#idk why my body decided THIS was the year i would get crocodile skin but i fuckin HATE IT

[slutdge]

god i need winter to be over my skin is so fucking dry 😭

[camistired]

the peculiar one

chp. 1 // an emotional beginning

not edited

december 31, 2018

word count: 2671

song: alice by avril lavigne

—

On this particular humid summer day, I find myself asking the same question I always ask myself when I know it's not going to go anywhere good.

‘Why am I here?’

Four simple words that I usually used as an excuse to not move from under my comforter. Four simple words that I used to stay in room and read a couple of my mom's old journal entries. Four simple words that don't mean anything simple.

But today, they weren't going to do much and change my plans.

For the entire summer after I learned that I was able to attend public school again, I've been trying to work on getting a better habit of actually doing things and not being locked in my room. And today was no exception.

I lazily raise my head from the pillow and begrudgingly climb out of bed. I grab my towel off of my chair before trudging into my bathroom. I quickly strip from my sweats, baggy shirt, and undergarments before hopping into the warm water of the shower.

I don't know what I was going to do today. I knew that both Lila and Mar were going to be busy at work and the only person home was going to be Dannie, who usually minded his own business.

With a silent, frustrated sigh I began wash myself with body wash that was scented to smell like cherry blossoms. I don't know how or why I was attracted to the smell but I didn't do much questioning of it.

I stuck my head under the water, letting my purplish tinted silver hair get drenched with the pellets of the warm water. I wipe the water from my eyes, contemplating on whether to wash my hair or not. Deciding against it, I turned the water off and climb out into the bathroom. I wrap myself in my towel before walking back into the main part of my room.

I walk over to my dresser before pulling out a thin black and white plaid shirt, black jean shorts, and a grayish blue t-shirt. I started getting dress as I hum softly under my breath. I was slipping on my plaid shirt as three quick raps were heard at the door. I move to open the door to see Daniel, his face pale from the blood that drained his face.

“What's wrong, Danny?” I ask, slightly concerned for my brother. He quickly hands me his phone before running into his room, probably to get something.

I look down at the phone in my hands and look at the messages between him and Lila;

From Lila: hey, is Alex up? I've been texting but I'm not getting anything.

From Daniel: she's in the shower, why?

From Lila: it's about dad. his brain activity is working alarmingly unusual

they don't know if something is seriously wrong or if he's waking up

From Lila: hold on, let me call you

My breath hitches as I read the conversation. I quickly slip on a pair of high tops and practically ran down the stairs. Daniel was waiting patiently by the door ready to go.

I handed him back his phone as I turn to open the door only to be greeted with the face that I feel like is always judging me.

“Alice..! What a surprise... What're you doing here?” I force out in a cheerful tone. I never had much family that was around, and I should be greatful for Alice being here, but I feel like the person I read about and the person I see almost everyday is two different people.

“Lillian called and told me about Michael, so I'm here to take you guys to the hospital.” Her tone was strict and left no room to say no, but there was a certain tenderness behind it that would be hard to notice if you were anyone else.

I sigh, knowing I couldn't argue much with the woman in front of me, “Alright, come on let's go.”

She has a small victorious smile on her face as she moves towards the car.

I sigh and look at Daniel who just shrugs and skips towards the car. I roll my eyes and close the door behind me and locking it before getting into the back of Alice's car, seeing as Betty was sitting patiently and bored in the front seat. The engine roared as she switched the gearshift to drive and pulled out the driveway.

As we drew closer to the hospital the knot in my stomach tightened and my breathing sped up into quiet tiny pants. I look out the window to, hopefully, calm my nerves. And, unfortunately, the silence in the car isn't helping one bit. I silently prayed for someone to say something before we get there, but something tells me it isn't going to happen anytime soon.

I felt a small pat on my leg and I look up to see Daniel looking at me with some sort of assurance. I smile softly at him and I rub his shoulder to try and reassure him that I'm okay, but I can tell it does little to nothing to comfort him.

I felt my phone vibrated in my pocket and I pull it out to see it was from Jughead. My nerves calm down a little, but not much. I open the text from my best friend;

From Juggy: hey are you not at home?

no one's opening the door and it's

locked

From Lexi: wowow you show up my

house without notice? and think

you can casually waltz into it like

you own the place?

From Juggy: yea, cause i know you

don't care

From Lexi: what if i was in the shower, eh?

From Juggy: didn't your mom used to make us take baths together when we younger?

From Lexi: we were two and we dragged mud throughout the house. she didn't care at that point

From Lexi: plus we're OLDER now. we might as well be dating if you walked in on me showering

From Juggy: uh-huh

From Juggy: you know you love me

From Lexi: sure

From Lexi: omg, im going to die

From Juggy: im missing the picture here, you're going to die from what?

From Lexi: i can't tell. it's either this thick awkward tension or my anxiety

From Juggy: im still very confused

From Lexi: im on my way to the hospital but im stuck in a car with Danny, Betty, and Alice

From Juggy: alright, i'll meet you there

From Lexi: huh?

From Juggy: idk why you're heading to the hospital, but your stuck in a car with two people you don't know if they hate you or not, so that tells me that it is important

by itself alone

From Juggy: so, i'll meet you at the

hospital

From Juggy: don't know when i'll get there, so good luck until then

The car takes a sharp turn into a free parking spot and before the car jerks to a complete stop, I already had my seat belt off and was sprinting out of car and into the building. I stop myself from going into the room and stop at the receptionist.

“Hi, I'm just double checking, but Michael Nelson is still in room 22-C, correct?” I ask as she checked on her computer for the correct room number.

She nods and looks at me, “Yes he is, miss. Go right ahead.”

“Thank you so much, have a good day.” I rush out before heading down the corridor to the right room that I've been in so many times. I stop at the door and I contemplate going inside for a moment. My hand subconsciously raises up and grasp the door knob before I can even think about what was happening. It was at that moment, I knew I didn't need to think much longer.

I twisted my wrist until I hear the door make a soft 'click'. I pushed the door open and took in the sight in front of me. Lila was sitting at the end of the bed uncomfortable looking bed, her words falling silent in my ears as she talks to the man laying down, who was being covered by a curtain in the room.

I walk in the bland room, the door closing softly behind me. I stalk towards the bed to be greeted with a pair of pale eyes that I'm so used to be closed. My breath gets caught in the back my throat as a small gasp echos through the seemingly empty room. His eyes lock with mine and in a blur of a second, my arms are wrapped around the males neck and quiet whimpers fall from my lips as small tears fall from my eyes.

The feeling of his arms wrapping around my waist to return the embrace made me completely lose it; crocodile tears, full on sobbing, and clinging on to him tighter - scared that the moment I loosen the hold I have on him, he'll leave me again.

I hear the sound of swift footsteps entering the room through my crying as I let out all of my emotions on this one man that I thought I had lost for the rest of my life. The feel the bed shift and more footsteps before the door closes. I'm suddenly pulled closer and I'm, now, laying on the fragile man you seems to not even give a care in the world that I'm laying on him.

For a moment, I felt like the little girl who laid on her dad all those years ago;

“Daddy..?” I coughed out as the toxic smoke filed out of the exploded glass from our previously beloved family home. A younger Daniel laid on the grass, silently asleep and unhurt. My dad had a cut on his temple and was breathing heavily yet very, very slowly.

I laid my had on his chest hearing his faint heartbeat. I prayed silently that he'd wrap his arms around me. Even with his skin basically burned from the fire, he seemed cold as ice. And I did the only thing I knew to do at the time.

I screamed for my dad. But he was to far gone to reply.

I don't even know how long even been laying there, but I've eventually stopped crying and he started running his fingers through my hair. I felt comfortable when I heard the door open and close. I realized that I was probably being selfish and slowly got off of him, wiping my eyes. I look up to see that Daniel and Lila had walked in.

They look at me and smile genuinely at me. Lila looks down over Daniel and ushers him towards dad. He walks over to him and hugs his torso. I stare at the fourteen year old as the tension slowly eases from his shoulders. I didn't even realize that my sister was standing next to me until she wrapped her arm around my shoulders, making me jump a little.

She chuckles softly and looks at me, “Jughead is waiting out in the hall with the Cooper girls. Want me to let him in?”

I stifle my laugh at the thought of poor Jughead standing in the hall with Alice and Betty. Okay maybe being with Betty, not so bad, but Alice is pretty bad. I nod at her as she let's her arm fall and goes to get Jug.

I shrug my bag off my shoulders and open it and see the worn journal sitting in there from the last time I went out to Sweetwater River. I pull it out and examine the torn leather. I look up and to see Daniel talking to dad about whatever, but the look on both of their faces made me smile softly. I see a mop of midnight hair under a familiar beanie in my peripheral vision, making me smile a little.

I turn towards him and I feel a bit more relaxed, especially knowing that he's here to help even when I don't need to ask. A part of me even felt giddy that he decided to come here instead of go to Pop's or something. Maybe it's just the relief that he came here without me even saying anything or even asking.

Maybe.

He wraps an arm around me in a side hug, which threw me off slightly but I returned the hug regardless. It was comforting to know that he was still by my side especially since we've known each other's practically since birth and he hasn't gotten sick of me yet.

Dad looked up and greeted Jug with a smile. My best friend returned the gesture before sitting in a chair on the side of the room were on. Soon we caught him up on everything.

His face fell solemn after we've informed him that mom was still missing and that the sheriff's office said they needed to step away from the case. It was still open – barely – and if they found new information, it would be added to it. However, they said that years ago. If they, or anyone, doesn't find anything soon, I'm sure they are going to close the case and it'll be an unsolved mystery.

Suddenly Lila's phone started ringing. She looked at the screen and smiled softly before answering it, bringing the speaker to her ear.

“Hey, babe. How's everything at the shop go-? What?” I watch her movements as she went from happy and calm to concerned and frigid, “Mar-Marlene! Slow down, I can't understand you.”

She turned towards me and Jug before turning forward again, “Okay, okay... I don't think I can go down there right now, I'm here with dad. How about I send Jughead and Alexandria there instead, will that be okay? .....Alright. I love you. Bye.”

I look at Jug and he shrugs, just as confused as I was. Lila hung up and turned towards us, “Something happened down at Sweetwater River. I hate asking you two to go, but I have to finish up here, then help Danny to get back home and go back to the shop– it's just a mess right now and I need someone down there with Mar.”

She ran her hand through her dark colored hair as she avoided looking at the males behind her. The worried line creased in her face made me sigh softly before nodding to ease her mind a little.

“Yeah we can go.” I can see the relief wash ovee her as I stand up and shrug my bag back over my shoulder as Juggy does the same. She engulfs me in a tight hug, mumbling ‘thank you’ to me before letting me go.

I walk out of the room with the raven haired boy after saying ‘bye’ to dad and Dan. Not realizing that after I left the room that mom's journal fell out of my bag onto the floor of dad's hospital room.

As we trudged towards Sweetwater River, the sound of sirens in the distance made me start to worry with each step we took towards the river I've began to love to find quiet. As we approach, we scan over the people which seemed to be the whole town.

I find Marlene, who is hyperventilating away from the crowd. I tighten my grip on my bag and jog towards her, not really caring if Jug followed me or not. I place my hand on her shoulder and she flinches, whipping her head towards me before she physically relaxes.

“Mar, what is going on?” I ask softly, removing my hand from her shoulder as the runs her hand through her hair.

“It's the Blossom's. Something's happened to Jason.”

And it was at this moment, that I swore that history may have just repeated itself.

[uwu-lla]

Aight so here is my lil Ol vent, 90% of it is barely understandable rambling but here it is.

So my hyper fixation atm is what little bit of lore I’ve got from Overwatch fan fiction lol And because I only have little tid bits my brain is all “let’s fill in the gaps! Make up our own plot!” N I’m just like “no! Dumbass, this isn’t good for us! We need to stop trying to think of this and get back in touch with the real world!” But of course that never fucking works, and this one is esp bad and idk y? Like I’ve had hyper fixations before but they’ve never been THIS intense. Haven’t torn me up this bad before.

But like, the bits I do get of the lore is that everything in this continent is screwed n my paranoia has gone like “that’s gonna happen soon!” N I just scream internally everytime. I guess I just really hate it when American media people decide to make my country nothing more than an apocalyptic wasteland. Like, they love to focus only on the shitty bland white Australian culture while this place literally has the oldest people n culture in the world???? Like what the koories got is so much better than the white bullshit excuse for a “culture” that Americans seems to be in love be with.

And speaking of American idolisation of white Australians, it really peeves me off that the two Australian characters are basically the Overwatch universe equivalent of racists and when I learned that I was just “fuck, THIS again. Like we needed more examples of ‘casual Aussie racism” and it’s super annoying because they’re shipped together n it’s like my dream come fucking true like they’re BOTH Australian AND gay??? Yes! Finally! Something I can personally relate to! But then I found out they are futuristic robo racists. But like, u know of anything else with gay Australians with a large fan base that updates near constantly? No! So I just have to suck it up ignore it cuz this is as good as it’s gonna get for me. And I’m not saying that the roadrat people are racists in fact they’re the exact opposite n I know they’re in the same boat as me, trying to ignore the maybe metaphorical White Australian Racism so they can enjoy a gay couple with a great dynamic n very different body types.

It just peeves me off that once again, just like with all those shitty mad max movies n crocodile Dundee, white Australia is put in the spotlight in American media and any good culture that this continent has is ignored.

I guess now I’ll talk about the bits of lore my brain has decided to fill in???

Okay, so I know that like, the company or whatever that makes the robots decides everyone who lives in the desert can get fucked n move which is real shitty n happens allot today but I’ll talk about that later. So, desert people r understandably pissed. U can’t just do that, we’re gonna fight u! But instead of getting angry at the company, they get angry at the robots??? I think idk. But anyway, desert people decide robots r bad, n all must die. So they kill a bunch, n end up blowing up the nuclear reactor that makes robots, resulting in killing EVERYONE. Like EVERYTHING, robots people plants animals u name it. So now the desert people r all crazy n sick, and the rich city people n company people don’t want to help cuz it’s they fucking fault since that factory wasn’t supposed to be there. And so yeah, two Australian terrorists, blah blah.

But here’s the thing. Right now, real life right, the desert communities in central Australia are mostly Aboriginal. Cuz it’s they land, n they’re luckily been able to keep it that way cuz they’re so far from the coast n the cities. But the thing that happens all the time? They get pushed off of their land by mining companies. So when I learned that bit of Overwatch lore, I was like “hang on r they referencing this???” N so my brain started to fill in.

I’m guessing, that this lil desert town of 95% Aboriginal people r in the way of Future Robot Company. They want them gone, they wanna dig n make more robots (don’t know y???). BUT, you see, in certain areas of central Australia, the Aboriginal communities have been able to get official land rights recognised by the government. Which means they get to have a say in what happens to their country in the Parliament House (sometimes. It’s def not perfect). So, obviously this future desert town is like “lol no u can’t mine our country dumbass” n the gov gotta go with that. But, mining companies r horrible fucking people, so they find a loophole. They say “but we wanna make this a safe place for our robots! We love them n everyone is trying to kill them” so the gov shittily lets it happen, n the company is cheering cuz yay they get to mine n the robots will get blamed for it! So the desert people r all super pissed, n some decide that it must be taken out on the robots! They’re the ones doing all this! But like I said before, this shit happens irl all the time to desert communities. The Aboriginal community understands it’s this shitty company doing all this n using the already being oppressed (???) as an easy blame.

And this is where the “ALF” come in.

Now when I learned about that, it really squicked me out. Cuz here in Australia, there is this skin head group called “Australian patriots front” n the “ALF” that Mako joins sounds like these nazi scum decided to take advantage of these angry desert people, swapped 'Patriots’ with 'liberation’, n recruited these people to push their own hateful agenda. N mako fucking falls for it, cuz he really thinks the robots r to blame. But, the other part of the desert community sees right through this bullshit n tries to stop this group from doing their robot ethnic cleansing. So, being the reskinned nazis they are, the ALF starts to also attack the Aboriginal community of this town for not wanting to kill robots. Mako just goes along with it, cuz he’s young n stupid n hoo boy does he hate robots. So a big Ol fight breaks out. ALF goes to destroy the factory, despite the koories being like “dumbasses ur gonna kill us all its not the robots it’s the sickos in the cities go kill them” n boom. They kill everyone n everything, n have made everything to ever live in the desert sick for eternity. I’d like to think that 90% of the koories were able to get out of there before it all went to shit, so all the people remaining r mostly white. Which kinda explains y Mr. Scopophobia is a blond white guy. So, he grows up with all these remaining ALF people telling him the reason everything is bad is because robots did it. So he too hates robots for a thing they had no control over, n kills any he sees. He has no idea that at one point everyone who lived in this shell of a town was Aboriginal, and probably doesn’t even know that Koories are even a thing. Then yeah he meets mr pig face n decides to go kill robots n rich people (I’m happy with that) in the outside world, and mr pig just doesn’t tell him about how he was partly responsible for ruining their continent and ensuring a shitty upbringing for Jun Jun. why would he? He doesn’t wanna ruin this relationship! Sooo it’s just best lil stick thin man doesn’t know.

After lots of stealing n robot related hate crimes, they for some reason??? Join Overwatch (which I’m not really sure what they do???) n they barely avoid not killing the robots that work there. Which brings me to what I learned not too long ago, that the robots were raging against the machine (horf horf) n had decided to revolt against the human race(I for one welcome our new robot overlords) n start killing humans (2 wrongs don’t make a right buddies). So Overwatch decided to not just stop the robots from killing people, but squashing their revolution n making them back into the servants they were made to be (fuckin shitty) That’s what I understood anyway. Idk. If I’m right about that, why, of all fucking times of our history, would blizzard decide to have a story about a government organisation destroying an oppressed race’s revolution. Like, that’s in bad taste.

So yeah my illness riddled brain has decided to cling to all this, making daily life very difficult for me. Having massive disconnections from reality, like, shit that lasts almost a whole day till my rents get home n snap me out of it. I forget to eat, drink, walk Sputnik, etc. cuz I’m just so lost in my own thoughts. I’m seeing a psych today, but she n a bunch of others might decide if I tell them this to not let me have top surgery so I’m scared to tell her. And cuz my brain has clung onto all this crap, it’s always focusing on how the robots r getting abused n so my brains like “help them! Do it! Now!” N I’m just like “fucker they ain’t real u know this so y r u being a dumbass n wasting time on this” so I’m all pent up n frustrated. I’m not really sure on how to go about dealing with this. I can’t exactly set up a ritual n ask Bunjil n Bellin Bellin to give me a cure for my mental illnesses. I think I’ll look up ways to connect with reality when I get home n see what that tells me.

So yeah, I’m real frustrated. Frustrated with my tiny White Suburban Mum town, with the society we live in where I can’t find a place simply because I can’t do certainly n things n therefore useless to the working world. Frustrated that I can’t help the koorie community here cuz I have no useful skills, n all the hard work at school last year has been all for naught.

So yeah, hopefully this will be the end of this big Ol vent. I’m kinda scared about posting this, scared of people deciding I’m a bad person for whatever reasons in here n going after me. Last thing I need is a digital army against me. Aight bye bye.