#idk maybe i’ll delete this later

[that-was-anticlimactic]

you know, after all these years, absolutely nothing calms me down nearly as well as the song “quiet” from the matilda musical

[reyenii]

“the boys in the boat” bts photos

[cactusisconfused]

I’m having ✨thoughts✨

Aroace(?) Soap

-

Soap doesn’t understand why he feels this way for Ghost- he’s never felt this way before. Not for anyone. No woman, no man- no one.

Yet when Soap is around Simon, his mind swarms with thoughts he’s never had before. Thoughts of wanting to hold the man close. To listen to his deep, gravely, stupidly handsome British accent.

He’s so scared that it’s love- romantic love.

Soap isn’t emotionless, he loves with his whole mind and heart to the point it’s fucked him over in more ways than one- but never has he felt this.

He’s dated of course, because that’s what you’re supposed to be doing growing up. He’d dated a few girls. They were pretty, but that idea only rendered as a fact, with no emotion behind it. Like how a sunset can be beautiful but you wouldn’t take a sunset out on a date.

His relationship started when he was fourteen. A girl confessed her love, and Soap thought that’s all it took to be in love, for someone to say a ‘magic’ word. He didn’t understand that he was supposed to feel something.

She would try to kiss him, hug him, and he would give it back but it was never honest. Kissing felt wrong, felt nothing like how it seemed in the movies. They only lasted a few weeks.

He dated another girl a year later, his older sister Leah, had put them on a blind date. The girl was sweet, and again objectively pretty, but he felt…nothing.

He’s heard people talk about love, about the butterflies in one’s stomach, how everything would seem to zero in on one person. But as he looked at her from across the table, he felt nothing. He tried again, thinking that he just needed to wait for something to click.

She tried to advance things, Soap couldn’t get past taking his shirt off before making a piss poor excuse to leave. He doesn’t know why he felt like he needed to leave- why his skin was crawling at the thought of being intimate. But he did, and when he got an earful the next day from her, he had no good argument.

The girl had looked at Soap for a long moment before gently asking if Soap was gay. If that’s why his kisses never felt true, why there was no love- romantic love.

Soap at the time agreed with her, one for an out and two as it felt like a solid explanation for the way he was acting. He’d never felt anything towards guys, but maybe that’s because he’s never tried, he had never thought about it.

Soap had just turned seventeen when a guy friend of his admitted his attraction to Soap. Again, Soap looked at the man, dark brown hair, decent build, a kind man. Soap agreed regardless, already hating himself for going through with it. But maybe- maybe he is into guys and just…needs to get to know him more.

The two go on many dates and they last for almost a year. Soap could almost convince himself that he was truly in love.

Looking back, he wonders if he only felt that way because this man was the only one who saw Soap for who he was, and not the face he puts on for everyone else.

But Soap knows he was pushing his luck, knows he was leading the man on. The guilt had eaten him whole.

Three good people, all gave their undying love to Soap, and he gave nothing in return.

He doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel how they felt- doesn’t know whats wrong with him. Why he can’t feel romance, why he’s never wanted sex.

He joins the military the next year, and he forgets about those feelings. Relationships aren’t meant to happen between soldiers and the one night stands are easy enough to dodge- both from men and women.

He had completely forgotten about all of it.

He had.

He really had.

Until Simon fucking Riley.

Until he saw that beast of a man dressed as the fucking grim reaper.

It wasn’t in an instant that he felt these new emotions. It was well after Las Almas and well after they catch Makarov.

Throughout that time, Soap and Simon got close, closer than either had truly expected. They flirted, though it was all banter of course.

Until it wasn’t.

Until Soap realized as he watched Ghost move through a warehouse through a sniper optic, that he found he meant it.

Then he started thinking and thinking. He couldn’t stop.

He couldn’t stop himself from getting jealous when anyone else looked at Simon with a suggestive glance. How he couldn’t stop thinking about holding him close, closer than Soap had let anyone before. How he had thought about pulling Simon close and have his lips meet the other’s.

It scares him.

Even if this is love- romantic love- he doesn’t feel like it’s enough. That he wouldn’t be a good enough partner, like how he was with the others in the past. What if these thoughts are the same as the last guy’s, he’s just going through some mental hoops to make him think it’s romantic?

Not to mention, Simon is his fucking superior- and his closest friend.

If he admitted his ‘love’ and for some reason Simon agreed, what if it goes away? What if he can’t recuperate once more? He’ll ruin their friendship and Soap can’t bare the thought of seeing Ghost take place of Simon.

He’s in turmoil and has no idea what to do with it.

He can’t tell gaz, he wouldn’t understand why Soap feels like he’s going crazy for feeling romantic for the first time. And like hell can he tell price, for the same reasons, plus insubordination. Price is a chill man, Soap knows that, but why stir a pot that’s already way past boiling.

So he’s stuck, with nothing but his journal and swarming feelings that make no sense.

-

Lmao, imagine identifying as aro ace for years and then boom, nada. Hahhahahahha. Definitely not projecting on him.

Definitely.

Anyway.

Have a good day (●’◡’●)ﾉ

[thedndgoblinwholivesinyourwalls]

I AM EXCITED FOR FRANCIS’S STORY!!! I WANT HIM TO GET WORSE PERSONALLY!!!

[artheresy]

No but I don’t think anyone understands how deeply I need to witness Blade identity crisis content like, the focus on identity usually with the HCQ and the struggles usually centers around Dan Heng because of course! We get the content in canon touched upon, expanding on it with your own view is so much fun and I want to do it myself at some point.

But the potential of Blade? And exploring his fucked relationship with his identity and with Yingxing? MWAH, delicious, and not done enough compared to something I do see a bit whenever the topic comes up which no hate to anyone for but I have my own opinions on it

Like, shit Blade has HUGE issues with dehumanizing himself as a result of Jingliu’s teaching in which she projected her own self dehumanization onto him and taught him to turn his body into a weapon and remember the feeling of death. He doesn’t view himself as being a person, he is nothing more than a sword for slaying, a weapon whose path is soaked in the blood of both his victims and himself. And UGH listen, I’ve already ranted about this so many times that y’all are probably tired of hearing me talk about it.. it truly is one of my favorite topics, the disconnection between Yingxing and Blade that does exist in canon to certain extent. Though he takes on the weight of his sin as his own and his duty to repay it (and make sure Dan Heng repays it too), the ways in which he doesn’t connect to Yingxing in other matters is used in such a tragic way when you peel back the layers upon layers that can relate to the simplest things. Like fucking hell, not to mention it again but the use of craftsmanship between the two of them is heartbreaking as crafting represents not only what he happened to do as apart of the HCQ and in the end his legacy, but how it is used as a representation of his passion that Blade does not share, how it represents the revenge that dominated his life as Yingxing built on the pain and trauma of losing his entire family and home while still such a young child which Blade probably doesn’t even fully remember anymore let alone connect with. I swear, that hurts, it hurts me every time I think about it.

I also just have a lot of my own headcanons that I firmly don’t think are canon, but are things I instead sprinkle in like finishing salt into my wounds to make myself even more sad. Like thinking about Blade in a way constantly being in mourning, not solely for Baiheng, but genuinely in mourning for Yingxing as well. Although he used to be Yingxing, that man is still dead and gone and never coming back, never in a way that will actually be Yingxing. So I like to imagine he mourns for him as well. Not just his death but mourns the severed connection between them. The passions he cannot submerge himself in, the pure dedication he cannot fathom, the love and happiness he cannot even begin to imagine the feeling of. Or at least not the warmth of them, he only feels the bitter shards of those feelings left within him, making his hatred all the more agonizing and deep set.

Hm… I wonder how we’re going to see Blade progress as the story keeps going on. I do truly hope we get more of an exploration of this. I need to see what happens to him. I need to see how his mindset ends up evolving or instead of evolving, the sheer amount of shit it ends up getting him into. God do I love this man, sorry that my love manifests in needing to see him suffering. It just comes with the territory

[mattstoneenjoyer]

it’s interesting to me that a lot of ppl see that commentary clip of trey talking abt how shelley used to beat the shit out of him as him joking

[orphetoon]

maybe i should get back into drawing totk

[winterrens]

uhhh nessian doodle . reading bedtime stories

[lazzarella]

Trying to make a ~movies to watch if you liked Saltburn post, but it really depends on what you liked about Saltburn, so I keep getting hung up on it. So here's a short, poorly organised list off the top of my head that I will probably overthink and panic over and which probably only makes sense to me:

Most obvious ones are The Talented Mr Ripley and Brideshead Revisited (I would recommend the miniseries over the film, but the film is still quite good imho) if you haven’t already seen them.

Would also recommend Plein soleil (aka Purple Noon), an earlier French adaptation of The Talented Mr Ripley

Others:

Teorema (Theorem)

The Servant (Fennell has talked about the influence of this and other Losey films in a few interviews)

Phantom Thread (maybe?)

Gothic 1986

Stoker

Cracks

The Moth Diaries

Perfume: The Story of a Murderer

Lilies (1996) (tentatively - recommend regardless!)

If you just want more psychosexual weirdness:

Crash

Blue Velvet

The Duke of Burgundy (a lot dreamier and softer)

There are a lot of gialli and 80s/90s erotic thrillers I could rec but it might stray too far

If you just like the setting:

Another Country

Maurice

Kill Your Darlings

A few directors if you just want generally weird and/or fucked up films:

Yorgos Lanthimos (maybe working back from most recent, if you're not used to transgressive cinema and absurdist humour)

Kenneth Anger

Guy Maddin

Yann Gonzalez

There are definitely more but now I’m tired but feel free to add some!

[hinakyuu]

warning: gonna be an asshole real quick. (also my opinion is my own, i don’t speak for anyone else, etc. )

ok but we have so many dynamics here within our own team. real, strong bonds. plus uhh proximity? idk why there are ppl with a foot in both sides solely due to fictional ships. like i’ll make it easy for u. if u don’t know who to root for and are “conflicted” then just go ahead and root for the other team. after the behavior they displayed today if that hasn’t made up ur mind then maybe i don’t want even half of ur support for my team

[crazysnor1ax]

Considering doing that 6 character art challenge but it’s characters that I think made me realize I was a furry

[kheprriverse]

I didn’t know what to draw today so I spent an entire day on this one doodle of Ares pestering Terminus and this is the only part I like about it LOL

[the-lonelyshepherd]

aha yay. i drew like 30 of these

[justanotherdumbteenboy]

cw: autistic meltdown, vent

I sometimes hate being autistic because instead of celebrating when I got my admission letter from my university it almost immediately led me into a meltdown out of emotional overwhelmed as I read everything. I spent like… 20 seconds reading and had a 1h and a half meltdown + recovery time (still on this, that’s why I’m writing this rn, to try and get some thoughts out of my head). Emotional dysregulation sucks, instead of celebrating I’m here writing (a gramatticly incorrect) vent on my floor trying to regulate my emotion and gather the courage to check again. + I can’t speak rn, so I won’t be telling my family anytime soon.

I try to be proud of who I am, but fuck is it hard sometimes.

[nostalgic-bee]

Hosting a ship week seems so fun I actually want to try hosting one eventually

[bajaja-blast]

tw/ sexual assault

does anyone know what’s up with the Melanie Martinez allegations?

ik this is nothing new anymore, and even though I love Meanie’s music I would much rather side with a victim of SA. I did find this Reddit comment on a post about it from a year ago and I was wondering if any of the things in this comment are still relevant.