#idk i feel like it's weird that this never got mentioned again? am i crazy

[leahwllmsn]

16,904

leah williamson x reader

Melbourne

October, 2023

You finally tell your friends that you’ve been talking to someone you met online on a Friday night. The response you got is that they all think you're crazy, and you can’t blame them—saying that you have a tiny crush on this blonde who’s almost twice your height and likes football and country music without actually knowing if this said blonde exists is kind of crazy.

But you really do like talking to Leah and you could only hope that Leah is Leah and not some fifty-year-old man. 

“You don’t even know what she looks like,” one of your friends snorts. 

“It’s not always about the looks,” you argue.

“That’s true,” another one of your friends chimed in. “But you gotta admit, the looks matter a lot.”

You were about to correct her and say no, they do not, because yeah, sure, Leah is so freaking gorgeous based on the pictures on her profile, but what matters the most is that she’s so kind, and funny, and just overall amazing.

Instead you kept your mouth shut. A part of you don’t want to share Leah with anyone just yet. 

(And another part of you still needs the confirmation that that is actually Leah because god damn it Leah is the most beautiful woman you have ever seen and you wish that it’s really her.)

—

6 Oct, 9:02 pm

y/n: I told my friends about you. they think it’s weird that I’m starting something with you when we’ve never met  

y/n: it’s not weird, is it? 

leahw6: starting something huh? ;) 

y/n: shut up 

y/n: we met on tinder. what were you expecting to find? a math tutor? 

leahw6: ...  

leahw6: you’re really funny, love

leahw6: and no, it’s not weird 

y/n: good 

y/n: and for the record, even if they think it’s weird I couldn’t care less 

—

6 Oct, 9:25 pm

leahw6: just to be clear 

leahw6: ‘starting something’ that means you want to date me right 

y/n: how else could I mean that 

leahw6: idk maybe you were the one looking for a math tutor 

— 

London

October, 2023

“Where did you meet her again?”

“Tinder.”

“Tinder,” Lia repeats.

“Yes,” Leah nods. “When we were in Australia for the World Cup… I got bored one night and decided to go on Tinder.”

“And you found her there,” Lia muses, sipping on her cup of coffee. “Wait, so she lives in Australia?”

“Melbourne, yes.”

“And does she know you’re all the way here in London?”

Leah hesitates before answering. “No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Oh boy,” Lia gives her a sympathetic look. “Does she know who you are?”

“Me… as in Leah?” Leah gives her teammate a confused look. “Yeah?”

“You as in you’re Leah Williamson.”

“Oh,” realization sunk in Leah’s face. “Then no. I mentioned I like football and she said she hates it. So, I doubt she knows who I am.”

“Oh boy.”

“I know,” Leah drops her head on the table. “I’ll tell her soon but what if it’s a deal breaker?” 

“Which part? The part where you’re a famous footballer or you live thousands of kilometers away?”

Leah grimaces “Distance problem. She already said she hates football and wouldn’t dare step foot in a football game, but it’s fine! That’s not a problem because I can and will convince her to watch one of my games.”

Lia laughs. “Sure, buddy.”

“I really like her,” Leah continues. “She’s funny and witty and passive aggressive sometimes but it’s so endearing. She has great taste in music, great taste in movies and books, and just great taste overall—”

Leah’s words get cut off with Lia’s hand on her mouth. “You’ve known her for a few weeks and this is already how you act?” Lia chuckles, taking her hand away. “You got it bad, Williamson.”

Leah groans. “I know.”

“Just tell her now. If she likes you the same way, I have a feeling that she wouldn’t mind either.”

—

24 Oct, 4:13 pm

leahw6: can we talk ?

y/n: sounds serious 

leahw6: kind of 

y/n: are you getting tired of me already :( 

leahw6: ofc not 

y/n: oh okay :D 

leahw6: idk how to say this 

y/n: do you want me to call you? 

leahw6: oh god no 

leahw6: omg wait 

leahw6: I didn’t mean that in a bad way I swear  

leahw6: it’s just that if you call me I’ll be hearing your voice for the first time and I’ll be even more nervous  

leahw6: and I don’t think I’ll be able to put out a coherent sentence bc I’ve been imagining so much what your voice would sound like with that face and all my guesses are that you have an extremely hot voice, raspy maybe?  

leahw6: but actually no I don’t think you have a raspy voice 

leahw6: a deep one maybe and holy shit a deep voice with an australian accent? I’ll faint on the spot I’m afraid  

leahw6: no you can’t call me 

y/n: okay...? 

leahw6: I’m really sorry please ignore all that 

y/n: I won’t ignore it, it’s adorable  

leahw6: you think I’m weird don’t you 

y/n: absolutely 

leahw6: great 

y/n: it just makes me like you even more

leahw6: I live in london 

y/n: as in the one in england … ? 

leahw6: is there another london I don’t know about 

[incoming call from y/n]

leahw6: why are you calling me ?! 

leahw6: I told you I’m too nervous rn 

y/n: I don’t get it. it says that you were 2km away? 

leahw6: yeah… I was on vacation… kind of...

y/n: kind of?

y/n: so you don’t actually live here? 

leahw6: y/n if I was only 2 km away from you I would make up excuses just so I can see you everyday 

y/n: how many km is it instead 

leahw6: between us?

leahw6: google says it’s 16,904 km

y/n: ??! holy shit 

leahw6: I know 

leahw6: look, I get it if you want to stop this. not everyone is cut out for long distance

y/n: we’re like

y/n: on opposite sides of the world

leahw6: I know

y/n: do you want to stop this? 

leahw6: I don’t 

y/n: then we won’t 

leahw6: are you sure 

y/n: let me call you 

leahw6: NO 

y/n: leah

leahw6: give me a day to prepare 

y/n: you’re so dumb

y/n: but fine 

y/n: do I at least get a facetime

leahw6: FACETIME? 

leahw6: no. you get a phone call. voice only

y/n: r u catfishing 

y/n: I knew it you’re too beautiful to be real 

leahw6: ha ha 

y/n: call me tomorrow okay lee? 

leahw6: okay

leahw6: and y/n

leahw6:  thank you

y/n: what for

leahw6: for giving us a chance

y/n: leah I’d be stupid not to 

—

Melbourne

November, 2023

You're in the middle of a meeting with boring, old men in suits when your phone rings—very loudly at that. You curse yourself for forgetting to put your phone on silent, quickly pressing the red circle on the screen, but not before smiling at the caller ID.

When the meeting finishes an hour later, you immediately pick up your phone and dial Leah’s number.

“Hey you.” 

You smile at the voice on the other end. “Sorry I couldn’t pick up. I was in a meeting.”

“Oh sorry, bad timing. Thought you were finished for the day”

“Bad timing indeed,” you chuckle. “It rang really loudly.”

“Y/n,” you could hear Leah’s soft giggles. “The silent feature exists for a reason.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” you take a seat in your office chair and sigh contently. “I’m glad it rang though.”

“How so?” 

“I saw your name and my mood instantly picked up.”

Leah snorts. “You’re such a sweet talker, mate.” 

You throw her head back in laughter. “But it’s true!”

Leah doesn’t say anything after that, all you could hear is the sound of chatter and honking of cars. “Where are you?”

“I just had breakfast, I’m walking to the… office.”

“You called me when you were having breakfast? Am I that much more interesting than whoever you were with?” you ask, your tone teasing.

“Of course you are,” is Leah’s reply and you could feel your stomach flipping upside down.

“Now who’s the sweet talker?”

“Still you.”

“Says the person who couldn’t stop telling me I’m pretty when we facetimed for the first time.”

Leah laughs and you really, really love the sound. “But you are pretty.”

“But I don’t think I need to hear it every five minutes.”

“Just accept the compliments, love.”

“Okay,” you relent, a grin spreading across your face. “Who did you have breakfast with?”

“Just my team– colleagues. My colleagues, Beth, Viv and Lia.”

You go silent for a few seconds, the last name ringing a bell in your head. “Lia as in your ex?”

“The one and only.”

“Oh.”

Leah must’ve sensed the jealousy in your voice (but honestly, you aren't jealous, you’re really not), because the next thing you know Leah is laughing and telling you that it didn’t work out between her and Lia because they were better off as friends.

“You see her everyday though,” you say, your voice less confident than before.

“And what about it?”

“You don’t see me everyday,” you pout, staring at a polaroid picture of Leah smiling at the camera that is stuck to the wall of your cubicle. Leah sent you a handwritten letter along with that picture a few days ago. Your roommate was the one who received it and it went something like this:

“Oh my god, there’s no way this is your Leah.”

“What?” 

“This! Is this really her?” 

“Is that Lee’s mail for me? Did you open it?!” 

“I got curious!” 

“Give me that!” 

“You never mentioned that she looks like this!” 

“I just haven’t shown you what she looks like ‘cause everyone kept on teasing me!” 

“Because she could be a fake for all we know! But holy shit, she’s soo stunning. Does she have a twin sister?”

“No.”

“A twin brother?” 

“No.” 

“Can I have her instead then?” 

“What the—no?!” 

“Fine, be stingy like that.” 

“...I’m really fine with us like this.”

You blink away images of your roommate in your head and focus your attention back to Leah’s voice. “What did you say?”

“I said I’m okay with not being able to see you everyday,” Leah repeats. “Talking to you over the phone is enough.”

You smile. “It’s enough for me too. It’d be great to have you next to me but this is good too.”

People would think otherwise but for you, having Leah a phone call away really is enough; you'd take hearing Leah's laughter through the phone than not hearing it at all.

—

10 Nov, 1:11 pm

y/n: I got a dog

leahw6: ???!! 

leahw6: Y/N CALL ME OMG 

leahw6: I WANT TO SEE 

y/n: you’re more excited to see him than me :// 

leahw6: YES 

y/n: excuse me 

leahw6: WHAT’S HIS NAME 

y/n: robert 

leahw6: ROBERT? 

y/n: yes, robert 

leahw6: he's now my favourite

leahw6: SEND PICS

y/n: :/ 

y/n:

leahw6: you know you're my favourite too  

y/n: :D 

leahw6: but I think I like robert more than you OMG HE'S ADORABLE!!!!

y/n: bye 

—

London

December, 2023

leahw6:  want to hear a funny story

y/n:  what is it

leahw6:  a guy tried to hit on me tonight

y/n:  excuse me???

[incoming call from y/n] 

“That’s not funny,” is the first thing Leah hears once she accepts the call.

“Hello to you too,” Leah stifles a laugh. You sound tense and Leah can just picture the frown on your face.

“Leah.”

“Yes, babe?” Leah learnt that the quickest way to melt away your anger is to use pet names and so for any argument (even if Leah is in the wrong), Leah would always win.

This time it doesn’t seem to work. “How is that funny again?” 

“Darling, I’m just teasing you.”

“Did a guy really hit on you?”

“Yes,” Leah answers honestly. “He bought me a drink.”

“I see.”

Leah doesn’t like how dejected you sound. So she presses the button for facetime and the first thing she sees when you accept is her girlfriend pouting at the screen.

“What are you doing?” Leah giggles.

“Is all of this funny to you?” you pout even more, your phone screen illuminating your face in the dark room.

“Did I wake you up?” Leah asks instead. She knows you like to sleep in on weekends.

“Yes, but that’s fine. You know I want to talk to you any chance I get,” you answer, shifting so that you’re now lying on your side.

“You’re the best,” Leah says as she climbs in bed, tucking herself under the covers.

“Obviously,” you scoff. “Unlike that stupid guy who doesn’t know you’re off-limits.”

Leah grins at the annoyed look you’re giving her. “Baby?”

“Hm?”

“It’s so cute when you’re jealous.”

You roll your eyes. “Of course I’m jealous. He gets to be within your presence while I’m stuck here, freaking sixteen thousand kilometres away from you. It’s unfair.”

Leah sends her a soft smile. “But you’re the one I’m talking to every day, so who’s the real winner here?” The frown is still present on your face and Leah wants nothing more than to kiss it away—so that’s what she did.

“Leah, what the hell are you doing?”

“Kissing you,” Leah answers simply, kissing her screen again.

And when Leah hears laughter from the other end, her heart feels much lighter.

“Lee, have you cleaned your phone? That’s gross.”

“Shut up. I’m trying to be romantic.”

“Cute, but maybe clean your phone first.”

Leah rolls her eyes at you, her smile never leaving her face. “At least I made you laugh.”

“You always make me laugh,” you say, your face so close to her camera that the entirety of Leah’s screen is just a close up of your face. Leah’s heart swells in adoration at the sight.

“Did you have a good night's sleep?” Leah asks.

You hum in answer. “Now it’s your turn to get a good night’s sleep.”

You could see how hard Leah is trying to keep her eyes open.

“This sucks, time difference sucks” Leah pouts. “I just want to talk to you.”

“Baby,” you give her a sad smile. “It is how it is. We’ll talk more when you wake up.”

“Yes, captain,” Leah gives you grin, her eyes fully closed.

“Good night, Leah. Sweet dreams.”

You watch Leah go to sleep for a few minutes, the sound of her soft snores making it seem like she’s right next to you. 

That night Leah dreams that you're right next to her, holding her close and keeping her warm on the cold winter night.

[sturnsvlg]

ALL MINE - M.S

-

WARNING⚠️

Mention of virginity loss, profanity, and smut.

No use of y/n cause it looks weird idk.. also this is my first time writing a story I didn’t really proof read but I think it’s good.

Listen to the song!!

I just woke up checking my phone to see the time it was around 5:00am

I’m not sure what woke me up I just stood from my bed knowing I wasn’t going to be able to fall back asleep, I opened my door quietly but quickly trying to get down the stairs before just grabbing a water from the fridge and walking back up the stairs the same way I went down quietly but quickly.

I sat in my bed getting on my phone just scrolling through TikTok, time had passed and I got a text from Matt

hey press are you up?

yeah I just randomly woke up😭

oh okay sorry if I’m bothering you

no your not what’s up?

wanna chill in my room? I can’t sleep

bet I’m coming

read at 5:43 am

____________________________________________

Listen, Matt is just my friend nothing more I knowwww what your thinking and it’s not that. not “FWB” (friends with benefits) I’m still a virgin so.. do what you will with that information, I’m just staying here for the time being.

—

I sat up slipping my curly hair into my pink silk scrunchie before walking to my bathroom to quickly brush my teeth.

I grabbed my charger and walked to Matt’s door and knocked “Matt” I whisper shouted “sorry” he said opening the door I just nodded before sitting at the end of his bed “sooo what do you wanna do” he asked standing infront of me “uh we can- uh watch a movie or something? or do you want to do something else?” I suggest “we can watch a movie” he starts “that’s cool” he adds sitting on his bed but at the top.

Time passed.

We’re watching “a teacher” some show about a student and a teacher fucking, it’s pretty crazy honestly. I looked over at Matt at this point we were both laying next to eachother “take your underwear off” the tv said causing me to look away from Matt immediately “WOAH” I choked “what the fuck this show is crazy” he giggled causing me to do the same.

“take your underwear off” Matt looked at me I laughed slapping his chest he smiled quickly but then sat up looking me dead in my eyes, I couldn’t look away it’s like I was frozen

“take. your underwear. off” Matt said I sat up as well locking eyes with him “are you kidding?” I awkwardly laugh “no” he blandly said causing me to stop laughing “oh” I stood up and walked around to where Matt was straddling his lap

“kiss me” I insisted.

And so he did

“fuck” he said separating and moving down to my neck “mm” our lips connected again this time his guided my lips before entering my mouth this went on until i looked down “Matt are you-“ “yeah” he nodded “can i take this off” he referred to my top “yes”

And so he did.

“I’ve wanted this for so long” he sighed before pushing his head against my chest.

did he really or was he just saying that?

he placed kisses on my breasts before licking one “I need you press so fucking bad” he sighed “then have me” I kissed him one last time before he layed me down on my back “you look good like that” Matt said rubbing my practically bare body “are you wet for me? hm?” he said getting in his knees.

This is all going so fast I’ve never done any of this before, “can I take these off?” Matt asked “please, if you don’t I will” I know I sounded needy but I’m 19 and never felt this. I needed it.

He pulled my panties off looking down at the dripping he had caused “you are wet for me” he ran circular motions over my clit “you like that” Matt asked “yes Matt” I groaned to his touch before I could say something else I felt two fingers go inside of me slowly, painfully slowly “you feel so good” he took his fingers out looking at me “what did I do something” i sat up worried “no I just cant wait any longer” Matt said licking his fingers.

Holy shit. This is really happening he took his pants and boxers off leaving him naked also “oh my” I sat up “are you sure you want this? I mean you know things will change between us press” he said with his dick literally in his hand, I cannot take him serious “I mean you already fingered me? just fuck me already” I rolled my eyes “right” he nodded “WAIT” I whisper shouted “I need to tell you something first” he backed away looking dead in my soul “I’m a virgin” I whispered “what? Why are you whispering I can’t hear you” “I’m a virgin Matt” my head was down I’m so embarrassed right now. He started pulling his shorts back up “you don’t have to do that Matt?” “Are you sure? Just tell me if you want me to stop okay?” He said causing me to just nod.

He dropped his shorts back down grabbing one of my hands and used his other to hold his dick he glazed my clit gently with his hard tip “are you ready” he asked “yes Matt go sl- OH MY GOD” I moaned as he stuck it in “sorry” he looked at me worried “it’s okay just keep going” I groaned “yes” oh my god it felt like I could feel him in my chest, he was being gental. A little to gental “Faster” I clawed at him as he hovered over me, and so he went faster moans and groans leaving both of our mouths “fuck press” his motions getting harder “say my name Matty” each word I spoke came out so vulnerable “P- Presley” Matt leaned down to kiss me “Matt say it again” my hand gripping his hand tighter my other sliding to feel his stomach.

“Nghhh Presley FUCK P-Presley” he could barley get his words out, I caused that “fuck Matt HARDER” I was basically shouting I didn’t care for the other people in the house to hear me or not. “Open your mouth” and so I did he spit in my mouth I felt so weak and that only made me weaker “mm you know this is mine now? all mine.” his hand pushing my stomach to feel himself his paste began slowing down “I’m gonna cum” Matt’s groans getting louder “want me to pull out? don’t forget I’m not wearing a condom” This made me think did I want to risk it? I bit my lip before just saying whatever “don’t pull out I wanna feel you” he looked at me unsure his paste slowing even more “please Matt” he nodded kissing my lips then quickly speeding up his paste.

“Fuck fuck fuck” I moaned feeling myself release all over him, him doing the same shortly after me “ah cream team I see” he laughed “shut up Matt” I wiped the tears out of my eyes after rolling them.

“Let’s get you cleaned up Presley, you wanna stay in here with me for a little bit” “yes” “so are we still gonna be friends or are things between us just like weird now” I seemed like I was playing but I was genuinely scared to ruin what we have, scratch that HAD. “Of course we’re still friends we will just be friends that have had sex with eachother” he shrugged “okay I guess” I shook my head.

—

We were laying down now at this point it had hit almost 7:00am Matt had fallen asleep holding me but I just couldn’t stop thinking about what things would be like between us now.

____________________________________________

BYE this is my first time writing a story🌚. I think imma do a pt2 tho

[icedmetaltea]

Had doctor appointment today (just journal stuff below)

Damn the drive there I was hyperventilating like crazy and it was literally only a 15 min drive... I think I have some ptsd to work on, literally have to re-condition myself to not freak the fuck out in cars bc right now a drive on a flat surface feels like a roller coaster and like the walls are closing in as soon as it starts moving

On the bright side of things the appointment seemed to go well, idk if it was bc it's my first time with the new doc but this time I wasn't in and out in 5 mins like with my old one. He prescribed a benzo to try for the first time, then gonna try making the propranolol an every day at set time thing instead of as needed.

Apparently my blood pressure was high but not a dangerous amount so that's good I suppose... next time might do an asthma test just to make 100% sure I don't have it cause I never have before. My temp was also 99?? Idk if that's bad or not, I'm not sick so??? Maybe anxiety can do that too who knows, it does everything else

Mentioned getting on disability, he said I'm eligible since I seem to be treatment resistant and we'll talk about it more on my appointment in like 6 weeks.

Had the supervising doctor dude come and gimme like a 10 min talk on anxiety and it was rlly weird, he kept likening me to a pioneer wife and said if I was one I'd be able to watch for "Indians" due to my heightened senses or some shit, very strange but oh well he was old (good to know I have all the qualities of a house wife, feels amazing /s)

But yea feels good to have that behind me, my sister and I visited a bit when we got back and I've chilled out some... am gonna rewatch Venom 2 bc I watched the first one again last night and it's one of my guilty pleasure franchises okkkk, name a better romcom slapstick bullshit set of movies I dare you

[singwhenyoucantspeak]

Twenty questions for fic writers

thanks for the tag @blackdalek! I feel like i maybe have not written enough for these answers to be that interesting but i'm going to do it anyway because fun!

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

Three. Although there are two other fics on fanfic.net that I never moved over to AO3. Full disclosure, I don't go by this url on AO3 or ffn because when I started writing fic i was still closeted even to this tumblr blog, which seems insane in retrospect LOL (also I have a lot of IRL friends on this blog now who don't need to go reading my fanfic. I guess that is where i draw the line XD so if u are an IRL maybe ignore the rest of this post. or don't - read on at your own risk lmao)

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

47,860 words

3. What fandoms do you write for?

OUAT - Swan Queen (although I have not written for them in about 9 years soooo. I should really fix that. but let's be real, I do not write very often in general)

Supergirl - General Danvers

Grey's Anatomy - Meddison

there are other fandoms that I definitely started writing things for and then abandoned before I even posted anything. Oh I did write Rizzoli & Isles fic a lot like 10 years ago but never posted any of it except for a crossover fic that still lives (and will die) on ffn. In retrospect that fic was v problematic due to copganda.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

lol I only have 3 fics on AO3 so guess they are my top 3.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to! Although I have not been lately because lately they're all like "I love this fic hope you come back to it" and um I can't really say if I will come back to it or not! I would like to, buuuut it's far more likely that when I start writing again it'll be something new. Who knows though! I am definitely at a better position in life to start writing again now than I have been for the last 2 years.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

well... I think i've only completed two fics ever LOL the first was a pretty fluffy one shot (i think... idk it was ffn era so who remembers). Rooftop Negotiations is pretty angsty in general but it does have a hopeful ending (and I prevented Astra from dying so how angsty could that really be XD)

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I think all of my fics are intended to have happy endings, but they're for the most part unfinished so I couldn't say which would be the happiest ending.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Hmmmm I cannot remember if I ever have. It depends what you consider hate. I did get a very weird comment on one of my fics by someone who was really aggressively angry that I had abandoned it. So that was weird. I also got some criticism on that crossover fic I previously mentioned and yeah in retrospect that criticism was well founded.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

heh heh not usually but I can think of one scene that I wrote. If I ever continue my multichapter meddison fic I will have to decide if I want to write smut or not. I did rate it M so...

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Oh the crossover. Look, when I first started writing fic it was just me and my tumblr friend emailing a google doc back and forth, alternating each chapter, writing only for ourselves with no direction planned and no intention of posting it anywhere. And yes, we loved a crossover. Mostly it was Rizzoli & Isles and OUAT crossovers but my co-writer loved to introduce new crossovers without warning so those fics got out of control very quickly. But the first fic I ever posted was a crossover (again Rizzoli & Isles and OUAT). Can anything really be considered a crazy crossover though when OUAT is involved? the show itself is a crazy crossover.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not as far as i know!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that i know of (although I did start writing a fic in another language once. I never posted it though)

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

uh the unofficial never posted fics mentioned above LOL

14. What's your all-time favorite ship?

probably still Swan Queen tbh. I will never be over them. I feel like I have devoted my whole adult life to them.

15. What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Can I go where you go?

I sooo want to finish it. Writing that fic was the most disciplined I have ever been with fic writing and the only reason I stopped was because I moved across the country, started a new job, and got into a new relationship all at the same time and life was chaos for 2 years.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I *think* I am good at dialogue. I can usually hear a conversation between characters in my head and when I write dialogue I'm really just like transcribing what they're saying.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

description kills me. I cannot keep track of character's movements through space, I generally don't care about what their surroundings look like so I forget that the audience might want to know. My ideal fic would just be written like a play where I only have to provide the spoken lines and no other information or direction.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I don't think I've tried other than the time that I tried writing the entire fanfic in another language. I have read many a SQ fic that sprinkles Spanish dialogue in for Regina and tbh it is so hit or miss as to how well it works that I dunno if I ever would try it.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

OUAT/Rizzoli & Isles (was a crossover lmao)

20. Favorite fic you've written?

at this point, Rooftop Negotiations because i actually finished it and succeeded at staying within the scope of what I set out to achieve. and for what that was, I think I implemented it all quite well.

[frozencheese]

It took me 7 years to find out why am I drawn towards melancholy!

Yes I got a hint around mid 2016 that i kinda like grief. I eventually forgot about it but around 2018 it was hence proved.

I thought maybe something is wrong with me. Like why would I like mourning or you know sadness? But i did like tho.

That's why I never searched about it, thinking I wouldn't get any answers or if I ask people will call me stupid!

During the lockdown, hearing all the news got me scared but it was kinda like peaceful? Idk tbh. But it was damn dangerous. I was scared of myself, my thoughts but I loved them at the same time?

I took a test, a yr ago or so, what you are made up of or smth like that, my results was- Melancholy! I found the explanation relatable & tbh i was happy that that thing, that word came for the result?! I took the screenshot of it.

Last month while going through my gallery, i found that ss and read it, again finding some kind of relief like yeah that's me! But then i tried stopping my thoughts, like no I don't wanna go back in that phase again! BUT I WANT TO! WHY? i was so confused ・⁠～⁠・

Recently I finally found the courage and wrote down all my feeling & thoughts & weird strange words which i feel like are mine! Or like I'm those! Like that's so me!

The words are : Melancholy, grief, death, gloomy, dark, heavy rain, thunder, black clouds, sadness, cry, pain, mourning, dense forest, white lotus.

There were many art forms which captured me as a whole but they were not bright or happy ones- i kinda find those boring no offense, I liked Vincent Van Gogh's work but after finding out the state he was in while he created those masterpieces, I loved them! Related to it like never before! No, I'm not crazy. Sorry not sorry but even i don't know why I'm like this cue the given screenshots!

And it's not like I'm all those words, no I'm much more than that and I love seeing people happy and think good for them too! This is just a part of me, my personality, which i hv never talked about before to anyone, as maybe i myself was ashamed of myself but ig it comes with being a highly sensitive emphatic introverted person:)

I don't remember what my personality type is but these above ss are of INFP & INFJ personality. But they have also mentioned that not all FP's & FJ's experience this, and many others do who are not FP's & FJ's.

P.s. I came to know a word like melancholy even exists in 2017 doing Merchent of Venice. So, thanks Shakespeare;)

[roobylavender]

ive been scouring through your old specifically batman related posts and you mentioned how you were reading batgirl 2000 but havent finished it and i would genuinely love to know your thoughts because personally i feel like it genuinely establishes cass as such an interesting character and i think you would find her fascinating . however i find myself disliking bruce more often than not like i feel like nearly everything he teaches her is unhealthy lol like yes cass you should throw your life away for others and dedicate yourself solely to the mission. he definitely has a fondness for her but i dont know. and i feel like that one issue, #50 or around that, i just dont know how to feel with bruce wanting to physically fight her and i feel crazy for taking a bit of an issue with that considering everyone glosses over it? like yes the end of that is about has cass accepting his love which is nice and him giving it to her in a way she understands but i think some things he does are a bit. idk idk

[in tears] i think it was more than a year ago i picked up the preliminary dc issues part of no man's land to start reading about her and then for some reason i never continued like i think i got busy.. i really need to like sit down properly sometime this summer if i can and start from knightfall and proceed onward so i can get in the right headspace for re-evaluating bruce's progression again. bc i am definitely interested in what i have heard of bruce's more unorthodox parenting methods in batgirl and much as i am loath to portrayals of bruce as an outright hostile parent i am not entirely opposed to him embodying a parenting style that is simply.. very weird and maybe questionable as an extension of how crazy the phenomena of the robins and batgirls is in the first place. like yes it's a reflection of his deep empathy and compassion that he adopts dick and jason and then allows them to use robin as a conduit through which to channel their angers and fears so they don't turn out as emotionally isolated or obsessive as he thinks he did but it's also obv not really a normal thing to do! and you could def argue it's something that sets bruce's relationships with his sidekicks apart from that of his peers and their sidekicks (although i suppose some people might want to compare with arthur/garth or ollie/roy, but my answer to that would be that at least from what little of aquaman canon i have read i don't think arthur had any particular motive in taking on garth as a sidekick beyond it simply being convenient after the adoption; and with ollie i think that's even more true bc it's the lack of motive that leads to his temporary rift with roy bc ollie hasn't put quite enough thought into what he wants roy to be and that is something that hurts roy in turn). no normal parent is going to tell their kid to fight them in order to ascertain if they're truly committed to the cause. but a bruce who has by now had experiences with a handful of children whom he believes he imposed a duty onto rather than allowing them to come to the conclusion of wanting to uphold that duty themselves, may very well think asking his adopted daughter to fight him to prove her intent is logical and a means of ensuring he is not making the same mistakes all over again. doesn't make it any less crazy a thing to do! but it's certainly bruce to the core. interestingly i am curious if that is something barbara calls him out on bc if anyone were to do it i feel like she would. i like that she's the person who gets to poke at him for being a bit of a paranoid weirdo

[localplaguenurse]

Hello it's me again here to yell at you some more about gold as ginkgo because WHAT IS YOUR WRITING???? OMG I'm at ch23 already and so much has happened fcvhbjknklml amazing storytelling!!

Now this is gonna get a biiiit personal mayhaps sorry if that makes you uncomfy maybe?? But I just want to express how much I *adore* the way you portray the protag's anxiety and particularly the internal conflict of coming out of a toxic relationship.

this paragraph, this one in particular got me literally crying. I kid you not I started weeping and then went to talk to my besties because it's so real it hit me so hard. I'm sorry many people can relate of course but I in particular I'm just coming out (~5 months or so) of a 12+ year old toxic relationship and I've been struggling SO HARD, really so hard. And that made me feel validated, that made me feel like yes it's a thing it's normal. (I too had straight up panic attacks that left me with hands shaking and crying)

It looks eerily a lot like something I'd told my best friend weeks ago

anyway idk I just want to say your writing is amazing, the pacing, the characterization. I love that wifey doesn't just "get over" things or "get better" int he way it's usually portrayed, it's organic and slow and she falls back into negative thoughts and stutters and gets anxious but they ARE getting better in the little things, in the confidence, in the healing, in the feeling comfortable.

And it's not just that, the social anxiety, the nonbinary struggle, the feel that you're annoying others and have to be hyper independent never asking for help. I may not fully relate to all of them but you do make them important on the story and I feel like you portray them all so well.

And Gods, Morax/Zhongli is so nice lmao <3 need me a partner like that //hit that is SUPER self-indulgent love it. He's all kind and patient and loving and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ;w; I love him your honor <3<3<3

Aaaaanyway loved their outing to the city, love Li Lei's character, loved wifey slowly growing out of their shell, love Morax fucking crashing injured in the middle of the night during a storm and Xiao and the panic and everything, the whole dealing with the Abbes CHILL MAN LITERALL CHILLS OMG. Love the golden smoke yes it is your signature ehe <3

(as a side note, I remember a lot of chapters ago this scene with Morax commenting about a storm incoming and then dissapearing and I was like.... is this some weird ass mandela effect or am I crazy bc I specifically remember this lore of dragons getting horny during the rain but NAAAHHH NO WAY the fic isn't going on that direction Crys pls chill your horny brain BUT THEN HAHAHAHA GUESS WHO WAS LOWKEY RIGHT??? I DID READ EYE OF THE STORM TOO TO BE FAIR. Also on the same line of my horny brain so sorry for this but wigey being so asdfcvhbnjmk about praise and compliment has me going PRAISE KINK PRAISE KINK MORAX PLS!!!!//HIT)

ok that's enough this got way too long I apologize I got emotional n cried again I LOVE YOUR FIC!!!!!

I am going to get emotional, I'm getting the like heavy feeling in my eyes of "oh tears! may be soon!"

I'm also gonna get a little personal because it also ties in with the fic and just, y'know, if we're sharing then I'm gonna share too.

I've said numerous times that wifey's experiences with anxiety stem from my own. I was also writing this fic during a few very difficult parts of my life so I really leaned HARD into those aspects of their character. Something I also mentioned a few times is that I used to write stuff on wattpad, I got burnt out, and then I didn't post fic for five years (which now that I think of it, technically not true because I did post some things on amino back in high school, but y'know). I never really stopped writing, though. Gave me room to experiment and because I'm A) a lifelong fan of the dark and macabre (even though I'm actually a bit of a chicken baby), and B) very depressed/anxious, naturally I leaned more into darker writing. I liked to make it a point of writing happy endings but I would put my charcters through the fucking wringer.

I was also a huge people pleaser in high school that didn't know how to make friends aside from the ones I already had. You can imagine how fucking devastated I was when one day, fuckin completely out of the blue, I was booted from my friend group. I only had like five friends and I kept two of them after that shit. One of those friends was a girl I had known since first grade. For the next two years right up until covid hit I was like "well fuck, Charlotte, guess you've only got two friends now. It's only a matter of time before they get sick of you too." It took me maybe a year for me to realize it wasn't my fault that the people I trusted turned out to be shitty, and it wasn't until like a year or two ago that I was able to actually open up and talk about that shit because I've been terrified to actually be vulnerable with people since then.

That's only like some of my damage, I've also got the eldest daughter and "ah fuck I think I'm undiagnosed neurodivergent" trauma. Two for one combo! Love it here!

So, yeah, I got pretty good at writing and specifically writing about people dealing with toxic relationships. Part of it is venting, part of it is wanting to raise awareness for these things, and part of it is just, idk, I like writing this stuff. I'll write whatever if it's interesting enough.

Anyways, thank you so much!!! There's more I could go on about but that's spoilers, so I just wanna say I'm really really happy you like what I've done! Put my heart and soul into this baby. Also yes this is horrifically self indulgent lmao, this fic was like entirely catered to me and my beta reader and apparently everyone else is into it.

I hope your day or night is well, whatever time it is where you are!

[yuukei-yikes]

This might be a little weird, but in the light novels (i think it was the 8th or 7th) where takane becomes ene and leaves hibiya, ene tells hibiya that he reminds her of "him way back when" and then hibiya thinks she just compared him to shintaro but he doesnt think it makes sense. When i read that i always thought it was haruka especially because ene says something like "youre just smart enough to keep hanging around but youre always worrying about the future" part. Like shintaro (as far as im concerned) never really cared about the future, and i think that haruka cared about the future tbh. Any way everyone says that ene was ACTUALLY comparing hibiya to shintaro and no one made the connection that I made. Please dont tell me i am the only one in this fandom who thought that ene was comparing hibiya to haruka!!

(Also sorry if this makes 0 grammatical sense i just need your oppinion on this)

THE FONT AGAIN!!!

also damn that's actually really interesting!!!! hmm i don't think i agree but i really read this and i was like damn this is a good one like this is a good idea and interpretation...

personally, i do think she means shintaro. i do think shintaro worries abt the future! i can think of the moment where he thinks of his dad and wonders how must he feel abt him if he made it out of the daze and sees his son as this deadbeat shut in. i know that's not super specific on the future, but it's like... shintaro's whole "18, virgin, unemployed" thing to me is him worrying abt the future in a way.

even if in the novels sometimes it writes out like he considers these things indispensable parts of his character (in my reread i was so annoyed in his povs i was like god. shintaro we KNOW youre a virgin STOP MENTIONING IT), i think they're there to point out how he's so stuck in the past he cannot move forward and in a way THAT IS worrying abt the future!! he's... alive. and his life isnt going anywhere, he isnt going anywhere. he IS suicidal but by the time ene gets to him shintaro is more or less more easy going if that makes sense?? thats why im so crazy abt shintaro and ene lol like he really went out on august 15 and tells ene, yeah we can go to the amusement park. its not like im ever going out again anyway. and it's like... by this point he isnt even gonna kill himself. he fully intended to live inside his room with ene forever. idk. shintaro stressing over how much of a loser he is and how he's not doing anything with his life is him worrying over the future kind of. or rather the passage of time.

it's kind of like he sees the ridiculousness of his situation. to me, shintaro's insistence on mentioning he is 18 and unemployed is him frustrated with himself and his stagnancy. like... god. next its 19 virgin and unemployed. then its 20 virgin and unemployed. and so on. to me shintaro does worry abt the future in the way the years go by and he's desperately trying to lock himself away from it?? idk.

while haruka had NO future to look forward to. haruka's problem isnt that he was worried of the future, he was depressed he didn't have one. he desperately wanted a future, he didnt worry abt what he was gonna do with it like shintaro and hibiya in this case. idk. that's my interpretation anyway and even if it's different from yours i LOVE yours, its definitely super interesting and i definitely love asks like these!!! like u rly got me thinking!!

[verawhisk]

my dear friend. i am so mentally exhausted and have shed literal tears tonight. i am so happy. i will catch up on everything you’ve posted for tonight in the morning, but what were ur thotz abt tonight <3

omg hi you dont have to do that! you’re too nice to me rosey. besides i turned into a little autistic creature last night lolol, sorry y’all had to witness that. but im so glad you saw that card! it was INSANE!! i was so prepared for it to be not that great because 2022 has kinda sucked in terms of fights yknow? just lots of dubious, weird moments with injuries and strange decisions within the organization and ofc its not the fighters’ faults but still i was so ready for this to be bad

luckily it was actually amazing all the way from the start of prelims to the end of the main event!! it was incredible!! they said it broke the record for first round finishes! i just cant believe the show they all put on… they have so much heart and courage, every single one of them

i was actually considering not buying the ppv this time because 280 was so bad LOL could you imagine if i didnt buy it? i would have missed possibly the best card this entire year

first of all i was so overcome with joy when dan got the win over puelles, i was damn near crying hahah. i mean a win over costco ryan hall is not SUPER impressive but who cares?? THAT’S MY BOY!! HE’S SO CUTE!! and i want him in perth dammit. give him his flowers dana. (fun fact: i started watching mma mainly because i watched the conor vs. urijah season of tuf and i thought ryan hall was so cool LMAO)

(this crusty ahh drawing from 2021…. yup i thought he was super cool and im kinda sad that he’s less active than other fighters but if i were offered a fight with ryan hall i’d probably turn it down too)

as for frankie vs. gutierrez my stomach dropped when he landed that knee bruh. what the hell was that? bro HAD to know that was frankie’s last fight and to do that to him in front of his family is just sick… i mean good on him for not sandbagging just for someone else’s career to go out on a nice note but did you have to finish him that brutally?? idk man maybe im just a casual but he deserves more than that

poirier vs. chandler… im not even exaggerating when i say that fight made me nearly puke and pass out bro. i got fucked up sweat glands so your girl can’t sweat but if she could she woulda been DRIPPING from head to toe last night LOL. guys i think the reason i went so crazy was because i actually mentally prepared myself for the fight to be bad, for real. that’s genuinely what i did. i went into the fight telling myself that there was a well and good possibility that michael might actually just wrassle him into a decision and i was all good with it because i was still gonna like them no matter what. but HOLY CRAP i need to remind myself to never doubt them ever again because that was AMAZING!!!! start to finish was just an absolute dog fight. they looked so exhausted and broken and blood was pouring everywhere and michael was tossing dustin like a bag of flour only for said bag of flour to start raining punches on him (a la justin gaethje lol) and it was fucking incredible and i cant believe it really happened. not to mention the alvarez-chandler-gaethje-poirier circle of violence is finally complete hahah omg it feels unreal. and i can't believe dustin finished ALL of them.. he's so classy and talented and handsome lul he's really the perfect fighter

but hol on i wanna mention michael cheating because i’m not gonna lie that really made me question him?? not that iron michael chandler cares about what some delusional mma fan in canada thinks about him LMAO but still he always carries himself like a professional athlete everywhere he goes and he seems to pride himself on his ability to stand out among the fighters who don’t have the speaking style or the business etiquette that he does, so when he went into the fight and started pounding on the back of his head and actually HOOKING HIS FINGERS on the inside of dustin’s mouth trying to make him show his neck, it made me scratch my head because why are you behaving like an olympic athlete in front of the press only to go in the cage and treat your opponent like an abused farm animal lmao?

though im ngl… the idea of this polite, charismatic, american psycho type dude entering the cage and turning on mean ape mode is actually fucking hilarious? and he’s kind of more interesting to me now?? so i guess it doesn’t really matter that my opinion of him went down a little hahah silly observation but there’s my two cents. i’m still super impressed by both of them and they both have my heart at the end of the day

during weili vs carla i was playing runescape. i’m so sorry. i was just tryna level up my fishing i really have no clue what happened other than that weili finished carla because she’s really awesome and she kicks ass and i feel really bad that i wasn't paying attention IM SORRY LMAO!! my social credit score is in massive danger rn

izzy vs pereira had me biting my nails into little shreds because i could feel exactly what they were feeling. alex is just one of those “one clean hit and you’re out” fighters but izzy is obviously still a master of striking so watching those exchanges was like watching two people balancing on a plank over shark-infested waters lolol it was crazy nerve wracking. however y’all know that i was rooting for alex so i am super duper happy and i can’t wait to see who challenges him next!! tbh i’d prefer anybody but khamzat because if he really does move up to middleweight and becomes alex’s first challenger he’s fucked lmao cries… please start training in dagestan alex thank u <3

thanks for asking me ahh it really means a lot to me that you actually care about what i think. :D let me know what you thought about it too!!

[leonaluv]

okie cause I trust ur responses as they seem to have much accuracy and yes I might put some of my faves but like after NCT recent shit I gotta know lol cause idols can be very endearing but they want us to believe that innocent pure side to them.

heres mah list of idols I don't know if I quite trust or believe and sometimes I really want to believe they're sweet kind guys but these days u never know who hiding what.

NCT Johnny, mark, yuta, maybe add taeyong too ik they unfollowed taeil but idk they got to be on their best behaviours if they still want to be idols otherwise NCT is done for. And I think every member of NCT had a scandal at some point just got to e sure ABT it

enhypen heesung, another quiet idol ik I'm quiet myself but sometimes there's quiet and then there's too quiet, it's like bro doesn't want to be there. Should I put jay on the list? I mean he's American he's going to be a bit more OTT and likely into all sorts of stuff / could be wrong ofc but ya never know oh and I will add Jake too just bc again he plays too much into being innocent.

GOT7 mark / JB or jackson those three I'm particular sus of for no real reason ehhh I don't always vibe with their on camera actions or behaviours towards one another same with other groups like over teasing just don't sit right with me mm k

ateez ok I love this group with all my cold heart but I'm still sus of a few members seonghwa he's sweet but a tad too sweet does aegyo too much for his age and always seems to want to be the face of the group, sorry also going to put wooyoung cause he doesn't seem to mind being in everyone or anyone's face and kinda says things that make him seem a bit of a player or he's just got an out of pocket character as a whole or result of being in the kpop world from a young age, jongho ik the "baby" of the group but he scares me. And I really am not into babying men. Maybe I will ask ABT San too but that's the thing u don't know what they like and I don't want to waste time over worshipping grown men.

BTS sorry they can be top tier no one's going to take that away from them but there's still some members I dont vibe with, maybe i dont understand their charavter or feel like their on camera character is too forced. So jin, jhope and suga (had to ask lol, he doesn't seem to care to partake in group activities) almost loke he just there to perform and make music then calls it a day. Ik jk is sweet but even so he calls himself international playboy so imma ask anyway.

I just don't buy into the images of idols nowadays yet I still love these groups the themes / talent they have but I have my suspicions ngl

Sorry for rambling Thanks very much even if I'm wrong it would just be nice to know if these idols I mentioned aren't hiding anything abt their behaviours or actions

I know how Jin can come across but he seems good as he just likes hanging around older people/ cooking introverted hobbies . He just that nerdy guy . Jhope can be but of perfectionist and seem to have certain love style to him although don't think he would do anything. Suga said himself that he don't like to hang out with someone for a long time lol even okay with long distance.

I am a big fan of bts so of course can't say off this so my judgement not that great.

Seonghwa to me is just a bit more feminine, yeah he does have those confident vibes of wanting to make sure to be the face of the group but that is the main reason most want to be famous . Jongho maybe a little weird vibe but not something crazy for me . Wooyoung don't think he would have any big scandal . Although I am not into Ateez .

Okay so JB did have a bunch of naked woman as his art around his room , like to be honest I guess you can say it's art at the end day as V did had like naked chair of woman furniture to . Jackson , every clip of him and his actions always portray him as a gentleman .

I heard about rumor of nct going to red light distract and also that rumor of them sleeping and paying for fans to have sexual stuff with them . They also have rumor of being party idols. Although again just maybe vibes people have with bunch foreigner.

I like Mark and haechan they seem ok . But again Idk nct that well .

If this was insensitive of me to do ,let me know

[nathank77]

6/12/24

2:10 a.m Edited/Added to 2:17 a.m

So idk what to do about the brown stains. Maybe I'll wait until March and get my annual cleaning and get an estimate for the filling/sealant then. I mean it's easier. I can do chrest whitening strips in January...

I made my Instagram public again idk why. I thought Mike was lying about my face thinning out since losing weight but holy mother fuck you can see it especially in this one from December.

Omg I look so much better right now. I even noticed that my cheek touching Ray-Bans although they still do touch my cheeks they aren't as bad as they used to be bc my face thinned out! I mean they still do touch but they have more wiggle room.

Brayson reached out to me after I posted 500 amazing photos of my sexy self on fb and Instagram. Bro I know I'm hot but I mean why did the fact that I hear a voice make you friendzone me? I mean I met a girl who told me she had schizophrenia and I wasn't against dating her until day one she got me on the phone and started crying hysterically and then wanted me to call every night to say goodnight it was weird and clingy. And too much at the get go.

I mean when I think about it, I'm hot. And I know if I don't talk about the voice then I'm no longer labeled as crazy... yet it still exists. If I didn't tell you I hallucinate you'd have no fucking idea. Everytime I go to my Dr they mark on mychart if I'm alert. My presentation, etc. And if the patient is psychotic. It's normal they do it for everyone, every visit. And everytime I'm not labeled as psychotic. I'm labeled as alert, friendly, nice, polite. You'd never know.

So why can't I talk about it with you and have you see I'm still the same person. When I date you I'm friending you first. Imma be your bestie. Like we ain't gonna fuck. And if you can't handle being close and bonding and knowing things about me that are less than desirable we aren't going to work.

Not to mention my voice hearing experience will not affect you. It will only effect you in one way, I NEED tv on to sleep at a decent volume bc I'm hard of hearing and I have to drown it out to keep my sanity, that's it. I mean and I always need background noise on.... but I mean that's pretty normal.... Otherwise it'll never effect you other than you feeling bad for me. Other than that if we go hiking I'll just ask you to talk a lot... beyond that no sensory deprivation things cause like yea no. But I mean that's it.

Last time I talked to him I talked to him about the gym and didn't bring up the voice. I didn't bring it up but that's kinda my point. The voice doesn't make me do anything. I don't listen to it. I just hear stimuli that isn't here and I hate it. I drown it out. If you can't be my bestie and see me as exactly the same as I was before I started hearing a voice then we can't go there.

Feel bad for me, be there for me and beyond that just talk to me about the afterlife and what kind of bacon you like. But yea anyways I'll be single forever. I want to be loved completely. Regardless of what's in my pants or if I hear a voice. I want to be loved as the shattered mosaic I am.

Versus now I don't really have an adequate comparison tbh but wow. I don't want to go back to 200 pounds. I want to go 150 but I'll still love myself if I end up being 200 pounds.

[just-jess-78]

I am so completely overwhelmed. I haven’t had as much just stuff going on all at once…ever. That I can remember.

Today I went to grab a jacket off the back of my bedroom door saw the holes punched in it and I can’t explain the feeling I had.

Then I got a call to go interview for a job I applied for and it was a guy on the phone and I instantly shut the fuuuuck down. It’s so fucking weird. I talk to guys that I’m friends with, I’m around men in small doses and controlled settings but the idea of having to work with guys FEELS like it’s too much. I can’t even take my car to get the oil changed because when I’m the only girl in that kind of setting, I make it through but it takes days to recover and I wish that was a joke. I wish it didn’t sound completely fucking nuts too. I wish I didn’t have to FUCKING feel that way.

Then, I had to go in to a new-ish job for a little while today and this fucking creeper named Robert fucking locked in and literally followed me around so much that they had to tell him (jokingly but seriously) to stop. Oh no. He did not. I don’t even know if it was a thing, thing or if he’s just like that. Or if it’s me?!? Am I too fucking friendly?? I can fucking promise you I didn’t give Richard (whatever) any kind of indication that eeeek no. He’s probably young enough to be my kid. If I had ugly ass annoying kids. You know the one person that drives everyone crazy. That’s him. You can avoid him all you want and then BAM there he is. Fuckin Richert.

Then, on top of all the clusterfuckery a girl I work with and I were talking the other day about going to hand out blankets since it’s so cold out. Yada yada yada. I’m only saying that to say that…I’ve never talked about my life before I got clean to these friends. I don’t ever talk about it. Not necessarily out of shame but just because it was 546 years ago so it doesn’t come up. Well, the blankets thing turned into a big thing and now it’s an EVEN BIGGER thing. I’m so fucking glad and I’m so beyond excited about it. We have started making plans to hopefully turn it into something bigger. The only thing is, none of the other people doing it have ever been on drugs and certainly not homeless and sometimes they say things that absolutely cut me to the core and I know they don’t know that but it’s just a reminder of how even people that want to help are so fucking clueless. I don’t even think anyone is on here or reads this but just know that I know that they have good hearts and I know they’re doing it for the right reasons but they don’t get it. They all teased me because I hugged so many of them and when I tried to explain that it’s because nobody else will even look them in the eyes, it never registered.

I asked at each camp if clean needles would help. Duh. Of course they all said yes. They wouldn’t talk to the other girls about any of it so I’m relaying all if it later and there were two girls that instantly said “no that’s not what we’re doing” okay …but I thought you were “doing the lords work” why the fuck bother to keep them warm when they’ll die if they don’t shoot up or spread more disease around when they do because they will. Hello. Idk but it makes it hard not to take it personal because they have no idea. One girl even tried going live or did and I almost flipped my shit. I explained how some have warrants or running from someone. Not to mention it’s the tackiest fucking thing you can do in my opinion. “Watch me help everyone” get the fuck out of here. And when I told her that she said “oh bullshit nobody’s gonna come get them” I know I sound like a total bitch and I am being bitchy it’s just that every time they say something shitty I take it personal because I’ve been there. Those are my people. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel all that shame again which is so dumb because it’s been so long that it doesn’t feel like it was my life. But it was and it could just as easily still be. I’m just lucky. I’m also about to fall asleep typing.

It’s crazy how we think we know people but we have no clue. Today when I went to my second job the girls all said that when I started they all thought I was going to be snobby and made references to where I live and that I gave off oil and gas money vibes. Which is crazy because the oil and gas money vibes thing is spot on (not for long lol) but I wonder what they’d think if they knew where I’ve been. I already know what they’d think. They would only see that part from there on out. The only people I’m open about that part of my life with are people that are where I’ve been. Because those people only see this part. That’s the beautiful thing about broken people.

Swear to God until the last two days I’ve been on cloud nine. I think I’m just overwhelmed and have way too much going on. Tomorrow none of this will probably matter. Maybe it’s my period? Fuuuck.

Maybe it’s just a lot of big changes and old trauma and I should give myself and my mind a break. Maybe I need to treat myself the way I treat the people I see myself in the most because those are my people.

[scarlethallow160]

why tf do one bedroom apartments have to be so expensive (this is a huge vent dump pls avert your gazes)

my roommate keeps inviting people to our apartment without fucking telling me (or waiting til the LAST possible second to do so) even tho i’ve said time and time again i hate when people do that especially cuz he has a bad habit of doing that when we have plans where he just invites other people (esp people i barely know or dont know at all) without telling me or anyone else that was already involved. its even more aggravating cuz when this is brought up he acts like he makes sure to avoid this and he fucking doesnt like when i lived with an old friend and an ex-friend, him and our other friend invited someone to our place (so they invited a stranger to a place they did not live at) and none of them fucking told me until i was literally about to walk inside after work and like am i crazy or do people not see how rude that is?? like dawg thats my fucking home U GOTTA TELL ME WHEN PEOPLE THAT DO NOT LIVE THERE ARE GOING TO BE THERE

and if ur going to force me to interact with strangers have the decency to introduce us???? once we went to meet with some friends (not rly but i’d met them before) and ig one of their sisters was there and they just. didnt introduce us to each other? and we were on opposite ends of the table so its not like we could really interact either? and they did this when we got invited to another friends bday thing where someone i’d never been introduced to was there and they didnt fuckin introduce us and i was anxious cuz i was sitting across from her and finally had to be like “oh hi are u x? i’m so-and-so” like jesus christ is this not common sense for people? why are yall okay with forcing complete strangers to hangout

and with work today i was so overstimulated and got more and more aggravated by this cuz like i dont want to have to move every year and one bedrooms are so expensive rn but im so fucking tired of going thru this. not to mention we dont have a ceiling fan in our living room so he turns down the ac rly low when people are over so it jacks up our ac bill so it makes me even More anxious cuz him inviting people over = social anxiety for me and general anxiousness knowing our bill is going to be higher

i was so aggravated by this i ended up skipping out on plans we had today cuz my roommate also talks about himself. a lot. and we were out with friends like yesterday night or smthing and he kept going on and on about some guys he’s talking to on a dating app and i knew that would just make me angrier and idk it kinda sucked that one of my other friends involved thought i felt i was rly close with didnt seem to gaf either that i abruptly dropped out and theres obviously something wrong with me mental health-wise cuz i have this really bizarre self-sabotaging tendency when my mood severely dips where i convince myself no one cares or everyone hates me and think of this dark scenarios and just kind of start spiraling

and with my anger issues i go thru this weird loop of understanding a lot of my emotional/temperamental and communication issues stems from my fucked up family cuz my mom is super vain/self-absorbed and never thinks she can be wrong and basically my sisters are the same so i keep things bottled up and end up getting REALLY angry with no healthy outlet until i reach a breaking point and im just not great with communicating how i rly feel either cuz talking to my family was like talking to a brick wall and my older sister would literally cut me off constantly telling me to shut up so i rarely communicate things beyond like....joking around and stuff so i tend to vent/trauma dump into the void on social media lmfao which is obviously not healthy at all either but like......yeah it also sucks when i start spiraling and thinking back on this shit that i’ll never get closure from the longterm issues i developed from my family cuz now they want to act like we’re this tight-knit super close family that always got along and even if i were to ever bring this shit up they’d just point fingers or deny doing anything wrong.

 idk like its nice having a group of friends i can hangout with and stuff irl but also i feel like i cant ever really talk to them about anything like this that im going thru cuz i also feel super uncomfortable thinking i might be making things about myself (and honestly i do hate when people trauma-dump on me completely out of nowhere so i also want to avoid doing that)

also whats stopping me about addressing these issues with my roommate is cuz he has a tendency to victimize himself and thinking hes just being attacked? like he’s also super self-deprecating All the time which is also extremely exhausting to deal with constantly and it pisses me off that with our other friend/my old roommate, my current roommate kisses his ass and listened to him when he told him these issues of him being too self-deprecating etc. but ik if anyone else did he would just feel sorry for himself

im tired of this

[survivor-north-sea]

Episode Five: "i will not relent!!! u will like me!!!" - Bethany

Hairie

I am not happy with the tribal council but I am also not entirely mad. I’m sad to see Chelsea go. Someone flipped from ex Tromoya and I have a strong feeling it was Zach

-

I partially feel guilty for not choosing Chelsea for tribe swap. She was my alliance and now she’s gone.

Esteban

idk what to expect on this round. I am hearing that bethany is rallying the non-women again and staining my name that I did pushed aj and trinica that much on idol hint. Wth! I would never respect that move. But good for you. Now you are givigng me much time to think and a fire to probably play the game still til the end.

Raffy prob is neutral on which way he wanna go with either bethany’s story or i. Brandi profess that she wanna work with me and she thought jayjay would love too. Jayjay is so welcoming on me and said the same way that she wants me to stay on the game and she is skeptical about bethany and that it make sense she is saying she is like pulling all the ladies again in this new tribe and on her own words she said, “let vote bethany out the first time we will get a chance.”

Hairie, i am still in doubt of him. Idk where he is on this thought process but i told him my truth may it be wrong or not but i am not lying to what i felt is right. 😅

Tyler hopefully he is still on my side. He told me that bethany was caught on the act when she confirm that there is a non-men alliance when tyler was confronted her lying that jinx leaked that information.

On the lighter note: i look horribly crazy in my lip sync. And please let that video just stay here in this ORG. 🙈🙈🙈

-

Late confessionals (strike 1)

Sorry been very busy lately.

We’ve won the music video challenge. Kudos to tomoya 2.0 for giving all the effort and it is worth it.

The vibe went positive in the camp. People sharing thought about have kore advantages so we can win another round of challenge.

I am loving this tribe more than the old one. I hope we will not see the tribal earlier before merge happens.

So far i feel like jayjay and brandi had my back and tyler too. Hoping hairie too. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

That tie vote of the hidra tribe is crazy. And chelsea going home i hope will give the og tromoya a chance for us to infiltrate the group.

Cheetos we are holding on. Take care!

Jayjay

Im pretty shocked that it was Chelsea who got voted out this tribal council! I’m sad to see her go she was such a great person! Wondering how the dynamics and alliances are working over on hidra considering I thought the vote was going to be for a male with the info I got from ex hidra team members.

Arvin Bentonon

Oh noooo! My survivor cool mom was voted out. Now I'm in the bottom.

-

I really want Julia to be the gesturer. I think in the music video, Julia showed everyone that she communicates well with actions by giving us nice clean movements.

-

I told Julia that it's either one of us should be the gesturer. So I nominated her in the GC and seems like everybody is on board with it. I'm just so afraid that if one of the rest of them would gesture, they might throw the challenge by confusing us. So I really need to try hard and guess what Julia is trying to act. Just in case they want to throw a challenge, to even out the numbers.

Raffy

Is it weird that I don't really want to win this game? I thought about it and realized that I just want to have fun and meet the newbies. My feelings will probably change sooner or later. But, for now, I'm content with going whichever which way.

Tyler Frazier

So I’m growing a bit concerned about my relationship with Esteban. Prior to the swap he mentioned wanting to work with Raffy and that plus the fact he was able to seemingly instantly integrate himself into the old Tromøya makes me feel like I’m no longer a main priority for him

AJ

I'm honestly pretty hyped for charades. I feel like it's the one in which we have the most even odds. I'm honestly so proud of the femmes and thems alliance rn. Highlight of last round was Zach "uniting" us. Anyway just a short confession until I can give a larger one after the challenge

Raffy

I found an idol! That climbing gear finally came in handy haha. In any case, I think I'll keep this to myself. No use telling everyone and having me be a bigger threat than I already am. Though it does make me question just how many idols are in this game.

Brandi

I’m really hoping to just ride the tromoya train and stay low until the merge - tribal is scary

Arvin Bentonon

I have to made up an advantage, like a legacy advantage if they will believe it, I will be saved by this vote.

Trinica

At this point, Jay's gotta be sick of seeing us at tribal. AND YET.

These advantages/disadvantages are really killing us. We came so close to winning charades!! Julia honestly did an amazing job, and I told her that she doesn't deserve to go home after that performance. I hate to send Arvin home, but I'd feel awful sending Julia home after how well she did.

There are no more idols to be found in the game anymore, which is nerve-wracking. Arvin or Julia could very well have one, so this next vote is going to be tricky. And I'm assuming we've as well as lost the next challenge because AJ and I both landed us with 10% disadvantages. It's not looking good for Hidra (but when is it ever...?)

Esteban

When you thought you don’t care anymore and that you are gonna voted out early then here comes the gods of the seven kingdoms blessing you a safety. Congratulations to tomoya 2.0. raffy did well tbh

Champ

So nervous about losing a challenge! I need to make sure bethany and Tyler stay in this game! If we lose I’m assuming Esteban tyler or bethany will go, and I really want to make it to merge with my entire tribe! Once we merge I feel like I’m in a really good position to make it far

Hairie

We won ... AGAIN! I'm so happy that we did. On top that, the idol or idols has been found and someone or a couple of someones has it. The game is elevating yet again!

Tyler Frazier

So I have the weird sword advantage which would be great if I was certain I’d make the merge but…I’m not. I mean if things go really wrong and Bethany Champ or I get booted then obvi it can be played (I think for them im gonna need to re read) which will be great if we can get out of our current position

Bethany

slayyyy tromoya wins again!!!! im very happy with that because i still dont feel safe here lol but im hoping esteban is starting to see the light and is going to not immediately try and flip on tyler and i

so tyler, champ, and i have a little trio going called brayden's angels which is so cute and tyler and i went idol hunting together today and everything that was good was sold out so like no slay EXCEPT for the 100 coin item

tyler and i had 70 coins combined so we decided to go beg champ for her money too and ms girl is way too loyal and just handed them right over

so tyler bought the sword and it forces a battleback if one of us is eliminated once jury starts which is so fun i love it and im excited because im usually good at comps so that would be perfect if i get voted out lolol

hopefully we can keep the winning streak going and then at the merge i can reunite with all of pink venom and play both sides mwahaha we will see though not trying to get ahead of myself, i just want to try and keep social gaming when we don't have tribal because i don't think tyler is trying as hard with people but it's hard when they leave me on read all day *cough cough* jayjay. but i will not relent!!! u will like me!!!

Arvin Bentonon

Right now, I don't want to talk too much. I just really want to enjoy the process, and maybe someone would talk to me and possibly save me from this vote. The former old hidra tribe thinks I'm running the show with the former tromoya already because I want to talk to almost everyone of them. Now I'm definitely in the chopping block.

Esteban

i don’t know if i am only one of the few people who is happy that the hinting is over. Respect to the host and the fun twist but i still stun a back to basic game where it seperate people who are playing a social, strategic and amazing game to those who are just hoping for luck. 😅.

Do you agree?

Now that it is all over let the survivor back to basic game start! Sorry i was born to play back to basic games. 😂😂😂🤞🏻No more hiding.

AJ

So bad news and even worse news lmfao. We lost the challenge, all idols in the fucking idol hunt have been found, and now idol hunt is closed. Which means we're probably losing up till and into the merge. I can only hope the other tribe has a bunch of disadvantages. We're most likely going into the challenge after next with a net 20% disadvantage unless someone was able to find something. I have my 10% AD at any time, but I will not be using it when we'll still be in the negative and probably still lose.

This next challenge is going to be a 24 hours challenge. What does that mean for AJ? If you guessed zero sleep, you'd be correct!! No matter what it is I'm going to do my absolute best to get us to win it. We NEED a break at some point, honestly, and if it weren't for the advantages we would have won that last challenge. Being on a losing streak isn't fun, but we'll get through it. We always do.

Jayjay

The last charade challenge was a lot of fun. I think Raffy killed it being the gesture, you could tell he definitely gave it his all! Super proud of our team and winning all these challenges. Tromoya strong forevaaaa!!

Hairie

Solidifying my number 1 and we gonna make it to final 3 I’m confident!

-

Strong feelings that either Arvin or Zach going home this next tribal. I’m also thinking Julia might have flipped more so than I initially thought it was Zach. I could be wrong but my guts telling me just that.

Zach🤠

Cant believe we’re going to tribal again. Not a slay. Love that our little panic alliance has stuck together after that one vote to save my ass. AND we have an in with AJ. I have no idea how Julia and Arvin still trust AJ after that last flip, but here we are. I asked Julia why not try to take me down today and she explained to me how similar our games were and how she thought that made us closer and stronger together. And I agree. I can really see myself going a long way with AJ and Jinx.

Arvin Bentonon

I'm not going home without a fight.

Julia

Welp I was blindsided last time and it’s my time to go here. I tried so hard during charades but it wasn’t good enough and I’m heartbroken

jinx

imma keep it so real right now i will ride and die for my alliance but i think we might be the …bad guys…like…we’re really about to be THAT majority alliance huh….erm….chile anyways…did anyone have the chicken?? the chicken was lovely! like we’re girlbossing gaslighting and gatekeeping but at what cost? anyways. i swear if pink venom is reading this post season ITS ONLY BECAUSE WERE A MAJORITY ALLIANCE MAKING THINGS BORING 😭 but we’re a majority of minorities….like WIG!!!!! taking the power back!!!! but are we taking too much??? who’s to say! anyways no jinxcast this round simply because i aint got shit to say! saving it for my actual journal. love y’all! xoxo gossip jinx

Toni

Theme: Anxiety and Alliances

Hello World.

What a shaky Tribal we had on Sunday. We were still strategising by the initial tribal time - thank god it was delayed. The feeling of having my name out there is a feeling I did not enjoy. If anything had gone wrong I would have gone home. The game is getting harder. I started this game confident in my gut feeling but even though I've never been on the wrong side of the vote I can feel my anxiety rising.

I'm grateful for the alliances I've built here and over on the other tribe but the game is getting harder. You do genuinely connect with some of these people and it starts to creep into your heart when you choose to vote them out. We're voting Julia out today and even though I initially misunderstood her I've recently really connected with her on our mutual love for the WNBA. I'm sad. I do have to stay true to my word and loyal to my alliance. Still I'm sad.

Signing off safe but sad.

AJ

Can't remember if I've submitted one of these this round or not. Better safe than sorry so I'm doing that now. We're betraying Julia which is sad because I do really like her, but there's been some good points made for her vote out. Julia when this comes out ily, sorry for my vote

[simstationdance]

i loooove your drawings please drop that tristan legend analysis you mentioned im crazy over the handheld spinoffs <3

omg 💕 i Love talking about Tristan Legend so i’m really happy you asked... (all of my friends can attest to this i literally never shut the fuck up about him)

real talk, when i played the sims 2 gba the first time, i don't know why my brain decided to latch onto This Guy:

but it did. and so, uh... here we are sdfjhdsjfsh

this answer kinda got... long... I really hope it's good 😭

--

note: not sure how much this matters but im gonna mention it anyway - i've mostly just played the GBA game and have seen only a small portion of the DS game. thus almost all of my thoughts about tristan are derived from things he says/does in ts2 gba, more than ts2 ds. if I say something about him and it somehow turns out to be wildly incorrect bc of some obscure piece of dialogue from ts2 ds.... uhh that's why. i know he apparently used to be the uhh, the rat man. but other than that idk much of what he says in that game, if he says anything really important at all.

--

Here's my analysis / headcanon(?) / theory / whatever you wanna call it about Tristan Legend:

Tristan's bio describes him as "more handsome, more charismatic, and more talented" than anyone else on earth. That's a pretty big claim to make, and I'm not sure how much I believe him.

Don't get me wrong, I do think he's very skilled and very smart. He'd have to be, honestly, to pull off the things he does. Building entire hotel rooms in a matter of hours, and creating Optimum Alfred (and oh man do I have A Lot to say about Alfred, but this post would be too long if I included all of that here), among other things, are tasks that require a great level of skill and intelligence.

However, I get kind of a... weird vibe off of him? A vibe of ‘local man just met you, a random stranger, but he really really wants you to think he’s cool and for you to tell him so.’ He seems like the kind of person who genuinely can’t stand being considered ‘average’ or ‘ordinary,’ and would rather others see him for his feats of strength and skill more than anything else.

As a result, he’s resorted to going to extremes in an effort to prove something to himself and/or other people. To prove to others that he really is ‘more handsome, more charismatic, and more talented than anyone else on earth,’ that he’s... well, a Legend. Because otherwise, who is he and what is he really worth?

I'm not sure how to explain what I mean any better than that, but I'll try.

So, in the episode 'What Digs Beneath,' when you encounter Tristan in the saloon, he says this and nothing else:

“Sometimes when I see a tornado or a big sand storm, I just walk right up to it and stand in the center. That’s what I call the “Zen Zone.” It eases my mind.”

In the episode 'Aliens Arrived', the next time you see him (in the barn), he says this, once again followed by nothing else:

"Sometimes I volunteer for scientific experiments for a little extra cash... especially when it involves an explosion. Those pay extra.”

In these first few episodes, you're still technically new in town, and so - rather than introduce himself, or even say hello to you when you come to talk to him - the very first (real) impression that Tristan seems determined to make on you is that he's this Super Cool Guy who performs wild-sounding stunts like meditating in sandstorms, and that he does impressive things like volunteering for scientific experiments ~with explosions~.

All things considered, I actually do believe him when he says he's done these things - because I feel like Tristan is determined and unhinged enough to actually do all of that, or at least try. You know, just to prove that he can. Just to have something to talk about. To show to others and be like, ‘Isn’t that neat? Am I cool now?’

--

I feel like his desperate urge to impress people comes out in full force in the episode ‘The New Scent.’ Understandably so, I suppose, because he wants to impress a woman, Kayleigh Wintercrest (because her perfume is driving the boys wild... uh, literally).

But Tristan Legend is not one for half measures, and Kayleigh is notoriously difficult to win over. So he decides the best option is a romantic horseback ride. And he decides “I’ll impress her by telling her I tamed them myself,” so he goes out and... actually tames some wild horses.

“All women like horses, that’s a fact.” Hmmmm.

I don’t know about you but this sounds, to me, less like he’s stating a fact, and more like he’s been reading articles in magazines about generalized dating advice, just hoping he’s gonna get this right.

In this same episode, the player is tasked with sabotaging the efforts of all the other men trying to woo Kayleigh by the mayor, who also wants to woo Kayleigh. In this case, Giuseppi is cleaning manure out of a barn so that Tristan can keep the horses somewhere before the date. The player sabotages this by filling the barn with even more shit than before. uh... yeah.

Tristan’s reaction to sight of this sent me into orbit and still lives in my brain to this day.

”You won’t believe your eyes, Mr. Legend. I cleaned up the place real good! Spotless, every nook and cranny.” ”I told you it was fun, didn’t I?” ”You sure did, Mr.--” [Tristan and Giuseppi find the barn filled with manure again.] ”GAH! W-what happened here! This place is a mess! It’s awful!” ”...You seem to have lied to me, Giuseppi.” ”N-no, Mr. Legend... good grief, I KNOW I cleaned this place!” ”I don’t think there’s any time left to clean it before Kayleigh arrives.” ”Aw geez, I am so sorry Mr. Legend. I feel so bad.” “But there IS time to throw you from a moving train. C’mon. Let’s go. It’ll be even more fun.” “Oh thank you for this opportunity Mr. Legend. Really, I mean it.” [Tristan and Giuseppi walk off screen]

His reaction to losing his chance with Kayleigh Wintercrest is to talk about throwing a guy off of a moving train with a big smile on his face. This, uh, feels like a... mild... overreaction.

This man has problems.

--

Anyway. So, the rest of his bio ("Not much is known about the infamous Tristan Legend...") implies that he doesn't talk much - and not just to you, but to anybody - about other areas of his life that don't directly pertain to his outrageous stunts and interesting hobbies.

And this appears to be true, as every chance the player has to speak to him during the game (from what I can remember / have seen, at least), he doesn't have very much to say, and doesn't seem especially interested in telling you too much about himself. Which is valid, considering you kinda just showed up, but it’s more the fact that no one in Strangetown seems to know very much about him to the point where it becomes a feature of his in-game biography that piques my interest.

In the final episode, 'It All Came to An End', the most information he gives about his past in this case is the fact that he built Optimum Alfred when he was five years old. And he doesn’t seem very interested in talking about that. His attitude towards Alfred’s existence in general feels like... “yeah I built a highly advanced robot when I was five, so what? Who cares about that? Wanna hear about how I base jumped off of an erupting volcano instead?” or whatever.

(The word 'infamous' in his bio would also imply that he's known for having done something Bad, but even to this day, people have a tendency to think 'infamous' is synonymous with 'famous' when it isn't. I don’t know what Tristan could possibly have done to become ‘infamous’, so I'm going to let that slide.)

When he appears in episodes where he isn't plot-relevant, he says similar things to what he says in the second and third S1 episodes, or things that have something to do with the plot of the episode itself, and otherwise just hangs around.

--

Or, in one earlier case, he talks about killing giant scorpions. Because, in the sims 2 DS, it’s revealed that they took off with his girlfriend. This is one of the few personal things he tells you about himself in that game, to my knowledge.

“If you see any giant scorpions out here, let me know. I think I killed all of them, but I can’t be certain.”

This is the first, and only, thing he says to you in the episode ‘Buried By The Mob’. You can just walk up to him and he’ll say That, and if it wasn’t for the relationships menu you probably wouldn’t even know who he is.

(I have heard that people are unsure(?) whether the sims 2 ds is a prequel or a sequel to the sims 2 gba. I honestly don’t know either way. If ds is a prequel, then this line becomes deeply upsetting. If ds a sequel, then this line becomes deeply upsetting in a... slightly different way.)

--

So, tl;dr:

In my eyes, Tristan Legend really seems like the kind of person who - while genuinely very cool all on his own, and surprisingly good at just about anything he tries - feels like just being 'cool' on its' own isn’t enough. He can't just settle for that and call it a day, he wants to be Number One.

So, he will go to any lengths to achieve the ideal of being The Coolest Person On Earth, keeping everything else of a more personal nature to himself, left mostly up to the imagination. He’d rather be defined by his Risky Achievements and his Impeccable Talents than anything else.

(He also does not seem to take ‘losing’ very well at all.)

But that's just the vibes he gives off to me. I definitely have more to say about the man the myth the (tristan) legend, but this post is long enough as it is i think. I also tried to keep it to just analysis of what’s presented in the game, i didn’t want to go too far into wild speculation and headcanon territory bc i was worried it would seem... weird...? i literally have terminal 7 brain rot over this obscure pixel man help

[dreamrecorder]

Ok so- idk if you’ve seen demon slayer;; but there’s this episode (it was during the spider fambam arc) aNywaYs- so like. Rui yeets ties* (i guess-) Nezuko like. Up in the air. With his weird spider thread jazz— and like. It’s sHarP weird spider thread jazz— so she’s like. Yknow. Being sliced and diced with string— but it kindaaa reminds me of like. Xiao. And his like.... weird... sad.... uh. Karma. Thing. Like y’know where he’s like hanging from his arms- red stuff. Yeah. So like. Now for the actual request

Xiao’s s/o (female if you don’t mind;;) gets kidnapped by like— the fatui or smth. And they tie her up like Nezuko :D to be like “lol haha Xiao be all like-” and she’s just. Like. Dying. Slowly. Dripping b l o o d and yknow. All the tea. And Xiao comes to rescue her— and he’s like 0-0 “wait...” and he realizes that’s like- exactly what happens to him- and so. He beats the fatui’s butts saves his s/o, anddddd she like.

Idk. This is where I need your angst expertise ❤️ like- she could d i e. In his arms. And poor Xiao would be so scarred omg poor thing- BUT THE ANGST- but at the same time;;;; the f l u f f of him being able to save her just in time and she was like fighting for him the whole time or whatever and ended up needing him to save her anyways- and then Xiao feeding her almond tofu until she gets better ❤️❤️❤️

IM SORRY THAT WAS SO LONG- im probably going crazy from lack of sleep from reading fics for too long sndndnsnsj

But if you do this,,, BLESS YOUR SOUL I HOPE TO EITHER BALL MY EYES OUT OR SQUEAL FROM THE WHOLESOMENESS-

Anyways.... thank you! Have a stellar day~ ✨❤️

The heart yearns and the wind heard

lmao this ask is so adorable i hope you’d enjoy this ksks

anyway, full Angst train up ahead but there are moments of Fluff too. There are mentions of blood and violence if those are not your thing- dont worry guys, this goes with a happy ending cos you and Xiao deserve one~ on a final note- non canon compliant and suuuuuuper long- like- legit this is very long

The Yaksha sighs.

He’s here again. His mind and heart has returned his being into this crimson world his demons have created within him.

He feels it. He feels the corruption binding him tighter again for every death he brings by his tainted hands.

He looks at his bindings. And ever so slowly, the red and black coiling around his person will eventually reach his heart.

One day, he thinks, all this crimson and black in this world will swallow him whole and he will see the light no more.

Xiao sighs again.

This is his karmic debt.

~

The moment you stepped foot within Wangshu Inn, you knew he was in his prison again. After giving a quick greeting to the inn keeper, you hastily went to Xiao’s room. The closer you got, the heavier the atmosphere became.

You reached his door and knocked softly. As expected, no reply as he continues to struggle to take back his control over himself. Without hesitation, you stepped in. To anyone else, they would have instantly met his spear at their throats, but with you, this doesn’t happen. Instead, you see him crouched on the wooden floor with a hand on his chest. His knuckles were white and his breathing was ragged. His amber eyes- lost. Observing his form, yes… his moments of corruption are becoming progressively worse.

With swift steps of familiarity to this routine, you went to him and grasped his shoulders.

“Xiao, it’s me…” You whispered with clarity. And oh- how your voice brought a wave of comfort to his soul.

“N-name…” His voice cracked, but him calling to you is always a good sign.

You gave him a small smile and proceeded to grasp his hands together with yours. After which, you then leaned your forehead to his to chant your prayers. As your prayers progressed, slowly but surely, the corruption begins to fade along with the black mist that covered him. However, you took note how this ritual took longer than the last.

Once everything is done, Xiao just slumped onto your shoulders, still breathing deeply. “How are you feeling?” It was a useless question you asked every time this happens, but you always, always, have to make sure.

Usually, he would mutter a small ‘fine,’ but now- words seemed to have left his mind and all he could muster was an almost-unnoticeable shrug.

Truth be told- his response disheartened you, but you did not show it. Instead, you opted to simply encase him in your arms and caress his hair. After all, these are just one of the few, rare moments Xiao would leave himself into your care. Xiao is aware, himself, that his state has been becoming worse and worse. And you both know, that a day would come when he would just attack anyone- friend or foe- without a trace of hesitation. So, just this time- he speaks his feelings.

“Name?”

You answered immediately with a questioning hum.

“What would you do… when I finally lose control over myself?”

It was very subtle, but he felt how your hand stopped caressing his hair for a second, then proceeded to the previous task at hand again. In all honestly, you can never find yourself having an answer to that question. “And why would I ever let that happen to you?” You questioned back, fully aware that you were dodging his question.

Silence surrounded the two of you, unsure on what to do with the sudden heavier atmosphere.

Not wanting to face the cruelty of the world yet, Xiao simply buried himself on the crook of your neck even more. And despite the ghostly sensation of his lips on your skin, you could feel him mouth the words ‘I love you.’

“As long as I’m here,” you whispered, “nothing can hurt you.” And that was the most beautiful lie that the Yaksha has heard, but he was willing to believe all the same.

~

When word about Fatui diplomats starting a bank reached you, there was a nagging feeling in your head that trouble would bring itself present anytime soon. It was like an itch that wouldn’t get away. And the only way to have that itch gone is to scratch it.

“You are absolutely a fool.” Xiao stated darkly with crossed arms, for once disagreeing with the plans of his master.

“We can never know what their intentions are unless we let them start their bank, no?” Zhongli said as he gazed at the marsh spread beneath him.

The Yaksha only scoffed but said no more.

Building up your courage, you deemed it was your turn to voice out your thoughts, “Um… Rex Lapis, I see your point, but wouldn’t it be best to resolve the problem before it persists into something larger? We all know- All of Teyvat knows, that the Fatui are not to be trusted.”

Your archon offered you a kind smile, “I understand your worries, Name. However, as of the moment, they have not presented themselves as such. If they truly are our enemies, then it would be beneficial for us to know their intentions.”

You frowned deeply at his statement. Seeing you do so, somehow, your archon immediately identified your main concern.

“Is this about the Tianquan assigning you to be her representative for the Fatui?”

The moment those words left his mouth, a growl tore from Xiao’s throat, but he held his tongue.

“Did Ganyu tell you?”

The Archon nodded and you sighed.

“I volunteered, actually.”

And at that point, Xiao vanished into thin hair, but you could still his sense his presence around.

“May I know why?” Zhongli questioned gently.

For a moment, you struggled for words. You didn’t know how to describe this ‘itch’ to him. “At first, it was supposed to be Ganyu, since in the Tianquan’s eyes- Ganyu is an adeptus and she does not know that I am, too. Perhaps she didn’t want to put me in harm’s way, a ‘visionless human’ at the side of a harbinger. After some convincing to Ningguang for my volunteering, I spoke to Ganyu next.

“The adepti are divine beings that walk here in Liyue. I had this feeling that putting a divine next to a power-hungry harbinger would become an issue. I told Ganyu that, since I looked ‘harmless’ and ‘ordinary,’ the harbinger’s interest about the divine would never surface.”

A stretch of silence wrapped around them as Zhongli pondered over your words. “Perhaps, are you also planning to dig out the truth of their arrival?”

You nodded, “I knew you would allow them to stay, so I just took it upon myself to unfurl their secrets.”

“Hmmm… I grant you permission on doing this. However, should trouble arise, do not hesitate to tell us.���

~

The glare pointed at you was strong. Even without him saying a single word, you could hear his phantom voice in your head speak with such coldness, What are you thinking?

You simply gave him a reassuring smile, “I’ll be fine, Xiao. I may be a human in mortal eyes, but please do remember that I am also an adeptus, no matter how weak I am.”

Xiao releases a huff, but still sits by your side at the floor of the balcony, letting the moon kiss his skin. “You’re not weak.” He mumbled as he snaked his hand to yours.

To him, you will never be weak. In fact, you were the strongest being he has ever laid his eyes on. Not physically, no. It was you mental and emotional fortitude. Back during the Archon War, he always admired how you kept your head held up high no matter the suffering you have experienced. No matter how much death surrounded you, you still fought. And that strength made you a survivor. During the war, you never failed to help the wounded. Even when someone dies under your care, you held strong for the departed and for those who are left behind. You were a pillar of hope.

He brings your hand to his lips and kisses every knuckle “… Just be careful. If ever you are in trouble do not-“

“Hesitate to call your name.” You finished, beaming at his words.

~

As someone who used to be a healer and a doctor, you were quite familiar with several mild skin diseases that mortals can suffer from.

If there is an itch, you do not scratch it- for you will only aggravate the area even more.

Now that you’re working alongside the Fatui as the Tianquan’s representative, the itch you kept feeling was only irritated more. Especially whenever you spoke with the Harbinger who goes by the name Childe. And since your work requires you to cooperate with him, you also don’t miss the chance to discover what he hides, should the opportunity presents itself.

Childe… his azure eyes certainly have their… charm to those unaware. However, you knew better. You know he’s capable of drowning you just by his eyes. While he may be a cheerful man, his eyes lack the lustre of joy. The eyes are the windows of the soul, yes? If so, all you see is an unending ocean that you do not want to swim in. The surface may be calm, but the deep is relentless. However, duty bound you are- deep within the ocean, you shall find the secrets the Fatui hides.

Again, another scratch to the itch, but it only irritates you more.

~ 

The news of Rex Lapis’s death became the catalyst of you confronting the Harbinger. From Yujeng Terrace all the way to Northland Bank, you ran (with Ningguang’s permission of course). Before you can even open the door to his office, something caught your eye.

It’s faint, but you’re an adeptus. You sensed elemental traces, just smack bang at the middle of the door. You carefully scrutinized the tracings, and fortunately you knew Snezhnayan script. And what you read only made your heart sink.

It’s ready.

With the adeptal arts, you managed to uncover the origins of these elemental tracings.

Scratch.

Without hesitation, you followed these tracings until it led you into some ruins.

Scratch.

Following the tracings further, you find yourself in a dimly lit room. Wary, you summoned your weapon imbued with your element.

Scratch.

Searching the room, you came across several antique boxes. You opened them.

Scratch.

What you saw were familiar. Too familiar. Dimming the room more with your element, you find more Sigils of Permission hanging on the walls and on the ceilings. The energy within them were faint, but with enough numbers, it’s enough to kill a-

“Well, well well, I thought you’d be there mourning for your Archon. But here you are, snooping around someone else’s research material.”

The sound of his voice made you sharply turn your head to him, your stance now more offensive. “What are you planning?” You bit coldly.

The Harbinger hummed a small tune, “Nothing much… But! If you’re really curious, I guess I could tell you.” He hummed some more but you knew he’s not finished. Once he finished his tune, he grinned to you menacingly and the depths in his eyes became even deeper and darker, “After all, I won’t let you leave this place with you knowing my secret~”

~

There was this one time, Xiao struggled against himself so much, he scratched himself red so that he could anchor himself back to the real world. You remembered how much you cried as he slept in your arms. You never wanted to see him do that again. Seeing him hurt himself also hurt you, too. It was like a stab in the heart, then a twist, and twist some more. A slap in the reality that you might lose him one day.

As he slept, you solemnly observed the wounds he sustained himself to. They were angry red, just like blood.

Now, you, yourself scratched that itch in your head too much into a wound for blood to seep through. You scratched too much and now you have to bleed from it.

~

You were slipping in and out of consciousness. Sleep was tempting you more and more but you know you have to wake up. You were aware that this is going on for days.

Everything hurts. You remembered how his blades, imbued with the Sigils, weakened you thoroughly. Every slash he brought to your body just drained the energy away from you. But still you had to do something.

He wanted an adeptus- he wanted an adeptus in order for the Sigils to grow stronger both in number and in power.

Now here you are, bound by chains and suspended at the middle of this empty room. These chains were adorned by talismans that drained away your energy. You were bleeding from your wounds of your previous battle.

Drip. Drip. Drip goes the blood and pools on the ground underneath you. The ground, you barely noticed, was lined by Liyuean script which enacts the ritual of the Sigils draining your divine power from your blood.

To the eyes of a sadist- you were a picture perfect in a canvas. A dark room lined by the damned Sigils, glowing an eerie gold. Then there's you with your bloodied clothes and chains. The red pool underneath was casting a red glow on your way, giving you a red shade to your pale skin.

Everything hurts-

And everything was driving you mad.

You can also feel the Overlord of the Vortex feed from your energy through the Sigils. You sensed his lust for power and revenge. You felt his anger and the corruption within him. You felt his hatred and his want to bring death. For days that felt like years, you’ve been battling against that very same god in your head. This battle was not something you shall not lose to and failure is not an option. If you fail here, then Liyue will fall. 

This god- he was driving you mad slowly.

If ever you are in trouble, do not hesitate to call my-

You shut the thought from your head. You are not going to call him. You will not speak of him. You will not think of him. You will not call him. Not to this place where his corruption will grow. No. You Will Not Call Him.

If it means that me not calling you will keep you safe from the corrupted remnant of a god- so be it. 

Please

However, no matter how much you denied yourself to call his name, no matter how much your heart yearns to be with him- the wind does not ignore the pained sob that left your lips.

~

Ever since the news of Rex Lapis's death and the visit of the Traveler with a Sigil in his hand- the corruption within him just bloomed into something feral.

The Sigil- there was something wrong about it but Xiao doesn't know what is it that is wrong. Then there's you- where are you? Surely with the news of their Archon's death- it would send you to bring forth a meeting for the adepti to talk this over. But now- for days- you remain not by his side.

With you missing- the demons inside him are slowly taking control over him, taking advantage of his vulnerability for you. For each passing day, it was slow torture for him- The worry bubbling in him was consuming him. He glared at the Sigil between his fingers and not failing to notice how his dark aura covers him once more. 

“Traveler,” Xiao called sharply, “What is it you intend to do next?” 

To any mere mortal, the look his eyes held were enough to strike fear, but the Traveler stealed themselves- meeting the adeptus’s gaze with an equally serious calm. “I have my suspicions on a certain harbinger and I-”

“Where?” The Yaksha growled.

“In the Golden House.”

Without a word nor warning, Xiao placed a hand on the Traveler’s shoulder and teleported them to the place where the Exuvia is hidden.

To the Traveler, everything happened so quickly as one event led to another. One moment, they were standing among unconscious bodies of the Millelith then the next thing they knew a corrupted and demonic gust of wind flew them away to the side. Regaining back their vision, they could see Alatus’s spear now at Tartaglia’s barrier made of Sigils. 

Alatus narrowed his eyes at the floating talismans and began to calculate the flow of this incoming battle with precision and accuracy despite his losing control over himself. 

It was a tense minute of sizing each other up, but eventually, Tartaglia has broken the silence with his annoying innocent voice. 

“Who would have thought that I’d have the honor of fighting another adeptus of Liyue?” 

The question immediately fed the corruption within him, the dark aura exploding at it. He knew that he should not believe in the Harbinger’s words so easily, but the glint in the latter’s eyes held truth. You could be out there, hurting, scared, alone. You could be out there, bleeding out. You could be out there dyi-

His aura exploded once more at the thoughts spreading in his being. With a burst of unspeakable power, Alatus lifted his weapon and pierced the barrier once more, this time breaking it without failure. At the threat, Tartaglia backed away as he donned his mask.

In a similar fashion, Alatus, too donned his mask. “I will ask you once,” the Conqueror of Demons spoke with a deathly calm, “Where is she?”

~

He should have killed him then and there. But the call of the Overlord of the Vortex must not be ignored as it threatens Liyue. 

In the small opportunity of escape, Childe took it. But he was weak and injured as Alatus swiftly threw his spear to block his way and teleported right in front of him. In a show of power, the Conqueror of Demons lifted the mortal by the neck.

“I will ask you again, where is she?”

In fear, Childe told him everything and at his every word, Xiao listened carefully- never speaking once. But the anger within his heart, it boils- it rages. His amber eyes bored into Childe’s soul- thinking what he should do to this mortal. Oh how killing him would be so nice. However, when the Yaksha’s gaze landed on the regal form of the Exuvia, he merely threw the mortal in its way.

“Killing you would have been easier. However, the crimes you have presented against Liyue are not mine for me to judge.

I leave the Harbinger to you... Rex Lapis.”

Once out of the Golden House, the Overlord roared once more, shaking the lands of the nation. However, along with it, he heard the faintest of voices. I’m so sorry... I couldn’t hold him back anymore. 

Only then did the demons in his heart freely took control of him. Just like the stories of old, where the Yaksha walks, death follows. But they were no stories. In his way towards the ruins where you were held captive, every step he took brought carnage and even more death and blood to taint his hands. No Fatui will leave this place alive. The very being of destruction ended many lives. Each death, the demons were growing stronger.

All he wanted now was to kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill killkillkill killkill kill killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill

Then seeing you suspended in the ceiling and bound by chains. Blood was painted on your lifeless skin. Wounds were littered and bruises were blooming on your form. But most of all, your eyes. What were once full of life and hope- now empty and blank. His demons quieted down.

Broken. You were like a broken porcelain doll.

“N-name...” His voice cracked, not believing it all.

With haste, he quickly broke your binds and caught you in his arms. he was fast to check for your pulse and your breathing. And thank the Archons, you were breathing but barely. You were now walking the line between life and death. With all his might yet a gentle caress, he hugged you for dear life. “Name... It’s me...”

But still, your eyes still held no recognition and it shattered his heart to pieces. With further inspection, he sensed the presence within you. A corruption. A certain evil. 

“Name, stay with me please,” Xiao begged with desperation as he fought back tears. “It’s me who supposed to be the corrupted one between us, not you... I’m not allowing you to leave me, you hear me-”

With a ritual of the adeptal arts, he started purging and purifying the evil left by the god who fed from you. He is not letting you stay alone in your prison, not for a second longer. 

Xiao prays and he never prayed before. Even to his master. But just this once, He prays with desperation. You are the light in his darkness. You are the moon in his night. 

The ritual was a delicate process. For every word he spoke, he was rewarded by your screams of pain and the writhing of your fragile body. He wanted to stop, but he can’t. He had to physically restrain you from trying to escape from his embrace and from hurting yourself. And for every cry you released, Xiao merely shuts his eyes clos just for him not to see your pained eyes. Every now and then, Xiao speaks gentle apologies and words of encouragement for you. You were coming back. But still, the evil persists.

You writhed and scratched against him, until you were creating more wounds for blood to seep through. When it came to a point, you began pleading and begging for him to stop, that was when Xiao had shed a tear. So he continues the ritual, his prayers, and his apologies. They were arriving to a point where the ritual is reaching its conclusion but your screams only grew louder.

Please, just a little more...

Please, just stop...

Please...

The corruption disintegrated away from you in a forceful release of dark energy. He was breathing deeply, attempting to calm his loud heart. When he placed his gaze on you, you were breathing rapidly and your eyes were searching blindly and your hands were desperately holding onto him.

“X-Xiao...” You whispered, “Where am I? Where are you?”

With a sigh of relief, the Yaksha hugged you again closer and his forehead to yours, fearing you would go away again. The action made you lift your hands to his face, still searching blindly.

“I’m here, Name... I’m here.” At his voice, the dam in your eyes broke as you cried silently. Xiao was not adept in emotions, but for you, he will face them gladly. He lets you cry as he gives you soft whispers of assurance, safety, love, and promises. However, you were not crying because of what had happened to you. You were crying for him. After experiencing such corruption-

You sobbed some more- you were this close to him losing you and you could not bring yourself to imagine if your roles were reversed.

“P-please,” you said with a broken voice, “please don’t go to the place where I can’t follow...’

The words, at first puzzled him, but after a few moments, he realized and once more it broke his heart. Bringing you closer, Xiao let loose the tears he was holding back. With a gentleness unexpected of the Conqueror, he simply littered your face with kisses. “I promise if only you would do the same.”

With your smile that he loved dearly for so long you too spoke your promise, “I do.” They were simply two words, but the comfort they bring into the Yaksha’s heart was in volumes.

After that, you shared a few tender moments in each other’s arms. Simply relishing the feeling of their familiar warmth. A little later, Xiao spoke, “Would you like to eat some Almond Tofu once we get home?”

The question made you giggle at his innocence, so you agreed. Despite you needing physical medical attention. But Almond Tofu with him? Yes, you two definitely need some emotional healing.

A/N: fINALLY dONE lmao this was supposed to be short but angst really makes me want to write longer everytime haha~ anyway this request really made me ponder bout genshin stuff with all the corruption this and corruption that but then a question popped up like-

how did childe replicate the sigil of permission? since sigils are imbued with divine energy, i just thought how did this guy accumulate so much sigils to the point of freeing Osial- a god!!! soooo i just played with the idea for a bit then figured out maybe these pieces of paper get the divine energy from a divine source right? and the adepti are divine beings of liyue and another thing- you guys might have noticed the change of names in some scenes- i dont know but i think somehow different names represents different side of a person like- we have childe the cheerful harbinger then tartaglia the power hungry harbinger- there’s Alatus who’s calculating and cold, there’s the Conqueror of Demons who’s ruthless and unforgiving, then Xiao who is calm and humane- lastlyyyyy i might post this in ao3 ksks