll add your username to the list?

Tagging: @chims-kookies​

Pairing: villain!bakugou x female!reader Warnings: swearing Word Count: 1,874

LINKS TO NEW CHAPTERS

✐posted 08.24.2018✐

Three Years Ago

“This is Japan Daily News reporting to you live from our broadcasting studio. Just moments ago, police have reported that the leader of the League of Villains, Shigaraki Tomura, has been pronounced dead. The man who killed him is former U.A. rising star student, Bakugou Katsuki, a young man who is now in his early twenties. Before the incident, Bakugou was kidnapped by the League in Kamino following former pro, All Might’s, final battle as a pro hero. No one has seen Bakugou since, but now, after seemingly committing three murders as well as the kidnapping of over twenty young aspiring heroes, Bakugou Katsuki has been pronounced the most dangerous man alive. If you see this man, report to the police immediate--”

Kirishima turned the television off before he could hear another word. “It’s pissing me off.”

You stared at the now blank television screen, completely frozen from the information that was just relayed. “That was... Katsuki.”

“Yeah, that was Bakugou. He really did join the League after all,” Kirishima muttered.

“It’s been seven years since we’ve heard from him and he goes and does something like this...” Mina uttered in disbelief.

Kirishima rose up from his chair, beelining for the door. “Thanks for lunch, Y/N. I’m going home after this bullshit.”

The sound of the door shutting echoed throughout your apartment. You continued to glue your gaze on the screen, grabbing the remote and turning the television back on.

“We now have a witness, one of the aspiring heroes that was kidnapped by Bakugou.” The news reporter turned to a young woman who was standing beside her, shivering from pure fright and shock. “What happened, dear?”

“He... He threatened us all... saying that he’d kill our families if we didnt join th-the League,” the girl stuttered.

“Bakugou Katsuki threatened you?”

The girl shook her head, widening her eyes at the news reporter. “No... the one with the scars and piercings did.”

You turned the television back off and leaned back in your chair. Mina looked at you with sympathy. “I can make some tea for you if you want, Y/N.”

You shook your head, looking down at your hands. “That’s alright. Thanks though.”

Mina rubbed your back. “I know how much he meant to you.”

Your hand clenched into a fist. “Do you... Do you really think he did it? Killed Shigaraki and kidnapped all those people?”

Mina sighed. “I’m not sure. He’s not the same Bakugou we went to school with, you know?”

“But he is!”

“Y/N...”

“He is, I'm telling you!” You grabbed Mina’s hands in your own. “He was kidnapped by the League, Mina. Deku even said Katsuki blames himself for All Might’s end, and maybe that triggered him to wanting to become a villain. I know he’s not evil. There’s no proof that he actually committed those crimes.”

“Are you sure you’re not just saying that because of how you felt about him back in U.A.?”

“Of course not. We graduated ten years ago and I haven’t seen him since. There’s no way he would just decide to become a villain out of nowhere, Mina, I know him.”

Mina sighed, looking down at your clasped hands. “I wanna believe that, too, but there isn’t much evidence supporting that he’s a good guy, Y/N. And we’re pros now. It’s our job to protect those who can’t protect themselves. And if there comes a time in the future where we have to choose between Bakugou and an innocent civilian, we are literally authorized to choose the civilian.”

“I know. But we have no idea if we’d ever be put in a situation like that with Katsuki.”

“Y/N.”

“I know, I know.” This time it was your turn to sigh.

“You have to be more professional now. In two days, the whole world is gonna recognize you as the number one hero and as the new symbol of peace. You can’t let a high school crush get in the way of that.”

You waved her off. “Oh, please. I liked Katsuki ten years ago. There’s no way I still feel that way about him.”

***

Present

“The League has stayed under the radar for the past two and half years. Despite a few run-ins with the Vanguard, it seems they aren’t making any flashy moves, not yet at least.”

“Still, we have to be on our feet at all times, right, Natsuya?” you said, looking at the notes that you were provided.

Before entering U.A. ten years ago, your childhood friend Yamashita Natsuya was rather close with you. Due to him being quirkless, he had no intention of wanting to even be affiliated with heroes and would often be confused as to why you wanted to become a hero in the first place. Nevertheless, he continued to support your ambitions, especially when he decided to enter the police academy and is now the Chief of Police as well as the most acclaimed detective in Japan, often working alongside you, the acclaimed number one hero.

Natsuya nodded. “That’s right. The police force is doing what we can to track down the League and that Bakugou guy. In the meantime, I’ll send you and Ashido the details about the members of the League and the Vanguard. We’re also calling in more reinforcements from the other Japan branches. This case’ll be big and we need all the help we can get.”

“You’re calling in other pros?” Mina asked.

Natsuya nodded once more, turning a page in one of his files. “Yeah, we’re calling in Cellophane, Earphone Jack, Froppy, Red Riot, and Charge Bolt. They’ll be temporarily staying in this branch and helping us out.”

You gasped in delight. “Sero, Kyouka, Tsuyu, Kirishima, and Kaminari are coming here?!”

“Yup. And if things get rough we might even call in Shouto, Tenya, Uravity, and Deku.”

“I haven’t heard from them in a while. It’s good to have the gang come back all together,” Mina said with a grin, you nodding along and agreeing with her. “Well, if that’s it, Mr. Chief of Police, we’ll be on our way.”

“Wait.” Natsuya grabbed your wrist, pulling you back into the conference room.

Your eyes widened instinctively from the sudden touch, turning back to Mina with a soft smile. “I’ll meet you at the apartment, Mina.”

Mina’s face broke out into a huge grin, waving goodbye to you. “I’ll leave you two love birds alone.”

You blushed, turning to face Natsuya who also had the same rosy color on his cheeks. He let go of your wrist. “I just wanted to say for you to be careful.”

“You know I'm always careful, Natsu.”

“That’s a damn lie and you and I both know that.” You both chuckled, remembering the numerous times you’ve been in the hospital due to your avid clumsiness. “But, I'm serious this time. The Department is saying the Vanguard is apparently attacking cities where huge pro heroes are. You’re number one and it’ll only be a matter of time until they attack you. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

You smiled, caressing Natsuya’s cheek with your hand. “I’ll be fine, I mean it. If it makes you feel better, once you call in all the other pros, I'll make sure I'm never alone so at least I'll always have backup.”

Natsuya sighed, causing one of his brown locks to fall on his forehead. “Okay, fine.” He opened the door for you. “Just don’t do anything stupid, Y/N.”

You waved him off. “Have a little faith, Natsu. I’m number one for a reason.”

He laughed and the two of you said your goodbyes. As you left the police department, Mina got up from her previous position of sitting on the bare concrete while waiting for you.

“Wow, that was faster than I expected,” Mina commented, looping her arm around yours as the two of you began walking to your shared apartment.

“He was just warning me to be careful. What’d you expect?”

Mina shrugged as you turned the corner. “Oh, you know, just the occasional flirty look over here, a make out session over there, and then you two ending up banging on his desk--”

“Okay, that’s enough!” You said, waving your hands in front of you, feeling your face burn up completely as Mina laughed at your expression. “We’ve only been dating for two weeks, you know.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Mina waved you off. “It’s about time, too. It only took Yamashita over twenty years to finally ask you out. If he didn't end up asking you out though, I would’ve done it for him.”

You chuckled. “I appreciate your concern, but we started out as best friends since we were kids. There was no rush for me to get into a relationship.”

“Y/N, you’re a hot twenty-six-year-old woman. I’m still wondering how Yamashita didn't propose to you the minute he saw you.” Mina shrugged as the two of you arrived in front of your complex, walking up to your apartment. 

You pulled out your keys to unlock the door. “Well, I never really liked him before. It’s the same way if Kirishima ever asked you out when you two were in middle school.”

Mina grimaced. “You’re right. I take it back.”

You chuckled, plopping down in front of your couch. “By the way, it’s your turn to cook tonight.”

Mina groaned. “Fine, but I'm picking tonight’s movie.”

You laughed. “Let me check what’s on cable right now.”

You leaned forward towards the coffee table, grabbing the remote and turning the television on. The Japan Daily News popped up.

“It seems that Kanto region here will be filled with arguably a few of the biggest pro heroes today. The Chief of Police, Yamashita Natsuya--”

“That’s your boyfriend!”

“I know, Mina! Now shut up so I can listen!”

“--has called forth the following heroes to Kanto in assistance with the cases filed against the League of Villains and the Vanguard Action Squad: Earphone Jack, Cellophane, Red Riot, Froppy, and Charge Bolt.”

“So Natsuya’s not gonna call Todoroki, Deku, Iida, or Ochako, huh?” You muttered.

Mina sat down beside you. “May be he thinks it’s okay as long as we’re all here.”

You shrugged. “May be. We don’t even know what the League is planning.”

“League or no League, I'm just glad that the gang’s back together! It’ll be just like the good ole days!”

You sighed softly. “Yeah, but we’re missing Katsuki.”

Mina eyed you briefly, all evidence of happiness erased from her face before looking back at the TV again. “Look, I know how much he meant to you and how close you two were. But he’s not the same Bakugou from all those years ago. You’ve gotta let those old feelings go, Y/N.”

You sat up, facing her. “This isn’t about some old high school feelings I've felt before. This is my concern as someone who was his friend. I still believe there’s something that we don’t know, Mina.”

Mina sighed, leaning back and lying down on the couch. “Okay, that’s fair enough. As long as you don’t have any unnecessary feelings for Bakugou.”

“Of course not. After all, I have Natsuya now. I don’t even care about Bakugou beyond an old friendship.”

[miralinnin]

Hello 2022.

Ok I have to admit that writing that felt really good. Not because it's 2022. But because I miss writing.

And all this time I was thinking I don't use my left thumb while typing. Apparently I do use it to make upper case. Oops. How did I not notice this weeks ago. Should I write in lower case? Hah.

Ah... I keep meaning to interject sentiments from other tongues. I was thinking it has been a really long time since I wrote this much in English, but I did not realize it would come with challenges of its own! However...

And this is why I'm here. Isn't it funny how language shapes the essence of thought? I did think about it, and it's nice to exercise writing in other languages, but I can only do this in English. This, being...

So it is now January 3rd, 2022. Today, I'm finally coming back to real life, the way it was before the December holiday season hit. It's been a real challenge trying to remember what life was normally like! Not the daily actions, those, are not a problem. The things that repeat every day, those are, not even easy to remember, rather you just wouldn't forget them.

No, it's the mental state of things. What I've been working on. What I've been moving towards. How much I have accomplished. What is my latest stage of progress.

I was of course already aware that I've regressed so much in December, but today I remembered one of my recent revelations I was supposed to be working on, and it caught me by surprise. I had completely forgotten that thought and practice had come up at all. That I had made that much progress, that I should have been working actively on that.

I've been coming off of holiday rush the past few days, and didn't have the mental space to reflect on 2021 and how far I have come since this time last year. It's been a long time since I've made new year's resolutions. I've learned through many years of trial and error that if you want lasting change, every day is a new day. Every moment, is the start of the rest of your life.

This year, however, I've come to realize that I have been unfair to the power of a fresh start caused by an arbitrary external factor. Yes, every day, is, a new start. However, we are all human, and there is nothing wrong with using the opportunities presented by the flow of life to help us along our journey. Before we are too far into the new year and already forgetting this transition, I wanted to take a moment to savor this step, use it for appreciation of the way up until here, and grounding for the path forward.

It's also partially because I have, in fact, changed a lot in 2021, and rather coincidentally since last winter. I'm quite proud of my progress, especially when I see such a stark change when I remember the me from last year. The past week has been a bit rough with thinking that I've regressed too much in December, struggling to get back onto the path. When I look at the whole year, though, and how far I've come... I know I'm fine. I'm doing good. Things right now.... They're great. Better than in a long, long time.

I'm almost the most proud of myself than I have ever been with how I handled 2021. I can see steady progress, and yes, there were so many setbacks, even months of stagnancy. But each time I was able to move past it, each time to a higher peak than before. I have a long, long way to go yet, but for maybe the first time in my life, I have confidence. That I can find the path, and stay on the path. Not with grim determination. But with compassion and mindfulness.

I feel good. There have been a lot of changes. There's much bigger changes coming. But the 2022 portion is a more... Picking and eating the fruits of the trees as they sprout and grow. The trees have already all been planted. Now we just wait for the flowers.

And that brings us to the end of 2021, and start of 2022.

As we wait for the trees to flower...

I'm here.

In my head.

Much of the external changes have already taken place. Sure, there is room of polishing and improving, but not like before. The foundation is already done. I have confidence that I'll be able to handle myself.

The internal changes, on the other hand.

Still only in the beginning stages.

There's definitely been progress. I can recognize spirals much earlier. I can stop much earlier. I feel much less guilt. I beat myself up much less.

But staying in the right mindset still takes extreme amounts of conscious effort. I once again saw this over this holiday season. I was in the best possible shape mid-December. I can go a few days still keeping a grasp on things once my routine gets shook up. But I'm not handling it the right way, the little pieces of negativity keep building up in the corner I keep sweeping them to in my head, until a big crisis happens and I don't have any energy left to control my reactions. The pain body takes over. And then forget progress, forget practice, forget presence. I am on survival mode until all triggers exit my daily life, and I have the space to slowly come back to my path.

And thus, apparently, to tumblr.

For 2022, I want to make even better progress with working on my mindset, especially now that a lot of my external stressors are gone. I've been working a lot inside my head, which, to me, is the most effective way, but there's a lot of downsides. It can be hard to focus, and it's really difficult to remember insights. I would like to use this space to record insights and my current practices, so that I have a place to ground me when my focus is lost.

Other than creating the space, I have no current plan or direction. We will evolve as I learn what works and doesn't. I definitely need to be mindful of using this space as a tool and not the end goal. I know all too well that you can put the most profound words to paper, while not living those words in that very moment. None of it matters if it's not the reality inside your own head. That is the only goal.

I'm saying that because I do tend to get caught up in writing :) Today I suddenly realize I truly do miss writing as an artistic outlet. Maybe that's part of why I kept feeling so off last year.... You know... Just between us, I think I'm a writer :) Hah, not! A good one! Just that... My existence yearns to write.

You know, I'm pretty good with writing and running to simply enjoy the process, even if I'm bad at it, rather, not even thinking about being good or bad. It's just the activity, and it flows by itself.

I am still working on extending this mindset to other areas of my life.

The struggle with how certain things "should go", and the immense frustration when they don't, is a daily occurrence to me that I need to work on.

For now, though, I need to start with grounding, from the beginning.

What am I doing?

Why am I doing it?

What are my guiding principles?

Let's go from there.

At the end of 2021, I let my focus shift.

I'm here to find it again.

[ecotone99]

[MF] The Tempest

Aseari wanders through the market. His tall form cuts a striking figure and most of the people walking around him find themselves stepping to the side to let him past. His eyes scan the crowd as he moves, moving from the faces of passing people to their belts. He notices a commotion at the other end of the market. A small girl wearing dirty rags is being pulled by her hair as she attempts to disappear into the crowd holding a freshly baked loaf of bread. He steps quickly forward, pulling a small pouch of coins from inside his vest. He fishes out a single coin and grabs the arm of the market vendor. "I'm sorry, she's mine. I sent her off to fetch me bread and must have forgotten to give her a coin to buy it with." He stares into the face of the man. Bright blue eyes not breaking away. "You know how children can be, so scared of consequences."

He gestures with his hand and the silver coin he fished out earlier appears between his fingers, glinting slightly as it reflects the sunlight. The merchants eyebrows unfurrow as he sees the coin and he moves to take it from Aserai. As the merchant starts to move, Aserai releases his arm and is knocked a step forward as the little girl breaks away and disappears into the crowd. The merchant lets out a chuckle and pockets the coin. "Word of advice. Mind your own damn business before you end up poor just like that little rat."

Aseari turns and walks away, a small smile spreading across his lips. He makes his way back through the market towards a small building with the picture of a smashed crate burned into the sign hanging above its doorway. He steps inside and slips a small folded piece of paper to the slim man sitting on a stool behind a small counter. The paper disappears without a word and with a small nod Aseari turns to step back into the crowded market streets. He moves through the crowds with confidence, one hand resting on the hilt of the curved sword hanging at his side. Before long the crowd thins and he finds himself standing at the edge of town. He takes a deep breath and sets his shoulders, ridgely placing one foot in front of the other as he leaves town.

The sun is just setting when he arrives at the top of the cliffs that hide a small bay from the rest of the world. He passes by the bushes that hide the small path down to the oceanfront and smiles the second a large wooden vessel comes into view. He can't help but find her beautiful, fast and sleek the Damned Tide cuts an impressive figure. The crew sits lazily on the deck, a few drinking and bickering as cards are revealed face up on the top of a barrel and coins are shifted from one person to the other. None of them look up as Aserai makes his way onto the deck of the ship. Everyone quiets for a moment as he passes by them on his way to the stairs that lead below deck. He knocks on the first door he comes to and a voice calls out to enter. He steps inside taking in the somewhat barren cabin. Anne has never been one for decorations. She is sitting there at a small desk in the corner of the cabin, lazily turning the pages of a ledger book, a fanciful silver wine glass held in her hand. "I've dropped of the list of supplies captain. No one in town knows we are here and we should be ready to leave in the next two days." "Good. My bones ache every day we aren't out at sea. I'm going to tear the heads off of those scum outside if they knock on my door one more time. You'd think pirates wouldn't whine like children." As the crew falls into their familiar roles of trimming the sails and maintaining their captains beloved vessel a week into their journey Aseari thinks to himself how this group of rather unsavory individuals manage to work together, seemingly flawlessly. They were meant to sail a ship, in the same way that he was meant to stand at the side of the ship, gazing out across the open ocean, taking in the salty breeze and feeling the sun on his tanned face. Satisfied that they are alone on the ocean he turns and steps towards the captains quarters. He is shocked to find the captain pale and in her bed. Rushing to her bed, the Tempest of the seas, looks frail and almost unfamiliar to him. The woman who was strong and intimidating enough to gather this group of terrifying and at times bloodthirsty crew of pirates under one banner now laid before him, barely able to keep her wits about her. She looks up at him with an unfamiliar look in her eyes, fear.

She reaches up to take his hand in hers. Rough and calloused her hand struggles to squeeze his own as she croaks out something under her breath. Aseari leans towards her, ducking his head to catch her words. "The Tempest must live on."

He shakes his head and squeezes her hand. "You will. I swear it."

Days pass and the waves grow larger as the sky darkens and Damned Tide finds herself caught in a terrible storm. Her crew with Aseari at the helm is forced to give it everything that they have to keep the vessel afloat. They struggle for days, bailing water and fighting against winds that threaten to capsize the ship. The crew sleeps in shifts, falling into restless sleep as soon as they make their way below deck. All but Aseari. He never leaves the deck of the ship. He moves along the boards of the deck with ease, catching ropes that fly loose and crewmen that lose their feet. He stands at the wheel of the ship, bellowing orders in a deep voice that cuts between the wind and waves.

Aseari begins praying to any god that will listen, starting low under his voice as he works with ropes, pulling them down and tying them quickly. This lasts for a while, but before long he is shouting at the top of his lungs, cursing the sea and her waves. He bellows madly from the helm of the ship, battling against the storm with the creative curses of a sleep deprived sailor. On the third day all seems lost. The crew moves sluggishly through their work and Aseari drags a few crewmen trying to skip their shifts from their bunks and hammocks. His eyes are bloodshot and his face a mess of rain and anger as the storm breaks and the ever present sound of the wind fades. The pouring rain relents and a few rays of sunlight peak through clouds that seem much lighter than they were only hours before.

Most of the crew falls where they stand exhausted, but not Aseari. He has one thought in his mind and he rushes to the captains quarters and slams the door open to find her cold and unmoving in her bed. He falls to his knees tears filling his eyes and sobs racking his body he holds her calloused hands, seeing the strength that they once had. The Captain’s last request echoes in his mind and he steels himself. The sun has shifted when he returns to the deck of the ship, and as he pushes the door open he sees the whole crew standing on the deck waiting in silence. None of them had seen their captain through the entire storm. A few faces held fury, others were too tired to care at all. All were silent waiting for him to speak. In that moment of total silence there was not a single bird song in the sky, not a single whisper among the men, only the lapping of the waves against the sides of the ship. When he spoke his voice cut through the silence, ragged and worn, weary he stood to his full height. “I am the Tempest. I am your captain. These past few days I have fought against the forces of nature and now claim my title as captain of The Damned tide."

A few mutters spread through the gathered crew. Aseari stared them down, eyes bloodshot. "Get to work, I'll not have my ship left in shambles. There is work to be done." As he says this he hopes that the crew does not see the tears still running down his face or perhaps that they dismiss them as rain drops, but the rain had stopped hours earlier.

If you want to read other short stories, visit the website below.

https://www.ityatale.com

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