Text
I'm in the mood to be self-destructive. I wish I had the means to do so. I hate having to just sit with this discomfort and all these thoughts and memories I desperately don't want to be reminded of. Fuckin. Hate. This.
#drugs tw#sobriety attempt#kill me#self destruction#personal#want to use so badly#to the point where ill almost use anything#almost...#fuck this shit#bad thoughts#bad memories#want to escape myself#thoughts#lost#idk who tf i am anymore#but then again#did i wver actully know myself#fuck this shit typoes for life#i cant rype for shit when in a mood
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
The fact that War constantly acts inside the acting in this series and makes it actually work it's nuts.
#thai bl#jack and joker the series#jack and joker#war wanarat#my man was born to act#I would go crazy playing a role that also has to play many roles like Idk who tf I am anymore#truly bonkers
57 notes
·
View notes
Text
📚📖🧸
#i wish i could go to the library..#and just get cozy in a chair and read for a couple of hours#sadlyyy the past couple of years#parents have decided to make libraries (aka the ONLY quiet zone we have in society)#into their own private playgrounds#and they take their kids there so they can run around and yell and slam things and stomp and just be loud af#and it sucks :(((( it makes me so sad bc libraries are supposed to br quiet and calm#places to go to study and read and such#NOT yet another place where kids get to be noisy and ruin a quiet calm space#and librarians dontsay anything anymore... when i was a kid they always came and SHHHHHHH aggressively lol#and i cant say anything bc then im a 'child hating miserable cow who thinks kids should get beaten up'#idk the thing is yes kids should be at the library... to cultivate their interest in books...#and that should be encouraged... ofc!!!#but some weird shift in society had happend post pandemic and ppl are just stupid and weird and dumb#yes kids running around looking at books and their parents reading for them is chill#but parents allowing their kids to SCREAM and sit in a chair and so#and stomp*** and throw things.....#why is that ok?? why do ppl even think thats ok... and im not a bitter hag for saying that kids shouldnt be noisy#or play in a library.... like why tf dont u go to a playground that is created for children to play and be loud#and let them run their excess energy off. and THEN go to the library#allowingyour kids to ruin an entire library for everyone else is fucking shitty#and libraries are the only place that have ever been quiet and now theyve taken even that from us#(us = neurodivergent & noise sensitive ppl)#and idk its smth that makes me despise society even more.. bc nobody even listens when i calmly and rationally say that hey this isnt ok#bc they only hear that im a child hating bitch who wants kids to have no rights and be murdered in the streets 😐#just bc i think they should be quiet in a library........#but if i go to a playground andstart telling everyone to be fkn quiet then everyone would think im crazy right??#idk i just hate everyone bc i am noise sensitive and libraries SHOULD be quiet but now parents with their kids have ruined the only place#to go. and nobody listens bc they think that if youre noise sensitive u should just sit in your own home 24/7.#and its like crazy to me bc im not going to a store or a cafeand saying YOOOO everyone shut the fuck up im noise sensitive!!!
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#there's no way i could ever have another pet bc this has destroyed me in unimaginable ways#despite him being old and his health declining the past three or so years#we did everything we could to keep him around and healthy but his little body just couldn't do it anymore#i love him so much i hope he wasn't in pain#i regret not saying goodbye when my mom told me to before he went to the hospital friday but i was in denial#we held out all weekend to see if the treatment would work but he was just so weak my dad gave them the go-ahead to stop it today#idk if they've put him to sleep yet but we're assuming so since my dad is gonna go pick up his collar tomorrow#i cried so much last night because i just had a feeling today would be it#and then i woke up this morning and already had tears in my eyes#this is gonna be. another long grieving process and i'm already so tired from losing my sister last year#when does it fucking end lol like when do i get to the other side#i'm just exhausted. I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted#he's such a big extension of me like who tf am i without my dog i'm nothing he's all i had
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
*said with increasing distress, eyes blodshot and an empty mug in hand* you guys remember writing right????? you guys remember posting fic and publishing things and talking to editors about potential projects right???? you guys remember being creative in your creative jobs and not just rereading old work and having a panic attack over the time wasted over curating hyperspecific character playlists that you get mad about five minutes later right????? i'm not insane right????? creative block is normal even if it lasts for months right???? i haven't written a fic in YEARS but it's ok i'm ok i have to finish TWO original pieces for next week that I haven't even started but it'll probably be fineeeee I'm totally not being a complete and raving lunatic about it it's probably gonna be okay <3 yay <3
#AND I STILL HAVEN'T APPLIED FOR MY NEW SHOW IN THEATRES ?1!!!!???? AJAAGAGAHAHAHFGH#BABYGIRL I CAN BE DRY IN WAYS YOU CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE FOR PROJECTS THAT ARE ALREADY EVEN PLANNED OUT#the words just won't come out idk#ok so i attended one of the most prestigious universities in the country re: my field of expertise and carefully improved in my craft#just to go into a creative field and be an unemployed fuckhead who won't even write#i mean I am ALSO an academic that is very much true as well. but you don't really earn money from that either now do you#especially not in humanities#anyway. i need to go wash some dishes#it'll be fine probably i just need to lock tf in#it sucks being the one in the relationship that has no job no money no prospects and is already a burden to their parents#like literally they're being very nasty about it and like i know they care about me and stuff but they are very much. not supportive#it doesn't mean they're openly hating on it tbh i think they've given up on trying to disagree with my life choices and atp they just judge#when i'm not there. but evidently i find out anyway because of course i do#tbh won't complain about the lack of open support though like it's cool you disapprove of my relationship and my work and my life overall#ok rant over i'm big now. i'm an adult#ACTUALLY should i write a paper on disco elysium maybe that'd cheer me up. DON'T ask me how de is cheerful it isn't#my brain just works in mysterious ways#also gonna write an essay on my relationship with god. and get it published. probably gonna quote dostoievski a couple times as well. maybe#who give a fuck anymore man people these days can write ANYTHING. i love being alive in a world where printing is a thing. also computers#personal
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
last years pride i had a sexuality crisis and this year a few days later im having a gender one. fuck.
#i was shaking celia/muro for what tf their gender is and all i got was#“its almost impossible to see who you are separate from how peoples perceptions feel and how they link to the systems that govern our lives#yay thanks as if i didn't already know that how femininity is punished has shaped me as constantly presenting masculine#maybe i am just a coward whos pretending to be trans to escape the awfulness that comes with being feminine#I DONT KNOW ANYMORE#i hate being seen as female but i only feel better when seen as a man- not truly happy#but its not like im ever seen as a real one#i enjoy pride because then my gender and presentation are just *queer* and i dont need to worry about boxes#i just want to be me!#this whole gender thing can kinda suck#im crow! thats all that should fucking matter!#not whatever box people try and fit me in#i guess i just gotta be used to not fitting into any box or label and having imposter syndrome for the only one that does: transgender#idk i kinda want to be in a box but it always ends up distressing me whenever i try#sorry to put this on peoples dashes#i just dont know and its stressing me out#im not a woman and i am more comfortable being seen as a man but thats *comfort* not really genuine joy#im a not-woman#i dont fucking know!!#i need to stop trying to figure it out bc of how distressing it is but here i go again...
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
oh we fucked our metabolism up bad huh
IF YOUR BLOG IS ABOUT ENABLING YOUR EATING DISORDER, DON'T FUCKING INTERACT WITH THIS!!! GET HELP!!! STOP INTERACTING WITH PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO RECOVER FROM THEIR OWN EATING DISORDERS!!!
#took a thc capsule yesterday at 4pm. been feeling it kick in on and off all day still. jesus christ oh god lmao#it is now 9pm and i am in and out of being high again what the fuck. we fucked up baaad.#we're not in any danger or trouble lol im just chilling. but goddamn juno fucked our metabolism BAD.#tfw the eating disorder causes issues lmfaoooo whoda thunk it#ed mention#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#its Cal again maybe lmao who tf knows anymore#also disclaimer idk if this shit is even possible its been over 24 hours since we swallowed the capsule#but this is what I'm experiencing lmaooo and I did some googling and can't find anything to blame other than metabolism
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
I really need to make a DNI sometimmMMEE
#/nbh (i wrote this post and the following tags hours ago while getting distracted from hoemwork lol)#like im fine without one bc it's not like i ever take a magnifying glass to the ppl in the notes of anything i post that does numbers#and im not super active on here anymore so like. it's whatever. just blocking anyone i notice who's super gross & fucked up is fine#(or anyone who just makes me uncomfortable bc duh)#BUT BRUHH!! THE ONE GROUP OF PEOPLE I WANT TO KEEP THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME BC I'M A WOY FAN & ALSO BC THEY GROSS ME THE /FUCK/ OUT.........#YEAH. YEAH I NEED TO PUT A DNI SOMEWHERE FOR IT. I WANT STRAIGHTWASHERS AND THEIR SUPPORTS NOWHERE NEAR MEEEE. EUAUHGHH 🤮#KEEP UR MUSTY HOMOPHOBIC P.ROSHI.TT.ER ASSES AWAY FROM MY BLOG LMAO PLEASE GOD. FREAKS ME TF OUT. YALL R SO UGLY.#obvi there's ppl who disgust me a million times more but for the most part it's not like i have 2 worry abt them being attracted to my blog#and also Worse People who fall into the 'proud of being morally bankrupt human beings' category generally won't follow a DNI lmao so#that's like. very unnecessary.#but yeah when it comes to boundaries that *I* PERSONALLY HAVE. yeah i need a DNI sisters. auoigughh.#that's so annoying man like where even am i going to put it. how do i go about it. do i just forget it & continue on how i have been#IDK but blaghh
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
Big Sad
#kicks dirt#idk how many times i can openly ask for what i need & just. not get it. before i've just gotta Stop bc it starts feeling pathetic#and potentially even bordering on emotionally manipulative.#debating the Morality of even tag-venting on my own blog bc i don't want anyone to assume this is targeted#i just feel Deeply Lonely and like i have absolutely nothing going on in my life except work#and just lowkey like.... Unseen.#sometimes i try So Fucking Hard to have a conversation with people only to have 100% of what i say completely ignored me#* in favor of a random meme.#it starts to fuck with you after a while! makes you feel Uninteresting and Foolish and Annoying#idk.#i mean i also ran out of my (Extremely Rough Withdrawal) SNRI last week so like. that isn't helping.#but it's more than that. i've been feeling like this for a while.#it just. really sucks when you move & have no irl friends. no energy to make any new ones.#and all of your long distance friends have A Lot of shit on their plates so you feel shitty and inconsiderate for even thinking of asking#for. well Anything really. let alone some of their extremely limited time & energy & attention.#like who tf am i to ask anyone#let alone people who are all Very busy and struggling w/ their own shit#for their undivided attention for a chunk of time they could be using to take care of themselves#i don't want to feel invisible anymore#but i also don't want to be a drain on the people i care about#i hate Needing things#i wish the depth of my love and devotion to the people i've chosen to care for was fulfilling enough on its own#so i'd never need to ask for things#having emotional needs is like. sooo gross & selfish of me tbh. :/' go the fuck to therapy holy shit u would Never say this abt Anyone else#anyway. watch me delete this in 5 seconds bc the need to be seen & the mortification of being Perceived can & do coexist#χ.txt
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
when fanfic writers are like having drafts for their fics, smaus, oneshot. wat ever chu chu
THEY GOT TO BE THE MOST DETAILED THING EVER
WHILE MY BITCH ASS IS THIS-
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
stumbles out of the 2wink climax event covered in blood (and tears)
#i can't wait to read a more decent translation but#the ending got me soooooo 😭😭😭😭😭#yuta is so fucking cute but i wish he said those things in front of hinata. poor bby needs to know his lil bro doesn't hate him at all#and then um... they didn't really put a proper end to the whole thing which bothers me a bit cause GUYS. sit tf down and talk omg#like they just acknowledged each other's povs. and that's it. they're just gonna fight to see who loses first#and only THEN they will fight together again. sighs#idk how to feel abt this but i just hope we get no angst anymore cause please i am really tired i wanna see them happy </3#🌸 ; lyn rambles about stuff
1 note
·
View note
Text
why on earth do I always have future-life-crisises on random ass weekdays
#i dont know what i want to do or where i want to live or go or work and i hate it#ik “no one knows this!!” but like i literally. i dont even know my own brain fjdjdksk i feel like im not a real person#disassociation!! amazing!!#do i want to go to uni? work more? move somewhere else? never move out at all? travel? idk!! my brain is just fluff 24/7!#let alone the logistics of shit#like im settled in work now so have no reason to move ig but i dont wanna live where i live now forever even if i moved out#but do i actually want a masters? or should i just keep earning more through my current job? can i even study anymore? what about my car?#will i ever be able to keep up with the 20 different hobbies i have that i never have any motivation to do?#will i ever be able to reliably have more friends than my uni 3 or am i doomed to never be able to hold a conversation?#what about dating? is that something i want to do? or have i idealised it too much? what even is attraction?#why cant i have any passions or interests or opinions on things#and why do i have so many unfinished games n books n projects?!?!?!#and how do i move out without relying on other people still??#im going fucking insane i want to run into the woods#and thats before the gender thoughts!!#i hate it here who tf am i. what do i want.
0 notes
Text
and the only man that went above and beyond to hit on me this past semester was a FUCKING GUY IN HIS MID TWENTIES (ik im an adult wild shit but like i’m aware ok. i could easily pass off as 16) and he found me ON FUCKING LINKEDIN AND STALKED ME AND THEN found me ON CAMPUS and gave me his number and instagram and snapchat and told me i was sooo pretty (all written on a slip of paper whatever) and i’m so lucky i was with a group of friends bc i seriously don’t know what i would’ve done in that situation because why is that fucking creepy oh . i don’t know just a master’s student who is like 24/25 years old stalking me because he saw me somewhere (he’s one of the cs TAs and i took cs but i stopped showing up to lecture) and finding out where on campus i live and somehow running into me and trying to hit on me bye he knew i was a freshman too because he STALKED ME ON FUCKING LINKEDIN
#he was a fob too and i know that’s technically derogatory but like there’s a reason why 😭 it’s such a specific genre#anyway if anyone was wondering i was fucking creeped tf out and didn’t go to specific on campus restaurants/stores alone for a while#also like how does one explain this to their parents i never have the heart to like#my mom will be like ‘aw why don’t u go here’ like haha mom i can’t bc a guy literally stalked me and i’m scared he might kill me#also yes i blocked him everywhere including fucking linkedin but i am also still very very scared#he’s literally like a 24 year old guy why is he hitting on undergrad students like what the fuck#idk maybe some girls are into that but like not me😭#and also like i have to say he hit on me twice on two different occasions while i was with two different friend groups#and both times i was very … i didn’t like it but thankfully even if he did see me after that he didn’t hit on me#but idk men are fucking insane they might try to kill u or smth i rlly wish i was joking#because who stalks you and finds out where u are thru linkedin i fucking hate that site now i literally never accept invitations anymore#i was like oh a masters student in a similar field that i’m interested in but naww he’s just stalking u girlie !!#anyway#goodnight now#vee rants
0 notes
Text
got out of the uni i was applying to
holy fuck i am NOT gonna pass lmao (not disappointed, not surprised)
#that was stupid#<= (a tag for me speaking)#idk anymore#<= (also a tag for me speaking)#dude the ppl who were in the exam hall w me are MILES better than i am#we had two tests: pencil sketch and painting#we had to use one of the two statues in the room as reference#i chose an Artemis statue bc i don’t wanna draw Apollo’s dick#so i started drawing the head#and i look to my left (i was at a side seat) and HE’S ALREADY SKETCHING THE TORSO WGAT#i had a glance of some of the others too and their shading… man…#and the painting part...#the PAINTING PART#topic choosing was fine but doing the art?#man‚ compared to the others i've seen‚ mine's just like an art class project in middle school!#an amateur's work compared to WHATEVER THE FUCK THE OTHERS HAVE COOKED#like... dude i thought vis-com has some fkin digital elements where tf are they—
0 notes
Text
I accept that ill probably be alone forever. I just wish it wasnt because people were so manipulated by someones fake narrative abt me.
#i wish it was bc i burned half the city down ir smthn#something to actually make me sit there and reflect on the actions i did#rather than trying to sit there and reflect on the actions my abuser said i did knowing damn well i didnt#but feeling like if i dont analyze it the ppl around me will think i dont care about anything#even. though. i. didnt. fucking. do. anyytthingnngggsnahehws i want to strangle you.#like i cant sit here and analyze actions i didnt do bc idk why someone would do that stuff bc i fucking didnt. i can sit here and try to#figure out why someone might do that shit but ultimately idfk because im not them.#im sorry im not this ultimate abuser you want to paint me as. im sorry its kot as simple as 'this person holds views i think are#problematic so that means theyre the abuser'#im sorry that you look at my blog. see someone you think is cringe. and decide my weird awkwardness is enough evidence.#idk wtf to tell you dude. your fave is the one who did it. idk what tf to tell you.#i also dk how you can see all their 'rape is fun' drawings and not even SUSPECT FOR A SECOND that it could be them lmao.#but whatever. ppl gonna listen to the most popular ppl bc thats how ppl are in abusive smear camapigns like this.#ppl will always side w the more popular person. thats just a fact like thats something i learned early about#emotionally abusive ppl like them.#i cant sit here and pretend for you to make it so easy. that im the bad guy and its just seewww obvious bc of whatever politics you think#i have. i cant sit here anymore letting you believe that. i cant sit here anymore letting you believe the world is black and white and#you can just sort people into boxes of good and evil.#im mot what you think i am and thats my final answer. if you cant deal with that reality then idk wtf to tell you.
0 notes
Text
"A love is only as good as the lover. Wicked people love wickedly, violent people love violently, weak people love weakly..."
fucks severely with my brain.
#In this weird mindspace rn where....ya'll idk who tf I am anymore#I've grown so insecure and unstable and just....weak#and it fucks with just everything I thought or wished I was#And idk what to do#I shouldn't need constant validation that people still like me and still want me to be around and yet#I need to work on my self worth but tbh ya'll it's terrifying#especially in the eyes of the fact that this will take a long time and I don't even know If I can do it#like....how do I navigate my relationships like this? Should I prioritize that I need intimacy from certain people as a form of selfcare#knowing that I cannot give as much as I would like#and knowing that I cannot be enough#is it even ethical of me to engage with and burdern others with my need for compassion and love#with no realistic timeframe I can give or not even any knowledge of if I will be able to get better and become someone worthy of this love#or am I using this as an excuse for distancing myself as another form of self harm#and bc. i don't think in the events of when I leave the choice to stay or leave me to the other person and they choose to leave#I could be able to handle such a rejection#so instead I isolate myself to protect myself from such an outcome#I'm scared that this is all there is to me#that underneath all that scar tissue there's nothing left anymore#Nothing will be enough to make me feel loved or make me loveable because I am inherently broken#and every moment I spent with another person brings them closer to this revelation#....i need a hug#or a straight up punch in the face cause i deserve it
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
