#idek why they’re friends with each other like maybe i’m awful for this but I’m really hoping their friendship ends

[mielgf]

do you ever speak to ppl and are just like… how do you navigate the world… with so little self awareness…

[jae-canikeepyou]

| temporary | j.jh

pair: jaehyun x fem!reader

genre: angst?? idek what else to describe what i wrote (nonstop) but yeah idk you judge :D

a/n: i don’t want this to flop just because it’s sad hours.. jk! there’s 7.1k words down there but hey, angst could be good, but i don’t think this is well written because the structure writing’s meh. so aNywHo i hope what’s below could touch your heart? pls lmk! enjoy reading! ~j

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

you hate this.

you hate the smell of some random sharp chemical scent stinging your nose, the bland flavours of each meal, the repeated uniform gowns put onto you like you were attending school again. well you were supposed to be until medical records showed you were sick. not dying but based on several incompatible matches and rejected cases to cure your condition, you knew the trail you stood on was heading there.

it was dreadful, knowing that the weeks turned to months— waiting sucked big time especially when you continuously had to cross out days without a specific date to look forward to.

“don’t worry y/n. this is all temporary.” was the only sentence your brother told you.

you hoped all this would be a hurdle to jump over, like another race to finish. running along the track line had its perks. you get to challenge yourself at the endurance you have while the time ticked and caused a rush of exciting adrenaline. the audience were cheering too. the downfall?

you were tired.

to the point you wanted to stop this illness so you wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. the track drawn out for you was neverending.

here’s the good part though,

jaehyun was with you all since the day you arrived, and cheering for you too— like your own personal health companion. the encounter with him was amusing now that you recalled it.

( three months ago )

you sat comfortably on the bed, still adjusting to the new yet familiar setting. “change into this gown, and i’ll assist you to the doctor once you’re done.” nurse kim, better known as jisoo, patted your shoulder before she tended to others in need.

“thank you.” you mouthed, throat still sore from crying because you didn’t want to be back in the hospital. though you really felt fatigue consuming you and energy was vacuumed out of your system, you forced yourself to change anyway.

not until your peripheral spotted a young man opposite from you stared at your body that was half way to exposing. he knew you were about to react, so he rushed to cover your mouth and managed to muffle out a scream trying to escape your lungs. “shhh! please don’t!” he pleaded and gosh how melodic his voice was for a baritone.

thank heavens this man was ethereal, or else you would’ve smacked him with your fists like any other stranger intrusion. he finally let go of you knowing you’ve calmed down. “hi? i’m sorry if i came off as perverted but i mean no harm! i’m friendly!”

“well hello friendly.” your sarcasm on point. “what are you doing in my side of the i.c.u.? there’s a curtain surrounding my corner and how did you get in here without my knowledge? i should be able to notice you either way.” you hugged your torso.

he crossed his arms at the tone of your voice. ”it’s jaehyun. my name’s jaehyun.” he corrected and sat at the end corner of the bed. “that’s kinda hard for me explain.”

“what’s hard to explain-”

“it’s like how it is to a math solution.” he said, his body adjacent to the window. “go on and change. i won’t look.”

you rolled your eyes and kicked him off of the bed. “ugh you’re a pain. i’ll be more assured if you’re out of here.” you took off your clothes and into the new fabric and observed his back figure. he had toned muscles denting slightly under his denim pajamas and white home slippers. he didn’t leave, just kept his word by not peeping at you.

the bed creaked softly alerting him of your finished action. “ah, you’re done!” he exclaimed and turned around in interest.

“what business do you have here if i may ask?” you went to the extent of covering yourself with another pillow.

jaehyun hummed as he rubbed his chin, dimples hollowing and prominent stubbs pricked his fingers. “i’m looking for something i left. it’s a keychain.”

“couldn’t you just go to the lost and found section?” you asked, shooing him away while you scrolled down your phone. again he didn’t leave. “how long are you staying?”

a sly grin crept his face. he leaned closer to you as if he were to kiss you. “as long as you want me to-”

“gross!” you slapped him but he read your actions, stopping your from pursuing. “just find the damn item and leave!”

“fine sheesh.” he shrugged and began searching it under the bed, crawling around to see if it was there.

boredom soon came and you tried to clear your mind from what just happened. you went to the camera icon to take a picture of him to show to your best friend. the viewfinder captured his fluffy hair, side profile with his dimples stapled to his cheeks. his lips were pursed and brows were scrunched. as you sent it, you laid back inclined to the bed, waiting for him to say ‘eureka!’ or ‘found it!’.

but he said neither.

your phone dinged soon enough that your eyes widened.

[09:03] yuna: did you see a cockroach crawling again? if yes then you’re a bad photographer 😆

you let out a long “ha?” and jaehyun looked up to see your face as sour as it could get. “what’s wrong?” he asked and sat next to you as if you both were close already. his face turned blank when his eyes looked at the phone, and he knew you saw his change of expression.

“this is what i mean it’s hard to explain.”

there was a long silence and then it hit you. it wasn’t sheer panic bubbling your lungs or fear overpowering your mind. more of a fascinated shock of a revelation. “y-you you’re—”

jaehyun smiled embarrassingly, scratching the nape of his neck. “yeah.. i’m a—”

“a ghost.” “an angel.”

“what? no! i’m not a ghost!” he shifted on the bed, furthering away from you at the comment. “ghosts haunts people. angels protects people.” his hand gestures explaining his current identity was hilarious.

the phone was on low power mode so when it dimmed, you tapped on the screen, the picture you took show no one but the floor and the bed’s corner. and you haven’t laughed in a while, this jaehyun was entertaining when he defended. “pretty sure that’s not how i encountered you earlier. you scared me.” you raised a teasing brow.

“it really wasn’t my intention.”

the sigh he let out made you laugh more, his surrendering whine would stay in your head forever. “were your wings removed, jaehyun?” you asked. “can other people see you? or am i the only one who can see you? oh wait. this is a million dollar question.” you brought your hands together and he definitely wasn’t amused. “are you even alive?”

he flicked your forehead and you swore there was a red mark on it. “yes. yes—well only children— yes. and.. no.“ he said softly, the latter expressed in sorrow and his shoulders slouched low. “i woke up at the rooftop of the hospital one day because of this soft blanket hugging my back, they were my wings. i knew i wasn’t alive anymore. so when i came to accept it days after, i wanted to try out flying around the city and jumped off the hospital grounds and i fell instead of flying.”

“pfft! what you get from trying out something you ain’t familiar with, fallen angel.” you covered your mouth in realisation but jaehyun wasn’t agreeing with your assumption. “literally you are?”

“i’m not that type of angel. maybe i have some unfinished business, i don’t know. but i’d like to think i’m an angel!”

you hummed, convinced enough at this event. “ah maybe because you left your keychain? that’s counted as unfinished.”

another strong flick numbed your forehead. “no? we can’t bring stuff to heaven.” he gurgled at your innocence. “you’re going to help me find the solution to gain my earthly memories and my unfinished business so i can go to the other side.” jaehyun held your hands, the grip strong yet soft all at the same time.

“why me?” you exchanged looks from him and the view outside. “i’m no expert in this field.”

jaehyun’s eyes twinkled; not in awe but in desperation. “you are the only person who can help me. i can’t rely on children because.. they’re children and they’re so young.”

well that’s common sense, y/n.

“i’ll help.” not knowing why you agreed, but your heart just ache for this beautiful man. he couldn’t remember how he passed, he seemed desperate too, and needed someone to talk to. maybe you could fill in that role before the time came for him.

“thank you!” he had his fists clenched, twirling around as he yelled out the window. “i haven’t gotten your name yet.” his hands fell faintly onto yours, almost a tingly feeling.

“y/n.” you took his hand for a shake, holding onto it dearly. “i’m y/n, nice to meet yo-”

suddenly, his lips kissed the area where he flicked you. “well my dear y/n..” he smiled. “..consider this contract signed. there are conditions, but we can discuss that later.”

life in the hospital starting today wouldn’t be too boring. he stood beside the bed with the most starstriking smile you’ve ever seen, celebrating his awaited desire. you befriended jaehyun and he wasn’t a patient or part of the medical staff. he looked at you with bliss; the sun illuminated from behind him and that really confirmed it..

no, he wasn’t a ghost. he was indeed a spirit.

or angel. he’ll probably prefer that way.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

your brother became more protective than he usually was. straight to the hospital for you was added to his tight schedule and even then he was able to find time to care for you despite that. if you were to talk about the best big brother in the world, he was definitely the first place even in another life.

“guess who’s here.” taeyong cooed and pulled the curtains as he entered your area in the i.c.u. he found it strange when you didn’t greet him with your handshake nor a smile.

he sighed quite heavily at the bowl prepared for you, it turned cold and he placed his bags on the chair beside you. “hey kiddo, you have to eat something, yea?” he brushed your strands away to see your welling eyes looking at the distance outside. the window was the only thing separating you and the world.

most of all, your social life.

taeyong looked back to the day at campus two years ago; he remembered how he rushed to the university clinic after his lecture, stumbling as his legs gave in seeing you with the same pained expression. he should be used to the sight, but each time you end up in a place he never wanted you to be in, it was like seeing it for the first time.

he also remembered how his eyes trailed to your arms that rubbed your mid back. the nurses calming you with words of encouragement that you’d be fine. you didn’t like how you caused him so much worry, maybe one more push he’d be exploding into flames because you weren’t getting any better.. or probably he’d lose some hair because of the stress.

“i.. don’t want to eat.” you weakly pushed the tray on the mini table above your thighs. “i’m sick of this place and i’m sick of being sick. i just wanna go home.”

he knew that certain voice you have which made his heart sunk, but he knew you too well that you missed his cooking. “i know, but it’s short-lived, your condition is curable and you staying here is temporary.”

uh-huh.. that word again.

“and i made you these.” the cushion of the bed lowered due to his weight, making you shift to him. “fried corndogs. added a little twist to it with johnny’s help with the sauce. eat it before nurse jisoo arrives.”

at the corners of your eyes, jaehyun’s lips puckered at the sight of food. this caused you to save a box for him. you gave him a wink and set that aside. you could feel his figure arching to sit next to you as he began eating his share.

“you’re more afraid of her than i am.” you teased taeyong, finally smiling. “get her number already or else i’ll tell her how you’ve been crushing on her since forever.”

“forever’s an exaggeration, sis.” taeyong picked the stick and handed it to you. “it’s only been three months.”

“and three months means your cowardice is really preventing you from doing that.” the crunch from the dish made him tickle you in all vulnerable places and you rolled your eyes remembering the warning of your body’s strength exertion.

jaehyun nodded in agreement, licking the mustard that stained his fingers. “yeah, that’s a coward right there. can i give him lessons?” he stated, and you nearly choked in giggles.

taeyong then checked his watch, pecking you a kiss which got you forming questions at the back of your head. “oh the time.”

you gently placed the devoured stick into the box and dove in other sticks for seconds— or thirds. “you’re leaving? you just got here.”

he gave a wink and tugged the curtains. “not yet. i’m doing what you suggested me to do.” he gestured his palms, indicating that he would attempt to actually get her number. “she’s gonna be off duty in five. later honey.”

focused on the meal, you waved at him as you continued eating. jaehyun scooted closer to you. both enjoyed the meal and he hummed a song; something he would do when his palate craved food from the world. “i still find it unbelievable that taeyong couldn’t see me.” he giggled while the crisp sound of the batter synchronised with yours.

“you mean how you’re finally able to eat actual food each time he comes here.” your voice almost bursting into laughs of mockery, but held them in since jaehyun has been helping you as well. he nudged you gently and ever so sweetly, a toast cheer from your meals.

“yeah, but it’s because we have connection y/n, i’m able to eat solid food. so thank you.”

being locked in an all white room prevented you from going outside, that was fine since jaehyun was there with you, you wouldn’t be that bored. the pact you created with him was so simple that you could memorise it in a second. his requests were you both would be together everyday, cater to each other’s needs, eat and watch some series he missed out or discontinued.

and in the three months being with him, days were getting better. he actually knocked down the walls of your thoughts of hopelessness, encouraged you during your sad hours and hyped you up when you have some rehabilitation sessions. medical staffs were shocked that for someone whose condition was clearly on the verge, the will to live was written all over you.

jaehyun appreciated the ideas you’ve given him; memories or events that he might’ve forgotten, or any category he used to love like sports / music. he mentioned he knew how his family looked like, but not their names nor his home address. so he couldn’t visit them. though there was little progress and countless of bickers regarding the matter, you both were getting somewhere on each ends. and in the midst of it, you had each other as support.

“does your family or ancestors have some kind of gift?” he sunk down with you at the inclined bed rest. “while taeyong might not have it, you do?”

“maybe, but i’m not sure. we don’t talk about these things.. of the unknown, ghosts and spirits and-” your jaw dropped when he bit the remaining half of the corn dog from the stick you held. “jaehyun!”

“how many times do i have to tell you i’m a guardian angel?” he immediately rebutted your clumsy referral while chewing deliciously. “specifically yours, so don’t deny my role for you.”

your heart skipped beats. the claim he just did was heartwarming, and it was the first he said anything nice since your introductions months prior. “w-who said you’re my a-angel?” you batted your lashes.

jaehyun pointed at himself and disappeared to somewhere you do not know where he’d go considering he wasn’t familiar within the city. at night it was always like this, at 8pm sharp, he’d leave without saying goodbye, leaving you alone. then he would return the next day, greeting you with the same smile. maybe being an angel had its curfew too?

but as the sun rose the following morning and the colours merged into the prettiest pair the city ever witnessed, jaehyun anticipated the minute he sees your eyes slowly opening then adjusting to the light of the day. your calm beauty had him awestruck. he never felt this way before, more so, it was the first since he became a spirit.

come on come on come on, he stared at the hand of the clock, just one more second—

“hey.” he froze once he heard you and hesitated to turn around. “this is a new look on you.”

jaehyun shyly did so anyway, ears red that his planned surprise for you ended up failing. “do you like it?”

the long hums of your morning voice was more nerve-wrecking than waiting for the time to reach its end. “like? i love it! you look fresh!” you complemented him in all honesty.

until today, he wore the same denim pj’s and lets not question whether he does change. what struck you was that he wore a simple white tshirt with denim jeans, pairing them with a brown suede ankle boots. that wasn’t the key point of his fashion today.

rather, he topped his attire with costumed angel set; a halo and wings. when a proud smirk appeared, it got to you that he was really handsome. “sweet. oh i got you breakfast.” he tossed two sandwiches, carefully wrapped yet your nose could smell its delish filling.

“thanks.” you accepted them. “i didn’t know angels have their allowances.”

“we don’t. i used your cash.” jaehyun said, playing with the change coins. he flinched for cover, your hands in attempt to hit him.

you pinched his cheeks with the support of his hollowed dimples. “i told you to tell me if you’re going shopping with my money! is the costume included too?”

“i was supposed to but it seemed like you were having a nice dream!” he poked your forehead and there was no chance to fight back because for one, it was part of the contract. “and i’m sure it’s a nice one..” he trailed off, pointing at the small drools on your pillow.

his dimples started to show and you couldn’t resist its existence. “be thankful you’re really cute. anyway, did you ask children to do it for you again?”

jaehyun scratched the nape of his neck. “yes, and i treated them in return. who are you texting?” he hovered over you.

your lips straightened to a flat line. “i’m talking with jinho. he said he’s coming but you know men, they sometimes break promises. he’s probably not going to come again today.”

jaehyun didn’t know why his heart squeezed, if it was for how you were treated unfairly or if it was just him. he wasn’t in the position to feel this way towards you. yet because it was you— someone he spent three months with— he thought maybe it was normal to have such feelings. he visits you every single day, cared for you, be with you when your boyfriend not once ever did.

the thing was, did he have the right to keep these unexplainable bubbles of emotions in his gut? it wasn’t like you belonged with him anyway. just why did jaehyun hate it when your lips utter jinho’s name when he never acted like your beloved?

“why are you still with him when he doesn’t show affection for you?” jaehyun pat your head in comfort.

“maybe because i love him.” you typed on the screen to message him, yet stopped a while when he said those words. he was right, if jinho truly loved you, he’d be here already. so you stayed silent instead and divert the conversation. “oh this can help your memory! about love! did you perhaps have a girl-”

*zing!* sharp stings pierced and came to jaehyun’s temples like arrows.

he held the pain in as he didn’t want to worry you. “i’m gonna head out for a bit, y’know fresh air.” he swallowed his own saliva, hoping you didn’t hear it. he didn’t mean to be rude and disappear at you like that. his chest squeezed again at the thought of you with someone else.

he didn’t know what love felt like until now.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

it was unexpected.

jaehyun never imagined he would fall for you so soon, or ever thought of you nothing more than a friend who’d help him go to the other side. if he had to describe the relationship you both have, that’d merely be a boss-client kind of thing. yet he still knew that there was a connection despite him not being human anymore. there were frequent playful nudges and he waited half a year to be able to communicate with people. you were special.

special in a way that you treated him like he was alive again. you didn’t care about whether people would give you stares as your silhouette seemed like you were talking to yourself or someone they couldn’t see in the naked eye, or how nurse jisoo and taeyong would ask why you didn’t eat all of your meal only to save the other half for him. he was spoiled by you, where it was supposed to be the way around. sometimes he wondered if he was the right angel to look after you. in the end, it was him who initiated the contract and you complied without hesitations.

as if he were to watch a movie— except he wasn’t— pictures flashed before his vision, from a blurred quality to a clearer one. it was short, yet it was not enough to tell him what they were. maybe it was a memory, but he couldn’t put the scenes together.

he rubbed his eyes and felt the light gust of wind from children running through him with a ball in their hands.

then another fragment came to his sight, the sting of his temples ache like ones in the room. bright lights from the memory have blinded his eyes before it was replaced by the sun’s rays.

what the heck? he thought.

—

jaehyun kicked the stones that were separated from the cracked concrete ground. the way the stones rolled was identical to his churning stomach. he wondered how you were doing and later smiled to himself when he saw you waving at him from your window.

his palms were brought out to wave back except your lips didn’t utter his name. it was jinho, who happened to behind him; holding flowers.

of course.

he forgot about it for while; you have a boyfriend.

by this time he started to question if angels or spirits actually do have feelings; romantically. televisions never specified this fact. taeyong appeared in his field of view, who successfully asked jisoo out on a date. since when did hospitals served as a love spot? clearly his mood changed, but seeing you noticing him and waved at him, he decided to apologise for cutting you off earlier.

and he wished he shouldn’t have entered the i.c.u, from the door entrance the curtains were slid to the bedside. you were embraced in his arms, held onto dearly. he saw the tears rolling down your cheeks. a bouquet of flowers wrapped around your fingers. not wanting to intrude or ruin the moment, he turned around to give you space. it was your personal life after all.

he thought that maybe if he were alive, would things turn out differently if he met you? he would probably treated you better if ever.

jaehyun leaned against the door frame of the i.c.u. the human him would tell him he was definitely heartbroken witnessing that. he was supposed to be happy for you; you were improving mentally, recovering physically even if it was slow. your boyfriend finally visited you.

speaking of the said person, he felt jinho’s figure leaving the room, brushing past and through him. so he looked back at you, who was staring at him with a weak smile.

were you okay?

then tears brimmed at the edge of your eyes.

yeah, you definitely weren’t okay.

“y/n?” jaehyun called out and approached your bed, being the curtains to a close and sitting beside you afterwards. “what’s wrong? why did jinho leave so soon?” he pointed.

your face went pale and though ordinary people would know it was due to the illness, jaehyun knew it was about something else. he held your hands, pulling you gently for a hug. it was still funny if you think about it; how you could hug an angel physically. “we called quits. it was mutual though, don’t be too shocked.” you fixed your chin onto his shoulder and felt him tense at the revelation.

“why? you wanted him to come over and he did. you should be happy.” jaehyun stared into your swollen eyes, cupping your jaw to wipe the fallen tears away. “he gave you flowers, hugged you.. what’s lacking?”

“that wasn’t a normal hug.. it was a parting one. jinho told me he couldn’t take it.” you began, leaning more into his touch. “he doesn’t like that he’s incapable of helping me get through all this. seeing me suffering was too much for his heart.”

jaehyun’s fists balled and you could see them shaking. his eyes turned darker the more you explained. “so he was thinking of himself more than he thought of you?” his tone raised and you flinch at the volume. “where’s the mutual in that, y/n? you agreed to his selfishness even if you’re hurting so much?”

“it is mutual jae.” you sniffed, sitting up properly to expound further. “for the past three months i’ve been wanting him to come here because i wanted to break up with him. i wanted to tell him that he should get used to..” your voice trembling and jaehyun held you close. “..that he should get used to not having me around anymore. i fell out of love. so if there’s anyone who’s selfish, it’s me.”

“what.. are you saying?..” he asked softly. “it sounds like you’re giving up.” referring to your existence around the people you love. “are you giving everything up? all we did to improve your condition?”

a sob escaped your lips and you covered your face because you couldn’t look at him in the eye as you answer. you didn’t like to appear weak to him than you already were. “jaehyun, when you disappeared, the doctors came and said there was no kidney donor. it’s finalised. they’ve contacted local and overseas hospitals and none were of my match. i’m getting sicker each day and i really appreciate the motivation you’ve given me and there’s nothing left in my soul to fight any longer.”

“no no no no. please me tell me you’re not serious, y/n.” he begged. “tell me that you’re going to rethink about it and have the will to live. tell me that what we both signed up for will not go in vain. we worked hard together. we helped each other, we went through thick and thin. tell me that your decision is not permanent.”

“and what? you’re going to tell me my condition’s temporary too? if yes then you’re just like taeyong and nurse kim jisoo.” you laid back down and stared at the window.

jaehyun was about to speak when you started to sniff again. “everything that’s happening to me is always temporary.. nothing ever stays.. no one ever stays.. taeyong’s visits are limited, my personal nurse is always busy.. and what hurts me the most is that our time together is temporary too. soon enough you’ll go to the other side.. you’re only the friend i have now.”

“hey..” he cooed and now laying down beside you, wrapping you in his arms as you sunk more onto his chest. “..don’t say that. i-i’m still here.” even if he said that, jaehyun knew that that was false; that day would actually come, he just didn’t know when.

you turned to face him and hugged him tightly, sleep starting to get to your system. “when i met you, you became more of a boyfriend than jinho ever did.”

he caressed your back and you could feel the vibrations from his soft laughs. “look, i’m sure jinho did his best to be your boyfriend. and if i was your boyfriend.. well you’re talking about a guy who hasn’t gotten a single clue of who he is nor have his memories returned. my unfinished business is still a blank page. it may look temporary now but i guarantee you, i know you’ll have that new transplant, it’ll be-”

“that will never come.. i’m dying, jaehyun.”

jaehyun hummed in disagreement. he was fuming but he tried his best not to show it, that will contradict with his role of being your guardian angel. “tsk, say anything further i’m really gonna flick your forehead.”

you chuckled since it reminded you about the first day. “i mean, if i don’t make it, that would mean i get to be with you. it’s not temporary anymore, right?”

he bursted in scoffs of disbelief and you could tell he was playing around at the same time. “what? do you wanna be with me so much?” he questioned, flicking your forehead. “i wouldn’t mind having a side kick though.”

“i’m kidding, but truth to be told, you’re the best angel anyone could ask for.” you fixed the crooked halo headband for him. “no wonder children loves angels.”

“you’re acknowledging i’m an angel now, huh?” he messed your hair. “if children loves angels, what about you?”

*zing!* jaehyun shut his eyes closed. an unclear image of him locking his phone; its wallpaper of him and his parents.

tsk why am i feeling this again—

“i’ll say yes if that’s what you want to hear.” you challenged. jaehyun squinted his eyes open, to you it was pretty obvious it was what he wanted to hear.

jaehyun pinched your cheeks to awake you from reality, once again setting the memory aside. “we can’t date. i don’t want to be a rebound.” he stuck out his tongue, making you mirror the same. “you’re human, i’m an angel.”

“technically a ghost but i’ll take it as a self-proclaimed angel.” you shrugged, a curve appearing at the corners of your lips. “anyway, should we continue watching-”

the curtains separated which made you and jaehyun jolt in shock. “y/n!”

taeyong’s voice echoed the room, glad that most patients were asleep and he threw himself onto the bed. jaehyun got up, letting your brother hug you. “they were wrong!” he cried in tears of joy.

“they messed up your records. your condition was identical with another patient’s!”

you saw jaehyun giving him a look you think would pass as a meme. “what is he saying?” he asked.

“what are you saying?” you blinked several times at his shaking hands and hoarse hiccups.

“you have a donor!” he exclaimed.

jaehyun’s smile grew and as he walked towards you, he held your hands to squeeze them in congratulatory. “well, what did i say y/n? told you it’ll come.”

the pain on his temples faded it always did, but it was something he experienced quite often in the past days. he couldn’t figure what it was.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

almost everyone in the room observed how anxious you were, the fiddles of your fingers and the constant biting of your lips that they could bleed any moment now. you were moved to a new room and jaehyun poked your cheek to gain your attention and to snap out of your daydream. a satisfied grin plastered on his face when your eyes locked into his.

you thought maybe the heavens probably heard his words. last week, he did say the transplant would come, and it did. soon later, you would be having an operation; a new kidney to function. you waited for this for so long that just thinking about it, you’d probably cry again.

seeing jaehyun stare into the panorama of the city before him had your chest tightening. it wasn’t good nor bad..maybe you were just nervous that the reality of all this was actually happening. he was glowing compared to most days; and it’s not due to the sun adding extra illumination to his figure. it was like the first day, his greeting was awkward but it became something you’d never forget.

the medical staff left after briefing you, injecting anaesthesia so you could meet your slumber. taeyong messaged he would try to arrive as soon as he could, and you were assured by the time the operation’s done. now the room was silent, all you could hear was jaehyun’s shoes clicking on the marbled floor. his hands grabbing yours to comfort you.

“scared?” he asked with faint dimples trying to boast. you nodded. “you shouldn’t be. you’ve waited for this for so long. everything’s gonna turn out fine for you. and i’m here, guarding you as usual.”

you wrapped your arms around his neck, and he responded by holding your waist, sinking in deeper into the embrace. “i’m not scared now. i don’t know how different it’d be if i hadn’t met you- well, you introduced yourself first before i did, so..”

your eyelids suddenly began to drop, the drug soon kicking in. “y/n, when you come out of that room, only half of the contract’s completed. there’s still mine to go.” he said, laying you gently on the bed.

“i know. it’s just everything seems to happen so fast.” you admitted sadness, because that always was in your head since the news broke to you.

“do you have any questions before you sleep?” jaehyun propped his elbow onto the side table, fascinated how you were still trying to keep yourself awake just to converse with him. “about me. because who knows if you would remember me once you’re conscious again.”

“why would i forget my angel?” you giggled, eyes closing. “hm.. i was going to ask you this but you ditched me haha.”

“oops. sorry about that.” embarrassed, jaehyun rubbed his chin just recalling that day.

“i wanna know if you knew how love felt like. do you remember?”

*zing!* red lights circled around in a container orbit, its center rotating as if it was signalling.

jaehyun was stunned and out of words for a while. the same feeling came flushing to him as you both talked about love before. of course he knew what love was. you made him remember. love was like sailing on a boat at the open ocean before stumbling upon something so beautiful that you couldn’t take your eyes off of. “yeah i do. why?”

although you felt that you’re close to drifting to dreamland, an urge in you wanted to tell him why. “because you asked me if i ‘love’ you.”

*zing!* the clock striked 8. it doubled and tripled in vision, moving in a static way.

jaehyun felt dizzy and nauseous. please just stop..

holding the stinging pain in and ignoring it, he leaned closer. “do you now?” he asked, a sly smile creeping his mouth. “if you’re to ask me, i do love *zing* you.” he heard you manage to let out a giggle. “i love to enlighten you when you’re down. i love talking with you and stealing your food. basically just everything about you.”

“hm, same. like platonic love.” your hands find your hold his.

“mhm. platonic.. lo-” he paused due to the continuous throbbing, and gave you a little squeeze despite the hurt he had been feeling recently. hesaw how you didn’t reply, your breaths heaving softly and calmly. his smile broke out as this always happened whenever you held onto him.

what he couldn’t say out loud was that what he felt for you the entire time wasn’t a platonic love.

he really loves you like you’re his.

—

heavy pain awoke you from unconsciousness. you tried to open your eyes without letting the light blinding them. the first person you saw was taeyong and jisoo, their bodies almost covering your pan of view. your eyes craved to see jaehyun, your chest drummed fast when you couldn’t.

taeyong looked worried, brushing the strands from your face. “are you okay? do you feel any pain?” his palms caressed your face.

you didn’t answer, yet the tears wanting to fall have met its end. jisoo quickly left to find the surgeon and taeyong followed to fill in paperwork. where was jaehyun? why wasn’t he here with you? he always appear before you as soon as your eyes flutter open. you were so used to seeing his face and that you were assured he’d be there.

more than two hours have passed and jaehyun still hasn’t shown himself. so far into the day, you’ve eaten porridge, changed a new set of clothes, had a few conversations with taeyong and jisoo, and watched the series alone. even then you waited for him to come. now you were left alone briefly again. you tried to sit up or incline the bed.

“if you needed help, call my name. did you forget me already?” jaehyun’s body assisted yours by acting as a support. “you shouldn’t move too much, y/n.”

jaehyun felt his torso like he was hugged by a koala. “i thought you’re gone. i didn’t see you when i woke up..” your voice soft and hoarse.

“i was here the whole time, behind jisoo and taeyong.” he said, puzzled by how late you noticed him.

“stay with me for a while.” you requested, and he followed. “i love how you’re always here.”

again, sharp stings hit his temples. fragments of past memories came flushing to him. they were still monotone, but this time they were clear enough to see what they were trying to portray. was it how he passed? there were people pumping his chest, people holding his hands dearly.

even without seeing his face, you could feel jaehyun was uncomfortable. he didn’t know why the pain was frequent. “is something bothering you, jaehyun?” you pulled away, and you were shocked to see him switching from solid to translucent; like he was flickering. “hey, why are you-” you reached out for him, but your hands failed to hold his. they passed through him like he was gas. you couldn’t feel him anymore.

“y/n..” jaehyun gave a painful look, something you’ve never seen before. “i think i’m fading.”

you arched your brows and lips parted at that certain sentence you thought you’d hear in the far future. “why? our contract is not done yet.” you replied, still attempting to at least touch him again. “we have yet to find your unfinished business.”

jaehyun knew what this meant. he knew what was happening. he felt stupid for not telling you sooner. “maybe it’s already revealed, i just haven’t acknowledged it.” he saw his limbs flickering then fading, taking turns of the two. he was worried, but he somehow felt safe.

it was hard to understand what he was trying to say. each word that came out of his lips were shooting your heart like daggers. you clenched your clothes by the buttons of your pajamas, tears forming then falling. “w-what do you mean? are you leave-” you quivered though you didn’t want to show it. “how long have you known?..” the reality of it now seeping into you.

“i’ve known and realised it for a week now.” he said, forcing his lips to smile, to appear unaffected. “whenever the word ‘love’-” he groaned at the pain again, bending down slowly. “..’love’ is mentioned, i feel this rush of mixed pain and happiness. i think it’s related to what i have left here on earth.”

“i knew you were acting strange, but i thought it was nothing because you’d looked fine.” you asked, trying to get off the bed to go to him. you wanted him to explain further because none of what he said was processing in your brain right now. “you seemed fine..”

“the reason why you could see me was because you’re the person who will make me remember what love is.” he held your face, and all you felt was a tingling feeling from his touch. “when i was alive.. i was a stubborn boy who only cared about himself. i never had a relationship, never appreciated the love my parents given me.”

“if you remember all this.. did your memory show you how you.. died?” you looked at him and he gave a smile, almost a parting one.

“yeah.. it was the first hint.. i was late for my basketball championship match. i was texting my parents to come to the game while crossing the street.” jaehyun chuckled, a bitter one and people could tell if they actually heard him. “i saw i was rushed to the ambulance, the sirens alerting everyone.. i was wheeled into the e.r.. i guess you know what happened next.”

then he broke down, arms bringing to his face. “..i couldn’t tell mom and dad i love them..” jaehyun weakly came forward, pulling you into his embrace. it was confusing that he could touch you, but you couldn’t. no matter how much you wanted to give him comfort like he use to do with you. he held onto you, as if he didn’t want to let you go.

“why didn’t you tell me what you’ve been feeling? why tell me now, jaehyun?” you tried to cup his face but to no avail they still went through it. you’re practically begging him to give you reasons why he had to hide it from you.

the shakiness his pupils did have shown he was scared. “i didn’t want you to feel sad about me. that’ll only destroy the joy from the news you received.”

your palms dropped to your thighs, breaths hitching and let out uncontrollable muted gasps. “i am sad now! i’m sad that you’re leaving me-”

his touch calmed you. “i never really got to say this because all we ever did was to support each other but.. i really, deeply, from the bottom of my heart.. thank you, y/n. you taught me how to love again, in the little things and..”

“jaehyun..” you sighed heavily and eventually cried with him, heart tugging your strings until they snapped.

“..and maybe that’s my unfinished business.” his smile was definitely forced.

and you did the same. “i’m glad i was able to help.. i’m glad you’re able to find what love is. but if you could love a person again, i’m sure they’re very lucky.”

hearing him let out hurtful laugh and sniffs became often as you told those words. “you are lucky you’re loved by an angel. i told you i love you, right?” his arms went through your body, then his entire body moved back like he was magnetised to something he waited for.

it was time.

you felt the same kiss on the forehead for the final time.

he saw how you wailed, craving for his embrace, like a child looking for a mother’s touch. what ached him was that you couldn’t see him anymore. the cries became louder, taeyong ran to you, thinking you were still hurt from the operation. he was an angel, he should be strong for you but all he felt was

hurt.

he shouldn’t have left your side at night. he should’ve stuck with you like glue. he wanted to spend longer time with you.

what hurt him the most was he should’ve known that three months was temporary.

your eyes caught sight of the man you stayed with you. because of him, you got to find out a lot about yourself when you were vulnerable, things that had to be dug deep in order to find that hidden gem. in the past minute you couldn’t see him. but now he was floating in the air, glowing more than usual. you smiled painfully because he still wore that stupid halo and wings, and the letters you’ve written that you hoped he wouldn’t see but he actually did.

taeyong and jisoo’s words of comfort did nothing on you, as you saw your angel jaehyun drifting further away from you. you reached out for him and he did so too and,

he smiled for the final time, tears visible and they rolled down his cheeks. “i love you, y/n. so so much.”

you cried harder and clenched onto taeyong, not caring whether it hurt him or not. your brother gave a confused look, shocked to see how much your frail body exert such sorrow.

“me too.” you wanted to tell him, yet it wasn’t close to a whisper.

you hate this.

you hate that the only person you’ve just grown to love departed from the tip of your wavering fingers.

you hate the word temporary.

[cursestothemoon]

Heyo! So this isn’t a request (bc I noticed they are closed :) ) but anyways, it’s an idea that popped into my head at 3 am (bc of my insomnia) to to chat about. so basically it’s a song fic based on the song from the Disney movie Hercules “I won’t say (I’m in love)” and like Fred and the reader are either like bffs for a really long time or they’re like enemies to lovers, and they fall in love but the reader is in denial about it and everyone is telling her that she’s totally like whipped for him but she’s like no. THIS IS SUCH A OUT OF THE BLUE IDEA IDEK IF ITS GOOD 😭, but anyways it’s just something to chat about if you’d like :)

dude let me tell you i loVE THE ENEMIES TO LOVERS TROPE ALRIGHT

ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE IS DENIAL

and i also love this song, this would be so much fun maybe

maybe

you should request it when requests open back up 

or maybe ill just

keep it in my arsenal 

...

but yeah everyone would see it and it would be so aggravating for everyone else because cOME ON

OBVIOUSLY YOU GUYS HAVE FEELINGS FOR EACH OTHER

and i think fred would be more 

rude

with his denial

like someone would make comment and you'd be there and fred would say something insensitive to prove that he most definitely has no feelings for the pretty girl that doesn't like him cuz that's embarrassing

and he’ll say something like, “Yeah right, my standards aren't that low mate. I’d just as soon shag a goblin.”

aW 

and y/n is just “ha ha yeah.” 🙂😕🙁☹️

and she starts not bothering him as much (she thinks its bothering) 

aND HER FRIENDS ASKING HER WHY 

AND SHES LIKE NOTHING ITS WHATEVER

AND SHES STILL IN DENIAL

BOOM

WE ARE BREAKING OUT INTO THE SONG

beautiful 

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

so i was reading one of those lame “10 red flags that are long term relationship no-no’s” or some dumb shit listicle articles where some points on the list are actually legit and some seem a little banal to a point. this one, being an example to also call out my 14/15 year old self for screaming at clear braces boy when he updated his relationship status and sent teenage me a relationship request back in 2010/year 9 (please mind that i actually didn’t hold the same feelings as he did. but it was one of those stupid forced high school relationships that a whole year group thinks should happen bc two kids just talk to each every fucking day because they’re J U S T G O D D A M N E D F R I E N D S for fucks sake):

like on some levels, sure. NOT going “public” on your relationship on social media could be a red flag.... but generally???? i don’t think it is, especially when so many of my old friends barely update their relationship statuses (like they have it hidden or still list themselves single bc like who cares, right?).... or even post photos/statuses of themselves with their s/o, unless it’s a big thing like buying a house/land for a house, getting engaged, their wedding etc at all anymore.

hell, it’d be hard for someone to “go public” on social media with me as a partner.... considering the fact that i’ve never bothered with making an instagram account. i’ve deleted my snapchat and don’t think “snap scores” etc count for anything in making healthy relationships. like how dumb can you be (unless of course social media is your job) basing your relationships on snapchat scores and/or instagram likes or doing couples social media challenges??? or retweet amounts??? like really??? that’s a fucking recipe for jealousy and couple self-doubt and comparisons etc right there, bud.

why document every part of your relationship on social media???? okay, sure. if they don’t post ANYTHING of you together; maybe that’s a problem for some people???? but honestly. i personally wouldn’t mind that. bc god. do we really need everyone nosing in on our relationship business, dude??? like really??? i don’t want people gossiping about us or whatever the fuck idek. or i don’t want to be that absolutely nauseating couple that posts photos on every social media platform like every fucking day or whatever being all “i love you so much babe you’ll always be my 🌏!!!!” to the point where like 90% of your friend/follower lists block you bc you’re just that irritating. basically this is what i went off at clear braces boy for in year 9 tbh.

just idek. i think the “not posting your relationship status on social media” and “not posting generally of you on social media” would differ person to person. bc i don’t need you to perform your love for me on my social media feed, bro.... like some dating show such as idek, love island? that’s not how you prove to me that we’re serious??? although i might get hate for this considering that i’ve never been in a relationship (bar the one mentioned above) so what would i know???

but at the same time, like it’s kinda banal doing these things by your mid20s right???? like i’m not 14 anymore. we should keep our relationship private bc you know how social media is these days.... even just generally even with people you know. like i sometimes play guessing games with who has a partner or whose broken up with their partners or whose getting married etc on my own fb feed or lurking through old friends who deleted me/never had me on social media in the first place profiles to see how they’re doing and who they’re dating (if they are). like..... it’s weird man.

and it’s even more concerning if you’re a social media person like a youtuber or a popular instagrammer (or instagram couple) or popular twitter account person or whatever. like people can be so fucking awful to famous people’s/accidentally famous people’s partners with like sending death threats or whatever..... that why would you even BOTHER posting about your relationships when you get those creepy asf fans doing that???? like idek man.

and finally when you think about those memes that say things such as:

- “yeah miss/mr he’s/she’s etc etc my world!!!! who’s your new “world” this week? like, damn bitch. are you building a fucking universe each week?”

or

- “gonna call up all my tinder matches at once to see if they’d like being on the bachelorette starring me!!”

or

- “tagging your crush in memes like “these cats are us: i’m the little cat and you’re the big cat” to drop MAJOR HINTS 😂🙃. am i right ladies????”

or whatever other garbage dating meme tweets that you can think of... because if you tag someone on them, on some level, you’re showing your relationship with the person anyway??? like obvs it’s not a lot. that’s a given. but people can read so deep into that sometimes and think you’re dating the person or something when in reality you’re just friends.

for example, i always get asked about two dudes who like/react to my fb statuses quite often and who i tag in memes often with “uh. yeah. what’s actually happening there???” by my best/close friends and i’m like “honestly? i have no idea. but i’ll keep you updated”. but if someone i’ve known for ages, but has never bothered to reach out to me for like 10 years, just randomly dropped me a dm to ask about this sitch i’d be like “yeah janina, thanks for your concern. but like.... we haven’t spoken in years???? idk why you suddenly think my love life... or even my life in general past “i hope she’s doing okay”.... is your business all of a sudden” like idk guys. social media is so fucking invasive and weird and toxic in so many ways to relationships that anything can be taken out of context. and don’t even get me started on the memories throwback function that could take you down some terrible roads (like if you were in an abusive relationship or something) if you never delete shit from your profile.

yeah. anyway. it’s bleh. and i don’t think that your partner not constantly updating your relationship on fb or being awkward about updating their relationship status or whatever the fuck, should be considered a red flag in some sense; and it can mean different things to different people. what i’m getting at is: why can’t we have privacy anymore?

people can feel free to call me shady or whatever. but i’m not being shady in any way, shape, or form. i’m questioning whether people really need to air their relationships in full (no matter whether they’re genuinely reciprocal and love filled; or unhealthy and unrequited- like my stalker back in years 11/12... and also clear braces boy).... and/or at the end of a relationship... air any or all of their dirty laundry through their social media feeds. it’s unhealthy asf that social media rules our lives that much. and that it seems almost to be a fucking requirement to share EVERYTHING about your life on social media to whoever, whenever. finally i’m saying that showing your love has become almost like a competition against other couples going “official” on different social media platforms by updating their rs status or tagging each other in their posts or writing corny lovey-dovey statuses with the starry eyed couple in a photo underneath. like ugh. i hate it.

[wondersbeyondcompare]

Some stuff

About Kodi and Majid’s parents that I was thinking about while making lunch the other day!  Really, this is just a poor attempt on expanding on the bois in general, but oh well! Thought it would be easier to put these thoughts in a separate post instead of adding to their profiles since this wasn’t directly relevant to them  (・・;)ゞ I guess?? dshgfjhdsf Honestly, I think this is more for me just so I can get some stuff straightened out. I’m pretty bad w/ consistency after all...

Majid’s Parents

EDIT (06/13/2021): Drew up some new headshots for Majid and Kodi’s parents! Hopefully they look a bit better than before!

Past me writing Majid’s bio: Yeah, keep the part about his parents vague;;; Idek what to do about that

Me on Monday rolling up some embutido for lunch: Hey, y’know what-

- Mother: Lara (won’t reveal her last name; when asked for it by Majid’s father, she jokingly suggested she take his last name instead) - Father: Kadir Ansari - Compared to Kodi’s parents, these 2 have much more info behind them b/c I have to explain both of their disappearances, so (・_・;) get comfy - Kadir---> Simple businessman in the Land of the Hot Sands; Made and sold jewelry for a living; Had a fairly small shop dedicated to his craft - Lara---> Runaway criminal from a land up north (if you ask me to clarify which country it is, I will cry;;; what does the Twst world even look like in the 1st place??)

 Didn’t kill anyone, but rather a string of robberies and prison escapes up her sleeve; had a large family that she had to provide for, unfortunately this landed her in a lot of trouble

- Lara snuck into Kadir’s place late at night by climbing in through his window

She was immediately asked to leave

Kadir eventually relented since she had nowhere to go/he already had a long day at work and didn’t want to argue

- Once Lara explained her situation to Kadir in the morning, she was asked to leave again.

After breakfast ofc

Use the shower if you want to, but don’t use up all the hot water

And he would give her some money and other basic necessities to use on the way, but (￣ヘ￣) that was it 

She really needed to go, tho; Kadir didn’t want to charged w/ harboring a criminal

- Lara begged to stay w/ Kadir, telling him in tears that she would do anything for him so long as he gave her a place to stay for the time being

Well... it wouldn’t hurt to have some extra help in his shop... and it would be heartless to kick a crying woman back on the streets, especially in broad daylight...

Fine. She can stay. But only for a little while, okay?

- When it comes to personality, Kadir is often seen as a serious man. He can become surprisingly raucous and joking w/ his friends and frequent customers, but otherwise, he was all business.

Has a fairly straightforward way of speaking; like Majid, he might come off as a little rude sometimes

His resting face makes him seem unapproachable at first, but he’s a pretty reliable guy

- Compared to Kadir, Lara has a more easygoing demeanor; fairly sly as well

Develops a habit of teasing Kadir once she warms up to him, either through her words or by constantly sticking close to him (this is probably where Majid got some of his clinginess from ngl); she wanted to see what exactly was behind that ever so serious facade

Kadir tries to brush her off most of the time, saying it’s not appropriate, especially in front of the customers; slowly becomes fond of it as time goes on

Tends to beat around the bush when she speaks; she won’t lie, but she won’t give you all the truth either

Oh! Yeah, and she’s pretty good at sleight of hand tricks too! :D These tricks seem to be a little more than just mere illusions at times, tho...

- Both of them are unbelievably stubborn (ah, yes, this trait comes from both sides of the family)

- They tend to butt heads a lot at the beginning; enemies to lovers 30k

- Speaking of tropes, these 2 probably become involved in a fake marriage thing so Kadir’s reputation doesn’t suffer when people see him bringing a strange woman into his house every night after work (*exchanging rings* “This doesn’t mean anything, okay? I just can’t have any more rumors.” “>:3c Okay, Habibi~” “... And don’t ever call me that in public, or I’ll pretend to not know you.”)

- It’s also a bit difficult for Lara to work at the shop at first

Kadir can be really picky when it comes to quality, and he certainly won’t lighten up on any of his wokers, regardless if they’re newbies or not

That and Lara can be heavy handed at times; knocking over display cases as she gestures to them and accidentally breaking parts of jewelry

I would love to say that she eventually gets the hand of everything, but :/ she really doesn’t; she’s entertaining to watch, though lol

- Once Kadir and Lara actually start falling for each other, they try to flirt in subtle ways, trying to get a reaction out of the other; or, at least, they think it’s subtle; oh gosh, their poor, poor coworkers ( ; ω ; )

- Lara might have had to wear some form of head covering/head scarf while working or out in public in general; her blonde hair and pale complexion makes her stick out like a sore thumb in a crowd, and she can’t risk getting recognized and taken back to jail again

- Majid... was an accident.

His parents were excited for his arrival nevertheless; Kadir would’ve bought a bunch of stuff beforehand like the worried father he was; Lara is happily spoiled w/ the amount of food she gets to eat during pregnancy (girl loves her food)

Once Majid was born, you bet he was coddled over; was often called Lara’s “little treasure”; Kadir was tempted to make Majid kind of like a mascot for his business, but decided that wasn’t professional (he really wanted to tho;;; thinks about it everytime he sees his son’s cute pudgy face)

- Lara was eventually caught and arrested; sent back to her home country for trial a few years after Majid had been born

Kadir leaves Majid w/ a trusted friend of his in order to attend Lara’s trial

He... doesn’t come back

The friend couldn’t afford to take care of Majid on his own, so he drops him off at an orphanage, promising to come back for the child once he had enough money to support them both

This man in particular works hard to set up his own appraisal/curio shop in the future and ohoho >:3c things are really coming together now

- Majid spent some time in the orphanage before escaping; he didn’t like how strictly everything was run

escaped enough times that the staff members soon gave up on him and let him roam free

surprisingly, no one (w/ a few exceptions) remembers baby Majid nor his parents; the Ansari jewelry shop was closed down and set up for lease the day Kadir disappeared; what happened in Lara’s trial was essentially a mystery, but perhaps the consequences of it could explain these odd events...

Kodi’s Parents

A bit shorter b/c these 2 literally had one (1) summer to themselves before creating the child, so there’s no slow burn here

- Mother: Colette Sepiama (Maiden name: Roussel; took father’s last name in remembrance of him)

- Father: Dimitri Sepiama 

- Co+Di= Codi (but, like, with a “K”)

- 1st meeting was a bit odd

- Colette was having a beach vacation, chilling as she collected seashells along the shore

And then some naked guy approached her, asking for help while sobbing his heart out

Didn’t want to find out what kind of “help” he needed, so she tried to power walk away, but he ended up tripping while following after her

Stared at the sad scene of a butt naked man crying into the wet sand for a couple of moments before wrapping him into a towel and paying a visit to the nearest souvenir store

He eventually calmed down enough to explain himself once he got the Hawaiian touristy shirt and khakis on (oh, gosh, now I’m getting Crowley flashbacks  (;;;*_*) make it stop-)

- Dimitri was part of a little “experiment” a friend of his was conducting, testing out various potions on him at any opportunity

Yea, they were a pretty messed up friend; at the very least, they made sure none of their potions would kill him outright

One of the potions gave him human legs (since he was a cuttlefish merman beforehand)

The trouble was: How does he turn back?

- They were the kind of couple who shares one braincell, spending the entire summer working together trying to figure out a solution to his predicament

Also, Colette lowkey thought Dimitri was lying about the whole cuttlefish merman thing, but since she thought he was kinda cute, she agreed to help him out

- I mentioned this before in Kodi’s profile, but I guess I’ll mention it again; Kodi’s pre-contract self was basically a male version of his mom

Basically, she was the type to always keep her emotions in check (well, it’s not as if she had a choice; she was awful at trying to show her emotions)

The type of person whose angry face and happy face were exactly the same

But she was kind enough and didn’t discriminate, even if the person she was dealing w/ claimed to be a mermaid from the deep sea

- In contrast to Colette, Dimitri is more like Kodi’s post-contract self

He cries;;; a lot

He’s just in a new and frightening situation, okay??  (╥﹏╥) And his human body was significantly shorter than his merman body, so everything is gigantic to the now smol boi; he often follows behind Colette because, even tho she’s taller than him, he finds her reassuring

Colette finds his personality cute; she likes being relied upon

- ahsghj I can imagine these 2 going on library dates, flipping through books and maybe falling asleep at some point as the setting sun casts an amber glow over them through the dusty windows, and it’s honestly the cutest thing

- Also, neither of them have magical abilities, but Colette’s grandmother did; it basically skipped a generation

This is why Kodi’s magic is weaker than others’, but he works hard to improve himself

- At the end of the summer, Dimitri is turned back

Turns out the potion only lasts for a certain amount of time :/ wow

They probably had some sort of tearful parting at the beach, w/ this time Colette breaking into tears instead of Dimitri

- Couple weeks after the vacation :D Colette finds out she’s pregnant

Realizes her relatives probably wouldn’t believe her if she told them the truth, so she fabricated a story about a simple meeting w/ a cute guy on vacation she hooked up with

I mean, she wasn’t technically lying about that

Bonus! Berenice’s Parents

A perfectly normal, perfectly boring family

- Cassidy is on the left and Argos is on the right!

- Since Berenice was based off the spirits in the whirlpool as well as the river Styx itself/herself, I searched up the parents of the goddess aaanndd

- Kind of?? Based them off Tethys and Oceanus??? Tho they are both of fairy descent; Cassidy is half and so is Argos, so maybe (´･_･`) that would work out? In terms of making a child of their own??? I didn’t want to go against the set fairy lore in stuff like Pixie Hollow, so-

- I always covered the tops of Berenice’s ears to avoid raising any suspicion of her true background, but, yea, they are slightly pointed as well. Much smaller than her parents, maybe abnormally so, but they are there (side note: if you saw me accidentally draw berenice w/ human ears (*⁰▿⁰*) no you didnt)

- They lived with Berenice in an area just outside of the Valley of Thorns called the Land of Lotuses, so there was a large fairy population here too.

- As such, Berenice never thought to question if the life she was living was considered “normal” in the eyes of outsiders. So you’ll often hear her describe her past life as boring and ordinary, both to make a person lose interest and just b/c she truly thought she lived such a life.

- I described Berenice as being an only child, but I never go into detail on what happened with her family after she died 🧐 Did she perhaps unknowingly gain another sibling? Or two? Or three???

- lol wait I just remembered I described them as getting up there in age. Maybe in human standards they were, but they were still considered like??? Middle aged??? When it came to fairies???

- They had no prominent influence in the Valley of Thorns nor in the Land of Lotuses, but they were both considered a respectable people involved in an overseas trade business when living in their old coastal town.

- Both settled down in the Land of Lotuses to raise Berenice and also to hide away from a scandal that ended up bankrupting their company but shshhhh

[vanchlo]

The Assistant / Chapter Twenty-Three, “Bleeding Heart”

hello hello. i’m so sorry that i’m an awful person and i haven’t written in a bahillion years. life has been wack and i fell out of writing for awhile. instead of doing homework like a good human being - yay! - i found this chapter i had started and i finished it. it’s not as long as usual, i know, but i did that on purpose and you’ll see why ;) ;) ;) ;) i hope i can write some more soon and stick with this. i’m unreliable i know and i’m terribly sorry. college and work are crazy and my mom was just diagnosed with 2 kinds of cancers soooo oooo life truly is crazy and overwhelming rn. i hope to maybe set aside some time each night to write, but it’s hard to stop when it’s getting fun haha. i enjoyed writing this chapter and delving more into this story, like idek where it’s gonna go haha.

anyways lemme know what you think of this chapter. i wanna hear your predictions and thoughts!!!!!!!!! reblog, like, share with friends, say hi to me :) 

one last thing. we should decide a ship name for harry and becks, i mean it’s been coming. here are my ideas and feel free to send me others :D 

a) hecks (my personal fav) 

b) barry (i just think of rachel’s barry from FRIENDS but it’s ok) 

c) hebecca????

d) ??????

e) hecky?

“No. No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO.

I try to breathe in, but I can’t.

And suddenly the switch inside of me changes. Instead of pushing him away for the last few weeks, I want him. I want him to come and save me. 

The laugh that falls from my lips surprises the both of us. “You can’t hurt me anymore.” 

The swarm of voices that crowded my ears from before is now gone. A soft chatter of voices occupies the conference room now, around an hour after the festivities had begun. Now the fun is over and the last few of us clean up the forgotten plates, take down the streamers donning the walls, push in the chairs, vacuum up the crumbs, and everything else required to return the room to its former glory. 

“Hey, you stop that,” somebody says from behind me. “This was yer party, yer not s’posed to be cleaning it up,” they finish as I turn around to find Harry pushing a lock of hair out of his eyes as he grasps a wet rag in the other hand. 

“No, I want to help. Please,” I reply, turning back to the table and picking up the spray bottle. I spritz the plastic top and run the wet rag over the spot, repeating in sections until I finish the table. 

“Fine, I guess you can help,” Harry huffs and I smile to myself in triumph as I return to my cleaning. “So, what did ya think?” 

“It was a lot of fun and very nice of all of you, thank you so much again,” I tell him trying to circumvent having a conversation. I move to the other end of the table as he begins on the next one over. 

A few male coworkers fold up the table to my left and carry it out the door, probably to place back in storage. My eyes life to find Harry leaning over the table he scrubs and he must notice my pause because he meets my eyes. But I can’t look at him, not today. 

“I’m glad ya had such a good time, ‘m sure everybody else did too . . Everybody’s going t’ miss ya, ya know,” he comments, and I nod with a small smile. I don’t know how much more of this awkward small talk I can put up with, especially as the domino that caused all of this is gnawing at my insides. Particularly the part where he could have stopped it coming to this. 

But he didn’t.  

The rest of the clean up consists of few words between Harry and I, or anybody else for that matter. We cleaned tables, folded them and carried them away, stacked chairs, vacuumed, packed things away, and carried more things away. The room was now bleak with its new emptiness and quiet, all of the people previously filling it returning to their lives. Luckily I found my escape shortly after the room was all squared away. 

“All done?” a voice asks me. I look over my shoulder and find Asher tying up a bloated garbage bag. My stomach drops all of a sudden with disappointment at who it is, and who it’s not. 

“Yep.” I nod. Then I feel bad for being disappointed. Oh it’s just a never-ending rollercoaster, isn’t it?

“I can’t believe you helped clean up. The whole point was having other people do stuff for you, and then you helped them?!” Asher laughs with a disbelieving shake of his head. He happens to pull a giggle from my unsure lips. I sheepishly nod at his words, and I give him another laugh when he almost trips over the garbage bag. 

“Are you on your way out now?”

“Yeah, I think so. I just have to drop off some last-minute things - keys and keycards, that sorta thing. But now I can’t find the person to give them to . . ,” I confess, losing my words as I scan the room for those green eyes and that mustard top. 

“Hmmmph, well it’s getting late. Maybe he left or had something. You could leave them with Myles or Jennings, I’m sure if you wanna get outta here. I know you’re just dying to get those drinks with me tomorrow,” Asher quips, turning my lips up with his words. 

I leave him with a few words, telling him I’ll see him later. I say goodbyes to a few people as I leave the conference room and begin my hunt to find Harry. One I’m not sure how I want to end. 

I find my desk empty and many others as well. Glancing at my watch, I find that the hours have flown by. Many people jetted out of here as it’s five o'clock on a Friday afternoon. The cushion welcomes me as I sit down in my chair for the last time, but I don’t miss its welcoming squeak. The squeaking continues as I spin my last spin in the chair, feeling hot tears at the back of my eyes at the finality of my actions. My mug of pencils- no, it’s not my mug anymore. It never was mine. 

A polar bear post-it note holder invades my -not my desk - along with framed pictures of strangers, a bright pink day planner, candy apple lotion, and other foreign objects belonging to the new owner of this desk. Who isn’t me. A long sigh leaves my lips as I release my hands I didn’t know I was clenching. 

“It’s now or never,” I say aloud, willing myself to stand. 

Okay, Becky, we can do this. This isn’t even the hard part. 

But it is, I think to myself as my eyes glance up and memories that took place at this desk spin through my head. Making Harry laugh for the first time. Silly arguments with him about which was the better movie. How easily he made me smile by bringing me coffee out of nowhere and- Stop, Becky, you can’t do this now, I tell myself as I swipe a hot tear away from under my eye. I exhale as I get to my feet and feel for the ring of keys in my pocket. Good, they’re still there. 

The hallway is dim, but the light from the London evening comes in through the many windows around the office. His hallway. A hallway I will never walk again. Fuck, am I really sure I want to do this? How can I not see him again? You can and you will. You have to, Becky. It was too hard sitting there day after day wanting him. And him not wanting you back. I nod to myself, trying to affirm those words to myself. They don’t do that good of a job, because of the person I see around the corner. 

“Oh hey, bug. A-are ya leavin’?” Harry stutters, his furrowed emerald eyes falling on me. He comes to a stop in front of me, running a hand through his mop of curls. 

“U-uh yeah. I was just going to drop off the keys with you and go over a few things.” 

“Yeah yeah, sounds good. I jus’ really gotta take a leak, so ‘ll be back in a minute, ‘kay?” He asks with a pat on my arm. I nod with a soft ‘okay,’ as I turn to watch him walk away. Nodding with a thumbs up, he gives me a small sad smile before turning around and walking down the hallway. I watch until he’s gone. 

Almost done. But now for the hard part. Leaving him for the last time, I contemplate with a pout. I shuffle my feet to his door and twist the knob. Immediately, his familiar woodsy scent hits me. Suddenly, all of my senses are inundated with him. His messy desk. His blazer draped over his chair. Bookmarked biographies dotting his desk. Empty mugs of tea taking up empty spots. The essential oil diffuser in the corner humming as it mists Sandalwood. Bach’s Cello Suite No. 1 trickling from a Bluetooth speaker in the corner. Harry. It’s all him. And my reserves begin to fall. Can I really do this? No, there’s no way I can. Even if I have to sit at that desk day after day trying to love him, it’s better than leaving him. 

Yeah, and then what about when he marries Amber or somebody else that’s not you? 

I gulp, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat and at the same time pressing my fingers against my eyes, willing them to dry. 

“Wow, are we getting a little teary-eyed on our last day?” a voice snarks from behind me. 

No. No. No. No. No. NO. NO. NO. 

I try to breathe in, but I can’t. 

And suddenly the switch inside of me changes. Instead of pushing him away for the last few weeks, I want him. I want him to come and save me. To save me from her. And to see her for the monster that she is. 

The laugh that falls from my lips surprises the both of us. “You can’t hurt me anymore, Amber,” I snap, turning around to face her with a wry smile coating my lips. 

“Oh I don’t know about that, I still can. But hey, I won, and don’t you forget that,” she retorts. Amber’s blonde curls shake as she stomps her foot and points a tanned manicured finger at me. How can he even comfortably hold hands with those daggers?

Her blow hits me, and she knows it. I can’t hide it, because I’ve lost it. The last few weeks or even months have taken everything from me. My grandpa dying, my mom’s abusive treatment towards me, Harry’s bipolarness, and Amber’s physical and mental attacks. I lost.

“I don’t care,” I croak, throwing up my hands in defeat. The keys on the ring twinkle with movement in my hand. 

“But you do! I know you do!” she cackles, excitement twisting her plastic face into a Cheshire grin. “You wanted him, but you couldn’t have him and so you gave up! I won!” Amber continues, stepping towards me in her flowy scarlet blouse and skin-tight black jeans. 

I instinctively step back and away from her, but I stop when I think I hear a noise. It’s a loud squeak on the floor that makes me stop, but it doesn’t stop right away. 

“I don’t care, Amber, you can have him! I told him what you did to me and he didn’t believe me because of whatever spell you put on him. So you can keep him and live a wonderful, happy life together. I don’t care anymore, and I hate that I ever did,” I announce with weight to my words, willing my feet to lift from the carpet, but they won’t. 

Amber chuckles, crossing her arms with a pleased smile of satisfaction painting her face. “I can’t believe you had the nerve to tell him what I did to you,” she mutters in disbelief, shaking her head. “As if Harry would believe that I’d do such a thing. He probably thinks you made it up. Hell, for all I know I never laid a finger on you and you just imagined the whole thing.” 

“You left marks on me, Amber,” I spit out through gritted teeth. 

“Yeah, and apparently that wasn’t even enough to convince Harry. God, I really do have him wrapped around my finger,” Amber sighs happily. “I can’t do anything wrong in his eyes. He hasn’t even noticed how much I’ve been gone lately, or how often I’ve been texting this new bloke I’m fucking on the side.” 

“You slut!” I exclaim, not being able to hold it in. “Harry loves you and would do anything for you! He built this firm from the ground up! He’s sweet, he’s kind, he’s giving, he’s funny- he’s amazing and that’s how you treat him?!” 

“Excuse me?! Who here was throwing themselves at my boyfriend right in front of me?!” Amber argues, taking another frightening step toward me. She’s no longer laughing, but instead, her drawn-on eyebrows have fallen into a point above her glassy stare. 

“How dense are you?!” I laugh, feeling the anger rise warmly in my chest. I really don’t care anymore. “You have such a huge problem with that - which never happened, thank you - but you think it’s okay to cheat on your boyfriend?! My god, you really are fucking dumb!” 

“You just had your last laugh, bitch, because I’m going to slap that smug smile right off your face,” she snarls, taking several steps before I can almost see the flames rising in her eyes. 

“No, you won’t!” a voice announces. 

I take my eyes off of Amber to see who said that, but it’s a second too long that lets her clawed hand accost my face. 

[red-sterling]

thanks for answering!! i hope you don't mind if i send more charas...how about green and/or lillie?

fhgjkfdg aw yea thank u!! hopefully this doesn’t publish before i’m done typing lol

also this definitely needs a readmore bc i got emotional abt Green oops

Green

favorite thing about them

first of all: the fact that Green canonically has a rivals to best friends arc with Red fills me with so much joy and YES they are on their alolan honeymoon you cannot convince me otherwise

okay like. gen 1 Green just perfectly encompasses what it’s like to be a ten year old in a way? like ofc he’s written like a kid bc he is a kid, but i feel like the writing on him just feels so genuine as compared to some of the other 10 yr old rivals you get in other regions. even though he’s kinda a brat at the start, he kinda eases up a bit as you go along your journey and starts giving you progressively nicer/more praise-y end lines when you beat him (going from “i picked the wrong pokémon!” to “so, you are ready for boss rocket!”) but still retains this childlike rivalry and competitiveness and i love that about him

and like. fucking beating him at the Indigo League still completely breaks my heart because even after he did become the champion at age 10 the first thing that happens is you beat him and Prof Oak just yells at him for being bad at things and like. ow. 

this is why i headcanon that Red actually took awhile longer to get to Green like please. please give my boy a chance to be happy and proud

also Red was caught up with Team Rocket anyway so i imagine he must’ve fallen a little behind at some point? anyway

the development on him across regions is so choice!!! he’s so much more mellow and even kinda melancholic when you find him in gsc/hgss, like he’s calmed down over a few years and he obviously misses Red so much but like, it’s clear that Red is kinda the reason Green does settle down and he seems to have worked on his character and become a nicer person - and he still has that sassy flair to him! he’s just got that gradual slope from asshole rival to kinda aloof gym leader to friendly/sassy battle legend and aaaaa i love my boy so MUCH

also huge point: he’s so fucking driven??? he’s got the most drive and the most passion for battles/pokémon in general out of all the rivals i feel. he’s only closely matched by Silver, but Silver seems to be more aggressive than passionate, and somewhat out of necessity too (like, Giovanni abandoned him what was he to do), whereas Green just really like. he genuinely just cares so much about battles and about pokémon in general! he literally calls you in hgss and just rants about how many different kinds of pokémon there are in the world!!!

also in Alola he’s like???? just so sweet?????? he congratulates you and is like hey you’re really strong lets battle like!!!!!!!!! supportive boy!!!!! he has come so far over so many generations and i cry

also on Four Island when you play frlg he legitimately says “Be smelling ya!” when he leaves and how do you not love this idiot

least favorite thing about them

i mean. while i get that you beat Green right after he becomes the champion in the kanto games i feel like there should’ve been more pomp and circumstance for him and i’ll never forgive gamefreak for giving this boy his dream, then making you rip it away from him, and then watching his own gramps yell at him for fucking up like. again it’s that drive, i get why Red keeps such good pace w Green but i just feel like he worked so hard and he deserved so much better than that

also while i’m very biased towards him bc Big Emotions, i feel like if i knew this boy irl who was constantly i’m so great and you’re a loser i would probably punch him eventually lmao. in theory it’s kinda endearing but as a real person that’d be grating 

favorite line

on one hand, “smell ya later” is so fucking iconic, but on the other - 

“I’m Blue. Man, this guy called Red brought me down in a heartbeat. I haven’t seen him in a long time…I wonder where he is and what he’s up to… Come to think of it, you look a little bit like Red. Yeah, you do. Just…Just a little bit. Whatever…”

my namelessshipping heart

ALSO NOT CANON BUT GREEN RANTING TO YOU ABOUT RED AND GETTING SO DISTRACTED THAT HE FORGETS TO GIVE YOU THE POKÉDEX????? BIG GAY

brOTP

for long elaborate headcanon reasons, i see him as being a good brotp with Kris - i headcanon her as also being really driven the way Green is, but more quiet about it, she’s kinda a good balance to him and they probably do pokemon research together. i also feel like she kept him sane while Red was still missing/before they found him on a fuckin mountain

OTP

do i really need to tell you that i’m 100% namelessshipping

like they perfectly balance each other. Green has all this energy and all this spunk and Red is just like… so opposite of him y'know? he’s quiet and he’s more measured in his behavior i feel, he doesn’t really rush into things as much, and yet they both really just took Kanto by storm when they were kids, and i like how they have this foil dynamic and are both still so successful? they’re so different and they complement each other in that way, and they both find success in their own ways

like one of the reasons i hate that Green’s championship gets undersold so much is that he did beat you to the punch, and he has been one step ahead of you, and there’s so much passion there and it’s so loud - and yet you as Red are just as driven, you take down Team Rocket, you’re always right on his tail, so close but not quite there, you’re the only one who can keep up with him and you’re the only one he cares enough about to slow down for

so like. idk with even all my headcanons about namelessshipping aside (and i can infodump those another day lol), i feel like the in-game representation of them just works. they just work so well together, they balance each other without ever holding each other back, and there’s something really beautiful about that in a relationship y'know

…..i feel bad abt not putting as much infodump about isshushipping now but oh well

nOTP

i don’t really have a notp with him? i kinda like. i basically just do namelessshipping, but i don’t get a visceral eugh when i see other ships with him, just kinda a well it’s not nameless so i’ll be on my way. idek what other ships w him are popular?? i’ve been in nameless hell since 2012 so 

random headcanon

while Red is still living on Mount Silver, Green is not coping well with having him so far away, and so Green massively overworks himself to the point that he keeps just not being in his gym sometimes bc he’s bouncing between the gym, training multiple teams, pokémon research, and ofc going to visit Red whenever he can. this leads him to be kinda temperamental after he’s been working on 2 hours of sleep a day for like a week until he just has an emotional meltdown and crashes, and then he gets right back into it because he has no self preservation

…….. nicer headcanon; Red can only cook two (2) foods, so Green cooks all the food for them when they move in together. he has attempted to teach Red how to cook, but Red pretends not to understand so Green will keep making him food. Green knows Red is faking it and doesn’t call him out bc he thinks it’s cute

unpopular opinion

look i’ve played through classic red version a few times and when i say he wasn’t that much of a jerk, i do genuinely mean he was not that much of a jerk. he’s like ten. ten year olds are just Like That. i guess this isn’t too unpopular anymore but it was Back In The Day and in some parts of the fandom he’s still seen as a jerk and like Bro He Is Ten In RGB/FRLG cut him some slack

also genuinely unpopular - Green is taller than Red. i know namelessshipping has fallen into the bara Red and twink Green trope but i refuse to let go of tall Green/short Red fuckin fight me why dont you

song i associate with them

a lot of the Pray For The Wicked album by Panic! at the Disco gives me Green vibes, more for the sound than for lyrics necessarily, but for some reason Roaring 20s just like. has the sound of Green to me. it’s somewhere between flamboyant pride and underlying insecurity that i think really encapsulates Green (or at least his subtext)

favorite picture of them

i genuinely love his let’s go concept art he’s such a sweet good boy?? 

and for the life of me i cannot find the op source on this but this is my fave pic of Green/namelessshipping in general that i’ve had saved since like 2012 maybe???

yeah if anyone can help me source that i’d appreciate it bc reverse image search only brings me to pinterest and random wattpad links :/

update: source seems to be the artist くる (pixiv id=982894) on pixiv, even though the original post got taken down (ty anon!)

Lillie

favorite thing about them

by now i guess you know im a sucker for character development, but i think they did a really good job with her!! i feel like her turn is a bit more in moments than it is with Green, who gradually evolves (lol) over the course of Kanto/all the gens overall. you see more discrete moments where Lillie starts to shift and gain confidence in herself and i am so proud of her ???? like the way she gets excited when she sees Olivia doin’ her z-move stuff, she starts buying her own clothes and getting ahead of you, etc etc

and like, she still has moments where she’s scared, there’s still some fundamental Lillie in there yknow? you don’t lose any of that softness that characterizes Lillie, she just like… she gets better, she develops without losing her Lillie vibe and i love that abt her. she overcomes a lot of the shit she had to deal with when she was stuck with Lusamine, she stands up to Lusamine eventually, and ghfdkjsg gah she’s a sweet gorl i love and appreciate her

also like. the writing on her backstory is so subtle in-universe. like yeah she literally looks like Lusamine’s daughter and you see her in the opening cutscene leaving Aether, but as the protagonist - like as Selene lets say, there’s little hints about where Lillie came from, and if you suspend your disbelief and put yourself in the pc’s shoes, there’s subtly to her character arc that i like 

also like. when she changes her outfit and starts being more protagonist-y, like more confident and kinda bubbly instead of shy??? love that shit it’s so cute can i have custody of this child pls

least favorite thing about them

i like. sometimes feel like she’s too soft of a character for me to really get into? like i love her and Hau, they’re sweet good friends, but i tend to personally gravitate towards characters that create a little more tension (ie Green and N)

(though on that note, Hau can be kinda savage. he just calls Faba out and sarcastically calls Gladion “a ray of sunshine” at some point i think?? Lillie is just very tender and i will support her forever, but i think that also makes her almost too soft to keep me fixated on her yknow. it’s not even a flaw in her character but just not something i fawn over as much)

favorite line

“I’m so glad I got to meet everyone. I’m so glad I got to meet you.”

like that ending kills me but that line almost feels like. I Feel That So Much like i feel so happy to have met all these new characters and to have played these games, and i feel like some of the player’s energy and enjoyment of the game is channeled into this last line of hers 

also GET IN THE BAG

brOTP

probably her and Hau?? idk, i don’t have a specific brotp for her but i like her just hangin around w the other Alola kids, so like her, Hau, Gladion, and the protag kids. they’d raise hell together and Lillie continues to be the only one with some impulse control

(Gladion also has some impulse control but keeps getting annoyed by Hau and so he gets dragged into their nonsense anyway)

OTP

Selene and Lillie is. Good. idk what the ship name is but it’s canon

nOTP

i dont even know if people ship her with Gladion but incest is a big no-no in my house

random headcanon

when she goes to Kanto, i bet she’d pick Bulbasaur as a starter if she was given the opportunity - and if not, she’d probably catch a wild Vulpix 

unpopular opinion

idk if have any unpopular opinions for her?? 

song i associate with them

i have no reason to associate this with her but the Rainy Day theme from acgc just. has a vibe about it. i think a lot of ac music feels like it suits her

favorite picture of them

i found this art of her through a lofi remix of her theme awhile back and it’s so pleasing to look at? her hair is nice and the colors are so warm n happy gjhkfdgf

if you read this far, congratulations!!! and i’m sorry

[wintersoldeer]

ok here's some totally incoherent thoughts about endgame that i just have to write down or i might explode spoilers: i loved it also actual spoilers spoilers very spoilery spoilers

1. Steve and the goddddamn mjölnir!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!! when thor, iron man and cap were like 'aw yeahhh we're gonna fight thanos' i was like what the heckie is steve even doing there, supersoldier or not he's just a human. then thor drops his hammer and i’m like oh my gods please literally crossing my fingers. then thor’s fight is not going so well and oh no he definitely needs someone to save him! i’m like ohhhhhmygooddss. and THEN IT FINALLY HAPPENS I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR YEARS HELL YEAHHHHH

2. steve & peggy dance. yes. just yes. fucking finally. i love it. it was perfect i cried

3. clint should’ve died. (finally haha) he was my fave since before the avengers and i was so sure he was going to die back then, but then he didn’t and look what’s became of him since.......... i had a violent flashback to watching age of ultron for the first time and for the first time just hoping that my fave character (that would be clint) would just die, bc they’re screwing his character over so badly........ and most definitely it. should.  not. have. been. natasha. who. died.  that was such a bullshit i mean WHAT THE FUCK????  i mean maybe clint and natasha were the only remaining avengers that actually loved each other (?¿¿????¿¿¿?¿ tho that’s just flimsy, i’m just trying to....idek) and that’s why it had to be them on that stupid fuckin death cliff, but why did natasha have to die?? just because clint had a family (still with no actual characterization, not that i even care, or maybe i would if the movies had given me any reason to...) to return to and she didn’t??that fucking sucks and what sucks even more is that not only was natasha the only character that died (i’m not even counting tony, bc that was very Different) but she’s the only original female avenger AND it’s the same stupd fucking rock that the only original female gotg gamora died in such a bullshit way just last movie??? goddddd i hated that so much like maybe if she hadn’t been the first one to die and all the original avengers would’ve died as was i kinda hoping (tho i love happy endings so i didn’t actually hope that it would happen..), maybe then i would be okay with her being dead. now i am very much not okay, and that means very much not okay in a angry way, not in a sad way

4. speaking of death: to me tony’s was perfect. i might not be the biggest fan of how he always got the most screentime and a bigger role than other characters, but i can’t deny that he definitely is the heart of the whole mcu and it had to be him who saves the day in the end and what else could it have been that a very tony-like self-sacrifice..... god i cried. i loved that he got a funeral (even tho natasha didn’t...) and i loved his funeral with all the people and fricking harley and then the kid saying how much she likes cheeseburgers and the frickin ‘proof that tony stark has a heart’ and sfghkklkghhhh

5. i gasped audibly when i noticed that natasha was wearing the arrow necklace

6. i kinda forgot that vision ever even existed..... in the end i first thought that wanda was talking about pietro and then i was like ok well maybe not maybe she’s talking about tony or something WHICH MAKES NO SENSE LOL i don’t even remember what she actually said, but as was pointed out to me, she was probably talking about vision. who was a thing that existed... whoops

7. ugh i hate brucenat, i really thought we were over that shit already. i also very much disliked that they actually decided to go with professor hulk, but idk w/e i don’t care that much. but natasha’s death sucked tho and the one thing i do not want to see is bruce’s pain or whatever when the movie didn’t even give me the time or reason to actually grieve for her goddd that whole thing was such a bullshit

8. i did not like that thor was treated as a joke most of his screentime........

9. that stevepeggy dance tho. love it. it’ll probably take me at least another seven years to get over it

10. i fricking adored the whole going back in time thing, especially the 2012. the callbacks and the humor really worked for me, the elevator scene straight from cap2 but reversed and hail hydra and steve fighting steve and loki’s expressions when things go wrong and goddhhh i loved it all aaaaaaa, that was the moment when i was like ok i need to see this movie again immediately.... also the fact that their time travel rules were that they were just creating new paths or w/e i guess, and not actually changing what happened to them specifically... good. so many aus

11. that final battle was so perfectly epic

12. tho shouldn’t valkyrie’s (who really just doesn’t have a real name, now does she..) horse have died after being shot haha

13. i loved that clint had the gauntlet for so long, like he’s definitely the Least Qualified Person to keep it safe, why would that be his job, it was amazing

14. i hated natasha’s death with burning passion, but i loved how she and clint fought each other over who gets to throw themselves off that cliff. tho i really hoped that their ‘yeahh we know what we have to do’ would’ve rather meant that they decided to just throw red skull down bc who even knows if it even actually needs love sacrifice or w/e, a soul is a soul is a soul

15. i loved the human jarvis whatever-his-first-name-was cameo and i really need to finally watch/rewatch agent carter

16. i really liked the tony howard scene even if i thought it felt a bit iffy, bc i feel like there’s so much more to unpack w/ those daddy issues.... but maybe that scene means that there is that one universe where howard was actually a good dad. i want to believe that. yeah. (maybe not but let me dream)

17. i like how they totally forgot that sharon carter ever even existed

18. damn that moment when black panther comes through that portal

19. damn that moment when gi ant-man is giant

20. damn that final battle was so epic

21. damn that steve with mjölnir

22. this movie was SO GOOD when it was good and so mehhh when it was bad, and i’m really glad that it was just good enough that i can forgive overlook all of its flaws. (tho i will not forgive what they did to natasha, even if i can mostly ignore it when thinking about how good most of the rest of the movie was) but idk if it would’ve been perfect, maybe i wouldn’t have survived like there’s this One Huge Thing (natasha) that really brings down the movie that otherwise would’ve been just Amazing

23. i don’t know if my heart has ever beaten as fast as when steve finally picks up the hammer. never while watching a movie, at least

24. i love that carol has her short haircut, bc it bothered me so much in cpn marvel that she should not have been able to see anything when her hair was just constantly on her face haha

25. i feel nothing but seething resentment towards clint’s stupid family and that stupid family man role he is stuck with

26. why was natasha’s hair so weird and ugly. why can’t it just be red??

27. clint’s hair was weird and ugly too and i think i have finally kinda given up on mcu!clint (tho he has those small Very Good moments and i cry for what could’ve been.....we could’ve have it aaaaaalllll.... i think i’m going to watch swat (2003) again and still pretend it’s the clint backstory movie i deserve haha, it’s been ages since i’ve seen it idk if it would still work for me, i’m gonna try)

28. i love nebula tho

29. i loved the trip down memory lane! frigga!!!! the way the continuation of the avengers capturing loki just felt so natural and like it probably happened just like that! nebula and rhodey judging quill’s singing and dancing haha yes! everything! just as i was hoping it would be!

30. doesn’t really have anything to do with this movie but: i still firmly believe that coulson never died. i still firmly believe that pietro never died. 

31. falcon cap helll yeah!!

32. i guess i’ll never get my strike team delta movie with clintasha best friends soulmates and with buckynat and the red room.........  goddd there really should’ve been a black widow movie after cap2. like that was The Perfect Spot for a black widow movie, it’s really a crime that there isn’t one, and even if they make a black widow movie now, it’ll definitely be too little too late.

33. like..... a for effort..... for that female heroes girl power.... ughhhh.... scene, i guess, but that. does. not. cut. it. when you have just killed natasha

34. things i really wished they would say in some perfect moments: “hail hydra” “avengers assemble!” “i am iron man”. things they did say in those moments: “hail hydra” “avengers assemble” “i am iron man”, gogssgddd that was perfect (ok i also really did wish steve would’ve said the “i could do this all day” in the fight but couldn’t say bc the movie had just made fun of that.. i’m kinda sad but haha it’s not that big of a deal, maybe if he hadnt said it in civil war which i dont like but well...)

35. haha people are already complaining about the steve going back thing and how it’s definitely not moving on and erasing character development or whatever and HA. i finally got my stevepeggy dance i don’t care about anything else i am so happy!!!!!

36. i am so glad i managed to avoid any spoilers bc i hear that there was some pretty massive ones going around??¿?¿?

37. also: ok from here on out i am not here for any of you negative nancys complaining (probably very reasonable complaints idec) about the movie, god i really wish it was 2012 again

38. in final thoughts: i absolutely loved it and i love that it turns out that i’m apparently still very much marvel trash........ if natasha hadn’t died, especially in such a bullshit way, i would’ve been able to overlook everything else that was kinda meh about the movie and just purely and blindly loved it. i still did love it, a lot, but now there’s that bitter aftertaste.....

ok now, maybe that’s enough rambling and repeating myself....... i’m going to need to see it again asap

//EDIT

39. I FORGOT TO MENTION IT BC I FORGOT ABOUT IT but goooooooooodddd i loved nebula and tony playing that game in the beginning and tony letting nebula win ääääää

[frcnciscos-blog]

hi i’m jen ( pst + she/her ) n that’s all i have to say abt myself sdfkljsdf, i’m excited to write with everyone though, o i watched like 2 seasons of the 100 or like 3 up until the robot hologram lady but idr anything :( o and i never watched the show matt’s in either sry yalls :( 

❝ ——･✧ ( matthew daddario ) may the ark provide you a good life ( francisco nolan ) !  you are now at the age of ( twenty-six ), and identify as a ( cismale ). around the ark you are known as the ( noceur ), and you’re a ( jocular ) citizen even if you’re sometimes ( reticent ) !  with your contribution to the ( agro ) station as ( a cultivator ) we’re going to make this place a better home for us, and our future generations. ( jen, she/her, pst )

noceur – one who sleeps late or not at all

honestly the most simple definition right but i cbf to look for a masterlist

cultivator / curator – maybe i should’ve called him a botanist or a farmer idk but he’s an expert on plants and growing them in space! makes sure all the species are thriving and all that. spends a lot of time talking to the crops bc not many are awake in the dead of night! 

jocular – fond of or characterized by joking; humorous or playful.

reticent – not revealing one's thoughts or feelings readily.

so francis/frankie/chico/whatever the fuck are nicknames for francisco idk ;(

anyway he’s basically this v lighthearted guy, kind of makes you feel like you know him and all because he’ll joke w/ you a lot n be nice, long-winded talks about things, sounds like he’s sharing but it’s never rly anything... about himself... he just doesn’t lemme figure out why bc i’m jst um. doing this as i go : )

okay his other half <3 got floated for doing the thing raven and finn did with the oxygen n lost some oxygen except she was older so floated.... maybe 5 yrs ago? 21 is a good age. he never talks about it. ever. although he does think about her every single day.

this is a dedicated self help book: i think that maybe, he’s just trying to build as nice of a life as he can for himself and has been for the past 5 yrs. he’s nice, people r nice, life is okay, but it just. will never be the same. also i imagine the ark is a pretty desolate place to be! planet earth nuked, all of humanity on this one spaceship ( as far as they know ), limited oxygen supply, rationing, etc. etc. so he puts on his happy face and sometimes it works, sometimes he’s sad and talks to the plants in private :’(

o ya isn’t it so funny that his mobile theme rly looks like the author’s about on a book cover 

o his parents got saved 2 the ark or something idk how this works but ig they were scientists n normal upbringing i guess they brought him 2 the plant nursery a lot

he doesn’t really think of himself as exceptionally smart or anything special, funnier/more handsome/etc than anyone else like obv he’s aware oh yes these are good traits that i possess but not ... over anyone yknow, like he just does what he’s supposed to do/what’s right.

o his birthday was.... YESTERDAY! whenever that was. 8/8 and he thinks it’s weird tht he was born on earth! but all he remembers is the spaceship :( anyway he’s freshly 26

o a hc: he rly good at drawing plants and flowers bc his <3 was like . how tf are u gonna be a botanist but not even be able 2 draw. so he practiced n practiced n it was part of how they even got 2gether aw. like hs sweeties. but if u ask him 2 draw a person it’s gonna look fugly as hell

idek if they’re allowed 2 draw or if that takes up resources :( o well that makes the whole notion more romantic 

o since i see some nationality things... n idk wtf matt d is he some types of different whites... imma just make him a canadian LDFSSDF

idk what else 2 say basically summary: he is nice n humble n maybe funny idk no emo broodiness no sign of sad :( he’s jus Chill

possible connections (crossed off = taken):

someone that was maybe his other half <3 ‘s best friend (yes ‘<3′ is apart of their name) n so they sometimes jst talk about their feelings n stuff together n maybe they weren’t close or maybe even disliked each other before everything OR maybe they still don’t like each other, but rly they’re the only other one that knows how the other feels/who they’re missing yknow ok let’s make them NOT like each other thanks!!!!

o okay ‘it isn’t the same but it isn’t love’ ok maybe they dating and it’s pleasant and all but rly it’s a charade n maybe they keep hanging on bc IT WORKS but it’s just. not passionate, it’s not love, so maybe they gotta break up. ‘it’s a waste of time’ OPPOSITE OF WILL THEY WON’T THEY as in will they won’t they BREAK UP

o wouldn’t it be so cool for francisco 2 be like. this happy mentor buddy thing 2 someone cuz i noticed some of yalls characters r emo as shit right, but then one night they discover he’s a FAKE... sort of ? n that disrupts. stuff yeah ha

o maybe someone who gets themselves into shit n he always goes n gets them before they get into trouble n he’s just Tired. of doing that right but he keeps doing it bc he’s been doing this for forever n idk big blow up xD? responsible old man matt d activate!

on the other hand, someone he trusts n knows is also responsible enough so that he can chill out too? weeds n alcohols lmao, maybe theyre best friends forever and i mean like, forever, maybe they were neighbors growing up on the ark 

lemme put some simple ones in here 2 bc im down n we can develop ya? o wow there aren’t many i’m sorry . but yall got wc too so we’re good ! !! 

friends

new

childhood - cut off or just long lasting

neighbors

coworkers

crushes/romantique interests but he dating someone so that’s risqué :O – maybe we do this on chemistry pls thanks idk <3 

[bluewithpurplepolkadots]

Do you like Ron/Hermione as a ship?

I don’t really ship it. I think I might have for five minutes in PoA though even though in GOF was when it became obvious.

I think one problem is that both Ron and Hermione are deeply unpleasant people when they’re jealous. Ron in GOF and Hermione in HBP (and Ron to an extent there too) are particularly awful.

Overall the ship is just no fun.

Also, to be honest, Ron doesn’t really ever properly deal with his feelings of inadequacy in the books, which is a major issue for him as a character and how it affects his relationships with other people.

 I feel like him being best friends with both Harry and Hermione is probably hard enough but dating or marrying one of them? I don’t see that working out too well without those feelings being dealt with. And honestly they never adequately are. One horcrux stabbing and ‘all is well’ in that department? Please. Like I didn’t expect a quick fix to these issues, but the first steps needed to be made and they never really are. Ron joining adventures with Harry and playing his part never fixed his self esteem before- so why should it now?

And what are Harry and Hermione supposed to do: just stop being what they are? For Hermione to stop excelling? Of course not, that’s not remotely fair on her. And Harry’s bs is half a curse he didn’t ask for anyway. 

Also neither Ron or Hermione seem to really respect each other much, even if their obvious attraction is there so thick you could cut it with a knife. Sure Hermione’s brains are ‘useful’ but Ron seems more or less annoyed by her more often then not and he doesn’t respect how she is: thinking her a nag. (So does Harry come to that but Ron turns it up to eleven). Hermione seems to think less of Ron- I mean he’s bright but he is pretty damn lazy? And she seems a bit too surprised when he does accomplish things. And Hermione doesn’t give a shit about Quidditch which Ron has a talent in.

They don’t even seem to have a common mundane interest besides ‘parenting’ Harry and that results in fights half the time. I can perhaps imagine them finding something in the muggle world: since nothing in the wizarding world exists between them and we’re never shown such a thing beyond saving the world. But even then I struggle to think of what precisely they’d find. They’re so very different.

It honestly also makes me roll my eyes to think some Pick Up Artists book is what caused they to come together as the second to last final push in DH. For god’s sake. Is it that unbelievable for Ron to understand a girl prefers to have her accomplishments praised without some book telling him such basic stuff. Especially Hermione. One of his best friends. For years. This shows a fundamental lack of respect for Ron honestly, that he’s written that can’t even figure that much out himself.

Despite it all it could have worked though. Rowling just never seemed to pull the necessary trigger for it to do so.

I think there could have been a way these two could have worked would have been like one moment we saw in PoA where Ron helps in Buckbeak’s case so Hermione doesn’t completely burn herself out and die after a year of her taking on too many subjects. Hermione has no idea how to calm the hell down and admit she’ll destroy herself with a too high work load. I think a part of it is even because she’s muggleborn and feels the desperate need to prove herself in a world which puts unfair standards on her in addition to being naturally studious. Or even someone who doesn’t feel like her friends wants her around so constantly wants to seem useful. Hermione probably has her own emotional issues of inadequacy. Ron on the other hand needs a kick up the ass to actually do work sometimes. So this type of thing? This scenario? It works. It’s kind of sweet actually.

Together they could have achieved balance. Hermione could help improve Ron’s drive and Ron could help Hermione relax once in a while! But there’s no mutual respect there and Ron’s feelings of inadequacy… I’m sorry but one Horcrux stabbing is just not going to cut it and solve that sort of thing. Ron’s just kind of randomly over it by the epilogue?

Ron/Hermione had some potential healthy roots growing in PoA but they were never really developed from that potential and the whole tree withered and died by HBP  when they were both utter nightmares and seemed to hate each other/be dangerously possessive by then. Ron is emotionally a shit heel to Hermione and Hermione is a shit heel both physically and emotionally to Ron by then.

 Like honestly Rowling should have developed from that small spark in PoA- and keep any extreme jealousy to GOF (though maybe turn it down a little)- and maybe even had them start dating at the end of OOTP or something. Then maybe all that nonsense in HBP wouldn’t be around. And have Ron build up his confidence in OOTP or something and support Hermione’s achievements. He doesn’t have to be as smart as Hermione in academics or anything. That would be unrealistic. But just have him find some passion and have him actually work at it instead of giving up because there’s ‘no point as he’ll never be the best.’ Have him be Hermione’s emotional support- proving he has a range deeper than a teaspoon! Have Hermione support him too! Have Ron actually be a half decent prefect unlike the one we got who abused his power. And like have them find a common interest! I have no idea what but even for all their problems Harry and Ginny had Quidditch as something they both loved.

Hell some disagreements are fine but have them disagree over non-petty shit sometimes! Maybe Ron thinks the Marietta thing and her being cursed was kind of bullshit of Hermione to do or have it scare him a little. Have Hermione understandably annoyed over how Ron- the lazy one- the pureblood, has an extra boost in life and is given more respect from their society simply as a pureblood, poor/so called ‘blood-traitor’ or not- despite her working twice as hard and being just generally better at magic. Idek! That would be some interesting issues they could have. Have Hermione and Ron grow and learn from one another. 

I think both Ron/Hermione and Harry/Ginny are workable but Rowling never got them in working order herself and it bothers me so much.

[thoughtsbytasha17]

08/1/2017

WOW

ITS BEEN ANOTHER YEAR

AND EVERY TIME I KNOW SO MUCH SHIT HAS HAPPENED

BUT THIS TIME. I CANT’.

2016 WAS....IDEK HOW TO DESCRIBE ALL THE SHIT THAT HAPPENED.

Rn I’m listening to this song called Starving by Haliee Steinfield and it’s literally my go to song at the moment. As to why I’ll get to that but let’s try and break it down first.

On a sad note, my grandpa passed away in october last year. (RIP xxxx) And idk it still hasnt hit me yet. My eyes watered at the funeral, but I didnt full out cry. Is that weird? But this finally got me to see my Aunty Cayma and Uncle John after how many years of seperation. They’re like second parents to me and I’d missed them so much. It was nice.

secondly, we saw alfie again last month after everything went down. can you believe? a year later and we finally see him again. what’s funny it wasn’t even that weird, he was the same but maybe a little more depressed or st idk. at this point im not even mad....well 95% not lol. we had a nice little catch up dinner and went our seperate ways. maybe we’ll see each other again maybe we won’t...oh well.

I went to Amsterdam with my friends and had an amazing time. Imagine being high everyday for a week? idk how i did it either but i did and it was...crazy. I also broke my phone screen for the first time which started a whole lot of mess for me lmao.

And finally the biggie in my life rn...I met a guy. And fell for him hard af. 

And what’s worse, was the day I met him I lost my virginity... to him. (18/8/2016) 

I didn’t mind losing it to him...but the location was horrible and i will probably forever regret that aspect of it. But now I’m in this mess with him. After losing it to him we would meet up quite often to bang again, so we became fuck buddies basically. But idk...maybe it’s cuz i lost it to him or maybe it’s just he was different to any guy I’ve met but i’ve never liked a boy this much this quick and gone this crazy over them.

(also for ages ive been worrying if i was pregnant because he always wants to use the pull out method and im not smart enough to say no.)

Idk it kind of hung in the air for ages whether we just had sex or it was sex AND we mutually liked each other. Until one day I admitted it, and he said it back :) but everytime it seems to be going great for us, some shit happens.

The worst of all was last month. DEC 16 was absolutely awful...ok not all awful but it was a fuckin journey.

IMAGINE LOSING UR CARDS, BRAND NEW IPHONE REGAINING YOUR CARDS BY THE GRACE OF GOD AND THEN SMASING UR LAPTOP SCREEN? That happened to me.

And the whole month i thought i’d at least see the guy i like...he stops replying or answering my calls. At first i thought i’d done st wrong and he’d blocked me. The whole month i was crazy just thinking about him and why he did this to me. I went through to many stages and was even crazy enough to attempt to use his work friends as a way to contact him. I made a playlist of songs that remind me of them and would listen to them and just wallow in pity. (Hence why Starving is playing rn) Then finally after all that he messages me ‘happy new year natasha’ and there’s hope again.

THEN HE FUCKS ME UP AGAIN BY TAKIN AGES TO REPLY TO ME

AND THEN HE LEAVES MY MESSAGE ON SEEN AFTER THAT

AND I WAS DONE PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE WITH HIM.

YESTERDAY. I HAD ACCEPTED IT. HE DIDNT LIKE ME AS MUCH AS I LIKED HIM, MAYBE HE WAS OVER ME. And so i took my luggage and went to notts today ready to move on.

until an hour ago.

he fucking called me.

and now im a mess again.

honestly, idk what to do...maybe this a sign this isnt the end for us. but i know a few things:

sadly, i fell for him. i can’t get out of it now.

also im not gonna be as dumb as i was before.

i guess thats all i have to say. let’s see when i can be bothered to write in this again.

ciao. (he says that on the phone to me all the time ‘ciao bella’ and it;s the cutest thing.) ok i’ll stfu now.

[kinetic-elaboration]

January 5: Thoughts on 1x05 Twilight’s Last Gleaming

Watched Twilight’s Last Gleaming last night. It always takes me like 3 hours to watch an ep of The 100 because I have to stop every 5 seconds to write something down. Also last night just when I started watching R started texting me and so I was trying to do three things at once: watch, write up notes, and converse with her. But I did it anyway oh well. My thoughts, in order of appearance though perhaps someday I’ll come back and elaborate on some of this stuff I dunno.

Clarke is serious with Finn during their ‘lying around in bed’ phase and he makes a joke back at her and IDK I’m half-sure it’s supposed to be charming (she seems to like it in the moment) but the only thing I can think is: Bellamy would never. (On the other hand this might literally be the only light-hearted sex this show has ever had so there’s that.) (Yes I know he was cheating I mean light-hearted in the micro sense.)

Okay, Abby, when arrested, is put in a cell, which tells me that the prison is actually also used for adults just for shorter-term purposes: it holds people awaiting trial and/or execution. Also she is granted “work release pending review.” Is the “review” a trial? Or something else? IMO they don’t actually use trials in all circumstances (Kane has the power of both the finder of fact and finder of law in a decidedly un-judicial setting the first time he sentences Abby to die while in the Go-Sci command center room; ...lol it’s hard to keep all of the death sentences straight). But I think sometimes they do. Or a trial like thing. (See Skywalker dialogue.) Also, I wonder if work release is common. Also I wonder how many adults they usually have in the prison section and if they’re kept separate from the kids or not. I would assume yes, given that Abby is in a solitary cell. Jaha says that prison has been on “half air since midnight.” I feel like the obvious question is: why give it any air at all? If the situation is that critical, and assuming there are not that many prisoners left once you get rid of the kids--why not totally evacuate it and shut it down? I realize that’s probably a bandaid on a gigantic gash but like it’s something.

“We followed the rules of order” should be like the Ark’s slogan. (And it says a lot about Jaha imo--as does the phrase” excised from the grid.”)

Lol the ‘let’s make a wish on a shooting star’ thing comes from Finn.

Aw Bellamy didn’t just have a 3some, he was cuddling.

Clarke is so completely unromantic in the broad sense. Thinking about supplies, making plans--”okay, minute’s done” when Finn asks her to consider how nice it is not being dead. I guess Finn was supposed to be the counter to her: the overly romantic.

I’m going to assume the little girl Reese didn’t survive the crash of the Ark but I wish she had because I’d like to know how her partial blindness affects her going forward. Also look at how Jackson touches Abby so sweet.

“That doesn’t mean you can predict what everyone’s going to do.” / “That’s exactly what I have to do.” Okay she definitely sees herself as a leader at this point. A leader with a potential savior complex ready to exploit tbh.

Thoughts from the Bell and O scene: He sees Jaha as the responsible one for all the judicial stuff on the Ark--a common perception. Interesting. Octavia talks big but yet again freaks out at the reality of hard choices: she wants everyone on the Ark to fuck off but finds out one of them, a very culpable one from her pov, is dead and she’s like AAAAH WHAT. Also, Bellamy takes immediate responsibility. Boy really does feel the weight of the world. It is his instinct to be at fault. (In this case, he is of course. But he could have pawned it off and he doesn’t.)

Jaha’s room: is this the same set that is used as Abby’s chancellor quarters in S3 or am I making that up? Is it supposed to be the same? Also he has a punching bag in his room nifty detail.

It’s interesting that Jaha wanted to sacrifice himself. It’s a bad tactical decision imo and I also can’t help but consider it cowardly but anyway it’s really, really fascinating to me and I feel this scene/plot point should be more thoroughly unpacked. By a more awake person.

Raven’s arrival is one of my favorite scenes though. Also my Princess Mechanic heart...

Again with the Finn + Clarke too much emotion vs. all business thing. Also, Clarke helped Raven out of the ship, watched her take off her space suit, and interacted with her for probably several minutes without introducing herself lol. Too busy being smitten.

Does this Jaha and Abby conversation about the culling sound an awful lot like the Clarke and L/xa conversation about TonDC???? Is it supposed to????

“This belongs to Wells Jaha.” Adorable.

Abby has the weirdest collection of shit in her secret compartment. Someone’s hair????

“Hey Princess, you taking a walk in the woods?” Like IDEK how to read that line it’s just...so funny? Is he trying to be smooth?

This Clarke/Bellamy/Finn/Raven scene is also really great and beyond my ability to properly interpret now. Clarke is like the best politician though. I mean yeah she’s manipulative but in a very...incisive way. She knows just what to say to Bellamy (unlike Finn and Raven who literally just throw him around and threaten him)--though generally I think he makes the better speeches they’re both very good at reading others imo. It’s not just that she appeals to his better nature; she specifically mentions the probable culling victims as “[his] people.”

Also is the implication that Bellamy and Raven do or do not know each other? I think they do not but I can see it either way.

“This will start a riot.” / “Good. Maybe we need one.”

Okay I’ve seen it before repeatedly but the Section 17 volunteers still make me cry. It never stops being tragic.

(But it wasn’t at all Bellamy’s fault and neither he nor Kane could have stopped all of those people from dying but that’s yet another ramble for another day.)

Also okay they all have some sort of identification tags, interesting.

Raven and Clarke scene: I would almost joke that Raven was trying to get Clarke blown up by having her take out the fuel but actually I think she sees Clarke as the real leader (interestingly, Raven might be the exception to the delinquents see Bell as main leader thing???) and wants to chat. Also, for her to say she’s never seen love like Abby’s after saying she’d do pretty much anything for Finn says a lot. Not that I think a teen relationship’s love is comparable to a mother’s, but that a teen might not see that, so wrapped up in her own feelings as she probably is. But Raven does.

“One decision does not define a man.”

So the two shooting star conversations are in the same ep, and Clarke takes something from one love interest, and transfers it--that idea, that conversation--to someone else. Her platonic friend obviously. Also I think this is the first, like, /friendly/ conversation they’ve had. Like not antagonistic, not heated, not about what they have to do or about a danger situation just...talking.

Of course then it shades into what is imo a great Princess Mechanic moment so. How Raven just looks over at Clarke... I dunno but I thinks she’s in love.

[survivorwesteros]

Episode 8: Operation: If You Fuck With Me you're Dead - Nic

steffen, darian, yall really fucked me up. i am so mad right now. to be fucked over like this i know i considered voting out steffen earlier but i felt bad and went back on it but i feel so fucking mad and lied to and its stupid.

I'm SHOOK! IT WORKED 😂😂😂😂😂😂

ok so first you know we take off on our dragons cause you know DRAGONS FROM AN AUCTION, while at the fantastic meal place, I snag a vote stealer, cause lets face it, Id rather have control of that rather than anyone else so we get back to camp and Jordan wins immunity in basically a second, so yay another Jordan winning streak, but then we have a lot of down time until the vote, and right as Im ready to go to bed, Darian and Ashley message me saying we need to talk and I’m like, wtf I do now I was basically feeling like I just had a ice cream truck fall on me from the sky turns out I wooed them over to trusting me, and they revealed that Lily wanted my head, which shocked me cause I thought we were good, but in retrospect, I did vote her out before so not a suprise but turns out she had leaked her hit list to Darian and Ashley, going from me to brian to nic, with Andrew somewhere in there and you know while I was freaking out, Ashley and Darian were like wtf we do, so then we sorta came up with a vote split plan, and lets just say it revealed a lot it was super complicated but involved me lying to Nic, which we were kinda on even terms but like, when Darian was going over the plan with him, Nic wanted me out so at that point I knew I couldn’t trust him, following such theres been doubt put in my mind that Drew is in my best intentions and in fact was going to vote me out if not for his self vote, I mean it took a hell of a lot of prying to get him to admit that Lily was targeting me so whether he really wants to play with me is a question at this point But while we were gathering votes I discovered some real interesting information 

1. Jordan isn’t to be trusted in this game with me anymore, he went around trying to get me to vote Andrew and everyone else to vote me, and Brian was already hectic and scared so instead of telling him all the info about how Jordan told me Andrew, I played off that paranoia and bonded with Brian against Lily 

2. Luke, literally my secret spy to get me tea I love him, he basically came clean with all the Jordan tea of targeting me and it just was amazing 

3. Andrew I feel is closer to me than ever because I was there with him for a hard time, and I leaked info to him about Lily targeting him, and Jordan telling me to vote him out 

Basically I feel in an ok spot, the only people I have to be iffy about at this point is Nic, Drew and Jordan, and if I can somehow go about Jordan leaving soon, that’d be great but we managed to have everything work out I got a feel for the tribe dynamics And Lily got voted out after coming for me

anyway for darian and Steffen to use my vote like that and be straight up liars is so ugly I hate men 🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊🔊 jk my new closest ally Jordan is a man 

why does everyone think I'm dumb is it because I act dumb all the time ?? probably

OKAY SO THIS IS A RANT FOR MY CONFESSIONAL SO DARIAN THINKS HES REAL SLICK BUT I SEE RIGHT THROUGH HIM He told me lily was out for me so obviously I vote along with him, but the way he told me about it was sus I’m usually good at sniffing out a rat but there was little I could do ABOUT it and it would be dumb to make waves about it now, but I see him. There’s no way he did;t know the votes would be split like that, I think there is a group making puppets out of some of us and I need to figure out who exactly is in that group. I know its Darian and Ashley probably Pines too, makybe not. I also just realized I was accidentally interrogating Darian so I’m gonna chill for a little bit But I see him -.- also fucking LOL at Jordan trying to tell me he was the one vote for Steffen when we already know it was Lily hahaha

Well, I'm pretty sure I just shook this entire game up and I have NO IDEA what's going to happen next... I definitely need to win immunity next week or I'm probs screwed 😂 Getting lily out but I voted drew and he's not too happy about it.  He says we are good but... we aren't.. I know it... I really don't think we are good at all Maybe I'm wrong.. idk😭😭😭 I'm so confused

So that tribal was just quite interesting. I mean Darian and I completely got shit done. But now Darian is most likely going to be a target cuz I kinda made him do all my dirty work.... God I am like an awful person (cwl) Well I mean Darian is the one who went to Nic and Brain and suggested our plan, Steffen went to Andrew... I kinda just sat back and watched everything happen, so hopefully no one will completely know I had a semi huge impact on that tribal.

BYE DARIAN IS A LITTLE SHIT HUH This messy Aeolian gameplay whew

So alot has happened & I'm just gonna use the opportunity to write about it.

Soooo last tribal, I was told me, steffen, darian, brian, ashley would all be voting Drew. However, it turns out they were lying to me. 

Darian? Dead to me. Steffen? Dead to me. I have to admit being lied to and being taken advantage of hurt. But in the end it only showed me the light. I love cutting people out ! Who knew 

I love burning bridges and then using the leftover pieces to build new ones. Cause now, the plan is for me, Jordan (my closest ally), Drew (the person i voted for who i am now voting with), Brian (the person who ive barely spoken to), and Luke (icon) to all vote together and take out one of the Terrivle Trio, aka D*rian/S******/Ashley. 

Also apparently Drew has an idol!! Which is iconic. He could be lying to me but idc bc if he is.. whats new lol If this plan works out I will give every person who voted with me 100 dollars. 

If it doesn't work out I just have more excuses to be mad at the people who betrayed me. 

Also.. me being able to freely express my opinions because I don't give a fuck what happens? a concept. If I get voted out it's no big deal cause I have actual friends in Wonderland. Anyway.... bye guys I'm sure I'll have another one of these as things progress. ALSO SHOUTOUT TO JC......... thanks for that letter. You winning Panem and me winning Westeros... its a prophecy

right now im gonna go to steffen and darian and act sorry. will they buy it...... probably not. they're smarter than that! apparently.

So.. tribal is approaching. I have to admit, with everything that has been planned, I will be a bit disappointed to go home. 

Everything is working so far. We have the majority alliance and Steffen/Darian probably have no idea it's Ashley tonight. In fact, Steffen even thinks I've been rallying against Darian. 

I don't wanna get to confident. But I hope this game turns around

Who knew this was gonna be a tie vote! Who knew Brian was gonna change his vote. 

Every moment in this game is an opportunity tho. Even though I've already sent my vote in for Ashley, I'll still use this to chance to make a deal with Darian and let him campaign to me. And with this tied vote, I can still kinda make Steffen think I voted Darian. Which is what he though before tribal. Hopefully this puts me in a good position 

I'm using this to mend bonds with Steffen/Darian, while maintaining my bonds with the others. Minus Andrew idek him 

(i feel like i already sent a confessional about this oh well) 

Anyway now that I actually have something to lose.. I have to be careful of what I say 

How did I go from on the bottom basically asking to be voted out to being in this good position........ I scream

So that tribal was interesting. Darian and I are now kinda against each other and he is very certain it will be unanimous that I am leaving. Which makes me want to punch sense into him because literally anyone can lie through text.

Anyway. my strategy rn is called "Operation: If You Fuck With Me you're Dead" and if that isnt a good episode title idk what is @hosts. 

Ashley? check. 

Darian and Steffen? we'll see i have tons of abi gifs ready

me before F9 tribal:

me @ Ashley and Darian after F9 tribal: 

me @ Nic and Brian after F9 tribal: 

me shopping for a new alliance: 

me as the Ashley votes came rolling in: 

Ashley and Darian as the votes came rolling in: 

me @ Ashley when she tried to apologize: 

me @ Ashley's begging: 

me when she tried to give me her turkey leg: 

me realizing there are still five more weeks of this game: 

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED I'm soooo in the dark it's not even funny My own best friend who just performed the best show yet with me LIED TO MY FACE 😭😭😭😭

[2016-12-03, 9:15:21 PM] Darian Goggin: I [2016-12-03, 9:15:24 PM] Darian Goggin: Am shook [2016-12-03, 9:15:29 PM] Darian Goggin: What just happened [2016-12-03, 9:18:28 PM] Jordan Pines: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ why am i the worst

Dear damn diary 

well thanks to myanmar for screwing up my sleep cycle it seems Ive been out of the voting cycle due to trying to catch up on sleep, so basically its become a Nic and Darian fight, and if I could look at myself at the beginning of the season, I’d pat myself on the back and say, Raven Symone would be proud of you CAUSE YOU CALLED IT.  So while he did save me last round, Im not saving him if Im in minority, its just stupid at this point, so Im at least going to give him the dignity of giving him a heads up, cause he deserves it at this point, but I knew Id probably not go to the end with him, guess I was right, so gotta go with the flow today cause I am too sick to put in effort here