#idk if its a cope or genuine growth but

[eirian]

i think a lot about how much ive grown and changed as a person, not the least of which being how i went from a super heavy kinnie to someone who hardly kins at all

my journey with kinning was like...idk. it started with learning about what otherkin was, and i realized that damn i have a super strong connection with demons for some reason, and i genuinely wished i was an actual demon. this was in 2013 ish. that was my first time calling myself a kinnie

then my first experience with fictionkin specifically was with...unfortunately, prussia from hetalia lol. that was my first fictionkin. then shit got out of control from there bc then i proceeded to keep tacking on fictional characters onto my identity until they BECAME my identity.

i became a kinnie at a very interesting and formative part of my life--the mid-teen years. and honestly? i dont think it was the healthiest thing for my growth. b/c my identity sort of became...nonexistent for a while? i based my whole self around fictional characters. i didnt want to be myself because i didnt know who "myself" was. and unfortunately this lasted into my...well, mid-20s. im 26 now and it took me until i was ABOUT 24 to actually find my real core identity outside of fictional characters to the point of where i was proud and happy to know myself and call myself just...dan. thats me! im not dan plus fu, kidou, raditz, etc....im just dan. and thats enough!

so for me, being a kinnie was a result of not knowing who i was and using fictional characters to sort of fill in that hole in my identity. i wanted to be them b/c i didnt know who myself was, or maybe i didnt like who i was either and wanted to replace myself with them. i loved fu and lots of other ppl did, so i wanted to be him so i could be loved like that. i wanted to be funny like him. i wanted to be strong like raditz. i wanted to be smart and athletic like kidou. i wanted to be cool like dan phantom. i wanted to be anything but the real me and that hampered my growth as a person for a very, very long time

it took me a long while to reach the point im at right now--where im confident in my identity and dont need to use fictional characters as a crutch. and im not necessarily saying being fictionkin is inherently bad--it can be fun or even used to cope with situations such as trauma, i understand that--but when it came to me and my own situation, i excused it as being a "spiritual" thing and sort of clung to the idea that i was "soul-connected" to fictional characters who existed in another universe at the same time as me...which in retrospect was kind of a reach lol. but like. idk. it ended up not being spiritual at all even though i convinced myself it was. it was due to identity issues and, to an extent, actual real delusions--i genuinely thought that i HAD to uncover and piece together my "canon" lives to the point of obsession. it was super unhealthy for me and brought me so much unnecessary stress, everyone around me could see it too.

so uh. what am i tryna conclude here. i guess like. be careful? if youre a fictionkinnie, especially a young one, please take the time to do some introspection. is it just for fun? is it a lighthearted thing? or are you so intensely deep into it that its a huge part of your identity to the point of where you lost your actual self? to the point of having breakdowns over doubles? can you function in life without the kin part?

for the record, i still consider myself generally otherkin--i do still heavily identify with demons and have dreams of being a demon and all that good kin stuff. but its not who i am. i have a list of fictional characters i kin still--hidden and not advertised anymore--but its at the back of my mind now and is more of a casual "oh yeah im raditz haha" kind of thing if that makes sense? its not affecting my life as much as it did anymore and im happy about that

i hope nobody takes this personally lol. im just basically airing my thoughts about my own kin journey out and sharing my experience and thoughts abt the thing as a whole. end text post

[whatthefishh]

YOU KNOW WHAT. Since we mentioned it...

Enemies to lovers with Marc Spector would honestly cure all my troubles?

Like....hgnhgnhgngh. it'd def be a you fell first but he fell harder situation, where at the start its like all GOD i hate him and GOD i hate you too and yknow the casual classics!!! (maybe he's your next door neighbour...hmmmmmmmmmm)

until you start seeing sides of each other that make it REALLY HARD to keep hating and i mean its MARC how could you NOT fall in love and at first he'd act all smug abt it, all smirks and light comments to let you know he KNOWS you think about him and he thinks its all funny until he realises he likes you too and it scares the shit outta him because he just doesnt know how to deal with that and its the big "oh fuck" moment yknow!!! and maybe the relationship was going well but knowing Marc after the "oh shit" moment stuff would definitely go back to square one and being strangers. It's a big back and forth thing to learn how to properly trust and communicate yknow?

And it would just...and especially with Marc and all his troubles and trauma and flaws the process would be like two times longer and it'd be SUCH a slow burn its like cooking a damn rotisserie chicken because it takes him SO LONG to open up an even think about trusting you with even a small smile and in natural human nature all his coldness and harsh shit makes YOU think he just HATES you and that makes you hate him and its a whole process of how does he let you in and how do you decide if he genuinely hates you or if this is another bad coping mechanism? Does he really want to be your friend or is he just looking for a distraction? Do you WANT to be a distraction? And its just a whole!!! journey of recovery and beautiful absolute gorgeous connections and building meaningful relationships and learning to grow and heal and!!!!!!!

MY GOD I AM JUST GOING ON AND ON BUT AN ENEMIES TO LOVERS, SHE FELL FIRST BUT HE FELL HARDER, WITH MARC SPECTOR WOULD BE ONE OF THE MOST BREATHTAKING BEAUTIFUL THINGS EVER

can you tell i think about this plot line often. it makes me...feel so many things.

Next door neighbours is such a cute idea!!! Marc pulling back after he realizes his hearts in trouble oh dear oh poor boy

Girl I love how in depth you got into his thoughts and m/c thoughts!!! I love it so so much! The growth and learning each other and struggle to communicate 🥺🤍

I… I think you like Marc Spector? Idk wild take I know I know but I think you… love him? 🤭🤭

I absolutely love where your head is at with this idea though, honestly, and I love the emotions. I’m not saying that I’m writing exactly that bc I’m not but 👀 I really hope you do like what comes next??? Hehehehhehehe

And if you decide to write something of the sort, because I’m absolute fiend for enemies to lovers, please don’t hesitate to tag me 🥰

Ty for dropping by my inbox with this thought it’s making me giddy!!!!

[bandofchimeras]

realized no one I know really cares on a deep level about my life, like not in an emo way just like, most of my social contacts have been bad matches or based on necessity or weird timing bc I've been in constant crisis. everyone is busy doing their own thing. and that's why I gotta care about me instead of waiting around. so I shaved my eyebrows. gonna smoke a j ride my bike to get coffee and listen to a podcast while I pull weeds. life in transition is fine. between two tigers, the sage eats a strawberry that grows on the cliff. I don't need a purpose anymore. Im just gonna continue to vibe until the people that were meant to be and I cross paths.

[funkymbtifiction]

BHE

I agree with what you said about BHE; I feel like they focus too much on tritype and tbh I'm starting to get annoyed at their arrogance and relentless sex-related posts. I was surprised when you said that John could be a 2. Do you think they type people incorrectly? Sometimes the Enneagram feels weird in that the sources vary a ton and you have no idea who the correct one is. (Hello, 6 doubt!) Idk just feeling confused and unsure what source I should invest my time into.

When you focus too much on tritype, you hobble yourself from using the Enneagram for its genuine purpose -- which is self-growth and maturity within your number. When you have only one number to think about in terms of development (rather than 3, all of which are presumed to be "somewhat unhealthy") it's much easier to really get to know yourself through that number and start to mature it, by learning to question your instinctual responses (see them as optional or a habit, rather than compulsive, which gives you the power to choose to go along with them or to defy them -- that is when you truly have control over your own mind for the first time: choice).

You could spend six months, for example, wondering you are a 694 or a 693, or you could spend six months working to understand your 6-ness and learning to take a stand against your fears.

I would say yes, they can mistype people -- because anyone typing others from the outside rather than asking them about their core motivations, fears, and observing their coping mechanisms cannot possibly know you. Others can say that your emphasis on this SEEMS to be more like that type, but knowing your type needs to come from self-study, and 99% of people are capable of self-typing accurately. It just takes a little time and a willingness to look at your lesser attributes and fears.

IMO, you should read all the Enneagram books (Rohr, Stabile, Cron, Hudson, Chestnut, and yes, Lucovich) and then take the information you've come across and test it against people you know in real life. Theories can get out of whack by conjuring up weird ideas, but having one foot in reality and seeing how the types manifest within real people will help you get a better sense of the type structure. (Example: I know this person is a 2 and they seem to be sp/so, so how does that manifest in their behavior in contrast to this self-pres 2 description?)

Instead of going, "Why don't I fit this subtype description better, did I pick the wrong one?" ask, "What parts of this description aren't true for me, and why is my perspective more strongly my instinct than this abstract summation of a type?" Draw your own understanding of what your subtype looks like from YOU USING IT, rather than over-focusing on a summary written by someone who isn't you. Subtypes are a focus of energy and while they revolve around certain staples, it's going to manifest differently in each person of that type. So you need to form an understanding of what being, for example, an sp/so looks like in YOURSELF.

Don't pay anyone to tell you who you are. Do it yourself.

[maybe-its-micheal]

MICHEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL LORE OPINONS?

- This is probably Wilbur's most meaningful apology. I still want him to say the words "I'm sorry," but its so satisfying even without it. He put himself on the line to make things better

- I've missed c!crimeboys just hanging out. The bits while they were in the boat, all the jokes, it was glorious

- Wilbur finding out about exile. Was. So good. It was exactly what we needed. Sure there's a million different ways it could have gone, maybe some people are unsatisfied, I haven't looked at anyone else's takes yet, but I liked it a lot. It was well acted,, and I LOVED The way he IMEDIATELY went into big brother protective mode

- Also him talking about his memories and stuff, and the way Ghostbur's mind warped reality was really nice. Im just glad the truth is finally out there, and we also have some clarity on what exactly Wilbur remembered

- Wilbur and Tommy talking about Fundy in the beginning???? I loved that detail. It shouws three things, 1, exactly how shaken Wilbur was by it, 2, Tommy's perspective on dealing with emotions (repress them) which gives a lot of insight into how he was coping with exile, and 3, crimeboys still talk to and depend on eachother, or at least Wilbur still sees Tommy as a pillar of support (for better or for worse. I would argue that this was definitely for better)

- the ending. This is almost definitely unintentional, but at the very end in the community house Tommy was standing in the doorway as Wilbur explained everything. It reminded me of at Phil's house talking about apologies when Phil was like "isn't there someone you especoally need to apologize to?" The door opened and Tommy was there. Just how they were talking about how an apology shouldn't seek to be forgiven, but seek to help the person hurt, and thats exactly what happened this stream.

- Also Wilbur vividly imagining killing Dream forever upon finding out was awesome and deserved.

- really interested in the detail of the alarm though? cc!Wilbur put in the effort to include the sound during the flash, and then the line "so I didn't just imagine that?" When Tommy mentioned the alarm. Idk I feel like maybe there's something more to that? How would he have known about the alarm? And then the alarm not actually going off when they were there? Will Wilbur kill Dream???

- Proud of them both. Wilbur has been working really hard on his growth. Tommy still trusts Wilbur, and now he's free. He deserves a good, happy rest of his life and I hope he gets it.

- Also I want another stream where they talk about this. Let Tommy reflect on his way of dealing with emotions, and recognize that repression isn't healthy, but this genuinely helped. Let him talk to Wilbur about other stuff. I want to talk about Pogtopia

- But all that later. For today we celebrate. This is a happy and momentous occasion. We got LORE, AND CRIMEBOYS, AND SOMEONE ELSE FINALLY KNOWS ABOUT EXILE AND TOMMY'S CLOSURE F U C K Y E A H

[adel-memes]

Heyyy! For the ask game - can I go for a trio? XD Vio & Shadow & Blue :D

Hey!!!! Of course it's ok to go for a trio >:D

Also hello? Combining my favs into 1 group? Heck yes???? OKAY LISTEN.. I adore them so so much like the POTENTIAL?? HELLO???

Vio & Blue & Shadow could have this sweet sweet sweet rivalry/enemies to friends dynamic. Blue & Vio bump heads a lot. Blue & Shadow will clash a lot. Vio & Shadow will have their own bitter taste of betrayal. It got that Drama I adore and just the different takes of how they can get better and how they can help each other would be 💞💞💞💞

Like you could have that dynamic that's just Chaos Incarnate & Chaos Enabler & Adrenaline Junkie. Except Vio enables Shadow's chaos and Blue is just "Bad. Stop that." while helping them with whatever stupid thing they're doing. I could see Green just slowly looking over to him after whatever chaotic disaster they start like "You too?" and Blue is just "I Regret it but I'd do it again." (Do I HC Vio & Shadow start chaos no matter what they do or where they go? Yes.)

Also the sad takes omg the sadddd takes. Like listen, I already mentioned it in the Vio & Blue post but I will say it again. Vio using Blue as a coping mechanism for his grief + Blue slowly getting to know Shadow through second hand info and is like Maybe he isnt as bad + Shadow eventually coming back but still being an Unpleasant Person (because bad habits die hard and I want to see the gradual growth) just Blue going 'idk what Vi saw in you, its probabs guilt than genuine fondness' and etc etc like the Angst and Fluff and Slow Build and oh my goddddd it would be so worth it.

[doerunners]

Who are you two favourite cats in each clan you're in? And why?

NettleClan:

Pansykit -

I think this one should have been pretty easy to anticipate, but I absolutely adore Pansykit. I've been so closely involved in her since before she was born and watching her growth through kithood alone has been amazing. Words cannot stress enough how excited I am to watch her develop through apprenticeship and see her gentle, kind nature grow. I think the relationship she has with Tansykit is great because they both foil one another so well. Pansykit mirrors Tansykit's cold, isolationist nature while Tansykit mirrors Pansykit's caring, sweet nature. They work so well as a duo, especially so when the twin aspect is added onto them. I have so much love in my heart for Pansykit. She is so perfect and I will die for her. @leafwhisker

Flickerclaw -

Okay I'll be honest and say I haven't always been a Flickerclaw stan. It was really easy to see him as a character through the lense of Spark, and it was ironically as Spark began to let go of his anger at Raven and Maple that I began to appreciate Flicker's unique and interesting arc. Watching his fish-out-of-water narrative, seeing those emotions as Raven gravitated away from him and left him with a similar sense of loneliness that he left Aspen with? SO cool to see, and its awesome to watch how that experience allowed Flicker to realize the faults in his own actions and reach out to Spark (and hopefully lter Aspen) to apologize. I really love the way hes grown up and how he had to learn the hard way that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I can't wait to see more with him regarding Hawk and Daisy as well- that's going to be such a unique thing to see. @mintswhisker

JaggedClan:

Swallowstorm -

An answer that shocks no one- I fucking love Swallowstorm. I would jump in front of a moving train for her. I would give Swallowstorm my left kidney. I love Swallowstorm. I've always had a soft spot for nasty girl characters and Swallowstorm is the nastiest girl there is. I'm heartbroken that I joined Jagged so late just because it means I missed out on a lot of her earlier development, but seeing her through the lense of Doerunner has honestly made her character that much more charming. I think Swallow's obsession with power and control is a really unique and captivating thing- I can't really think of another character that approaches this in a way as awesome and dynamic as her. The way she would go as far as to hurt herself and others around her just to keep that reality in tact for herself, the way she isolates herself just to tell herself the lie that it has to be this way because nobody else will understand, as well as to justify the way the cats closest to her have abandoned her/betrayed her trust. Her ego is too big for her own good, and to watch her repeatedly reach her breaking point, fall deeper into that dark mindset, only to place the limits of that breaking point further is so fucking awesome. I could honestly go on for paragraphs about all the subtleties I love about Swallowstorm, shes just genuinely so well written and dynamic and three dimensional. I'll be selfish for a bit and go on about how fun its been to reach out to that cold, broken cat through Doerunner, who's also broken but just in such a fundamentally different way. Seeing this relationship between Doe and Swallow where Doe tries to find her worth in befriending cats where Swallow finds her worth in pushing them away? So fucking GOOOOD. Especially when Swallowstorm is the one cat in JaggedClan who saved Doerunner, who literally kept her from freezing to death in the snow. Idk. Idk. I'm soft.

Mousetail -

My MOM. I love miss Mouse, especially because I'm one of the people who was lucky enough to see her shift from NettleClan to JaggedClan. To watch her go from lonely, angry, and hostile to the loving, gentle, and happy cat she is in JaggedClan has been such an awesome development to watch. I like how her happiness didn't come without a price- her scene leaving Crowstar behind, the way she's confronted Lavenderstrike after the way her kits were targeted, her overall apprehensive nature regarding her new clanmates is really nice to watch, her acclimation as a JaggedClan cat is slow and methodical and I like that a lot. It feels realistic and allows for a lot more growth and potential in the future. I'm really excited for her kits to reach six moons because there's so many more confrontations to see that are going to be absolutely great. I can't wait for Duststorm and Swiftstrike to meet her again, for them to view how far she's come in six moons, for Crowstar to see the way her family has grown, for Mottlepelt and her to speak again- there's a lot for Mouse to face in the future and I cannot WAIT to see how it goes. @currentfangs

The Tribe:

Butterfly -

Miss Butterfly.... my darling to-be. In the same way I'm soft on nasty girls, I'm also soft on characters with severe family trauma and Butterfly has that by the fucking BOATLOAD. The way she's been written through it all has been such a treat to watch, her using that obsession with the truth and being a well behaved, perfect cat to cope??? PEAK writing. I can hardly believe shes over a year old now as a character. I love the way she started fearful and anxious of the world because of how much it hurt her to a cat who, while still having some anticipation and fear, has a bit more confidence, especially through her relationship with Firefly and Spark. I just wuv her so much and I can't wait to see her function as an adult cat in the tribe! I can't wait to see her bond with her peers, meet Spark's kits, develop more with Butterfly and Fading. Shes a perfect little darling girl and I'll die for her. (Leo its not letting me tag you so I'll just DM you lol)

Aspen Snow -

Last but not least, miss Aspen. She's one of the first characters I got to develop a meaning, worthwhile relationship with. I've watched her go to an angry, spunky kid to a complex, hurt adult. She's an interesting look into a character who just can't seem to catch a break and is a great mix of a character who doesn't know how to pull herself out of her hurt. I like how over the course of time, she developed into a cat who's too closed off about her emotions while Spark became a cat who's open with his emotions to a fault. They balance one another out when they're together, but apart they both spiral out of control in opposite directions. Her complicated relationships with all her siblings really symbolizes how her horrible early on experiences leaves her inable to bond with them now in a healthy way. Her relationship with her season makes it so her emotions, so bottled up, explode in drastically unhealthy ways when they reach their boiling point and those instances only serve to haunt Aspen Snow and lead her to believe she's a worse cat than she really is. I want to see a healing arc with her SO badly man

[jewpacabruhs]

bruv im still jus. wow. theres so much to say but. do u kno how good it feels... to be jewish, to accidentally fixate on one eric cartman & love him more than any other fictional character for almost seven years now, and then to see him in a little yarmulke, standing at kyle's side while he recites from the torah? do you know how validating that is?

i gotta get personal for a second here. idk how, but in the last few yrs my relationship with my own jewishness has been deeply influenced and intertwined with south park, as ironic and ridiculous as that sounds. i grew up secular, completely nonpracticing; as a child, i was only ethnically jewish, and saw jews as strictly an ethnicity, and a popularly hated one to boot. and it scared me. ive talked about it before, but as a child hearing about the shoah and about antisemitism, i couldn't understand. i thought it was looks for a while, which confused me, because ive got blonde hair and blue eyes and all my family that got caught up in nazi europe did/do too. i remember thinking as a second grader that i would've been spared for that reason; why didn't a good chunk of my family? but i grew up in a mormon neighborhood, with plenty of other blonde kids, and they stayed away from me like i had a disease. this was before puberty, before my hair got a little frizzier and my nose got a little bigger, when i looked just like any of them. but already, at age 8, i was an outsider. i wasn't one of them and i never would be, and they wanted me to know that.

and then i started to get it. it clicked even more once i got to high school and got called a kike every other day - but prior to high school, you know what i found, and you know what really pushed me towards understanding what being a secular jew in america meant? south park. and as a dumb little sixth grader with no critical thinking skills, you know what shaped my opinions on my own people? south park.

and that's good and bad. good because i do sincerely think kyle broflovski is excellent fictional representation for jewish people, maybe one of the top few ever shown on television. he gets on my nerves at times, but he's good through and through, he's well written and multi-dimensional, he's not a walking stereotype but he still has prominent jewish features that jewish viewers can look at and see in themselves, his morals and viewpoints and beliefs are obviously deeply influenced by judaism, hes deeply proud of his heritage and culture... and that all means a lot to me. and by the amount of jewish sp fans that adore kyle, it means a lot to them too.

the bad thing is, yeah, i can't deny it, during older seasons, cartman's treatment of kyle probably taught a lot of young and dumb viewers how to view jews in real life. have i, as a kyman shipper and cartman stan, justified that within a fictional and narrative context? yes. but it doesn't change the real-world effect; south park, but specifically cartman, since he's the mouthpiece, likely did cause some easily-influenced people to pick up antisemitic beliefs. did this contribute to the rise of the alt-right? debatable, but to some extent, possibly. was that m&t's intention and should south park be canceled and denounced? fuck no, i'll always love it lol, and fuck censorship. but it is something that should be taken into account.

matt and trey clearly regret that, and understand that it's no longer acceptable or fitting or needed in today's sociopolitical climate - or, okay, maybe they don't even regret it; they just understand that when fiction becomes reality, the fictional jackass isn't necessary when there's one right there in real life, sitting in the oval office, yeah? old cartman doesn't deserve or need a voice, not when real, awful people actually have one right now. and m&t are actively trying to change cartman for the better and really, really backpedal on his bigotry, while still doing it in a way that makes sense from a story-telling perspective. it's not a complete uncharacteristic change of character; it's shifting with the times and writing it into the character's arc so that it's a logical and plausible development in cartman's story.

cartman's behavior in the last few seasons is consistent character development. m&t themselves are pushing it, and clearly it's sincere; cartman's not faking. unless they're building up a surprise twist over the last, what, three to four seasons, that he was faking the whole time! woah! if so it better be a damn good pay off, because that's a lot of time invested. though that seems more forward-thinking than sp tends to be. they're intentionally stuck in the short-term, aren't they? plot-wise. but their character development is pretty long-term, and right now, cartman is consistently decent, and if it comes across as faking, it's because cartman's over-dramatic in how he speaks, and trey does that intentionally.

that's a tonal thing, and it's hard to say in a fictional character, but as someone who struggles with empathy myself, empathy and sincerity don't go hand in hand. you can lack empathy while still caring enough to sincerely and wholeheartedly apologize for something and mean that apology. not feeling remorse doesn't mean you can't apologize genuinely; the two don't go hand in hand. you can be mentally ill in any capacity, even a psychopath, and still deeply care about things or people, just not in the way someone else might. so you can headcanon that cartman's still a psycho/sociopath, though right now that's actually kinda going against canon, but don't rain on other's parades if they're happy he's exhibiting healthy growth. besides, and i repeat: what could cartman exploit out of faking sincerity for several seasons? nothing, so why bother? he wouldn't, unless it's literal in-show subconscious growth.

does that mean he's magically developed empathy? no. is it becoming less probable he's a legitimate sociopath/psychopath (while still possibly having better-disguised antisocial tendencies)? yes. does he seem to have better coping or anger management skills? somehow, yes! he seems to be legitimately healthier. does this mean he's no longer accountable for his past misdeeds, and even his present, less-severe ones? of course not! and you can still hate him all you want, but modern cartman is not the same as older cartman, and shouldn't be treated as such. because is this growth? absolutely.

he's clearly healthier, even happier. he's less angry, he's still a little shit but he no longer relies on bigotry or cruelty or anger to get the negative attention he thrives off, rather he gravitates towards being simply annoying. you know why he called ice? pettiness, immaturity, a little bit of spite, and a need for silly revenge. he's being intentionally petty, but going about it in a sly but no longer psychopathic way. less hannibal lector and more, idk, regina george, lol. extremely different on the antagonist scale. and cartman's been both.

and maybe it's personal bias on what type of human is worse within fiction, someone unstable and bizarre with violent tendencies (which is how he's come to be viewed in pop culture & some of the fandom, as a result of eps like scott tenorman must die), versus someone inclined towards pettiness and more silent and, i dunno, social-status-and-pride-driven types of revenge (cartman in general when he's not being particularly awful, tbh)... but i think it'd be pretty universally agreed that the latter is at the very least more tolerable, manageable, and even likeable - and certainly more redeemable. let's put it this way; if cartman continued on the path he was on, he'd be one of those tiki holding fucks, wearing a confederate flag hat, and he'd treat kyle soooo much worse. instead, m&t have turned him into a hypocritical false-woke ignorant dumbass - but that's strongly less problematique than it's counterpart, and it works.

because cartman simply serves a different narrative purpose now. and that's not sloppy writing; it's well-timed evolution of a character that stepped into a pre-9/11, pre-trump, pre-social media world! so much has changed, and south park is reflecting that in its characters, most notably in a character who was stuck in the, what, 1960s with his beliefs? that was fine way back when, but matt&trey are smart dudes - they understand that sometimes things have to change. besides, they love cartman, too. he's their favorite. but they understand that when real people act like him, it's not so comedic or satirical or funny, & they don't want to look at cartman, at their creation who they've invested twenty-two years in, and see the all-too-real hate of modern radical white america.

i think we know enough about matt&trey's social stances these days, and the empathy they've seemed to develop after having kids, to understand that they're no longer in their "apathy is best, everyone is stupid" phase. current south park is left-leaning and admittedly preachy at times, but i wouldn't want it any other way. g-d knows it's better this way than if they'd embraced and decided to appeal to their right-libertarian following instead. cartman's evolved in a progressive and positive way, and it's fucking dope, especially to us cartman stans who so badly want him to be good. and he is good right! he's doing so good!

and i know im up my own ass rn but yall know how much i myself have campaigned for jewish kyman/cartman and how much i just deeply and truly adore it, and to see it actualized in a canon episode to some extent? that meant the world to me. i couldn't believe my eyes. i was tellin lai - that's the most genuine, pure, almost violent happiness ive felt in my soul in years. that was like a straight shot of serotonin to the heart. that simple little scene made me so fucken happy yall dont even know. & theres a lot to be said about the political commentary and plenty of other people are analyzing that, but im a simple jewish kyman & cartman stan and boy ive been fed good fjskfkdkdkfk!!!

[fairycosmos]

was not tryna give a part 3 omg but i feel like my mom is just tired of me. i know she is. she barely comes home anymore n whenever i try to spend time with her she acts like it’s a task, like she’s being forced. & in ways she makes me feel bad for talking or anything but i just miss her. i miss everyone. my mom & i never had a good relationship but she’s what keeps me here & i just feel like i have nothing sometimes. my heart just hurts more than i can say. thank u for listening, ur an angel 🥺

hi bby :(( thank you for being so honest and open w me, it really is something to be proud of and is also proof that you are genuinely more capable of this than you think !! which seems like bullshit but it's not !! honestly the worst thing about treating your mental health is the amount of trial and error involved. you have to find that specifically works for you in exactly the right way. it's annoying, and you have every right to be frustrated. sometimes it can make you feel like giving up completely, because it's just so exhausting, and that's ok. as long as you understand the difference between having an urge and acting on it. the prospect of a new therapist is totally daunting but at the same time, you are allowed to set boundaries and take it at your own pace. if you do your best to explain how mentally tired you are, and that you want to take it slow, they will generally respect that. the thing about therapy is that you just don't know how it's going to go until you're there. sometimes you surprise yourself. sometimes it all just comes spilling out. sometimes you clam up. and all of it, all of it a natural part of the process. i mean this in the least patronising way, you are so strong for picking yourself up every time, for continuing to try. you may feel like your brain is totally fried right now but when push comes to shove, you are so much more than you realize.

as for school, jesus, that just be so nerve wracking and i don't blame you for being a bit scared at at all. the few weeks before you begin is always the worst part because your mind sort of runs wild with possibilities. but always try to remember that anxiety job is literally to take situations and warp them into something they're not based on fear and trepidation. in reality you have no idea what's going to happen and a middle ground, average result is always the most likely outcome anyway. take a breath. i get that logically knowing things doesn't help much with mental illness but it always helps to ground yourself. bottom line is, you will adapt and grow with the new environment even if you don't think you will. it's inevitable. you will find your routine and your mundanity again, and all of it will become second nature. even if there's a few awkward moments, even if you struggle a little at first. most people do. as long as you understand that there is always help available, always other options, and you are never trapped or totally stuck in a situation no matter how much your brain tries to convince you that you are. if your schoolwork gets on top of you, you CAN take a step back for the sake of your mental health, even if adults whine about it. if you don't know how to talk to people, learn by example and keep in mind that they're probably perceiving you better than you perceive yourself. like with therapy, let school integrate into your life at its own pace. half the battle is honestly just showing up. unfortunately all of this fear is where the growth happens. it's very normal to want to go back into hospital, to want to avoid reality, but there is no life waiting for you there. this is something i find very hard to come to terms with myself. you have to get up and touch the tangibility and live in it with everyone else. and you are, you're doing it as we speak, and that genuinely counts for so much dude. i can't stress that enough. these periods of loneliness and isolation are absolutely horrible and i don't really know the answer to them to be honest, but i do know that they are often periods of massive self growth, and they can end just as aprubtly as theuy begin. you are deserving of companionship and love, and just because it's hard to find doesn't mean it's not out there for you. in so many forms, over and over again, you will feel it. it's not as far fetched as your anxiety wants you to believe. where you're at right now isn't where you'll always be, and new beginnings are proof of that.

about your mum, god i'm so sorry she's been making you feel that way?? i can't tell you how much i relate and how much it hurt me when i was younger, and i promise you're absolutely not alone in feeling this way. so many people can and do understand, and that goes for all of this - the mental illness, the therapy stress, the fear and annoyance of starting anew. complexes caused by negative parental relationships are always so hard to heal from because they're so deeply rooted within, but i need you to try to understand that your worth does not lie in your mother and you can not force her to be mature, to to understand if she's so insistent on misunderstanding. it's one of the fuckin hardest lessons to learn and i don't know if the pain ever stops from it (though it definitely settles and becomes more manageable), but there is a point in every kids life where they just realize their parents are wrong. they're ignorant, or they're obtuse, or they're mean - and that is on them. it is a reflection of them and that is it, there's nothing else to it. of course you shouldn't have to deal with it at all, but it is not caused by you no matter how much it feels like it is, angel. your mental illness is harder for you to put up with than it is for her to witness and if she can't accept that, she's fucked. idk the details of your relationship with her, and maybe even if you sit her down and force her to listen, something will click. it's not an impossibility and i sure hope it happens, but if it doesn't i promise there are so so so sooo many other avenues of support out there. and your parents are truly not the beginning and end of the world. one day, sooner than you think, you are going to live a life divorced of her opinions, and even better, you won't feel such a craving to hear them. you will be in control of your own environment and mental well being and it will not be anything like what you're expecting. that's a guarantee, something you can always rely on. i know words are pointless, i know they're empty to you. and i know i can't make you see your situation the way i do, obviously. but i really hope you can take the time to find the ment clarity to examine why you're so averse to accepting the positive, what you can do to help yourself, and whether or not your anxieties are rooted in rationality of not. there's seriously so many ways to battle and to overcome the shit you're going through and it only feels so chaotic at the moment because you're in the midst of finding your feet. think back to when you first went into hospital, and how foreign everything felt, and how you got through it a day at a time. you didn't confront all that for nothing. you are so much more resilient than you realize and i wholeheartedly believe that. i'm assuming you're still very young, and so even the natural growth and development of your life is going to afford you so many answers and so much relief, though of course there will always be new questions and things to fight. but the bottom is you've got time, and if you have to take this one step at a time, or one hour at a time, or even a minute at a time - you can. you are okay. some days are rough but they do not negate your progress. so take a breath and try to identify what it is you need (e.g to talk to your parents, to be honest with the professionals in your life, to incorporate coping mechanisms into your daily routine so you feel less overwhelmed about school etc) and let that be good enough, because it is. i'm infinitely proud of you for being here and i know the hurt and the loneliness is a total tidal wave right now but it will it always be, and that's a certainty, unlike your fears. i really hope you find some peace of mind soon and that your mum heard you out. if you want to talk about this properly or if you need a friend i will be here. sending love and warmth to u dude. message me anytime.

[hamliet]

What is your opinion on ships seen as problematic? For example, incest, minor x major, large age difference, abuser x victim etc. PS. Girls can be addressed as 'dude' :p My friends (both guys and girls) call me dude all the time

Bahaha okay, dude! :D

… are you trying to get me in trouble *cries* I’m kidding. I think you’re genuine but like, shipping is terrifying business on this site. So this is a question without a straight answer and I’ll answer under a cut because all hell can break loose.

*looks at my list of ships* WELP

I mean, it’s no secret that a lot of my ships are considered problematic or at least attract large quantities of haters of varying levels of logic.  Kurokura, for example, which is my new obsession because the angst and character development it offers are just delicious. Yes I know Chrollo killed Kurapika’s family and Kurapika killed some members of Chrollo’s surrogate family but within the context of Hunter x Hunter where like TG, like everyone is a murderer, it offers a potentially amazing and powerful story (not that it has a remote chance of canonicity because it does not). The best stories and often my favorite ships are often “problematic” or controversial because they provoke growth in the characters involved, and to do that, that means they can’t be perfect and imperfect people hurt each other. Life is problematic itself.

So, yeah, it’s fiction, and all fiction is problematic. I am very very VERY against any sort of “anti” culture. That’s just unhealthy and censorship and disgusting. You don’t have to morally justify liking or not liking anything in fiction, and the need to morally justify things sets off my alarm bells because I was raised in a cult.

That being said, of course there are ships I don’t like because they trigger me. The thing is, what someone considers problematic is affected by culture, by experience, etc., and just because you think x/y is problematic doesn’t mean someone else’s experiences are the same, and you don’t know how someone copes. The notion of judging someone for their fictional ships icks me out, with very few exceptions, and those exceptions are mentioned below.

Life isn’t black and white. Fiction is fiction, which means it is both part of reality since it was created within reality, and not a part of reality at the same time. Therefore “it’s fine they don’t exist” both is true but also not true. Paradoxes are how life works, lol! 

So I’ll break down your ask:

Personally, what do you define as incest? I loathe immediate family ships, all of them (Luke/Leia? WHY). But cousins… usually I hate, but I ship Tsukiyama and Karren (admittedly before I knew they were cousins but whatever). You know that like 80% of marriages ever were between second cousins or closer? I understand that the world as a whole of moving away from this and hell yeah that’s a good thing, I’d love it if it stopped happening as I find the idea of dating any kind of relative icky icky icky. That being said in quite a few countries around the world even today, people intermarry, and it’s honestly full of very racist implications to say that most marriages ever were objectively morally wrong just because modern western culture says so. (Like, sorry to break this to you, but we’re all products of incest probably.) Sooooo, meh, I don’t like generally, but I’m not going to scream at someone that they’re evil because of it. Also, AUs wherein they aren’t actually related can be a thing! Remember wherein I said fiction is not exactly reality? It can be changed, whereas IRL relation cannot be changed.

What’s a minor x major? For example, Ayato is 18. Hinami is 17. I ship it. But ships with large age differences when one is coded at a different life stage do freak me out. I don’t like Hinami x Banjou AT ALL, for example, but it’s not inherently wrong for people to write AUs wherein Hinami is older and in a different life stage and falls in love with Banjou. In Disney, Snow White is like literally 14 and Ariel is like 16 and Idk how old their respective princes are (probably also teenagers) but contextually that’s normal for fairy tales, so I don’t care.

Age differences are not inherently wrong either; power dynamics can be a problem and I personally don’t usually like ships with giant age differences, but it’s not inherently wrong. But like a prepubescent child and a 30 year old? That is my “we have a problem here” red line. Fuck no. In that kind of case I would judge because that’s just raising all kinds of red flags because WTF is wrong with humanity. I have nothing to do with Loli or whatever the boy version of that is. That is my “I hate this and I judge” exception because. That strikes me as messed up and frankly wrong. But like, if someone is shipping a character canonically a kid in an AU wherein they have actually grown up and then fall in love with someone else, that might not be my thing but I’m not like, inherently disgusted.

Abuser x victim…  so I notice a lot of people misdefine abuse on this site and cheapen its very meaning. Like Touka abusing Kaneki–no, that’s not how it’s coded in the story, and you can’t interpret stories without context or you’re misreading the text deliberately. I see a lot of whining about Kylo “abused” Rey by reading her mind–yeah, but she did the same thing back to him, and they weren’t in a relationship. Not that it’s in any way excusable or wasn’t wrong because it was (she wasn’t wrong to use it back as self-defense though), but it’s a story about space battles with phallic swords, look at it contextually, it’s not intended to be abuse. Honestly as an abuse survivor myself I find a lot of “X IS ABUSIVE” screaming on this site BEYOND offensive, and people who do that are actually harming survivors by not listening to us.

That being said, there are some ships that make me uncomfortable because of an abuser dynamic. Killgrave x Jessica Jones, for example, or Graves x Credence from Fantastic Beasts. I hate both those ships, but someone could write an AU wherein abuse never even occurs. For example I also ship Fururize AU despite the very clear abuse of Rize, but I like imagining AUs wherein Furuta and Rize get the chance to overcome their flaws and find happiness, wherein intervention occurred earlier so they never disintegrated to that point. In canon? NO. I do not want any Fururize in canon, please no.

Basically, to each their own. You’re in charge of your own fandom experience. Blacklist things your NOTPs to avoid being upset about them.

[chuckaf]

what r ur thoughts on the last episode of chuck

i hate/love it! i know there are a lot of people who genuinely loathe the last two/three episodes, and i’m sure if the show had like, a nice happy ending i’d much prefer that, but pain and suffering aside i think it’s still a great ending and that the episodes themselves are really good? i think most people’s issue is that the characters deserved better, which they totally one hundred percent did and do, and i will never ever be Okay with watching sarah walker lose the very same five years of chuck that we all watched and fell in love with (it’s like we the audience have the memories she doesn’t how could they be that cruel??), and i cry a bunch every time i rewatch the finale then i automatically watch the pilot again because i can’t cope with that being the end, but there are still aspects of the episodes that i love? i love that everyone’s in that last arc and they’re all important, all the baes and Jeffster lmao. then the parallels between vs the Goodbye and the Pilot still destroy me every single time, from the obviousness of the beach but it all being flipped, to the mexican/german restaurant which is legit also called El Compadre i’m, to even like lil things like chuck’s warning shot kinda parallelling casey’s warning shot on the helipad in the pilot? oh and sarah fixing chuck’s tie ugh ugh. and aces, charles. i just love the, like, detail, within the last episode, and acting-wise everyone hit that thing right out of the park. they make me cry, ugly tears, every damn time. but i also think in the sense of the characters it was pretty beautiful, if extremely painful? i’m always overwhelmed at chuck’s willingness to let sarah walk away, both at the end of vs Sarah and when she leaves castle to ~go find herself in vs the Goodbye (though he does go find her if only at morgan’s insistence), but it just reminds me like god, he loves her so much, that when she doesn’t remember him he’ll just let her go?? he won’t force it? like damn that is powerful. and with sarah UGH i mean i think i said this a while back but i was also struck in the finale just how much sarah had changed in the show? it’s a slow subtle thing so you don’t really realize it other than seeing her fall in love and get married, but like, pilot sarah and pre-losing-her-memory-sarah are so so so so different, and that’s due to chuck and his love and his friends and her family, and only when you get the starkness of the wildcard enforcer trying to kill her own damn husband do you go, oh, she grew so much? she came so far? and tbh that’s why it hurts so much to literally see all of that growth being ripped and torn from her mind in the she tows the line montage in vs the Bullet Train (seriously, watching vs Sarah/ vs the Goodbye i can handle, watching Bullet Train i just cannot.) and then seeing sarah watch herself on her mission log, seeing one sarah who knows chuck and loves chuck and then seeing one sarah who’s had her world stolen from her along with her memories, ugh god that always gets me, because they’re the same woman but they’re so... distanced?? ugh, that really hurts, but it’s also so powerful.

anyway crap i’ve rambled a lot. but just, in summary, sorta, i don’t mind the last episode that much. for all i’ve mentioned in probably far too much detail above, really the best bit of the finale/finale arc to me is the rivers and roads scene. just chuck, sarah, laughing, crying, side by side on their beach, on their way to falling in love again, with that lil sense of hope that she might remember?? and that even if she doesn’t, she’s got chuck, she’s found chuck, she’s reached chuck across rivers and roads, and we all know we just know if she doesn’t remember him with that one magical kiss, then she gets the wonderful chance to fall in love with the same man twice, and who else gets that kinda thing, nobody gets that. for that pain and suffering of that whole damn last arc, that scene makes up for it, that scene shows what the whole show was about, what was at its core, and that gives us hope. that being said, it is still the most painful finale i think i’ve ever witnessed idk why i rewatch it as much as i do. (also, i would give a minor organ for a chuck movie just to be sure about chuck and sarah. those two are endgame, i know it, they’re soulmates, but like, could i also get some canon reassurance okay bye)

so, another summary, tl;dr, my first sentence: i hate/love it!emotions.

[musthaveloved]

hey fellow writer friends I need your opinions

ok so under the cut is some stuff from my ongoing sci-fi project (probably a tv series? idk yet) that I’m super excited to expand on and I’d be interested to know what you guys think / if you have any suggestions

basically the main question is “at a glance, would you watch this series / read this book?”

SYNOPSIS

The story’s set in a future where there are several human colonies across the universe, all of them with different attitudes to interspecies breeding with the inhabitants of their neighbouring planets.  The lead characters are a kind of rag-tag found-family bunch, most of whom are mixed-species or otherwise outcasts from their respective worlds-- the episode-by-episode plot arcs are kind of a Firefly setup, with them kicking about between galaxies causing trouble, taking shady jobs and being an adorable (if dysfunctional) lil family. 

The ongoing plot arc is to do with the differing prejudices and beliefs on each planet (both human-populated and otherwise) - one of the oldest colony planets, 100% populated by humans, has gone a bit sort of.... space republican and is stirring up tensions between “pure” humans and “neo-humans” (those with mixed-species heritage). Which, as you can imagine, ends up affecting our neo-human lead characters in multiple ways.

So as you can see it’s not at ALL politically charged. Heh. (I put a synopsis on twitter a while back and my inbox was immediately full of wankers.)

THE LEADS

DOM 

Partially descended from a species that communicates empathically / psychically-- something he likens to the idea of “reading an aura”. Uses his innate empathic ability to become a very good con man.  And annoy Birdie.

BIRDIE

Dom’s partner in crime-- the muscle, though she’s half his size. Used to work for a smuggling ring on one of the border planets, until she tried to con her own people and got her tongue cut out for her trouble. Now speaks entirely in sign language, and is always finding new and interesting ways to curse at people.

ADE

The only fully-human member of the crew. Assassin for hire-- pragmatic, rash, fiercely protective of their crew. Also genderfluid (something they use to their advantage when it is Disguise Time). 

REI

The tech support-- scarily good with machines of any calibre. Neohuman who is much, much older than she appears (and uses her childlike appearance 

CORA 

A synth (android) originally assigned as Rei’s medical unit and constant chaperone-- until Rei began modifying and expanding on her programming and the two formed a very different, much more personal bond. The two tend to view each other as sisters.

MORE IN-DEPTH STUFF

DOM’S EMPATHIC ABILITIES

To a human, Dom’s empathic abilities are comparably excellent-- he can read people with incredible finesse. To a member of To’Ai society - his mother’s side - however, he struggles to communicate because his brain is simply not wired the same way. He describes it this way to CORA:

“It’d be like you trying to converse with a two-year-old; as far as they’re concerned, I’m basically talking in three-word sentences. Max.”

Having spent a few years in his teens being raised (reluctantly) by his mother on  after his father’s death, Dom was forced to find other ways to communicate and picked up Ruka, a form of sign language originated by interplanetary traders that was rapidly becoming common knowledge among the more developed / multicultural worlds. It was this form of sign language that he taught Birdie when he initially took her under his wing.

Later in the story they accidentally end up in hostile To’Ai territory and Dom has to act as an ambassador between them and the crew. Thought that’d be some nice symmetry but I have yet to expand on it.

BIRDIE’S SIGN LANGUAGE

Shortly after Birdie lost her tongue, she was taken in by Dom, who nursed her back to health and taught her Ruka as a new means to communicate. In return, she taught him how to defend himself a little better. 

Over time, as they took more and more jobs together, they’ve developed certain signs that are entirely their own that help them to communicate better in extreme circumstances (ie when doing crime), and Birdie assigns “sign names” to all the crew based on endearing features, injokes and the like. (This is actually a thing in most Western forms of sign language, as it saves the need to fingerspell everyone’s name.) Her sign name for Dom, for example, is a colloquial Ruka sign meaning “idiot”, but with the inflection that indicates a sibling. 

REI’S HEALTH COMPLICATIONS

Rei’s mixed-species heritage is something of a mixed blessing. Her biological mothers, both involved with a genetic engineering lab in Shetuo, pioneered a controversial research project on the compatibility of human genes with those of other species - Rei was the fifth attempt, and the first to survive infancy. Her mothers genuinely loved her, encouraging her interest in technology and trying their best to give her a mostly functional upbringing.... but at the same time - with the help of CORA - keeping her practically imprisoned on their little home-base. 

They had valid reason for concern, too: there are several health complications that come with her particular genetic setup. One of her mothers is a Paniang, a species whose formative growth (ie baby to mid-teens) happens very rapidly and then plateaus, deteriorating just as rapidly at the end of their approx. 100-year lifespan. However, the combination of Paniang and human means that Rei reached the physical age of ten, with a mental age roughly twice that, in two years flat. The rapid aging caused a lot of physical stress, leaving her very weak for a very long time. Her skin is peppered with stretch marks, her bones are not especially strong, her immune system equally so, and her muscles often cause her pain.

Having spent several years under the care of CORA and her mothers, Rei eventually decided her health was not going to be an obstacle. Depending on where she’s going or how strenuous her activities are, she may need a filter mask (to keep her from catching something that could destroy her immune system) and/or a wheelchair.

ADE’S GENDERFLUIDITY

Being genderfluid or otherwise transgender, by this point in human history, is No Big Deal in 90% of the universe. Not only did humans themselves realise that gender is fluid more fluid than their ancestors thought, but they also adopted the lax gender attitudes of some of their neighbouring planets.

HOWEVER, this is not so much the attitude on Jynto, Ade’s home planet. It is the last remaining colony planet from the first wave of human colonisation and the closest to what used to be Earth. Many people there hold onto a sense of jingoism, and have strict criteria for what constitutes a “pure human”. Some have even begun to show intolerance towards humans who demonstrate qualities they associate with other species, or the much more lax and accepting attitudes of the multicultural planets - such as, for example, gender fluidity. 

Ade was born as Adeline Raike, daughter of Senator Raike, a major advocate for human separatism. As a teenager they began to rebel against their father’s political leanings, secretly taking a short-range shuttle to the nearby metropolis of Kumidima so they could attend protests and rallies against the governing body of Jynto. It was there that they met Sarai, a young student from Aeolus where the dominant species is humanoid but monogendered-- and it was them that helped Ade work through a lot of their own gender issues until they came to the conclusion they didn’t fully identify as female. 

Shortly after, their father discovered what they had been doing and had them excommunicated from the Raike family altogether, as he couldn’t risk the loss of respect among his government that having a neo-human sypmathiser for a daughter would bring. Ade was bundled off to a border planet with nothing but a meagre 50-credit chip as consolation-- and, unbeknownst to them, Senator Raike staged their death at a subsequent rally. Agents were already being sent in undercover to deliberately incite violence-- Ade was then alleged to have died in the brawl, amongst a few others. Raike did everything he could to spin the “tragic death” of his daughter to a) gain sympathy / limelight and b) paint the protesters in a worse light.

HUMAN SUBCULTURES

As many characters point out in the book, there isn’t really any “pure” form of human any more, as humans have begun to evolve apart from one another depending on the environment of their colony worlds. Some examples:

Erebos and Hemera-- the former is the moon of the latter, which keeps it in a near-constant eclipse. Over time, humans on the darker and colder Erebos have developed very pale skin and much wider pupils in order to be able to absorb more light, whereas humans on brighter and warmer Hemera tend to have very dark skin. Very few humans choose to live on Erebos due to the unforgiving conditions, 

Insuro has significantly lower gravity than Earth (and many of the terraformed colonies that imitate its atmosphere). The small community of humans that live here are a good few inches taller than average, usually quite thin and wiry-- they have a tendency to appear elven and etheral, in a way. They don’t travel offworld much-- when they do, specially engineered exoskeletons are usually required as they struggle to cope with the increased pressure on their bodies and would otherwise end up with serious injuries.

Deo Gansu is a mostly gaseous planet, and therefore wasn’t a good candidate for terraforming. It was colonised instead with a series of self-contained citadels, essentially “bubble cities” constructed to float on the planet’s surface.

OKAY WOW THAT WAS A LOT OF STUFF  IF YOU HAVE REACHED THIS PART OF THE POST AND NOT LOST INTEREST THEN LEMME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK

[florrescentadolescent]

11/16/17 anger &denial

From everything I’ve seen it looks like you’re moving on and doing great, so maybe you won’t care at all, but i want you to know I forgive you. I am still hurt but I miss hearing from you and I still worry about you. I’ve learned a lot from this and am grateful for those lessons. Maybe one day when we’ve both healed and moved forward from this we can keep in touch or be friends I don’t know what you’re looking for. If it’s comfort or helping you justify your actions by telling you it’s okay, I’m not in a mental space to provide that to you. I’m torn between being okay and still having a lot of questions and wondering where things went south. I don’t hate you, at no point in this did I feel hate toward you. I am upset with the choices you made and how deeply they affected me , but I also may have forgotten that you’re in a different place in your life and in your relationships and have a lot of growth to achieve still, and maybe I expected too much from you by trusting that you could be open with me. Regardless, I would like to offer you forgiveness. Additionally, If you have any desire, I would like to stay in touch in the future on a platonic basis. I still worry about you. I know I never have the right things to say, but if your depression, or anything else for that matter, is bothering you I am here to listen. I just ask that you be real with me. (( I don’t know how much of this was playing up your mental illness as an excuse and how much of it was real symptoms)) I'm not telling you this to make you feel worse , I just really hope you learn from this and learn to work through your issues so you never make this mistake again I just wish I knew at what point were things not working out, idk why it would matter now, I probably couldn’t have saved it then. But maybe it would give me an idea as to how real this was to you. I think at this point it just sucks cause I'm realizing you were never really mine and now you want nothing to do with me. I don't know if you care at all, but I'd like to tell you after having this time to reflect and process, I'm going to take the mindset that the majority of you is a good person, you just made a terrible ongoing mistake. I am still hurt in a lot of ways but I would at least like to let you know I forgive you. Maybe one day when we've both healed we could be friends. But until that point I hope you're doing okay and I wish the best for you. I have a pretty good idea as to what happened; you weren't getting the same satisfaction with me as you used to and your depression was acting up and making you feel less valuable. To combat this , and to get away from your own thoughts you felt that you needed validation and attention. You sook out attention from girls and eventually found one (or more, who knows ) that you liked and you needed to prove that you were able to still make girls fall for you and this would give you some sense of value. You sweet talked her and hung out with her and were ready to just jump into that relationship without a second thought. I know I can't compete with some shiny new exciting girl. I know you think you got all there was from me and you lost interest. I wish you loved me and respected enough to tell me what was going on at the time, because If what I'm predicting is correct I would have understood completely. a part of me thinks maybe we could have continued to work out because if you had told me, I really wouldn't have cared if you get attention from other women or if you sleep with other women as long as its strictly psychical. But maybe that wouldn't have worked out for you because I don't think you wanted anything to do with me anymore. And in all honesty I would not have been okay with you having an emotional and psychical relationship with someone new and continuing with me. If the case was that you were completely done with me and you were able to communicate that to me , I would be sad , but I could have accepted that and we could have ended things amicably and gone our separate ways. Instead you did the one thing I was terrified of you doing and went behind my back and pursued other girls and hungout with this girl hours before we hungout and slept with her and tried to be monogamous with her before you ever even told me anything was wrong between us. All while making the excuse you're distance was strictly due to your depression. I was so worried about you until I saw what happened Monday night. I am devastated. I have some irrational idea that maybe talking all of this our will make things okay. But then I remember how good and convincing you are at saying the right thing and doing something completely different. I believed you when you said you were just too depressed to talk/see me this week , but you were all smiles hanging out with her instead. I can't get that image out of my mind. I hate that I'll just be another girl on your list, another heart you broke. And you'll just move on to the next one. I really wonder if I hadn't found HER and informed her of your infidelity if you'd even be bothered by this. I just wish things were different, maybe I wish you were different. I wish you were actually the person I believed you to be. Because I don't want that person to suffer the way I'm suffering. You clearly have the mindset of jumping from one relationship to another to try to make yourself feel good with no consideration of the damage you bring onto everyone else involved. I still have love for the person I thought you were I don't want to see you suffer like you made me suffer. I understand that hurt people hurt people. I wish way before this you were able to open up and get help to actually address whatever is going on in your head. I can pretty much guarantee you will never be truly happy or at peace until you do that. I believed what you told me and I believed we were close enough that you would communicate your problems with me, but that wasn't the case. I feel so dumb for trusting you or having any shred of hope that this would have worked out long term or you actually loved me. I've seen now how manipulative you can be and how you play both sides. That is where I hold most of my anger; there's a part of you that's a complete stranger to me. You were single in your head and able to fake it with me for I don't even know how long. You tried to set up a new relationship before you ever informed me your feelings had changed. I think back to all the other sketchy things I found during the time we were dating and have to think she probably wasn't /isn't the only one. I feel so invalidated and I wonder if any part of our relationship was real to you. I knew you would get bored with me, I just thought you'd have the decency to tell me. Part of me is still extremely hurt and livid and wants nothing to do with you. Part of me wants to stay friends and help you through anything if you would let me - however I know I will lose it when you start dating someone new; which I'm sure won't be too long from now. I hate how unfair this is. I loved you. You look to other people to make you happy or to distract you from your own issues. Life doesn't work like that. You're never going be able to permanently fill that void with drugs like you tried in the past or with women like I believe you try to do now. Those butterflies and excitement or whatever will always fade away and you'll be left with the same problems you tried to push down and distract from. You will have to learn how to work through and cope with your issues before you'll ever really be happy. But it sounds like thats a lesson your not willing to address yet, I hope you'll consider it for the future. I agree with you that we are two different people; although I believe we have been since the beginning. I craved stability and honesty in a relationship. I wanted someone who was a friend and a partner. Someone who was ambitious and supportive who I could grow and build with. But also someone who could balance me out and go on adventures and be spontaneous and silly- and for those latter aspects you were beyond perfect. However I don’t think you wanted routine and stability, I think you enjoy the drama and chaos of nightlife and everything that comes with working at a bar. I think you see women as entertainment and temporary fixes to your problems, and you need constant company or your eyes start to wander. There’s nothing wrong with that in and of itself. And I guess there’s no way I could have predicted in the beginning that our lifestyles and ideal partners would have such vastly different needs. I wish by the time you realized this you communicated it to me so if there was any chance of making changes , the attempt could have at least been made and if it failed we could walk away knowing we both tried. A part of me still wants to believe this isn't real, that you are the genuine and kind person I thought you were. But I've seen now how manipulative you can be and how you play both sides. Maybe deep deep down some of that act is real. I am still extremely hurt and upset with you but With time I would like to be able to forgive you because holding on to anger only hurts ourselves. I saw those texts to her and it's like you're a completely different person. I think back to all the other sketchy things I found during the time we were dating and have to think she probably wasn't /isn't the only one. I'm hurt that you went behind my back when you didn't have to. I feel so invalidated and I wonder if any part of our relationship was real to you. I'd like to say I'm here if you need to talk, platonically of course, just for support. But I'm not ready to do that. I'm still too hurt. And I'm still hurt and betrayed that you're not the person you tried convincing me you were. Not that it would matter because you clearly didn't feel comfortable really opening up to me in the first place. I just wish I listened to my gut feeling because I knew you would get bored. I wish this hadn't ended as Badly as it did. I would like to say let's stay friends. The person you showed me is a special person and I'd to be able to stay in touch, however I know I will lose it when you start dating someone new; which I'm sure won't be too long from now. I hate how unfair this is. I loved you ****. I haven't been hurt this deeply before I wish you had done all of that reflecting weeks before all of this. You could have saved everyone from so much pain. You know **** I have pages on pages written about how much hurt you caused me but I don't think sharing that with you would do any good. Instead I hope you use this experience as an opportunity to learn something. You look to other people to make you happy or to distract you from your own issues. Life doesn't work like that. You're never going be able to permanently fill that void with drugs like you tried in the past or with women like I believe you try to do now. Those butterflies and excitement or whatever will always fade away and you'll be left with the same problems you tried to push down and distract from. You will have to learn how to work through and cope with your issues before you'll ever really be happy. But it sounds like thats a lesson your not willing to address yet, I hope you'll consider it for the future. I can't put into words how awful I feel. I am torn between agony , anger and denial. I still can't eat, I Havent slept since Sunday night, I almost had to call into work this morning because my face was too Swollen from crying for the past day and a half. I know you could care less about me. The only reason I'm telling you this is I still hold on to some shred of hope that maybe you're not the aweful person that all the evidence is reveling you to be , and maybe if you have any empathy you would learn from this and avoid hurting someone else in the future. I love the idea while I'm fucking sobbing over you you're out with some new girl, not wasting anytime in replacing me, not that I meant shit to you in the first place. You know, up until now I felt bad for you and was eating up all those lines you fed me about all of this being due to your depression that you weren't thinking and made a mistake . I thought Maybe you actually felt some remorse or you actually had some idea of the amount of pain you caused and were genuinely sorry. But I guess that's bullshit too since you turn your whole story around depending on who you're talking too. I am so grateful that the girl you decided to cheat on me with has been so open and honest with me. I have to say you have good taste, too bad you don't deserve either of us. I thought you would maybe learn a lesson from the hurt that you caused me; learn that you could have avoided all of this pain and loss if you were just honest. But no, you are continuing to lie to her and deny you have any idea what's happening so you're obviously familiar with this game. I wonder if you took me seriously, or if you even loved me at any point during this. Not that it matters now. I don't know you. You're not who I believed you were. I feel so betrayed and stupid for ever putting trust in you. I've spent most of the day outside of work and crying trying to process how I feel. Initially I was too hurt to put into words.Although after some light was revealed on who you really are and the additional actions you've been taking , I think I feel anger and regret for ever opening up to you. I am livid that you were able to go behind my back and try to set up a new relationship while we were still dating, I can't believe that you never communicated your feelings to me at any point during this. I am upset that you already moved on weeks before I was even informed. I have lost any respect I had for you. I don't know who you are, maybe I never did.

[fairycosmos]

hey whats good!! i see that ur very friendly and give such wholesome advice on here and mine is pretty basic and repetitive but whew. my mental illness has been preventing me from thinking positively about the friends that i have. like i'll get a text or a snap from a certain person and my brain will just be like "here are reasons why you should hate this person" for no reason and its like. so annoying ALSO you have any advice in finding friends to hang out w? ive been so lonely this summer

hey GOD you're so lovely aaaaa!! so sorry for the late reply to this but i'm a bit stuck because i,,, literally don't have any friends anymore?? so i'm not really sure how to advise you on that front bc meeting new people and stuff........ idk how to do it myself. feel like we're just in the same boat. bouts of loneliness are normal to an extent and can be utilised to result in self growth and reliance. don't worry too much, there's always a way to find a genuine connection again, even if it's not immediately apparent. i've heard taking classes (art, writing, sports, music, language, whatever you want) in your community is a good way to get in touch with a lot of people who have similar interests to you. which makes the initial conversations a lot less awkward. seems like sort of a weird/sudden idea but putting yourself out there n allowing vulnerability is vital. and always remain open to the idea of meeting friends of friends and interacting with bigger groups of people. it's rare to really click w someone instantly but it does happen and just cause it's not right now doesn't mean the experience isn't out there waiting for you! as far as the initial problem goes though....... gosh, i'm sorry you're dealing w it my love, i know how hard it is. i think you just have to always remember that your mentally ill brain is constantly spinning you a false narrative bc it WANTS you to isolate yourself so you're easier to control. it's a part of the self destructive pattern, not something you should trust. these random discouraging thoughts are a tactic your mind is using to give you an incentive to engage in unhealthy coping mechanisms :/ it's really hard to actually see it when it's happening but just working on going against those harmful urges and increasing your self awareness could do wonders! for example next time you think 'here are the reasons why you should hate this person' acknowledge the thought, but then try to ground yourself in reality and look at all the logical reasons as to why you actually appreciate their friendship and presence in your life. or if you get invited out, and that part of you tries to convince you to stay home, push yourself to socialize anyway even just for an hour or so. of course overcoming this sort of thing is sort of a grueling process and it's alright if you get confused or frustrated at times, that's to be expected. but there's no rush and searching for real friends is a lifelong process for everyone. as long as you know that carefully navigating interpersonal relationships, while difficult, is always worth it in the long run. bc friends are a priority and a great addition to our lives if they are genuine. look, essentially rewiring your belief system and letting love into your life is a lot easier said than done but it's not impossible bro. i promise that where you're at right now isn't where you'll always be and you are going to get through it one step at a time. also this is obvious but if you're currently not getting help for your mental illnesses and it's an option i'd really encourage you to do so. cause talking to a professional on a consistent basis could cause you to realise why you're so averse to your friends, which is the first step towards leaving the habit behind. so even if you just talk to your parents or someone you trust about possibly reaching out for additional support, that's still a step forward and you won't regret it. no matter how afraid you feel in the moment. ANYWAY i hope you're alright and that you know that you're deserving of love and companionship!! i swear. no matter what your brain tells you, people are lucky to know yy!! sending a lot of love to you, let me know if you want to talk more about it. i'll be here 💘