#idk! maybe something to unpack in therapy lol

[devilsskettle]

something i’ve been thinking about recently: kind of crazy how much my Type has changed since the pandemic started like my ex was So my Type and i was infatuated before the pandemic and now their Type hasn’t changed but i probably wouldn’t even look twice at them now, kind of insane

[nordidia]

Do you think CJ and Raph ever talk about their experiences with PTSD/anxiety together or even share advice on coping? Or do you think Raph would rather not? Explain your reasoning in your essay below

(i typed an entire novel and then accidentally closed chrome and it deleted everything let me try doing this again i barely remember what i said ok so. also this is just me blabbering idk guys im not a rise writer im just some opinionated guy online and you can completely disagree with me and i dont say what goes or not ok? ok!)

i dont think raph would go to him with his issues but i think it'd defo get talked about through asking CJ about things and checking up on him etc. and i think CJ would give raph alot of insight and advice on how to deal with anxieties and traumas,, tho alot of their convos would just be one of them saying something vile and the other one going "oh. is that not normal?" and the first one looking at the latter like this

but all in all i think they'd definitely help eachother with dealing with stuff... i think especially raph will assist CJ in just taking the blow on how much there is to unpack... his entire life has been a big traumatic event, i imagine suddenly living a sustained life without having to fight for survival every day would be a lot for him to deal with, especially the confusion and grief over what he has lost (maybe what he has lost feels a bit like pointless grief to him now? which is a trauma in itself) and also grieving what he never had. as we know, grief is also things we shouldve had but never got, and i think all the hamatos would be really helpful in dealing with that.

tho CJ seems to be a bit of a hardass on stuff like this which is incredibly understandable when you've had to fight for everything with zero stability at all anywhere you went. i could see him confiding in raph about it, but not only him if im honest. but there is an undeniable security about raph i think that the characters i the show feel, and i think CJ would seek the stability and consistent reliability that raph provides.

i also like that CJ doesnt seem too scared about calling out people when they do wrong, i can defo see CJ bluntly telling raph that bad coping mechanisms is stupid and makes things worse and worries everyone around. (this is ofc hand in hand with the good ol' HC that raph bottles shit up/avoids talking abt things. personally i think he never shuts up and frequently rants about stuff and lets his family know whenever shit is up but he avoids going too deep so his family thinks he's being fully transparent when actually he's just not voicing the worst shit. this is so real to me no i do not need therapy shut u)

i definitely think raph would confide in CJ about the krang thing. CJ is the one who knows the most about it, i can see raph going to him to just get a bit more information about what was going on, and also a bit of relief hearing that it didnt go as bad as it couldve gone... CJ being experienced with krangification would absolutely soothe worries and make him feel less alone about knowing what he knows and having gone through something thats a step further than his brothers

IS THIS A GOOD ENOUGH ESSAY i have academic anxiety dont grade me please its 4am i have taken melatonin pills im on my last leg help m *ficking dies*

edit: GOODNIGHT LOL

[trashlie]

kousuke.exe not only stopped working but was unable to process the input and was glitching and malfunctioning the entire night lmaooo sigh. i want to remain hopeful that this night will spark at least some kind of change in him despite yui doing yui things… but we'll see.

speaking of yu jing, do you think rand has assured her some kind of protection from yui once the article comes out? yu jing must be aware of how risky all this is. is she prepared for when yui seeks her revenge? idk maybe i'm overthinking this because i'm from a country where journalists get killed all the time, but i still wonder what makes yu jing so brave. what is, to her, worth making an enemy of yui? is it really just righteousness? i'm lowkey really scared for her tbh but ahh i can't wait til we get to the article.

aahhh i'm glad the romance is giving you everything you want!!! it may not be my personal focus but i do enjoy the romance in ily a lot. slowly learning about all the ways shinae and nol are delicately interwoven has been a delight. it adds so much to the story and i can see their romance blooming into something very beautiful! and please, i'm looking forward to you talking about them in more detail when/if you have the time <3

…..actually, thinking about it, maybe "devotion" wasn't the word i was looking for 😅 sorry, i'm not a native speaker so i wasn't aware the religious connotations were so strong. but i really like your interpretation, and it was very kind of you to not dismiss it! i guess i was looking for something stronger and more emotional than "loyalty". because to me, shinae's actions read not only as "you were a good friend to me so i'll be a good friend to you", but also as "you mean a lot to me and i don't want to lose you". idk if there is even a word that captures this?

and not to get too analytical but i find it interesting to compare nol to minhyuk in that aspect. maybe you will disagree but imo shinae's actions aren't necessarily romantic. i believe she'd be just as affected and do the same things if it was minhyuk, who is similarly meaningful to her. except with nol, there is a different layer to it. there is the soulmateism she isn't aware of (yet), but she IS aware of her heart thumping and not being able to hold his gaze, there's also the change in his behavior, and her attraction to rand which she still has to unpack (it's not just for comedic effect it's obvious she's projecting lol) and i cannot wait for her to do the math and realize what's happening lmao it will likely take her some time but that's fine. she'll get there 👍 and yes yes yes after everything these two (and kousuke too) have been through all i want is a happy ending whatever that may look like 🥺 and therapy for all of them. maybe they can get a group discount /j

-lil anon 😼

That is a REALLY good point about Yujing. It's partly why I do believe this piece she's working on started with her friend at the root - it HAS to be worth risking her career and potentially life. Yujing surely knows the risks she's taking. I remember at the beginning of 151 she tells her friend that what she's working on might take several years, but that it's something her friend would be very interested in. If Manli is the friend Yujing has that was sa'd, then it would give her a reason to chase the story, I think. Once she finds out Nol pled guilty, though, she calls her mysterious contact and the story that once was seemed like it would take years suddenly has only the amount of time as Nol's sentencing.

Isn't that interesting? I still am not entirely sure what to make of it. Clearly everyone expected Nol to plead not guilty, for the trial proceedings to take place, for Shinae to give her testimony. Also something that stands out to me - Meg was told her testimony wasn't needed, that it wouldn't matter if she testified anyway because it'd get thrown out and before Nol could get much more out of her, Yui appeared. Not so subtle, right?

That's a small tangent lol but the point is: yes, I think that this is an important story to Yujing, not just for her journalistic integrity, but for something more personal. Vindication for a friend? For multiple friends? Because while I don't know if Yujing is aware of the full extent of how Yui has raised Kousuke, I think she knows enough to sense otherwise. She was disappointed to find that Kousuke hadn't changed, much like Nol is disappointed he hasn't changed - in a way, they've been rooting for him to come to the conclusion we have, right? They've been waiting for him to really comprehend the full scope of his life the who his mother is.

Another interesting thing is that Yui absolutely tries to play her tricks with Yujing, to put on that maternal mask, but Yujing doesn't even bother entertaining her. Also, that day that she was interviewing Nol, Yujing wrapped up with Yui's entrance. She definitely has an inkling that Yui's presence would compromise Nol's responses and make him uncomfortable, and she could probably deduce that was exactly what Yui was hoping for, to meddle more than she already had.

And that comes to another point about Yui. She notes that what she's doing with Nol is below her paygrade and she's doing it as a favor to Rand, but I have to wonder if it wasn't rather self-serving. Nol's drug-related charges link right back to Yui, and we have enough to deduce that this isn't the first time Yui has provided such drugs. If you haven't read this post yet, please do! It poses an interesting link between Kousuke's college incident and Yui providing drugs.

All this to say: I think the story must be very important to Yujing for her to tackle it, knowing who Yui Hirahara is and what she's capable of. But it also leaves us wondering what kind of protection can Rand even provide? He couldn't protect Nol. He couldn't protect Kousuke, though perhaps he was just too late. He can't even really do much to protect himself. And the way the judge managing Nol's case just so happened to retire? We know she pulled some kind of strings, intimidated someone, something. She has so much power and we don't even know the extent of it all. So. What kind of protection can Rand even afford her?

But yes, I do worry about the outcome of this story, even though I also look forward to it. It feels like it will end up being a bombshell in a lot of ways. I also wonder about how the setting of ILY plays into this. In the past, quimchee has referred to it as the United States of Korea - not quite Korea, definitely not America, but as the story has unfolded and characters have gone to and from America, England, Ireland, Japan, does that mean we definitively are set in Korea - and if yes are we following Korean laws? Libel and slander in Korea are a big deal - you could sue someone for running a story defaming you, even if they reported the truth! And again, with the contacts Yui seems to have, I have to wonder what her reach is.

I guess that's what makes Yujing seem like such a cool and formidable character. I want to know what she knows lol i want to know what her angle is. Also while I'm talking about her, here's something interesting I just noticed. Yujing spoke of Kousuke and Nol with familiarity when she interrupted their fancy meal. She said that it was a surprise to see them getting along enough to eat because the atmosphere would be hostile whenever they were in the same room together. There's also that history between her and Nol and her dog Senator. It raises some questions - when has Yujing been around them together? Especially because of the way Yui played dumb about her; it could be an act altogether, asking if they went to university together full well knowing it's so.

Also one other thing while I'm on this subject lol. The morning that Yujing saw on the news Nol pleaded guilty, she was going through a news story about an altercation between Nol and Kousuke. Without knowing the angle of her story, I wasn't sure what this had to do with what she's working on - sure the framing of Nol as a bad person plays into it, but also - during his interview with Yujing, before it got cut off, he says to her "It's not the first time the truth has been twisted in the media to fit a narrative". Is he speaking about that article, the one that frames him as the aggressor? Is that the one Kousuke has that fabricated memory of? Ahhhhhhh the more I think about what Yujing is working on the more desperate I become to read it!

and please, i'm looking forward to you talking about them in more detail when/if you have the time <3

This will definitely be coming hopefully soon! It's just something that's been on my mind as I reread lol. Like you said, it's very delicately woven! For me, there's something about watching two characters really come to matter to each other; it's not something I feel like I'm good at writing myself, but it's something that just really gets to me. I'm definitely ILY for the story and learning about their pasts, and seeing what will come of everyone, but the possibility of romance is just the icing on the cake, tbh! I really enjoy scenes where we get to see Shinae be honest, and we tend to get those when Nol is involved lol. (But also while looking at some earlier chapters I got weirdly emotional re-reading Yujing and Shinae's first meeting at the mall, when she helped pick out clothes that flatter her and Shinae asked if it was weird or wrong to favor comfort over style and Yujing reassured her it's not. idk it was a nice little moment, Shinae deserves all the reassurance!)

But I definitely get what you mean! I think devotion DOES work - frankly I'm not a particularly religious person I think of devotion as lol one of those foundations for a lasting marriage/partnership lmao. And I don't think it necessarily needs to be seen as a romantic thing, either! I just enjoy the religious imagery of it because it makes it feel somehow... idk, transcendent? Since right, it's a stronger word that loyalty is! And I do agree that her devotion, her dedication, her insistence on being there itself is not inherently romantic, which is what I love about it!

Idk how to explain this so please bare with me lol. It's like... to me romance isn't a raging forest fire, because eventually that kind of fire will just. Burn up and one day all that will be left is ash. It burns hot and strong and it's passionate, until there's nothing left. But a steady burning flame? Something that isn't so extreme, isn't so magnificent? But it's steady and constant, it's reassuring. You can trust it to continue. Sure a candle will eventually burn itself out but it's not like that wildfire that just burns and consumes until there's nothing left.

So when it comes to romance and things that seem otherwise mundane, I love it SO MUCH. Because I think it really plays into that narrative of how do you even define platonic vs romantic love? Shinae could very well have the most platonic feelings about Nol and still want to sit by his bed and keep watch over him, to make sure he's okay, to make sure he doesn't go out of her sight again. She absolutely would do the same thing for Minhyuk, someone we know is one of the most important people to her outside of her family. She did it as much as she could for her father when he was in that same position, too.

there is the soulmateism she isn't aware of (yet), but she IS aware of her heart thumping and not being able to hold his gaze, there's also the change in his behavior, and her attraction to rand which she still has to unpack (it's not just for comedic effect it's obvious she's projecting lol) and i cannot wait for her to do the math and realize what's happening lmao

THE BIG DUMB SMILE THAT GREW ON MY FACE WHILE READING IT because that's it THAT'S EXACTLY IT lol that's why it just GETS to me! Because she WOULD do this for any other person she loves, anyone else who is important to her, but this isn't any other person, it's him, and it's the way she can't hold his gaze, it's their tendency to lean towards each other (metaphorically or literally), it's the way he's let his defenses down a little more than she's used to, it's the way he's acting on something she once upon a time thought he was and told him not to but now she's not so concerned about crossing that line. In fact, that's BEEN going on! She went from telling him not to be too familiar with her lest he make his girlfriend mad at him waaaaaaay back before the formal to LMAO holding his dumb hands because it brings her comfort so she assumes it will do the same for him. It's all those little things!!!!!!!!

I, too, am waiting for her to have that realization that this version of Nol, this side of him he's shown her, that intensity, is SO much like Rand LMAO. I fully agree - that was not simply for comedic affect LMAO that was a little seed planted (although, hands down, the conversation Nol and Kousuke have following that is one of my FAVORITE scenes. There's something about the way Nol is just. Talking to Kousuke like maybe they don't hate each other and maybe they aren't at each others' throats all the time, casually noting that sure he finds Dieter's mom hot but is he going to SAY so and Kousuke just like PLEASE SHUT UP THIS IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE such a FUNNY scene lmao).

BUT ANYWAY YEAH IT'S EXACTLY THAT!!!!!!! I love love that isn't grand and overstated. Like, that's fine and I definitely can enjoy a really grand gesture, they're fun to read! But I love the kind of love that blooms from a seed that was planted long ago and maybe you didn't even realize you were nurturing it but eventually it grows and will bloom and that bud has grown and it may not have completely unfurled itself but. In time!!! Soon!!!!! It's the "calling insistently to check up on you and worrying even when i'm told you're okay because i want to hear it for myself". It's the "defending you even when you aren't around to see it because it's not an act i put on you are special and i don't like it when people mistreat you." It's the way!!! Her acts of care!!!! Linger even after she's gone!!!!! It's the way he always seems to reel from whatever mark she's left - her hands bunching up his coat, the earbud she returns to him, the stupid chicken nugget hand holding. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH all these little moments that could just as easily remain platonic, except they're stirring something up!!!!!

That they are each people who aren't good at receiving care from others but end up doing exactly that for each other! And how they receive that concern and care! Nol always seems SO affected by the times she pays attention to him, when she notices things. The medicine she bought him!!!!!!! Because he is a person who deserves to be taken care of!!!! When no one else but Nana does that. ;A; Like alfkjakfjkjaf lmao see I'm accidentally going on the tangent already but that's! Exactly what I love about them. That, as you put it, they are so delicately woven, it's been happening all along but NOW we can see that tapestry they've been weaving. We can see exactly how they've affected each other in a way that's led to these flirty little fingers dancing, to this additional layer atop something that could be otherwise so platonic. It could be Minhyuk and she'd still be asleep at the side of his bed, but it's not, it's Nol, and that makes all the difference.

;A;!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GROUP DISCOUNT THERAPY FOR ALL!!!!!!!!! lmao I really do look forward to the end even though I HATE things ending and I tend to hold off finishing them as long as I can lmao because I get sad but ILY is special because I DO hope as many characters can get the happy endings they deserve, can find the comforting peace they need. I think everyone will always carry some kind of baggage, but bagage isn't as heavy if you can share it with someone, if someone can lighten the load. I mean that very platonically, too - I just want to see these characters find some kind of peace and have someone who understands, who gives them that space.

But I definitely want them all to get therapy LMAO PLS

[trickarrows-bishop]

LIVE BLOG OF ME REACTING TO EPISODE FIVE OF HSMTMTS

was gonna do this for episode four and forgot, kinda wish i did after all of THOSE scenes but anyways episode five lets GOOOOOO

[open with caution, i didn't realise how mentally unprepared i was]

THE WAY EJ WAS ON THE MOTHERFUCKING BANNER MADE ME SCREAM TBH LIKE BROTHER U WANT ME TO CRY FR FR

"richard bowen" "elton john" caswen is upon us (i cant even say im delusional because madlyn deadass nearly happened last episode)

"the musical is going swimmingly" girl u drowning dont lie

BYE NOT THE NEVER-ENDINGLY USED PLOT OF THE IDEA OF THE MUSICAL BEING CANCELLED I CANT GET AWAY FROM THIS FR

i gotta say kourtney repeatedly getting her moment is insane. like im so fucking happy rn over it its insane. like she's going therapy (WOOOOO THERAPY !!) and actually looking at her future !! im so happy for her im fr putting ms girl in my pocket

also when i found out her mom is played by dara's actual mom i screamed (not lying im so dramatic bye)

"lets start with questions!!" "great 'cause i have many" she is me and i am her. i am kourtney greene coded fr

4 JOBS??? EJ'S DAD CAN SUCK A DICK FR IDEC HE IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE MAN

i cant even say i want it made up bc ej said its a breath of fresh air and HE NEEDS THAT AIR FFS

"talking to val" WOHOOOO MENTION OF PAST CHARACTERS INSANE BEHAVIOR FROM THE WRITERS !! INSANE !! (im in delusion that nini will be back)

"you do look good" "thanks. you do look... terrible" real. ricky bowen me coded fr

cant believe we havent had one season where gina can just. have the lead. and no drama. like pls tim i was BEGGING like. at season two.

caitlyn (actress playing quinn the director) is so hilarious to me like i've been following her online for ages and bro its so funny seeing her on hsmtmts and doing exactly what she does in her other videos LMAO

"g force" i'll puke. fuck off.

GINA KINDA GAGGED QUINN THERE ???

LMFAO NOT HER CHANGING HER MIND JUST AT THE IDEA OF WINNING AN AWARD

EJ and ricky's duet lol they hate me. they want me to cry. im eight mins in too. cant wait to cry to this fr

update: crying over this duet what the fuc

can i just say how for certain songs on this soundtrack they've been HITTING or absolutely MISSING ???

this girl harper is GAGGING kourt LMAO "i see you standing here right now !!" SHES SO FUNNY FOR NO REASON

miss jenn is not using siri rn.

CARLOS BB :(

SIRI SHUSH WITH UR BEEPING

trust the process WOHOOOO

why is it thunderstorming JESUS

22 pages U FUCKIN WHAT (never been in a musical idk seems like a lot)

why is she always wearing a cheer outfit its deadass like the character's personality is cheer outfit bro

"3 children" i need to buy a GUN

quinn i was just routing for u babe why u posting such bullshit on instagram. and was that a FILTER?

BIG RED???FHHSDHFADSJGHFKSDJHFASDKJBFSKV

BIGGIE ???dFHAKSDHFAKSJDHGFKASHDG IS THAT MY SON ???? MY SON ???? IS HE ALSO WEARING GLASSES WHAT THE FUCK OF FUCKS

anyways let me actually play the scene LOLZ

HIS FIRST WORDS ARE "ASH YOU LOOK AMAZING" BYE CANT DO THIS WHY WAS I ROUTING FOR MADLYN FFS

YK WHAT? ASHLYN HAS TWO HANDS. YEAH. THAT CAN WORK FOR ME

grandma red's 100th!! everyone cheered fr (i am everyone)

"your last text said you had something important to tell me" no i am not about to witness redlyn break up. nononono.

I KNEW IT

THE FUCKING MOMENT SEB SAID HE CHEATED I CONNECTED THE DOTS I WAS LIKE

"HMMMMM BIG RED JUST CAME OUT AS BI ??? YOU CHEATED ???? IDK ??? MAYBE SEB HELPED OR SOMETHING" LITERALLY SAID THAT SHIT OUT LOUD AND I WAS RIGHT HOLY FUCK OF FUCKS

"surprise!!" boy- i don't have TIME to even unPACK-

"you okay?" "i am GREAT" me when i LIE

HOLD UP

DID HE JUST

DID RICHARD JUST

MENTION NINI???? WHA

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

THIS WASN'T ON MY HSMTMTS SEASON 4 BINGO CARD?!!!!????

yeah im salty about how shit of an exit that was for nini. next question.

"afraid of the truth?" do u want me to try and make this gay or not richard cuz i stg u are giving me some mixed ass signals

nevermind this is really sad and heartbreaking let me shut the fuck up

AND NOW WE GO BACK TO REDLYN OKAYYYY

THE MOVIES??? BIG RED AND SEB AT THE MOVIES ???

all of this is just so out of character for big red and seb like what

like ej was right there tim come ON

"we were at a harry styles movie" not the fucking millennial ass writing coming in NOW

"my bi origin story" how am i supposed to feel rn??? because i don't know how to feel. like. anything. at all.

GIRL YOU BETTER TELL HIM ABOUT VAL OR MADDOX ???

"yeah!!! she was cute!!!" "yes. she was." BAHAHHAHAJHFGDSKJ

"wait..." NOT THAT BEING THE WAY SHE CAME OUT BAHHDSJH

"there were fireworks... literally"

OHHHHH SHES TALKING ABOUT MADDOX TOO UHM

"YOU almost kissed MADDOX" bro idk if ur disgusted or proud pls elaborate

OH HE KNEW FROM THE DOC LMFAO

wait so im just like ??? meant to let go of redlyn ??

"im happy for you" kms where can i get a big red

aLSO I WANT A NAME REVEAL tim PLEASE

just watched redlyn break up. now FUCKING WHAT

"friends, though... right?" YOU BET YOUR ASS KING

"i will apologise to carlos. BUT YOU NEED TO CALL MADDOX" SO REAL THANK YOU BIG RED UR SUCH A KING

ashlyn stop doubting urself like GIRLIE everyone with EYES is down bad please. PLEASE.

WHY AM I WATCHING CARLOS AND MISS JENN HAVE A CRY SESSION ON SOME RANDOM ASS COUCH ???

why is rehearsals starting at 7 in the evening. that would not fucking slide at my school. ( if i ran a school) (not happening)

"FIFTY SIX MINUTES" girl even made me move tf?

KOURTNEY'S SHOES WHAT THE FUCK I NEED THEM RIGHT NOW

oh come on just hearing all of that she HAS to go to lewis

"i just learnt mack and gina are minors" GIRL ??? WHAT DID YOU THINK-

quinn shouting "CUT!!!" louder every time

"which felt like... nine days" WHY AM I LAUGHING

"because we're friends-" bro fuck off idc

GAG HIM G IT DONT MATTER

THINK OF THE MUSICAL GINA.

ricky PROMISED FR HE BETTER BE THERE

"hugs i love that we're doing this now!!" emmy I CANT NOT LOVE YOU

ASHLYN U MAKE THAT PHONE CALL THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU I NEED MADLYN RN

oh fuck i didn't realise that left carlos and big red FUCK

suddenly i DON'T want to be here

carlos can never be fully mad like if i found out someone had kissed my partner im 100% going to jail bc im so pissed off & i've probably killed someone, but why is he saying mf "good day!!" as he stormed off

MADISON FUCK OFF I AM NOT IN THE MOOD

fuck im really gonna have to have madlyn dragged out for me ffs

bro what is this weather on about tho

last time weather was important to plot it was like. keeping nini back in s2 e3 LMAO ???

EJ saying some important shit to ricky and its gonna make me cry again (its not even the finale and i have 17 mins of run time left of this episode FFS)

"im actually hurting them?" "no, you're actually hurting yourself" HOLY FUCK IM TOO VULNERABLE FOR THIS

CASWEN HUG AND IM GONNA RUN WITH IT FR

"stealing my girlfriends" BYE I CANT DO THIS

[puyocringe]

hey besties good ol fizzy "thefizzynator" "akira sora" "japanyoshilol" "haruruchandesu" "valvoice" "haleyhalcyon" still never gives it a rest with harassing users online. while thankfully(???????) the person in question is not a teenager on reddit minding his business or in the puyo fandom (i think), it is still very much charged with transphobic bullshit and more of the usual trying to feed her pathetic ego

content warning for transphobia, transmisogyny. it's going to be about a certain guiltied gears character with the gender identity discourse!

i guess pixiv added some emoji react feature and fizzy is being incredibly Smart Logical Mature about it by sending her followers to harass an artist with it. what could this possibly be about? hmm, well...

fizzy is claiming the artist "harassed" her over the topic of bridsket's gender identity in light of recent development in gultied gears strife. here's the translated convo fizzy provided herself which i am going to presently assume is accurate

whoa hwoa WHOA there. okay there's a lot going on here. okay. well first of all we can see fizzy was the one who initiated the conversation, and the artist has every right to reply when someone like fizzy is making.... extremely bizarre comments on their work. idk if that's what fizzy means by harassment. replying to something someone said is bad i guess.

now, i am not personally familiar with the LGBT scene and culture in Japan, but, considering there are trans feminine drag queens here in America, it's safe to assume the same occurs in other countries. i think most people here know LGBT history, culture, and all surrounding it is a HUGE thing with very very widely different experiences between people, so someone who used to be a crossdressing guy can transition in a way that they see fit, right? well anyways we already know fizzy has an extremely rigid view of what makes someone real transgender enough so whatever i guess

idk where to even begin that, when a story's text and writers heavily imply or outright show a character being transgender, so people come to their conclusion, "that is a transgender character", it's suddenly equivalent to Conversion Therapy of all things. i don't even know where to begin with unpacking this. it'll be a different post maybe. also the "Western extreme left"" shit. lol.

anyways someone did bring up to fizzy her past behavior she displayed in the Puyo and DDR communities and has dismissed it, because, and i quote, "created by an angsty teen to call out random people he hates". i have a feeling she doesn't know what the actual post contents were or that she's deliberately making shit up. or both.

anyhow something i noticed with her recent followers she is trying to sic on some artist all share some similar hentai addict traits because fizzy has voluntarily put herself up as a Japanese transgender woman in support of those poor oppressed femboys missing their representation by bridsket. what an amazing hero, is what she probably thinks to herself, because it gets her attention by people who will deliberately ignore her past of harassing people and being a predator.

there's more images but, the document that details fizzy's shit in just the past two years has them and i will be providing a url on my pinned post but you can also find the document if you look thru my blog enough too. there's a lot to unpack with this woman

[curejiraiya]

I don't usually like to headcanon more modern things into a story that are unrealistic to happen, at least not on a public post lol. like ik the average teenager in Japan 10 years ago isn't getting therapy as an option for their ailments I know that, but god idk I have to headcanon that both Hiro and Kouji get therapy between Rainbow Live and King of Prism they needed it so so so bad.

Kouji really needs to unpack how learning about how his father actually died and how the responsibilities of an adult were thrust on him when he was only a child caused him to distance himself mentally from everyone and everything, allowed insane depression to develop, and caused his self esteem to tank. like he got FUCKED up rightfully so by his dads death, did not grieve correctly, and then he's thrown even more information about it again when he's only like 15. That would literally make someone grieve again, he needs to talk to a professional and I think he does.

and fuck Hiro has so much to unpack. it's so much he needed to be in therapy by the age of 3. but specifically in the time gap he needed to work on his self esteem (he doesn't do this) but also his depression. like no I understand why he loses heart and motivation once Kazuki breaks his pride and snaps him to reality. But man, he has the eyes of a broken person. You don't just shift from broken and unable to function to completely normal overnight, there's a lasting impression even when things do get better. I think he got help getting back to normal. plus all the other problems he needs to unpack, his mom, his past, fuck his EVERYTHING.

Idk that man needs medication it would help him so so much and I think it does! I think that's how he gets better; a solid support group and medical help. there's my headcanon. Same with Kouji, like he has the strength to go to America and help and not shut down completely when something is going wrong because he got on medication and got help.

I also think like they continue this treatment lol, maybe when they're actually adults and not teenage adults they could look internally and decide if they still need help, and Kouji probably wouldn't anymore but Hiro's problems are lifelong. but through out Pride the Hero they're definitely still in therapy and on meds, or like at least had to pause their treatment for the plot of that movie and go back to it after.

actually this is my headcanon I can just say what I think happened. I think Kouji stops cuz he's in fucking America I don't think it's realistic to expect someone to see a therapist in a country they do not live in when they're like on a visa. that's what he is on right like he's 17 and he's on a work visa. do they even do that? google says there's no age limit so that's fine. but (even though his reaction is perfect I would not change a THING) I think it has him emotionally distancing himself again. like he puts it on himself to take this huge burden of raising money to save the school. he feels like he HAS to do this, which is true lol but he doesn't ask for help or mourn the loss of the fucking end of his senior year in highschool he just accepts it and goes to America. I feel like he probably wasn't doing very mentally well during that bit of his life lol and to be taken away (literally by being in a different country) from his mental health care would compound that issue. yeah. meanwhile I feel like Hiro is kinda a dope right, he probably still is in therapy throughout pride the hero because he doesn't really have a reason not to be, I just think he's probably not talking about anything important (I did this irl when I was slightly younger then he was in this movie so maybe this is a projection thing). like Hiro's like "hello therapist! today we will talk about the stress I feel when I think about this one specific and inconsequential piece of my childhood, and not idk my entire world crumbling down before me because of some distance between me and the man I like." like he's not emotionally mature enough to address the real problems he's facing yet, because unlike when he got therapy after Rainbow Live the problems aren't over.

but like that doesn't say anything about their characters idk I think it takes a LOT of strength to say "hey I need help" like THAT'S where they grew after Rainbow Live. they grew so much that they got the strength to be able to ask for help. they matured enough to realize they needed it, and to realize that no adult was going to do it for them.

idk I mean this actually isn't a crazy headcanon lmfao but I don't post headcanons usually cuz I'm scared people will make fun of my opinions ;-; but but this is an important one to meeeee these two boys need help! and I think they get it. they deserve to get it

[bignutspatrol]

aight got rid of the irls. mental illness rambling, not anything negative, just reflecting again. big talk on dissociation so avoid if thats an issue for u

idk we used to be so terrified of the whole 'integration' thing but there is something so.. calming and beautiful(?) in acting as one. we're still different in a way, but we're so blurred together that there may as well be no difference between one another. 'switches' are basically seamless at this point, though we never had too much of an issue with that. Amnesia isnt an issue, i mean theres still some memories that we cant really.. access or thinking about it brings up a mental "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS" mental prompt. but like, with no real therapy getting this far is pretty good, no? i dont think i can get too much farther on my own, but thats fine for now. i think theres one or two parts that havent been integrated, judging from gaps and things ive just kinda observed. dissociating is still kind of an issue, but its hard to tell how much of that is from mental illness and how much is from my physical shit just being really bad rn. its never for very long though, and i can snap myself out of it at this point. looking back at how i used to feel like i was.. only ever vaguely aware of things going on, voices just constantly ordering around the body like im a puppet, the fear i felt back then. felt like i was drowning in pure ass dissociation. man. shits so much better. i mean theres also the fact that we actually communicate but. its so relieving to feel like im actually in control, and to actually be in control at least at times. and also to be able to actually trust my parts now too. i still cant tell who the fuck or what the fuck i am but thats fine? i dont think it matters too much at this point. sometimes it bothers me, but like....idk man, friends say im nice n cool, so who cares. i can recognize i have some bad habits and shit, and try to work on them... and the obsession with art is pretty consistent. so is this rambling. dont think what or who i am matters much past that. we've been mostly present the last year or so and its just... its so amazing how we act when we aren't clouded in that shit. feels like a completely new person. i mean it basically is lol but. its so fucking good, i thought i was just an asshole before that but nope! just hard to care or interact with people when your mind does not exist. turns out im kinda funny and bitches like that! who fucking knew. idk when i get that driving license i think ill finally bother to get a therapist. got some things i wanna do that i can only do when i get over the whole trauma shit.

even with all that said a lot of this progress happened /after/ being single. bpds like that lol. man im so fucking glad im over the whole 'if im single i wont be able to live, i can only have a happy life if im with someone' etc shit. i get where its coming from, have that compassion, etc etc, but like... Oh man. Hindsights 20/20. turns out i fucking love myself and love being on my own. i just also love chaotic slightly-bad relationships (i have some standards. not good ones.). gotta work on that too... hah. seriously funny that i kept going on and on abt how good my relationship with [several year dude] was and then. oop. hindsight hits, turns out! probably not that great. especially in the last year. i mean he did cheat on me after leaving me in the dark for months on end so like, no shit, but. idk best not to go into detail on that one. think some ppl that know him follow here lmao. dude is fine, just a bad partner. not abusive just not a good fit for me at all. maybe i just dont understand other depressed people at all lmao? tho my depression is kinda wacky since my emotions are kinda wacky as hell. gonna absolutely have to unpack that one with a therapist. i totally get why its like that but lmaooo solving that is too hellish for me.

[citrus-cactus]

Finished the story of Psychonauts 2 last week! It was really good. Like, REALLY, really good. I don’t have anything profound to say, but here are my thoughts if you wanna read ‘em. Obviously there are SPOILERS BELOW, so click at your own risk if you haven’t played into post-game! (FWIW, I HIGHLY recommend playing this game as spoiler-free as possible. And play the original, while you’re at it!).

Here’s a pretty tame spoiler that I don’t think anyone will mind me sharing though: RAZ IS A CUTE. JUST LOOK AT HIM:

Things I appreciated:

Raz asking permission before entering almost every brain

PET THE GOATS

BOBBY DANCE

Getting to see Whispering Rock a couple of different ways! Actually, the theme of showing events from multiple perspectives (and the different forms of trauma resulting from certain events) was really good.

Raz helping the Psychic Seven help themselves. The game is so gentle with these old damaged hippies. SO GOOD.

QUEEPIE AND FRAZIE and just… all the Aquatos, man. What a group.

The family being given space to grieve together (important) before yeeting their middle boy into the whirlpool (badass). And them still having a lot to unpack/figure out post-game. It’s complicated, man! Of COURSE they wouldn’t have it all figured out yet!

Larry and Pam! LOL.

SAM BOOLE, WTH. Best dialogue tree in the game??? XDDDD

WHOMST in-universe put the graffiti on the back side of the funicular? Oleander?? :O

I have not finished the Scavenger Hunt yet, so idk if Raz gets his clothes back. I’m betting not *shakes psychic fist at Norma* XD

Powers and combat were all really cool!

ANIMATION! ALSO!! REALLY!!! GOOD!!!!!

I’M STILL LOSING MY DANG MIND OVER RAZ’S ARCHETYPE, good god. Double Fine, you mad geniuses, how DARE you stage a Zim/Gir reunion in the year 2021??? If anyone has ever equipped the pin that mutes that delightful little paper lad, I cannot emphasize enough how dead you are to me XD

I thought Cassie sounded a little like Mona Marshall?? The credits proved me wrong, but there were several moments I thought “…maybe??” (I have a much easier time ID’ing her when she’s playing a boyish character than a woman, whoops!)

So much symbolism in the brains! “Subtle” is maybe the wrong word to use, but between some of the throwaway dialogue, the different subsections in each, and the different set designs, most of the mental states just felt more… complex? nuanced? than the first game.

I don’t actually know if I could pick a favorite level! Compton’s Cookoff was definitely the most unique (I would have appreciated the option to try the food challenges again, but “getting the best time” is obviously NOT THE POINT, so kudos to the game making it about the story/character and not about the player here!), and I really enjoyed the paper-and-book-aesthetic of Cassie’s! Bob’s boss battle was one of the most poignant, but the 60’s psychedelic aesthetic and Nona’s different layers were really creative and fun. I also liked that we got a few different styles for Raz (especially in the 2D sections!) but I always could have used more!

On that note though, CENSORS! IN!! SEQUINS!!! XDDDDDDD

THE MUSIC!!! My husband and I JUST realized that Peter McConnell scored the Sly Cooper series as well, so we have newfound RESPECT and AWE for this guy’s ability to write absolutely fantastic music in so many distinct styles and genres. Both of the songs w/ lyrics also slap.

The return/spiritual successor of Goggalor (Pootie-lor???). Amazing. Incredible. Did not expect it, loved it for how narratively important it was. The ending in general just made me quite emotional.

The post-game conversation between Truman and Lilli. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but it absolutely RADIATES Tim Schafer dad/real-life daughter energy.

The Grulovia level was a really interesting way to introduce a villain. Based on every level previous, I was actually prepared for the game to offer some sympathetic facet of Gristol (such as finding out the ride was something he had been conditioned to think from a lifetime of hearing an idealized version of the story from his parents, and it was somewhere he would go to rationalize his actions despite not really believing them… or something), but obviously the longer you spend there, the more you realize it’s something he constructed himself, and he is actually delusional (er, delugional) about Maligula and his family’s legacy. Really sets up an interesting parallel with Raz, in a way. Gristol’s mental state is essentially that of a child… but Raz is an ACTUAL child, and demonstrates more maturity, empathy and understanding than both Gristol the kid (see the Mental Vaults) and Gristol the adult. Kind of amazing he was able to fool a whole building full of psychics for as long as he did (and I guess he was a fine mail clerk too??), but tl;dr I like how the game’s “true” villain is the only one who is unable to change/experience any sort of remorse for his actions (maybe the jury’s still out on Dr. Loboto though XD)

A little concerned that Hollis said Gristol’s fate was to be “experimentation,” and only corrected to say “therapy” when questioned by Raz. UM. This game does make it part of its point showing us the flaws in the Psychonauts, both as an organization and as individuals, leaving them in a bit of a mortally grey area (who are clearly mismanaging their resources if they have a whole Motherlobe of agents doing who-knows-what and their primary source of funding is running summer camps for psychic children). I am… definitely concerned about what Hollis said (as well as Otto’s assertion that he would be picking up where the Seven left off!), but I guess I can accept it as part of the theme that no one and nothing is perfect. Maybe that’s sequel fodder though??? (hey, I can dream about Psychonauts 3, can’t I? XD)

Genuinely though, I’m just… SO PROUD OF RAZ. He’s going to be such a good agent someday!!!*cries forever over one begoggled psychic acrobat son boy*

[ufogoo]

FINALLY watched rise of titans !!! my thoughts under the cut :)) (spoilers inbound)

ngl i loved it !! i know a LOT of people are mad at the ending, and its like the type of ending i didnt know id like but i liked it a lot !!! unpredictable, but made sense, and the happiest of the endings for sure. im so not against trollhunter toby, yet i did hope jim would continue bearing that mantle (yet who can blame him that boy needs rest and therapy). the whole time travel stuff also was okay with me ! which is surprising usually i hate like,, story whiping back to the beginning plotlines. and i guess it wasnt my go to but if it makes jim happy im happy LOL.

idk how i wouldve ended it all really, something that kept jim as the trollhunter yet everyone alive, and picking up present day, (like maybe jim and douxie go on a mission throughout the timeline to fix mistakes, speedrun it all). yet its not my story ! and im ok with that :)!!

i did hate mpreg steve a lot. like i hated it. AND ELI GLOW UP?? a LOT to unpack.

lastly douxie my fav :) i love him sm and im glad he is ok. thats it

nonetheless: enjoyable movie, the plot i wont think too much on, it was good, angsty, and the animation... GOD IT WAS SO NICE. overall incredibly enjoyable !!! that just be my thoughts :)

[izzy-b-hands]

Tagged by @dabitchisback​ thank you!!!!

do you make your bed?

dsalfd nope. I should probably, at least once in a while, but I’m always going to just...use it again...and no one else is gonna see it...and even if they were, if that bugs them, then they probably wouldn’t be in my room to begin with lol. 

what’s your favourite number?

2 and 6 seem to follow me in my life a lot, so I guess I like those okay!

what’s your job?

Medical switchboard operator is the Big Official Title aka I answer phones for an eye clinic 

if you could go back to school, would you?

I would really like to get my Master’s, so yeah, if I could do it with no debt and with the guarantee that any job I would have during that time would let me keep my schedule flexible, then hell yeah I’d go back.

can you parallel park?

...I’m too gay (and anxious w/some PTSD related to past car accidents) to even know how to drive. I don’t even have my permit or license lol. 

a job you had that would surprise people?

Probably none of them? Because I haven’t had very many. My first was an after school gig from like...fourteen to about sixteen at the neurology clinic my mum worked at, putting their physical, old-school, paper charts together with that days dictation updates. Then I worked at the local public library for about six years, and then I ended up at the eye clinic and have been there nearly seven years now I think? None of which are real surprising places for me I suppose.

do you think aliens are real?

Yeah? I guess? Idk, I figure they could be, but also if I was them, I don’t think I’d bother with the Earth. That’s just my thoughts on it.

can you drive a manual car?

No, but I once had to help my granddad move a barely working one slightly down a hill, so I have technically driven one, kinda (if pushing lightly on the gas for two seconds and then helping park it so it doesn’t roll counts lol)

what’s your guilty pleasure?

I don’t know? I’ve been in therapy long enough to be trained to like...not have those because otherwise I let myself be consumed by guilt and then feel terrible for weeks after doing whatever it is I’ve just done even if that thing is totally harmless to myself and others, SO. Long story short, maybe chocolate? Because sometimes I eat more than I maybe should in one sitting? 

tattoos?

*cracks knuckles* okay here we go with The List. I have my Queer/Love tattoo on the in and outside of my left wrist, my Ghost (the metal band) rat pope on the outside of my left forearm with a Grucifix near it on the very bottom interior of my forearm, just before the Love of aforementioned wrist tattoo, my David Bowie tribute tattoo with symbols from Ziggy Stardust and Aladdin Sane and Blackstar, my Avatar Country tattoo on the outside of my left upper arm, just above that is the bird that is the mom/kid tattoo me and my mum got, and right on the center of my left shoulder/upper arm is my Saints Row purple Fleur de Lis. 

Going across to my chest: I have a creepy/sad eye flash piece that Rich designed right in the center of my chest (and yes, that part of the body really fucking hurts getting tattooed, but it was worth it lol), and then a Halloween Jack-O-Lantern flash also designed by Rich. On my right shoulder and upper arm I have my Devil’s Carnival half sleeve, on the outer portion of my right forearm I have my Black Waltz Avatar lyrics tattoo, on the interior of my right forearm is my Repo! The Genetic Opera tattoo, and then I have Freddie’s signature on the inside of my right wrist, and ‘life’ in his handwriting on the outside of my right wrist. 

On my left thigh, just kinda near my hip area there, idk how to describe it?? I have my Freddie ‘Cat Daddy’ Mercury heart tattoo that was some flash designed by the other tattoo artist I see a lot now named Nikki, then lower on that thigh is Rich’s signature piece of a snail, then on that ankle I have a cute lil flower flash by Rich, then finally on my right lower leg/calf I have my Freddie memorial tattoo with his fave flowers and colors and his initials. 

I would go on about all the ones I want to get done (sometime in the future, since I have to sorta slow down on tattoos to save money for my transition stuff) but that would make this entry even longer so...we’re just gonna leave that for a different post lol. 

favourite colour?

I have more than one, but my mainstay one nowadays is yellow!

favourite type of music?

My mum raised me on rock and roll, but I also like pop and hip hop and just...idk I like a lot of stuff lol. I’ll give most music a try if someone gives me a CD or shoots me a Spotify link. 

things that people do that drive you crazy?

Purposefully and pridefully ignorant people who don’t care if their ignorance hurts others, and also I hate hearing people chew and swallow and shit. idk why, the sound just Sucks. 

do you like doing puzzles?

I love puzzles, but I often don’t have enough space to finish them (my Queen puzzle is glaring at me, half finished, rn lmao.)

any phobias?

Oh Jesus. So many. They’re all dumb af and relate to various odd PTSD shit and/or minor trauma from my childhood and/or stuff with my anxiety (and like all of this is co-morbid/intertwined per my therapist so like...aldsfaj it’s all A Lot.) I’m legit too embarrassed of them to say any of them here, forgive me. 

favourite childhood sport?

I was actually decent at volleyball, so that was one I didn’t try to get out of in gym class. That and tennis and badminton. I get bad competitive with badminton though like the Jock in me comes out that normally barely even exists. 

do you talk to yourself?

Sometimes yeah. Out loud if I’m alone. My therapist is cool with it because it helps me work through stupid anxiety shit a lot of the time, so like it’s dumb, but also If It Ain’t Broke Don’t Fix It, ya feel?

what movie do you adore?

Oh god A Lot. I’ll just say Rocketman for now for a recent one, and Kiki’s Delivery Service for a childhood/still current one, because if I actually list all the movies I’ve adored since I was a kid, this post will become too big to post lol.

coffee or tea?

Tea, especially chai. 

first thing you wanted to be growing up?

I don’t know actually. I thought about that recently, and realized the answer is probably writer, but that I only wanted to be that after adults told me I was good at it and I earned approval from them, which is Definitely Something, but we don’t have time to unpack all that! 

Tagging @skylinepigeon, @s-k-y-w-a-l-k-e-r (I’m not sure if I should use your side or main for this, my bad if I tagged the wrong one on here!!), @the-heebiejeebies, and anyone else who wants to do this!!

[scrunglie]

im going to reach out today to see if i can either start up sessions again with a new therapist that i had a couple sessions with last spring, or get a referral for a psychiatrist from a provincial help line. maybe both. both would honestly probably be good, especially since I've never seen a psychiatrist and my old doctor told me she thought i would definitely benefit from it.

idk i think I've just been putting off getting professional help for a while because it was overwhelming to sort out and because I've still been taking my own steps to take care of myself and I've definitely made improvements, which im proud of, but i had a realization yesterday that my mental is still in much worse shape than i thought and i Definitely need professional help to work through improving it.

i feel like i have soooooo many pent up thoughts and emotions that i haven't properly processed or addressed and in my head it feels like rushing water trapped behind a dam and i can feel the pressure building. it's so uncomfortable to carry around. i think part of me is only now realizing that i have So Many feelings i need to unpack, from years ago even. and recent stuff too.

and i honestly don't know what to do about it other than therapy tbh? my own thoughts and emotions have always been so confusing to me lol. and communicating them in any way has been a lifelong struggle. they feel so abstract and hard to pin down. I keep trying to pick up journaling as an outlet for my thoughts/feelings, but honestly i kinda struggle with written communication? maybe some kind of oral journal would work because typically talking is the easiest way for me to express myself, i think because i can talk faster than i can write so i can keep up with the speed of my brain a little better lol

im not really sure what the point of this post is or if it even has one but i think i just needed to get Something out of my brain to lessen the pressure on the dam a bit. this post feels a little all over the place but that seems to be the default setting in my brain lol. i feel like therapy is gonna be Interesting because i really don't know where to start other than uncorking the dam in my head and just letting it all rush out

[insporaelynn]

📲 raelynn && ivy

WHEN: january 25th

DESCRIPTION: raelynn & ivy finally become friends.

TRIGGER WARNINGS: nsfw

@ivyisms

ivy

You are now subscribed to Ivy Serrano Pictures Daily. Here’s your first picture! To cancel, reply STOP. To increase to hourly pictures, reply HOURLY. Msg and data rates may apply.

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raelynn.

STOP

ivy

Your subscription has been increased to hourly! You must be a big fan! Here’s another picture. To cancel subscription, reply STOP at any time. Msg and data rates may apply.

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raelynn.

[...]

Okay, hi ivy.

ivy

Command not recognized. You must want another picture already!

raelynn.

I looked at the number, I know you're not a bot.

Those shorts are cute.

ivy

aren’t they? sometimes there’s a little cheek that peaks out i love them

raelynn

I love how they're cut at the bottom wtf where did u get them

also?? legs?? hello??

ivy

i cut them myself actually!! out of some old jeans

actually wait stop don’t distract me with compliments i don’t like you

raelynn.

OMG of course duh why didn't i think of that-

i don't know you to not like you

and i swear that's not some kind of diss. i just legit have never met you.

ivy

weird cause you acted like you knew me the other day in the chat lmao

raelynn.

okay so let's unpack that.

tell me how you felt i was acting like i knew you.

i'm not fighting, i don't have anymore of that in me today, i am just genuinely coming from a place of wanting to understand what happened

ivy

what is this, therapy?

do you seriously not remember?? i mean you had a lot to say about me

raelynn.

no but i wish

i don't remember genuinely.

i make a lot of people mad. i'm good at it. i'm a total fucking bitch.

ivy

something about me being jealous because i’m the only one not so far up wes’s ass that i can see what a terrible fucking person he is

lol same but at least i remember so i know who to avoid

raelynn.

OH it was about wes.

it was the day people were kind of piling on him. okay. yes.

See I don't remember saying that but I won't deny that I did because it sounds like me.

If I get high enough on defense I'll just start saying shit.

Wasn't cool for me to say that about someone I don't even know, so I'm sorry.

As for inserting myself into that drama, you know, I probably was just in the mood to - in the words of Tiffany Pollard, "ruin lunch, purposely"

And I mean, I didn't know anything about it, and when I think about how shit I feel now that my ex is back in town, and how shit I feel that so many people are willing to jump in front of a bus for him, you know, I get how it looked, and how it felt, and you know, I'm sorry for that too tbh.

ivy

to be fair he deserves it when people pile on him

he’s such an insufferable asshole all the fucking time i swear

you know what though i respect the chaos and willingness to fight for no reason

i’m just the wrong one to do it to

but like i said before (idk if you remember lol) everybody makes mistakes

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

everybody has those days?

ivy

and that dumbass truly is not worth fighting over i just simply have to make it known how much i hate him every time he speaks in case he forgets and in case everyone else forgets how much he sucks

exactly

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

tbh that's exactly what came over me when my ex showed up

ivy

they’re wise words you know

exes are stupid every single one of them

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

and the fact that someone i considered a friend is just moving in with him like it's no big deal.

ivy

you mean delilah? she does that lol

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

she really doesn't think about anyone outside of herself and i've always given her the benefit of the doubt.

but idk. i'm not talking to her rn.

ivy

those twins are a menace sometimes

i want to like her so bad but her and alex constantly fighting and making up and fighting is about to make me snap

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

honestly being her friend while watching her do that is even harder.

i like alex on his own but with her? not so much, and well, i'd say vice versa but idk about vice versa anymore.

i mean what kind of weirdo moves in with their friends' ex even if they've "known them forever"

ivy

alex is my ride or die he’s the only man i’ll ever admit i love

and he left me and disappeared for a while because of her

so it’s hard to move on even if his stupid ass is

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

people love doing that. leaving.

ivy

don’t they? like grow up and face it smh

i’m never letting anyone run me out of my city idc what happens

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

my entire life is here and if carson thinks i'm going anywhere he can physically fight me

ivy

i don’t really know him but i’d still put my money on you winning any day

as long as you don’t come for my throat again you seem like the kind of person i’d be friends with

a bad bitch tbh

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

tbh you're so hot and i regret yelling at you instead of asking for your number

ivy

i mean you got it anyway didn’t you

i’m gonna tell myself it was all just a long game to get my number

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃

omg our new origin story is that i was just shy

ivy

i don’t blame you, people tell me i can be intimidating

and that’s a much better origin story than us being this hot and beefing over a m*n

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

honestly i'm about ready to leave m*n in the past. imagine the energy that could be saved. the eye bags i wouldn't have.

ivy

me too i’m trying to condition myself to just be a lesbian i’ve had enough of m*n in general

all men do is lie and have the audacity

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

god i hate my fucking ex.

i truly can't say that enough.

i'm literally a bad bitch why am i fucking crying over hot chocolate and watching a ryan murphy show on netflix.

ivy

you are down so bad i’m so sorry

at least you still have taste ryan murphy shows are usually really good

we should go out drinking soon and i can help remind you what a bad bitch you are

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

Id love that. Im working tonight but maybe like Friday?

ivy

i have plans friday

what about saturday?

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

That works

ivy

perfect it'll be our first step to world domination bc i already know we're gonna be too powerful together

if a m*n tries to talk to me just like bark at them or something pls

𝓇𝒶𝑒𝓁𝓎𝓃𝓃

god that's so sexy of you

[niuxita21]

And since I’ve started blogging regularly about TV shows again after about a couple of years of finding my happy place in women’s football, I just need to be intense about the season 2 premiere of El Embarcadero for two seconds and then I’ll be fine.

I was legit terrified of watching this episode lmao because the s1 finale left me SHOOKETH and there were just so many ways to go from there but I was only going to be OK with a couple of them so for me there was a lot riding on how they chose to develop things after Alex’s shocking confession in the last few seconds of the finale and the new development of her possibly having realized her feelings for Verónica. My worst case scenario was a time jump of like a year or so to account for the passage of time in real life (maybe?) So IMAGINE my surprise and delight when the episode starts and it picks up right where they left off (even a few seconds earlier), like, I knew it was going to be a good episode when just a few seconds in and I already approved of the decisions being made.

The fact that we got a redo of the bed makeout scene but this time better shot and with NO ÓSCAR anywhere to be seen like ???? Did someone read my innermost thoughts and find out that I was a bit disappointed in the eclectic camera work that didn’t let me see shit and in Óscar being interspersed with Alex and Verónica kissing for the very first time in the finale? WHO SAID god is not real????

The confrontation post-confession went about exactly as I’d hoped/imagined it would with Verónica getting mad and kicking Alex out almost immediately without letting her explain. I did enjoy the glimpses we got of their fight before Alex left, with both of them getting super intense and in each other’s faces, made all the more delicious by the height difference. That said, I had to LOL at Alex’s “You came into my house and stole the love of my life, you can’t kick me out of your house!” bc LMAO gurl, I love you to pieces but whaaaa?? Lots to unpack here but bottom line, it’s OK, you did just makeout with a hot lady for the first time in your life, it’s understandable that you wouldn’t be thinking straight (ha!)

Verónica deciding that the best way to deal with her anger at being betrayed by “Martina” is to BURN ALL HER SHIT LMAO. That is a totally sane and healthy reaction to a friend breakup, shall we say, and not at all an indication of some deeper feelings there. Nope, not at all.

I loved that Alex said in therapy that she thought what happened to her with Verónica with respect to her inability to pull away from her was the same thing that happened to Óscar, because that’s what I’ve always thought. Like I can totally see why Óscar and Alex would be drawn to each other, they’re both hot, adorable, type-A nerds, so it also makes sense that they would be drawn to the same type of person who comes into their lives and puts everything completely upside down just by virtue of being like no one they’ve ever met before. Also, Alex saying she’s having trouble dealing with Verónica’s absence, nawwwww. This show is just committed to giving me everything I want and it’s only episode 1!!!

The scene between Verónica and Conrado was interesting on a couple of levels. 1) He finally showed his true colours as the typical man who appears to be a cool and understanding dude until something comes between him and a woman he has decided he wants and then the aggressive, possessive alpha-male jumps out. Bit disappointing ngl because I thought he was one of the good ones. And 2) Verónica’s “What do you want with [Alex]?” (roughly), just a few shades from being jealous, and “I’ll step away if I want to” made me think that she was legit gonna pursue something with Alex just to piss off Conrado, but thankfully that was not the case. I did like that it was a subtle continuation of the way she’d been tuning into the thing between Alex and Conrado in the last two episodes of season 1. I always thought it was the beginnings of jealousy because she was starting to develop feelings for Alex so we’ll see if I was right and she ever brings it up when they get together for real.

THE BATHTUB SCENE. Possibly my favourite moment between these two in the entire series so far, dethroning the hug at the beach in the season 1 finale. I mean, UGH, where do I even start. The way Alex looks down at Verónica naked in the bathtub with such tenderness and asks her if she’s OK. Her “I’m not leaving, I can’t be away from you” in response to Verónica kicking her out. The way you can see the wheels turning inside her head and weighing the options of doing what Verónica is ordering her to do or staying and continuing to fight to get her back, until the latter finally wins out and she straight up TAKES HER SHOES OFF and gets into the bathtub with her. Like, she doesn’t say a single word, but that’s her grand gesture right there and it does all the work for her because a few seconds later, Verónica breaks down and pulls her into the tightest softest hug and at this point I DON’T KNOW HOW I AM STILL ALIVE. Also, this shot:

Like what kind of epic love story shit is this??? And then:

How TIGHTLY Verónica is wrapped around Alex I can’t deal with any of it.

And then Verónica pulls Alex down with her and all of a sudden they’re CUDDLING IN THE BATHTUB WITH ALEX FULLY CLOTHED AND LAYING COMPLETELY ON TOP OF A VERY NAKED VERÓNICA BECAUSE OF HOW TINY SHE IS LIKE HOW IS THIS A REAL THING THAT I’M WITNESSING WITH MY OWN TWO EYES I CAN’T EVEN. And then Verónica apologizes to Alex for ruining her marriage and Alex quips that she never even found out and they both laugh and like, it’s amazing that they’re already at a place where they can joke about that like it’s nbd I’m just :))))

That said... it did feel like Verónica came around way too quickly. IDK it seems to me that Alex would have had a bit more explaining to do before Verónica felt like she was OK with forgiving her like, no offense to that tiny, possibly lesbian disaster, I mean, I love her, but what she did to Verónica was messed UP even if she WAS her husband’s mistress, and at the very least I feel like Alex needed to apologize for deceiving her like that. Maybe the key to all this is that mysterious message Alex said she left for Verónica but that we didn’t listen. Maybe she apologized and explained herself at length knowing Verónica probably wouldn’t let her do it in person? That makes sense to me. Hopefully we get to hear it in later episodes, given how timey-wimey the storytelling is on this show.

ALSO, Verónica calling her “Alejandra” for the first time. Ugh, I love this song. As a sidenote, I always headcanoned that, once Verónica found out who Alex really was, she would always call her by her full name and not by her nickname. It just seems to jive with what we know of her character so far. Let’s see if I’m right.

The whole sequence of Alex, Verónica, and Sol having a happy family afternoon riding the horse, playing tag on the beach, and having a tortilla de patata contest all set to that happy-go-lucky “Suspicious Mind” song is what serotonin is made of. My goodness. It’s impossible not to smile while watching it. And my biggest takeaway is Alex’s big ass SMILE:

She’s SO HAPPY. This little family that she conned her way into makes her so genuinely HAPPY and it melts my heart. 

Alex telling Verónica she thinks Óscar was murdered and then “If you think someone killed him, I’m gonna help you find whoever did it.” Like DO YOU KNOW how much I wanted these two to team up and try to figure out what really happened to Óscar together??? I just figured, if it ever happened, it would be like halfway through the season at the very least, because that’s how long I imagined it would take Verónica to forgive Alex for deceiving her, so to have it happen already? IS IT MY BIRTHDAY OR SOMETHING??? And just, like, the amount of TRUST she already has in Alex, like not 24 hours have passed since she found out who she really is but she’s already willing to follow whatever theories she has and assuming she’s right. It makes me so happy.

Alex not being able to sleep next to a topless Verónica because she’s so attracted to her? Brilliant, fantastic, amazing, showstopping, spectacular, *chef’s kiss*, etc.

That whole morning scene when Alex wakes up and starts freaking out because Sol is gonna be late for school, like, she’s already acting like such a MOM to her, I can’t handle it. But my favourite part was how she asks Verónica “Did you burn ALL my clothes?” with not an ounce of reproach in her voice, she just wants to know if there’s anything in that house that she can wear to her meeting to save time, and Verónica’s like “I can lend you something” and Alex, “Something appropriate for a meeting with architects?” and Verónica fake ponders, “Hmm... let me think... nope,” clearly pulling her leg. I just ADORE how, now that the jig is up and Alex is being herself with Verónica, this new dynamic is starting to take shape wherein Alex can be all type-A with Verónica and Verónica just teases her about it without Alex even getting mad, the same way she did with Óscar.

Verónica dropping in on Alex at her work to tell her about the tickets to Óscar’s car. OK 1) The way Alex SMILES when she sees Verónica was probably my second favourite moment of the episode. There this show goes again subverting my expectations. When I saw Verónica walking in, I thought we were in for their first disagreement because Alex would be embarrassed about having Verónica there, since she’s always been very zealous about keeping her life at the albufera and her life as Alex separate. But NOPE, not this show!

skdfhkjdhk tattoo that smile on my forehead like???? I mean I thought I had a pretty clear read on Alex’s character so far, but she’s just throwing me for a loop here, lol. I guess being in love really does that to people IDK. (Sidenote: how GORGEOUS is she??? She’s got that classically Spanish dark hair and intense dark eyes that just drive me crazy.)

The both of them just sitting around in Alex’s office doing some amateur detective work re: Óscar’s speeding tickets and the mysterious town where he seemed to be coming and going, casually being like, “I’ve never seen him do that” “Neither have I” like they’re talking about a mutual friend and not about, idk, the man they were both in love with (and who is now dead) is freaking WILD, man, but also EXACTLY what I’d been wanting to see at some point and I still can’t believe the show is giving it to me so soon. Lastly, Verónica saying, “We should go to [that town]. Together.” makes me laugh because the “together” was COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY lmao but hey, Vero, if it makes you feel good to constantly restate the fact that you and Alex are in this TOGETHER then who am I to criticize. These two, I swear.

The way Katia comes in and, instead of scrambling to find a logical explanation, Alex is just casually like, “Verónica, I’d like you to meet my best friend, Katia,” which, ngl, just raises a whole slew of questions lmao. Like, does this mean Katia already knows Alex came clean to Verónica? Or are we supposed to assume that that random introduction was all Katia needed to realize things had shifted between them? Hopefully we’ll find out later in a proper conversation. My favourite part, though, was Verónica’s “Katia, huh?”, like the last piece of the puzzle that was Alex’s lie finally clicked into place. I loved that Katia apologized for yelling at her when impersonating Alex and Verónica, in her classic Vero way, just brushed it off like it was nbd. I mean, we know how much Katia’s words affected her when she thought they came from Óscar’s wife, but now that she knows who his real wife is and that she would never actually feel that way about Verónica, it’s like the power those words had over her evaporated the same way that “Martina”’s persona did. IDK, I just loved that exchange.

LASTLY, when Alex and Verónica are at the mysterious town Óscar was going to and they find the house where he supposedly lived, and Alex says they need to call Conrado and Verónica tells her about him finding out about them and that he’s mad at her and Alex tells her he found out because she talked about it in therapy. First of all, I like how this sets up a future scene between Alex and Conrado where you KNOW he’s gonna try to slut-shame Verónica like, “I don’t know what she told you but she always does that to get people into bed with her” or something and it will backfire spectacularly on him with Alex no doubt defending her and perhaps even getting mad at him for treating Verónica like that. CANNOT WAIT. And secondly, the way Verónica LOOKS at Alex while saying “You went to therapy... to talk about how we kissed a couple of times?” I’m--

She’s just SO AMUSED bless her little heart. Again, I thought she’d get mad at Alex for divulging her intimacy like that, but I should probably know Verónica better by now. The fact that she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about what people think of her is what makes her such a compelling character.

Alex being like, “I went to therapy to talk about how I kissed my husband’s mistress, yeah”, basically like “What of it?”, and then ADMITTING SHE LIKED IT!!!!!!! What I loved, though, was the matter-of-fact way she says it. It wasn’t a grand, sweeping love declaration, nor was she expecting Verónica to reciprocate or respond to it in any way. She was just explaining why she went to therapy to talk about it. IDK I just found it so refreshing that she’s basically admitting to feeling more than friendship towards Verónica and it’s not weird or anything anymore because they’re way past that. Also, I liked getting confirmation that nothing happened beyond kissing. I strongly suspected it just from the way it was shot, but I’m glad I don’t have to wonder anymore. This also means I still have their first time having sex to look forward to. We just keep winning!!!

“Maybe you’re a lesbian.” “I hope so! At least I’d have ONE thing clear!” I’M SCREAMINGGGGGG. But also, I like how this implies that kissing Alex wasn’t something new to Verónica or something she lost any sleep over. Like she only talks about redefining oneself post-makeout in the second person, like Alex is the only one who needs to change the way she sees herself after realizing she enjoyed kissing another woman. Ever since she told “Martina” early in season 1 that she’d slept with a lot of “people,” I figured she was bisexual, so I’m taking this as confirmation just because I can.

ANYWAY, like I said, I needed to be intense about this episode. There was just SO MUCH to unpack and I don’t feel like I even put all my thoughts on here, but this is still quite enough, lol. TL;DR I was afraid the show would build on the reveals of the season 1 finale in a direction I wouldn’t like and that would ruin my enjoyment of this season (having Alex and Verónica take until at least episode 4 to become friends again and perhaps even later to start working together to solve Óscar’s murder, let alone start inching towards a romantic relationship or, worst case scenario, a time jump in which I’d miss the immediate confrontation between them and Alex trying to win Verónica back) but, instead, they gave me everything I wanted already in episode 1, including something I didn’t know I wanted, which is putting them in a place where they’re really close but still very much in the friend zone such that I didn’t miss the moment their relationship shifted into romantic territory and, best of all, I’ll still probably get to see a few moments of sexual tension (like that amazing scene with Alex being unable to sleep) until that finally happens.

UGH, THIS SHOW. Very, very few times have I been so satisfied with a single episode of television and the decisions made to resolve a cliffhanger. Usually, even when the writers give me what I want or my ship gets together, there’s still something I would have done differently or that the show missed and I didn’t get to see, but not here. I can’t think of a single thing that I would add or change because I was hoping I’d see it but it wasn’t shown. Like on the one hand, this is good because it means that I’m less stressed about the upcoming episodes and I’m content to just watch everything play out because I already got to see everything I wanted between these two in terms of a resolution to last season’s cliffhanger and there’s nothing I’m worried we won’t be shown. But, on the other hand, that just probably means it will all be downhill from here, LMAO. 

[oldphelpsinator]

January 5th, 2020

It’s official. I’m having one of those nights.

My room is messy, I’m feeling kinda wired, I haven’t eaten food or drank water in the past few hours...

I really do NOT have time for mental health flare ups/episodes. I’m just trying to get through the last stretch of my training.

I think I was managing to avoid my emotions regarding the reality of what lies ahead for me. The challenges and everything. I’m kinda worried.

I haven’t reached out for any help or assistance with my mental health for years. I know I will have to this year; especially since it’s been a year and a half since finding out I am probably on the autism spectrum.

It’s hard. I do worry about whether or not I will be able to succeed when I find a new job. My mental health issues have caused enough problems in my interpersonal life, but they have also done decent damage with my past jobs I’ve had.

I am discouraged, as well. Because even though I want to want to be seen and heard and make wonderful connections with people, I know deep down I feel stunted and immobilized. I don’t want to be hurt again in love. By myself or by others. I just want to be put into some sort of robot mode so that I can function properly and efficiently in my daily life.

Heartbreak is annoying, and painful, yes. And I know that eventually you can move on and grow and all of that jazz. And you will meet others. But I kinda don’t want to? I am pretty burned out and tired. I just want to build a good life for myself and be left alone by any potential “love interests.”

Usually, if anyone shows signs of being interested in me, I get really nervous, uncomfortable, and put off. So many things go through my head. My potential Autism, my being on the Aro/Ace spectrum, my mild social anxiety, my mental health issues, my tendencies to get really attached to close friends and form strong bonds that usually eventually end in obsession, infatuation, and disaster.

It’s a lot to unpack, and I know everyone has their own baggage. But I know my baggage. It causes problems time and time again. And I end up hurt and depressed and wanting to distance myself from people even more than I did before.

Yeah. I need therapy. And I will find a therapist this year. I just need time and maybe a little luck? I’m 26 years old. Still trying to get myself to a level of basic of adulting without having a major fuck up or shit show financially, socially, or emotionally. There’s always something going on.

Well. It’s 2020. I manifested this training school. I had wanted it for the past few years and the Universe delivered about 10 months ago. I am 2 months from graduation, and I just need to keep my shit together a little longer.

Idk. Is it really so hard to imagine that there are people out there I haven't met yet who will care, and are open-minded and kind, and will be patient with my baggage, and show me love as well as letting me do the same?

Why does this paragraph remind me of that sad song at the beginning of James & The Giant Peach??? LOL

The effects of this mental episode had me fading in and out between feelings of anguish and a state of clearheadedness. I'm kinda leveled out now, though. A bit numb.

I might eat some Frosted Flakes because I don’t feel like making a full ramen meal.

Kinda want to just go to sleep. I'll choose one.

[cookinguptales]

I could probably write a thousand posts about how terrible American cops are wrt disability, and how cops are trained to read disabled behavior as “erratic behavior” that should be addressed with lethal force.

BUT INSTEAD I’M GONNA WRITE ABOUT SIGN LANGUAGE INTERPRETERS.

I mentioned this briefly a little while ago, but I grew up in a pretty abusive household. My younger sister was a little monster, and for a long time, no one would believe me when I tried to tell them she was hurting me. Because she was younger than me. Smaller than me. Deaf. My sister, like many other members of my family, has a hearing disability. (To my knowledge, none of them choose to identify as Deaf and some specifically don’t, so I’m just gonna stick with deaf.) And growing up with a sibling who left me bloody and bruised all the time taught me something important: our society has very few resources for violent PWD.

Now, my sister probably did have a lot of anger in her because of her disability (though that part is probably her story to tell rather than mine) and she did eventually get diagnosed with some sort of mental illness. But deafness doesn’t make a person violent, and mental illness isn’t an excuse for it. Like hell, I’m disabled and mentally ill and I never hit my sister with a metal baseball bat.

What is true, though, is when you have a deaf family member who is violent, there just aren’t as many treatment resources. Therapists who can sign are few on the ground, and therapists who will cooperate with interpreters (and interpreting requests) aren’t as common as they should be. (Plus, therapy with an interpreter really is more difficult for the patient; you never really get to be alone with the doctor.) Many of the treatment centers who help families deal with “troubled children” don’t take deaf patients. Honestly, most treatment options (and believe me, my parents looked and looked and looked) just aren’t available to children with special needs. The ones that are are often too expensive for families to seriously consider.

And cops, as I later learned, don’t bring interpreters.

My sister got worse over time, you see. The baseball bat wasn’t the worst thing she did to me. And when we were young, she mostly focused on me -- but as she got older, I learned how to get out of her path of destruction and she started hurting other people. My parents started calling the police on her to deal with domestic disturbances fairly often. There was a period there where the police were coming to our house every week or two. (Generally because my sister had straight-up tried to kill one of us or something. You know, mild stuff.) It was a pretty small police department. The same damn guys came to our house every time. They knew exactly who we were and what the situation was in our house.

And they never. Brought. An interpreter.

Now here’s what you need to know about sign language interpreters. Legally speaking, they’re supposed to be supplied by the business/service, not the consumer. Often, interpreters will refuse to be hired by an individual consumer because they want to protect the standard set by the ADA that the business/service must supply the interpreter. The school provides the interpreter. The doctor provides the interpreter. The lawyer provides the interpreter. The cops provide the interpreter. Or they’re supposed to!

These cops never did. They never did much to help us, either, but I guess that’s a separate issue. (Or maybe it’s not. Maybe they didn’t want to deal with a deaf kid in the system and that’s why they never took her into custody and wouldn’t let us press charges. She got Baker Acted a few times, like when the cops had to physically restrain her, but that’s about the extent of it.) And here’s the thing. Here’s the big problem with them refusing to bring a goddamn interpreter literally ever. It meant that they ended up asking us to interpret.

Think about that for a second. These cops regularly asked the victims of violent assault (and the people who reported that violent assault) to interpret for the person who assaulted them. It wasn’t fair to us to put us in a room with someone who’d hurt us and was usually still screaming about how she still wanted to. (idk if the cops could always understand her when she talked; I could, but I mean, I grew up with her. They learned to recognize the profanity tho, lmao.) And you know what? As much as I hate her, it wasn’t fair to her, either. We could have lied. We could have framed her. We could have misrepresented her statements as a result of our own trauma. Who’s to know? We certainly weren’t impartial. It’s hard to be after someone puts their hands around your throat. And we were usually crying and stuff. The whole situation was emotionally exhausting. My sister has always been terrifying when she’s angry, and no one likes calling the cops on their own family. Like we were not good interpreters at that point. lol

Now, I’m not gonna say that my sister wouldn’t have grown up to be the violent asshole she was if she’d been able to get proper treatment as a kid. I don’t know that. It’s possible, I guess. I hear she’s doing better now, though now that we’re both adults, I try to limit our interactions. I do know that I would have been hurt a lot less often as a kid if we’d had more treatment options. I would have spent less of my life living in fear, and I’d probably have fewer symptoms of trauma now. If she couldn’t have been cured, maybe she at least could have been contained. (That sounds horrible to say, but you try living with someone trying to kill you for fifteen years. You won’t care where they go as long as it’s away from you.) And honestly, my experience with my sister speaks to a lot of problems we have with our justice system, too. Our justice system just isn’t designed to accommodate people with disabilities and special needs. Cops shoot autistic people and show up to household disputes with no goddamn interpreter. They aren’t trained and they aren’t held accountable, and that puts PWD like us in danger. I can look at this situation as someone who felt disenfranchised as a victim, but also as a person with a disability who might find myself on the other end of police disinterest one day.

Like, look. I have a physical disability and a mental illness. I hate the stereotype of the violent disabled person as much as anyone. But sometimes PWD really are violent, and for all the horror stories we have about ~scary disabled people~, we actually have very few institutional protections in place for when something like that happens. We don’t train cops or hold them to acceptable standards. We don’t have interpreters on staff or fully accessible facilities. We don’t have treatment programs for PWD that might stop the problems before they become too bad. We don’t always have ways for PWD to be heard if they’re being abused -- or if they’re worrying that they might be the abuser. And we have a lot of cultural stereotypes about disability that we need to unpack. God knows I had trouble convincing people that I had a sister who was deaf and violent, and that the two were unrelated.

I don’t talk to my sister anymore, not unless I have to. Most days I kind of try to pretend I’m an only child. I’m not sure I have a single good memory of her from our childhood. Even the peaceful moments were tense; her mood could turn on a dime and I was always scared of a potential blow up. I still kind of am. These days, I wish her all the best in her recovery -- as long as it happens far away from me. My childhood was already ruined. So was hers. I hope we move forward and increase both accessibility and specialty treatment options so other children don’t have the same fate.

[moidse]

Journal 9

im most likely gonna start therapy monday Woo!!

Okay so i have so much i need to vent

omg i miss them and love them so much i’ve never felt this towards someone.. like idk if im maturing or if i’ve just never been in love before or both but like they truly have pushed me so much to be a better person and i want to for me but a lot because i dont want to lose them.. they have been such a light and healthy influence in my life and i feel like shit because i have so much toxic energy and habits that pushed them away but at the end of the day we want different types of relationship dynamics but my heart still sings to be near theres and i dont think that will ever go away... we get along so well.. they became my best friend and that’s the T. and now i have no best friend and my old best friend.. we aren’t friends anymore so i just feel so alone.. i have such few genuine friends... i feel so awful and shitty like i didn’t know they weren’t thinking about it so black and white and were like maybe we could be just romantic and not have sex or maybe we could be friends and still have sex like omg i want that... i want to be friends and casually have sex i do not wanna stop having sex with them it was the best... but also i just honestly dont want them out of my life but i understand we are on two different paths.. they want to explore everywhere and i want to move to LA... i just really hope that when they wander to LA its at the same time I’m there because i dont want this to be over... and i am legit getting mega flashbacks of ending things with Alex and it’s a bit much tbh but i think it’s only cuz they have a lot in common and are both poly so a lot of my same insecurities have come up...

But like i do want to be a better person.. i really feel like i need to dive into this issue i have with being 2 versions of myself... its like im so afraid to be vulnerable and real to ppl ... like the T is i should be able to be the person i am with Ollie to everyone... I shouldn’t feel this anxiety introducing them to other people and I think Ollie has a point that if I am freaking out about something with them i should communicate directly to them... anything else is just wasted time and disrespecting them... i guess i just have fear like i have to filter my thoughts otherwise they will leave and its like they already left so ... thats gone... and it just sucks because i wanna be with them and omg ahh i cant imagine them in love with someone else and hearing about it omg that would crush me i cant... fuck if im single and haven’t moved on it will make me feel bad and that’s just facts.. it’s like i DONT want this to be like how me and alex split up... i want to be nice i want to be friends i do really love them and care about them and it’s honestly my problem that I ranted to my friends and made them sound bad to justify use being apart when the reality is its just me hiding from being open and honest about all of my toxic behaviors out of fear those friends will leave me and or judge me... 

I just never hold friends long. Ever. .. i feel like i push ppl away and no one really likes me... and it’s like Ollie said they wanna still be close to me and it’s like i would like that I just also know i’m going to have to unpack my jealousy issues because i know i am gonna be triggered as soon as you meet someone else and you tell me about them because i just have problems and a history of this and it’s like i always just think why aren’t we together they are better than me? ugh i wish i could just be poly and open and not jealous and be with them but at the end of the day they wanna move away soon which also hurts my heart to hear but like i dont wanna be a fucking ball and chain for them and when i said all i want is to be in LA with a big kid job and settle down with a dog they were like nooo... and its like i know thats not what they want and i feel like they tried to want what i want and i tried to want what they want and it just isn’t gonna work. 

its just so hard... like i feel like i have a tendency to talk shit about ppl that i can feel pulling away from me and rejecting me... its like i’m mean first because i can feel its not working out so im like im in charge and have control and could tell and its just not healthy and its like small minded... 

It’s like i really just need to truly accept that we can’t be together. it’s not good for us. ... it’s like if we are friends and have sex or have some sort of blending of relationship i feel like it will just make me mad and sad and frustrated... that’s literally what happened with alex... they tried to do that with me and i would get mad and lash out because i just felt hurt that they didn’t want to full on date me because that’s all i wanted and that’s what i kept thinking they also wanted but they didn’t and it’s like i assumed ollie wanted to still be with me and then they just dumped be out of the blue and they were like i didn’t say we were back together i was just being friendly and its like......... i feel like if we are friends i’m gonna be jealous and a wreck the whole time... i very much am like it’s either all or nothing...

lmao i stopped typing my thoughts cuz they texted me wanting to sext and come over and fuck me and now im trying to make it happen lol i was literally just saying i wanted to still fuck them too.. we are just too sexually compatible to stop. lol yay!! i missed my daddy <3