#idk maybe being exposed to this stuff is what made him so neat

[genderlessdude92]

GENTLE, PLEASE

PAIRING: Alastor x Wife!Reader SUMMARY: Y/N, like the nervous wreck she is, can’t stop spending her free time worrying over something that’s not even a big deal. Of course, one thing lead to another. (Thank you, Charlie, for letting them have the day off). WARNINGS: (SFW) Reader is female, Reader is hellborn, Reader is VERY anxious (alastor as well, but not too much), reader is sensitive obv, angel is angel, usage of y/n, established relationship cussing on both parts, Alastor owns readers soul. (NSFW) alastor’s pain kink shows a little bit, lingerie, reader is TIGHT, reader is also virgin but is registered adult!!!, mention of a safeword, p in v, slight orgasm denial, reader’s tears, soul-chain bondage, alastor knots. Mentions of pregnancy^^ idk if there’s angst in this that counts but both have a good ending so dw (LMK if i missed anything!!!!)

NOTICE: please don't copy or steal or translate any of my work or you will be haunted in your dreams and i will spawn something unpleasant at your porch the next day. But...thanks for liking my work !! >.< Property of @l4zyb0n35 and @genderlessdude92

Requests are open, support is highly appreciated!

〰ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭ ..。.:*･ﾟ♫₊ ♪ *♬‧₊enjoy!~

Alastor was a man of his word.

Y/N was sitting in her room, tired from her piece of vibrating plastic that brang her ‘pleasure’.

“You look gorgeous in your bliss, darling.”

Whenever Alastor rubbed her, ate her out, it made her feel real pleasure, though.

But, did he?

What was real pleasure?

“I’m too big for you, sweetheart, maybe another time.”

Another time.

Did he want another time?

“You’re almost like Charlie’s mother, Hah! We’d make great parents.”

The look he gave you.

Y/N felt so relieved after hearing Charlie was going up to heaven for a meeting just a moment ago, but now all of these stupid…that’s mean. All these overwhelming thoughts were plaguing her head.

She threw the piece of plastic across the room.

She had to give him something.

when was the last time you talked to him? when was the last time you crossed paths with your husband during work? when was the last time you cooked for him?

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

22:10 PM

She couldn’t sleep.

Was she good enough?

Ugh.

She put on a flimsy oversized shirt she usually wears to bed, some polka-dot pajama shorts, and white, knee-high socks.

She didn’t bother to change her underwear garments from the night before.

Y/N looked around before heading out of her hotel room, in case anybody saw her, to Alastor’s room.

Y/N was so happy when Alastor ‘accidentally’ mapped her room next to his on one of the secluded floors when the hotel was being rebuilt. How happy she was, indeed.

Knock knock knock

Silence. but only for a moment before she heard and felt the soft familiar static come closer to the other side of the door.

“Come in, mon cher.” He greeted as he opened the door, stepping aside. His room looked neat and clean, unlike Y/N’s. mostly because there wasn’t much stuff…and he had a whole bayou, making the room bigger.

She nervously walked over the the edge of his bed and sat down, breathing in the smell of his familiar cologne.

“Whats keeping you up so late? you’re usually a slumbering baby at this time of night!” He chortled, sitting down next to her on the plush bed of his.

Fuck.

He was wearing silk pajama pants and a robe, but the robe was just barely tied tightly, exposing a majority of his chest. His monocle was placed elsewhere and his hair was slightly disheveled.

Crap, you woke him up didn’t you.

“…I don’t know.” You dumbass, wrong answer! she scolded at herself.

Alastor chuckled again, “Just missed me?” he asked.

That reminded Y/N of back then. When it was simple and new between them. Before they went to this hotel, decades ago when the two met. She would always go over to his manor in the middle of the night after roaming the streets and feeling lonely.

Ah, yes. Now i have to work for the princess.

“…Yeah…missed you.” Y/N forced a smile alongside that little white lie.

He sighed, “…Alright, what’s going on?” He placed a place on her tensed shoulder, rubbing it soothingly, gently.

Cornered. Y/N didn’t have a choice, “Do you…Do always mean it when…fuck- when you s-say you-um- want to have a child with me?” She said without breaking her eye contact to the floor.

You didn’t have to say it like that, fucking hell

Alastor’s movements froze. “…a…um…” His smiled turned strained, “-a spawn?”

Y/N teared up. there was no way she was getting out of this one.

She whimpered, “…sorry.” before her hands shot up to her face, Alastor grabbed her wrist-

“I would love to. Y-You know I am a man of my word…” Alastor confessed with a chuckle, “-But…only if you are comfortable with it, mon amour.” Alastor went to her eyes level to try and meet her eyes.

Y/N froze. Her tears stopped.

…Holy fuck.

Y/N looked at him, to search for any disapproving emotion in his eyes.

None.

“…I-I want to.” Y/N confessed back, “…too.”

Alastor’s smile softened, he pulled Y/N with ease into him lap, “I’m glad,” and immediately kissed her.

The kiss was soft, sensual, gentle, even. Alastor’s hands began to roam under her shirt once she opened her mouth for him.

Alastor broke away from the kiss for a moment, a string of saliva connecting to their lips, “Y/N…?” he tugged on her shirt.

Oh god, what do i say?

“…Is there something wrong?” Y/N silently panicked.

Alastor widened his eyes for a moment but then softened his demeanor, “You shirt. Can i take it off?” He kissed her lips once more.

Fucking idiot. A brain dead patient would’ve known what that meant.

“…Yes.” She smiled nervously as he broke the the kiss.

Alastor nodded before bunching the hem of her shirt in his claws, “arms up, dear.”

As Y/N put her arms up, letting him gently take off her shirt, Alastor noticed how she was…wearing lingerie.

The lingerie that she wore the night before.

see what i did there

As Y/N put her arms down, she noticed how Alastor was staring at her under garments…

That she didn’t change from last night.

Y/N squeaked and ripped the bra off her body, tossing it away and into the bayou.

Now you’re bra-less.

Y/N slowly look up at Alastor, afraid he was going to scold her for not caring about her hygiene and stuff like that.

Alastor had always scolded her for skipping certain chores to, ‘take the weight off Alastor and Nifty’s shoulders’ whether it be showers, making the bed…laundry.

Dirty landry.

Alastor sighed, “I love you, Y/N,” He laughed softly, “-my clumsy doe.” He finished the sentence with a lustful growl, his claws tickled down her spine, arching her back.

“…I…I love you, t-“ almost immediately, Y/N was pinned down into the center of the bed, Alastor lips crashing onto hers like a starved man.

Fuck yeah, it was hot.

Alastor began to knead his claws at her breasts, squishing them so.

he grinder himself to her clothed core, making her throb for his touch, some contact. It almost felt like all those other times.

…but…it didn’t feel right.

Alastor, after needing a breath of air, noticed the tiniest hint of this, and grown worried,

“Are you alright, dearest?” He checked in.

She was unsure. Yeah, she was in the mood…but she just felt nervous, and he felt so confident.

“…anything i could do?” Alastor questioned once more, still hovering over her, his antlers slightly sizing down.

Think, Y/N, you were fine before, what was he doing before…

“…can you um…be gentle?” She winced, thinking that she sounded like some kind of needy loser. Oh, lord-

“-Why…o-of course, mon cœur.” he reassured, rubbed his thumbs over her small, plush breasts because kissing her once again.

Nothing could have compared more to how satisfied Alastor felt when she moaned.

It wasn’t a pornographic moan either, it was…natural. needing, almost.

Once Alastor slipped his tongue into her awaiting mouth, he began to unwrap his robe, tossing it to the ground and leaving his chest bare for her.

She gasped, “Oh, Al…” before she could wrap her arms around his neck, she felt him tug at her loose shorts,

“May I, darling?~”

Y/N nodded like a frantic woman, lifting her bottom up so he could take off her shorts, awaiting to find her panties completely soaked.

He pushed her bottom down with ease, “Dear, you seem to be completely moist,” Alastor commenting with the low vibration of static in his voice, making Y/N blush frantically. “Tell me, what turn you on so much? Perhaps…” Alastor swiped a finger through her panties, making her yelp. He then brang it back up to his mouth and licked itc moaning softly, “…was it my switch in demeanor?”

Y/N clenched as the sight. Alastor scooted back and lowered herself to her pussy, licking her slowly through the cloth guarding her. When he got to the location of her pearl, he pushed his tongue down onto it, receiving a moan from the receiver.

But his tongue wasn’t enough at the moment.

She wanted more.

“N-no…please, Alastor…I want you.” Y/N pleaded. she was impatient, she couldn’t just sit there and go through what was the usual.

She needed more.

He growled. “Anything for you, ma lumière.” Like an inpatient man, he tapped the bottom of her butt, signaling her to raise it. She did so, and almost immediately did he swiped her panties off of her, resulting in a gasp from Y/N.

Alastor crawled over so his pelvis was just on top of her. standing straight on his knees.

Alastor unbuttoned his silk pajama pants, his hard cock springing free right out of his boxers.

Nothing could have prepared Y/N from how big it looked.

Estimating, it was probably 7.5 inches minimum, and have mercy on her-

It was seriously…thick.

She looked up at Alastor worried. Alastor noticed this and softened his expression,

“You’ll be okay. I’ll go slow for you.”

Y/N nodded, but it certainly didn’t make her feel any better. She was still clenching her womanhood as well, just slightly at the thought of how bad this might hurt.

Alastor sighed. “The safeword is…stop.” Alastor told her. Hopefully that would make her feel safer.

…she opened for him.

When Alastor looked down to examine her, he saw how each second she opened, her juices would stick to her pussy’s lips in strings.

His dick physically throbbed more.

After hooking her legs up and around her waist, he lowered his body down more so that his cock was in lined with her vagina.

Slowly, he rubbed his length up down down through her folds, collecting as much natural lube as he could for her pleasure.

-But the sounds definitely weren’t helping, making Y/N face glow a darker tint of red than before. So, she just zoned out to the rumble of Al’s static.

What snapped her out of her zoning, although, was the burning of her hole, hissing in discomfort.

“Shhh…” Alastor hushed, “Just let me put the tip in, then i’ll stop.” Alastor, still, waited for confirmation.

Fucking pussy, Y/N thought, can’t even take the tip?!-

“o-okay.” She grasped onto his shoulder for an anchor in the pain. I can get through this.

Alastor still gave her a moment before shoving the full tip in, making her wince in pain, squeezing his shoulder.

Alastor hushed her again, “relax for me, darling…” he lowered his mouth to her left nipple, softly suckling on the nub, and effort to ease the pain. As Y/N released more moans, bringing one of her hands up to rub the lonely breast.

After a moment to let her settle around him, he pulled away from her nipple with a pop, bringing her hand back up to his shoulder.

“Just relax for me…” Alastor suggested before closely pushing some more length into her. “You,” he groaned, “You’re doing so good for me…”

How is she so tight?

Tears began to form in Y/N’s waterline. Alastor looked up at the sight and pondered what he could do. After a few moments, he stopped until he was just halfway into her, he leaned down once more to place his lips on her tears, her forehead, and then her lips, whispering affirmations in the middle of each kiss.

…was this too slow?

Y/N couldn’t believe her thoughts.

She pulled away from his lips to speak, “A-Al…put it in…i’m ready…” she requested with desperation in her tone, “i need all of you…”

Alastor looked up at him to spot a lie in the process, “Are you sure, my love-“

“Alastor, fuck me.”

That made Alastor moan, which then turned into a growl as Alastor subconsciously grew into a slightly bigger form of himself, snapping his hips with force into her.

Y/N cried out, but silenced Alastor before he could say anything, “S-Start moving, Al, please…” She took one of her hands off a shoulder to rub her nub, moaning softly as the newly added pleasure mixed with him slowly bottom out before snapping back into her.

He repeated this motion for a moment before slowly picking up her pace, making her moans short between thrusts.

“A-Alastor, ngh…” She called for him, grasping onto his shoulder once again. She tried to pull him down for a kiss.

“Use your words, m…mon cher.” he breathed and he kept his euphoric pace.

“K-Kiss me…” Y/N pleaded through her moans.

Alastor quickly leaned down to peck her lips before breaking the quick kiss,

“I’m gonna fill you…” He quickened his pace, his form becoming more menacing as his antlers grew, “with my seed.” He finished his sentence by smashing his lips onto hers.

As Y/N’s legs began to slip, he quickly used his tendrils to press them to her chest,

Positioning her into a breeding press.

“Ah…A-Alastor…I’m gonna-ah!” Alastor changed his pace to a brutal, electrifying one.

Y/N didn’t even care if he were to be gentle, she just wanted that sweet relief of relea-

“You don’t cum until i say so, darling.” a green shackle on Y/N’s left ankle appeared as a warning. “Understood? Those are our rules of the bedroom.”

He wasn’t wrong there. Those were the rules. He never wanted to feel under-powered in the bedroom at all, so that included orgasm denial.

And Y/N was completely fine with it.

But how quick and hard he’s hitting that far spot in her walls?

Just made her feel like there was no control.

“Alastor, please…” Y/N let tears she didn’t know we’re building up fell.

Alastor hushed her comfortingly, “Sweetheart-fuck-sweetheart, y-you’re almost there…” Alastor could feel himself knot inside of her,

…He wasn’t even sure that he was knotting until Y/N’s moans turned into groans.

He swiped some tears off her cheeks, “Mon cœr, you’re r-ready to cum?” he shot one of his tendrils down to her pussy, rubbing it at a rapid pace. Alastor leaned down to whisper into her ear, the static in his voice now on mute, “cum for me, then.”

That’s when the coil snapped.

The same time when Alastor spilt him seed deep into her womb.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

23:04 PM

Y/N was exhausted.

“Darling, i need you to sit up for a moment.” Alastor demanded.

Y/N groaned like a toddler.

“…fine.” Alastor put down the glass of water onto the nightstand, taking one knee and placing it sorely onto the bed to get closer to her, his shadow helping to lift her butt up as he wiped extra semen off of her.

after a moment of him disappearing into the bathroom, he came back looking neat and ready for bed.

…with a genuine smile on his face as his eyes met your tired ones.

Alastor went to the other side on the bed, sighing as he felt the soft surface under him.

He scooted closer to Y/N to get her under the blankets, dramatic, he thought as Y/N made a whine of protest again from the movement.

Once everything felt to his liking, he laid down next to her. and pulled her close, nuzzling his cheek into her hair.

“…Hey…Al?”

“mhm?”

“…I love you…”

He softened his smile, chuckling light-heartedly,

“…I love you two, as well.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

BONUS ☆♪

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“Hey, sweet cheeks,” Angel called from the other side of the lobby, walking over to Y/N, “Still up for that event thingy at the new bar? Heard that the sharks are blackl-“

Angel stared at the sight before him.

Y/N, laying on the couch with her legs slightly spread and a heating pad on the thighs.

“…Don’t-“

“Is it just me, or do i see you…a supposed to be virgin friend of mine…sore from a…” He examines the current position for a moment, walking around the couch to stand in front of her, “…breeding press position.”

Y/N stares at him like he’s her next target on a murder spree.

And which, he probably was.

“What? I’m and expert with this kind of stuff,” He pulls out his phone and sits next to you, “forget that I work for Valentino? Damn, how good was that sex?”

“Angel, if you want to keep the ability of having sex, be quiet.”

¸¸♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫¸¸¸♬·¯·♩

END NOTES: I felt rlly devious making this fic 😍 But all jokes aside, i rlly need some writing tips since this is literally my first fic ever 😭

-Lynn

¸¸♬·¯·♩¸¸♪·¯·♫¸¸¸♬·¯·♩

Masterlist link

[ioannemos]

wow, fun asks. here: 2, 4, 10, 20, 29, 35, 42, 44, 47, 49, 58, 62, 64, 65

wow, lots of questions haha 😁

talk about a notable time a narrative or character has looked you dead in the eyes and said “fuck your plan, here’s what we’re actually doing.”

the only thing that comes to mind atm is actually the reverse of this. a character told me "i'm not doing that," i said "yes you are," and the character said "no i'm not and your story is DEAD now." it's been about a million years since i worked on it so i don't even remember what it was. the fandom was star wars, i remember that much...

what is the plot bunny you’ve been carrying for the longest? optional bonus question: do you ever wonder why you haven’t written it yet and experience deep existential dread?

i'm not sure, tbh. my foodless bubble city concept has finally been put to use in a fanfic, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe my reverse aladdin plot bunny? had that one for a while. no existential dread bc, like, it's neat, but i'm having fun with other stuff

at what point in the process do you come up with titles, and how easy or hard is that for you?

there must be a title or the story is not written down. period. even if the title is boring or lame or doesn't quite make sense, it Must have a title or it stays in my head

my standards are not high, tho. i'll name it a word in the story's epigraph, a suitable verb/adjective/noun, a phrase from the song that inspired it, etc.

what is your favorite trope to write?

is hurt/comfort a trope?

give us a spoiler for one of your stories.

rodney never recovers

[bc i will wonder later: silence like darkness]

tell us about a character who’s very different than you who you love a whole lot.

jason. thinks books are boring. watches anime. could probably bench press a pick-up truck. works out for fun. enjoys cheap beer and spicy food. could kill you several different ways without even bringing in weaponry other than his body and training but would rather challenge you to dumb stunts like 'who can balance on a chair's two back legs the longest' or. well basically anything in my 'boys will be boys' tag

he is. such a jock. short king. borderline himbo. i love him

describe the aesthetic of a story in 5 words.

exposed, wind, reaching, cowboys, post-apocalypse

[bc i will wonder later: manifest]

any writing advice you want to share?

write what you want, fam. don't worry about being unique or cliche or whether people will like it, or even whether you'll finish it. write for yourself first

what story are you most proud of?

hmm. madonna in orange

do you want to be published some day?

hoo boy. uh. maybe??? idk. it sounds like a lot of work and a lot of time and you have to finish the story... not a realistic dream

what is the last thing that a fic made you google when you were writing it?

don't remember but it was probably how to spell a word, does this word mean what i think it means, or looking up psychosis (again)

what’s the weirdest reason you’ve ever shipped something?

the weirdest one off the top of my head is also probably my weirdest ship, obi-wan/shmi. i started shipping them when i realized they were relatively close in age, had to raise anakin, and never met in canon. it started as, idk, kind of a joke? but now i'm kinda into it

what is your favourite title for a fic you’ve read?

went looking through my bookmarks and ah yes, Nothing Says "Feel Better Soon" Like Grand Theft Larceny (white collar fic)

what is your favourite title for a fic you’ve written?

i am weirdly attached to no such thing as an innocent bystander but i also like manifest, wandering stars, how to be forgiven, the house at the end of the world, laqueus, madonna in orange...

[pennyserenade]

the fact that pedro’s dad wouldn’t let him watch the breakfast club but did let him watch the big chill is actually insane bc this movie so far has been mostly about drugs and fucking. everyone possesses the intent to fuck or the desire to speak about it, and getting stoned is team bonding

[alister312]

D&D 5e Mysterion-Inspired Build (lvl5)

Say your friend is running a one-shot with lvl5 PCs or a short campaign where you’ll be playing a stagnantly lvl5 character. You could do some cool world-breaking shit... OR you could do what I did and play as Mysterion!

Curious? Check out what I did and why below the cut!

First off-- I’m specifying that this build be kept only at lvl5, simply because there’s other classes/subclasses that make more sense for a Kenny/Mysterion build at higher levels... specifically thinking about Undying Warlocks who get Defy Death at lvl6. If you’ve got a longer campaign or higher level one-shot going on, I suggest looking into that. Let’s get into what a lvl5 Mysterion looks like though!

For lvl1, I went with Sorcerer! A bit of an odd choice, I’m sure you might think. HOWEVER! Mysterion’s one “real” power is his ability to cheat death and I wanted to have that reflected throughout this build. Plus, the reason Mysterion/Kenny can’t die is because his parents exposed him to a ritual while Carol was pregnant (or when Kenny was a baby? idk) and sorcerer magic tends to come from exposure. I opted for Shadow Magic as my Sorcerous Origin because that gave me Strength of the Grave, which makes you hard to kill. You don’t come back to life like you do with Defy Death from Undying Warlock, but instead can make a Charisma saving throw to be reduced to 1HP instead of 0HP. Close enough.

For some of the miscellaneous Sorcerer stuff... the skills I took were Intimidation and Persuasion. I’m not super into those as skills for Mysterion but it made more sense than of the other possible options. He’s not the type to lie so not Deception, he doesn’t understand magic (literally the whole point of the Coon and Friends trilogy was him trying to learn about it and failing) so Arcana and Religion are no good either, and I got Insight from my background choice (explained later). This isn’t a build that should really use any magic in my opinion, but I got spells anyways. For cantrips, I took Mending, Message, Shocking Grasp, and True Strike. The Shocking Grasp is more Professor Chaos inspired... maybe he lent Mysterion his gloves or Mysterion just took them... but again, I used literally no magic and I don’t expect you will either if you play this build. For first level spells, I took False Life and Shield to help with the “Mysterion is hard to kill” vibe.

Now, for lvl2-5, I took all of those in Rogue. I like to think that a lot of Mysterion’s fighting is about being quick and evasive (in contrast to, say, the brute strength of The Coon), plus it fits the vigilante vibe well. Also... there’s a Roguish Archetype that is LITERALLY themed around dying and coming back to life. It’s called Revived and it’s an Unearthed Arcana. One of the things you get at lvl3 in this subclass is Tokens of Past Lives, which allows you to get a new skill proficiency that you can change around after a long rest. Kenny has always struck me as a bit of a jack of all trades, so I like the ability to swap in a new proficiency whenever. The other things you get are Revived Nature and Bolts from the Grave, which are very neat but I didn’t really use either. I also don’t know how to connect them to Mysterion, except maybe the poison resistance is, again, Mysterion being hard to kill. My DM did also nerf Bolts from the Grave a bit, so that it wasn’t EVERY time I used an Uncanny Action but instead only if I used the Uncanny Action to disengage... but I think if I went back I’d ask for the nerf to be when I used it to dash instead. Maybe something about Mysterion’s anger when running after a bad guy manifesting into negative energy? For lvl4 I boosted my Strength score because it wasn’t as high as I wanted it to be but if you WERE to take a feat... I think Athlete, Durable, and Human Determination are all pretty good choices!

I’m aware that I could’ve chosen Revanant for my race/ancestry, which would literally allow me to come back to life 24 hours after dying but I decided to make Kenny a variant human instead, which meant that I got to take a feat! I chose Fighting Initiate and the Fighting Style I took was Unarmed Fighting, since Mysterion really only does fisticuffs, but I didn’t want to dip into Monk. Also, since I never planned to make him wield any weapons or a shield, I got to have his fists deal 1d8 damage which was insane. I know that I took lvl1 in Sorcerer, which meant I wasn’t proficient with any martial weapons, but the DM allowed it and I imagine most will unless they’re boring rules lawyers. The extra language I chose outside of Common was Deep Speech, mostly because of its connection to Cthulu, who Mysterion sort of got his powers from. The extra skill proficiency I chose was Perception because Mysterion watches over South Park and he’s gotta be perceptive if he’s patrolling so often. I ended up taking Expertise (from Rogue) in Perception.

For background, I decided to go with City Watch/Investigator. As a vigilante, Mysterion literally watches over the city and in the Coon and Friends trilogy, he (and others) investigate the Cthulu cultists. I wouldn’t say he’s super on the side of the law, but it’s more about the flavor than literal definition in my opinion. But getting Athletics and Insight as skills was very good. Mysterion has to be real fit from all the rooftop hopping and climbing he does, and Kenny has always seemed to have an uncanny ability to read people. Perfect choices. I even took Expertise (again, from Rogue) in Insight. The two languages I chose from this were Elvish and Infernal. Elvish because I was thinking about TSOT and how Kyle is the high elf king and I like to image him teaching his language to Kenny, or Kenny actively trying to learn to talk with Kyle in his native tongue. Infernal because of how often Kenny goes to Hell, so I’m sure he’s picked up on the language down there from chatting with Satan and maybe also Damien.

Lastly: stats! I don’t know if your one-shot will be doing standard array or rolling, so I’ll just say where to vaguely put stronger vs weaker ones. I put my highest stat into Dexterity, since Sorcerers don’t get any armor proficiencies (and Mysterion doesn’t wear armor). My DM was kind enough to let me wear leather armor anyways, but in case yours is not, you want to make sure you’ve got good natural armor with a high DEX. Your next highest should be in Strength, since that’s the stat mod that fists use. Since that’s your only weapon, it’s gotta be good. Put the next highest into Charisma, so you’ve got a good shot at succeeding your saving throw in Strength of the Grave. Also if you actually want to ever use Shocking Grasp. The last three are honestly up to the player, based on how you want to think about Mysterion/Kenny. Personally I put my fourth highest in Wisdom because I think Mysterion has a lot of street smarts and is good at quick assessments (plus it boosted Insight and Perception even higher), then I put the fifth highest into Constitution. Having low CON is bad because it directly affects your HP. Then I put the lowest into Intelligence, simply because that was the only option left. I don’t think Kenny is dumb in the slightest but like... I kind of wasn’t left with a choice :/

And that’s my lvl5 Mysterion build for D&D 5e! If anyone else plays with this, or has ideas on how it could be improved to be more closely aligned with Mysterion, feel free to let me know :)

[mattelektras]

I don't know much about Duke Thomas? What do you like about him?

HOW LONG YOU GOT

i think he has a lot of qualities that the other batboys etc have but without their faults?? he has jason’s experience of being a young kid in gotham without the fancy rich upbringing and like. his street level knowledge. he’s incredibly smart like tim but in his own kind of way?? like he has his own areas of expertise that make him specifically invaluable. he’s got dick’s leadership skills and genuine passion for what he does, bruce’s motivation, n damian’s skill but in his own way imo

which is not to say he doesn’t have fault because he does. he’s not great w authority figures and can be abrasive and confrontational because he finds it hard NOT to stand up for himself and others. and he doesn’t hugely open up and embrace ppl like bruce without being hesitant to begin with. he can be kinda stubborn and maybe overconfident at times because he expects such high standards from himself

his parents were exposed to joker nonsense and became mentally unstable so he took it upon himself to lead an entire MOVEMENT of kids who felt that things without batman or someone like batman would be bad for the city and they wanted to protect it in his place

like. he didn’t do any of that with bruce’s authorisation or permission or whatever, he saw what the city needed and what the batman/robin thing meant for the people in it and made his own moves to do good. he’s a little like steph in that way?? they both decided they could and would do good regardless of whether batman wanted them to or not

he’s SMART like people think tim is the Smart One but duke!!!!!! the riddler shut off the power and said he’d switch it back on if someone answered a riddle and duke dedicated all of his time to research and studying to solve it himself. he’s AMBITIOUS and dedicated and confident in his own shit idk i really like that. i don’t think you get a lot of that in younger heroes because a big part of being a younger hero is the insecurity and self doubt. which he still has but i think he ultimately backs himself and knows what he’s capable of

even used a green lantern ring on his first attempt. i think willpower is something you could attribute to him in a lot of respects. like. he’s really dedicated and determined to BE something and DO something. same with how when he fought damian he didn’t give in despite damian being a better fighter objectively

WRITES POETRY….. HONEY SWEETIE BABY

after his parents went down joker avenue mentally speaking, he was put into foster care and was pretty much abandoned to a system that doesn’t favour the kids in it and he KNEW that. no effort was being made into finding out what happened to his parents so he went out and did it himself

knew bruce was batman when bruce had lost his memories!!! and also back when dick was agent 37, he figured that out too

when he finally started working w bruce and co, bruce asked HIM…. bruce wanted him to work with him not the other way around like that’s cool as fuck that mr batman ceo recognised duke’s potential and knew he’d be an asset

he agreed on the basis that he wasn’t another robin. which i love. because he still maintains his individuality and independence. like. he has control over it. and also to say to mr batman ceo, actually no bitch these are my terms and you WILL meet them. love that for him.

so he was lark instead which. the vibes are impeccable. bat vs bird, still connected to the robin concept but it’s own thing, a songbird. chef kiss. it was an unofficial alias i think but. in all ways he was thought of as lark

then some stuff happened and we learned that his mom was a metahuman and therefore so was duke which. again. NEW. something different for batman comics. so duke further stands out as his own thing imo. he doesn’t need batman’s resources or money etc. he can rely on his own natural resources

supervillain dad a la cass and steph. best trio. i think they should have a mini series

his powers are kind of really fucking cool??? and we don’t even know the extent of them yet because he’s still learning what he can do??

possibly immortal???

mostly light based powers. insane vision due to how his eyes process light. i’m not smart i don’t understand it i just think it’s neat

something about being able to see the history/future of light. so he can tell what’s going to happen in a fight for example. i think. like i said; not smart

the tl;dr is basically that his powers are seemingly pretty ??? at first glance but combined w how straight up genius this boy is and his work ethic and dedication, his potential is off the charts. like i said it really hasn’t been confirmed what the upper limits are which gives him so much room to grow and i Would Like To See It. i love powers like that in general like how domino just seems lucky but when pushed she can make lightning strike. that’s where i feel duke sits so by default he’s already meeting my requirements

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian s2 ep1 Reactions Post That’s right I’m BACK

and none of you not even god himself can stop me from rambling about space cowboy dad and tiny green baby stuff for much longer than any sane person should 

the TL;DR is that I still love this show SO MUCH, beware a bunch of spoilers under the cut!

- costume design wise I LOVE how badly the armour fits Cobb Vanth

 especially when you get shots with him and Din side by side for contrast:

It’s not just that it’s clearly not made for him (it seems he’s a lot lankier and more wiry than Boba is), he simply doesn’t know how to wear it, and he doesn’t know how to take care of it, because he doesn’t know what it means. Remember when Din’s breastplate got bent completely out of shape by the mudhorn and he had it repaired to the best of his ability long before they even finished with the ship? That’s why he looks so grounded and natural in it and Vanth has sort of a clumsy Spiderman-in-his-first-home-made-costume air about him. (also Boba’s helmet has a beautiful heft and solidity to it in this, they make all the beskar have a Feel and weight to it, makes it feel important)  

I like that Vanth is taller than Din; everything that drives home that Din’s strength doesn’t come from being naturally physically imposing or impressive is a joy to me 

- Boba’s armour seems to be confirmed to be real beskar, which gives me so much hope that they’re doing something actually nuanced and interesting with Boba and Jango’s cultural identities as Mandalorians (whether they do consider themselves that or not, for example), unlike George Lucas’ inexplicable yet unbending stance of ‘They aren’t and never were lol get fucked Fetts’  

the way the triumphant heroic part of the mando music sputtered and died when the man himself showed up tho... uh-oh this might be bad news 

man but that’s a stunning and surprising way to introduce a well-known character divorced from what makes them so iconic, though, just from that I’m going to trust they know what they’re doing (AND they got temuera morrison back I’m so EXCITED!!!). without the armor there’s the face of someone who shared that face with literal millions and at the same time must be looking older than his father ever got to at this point, and that’s super interesting as a starting point to me. (I... guess there’s still a chance it’s a fakeout and that it’s actually another clone, but that would be such a letdown when they’ve already given us this haha) 

- an excellent [mando sighs] moment

this opening scene did a great job of re-summarizing him for the audience -- establishing again that he gives you one chance at dealing with him fairly and if you insist on continuing to be an asshole about it, you’re toast, the fact that his fighting style is so much about being able to tank blows rather than not getting hit in the first place, the horror movie monster mando setup as he stalked the dude down and strung him up, the Poetic Justice predicated on some very careful word choices, and most importantly “where I go, he goes”... all wonderful, I’m sure I’ll watch this scene back for fine details and better looks at the background characters many many times 

(word seems to have spread about him and the baby for real now, which makes me VERY nervous btw)

- Pulserifle’s back! Jetpack’s back! Razor Crest’s back! Grappling line’s back! PELLI’S BACK!!!!!! Tattooine... is also back *Finn voice* Why does everyone want to go back to Tattooine????

I really enjoyed the way they fleshed out and (for lack of a better word) humanized the sand people, though, if you are going back to this desert hellplanet again that is a worthy reason to do it 

- Din swearing :O!! and one of the less egregious star wars swears too, I’m fine with this

- in campaign star wars news: I guess there was sort of both a binbon and a jubna in this ep! what a time to be alive

- as usual I love the jawa. a bright spot in any day, just a bunch of lil goblin-y friends hanging out having the best time loving sparkly crystals and rescuing silver foxes.  

get in loser we’re going shopping

-  

I uh. Do you think. Hm. Is there maybe a metaphor here somewhere. Is there perhaps a hidden, one may say double, meaning, at play, right here, in this image? Who can say, it’s just niggling at me (there’s a very similar set of shots with Toro in season 1, but seemingly the show went ‘I fear we might have gone too subtle with it, let’s amp it up this time’ over the season break loool)

honestly though this dynamic really highlighted everything I love about the ways Din performs masculinity. It’s so much softer and more community/collaboration focused and more comfortable to be around than Vanth’s version -- and Vanth isn’t a bad dude by any stretch of the imagination, it’s not hard to see why he’s like that considering where he’s from, he’s just such a... man. The lone person who can protect this village! The only man who’s got what it takes! It’s all on his shoulders and no one else’s, so do exactly as he says or he’ll put a hole in you! (I think it’s telling that one of his first comments to Din is ‘I’m sure you call the shots wherever you’re from, but ‘round here, I’m the person who tell folks what to do’, because as we as the audience knows, Din very much does not call the shots of where he’s from lol) I guess it says some nice things about the tribe of Mandos Din is from that this is how he approaches things, and it says some good things about Vanth how quickly he comes around to this smarter and less confrontational/domineering style of doing things once he’s been exposed to it and sees how it works. it’s just neat

(it’s smart of Favreau to set his ~*lone gunslinger*~ character up like this, too, it makes him so much more interesting and versatile)   

- With the way Din says ‘a Mandalorian Armorer sent me on my path’ it does seem confirmed that’s the equivalent of a priest role or a sort of shaman -- I wonder if he knows the name of ‘The’ Armorer or if they take on the role as a whole identity 

- the sheer contrast between the two people who wanted Din to take his helmet off for them in this ep tho... wants Mando’s armour off for horrible awful reasons and got exactly what he deserved:

wants Mando’s armour off for entirely sympathetic and understandable, just culturally uninformed, thirsty thirsty reasons & also having drinks together:

 (the sort of... little lick over his bottom lip he does there? keep it in your pants vanth my GODjflsadf he’s a good dude tho he understands and respects the ‘no armour removal before marriage’ thing and backs down gracefully)

- This is a nuanced thing: I don’t think I actually ship it (not in a requited way from Din’s side, anyway, Vanth I’m 100% sure about lol), but the incredible potential for out-of-context-taking of “Take it off, or I will”/”...we doin’ this in front of the kid?” is uh astounding  

(anyone got the vibe Vanth sort of had something with the bartender too? no just me? well well)

- I was never really scared Din was actually dead or hurt b/c baby wasn’t scared and I figure he’d know lol, a very useful fear barometer 

- “What’s the plan?” “Take care of the child” “What are you gonna do?” “I don’t know, but wish me luck *yeets his new bro out of harm’s way before diving in head first himself*” fksdjhfkjlashdfkjsldahfkasldjhfskldajhfsadkjfh WHAT a summation of Din’s entire approach to battle & life, dad please you carry a not insignificant part of my heart around with you be careful 

(Also with the heavy implication that Boba was watching the whole thing... can you imagine him just looking on as Din throws himself down that gullet like a madman. There must have been some ‘o_-7 *headscratch headscratch* ???’ going on for him there)

it’s kind of sweet that din trusts vanth will take care of the baby if something happens though, they really bonded quickly huh 

- the sand people who kept willingly going over to the krayt dragon’s cave are honestly braver and more admirable than anyone else has ever been, I kept just shouting in anguish as they were gobbled up, they deserved better 

- can we talk about how clear it still is that Din’s just... lonely. When he thinks he’s found another Mando and he sounds almost reverent with relief... and then it gets odder and odder (’uh... drinks? I guess... does he have drinking straws with him or -- HE’S TAKING THE HELMET OFF???’ oh buddy)

I wonder if they’re building towards something about him realizing it doesn’t have to be Mandos for him to trust and bond with people longer term? Basically all the characters he’s met and we’ve watched him form attachments to and get help from are non-Mandos -- Kuiil :’^(, Cara, Omera, Cobb Vanth, IG-11 :^’’(, Greef Karga to a degree. Establishing so firmly what he’s looking for this early would be good setup for a ‘what a character thinks they want vs. what they need’ thing later on just on a writing level, anyway, Boba Fett could bring in some interesting points of view about Mandalorianness too   

- baby’s happy gurgles when he sees pelli!!!!!! din speaking sand people language and petting alligator doggies!!!!!!

- pedro pascal’s voice work remains an utter joy to me. din’s measured, earnest, occasionally slightly stilted way of talking is still so good, and then he does things like inserting some more... idk life is the wrong word but that more charged and dynamic tone he took on when he said (”I thought you weren’t a gambler”) “I’m not”. *chef kiss*

- if the pulse rifle’s stun is able to do that to a fuckn krayt dragon... that’s some serious shit din is carrying around with him lol (interestingly the actual shooty pew-pew part of it didn’t seem to do much to it, but then I guess he was shocking it from the inside out and not through thick hide, so idk)

- my only real complaints about this ep: Vanth’s backstory ran a bit long, and not enough baby & dad interaction. the concept art’s got me tho: 

 (din often wears his original/old armour in concept art still, incidentally, don’t know what that’s about)

awwwwwww

+ omfg ;______;

- this sand people person conscientiously brushing a bantha’s teeth... blessed

- Customary flame thrower report: there was a rare useful deployment of the flamethrower. Good job Mando’s flame thrower for furthering the field of diplomacy

ETA: I CAN’T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO MENTION THIS: DIN BEING COMFORTABLE(ISH) AROUND DROIDS NOW!!!! GROWTH????!?! IG-11 WE MISS YOU??????????

[xxcherry-killerxx]

Hmm one shot where you ask Robotnik to make you a robot son? (Been dating for awhile) XD I'm sorry I haven't requested this kind of stuff before

Heck yeah, what's better than commitment to taking care of a bundle of joy together.

Summary: exactly what the ask is, with some cuddles at the end UwU ((idk what to title this)) i oh so hope you all like this 🥺

_________________________________________

Being 26 and still not having anything new was kinda weighing down on you and your long time boyfriend robotnik, marriage was brought up a few times and seemed to be a possibility. Although robotnik would get sweaty and quite frazzled at the question on kids. Although you two have been dating the sexual contact was little, there were times when things got heated and got a little out of hand but never anything too much. Skin to skin contact with you sent chills running up his spine, every time you tried to coax him in with you alluring gaze and soft and gentle voice calling for him. It made his heart race just thinking about it. Shaking his head and ridding his fantasies he continued to finish his latest creation. He felt so ashamed he couldn't give you what you wanted, what you both wanted. He wanted to so badly, but just couldn't for reasons he himself is to emberassed to admit ((he's just really scared he might mess things up)) he decided that he would try his hardest to make up for it, he knows you would love this little guy, it was a little robot named toby, he had a neatly styled head of hair and a permanent smile with happy eyes, he had synthetic skin and was secretly a dangerous weapon so he could protect you.

He wore a crimson turtle neck, black dress pants some black shoes and a neat little coat that robotnik for sure designed himself. He always designed everything even the clothes with you in mind giving him a lighter shade of (y/s/c) and (y/h/c). He even programmed toby to call you mom or mommy if you wanted. He was really going all out for this boy bot of yours.

One day the sun's rays shine brightly into your room as the birds sing a cheerful tune of their own, you sit in peaceful slumber still deep in the confines of soothing darkness when you feel yourself being jerked back and fourth "wake up! Wake up! It's nice to finally meat you mom! Wow your so pretty like dad said!" You try your best to wrap your head around it untill your eyes were able to fixate on The face in front of you, a cute little boy that resembled you was holding your hand smiling up at you, then robotnik peaks his head in. "I see you've found your new little buddy" he said walking in and closing the door, you smile up at him and look back down at the little bot " what's your name buddy?" The bots eyes seem to sparkle as he shyly speaks " toby, dad said you picked my name" he said in his child synthetic voice. He almost sounded real every now and then. Eventually they were able to get you out of bed, and thus you began your morning routine but this time with your new baby.

Month 2 into parenting and things are fine, you found out that toby was a dangerous weapon when a man tried roughing him up when you took him toy shopping once, when robotnik got word of it he made sure the man was in a full body cast the next day. You questioned him about it but all he would say was "hm? I don't know what your talking about" and look away. All you can do is smile and kiss his cheek. Tonight it's you robotnik and toby, you all decided that maybe it would be nice to just watch a movie, well that was untill toby slipped into rest mode. It was close to his bedtime anyways. Ivo picked toby up and carried him to his room, you followed and made sure nothing was in the way, opened the door to his room, opened his charging pod and kissed his forehead when ivo set him inside. After closing you both watched as the charging sign lit up and the screen above him showed his consciousness was having an active dream about doing arts and crafts with you and ivo. You smiled and silently awed at the sight, ivo too was smiling. He guided you back to the couch and assumed the position of big spoon " I'm so happy we have a son. These two months with the both of you have made me a better man, i don't know who i would be without the two of you" he said peppering kissed along your neck, the two of you just cuddle and watch TV with a warm fire still going. Ivo getting playful and slipping his hands under your nightgown to grasp at your bare waist and pulling you close. "Well I'm glad I decided to invade in Your life, I'm never leaving your either" he sighed, his hair a mess and all in his face, his shirt unbuttoned at the top exposing some of his chest, you lay your head on his chest and listened to the beating of his heart. And soon you both fell asleep.

-The end🌹💕

[do-what-the-knight-tells-you]

Okay, out of the blue, but if they really wanted Steve to end up with Peggy (for reasons that have nothing to do with gay panic, no sir, not a bit, I'm sure)... They could have done it????? Like, you are literally the ones making this shit up, you could do it well, if you were interested and respected the characters.

Like, honestly... A third infinity war/endgame film.

The biggest issue is that Steve going back to Peggy, staying there, abandoning the present timeline, comes out of nowhere. But you're making the thing! You could make it come from somewhere! You are writing it, you can fucking justify anything.

Okay, so for me the whole thing went off the rails completely when they sent Steve By Himself back in time to un-do what a Whole Goddamn Team of them did. Would it not have made more sense for everyone who was on the original mission who was still physically able to go do undo the things they did???

But okay, I'm imposing rules, all the things that we saw happen still have to happen. So.

So it's that "oh yeah, he's gonna do it all himself, I know it took like an hour of screentime and like seven characters the first time, but Steve by himself is gonna do it and it'll be done in eight seconds" that was so jarring, I expected "put that thing back where it came from" to happen between films, or in a separate movie or something, and so having it slapped on the end with a neat bow around it was... One in a long line of unsatisfying things.

But if they showed us????

So endgame was already p long, and unless you were including other characters, it'd be difficult and shitty to cut a lot of screen time out just for the wrap up... But then, that's always the challenge of the last thing in a franchise, so, suck it.

But let's say Steve going back in time and... Not showing up again was the end of endgame, or endgame ended on another cliffhanger, maybe after they all got back from the time heist and had the shit blown out of them.

So then a large chunk of the "third" endgame film is "put that thing back where it came from", either with additional help, as would be sensible, or Steve by himself. Esp if a large chunk of your movie has already been devoted to a tribute/character stuff for Tony, then the latter half is Steve. Doing his thing. We actually see how easy or hard it is for him to return the stones. Maybe get additional set up for future films as he takes the time to un-do the tessaract/loki kerfuffle. Does he have to return Thor's hammer too? This is an opportunity to establish whether your timetravel actually does spawn alt timelines, or is internally consistent.

We get to see him meet redskull again.

Maybe he tries to bargain with him, to trade the stone for Natasha, and learns it doesn't work like that, and has to decide if he's gonna leave the stone with a gaurdian who was once his worst night mare... For nothing. Maybe we see him face some of that old fear, and find a little closure.

Maybe we even see him have a convo with shade!Natasha, as he thinks, since Thanos was able to do that with Gamorra, kinda, through the soulstone. She has a further opportunity to explain why she is or is not okay with this turn of events, why she was willing to make that sacrifice and sit-out the happy ending. Why she chose to Stop fighting, rather than persuade Clint to work with her to find a work-around, or something.

And Steve hits on that idea, the idea of being Done. They have an opportunity to finish out the emotional plotline they opened in Winter soldier, and continued in civil war, where she was trying so hard to be a good friend, wanting so badly to learn how to help her friend find happiness and not be sad anymore.

Maybe it's in here that he brings up Bucky, brings up the people he would leave behind. Maybe she's the one who makes him take a hard look at what happiness looks like for him. Maybe she's the one who first makes a comment about how resilient ppl like her and Bucky can be, or something. Reminds him that what she had needed, in the end, wasn't One Person (thinking of Clint and or Bruce), but a team, a family, a support network. And she'd gotten it.

There's a little closure there, too.

And so he returns more stones.

And then he's in New York, and we maybe see him have a serious conversation with Tilda Swinton's character, another character who, canonically, has faced (or is preparing/prepared to face) what death/retirement/stepping out of the fight looks like. We see Steve struggling with and ultimately making that choice. To step out of his timeline. Or, back into his old timeline. She seems to understand timelines, so we can have a short mechanics-discussion, and... If it's parallel timelines, then Steve realises he can have his cake and eat it too, he can have Peggy and also rescue Bucky and it won't screw anything up, and he just has to step back into his old timeline to let them know what he chose. (And, I can't help it, maybe drop off his ice-self from the parallel timelines. Just saying)

Or, if it's not, if the timelines are, idk what it's called, self-healing, then Swinton explains that.

And so we are brought to understand that if he chooses to go back... He still can't save Bucky. He could invest all his energy and life into it, but because Bucky wasn't saved, obviously Steve couldn't save him... But maybe, Steve might realize, the reason Winter Soldier happened the way it did was Because timetravel!Steve had laid groundwork for it.

And so he realizes that he's gonna decide to stay with Peggy because, like Harry Potter seeing himself across the lake, he already HAS decided that.

So he does, he stays.

We see him make the choice, but we don't see what the choice is...

And the movie snaps back to everyone waiting on Steve to come back. And he doesn't.

And we see the old man on the bench.

And either immediately then, or in flashbacks between lines he delivers to other characters (falcon, maybe), we see snapshots, maybe no audio, Steve and Peg deciding to lie about who he is, to everyone, doing their best to thwart Hydra, laying the groundwork that would eventually reveal Hydra and expose Bucky and allow what happened to happen.

We maybe even see the funeral scene, see old!Steve explaining to Sharon (who never officially knew he was Steve Rogers) that he just can't do it. He said some words at the rosary the night before (if they're Catholic), or at the private wake (if they're Irish or Catholic), but he doesn't think he can get up there in the big ceremony, she's all official, a respected member of govt, would she mind terribly?

And so we get a shot of young Steve and old Steve, on opposite sides of the church, old Steve noticing his younger self, young Steve too stricken to notice.

And as that part winds down, we realize...

Bucky's not surprised.

Bucky's a little sad maybe, but some line, the way he said goodbye before Steve traveled... We suddenly realize Bucky's not surprised.

Because he knew.

Because he was the only character who saw timetravel!Steve and recognized him from before. Maybe because Steve came close to busting him out a time or two... Hell, maybe that's even part of how Steve gets to the lake unnoticed. Maybe old!Steve has been in contact with Bucky, maybe for a while, maybe since Wakanda, even. And so Bucky knew. Knew what Steve was gonna choose, before Steve did.

And has had time, a lot of time, maybe. To figure it out. Maybe Steve had originally thought he'd give the shield to Bucky, and it was Bucky who turned it down.

(and maybe that is a thing that we learn in Falcon/Winter Soldier, part of Falcon realizing that Bucky respects him a lot more than he had originally thought)

Anyway. It could have been done.

But much in the way of the Game of Thrones ending, it was done with haste, and without care, and so... Wasn't done.

But it could be.

[urfavmurtad]

What are some things about Judaism and Christianity that you learned that surprised you? What about polytheistic religions like native american animism, Buddhism, Shinto and Jainism? Zoroastrians? Baha’i? Yazidi?

Anon this is… such an in-depth question! Idek where to begin here. Of all those religions, I have learned the most about Judaism since I stopped being religious. What I knew about Judaism prior to maybe 5 years ago was mostly just what Islam says about Judaism. Meaning, you know, from Adam to Moses, then it skips ahead to David/Solomon/Saul, then there are some brief mentions of Jonah and Ezekiel and that’s really it.

So I didn’t know a lot, and I wasn’t very interested in what I did know tbh. The only reason why I started reading the Bible is bc I wanted to compare it to the Quranic versions of the stories and see how much Mohammed fucked them up. And that was fun but I didn’t bother to look much further into Judaism past that. The Books of Kings and Chronicles, for example, I took one look at them, decided they were boring, and didn’t read them until only a couple of years ago. That’s when I first got into the whole Biblical history thing. I tried reading a book about how the Bible was put together and realized I didn’t know enough about the Bible itself to even begin.

I forced myself to read those four books and then some of the prophet books (side note: all of the female prophets were left out of Islam, I didn’t even know they existed. Damn it Mohammed!!!). And I’m glad I did, because it changed my whole view of the Jewish Bible. It’s a history book!! Like… that’s literally what it’s supposed to be, a (legendary) history of Israel/Judah, and every bad thing that happens to them is ascribed to YHWH getting pissed off at them, but then like my friend and her trash boyfriend he always forgives them and takes them back even tho they just go on to disappoint him again. The Bible is the world’s oldest and greatest self-drag!!!

Once I actually knew the general chronology of the Biblical kings and shit I could actually make my way through this book without getting confused (mostly). Highly recommend this one for beginners btw, there is a PDF online and it’s not overly long.

And damn… I know there’s some debate about certain elements of it like the exact nature of the “documentary hypothesis” but even just focusing on the stuff that people agree upon, I didn’t know any of it before reading this, beyond there being no evidence for the Exodus/the huge kingdom of Solomon etc. I also knew that early Judaism was a system where multiple gods existed but YHWH was just their patron god, but I didn’t fully understand the process in how he got conflated with El and became the god.

More relevant to this topic, though, I didn’t understand the history behind the Bible itself. Deuteronomy being written separately/earlier than the rest and the Bible claiming that it was “found” in the Temple after like 900 years in Josiah’s time… like I had never even heard of Josiah prior to a few years ago and here I am realizing that this bitch perpetrated fraud that would make Linda Taylor proud. Tf. AND, the whole thing with Judah being way, way less developed than Israel, and Israel was actually a multi-ethnic and prosperous society, but then after the Assyrians handed Israel its ass the Judeans were suddenly the top bitch in school and wrote the whole Bible to make their former northern neighbors out to be assholes?? Wow Team Israel tbh.

Then when you get to the time of the Babylonian Exile tho you have to feel a bit bad for the people of Jerusalem, like the Babylonians were uncommonly dickish even for their time and the ppl of the city were clearly traumatized tbh… a lot of the stories in the Bible, especially those believed to have been added only after the exile, make a hell of a lot more sense when you realize the huge changes occurring in Jewish society at the time. The transition from “there are lots of gods but YHWH is our god” to “YHWH is the god” is completely understandable when you realize that people were searching for some explanation as to why they had all been uprooted and thrown out of their homes, and the obvious explanation is that, yet again, they had pissed YHWH the fuck off by worshiping other gods.

I feel like both Christianity and Islam (but especially Islam) try to separate many of Judaism’s better-known stories from the context of ancient Israel/Judah itself, presenting them as more universal stories that apply to everyone, but tbh the whole over-arching story doesn’t work unless you look at it as a history written by and for Jews who were rebuilding their religion and society in a volatile period. I’m reading this rn and it’s relevant to that topic.

It’s truly a damn shame that pretty much like 0% of Muslims have been exposed to any of this tbh? I feel like almost all scholars of Biblical history come from non-Muslim countries. I have more feelings on this subject but let me answer the rest of your question. First of all, Christianity. I read the New Testament in full a couple of years ago as well. It was obviously way easier to read because the Gospels are all different versions of the same story and the rest is just supplementary material, basically. I think the text itself is pleasant and Jesus was a chill dude. I like him. And the whole… sequence of events made much more sense after I’d read the Book of Isaiah and realized that the authors of the Gospels were viewing Jesus in light of those prophecies. Revelation is a fascinating shrooms trip. The Acts of the Apostles were fun to read, but all the letters were just like w/e. More historically interesting (if they’re real) than interesting in terms of content. Though I do think some of the content in them is very nice, idk if people know this but Muslims think Paul was responsible for perverting the (non-existent) “real” Gospel of Jesus and paint him very poorly. But I dunno, the letters seemed fine to me.

Tbh I was surprised to see how different Islam’s version of Christianity/Christian stories is compared to the “real thing”. I don’t even mean his disastrous misconceptions of Christian theology but just like… with the stories Mohammed pulled from the Jewish Bible (and the Talmud–which I also enjoyed flipping through btw, it’s like a bunch of old guys yelling at each other in written form), he gets details wrong but the overall stories are basically the same. But with the Christian stories, barely anything in the Quran is from the Bible. I think I’ve said this before but like 90% of the stuff pulled from Christianity in Islam is about baby Jesus, not adult Jesus, and even that stuff isn’t from the Bible. It’s understandable when you realize that he was listening to these stories, not reading them, and just picked the ones he liked best… which happened to be later texts. That brings me to a subject that is near and dear to my heart:

Apocryphal texts bih. I love this shit, with full sincerity and zero irony. The weirder it gets, the better. I started out just reading the ones that made it into the Quran, like the Life of Adam and Eve, the Infancy Gospels that I’ve mentioned before, and the Testament of Solomon. Then some Gnostic stuff, which I only read because it has the same substitute-crucifixion thing going on as Islam, but WHEW chile the DRUGS these ppl were on while writing this shit…! The Sethians and the Nag Hammadi library produced such treasures of crazy-ass literature. It makes me sad how so much of this stuff is just totally forgotten now that Christianity is mostly just Catholic/Protestant+Orthodox. There were so many sects and people had so many divergent ideas, some more drug-assisted than others probably!! And Middle Eastern Christianity was very diverse even in the 7th century. Some of the stories they produced had such rich lore. My fave right now is this Syriac collection:

I came across this one while looking for the origins of the al-Khidr story in the Quran. There were all sorts of opinions about who he was, bc Mohammed never really gave any details on his life, but Ibn Ishaq recorded an opinion that al-Khidr was the one who buried Adam and Allah granted him long life in return. So I looked for the source of that story and it was the story of Melchizedek in this book. Then I read the whole thing and man this would make for some weird psychedelic series or sth. It’s online, look it over and you’ll see how trippy it is.

Um… anon this is getting rly long tbh so let me sum up my knowledge of Shinto, Native American animism, and Jainism: not much!! Buddhism I have only an intro-level knowledge of, I know the basics but I don’t know more than that. The beliefs of Yazidis I don’t fully understand, but the little I know is pretty cool. From what I understand it’s a blend of pre-Islamic Kurdish religion + early Islamic influence + some other influences thrown in. It’s sad how they’re branded as devil-worshipers or w/e when the story of Melek Taus is actually really interesting and has a good moral and is way, way better than the story of Iblis. I also enjoy Yazidi architecture and that unique ribbed cone top of theirs. I hope they’re able to live on as a community after, uh, recent events.

I actually was taught about Bahai people growing up but I was told it was some heretical offshoot of Islam comparable to Ahmadiyya people. I didn’t realize it was considered its own religion until fairly recently tbh. I did read the Kitab al-Aqdas (which is blessedly short, this makes Bahai a great religion automatically!!) once. It’s definitely super inspired by the Quran in terms of style and to me clearly seems to be an attempt to make a Kinder And Also More Iranian Islam. I think it’s pretty neat. In fact I think a lot of attempts to magically make Islam “nicer” would just end up making it more like Bahai tbh. And it has a really fascinating history, with the Bab basically being a new John the Baptist and Bahaullah being the one he foretold. He even accidentally ended up in Israel lmao. I also really love Bahai architecture in terms of how diverse it is, with the only unifying feature being visual interest, and I would love to see the temple in India irl one day. India always has the best architecture anyway.

I saved Zoroastrians for last bc I have to be honest here. I tried to look into it, because it’s ancient and had an influence on Judaism etc and that makes it important. Fam I got about 3% of the way through the Avesta before giving up. I was still in the hymns part and just like… every other word was something I didn’t understand. I will go back and try again one day but for now the answer is “lol idk”.

ANYWAY… yeah… I’ve enjoyed reading about religion way more now that I’m not religious, both in terms of Islam and other religions, I can appreciate the process or w/e now that I’m not constantly trying to make it fit into Islam or panicking every time I spot something that makes me question my faith. I know a lot of atheists either fall away from religion altogether or just look at it like it’s something dumb, but even if it’s fake, that doesn’t make it worthless imo. The history itself is always worth studying.

[minijenn]

Mystical Mystery Kids AU

In yet another bout of excellence over on the UF Discord we have created yet another really neat AU, one that I happen to enjoy quite a bit because it has le angst in it ahahaha (plus design wise it has a lot of really awesome potential) So yeah, have a bunch of headcanons we’ve come up with (plus some original ones of my own) under the cut!

So the backstory of this AU actually starts a waaaaaaay long time ago, back in the days of ancient Egypt. So we got our Mystery kids but they’re of course Egyptian but they still like go solve mysteries and hang out and whatever (idk this part is the part I don’t generally find as interesting as the present day of this AU)

So one day the kids are wandering around or whatever and they discover the truth that Bill (who, as we know from... some extra canon stuff idk) basically had the ancient Egyptians build the pyramids as monuments to him or whatever) is actually a geometric bastard who wants the world for himself

So the kids are all set to expose the truth to everyone but then Bill himself shows up and decides to silence the kids by cursing them, turning them each into a different kind of mythological monster

So in this we have Gem-corrupted (but still sorta sentient) rose monster Steven, dragon Dipper, Pegasus Mabel, and roc Connie

So yeah these kids are pretty much screwed because there’s no way to undo the curse (cause Bill is an ass) and they kinda can’t really hang about in human society anymore so they all just flee and go off on their own and stick together as they wander around, eternally stuck in their monstrous forms (they basically have unlimited life spans, but they can be killed (which will come into play later on)

And eventually these kids find their way to Gravity Falls, which is where all of the weird things usually tend to congregate, and that’s where they settle down

Now of course the Gems were around back in the day so they’re completely distraught about what happened to the kids, but Garnet I guess, has a vision that they’ll all eventually meet again someday in this place called Gravity Falls, so they decide to move there and play the waiting game, hoping that they can see Steven again someday

Now flash forward to the modernish era and the Mystery Kids get... uh... offed; basically they all die, probably in roughly the same way

BUT because the curse thing Bill put on them is sorta like this eternal thing, upon their deaths, the kids actually reincarnate into the modern Mystery Kids we all know and love

Now at first, these kids are all born human and normal and such, but as they grow up they gradually start to transform into the monsters they used to be (and they gradually start gaining memories of their past lives too) 

So let’s break it down into how it goes for each one of the kids (and I’m kinda gonna be doing some copy pasting from Discord here so bear with me)

So Steven; he’s not part Gem anymore, at least not apparently; but the Gems happen to find him with no parents around and they realize he’s basically identical to their old Steven they lost centuries ago, so of course they decide to take him in and basically raise him

However, he gradually turns back into that corrupted rose monster over the years and to quote @7-galaxys​ here (cause she came up with some really good ideas for this AU): “ OK so for Steven, there ain't no flower shops in Gravity Falls or Beach City, but the CG often portal to different places and whenever Steven comes along and finds Roses, he keeps them. He's got an uncanny ability to care for roses, so even starts his own rose garden. (Yet, as soon as the gems gave him seeds for other flowers, Steven couldn't care for them nearly as well and it always frustrates him) He's always got this distinct smell of roses about him, and really likes the color pink. He's usually calm, but small things will set him off (like when he's scared or hurt). Lots of people noticed he acts in an almost animal way, but everyone just chalked it up to HIS weird and mysterious past (showed up outta nowhere with 3 aliens- definitely not normal) that's also a bit pinkish. At one point, en STEVEN'S 12 or something, he noticed that some rose petals stuck to his skin. When he tried pulling them off, they refused to budge. When they finally did come off, he felt paint and was bleeding...thankfully they fell off on their own, but Steven started wearing sweaters after that to hide his new, strange skin. If they're on his hair though, he'll leave am cause he like an there and no one really questions it. Weird kid=weird habits”

So yeah, like I said, gradual transformations over the course of several years that even the kids themselves are sorta baffled by

Now for Connie, her and her family have always lived in Gravity Falls; however as she started to turn back into a roc (which is like this huge eagle-like bird if you don’t know), her parents kinda keep her inside a lot because they don’t want people to freak out over their half-bird daughter

And, quoting Galaxies again:  “Connie was always ridiculously light, even when she was born; her parents worried she wasn't the right weight, but everyone was surprised when she survived to infancy. Her X-rays how ARE always really weird (Connie was born with kinda hollow bones) but NO one figured out why. She was always so interested with birds, and I guess in this AU, is a needs glasses because her pre-roc vision and her now human vision were colliding a lot, which  made it difficult to see. When she was about 8, she began to grow feathers, and thats when her parents didn't let her go outside anymore. Connie's nose began to grow kinda weird, and sometimes her skin kinda had scales like how talons did? It was weird. One time, on a school field trip before her shut in, she was visiting the aviary habitat where birds fly around, yeah? And when she whistled (only she knew how to whistle out of the whole grade- she claimed no one taught her tho) all the birds flocked to her area, or at least most of them. One of them perched on her head and she stayed in the habitat the whole day.”

Now for the twins, they’re still born in California and again, seems like they’re all right and normal at first, but gradually Dipper starts turning back into a dragon (a tiny lil one) and Mabel turns back into a Pegasus

Galaxies, once more, weighs in: “Dipper's skin occasionally gets really tough and one time, he touched the stove while there was FIRE and it was hot AF but there wasn't a burn, Mabel always had a strong connection with horses and loved the idea of pegasai (But would sometimes point out that they looked....wrong somehow and she could never say how) and the twins always felt like they couldn't always communicate with people and DIPPER FUCKING LOVES REPTILES and Mabel always had this crazy endurance and a ridiculously fast metabolism and Dipper gets fangs and will sometimes growl”

So yeah of course the Pines parents don’t really know how to handle their kids’ alarming transformations, so they kinda panic and send them up to live with Stan in Gravity Falls (when they’re like, idk maybe 8 or 9) because apparently all sorts of weird shit happens up there, so they’ll probably be safe there, right?

So Stan takes them in and he finds their transformations to be pretty weird yea, but he’s supportive and comforting because well, Stan is the best

So the kids meet each other about the same time they do in UF and they all quickly bond because by that point they’re just about all fully monsters (I’d say the transformation would basically be complete around the time their past lives got cursed, which would be when they were 12/13 whatever)

So yeah through meeting each other that awakens even more past live memories and the kids eventually remember their former bond and that only brings them even closer together (the Gems are baffled but delighted by the way to see the kids again, even if they are still monsters) 

Also, being a dragon Dipper FUCKING HORDES A LOT OF RANDOM STUFF and it drives Mabel crazy (Stan and Amethyst use Dipper as a regular advantage on their revenge trips tho cause he’s got such an apparent knack for stealing lol) 

As for more extemporaneous stuff, when Dipper, Mabel, and Connie all grow their wings it HURTS like hell for all of them, poor kiddos (a lot of this transformation stuff would likely hurt them cause ya know, they spend years turning from humans into literal monsters)

Steven sometimes sheds his petals and they’re apparently very rare and highly valued for their healing properties

Steven’s also the only one of the MK who can’t fly but he compensates for that by being able to run very fast and jump very far

Despite being a dragon, like I said, Dipper’s a pretty small one, so he’d be the tiniest of the MK here (with Connie being the biggest cause ya know, giant bird)

Mabel still has a diet that consists of a lot of sugar (cause ya know, horses, sugar cubes lol), Steven’s pretty much an herbivore, while Dipper and Connie are both total carnivores

The kids kinda spend most of their time hanging out in the woods because they know they’ll probably be safe from humans being afraid of them out there (though they do trust Stan and the Gems of course) 

Aaaaaaand that’s about all of the main things for this AU but idk its a nifty idea (I’ve already sketched up what dragon Dipper and beast Steven look like so I’ll probably finish those up one of these days and do designs for the girls as well) 

Either way, as always, lemme know what ya think and if you got any HCs you’d like to add! Tbh this one is pretty neat (I love slow transformation situations) so I may write something for it in the future, idk its angsty but cute ^_^