#idk i really care about him but what if im a bad person or i mess this all up. i dont want to hurt him.
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#down so incredibly bad. he has eye crinkles when he smiles.... nah its the end#trying not to think about it but JDJJDJDJD the way he was waiting for me in his car and like so smiley when he came out. o im gonna !!!!!!!#GOD. im so obsessed. like hes just some guy yes. but also ???? idc NDNDNXNXNNXMXM#its gonna take years tho i can feel it NDJDNXNXNDNND#hhhhh but maybe less time than i think...? idk im so...... i got so shy. couldnt even look at him at points like JDJNXNDNXNZN#im probably sending like... the Most mixed messages but WHAT CAN I DO XJXJJZZMZZ#i get mixed messages from him too. god. it took us forever to be friends bc of this JDJDJXJDKZMZM#getting to More.... lmao good lord#personal#also god why did i have to see that post about consideration being like. a way u know someoje cares. like JDJJDNDN#him being like o i was gonna honk at you but i thought itd scare you. so he waved a bunch instead Ndndnnd#then when ppl kept hounding me about why inwasnt taking my jacket off (felt embarassed bc i looked cute JDJDJDJJDNDN plus it was COLD) n#saying like oh isnt it hot. and inwas like huh really. and he was like... well i wouldnt say its hot. you can feel like the air coming down.#um.... ya maybe these are small but HDJDJDJDNDNNDNDND hes so cute....... like he could have honked at me n scared me or joined in on#everyone sayin stuff to me but BDBNDNDNDND cute....
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i have been ghosting my friends for idk a month??? and they have been doing the same??? except for when we meet in a workplace cuz somehow our jobs decided to cross over :)
#feeling so bad about it but like i cant bring myself to interact with people right now but i am also constantly sad because i dont interact#with anyone out of work :/ but working makes me socially exhausted & tbh all i wanna do is be depressed with my books & my movies &my tunes#but i also crave affection like i realize i have zero social life and i sometimes schedule some hangout with my friends but it's almost#become like idk a task? something i look at through work eyes. like- i arrange our hangouts the way i arrange work meetings. it's so sad.#i know it is. but still- i cant help it. through all my life ive been missing having a lifelong friend who knows me like the back of their#hands and i know like the back of mine. never had it. cant cry over that. it's passed. i cant invent lifelong friendships that never existed#and i gotta make peace with that. plus- what am i complaining about if im just incapable of keeping any friend for longer than a month???#after the first month- maybe the first couple of months- it all gets boring and dont get me wrong i really love my friends but somehow they#lose interest in me and i lose interest in them and we become just people who know each other and occasionally hang out but like- i've never#had a friend who's there for me when things happen in my life. i've always had friends to tell things to afterwards. like- i know i cant#really pick up the phone and say “hey. im having a bad time. can we take a walk? talk on the phone? can you tell me about your day? can you#just be here for me?“ and i cant even idk just randomly pop up with a ”oh my god i hate him i hate him i hate him it's a whole montague vs#capulet but if romeo and juliet never existed kind of hatred!!“ i just cant vent right away. ive always thought that that's my problem.#and maybe it is. but still- how's come they can vent to me? im always there right away. i do love my people and i show up for them.#sometimes my depression makes it soooo difficult to hang out constantly but if there's one thing that cannot be said about mw is that i dont#care. cuz i do. and maybe that's the problem#and maybe it's just easier for me to care than let others care? idk? but then again- i did try to open up. i did try to let them care. i did#try everything by the book & off the book but still- idk it's always just an “im sorry” never an “i care so much to say more than im sorry”#and yeah it's my problem cuz i am not a constant person im not that steady in what i do. i still dont know if it's because i havent found#yet the people worth doing it or if i am just traumatized (my ex is knocking on this door lol) but- idk it makes me extremely sad!!!#and ive rambled on way too much but i jusg needed to let some things out of my mind cuz i cant understand whats wrong with me and why i#crave true friendships although im hella scared of and bored of and unwilling to nurturing one :)#cinnamon diary
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Constantly torn between writing a character to be just a nice guy and writing that character to be the most fucked up creature in existence
#the klock keeps ticking#like theres a line at some point where you cant make this all one guy but you just. really want to#like yeah lets say we got some fucked up guy who tries really hard to be nice and sweet despite the horrors#but you know what if i want him to get kinda bitchy too cuz how can i expect him not to be? hes been through some shit and hes only human#but how bitchy can i make him before he just kinda becomes an asshole#i guess though people are pretty complicated so sometimes its just kinda like that#i must once again hail rebecca gales as the character ever like girl shes sooooo#shes so genuinely sweet and caring and attentive and shes so bitter selfish and jealous#shes gotta make like the biggest effort to be nice and simultaneously the biggest effort to be mean#its just so refreshing to see idk someone who is generally a good person but shes really fucked up about it#like this doesnt come easy to her! everything in her wants to act like a petty child!#and she does! shes really fucking immature and she thinks shes above it all when shes the worst out of everyone!#and thats just such a nice thing to see just a very human character#and shes just like me for real aaaaaa god like guys this freaking character has helped me cope so bad#like shes not a monster shes just. a person having a bad day and not coping very good#yeah this post wasnt even about her but I made it about her now ive just been thinking about rebecca a lot lately OKAY#we cant all be perfect sometimes we just gotta be rebecca at least im brave enough to admit it#anyways i have pretty similar tangents about ryuki shin marianne shinjiro and junpei
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its so odd thinking back to my life a few years ago compared to now
#like. my life really sucked. its so weird to think about that. every second before i thought 'its not so bad' even when it was bad#and now i see shit it really was that bad. i really did have a reason to want to kill myself all the time#maybe i dont have to blame myself for the person i was before while i had was dealing with all that stuff. who could act normally in that#kind of situation. of course i did bad shit and feel bad about it but i was a kid. and now im treating her the way that i was always treate#back then. i was in survival mode the entire time and just never realized it#and its so strange to think about how my life sucked and i was scared and alone all the time from the perspective of myself now#im not without support anymore. im not walking on eggshells anymore. im not afraid of violence all the time anymore#i dont believe my family hates me anymore. im not ready to pack up and leave because i think theyd be better off without me anymore#before i got good at anything my hobby was thinking of all the ways i could die and who would care. i spent all my time doing this#my daydreams were only about how people would react if i died. i dont do this that often anymore. close to never. and its so odd to remembe#since i was 6 i used to think this way. and up until a year or two ago i hated every version of myself and blamed them for me#but how was that fair. my life doesnt suck anymore. people i was without came back to me and love me#i see my cousins all the time. when i text them they text back. they ask me if im okay. they know when im not eating even when theyre not#around. i dont walk on eggshells around my mom as much as i used to. her attention isnt as divided as it used to be.#my brother is more of a brother than a stranger or an enemy. the image of him now and our relationship compared to what it used to be is#crazy. i had so much reason to be sad back then. i dont know why im still sad now when i got out of that life.#even now the reasons i have to be sad have dissolved. i used to feel like i was going insane without anyone to say the things i want to to#but i can say them to my cousin now. i have places i belong. its so strange to think about. idk#aricouldyounot
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ok ive finished the dlc so now i can properly say my least favourite thing about dragon age awakening is that the women feel like an afterthought & don't fit in the group at all. & i want to care about them & their banter so much. but i really don't because the game is giving me fucking nothing
#dragonageposting#IM SO FUCKING UPSET ABOUT THIS. i was thinking abt it so hard last night.#(crying) please join my polycule why wont you fit in my polycule videogame why didnt you let the women fit in my polycule#it doesnt help that anders & oghren's banter w them is insufferable. especially oghren#sigrun is SUCH a sweetheart & i adore her i really do but her & velanna are just so... lacking compared to everyone else#& it's by design! & i fucking hate that it is!#did i fuck up something? did i miss quests that would've made them better? even then i don't know if it would fix the issue#with oghren you already know him beforehand hes got a whole plotline & everything in origins so its like. it fits within the plot#anders shows up at the centre of the main plotline. at the start too. he integrates himself as part of the group very easily bc of that#nathaniel also has very good reason to be there! you killed his father! he hates your guts but hes not a bad person! he has depth!#he is given the opportunity to fit in a group whose leader he comes in loathing#justice would be part of the 'you're making it hard for me to care abt this character' group if i didnt know abt him showing up in da2 prob#but even then his quest just. felt longer. he was given more to do than both velanna & sigrun#not only that but hes a spirit possessing a corpse which makes his deal very unique#i was elated to meet sigrun bc i love the legion of the dead but they just. didn't give her much.#& the whole thing w velanna wrt seranni is like;.. barely touched on. i was so disappointed the quest was so short#the women are just given nothing compared to the men & i fucking hate it i wanna care about them so bad. i want to care. so bad.#they didnt even allow me to have either of them do their joining like??? what?? it mightve been a glitched thing or w/e but??#i was just forced into the climax of the game without either of them doing their joining. and it fucking sucked#idk the later parts of awakening feel rushed. like they didnt plan to actually wrap it up & had to do it hastily.#the beginning was so interesting & i was genuinely having such a good time but by the end of it i was just tired#we barely got anything on the architect i was also hyped for him but then it was kind of nothing.
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okay i'll seriously stop now (just a maybe) anyways please get into milgram listen the songs watch the mvs and all! <3
but just to ramble a bit: fuuta really is. so similar to the viewers/es
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#⋯ ꒰ა milgram ໒꒱ *·˚#he's a twt user and kinda chronically online LMAOOO okay but to be serious. he doesn't really realize the#real world consequences of his actions until it's too late. and in the mv he so obviously shows regret and all#there's a scene where he's looking at his self from before doing the spraypaint again and tbh yeah dudes sadistic w that kinda thing#sadistic but in sort of a good way in a sense that he wants to deliver justice. but then things escalate too far as well#<- probably starts calling out people for the smallest things. not anymore about justice#or it still is about justice but even in the littlest of things... anyways yeah he likely starts it but then the others r the ones#who put more flame to the fire. i think he has problems w attention too so this kinda yk. makes him feel seen... or idk how to phrase it#bcs dude spends most of his time online right? the whole gaming thing might be an escape from reality in that he#likely doesn't have much friends if any at all (he also doesn't really get along w anyone in the prison. but i think he is a good person bc#he cares for haruka bcs hes younger). hmm. fuuta knows what's the deal with milgram#anyways yeah i think it is all just so interesting. he's definitely regretful and feels guilty and also... he's hinted at stuff#uhm. worrying. stuff. if yeah? idk how to phrase it but i think it is safest to really vote him innocent (also he deserves it imo)#he still needs to improve w some stuff but then again i dont think we should be Extremely Harsh#yk scruntinizing everything. voting him guilty again for a 'small' yk. not that what hes doing is negligible but i mean that he's#starting to improve (even if his... mental state is getting worse it seems) and it feels wrong and is exactly what he calls out#es/the viewers for if we vote him guilty for the smallest of mistakes/injustices even when he's yk. getting 'better'#sorry for terrible explanations here i hope it makes sense oml#i dont think fuuta meant anything bad fr. and then the drama audio w es like... agh wait im putting that aside for now bcs goddamn#i think there's smth to do w. Pressure. ofc. duh. LMFAO. maybe peer pressure to join in the cyberbullying#he likely didnt mean for it to escalate but maybe he started losing himself in it all w a sort of hero complex#ahhh trying to tie together stuff from the 1st trial and 2nd trial is complicated bcs the two have similar but different themes
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Honestly, the most annoying part of fandom now for me personally is just that... I really don't need to know every detail of the thing I'm a fan of- not to say I don't love learning interesting little things but this obsession with knowing absolutely everything is so draining to me, especially private things. I don't need to know the director of the movie I enjoyed cheated on his wife once 20 years ago. I don't need to know that two actors had a fling once upon a time. I don't need to read every old interview from the guy who created the game I love just because I happen to love the thing he created, if you personally feel compelled to find out every last detail of every person involved in creating something, that's great for you! But please don't expect everyone else to be like that, too.
#idk i think you lose part of the xharm when you do that#and I know!! bc i used to be like that#used to find out every little detail and then i just stopped one day and yk what?#its better this way#being a fan of someone and finding stuff out about them is fine#but im at the point where im more distinctly a fan of the work than the person#idk it just irks me when people try to bring stuff up like... its not my buisness and i dont care#Of course if its something like a person bei g accused of abuse or harrassment etc then yeah i dont want to support them#i.e why i'll never listen to r kelly again#but just little random shit? yeah i dont need to k ow about it i dont want to know about it#its likely to taint shit for me so why would i want to#its like when someone just had to come tell me the voice actor of a character i liked 'cheated on his wife'#okay that sucks I feel bad for his wife i really do#but thats a private relationship issue????#if she wants to blast him publicly than that'd be her right#im not involved tho#also funniest thing about that was the guy was actually in an open sort of marriage so like. who tf am i to judge whatever he and his wife#decided to live like ?????#like again if you told me he got convicted of punching a dog then id be like fuck that guy#but when its just random personal issues ????? why is this any of my business ???????#like I knew everything about kstew once upon a time and now i only know bits and pieces#from when i catch an interview here or there#and i go Oh good to see she seems happier these days#and i leave it at that#idk theres too much information now and i dont want to hear it lol
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me reading one salt sea: oh my god connor go away
connor: *fucking dies*
me: oh no im--that’s not what i meant
#ok hot take: connor didnt deserve to die and he also didnt deserve the weight of ''important character dying''#he isn't important To Me like genuinely i tried so hard to care about connor but i never did. possibly because he has no personality#beyond ''was in love with toby and still is''#and then he dies and toby's sad and im ike ok well.....moving on now#i feel very uncharitable about this but i cant help it sorryyyyyyyy#lol the ludaig really told toby ''he isn't worth your tears'' and im like SHE IS SO RIGHT THO HE REALLY ISN'T#ALSO DID CONNOR REALLY HAVE TO DIE TO MAKE WAY FOR TYBALT TIME AS IF HE WASN#'T THE MOST OBVIOUS CHOICE OF LOVE INTEREST THE ENTIRE GOD DAMN TIME HELLO?#I HAVE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS#it sucks actually like thanks i hate it#in the meantime toby and tybalt have kissed twice (i think? maybe 3 idk) both of which were initiated without toby consenting or whatever#which i think is because author ma'am wants tybalt to be a bad boy but he actually isn't?? and he's such a gentleman in every other regard#what the hell is up with that mcguire? it sucks! it sucks#like its fine its played off as hot or whatever and she's into it because she's in love with him and has been since book 2 but it sucks#and this is the hill im willing to die on
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ppl are being so fucking mean in the notes of this one wc post abt the new excerpt like. don’t get me wrong i think redacted is a deeply flawed character and i share everyone’s anger and frustration in his storyline being so badly written and lazily thought out and a perfect example of the misogyny in wc like that’s part of why i stopped reading the books bc they kind of fucking suck. but ppl in the notes are saying he’s a loser and should die over… resenting that he is the last person picked for the team? like is that not a universal experience. have we not all been through that. idk. like i know that’s not the most important aspect of this conversation and at the end of the day it’s a fictional character but also it’s like… lol
#purrs#ppl saying he should die over resenting his mom too when like. idk. i get it and i know talking abt these aspects is like unhelpfully#detracting from what the conversation is actually about but like. i think even if his reasons to hate his mom and feel distanced from her#are immature and selfish and he’s needlessly cruel (not to mention the personalities of well established (FEMALE!) characters are literally#being bent into unrecognition narratively to prove him right which i fucking hate) and i think it’s dumb that they didn’t go w his mom for t#this storyline when it was the obvious choice. but also like. the mom stuff is so real. the scene with him and his mom and sister (sorry im#vaguing bc i don’t want this in the search lol) just like wrenched my guts bc that’s what it’s like w me and my mom and my sister. i don’t c#care about the character i don’t even really like him that much and i skim his parts but i think the mom drama storyline is important and#the whole warped view of the world bc of your mom drama storyline is also important and i just don’t like seeing ppl bash him for those#aspects bc… a lot of people out there do that and have that and it doesn’t make them bad people. idk maybe im just defensive and butthurt or#whatever bc it’s making me think abt how maybe how i treat my mom / react to her emotionally neglecting me (and even PERCEIVE it as neglect)#is unfair and flawed and whatever but like. idk. i just think it’s unfair to want him to die for struggling w that and i think that aspect#of it is written in a very real way that i appreciate a lot in a vacuum / detached from the context of the character. and i wish ppl were#focusing their anger towards the erins for choosing him and warping the storyline more than they are taking issue with the actual like.#conflict and emotion in it because yeah i do think that redacted is justified in feeling how he feels in some ways. idk#it’s been pissing me off all night. like ppl are allowed to say die and kys and explode etc i do it all the time but also.. for that#specific thing it doesn’t feel fair. and it’s embarrassing to say that but im saying it. lol#delete later#like the reason he hates his mom isn’t because he hates women it’s because she abandoned him and couldn’t be a mother to him (for extremely#justifiable reasons but still) and even though it’s justifiable that is also like.. real. and it impacts you for life. lol! 🤸🏻♀️
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man i do not feel like doing my final project for my animal literature class and the reason why makes me feel like a bad person
#so i took this class thinking it was going to be a mix of like animal symbolism and animal rights#as well as how people end up doing animal xenofiction which do or dont play on animal tropes and where they come from#which is interesting to me#but there was only that last thing in like the first thing we read and in some lecture related homework#and pretty much everything else is about whether or not this portrayal of an animal is cruelty for not putting it on the same level#as a person#and ngl a lot of the stuff just sounds like a reach to me like one was like#''omg this man doesnt REALLY care. he FAILS at his analysis of his cat that saw him naked bc he thinks abt what the cat thinks abt clothes#but he doesnt consider how it would LOGICALLY feel he only cares abt HIMSELF''#and professor also kinda lowkey implied the college students were being derogatory in what we named the campus cat#(literally like a goofy food name bc apparently we dont respect it?)#anyways usually our finals are like ''pick anything we've discussed and narrow down into a thesis''#but she wants us to ONLY have our papers be about animal cruelty and if like idk the lion king is ethical or not#and i was like ''eh i can do pokemon maybe bc that has interesting things to say about animal and human relations sometimes''#but her response was like ''ok but how SHOULD we treat animals in that context tho. are they saying animals have to fight? thats weirdddd''#''are they like saying the creator wants animals to beat each other up are they saying animals inherently hate and fight each other and need#humans to survive? thats kinda weird????'' and im just like. ok the series literally does go into that and its a video game but ok#echoed voice#and i wanna do my final abt symbolism and such in shows that i like but she keeps nitpicking them#and its like she doesnt even want a NEGATIVE portrayal for us to explain why its bad at conveying its message#bc i was like ''hey livestock is used as a dehumanizing thing here and also says something abt how cruel meat factories can be how abt that'#and she was like ''um but if its used to be dehumanizing then theyre implying its bad to compare humans to animals and thats not fair to#to animals''#like i SORTA see where shes coming from but it feels more exhausting than anything
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#non spn#this might sound really stupid#or like a uwu aww this poor rich celebrity thing#but im like legitimately worried about liam#he's relapsed and he's obviously not okay and he doesn't seem to around people who care about him or have his best interests at heart#and to have logan paul of all fucking people actually be like uhhh you okay? bc of how much he's drinking is just idk#like he shouldn't have brought up zayn or his personal life and obv it was very wrong of him to do so#it's not his place and everyone should just leave zayn alone bc zayn went through something none of the other boys did#and i hope zayn is okay bc no one deserves to have their shit just aired out in a fucking podcast#but like fuck liam already wasn't doing okay and now im even more afraid of how he'll react given all the twitter hate he's getting#and like i love all the boys so much i imprinted on a bunch of teenage boys when i was 14 and no matter what they do i will always#have such a fondness for them and will always want them to be okay#and to see liam this way is so fucking sad and i truly want him to get the help he needs because he looks like he's spiraling#like idk why i just have such a bad feeling and im terrified im going to wake up one morning to a headline that he's in the hospital#or something#anyway parasocial relationships are bad and this is exhibit A as to why lol
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i cant tell if i like this guy or if im just enchanted by his incredibly large dyslexic adhd brain
#please help idk if this is just platonic awe or if i Like him#damn this is the same story as always😎it is not new😎how does one Ever tell the difference between feelings and Feelings😎🐺#froegis meep tag#he is so smart and naturally curious and i could listen to him talk for hours#he codes he does math problems for fun he plays destiny too much he’s incredibly sleep deprived he’s super adhd and dyslexic and omg#i just have a lot of admiration for him and i love his brain#but also thats not the only reason#what makes him so special is despite all of that and how logical he seems to be. he’s actually so so sweet and he is really emotionally apt#like he’s not a robot. he’s just a Guy who has fun coding and doing math and i adore that#because he also cares and isn’t just a Guy he’s a kind guy and is easy to talk to and he’s come so much out of his shell these past few year#years and it makes me so happy and im so proud of him#and now we get to play ow2 together for our school and im really happy about it because he’s the one person i know and am comfy with#gajdudhaugddub anyways anyways brain is racing and going places and although i know i am nowhere near mentally well enough for any kind of#relationship i still cant help from wondering if i just want to be friends So Bad or if this is a ‘i want to be in love with him So Bad’#u knwo..?#cause we are friends but my heart is like.. but what if.. we were Best Friends..#or.. wgat if.. we held hands and stuff😎
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literalyl insane if my dumb feelings don't go away I'll have to start a normal normal rant tag for him I think –_–
#mine#i feel so bad i havent talked to anyone except my group thats involved in my hyperfixation recently uwagh#i will try to take a break tomorrow. hyperfixation doubled with guy im kind of obsessed with creates literally no time for anything else#im still taking care of myself while being so fixated i cant move for several hours. good on me for that#anyways anyways i tried not to be deranged today. not even fathoming romance atm im just happy i get to be around him teehee#made me rly think about how hes been very chill with everything ive ever said to him even tho i am a little freak . which is uncommon#i am not daydreaming about it because itll break my fucking heart but im content for now i think :) i like hanging out with him#'im normal about him' proceeds to talk abt him on my yandere blog.#im not feeling yanderish i just dont have another place to talk abt this stuff so here it is! bon appetite#im not rly freaking out as much and im good at distancing myself from him. even tho idk if anything will happen im trying to#practice controlling my insane person feelings when around him ;-; im doing good i THINK i havent been as weird#my thoughts around him are all weird and distorted and not quite romantic (yet?) but i know that i just feel comfortable w him#im:) im happy im enjoying. watch him get a partner immediately after this and i go batshit bc that is my freakin luck#well it doesnt matter i had a good time while i could and thats what counts ig . had only a smidgen of hope anyways! but its ok#i am so jaded to romance i am going to accept whatever happens and hope its atleast funny . and he finds humor in it#n i would get to hear his horrid laugh. itd be nice. i like it its very contagious. his voice maxes my brain out in serotonin#he was messing around w me in [hyperfixation] and i really enjoyed the attention hwuwhidhekfn made me flustered#i was saying like Romantic CodedTM things to him and he was just giving indecisive responses but not elaborating . so who knows#im not fretting or anything like its fun its chill i feel relaxed !! very casual stuff am having a good time. he has beautiful eyes also.#hes so talented and knows what hes doing. and hes so freaking smart he knows so much stuff oh my god.#i keep having repeated dreams abt him its weird fjdjfjdk. normal things to say abt ur friend btw. normal#i think his fascination w [redacted] is so beautiful his memory is rly good too. im NORMAL i swear#i like to cause spectacles that are memorable and funny so he pays attention to me more. i like attention from everyone but his is esp. fun#i love my friends so much i tell them that i appreciate them everyday. i hope they know they are loved so much#i probably just love the side of himself he chooses to show n not his authentic true self bc online stuff oh well#tho i do feel if you spend an ungodly amnt of hrs straight with someone then you are bound to know them more intimately#i love doing absolutely nothing with my friends and make our own fun in boredom. reminds me of my childhood#maybe i am allowed to think abt him awkwardly patting me on the head. as a treat#this guy reminds me of a previous love interest too except he doesnt emotionally abuse me or himself and has a freaking soul#💿
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#personal#ok putting this in the tags cuz its just all over thw place but. few things abt my brother and stranger things#for starters im re/watching it with my brother this summer cause he LOVES it and doesnt rlly have access to online streaming#even though i think the show sucks shit now its. honestly sth i really appreciate because hes autistic and that show is HUGE to him#like he really really cares ab it#and this all isnt. like universal statements on what the show means to all autistic ppl i just Need to talk ab what it means to him#hes only seen s1 so far but its like. it makes me wanna CRY i didnt even think ab it until he started talking a lot ab it after he saw it#cause like. a story about a girl whos different and grew up closed off from others and feels separated from others and is bullied for it#but shes not a joke in the story shes POWERFUL and finds people who LOVE her.#so sth he does is he assigns people irl to characters in movies and shows he likes. so ever since seeing s1 hes said hes like el#and theres a person who puts a lot of effort into being gentle with him & making him feel loved and accepted & he says that person is mike#its like!!!! yeah being pessimistic ab the show onlineis easy#but idk how to explain how Huge it is to watch him grow up feeling set apart and crying because he feels like nobody wants to be his friend#and just to see him LOVE this show and LOVE watching el onscreen being celebrated for who she is as a person. like thats Huge for him#and its huge to SEE secondhand like jesus man#but yeah i just needed to put that somewhere. i love him very much#but yeag we're gonna start watching soon. this moderately shifts topical directions#but basically ive been thinking ab it a lot because the new season is out and i want to watch it w him before i leave#but im SO worried ab showing him s4 if this is bad im gonna feel SO bad ab showing it to him#and theres sth about what that says ab how the shows gone thats SO pathetic im yelling.#anyways. thats not a jab on my brother im just saying i hope the duffers DONT fuck this up cause goddamn#but yeag
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yeah ok having my pronouns respectfully feels pretty fuckin good
#the bin#ive been really fed up with everyone i know using exclusively she/her so i changed my nametag to say just say he/him insteds of he/she#i usually dont even wear my nametag bc it always getd wet and it just smudges but im supposed to so im just gonna redraw it everytime before#i leave for my next shift. it doesnt bother me from my coworkers bc like. they dont know. but everyone else in my life never used he him for#me. today was the first day i wore a he/him nametag and both my coworkers i was working with like. apologized to me if they offended me by#calling me girl and stuff and. idk. its just nice that they noticed and cared. i wasnt expecting anybody to notice at all really#and i told them that they can still use she/her f9r me but i prefer for people to use both. idk. i hate being seen as JUST a girl.#im a boy too. its not about what im not. its not about what pronouns make me unhappy. its about what i am and what does make me happy#i knew the one coworker wpuld be chill abt it bc she has a trans kid who shes supportive of but the other one i wasnt sure#i heard her make some comment abt they them pronous referring to a specific person but it was cleatly petsonal business so like#it seemed kinda transphobic but i dont have any of the context snd she seemed really chill before that so i figured it just sounded bad#out of context and i was right so thats reassuring.#i dont have gender dysphoria but it still fuckibg hurts when people refuse to respect who i am. i wanna tell people im a boy and a girl and#they respect and believe me when i say it. i do have some people in my life who do but they always default to girl me#and like. i know i look super feminine and i dress super feminine. plus i am still a girl. but the boy part of me is just as important#most of the time im actually presenting the boy side of myself. the boy inside me oikes to wear frilly clothes and the girl inside me wants#to become a shadow. but people look at me and ofc think girl.#idk. its beens hard to get the people i know to actually care and respect my gender and everything bc i havent like changed my name#and i dont present any differently and i still use she her in addition to he him. so they think the additons im asking them to respect arent#important. if some of the time its exactly the same as before then thats fine. but literally never ever referring to me as a boy and with#he him pronouns is bad. just bc she her and being a girl dont make me feel bad abt myslef doesnt mean you dont have to also acknowledge#the he him boy parts of me. like. dont a deserve that basic respect? idk.#i mostly changed my nametag to jsut make myslef feel a bit better. like at least something refers to me that way. something sees me as a boy#even if its just my nametag i wrote myself#but it was definitely worth it
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god you ever think of a celebrity you like and immediately go “oh god what heinous thing have they done… what heinous thing will they do…” but then you feel bad for assuming they must be awful but also you’re kinda justified because you’ve been let down so many times in the past but you wanna be optimistic cos there is good in everyone but also it sometimes feels like becoming famous just changes you on a fundamental level and you just spiral further and further down
#all this to say i REALLY hope snoop dogg is good#that dude seems so cool and he makes good music and just. the vibes man. the Vibes#everything about him says ‘yeah this guys alright’ but it could be a ruse#like????? do you understand what im saying?????#jack black fooled me. i thought that guy was so dope. but no… hes fucking not#i dont wanna be fooled like that again#and the obvious solution is to just. not. care? about celebrities?#and for the most part that works well for me#but theres a handful of them that im like ‘oh my god i really hope this ones not a bad seed id be so disappointed’#not because i care about them as a person but because of the entertainment factor#like the reason i adored jack black is because lets be honest that dudes funny#like. his taste in ‘charities’ aside hes a very talented comedian and voice actor like i WISH i was as funny as that guy#and also he has SO MUCH CONFIDENCE#and genuinely i think he helped me gain confidence as a fat person#hes not afraid to be himself no matter what society has to say#and i fucking admired that!!!!! i still kinda do even if he supports autism $peaks like a fuckin cuck#idk if im making sense. i hope my point is being made clear. but it might not be#oh well i fucking tried lmao
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