#i. i feel like they're depressed. i would be. but if they seriously don't notice that they have no control over their actions

[existencebringsonlypain]

hm. the line "it's what they call 'you'." can be interpreted in two different ways.

so far, we've seen the distinction between us and kris by the narrator, what with "Kris calls for susie/ralsei" and "You whisper Noelle's name" (maybe not exactly? but you get what I'm saying). But this doesn't seem TOO consistent. I'd wager a guess that the narrator at least reflects Kris' thoughts, since it has their sense of humor and everything, so it makes sense that "you" depends on the context- whether they're talking to us or themself.

So we've got two ways of reading this line. "It's what they call 'you'."

The first- Talking to us. It's what they call "you", meaning that despite what people say, the person in the mirror isn't you, it's Kris.

The second- talking to themself. It's what they call "you", meaning that it's not actually them, and rather the player. The person in the mirror isn't Kris, just... you.

While still having the same overall meaning of "you are controlling my body and deceiving people by acting like you're me", they tell a different story concerning Kris' outlook on what's going on here. On one hand, you have them refusing to accept that you've taken their identity and insisting that it's still them. On the other, we have a more unfortunate outlook- That even though the people still think they're Kris, they're not, and that what was Kris is now you. That Kris is now just... Not present.

Of course, Kris IS present, but interpreting this line in one way can drastically change how far along in acceptance they are, and how they feel about the situation as a whole.

I've kind of forgotten where my brain was going, so have this.

[shedobewritingalittle]

Let The Light In

Pairing: Joel Miller x Reader

Summary: Glimpses into a life alongside Joel Miller.

Rating: R

Word Count: 3.2k

Warnings: Canon violence, mentions of sex, graphic depictions of violence and death, depressing themes, mentions of miscarriage, mentions of loss

She knew they weren't meant to last.

She had told herself this every time she snuck out of his bed in the early morning, gathering her clothes as quietly as she could as the sun slowly starts to rise over the QZ. There wasn't supposed to be any feelings attached to this, to these nights that they have together and she repeats that over and over as he snores softly. It's just an even exchange, that's all. A way to let off some steam, a way to get their needs met.

They weren't supposed to be that close. They weren't friends-there wasn't really friends anymore. Her and Joel-well, they were really more like coworkers.

Coworkers that fucked, but coworkers nonetheless.

I mean, it was normal, wasn't it? Before all of this carnage, before the world fell apart, coworkers fucked each other. It was completely normal.

Again, that's what she also told herself.

She'd slip out of his apartment and would see him later on, when their paths would cross during whatever jobs they'd be doing that day. They would acknowledge each other in the moment, but they'd keep it at that. She had tried her best to just keep it at that-at the nights they shared together.  She wouldn't get hurt if all they had together were those nights. Those few hours in his tiny little bed.

But life couldn't be that simple. She knew better than that.

"What was your favorite TV show?" He asks one night, moonlight steaming in through the dirt and grime on the windows of his apartment. The question is out of character for him and they both know it. They don't talk about before, but either way, she gives in. She can't help it, this small tiny slice of domesticity. She's greedy and she knows it.

"Law and Order: SVU. I liked that the bad guy always got caught." She replies, turning onto her side so she can look at him, "However, my mom made me watch Dateline and 48 Hours with her. She wanted to make sure I was never taken, y'know...normal shit."

He can see a shift in her eyes as she remembers those memories. He gets that glimpse into her family, into how she was raised. All that he knew about her family was that they're were long gone, their bodies scattering the United States from California to Connecticut. Now he knew that her mom was paranoid, terrified that something bad was going to happen to her kids. Just like he had been with Sarah.

They'd both been right.

But he doesn't say this, he keeps this observation to himself. He knows he can't stay silent for long, because the longer the silence the more she's thinking about everything that has happened. So he just nods, his arm tucked behind his head. He looks like he's seriously thinking about his answer, wanting to give her the God's honest truth.

"The Sopranos-Tommy and I used to watch it. I paid a little every month for that damn show." He shakes his head at the thought of it, as if he is still annoyed. She smiles, trying her best to stop the almost girlish giggle that almost escapes her mouth. He catches the sound almost immediately, raising an eyebrow at her as the corners of his mouth turn upwards ever so slightly, "You laughin' at me, girl?"

Oh, she was so fucked.

-

Sometimes she'll dream of him.

She knows it's a bad sign-a dangerous one, even- but she can't control her subconscious. And she surely can't control those dreams she has of him and her, a farm somewhere out west, and two little mini-me's that have his hair and her eyes. And she can't control the ache she gets in her chest when she awakes, grieving something that isn't real, something that she can never have.

On the days that follow those dreams, the world is a little colder and Y/N is a little quieter. Joel isn't much of a talker, but he notices. He doesn't pry, of course-it's not his place and he knows it. They carry on with their day and she think about whether or not they should end things, if it was all going too far. Surely it had to be-he was lodged deep inside of her self conscious, he was something she just couldn't shake.

And then the next day, she'd be face down in his bed, his hands gripping her hips, the cycle only continuing. She's in too deep and she knows it, but she just can't stop. She's addicted to him and she just can't get enough.

-

When Ellie enters the the picture, their situation changes.

Gone are their nights together. Now all they get is glances at each other-knowing looks behind the kid's back-and quiet talks when they know she's asleep. He'll hold her when the nights get too cold and she starts to limit her food intake so there is a little more food for both him and Ellie. If he notices, he doesn't say a word.

Their relationship changes after Bill and Frank's, after that letter Bill had penned to Joel. They try to ignore it, ignore the questions that Ellie fires their way after she reads it. Y/N's cheeks burn as she snatches the letter from Ellie, telling her to run upstairs and shower. The teen rolls her eyes at the two of them, muttering how two of them just want to get rid of her so they can suck each other faces. As soon as she is upstairs, Joel grabs Y/N and slams his lips against hers, kissing her like it's the last thing he might do. Her cheeks are wet, but neither of them acknowledge it.

His hand is on her thigh all the way to Kansas City.

Kansas City is where Y/N's motherly instincts-as Joel outs it- seemingly kick in. She's constantly asking if Ellie is okay, and when Sam and Henry join them, she does the same with them. Joel teases her about it, tells her to stop being such a mother hen. She tells him that she'll only stop when he does. He rolls his eyes in response.

She starts to think how different it could be-the five of them, all together. She hadn't thought about life turning into something like...this. To a sort of family. She wonders if it's possible for them to take care of the three of them

When things go belly-up in the motel room, she immediately wraps her arms around Ellie, tears springing in both of their of eyes. She tells the kid over and over to not look, even though they both are. Joel is frozen in place, his eyes going from the two bodies on the ground and to the two women holding each other.

-

The snow is starting to stick to the ground when they reach Wyoming.

A part of her longs for a life in Jackson. Everything seems so...normal. Kids runnin' around in the street without a care in the world, there's even a Christmas tree in the town center.  Joel sees the way she looks away, looking down at the ground and he wonders when the last time she celebrated anything was.

She watches him embrace his brother and she's happy for him, she truly is-but she can't ignore the way her throat starts to tighten. She looks away, finding something to focus on in the distance, her nails digging into her palm. If Ellie notices, she keeps it to herself.

She's surrounded by families, with big happy smiles stretched across their faces. Maria and Tommy are talking, explaining everything about their safe haven, but Y/N doesn't hear a word of it. She just follows them, her hands shoved into the pockets of her coat. She doesn't even realize Maria is taking to her until Ellie nudges her.

"Sorry-What was that?" She asks, looking up at her. Maria offers her a smile, clasping her hands together.

"I was saying that I'm going to show you guys where you're going to be staying while Tommy and Joel go catch up. Is that okay?" Maria tells her and Y/N smiles back, nodding. She stays quiet as Maria gives them a tour of the house. She doesn't know how to quite respond to this whole situation, how to think about it all, how to react. Y/N manages to sneak away from the conversation, hiding in the bathroom under the guise of showering. She turns on the knob and sits on the edge of the tub. Y/N buries her face into a towel and starts sobbing. She doesn't even know what she's crying about, all she knows is that she doesn't stop until Joel comes in and wraps her in his arms.

Her and Joel get into a fight when he tells her that he isn't going to take Ellie to the Fireflies, that he just couldn't do it. It's a true, honest to God fight. She calls him an asshole, he calls her a dumb kid who doesn't know what she's talking about. He tells her that he's scared of how close he's getting with Ellie, of how close he's getting with her. Y/N tells him that just 'cause he's abandoning Ellie that doesn't mean she will. Y/N says that she'll go with Tommy, that she'll make sure she's safe. She tells him not to bother with waiting for her to come back-especially since he's so worried about how close they're getting.

The next day when her, Tommy, and Ellie arrive at the stables, Joel is there waiting for them and the three of them leave on two horses.

That night when they stop, Joel waits for Ellie to fall asleep before he apologizes to Y/N for what he said, for how he acted. She accepts it and when Ellie wakes up in the morning, she finds them fast asleep, curled up next to each other.

On their way to the college, Joel teaches Ellie how to shoot with the rifle. Y/N tells her about how it was before-at least as much of it as she remembers. Joel teaches her about sports, Y/N talks about how different Boston is from where she lived in California with her family. Joel tries to convince Ellie that Texas was far better than California, but the teen isn't convinced. Ellie reads them jokes from her book, making the two adults laugh and groan. Her and Ellie tease Joel the whole time about his dreams of sheep ranches and singing. It's sweet and it gets Y/N's mind off of all the things she was thinking about back in Jackson.

When Joel falls off the horse, Y/N jumps off of hers. His shirt is drenched in crimson and her hands immediately fly to the wound, putting pressure on it. She had known as soon as he had yanked that wood out of him that he was going to bleed out but she-she had just thought that it wasn't going to happen somehow. That somehow, God-willing, this was just going to all workout.

"Joel? Shit..." Ellie is suddenly right behind her, her eyes on the where Y/N's bloodstained hands are putting pressure. The older woman quickly takes her knit cap, pressing it on the wound.

"Don't do this to me, Joel-You can't do this to me." She tells him over and over, tears rolling down her cheeks. Ellie is still calling his name, begging him to get up as Y/N keeps murmuring, "God damn it, don't do this to me, baby."

-

"You need to sleep."

She lays in between Ellie and Joel in that cold little basement. Her eyes watching the fall rise of his chest, making sure he's still there.

"I'm alright, Ellie-Just get some rest." She replies, turning her head for a moment, looking at the kid. She can barely make out her face in the darkness, but Y/N can feel her eyes on her. There's silence for a moment and Y/N hopes that Ellie had finally fallen asleep-

"Did-Did you have kids too?" Ellie questions, her voice quiet as if she doesn't want to wake Joel. Y/N turns her head to look at the ceiling, her hands resting on the blanket covered ground. Her index finger taps against the cold concrete.

"Not when it first happened-I was around your age when it all went to shit." Y/N replies, just as quietly, "There was-I was...once."

"Was it-Was it-?" Ellie doesn't know how to quite say the words as Y/N blinks away any tears that threaten to fall. She doesn't know why she's saying any of this-doesn't know why she doesn't tell Ellie to drop it and go to bed. Joel is so much better at not talking about things, about keeping secrets.

"Yeah. He-I never told him." Y/N voice is just as soft, barely loud enough for Ellie to hear. The words hang heavy in between them and she knows they Ellie is still processing the news when she adds, "Please-Please don't tell him. It'd break his heart."

That night she dreams about what never was-she dreams of Ellie chasing after a little boy that looks just like his father.

-

Her mind is racing when they get captured by David and his people.

Before all this, before Ellie entered her life, she would've done anything to escape-would've fought tooth and nail just to get scot-free, but things have changed. Now she can't do just anything- no, now she has to have a plan, one in which all three of them are okay. So she starts planning-trying to think of what she could possibly do so that Ellie can be safe, so that Joel will safe.

They try to pick the locks, try to unscrew any bolts that might be loose. The window is jammed. Their weapons are gone.

When David starts saying shit with disgusting undertones, Y/N lashes out. She spits and yells at him, calling him every name in the book. She gets beat-her blood splattering on the floor and walls. One of her eyes swells shit after the beating, her lip split. Her chest aches-it hurts when she breathes, making her think that they must've cracked a rib or three. Even then, she makes sure she's in front of Ellie.

And then they see the human ear laying on the floor.

David brings them stew and they both refuse to eat it. Ellie kicks the bowls away and

Y/N tries to rise to her feet, wanting to-needing to protect Ellie, but she can't. The conversation once again takes a turn for the worse, which makes Y/N stomach twist, even more than the cannibalism had.

When Ellie breaks David's finger after his suggestion, Y/N smiles and says quietly, just loud enough for Ellie to hear, "That's my girl."

Yet the pride soon disappears when David and three of his men reappear and once again, Y/N moves to guard Ellie. David opens the cage, shoving the older woman aside in order to pull Ellie away. Y/N quickly gets up, pushing through the pain, yelling at the men to stop, to leave the kid alone, to take her instead. The two slam Y/N into the chain link fence, forcing her to watch as David and the other man force Ellie down onto the butcher's block. The older woman tries to fight back, yelling and screaming, the chain link tearing into her skin.

When Ellie swings the cleaver the man with the beard's neck, Y/N swings her head back, connecting the back of her skull with a man's nose. He cries out in pain as David shoots at Ellie as she escapes. Y/N manages to grab a knife from the injured man, quickly bring it up into his chest before the other man can stop her. One man falls while the other charges at her, slamming her into the wall, making the knife fall from her hands.

But she fights like she's never fought before because she knows that Ellie needs her. She claws at her captors eyes, making him scream out in pain. Then his arm is against her windpipe, cutting off her breathing. She reaches blindly, trying to grab something, anything.

She can smell smoke just as her hand wraps around the blade of the knife. The man puts more of his weight on her neck, spots starting to dot her vision. She grips the knife, the blade digging into her palm as she brings it up and forcing it into the man's head. It makes a sickening sound, an unnerving crunch.

She shoves the body off of her as she gasps for air. She uses the chain link to pull herself up before she limps out of the room.

By the time she leaves the area they were being held in, David is dead and the place is up in flames. Y/N pulls Ellie up and into her arms, hugging her for a second, before telling her they have to go. Their arms are wrapped around each other as they make their way out of the back of the restaurant. The only noise being the sound of their harsh breathing and the fire crackling behind them as it devours the building.

And then suddenly, Joel's there, holding both of them. He presses his lips against Y/N's temple, telling them over and over that he's got them, that they're safe. He calls Ellie babygirl and he calls Y/N sweetheart. Y/N holds onto him and Ellie tightly, never wanting to let go, tears streaming down her cheeks.

-

She's killed for him before, and he's killed for her. It was just apart of their lives, it just happens. If you want to survive, you have to get dirty. But now? Now, there's something behind each kill.

It's so much more feral.

She wears the blood with honor, with a sense of pride. I protected you both, I'm protecting my own. It's the same for him. He mows through people for her, for Ellie, for whatever this little group is. They both do it without a second thought, without any hesitation.

And they destroy that hospital in Salt Lake City together, hunting down every son of a bitch that wanted to hurt their girl. Joel carries Ellie out in his arms, Y/N follows right beside him, her finger not leaving the trigger of her gun until Marlene is dead and both of them get in the car with their girl.

Once again, his hand is on her thigh the whole time.

They lie through the teeth to Ellie. They agree that what she doesn't know, won't hurt her. She's alive, she's with them-that's all that matters. The three of them are still together and that's all that matters.

"You don't have to stay with me, y'know that right?" Joel murmurs to her as they stand next to each other, their eyes on Jackson in the distance. She turns her head to look at him and he meets her gaze.

"What, you tryin' to get rid of me, Joel?" She asks, a small smile appearing on her face. He can't stop the way the corners of his mouth turn upward.

"I would never, darlin'." He replies, smiling back at her. Y/N grins, just as Ellie starts yelling at them to get a room.

In the back of her mind, a little voice tells her that this-their little family, their little life together-that it won't last. She ignores it, shoving it aside as her hand wraps around his, her lips pressing against his scruffy cheek as Ellie makes gagging noises.

[lostinforestbound]

i loved the rolan hair greying post!! poor baby 🥹 it got me thinking about more domestic life with rolan. if i may, may i request a rolan fic where he walks in on tav being insecure with their body and he makes tav feel better? no worries if you don't want to do the request 😊

I'm so glad you loved the Rolan Greying headcannons so much! I absolutely loved doing this request! Exploring domestic life with Rolan was so fun, I hope you enjoy this one! If there's tags I may have missed, please let me know!

Perfection

In their mind, their life is becoming close to perfect. Sow hy do they carry so much resentment towards themselves?

Word Count: 1.1k (AO3 TBA)

Relevant Tags: Body Insecurity, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Death of Companion character

This whole adventure was one giant mess. Battle after battle, it never stopped, and it felt like it could go on for the rest of its days. They strained their body to its limits, a tadpole constantly giving them the worst headaches they've ever experienced, and their injuries have been life-threatening more than once; they're so, so tired.

So when Cal offered that room in the tower in passing after Lorroakan's defeat, they didn't take it too seriously; there was no way they could rest now, not this easily, and they doubted Rolan would let them stay. They wouldn't believe it, they couldn't believe it. Respectfully, they thought Rolan was a prickly bastard, even if at some points they found that cute. They were surprised when the new archmage encouraged the option for them to stick around. They noticed the way Cal and Lia smirked at each other when their brother did so, as if they knew something they both didn't. They didn't pay any mind to it at the time.

But when the brain was finally defeated, that's exactly what they decided to do, their heart longing for a true home after their stressful endeavor. Being able to stay somewhere permanent sounded wonderful. Unusually, they found their home in Rolan, which was a pleasant surprise. At first, it was teasing each other and bickering across the room; at some point, it turned into flirting, stealing glances at each other when they thought the other wasn't looking. Then, after getting tired of dancing around with compliments, they pushed Rolan against the wall and devoured his mouth, which was met with enthusiasm by the pinned tiefling.

Living this domestic life with him and his siblings is incredible, and while their relationship was relatively fresh, they know in their heart they want to live like this for the rest of their days. Waking up next to the handsome tiefling every morning is like a dream, seeing genuine relaxation paint his features as he stays nuzzled in their neck. They'll do their usual routine, running their fingers through his hair to encourage him to wake up, even if he may complain about it with a grumble. They'll share coffee and breakfast with Lia and Cal before they all get to work for the day. Then after a long while, they'll usually meet up again at the tower for dinner, courtesy of Cal loving to cook for them.

In their mind, their life is becoming close to perfect.

So why do they carry so much resentment towards themselves?

Hair still wet and freshly out of the basin, they stand in front of a full-body mirror as they settle in undergarments. They had to pause for a long moment, looking at themselves with a depressing, tired look on their face.

Their body is covered in so many scars from their adventure. Not only are they ugly, but they are a reminder of their failures. Scrapes on their knuckles from their struggle in the Nautiloid, freshly kidnapped. Slices on their arms from shadow creatures and nurses after discovering Arabella's parents, Locke and Komira, dead in the House of Healing. The massive burn on their shoulder from Ketheric's Warhammer, completely shattering the bone within. Cuts where Orin tore into the flesh on their back, where they couldn't save-

They shake their head with a sharp sigh, wishing that their skin was clear of their deformities. The more they stare at themselves in the mirror, the more disfigured they look, and the more insecure they get. How does someone like Rolan, the archmage of Ramazith's tower, find this attractive?

Being so distracted, they don't see Rolan standing by the door in his adorable blue nightwear. They don't see him looking at them with light concern, eyes tracing up and down their body. They don't hear him carefully approach them, not wanting to startle them. But they do feel his hand on their bare back, looking at them through the mirror while standing beside them.

"I was wondering when you were coming to bed. You had me worried! How selfish of you, am I supposed to sleep without you?" He complains lightly in his usual dramatic way.

That does make them laugh, though it is short-lived. Their body is now extremely distracting to them.

Rolan notices their distant look, the glaze that comes over their eyes as they look at the qualities of their skin.

"You look wonderful. You do know this, right?"

"Rolan-"

He holds a hand up to gently interrupt them, eyes soft. "Please, let me finish."

Taking a deep breath, he wraps his arms around them from behind and rests his head on their shoulder before speaking again, "You're lovely. Every part of you I cherish, and I will do so for as long as you let me. You look perfect to me."

They lean back against his chest, eyes closing as they subtly blink away tears.

"And besides, your scars- well-" He coughs, looking away.

At first, they fear that is a bad sound and quickly glance at him through the mirror, but they only see the blush on his face and ears that he fails to hide away.

His nose scrunches up in a way they always found endearing, knowing full well he's embarrassed. "I find them quite attractive."

"Oh, do you now?" They tease, a smile finally returning to their face.

He rolls his eyes. "Please, if I found them unattractive I would be very vocal about it."

They raise a hand and trace an index finger along the edge of his ear. "I know just how vocal you are, Rolan."

"You are a godsdamn tease. Menace!" He exasperates, his skin only getting redder by the second as they laugh.

He's always so easy to tease, and they secretly love his little embarrassed outbursts. It's adorable to them.

With a gentle pull of their hand, they let him lead them to their bed, feeling his tail curl around their thigh as they do. As they settle down, they cuddle close together, and they notice how Rolan's hands trail all over them. His fingers trace everything they thought of as imperfect, especially the scars that they detest. It's not teasing, nor is it sensual like other nights may be.

It's worship.

He pays special attention to the scar on their shoulder, two fingers tracing the edge of it as he speaks up, "Ketheric did this to you?"

"He did."

He gently presses a kiss to it, pulling them closer to his body. "It hurt, I assume."

"It did, but the bastard's dead, so who got the last laugh?"

They both giggle as if on cue, and he starts kissing them all over their face, making them blush.

Maybe their scars can mean something heroic, instead.

[yanxidarlings]

am struggling to find inspiration to write slytherin so here's some nightmare fuel instead 💀 also pls tell me it's not just me the yellow font is gone and i am in despair (gave zs green instead bcos he's pretty much a 🐍)

YANDERE! CORMAC MCLAGGEN VS YANDERE! ZACHARIAS SMITH

• on todays edition of shit no one asked for: the most cursed pair of yanderes. just imagine for a second being stuck with two yanderes, already a situation of itself, but two douchebag yanderes, now that's just comically unlucky.

• cormac and zacharias are pretty much at the bottom of the yandere foodchain — paired up against anyone else and no doubt the other yandere comes out on top, but what if we take other yanderes out of the equation? what if our dear darling / reader doesn't have to deal with groups of snakes and eagles? (cormacias smithlaggen)

• i feel like both cormac and zacharias's obsession would be someone who doesn't have many people around them. because fundamentally neither are smart nor talented enough to come up with an elaborate scheme to trap the darling, the only way to 'get' their darling would be to drag them into a draining and boundless friendship.

• despite being incredibly similar in the way they 'yandere', their biggest difference is how they treat the darling: to zacharias, his darling is the only person who matters in his life, whilst cormac is simply obsessed with the idea of them, whether it be for their looks, intelligence, reputation, they're the person he wants to spend his life with, whether they like it or not.

• whilst their motivations might be different, both are preoccupied with 'keeping' their darling, feelings and emotions be damned. sure, zacharias wants his darling to be happy, but without him? he wants to wipe the smile off their face whenever he see's them with anyone else. they can be miserable, unstable and depressed, he doesn't care and he'll deal with whatever mood swings they throw at him. the one thing he won't deal with is his darling being away from him.

• zacharias might be the 'sweeter' (i use this term loosely) of the two, but that by no means implies he'd be fine with sharing. zach can barely share his darling with themself, and has pretty much attached himself to their hip. he doesn't bother having other close friends or caring about other people, zacharias only needs you and you only need him.

• but what exactly is he going to do when cormac comes onto his darling? the gryffindor just inserts himself into their perfectly content life and acts like their boyfriend, and broke his nose the one time zacharias dared tell him to (looks down) get lost in the forbidden forest and get [redacted] by a centaur-

• cormac? he's worse, he objectifies his darling in every way possible. he might not see exactly see them as an object, but he has trouble taking any of their emotions seriously. you don't want to spend the night with him? sounds like a you problem, love </3. is he happy when they're happy? sure, but does he give a rats arse if they're uncomfortable? mclaggen doesn't even notice.

• despite his less than savoury traits, cormac isn't opposed to sharing, and might even prefer it, as long as he gets his daily darling time, does it really matter if there's another?

• he might even become more tolerable as a yandere sharing, maybe it's the competition being the darlings favourite becomes, or maybe it's just the 'good' influence from watching zacharias bend over backwards to make their darling happy, but he slowly starts to care.

• albeit, still in a himbo, macho way. pricked your finger? cormac happily marches to and from the hospital wing to bring his darling a bandaid. broke a bone? (because cormac didn't catch you in time after throwing you down the stairs) he won't let his dear lift a finger (literally, you tried to get up and he kept pushing you back down).

• one thing they can agree on is that the darling is not allowed any privacy or agency in this relationship, you don't want to kiss? too bad, pucker up love it's time for the 4pm make out session, cormac called first dibs today!. you want to study for the o.w.l's? suck it up, nerd, it's hogsmeade day, zacharias is taking you to the three broomsticks and cormac has a game later that you have to cheer at.

"oh come oon!" zacharias whined as his arm was once again pushed off by m/n, but he did not let up, and once again slung his arm around the others shoulders "how much exposure therapy do i need to put you through, mate" he dragged them along, walking towards the quidditch pitch that was slowly piling up with students, all eagerly waiting for the match to begin.

m/n let out a sigh of relief as zacharias finally removed his arm, instead gripping onto their forearm and guiding them up the stands "we have to get seats at the top, cormac bet me five galleons he could high five me on his broom — there's this new quill at scrivenshafts i'm dying to get"

the match felt like it was never going to end, the screaming of gryffindor and slytherin as each team got a hold of the quaffle was deafening, and his eyes were to stay glued to cormac the entire match, he couldn't gaze at any other player even for a second, especially potter, or else-

"potters got the snitch!"

the sound of lee jordans voice erupted the gryffindor side of the pitch into victorious roars of applause. they knew what came next, it always happened but maybe cormac would be too distracted by his victory to-

"how about a kiss for the star of the match" ah, cormac had already flown over to where they sat "i want my five galleons first!" zacharias pipped up, patting at mclaggens pockets "get off me smith — you can have it tomorrow, i just came here for my kiss" and with that, before m/n could say anything, cormac had grabbed ahold of either side of their face, pulling their lips to his.

• cormac and zacharias don't so much share as they do tolerate each others presence within the darlings life. the bright side is that together, they do stand a chance against another yandere, probably not an intelligent one like anthony goldstein, or a violent one like one of the theo's™, but if the darling were to have also caught to attention of someone like lorenzo berkshire, they probably wouldn't loose custody immediately.

[jung-koook]

that photo jeongguk posted left me so inspired and wanting to share something here about myself with you guys. in 2019 I was feeling very physically tired and a friend told me that by going to the gym I would feel more energetic, but I didn't care much about it. I said "I'm going to wait for a sign telling me to join a gym". and after that jeongguk started posting videos of him at the gym and my friends said that was the sign I was asking for. 😂 I joined the gym but didn't take it seriously and I felt uncomfortable there.

I was always thin but I never thought my body was beautiful. and I felt super uncomfortable with the size of my breasts. especially because of how it got men's attention. A few months before the pandemic I had scheduled surgery to reduce the size of my breasts, but for obvious reasons I didn't have this surgery. when everything went back to "normal" I was too lazy to go through the pre-surgery procedures all over again and left this plan for other time.

at the end of 2022, my therapist said she was pregnant and that she wouldn't be able to see me anymore because of that. I was lost. especially because it's hard to find a good therapist and one that I feel comfortable with. but in 2022 I was a person who was seeing beauty where I used to not even notice. I started to think that being thin wasn't something that suited me and wasn't something that I found beautiful about myself. I started to find fit bodies more beautiful. so as I was lost in 2023 then I decided switched to another gym and start taking this seriously. and after that everything changed in my life. even with depression and having ups and downs, I started to feel happier, I started to feel more comfortable with my body and I started to admire my body. my confidence has completely changed. I started wearing clothes that I want without wanting to hide my body. the size of my breasts also changed to something that was more proportional to my body. It's not something that bothers me anymore. my back is extremely hot now. I even admire myself in the gym mirror sometimes lmaooo😂

I still have a lot to change about myself, especially my relationship with food, but I have to say that no one motivated me about gym more than jeongguk, namjoon and the other members. especially jeongguk for being the one who talks about it the most. in my real life, literally everyone who wanted an opinion on this, even though I never asked for their opinion, said that my body was beautiful that I shouldn't go to the gym because I would look like a man LOL. but I really am someone who doesn't care about anyone's opinion on something as personal as my body. but having jeongguk and namjoon talking about the gym and stuff like that really made me more motivated to keep going to the gym. I look at their bodies and I'm so impressed not only by how hot they are but by their dedication.

I think it's so amazing, I don't know if it's because they're close to my age but bangtan always helps me with something about my life. it's incredible but often they say something that is literally like advice for some situation I'm going through in life,. other times it is something that motivates me, other times it comforts me. it's amazing how they help us without even knowing what we're going through, without even knowing us. when I say they are my best friends it's because of that. I really can't imagine what my life would be like without having bangtan by my side. in a different way that but in such an important and special way. they really impact my life in ways that I can't explain because if I try I'll burst into tears.

thank you bangtan for everything you guys did and do for me without even knowing me ♡🥹

[romeulusroy]

Being Shiv's Twin With Depression Would Include:

Requested: Can I request a Succession headcanon for being Shiv's twin who struggles with depression, please? - anon

A/N: I love these requests cuse I'm a twin and I feel like I have inside knowledge lol like I have cheat codes. Anyways, thank you for requesting my love!!! Hope you like it!!! Feedback is always appreciated!!! 💜💜💜

Shiv is definitely the oldest twin

As the oldest, she takes her duties very seriously. From blowing out the birthday candles first, to reminding you that she's a whole year older for the amount of time it took you to be born, to protecting you from other kids at school when they're being mean

She loves you more than life itself, she would do anything to protect you. As far as Shiv is concerned, she's the only one who can call you names and push you around. Anyone else, even your brothers, are off limits. She's incredibly defensive over you. You could do no wrong, even when you do, it's never your fault

"Y/n hit me!"

"No they didn't!"

"Yes they did!"

"You deserved it then."

When Logan is cruel to you or dismisses you, Shiv is the one you cry to. She's the one who, in a moment of pure insanity, goes to Logan and demands that he be nicer to you. You beg her not to, but it's too late. He laughs in her face, dismissing her as well, but at least she gave it a good shot. She does it more as a reminder that she'd do anything for you, including standing up to him for you

"Don't listen to him, he's a mean old man."

"What if it's true? What if I'm stupid?"

"Are you kidding? You're the smartest person I know."

Your mother still goes on and on about how carrying twins ruined her body. You just share a knowing look, that for the rest of your lives you'll have to hear about what a burden you were before you were even born

You and Shiv are by far the closest siblings. You share everything: a room, secrets, even your own twin-language. You can still sort of speak it now, with a few words, which creeps everyone out. Your father made a rule at the dinner table that a language everyone knows must be spoken because Roman would get upset and Kendall would get annoyed. You don't need words though, just a look can tell you everything

Shiv is the Dandelion child, she can thrive under any circumstances. She doesn't mind the pressures, all the unspoken rules and tension. It doesn't bother her. You, on the other hand, are the Orchid child. You don't thrive in the Roy household. You're anxious and sensitive and when you're at school or with friends or even with your mother you're able to come out of your shell. At home you wilt, and Shiv is the only one who understands this, who sees this and tries her best to fix this

Where Shiv thrives in your teenage years, you start to feel this overwhelming sense of dread, this horrible exhausted, overwhelmed, terrible feeling you don't have a name for. You are riddled with insecurity, with self-doubt and self-criticism. It feels horrible. You feel like you bruise too easily, like everything hurts. You find it hard to get out of bed, to find joy in things, to be yourself. You're not showering or brushing your teeth. You have this overwhelming urge to hurt yourself to find relief. Shiv is the first to notice, but she doesn't know what's wrong or how to fix it

She doesn't have a word for it either. She tries her best to help you, planning weekends so you're not stuck in bed, helping you with deadlines and homework so you don't fall behind, so you don't suffer under your father's wrath. She wants to shake you out of it, hoping it's just a bug or a rut

It's not though and not long after you break down in tears in front of her, scared, exhausted, tired of existing like this, tired of existing at all. She knows she can't go to either parent about this, so she goes to the school guidance counselor and sets up a meeting. When you come out of it, it's the first time you say the word Depression. Neither of you knew anything about mental health. What your father says is mostly jokes or making fun of someone. Whatever Connors mother suffered from, he had her locked away because of it. You make a pact right then and there not to tell Logan. Shiv makes you promise when you feel this way, you talk to her about it. She'll help you figure it out

And you do. Nothing is off limits between you. When you lose your appetite, she's the one who sits with you and makes you eat. She brushes your hair and helps you get dressed. She organizes everything in the bathroom to make it easier to get washed in the morning. It pains her to see you hurting

Neither your father or mother notice anything different and though your brothers suspect something might be up, they know better than to interfere

For years this goes on. You meet with the counselor once a week and talk to Shiv when you feel like you aren't burdening her. Eventually she catches on to these feelings and reminds you often there is nothing you could do to bother her. Nothing

"I love you."

"I love you more."

"Not possible."

"Yes possible."

There are times when you don't feel any kind of depression and other times where it feels suffocating, like you'll never see the end of it. Either way, you know with Shiv by your side, you'll get through it

She worries about you to no end. It's her job as big sister to protect you, protect you from everything. How can she protect you from your own mind? She does lots of research. What it is, how to help, how it's treated, etc.

One you graduate and are out of the house, Shiv not so subtly finds you a real therapist, someone qualified to really help and diagnose you. For her, you go and it's there that you're diagnosed with depression. You're put on medication/s and go every two weeks

She checks in wirh you, seeing how you're doing, how it's going, how you're feeling

It's been under control for a while now, you've never felt better. It lingers of course, but you're finding ways to handle it, to cope

You know if you didn't have Shiv you wouldn't be here today

When your brothers find out years later, far into your adulthood, Shiv makes it known any jokes about it won't be tolerated

"Can I just-"

"If you like where you're intestines are, you'll keep quiet."

"Noted."

Connor feels terrible that you had to go through it alone, but you assure him you weren't alone. You had Shivy. You thank her for everything, every time she calls, every time she texts, every time you talk. She just shrugs it off like its no big deal, but it was, it is

When you're having an especially hard time you know her guest room is always available. Tom becomes used to seeing the two of you in there, asleep or talking. She makes it known that her place is also your place, that you're welcome anytime

"What about you, how are you doing?"

"You know me, I can thrive in any conditions."

"Shivy. . ."

"I know what you mean. I'm okay, really."

You're still as close as ever

You talk about everything, including your marriages, your brothers, Gojo and Matsson and the election. You're always the one who makes her laugh, really laugh and can take her mind off anything

"Where would I be without you?"

"Ohio, probably."

"Shut up!"

Shiv knows a lot about your depression, more so than anyone. She was there when it started and she'll be there til the end. She never judges or doubts you because of it. She knows it makes life a hell of a lot harder. You're doing your best, even when you don't feel like it, even when you feel like you're not. She loves you, you're her twin after all

[sabrondabrainrot]

I forget I can just ramble and rant my thoughts!

I try to focus on sharing just my art but I also do writing and try to have a bit of a critical mind when it comes to media I consume.

Now that it has been a few months since I watched all of TMNT 12 I do have some thoughts and opinions and kind of want to just ramble about it before I forget, in an informal manner.

I at first really liked it, it was the second TMNT show I watched after Rise, now that I've been watching the 87 and 03 shows my opinions on 12 did change just a bit but I still do like it!

Literally all the turtles are my son's now. Especially Leonardo (he's blue coded so-). I just think they're so cute and neat!!!

I'm going to put thoughts to spoiler stuff of 12 so if you plan to watch the show then don't click beyond this point!

🐢💙🐢♥️🐢🧡🐢💜

So in the last season of TMNT 12 it kind of feels like all the scrapped ideas or random plots that couldn't be fit into the prior seasons were put in this one? I really like the new op it gives of Cowboy Bebop vibes. The op song change is really nice to because I never really looked the tmnt 12 op song before.

However, the plots feel all over the place? There's a mini ark where they're jumping through time meeting Halloween monsters and then another ark where Mikey defeats Satan? Then we get another really tiring ark that's this implied alternate madmax fury road parody that is honestly so depressing? Donnie is just dead.

Which btw, the show likes killing ppl off for dramatic effect. They killed Master Splinter three times and had Mikey and Donnie get scattered to atoms on two separate occasions. I should also mention Leo was in a coma for 3 months with no IV or anything and he woke up relatively fine.

Anyways, going into the last season and stuff leading up to it... They kind of ended with the 87 turtles and the 12 boys finding new passion and inspiration from teaching the 87 boys. I didn't really vibe with it because it just made the 87s the butt of the joke and made them out to be incompetent silly little guys.

They ARE silly little guys but the thing is they're not incompetent. The 87 boys have done some insanely incredible things even when unarmed. Especially when unarmed. I actually think the angle of finding a new way to help people as a means to end the series on an inspired note is fine, the 87 boys even carried on the will and told Bebop and Rocksteady they can be more than Shredder's mutant henchmen. It is very cute and wholesome. I just think they could have maybe done it differently?

Why not set up for them to teach Chi arts? The turtles of 87 don't have any mystical abilities and it would have been interesting to do a set up like that? There are ways to write the finale without just dumping on the original source.

Focusing back on the ending of 12, we also leave on a seriously alarming note. It's just a big mixed bag. After Master Splinter went to run on the hamster wheel in the sky, Leonardo was handed the reigns of the family. He was told "You're the teacher now Leonardo. You're the father. Look after your brothers" and Splinter then willingly walked into his own death. I think the writers maybe thought this was amazing and inspirational or something but I found it incredibly messed up? We start tmnt 12 on all 4 boys birthday. Meaning Splinter himself considers them all to be the same age. And since the series was running they haven't on screen celebrated a birthday and from the implied weather changes most of the seasons 1-4 seem to take place over just a year??? We don't get a definitive timeline (or I'm a bad audience and didn't notice).

So one can only assume Master Splinter was telling his...15 year old son to be the father to his other 15 year old children.

Why do I bring this up at all? After Leonardo takes over the family and he KILLS shredder they go into this rushed cult demon resurrection arc that culminates in the classic dead walk the earth and Mikey defeats Satan. In this arc we meet a ghost splinter who does not even go to see his kids, he just helps Casey and April. But throughout and the lead up to this we have moments of Leo having conversations with what we can perceive as Sensei's ghost in the dojo.

But the climax of the arc cements splinters ghost has not once visited his son's.

So Leonardo is quite literally having full on conversations, in the dojo for his brothers to hear, with a hallucination of his dead dad. He's coping this way. His family does nothing about this.

Tmnt 2012 has the worst Splinter. He ignored his son's and chose favorites. He told Leonardo to die (season 1 finale). He calls Mikey dumb and insights the others to do it too. He told Raph his anger makes him exactly like Shredder and never elaborates or teaches him how to better work through his issues. And he straight up calls Donnie useless.

None of that is even an exaggeration. Adding context just makes it worse.

Here's a list:

Do you know the turtles are the equivalent of helicopter raised homeschool boys? They've never stepped foot outside of the lair except at the start of ep 1.

They learn ALL of their lessons from old shows and cartoons. The show writers even sometimes use the cartoons to set up the theme of the episodes!

When Leonardo rescues Mikey he pats him on the head to comfort him.

Literally almost all of their ninja weapons have hidden weapons. I love it I wish I saw more of them using them.

Michelangelo is the family chef because somehow none of the rest have any life skills. Not even Splinter (explains so much).

They all have such cute shape language. I love bean pole Donnie, blocky buff Raph, perfect pear Leo, and round freckled Mikey.

They also now have unique eye colors. I love their eyes. Donnie with his big beautiful brown eyes (sometimes they look red). Raph with his acid green stare into your soul eyes, they look like they would glow like mako eyes in ff7. Mikey with bright blue eyes all big and round. And then Leo with the cunning dark blue eyes!

I just want to pinch their cheeks and kiss their foreheads and give them hugs.

Also, Leo is so affectionate to kids and his brothers??? My heart??? Couldn't take it??? He just randomly hugs them?? He had a tea party??? He wore a pink feather boa? The way he just immediately held baby Miwa??? Too good. Too good. He's such a good big bro.

Raph is also such a soft guy. Like yes he's a Butthead that beats up his brothers and takes every single violent urge out on Leo when he's even minorly inconvenienced but he does learn to do better. He helps Leo a lot and he even is there for the others a lot too.

Raphael also does art and seems to like fine arts.

Raph, like Leo, is a resident baby man. He loved tiny helpless creatures. He had a pet turtle he loved with his entire being and then later on adopted a space alien baby turtle that he also loved with his entire being.

I love Donnie in this, his cute little tooth gap, his gentle demeanor, the fact he'd rather be in the lab than training. I feel bad for him tho cause he clearly wants Splinter and Leo's approval with his inventions and efforts but very rarely gets it (Leo is the only one to really praise him and get what he does). He's also a good team player but he has so much stress and no confidence.

Donnie needs a big ol hug.

Mikey is so cute. But he is so weird. Why did they write girly pop collecting underwear. Why did they have him cannibalize a mutant pizza man? They do the most random things with Mikey. I like that he avidly tries cheering ppl up. He tries so hard for his bros. He's just a sweet little guy. I wish they did more with the baby bro.

Mikey should have kept his lightning powers.

They fight a lot but all the brothers love each other. I think they're just stressed and cooped up too much.

I like drama tho it's juicy when they argue.

I read on the wiki that Donnie is supposed to be canon OCD and Mikey canon ADHD and it makes so much sense in the show.

I really like all their voices. I miss Leo's first voice he was so dorky and sweet. The new voice is all sad and serious. Raph sounds perfect. I like Donnie's voice but instead of him always yelling why not have him do the low angry science rant because that's a good time. I like Mikey's voice he sounds like a high pitched beast boy.

But despite the occasionally baffling writing choices of the show I still like it. It's entertaining in the same way as a telenovela or kdrama. They literally have a plot where one of the turtles falls in love with his secret half sister. Something I've seen in telenovelas and kdramas.

2012 tmnt makes a great dogblooded drama.

I think the CGI art can get pretty bad at times but other times it looks great. The music is pretty good and I really like the voice cast. I actually totally see why so many people like this show but I definitely don't think it's the best one. From what I've seen thus far, I think the 2003 TMNT show might actually be a masterpiece. Better than Avatar the Last Airbender levels of masterpiece (not a competition just giving an example of another show I find monumental).

That's it, that's the rant, thanks for reading!

Btw if any one has any good 12 fic recs pls hand them over. I need 12 hurt comfort, or fem Leo, or transfem Leo, or anything introspective, or just anything with a fun plot. Pls I'm dying here send fics.

Thank you :)

[honeyjars-sims]

OC Deep Dive Questionnaire

Thanks for tagging me @lynzishell!

Since you did 2 characters I will as well. I wanted to do Johnny of course but he is sadly single 🥺 So I picked Paul for the 2nd character.

Johnny Ayers

-what common/uncommon fear do they have?

I don't really have a fear of heights exactly but I do get a little nervous. Oh, and there's this one doll my sister used to have that haunts my dreams. It had soulless eyes.

-do they have any pet peeves?

I hate it when people talk to their kids like they're too stupid to understand things or explaining something to them isn't worth their time.

-what are 3 items you can find in their bedroom?

There's a lot of junk in there but my 3 favorites are my notebooks (for journaling and drawing), my gaming computer, and my stuffed cat Jinkies.

-what do they notice first in a person?

How serious they are. If I can't get a laugh pretty easily, we're probably not gonna get along.

-on a scale of 1-10, how high is their pain tolerance?

I'd say it's around an 8. I just got my first tattoo and I barely flinched. I can't wait to get more!

-do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure?

Flight for sure. When things get too tough, I try to remove myself from the situation as quick as possible.

-do they come from a big family/are they a family person?

That's a loaded question! My parents split before I was born. I have 4 sisters that I'm pretty close to. I don't talk to my mom but I get along with my father and his husband, who is more of a parent to me than my mom ever has been. He's not my stepdad, he's just my dad. So I guess I'm a family person to the ones who treat me with respect.

-what animal represents them best?

Maybe a dog because they like getting attention and affection. Probably some sort of lap dog!

-what is a smell that they dislike?

I hate strong colognes and perfumes especially if the scent seems artificial.

-have they broken any bones? if so, how?

I've had a few small fractures that healed on their own. I don't really want to talk about it, though.

-how would a stranger likely describe them?

They'd probably say I'm talkative and joke around a lot. People sometimes think I don't take things seriously when they first meet me.

-are they a night owl or a morning bird?

I'm a night owl thanks to insomnia. I don't like being up too late, though, because I get lonely when everyone else goes to bed.

-what is a flavor they hate and a flavor they love?

I hate cauliflower, it tastes like mush! My favorite food is mac and cheese. I like anything cheesy, really.

-do they have any hobbies?

I love video games so that's a big one. I write a lot. I started keeping a journal when I started therapy but I also like to write down random thoughts that I find amusing. I haven't really done anything with them but maybe they'll be useful one day.

-boom, surprise birthday party! how do they react to surprises?

It depends on who's there. If it's people I'm close to then I'm totally down for being the center of attention but there are some people I'd rather not see unexpectedly.

-do they like to wear jewelry? if so, what is their favorite piece?

I wear jewelry but nothing fancy. Just some piercings, necklaces, and bracelets that I think look cool. I like finding handmade stuff. I have a few ear piercings and I got my septum pierced recently.

-do they have neat or messy handwriting?

It depends. If I'm doing something artsy I can experiment with my handwriting in cool ways but taking notes? Good luck reading that later!

-what are two emotions they feel the most?

Just two? Damn. I'd say longing and regret. Wow, that sounds kind of depressing!

-do they have a favorite fabric?

I like things with interesting textures as long as it's not too scratchy.

-what kind of accent do they have?

I think it's kind of neutral but I'm good at mimicking accents and voices. Sometimes I do it without even realizing it if I spend a lot of time with someone.

Paul DiMarco

-what common/uncommon fear do they have?

I don't really have many fears, but sometimes when I'm reading about weird diseases I start thinking about what would happen if I or one of my loved ones got it.

-do they have any pet peeves?

It really bugs me when people don't return their shopping carts. It's not that hard to walk a few feet and put it away!

-what are 3 items you can find in their bedroom?

Plants because I like to garden, nonfiction books because I like to learn new things, and hiking boots because I like to be active outdoors.

-what do they notice first in a person?

I notice people's smiles first. I'm generally a happy person and I like to see others happy, too.

-on a scale of 1-10, how high is their pain tolerance?

Maybe a 6 or 7? I'm good at pushing past discomfort when I'm doing something strenuous like climbing, but I don't tolerate sudden injuries quite as well.

-do they go into fight or flight mode when under pressure?

Usually fight. I go into action mode when a crises hits and start thinking about how I'll tackle the problem.

-do they come from a big family/are they a family person?

Definitely! I have 4 siblings, 3 niblings, and we all get along great. Family is very important to me!

-what animal represents them best?

I'll go for a labrador because they're good companions and they like to explore.

-what is a smell that they dislike?

I hate the smell of gasoline.

-have they broken any bones? if so, how?

Surprisingly I haven't, though I'm pretty active. I've come close a couple of times, though!

-how would a stranger likely describe them?

Most people would say I'm friendly and curious.

-are they a night owl or a morning bird?

I'm a morning bird. I like to have a little time to myself before the rest of the world wakes up to prepare for my day. I do enjoy sleeping in on those lazy days when I don't have anywhere to be, though.

-what is a flavor they hate and a flavor they love?

I'm not picky, but I don't like flavors that are too bland. As for favorites, I don't think I could pick just one! I like trying new cuisines and experimenting with flavor combinations. If I had to pick, I'd go with my mom's homemade tomato sauce. Nothing else compares.

-do they have any hobbies?

I like to garden, though I don't have much space in my apartment. I'd love to have a big garden someday and have lots of fresh fruits and veggies to cook with. I'm pretty active and I love the outdoors. Hiking, rock climbing...anything that gets me moving and allows me to explore.

-boom, surprise birthday party! how do they react to surprises?

I would appreciate the gesture, but hopefully I would be in the mood to party!

-do they like to wear jewelry? if so, what is their favorite piece?

I don't really wear jewelry. I've seen some beautiful pieces, but it's not very practical for my lifestyle.

-do they have neat or messy handwriting?

As a future doctor, I've been practicing my indecipherable handwriting for years!

-what are two emotions they feel the most?

That's a good question because sometimes I tend to suppress my emotions.

-do they have a favorite fabric?

I like silk and anything that feels nice on my skin.

-what kind of accent do they have?

I'm from Tartosa, so I have the local accent. Although people in Tartosa say I'm losing it a bit.

I'll tag @weirdosalike, @morningglory-sims, @beachyserasims, @zosa95, and @kelsey-sims if you'd like to play along!

[ghostlyauroras]

I have a lot to get off my chest. I see a lot of criticism for the way Taylor sings about mental health and that is valid, but comparing Taylor's experience with depression to D*mi Lov*to's with bpd only to illustrate how much more valid her experience was because she suffered publicly while invalidating Taylor's because she's good at putting up this peppy upbeat front to hide her pain so she couldn't possibly have a real mental illness is exactly WHY taylor has this negative mindset about it in the first place.

Mental illness is not a competition. It is experienced differently by different people.

Some celebrities are celebrated and lauded as brave for overcoming it, usually they already had an image of being tortured in some way (drugs, EDs, anger issues, etc) so when they come out and admit they're mentally ill it's almost like 'oh that explains everything, it all makes total sense now' and is met with sympathy.

Taylor knows, whether conscious or unconsciously, that she does not fit that description. She is either cold and calculated or too perfectly rich, blonde and skinny to have experienced real suffering.

So the album opens with this line: "i was supposed to be sent away but they forgot to come and get me" she was begging for help but nobody gave it the urgency it required because they thought she'd power through it. "I was a functioning alcoholic till nobody noticed my new aesthetic" she is admitting she has a problem with substance abuse but everyone thinks it's just her glamorous lifestyle. Later when she says "i took the miracle move on drug, the effects were temporary" lacking real treatment and therapy, she treated her depression getting a rebound relationship to run away from her pain.

Then in who's afraid of little old me right before the infamous asylum line she says "i wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me" she is begging the world to take her pain seriously..

But how could she be taken seriously? She smiles even when she wants to die, she cries a lot but she is so productive, she is a real tough kid and she can handle her shit... except she can't, she just wants to be seen and understood! But she's been trained all her life (in the asylum where she was raised) to put down her pain and put on a show for the world, so who would believe her now when she says, actually i struggle with the same demons other famous people do?

So now she feels she has to exaggerate and catastrophize and even demonize her struggle to get across just how bad her depression was, because even when she says outright that she wanted to die everyone is rolling their eyes that she could feel that way about a shitty dude. So how else is she going to capture your attention? How can she make you really SEE her and her pain?

Also, as someone who also has struggled with depression since I was a teenager... it's fucking scary to realize you are actually mentally ill. All the stigma is there for a reason, historically some of the treatments have been the stuff of nightmares and conflated with the fatalistic world-view that is inherent to depression, you do feel like a monster, abnormal, broken, etc. and you are scared of how people will treat you for it and you are scared you cannot be fixed and it feels like the end of the world.

Mental illness warps your perception of the world. It's extremely hard to be objective, much less kind, to yourself and your struggle when you are in the thick of it.

So, imho, i don't feel like Taylor's choice of metaphors/language is perpetuating stigmatization of mental illness - it is a representation of the internalized stigma, of the self-hatred and helplessness and guilt and self-flagelation that come with mental illness but at the same time it's also a cry for help! She wants to make depression sound as terryfing as it feels for her so that you will SEE her and HELP her.

To put it simply: I just feel like you can't ask a depressed and even suicidal person to have a compassionate take on mental health - they need others to show them compassion so they can heal and be nice to themselves.

She is not a mental health professional, she is not here to teach us how to handle mental health, she is NOT a role model. She is just another depressed and suicidal person expressing her pain in hopes someone understands her. Be gentle with her.

Again, mental health is not a competition, different people experience it differently.

[maya-matlin]

What common Degrassi takes do you most disagree with, ie Zig being cocky and smooth, etc!

1.) Obviously, that one LOL. If someone legitimately tries to argue that Zig "I'm terrible at pretty much everything" "But is it good enough for you?" Novak is confident.. they're objectively wrong. They're getting stuck on him looking the part of the confident, bad boy and ignoring half of what comes out of his mouth.

2.) Darcy isn't irredeemable or a bad person because she falsely accused Snake of being inappropriate with her. She was a scared, traumatized child who panicked because she was thrown into a situation where she would be forced to talk about her rape before she was ready. Snake handled all of that completely wrong, even though he meant well. It didn't come from a heartless, malicious place. She immediately tried to take it all back and openly supported his return to the school. His career wasn't ruined. He eventually became the principal. I genuinely don't understand where people's compassion is when it comes to this story line. Darcy wasn't the ideal victim. She was never supposed to be.

3.) None of the canonically lesbian characters should have been bisexual. Based on what we saw from each one introduced to us with the assumption that they were straight (Alex, Fiona, Zoe), their eventual coming out journeys made sense. Could they have been written with more care with an actual explanation as to how they came to identify this way? Absolutely. But I feel like the Degrassi fandom constantly invalidates their sexualities, especially with Zoe, because they're upset they no longer get to justify shipping them with men.

4.) Don't kill me, but Eli calling Clare a whore wasn't out of character. It was cruel and he had zero excuse, but based on the number of times Eli lashed out at Clare and other people, it makes total sense that he'd say the worst possible thing he could think to say under the mistaken impression that he'd been wronged. He was hurt and angry, and he wanted her to feel bad. He behaved in a similar way after their first breakup.

5.) Jimmy wasn't the perfect boyfriend. In fact, Jimmy never gets enough shit for being so passive aggressive in relationships, particularly when he's ready to end it and emotionally invested in another girl. But because he's cowardly, something we saw pretty consistently over the years, he waits for his girlfriends to notice so that he doesn't have to be the bad guy and can play innocent. Overall, there are little things about Jimmy that bug me, such as calling Ashley a slut. And on that note, this fandom is way too comfortable openly enjoying slut shaming when they feel like the character is unlikable or irritating enough to "deserve it" (Clare and Ashley).

6.) Obligatory reminder that Zig didn't murder Cam due to his depression leading to his suicide and multiple things over the course of a couple of days playing a role in the headspace Cam was in when he ended his life

7.) Liberty was completely fucked over during her pregnancy arc. Excuse me. JT's pregnancy arc. It was blatantly racist how the show chose to be revolutionary by focusing on the black pregnant girl's white boyfriend for the entirety of her pregnancy. Liberty was the villain in her own story line because the writers really wanted us to understand how much pressure JT was under due to expecting a child, worrying about finances, his life changing drastically, etc. Things must have been rough for Liberty as well, but meh. She's just a bitter, controlling, bitch who never deserved JT. Seriously, I see that take a lot. In my opinion, they both could have handled things better, but neither was getting the help or support they needed. Liberty seemed to be in denial and couldn't cope with the fact she'd allowed herself to become pregnant due to carelessness when she's supposed to be so responsible. A lot must have been going on with her, both mentally and emotionally, but we never hear about it or see any of it.

8.) Clare and Drew were actually a good (no, great) ship. Many fans just weren't prepared or happy to see either with someone else due to the popularity of the Eli/Clare and Drew/Bianca relationships. It also wasn't random, out of character, or even all that forced based on how their characters had grown through the years. It's funny to see Clare described as being not Drew's type when he's pretty consistently into smart, ambitious women who can put him in his place. And in the case of Clare, her preferences are all over the place with Drew not being all that different physically or personality wise from KC or Jake. Their emotional connection grew and deepened for almost the entirety of season 13, including the summer between school years and for the majority of their senior year. Even though their decision to sleep together was impulsive and surprising, in reality they'd been circling each other for months. It was bound to happen, and then it did.

9.) Another thing I disagree with is that Maya should have talked about Cam more or told ___ about his suicide. It was very obvious to me that Maya was extremely triggered by Cam's death and struggled to move past it. It makes perfect sense that she'd struggle to even talk about it. It was extremely painful and personal to Maya. Miles was never going to be the one she opened up to. He just wasn't. This isn't even necessarily a pro Zaya thing. But the fact Zig was around for Cam's death and understood most of Maya's pain meant that Maya opening up to Zig about the way she was feeling and acknowledging her ex's existence was far more likely than Maya opening up to Miles, someone she struggled to open up to emotionally or relate to beyond what he was willing to share. At a certain point, it starts to feel like Maya bringing up Cam for the sake of bringing up Cam. Not because it's actually helping Maya or moving her story forward in any way.

10.) Tristan's biphobia towards Miles didn't happen in a vacuum. While Tristan's character was extremely flawed and he wasn't always the most likable person, it honestly came across to me that his biphobia got so out of control because it took the writers a long time to catch on to the fact that Tristan invalidating his boyfriend's sexual orientation was inappropriate, dehumanizing, and shouldn't have been written off as catty comments not meant to be taken seriously. Degrassi overall didn't handle polysexual identities very well. Paige's attraction to women was downplayed aside from her relationship with Alex. Imogen was also never labeled, eventually being referred to multiple times during her final season as a lesbian.

11.) Lola got the right endgame, and she definitely shouldn't have kept Miles's baby.

[freakywizard]

hiii r&m anon here again!!! i noticed you mentioned liking season 7, so i was wondering if you had any favorite or least favourite episodes, plotlines, all that jazz. season 7 debrief, if you will. would love to hear your thoughts!

ram anon gracing my inbox once again (always a pleasure)

huge rant below the cut (talking about rick and morty triggers the longwinded newspaper art critic in me sorry)

s7e2 and e4 were the best episodes in my opinion. absurd, darkly funny, overall just so perfect. i was especially excited about s7e2 since the rick/jerry dynamic has intrigued me since episode s3e5. i love that that episode basically just confirmed Rick and Jerry may be foils but are also perfect complements? they can only understand / appreciate each other when they are literally existing in each other's flesh? i try not to wax poetic about ram but this episode was tempting meeeee

and re: e4, i think this show's writing is at its best when the writers come up with a stupid concept and treat it seriously. i love that this episode saw the concept of 'what if corpse spaghetti' through to the end. classic dark comedy, absurd, wacky goodness. lovee it

one thing i do hate about this season (as well as seasons 5 and 6) is the number of callbacks to 'old' rick and morty. s7e3 and s7e8 were some of the worst episodes this season, mostly because they just reused old plotlines and developed them in the least interesting ways possible, imo. did the mid gag from s3e5 really need its own episode? it really did not. i think that this is one of the worst consequences of the show becoming less episodic and more serialized - the writers just endlessly milk the early seasons to recycle into plotlines, one-off gags, whatever. the self-referentiality and meta humor of newer seasons will always, always grind my gears severely.

also, s7e7 was almost unwatchable. it reminded me of s6e2 in all the worst ways - just dedicating an entire episode to a SINGLE movie reference, doubling down on the singular reference as the episode drags on. god that episode sucked. so boring, annoying, unfunny.

i have extremely mixed feelings on s7e5. On the one hand, I'm still annoyed that the backstory from s3e1 is even canon, and Rick is yet another entry in the long tradition of flawed male protagonists turned into a nihilistic depressed shitshow by the death of a wife. it's such a pat trope, imo.

HOWEVER, i really like how this episode developed Rick. I'll always be a fan of ruthlessness and revenge plotlines, so im biased. but i've come to appreciate Rick Prime as a villain, as a testament to how much Rick hates himself -- there's a version of himself out there that would torture himself across the universe by killing off his own loved ones, just to try to prove his own superiority? it's all very mindfucky but im super into it. Rick C137 killing Prime with his fists, all while Prime goads him? it was such a cool scene. i love when the show does selfcest

i also still have mixed feelings on the evil morty and his growing prominence in the series. it was nice when he was just a little treat, but it became clear in s4 the writers were aware of fan expectations for the character. i can't help but wonder if that's shaped the way they're writing him, especially giving him the centralized role in the story of possible-future-final-antagonist? that being said i've always liked evil morty, he's a fun character to watch on screen. although i'm extremely cautious of my enjoyment. he's already starting to feel like a fanfic rip-off of himself a little bit (that one line where he said 'well, they don't call me good morty' was so bizarre. evil morty was the fandom name for him, and the writers adopted it and made it a diegetic epithet for the character???????)

s7e10 was refreshing after a long season of Morty getting sidelined. I love how this one starts with a classic rick and morty set-up (what if *weird thing* in *random place*) but turns it into existential horror? really cool. i don't think it was the most subtle way to do morty character development, but it was interesting enough that i was invested. also, rick pinning morty's picture to the pinboard. so good

overall my reaction to this season is 'we're so back.' it was LEAGUES better than s5-6, which i think are like the ram dark ages. i don't think s7 was the best season yet (as some are suggesting) but I think that this season marks a positive turn for the quality of writing in the show.!!

here's my episode ranking in ( i mostly did this for fun)

E2

E5

E4

E10

E6

E1

E3

E9

E7

E8

Basically, e7 and e8 were irredeemably terrible. e9, e3, and e1 were mid/fine. e6, e10, e4, e5, and e2 were all varying degrees of peak rick and morty.

other mics. thoughts:

i felt like there was a lot of long, no dialogue, sad music montages that felt like references to the famous scene from s4e8? the one from s7e4 comes to mind immediately. but there were another few sprinkled in

s7e3 rick telling a scientologist "worship how you want" ??? he would not say that. who let that slide in the writing room?

the fight scenes and gore were all really well animated!! since s3 the animation has only gotten better and i love the gore

i actually love the new VAs. they're different from roiland, obviously, but i honestly think they're both doing a better job. the performances are more naturalistic, and less grating? i thought the change would weird me out, but it's subtle, and i like it

Rick canonically bad at eating pussy in his youth

[dragonflight203]

Mass Effect 1 replay, wrapping up Armstrong Nebula:

Gagarin

-Junthor - It has the remains of the colony of an ancient space faring race. Another victim of the Reapers?

-Antirumgun - Interesting description. Pirates come to "trade slaves and stories". That's some jovial alliteration for dark scene setting.

-Some also drill through the ice crust to recover the world's natural alcohol. That's some of the most realistic world building Mass Effect has provided yet.

-Pressha - So Turians do have admirals. I think this might be the only time they're mentioned. Does the Alliance have Generals hidden away somewhere?

-Rayingri - Two planets orbiting each other will result in their mutual destruction in a few hundred years. The Asari are already selling tickets. Good way to highlight how different the Asari lifespan is from humanity's.

Also, whoever wrote the descriptions for this cluster was having fun.

-This is the second planet in the Armstrong Nebula where Geth have killed people who were nearby. Given how huge the galaxy is, how did there just happen to be people in the vicinity of the Geth twice on these four random worlds?

-Well, this is a change of pace. There's an actual base and its surrounded by Dragon's Teeth. Empty - where did the husks go?

(The base, obviously. But how did they get in? Why drag them out, kill them on the Teeth, then put them back inside?)

-Bit foreboding that there are so many weapons and storage lockers, and all but two are presumably empty (since you can only open two)

-Aaaand there are the husks.

-And Geth on the way out. Where were you earlier?

-The Geth outside were the easiest to take out... Thank you, Mako.

Grissom

-Grissom Cluster, Grissom Academy... I'm noticing a pattern here.

-Notanban - So the bioluminescent life that developed forever flees the sun. Until I started writing these notes I did not realize just how much of Mass Effect world building is depressing.

-Solcrum - But there's beauty, too. The sun is gorgeous from this moon. The constant swirling is mesmerizing.

-The Geth coding language isn't known to the Citadel races. So they've developed their own since the Morning War. Why? Deliberately so the Citadel races couldn't monitor them, or was their original language just insufficient as they became more advanced?

-This is the first time I've heard strange noises on Solcrum. According to Google, others have as well. The wiki doesn't mention them, oddly enough.

What are they? The Geth?

-Why do I have to get close to survey Uranium? I feel this violates safety regulations, even if the suit is space proof.

-Descriptions keep labeling ancient artifacts as worthless. Liara is right there. Are you seriously telling me this archeologist isn't carefully recording all these old artifacts we come across?

-Those sounds have to be related the Geth. I also heard them when I entered the base.

-How does Liara keep dying when she has decent armor and barrier? Tali has neither and survives just fine.

- Tali is the one that decrypted the console with the Geth data and makes no comment about it.

It's odd she doesn't. Both Wrex and Garrus have extra dialogue for their loyalty missions.

-It would have been interesting if taking Tali with you on this option means she always makes a copy of the data for herself. Whether you freely offer it or not to her later only would only have impacted your relationship with her.

-Is the Quarian music related to the sounds somehow? Is that what Quarian music sounds like?

-I still want to know more about that Quarian song that plays when the last Geth fall. Why did the heretics use that for their communication, of all things? We've already established they have their own language that the Citadel races don't know.

-On that note, is the Geth language mentioned here the same for the Geth and the heretics? Would have added some flavor if the heretics had created their own.

It sure would have been nice if we could have asked Legion about any of this.

Squad

-Tali's loyalty mission is so odd. It's five parts long, it's not recorded in the journal as for her until you find the Geth Data in the fifth part, and it's very easily missable if you go to the world map instead of talking to Tali immediately. Again, why is this so different from Garrus's and Wrex's?

-Also, after all this work it should have made an actual difference in ME2 and ME3.

-If you go renegade, Tali comes across as very weary. She fully expects the Alliance to refuse to help the Migrant fleet, and recognizes this is just Shepard placing humanity first. She just wishes it wasn't at the Quarian's expense.

Considering she later supports the Quarians going to war with the Geth because she won't not help her own people... At least she's consistent.

Tali and Ashley are both similar in that regard: They expect people to always prioritize their own species and don't hold it against them on a personal level. They just keep it in mind when planning. Tali just has much better tact.

Also, she still sticks around to help stop Saren, so points to Tali for seeing the big picture.

-This is another example of where Shepard's loyalty being to the Alliance is considered renegade. I do think this is intentional; it occurs too frequently not to be. I'm very curious what the original plans for this theme were.

-The neutral option is to give Tali the data.

-Hmm. If you go paragon when discussing giving Tali the data, you say she needs it to destroy the enemy. If you go neutral, you tell her its encrypted. Interesting dichotomy there.

Is the paragon option supposed to be some kind of criticism? It doesn't come off as such.

[thecoolerliauditore]

hater hour 👍

i feel like... maybe this is just me but ive been noticing this weird kind of disturbing trend of people being way overprotective of the CCs whilst increasingly aggressive towards their fellow fandom artists/writers.

We all love gem on here. i think it'd be preaching to the choir to say she didn't deserve the hate she got for. Existing in the series or whatever people were mad about. but more and more people seem to think that any negativity is Bad and Affects The CCs and when they list examples it's all like. idk. ppl not liking the SL mechanic or the watcher lore or certain gimmicks (zombie apocalypse comes to mind) etc etc

while we are not owed any level of quality for entertainment getting put out by mcyters For Free, this is still a series that means a lot to me and most of the fandom take it seriously. so it can be disappointing when it feels like decisions are made for the sake of rushing things or forcing something specific to happen. Limlife is my least favourite season by a pretty long margin because i think it was pretty apparent the cast were very burnt out during it and I would like for them to make the series at their own pace instead of doing that. I still loved limlife and think it's super funny i just think it was weighed down by a lot of things.

when secret life came to close i loved the ending but the fandom space. scared me a little and it still does kind of reek ngl. i saw blocks of text telling people to shut the fuck up about their favourite pairings or characters because How Dare they not appreciate every other person just as much Alot. and now im seeing people say we should "know our place" as fans and never voice our "entitled" discontent because the poor CCs are just doing this for fun. as someone who tries to dig deep on every individual character and relationship it just all felt a little bit. Violent.

This + ive been seeing a lot more people recently who are like. very very mad about the way people draw the CCs?? i know i do my fair share of hating on hybrid designs and being the fun police but like. people are genuinely out here accusing others of being Evil for not drawing specific body types to match characters to CCs while in the same breath saying that character/CC divide is obvious. +people being mad about like. arghh ear wings are dumb!! everyone who draws [specific headcanon] should be melted into wax!! so on and so forth

can we please stop assuming that tumblr user 69 saying lmao watcher lore dumb is going to give martyn inthelittlewood depression irl and start thinking about the mental health of more inexperienced artists who straight up Don't Know how to draw certain features yet that they're the scum of the earth for it in a space that's supposed to be fun.

if you're asking for people critiquing the series itself (one of the most popular mcyt series as a whole right now) to do it more gently and politely the least we can do is ask the same etiquette for talking about fanwork pls. that's also yknow. made for fun and shared for free 👍

[magnuficent76]

For Baltazar: Self, Social Circle, Exit and Future!

COMIN RIGHT UP !!! Ough I love this dude the Ball

[Prompt list can be found here !!]

Self – How is your OC's relationship with themself? Does your OC like who they are? Is there anything about themself that they would change?

◆ Baltazar and Good Self Image are NOT words that go together. This man has beem having every type of dysphoria / dysmorphia you can name for three million years, and there's nothing he can really do about it considering to makenit get better he would have to... yk. Actually Accept Himself. Which is hard. They struggle a lot with assigning themselves any worth that isn't just purely practical for everyone else, and while they do work on it... yeah, they aren't what you'd call a fan of what they see in a mirror half the time. If there had to be changes... he'd probably try really hard to make himself normal again, but there's just no way to actually achieve that <3

Social Circle – What's your OC's social circle? Are they obligated to spend time with others in their circle, or are they happy to be there? Has their social standing and social circle ever changed, and if so, how did your OC feel about it?

◆ Oh people get plenty worried if they don't see Balt around anywhere ! They're the Local Depressed Guy !! Everyone gets worried if the Local Depressed Guy is missing for A Little Too Long.

◆ Nah but seriously, Baltazar has a good support system. His friend group is mostly people his age or older, so they understand a lot of his struggles and try not to make him feel left out. What they do is basically parallel play for Adults in the sense that they're all in the same space at once while they each do their own thing– Yoga, drawing, cooking, whatever they're doing at the moment, they prefer doing it with the rest of their buddies :]

◇ ...before that though, most of Baltazar's friends were just the other sportspeople from work. They didn't actually know each other much, they were just kinda acquaintances that enabled each other's issues in appropriate "party" ways. Was better than being alone, I suppose !

Exit – Has your OC ever had someone important leave their life in a way that was unremarkable, unintentional, or clumsy? How do they feel about it? Is there any chance they'll meet again?

◆ This literally happens everytime they met up with Luis again. These two have been having the messiest relationship since the begining of time, and instead of trying to talk it through like adults, they either prefer to tough it out and fight, or just run away from each other like the plague. The very last time they met though, Luis yelled a bunch of very mean things until they eventually came to an agreement, and then disappeared off the entire dimension for 500 years. Mature style ♡ These two R Normal [lie]

Future – Is there anyone your OC is looking forward to meeting or to seeing again? Who? What might that meeting or reunion look like?

◆ Hmmm... I don't actually know how to answer that to be honest ! Baltazar is usually just grateful to get through each day, with the future just being this kind of hazy thing they don't really count on [Depression tendencies], but if they had to pick... it'd be nice to see some of their old highschool friends again, catch up on everything, especially since they moved out their hometown without much notice... it'd be good to apologize.

TYSM FOR THE ASKK <333

[stargazer-sims]

15 OC Questions!

I was tagged so many times for this, and I love it! This one is for @bl-sims-anime - thank you!

Yuri Okamoto-Nelson

Are you named after anyone?

No, I'm not named after anyone.

When was the last time you cried?

Not that long ago, actually. It's unusual for me, because I'm not generally prone to crying, but I've been very ill recently and I was in a lot of pain. I don't remember exactly when I might've been crying, or how often. The last week or so has passed in somewhat of a haze for me, but I do recall that I cried more than once during that time.

Do you have kids?

I don't actually like children. They're messy and demanding and selfish. Victor and I don't have any, and we're not planning to. If I'm being perfectly honest, I don't really want to share his affection with anyone, and I don't think he wants to share mine, either.

Do you use sarcasm?

Hmm... sometimes, yes. Victor would probably say I use it more often than I think I do.

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

I realize how awful this is going to sound, but the first thing I notice about people is how they present themselves; how they're dressed, how their hair is styled... things like that. I've learned not to make snap judgments about people's personality and character based on their appearance, but even so, I can't stop noticing.

What’s your eye colour?

My eyes are dark brown.

Scary movies or happy endings?

Happy endings, please! I don't like anything scary or violent. My favourite films are historical dramas, with bonus points for romance and beautiful outfits. The endings don't even have to be happy, necessarily, just as long as it's not tragedy, mayhem and carnage. Victor doesn't really like historical romances, but I think he watches them with me as an excuse to cuddle, and I'm certainly not complaining. My happy place is lying in his arms and enjoying some sweeping historical tale of romance and intrigue.

Any special talents?

I don't think I have any talents that are particularly special. I'm painfully average.

Where were you born?

Mt. Komorebi.

What are your hobbies?

Probably the one I'm most noted for is playing the violin. I love music, and I've been obsessed with the violin ever since I was a young child and would watch and listen as my mother played. Mama taught me a few things, but I officially started violin lessons when I was five, and I think I was sold on it for life, almost immediately. My other hobbies include playing video games, reading, and writing.

Have you any pets?

Yes. Victor and I have two dogs. We have a Pomeranian named Sango and a chihuahua called Rosie.

What sports do you play/have played?

My favourite sport is snowboarding. I also like to ski, and Victor has taught me how to swim, which I also really enjoy. Back in the summer, when I was feeling much better than I currently do, Victor and I decided to try rock climbing, which I liked but can't imagine myself having the stamina to do seriously. I'm not certain if yoga qualifies as a sport, but I like doing that Oh... and Victor has created a low-impact exercise routine for me that I can do even when I'm not feeling one hundred percent, so we can work out together.

How tall are you?

165cm

Favourite subject in school?

My favourite subjects were Language Studies and Communications.

Dream job?

This is a difficult one. I've never really had a dream anything until recently. Before I met Victor, I think the only real dream I had was to find someone who'd love me unconditionally and help me out of the slump of depression and lack of self-worth that I was living in. I didn't really think about education beyond high school, or having a dream career, or a dream destination or anything like that. All I was focusing on was survival, physically, mentally and emotionally.

It's only been very recently that I've started thinking about my future and the goals I might like to set for myself. At the moment, I work for a PR and communications firm, FutureBright Communications. I really like my job and I'm good at it. I've been given more and more responsibility since I started, and I've gotten some important clients lately. I think I'd like to stay working in communications, and perhaps start my own little firm some day.

______

I'm not going to tag anyone this time, as I've tagged numerous people already and I can't recall who. Anyone who sees this and wants to do one, feel free! You can even say I tagged you. =)

[hartshorn-and-isinglass]

(I see we're toeing a line again, Marve...)

I'm sitting in a front-row seat of the old auditorium, staring at an empty stage dimly lit by a single shaft of light coming through one of the back doors. I hear footfalls as someone makes their way down the rows.

"Is this seat taken?"

It's not the Muse. Not the current one, anyway.

"Wait a minute. What the hell are you doing here?"

They shrug. "Hey, it's your brain. You tell me." They look around. "I haven't seen this part of your head before. How come you never invited me up here?"

"I didn't even know I had an entire-ass auditorium in my head until recently. There's a lot of things I'm discovering about my mind these days. I mean, I didn't even know you were still in my head. But I guess none of you ever really leave, do you."

"Yeah, we're all still here. I've met the other Muses in the break room next to your hippocampus." They slide into the seat next to me. "Seriously though. You look like you've been having a bad day. Do you wanna talk about it?"

My voice cracks. "I'm fine."

"Marve." They put an arm around me. "If I'm here, it's probably because things are not fine."

Hot tears well up in my eyes. I try to laugh it off, but immediately realize the absurdity of trying to conceal my feelings when I'm literally sitting inside my own head next to the manifestation of some aspect of my personality.

"Yeah... okay. I'm not fine. There's a whole bunch of emotional baggage that I've apparently been holding onto since I was in high school, just a mess of weird perfectionism and impostor syndrome and depression and loneliness. That would be why you're here; my brain isn't exactly subtle about like, symbolism and shit."

I lean against them. "You were seriously one of the few good things about my teenage years, you know that, right? I looked up to you because you were like, this absolute fuckin' weirdo who I could relate to and who was also successful." I feel their shoulders heave with a barely suppressed chuckle. "No seriously," I continue. "You gave me hope that there might be a place in the world for me after all."

"There absolutely is a place for you in the world. But you know why? Because you carved one out for yourself. You did that. That's something you can be proud of."

"But now what? What was all that surviving for? When will I finally have something to show for it all?"

"Wait, seriously? You don't think you have anything to show- ohhh. You don't think you have anything good enough for the Muse. That's what this is."

I look up at them. "Hold up. Do I detect a hint of... jealousy?"

"You didn't have any hangups about showing me your work. I'm just wondering out loud what's different this time."

"Oh my God, dude."

"I realize this may sound rich coming from me of all people, but... you don't actually have to impress the Muse just because they inspired you."

"This isn't really about them, though."

"Oh? Because there's a giant corkboard posted in the chart room of your prefrontal cortex labeled 'Five-Year Plan for Getting Noticed by Senpai' that has gone through numerous revisions over the last eight months."

"Who let you into my prefrontal cortex?!"

"Marve, I'm a figment of your imagination. No one's going to badge me when I show up. But back to the point... if you're going to use us as your yardstick for whether or not your limerence has gotten out of hand, I'm going to remind you that you didn't have a five-year plan to get my attention back in the day."

"I didn't plan for anything back then. I didn't see the point. In an alternate timeline I might have, though."

"So you have more control over your life now, but you want to devote it to maybe impressing someone you've never even met?"

"They're a stand-in for me. Until I can like myself enough to be my own motivation again."

"But this limerent devotion isn't helping you if it's making you feel inadequate and anxious."

"At least something is motivating me again. I just need a reason to keep going until I can find the next reason to keep going."

"Your five-year plan doesn't include any solid strategy to transition away from chasing after the Muse as your main source of motivation. If this whole thing is only supposed to be a narrative frame for your own personal growth, where and how exactly does personal growth fit into this narrative?"

I slide off their shoulder down into my seat and sigh. "Hell of a way to get called out by my own brain."

"Marve, you know I don't hand out compliments of any kind lightly. When I said that I was impressed by how smart and talented you were, I meant it. And now I also know what extraordinary inner strength you have in you, too. You have no reason to consider yourself inadequate. If this weirdo- if you meet them IRL and they don't like you, that's on them, not you."

"...you're a little jealous."

"I'm not. Granted, I do have some... questions about their whole deal. But what I really care about is keeping you from running yourself into the ground again. You say you know who this is really for, but I think the boundaries have gotten too fuzzy and it's time for you to pull back and refocus on you."

"Dear God. This is possibly the weirdest pep talk I've ever received from my own brain."

"I hope it means something, to hear it coming from me. Don't forget that there have always been people out there rooting for you. Including myself."

They lean over and kiss my cheek. "I'll see you in your dreams, Marvy. I'm usually somewhere in there if you're doing the Inception Architect thing. Come find me and say hi."

With that, they get up to leave. I watch them go, still trying to process everything that's just transpired.