#idk i'm in a weird headspace

[valentinedreamz]

it's coming to be the two year anniversary of when i was with my ex girlfriend and i am having feelings. not good, not anything i'd wish to relive in great detail. looking back at my naive sixteen year old self, all she wanted was love. what she got was anything but. she will never forget what happened to her. she'll never forget the frantic call to 911, pleading with the operator to send someone. she'll never forget the words spat at her when all she wanted to do was help. she'll never forget the things she let happen in the name of "love" . she will never forget. i will never forget. i won't. i can't. we cannot forget, lest we let history repeat itself.

[cordeliawhohung]

i've got this weird push and pull going on in my brain about pet!au because there seems to be a lot of people who are really banking on simon and bonnie getting along eventually or expressing that they really want them to but this isn't supposed to be a good story this is supposed to be a horror story and i'm worried about entertaining too many "what if" ideas and putting that precedent out there and drowning out what i'm actually trying to write alsjdflskdjf

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

four walls playlist

[jabeur]

i'm logging off in a sec see you all tomorrow but something i've been surprised by lately is when people think (and tell me) nice things about me after they've literally seen me at my worst like i just can't comprehend that i'm sorry i don't get how people see me want to die and be ugly and annoying about it and say i'm.. fun or cool or full of life. yet i've been told this stuff lately. how. why

[nexus-nebulae]

as a Canonically Woman aloy fictive it's so weirdly affirming to know i was modeled and designed with peach fuzz??? like yeah women do have a little bit of fuzz on their cheeks it's barely visible in game but knowing the devs put the effort in to make my skin seem like real skin is?? nice for women

[antiyourwokehomophobia2]

You made this post: https://www. tumblr.com/antiyourwokehomophobia2/669606440473919488/when-it-comes-to-heartbreak-i-feel-like-lesbians <-back in 2021 and I saved it to come back to it because it’s so real and true <3 hope you’re doing well :)

What an optomistic time for me

[aprofessionalwithoutstandards]

some demo and/or pyro potrayals in fic really make me want to grab the writer by the shoulders, shake them and yell at them to for the love of god be normal about these mercs

TBH and while I have the mic a lot of Medic portrayals too. As I always say there's generally an overall trend of like, a lot of fanfic not being particularly Good and having kinda flat, boring, flanderized, or otherwise out-of-character characterization, which is to be expected. It's mostly written for fun by not necessarily experienced writers and I ultimately don't really care about any of that. But when the trait someone is flanderizing or the highlight of their angst fic or whatever is mental illness or disability or addition or race it can become really really shitty really really fast, in ways that like actually affect real people. The ways people choose to represent these stupid joke characters who mean nothing in their own right usually represents more than just what they think abt the characters, it also shows how they think abt similar people who actually exist in real life. And when your portrayal of a nonverbal person with delusions is "stupid child and/or animal who is unable to make any of their own adult decisions" and your portrayal of an alcoholic black guy is "stupid and lazy and aggressive and violent", especially when neither are particularly adherent to how they are actually portrayed (actually quite contradictory, imo) it kind of sucks a little, yknow

[littlelordalphinaud]

A Lonely Autists Ode to Final Fantasy XIV

This is probably going to be a horribly jumbled up post, and I'd apologise but I don't feel like apologising for stream of conscioussing my feelings.

So, until very recent years (We're talking the last 3 years), I have never really had friends. No one taught me how to be social, and my every misstep (and I assure you, there were many) was met with cruelty from my peers or the adults that were meant to care for me.

As such, from a young age, I got very good at 'making' my own friends. (This habit is actually what got me into writing!) Obviously the part of me that understands the world around me knew that they weren't real. But all I had were the friends I 'made', so I stuck with them.

Five years ago, now, my only real world friend that I had suggested that I try FFXIV. She said I'd love it. She said it would indulge the things I used to love about playing Fable (feeling like part of the world, silly outfits, getting to have an inordinately big hammer and swing it at my enemies with abandon) and I'd get to play alongside her.

Regrettably, my first impression of the game was less than stellar.

Don't get me wrong, I loved the world involved! I fell in love with the Scions (bar Alphinaud. Yes, yes, I am aware of the irony of this statement now!) and the story caught my attention. I didn't even mind the bits of ARR that everyone else complains about because I saw all of it as a chance to learn more about the world I was falling in love with.

I stopped playing because the ARR patches used to (idk if they still do) force you into replaying the Trials to progress. You HAD to do hard mode. And no one explained to me that Hard and Extreme were different things, so I got scared and stopped playing.

Two years later, I'd make a new character (my beloved Fru, who sits in my icon with her younger brother and sits squarely in my heart as an example to me of who I want to be) and try again. Everything I loved was still there, and the characters caught me in a grip even tighter than they had before. And the Scions became my Friends.

I didn't know it at the time, but they would be my last set of Friends. Because I met people, real people, who I'd grow to call friend (and brother, and husband, and son, and daughter, and kiddo, and any number of other titles)

But the Scions were my Friends.

Again, I stopped playing. Not because I didn't love the world. Not because I didn't love my Friends. But because none of my RL friends played, and I wanted to spend time with them, because I'd never had RL friends to spend time with before!

But FFXIV and the Scions stayed a part of me. I never uninstalled the game. I never cancelled my subscription (I prolly should have, tbh!) and every so often I'd log on and just run around Eorzea and 'talk' to my Friends.

Until a year later, I'd mention to @steelshard that I missed playing, but didn't want to play alone anymore. And the mad-man did what I never expected anyone to want to do for me, and he spent money to get the game so we could play together. (And so came Resh, the externalisation of a lot of my anxieties and my newly assured diagnosis as an Autist, and my complex feelings towards my mother, to match against Steels Ura, the type of woman I would kill to have in my life!)

I returned to Fru, Eorzea once more having a grip upon my Soul, and forged ahead from my place in the HW patches, marching through Stormblood with glee and teeth and love, walking through Shadowbringers and taking the time to sit with the pain and the knowledge that nothing is black and white, and racing through Endwalker with a hunger I've never experienced before until coming to a dead stop with an hour of wheeze sobbing and an Asthma attack as one by one the game took my Friends from me and forced me to face up to something that I hadn't seen before.

I wasn't alone.

I had my RL friends. And I still had my Friends. And they weren't antithetical to each other. I could have both! I could talk to Steel, or @instantbee or my husband, and tell them my thoughts and feelings and ask for advice. And when that felt like too much for me, I could go to Eorzea instead, and I could tell Y'shtola, or Alphinaud, or Urianger of my woes or my triumphs, or my twisted knotted ball of yarn thoughts, and seek support in the way I had my entire life. I could lie in bed and message my RL friends, or I could lie in bed and have three hour debates with G'raha.

And obviously, like I said at the beginning of the post, I know the Scions aren't real. But they're an extension of a coping mechanism that allowed me to survive through an early life that would have rather seen me die (and if you look beneath the steadily growing FFXIV sleeve, you'll see the evidence that it very nearly got its wish).

The Scions, the characters of Eorzea, they were my very last set of Friends. Because I don't need to make anymore. I have RL friends that understand me as I am now. But that secures the Scions a very special place in my life. They're the last of the Me that was alone. They're the last of the Me that was a frightened child, desperately seeking connection and solace from a world that would not give them that. They're the last of the Me that wanted to die. And by keeping them around, I am assuring that version of Me (because they're still here, just like every version of Me is still here) that I have not forgotten them. I have not forgotten how They struggled for this version of Me to come forth and live a happier life, a better life than any previous version of Me dared to dream about.

So I will keep my Friends close to my chest as we continue to explore Eorzea and Ethierys and Beyond together. Because the Scions and I are Friends. And We have survived so much together already.

[jeongyunhoed]

Thinking about what if Tokyo Revengers (live action or the anime) was done in the style of The Office/Parks and Recreation. 

We’d have Draken and Takemitchi staring into the camera. 

Chifuyu’s interview probably going to be like: “Baji-san’s somewhere else. Draken made him promise not to punch the camera...again in his interview” or something like that. 

Mitsuya, the ever-reliable Taka-chan, would probably be the one having to explain every single shenanigan that goes on because Draken would be so preoccupied trying to wrangle Mikey. 

[imwritesometimes]

I really do feel like my brain has just been completely smoothed out. almost 0 interest in anything anymore. don't wanna write. no blorbo thoughts beyond ones I do not really engage in fandom for. every time I try to get myself back into reading anything I'm just like blehhhhhhh no. feel like my whole life is work, work out, cook, clean, sims, phone games, sleep, repeat.

[malhare-archive]

Trying to process grief regarding someone who isn't actively, physically in your daily life sucks

[thunderbringer]

good morning! its barely 9 am and i’ve already been productive by picking up and putting away a very expensive grocery order!  haven’t bought groceries like that in a while but we needed it!  my mood still isn’t all that great though but i’m trying to push through it.  i hope you all have a fantastic day! <3 

[scary-monsters]

tryinggg to get ch 3 of diego horse girl fic done tonight but yeesh it's been so tough motivating myself when i'm sure it's being written for an audience of me and maybe three other people

every time i get a new comment on ao3 it's for my longass 200k childhood friends to lovers fic from my ushiten days and as much as i Appreciate it and it does make me feel really really good it's also like... man i want people to read my stuff now as well??

[the-scintillant-sys-sideblog]

hmm was scrolling through a blog that someone else (an old ex-host, probably) followed years ago for a fandom we used to be very into but never participated and got a strange feeling from the back of headspace/in front and it did not fully go away during most of work

did we accidentally awaken headmates from before we discovered our systemhood back via getting vaguely invested in it again?? headmates we would've had no clue about before or after because we kinda block out most of that old interest in that media just bc we got into it at a time where so much shit happened to us at once?? perhaps. perhaps .

[thegardengrows-infrozenrain]

shit i forgot to introduce myself

dunno if the others do that but i will lol

anyways uuuuhhh i'm oleander (when i'd woken up in here i didn't actually have a name, it's related to stuff from the last time i used the body (not good stuff :( ), miss molly actually named me) and i'm like... seventeen lmao

gender is masc, dunno completely abt my sexuality yet

[neonphoenix]

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