#ian never treated him like a burden DO YOU HEAR ME

[lupeloto]

heyyyy it’s galladrabbles time with a mid prompt by some loser idk her🙄 anyways here’s one of my ideas for the prompt: chore

— — — — — — —

Mickey always felt like a chore.

He was a burden; to his family, teachers, everyone. Knowing that if anyone attempted to break through, they would quickly discover that he was merely a barrier in their life too… until the awkward red-head from the neighborhood shattered that lens completely, treating the breaking-down of his wall like an art that he took pleasure pouring his heart into, little-by-little until he was exposed.

Mickey always despised/feared that state of exposure until Ian. He alleviated that fear with a determination, leaving Mickey feeling less like a burden… more like one lucky motherfucker.

[tirednerd2012]

I have an idea if you want to write something REALLY angsty. Suppose Ian is taken by someone who has knowledge of potions? But their knowledge is on the extreme side, and they believe that because Ian is a wizard, his body has magical properties, so they want to experiment. It starts off small: a lock of hair, a sample of blood, a nail clipping, etc. But it gets worse, and their goal is to drain and dismember him so they can use his body parts for potions in the future.

Guys, this has some serious torture in it. Lots of mentions of blood and has some heavy parts. Please don't hate me because Ian goes through absolute hell in this. Read with caution if you must.

Ian felt like there was something off with his new math teacher. The guy was always studying him, asking him questions and making sure Ian knew every answer. Maybe he wouldn't think much of it if he did it with the other students, but his attention always seemed to be on Ian. It made him insanely uncomfortable.

He mentioned it to Barley and his brother said to be cautious about it, but as long as he didn't harm Ian, it should be okay. He didn't sound so confident about it, but Ian decided to let it go.

"Ian, can you see me after school? I need to talk to you about your test," Mr. Clarke told him.

"Uh, sure, is everything okay?" he asked.

"We'll talk about it after school. Have fun at lunch," Mr. Clarke sent him off.

Ian walked out of the classroom feeling sick. He thought about texting Barley, but decided against it. No need to worry him. He told him that he would be late because he had to meet with a teacher and Barley responded that was fine, he had to pick up some books at the library for his homework anyway.

He thought again, but knew Barley would try something and get them both into trouble. Besides, it would only be 10 minutes alone with the guy, what could go wrong?

Apparently a lot.

Ian went there after school and his teacher smiled at him.

"Ian! Good, don't worry, this won't take too long. You actually did incredible on your test," Mr. Clarke said. "It seems like your magic isn't the only thing special about you."

"Uh, thanks? So, why did you want me here?" Ian asked. He knew his friends had gotten hundreds on the test, so it wasn't like he was the only one who did well.

"Oh, I needed an excuse of course," Mr. Clarke responded.

"What do you- dude, what's your deal?" Ian snapped. He tried to make his way out, but Mr. Clarke grabbed his shoulder and slammed him against the wall. Ian fell and Clarke tied his arms together.

"Let-!" he tried to scream, but Clarke put a gag in his mouth.

"You see, Ian, a wizard's body has magical properties. Your blood is rare, but so is everything about you. And I can use it. I just have to get you back to my lab," he said. Ian tried to struggle, but Clarke was stronger than he looked. He picked up Ian's phone out of his pocket and dropped it on the ground. Then he brought something out of his pocket and brought it to Ian's face. "When you wake up, you'll be part of my greatest experiment."

Everything faded as his body felt limp.

When he woke up, he was strapped to a metal bed. Beside him was a table of sharp, steel tools. He was in his underwear and surrounded by IV bags and needles. He tried to get up, but the straps held him in place.

"Struggle all you want, kid, you're not going anywhere," Mr. Clarke's voice rang. Ian looked over and saw his math teacher beside him with a smile.

"Who the hell are you!?" he demanded. "Let me go!"

"I'm just... someone who knows a lot about potions. Been using them by entire life, actually. My father brewed them and taught me everything he knew," he explained as he got a needle ready. "There are powerful potions that can be made from a wizard, but they went extinct, until you, of course. Your father kept himself hidden, and you should have advised you to do the same."

"Look, man, my step dad is a cop and my mom and brother are crazy, they'll find me and make you sorry," Ian warned.

"There's not going to be anything left of you once I'm finished."

His voice was cold and taunting. He brought the needle up to Ian and despite how hard he struggled, he filled several tubes with his blood. He puts it on the table and then cuts some of Ian's hair. Then he took everything he collected and went to a table on the other side of the room.

Ian tried screaming bloody murder, but the man seemed unaffected.

"Ian, you are in a soundproof room hidden away in my basement. Scream and cry all you want. You're going to scream, but no one will hear you. No one is coming to save you."

"What are you going to do to me?" Ian asked. His throat tightened and he was shaking. He wasn't sure if it was from fear or the cold.

"I'm going to collect what I need until there's nothing left. The real treat awaits when I go for your heart, but we have plenty of time. It's going to be painful as hell for you. I would offer something to ease it, but I can't have anything in your system that could ruin the potions."

"You're going to go for my heart?" Ian asked, tears threatening to spill as he continued to struggle. He felt his wrists starting to rub raw under the thick, leather, but he didn't care.

"Yes, and unfortunately for you, I'm going to have to cut it out of you while you're alive. Keeps it fresh," he answered and sent Ian a smile that told him he wasn't really sorry about that detail.

"My family will find me. My brother knows I met with you after school and he's not going to stop until he finds me," Ian warned. "Barley may seem like a nice guy, but whatever you do to me is nothing compared to what he's going to do to you."

"Really? Well, I don't see him here," he said. Ian watched him pour his blood into the bowl and then think to himself for a moment. "Maybe I need something else."

He walked over and grabbed a pair of pliers and ripped one of Ian's fingernails off. The Lightfoot cried out and the man smiled, towering over him.

"I'm really going to enjoy our couple of weeks together," he said. He drew more blood, until Ian's left arm stopped giving him. "We have time, Ian, don't worry. I won't kill you yet."

Ian would rather have died than continued to go through this hell.

Three days. Ian had been missing for three days now. Barley was about to lose his salvation. He destroyed that entire school looking and cussed everyone out when there was no Mr. Clarke the creepy math teacher.

He never should have brushed it off. They found Ian's cellphone in the math room, but apparently Mr. Clarke didn't work for the school, even though multiple students and even some teachers say he had been there. He even broke into the security office and turned off all the cameras.

His mom cried with him. He held her and promised her they would find him. He wouldn't stop or give up. Even Corey was flying around searching. Colt had multiple search parties and warrants, but everything came up empty handed.

"Did you hear about Ian? Still missing," he heard someone at the gas station say. They hadn't seen him come in.

"Honestly, do they think he's still alive?" another girl asked, but then hushed as Barley walked past to the register. He filled up his van and went back driving. He drove until it was 3 in the morning, answering all of his mom's calls.

Colt pulled up beside him as he stopped the van and cried. Now it was 4 days.

"Barley, go home. You need rest."

"I can't sleep."

"I'll continue the search," his step father promised.

"Colt, you don't get it. I can't sleep without seeing him, alone and by himself," Barley snapped. "I can't find him anywhere. He's just gone and he needs me and he told me he got these weird feelings from this teacher and I ignored it. He warned me about this and I ignored it!"

"Barley, stop!" Colt snapped, opening the car door and Barley collapsed to the ground. He was exhausted. He couldn't keep doing this. He needed to find Ian. "This is not your fault, do you understand me?"

"But-."

"No buts! This is not on you. You can't burden yourself with that. You listen to me and you listen good, we are going to find him," Colt cut in. Barley had never heard him this serious before. "You're right. Ian does need you. But he needs you at your best, not when you're too tired to actually think and help find him. Go home and sleep. I will keep the search going and if I find out anything, you and your mother will be the first people I tell."

"I just want him back, Colt," Barley said, trying to stop his tears.

"I know and we're going to get him back. He'll be home soon."

Ian didn't know if he could keep going. Clarke cut the tip of his ear and then laughed at Ian's pain. He didn't even know how long he had been here. He tried to hold on to hope, but he didn't think it was going to help.

"You know, maybe that brother you talked so highly about is glad you're gone. Sounds like you cause him nothing but trouble."

Ian wanted to tell him that he was full of shit. He didn't want to believe it, but he did. Barley wasn't here. Was he looking? Ian wanted to say yes, but the pain was all he could focus on.

Clarke was giving him just enough to keep him alive. Everything he needed was in the IV.

"This one is going to hurt, Ian," he warned. He had a butcher knife in his hands and Ian still tried to struggle to no avail. He placed a towel down and then held Ian's wrist.

"What are you doing? Stop! Stop!" Ian begged, but he knew nothing would come of it. He heard a crunch and his hand felt like it was on fire. He screamed and Clarke stopped the bleeding. He looked up and saw his left thumb was gone.

Ian cried and he wanted Barley there. He felt like a small child crying out for his brother in the middle of the night again, but Barley wasn't coming this time. His brother had no idea where he was.

He was going to die.

After two more days and more searching, Barley slept, passed out from exhaustion to the point where he couldn't go on anymore, but he only saw a house. He was able to walk in it and he felt drawn to the basement. He followed his instincts and was led downstairs to a secret door. He opened it and saw Ian, strapped to a metal table. A lunatic was hovered over him with a butcher knife and cut his left thumb off.

Ian screamed in pain and Barley screamed in horror. The man wrapped Ian's hand and then walked over to the table and threw it into some kind of concoction. Barley went to Ian's side to see a sight he never wanted to. Ian, covered in cuts, with an IV in his hand. He had the tip of his right ear missing and he was sobbing in pain over his latest injury.

"I can't wait to cut your heart out, Ian. Once I complete that potion, I will be powerful. I will have your abilities, plus some strengths that you haven't had enough time to master," the man said. Barley would kill him. And the last few moments of his life would be hell.

"Barley," Ian cried.

"I'm here, Ian, I'm here," Barley said, but his little brother couldn't hear him.

"Keep crying for him, he's not coming, Ian," the man said. Ian continued to cry to himself, mumbling Barley's name until he passed out.

Barley was pulled out of the dream and woke with a jump. He looked around and grabbed his keys. He knew where Ian was. He ran out of his room and saw his mom asleep on the couch. Tears stained her cheeks.

"I'll be back, Mom," he promised, softly. "I'll be back with Ian."

He drove as fast as he could. The house from his dream was just a block over and Barley hated himself more. Ian was right there the whole time, but he had no idea. Barley stopped the car and busted the door open. He listened. Nothing.

He looked around the house, but no one was there. Then he remembered the basement. He held his sword in his hand as he made his way down. Sure enough, he found the door in the back. He busted it open and saw the man from his dreams and Ian on the table.

"Barley!" Ian cried out in relief. His brother looked worse than he did in Barley's nightmare. Barley could see his ribs. Ian was covered in bruises and cuts and so much more that Barley felt like he could be sick.

He looked at the man and six days of worry, anger, resentment, stress and heartbreak unleashed itself.

"I'm going to fucking kill you for this," Barley snapped. He didn't even recognize his own voice. The man seemed terrified, which he should have been. He tried to get away, but Barley gripped his sword and pierced the guy's chest. "Not so fucking tough when someone's strapped to a damn table, huh?"

"Barley," Ian called and they locked eyes. He took out his sword, now covered in blood, and walked over and undid all the straps. Before he could do anything else, Ian threw his arms around Barley's neck and sobbed.

"Ian, it's alright. I'm here now. You're safe. I'm here. You're safe. He can't hurt you," Barley promised, wrapping his arms around Ian as well. They both cried in each other's arms. Finally, Barley collected himself and pulled away from Ian, but kept one arm around him as he called Colt.

"Barley? I still don't-."

"I found him. He needs an ambulance. 165 Mushroom Street."

"But that's right-."

"Right down the black, I know. Long story. But, um, Colt, I think I killed the guy who took him," Barley said, looking over at the body of the bastard who hurt Ian. Ian still hadn't let go of him and Barley didn't complain. He wanted to rip that IV out of his arm, but he didn't want to make it worse. He needed the paramedics.

"It's alright, I'm on my way. You did it in defense. No one's going to blame you for that bastard's death," Colt said, trying to sooth him. But Barley was surprisingly calm. He was in a stranger's house. He just fucking killed a guy. But Ian was back. He was right in his arms. Barley could feel his heartbeat and the way Ian hung on to him.

"Get here soon. He has an IV in his arm and needs medical attention," he said, but they hung up the phone on each other. He held on to Ian like he was his lifeline.

"You found me," Ian said.

"Never stopped looking for you. I-I think you actually found me somehow," Barley said and explained his dream.

"I remember that. Barley that was days ago, but I wanted you at that moment maybe I did a magic thing. Did you really not sleep for two days?"

"Don't worry about that," Barley responded.

The paramedics arrive and soon enough they were on their way to the hospital. Ian was admitted. His mom ran in and hugged Barley while they waited.

"Barley! Oh my gosh, my boys!" she cried as she got to him.

"Mom, they're treating him now. He's going to be okay, though."

"How did you find him?" she asked and Barley explained the dream and then leaving immediately. She shook his head and cried again as she held onto him.

"He's going to be alright, that's all that matters," Barley responded.

A few hours later, they were able to see Ian. He had been bandaged up and connected to several tubes and IVs, but he was alive. He was there and alive. They spent several hours with him, but eventually their mom allowed Barley to stay the night with him.

"Barley, can you please get some sleep?" Ian asked. They were both exhausted, but Barley was afraid if he closed his eyes, he would wake up and Ian would be gone all over again.

"You need sleep," Barley responded.

"So do you," Ian said. He reached out and put his hand on Barley's arm. He looked at his older brother with dark circles under his eyes and he felt like he could cry all over again. "Come on, please. For me?"

"Are you seriously worried about me right now?"

"You haven't stopped shaking since you found me and you-we both saw what you did."

"I had to be sure he wouldn't hurt you again."

"And trust me, I get it. I would have done the same, but we have to keep ourselves together right now. There are going to be more threats. We need rest now."

He hated the idea of more threats coming after his little brother, but he knew that it was true. He nodded and adjusted in the chair right beside Ian. They both fell asleep, but apparently when their mom came to check on them in the morning, Barley had his arm out over Ian, as if to protect him from anything that came near his brother and Ian had his hand on the arm.

[doof-doofblog]

"Hello Phil - What Can I Get You?"

Tuesday 16th June 2020

Good evening everyone! Well, this is it, we've come to the last episode that is going to be aired before the soap leaves our screens temporarily. I have mixed emotions, a sense of sadness as it's going to be a while until we get to see our favourite story-lines comes to an end, but also i'm kinda looking forward to the new documentaries that are going to be shown. I'm also looking forward to seeing classic EastEnders episodes, I'm looking forward to reliving such iconic moments. How are you guys feeling? I'd love to hear your thoughts and feelings about the soap leaving our screens temporarily.

And Wow! What a final episode that was! What a cliffhanger to end on!! I really enjoyed tonight's episode, let talk about Ian and Dotty first shall we? So Ian has also managed to get Dotty suspended from her university. I feel like things aren't going well for Dotty at the moment, Ian seems to be taking everything away from her due to her blackmailing him. He first managed to persuade Peter to leave her on account of Bobby, and now he's managed to get her suspended from uni because of her dealing drugs and assaulting an officer. I'm not too sure what Dotty is going to do next. Ian really put her in her place during that conversation in the restaurant, she has no evidence to prove that he locked Dennis on the boat, and also he's right that no one would believe her over him, after what trouble she's been in recently and Ian acting the doting citizen, no one would believe a word against him. So, really ... Ian can act all smug as he likes! But I do feel that as this is EastEnders and secrets never stay hidden for long, it will only be a matter of time before Sharon finds out the truth, whether she finds out from Dotty or from other source remains a mystery. But I sure am looking forward to finding out what happens next when it comes to Dotty and Ian with their constant battle with each other.

I felt it was nice to see Tina and Iqra in tonight's episode, however something Iqra said has really got me questioning something. Is Tina really sleeping at her gay bar? Since Mick and Linda announced that they were selling the pub, Tina has been the main one who has been worrying about finding a place to live. Shirley has said many times that she has a place sorted, but what about Tina? Is she actually hiding the fact that she could potentially be homeless and is sleeping rough? Is she trying not to be burden for her family? I'm intrigued to see what happens, but something is giving me a feeling that all will be revealed about Tina and her living arrangements when the soap comes back on air. It looks as if there could be a really close friendship that could build between Tina and Iqra? Could their possibly be a romance on the cards? I know it's a big suspicion but I'm convinced something might happen between them in the future. What this space - that's all I'm going to say on the matter! Anyway, it also looks as if maybe Iqra and Keegan could start working for Tina and perhaps be her supplier? However, as much as Iqra was keen on the idea, Keegan not quite so much - or not even seeming interested at all! I really don't understand why Keegan is STILL looking so miserable! He should be focusing on moving forward with his life, he needs to get things back on track with Tiffany and starting again with his sandwich business, moping and moaning is just not doing him any favours. All his friends and family are without a doubt supporting him through his recent ordeal with the police, but everything has been turned in his favour and all charges have been dropped and yet he still can't move on with his life. I'm sure we've all been aware about what's happened in America in recent weeks and with the #BlackLivesMatter movement, something is telling me that when the soap comes back onto our screens, somehow #BLM will be mentioned in Keegan's story. I mean, it would make sense, right?

Can I also just mention that scene between Gray and Suki! I feel like they were both playing each other with their own games. Gray was making digs about their business being above board, also basically saying (in his own words) that he doesn't want Chantelle working there anymore. Of course he lied by saying he had had a raise, it was only to keep Chantelle away from Kheerat. Suki surely rubbed Gray up the wrong way I feel, saying that Kheerat will do anything to keep her at the business. But then when Suki left the room and Gray started taking pictures of some documents, were they like some kind of invoice? Or perhaps some kind of information about the business? I'm interested to see what happens when Chantelle finds out that Gray went behind her back and basically lost her her job.

Awwww, can I just say how much I love the relationship between Ben and Jay! They really are brothers, they've been brought up together and they'll always have each other's back! I absolutely love it! It was only a matter of time really before either Callum or Jay found out first about Ben's hearing. It just so happened that Ben collapsed when Jay came to see him. What could have caused that? Was it due to his flu or a headache or just everything as a whole - including his hearing? However, even though Jay was concerned it was only when Ben shouted at him to look at him while he was speaking that Jay eventually clicked. Ben shouted in such a way that it was a desperate cry for help. Jay knew then, he just knew that his condition has worsened. I feel a sense of relief that Ben finally said something to someone instead of suffering in silence (No pun intended). So the damage that Danny caused to Ben's hearing due to the gunshot was a burst eardrum, luckily that will heal, and hopefully Ben can still have his operation to help regain his hearing, to some degree. It's sad though that Ben wants to hide it from Callum, he is going to find out sooner or later, whether it be from Jay or Ben himself. He will click that something isn't 100% right with his boyfriend. Will he try and get the new character, Frankie on board to try and help his boyfriend communicate better with him? Will she also convince Ben to experience life with the deaf community to see how they carry on with life? I know we have to wait a while to see what will happen next, and I know I've said it a lot in recent posts, but I genuinely am so excited to see where all these story-lines will go.

Oh poor Billy! He had been taking so much stick from Mitch that he was just about to snap ... and he eventually did! After dig, after dig and after a losing match of air hockey, he was ready to stand up to Mitch once and for all. He would be willing to do anything to fight for his woman, even ending being hit in the nose. Once Karen had been made aware of what was happening between the men in her life, Billy gave her an ultimatum, if she really wants to be with Billy, she's going to have to get Mitch to leave their flat. Which to be fair, I full support! Why should Mitch still be living with Karen when they have no romantic feeling towards each other right now? Of course they have children together, but surely Mitch could get his own place with Bailey? And Billy could potentially move in with Karen, they'd still have a family unit but then everything and everyone would be happy, right? I mean, it might be hard on the kids but they'd adjust! The Taylor household is quite big at the moment anyway, how are they all managing to fit in that tiny flat? Karen, Bernie, Chatham, Riley, Mitch, Bailey, and Keegan - even though Keegan should be living with his wife right now, but whatever - and Billy has slowly starting moving his stuff in! I do hope that Karen will stand by Billy and agree that he's right and that Mitch should move out. What do you guys think? Is Billy being a bit harsh? I don't know, I think I support Billy on this one!

Mick had quite a lot of pressure on him during this episode didn't he? He was struggling whether to give the pub to Phil or try and keep his wife happy but not selling to Phil. Either way, he was kinda in the middle of it all, which ever way he chose - one person would end up disappointed. Of course Linda would be sticking by her best friend after the way Phil treated Sharon, kicking her out after she chose her son over him - I, personally, don't back anyone over this - I can understand Phil's point of view and I can understand Sharon's point of view, it's just a shame that a little child has come between them. Phil wanted to buy The Vic in the first place for Sharon, but after her changing her mind about wanting to bring up her son permanently with Phil, Phil couldn't bring himself to look at the child, let alone love him. He couldn't bring himself to love another man's baby, especially when he first believed the child was originally his. Linda did not want to sell the Vic to the man who basically chucked his wife out just because she chose her own baby over him. Mick seemed like he was being pulled from pillar to post, being demanded by Phil to sign the papers by the end of the day to then being demanded by Linda not to sell it to him. The only person he could turn to was Sharon, he needed help, he needed advice. But Sharon could only agree that Linda needed to leave the Vic and fast - otherwise there would always be a fear of her reaching for the bottle again.

I do want mention one thing though, when Phil reminisced about the time he burnt the Vic down, it brought a smile to my face, only because I remember what an epic episode that was! For those of you who don't remember, Phil was high on drugs and he was complaining to his mother, Peggy (God rest her soul!) that she loved the pub more than him, and the only way he would take it from her would be to burn it to the ground - and so he did, with him, his Mum and everyone else inside. It was such an epic moment in EastEnders, again once of the most fascinating and phenomenal moments from Steve McFadden.  

Anyway back on the subject - what an incredible ending that was! Phil turned up expecting Mick to sign the papers over to him for the Vic, only Linda was pleading for him not to. Mick then revealed that he had had a new offer from someone else, Phil literally thought he was joking as no one could've given him an offer that quick. Linda too was also confused and was eager to know who Mick had sold the pub to. Mick led them out the front and there standing behind the bar in all her glory, with Ian by her side looking as smug as ever, was Sharon! And she once again said those iconic words "Hello Phil! - What can I get you?!" Fans will remember that years earlier she said exactly the same words to Peggy when it was revealed that Sharon had taken the pub right from under Peggy's nose. She has played Phil at his own game! I do feel for Phil - that now he's lost his wife and the pub he so really wanted. I'm assuming that will mean that the game is up. Sharon has the Vic and Kayden and Phil ends up living at his home alone? I feel sorry for Phil, I did kinda want things to go his way, but in all honesty, who else truly belongs behind that bar? Who has had the longest history with the place? It would only seem right for Sharon to have it back, it was where she grew up and where she has had many many iconic Sharon moments. (Sharongate and the death of her father Dirty Den). I think it was a perfect ending for the soap to finish on.

I do feel a sense of sadness but did anyone else watch until the very end when the credits ended. The words that appeared on screen were "To Be Continued ..." That did make me feel a bit emotional but I'm looking forward to what juicy story-lines and revelations they'll be coming up with for us in the future. While the soap is off screen, I sure will be watching these upcoming documentaries and classic episodes of EastEnders. As for this blog, who knows what i'll post - I might write about the classic episodes they show or I might do my own throwbacks and perhaps write up about my favourite characters. We shall see. But it's goodbye for now and see you very soon! Thank you all! Look after yourselves and hopefully it wont be too long before our beloved soap returns! xXx

[whipscenarios]

The Heart wants what it Wants (A/F) - Christian Yu

requested: Dpr ian with angst and fluffy please ?? - masterlist  - read it listening to the title’s song

You felt like you couldnt handle it anymore. Being with Christian since you two were young and watching him change drastically from the person you knew to his current persona. He didn’t look like he loved you anymore, you could feel he was just pushing this relationship because he didn’t know how to end it, and neither did you. All you could think was “I think I just have to adapt myself to his new reality if I want to keep it with him”. You didn’t really didn’t have another option, you were used to his kiss, to his laugh, to his lifestyle, you didn’t know how to restart from the zero with someone knew, but livin that way with him would kill you.

Last time you saw him was Thursday. You understood he was a party guy and you had changed your mind  and had become a stay in kind of girl, but it was stupid how cocky he was acting, “I want to party and you don’t want to come with me so I’ll go by myself” he’d say before leaving for days and letting you there, crying, depressed, feeling regretful. You moved in because of him, you fought with your friends for him. For years your mother didn’t talk to you because of him, and that was how he retributed. Not that you didn’t realize what he was doing, but you knew him, you knew it was only a phase, he’d come back as he did when he was sad, or needing someone to have sex with.

The impression you had was that you were becoming a sexual toy, and you were ashamed of that. You knew how toxic this relationship had become and all you did was cry and not think about it. Having your normal life when he was there, even when he wasn’t really paying attention on you, or when he’s complain you were to touchy and when he screamed at you because you wasn’t giving him enough of your body just because you were tired. “I guess I just don’t love myself” you’d think. All this mess was known by only one person. Dabin would listen to all your crisis and cries, when you felt like going away he calmed you and said Chris did love you, he was just a little lost.

Lost. That was the word. Of course Christian was lost. Hanging out with the “trendy” guys. The tattoed, motorcicle owner guys, he would never do it one, two years ago, when you two were already together for a while. Sometimes you’d think you didn’t have a boyfriend, but how could you meet new people if everytime you’d go out without his permission you’d listen to his angry thoughts, having you even more ashamed of yourself.

“Where were you” you said hearing the door open, “Hanging out with Woo and his friends” he answered kissing your forehead, “I missed you, you didn’t even text me” you complained, “I was busy babe, you know how it is” Christian defended himself not really seeing himself being a shitty af person, “When will we hang out again?” you asked getting up and hugging him, “You don’t like to go out anymore! I think we can marathon something today” he answered and you kissed him, “Chris, you know I do like to hang out, but I don’t really enjoy going out with these new friends of yours”, “So we have a problem here” he kept.

“Chris” you called him. He looked back with those lovefull eyes and you hesitated, “Am I bothering you? Do I disturb your plans?”. He couldn’t believe you had asked that again. Chris looked at you firmly, “Do you want to talk? I really feel we need this, I’ve been trying to push this away but there’s no better timing than now” he questioned and you already felt tears rolling down, “Don’t cry already love, let’s try to talk without crying” he said going with his hands through your hair.

“Did Dabin talk to you?” you started, “Yesterday. He made me realize what I have been doing these past months” he looked regretful ,”I cant take this anymore Chris, I don’t feel like you love me anymore. You have become someone toxic to me, you made me feel like shit when you screamed at me just because I didn’t want to fuck. What am I to you? A whore? Because for the past seven months all you did with me was sex, and not even casual, smooth, soft sex, you were rough, you hurt me, not that  I didn’t consent to that, but you know? I felt bad, I felt like I had failed with you, I stopped loving myself because everything I did you try to get your attention was a failure, I lost weight, I bought new loungerie, I cut my hair, I did my best for what? For you to go party with some unknown girls. I’m tired of being a burden” you sobbed while finally confessing your feelings.

Barom was shocked. He cried like someone had died. He was finally seeing what he had done to you, how bad he had treated you. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know. I’m so sorry I became this monster you’re trying to keep a relationship with, you don’t deserve me, I fucked everything up, all these years for me to fuck everything up!” he was so lost. “I didn’t give up on you because I still believe you can be the Barom I met years ago, the one who would cuddle with me, go live with me, go shopping, live with me. The one who I was pleasured to be with, the one who I loved to feel on me, the one I felt amazed when fucked me. I just want you to change, or I’ll leave”.

Now everything was set up. You opened your whole heart for him, finally feeling like he was sober enough to understand and see that he was wrong. “Don’t leave me. Help me. I think I got too excited because those cool guys had accepted me with them, I forgot the beauty I had home, the love of my life. I doubt I could leave without you, I messed up, I did our relationship a toxic one, almost an abusive one. I didn’t really see how demonized I was, ony using you for my own pleasure and forgetting to see your side. But please, help me changing and turning back to who I was. Help me finding myself. I guess this is what I heart wants, and he knows what he wants.”

You rushed to hug him, you two cried like two children without their candy. You could see truth in his words, and that’s why you sobbed even more. “I will give you only one chance, I cant destroy myself more, I’m broken Christian, you don’t believe how dark these last days were. I even thought on killing myself, I was disappointed I let you become who you did, I was disappointed to myself for not knowing how to end this nightmare, I just wanted all of this to end”. You kept confessing, making him feel even worse, “I am so sorry Y/N, you know I am not who I really am, I need your help finding myself again, don’t leave, I will change, I cant believe I made you feel like that, I feel so full of regrets, I love you so much” he said putting his head on your neck. The rest of that night was full of confessions, you two were finally seeing a light, an end for those dark days was coming.

[thetalentedkurthummel]

Kurt & Louis ll The Journey Chapter 4: I'll be good

When: 25th October 2018 Where: Louis’ house Who: Kurt and Louis Summary: Louis texts Kurt because he is going through a crisis and Kurt tries to help him. Part 4 of Louis para threads with people. Warnings: Contains mentions of gay bashing/homophobia, suicidal idealations, death, depression...all that fun stuff.

Louis: The moment the heavy bags echoed on his marble floor, Louis knew by the soreness in his muscles that the damage he had been dealing with these past days surpassed the physical boundaries of his body. His mind was clouded and for a moment he felt like he had been three years ago. His father's words echoed through his mind as if it was the only thing he could hear. “You are an embarrassment Louis! You broke your mother’s heart, dishonored your family - your siblings hate you. And I?! I wish you succeeded when you tried to kill yourself, because even there you fail as a human being!” It had the effect his father wished it would have, every part of his body screamed, pleaded to make the pain stop. It was true words cut deeper than a knife. Perhaps his father was right. But he couldn’t have him win yet, part of him didn’t want to give his life in his father’s palm. He hurt him too much - too much to repeat the mistake he tried three years before.   He decided to reach out before it was to late.

[Text to Kurt]: I’m sorry to bother you with this - but I really need someone right now.

Kurt: Kurt was just sorting out the house so it looked semi decent. Serena was currently at playgroup and would then get picked up by the babysitter they used, so he didn't need to worry so much about whether he was on time for her. It made it sound like he was a bad parent, but he just needed some good alone time every now and then. He had been bonding with someone called Louis recently who was also an owner of a gay bar in New York he really needed to check out. He seemed like a nice guy and he hoped to get to know him better. Just then his personal phone vibrated. He looked in confusion and worry.

[Text to Louis]: You are not bothering me at all, what is wrong? Where are you?

Louis: Louis found himself sighing in relief, he wouldn’t know what he had done if his text would disappear as another unread message. He couldn’t allow himself to be seen by colleagues or even family, having spoken with Kurt made him feel like he was someone he could trust. A person that wouldn’t judge him after all he was married to a man, he might have come across homophobia before. 

[Text to kurt]: I went to Washington DC - It’s a long story but I’m pretty much bruised all over thanks to my father. And I could use someone right now that might understand.

Kurt: Kurt was shocked by what Louis was texting him. He had come across many stories of youths of all sexualities dealing with this shit through the charities he had worked with and it saddened him.

{Text to Louis}: Come over right now or as soon as you can, I can help you through this. If you can't come to me I will come to you. Know this, what he did was wrong and not ok.

Louis: He thought for a moment, his ribs had hurt the whole climb of the stairs so perhaps it would be better if Kurt would come to his place rather than the other way around. It wasn’t as if he didn’t know his father had been in the wrong, violence never was a solution to anything. But there were things said that tore him apart regardless. 

[Text to Kurt]: I’m sending you my address - I’ve hurt my ribs and I really want to avoid those stairs. I know what he did was wrong - I just wish that the police would see how two-faced that man truly is. I wish I could have left with a proper closure - instead of fleeing so I can’t get hurt. This wasn’t how I wanted to present myself in front off…Ian. 

He broke down in tears, Ian must have pitied him. And he didn’t want that, deserve it even. His father was the true disgrace...wasn’t he?

Kurt: Kurt felt angry reading the text and even thought back to how he was treated in high school and even when he got beaten up when in college for defending someone who was gay.

[Text to Louis]: I will be there in the next 45 minutes. I need to grab some stuff. Just make sure your door is unlocked and then lie down and rest so you don't need to get up again when I arrive.

Kurt put his phone in his pocket and then grabbed some medical supplies including bandages, band aids and paracetamol. He wasn't a doctor but knew what having a bruised rib felt like. He shoved all those things in a bag along with some spare clothes if needed and then got in his car to head to Louis'.

Louis: He couldn’t help but feel guilty for reaching out to Kurt, after all the man already had enough to worry about and it wasn’t really fair. But he couldn’t face anyone else and being left alone sounded like a much worse idea.

[Text to Kurt]: Actually it’s pincode activated just press 4685 and the door should open. I can change the code myself so don’t worry too much, I’m sorry if I fall asleep at one point - I’m just drained. I had a four hour flight to return here and my head is aching...I’ll explain the full story soon - it’s just not something I can fully explain over text. 

He really couldn't. He picked out some blankets in the hope to stop his body for trembling over.

Kurt was in process of driving so he couldn't respond to Louis in the way that he wanted, however he did put out a few words when he was at a traffic signal.

[Text to Louis]: Am driving but don't fall asleep, just stay awake ok?

Kurt then put the phone back in his pocket. A short while later he pulled up where Louis lived. He grabbed the bag he'd brought with him and going up to the door he put in the pin Louis gave him. Upon entering his house he spotted Louis under a pile of blankets and walked over and stroked his hair. "Hey you, i'm here."

Louis: The buzzing of the sound of his phone was what woke him up, he was drowsy but decided to take a bit of an effort to make sure that he would be awake when Kurt would arrive. However when a voice reached for him, he noticed he had once again dozed off. “Sorry, guess I did fall asleep after all. I didn’t have medicine here - I should have but ever since I came to NYC I just failed to get time. I’ve been working on sassy night and…” He rubbed his eyes. “Sorry to bother you Kurt - I just needed someone.” He felt ashamed, here he was a grown adult having to get someone to drive over to make sure he wouldn’t do something he’d end up regretting. “I hate to burden you especially since after our talk I know well enough you already got a lot on your mind.”

Kurt smiled and went to sit next to him on the couch. "It is ok, I just wanted to make sure that you wouldn't fall asleep incase you had hit your head beforehand or anything." Kurt looked over at Louis and could tell he had been through something but not sure to what detail. "I have some medication and other stuff with me, but you should really go to a doctor. Even if you can't afford to I will be happy to pay for your treatment." Kurt took his hands. "I don't care, burden me with what is going on. If it wasn't important you would not have texted me. It is ok to reach out."

Louis: Louis nodded, understanding what Kurt meant. “I was taken to the hospital a few days before I came back, they told me that I have a soft concussion that’s why I went to Beth, my sister-in-law. I could only leave the hospital if I had someone to check on me. I angered the doctor by taking a plane…” He couldn’t help but sigh deeply. “Kurt I appreciate the gesture, but I am certainly capable in paying a doctor.” He stared for a moment gathering his thoughts before he allowed his story to escape his lips.  “My father always had resented me for my sexual orientation, but things became a lot worse the moment I actually fell in love with my best friend,Ian. He was my rock and often would be in the position you are right now.” Louis wanted to start at the beginning. “I was still far from graduating, and life actually felt easy aside from the constant arguing. But I feel like everything changed when Ian got diagnosed with cancer, when they found out he was already in a far stage and I just knew he wouldn’t make it as much as he tried to hide it from everyone - I was going to ask him to be my boyfriend at our graduation, I even started Sassy night because we once joked about it and…” He had to give himself a moment, hands clenching to the blanket as he forced himself to continue.

“Three years ago he died, a day before graduation. My dad didn’t let me grief, kept pushing me to the point I tried to kill myself. He made sure that it would be labeled an accident. He waited for me to get released from the hospital and told me I now was meant to date his colleague’s daughter. I felt like I died back then, my mind wasn’t in a good place and my father did everything to keep it that way. That’s why when I got Ian’s last letter, which is about four to five months ago...I escaped, I told the girl I was dating why and she understood and supported me. In a way back then she was the only one. My siblings didn’t understand. I was nothing but a traitor.”   “I moved to NYC and a lot happened, I got lost in center Park - I had a crush on someone of my staff but I felt like I didn’t deserve it, messed up and lost my chance. I didn’t feel bad because I feel like I did get a great friend in return. He understood that I needed to go to Washington for closure. I didn’t expect to find my dad and get physically hurt. It seems I inherited part of my grandmothers money, my father’s mother - and that just added fuel on his flame. I just wanted to move on...tell Ian I was okay. But I’m not that sure anymore. I’m not really sure I’m okay.” He bit on his lip as tears started welling in  his eyes. He felt so pathetic.

Kurt listened to Louis' story and just tried to process everything the young lad was saying. It sounded like he'd had a pretty shitty deal when it came to family, romance and falling for the wrong people. This week was apparently the week people were unloading their problems on him. Though he didn't mind at all. "Ok first off what the hell?! Second off your family are shit and totally wrong in how they think and how they've treated you." Kurt put his arms around Louis so he could be hugged. "It is ok to not be ok and I am here. Just know that I know Ian would rather you be alive than dead. Whatever your beliefs about whether you will see him when you are gone, he'll be pissed and rather you get drunk in the club you named after him." He paused for a moment. "For a time I was suicidal in high school when I was being bullied and just nobody was there to support me about my sexuality. But I got through it and with my help you will too. You are not alone anymore."

Louis: Those words were everything Louis had needed to break down and cry, three years he had wanted to hear those words from someone. To have anyone say he deserved to live and deserved to move on with his life, that he too deserved to be happy. “I-I’m sorry Kurt.” he couldn’t help but apologize once again. “I know you have your own things to sort out - so thank you for being here - saying that.” He tried to give himself a moment, to just cry and speak after. It took him a few minutes to recollect himself. “I just - feel like I couldn’t be myself for a long time, I had support but in a way I was to scared to be myself, to be hated for who I am and what I believe in. To love without fear and just…” He didn’t know how to explain himself - but he knew that he needed someone like Kurt to listen to him, someone who understood well enough how painful these things could be.   “I’m sorry you had such a rough time in high school. If you don’t mind me asking - how did you get through it?”

Kurt smiled and continued to hold Louis tight so he knew someone was there for him. "There is no need to say sorry ok, never say sorry to me when it comes to being upset. Yes I have my stuff to sort out, but this right now is more important. A divorce can wait - someone who is suicidal/depressed can't wait." Kurt continued to listen and felt he could relate so much to Louis right now. "Being gay or just someone in the LGBT community is a great thing but it is also a scary thing when you have nobody to turn to. For me I survived my having Blaine in my life and before him attempting to talk to a school councellor. I also found helplines for those in a crisis. Then best of all...I found Glee club. While not all of them were gay, over time they were my support system and family and people who I could turn to and who I know would defend me. Yes they didn't get it sometimes, but i'm still friends with these people to this day. Finn even ended up being my step brother and I met Blaine through Glee as well." Kurt wiped away Louis tears from his face. "You may not be in school anymore but there are still LGBT clubs out there for young adults, I would also suggest you go to your doctor and maybe arrange to see a therapist so speak about what you are feeling. It will help."

Louis: Louis knew that he needed help by a professional, it just felt like he couldn’t allow himself the time.  “I just want to focus on Sassy night, it helps. It’s maybe a strange way of therapy but having a place that’s like a second home- helps. The people are great and understanding, I wish I didn’t waste three years in getting here, but I wasn’t ready after Ian’s death.” He wiped away his tears. “I tried to talk to my sister but it’s quite clear she does not want to associate with me, she feels betrayed that I left her - and instead of a fancy job like the lawyer degree I graduated with became an stripclub owner.”  “She fails to see the importance of that club, those people are my family. More than the one I share my blood with.” He shook his head.  Just talking with Kurt helped a lot, he felt a lot safer this way perhaps this was one of the reasons why he reached out to him, ever since their first chat Louis had found himself comfortable to talk about things that he wished to avoid at times, aside from Darius these weren’t the things he found comfortable talking about. “Honestly I don’t understand why the dad figures get the most out of me.” It was his first smile ever since he left New York. He almost started to worry if he would be unhappy the whole while.

Kurt sighed. "You can still concentrate on your bar and do the things you are doing now and still go see a professional, it is only an hour of your time one day a week for maybe 6-8 weeks depending on how much you need. Also people change when it comes to what you want in life. I mean I have a degree from NYADA in musical theatre and yet right now i'm CEO of a company which deals with fashion. Yes I did some Broadway and may go back to it, but i'm happy doing what I am doing now." Kurt sat back a bit knowing Louis will be ok. "I'm turning into my dad who was always there to give wise advice, it's a family trait. But anyway if you need me, i'll always be a phonecall or a text away. Also..go to your doctor about antidepressants or at least get a check over."

[lawofavgs]

The Sacrifices We Make - Chapter 5

A/N: I’m so sorry for the delay! My wee bairn started teething, so it’s been very loud in our house lately. If I have to write with a five month old sleeping on my lap, I’ll do it! Thank you so much for all of the positive feedback on this fic. You guys are amazing!

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

The next few days trudged by slowly as work was tended to around the estate. Brian kept a wary eye towards the road, waiting for the day a band of Redcoats would come for their first helping of unearned spoils. I wondered if, even now, he would hide his fully grown children away in order to protect them. Thankfully, it seemed as though their secreted stockpiles would last them for some time, as long as nothing spoiled and their locations weren’t discovered.

As for Jamie and I, we walked on slightly sturdier footing since that moment in the barn. I could tell there was still a cautious suspicion within him, his deeply entrenched need to defend his family not allowing him to simple accept  completely that I wasn’t a threat to Lallybroch. Still, it was nice to be greeted with a nod and a “Mistress”, instead of a glare or a biting comment.

How things had changed in such a short while. To be content with indifference, when in all truthfulness, there was nothing I wanted more than the warm embrace of my husband.

I often wondered to myself who this new version of Jamie was. I had been quick to label him as immature, given his reaction to my presence. Now that I knew what the past six years of his life had been, I was more willing to see that it was less about being a brat and more about being frustrated and in the dark. Seeing him with his family, however, that was where I saw the man I had known and loved. To see his warm teasing with Jenny, his comradery with Ian, and his deep respect for his father and Murtagh, I knew that part of him would never change. When I witnessed him playing with Wee Jamie, swinging the lad about and laughing heartily, I had to excuse myself to hide the tears in my eyes.

Helping with the household chores, I scrubbed at a filthy white shirt in the courtyard and ended up lost in my thoughts. Would Jamie and I become as close as we once were back at Leoch? Would he believe me if I told him the rest to the story – and that I was carrying his child? I was so plagued by my fretting that I didn’t hear the sound of boots pounding against the dirt.

“Claire!”

I turned away from the wash tub and saw Brian rapidly approaching. The worry in his voice made my stomach turn icy as possible scenarios raced through my mind. Discarding the shirt in my hands, I rushed over to meet him.

“It’s Jamie. The lad was thrown from his horse and he’s hurt. I need you to take a look,” Brian informed me, breath coming swiftly from the exertion of rushing to the main house. Without waiting for any further explanation, I started off towards the paddock where Jamie had been earlier, Brian close behind me. As we ate up the distance quickly, I saw Jamie seated on the ground, hunched over protectively, Murtagh standing off to the side. Even from where I stood, I could see what was wrong.

His right shoulder was dislocated.

I almost tripped over my own feet as I thought back to the first time we met: Jamie on a too-small stool, bathed in firelight, arm at an awkward angle. From a glance, aside from longer hair, he looked nearly the same. I fought to keep my composure as I ran to his side. The struggle to remain calm was made all the more difficult as he looked up and met my eyes. He was so…open. The sweat on his brow and the pain in his gaze – he needed help. He needed me.

“Can ye fix him up then?” Brian asked, panting slightly. With a nod, I requested something for Jamie to sit on as well as a belt. Murtagh hurried off and returned with a metal bucket before yanking the leather at his waist loose and handing it over.

With trembling hands, I grabbed Jamie’s arm at the correct spots. I gave him one last glance and nodded, watching him nod back as if to say he was ready.

This is the worst part.

I went through the familiar motions of getting the joint back into its socket. The sickening pop and the sudden shift under the skin let me know that his shoulder was righted again.

Taing Dhia! It doesna hurt anymore!

“It will,” I managed to croak out, steadfastly refusing to make eye contact for fear my glass face would give me away. “You’ll be tender for about a week.”

My stomach twisted as I recited to Jamie the care instructions – words I had already spoken to him in a different life. It took more strength than I thought I possessed to loop the belt around Jamie and secure his shoulder without letting my hands shake.

“Are ye all right, lass?” he asked quietly, dipping his head to try and catch my gaze. With nowhere to hide, I let out a humourless huff of a laugh.

“I’m not the one who separated my shoulder,” I replied. If he noticed that I dodged his question, he at least had the grace not to call me out on it. I watched as he stood to his full impressive height, unable to find the self-preservation in me to look away.

“I thank you, Mistress.” His words came out strong, without a hint of pride or ego. He gifted me with a quick bow before he turned and followed Murtagh back into the barn, joking with his godfather about his horse being sent straight from the depths of hell itself.

“Seems ye have a knack for rescuing Frasers. I am indebted to ye once more, Claire,” Brian said with a rueful smile gracing his features.

“You’ve given me shelter and food, Mr. Fraser. I think it’s safe to say you’ve repaid that debt and then some.”

“And I think it’s safe to say ye’ve earned the right to call me Brian, lass,” he informed me warmly. I was once again struck by his kind countenance, so much like Jamie’s. I couldn’t be blamed for wondering, once again, if Jamie would have his father’s paternal instincts as well.

And if I would get to see those similarities with his own child.

The cold burn that nipped at my heart distracted me, and I turned to glance at the barn to compose myself once more.

“He’ll be fine, Sassenach,” Brian assured me, mistaking my intent for turning away yet somehow soothing my secret fears all the same. “He’s a braw lad, tough and sturdy and stubborn as ye please. He’ll be feeling fine in no time.”

I nodded, picking up my skirts as I began the walk back to the house. “Of course, as long as he doesn’t get himself hurt again.”

---

If I thought the change in Jamie after I revealed the truth of my prophecy was remarkable, his new demeanour towards me after I set his shoulder was just as incredible. He told me stories of his life over supper that day, speaking more in one sitting than he had in all the time since I arrived. Some of the tales were ones I had already heard, but I still listened intently and enjoyed the cadence of his voice and the charm of his storytelling. Others covered this new six year period he had a chance to re-do, giving me the opportunity to appreciate how his new experiences shaped him.

When I exchanged the belt for a more proper sling later that evening, it didn’t escape my notice his ease with regards to removing his shirt. It was a shock, to be sure, to see his back unmarred and scar-free. I knew it would be, of course, but like Jamie had said to me once: to know something is not the same as seeing it with your own eyes.  Instead of discomfort at baring his marked skin, Jamie had been simply antsy about healing quickly and being able to return to his normal household duties.

“I dinna want my father to be burdened o’ermuch by my injury. With what ye told me, about the apoplexy that would have taken him…,” Jamie trailed off, worry etched into the lines of his face. I gave him a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder and he laughed. “For years, I was so angry with him for treating me like a wean when he was only trying to keep me safe. Now I wish to do that very same thing to him.”

“That’s what you do for family,” I assured him softly, dropping my hand back to my side. “Just don’t push yourself too much too fast, or your injury will get even worse and hinder your recovery time.” I watched him nod absentmindedly, his gaze transfixed on the fire blazing in the hearth. With his attentions elsewhere, I found myself taking in his features, admiring the glow of the flames dancing over his skin and lighting his eyes. I yearned to wrap myself up in him, to lose myself in the strong embrace of his arms. I was heartsick for that love and companionship.

“Weel,” he started, breaking me out of my reverie, “I best be off to bed. Thank ye for tending me, Claire.”

My name on his lips sent a solid shot to my chest and I managed a weak smile as he stood and headed for the stairs. I remained where I was, inhaling the scent of woodsmoke as I tried to calm my racing heart. No matter who he was, it only took a simple word from Jamie to knock me off of my axis.

---

I kept a watchful eye on Jamie in the coming days to ensure he wouldn’t reinjure his shoulder in a foolhardy attempt to maintain his usual productivity. Instead, he stuck to tasks he could accomplish with one working arm. I observed him reviewing ledgers in his father’s study, washing potatoes for Mrs. Crook, even entertaining Jenny’s children so she could finish her chores in peace. Despite his obvious restlessness and wish to return to his full duties – a man unable to sit still for long – Jamie was in incredibly good spirits.

I found myself some distance from the house, digging up wild plants to bring to the garden, when I heard him yell out, “Sassenach!”

My heart and stomach did a simultaneous flip as I looked up from my work. I couldn’t seem to stop the hitch in my breath, the effect of hearing him call me that for the first time since I came here gripping me in a stranglehold. Using the short amount of time until his long strides carried him over to me, I began fiddling with the greenery in my basket, counting from one to ten and attempting to match my breathing with the pace. Without a moment to spare, I regained enough composure to look up and smile in greeting.

“Ye shouldn’t be out here by yerself, lass. Heaven knows when a Redcoat patrol will be along and we dinna want you to greet them alone,” he warned lightly. He was right, of course, but I had assumed the spot I was in was close enough to the house in case any danger may happen this way. Without waiting for a response, he took the basket out of my hands.

“I’m not finished here,” I informed him primly. There were still plenty of plants I could bring back and tend to in the courtyard garden.

Jamie offered me a lazy half smile, half smirk that I recognized well and sent my pulse racing. “That’s fine, Sassenach. I’ll hold yer wee basket while you dig up what ye need. I reckon it’s not too taxing on my one good arm, aye?”

“I think I can clear you for such a strenuous task,” I joked back, trying to hold the smile that wanted to break out on my face at bay. “How is your shoulder, by the way?”

He scratched his chin with the aforementioned injured arm, past the need for the sling but not yet ready to use to its full capacity. “Oh, it’s fine, Mistress. A wee bit sore, but no’ troubling me o’ermuch. The warm cloth at night helps.  I should be able to push it a bit further in a day or so.”

“Yes, well, as long as you don’t push too far. Listen to what it’s trying to tell you. If it starts hurting, you need to scale it back. Don’t be stubborn or attempt to battle through it with manly pride.”

“As you say, Mistress,” he acquiesced, tilting his chin down just so. I returned my attention to the shrubbery at my feet, finding myself taking much more care in removing the plants from the earth. I relished the extra time alone with Jamie, whether it was in comfortable silence or caught up in an amusing tale about a broken paddock rail and a herd of runaway goats. Finally, I could stall no longer as I handed him the final uprooted bundle of herbs. We made our way back to the house, enjoying the deceptive peace and calm around us, despite the knowledge of hard times about to come. Sooner or later, the English would ride up to Lallybroch demanding food and supplies. We could only hope their wrath would not be aimed at the innocent inhabitants of the area.

Approaching the dooryard, I saw Brian coming down the stairs with a bannock in hand. His gaze bounced from me to Jamie and back again, and his eyebrows drew together questioningly before rising up slightly. As I stood there, Jamie handed me my basket and reminded me to bring an escort the next time I went gallivanting, then trailed after his father. I could hear my blood rushing in my ears as I dissected the look on Brian’s face and could only ask myself one question.

Does he know that Jamie is the husband I left on the other side of the stones; the father of my unborn child?

[thetruthinlies]

( Flying at the speed of light, thoughts were spinning in my head. So many things were left unsaid, it’s hard to let you go. ) ( I just got a little bored, and wrote a little something about Mukuro's big brother Ian, and for my cute baby brother [lol, it sounds like a pun]. Another huge word splutter though, and I’m sure I forgot the main point. )

[ Word count: 1580 words ]

There was a curious thing that was considered by philosophers, by fools and sages, by the architects, even the scientists. Where logic had always come into clash with.

Then again, if logic is created by fellow human, what makes it any different? Aristotle had always said that human beings are social creations, this is only because they have a conscience, and that has pieces of unreasonable, indeterminable “facts”

If Merlin were to look with his magnified-lens that he had done as a hobby, even he would be in question as to what this is. Is it a feeling, something that is the reason of existence? Or is it something that serves as a hindrance, rendering you as a pathetic being.

Love.

When a child hears of this word, they always assume it has to do with physical contact with two older beings. The connection they have by means of fulfilling their physical attraction, generally “romantic”. When an adult hears it, he might be saying the same thing.

He, himself who was once a child so many times, repeating life over and over again, but with each time, falling into the dark of night, paraphrased love as something that was nothing more than a hindrance. Something that people think they need, but they do not. There is no need to fulfill “the void” because it will once more repeat, and the human soul would never be satisfied.

This being said, it almost made sense to why he thought so. For every instance he was chained by the threads of love with another person, within these simulations, within these lives he had lived, it ended with a guarantee of no survival. He couldn’t remember when was it a time where he had experienced love, and had not been slain later.

Short-lived.

That was how they describe the feelings of happiness. If that is the case, then why feel it to begin with? It is as if reaching Nirvana, only to realize another person has pushed you off, landing back into that miserable place.

What does a Seer of Heart view this as?

-o-

A seer is a clairvoyant person. A fortune-teller, the master of augury, effectively seeing through the things a “normal” person would not. Where opaque substances can be treated as something that is transparent. 

He had seen in one of those many simulations that his keeper loves to throw him into, that his friend is someone of that position. If he was someone who panicked about people getting to know him, he would’ve been terrified. Like a shrieking lamb, a scaredy cat, a dog who cannot face their master who they wronged against. A frightened child.

He’s probably seen eons worth of human emotion, the good, the bad, and the ugly. None of them would go out of the boy’s notice, for sure. This in comparison, put six past lives with every realm of hell as a child’s game.

This man sees through the exterior faces that people wear, the masks that everyone put on to secure their inner selves from being damaged, the one who makes a hole in the wall, piercing through. This was why he immediately found out Mukuro’s farce of an exterior. More than just hearing the heartbeats, and it wasn’t as though he was reading his mind, 

Did that mean he also pitied him? Looking at Mukuro as a lowly, broken and lonely being who needed someone who could snap the madness out of him. Maybe that was why he was looked on the brother standpoint. Mukuro was burdensome to him.

Well.. at least that was what the corpse would think. Assumptions.. assumptions.

-oo-

Read between the lines, of what’s (insert the f-word) up and everything’s alright. Even an idiot could tell there was something wrong with the expression the Seer, no Ian had. He pondered, questioned, worried, sinking deeper with every thought.

The human mind never ceases a thought, even if the person alive did not have any memories of the lives they lived before, it burdened them heavily. If thoughts were threads for a spindle, it would be a giant piece of cloth produced to show how thoughts constantly spun in people’s heads.

It wasn’t possible to never think. Even if it seems as you are not thinking, breathing alone is a decision made by the brain’s thought.

Ian’s knowledge was burying him alive. It gnawed at him. No matter how much he knew, it was not good enough to know the answer. More and more knowledge only brought question, more concern..

Maybe that was why they say ignorance is bliss. An irritating quote, but it seemed as though this fit the boy’s current state of mind.  The poor big brother of his probably couldn’t find the better choice of what he should do. Denying the roots that he was still a human, which would mean he would accept being the one who sees through all, unable to sit and create connections because it would interfere with carrying on his duty, keeping strong and perceptive.

Or was it better to succumb to human desire, lowering himself back to a weaker state that could be manipulated, hurt, maimed by the crutches of love.

“Emotions are scary, aren’t they, Mukuro?” the way he smiled, in effort of keeping the easy-going aura that had surrounded him for so long.. it was waning.  The falsehood that Mukuro didn’t bother picking at, because it kept Ian in a proper state of mind..

Almost like the smile and the misanthropy that Mukuro plasters to keep his sanity in check.

Ian was crying on the inside, he was bleeding, already harmed even though his knowledge exceeded any other human’s knowledge. Emotion was what kept a human to be a human, even the apathetic people had emotion, just lowered than a regular one. A psychotic man may not feel or comprehend it geniunely, but if he read a book, he’ll understand the way it goes. The process in it, while it may not strike the heart, it would make sense why it could strike another’s.

“You said it before too; they weigh you down” it was one of the first times that the blue haired man had ever seen a faltering expression on the Seer. He who always kept everything on the higher end of things.

It was irritating, teeth gritting to see even he fall. Even if Mukuro jested at him ever so often. 

“And you’re right. Kathy doesn’t.. she doesn’t deserve” if he looked enough, he would see Ian mouth out ‘me, a person like me’.  “It’s unfair isn’t it?” he questioned himself why was he so quiet, almost surprised by the sorrow that was evident, transparent, clear.

‘you hate me too, don’t you’

It wasn’t as though Ian had said that, Mukuro felt as though that was being implied. Clenching his fist, he raised it up. Ian’s glance shot up, with an expression unreadable.

Almost as if he was saying ‘even you think so..’

Though, as soon as it came down, it was unclenched, a tap on his head. Ian could’ve sworn that Mukuro looked frustrated, but the face he wore now was a troubled smile.

“Ortega, you’re overthinking”

His tone was a little higher than usual, like if he was caught a little in the bushes, and laughing at the same time.

“I’m flattered you take my word as serious as it could get, but..” now he was really laughing, moving his hand to Ian’s shoulder “you need to cease your insistent thoughts of being the only fool here”

‘maybe you were more unsuited for the realms of loneliness’

Ian glanced at him, a little questionable.

Mukuro though, continued “This is why she chose you. two sides of the same coin, two similar idiots.”

“You don’t want to witness her faltering, and she doesn’t want you to fall either. Those red herrings that you both seem to miss so often, I’ll smack to you, all day if I need to.” it was almost as if saying he was experimenting her conviction when he had Ian slain. A mistake, but an act he was willing to put up with, to reach a new conclusion.

Odd eh?

“Show her wonderful, as you share love” better than me, at least. 

It was Ian’s turn to smack him in the head, ruffling his rather flat hair, Mukuro tried swatting his hand away. 

“You know.. even if you have no idea what you could mean, it’s really great to have a brother like you”

“Breathren is a heavy word, Ortega”

Ian then laughed. Yeah.. that was definitely a better expression.

If Mukuro looked with the magnifying lens that Merlin possessed, he might just understand what the strong hold love truly has. Perhaps he really has mellowed down to such an extent, that he wanted to carry on this duty of a brother.

“Something you’re more than capable to carry, Mukuro”

Emotions, yes, were not the best to have, but it was a necessity to keep shards. A balance between the extremes, otherwise the human race would’ve ended eons ago.

He began to wonder.

Was there a possibility for the Seer to remain a Seer, but still be held in the loving arms of care?

He wanted to configure that, make a pavement for him to cross. It almost sounds benevolent. They never said a broken person cannot stretch their hand to help a plate that was breaking. And, that’s what brothers do.